BEIJING STORY translated by DAVID FUNG FOREWARD BY THE TRANSLATOR Just before Christmas in 2001, I went to see the

movie 'Lanyu' with several friends. I did not expect too much because it was a film about homosexuals, which had nothing to do with me. But to my surprise, I liked it so much that afterwards, I sought out the original story 'Beijing Story' in Chinese which the film had based upon on the internet and read it. I liked it even more. The best part of the story, to me, was that it never tried to ram some gay-rights message down your throat. The author just tried to tell a moving story of tragic love honestly and sincerely. I liked the story so much I had decided to take the liberty (since there was no way to contact the original author who remains anonymous) to make an English version, which I'm sure that a lot of English-speaking readers would be interested. In this English version, I have tried my best to be true to the original. Some small parts I found not making any sense I did not alter since I was only working as a translator, not an editor. I hope the original author would contact me and tell me what he thinks of my doing this. ------David Fung* *David Fung is a veteran journalist, novelist, translator and artist residing in Hong Kong. He has written and published over 700 novels in Chinese. His first novel in English 'THE STORYTELLER FROM HONGKONG' is available on this same web site. He can be reached by post at: P.O.BOX 31527, CAUSEWAY BAY POST OFFICE, HONG KONG.

T Table of Contents Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter One Two Three Four Five Six Seven

Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Ninteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-one Chapter Twenty-two Chapter Twenty-three Chapter Twenty-four Chapter Twenty-five Chapter Twenty-six Chapter Twenty-seven Chapter Twenty-eight Chapter Twenty-nine Chapter Thirty Chapter Thirty-one The End CHAPTER ONE IT'S BEEN three years¡K..three years ago, he used to come back in my dreams every night, and each time I would ask in surprise and rapture, "Aren't you dead? You didn't die?" Three years later, today, I'm still dreaming this same dream, but with a difference. For now, in my dreams, I would repeatedly remind myself that it's just a dream--until I wake up. The weather in Vancouver is so pleasant. Never like Beijing with its raging snowstorms or the suffocating heat and humidity. Now there is always a crisp and cool breeze under the bright sunlight. When I wake up each day, I would feel lost and ponder, "Where am I?" Looking at the beautiful maple leaves swaying in the breeze, and looking at the beautiful young woman by my side¡K.my new wife, I would sigh silently and lie back, to go back to the memory in my dreams. I was the son of a high-ranking cadre in China. Not the kind of second generation that was good for nothing. After graduating from high school,

I got accepted by an important university to study Chinese literature. Into my second year, I had already opened a medium sized firm with the friends of questionable characters around me. After graduating, I landed a sizable chunk of public loan to open my own trading company, doing whatever business that would make money, especially those dealing with eastern Europe countries, which was all the rage those several years back then. Five years later, using my old man's connections, I managed to build my company into a multi-million dollar business. And I was only twenty-seven. I had never thought of marriage at that time. I didn't even have a steady sexual partner. I say sexual partner without specifying the gender because it includes girls and also boys. I started doing it with girls during my freshman year. I can still remember clearly the first girl I went to bed with. She was a beautiful co-ed two years my senior in class. Her eyes were not particularly big but she had black and long lashes, and a high, pointed small nose at which I had the urge to take a bite. She had two shallow dimples when she laughed. Our first time was in my bedroom in my apartment. Both of us skipped school that day. I made an excuse to get rid of the maid and took her to my apartment. She looked quite excited. We started by kissing nonstop. Then I tried to slip my hand under her dress. She didn't seem to resent this, still kissing with me passionately. Then I grabbed her breasts with both hands and she frowned slightly, pushing me away and murmured "no". My heart was thumping and I lost control entirely. Her refusal seemed to fuel my determination. I also murmured "I love you, I'll surely marry you", and rubbish like that. I undressed her in a hurry, only taking off my own pants, raised her legs and tried to stuff my penis inside. I tried three or four times without getting anywhere. At last, she had to help me with her hand to enable me to find the entrance. It was a pity that once I went in, I ejaculated before knowing what to do next. The girl cried. I didn't know it was because she was glad or sad. I thought maybe all girls cry at their first time. Only until one year later, when I was quite experienced, did I realize that I had not been her first, maybe not even the third or fourth. After that, I changed my female partners nonstop. Finding a girl for me was not a problem. The real problem was how to get rid of them. I was somewhat disgusted deep down. They would always give me trouble on the problems of integrity and saying that they would not marry anyone else but me. It became so much so that for a time, I would feel sick just by looking at a woman. Around this time, a pal in our circle introduced me to a boy. He was a singer in a cabaret. I started a new way of playing the sexual game. He was the first boy I had a relation with. It was so long ago I couldn't remember his name even if I tried hard. But I can remember clearly how he looked. He was fair-skinned, quite handsome. I heard he was in his twenties, older than me but looked like he was eighteen or nineteen.

The only flaw was that he had a few 'beans of youth' (pimples) on his face. We met for the first time in his cabaret. I nominated his songs twice. He was quite talkative but at the same time a little bashful. We went to his place after he got off. He chatted nonstop on the way and I could feel a little being led on. I could see that he was thoughtful and seemed to try to test my reaction all the time. He had quite a nice place. A two-room unit with a lot of furniture but was kept tidy and clean. Reminded me of the dirty dormitory shared by eight and my own ungodly 'dog's lair'. "My parents prepared this for me, for use when I get married." He told me laughingly while his eyes kept running over my body. "I have to take a bath, to wash off the human odor from the cabaret. Do you want to¡K." He said again. "Just wait." My tone was a bit unfriendly, but in fact I was trying to hide my own panic. It had never occurred to me that it would be harder than going to bed with a girl for the first time. He emerged from the bathroom soon. He was wearing only a pair of underpants. He body was well proportioned and I noticed that his hair was still dry. I sensed that he had suddenly changed during these few seconds. He didn't speak anymore, just started to caress me, taking off my shirt slowly and kissing me back and forth on my body, hands kept groping at my crotch. I dared not even breathe heavily, but I was starting to get excited. I didn't know why I was still sitting stiffly. He seemed to have noticed. He stopped, raised his head and looked at me with eyesight that was soft and forlorn. My God, I've never been so aroused before. He had aroused all my lust and feelings, the urge to love, to cherish and at the same time to conquer and even torture. I suddenly pushed him onto the bed, my hands groping at his body. It was a young male body, delicate but resilient, entirely different from the soft feel of a female. He helped me remove my pants. And as he removed my underpants, letting my huge, blood engorged member leap out, he laughed. "So large?" He said and started to rub it up and down with his mouth. I kept panting loudly, and I couldn't keep my eyes open. This was so exciting. I had asked girls to do this to me, but they all seemed reluctant, either stopping after sucking once or twice or their teeth would actually scrape my shaft. He was still sucking my penis up and down, while playing with his own member with his hand. "I'm coming," I couldn't help yelling. He removed his mouth, at the same time stroking his and my cocks up and down with his hands. I couldn't hold out anymore. My sperm squirted out. It had never been so delicious before---no obligation at all on my part, only enjoyment. After collecting myself, I saw that his cock was still bulging. I was a little ashamed, but I didn't really want to perform fellatio for him. He didn't

mind very much though. He patiently took one of my hands and placed it on his cock, caressing slowly while his other hand went to his anus, rubbing lightly. He started to get excited. His muscle was rippling and he moaned like a woman. I helped rub around his anus with my other hand. His body shook violently, he moaned, he panted loudly, until he ejaculated. Afterwards, he told me I was the handsomest boy ever with him, that although his other 'friends' were all great in technique, it was with me that he enjoyed most. I didn't know why, but his compliment didn't make me happy. I felt that these 'old' women and 'old' men had savaged my innocence. I thought I should make up my losses. I would play hard. With this play hard mentality, helped with the money that was increasing day by day, I messed with a lot of 'playthings', until I met Lanyu. AS I HAVE said before, I was rich and famous at the tender age of twenty- seven, and I felt very important. Apart from tending to my business, I spent all my time messing around with my friends or lovers. That morning, I had completed a good business deal. At noon, I was pondering what to do in the evening when Liu Qsing came in. He was the deputy chief of the general manager in my office. We were all 'new riches'. "Hey, I think the Russian fellow didn't leave happily today." He laughed as he came in. "He wanted to take advantage of me. He could take it or leave it. He was not in our class. Ah, how about bowling at 'Capitol' tonight. You coming?" I asked, not particularly anxious. "Aren't you going to ask Tse Mei? Just this morning, she called to give you her regards." "Forget it. Not in the mood for her. Send her a packet of money or something, so that she would quit calling me all the time." "Ah-ha. Tired of her again?" Liu Qsing laughed a little, "Now, this is important. Two days ago, I met a young fellow at State Street. He's a student just accepted by a university in Beijing. Seemed stranded. Interested?" "Wait, wait. I'm not in the mood for men or women right now. How come you can always hook up with unknown characters? Is it clean? It's quite sickening." I said laughing. "Really very pure. Absolutely not someone inside the circle. Just turned sixteen. Got accepted by a university. I guess he's short of cash. He was not willing to talk much. But he needs money anyway." "Maybe just a con man. Perhaps a laborer from another province. Beijing is now filled with this kind of con men." Liu Qsing didn't argue with me. He talked about the newly employed translator of Russian who was not so honest. Liu Qsing was two years my senior but had graduated with me the same year. We had been in the same classes from primary school to high school. We went to the

same school at senior high but not in the same class. I chose literature and he chose physics. When taking the exam for university, he was out of luck, only got accepted by a city vocational college for teachers. After graduation, he was not content to be a poor teacher of high school. So he came to me looking for work. I of course was not the kind who would turn away an old friend. Even though I didn't need a scientist, I gave him the job of deputy chief of my office. No specific field of work for him. Just keeping an eye on things for me around the office, and finding 'good playthings' for me. I liked his smart but never mean ways most. And he was never headstrong, never jealous of others. In addition, he was normal coming to 'that' but could tolerate my unorthodox ways. "All right, that's it. I'll look for you at 'Capitol' tonight." Liu Qsing said walking out. "Mmm¡Kif you think that kid is really okay, bring him along." "Right." Liu Qsing laughed once. "How are you going to talk to him?' "Just say that he's going to be the company of a chief Chan. Anyway, I'll make the hint to him. One thousand dollars." "That cheap? He has to be clean." "Relax. A virgin for sure. The only thing is that he might worry about you being unclean." "Fuck you!" I laughed. back to top

CHAPTER TWO I ALWAYS liked the bowling alley at 'Capitol'. It was spacious, never crowded, especially by the street delinquents. I had called up Wei Kuo and Big Sister Cheung. Big sister Cheung was a woman with background and we were on good terms. She noticed me glancing at the door and asked, "Who're you expecting?" "Liu Qsing. And a kid whose father is a friend back home; the friend asked me to take care of him. The kid just got accepted by a university in Beijing." "You are taking up a lot of responsibility." She laughed. Liu Qsing arrived at around six or seven. A boy followed him. From far off, I could see he was not tall and didn't standout. I was instantly disappointed and cursed Liu Qsing silently. "Big Sister Cheung, Wei Kuo." Liu Qsing acknowledged everyone. The boy stood a little further away, his eyes following Liu Qsing all the time. "Meet Chief Chan." Liu Qsing turned and introduced me to the boy, "This

His feature was very handsome. The kind of turn on I had long forgotten." I felt there was some kind of hint when Big sister Cheung said that. . Passed for a smile. My mind was filled with the fantasies of holding him down on a bed. Especially the men in Beijing. going on seventeen.is Lanyu. I avoided his eyes hurriedly. It was disgusting. "Good. but with reluctance. He raised his eyes to look at me the moment we shook hands. so that the two words in 'got used' fused together. His was not fair-skinned but his face was without blemish. and the look in his eyes was imprinted in my memory all my life. "I have to take my nephew to dinner." He was still without a hint of smile. uncertainty and suspicion. His nose was straight and his lips closed tight. I haven't had dinner." His accent was from the north. because I had a private VIP room there. there was not a shred of the smiles to please on his face that I had seen so often. I could see that he had a little trouble following my Beijing mandarin. but the Cantonese dishes there were not that good. I laughed." I smiled and reached out. But I was not a green horn after all. His surname is Lan." "How do you do. "Got used to Beijing?" I spoke very fast. turned to look at Big Sister Cheung and those playing ball with her and asked casually. and I asked him only after we had taken our seats in the restaurant. "Like bowling?" "Don't know how to. "How do you do. But I didn't mind. and also frog-leaped a class. I don't want my older brother to blame me for not taking care of my nephew. either." "Why university so early? I remember that I was almost nineteen when I went to a university. seemingly void of expression. "I couldn't follow that either when I first came to Beijing." Liu Qsing whispered to me." I took for my own the words of one Fang Jian who had been my roommate in my university days. The melancholy in his eyes almost made me lose control. Bright eyes filled with melancholy. "How old are you?" We virtually didn't speak on the way. the decoration posh. "Sixteen. We drove to 'Hsiang Kuo' Hotel. They spoke with their tongues twisted every which way." Lanyu shook my hand a little nervously. His lips moved slightly. but his eyes were on me all the time when he spoke." "Forget it. He did not smile. "He probably hasn't had dinner yet. But my heart thumped. Not many words in his name. You go along yourself." I turned and said aloud to the others. though better than its Italian or French dishes. "Er?" He blushed a little. Looked like he had a decent upbringing. The Chinese food section in 'Hsiang Kuo' was very spacious and very bright." "I started school one year earlier.

They got so rich that we who were studying literature were green with envy. Everything was ready and I was excited with anticipation. I suddenly remembered an incidence over six months ago when I took an 'out of town' girl here." "Help yourself. Already nine o'clock into the night and it was just completely dark outside. I used to have a couple of friends who were studying architecture. He was in the bathroom. Won't be for want of money in the future. round-necked tee shirt. A pair of deep blue pants matching a white. It was then that I was aware of his attire." I stopped for a moment staring at him. I've been running around outside all afternoon. I ordered two drinks. They drew pictures for others when they were in their third year. I was quite experienced in dealing with prostitutes now but that had been the first time." Lanyu still stood near the door. I would never force anyone to do anything. "Watch TV for a while. I need a bath. although the pants were a little on the short side and very old." "I¡K. He didn't say anything. I also noted that he was scrutinizing me all the time. . Inside the room." I said as I stepped into the bathroom. Eat. I flipped on the TV and handed him the remote control in one fluid motion. in there is the bedroom. Outside are the sitting room and dinning room. that was not probable. "Studying architecture? Very nice.I'll watch TV. wearing a pair of pale blue pajamas which was a little pompous (I always had brand new bathrobes and pajamas at this place of mine) and with wet hair loosely matted on his forehead.He finished two bowls of fried rice with the dishes virtually untouched. and daytime was particularly long." I chatted with him when we were leaving the restaurant. the kind that was easy to go down but would go to your head very strong later. eyes fixing on the door of the elevator. I was a little shocked. It was apparent that he had been really hungry. although he was doing it in a slight and inconspicuous manner. I sat alone in a bathrobe sitting on the sofa contemplating on how to make this boy submit faster. talk and be friends is all right too. Very simple and clean. "Make yourself at home. Lots of programs on cable TV. "Which university are you going to?" I asked again. This is a suite. He stood near the door without moving away. Then the other things he had said were all true? According to my experience. It seemed that he did not want to answer the question. Then I put a stack of X-rated tapes into the videotape recorder. he became more prudent. July in Beijing was humid and suffocating hot. We didn't say anything in the elevator. She was not a virgin but she was a green prostitute. "It's all right. He came out of the bathroom. Forget about it if you don't want to watch.

His eyes dwelt on my body. his hands gripping the glass tightly. or maybe it was because he was too tired or too young. I turned around to look at him. I unfolded my bathrobe. seemingly lost and bashful. He took the drink but still stood there. He was ejaculating and looking strained. Maybe it was the effect of alcohol. saying nothing. so that they would never forget about it all his or her life and from then on I would be in command. I started to lick at his body and caressed it. His penis was not too big but not too small. and his cock was very. A beautiful western woman was on the screen. Maybe it was because of my love for myself. I was looking at his eyes all the time and he was looking at mine too. a man's moan escaped his mouth. he sucked me and we climaxed together. exposing strong and gleaming muscles. and I kept caressing his penis. he fell asleep fast. "Tell me if you are not comfortable. I leaned down and took off the bottom of his pajamas unhurriedly. I put my hand lightly between his legs." I said handing him a drink. her vulva being sucked by another with vigor. his body was not that attractive to me at that time. And the most unforgettable part was his eyesight. he started to kiss with me. The second time I performed fellatio for him and he ejaculated again." He sat down and seemed relieved secretly. I never thought he would come so fast."Want a drink? It's refreshing. He seemed to in the mood finally. my tongue flickering at his lips. He seemed to be frightened by something. just sitting there motionless. without moving. a little on the thin side. Then his hands suddenly grabbed my shoulders. I knew that whether it was a virgin girl or virgin boy. seemingly not knowing what to do. My mouth moved slowly to his mouth. I kissed his face and body feverishly. We did it twice again that night. To tell the truth. very hard. His mouth started to stiffen. I had agreed to go with the . with his eyes closed and his breath heavy. I started to masturbate him. His body seemed almost frozen. The third time." He just kept looking at me. I got up early the next morning. where the crotch of his pants was and rubbed. the first time must be gentle. He swallowed slightly. his testicles and around his anus. He turned to look at me. His body was that of a young boy not fully developed. and she was kneading her own huge breasts and yelling wantonly. but his clean virginity moved me tremendously. then let him lie down on the sofa. He was flushed and flustered. and the self-pity before then. "Sit down. I switched off the TV. stark naked. I did not ask him for anal sex because it was too early. I knew this must be the first time he was watching an X-rated movie. I wanted to laugh a little. but very soon.

As for boys. THE LOAN was basically secured. or she would consider me vulgar. back to top CHAPTER THREE TSE MEI was the office lady beauty type. and that he should leave after having breakfast. . It was her plump and fat ass. and they had no class. "The boy was still sleeping when you left this morning?" "Yes. I just ordered a breakfast for him. fleshy while the skin was very smooth. They demanded too much but they were not fresh merchandises. not knowing what to say.000 but thought better of it because I was afraid he would demand too much later and it would be difficult for me to refuse. "All right. Hers was well rounded.administrator of Chian Hsiang Loan Company to see the director of that company about a loan of $50 million. I left $2. Of course I didn't let her know all this. I treated the boys for lunch at noon when Liu Qsing called me on the phone. What about it?" "The hotel called to say that one thousand dollars was left behind. Most of them were not professionals. a thought occurred at the back of my mind that there could be more between me and this boy. Maybe I preferred the latter because of that. I liked only two types of woman. then left a note. also with a note. I'm very busy right now. We'll talk when I'm back. that it should be counted as a loan. She was working as marketing manager at a joint-venture company. That's it. Actually. I'd been dating her for more than . The part about Tze Mei that attracted me most was not her good looks or her sensitive mind. I hate singers and models or their kind." I was thoughtful for a few moments. just ask for me through Liu Qsing. girls still going to school and girls like Tse Mei.000. I had thought of leaving $3. $1. I liked the kind that played music and painted. saying that if he needed any help. that he would repay you when he had the money. Her ass was not like the average Oriental girls that tend to be flat and square." Turning off my mobile. It would stand up firmly even when she was walking around. I didn't wake Lanyu up as I saw that he was still sleeping soundly. He also said that he would contact you again. it was much harder to find a boy than a girl. even harder with a boy with class. doing it for short of cash or spur-of-the-moment new kicks.000 more than agreed beforehand." "What note?' "He said he took one thousand dollars. I had never made it with a boy who was a student.

"I still don't know Beijing that well. Especially different was the look on his face. You let him¡K. Gifts and odds and ends for her alone were costing me eight or nine thousand dollars a month. Everybody used to be the best. "Lanyu called me this morning. Although he was not smiling. Very bright and very sweet. "Nothing. He face was not so dark and thin as before. He was no longer tense and anxious." I looked at my watch. "Don't push yourself too hard." Liu Qsing was rather blunt. He looked a little different from last time. Maybe I'll pick you up if I have the time." "What do you want?" I was a little impatient." Tse Mei didn't ask anymore. "You sick or something. I hadn't seen him for only four or five months and he was a size taller. one hand still on Tse Mei's white ass when the phone rang loudly. I was sleeping soundly under the blankets. "Early? You know what time it is? It's almost noon. I guess he's probably missing you." I slurred. with only a few tables occupied by people chattering. APPROACHING TWO o'clock.six months. Now everybody could be the last. but the trees were almost stripped of leaves." He said without explaining. He looked around and I waved when he was facing me. "Sorry I'm late. Only his eyes hadn't change: still so melancholic and unsettling. there was a hint of a smile. How about the mess hall? Eating well?" I have this talent of making people feel that . It was from Liu Qsing. "Take a taxi from now on. I saw Lanyu come in." He said as he laughed. the restaurant hall of 'Hsiang Kuo' was very quiet. But I must go.' He didn't say anything. Took the wrong bus the second time. "How did you get here?" "By bus. I was suddenly in high spirit. It was not yet November. I looked at him as he talked. He saw me. It was a surprise. All of us are making comparison secretly. I'll wait for him at 'Hsiang Kuo' at two. I got out of bed and started to climb into my pants. At almost two twenty. That Sunday morning. Just don't lag too far behind. I had to open my eyes and take it. He said he had just finished his mid-term exam. This was the first time I saw him laugh. "Two o'clock. Just business. on her stomach. "Like school?" "It's horrible." His putonghua had improved a lot. She knew her place well." He supplemented." Putting down the phone. "Who was that? You going out?" Tse Mei asked in bed. calling me this early. I was not sleepy anymore. "¡K" "You have forgotten?" "I know.

though." he was a little bashful. so I came directly. "I had to go to give a private tutoring in the morning. The smooth bronze skin was resilient. Then I masturbated him and he ejaculated quickly. He was even more turned on." This worked miraculously. which makes me . I've been thinking about calling you on the phone. Was it that all he had told me were true? He really was a university student. He did not fall asleep so fast this time. I would be groping at him right then and there. but I was afraid¡K" his voice was trembling. One more sweep of my arm and he was stark naked before me. We started to chat. but he never ceased to surprise me. Both of us were desperate. I remember one noontime when I bought half a catty of noodles. just my name Han-tung which meant guarding the thought of Mao Tse-tung. and a good student at that? I was still suspicious when we were approaching my room. From the look on his face. "The food is delicious. "It is destiny that we have met. We kissed and caressed each other. he moved away suddenly and stopped the kiss. The near madness of fervor between two men making love was unmatched by that between two of the opposite sex. I took off his clothes for him while panting: "It has taken so long for you to look me up. and lovers. He stiffened but did not refuse. The dream like melancholy was surfacing on his face again." I laughed." I didn't know why. Hungry again before two o'clock.I cared and was sincere." "School just started. I felt that I had to make something clear to him earlier. All northern dishes. This time we did it with zest. sucked each other. The worse was at 'China U'. Then I suddenly remembered something and asked. I went on kissing him and when my finger went in a little further. All are soggy. If he had been a girl. But to be honest." "I'm at 'China U'.: "I really like you. I started again to kiss him on his face and whispered in his ear. Went to the toilet five times as a result. We could not stop looking at each other when we were eating. a little proud of himself. I ejaculated with him sucking me. The buns are great. That's why I had a lot of friends. I've been too busy. I looked at him." He said. it seemed true. His wide shoulders and narrow hips completed a perfect inverted triangle figure. I could have died missing you. "Where'd you come from? Have you eaten?" "No. We took a bath and lay down again. I have eaten in many universities and I think the mess hall at 'Southern U' was quite nice. I told him a little about myself and he seemed to listen relaxed and happy. I inserted one finger lightly into his anus just to test him. I'll do whatever you are willing to do. I was afraid I would be late. But you are too young. We finished our meal in a hurry and couldn't wait to get into the bedroom. "just don't buy the noodles in mess halls. I was a little shocked. I told him not to call me 'Chief Chan' again. But the noodles aren’t good." "Ha.

