huge yawning piece of nothingness

what i remember going into that place was the huge yawning emptiness of everything. the streets are clean and empty, and there are huge vacant lots waiting for some rich person to buy it and build another huge mansion for their families to live in. the houses are clean and they all have servants. they have drivers and maids, and the drivers and the maids have their own quarters at the back of the house. their television is huge and they have several. the sterility of that place manifests as well, no it derives from, the sterility of their souls. i was never comfortable the whole time i was there. i felt guilt, which was weird, since i did nothing wrong. it was just too different from my usual environment, i reasoned, and after this, i would go out into the normal world. what 'this' was i could not remember now. it was probably a group presentation or something. the teachers loved giving us group presentations. it usually ends up with me doing all the work. but it did not matter. nothing did at that time. i still think nothing matters now as well, but the feeling is different. these past few days of freedom, something shifted in my perspective. all those moments inside, dreaming of being in the outside. and then now i'm in the outside, and i feel great. that moment the doctor told me that i can go home, i almost jumped out of my bed and into the corridors of the infirmary. freedom is something you can really only understand once you are deprived of it, like water or air, or love. the shift in my perspective manifested itself in continous and subdued feelings of guilt. like i am just wasting other people's time, like thinking that coming here was a bad idea, a waste of time and resources, and that i should have done something else. anything else. but instead i am here, and am just moving with the momentum that the earlier gravity of the decisions have made. boredom, frustration, the usual. 'boredom is merely masked frustration,' ursula le guin, the dispossessed. i am hoping for another way of seeing, something to keep me from the total brunt of the boredom and frustration. because boredom is also another kind of pain. now it's alternating between periods of extreme boredom and terror. well, not terror, but unwelcome surprises, which given the character that my mind is in right now, is well about the same.

must find a middle way. the middle way. to be normal. i felt like a cancerous growth for too long and i fear that this has somehow stunted me, made me grow wrong, made me develop into something monstrous and weird. not monstrous, that's too strong of a concept. different taken to a whole new yet also familiar dimension might be more like it. it seems i thrive in being obtuse, and this is good since at least i am able to express myself. the huge yawning emptiness which is my soul, or my lack of a soul, calls me back again. and again into another boredom and frustration, of various shades. and my thoughts go in circles now, though i feel that something has changed, a change in perspective, arising from the experience of being in the hospital for almost a week several days ago. ###

http://www.scribd.com/narodnikkki

Sept 2011

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