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The following are random thoughts and sayings I posted on Twitter and/or Facebook from October 2011 to April 2012. Okay, well, that’s seven months, but who’s counting? To my knowledge, I made these 159 sayings up or put a new twist on an old saying. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the write! If you can figure out what they all mean, you’re doing better than me.
Thoughts and Sayings (April 2012)
Encouraging Words 1. When I was younger, I had health and time but no money. As an adult, I have health and money but no time. When I’m old, I will have money and time but not health. 2. I have 24 hours, 2 hands, and 1 brain at my disposal every day. That’s a lot to manage at the same time. 3. Coercion will get you anywhere. Of course, you may not like where it takes you. 4. Success blossoms when others cultivate it. 5. It’s easy to pretend that everything is roses, but it’s hard to hide the wounds when the thorns cut deep. Twisted Words 6. I’m so plugged in that my feet are in the holes and my head’s in the ground. 7. Inspiration is like lightning. Once it strikes, it quickly bolts. 8. Divided, we Fall. United, we Spring. 9. Why are football (soccer) clubs united? Why can’t one be divided? 10. Someone told me my singing is so cheesy that it sounds nothing like that famous opera singer Pepperoni. In Its Own Write 11. Writing: The ability to put something back on the page where it belongs. 12. “Write” is a combination of “rite” and “wit.” To do it well takes discipline and whim. 13. Forcing a writer to become a plotter is de-pantsing. -1-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved.
Holidays & Events 14. This year’s April Fool’s Day is now on Friday, the 13th of April, so that you can make people look like fools and give them bad luck. 15. Easter is in April. When is Wester? 16. Completing the monstrous IRS Form 1040 to file U.S. taxes is a reminder why those who file in the Cayman Islands or the Bahamas do. 17. There’s been some kind of mix up. The taxman showed up on my deathbed, and I cheated the Grim Reaper. Random Musings 18. Today is a good day. I woke up, got the kids off to school, made some coffee, and am now sitting down to work with no interruptions. *knock, knock* Oh, sorry, be right back. Someone’s at the door. 19. I can’t decide who’s tougher — the Iron Lady or Iron Man. 20. Waiting in traffic for a dignitary to pass is such a royal pain. 21. Nothing is hot; everything is hot. All deadlines are imposed. 22. Have gum, will travel. Except to Singapore. 23. Good night to all, and to all night good.
Thoughts and Sayings (March 2012)
Encouraging Words 1. When you overestimate your abilities, you end up feeling shortchanged. 2. I’m swimming in the sea of life when I’d rather be on the shore sipping on a drink and watching the sunset. -2-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. 3. I’m writing my pièce de résistance. I’ve struggled with it for so long that it will never stop fighting with me. 4. I’m determined to get something done today. Does drinking coffee count? 5. The tongue is mightier than the pen. 6. Seize the day! If you do, be prepared for a struggle. 7. If your dream has become a nightmare, it’s time for a new one. 8. The best way to attract real friends is to be real. Twisted Words 9. Why can’t "good afternoon" be "good beforeevening"? 10. Says the cream puff to the chocolate éclair: "Wow, this place is desserted." 11. Warning: Ultraviolent rays can kill you. 12. Aerodramatic: The art of crying at the speed of flight. 13. I’m not sure if I’m more sardonic or sarcastic. Perhaps sardoncastic. 14. Don’t take wood for granite. 15. Overheard at a meeting of contortionists: "Be flexible!" 16. Never suggest a health condition is grave to someone who is terminally ill. Holidays & Events 17. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Since you’re in the green, I get the gold. 18. Beware the Ides of March," said the soothsayer to Julius Caesar. His English was impeccable. 19. Beware, beware the Ides of March! Psst…what’s an ‘Ides’? 20. Heading into Super Tuesday, the polls showed that the new iPad is leading by a wide margin. 21. Happy Cinco de Marzo! Oh, wait, sorry. I’ll be back in a couple of months. 22. I forgot that yesterday was Leap Year and marched right past it. -3-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. Random Musings 23. European chocolates are delicious but too delectable to eat like candy. 24. Why aren’t there any books with the opening sentence, "It was a bright and calm morning?" 25. A guy walks into a bar. It was metal. It hurt. 26. My bed is calling. For some reason, it’s saying, "You have reached a non-working number. Please hang up and try again." 27. Thank you for paying attention to me. However, my medium of exchange is cash. 28. You have reached a real person. If you feel you’ve reached me in error and prefer an automated system, contact 800-SPAM-BOT. 29. When food is revolting, does it rebel against you? Intra-galactic Sophomoric Humor 30. Uranus is the most joked about planet in the solar system. 31. Earth stands between Mars and Venus to keep them from fighting. 32. The moon always moons the earth at night so that it won’t get caught. 33. The planetoid Makemake has a satellite called "Dodo."
