A Complete Drop of a Complete Universe

© Victoria Evangelina Belyavskaya

When I first heard my closest girlfriend N. refer to her significant other as “Sukharik” I laughed for it sounded so cute: “Sukharuk” in translation to English means “dried piece of bread.” Soon I learned that the reality was less cute, as I am sure my female readers agree: many of us have met these “dried pieces of bread” who don’t want to or are afraid of or simply cannot express their emotions. Faced with the simple “how do I look?” question from their pampered up girls, they’d nod their heads and comment on a TV program; they “forget” anniversaries; disappear to give them their “freedom” and prefer to escape by all means when their female is upset and needs to be held. And they have also created this legend that this is how a “real man” behaves in “real life.” John Gray’s bestselling book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” shows how men and women have different responses to stress situations: men withdraw into their “caves” and women try to talk it over, seeking attention. This pattern goes on in stress-free times as well: women are like waves, they give love and energy until the wave crushes if not supported by the same love and attention from the significant other. This is the time when a woman needs love, support and reassurance the most. But “Sukhariki” do not see this or do not know how to deal with it. There is a huge and tender soul inside every man but only a few of them are brave enough to show it? Is it possible to find “three-in-one”: a strong man, capable of sharing his emotions and engaging in soulful discussions? Yes, you can have it all if you really, really, want. And also if you are mature enough to listen to your heart and know that there is your equal out there. This voice of the heart, saying that something doesn’t feel quite right gives you wisdom to leave a relationship that doesn’t work for you instead of nurturing a false hope that maybe, just maybe, it will one day work, and walk away with no fear to be single in search for your soulmate yet again. A couple of evenings ago I spoke to W. and heard his story of “being out there” for almost a decade, and meeting wonderful women, and opening his heart, and having hopes, and then feeling that she was not “the one” and pretty much immediately “wrapping it up” and continuing in his quest… “Oh, my, it must be so difficult and painful. You must grow so tired of this cycle of opening one’s heart and becoming vulnerable just to find out later that she/he is not the ONE,” I said. He sighed: “With time you just start talking openly… I am willing to explore this, but no guarantees.” It is after this talk that I fully understood the depth of the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Marie, cuddling, says to Jess: “Tell me I’ll never have to be out there again.” “You’ll never have to be out there again,” he says. My strategy is different. I tend to stick to what I have, trusting that the man I am with came to my life for a reason: it is meant to be and he is to teach me what I need to learn at this period of

my life. I know that by the pattern of my thoughts and expectations I have attracted him and he is the one I need for my further development. And I would try to make it work, mostly looking at myself, but sometimes – I confess! – slipping into the worldwide, ineffective practice of trying to change him. This doesn’t mean that my way is easier. In response to W.’s sometimes painful and disappointing searches there is my blind attachment, becoming almost one with my partner. Though as they say, there are no mistakes, only learning experiences. I believe that in the end, if we use opportunities to learn and grow, via many different roads we come to harmony and fulfillment in relationships. Just like in the idealistic “The Bridge Across Forever” when Richard Bach finally finds his soulmate Leslie. And nobody says that being with your “soulmate” must be easy and flawless – perhaps the opposite, he is destined to “bug” you for he is the person who makes you grow the most. Though it probably depends on what each of us needs on the path of growth: sometimes it is perfect harmony. Another popular opinion, expressed by Deepak Chopra in his soulful book “The Path To Love” is that there are no soulmates in the common sense of the word: our relations with people in our life is our relations with ourselves and our relations with God for each person is a part of the Divine. And then there is the myth of the two halves of an apple, divided and destined – tasked! – to find each other and unite in a complete whole. Is that the reason I travel so much: to meet as many “halves” as possible to find the One?? No and no, here I stand along with those who like James Arthur Ray choose to think that each person is a complete whole with everything in himself, and needs nobody but his own choice in order to be strong and sufficient in emotions, feelings and inner peace. And a partner, a soulmate, is also a complete whole. The two come together to experience that what cannot be experienced on one’s own and to share the life lessons. Not for “completing”, you see, but for “traveling together”. It is more a matter of personal choice than destiny to meet the one who is right for you. Today, the million dollar question for my girlfriend N. is: will “Sukharik” (dry bread) become “Bulochka” (fresh pastry) if she shares more of her emotions boldly assuming and affirming that her significant other is a sensitive man? Or will it happen when she fully accepts what is, letting go of all idealization of emotional connection in the relationship? Being great at giving advice, I also suggested that she enquires within, to learn what in her mentality and behavior brought her close to this man and what part of herself she faces in him. I already anticipate her asking me the next million-dollar question. Once everything is ‘discovered’ and ‘cleansed’ in her, the man either becomes a “Bulochka” and starts feely showing his feelings or not. Logically, if she is at the stage of unconditional love and acceptance it should not bother her if “Sukharik” does not become a “Bulochka” – she will fuel herself and her world with her own love, received through many different channels. But if she is still longing for connection, should she keep searching inside or just get out of the relationship and meet a more spiritually mature man, able to express himself more freely? For as an Indian mystic, guru and philosopher Osho once said, it is on the highest stages of development that a man embraces his feminine part, as well as a woman embraces her masculinity, realizing that each one of them is a part of Eternity. And as I see it, each one is a complete drop of a complete Universe, carrying on all of its powers and having all the answers within.

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