I thought of enjoying myself there but I was afraid it would not be clean. I pointed at a pile of bags in the walk-in closet and told him that those were clothes bought for him. He was a little like those adolescent girls. I had to go to Czechoslovakia on business. and he had grown taller. Except his clothes were doing him injustice. If you have a bad feeling. He said he had no problem this term. Her big ass was just like the popsicles I had longed for day and night when I was small. this game is between two consenting people. I got sick just by looking at one. and I was patient. if two people were too familiar with each other. and I didn't ask. when I could afford as many of it as I wanted. no need to tell others. I was afraid he would take this too seriously.apologetic. later. took out a pair of jeans and a jacket. I told Siao Min (my former lover) to purchase ten outfits designed especially for boys that age in Hong Kong. I told him to take the clothes. Liu Qsing though had asked him for me if he had enough money. IN DECEMBER. I stayed in Czechoslovakia for six days. making magnificent love each time but without any progress. put them on and said the rest should stay here for the mean time. I really did not want to press him. whenever Lanyu called." I said laughingly. He had a scholarship and two home tutoring jobs and that was enough. This kind of thing should only be good when both parties feel good. I didn't sleep after he was gone and went to my office. We dated twice again after that. This kind of thing is actually quite common in the west. I was glad that I didn't give him the number of my mobile. we could stay together. Anyway. This is something between two people. but is considered a lowly sin here. told my secretary and Liu Qsing that from now on. radiating even more the charm of a young boy. Although Tse Mei was not the kind of girl that would make a scene. Beijing had no special store for foreign merchandises. He just said "Oh". I said I could drive him but he said there was no need. not even a "Thank you". I had gotten rid of Tze Mei for good. He hesitated. saying that he had a class at eight. I had not wish to go because I hated flying which my friends said was ignorant But I went this time because Beijing bored me. you can just forget about it. which was not even up to the standard of the average Beijing boy at the time. at that time. signed a contract and solved the problem about goods detained by customs. He was really a 'natural beauty'. that only made it harder to get rid of her. He got up the next morning at six and left. He never asked me for money and never talked about himself. "Actually. This was a hint. I minded . But I did not immediately make my way back. Also. That day when we had finished making love. to tell him I was not in." He listened seriously and didn't say anything. and that buses were quite fast. they would be too ashamed to play this game. we must be careful. If we want to do it.

" Liu Qsing laughed too seeing the way I was laughing. "Where?" My heart missed a beat." Liu Qsing said casually after reporting affairs about the company. Seemed that he was busy helping to assemble a machine. "The boss told us to move it here. So I told those who had come along to go back first and I went to Honk Kong alone. At least twenty times. I looked around as soon as I entered the door." I laughed even more." "I'll just go look him up. Tease him more. "You know Liu Hai-quo has opened a company on a street in North Village? The kid's working there. He's not going home for the New Year? He saw you?" "No. I didn't return to Beijing until the middle of January. Seeing the students and laborers carrying small packets and shouldering the large parcels going to the train station everyday for their exodus. "Just looking around." "What did he say?" I said laughing so much that my eyes became a couple of slits." It was Lanyu who answered. I thought: Lanyu should go back to his hometown for the New Year too. LIU HAI-KUO was busy. I decided to train my guts. I did not forget about the affair with Lanyu and nobody mentioned it. He was . "Just said he wanted to talk to you. He was busy moving crates and assembling a shipment of adding machine parts he got from God knew where. The fact was I didn't even know myself. want to buy adding machines?" A young man approached me eagerly. I thought you really were tired of him. "You've been playing a game with him. At the end of January. people in my company were restless expecting the New Year. The Lunar New Year that year seemed to arrive unusually late." "Has he called all this time?" "Fuck. You are moving it where? Don't you know how to work?" A typical Beijing thug was shouting.this very much. back to top CHAPTER FOUR "I JUST saw Lanyu. I have something to discuss with your boss. I didn't bother to say hello to him. I didn't tell Liu Qsing why I was teasing him. "You fucking be careful. Finally. "Sir. nothing else." "Strange." He saw that I was not an ordinary visitor and dared not fluster with me anymore.

His home is in Nanhai. Lanyu glanced at him. It was the first time I saw him quibble with somebody. then excused myself. So I told him I quit and got out.' He said panting.not loud but he was firm. Now I'm free. He froze for a few seconds." Liu Hai-kuo urged Lanyu and another boy with spectacles impatiently. "I just passed by here today on some business. I broke the silence again. said nothing and turned to move another crate. You want it?" I kidded with Liu Hai-kuo while my eyes were on Lanyu. "Giving you some business. I was amused. The guy seemed lost. "You working here? Don't go home for the New Year?" "I and a mate won't go home this year. Then he suddenly saw me. "You two open the crates quick. "Could we make a detour to my school? I want to change my clothes." He said laughing happily. unable to figure out why I was there." I laughed out loud and did not comment Lanyu called out for me to stop when the car was one block out of North Village. He was still busying himself but his eyes shifted towards me from time to time. changing the subject." I laughed even more. "Stupid cunt. "I remember you told me that you had come from outside to attend university." He said very seriously." I heard the thug muttered. I laughed too." It was a cheap cotton quilt he was wearing. You know the way?" He . his face flushed with excitement. I said it was something urgent but he chided me. I signaled with my eyes to Lanyu and pointed at my deep blue BMW parked across the street After about ten minutes. And move this crate over there too. then broke into a smile. We have no maneuvering room with them piling here. how come you are here? This is so unexpected. Then I asked. I was suddenly reminded of a proverb: "Don't lie to children. he refused. Before going out of the door." A smile spread on Liu Hai-kuo's face." Liu Hai-kuo ordered. "I was afraid that you'd be gone. brother Chan. So he won't go." "Are you criticizing me? I'm a Beijingnese too. and indeed very soiled. "Just leave it there. Then he turned and saw me standing there. He continued. "Hey. And they are all obnoxious. especially like to bully outsiders. Lanyu ran over and quickly climbed into the car. "You asked your boss for some time coming out?" "I asked him for a few minutes. "People in Beijing are so uptight. These are dirty working clothes." We were silent for a while." I didn't believe myself even as I was speaking. turning to leave. couldn't even have enough time to make the trip. "Only the gate on the south allows cars to enter. I chatted with Liu Hai-kuo for a while.

I was bulging between my legs. Too stand out. He was very different when he came out again. He had also washed his face. Afterwards. then ejaculated separately." "This has never crossed my mind. When he didn't want me to know something. still on his side. I turned around and took out the lubricant I had prepared beforehand and rubbed a lot of it on my . He hadn't lied too much. then moved backwards to the anus. unbuttoned. "I'm not hinting at anything. It was the outfit that he had put on when he left last time. getting mad over such a trivia?" I laughed to cover up. His kind was so rare these days. His body stiffened a little. How could I not know the way?" The campus on South U was quite large. I didn't know what to say. I kneaded for a while. I turned the night light down to its dimmest and embraced him from behind and also lying on my side parallel to him. masturbated and sucked each other. though never as scenic as that on China U.asked. My whole finger was already in and I pulled and thrust slowly. He went on watching TV. I gripped the steering wheel tightly. So what? Businessmen were always dishonest. Brown collar and cuffs turned up. I leaned close to his ear and asked: "This hurt?" He shook his head. watching one of the two X-rated gay movies I had just acquired. he just didn't talk about it. I couldn't see his face. Baggy jeans matched a blue-gray jacket. My hands stopped there. My hands started to caress him on his shoulders and his breasts." He was so na?ve. The two young men in the movie were doing it feverishly and they were quite handsome. then onto the two rounded eggs. "You are mad because of the clothes?" "You think I'm a primary school girl or something. Then my hands slid to the front where the pubic hair was thickest. Some foreign students would speak to me in Japanese. ninety-five percent of what I had said myself were not true. I was perplexed a little: he really was studying here. He was stronger than before. brought in from the US. I handed him a drink. and more sexy. His brows and forehead were still moist. I'm just afraid that you might think I came to you for money. His member was hard again. "South U and China U are neighbors." He explained a little shy but not without pride. Lanyu lay on his side on the bed. and I tested by inserting it slowly. and one of his hands held on to my other hand for dear life. I had been running hereabouts for four years. WE KISSED madly like before. Thinking about myself on the contrary. starting to stroke lightly. The car stopped at the door of block number eight and he went in quickly. He raised his eyes to look at me and asked. "I can't wear these on the campus. I had wetted a finger with my saliva.

I really liked him a bit deep down. Or maybe it was harder to take than that. One of my hands instinctively found his penis and wanked him¡K. His hands gripped the sheets real tight. I hinted that he should raise his upper leg a little. When I was in all the way. but held him and caressed him like I had done with a girl.penis. making like he wanted to sleep. Lanyu was with me almost every day. Too steady a male companion would arouse suspicion. I didn't just rolled over and slept like before." He turned off the light. we will never do it this way again. This position was quite difficult. My member was in just the head before it slipped sideways and was out again. This was the easiest angle. and I as the boss could not keep my mind on my work either. Anal sex is just a way of making love. I took . the younger man was being stabbed so hard he was yelling in ecstasy. "If you hated this. driving me to near madness. Go to sleep. Then rubbed it inside his anus. Didn't he realize? This boy was too simple. I couldn't help shouting: "Oh¡K I thought about you everyday. although it looked degrading. like a girl losing her virginity in her first time. I almost died missing you. "Hurting there?" I asked gently. THE EMPLOYEES were listless in the days just before the Lunar New Year. I let him spread his legs and to kneel beside the bed. "Ah¡K" He again uttered that sound of suppressed excitement. This was not just the reaction from the genital. This time we didn't take a bath afterwards." I couldn't care anymore. his hands gripped tighter. He was very tight even with ample lubricants. uttering an almost inaudible moan. It's fucking great. He was tensed with excitement. My God. His muscle contracted a little. It's great. Lanyu turned his face around." I said as his back was still facing me. It was so good. On TV. My penis started to go in slowly. almost died missing you. I suddenly felt that my hand was wet and slippery." "It's quite nice. His penis was shuddering wildly. he had ejaculated before me! Then I too ejaculated. He didn't make any sound. I wanted to limit my thrusts to the slowest possible to ease his pain of the first time. I could be quite sure that he didn't loathe anal sex. But my consciousness was in disarray. and too withdrawn. "A little cool. just pulled and thrust like there was no tomorrow. "A little. His extremely painful tolerance moved me. too lack of words." He said and turned his back on me. just leaving the mess be. but he was just lying there like that and I did not want to force him. pressing his shoulders real low. I didn't stay with him at the hotel every time. then I tried to insert my penis slowly. It was just that his male pride was hurt. especially between gay men. especially for the first time.

He said the students were children of professors in 'China U'. . and I was quite sympathetic towards him. especially my mother. I told him with contempt that he could make long distance calls with the phone in the apartment. I told him that was because my old man was now out of power. My folks were quite friendly with him. "My mother died a few years ago." I was curious about his family. there were not many places to go in Beijing. The line was long and he had to wait a long time. He had to go to the home of a high school student in his third class and came back late. I did not agree that he should find more other jobs and he relented silently. I took off after her coming to this. I took him there regularly. I watched my youngest sister. saying that he could be more at ease there than in a hotel. He liked it very much. "Fine. were like my father. Lanyu told me that he was surprised that the family of a high-ranking official like ours could be so warm and happy. and that he had a deal with them in the first place and it was immoral for him to quit. firecrackers were crackling everywhere. . and it was so intense. and firecrackers were crackling sporadically outside. I don't want to go home. hypocritical and cold. getting used to these would make him less proud.him to a spacious apartment at 'Temporary Village' which were equipped with two bedrooms and one sitting room. Approaching midnight. at the hotel or using my mobile. and I thought: if they found out the truth about Lanyu and me. She was always hospitable. But he did not go on. He smiled philosophically. At that time. hatched from a rock. going to students' home to offer private tutoring. "I thought you were like the legendary Monkey King. And that woman. He said he had to go to the post office to place a long distance call to his family. useless. on the other hand. he came to my home under my insistence. or the karaoke. they would surely kill me. or going bowling or take a sauna or go swimming. except the lounge at the hotel." "How is your father?" I wanted to know more. What was he thinking of? His expenses for next term? IT WAS two days before New Year's Eve. Seemed that he was reminiscing about something. Lanyu and the husband of my other sister lighted firecrackers together. I had a secret evil thought too: I thought that since he liked to enjoy life. This was very risky. Later. The whole family is fine. she doesn't want me to go back too. He still retained his two part time jobs. I even have a sister who is three years old¡K" That touching melancholy appeared again in his eyes. the one my father married later. My two younger sisters. On New Year's Eve. But he said I should be content with what I already had.

is that work for a human being? Twelve hours a day. "The whores in the hotel would ask for at least two thousand. he told me he had found a job for the summer holiday. He said they had a deadline to meet. But the fact was I hadn't seen Cheung Chian for more than a month. it was booming. I said then don't ever come back. And I had even taken care of the people in Immigration. He said he wanted to stay at the site. and there was even no need to go through his school. from ten in the morning to ten at night. "Haven't I given you twenty thousand? That's not enough?" "I plan to give you back that money. combining business with pleasure. I couldn't stand it. The weather report on the radio said it was 38 degrees. . looking extremely tired." And that was it. are you?" He was very sensitive.back to top CHAPTER FIVE THE SCORCHING summer was here again and it was a slow season for most business. they had promised that they could get Lanyu's passport ready in three days. are you?" Jesus! He still couldn't put that out of his mind. After working like this for several days." He was silent for a while. You are not thinking that you can play with me for a few months for twenty thousand dollars. It was so hot it was like raining fire. planning to take Lanyu to the Southeast Asia and Hong Kong. Then he raised his eyes to look at me. but actually it was over forty." I saw that he didn't say anything and asked again. How could he be so na?ve? I was really angry: "You are asking for a beating. "It's none of your business. He was never fair-skinned in the first place." "How much can you make?" "One thousand dollars for two months. so everybody worked two shifts and he was in the white shift. I just wouln't go out. working at a construction site." I blurt out without thinking. But to my dismay. and outdoors in this heat. I had a very good plan. But not the fashion business." "Ha! One thousand dollars!" I scoffed." I stared at him fiercely. He would arrive home at almost eleven at night. You are taking yourself for such a cheapskate. I wanted to belt him. "Then you don't poke your nose into my business. the sun blackened him like he was a black man. So he still came back to 'Temporary Village' everyday. staying in my room all day. We had another fight: "Why do you take this job? You think you will become a construction worker?" "It is better to learn more on the site. "Besides. Lanyu went to the site every day. "You are still having a lot of whores at the hotel.

I have to go to work tomorrow. returned to the bed and rolled Lanyu who was sound asleep over and covered him with my whole body. "What are you doing?" He slurred." "It's still dark." I thought grudgingly. I washed my face. I found a savings passbook in a pile of Lanyu's books." He said as he covered his face with a pillow. He lay on his back with his eyes closed and let me feel him. Couldn't sleep much anyway. . was quite alert. The passbook recorded the sum of $20. "Han-tung." "It's almost seven. Lanyu. I would respect you. He said he had been cut by a piece of glass. his penis was hard. I didn't say or do anything until he came out of the bathroom and lay down on the bed.000 I had given him." He pleaded. he was young nonetheless and he would be aroused quickly. he would want to end it quickly. Play with me for a while. And he would fall fast asleep a few seconds after he ejaculated. exerting a certain lovely feminine charm. There was not one single record of withdrawal. Hey! Wake up." I teased him laughingly. You think that by not spending my money. But after doing it for a few moments. Looking at him sleeping so soundly. One day when I got home. "I couldn't sleep. a little impatient. That night. He saw that I was holding out on my ejaculation. He did it quite seriously. He kissed with me reluctantly. It was past two. to arouse him. and for free.That gave me a pleasure that was impossible to define. I will go on playing the game. that's no way to play. Then I put my hand between his legs and rubbed up and down. I got up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. A few minutes later. This time I want to see that if you have what it takes to make me shoot. we climaxed almost simultaneously. pushed me off and slept on his stomach. He was not looking well. That I was not playing with you. "Why don't you do it from behind?" He wanted me to have anal sex with him. "I've been thinking of you a whole day!" I ignored his plea and went on kissing him. he came home before eleven. I couldn't be certain whether my heart was aching for him or if I was holding a grudge against him. I'm too tired today. Though very tired. knelt down and forced him to suck me. He was awakened. I straddled his face. I saw that he was falling asleep and shook him heavily." "Go to sleep. play it tomorrow. "No. After bathing. "Good. and started to kiss me laughing. After a while. There was some gauze on one of his fingers that had been put on carelessly. I'm no gentleman. I had never been so mad over a 'hustler' before. "Wake up. I would start to caress him. I looked at my watch." He opened his eyes and I kissed him on the lips. He jumped up with a flourish.

I got up. You can go on with your studying. He still didn't utter a sound. I heard in my grogginess that he was washing. raised his tired eyes and looked at me with puzzlement. I think this is no fun at all. "Get up! Get up! Go take a bath! Don't you behave like a cheap laborer. I finally opened my mouth: "Lanyu. He rolled over. We've been together long enough. He came out less than five minutes later and dropped down on the bed again. and you're not even as good as an 'old comrade' like me. I'll wake you up on time. finally awakened by the noise and sat up. but now I was really aroused. He said he had fallen asleep on the bus and didn't wake up until he reached the terminal. He was once again aroused. turned on the small TV in the bedroom and played an X-rated movie. having uttered a 'Beijing cuss' he had just learned. We shot our loads in just a few minutes. We couldn't fall asleep again. I felt abnormal even myself. was gaunt and dark. muttering something going into the bathroom groggily." I thought it would be . He must have been afraid of waking me up. I hated his stubbornness. "I always play this kind of game less than one year at a time. Are you trying to make me impotent?" I started to tease him again." He frowned slightly. making very little noise. really¡K!" He smiled helplessly. He was not happy. turning the volume real high and lit a cigarette. I noticed that the door of the bedroom was closed. Then I heard him close the door lightly on his way out¡K Lanyu came back at half past eleven. It's a shame. Go back to sleep. His eyes were showing bewilderment. He looked outside the window: "It's so dark. I had been joking to make it tough for him. His face." "It's only three. Looking at him. smiled philosophically with tiredness. He yawned. seemingly lost. I let him lean on me watching the TV so that I could caress him easily. then just sat on the bed. He will give it to you." I was trying to hurt him deliberately. Don't mess with me anymore. With all that sweat on his body. He had to take a taxi back. It was easier than arousing a tired woman. "Go to Liu Qsing if you need money. which had been handsome. I never realized that he had been going to work taking busses." "You. I had this strong urge to get even and to torture. find yourself a girlfriend in the university." I said as I reached out to pull him up. He just looked at the TV dazedly without caring about me. He was surprisingly tame and easygoing. "You are so young. it was disgusting. Why don't we just split. In the morning. be a decent person. I'm tired of you. We chatted and watched TV until after five before we could sleep again. He went to bed without even taking a shower.