Thoughts and Sayings (February 2012)
Encouraging Words 1. From morning to evening I toil, and from evening to morning I rest. Ne’er shall the twain meet unless fate takes away the rest. 2. Whenever I burn the midnight oil, all I have left the next day are fumes. 3. Oh how I hate to get up in the morning, oh how I hate to get out of bed. I think I’ll pretend it’s evening instead. 4. Why climb a mountain when you can level it? -4-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. 5. Mornings are like dreams. Sometimes you never want them to end, and sometimes they’re simply nightmares. 6. Don’t bite the hand that doesn’t feed you either. 7. I hired myself to manage my personal affairs. The pay is lousy, but I have a great boss. 8. I fired myself from managing my own affairs. I was taking the job too personally. 9. The world’s going to hell in a hand basket but doesn’t have enough material to finish weaving it. 10. I’m so far behind that it’s going to take me awhile to get less farther behind. 11. The slash and burn method works whenever you have piles of work to do and they’re all hot. 12. I just got back from a bike ride. It gave me a chance to catch up with my thoughts. Walking was too slow. 13. It’s more fun to be the younger sibling when you get older. Twisted Words 14. A hippopotamus that criticizes another is being hippocritical. 15. “Passive aggressive” is how an aggressive individual describes a passive person who has finally had enough of them. 16. I dropped a bombshell, but it was a dud. 17. If lettuce has a head, where’s the body? 18. I’m exhausted. That’s great if you’re a muffler, but not if you’re a snorer. 19. That sound bite took a chunk out of my ear. 20. Saying something when everyone is asleep is a great way to be heard. It’s just too bad no one is around to listen to what you have to say. 21. Light can’t travel. It doesn’t have suitcases or a passport.
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. 22. I try to embrace my differences, but they’re always arguing with each other. Most of the time I have to separate them. 23. I rid myself of the negative energy but now have none left. Holidays & Events 24. Love is patient, love is kind, but you better buy red roses or you’re going to be in a heap of trouble. 25. A romantic ditty to tell your loved one on Valentine’s Day: “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.” 26. The Squat Heard ‘Round the World – The New York Giants beat the New England Patriots in the Superbowl by an unwanted touchdown. 27. Does Punxsutawney Phil make you want to run and hide or leave you scared of your own shadow? Random Musings 28. I have a hangover from a heavy bout of writing and imbibing the fruits of my labor. 29. Fascinating Oscar tidbit: No one named Oscar has ever won an Oscar. 30. I can’t understand why real life keeps me from spending time online with my imaginary friends. 31. Facebook should let you friend yourself and Twitter should let you follow yourself so you can receive updates on how you’re doing. 32. Somebody should write a book called “A Pair of Normal Bromances” about some average Frankenstein’s Monsters who share a strong fraternal bond. 33. I wonder what my mind is thinking right now. 34. Rovio should partner with Warner Bros. to produce a game called “Tweety Birds” where angry yellow birds pelt Sylvester the Cat with 140 character tweets. 35. “Name the Wat” is a fun game to play in Thailand where you nickname a temple, or “wat,” whenever -6-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. you see one. My favorite temples are “Wat Dowedonow” and “Wat Areyoudoin.” 36. If a movie is boring, here’s a trick to make it more interesting. Pick one character and count how many times they do one thing on screen. Sarah Jessica Parker brushed aside her hair no less than 16 times (not counting scratching head lice) in “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” Watching her was very entertaining.
Thoughts and Sayings (January 2012)
Encouraging Words 1. When I was younger, I didn’t want to go to sleep because I wasn’t tired. Now that I’m older, I’m tired but won’t go to sleep. 2. Being the short one in a relationship does not make you less of a person. 3. I try to catch inspiration whenever it crosses my mind, but it is much too fleeting. 4. A loser wins when a winner loses. 5. You can’t put me in a box because my head is too big. 6. I think my brain power can be used as an energy-saving device. 7. I exercise before dinner to make room for more calories. 8. Measure as many times as it takes to get a consensus and then cut. If no agreement is reached, let it rot. 9. Fair is a four-letter word. Twisted Words 10. While a constitutional sounds painful, it’s a great way to get the ideas out and the thoughts flowing. 11. I’m on a liquid diet to turn my keg-sized stomach into six-pack abs. 12. My son plays on the computer so much that it makes me want to screen. 13. I ran into Trouble. He said to tell you hello. -7-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. 14. I can’t keep my id from fighting with my ego and superego. It must be cerebral rivalry. 15. If you pay for something in Thailand, you baht it. 16. If you lose something profound, does it become prolost? 17. These thoughts and sayings may be insightful or inciteful depending on your disposition. Random Musings 18. In Asia, it’s okay to impose on someone but rude not to accommodate. In the West, it’s rude to impose on someone and okay not to accommodate. 19. I’m taking a social media break to write a book. What a novel concept. 20. The automated prayer request program has malfunctioned. You’re going to have to do it manually. 21. Wine is fine but puts me down every time. 22. I’m preparing to render my treasure unto Caesar. Too bad Caesar doesn’t accept payment in moth and rust.
Thoughts and Sayings (December 2011)
Encouraging Words 1. Fight for your right; on the other hand, appreciate what’s left. 2. There’s no one else above you unless an airplane is flying over. 3. Failure isn’t an option, but crying is. 4. You leave me breathless every time we climb together to new heights. 5. Being an armchair quarterback does not make you ready to throw a touchdown. 6. Modern life has advanced so fast that I can hardly keep up. -8-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. Twisted Words 7. A trail lawyer is someone who’s lost in the wilderness but litigates a new path. 8. Savor fashion by tasting it. 9. Those who complain of squished grapes are merely wining. 10. Let’s see if we’re going to see some sights. Holidays & Events 11. Somewhere on the way to the mall and the post office, Christmas went from being a holiday celebration to an annual ritual. 12. I asked Santa for an iPhone 4S, but all he gave me was an apple. I’m trying to figure out where the communication breakdown occurred. 13. Virtually every media site publishes their “Best of 2011″ lists weeks before the year ends. Poor December is left out in the cold. Random Musings 14. I would have more time if life were measured in teraseconds. 15. Muscle is fickle; fat sticks around forever. 16. A Chinese wife told her husband that she loved him as far as East is from West; her American husband said that he loved her as far as West is from East. 17. The in-laws have landed. 19. Some kids collect sports cards. Mine collects credit cards. 20. When the stock market goes up, my blood pressure goes down.
Thoughts and Sayings (November 2011)
Encouraging Words 1. Let your light shine, but don’t be a klieg light. 2. Do you spend more time…or money? 3. Like a knife, are you on the cutting edge or flat and dull? -9-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. 4. Why die for something when you can live for something else? 5. Although you may get better with age like fine wine, a bottle of wine will spoil after you open it. Twisted Words 6. I enjoy having you around but prefer you a-flat. 7. Don’t fiddle around with playing someone like a fiddle. 8. You can put the Dole on a banana, but you can’t put a banana on the dole. Holidays & Events 9. The only turkey I want over for Thanksgiving should be on my dinner table. Random Musings 10. A Monday in the office is better than a day in the grave. 11. Don’t let the messenger shoot! 12. It’s like two birds killing me with one stone.
Thoughts and Sayings (October 2011)
Encouraging Words 1. If the chemistry and biology are good, sociology is sure to follow. 2. Your body is a temple, not a stadium. 3. Worrying will not add an hour to your life, but exercise can. 4. Reach for the sky, because if you shoot for the moon you might see stars. 5. It’s hard to fit in when everyone is so different. Twisted Words 6. Don’t get even. Get even better. 7. “Fried!” I said to the chicken. -10-
© 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. Holidays & Events 8. The most common type of ship is friendship, but an increasingly rare kind is a dictatorship. 9. I am somewhere between 1 and 99 percent, but I’m still figuring out how to Occupy my time. Random Musings 10. Why does the dentist, after poking and prodding your mouth with a sharp tool, scold you when they draw blood? 11. Editors should help writers find their voice rather than inserting theirs. 12. If a cat has nine lives, how many lives does a big cat have? 13. If some are followers and some are following, who is leading?
M.G. Edwards is a writer of books and stories in the mystery, thriller and science fiction-fantasy genres. He also writes travel adventures. He is author of Kilimanjaro: One Man’s Quest to Go Over the Hill, a non-fiction account of his attempt to summit Mount Kilimanjaro, Africa’s highest mountain available from Amazon.com and other booksellers. He lives in Bangkok, Thailand with his wife Jing and son Alex. For more books or stories by M.G. Edwards, visit his web site at www.mgedwards.com or his blog, World Adventurers. Contact him at email@example.com, on Facebook, on Google+, or @m_g_edwards on Twitter. © 2012 Brilliance Press. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted without the written consent of the author.
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