She knew that her handsome and rich son was never short of women. It would be worth all this only if he was a girl. I had not stayed at 'Temporary Village' and didn't want to stay at the hotel." "Forget about him. "It's so easy to fix him. You are wasting your feelings acting this way. You pack your things and leave tomorrow. then slammed it shut heavily. But he was just silent." My mother laughed." "How come you only have eyes for that girl? I don't want to sell myself for power. " I was afraid I would laugh out with amusement so I dared not look at him. after my old man had gone off to meet his war mates and my younger sister had gone on a date. That night. Mom seemed to have noticed that I looked unhappy." Liu Qsing told me. And could be in charge of matters concerning foreign trade. I had gone home to stay a few days. Mom went into the kitchen again to tell the maid what to do." "You can make it with anyone you like. SINCE LANYU had gone. Her father got a promotion again this year. but I was happy. "I heard from Liu Qsing that you have a very close girlfriend." "Cheung Hai-hung came for you again yesterday. Don't ever come back. She won't leave even if I tried to drive her away. And she is holding on to me for dear life. trying to make her happy. Just like little Liu Qsing. Han-tung. How come you want to stay at home these couple of days?" "Because I missed you and Pop!" Ever since I had grown up. There are lots of good girls outside. she said to me: "Tung. just don't stall anymore. See if he's not fixed. You should straighten up yourself. Or just find somebody to beat him up. just pushed open the door and stepped out.amusing if he would bawl or make a scene hysterically like a girl. I finally got even." I laughed. "I'm going out tonight." With that. I had asked him to check on Lanyu." Liu Qsing was actually amused and laughed at his own joke. I was always teasing her. She's a nice girl. I was thinking about her words: 'you can make . "Fuck! This boy is such a rare breed. "Didn't work out with your girlfriend?" "No. "Who's having feelings with him? I just feel that I have not fixed the kid. trying to sound tongue in cheek. It was very hot outside. It's so nice to have your own family. and the further I went the heavier I felt." Liu Qsing could figure it out even though I hadn't told him the details. I was left alone with my mom and I was enjoying her 'cucumber poached in oil'. "HE'S STILL working at the site. Just give him a car and go to American to have some fun. I drove aimlessly along the newly paved "Liu Wan'." "Yes.

But now that he had suddenly stopped working. I was almost afraid to step forward. I wouldn't be so absurd as to falling in love with a boy. I was a little worried. I suddenly noticed that there seemed to be a figure lying on the lower bunk by the window. It was good for both him and me. A strong sense of fear enveloped me. I even thought of a funny word: 'Love'. I found room 815 by the numbers. Pull up the horse before the edge of the cliff. Because of a change in policy. back to top CHAPTER SEVEN EVEN AS the thing about Lanyu bugged me. I was a little disappointed. . I knocked again several times. I had appointments with several clients that night. The outcome was that nobody was in room 815. So be it. would I? I was quite sure that I was a normal man. But I still couldn't help thinking of him. I was ready to go out at noon on Saturday when Liu Qsing told me Lanyu had not been to the construction site for a week. I must get rid of them before the next Lunar New Year. it would kill her. Things between Lanyu and me was becoming more and more absurd. I saw by the moonlight that the room was crowded with eight bunks in double decks with a long table in the center. all of them potential buyers of my cars. Still silence. the phone rang a long time before somebody answered.it with anyone you like'? If I wanted to make it with Lanyu. It was just that I liked to play the game in too many different ways. He seemed to take it so placidly. It had been two weeks when we split. It was pitch dark in the room. even if I had to lose money. I knocked on the door several times. ridiculous. A stench overwhelmed me when I walked in the door of block 8. I decided to call him at his school at dusk. Then I had to wait another fifteen minutes. And silent. But I changed my mind at the last moment. "Lanyu! Lanyu!" I called out testing for response. It was an odor I had missed for a long time. I turned the knob while I was prepared to turn and leave. Nobody answered. something in my business gave me a real headache too: a shipment of imported automobiles was in trouble. It was the inevitable male stench coming from the toilet of the male dormitory. I found that the door was unlocked. The light was dim. Everybody had gone home for the holiday. I had to go to 'China U' to take a look. At first I had been astonished he was still working at the site. But there was no response. Maybe because it was a holiday. Just split like this..

"Please help me. I watched Lanyu's tightly closed eyes and whitened lips. listening to his uneven and rapid breathing. This was a living person. I dashed out to the corridor and yelled: "Anybody here? Any schoolmate to help?" "What's the matter?" Two heads poked out at the same time of a room. I had never been so scared in my life." "Seems so. A young and elegantly handsome. and my eyes were red. They helped me to lift Lanyu while discussing: "What class does he belong?" "It's 'architecture A'. It was weak and rapid. As she spoke. And that he was seriously dehydrated. bespectacled female intern was examining Lanyu. I pulled myself together and touched his face. I gripped one of his hands. I had to fight the fear desperately to keep calm and stepped forward to the bed. I don¡¦t know how to answer to my parents. as if there was no hope. He could sit up already the following noon and . Never had anything to do with him. His name is Lanyu." I was not interested in their discussion. I found his hand and felt his pulse. It was already past nine at night." The little doctor understood fast. That was a sleepless night. He hadn't gone home this year. The little doctor looked at me curiously. which were dry and chapped. But this guy is so silent. I Let out a sigh of relieve. She told me with sympathy that the high fever that drove Lanyu into oblivion had probably been caused by a pus-filled tonsil. rubbing his body with alcohol to drive down the temperature. her eyes were scanning Lanyu's gaunt but still handsome face. I really couldn't get a hold of myself. I had to cover up: "This is my younger brother. I was at Lanyu's bedside all night. checking Lanyu's temperature every thirty minutes. Then I heard him breathing. It was he. I wanted to carry him but couldn't. I was suddenly so relieved that I had difficulty keeping my eyes open¡K YOUTH WAS on his side. The emergency clinic at The Third Hospital was still crowded." "You his family?" One of the boys asked "I'm his elder brother. The doctor was taking her job seriously. Seems that he has a relation in Beijing.I was gripped by fear. It was not cold as ice as I had expected. I was certain it was he. It was searing hot. This went on until after five in the morning when she smiled and said the temperature was down to thirtyeight and he was out of danger. "Why bring him in so late?" The young doctor asked quietly and indignantly. Although there was not sufficient light. " "Oh! The one dressed like a Japanese lad. If he doesn't make it. watching the fluid dripping. A schoolmate must be rushed to the hospital immediately. I observed his expression.

I felt his hand on my penis. His body undulated to the motion of my hand. I looked down at him. This was the only anal sex position he liked. I brought him back to 'Temporary Village' in the afternoon. But my mind was swamped by my desire. and the more excited he was. his fingers tangling with the strands. so don't blame me. his neck. his pubic hair. spread them roughly and quickly lowered my head to lick his¡K His hand reached into my hair. facing me. He just panted rapidly. brutally¡K He seldom made any sound when making love. and he rubbed against my leg with his feet. but with more joy. his buttocks arching up. It was the result of their fight the night before yesterday. he was almost out of breath this time. "Don't fool around." I said viciously as I leaned down to kiss him on the lips. Then I jumped up and straddled him. "What are you going to do?" There was a masculine challenge in his voice. I told him he needed a lot of rest and that he should have some sleep first. let him down a large glass of water first. his obsessed eyes observing my face¡K I knew he was still very weak and I shouldn't perform anal sex on him. on his side. Lanyu was lying on his back. "I'm going to fuck you. raised them and spread them. This was a raping position: "You want to kill yourself? You are asking for it. pinning them tightly on the pillow. He turned. My hand touched his anus. his upper leg raising a little. Not only did he not stop. Waves of joy were erupting inside me. He went further by masturbating me. I held him tight with all my might. "You are such a scoundrel. his chest. Maybe it was because he had just come out of a serious illness. and my lower body started to pull and thrust. I kissed his face. He was smiling at me. I took one of his hands. He turned after a few minutes. probably because this wouldn't embarrass him. There was that look of forlorn obsession again. he was also stroking my cock up and down. my hands around his shoulders. I turned the air-con low. Then I pressed the whole of my torso onto his back. and slowly delivered my penis into¡K I was also lying on my side at the same time.was so hungry he asked for some rice." I laughed. . sat on the bed reading a contract draft given me by Fung Yi-kwan (one of my deputy managers) concerning the sale of thirty of my imported automobiles. I motioned him to turn around. ¡KI applied ample saliva. I gripped both of his hands in a flash. I felt his forehead and it was cool. and he licked my shoulder. Sleep properly. then let him lie down and covered him with a blanket. He even moved his lower body slightly to the rhythm of my motion. his¡K ¡K I grabbed his legs. the more silent he would be." I laughed gazing at him." I laughed and chaffed him.

your brother was so desperate he cried. his eyes deliberately on me. I got a phone call from my younger sister: "Brother! Father's not going to make it! You better come fast!" "When was it? What happened?" I couldn't believe it. I never liked to take advantage of an insider. I let him lie in the bathtub and washed him tenderly. That was an unusual year. But that was what I feared most. The bell of New Year tolled while Lanyu and I was swamped by the sweetness of ecstasy in bed. To me. He really didn't ask for much. It might consume you too much. He bought all the automobiles that were hard to get rid of. but sometimes I had to. She was attracted to you. . I still devoted a lot of time to be with him. and he was an insider. THE RELATIONSHIP between Lanyu and me had acquired a new dimension. School would start for him in a little more than a week. and to my whole country¡K back to top CHAPTER EIGHT ON 6th FEBRUARY. "She's so old!" She seemed to remind him of something and he said: "In the hospital. panting heavily. We talked about the little woman doctor earlier: "She couldn't keep her eyes away from you. she told me: 'When you were in a coma. He never mentioned the time I told him to leave. as if to watch my reaction. lying there motionless. never anyone else. In my moment of obsession. I told Lanyu about this without thinking and he said sarcastically: money can make people go crazy. But I felt that he was only doing this to please me. But he was glowing. Both of us ejaculated under my pull and thrust and his masturbation¡KHe looked exhausted. Just two days ago." He seemed outraged. I avoided his eyes." "It won't!" He did not have the slightest intention of heeding my advice. But that was not a vow I was to keep. I vowed to be with him forever.'" He said this with childish glee. He was totally swept away by the frenzy of lovemaking. nor mentioned how much this hurt him¡K I finally found a 'fool'. he had chided me for not doing decent business.I held one of his hands that was playing with his penis and said to him: "Try not to shoot. In the bathroom. He began to accept my money and gifts happily. tried to laugh away the mockery. Even though I was troubled by my business affairs. My heart ached a little: he was so easy to be content.

but he couldn't get it out. "Come on. Being his eldest offspring and his only son. I thought you must be not in the mood." I couldn't get a hold of myself and stopped. But now. He was always disciplining me and he also hit me. pals addressed each other's mother as 'our mom'. "So-so. His death was too sudden. He even liked to talk to me. My father occupied my mind. I opened the door and saw Lanyu sitting on the couch reading. But looking back now. but I didn't like to heed him¡K " ¡KI remember that year when I got accepted by 'Southern U'. he did try his best to help me out those few year when I was starting my own business¡K" I took a sip of beer. Let's go out for dinner." I said again. Lanyu called to ask if I would go back to 'Temporary Village'." I said. He was so considerate. I didn't have enough time to cry for him before I had to busy myself with his funeral and all that. He put down the book when he saw me and looked at me in concern and asked: "Is our mom better these few days?" He had used to address my mother as 'auntie' and I had told him that in Beijing. And he never cared where he did the hitting or hitting me where¡K He was better when I was older. I really wanted to get away from the atmosphere of sadness." He laughed too." I noticed that there were paper bags on the dinning table."He was all right last night. I continued: "He opened his eyes suddenly just before he died. He died of brain hemorrhage. Perhaps he really liked me deep down. I had to stay home everyday to comfort her. it is so cold and lonely. He looked at every one of us. It was a weekend. my father passed away. He was listening intensely. "Forget about that. I was starting to feel comfortable the first time in days. I was certain that he wanted to say something. "The old man was always straight-faced. and I told him I'd come over in the evening. and the mourning." I answered listlessly. He was the best of audience. but she aged a lot in the space of a few days. After a few glasses of beer. Father had been an influential man after all. . he was so proud that he had too much to drink. only his son enrolled by passing the exam¡KI never felt that he was good to me. the condolences and all that exhausted me. I have bought some cooked food. as if to myself as well as to Lanyu: "I didn't like him much since I was a child. My mother was twenty years younger than my father. we could only feel comfortable when he was not home." Two days later. I think it was like the last flicker before a candle went out. There was even a crate of 'Yanjin' beer on the floor. glanced at Lanyu. But Mother found he was not making it in the small hours this morning. his eyes on me finally." "It's still the same. I picked up a bottle of beer and laughed: "We were cheap just like this in our university days. and he said that among his friends. the events in memory. Let's eat at home.

I was already familiar with the lessons in the second class in junior middle school. She was nice to everybody. But then she had laughed and said. "My father was not like you businessmen. She was actually quite a beauty but was extremely ugly in my eyes¡KI was twelve and was insensitive to what was happening in the family. "Both of them were professors in 'Industrial U'. She got out of the hospital. there was no one with her. never helping with the housework. My family was quite nice when I was small." Lanyu was obviously having too much to drink. I heard Lanyu said quietly: "I think he didn't die feeling too bad. He taught me to play the 'erhu' (a Chinese form of violin). This was the first time he talked about his mother's death. By the time I finished primary school. I had never heard them quarrel. His expression was a little weird. and did the math with me. The doctor said she was too young to have suffered that at forty years of age.After a long silence. My mother came from the Hung County while my father from the northeast¡K" I looked at him and thought: that¡¦s why he had the face features of a northeast man and at the same time the elegance of a southerner. My father seldom went. The only time was when she accused my father of being macho. He didn't know how to play the field. "She was actually all right. He taught me all that. She said the most precious thing to her was feelings. 'Get out of here.''' He smiled sweetly and took another gulp of beer: "Then came the reform and openness. My mother was a woman of few words. he seemed cold and aloof: "Although my parents lived in the northwest. she said money can make people become cold. But still she died. She left a long letter. color TV and was admired by the whole neighborhood¡K" By now I could guess the end of the story. He got serious the first time he played. Our mom. I went to the hospital to see her everyday after school. This was a very rare chance. It seemed that he had designed some kind of fan machine. which was snapped up by a suburban town enterprise. Our family became the richest in my whole school. lead me to collect stamps. So she killed herself. until my mother had a stroke. He used to drag my mother and me around looking for games to play. "When my mother died. My father was one of the earliest intellectuals to jump into the sea of business. She . which was to me and also to my father: she hated money. you. That's why he had never talked about it. selfish and heartless. She took a whole bottle of sleeping pills¡K" I looked up at him. My father was fun loving. Although very sad. I have met the woman before my mother died. He should have been content¡K" he paused for a moment. The same thing was happening all the time nowadays. they were not born there. I did not persuade him to stop. Ours was the earliest to have refrigerator. and your sisters were at his side. or he would not talk that much.

" He got up by himself and felt his way into the bathroom. saying that he had forced his original wife to death and then turned back into a poor man. I didn't know if he meant the thing about his parents or about meeting me." . that I must pass the exams and get out in the future. I seemed to detect hatred. "Don't drink so much. just indulged himself in chess--he was already a sixth grade amateur." My heart shuddered once as I listened. he lay on the couch." He muttered to himself. In my third year in senior high. "Nobody has been so good to me since my mother died. He went back to teaching and everyone laughed at him.would rather be a shattered piece of jade than an intact earthenware. I felt that they were laughing at me too¡K "That woman was quite nice to me at first. She told me it was difficult at home. simulated exams were performed by my school everyday and we were asked to pay for the printing cost. She wanted me to stand up myself. "MY HEAD is killing me. Why am I so out of luck?" He suddenly exploded with resentment." He lowered his head. "She told me to study properly. then turned nasty. My father washed his hands of everything. he married that woman and they had a daughter." He looked at me and laughed to me meaningfully." Lanyu smiled helplessly and poured himself another glass of beer. one hand holding the glass. Still. "It's all right." Lanyu suddenly stopped." "No. Then I met Liu Qsing and then you. "Don't drink anymore. You've been sober all along. He even put in his entire life-savings and lost it too. wanted me to be a real and proper man." I was really down. my father's 'business' sunk like a rock." I said as I took away his glass. saying that we had no money. I'm not drunk. She quarreled fiercely with my father over this. get away from 'Industrial U'. and that the wages she and my father earned were just enough for food. the other playing with a beer cap and went on: "My mother must never have guessed that hardly one year after her death." I tried to stop him. Or you'll get drunk. "This is virtually not possible now. I thought he must have been talking about me. she could stand me no longer. looked at me real sexy and asked: "Want to play a round?" I shook my head: "Not in the mood. When he came back. I must have had too much to drink last night. When I got accepted by 'China U'. He continued: "I borrowed one hundred dollars from an uncle living near Hung County and came straight to Beijing. staring at me with slightly reddened eyes. He didn't heed me. "Damn it.

I didn't answer. I moved his body closer so that I could suck him too¡K. I looked at him from the side." He whispered my name. I closed my eyes. just wanted to hold him like that He didn't say anything. He said he was scared of the professors and fellow students around him. He looked at me. Now he was like a Beijing boy. He still looked at me from time to time when we were kissing." I couldn't help laughing at his ignorance: . He was hinting that I should perform anal sex. Then he moved away from my lips and began to perform fellatio on me. He noticed my eyes and turned to look at me and asked: "What?" "Nothing. We were motionless like this for a long time¡K I really didn't want to make love. I stopped him. I said I didn't want to ejaculate." "You're sick. "You've been a student in a university. "I'm sick. Just looking at you. closing my eyes again. afraid that they might catch on to his secret. but I was the one who got drunk. You should have the sense of crisis. I held him from behind."I bought the beer for you. his bright eyes and long lashes. After a while. That he was incurable¡K back to top CHAPTER NINE IT WAS not a peaceful year at all." He blushed slightly and laughed. Tired of the good days?" I said to him with contempt. He had said he could only relax when he was with me. He looked guilty and wanted to continue sucking me. then leaned over and kissed my lips lightly. Lanyu told me excitedly that they had stopped studying and were on a hunger strike. enjoying that dream-like ecstasy¡K "Han-tung. Must have been my unusual response that intrigued him. He continued to suck me. moved his body against me tightly. He lay down. I'm really sick. "What are you people trying to mess up." He laughed apologetically. I had still not come. He had been more and more inebriated and said a lot." I seemed to be talking to myself. "Go on. I was thinking about what he had said last night. I opened my eyes. and saw that he was looking at me in bewilderment.Just a few sucks and he ejaculated. looking at his black bushy brow. Our kiss was delicate and tender." I prompted him. April 15.

We once went to a cabaret with 'three escort' service (meaning singing. I don't like it. "You people! You are maggots munching away at our country. But he seemed prudish all evening. "Don't get involved so deeply. You will think about these problems in the future. or you would have dragged me into the streets and purged me. "Why is marriage necessary? Isn't it quite nice to stay the way we are?" He said. If I couldn't do business as a result and I had no other means of earning a living. I just smiled slightly without answering. then asked with caution: "Will there be any bad effect if they go on making noises like this?" "There will be. "Forget it! I'd rather be a beggar. we should do business properly. I didn't even join the hunger strike." I was mocking him."If you really cared about your country. He said no. Otherwise. I said he must be a Romantist. And us. His silence often meant that he was unhappy." I augmented. most of the university students were joining the 'Revolution'. I deliberately chose a young and pure looking girl to be his company. the 'Maists' (those who liked to play majong) and the 'Romantists' (those who were indulging in romance). He laughed too. He didn't have anything to do. because that meant those who were properly in love. The important thing was that we could be together everyday." At that time. "You are still young. Scared stiff?" "No. If I were not taking him to bed. how many of them got out unscathed?" "I won't. how can you find a wife in the future?" "¡K" I knew him very well by now. He was like a piece of flawless jade that I wanted to keep to myself. Lanyu told me that those with the most gain were the 'Toeflist' (those preparing to take the Toefl exam). There were some known gay joints I would never take him to. But I took care to change places all the time. Look back at the 'Cultural Revolution'. . The schooling had ground to a complete halt. "You want to get married?" He asked suddenly after a long pause. while a few were taking the chance to do things for their own gain. you should study properly. I am only one of those outermost member. I would bring him to the hotel to have fun. I would become a beggar. drinking and going to bed with a customer). wouldn't I?" "I'll support you!" He laughed with glee. I guessed he must have been thinking that ours were improper trysts. It could go wrong. I asked laughingly when we had left: "What's the matter." "You should learn to get along with girls. It was no fun." "Lucky this is not the Cultural Revolution. It was not important what we were." I said as I drove along and laughed." I paused and then said more seriously.

I kissed him fervently¡KThis was the first time we kissed and embraced outdoors. he called me to say that the situation was urgent." "How do you know?" I was pissed off enough." I thought. I have passed the point of no return. I embraced him roughly. I got a call from Tsai Ming just as I stepped into my company." I deliberately tried to provoke him. just a long. I sat wearily at the gateway of 'Tien U". But he was gone. I'll be careful. but I could sense the melancholy and the fright in them. After I hung up. I got a call from my mother. We would come back at night for sure. The humid air and the starless sky were depressing enough. and that he should wait for me to come home." I thought with agitation and rage. and the inciting voice of a girl was calling for all to go to lend support at 'The Great Front Door'. I was desperate: "You should absolutely not go out tonight. I had to go back to 'Temporary Village'. Nobody was around. I thought it was time they made their move too. and he would go with a classmate to "the Great front Door'. Too bad there was no bright sunlight. We were standing in a dark and quiet parking lot. I didn't go into the house. "Han-tung. I drove around Beijing aimlessly. I dropped everything I was doing. and I had to be patient to explain to him: "It is one hundred percent accurate. "Me too. It was chaos everywhere. She told me never to go out at night. He told me mysteriously and excitedly that they would make the move that night. The atmosphere was tense. I was going crazy for him." His mind was set. Just don't ask why. Maybe I'll find a wife in a couple of days. It was now midnight. Two hours later. "That's the 'benefit' of falling in love with a boy. "I promise to get back before ten. His tip-offs had used to be 99% good. I asked her laughing why should I go out. I wondered why he was so stubborn sometimes.I pressed my lips onto his. "You! You got water in your head?" I was starting to get tense. in public." He whispered."Sure I want to. and tightly. International songs and the national anthem were blaring loudly nonstop from loudspeakers. long night¡K ON THE 4th of June. I couldn't see his eyes clearly in the darkness. I placed a call to 'Temporary Village' telling Lanyu not to go out in the afternoon. It was past eleven at night." "No! I tell you. I called 'Temporary Village' nonstop on my mobile but nobody answered. I got real excited the moment I caught his scent¡K." "Then I must go!" He became excited." "We are just going to have a look. In the afternoon. took my car and sped to 'Temporary Village'. I didn't want unrest too. We were standing real close to each other. I just . things would certainly go wrong tonight.

Even his face was bloody. Lanyu¡K" "I must go out there. a man was half walking half running my way. Then the shooting started again. He liked to do that. went over. looking up at me from time to time. I couldn't help muttering: "Lanyu. I hadn't eaten since this afternoon. gentle and compassionate person like him could be a protector in hails of bullets. No one could enter the village without passing here. we started to caress each other.sat on the shoulder of the road. I saw a man at the front door was not moving and ran over to pull him along. but I didn't feel hungry¡Kwatching the sky turning white. From far away. took his face in my hands. But she was so scared she just couldn't move. I looked . we were still so agitated we couldn't fall asleep. I grabbed a handful of blood¡KThere was a girl beside me." "Are you really so¡Kfond of me?" The 'fond' was lighter. I must go out there even if I had to die!" I thought and was ready to start my car. as if he was ashamed to say it. I threw myself on the ground. I can't! I can't!" I almost cried out. It was hot. I looked at him¡Kit was hard to imagine that a submissive. I almost went to 'The Great Front Door'. "Are you all right?" I was dazed. "It's all right. Even after a tense night. I sat there chain-smoking. shielding her with my body¡K" As Lanyu talked." he looked down at his own clothes and said. I pressed my face against his sexy skin." "Shit! You are so selfish. I was so frightened I couldn't say anything¡K. bloody pictures emerged in my mind's eye. I threw myself on top of her. throbbing with life. He held my buttock and sucked my penis¡KI grabbed his hair. I was extremely despaired. His white clothes were drenched with blood. His beautiful eyes were filled with bliss. I could have died. It was Lanyu. I got off from the bed. He lay in my arms: "I thought I was as good as dead and couldn't see you again. He kept telling me what had happened: "The first time the shooting started. I could feel it even though I couldn't see him clearly. We were using each other's body to prove that we were alive. When the shooting stopped. Then he stopped to kneel on the carpet. there was only one thought in my mind: "I can't afford to lose him. they all turned and ran. He was still mine. He was pressing against me the same way. "That's Fascist! Animals!" He cursed with fury. "not my blood!" Hearing that. I held him on the floor with one fluid motion. I wanted to pull her along to run with me. my head was spinning¡K¡K He had walked back from 'North River'. Even if you lived. "I hate you! I want to kill you!"¡K Having said goodbye to the threat of death.

Small electrical household appliances worth over seven million dollars were destroyed. Who's going to redeem me for my loss? I'm being quite generous for not suing him." "You businessmen are so cold-hearted." "He's not directly responsible. My love could be seen and heard. because everybody was in the same boat. He had told me it was an ink and watercolor construction picture. That was all." Lanyu was still putting on the finishing touches. and what I thought was shameful. "That's his own problem. I gave him a 'Lexus' as a gift. Liu Qsing was indisputably responsible. I don't care what people are saying. There were 'embargoes' all around. I told Lanyu I was going to fire Liu Qsing when we were chatting. not just 'sex'. Lanyu had absolutely nothing to do. He knew this was the hardest time and he did this to me.into his eyes: "I love you!" I said what I had never said even to a woman. He got a lot of designing and graphic jobs from my friends who were operating construction companies. on the condition that he went to a driving school. It was only temporarily." "Didn't you tell me that his child was seriously ill these couple of days? He must have been too busy and it slipped his mind. He said it was not for the money. back to top CHAPTER TEN FROM JUNE to September. The day he got his driving license. "Is that worth it? You've been friends all these years. He wanted me to find him a job. But snow had to be followed by sleet at this time. But Lanyu's love I could only feel. I didn't care. "I have known there were problems with the circuits in the warehouse and told him to get electricians to fix it. I said it so naturally. I promised. "He has gone too far. My business was not doing well. One of my warehouses caught fire. I would get excited every time I recall it. just the practical experience. . I really have experienced it for a fact. He just laughed and said "Great!" when he accepted. It was the only words I could think of¡K We were again drowned in the ecstasy of love¡K It was really love. And he became even busier than I was." Lanyu was always on the forgiving side." He said looking at a visualization drawing he had just completed." He laughed.

Except having grown taller and more handsome.or Sze-ling and Siu-wai would¡K" Liu Qsing was also staying in a unit at 'Temporary Village'. I didn't go on arguing with him. This you must learn. If you let him off this time. He never had been the one to knock. Make the transfer fast. I know I am responsible. It is difficult to go on. I will tell finance to deduct directly. he would be extremely grateful!¡KFuck! Ruined!" He seemed to have blotched a part of his picture. You can't be compassionate. "The fever has not subsided. Chiang Ming and Chiang Shun-kuo will be laid off. This was the first time things were so embarrassing between us. He sounded so difficult. he was the same as I had seen him the first time. Business is no good as it is. "Sze-ling has a contract linked with that hospital. I have put away several tens of thousand dollars. I didn't know. "What about business aside? Among friends?" He asked casually. Don't worry about that."It is only profit that counts in business." I paused deliberately. I hope this could be a lesson to you. After a moment of silence. "You can't recoup you loss even if you fired him." He said scowling. It's been almost two weeks. He himself had not changed. That little hospital of yours is no good." I told him with a disciplinary tone. "How's Siu-wai" I asked. I just want to ask of you for one thing." I told . you don't have to say anything. and richer his technique in bed. He's a nice man. I will deduct three months of your salary. The company will be responsible for all expenses at the Children's Hospital. THERE WAS a slight knock on my door and Liu Qsing slipped inside. Just wait till I have found a place¡K. These few years under you. You will work for me for free for three months. it would be too late to regret it. If something happened to the child. Just let this be my repayment. Please do not take back the house for the mean time. You know that my brother is staying with my parents and I can't go back. This fire has made it even tougher." Liu Qsing looked surprised.. "I have told little Chow to type up a memo. They were the ones who were directly responsible. seemingly lost. I was feeling that Lanyu was influencing me in a big way. I'm afraid that a transfer is not possible. which was owned by my company just like the apartment I was having. then said: "As for you. "I've had someone contact the chief of internal medicine at Children's Hospital. I didn't answer. Just make the transfer. Don't tell anyone in the company." I deliberately exaggerated. I was thinking about how I should handle this too. I cut him short: "This is the most difficult time for the company. Liu Qsing opened his mouth first: "Han-tung." Liu Qsing looked at me." "Never mind.

She was once the belle of the school. you are quite a sentimental guy too!" He laughed and said." Liu Qsing explained. Lanyu had a way with children. Liu Qsing's wife---Sze-ling was from Szechuan. Seeing them going into Siu-wai's room. She must be aware of the thing about Lanyu. Liu Qsing said to me: "How nice it would be if he was a girl. Everything was so natural and in harmony now. He hit off just right with Siu-wai. looking at their loving ways. and I took Lanyu's hand. I will not ask you to work on office hours. scrutiny or discrimination at all. Lanyu taught me to do so. was hospitable and proper. I'll do the work the rest of the time. Sometimes. the cold snow was still falling¡K "THE FIRST of May' was the labor-day festival and on top of that it was the anniversary of the school. "But. Lanyu had close to a week of holiday. When he did. He would never understand. I could never imagine that more than four years later I was to be repaid many folds in interest. People are restless now. I just held on to his hand and chatted on. you would have some feelings after a long time. "He really is interesting. Liu Qsing invited me to his house to eat Szechuan hot pot. And he is so nice. when Siu-wai had gone to bed.. and none of us minded this." He didn't look up for a long time. He pulled Lanyu into his room to see his 'Little Red Flower'. out of habit and put it on my lap. We were a little inebriated." I knew Liu Qsing liked to speak his mind. I can't ask anyone else to do the job. she treated him just like she would treat a casual friend on the surface. Outside. whatever she was thinking deep down. It was a wonderful night. "¡K. I didn't want them to pretend and to hide their feelings. I was almost envious. but she did not have that attitude of curiosity. Very late at night.Okay! I'm going now. This was a feeling of acceptance that had never surfaced before. He could not understand my feelings about Lanyu. "I would not want him if he was a girl. and she had 'stooped' to marry Liu Qsing. the four of us drank and chatted." "That's normal too. She was well brought up.him harshly. Even with a cat or a dog. so I didn't hold any grudge. which he had placed on the table. And there had been heavy snow." I said tongue-in-cheek. He didn't look up and he didn't say anything. He was incoherent. meaning well. and asked me to bring Lanyu. WINTER WAS here again. I saw that his eyes were red and moist." I had given out a loan of compassion. Our . I said again: "You will be busy these few days. Just keep an eye on things for me from eight in the morning to two in the afternoon.

When I returned. back to top CHAPTER ELEVEN AUGUST. I told him I would not allow him to like anybody else. I did not give up entirely sleeping with women. Unexpectedly. while others had them removed surgically. Nobody knew us there. I told . I went to the toilet. but I felt that both of us thought it was certainly not normal. with most of them retaining their private parts. not even a glance only. he would become sultry and silent. I went to the US with a team of tradel representatives. I saw Lanyu gazing at a very handsome Singapore boy. Afterwards. He said that was too disgusting. I asked him if he wanted to get one of them to play with. Once. He was sheepish. I remember once when we went to see a show featuring sex change men. "Are you sick?" I knew Lanyu had very conservative and traditional values. We could even be real close on a main street. Even the strong urge to possess and the jealousy were invigorating. I went to bed with them not because I liked them or needed them physically. I had never thought that there could be happiness with a steady partner. I told him they were all men. and it was getting more and more serious. or I would kill him. I landed a big buyer there and I started to be in the textile business. I had not been that interested because I had very little business concerning the US. He looked at me startled and said. we were unconsciously avoiding trying to understand it. When the American asked me about 'quotas'. He asked me what was the difference between them and women. It was difficult for us to find a channel to properly understand our feelings. I could absolutely not let him find out. Besides. It was a mental need. I never discussed our relationship with him. but I was not clear as to how he viewed what he was doing now. I must be very careful and cautious. Though I had Lanyu as a steady companion. We had a very good time. If he saw me talking to a beautiful boy or girl. But I didn't complain. in a restaurant. I walked over and slapped him on the head hard. His face was very red and he didn't say anything for a long time. and I had to pamper him to cheer him up. he tried to please me the whole night.trip to the Southeast Asia was finally realized. And if I wanted to do something 'unfaithful'. Actually he was more sensitive and critical than I was. China at that time was more backwards. I had always thought it would be more fun and exciting to change sexual partners constantly. I wanted to prove that I was a normal man.

I knew he was a man of strong self-control. He stood there quite outstanding. and pressed his lips onto mine. my hands grabbing his hair. But my mind was not on it. Please let me drive properly. I deliberate moved close to him when we were getting the car and placing my luggage in the boot. "Don't. I wanted to go home alone¡K At the airport in Beijing. but his heart must be thumping too. undone casually. He saw me and waved to me¡K We were hardly out of the airport when I almost couldn't control my lust. and because I missed Lanyu. delivering my . Because I had been there before. He was very hard. kneading slowly. This was the hairstyle I wanted him to have. We quickly went into the lobby. That handsome boy at the airport for whom I had given too much. I continued to feel him. I wanted to see that body of his that made me lose control. he was mine!!¡K I again knelt on top of him. I asked: "What are you doing?" "I can't drive home!" he said looking at me. His hair was a bit long. I even brushed him with my face. We were silent in the car. Two girls were coming out with me and they all had eyes on him. He had not liked it. The moment the door closed. got ourselves a room. I reached out and placed my hand gently on his crotch. But he would always do what I liked coming to this kind of things. He was so beautiful. he was a little bit more tanned and was even more attractive. Lanyu embraced me fiercely. I started tearing at the opening where the undone buttons were. with a loose-fitting gray T-shirt without collar. I could feel his broad chest and smooth backside. He was wearing a pair of blue shorts. not caring about the belt and zipper scratching his skin and whether this would hurt him. saying it made him look like a Taiwanese. and my heart thumped. I didn't wait to see his expression. I pushed him on the bed and started to tear away his clothes. His breath started to quicken too. I held him too and kissed him¡KI reached under his clothes to feel him. I yanked at his shorts. until he could take it no longer!" I thought with excitement and insanity. He stopped the car in front of a hotel. I particularly missed him. I just wanted to strip him naked.the interpreter that it was just a small dish and the interpreter told the American it was peanuts. healthy and youthful skin and I was hot all over. He would keep his mind on driving." He said flustered. I wanted to possess him. After the summer. He gripped the steering wheel tightly. Several small buttons were on the top of the T-shirt. kissing me with fervor. looking ahead. I had thought I could stay there for a few more days and to have some fun in Las Vegas and LA. I could spot Lanyu a long way off. I could see his smooth. parting not so neatly in the center and loosely rolled down his forehead. Han-tung. the body of a fully matured man but still a little boyish. We didn't say anything anymore. "I want to torment him. I looked at him with 'that kind' of feelings in my eyes.

It hurt! It really hurt! I didn't like it at all. I didn't even apply any saliva. I'll let you try it. THE TEXTILE business was good. "Harder. I taught him to apply ample saliva on his penis. then I went on all fours as he had done. We did it real gentle this time. "Like it?" I asked him afterwards." He said. I pulled and thrust with vigor. I was really glad that he felt that way. After a while. "I've never tried that!" "Neither have I! My first time. so that his face was pressing against the sheet. Half an hour later. "I thought you wanted to kill me!" He was not happy but he was not angry either. Maybe I thrust too hard and too deep. I stopped and looked up: "You want to do it from behind?" I meant him doing anal sex to me. Giving him any gift was never too much for me. I started to lick him and to suck him. He could tolerate for me. I planned to buy a villa at 'North Suburb' as a home for Lanyu and me." I was a little sorry knowing that he had been in such pain. and said kissing him: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!¡KBut I missed you so much. Or just give it to him as a gift. we started to do it again. I crawled to his side. I felt like wanting to go to the toilet. He was so tired too he just slumped on the bed. This was the first time I had experienced being fucked. but the more painful the greater I felt¡K "Oh¡Koh! Lanyu!" I finally ejaculated in extreme excitement. But he was still looking at me with that obsessed expression¡K I let him rolled over to kneel on the bed. you have to be harder!" I was like teaching a child to do something. We sucked and masturbated each other¡KBoth of us felt real good¡KI couldn't remember how many times we did it that day. my penis felt pain. He looked at me and smiled helplessly: "It hurt too much. Never hurt so much before. My mouth was busy and my hands were caressing his body. Good. He really thrust harder and it was inside in a jiffy. why could I not? He finally ejaculated. He gagged. But I tolerated it. He was surprised. He had still not climaxed." My mind was set. I was still a little painful. I felt him trying to thrust in hesitantly. Because of the lack of lubricants. It hurt so much I broke into a sweat. I just rammed my penis hard inside. "Not as good as when you did it with your mouth and your hand. . I didn't like it though I didn't regret it.big penis into his mouth. I'd do anything as long as it made him happy. I only remembered that we were so tired and so hungry we didn't even have the strength to call room service for our meal. I just couldn't get a hold of myself." He said gasping for breath. I held him down hard. I took him in my arms.

After a while. "I have a shipment of steel. "It's nothing special. a father who was a high ranking military official. what are you doing here?" It was Tsai Ming. I saw Wang Yung-huang was gazing at Lanyu dazedly. Been too busy lately. "Not as much as you!" I laughed." "Your new recruit? You damn lucky dog!" He looked at me with amazement. I thought. Turned out Lanyu couldn't swim before. Wang was only in his early twenties but already rotten to the core. You want it? The best price possible. With these people behind him. But paying for it with what? The Americans haven't paid me for the whole shipload of cargoes. Wang Yung-huang's mind . Alone here hiding from the crowd. "Any good deal for me?" I guessed they must have been up to something looking me up. and a stinking rich older brother. he had done just about everything evil and getting away with it. As we talked. Following him was this guy who I knew was Wang Yung-huang. laughing and walking towards me. He had a grandfather who had connections reaching the top.back to top CHAPTER TWELVE ONE WEEKEND in October. That place was almost exclusive to the rich Chinese. "I want it. "Hey! Han-tung." They said as they sat down." Must have been smuggled in by armed bands. He said most people from the northwest couldn't. He saw Lanyu smiled at me and asked: "Who's that? How come I've never seen him?" "I brought him here to have fun." I tried to sound bored. "I'm the one looking for you." Said Wang Yung-huang. I had taught him. I sat on the chair at the poolside sipping a drink and watched him moving around in the water. Stuck there!" I just lied to get rid of him. This man was evil. "Oh! Just taking a rest. But now he was a great swimmer. Lanyu got out of the water. It only occurred to me now that this guy had the same hobby. He saw that I was talking to strangers and smiled at me and walked to another table. "Busying about what? Messing with girls! Look at him." I answered. I had had very little to do with him. I went swimming with Lanyu at the indoor pool of "The Maze". so it was unlike the other big hotels where foreigners would mingle and make me uncomfortable. He brushed his wet hair and shook his head and walked towards me. Lanyu went back into the water. His natural sunshine tanned skin was wet and looked oily shimmering.

Be careful. "Even he himself said that he was sick over this. You know what he is? He looks like a human being but he is not!" I was quite nasty to Lanyu. He looked bad. He was extremely grateful. He had usually been punctual. It is just not possible!" I said exasperated. parked outside or in the area reserved for relations. At eleven.was not on talking to me anymore. I helped Lanyu into the room. He had said in the afternoon that he was in the graphics room and wanted to work till seven. Later I asked Lanyu if that guy had looked him up." I just couldn't comprehend it. Lanyu almost never stayed at school now. He's in real deep." "You told him?" "I said I was in the university. Frankly. don't you know?" I laughed uneasily and didn't say anything. He said senior students were not governed so closely. Then the phone rang: "You are Han-tung? You know someone called Lanyu?" A man with thick Beijing country accent asked." Tsai Ming laughed. He said no. "What have I done?" He retorted. He must not have been in his car. It's a robbery. "What happened to him?" "He's been attacked. I couldn't afford to. His mobile was off. When I was talking with Tsai Ming. he got up and walked over to the pool. I didn't want to have a row with that bastard over this. Nothing serious." He answered lying on the bed. He drove to school everyday. "Into this too? This is his only game. "I didn't expect this too. how come this kind of thing would happen? And at eight or nine too. . A WEDNESDAY in November. "It used to be quite safe around 'China U". Quite a few students didn't live in the school." "You better not talk to his kind. He said that almost every schoolmate in his class knew he had an elder brother who was unusually generous. I was spooked. then bicycled to the classroom and dormitory. "Yung-huang is into this too?" I saw Wang Yung-huang striking up a conversation with Lanyu and asked Tsai Ming. In the massage room. I was glad that this was over just like that. I was already home but Lanyu was not. just hurt his arm. It was nine. I asked Lanyu: "Who were you talking to at the poolside just a while ago?" "Wasn't he your friend? You are asking me?" "What did he say?" "He said he was your friend and asked where I was working. real unhappy. and that he would be back at eight. I came home late because I had a business deal to discuss. I called him but there was no answer. Why was this boy making me worry so much all the time? I paid the kind driver $200. a picture of weakness. I was troubled.

He probably panicked because I had not shown my hands for several weeks. He must have had fought with the bandits. If you kept on being so hot-headed. Wang Yung-chuan chuckled slyly and hung up. several cab drivers have been murdered!" "Are you through?" He was impatient. Looking at his gleefulness. "This is too much. Because of his injury. I couldn't help kissing him on the cheek and said gently: "Remember! Money is 'shit'. Even though I didn't know the details. Besides." He looked at me and I looked at him. You know." "You are too kind. I felt that this boy who was ten years my junior was really too tender."He wanted money or the car." He smiled. My advice did not sink in at all A WEEK later." I disciplined him like he was a child. we are friends!" I didn't know what happened. so he asked his elder brother to settle it. and that boy is not my wife. ." Wang said. Lanyu told me happily: there was gain as well as loss. Two more weeks had passed when I received a letter. I only felt it had something to do with Lanyu. you know how Yung-huang is. "You're too kind! I never thought about it seriously." "¡K" "And you think too much of the money! Those people could have killed you. just give him all. Of course I won't. That was a company owned by Wang Yung-huang's elder brother Wang Yungchuen. I could guess that that bastard must have tried to hook Lanyu many times and eventually blew it with violence. Just don't bother with him. kneeling in front of the bed. Then I got a call from Wang Yung-chuen. made out by a 'Wah Tin' company. "Kiss me again.000. "That's right! The hundred thousand dollar is a token to compensate the boy for his trauma. His right hand was heavily bandaged too. I held his right arm and asked: "Still hurting?" "It's all right now. He shouldn't have hurt you. you will only get hurt yourself." I could only say that. Your life is most important. or how else would he hurt his hands? I looked at his wax-yellow face and went over. he had been exempted from taking part in two exams. I knew Yung-huang understood the rules. Inside was a check for $100. "It's not like that! I don't even know what happened!" "You trying to hold out on me too!" "I really don't know! I'm not Yung-huang. both of you. I did not ask Lanyu about it but tried to get some information from Big Sister Cheung. having to fight over a boy!" Cheung said with amazement but deep interest. He was more than ten years his brother's senior: "Han-tung. His left arm was bandaged and supported by a sling in front of his chest.

"I thought this thing was particularly revolting. because I felt I was so vulnerable and I didn't want him to realize that. Although he was not a man of many words and easy going. with extreme satisfaction. "I don't know." "You mean us?" He laughed and looked up at me. I did not mention this to Lanyu. he was extremely intelligent and sensitive. solemnly too. "Why didn't you tell me about it?" I asked. It's just that he is sick himself." I deliberately said that casually. I said I would wait for him to recover. didn't want you to know¡K I was also afraid that it would pose a difficult problem for you. "You fond of me?" This was the first time I asked my partner of this. but that was in fact not the case. He just looked at me and laughed. He just laughed and said nothing. "¡K" Lanyu didn't say anything. The first time I was so unsure of myself." He never liked to discuss hypothetically. "I believe it. when we made love. Lanyu was lying in my arms. . and generous. "Wang Yung-huang had looked you up. "Wang Yung-huang got what he wanted?" "No! That boy is really something. I never could guess why he had not told me about this. "I mean myself. I would stop him and told him not to. He also struggled out of my arms and looked at me solemnly. If there could be between opposite sexes." He said lightly." I finally asked after a pause." I said. I'm not into that!" "Yo! Then that boy's 'true love' and 'faithfulness' to you are all for nothing. "He's quite handsome. then recoup my loss." He said with his eyes diverted from me.Besides. He just did things following his feelings. He grabbed Yung-huang's knife and said let him go or kill him!" "Huh! Fuck them all!" I laughed coldly. IT WAS midnight. Because of his injury. I've never thought about it." Cheung laughed even more. masturbate him and masturbate myself. "Do you think that there is eternal love between the same sex?" I asked caressing him. "I could throw up just looking at him! I really didn't give him the come on. I could only suck him. I had to admit that Lanyu had more guts than I. then there has to be between the same sex." Lanyu's tone was desperate. right? And you lied to me that it was a robbery. "¡K" It was my turn to be silent. "Of course. Sometimes when he had wanted to perform a blow job for me. I always thought I understood Lanyu very much.

. What's the matter? Attracted. I looked at him: "It is impossible for us to get married¡KI have given you all that is possible to give¡Kyou understand?" I didn't know how to express myself fully. Not yet thirty and he has a beer belly.back to top CHAPTER THIRTEEN I BOUGHT a villa at 'North Suburb'. I was instantly drenched with soapy water from head to toe. "He is particularly good to me. His right arm splashed up a column of water. I laughed. he reacted faster than I. the instant my mouth moved. wearing the bottom of my pajamas. I had to exercise for at least two hours everyday and watching my diet to achieve this." "If I told you this was our house." Lanyu said sizing me up. huh?" I looked at him slant-eyed. somewhat proud of myself. It was a big house with five bedrooms. I opened my mouth to let go of his arm." He said seriously. Just like the water fights when I was small. Lanyu was half reclining in the oval bathtub washing himself. looking into the mirror to see if my beard was sprouting again. I walked over slowly and then chomp on his arm abruptly. "This friend of yours who is in America is really rich." "You looked so closely. two and a half bathrooms. That day we went to see the place together. I turned and glared at him. And I got hold of his arms and bit him on his face and his body. Then. two garages and one swimming pool. would you like it?" I looked at him mysteriously and with a little passion. THE FIRST time we made love in the house was in the bathroom. He laughed happily. "You look like twenty-five at the most. I let Lanyu take part in the designing and decorating. shooting straight at my face. He had been watching me smiling and on guard. then looked around: "Fuck!¡K" He was so surprised he didn't know what to say. Looking at his arms resting on the rim of the tub. I was naked from the waist up. I didn't tell him it was to be our new home. "A new researching student is leading our on site study this term. He looked at me first. "Do you think it's good?" "Quite nice! I like its overall structure. It was nighttime. He went on laughing his head off¡Kuntil there was enough biting and enough laughter. The decoration alone costs hundreds of thousand of dollars!" He said to me. Some Scandinavian flavor in it. jumped into the tub just like that and straddled him.

He said he was working on his graduation design. He smiled looking at me. It was in a field I had never been involved in before and I was very interested. But I was wrong. his thick and firm chest. Then a rare chance enabled me to try my hand in politics. I drained away all the water in the tub. then put the whole of it in my mouth and sucked. The other is later when we yield to the temptation of Satan and sin. I didn't know if two gay men could live happily ever after. I pressed my lips onto his moist and hot lips¡KI embraced his waist. "You regret having met me?" I asked again. It was at this time that I met Lin Tsung-ping. which could earn him money too. that pain should creep up silently¡K back to top CHAPTER FOURTEEN THE HOLY Bible says that we have two kinds of sins. I went to my company a few times a week and business was going quite smooth. THAT WAS our most comfortable and peaceful days. This was always my doubt. As soon as the American entered the scene. then masturbated me¡KWe once again reached the pinnacle of love. It was the nest of my emotions. A small American company wanted to make a big kill in China and they found me. Because I had money. I even thought I could go on with Lanyu just like that forever. lifting him slightly and kissed the part that was out of the water. Lanyu was looking forward to graduation and there was almost no school. I could deftly get around the problem and be in control. I never tried to think whether the love between two men could be accepted by society. I thought. I did not agree. I began to caress his body. At that time. The first was the original sin. I used to think that Lin-Tsung-ping was the Satan who tempted me. "Oh¡KOh¡K" He uttered his happiest moan. licked at his broad shoulders. I had my eyes on the . That Satan was actually myself¡K My business was going smoothly. his flat abdomen¡KI licked at his penis. I sniffed at the peculiar odor from his face. which was committed by Adam and Eve and passed on to us. I was extremely turned on.He was still laughing like that and nodded. Just hope it came from his heart. too peaceful. ""I don't regret it!" He said with ease. Maybe because our days were too happy. I was planning to invest in a new project. It was during a negotiation with an American businessman. Some say they could never last more than one year. because I had lived happily with a boy for almost four years. which was all the more smooth in the water. and shook his head.

her hair tucked away high and neatly behind her head with the natural curves cascading down. I held her hand lightly: "I must thank Miss Lin too for making this meeting so smooth. She just said thanks a little shyly. I was glad that I had this chance. THE SECOND time I met Lin Tsung-ping was again at my company. She was not wearing any jewel except a pair of cute square earrings. You speak very good English. All through our discussion. The bridge of her nose was high and delicate and her lips were red and full. but no good look.Oriental girl by his side. The shape of her face was a little like a westerner. when you want to talk with them. I TOLD Lanyu about it at night when I had returned home. She always smiled sweetly when she talked. "Women are all a little hypocritical. He just smiled and didn't say anything. "Wow! What a beauty! I must get her!" I had this beautiful thought. Can't even get girls!" "And you still want to get them?" Lanyu asked laughing. The features on her face were extremely beautiful. She was wearing a sapphire blue suit. the American was earnest and easy going. I had noticed that whenever she looked at me." I complimented courteously. She was still dressed in sharp colors but there was a certain style about . " 'We are too old! It's not important anymore!' Just unable to do it!' I tried an accent that was mixing south and north as I got upstairs. and she never tried to avoid my eyes. I couldn't be sure she was Chinese at first. But this time it was in my office. long and narrow with a modern look. Her boss had to go back to the States and there were a few details she had to discuss with me face to face. The color of her eyes was lighter than those of the average Chinese. giving the impression of being serious and responsible while at the same time graceful and sure of himself. "Can't you feel anything about girls?" I asked." "Ha! Who said that?" I thought that was funny. The fact was I couldn't tell whether her English was good or not. also sapphire blue. they have only books. "We have female students! We also have this limerick:: Girls at 'China U' are good. You tech people are so inept. Before leaving. "During the four years in the university. accentuating her fair face. I heard Lanyu laughing aloud. and looked as if shrouded by mist." "It's lucky I was not in the technology field. Right from the beginning. no female student have come after you? Handsome as you are?" I taunted him. "It's written on the desk. her eyes were soft but graceful." He said. a clear brown. This part she did not translate to the American.

And it surprised me. She told me she had graduated from 'Fifth Foreign' four years ago. IT WAS a weekend evening. We usually dated in the evenings and went home late. I was very excited and proud. She had a great body.her I couldn't define. I decided at the spur of the moment to ask Lin Tsung-ping along.' I turned off the light. When the automated door opened to both sides. then: "Sure!" She accepted directly. A simple sleeveless light-gray evening gown hugged her body tightly. I had Liu Qsing to cover for me so Lanyu never caught on. working as an interpreter after that. My vanity was sufficiently satisfied---the kind of satisfaction Lanyu could never give me. She hesitated for a moment. she was just the right height for me. She was from the south. she would meet my eyes for a few seconds. I PICKED the French restaurant at 'Tien Huo'. corresponding with her black square earrings. He was the number-two man in the financial sector. almost all the males in the restaurant. seemingly casually. She was dazzling. I was a little restless¡K The moment she entered. IT WAS almost midnight when I returned to 'Scandinavia' (the new home of Lanyu and I). then looked away unhurriedly. though we were never up to any hanky panky. "Such a rare breed!" I thought. I felt the world brightened.7 meters. She was so open and graceful. regardless of their age and race. her father being a highranking cadre and her mother a typist. Go to sleep. I DATED Lin Tsung-ping twice after that. "To show my appreciation for Miss Lin's help. "Couldn't sleep. Lanyu was not in bed and was reading a newspaper. were attracted by her. "No complain. "How come you're not in bed?" I asked. I went to 'Chan's' home through a friend to visit 'Chan'. "How's your business going?" He was less and less interested in my business and asked just for the sake of asking. can I treat you dinner?" I said lightly and quite casually. Her hair was tied up on top of her head. She agreed gladly. She truly had a . When I looked at her courteously and with 'deep emotions' in my eyes. On her left shoulder hung a black handbag. To make the visit more smoothly. That visit was a great success and Lin Tsung-ping got half of the credit. When I reached out and took her waist gently and led her into the restaurant. with a few strands cascading down. I watched her consumed her meal with amazing grace and heard her talk with softness. Her natural grace intrigued me. At around 1. I chatted with Lin Tsung-ping until quite late that day. We had a pleasant talk." He yawned. She was prompt.

He was observant and sensitive. especially a beautiful woman." He answered languidly. But I'm hungry though." "I'm single and I have never married. He rolled over and lay on his back. Lanyu was on his stomach. Lanyu was watching a video when I went in. . "Tomorrow is Sunday." She smiled sweetly. "No! I want it!" I tried to be coy myself. his thick. His eyes were closed. "¡K" He didn't say anything. his straight nose. switching on the nightlight. I finished my bath and came out of the bathroom. "You seem to be particularly busy lately?" He asked. at least to me at the time. I'm scared. I'm afraid that I would be in too deep. "I have to wash up and go to sleep!" I didn't want to say too much. "I must thank you properly today!" I said when we had left 'Chan's' house. He did not acknowledge me. do you have a wife?" I was surprised that she should ask this. frank and without any trace of playacting. He went to bed first. "Han-tung!" She left my lips and cried. I pressed down on him. Under the dim light. his lashes¡KHe must have had not really fallen into a deep sleep. His face was so calm. "Still watching TV at this hour? You don't have to go to school tomorrow?" I said because I needed to say something. "Sleep!" He deliberately made out like he was very serious to taunt me. Want to see my home registration passbook?" She laughed shyly: "You know.conquering charisma. "And all for nothing. the long lashes down¡KI couldn't help moving over to kiss lightly his eyes. Han Tung. I laughed: "Why did you think I have?" "A woman's instinct. his sexy lips were particularly handsome and elegant. It's such a damned nuisance!" I hated his suspecting tone. black brow. It would hurt myself and hurt you!" Women seldom tell about their thoughts about an affair so actively. "Yes?" "Tell me. I was very excited and she was in the mood too. He was awakened by my kisses quickly. Then I drove to 'Scandinavia'. "Good! What do you have in mind?" "How about dinner for starters?" "That's not enough. showing a girlish coyness for the first time. his head averted to one side. She seemed so innocent and lovely. I kissed her in the car that night. IT WAS pass one o'clock when I took Lin Tsung-ping home.

I put my arm around her waist. I never once called Lin Tsung-ping on the phone. "I'm just afraid that you can do without me. I felt as though my heart was abruptly lifted up and then put back down gently. Women were at their best at this age. have you?" "So what if I have? You can't do without me. She just asked me how I was doing. we could still not reveal it in public. But still. But between Lanyu and me. I went to bed with Lin Tsung-ping."You want it? And you come home so late? No!" "I've been busy!" I said coy as a girl. That night. I had said 'no' because of Lanyu. Lin Tsung-ping wanted some fresh air. My eyes suddenly felt acid. I decided to fuck her. I could still act sufficiently passionate. I had said 'no' to myself numerous times before that. Needless to say. She was more matured than Lanyu. Lin Tsung-ping was already twenty-five." His smile froze. back to top CHAPTER FIFTEEN IT WAS an unofficial cocktail party given by the officials. We were like a couple deeply in love. A lot of people I knew were there. that melancholic look that obsessed me surfaced again in his eyes. it was another successful and proud evening. I had asked Lin Tsung-ping to accompany me. took the chance to express my love for her. In the phone. No matter how much I loved her. chatted a little and then hung up. "You haven't been messing around outside. I just hadn't wanted to be unfaithful to him. "You are so narrow-minded!" I was still on top of him. so we went out onto the streets of Beijing. We liked to change roles to taunt each other. Afterwards. I didn't know if I was touched or was a little guilty. He looked at me. "How could that happen?" I said and buried my head on his body kissing him. DURING THE following two months. I took Lin Tsung-ping to 'Hsiang Kuo'. The waiter brought champagne. even if just a little. . even though our love was overflowing. We chatted in the sitting room first. her voice was extremely soft and peaceful. There was no moral or legal binding between us. We drank to our 'friendship'¡KOut of a man's lust for conquer. Then both of us burst out laughing. I FINALLY had sex with Lin Tsung-ping." I laughed. She called twice though.

We kissed for a long time. my member rammed home with one stroke." She was still laughing. "I feel very foolish!" She said laughing. "You are the most intelligent girl I've ever met. I did¡K" Lin Tsung-ping suddenly turned and sealed my mouth with her lips. especially after my father died. I really needed her for my life and my career." She said and turned to lean back into my arms. looking at me with tenderness in her eyes. She was not her elegant and confident self. when doing it with a woman. Then I raised her legs. specializing . shiny hair and let it rolled on the bed. And Lanyu? Just 'keep' him? Maintain the present relationship with him? He may not agree. this girl from an average southern family. all you needed to say was that: go away. eyes looking ahead: "And if someday when you were not fond of her anymore. No matter how I looked at it. I met Dr. happy¡K "Han-tung!¡KNo!¡KDon't! Oh! God!" She cried out of control and almost wept. He was a professor of psychology. Then I undressed her slowly. I don't care. but actually they were inevitable. "This must be the hundredth time you say that to a woman." She said laughing as her face flushed with shyness. Lin Tsung-ping. holding one of my hands and caressed it gently. "As a matter of fact. MY MIND started to be occupied by one important question: should I get married? Mom had prompted me many times over this. She was just submissive and shy. stopping me from going on. I grabbed her breasts with both hands and kneaded them as much as I wanted to. ¡K I finally climaxed. Tsung-ping lay in my arms. Watching Lin Tsung-ping lifted to the crest of orgasm again and again by me. Women must be caressed after sex to achieve the ultimate satisfaction. she herself was a woman who could handle the high society as well as the inside of a home." I complimented her. I'm tired of you. I could last a long time without ejaculating. she should be fit to be my wife. Everything happened as if by coincidence. Sze. But the whole process was not as excited as I had imagined. I was excited. I had to be touched. Strangely. All you need to do is to know that a girl called Lin Tsung-ping loves you. Even though her background was plain. She kissed me and looked at me: "Han-tung. She let down her jet black. I couldn't wait. you don't have to tell me about your past. I felt a kind of invisible pressure. until I was impatient. I took her in my arms and carried her to the bed. putting her down gently. or even about the present. Just get rid of him? I couldn't do it. and she again buried her head in my arms.

I listened impatiently.in the study of homosexuality. "After the day I met you. and marriage shouldn't be a problem. They no longer think this is sick." What he had said shocked me. Sometimes a person would have the wrong impression. It was Lanyu who had a problem. "Lanyu. "What do you mean?" He glanced at me with uncertainty as he drove. so we had to eat out. "I've read some new materials from abroad." I tried to coin phrases awkwardly. "Ha! Are you saying that both of us are mentally disturbed?" He laughed vigorously. the requirements of staying on in Beijing." "Materials from abroad? Huh! There are also X-rated movies from abroad! And sexual liberation too!" I countered. It's you! At least I'm willing to make love to a woman. I must tell Lanyu about this 'important scientific discovery' of mine. Just like your¡KA situation like ours is a kind of 'sexual misidentification'. After four long hours of conversation. he talked about the arrangements in the university. He was the first 'specialist' on homosexuality I had ever met. BOTH LANYU and I couldn't cook. the professor had this diagnosis: I was a perfectly normal man. I 'd begun to notice articles about this. it's just a¡K I can't remember what they call it. have you ever thought of our future?" I started to ask him. "That was a medical report. That day. . It was also the first time I had some 'knowledge' about homosexuality. but some prefer men. the dean. "Don't you feel that it is not proper for two men staying together?" "¡K" "It is actually a mental state. when we came out of a restaurant and were on our way home. quite serious!" "I think this is a matter of mental state. with just a little homosexual tendency. but I had to do it. like a parrot learning to talk. I told him I could get his Beijing residency permit ready immediately. I had always thought he never thought about this kind of thing. It meant that some men prefer women. What about you?" "I've never tried it. and the designing college he had mentioned before. It would be difficult. All I had to do was to get out of the relationship with the boy." I insisted though I was not able to convince him. He suspected that Lanyu was suffering from manic depression and promised that he would treat him to help me rid of him." He sounded weak. the teacher's office. and to convince him that he should accept the therapy. It's just a difference of choice. He talked about their student administration. "When did you read it?" I asked. "I'm not.

"Hey!" I stopped him. But before going to bed. What about when you were thirty. he came in and made for the stairs without saying anything." I had forgotten that I was not the same with him coming to that."Have you ever been fond of girls? You don't even like 'Playboy' magazine. Maybe he had agreed reluctantly. "I will not go!" he was very firm. You will feel the pressure when the time comes. "You will at least get married in the future. "what have you done today?" I meant about the therapy. "I only like you!" We didn't say anything more until we were back home." "¡K" "You actually think you are a girl!" "I do not!!" He seemed insulted and countered harshly. That's your way of seeing things!" I said with exasperation." "I don't care! And nobody cares about this in my family! I won't have any pressure. he asked: "Do you want a separation?" "You just can't tell good from bad. he went upstairs and went into the bedroom. I told him about professor Sze and asked him to receive therapy. "¡K" Seeing that he was silent. That day he came back from Dr. will you want a child of your own? A man has the responsibility of passing on his genes. Lanyu was irritable after that for a long time. Sze. sometimes even staying at school. Although he didn't say it." I must have got him where it hurt. "Talk. This is good for you!" "I will not get married!" "Will not get married? You are only twenty now. forty? How are you going to stay in this society?" I thought more and more of myself as an expert. But I still wanted to discuss the same topic. then asked. "Drive carefully!" I paused for a moment." He said. I went on: "Besides. After a long while. He started to come home very late. "Then why do you like men?" He didn't answer. He didn't say anything after that. extremely impatient. Then I remembered something else: "Didn't your mother wished you to be a proper man? You should at least try. . "What else?" "Just try it yourself if you're interested!" with that. Looked at pictures and let me think. his hands on the steering wheel trembling a little. I knew he was angry with me about this therapy thing. he said quietly.

But he came eventually. He looked moody and listless. but he insisted on giving me some more suggestion. So what did that make me? I also thought about his theory about Lanyu thinking about himself as a girl. I told him to come to my office. he woke me up by talking in his sleep. because I wanted to play billiard at night. This went on for several nights. and at the same time give him some stimulation. "No! You can't do that!" I could not accept injecting drug to an otherwise healthy person. According to this line of thinking. I turned again and again in my head the professor's 'scientific explanations'. wanted to sleep at home. I remembered the first time I had talked to him. "Such as a mild electric shock¡K" "No! Absolutely not!" I refused in no uncertain terms. to make him produce a kind of painful conditional reflex to this kind of thing. I shook him. This will help him¡K" The doctor went on and on with his theories. I didn't know whether professor Sze had a strong opinion that homosexuality was harmful to the society or that he was just guilty about the quite generous consultation fees I had paid him. I asked him how he felt about the therapy. He masturbated and sucked me. let him see some photos of naked men. . He said Lanyu was not only mentally sick sexually. that just proved that I was not serious about life and therefore not a real homosexual. even of you. It was true that Lanyu loved me a little like a woman. "There are some other ways. For example. but he was not the least in the mood. but was suffering from serious depression and manic obsession "The first stage of therapy is not satisfactory." "What kind of stimulation?" I asked. He told me that Lanyu was absolutely uncooperative in the therapy. called his name. I told him I was just after a new kick. these were absolutely not exclusive to a woman. then said he was not feeling well. stubborn and even brave quality.At night. I think I can try injecting him with hormones in the next stage. and he was calm again and went back to sleep. he had asked me whether I was just after some new kicks or I actually loved the boy. and I would have to fall in love with them to qualify as a heterosexual. I had climaxed. He at first said he was too busy to get away. But I would hear no more. He was sensitive. In the middle of the night. independent. But on the other hand. observant. He was in a bad mood. I wanted to make love with him. He said he felt nothing. He said that was all right. I would be not serious about life too when I did it with the girls. even a little gaunt. I decided to call Lanyu. But I haven't yet been in love with a woman. I could see even more of his proud. I called professor Sze and asked him about Lanyu. He didn't even have an appetite.

and Lin Tsung-ping insisted on seeing me off at the airport. "My appointment is for the day after tomorrow. holding on to me for dear life and kissing me. Just don't go anymore. The bright. "Why?' He asked. I WENT to a jade stone shop in Hong Kong to make a chain for that piece of stone. Tsung-ping's intention was touching. breaking into a smile slowly." I said with my voice lowered. with a little red tint resembling the shape of a heart in the center. It is said that it has the effect of warding off evil and avoiding disaster. He seemed even more besotted with me. I see that you've been suffering." She told me gently. "You going to professor Sze tomorrow?" I asked. "You crazy or something? You are in my office. "You should be careful when you go out and when driving in Hong Kong. then looked up at me: "This is a piece of jade stone. looking at me." He looked at me. I want you to carry it. On the backside was carved elegantly a tiny word 'Lin". back to top CHAPTER SIXTEEN I HAD to go to Hong Kong and Hainan unexpectedly. okay?" I asked looking him in his eyes. "Thank you!" I looked at her misty eyes and gave her a tight hug. puzzled. With or without the effect of avoiding disaster. But this worried me even more."Where're we going?" He came into my office and planted himself on the couch in my office and asked. I go there quite often. "There is no why. and has been blessed by a high monk. "I know!" She lowered her head and fished out an intricate little box from her pocket." She said as she handed it to me. THAT RIDICULOUS therapy ended just like that. then suddenly shot up from the couch and was on me in a flash. stopping him laughingly. That was quite a beautiful piece of green jade stone. "Where do you want to go?" I asked. frowning slightly. shining smile returned to Lanyu's face. "Anywhere you like!" he lounged on the couch. Rather rare. oblong in shape. "No problem. The owner of that shop told me it was a very valuable piece of ." I laughed." "Don't go anymore.

the old woman would surely be delirious with joy. She made two dishes and one bowl of soup in just over half an hour. This woman had class and she knew how to do the right things. matching a pair of ultra short jeans. I called Lanyu to tell him that I would be back in a week. I went back to Beijing from Hainan that same day." "Really? I must find the chance to ask her to teach me!" She laughed sweetly. "Your mother cook at home?" She asked again. better than those at the hotel. I WENT back to 'Scandinavia' one week later. but she gave me a piece of jade stone like this. I thought if I brought her home and showed her to my mom. Her 'juliene in Beijing sauce' is simply the greatest. I told Lin Tsung-ping that I wanted to take her to the hotel. "I want to get married. The third night there. real business-like. valued at US$3. I had never given her any expensive present. I must marry her. TEN DAYS later. My mother only does what she does best. She laughed and watched my rather vulgar way of eating: "Like my cooking?" "Delicious!' It really tasted good." I said. "What is it?" He looked at me alarmed. She was wearing a body-hugging white T-shirt with a deep cut collar. I dragged Lin Tsung-ping outside to eat. It reminded me of Liu Qsing's evaluation of Lin Tsung-ping: she was a woman a man couldn't refuse. just looked at me¡KGod! Those eyes I knew so . Lanyu was reading something in his study when I walked in quietly. Actually. I was wearing that piece of jade stone when I saw Lin Tsung-ping waiting for me outside. I must make it plain to Lanyu. She asked me if there was any place other than the hotel. Lanyu complained that I hadn't told him about it beforehand. alluring legs. On the way. He didn't say anything. The overall impression was so young and vibrant. I already have the right girl. That would be more delicious. This was the best solace a son could offer his mother.emerald. "Most of the cooking is done by the maid. At the airport. He heard my footsteps and turned: "What are you doing? You frightened me!" "I have something important to say to you!" I was straight-faced and my voice was low-pitched. My things and Lanyu's things had all been moved to 'Scandinavia'.000 at least. So we decided to go to 'Temporary Village'. She was versatile in bed and intelligent and gentle at home. exposing a lot of her full breasts and slender. only the furniture and electrical appliances and the sort were left. She said why not buy materials home and do the cooking ourselves.

We did great this time around. I laughed bitterly too. refusing to let the tears shed. After a long while. but with bitterness. "What?" I asked. and looking at me. a few years back. I knew this was the reason. We both laughed looking at each other. I felt so bad! Tears swelled out of my eyes.." I was pale and weak. I had told him I didn't want him anymore and that I was tired of him as a plaything. He was never a crybaby. he sat up and leaned on the bedstead. "When you forced me to undergo therapy. licking at me with movements he so accustomed too. We were in the mood and were great partners¡K Afterwards." His eyes were still brimming with tears. We just laughed like that. I seized him in my arms. I just wanted to look at his face. No matter how Lanyu sucked me. "This will happen sooner or later. Deep into the night.well. it remained the same. Those were the same eyes as when. We did not need to make love. He motioned me to stop it. He pressed me onto the carpet gently. I leaned against him with my head nestling on his body. He was even worse off. he turned to look at me and grimaced. His lips trembled violently. My member was leaning there half-limp. blowing our noses¡K We embraced again. "I thought you wanted a thorough separation!" "No way. we began to make love on the bed again. like I was taking an oath. We did that unhurriedly. "I didn't want this! I had no choice!¡K" I said and kissed him with lips that were trembling and tearful just as his were¡K He opened his lips gently. . He laughed. "It's better than I imagined!" He said. looking at me so helplessly. You should realize¡K "¡K" Silence. turned to take the tissue box on the desk. sniffed once.. I had to lower my head. At least I didn't. Lanyu's eyes were filled with tears. I pressed him onto the floor too and sucked him just the same. Then he looked away. I was looking at him the whole time. his lips quivering. Everything will be the same as before! Nothing will change!" I looked up and said firmly. The shock and helplessness in those eyes! My nose was acid again. Lanyu removed my clothes for me and I his for him. He lowered his head again. his tongue snaking out to lick at my lips and tears streamed down my face¡K He stopped. I just needed the security of possessing him. God! The same kind of silence! I couldn't stand it! "We can go on just like this if you wish! The only difference will be that I had a wife. then fished out from under his body an eraser he had used in his drawing awkwardly. I could see that he was trying hard to suppress his feelings. took a stack for himself and a stack for me. unable to concentrate between my legs. But I could not feel secure.

Now you have to have the overseas Chinese certificate to be allowed to go abroad." "It's that hot?" "In the '82 Biology Section' in our school. especially the Chinese violin. we could make up every time. He must be unhappy again. We just fought over trivia. She was not happy with Lin's plain background at first. It's easy. he preferred folk music. Every time we came to this kind of explosive confrontation. maybe there should be a shower of rain¡Kit is I who love you most. I went out with Lanyu and saw there were a lot of people standing in line outside the gate of 'Tien U'. I thought I would get along with Lanyu just as calmly and happily as before. I heard the stereo playing a pop song. "I don't want to go anywhere. a whole class has left" "You want to go abroad?" I asked. Looking at my mother's happy face. "What's that?" "Probably people applying to take the Toefl exam. But that was not the case. I can arrange it for you. Even my two sisters said she was all right." "If you really want to go. It was always Lanyu who took the initiative to a truce. Fights became part of our lives. he would laugh and then say something nice. Both of us were not happy. That was a song that I was not familiar with too." He was silent. I could only remember the lyrics: Dearest. don't talk about leaving¡Kmaybe there should be a gust of wind. I thought wryly: Lanyu should be the ideal candidate. One day. She had hoped that I would find a child from a family similar to ours. "Doctor Sze was right! You are an obsessive paranoid maniac. "I can't. Lanyu never liked pops. We didn't fight over anything concerning principles. The moment Lin Tsung-ping stepped into our house. Her warm. not even my wedding.back to top CHAPTER SEVENTEEN I TOLD my mother about Lin Tsung-ping. humble and courteous behavior won my mother over. or at least from intellectual parents. I can get you a business trip visa. I knew that everything was okay." I retorted nastily. I left him alone. You can go with the business team. I just like Beijing!" He sounded challenging. And architecture is not hot enough. That day when I went back to 'Scandinavia'. Fortunately. I was greatly relieved. how could you be so cruel as . You could switch to be a student once you were in America.

then his eyes slowly filled with rage: "You've had enough fun. "You can't drive like this! It's too dangerous!" I was desperate. He braked abruptly¡KIn the silence. "You will definitely be interested. "Are we going to see Wang Yung-huang?¡K You son-of-a-bitch!!" He yelled and got up and rushed out of the restaurant. I hung on to him for dear life. Then I found out that Lanyu was also not staying at 'Scandinavia' everyday. He held the steering wheel with both hands. head lowered. I seemed to detect a sob. He was silent on the way. grabbing his arm tightly through the open window. "They're players in this too." He looked at me puzzled. smiling mysteriously. It was a man's suppressed weeping." He was not so submissive as before. I could hear him panting tremblingly. he would just stay at the school. I hate them. to make you feel better. You call a cab yourself!" He yelled at me. Except when I went back. Several people stopped at a distance to watch¡K I drove slowly back to 'Scandinavia'. They are the same as us. He paid me no heed. I jumped up and rushed out after him. He looked at me doubtfully first. "I did not mean that at all! How could I do that! I just want you to meet more friends in the circle. and the car was dragging me along. "Off. I told him I was going to take him to meet a few friends. opened the door and climbed in. We went into the house quietly. You want to pass me on to somebody else. One day in August." I explained. He stepped on the gas¡K "I'm a son-of-a-bitch! I'm a fucking animal! All right! Please stop! You can't drive to your death!" I was half-weeping." I explained. just when I needed you most. a wedding date had not been set and arrangements had not been made too. But in fact I was at 'Temporary Village' with Lin Tsung-ping. "I don't want to meet your friends. He made straight for the car. after dinner.to make me sad. I sat on the couch. Although I had proposed to Lin Tsung-ping. I was hoping that I would settle this thing between Lanyu and me first. He liked to stay in that room lately with or . I just told Lanyu that I went back to my mother. just wriggled his arm free and started the car¡K "Stop! I beg you! You want to kill yourself?" I hung on to his arm and yelled. you left without saying a word¡K I BEGAN to deliberate cut down on the times I went back to 'Scandinavia'. also suppressing my sobbing. right?" I couldn't catch what he meant momentarily. Subconsciously. probably wanted to go into his study. He went upstairs. ran to his side.

" He said coldly. They are your property now. "If you don't like this unit.without working. I rarely go to that kind of place." Telling about this. All ordinary people. I put my arm around him. He sunk more deeply into my arms as I continued: "Ah. "A lot in fact. you can go to work for a foreign enterprise. You must not go too. He moved closer. "You should have told me¡KWhat unit?" I had been so busy at my business. . I have finished the transfer papers of this house and the car. I felt a kind of painful helplessness. I have a friend who is the manager for the Chinese side in a joint-venture construction company. "You think we are the only two people who are like this in the whole of Beijing?" He laughed lightly." I emphasized the word 'ordinary'. Seemed the police had raided these places and made arrests. you can sell it and start a business. "I have signed a five-year contract. I never go to places like that. "Can you sit with me for a while?" I said gently." I wanted him to sit closer. "You know a place in Beijing called 'One Two Three'"? A lot of people like us go there. "'City Ninth Company'" It was a construction company formerly operated by the military. He hesitated. "Hey! Lanyu!" I called after him." "Humph! You trust money so much!" He seemed to be mocking me. He lowered his head in my arms. "How come you never mentioned it before?" He was shocked but seemed quite interested. The thought about him with other men was like a punch to me." "It doesn't matter. my dream of politics and being hounded by Lin Tsung-ping. Working would not be his goal. "How about the arrangements in the school?" It was a long time since I had asked about his affairs. Must be careful. yes. Aren't everyone going into business nowadays?" He was still silent. then came back down and sat beside me on the couch. I had to find something else to say. He turned to look at me. If you don't like the house. I had almost heard nothing from him and asked him nothing. I went on: "I've heard that there is also a park and some public toilets are places to play this game too. "I started working a long time ago. You will never know if you didn't step into that circle. I had to change the subject. Just pay them some money and you can leave." I felt really bad when I was saying this. You can find all sorts there. "I was afraid you would be unhappy. but his body was stiff and uncompromising. He had told me he wanted to go to the Academy of Designing." I said. It's dangerous. He did not object." I lied again. "Sit here.

"You must drive carefully from now on. Usually. are you? You can do it any way you want! I didn't mean it¡K" ¡KI just let my tears rolled out in silence¡K back to top CHAPTER EIGHTEEN MY MOTHER had suggested that Lin Tsung-ping and I should marry on the first of October. I kissed him all over nonstop. But I was too ashamed to open my mouth. When we were walking out of the door. "Turn over. I had Lanyu come to 'Temporary' village to pick me up. I was busy taking Lin Tsung-ping socializing in my business circle. Lanyu was staying at the dormitory of his company. I sucked him. bought her a two carat diamond ring." LANYU STILL made love with me that night. That day. I looked at his face and his eyes. like he was begging me: "Han-tung. 'Scandinavia' had become a place of rendezvous for Lanyu and me. "Any more orders? You are so thorough when you are trying to get rid of a lover!" He went back upstairs without waiting for me to respond. I did not agree. and I was limp. Everybody knew that I was going to get married. "I have to take a bath and go to bed. I felt that I was not ready. I had already bought a five-room apartment in 'Movement Village' and had it decorated for our wedding. He ejaculated. looking very sweet. He got up and wanted to perform fellatio on me. You must care about your life¡K" He got up from the couch abruptly and stood in front of me. He also said casually. dozens of suits and countless cosmetics and things¡KBut I still felt I was not ready. saying that it was more convenient for him to go to work. I wanted to tell him something from my heart:: I want him. But there was still the contempt and coldness. I felt Lanyu starting to kiss my body¡KHe stopped and said softly. I went there even less. you're not angry. I would rendezvous with Lanyu three times a week. I had gone to Hong Kong with Lin Tsungping. You must absolutely not drive under the circumstance like that of today. Did I hate him? He didn't do anything wrong¡K I turned off the light and lay down on my back¡KIn the darkness. I want that game.' I meant I wanted anal sex. He lay down on his stomach and said flatly. "You should pay extra for this!" My mood left me abruptly at that. I was high. Lin Tsung-ping came back unexpectedly and . They seemed to envy me. He laughed.

But I think she knows. "Han-tung! You can't keep this thing under wraps. She wanted to go. First it was Lin Tsung-ping who told me that her boss had given her a chance to undergo training in America. "Watching you finished your schooling." He sounded difficult.they met. They were intelligent people. They must have had some kind of gut feeling. If this went out." She almost lost her voice weeping. The moment I walked in and saw my mother's blood-shot eyes and her look of despair. Not surprisingly. I told her we were getting married." Then she bawled hysterically. both of them had never asked me about the other. But now you have done this thing so lowdown. I was so mad I had a fight with the teacher. watching you despised and spit on would be a fate worse than death! Huh? I'm so scared. went into business. my mother ordered me home before ten o'clock in the morning. "Who told you this? There really is no such thing." I was pissed off. I felt extremely bad and I had nothing to say. When you were a child and was in the daycare center. "Tung. If you don't leave that boy and drag on with Lin. It was rather embarrassing. . "You're not a friend. Then Tsungping and Lanyu both excused themselves quickly and left. Then Liu Qsing told me that my mother had called him the previous night to ask him about Lanyu. Must be someone trying to hurt me." I tried to lie my way out. "Since the day I was carrying you. And as a mother. "How should I know? She seemed to know a lot." I owed her a little really. It was the first time she addressed me so harshly. Those were the days when everything did not run smoothly. Afterwards. I felt extremely guilty." "Fuck!" I felt helpless. especially for Lanyu. "How did she find out?" I was shocked. She said. it would be a fate worse than death for him." "Does Tsung-ping know?" I asked. I had done my best to protect you. If he was here today and found out about this." My mother cried even more. You know that. how could you face people? Huh? "Even if you were raising a pet. you would feel very bad if you had to watch it suffer. we were so happy. you can't be so shameless! You are not human!" My mother said crying. I just couldn't lie to our mom with eyes open wide. the old woman would find out sooner or later. and has now become the director of 'City Commerce' and well respected. "I can't be sure. "You have kept this from us for so many years! It's fortunate that your father died early." "You admitted it?" "I did not admit but I did not deny it either. "I'm afraid this has to wait. We were so proud when you grew up and were getting better everyday and studying well. I found out that you had been bullied.

but the trees were all stripped of leaves. My interest is in horseracing now. I remained silent for a moment. Not for the sake of my mother too. how could I stand it? Looking at my mother's blood-shot eyes. Lin Tsung-ping also knew about Lanyu. THE WEATHER forecast warned that there would be strong winds during the night and temperature would drop. Nobody takes it seriously. She finally began smiling again. the rich all play this kind of game and competing. My mother believed me. It was for myself. the more I missed him. a gusty wind raged all night long." My mother seemed to be convinced. Then he turned and the blanket was pushed to one side. but she pretended otherwise. his shorts were flung to only God knew where. You remember Tsai Ming? He plays this game from time to time. I was tired of this a long time ago. When I was with him. I stood in front of the bed and studied his face for a long time. It's more or less the same thing. When I got up in the morning. I WAS thinking of how to have a showdown with Lanyu and end our relationship once and for all. She stopped crying and looked at me. I went over and pulled the blanket back in place for him." I was watching him and thinking like this while I waited for him to wake up¡K He woke up. Lanyu was still in bed sleeping. I felt that Lanyu and his love and my feelings were nothing. "You've got it all wrong. Nothing else. Then he looked at me like he was trying to seduce me. exposing his naked body. Just having meals together and chatting." I was lying to my teeth. He had said he could go to work later than usual today. You don't realize that nowadays.My eyes were moist and my heart felt like being punched. I had found that I could not keep just a sexual relationship with Lanyu. "Actually China has been having this homosexual game since the ancient time. like I had with other boys. He liked to sleep on his stomach with his face averted to one side. Seeing my mother so miserable because of me. the sky was clear and the sunshine was bright. "Is it just his body I want? Just to satisfy my sexual desire? What would I lose if I parted with him? I¡K. The rich treat this as a hobby. How come he was such an idiot? . This was entirely not for the sake of Lin Tsung-ping. Just so that mom could stop hurting. He must have been thinking that I wanted to make love to him again. The less we met. He smiled when he realized that I had been looking at him. I like horses. Sure enough. It was a sad kind of beauty. They just get a boy to go the rounds. I told her I would wed Lin Tsung-ping next month. After the sexual session last night. I would be drawn into the vortex of feelings. trying to outdo each other. I was a man too.

took my hand." I had to find a good and proper reason of breaking up. Lanyu did not go out. You never listen to me now. I could not tolerate his insolence. I have to face a lot of things¡KI have my career. "Who are you calling a whore? You are a whore! A male whore!" He didn't say anything. Lanyu was never picky about food. I can't go on hurting you!" I began shamelessly. He was silent for a few seconds. I won't cling on to you!" he was cold and firm."Get dressed!" I said as I left the bedroom. "I'm not living in a vacuum. You wanted me to go out to mess with someone else." He seemed dull and not his usual sensitive self. You wanted to go on just like this with me and I have agreed. How come he would react like this? "These are all for your own good! And you can't tell the difference!" "Humph! All this is because of that whore?" He looked at me with disdain. "I know you've been hating me. The place was like a hotel for lovers. got up and headed for the front door.. I was furious. I let go of him. We were silent for a long time. "What's the matter with you?" He asked without stopping his eating. lit one. saying nothing. The refrigerator was almost empty except for some crackers and coke. Lanyu reached out. then he put down his drink. I didn't know where to begin. He ripped open a can of coke and took some crackers for breakfast. I was lost! I never dreamed that he would react this way. I looked at him. "I'm really sorry that I have led you onto this road. He just sat there on the couch. well. He glanced at me. can you?" I was incoherent. "I'm not through!" I said. "What do you mean I don't listen to you? You said therapy and I went to undergo therapy. I had to steady it with my left." I said again firmly. I found that my right hand holding the cigarette was trembling slightly. I took the pack of cigarette from the coffee table. He got dressed and washed up and went into the kitchen to find something to eat. aren't you? Humph! There are always greener pastures out there. He was very calm. we looked at each other. I'm nothing to you. I did not want to discuss separation when he was naked. But I held on. "I'm not a homosexual. There was a slight smile on his face: . "You just want us to part for good. I am very sorry!" "I never hated you. I have thought this out. He turned and sat down on the couch. "What are you going to do?" "Don't touch me!" He said with disgust and tried to fling my hands off. my mother¡KI'm afraid to stay on with you¡KYou can't ruin me. I need to lead a normal life. I grabbed hold of him. "Don't fool me. I'm trying!" I looked at him shocked.

extravagant and proud. his head lowered even more¡K That day. We were parting with smiles. I still remember what you have told me: 'One has to be willing oneself to play this game. It was crowded. You must go to the hospital if you have a fever. looked and looked¡Khis sad eyes were brimming with tears. The wedding was at the banquet room of 'Capitol'. Despite that. I turned and walked out the door¡K We were separated 'for good' just like that¡K back to top CHAPTER NINTEEN FEELING LOST! A kind of feeling of lost that I had never experienced before. "If you have a 'friend'. like a woman. You must go to the doctor when you are sick. listened to me: "You must take care of yourself. Tsung-ping and I munched together at an apple and candies hanging down. cried before him¡K "Han-tung! Don't be like this! It's really all right!" He said stifling his sob. What the hell was I? I had just told him off loud and clear and here I was. I've been expecting this for a long time. As if I had lost something important but couldn't go and try to find it. and. Before leaving each other. the joy of wedding quickly drown out my misery. We were goaded to tell our love story. I hoped that I would feel better that way. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart. my better judgement told me that I should never play with fire again! Fortunately." He smiled. Surrounded by close friends."I knew that we would end up like this. He sat on the arm of the couch. I did not wait for him to cry out. we went through every kind of party games. to sing a bawdy version of 'A Couple Going home Together'¡KI felt really happy. I'm not afraid. I saw my mother's face flooded with smile. he said he would let me leave first. Maybe I will get married in a couple of years. He gazed at me too. comforted by him! I despised myself! Maybe we both wanted to salvage some male dignity. do you hear me?" He nodded. you must be careful not to be infected. I dared not look at him once more.' You are getting married now. I turned my face away suddenly. smiling sadly at me. not just . Play it for a long time and you would be ashamed to go on. In them I could see nothing else except the word 'pain'. he still leaned in my arms. It was supposed to be a 'yes'." I looked at his eyes." He lowered his head¡K "Although we have agreed not to contact any more. you must come to me if there was any emergency.

She had heard that only items from posh shops in Japan and the Fifth Avenue in New York were truly upscale. TIME FLIED. I didn't like the idea but I agreed. but my sexual desire was far from aroused. It was as if I was caressing his smooth shoulder and back. I just wondered how come a girl from a poor family. he had surprised me with his reaction. drinking and dressing. I tried my best not to think about Lanyu. She was never happy about the imported Japanese Honda I gave her. I closed my eyes. I didn't know whether it was expectation or dread. Lin Tsung-ping had quit her job. But I would think of him when I made love with Lin. I started to discover the true Lin slowly. romantic. She hired a young live-in maid because her long. but married life was not strange to me. she lay in my arms with her back on top. . She would go to the beauty saloons in hotels everyday to do facials and skincare or hairdo. I told her I liked to live downtown because of the convenience. compassionate and sly play--boy--!" She got a little carried away. She was discerning about everything involving eating. But every time my mobile rang. sweet and graceful¡K That day. He kept our promise and we did not contact each other. "I'm like a dumb fat sheep!" "Ha! You big rotten egg!" She hit me laughingly. In our married life. white and clean body. She had hoped for a Mercedes. She had asked me why hadn't I bought a villa in the suburbs. and things from Hong Kong were crass too. who had been a poor student and working girl like her could enjoy my fortune with such ease. She would only use brand name products. about our feelings. But her comment was not without some truth. looking at her coy smiling face. She told me that the domestic designer brands were all rubbish. just like a married couple. I looked at her misty and mysterious eyes: "Humph! You're like a scheming she wolf!" I laughed. But she was still so delicate. but more because I was having the blessings of my folks and my friends. He had been calm. slender and well-manicured fingers should not handle housework¡KI did not mind her spending so much on these things. I was caressing Lin Tsung-ping's smooth. rational and at ease. "Actually you are an intelligent. I would wonder if it would be Lanyu calling. Lanyu's clear and handsome face again emerged in my mind's eye. "And what are you?" She laughed too. we had lived a calm and solid life together. This was the first time I married.because I owned Lin Tsung-ping. I had parted with Lanyu for over six months. The day we parted. Although there had never been a page of legal agreement between Lanyu and me. She wanted to go to work in my company. after making love. He was stronger than I had imagined him to be. Even the toilet paper in the washroom did not escape her attention. and that lessened my worry.

"We go together!" I was afraid the news would not be good. After that. I hated to be interrogated when I called someone. And if I did that To Lin. because I wanted to lick his body. I can only remember that he had intelligent and alert eyes. "I'm not sure!" she was very unfriendly. at least just to see how he was doing. . I called his mobile." I tried to be patient.caressing his healthy and bouncy skin¡Kmy cock started to get erect¡KI dared not think more. I decided to find another boy. for I called out his name when making love¡K I THOUGHT I should call Lanyu on the phone. because the stimulation was not there. "I'm a schoolmate from the university. I yelled senselessly about something. There was a premonition that something was not right. It was all right at first. I was particularly turned on with that boy. I sent Liu Qsing to the telephone company to investigate the conditions about Lanyu's mobile and the phone in 'Scandinavia'. A guy from security and another guy from personnel received us. when I made love to Lin Tsung-ping. Afterwards. But making it all the more painful was the fact that I could not ejaculate for a long time. but nobody answered. My memory about him has faded now." I said. I called 'Scandinavia' in the evening. A woman answered. I want to speak to Lanyu. Not for anything else. He came back to tell me that both phones had not been used for over six months. It was a boy I had met only once before. "He does not work here anymore. lying that it was because we intended to employ Lanyu that we came to investigate." She said with disinterest. the boy asked me smiling if I had had a friend called Lanyu. "¡KWhy?!" I was shocked. this sweet dream of mine would burst like a bubble. It must have been because I had not made love to a man for a long time. I could only rely more and more on masturbation to satisfy myself. "He's transferred?" "He was fired!" She was starting to get impatient. It was the same at one o'clock past midnight. But then this became harder and harder to satisfy me. I called his workplace. Eventually. but it was not on. He was twenty-five or twentysix and was introduced by a friend. I had to hang up. "Who are you?" She asked. Both phones were still on my company's account. I hurriedly raised Lin Tsung-ping's legs and pushed my penis in. "You want me to go to his company to check what is wrong?" Liu Qsing suggested. "Excuse me. When I was reaching my climax. I had to rely on my imagination again to reach my climax. The following day. LIU QSING carried a reference letter. I mostly chose to do it from behind.

"Whose fucking idea is this? Doing such a rotten thing?" "Where do you think he would have gone?" "Probably find some other work." "¡K" Liu Qsing and I were aghast. That he hung around the big hotels to solicit customers. "about five months ago. who was in his forties. It was his wish. "If you want to hire him. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. Coming out from that construction company. Liu Qsing asked me." The guy from security was particularly cooperative. He was a graduate from 'China U'." The man from personnel who was wearing a pair of green army pants said. "That's why he was fired?" Liu Qsing asked the cadre from personnel. he couldn't be too rotten. It had been typed from a computer. and quite good looking too. "But looking at what he was wearing and using."It's like this. "That kind all have AIDS. But you must be careful of AIDS!" The man from personnel said again. "He had AIDS?!" Liu Qsing and I exclaimed at the same time. just in his twenties. I just felt that there was something inside my throat." said the man from personnel. where could a newly graduated student get so much money? I heard that just the watch he was wearing was worth a bundle. . the fax was quite blurred. Huh! A student. because he himself would not admit them.. We just let him resigned. "I have a copy here." HE was not staying at 'Scandinavia'. providing sexual service for men¡K Looking at the fax. our company got several faxes. "He was not fired. Certainly must have something to do with construction. "Could I see the fax?" Liu Qsing reacted faster." The guy from security argued. making me want to throw up. was quite rational. My stomach was churning and I wanted to throw up all the time. I could not be sure if I was angry or shocked." The old soldier sad solemnly. saying that Layu was seducing men outside and making money out of it. Who could imagine that he was a male prostitute?" The guy from security explained with glee. Probably because of the time lapse. His work was quite good. "That boy looked all right when he first came here." The old soldier. And a graduate from a famous university too. He was serious and responsible. and got along with the boys well enough. you could give him a try. We can't draw a conclusion basing on a mere fax. don't you know? The doctor from our healthcare department said that. I remembered painfully that it was a Rolex I bought for Lanyu from America. As for seducing men¡KI could see he had not seduced anyone in the company. so where was he staying? Why . "These allegations may not be true. exposing certain undesirable behaviors involving Lanyu.

His father said he had not contacted his family for nearly a year. Maybe he did come for me and I had not known. Maybe not as painful as when I had been parting with him. I was chatting with Lin Tsung-ping one day. for I could see through them and I could see a lot of hypocrisy. Only poor people live in this in foreign countries!" "I don't like 'Northern Suburbs'. She told me that Wei Kuo had bought a villa at 'Northern Suburbs'. but at that period. I was afraid that something had happened to him and I would be burdened by the guilt. I was not happy about this. I felt fenced in by the fear and the guilt. "Actually. He had vanished completely¡K It is hard to describe how I felt at the time. I tried my best to find out about Lanyu and to investigate the source of that fax. I felt that Beijing was so big." She said. the day they got the faxes had been when I was getting married. I asked Liu Qsing to go to the northwest. According to the date on the fax." I stalled her with disinterest. For the first time." I knew she was talking about Lanyu's villa.hadn't he come to me? We had agreed that he would come to me in an emergency. Nobody knew about him in the circle. "It's not mine! It was a friend's house I had borrowed. "Isn't it all right here?" "This apartment is so crass. haven't you?" Tsung-ping looked at me with a half-smile. And our sex life had become a disaster for me. She was now in better terms with 'Chan' than even I. "But you have a house there. It's too far away from downtown. we should buy a house too. Her elegance. I didn't know the phone number of his folks but I had their address. I hear that electricity and water supplies were often interrupted. She was in charge of personnel in my company and was even restricting my free hands. I had been an outgoing man. and I had profited a lot from this. She had come to know a lot of important people through me. would he? I turned these questions over and over in my head and my stomach started to ache. and I couldn't find him in the construction business in Beijing. gracefulness and charm were not attractive to me anymore. But I was very depressed. This woman was so calculating. but to no avail. . Could he had come out of this in one piece? He would not have done something foolish. back to top CHAPTER TWENTY LIN TSUNG-PING was indeed a versatile woman. fashionable dressings. I became withdrawn and moody.

I was starting to get tired of her. It's you who hasn't tried hard enough." After a pause. unfathomable. I'll get you a new daughter-in-law in a couple of days. the second daughter of Li Tahshan got divorced!" "Ha! That's swell. She had the right to care about everything about me and to spend my money because she was my wife. "Don't listen to her rubbish!" I didn't want to discuss this. She was attentive. caring and taking care of my everyday life. Even the clothes I wore everyday would not escape her attention. But she just hadn't got pregnant." Mom glared at me. Lin would chat happily with my mother. I was right marrying Lin Tsung-ping. "You and Tsung-ping should have a child as soon as possible. What are you waiting for?" Mom said as she was working on her painting. she said again. I felt that we were only getting along on the outside. It's her that won't have it. that we were sharing a bed but dreaming different dreams. This was my favorite season. But I started to hate her. and the most beautiful in Beijing. They were clouded. I was beginning to wonder how long the marriage between Lin Tsungping and I would last. My mother was fooling around with a brush and ink. It was an afternoon with warm sunlight streaming into the house." "Tsung-ping has told me all about it. and that made me happy and grateful. They looked just like they were mother and daughter. autumn breeze caressed my face as I walked along the road. She was still very good to me. But I would not divorce Lin Tsung-ping no matter how you look at it. She would rather live alone. concentrating on her ovulation period. My mother did not wish to live with us. She had the approval and protection of morality and law." . saying that she would feel easier that way. I was alone lying on the bed. drinking water and thinking about the negotiation at the office of 'Tsun Tin'. The first reason was Tsung-ping's feeling towards me had not changed. The second was that she was especially good to my mother. The cool. THE SCORCHING summer was gone." "No. I would either eat or sleep in mom's house. and was in love with Chinese painting.She did not go on. Lin Tsung-ping would drag me back to mom most weekends. She had enrolled into some kind of a university for the aged. "It's not that I don't want it. like I had done with the other women I had messed with before. "You know. And I would experience the kind of joy of a family getting together. "Are you having a fight with Tsung-ping? You have come to me all these few days. I was having sex with Lin only a few times a month. I looked at her eyes. wondering if I had conceded too much.

but he said it was the style of an architect. driving but not knowing where to go. I gripped my teacup tightly. Besides. but I did not turn¡K IT WAS midnight. I could not muster the courage to step into this house. she can take a lot from you. "It really was nothing. "Tsun-ping is really not bad to you.She turned to look at me startled. A musty smell caused by the lack of ventilation rushed at my face. I walked into the kitchen and the dinning room. If she hadn't told me." I was silent for a few seconds. After the crash. I was overjoyed. I would report it to the leadership. I dashed out of the front door.Then I hurled the cup at the opposite wall with all my might. I had wanted to find that little rascal and tell him that if he came after you again. I heard my mother yelling frantically after me. Like that affair of yours. I looked at the one on the right. it was no longer my property. I could see Lanyu's white Lexus. "It was Tsung-ping's idea too. The electric door opened unhurriedly." My heart thumped wildly for a beat. I had had agreed with Lanyu that the one on the left side was mine. Since the separation. You've been making a mountain out of a molehill!" "That's because we have acted decisively. I got out of the bed. that everything should be in the right place. The pack of cigarette I had left when I was parting with Lanyu was still on the table. but I didn't show it. He was home? I rushed to the front of the house and opened the door. I drove into the garage. But nothing of that sort was there now. "You mean about that fax?" I tried hard to sound casual. she not only did not give up on you. The room was strangely quiet. you would still have not waken up now. As the door raised itself. walking towards the sitting room. there had been some beverage left over by Lanyu. He liked to be tidy and clean. The spacious sitting room was kept very clean. I remembered that the day I left. but he took care of it except making meals. Gradually. I had rarely helped with the housework. looking at the bed on which we had made love . I didn't know why. looking at the teacup in my hand¡K. but I opened it. When we were together. "Lanyu! Lanyu!" I hollered twice without getting an answer. but also cared a lot for you. "You! You!" she said and went on with her painting. and that little rascal dared not bother you anymore. I had not been there for close to a year. Then she saw the mischief in my eyes and she laughed. I knew that Lanyu had never been good at this too. I had laughed at him for being tedious. saying. Although she has come from a lesser family. I came out of the bar. I wanted to go back to 'Scandinavia' to take a look." I was alarmed. I was driving into the villa area of 'Northern Suburbs'. I came to our bedroom.

At last. He was startled. but I caressed and kissed his body even more rigorously. I didn't know how long later. We had made two of the same at the time. but I'm not so cruel and cold as to totally inhuman¡KI thought and thought and gradually fell asleep. It seemed more spacious now although it was not clear to me what was missing. He tried to stop me with one hand. My eyes felt even more acid. It was Lanyu's car key. or a last testament. We had all minded what we wore. There were a lot of clothes. you couldn't have done this. and a mobile. then suddenly yanked off his casual shorts. IT WAS like nothing had ever happened. I walked into our study. he had hung up hurriedly and held me. property rights and insurance. I also saw that one of the drawers of the desk was half-open. then saw that there was a key on top of the desk. There was this unspeakable tiredness. I pulled it open slowly. I couldn't tell them how much the boy meant to me and I couldn't tell them what they had done was so despicable and vicious. I rarely used the room. Mine had gone God knows where but Lanyu had been using this key chain all along. Those he had not liked. no matter what the brand name or how upscale. But I found nothing. desperately trying to hold his shorts up with one hand and at the same time frowning at me. There was a gold-plated plaque on the key chain. I was awakened by the ringing of the phone. The plaque had been engraved for HK$20 when I and he were touring Hong Kong. with two linked hearts and the words L&H under it. etc of this house. I still had to face my mother and Lin Tsung-ping just like before. Lanyu. though Lanyu would read here often. I was so amused I started to take his clothes off. but Lanyu had this habit of wearing those he liked best time and again. "Just tell them I'm not dead yet!" I hung up before Liu Qsing could say anything more. I lay on the bed weakly. "You all right? The old woman and Miss Lin have been looking for you everywhere! We are so scared!" Liu Qsing said frantically. I turned and started to leave the house. he would not be interested in. pushing me onto the floor¡K I did not want to go on with the memory. Alongside was a bunch of keys to the rooms in the house.countless of times and my eyes became acid. I remembered that day when he was calling a schoolmate on the phone in this room. Then he just ignored me and let me fool around. glared at me and all the while going on with his conversation on the phone business-like. I saw his serious face and was very amused. letter. I looked and reminisced about the titbits when we had been together. I walked into his workroom. a pager¡K I went through the drawer hysterically. I opened Layu's walk-in closet. Inside were papers to the tenancy rights. I even had to deny to my mother that I had . You want this to be on my conscience all my life? I'm no gentleman. expecting to find some kind of a note. So I had stepped in quietly.

so leave me alone. Tsung-ping had been trying hard to save our marriage. Poor old mom was so scared she never mentioned it again. Once. Under candlelight and in soft music. That was . "It's just that I feel we are not happy together. and I remembered that Lanyu had said the story of 'Liang Tsu' was basically a gay story (Tsu had disguised as a man and befriended Liang) and I told him that was rubbish. And I began to prepare for a divorce. even I myself began to wonder if I was suffering from some kind of incurable disease.000 from the company. I told her I might not live for long. let's just get a divorce. There was a slight fever. It's just that you are tired of me. He had looked at me with his clear and bright eyes and said he believed. Countless medicines did not help me. These few weeks." Tsung-ping asked with tears in her eyes. I just said I did that because I had had a fight with Lin-Tsung-ping. just like when we had first met.thrown that teacup because of that boy. I recovered from the flu." I said. Don't you think you are rushing it a bit?" Tsung-ping said forlornly. My mother asked me again about Lanyu and about the villa. we are both adults. She had dragged me to concerts. right? I've not been good to you? Or have I done something wrong. she had held my hand and said she loved me. we must divorce!" I stood firm. Chang who was in charge of finance told me Lin Tsung-ping had moved away $300. "I've been thinking about it for a long time. leaning in my arms." "It's not a matter of happiness. We've been married for only a little over a year!" "Whichever way you look at it. And she got along with me carefully. it had been like looking at his eyes when he was speaking with that firm tone. This went on for two month." I wanted to discuss with Lin Tsung-ping openly and sincerely. "Han-tung. Marriage is not a children's game. still without giving a solid reason. and the ending when they turned into a pair of butterflies. One month later. Tsung-ping took care of me with the utmost of thoroughness. my eyes blurred¡K MORE THAN A month later. Hearing the melancholic music. "It shouldn't have come to this. back to top CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE "TSUNG-PING. It is painful for both of us to maintain such a marriage. I really think we can't live together. She had started to cook herself. I went down with a flu. and thinking about Liang and Tsu's tragic love story. the band had started playing 'Liang Tsu'. and dinners were quite romantic too.

"But you have gone too far on some things!" I said heavily. "I'm fond of you. But you? Have you ever been responsible to me and to your family? I accompany you to socialize. I did not mind your breaking my heart time and again. But I had never dreamed that my rival would be a man! How come the weirdest affair of the century would happen to me?" Tsung-ping said helplessly. I knew I had a rival. You are that kind-hearted? Maybe you don't mind because you mind money even more?" "Money! You think too much of money! Yes. I have forgiven you and helped you to overcome it. will you? So what difference does it make with one less of his kind?" I looked at her pretty face. I'll give you another two hundred thousand. and we call it even. "Humph! Since when we were first dating. my parents came all the way to see me. "You finally admit it. "Cut the melodramatics. Have you ever thought about what I wanted? I don't want to have your money. Lin had moved fast. This was the first time she had lost her composure. "Han-tung. "I love you. I had to protect my husband and my family!" She had finally cooled down. As a wife. I wanted to end it faster. and I wanted to punch her! But I wouldn't hit a woman. and see which one of us . You hate me because of that thing about the faxes. But what have I done for your mother? I chatted with her.. I told Lin Tsung-ping we couldn't drag on anymore. "Something wrong with your head?" I tried to be sarcastic. to go the rounds and to let you have fun. But here you are.the maximum amount Lin could sign and cash. "Don't talk nonsense! You have already taken away three hundred thousand. "Stop making me sick. "When did you ever care about me? Do you know what I want? I asked you to go to my home once. I took her out¡K" She started to cry." "You are not afraid that I will tell about you?" "Then you are underestimating me! Just you try. wanting to divorce me!" She said again. and you said you were not used to the weather in the south. I spent your money. But what else have you given me except money? What else have you given me as a man and a husband?" Tsung-ping yelled at me at the top of her voice. you can't be a normal husband!" Tsung-ping sobbed weakly. but what else could I have? How much have you given me emotionally? Even in sex. I have thought all along that a woman's tenderness would move you. When we married. I did nothing wrong. "You could have ruined that boy!" I roared at her. are you doing this because of a man called Lanyu?" After our squabble. Tsun-ping suddenly asked. I asked you to take one day off to be with them. I don't mind your sickness of the mind. and you said you didn't have the time.

I had been maintaining a sexual relationship with a man. I did not believe that he had vanished just like that. Before my divorce. He was not tall but very handsome. we had a lot of common conversation. because that was Lanyu's home. When we were together. I gave up the factory. he had hoped that we could have a closer relationship. where there was loss. but I liked it that way. I was hoping that he would come back suddenly one day. Then we parted and I had not tried to find other 'friends'.will be ruined at the end of the day!!" I scoffed. It was the weep of despair. I was waiting for a miracle to happen¡K back to top CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO . I really knew too little about running an enterprise. I saw a chance and grabbed it. she looked at me helplessly: "One million! That's not too much for you. He said he could understand. MY SHORT-LIVED first marriage had ended. the 'cool' type. After my divorce. He was fond of me genuinely. I had put almost all my energy into my business. marketing and management. Tsung-ping was silent for a moment. there must also be some gain. I would develop what I did best. So I began working on fundraising. He was nearsighted so he had to wear contact lenses all the time. I stayed at 'Scandinavia' a lot of time. But just as Lanyu had said. After a long time. He was the only one who could understand that. He was four years my junior and ours was an excellent partnership. My mother had done nothing to stop my divorce. I thought: I'm afraid no woman is suitable for me. I had lost too much because of this. I was extremely lonely. He had often teased me. saying that although I had come out of 'South U' majoring in Chinese literature. I had gained the evidence that I had never admitted but was a fact: regardless of whether I was in it deep or not." She had finally named her price. then started to weep. But I needed a lot of capital. My joint venture cosmetic factory was a mess. I had told him a little about Lanyu and he advised me to let it go. do commerce more. I was rather fond of him too but had kept a distance. But I said I had an empty place in my heart which could not be erased and which no one else could fill. I was a homosexual. He was a graduate of literature and was working as an editor in a newspaper. She said that I must find another suitable woman to marry again. but I could see in her eyes a new kind of anxiousness and worry. I was close to an illiterate.

I was not interested but had to go to save face for him. which lessened his purity but added a kind of sophisticated appeal. They were walking my way¡KIn that split second. He seemed witty and suave. giving them some order and patted Lanyu on the shoulder. His eyes left me and he walked briskly ahead. I did not leave immediately but strolled around the grounds in leisure. his eyes filled with surprise. I thought them interesting. They were in front of a Japanese booth. I moved forward a little. I was invited by a friend to attend a construction materials exhibition. not knowing what to do. and summer had to be the longest season here. Was it pain or hate? He didn't show any emotion. He turned and went into his booth. Then Lanyu seemed to be leaving with the middle-aged man. but I knew that was Lanyu. I stepped out from behind the column without thinking. He was wearing a dark blue suit. our eyes met. He had changed to a crewcut hairstyle. Even though I was not in the construction business. That friend was a real estate developer who had hoped for a joint venture with me. stood behind the information counter. But the surprise was quickly replaced by something else. the middle-aged man returned. I was not happy looking on. But he could be so free and relaxed now. opened it and drank. The boy in the middle. One westerner and two Chinese were talking. A very pretty girl was standing beside him. told my driver to go and climbed into my car. I remembered that he had not been used to get along with girls. After socializing. I froze in daze. producing from underneath it a bottle of mineral water. He said something to her and the girl pouted. he looked too much like Lanyu! My heart thumped wildly and I was having difficulty breathing. Lanyu froze with surprise. I followed close behind. They stopped talking. They climbed into a Japanese limousine and drove out. I ran rapidly to the parking lot. Both the westerner and the middle-aged man left. It was a large exhibition with a lot of foreign businesses and joint venture enterprises taking part. . He had not changed a bit. with Lanyu interpreting for the middle-aged man from time to time. complimenting his outstanding and symmetrical body. They were chatting and the girl's eyes never left his face. Then I pulled myself together and walked briskly towards the exit too. middle aged man. We had parted on a day deep into the autumn.I NEVER liked summertime in Beijing. my eyes fixing on Lanyu and the middle-aged man. no. My eyes roamed aimlessly and were suddenly caught by three men. I liked the designs of some of the booths. hiding behind the column of a booth to observe him. They seemed not to be conversing in Chinese. The one on the left was a small. It was too far away for me to see his face clearly. How many more autumns I had to wait before I found him? That day. He was still so handsome. I counted the days since I had separated with Lanyu and found it had been one year and nine months. After a short while.

finally arriving at the front yard of a big sprawling apartment complex at "Tsing Huo". There he was standing there. Through the smoke-tinted glass. cared about nothing. That boy seemed to squeeze Lanyu's hand. He was bespectacled and looked a gentleman. Lanyu stood real close to him. He glanced at his wristwatch. He was not carrying anything. He had gotten out of that suit and was wearing trousers with an ordinary T-shirt with a round collar. He hated me. But I didn't want to leave just like that. watching the windows lighting up one after another and wondering which one belonged to Lanyu. even given him a luxurious house. He went to the 011 bus stop and stood among the crowd that was waiting for the bus. tasting I didn't know what. I memorized the number.My mind was in chaos. probably a few years older than Lanyu. Around 5 p. their relationship must be between a boss and an employee. then got on the bicycle and disappeared into the night. he had taken nothing. He bought some tomato or something. I watched them got out of the car and went in together. people started to come out of the building. And when I had deserted him so coldly. I paid attention to every boy that came out but did not see Lanyu. He had a good job and a . He just walked out briskly. I wanted to see Lanyu but could not muster the courage. Then two men came out. There were so many beautiful boys and girls in Beijing and they were converging here. I had had let him live the life of a Chinese 'aristocrat' and given him richness and glory. I just stayed in the car like that. The stranger unfolded a bicycle. I thought carefully about the scene in which we looked at each other the other day. I was listless for several days afterwards. like an ordinary Beijing citizen. but I could not find the courage. I wanted to go inside for him.m. I couldn't see clearly the face of the other man in the dusk. He finally came out at a little before six. He changed bus once. I looked at him and my heart felt as if a spice rack had toppled inside. What was the relation between them? The car stopped at 'Tien Hwa' building where there were offices mostly rented by foreign businesses as their headquarters in Beijing. I was at a beautiful vantagepoint. Only his handsome face and body stood out. As this was a working place. then went into the doorway of an apartment block. I was glad that I was driving my company's black Audi. he gave them all back to me cruelly.. Where would they go? That middle-aged man looked like Japanese. They came out into the courtyard. I waited in the car. Lanyu idled outside for one or two minutes before returning into the building¡K. I followed the little bus Lanyu had hopped on and drove along slowly. then looked once far off. I could watch him real close. That made me feel better. was disgusted with me? He looked doing fine. I was sure one of them was Lanyu. but I didn't know what I was waiting for. I drove to the front of the door. He wouldn't give me any peace of mind. But in the end.

I was told that the occupant of the room is abroad. "Han-tung?" His voiced floated across. I parked and stood waiting for him in front of the building in the area reserved for visiting relations. "¡K" I looked at him in the dark of the night. "Nothing. One of the bedroom doors was closed. my eyes were on him but he was avoiding eye contact. "I've been here for a while. came back with two bottles of beer. Then a man came out of the door and Lanyu acknowledged him. A simple dinning table and a few chairs were in the middle of the small living room. The room was not big but kept very clean." He looked at me and . We just stood there embarrassed. He did not need me at all. "¡K" Both of us didn't know what to say. you have to drive." "An empty room?" "Yes. I must go to him. He stopped for a moment. The other bedroom belongs to the landlord. "Why don't you come in and sit for a while?" He said. Just looking at you!" What he had said left me cold. I didn't say hello to him. He finally came back. In the other were a double bed and two desks. watching Lanyu coming out with several coworkers. He was ready to go in when he noticed me nearby. but I was calmer as a result. I have forgotten. yes. "I'm not thirsty!" He turned to go into the kitchen. Because of the simplicity of the furniture. this place is a good find too. I just drove straight to 'Tsing Huo'.'friend'. "Yes. "You want some water?" He broke the silence again. until it was totally dark and approaching nine. "You rented this place?" I asked." I said quietly. "You want something?" He opened his mouth again first. "When did you come? How do you know I'm here?" He asked. because I needed him! I ARRIVED in front of 'Tien Hua' building at five in the afternoon. it had a feeling of freshness and elegance. bookcases and some trunks. Still. He stopped in front of the middle one of three units and unlocked the door. I shouldn't go and disturb him." We sat in the living room. I couldn't tell whether he really meant it or was just being courteous. then stopped: "Oh. It was a small threeroom apartment. Only the living room and one bedroom. "We have only this to drink here!" He laughed as he tried to open them. I waited for a long time. I followed him upstairs to the third floor. I remembered that unusual night when I waited anxiously for him to return at 'Temporary Village'.

as if telling me that he was doing very well. I unconsciously picked up the telephone. Then we said no more." He looked at me frankly. My phone rang less than a minute after I had called him. "Can I have your number?" I mustered the courage to ask. "You can page me if you want something." He said. "I see you are doing fine!" I said. Chan Han-tung!" I said coldly. He was not the Lanyu I had known anymore. "How's business?" He asked. What more could I do? Need I call him again? As these thoughts swirled in my mind. anxiety and worry these past two years were for nothing! I no longer had to face the pressure of my conscience. If there is something you want. "You don't smoke?" I knew he didn't smoke but still asked. He had been calling the number of my office for more than four years. back to top CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE LANYU WAS alive! And he had his own life! My fear. He suddenly asked me. It was obvious that this was somebody else's cigarette. On it were the words 'Tai Huo' Construction Company." "Our mom's well?" His tone was flat. Then I got up to go. Sales Representative and Lanyu. I could live recklessly like before again! He had changed. we can find some place . I didn't touch the pack but looked at him. "You got any kid?" "No!" I didn't tell him I was divorced. We exchanged some more unimportant remarks. "You know I'm not into this. "So-so. "Nothing!¡K" I said. and now he was asking me who had called him! ! My eyes turned red. "You want something?" He asked. We went downstairs." He said. "It is I. Who has called 23455667 please?" He asked. "She's fine!" I smiled and tried to be as suave as I was when talking business. came out with a pack of cigarettes and handed it to me. He went into the bedroom.laughed. He took a calling card from the desk. "Excuse me. I felt betrayed. I was holding his calling card. as if he was asking for the sake of asking. "¡KI'm working. "I get along.

"I have owed you in the past. "You live here alone?" I asked. When I reached for the handle of the door. He stood there unmoving and let me lick away¡KI stopped and observed his face. Just like last time. I wiped off the tears on his face and tried to ease off and look at him. but I could feel my shoulder where his face was pressing turned wet. his neck¡K I took off his T-shirt for him. I moved my lips over his. I could feel his breath. you could come to me¡K" His head was lowered and his eyes were expressionless. I just wanted to get this over with and leave. "Take care!!" I gazed at him. nose and lips. "I won't be here again. just my shoulder¡KI could not control myself. rubbed it with my face¡KI knelt down. I turned to look at him. and this was the moment I had been dreaming for. still so suppressed but really cried.to talk. I sat there embarrassed while he received me courteously. I can't make it up to you. afraid something might have happened to you¡KHumph!" I scoffed at myself. I looked at his eyes. He was . I stuck out my tongue and licked them for him. smell his odor. He made no sound. There were no more tears on his face. "Yes. There was no anxiety and compassion in me anymore. I caressed it. said very seriously. I couldn't tell whether it was pain or happiness in his eyes. "Good!" I put down the receiver and swore to myself that this was the last time I would go to him. We were standing very close. His eyes were red like those of a rabbit. I just wanted to see whether you are doing fine ¡KI've been looking for you for more than a year. But he did not look me in the eye." "¡K" "Or you can come to my place tonight?" He said." I saw that there was a plate of leftover raw cucumbers. I KNOCKED at Lanyu's door at sundown. But he held me tight and would not let go¡KAnother long time afterwards. I felt my arm was clutched tightly. Why? After I din't know how long. I took him into my arms in a flash and tried to press his body into mine with all my might. His lips were very dry. Two years. then got up and walked towards the door. ¡K "Had dinner?" He asked. slowly unbuckling his belt¡KI looked up and observed him again. his tanned and smooth skin finally showing before my eyes. I closed my eyes with a heavy heart and went on kissing his chin. And he bit my shoulder fiercely¡K ¡KHe had not behaved like this even when we had been parting. "No!" He was still so honest. Then he started to cry. So just let me be in debt forever¡K I have divorced¡KIf you needed me in any way¡KI mean except for money. He held me the same way. And he sounded so indifferent. He gazed at me. he let go of me. I chuckled.

Very well! Let me be a whore just this once today. I would pay back what I had owed him. I leaned on the door looking at him. My mouth was numb. I was waiting. gently swaying with the water¡KA wave crashed down on us. There was even sperm on my face. I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up tonight. and starting to take off my clothes¡KHe pulled me up from the floor. He hesitated for a moment and said he had something to do that night. You can come to me if you need anything. I laughed. But this kind of insult also aroused my desire to be tormented. I was waiting for his climax¡KThen he ejaculated. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me. My self esteemed received a tremendous blow. He said after a long pause. his eyes again filled with tears. "Why?" He asked bewildered. and we were swept into the swirling water again¡KUntil we were pushed up onto the crest of the wave¡KThen calmness again¡K And then once again¡K I SAT in my office. He said it should be on . cleared away the sperm. I went into the toilet. seemingly high and mighty. My eyes were closed. "I have a 'friend' coming!" I didn't say anything. reviewing what about last night scene by scene. I asked him what was it. I just hung up¡K back to top CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR I DID not contact Lanyu again for one week. pulled me into the bedroom and slowly pressed me down on the bed¡K. Two more weeks had passed. my mind was numb. then came out and told him I was leaving. please!!"¡K We lay on the bed exhausted. his eyes cold and filled with disgust. as if he was looking down at a waiter serving him. telling him that I wanted to treat him to a dinner. It was as if we were floating on a calm sea. kissing my face fiercely¡KI almost lost my balance and sank weakly onto the cold floor. I performed fellatio for him and he closed his eyes in enjoyment. waiting for him to call me. He went on his knees too and went on kissing me. "I have told you. Then it dawned on me that he would not take the initiative to call me. He took me into his arms abruptly. He was putting on his pants and he froze hearing that. I called him again." He looked at me. squirting all over me. I felt dizzy at the moment of climax and I couldn't help yelling. I picked up the phone and called Lanyu.standing there looking down at me.

him. "Isn't it better working for a foreign enterprise?" It was obvious that he didn't want to tell me anything. We exchanged greetings. We were excellent partners in bed. Afterwards. Then we were silent again. We started to eat. "How long have you been working in that Japanese firm?" I asked him." His eyes were still on the TV. his eyes glued on the television." He . He watched me pick up a piece of stir fried green pepper he had made with my chopsticks and asked. "Is it good?" "It's just terrible!" I laughed." He probably meant about his crying. It was even more suffocating hot in his tiny apartment. We ate in silence." "Humph! It's not such a big deal!" He grimaced and looked at the TV again. Then. he said iwe could eat at his place if I didn't mind. I saw that a lot of takeaway food was on the table when I stepped into his place. The cassette was a tape of English songs "Classic Romantic Love Songs'. "I didn't do any better myself!" I laughed. holding the beer. "Probably a year. so it must have been a gift from his 'friend'. he said. beside which were a Walkman and a cassette. There was no improvement on his cooking obviously. Lanyu did not like English songs. I agreed. I went into the bedroom and saw that there was a lot of books piled on the desk. An American cops-and-robbers film was on and they were battling like hell in it. I was scared stiff. He leaned on the bedstead. We squabbled for a while. On the other desk was a television set. He stayed in the kitchen making preparations. Lanyu fetched me a bottle of iced beer. after a long time. "Was it because of that fax?" I asked after a pause. It was only then that I felt I really owned him. At night. "You didn't laugh at me the other day. Lanyu liked historical war films or anything with violence. afraid that something had happened to you. we started to make love. so weak. "How do you know?' His eyes left the TV and looked at me in alarm. Finally. "I have gone there looking for you. "Why hadn't you come to me?" I asked. did you? I don't know what came over me. Beijing in August had not cooled down the least bit. We knew what the other wanted and knew how to do it more passionately and involved than before. "Why did you leave 'City Ninth Construction'?" I asked although I knew. "Don't eat it! Spit it out!" He laughed too. mostly references about TOEFL and GRE. "What's the use? I couldn't stay on in that company anyway. like water mixing with milk. We had lived together for more than four years. I had told him he was tasteless but he said I was just being cynical.

sounded uninterested. "At least I could help you find other jobs." "¡K" He seemed to be watching TV but I knew his mind was not on it. "Where did you go afterwards?" I asked again. "Just messing around! I didn't starve anyway. Don't talk about this, okay?" He said harshly with impatience. He was frowning slightly, the expression on his face was painful. I looked at him and my heart ached. Silence again. Then I opened my mouth first, "My wife did it!" He looked at me astonished, "So fucking evil!! And you married such a whore!" I could say nothing. He calmed down, "It's over anyway. So long as you didn't do it." "You could think that I did it?" I asked him aloud, "I was so fucking worried I almost gone mad. I have searched every nook and cranny in Beijing! I was most scared that you¡K" I couldn't go on. "It's no big deal really. Something would seem horrible at the time it happened. But bite down on your teeth and it soon belonged to the past." He said calmly, his eyes still on the television. "Actually, this thing about the fax did not despair me as much as our separation." He turned to face me and said. Those sad eyes I had known so well and which had bewitched me. Those eyes that had aroused my desire countless of times were now like a knife stabbing at my heart. I looked at him. Because of the fervor of lovemaking, the front part of his hair was still wet and matted on his forehead. His jet black eyes were gazing at me, with his lips closed tightly¡K I kissed him, sticking my tongue into his mouth, licking up and down, and he responded¡K We didn't make love again, just went on kissing like that¡K He got up very early in the morning. He said he should absolutely not be late working for that Japanese company. We went together. I wanted to ask him if he wanted a lift but I dared not open my mouth. He walked to the bus stop hurriedly. Before parting, he said he would contact me again. He must have been hinting that I should not call him at my whims. I didn't mind. I had made him a promise that he could come to me if he needed anything. When I was with Lanyu, I would feel very close to him, especially when we were making passionate love. I would know that was Lanyu and he had not changed. But other times, I would feel that we were far, far apart. I was experiencing for the first time the agony of one-sided love. I was sure that was one-sided. I tried very hard to get out of this situation by meeting other men, even women. But Lanyu was like a drug. I would crave for it when I couldn't get it. I would enjoy it like I was in a cloud when I could get it. But I was in endless pain when I had sobered up. We were just maintaining a sexual relationship. I never asked about his

life, and he was indifferent to mine. We did not mention our past at all. We just talked about sex, never love. At first, Lanyu would call me only once for a long time. Then the pace quickened. Why? Because I was more attractive to him than other men?¡K I went to 'Tin Hua' to pick him up that day. On our way, I suggested we go to 'Scandinavia'. I really couldn't get used to his simple apartment. "Let's go to 'Scandinavia' today?" I asked. "I'm not going there." He refused flatly. "But that's your house." "I don't want it!" "You hate me that much?" I said bitterly. "I don't hate you." "Then why don't you want it?" "Humph," he scoffed, "You have bought my virginity for one thousand dollars. Now you want to buy my feelings with a house?' "¡K" I was so mad my hands started to shake. I pulled up by the roadside. "Get out!!" I said. He turned and got out of the car without hesitation and walked towards the opposite direction. back to top

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE WE MADE up not long afterwards. I felt that Lanyu was right. We had better not talk about anything else except sex. I had the premonition that we would be apart. Totally, permanently apart. Once, I called a friend on the phone when I was at his place and I had to write down a phone number. I asked Lanyu where was the pen and he said inside the drawer. I pulled opened the drawer and went through it roughly. I couldn't see a pen, but several photographs caught my eyes. Most of them were that of a boy who looked very much like the one I had seen that evening in my car. He was not handsome but not ugly, intelligent looking and bespectacled, very much an intellectual. Only one of the photos showed them together, two graceful boys sitting on two rocks smiling naturally. My heart felt like there was a knife twisting around inside. One Saturday afternoon, Lanyu asked me to go to his place. He seldom dated me on weekends. I had bitterly told myself that I was his Tuesday lover. This time I told him I had an important dinner at night that I must go to. He asked me where would that be and I told him at 'Fang Hsian'. It was past ten o'clock at night when I had finished socializing. I was dizzy because I had too much to drink. I staggered to my car and was

about to open the car door. "Chan Han-tung." I heard Lanyu call my name. I was astonished to see him at the other side of my car "How come you are here?" I was surprised. "I've been waiting for you for some time." He said laughing¡K It was nearing the end of October and it was cool. And Lanyu had been standing out there waiting for me for two three hours. What did he mean by that? Was he not fond of me anymore? I let my driver go and we drove to 'Tsing Huo'. I asked him why had he waited for me and he said he had nothing to do anyway. Sunday morning, we were snuggling under the blanket. The heating in his small apartment was minimal. I held him, letting him press against my chest. ¡K "I hope we could be just like before! I have no one else. Just the two of us." I wanted to make a last ditch effort. He was again silent, just lying in my arms. "Give me a chance. Give both of us a chance. My feelings towards you¡Kit has never diminished but stronger day by day. I mean it!" And I really meant it. "You're not a true¡KHow could you mean it?" He said. "I am! Now I feel nothing about women!" I said firmly. "You feel nothing now, but maybe you will feel something later on! Besides, you have your mother and your career." He said. "¡K" What could I say? "I have a friend, he is very nice to me. We have a good relationship. I'm already unfaithful to him. I can't hurt him anymore." He suddenly whispered. Lanyu. There he was lying in my arms telling me he should be good to another man. I hated it! "These couple of years, you have met only this one guy?" I let go of him and lay flat. "Humph! A lot! Most of them just wanted to come up and do it. Fuck!" He laughed. "How did you meet?" I asked. "At 'China U'. That day I had been sitting on a bench at 'The Island' for a whole day. I knew that a man was watching me. Until very late, he came over and asked me if I was a loser in love. And he handed me a cigarette." "You are schoolmates?" "No. But we could talk. He has given me a lot¡K" He too was lying flat, his eyes on the ceiling. "Before, when I was with you. No matter how scared inside, I would think of you and I would be afraid of nothing. Only after we had gone our separate ways did I find out that people like me are too difficult!" He said again.

But my eyes were a little acid¡KHis cock could no longer contain itself in my mouth¡KHis hands gripped the bedstead real tight¡K I removed his blindfold. He turned over. "I don't want anything! Just you!" I heard him said laughing¡K When we came out of the room and onto the street." I said. "You can get married if you wish. took my necktie from the desk. I did not want to go on talking with him. I moved close to his penis and swallowed it as if I had found something extremely delicious. I raised his arms and tied his hands on the bedstead with the necktie. I was not gentle. Let's get married! I can marry someone else. I wept. You can live with a man or a woman. let me get crazy with him once more. He looked at me in excitement. He must have had seen the tears shimmering in my eyes. looked at his enchanting face. But that was a painful excitement. This beautiful big boy. "I can't stand this any longer. I am a scoundrel. he was the same as I was¡K "Turn over!" I commanded. I did not want to hear him say how good that man was. we were just like two casual friends. "Be obedient or else!" I said. As if nothing had ever happened between us¡K back to top . I gazed at his eyes. but I am in love with a person. But very soon." He continued. I looked at the teeth marks I left on his body with agony and excitement. I not only kissed him but also bit him. I held his body tight. but he was holding on to the bedstead¡K I embraced him and slowly delivered my penis into¡K I climaxed. but like a predator munching at its prey. The necktie on his wrists was already loose. "I won't!" He said with no uncertain term." I cried my eyes out like I was mad¡K Lanyu's body was shuddering in my arms. Then I started to kiss him. Or even less than that."I hated you for getting married at the time. This was a way to play I had learned from X-rated movies. But now I could understand. We smiled looking at each other. so why can't I marry you? ¡KI can give up anything! What do you want me to do? Say it. I took the pillow towel to blindfold him. I let him lay flat on his back on the bed. It is quite good the way you are. He looked at me with surprise and excitement. As long as it is in my power!¡Kthe hell with the difference between man and woman! I only love this person!! I am perverted. I caressed his body. I sucked greedily and felt immensely happy.

His pager sounded again. We made love and then chatted. adopting a wait-and-see attitude. I threw him my mobile. I found my little sister looking at me with disgust. beep¡K" His pager sounded again. be responsible to my own life. Later. "Your son can go in the future. She told me over and over the hazard of not marrying. "What's the good news that makes you so happy?" I didn't want to ask ." He was a little embarrassed. He checked it but did nothing about it. I had been having this premonition that disaster would strike. The general manager of 'Tsu Hang' was arrested. I started to consider my relationship with Lanyu with a cool head.CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX SINCE SPRING that year. I listened with amazement. but I had not known that she was a philosopher. Nothing was going smoothly. my mother told me that Lin Tsung-ping had told her about Lanyu and me long ago. ¡K "Beep. my father and the difficulty of life. I was summoned by Lanyu. Then our topic touched upon mystics. I no longer minded what he was doing or going out with whom. I was afraid that I would be involved in the case. I could not comprehend." "Where would I get a son?" He looked at me laughing. He turned and went out of the door. He had been my chief financial backer. so I dared not make any reckless move. "That means you are regretting?" "I do not regret this life. That I must not be reckless. Business was no better. but I would absolutely not be like this again in my next life. She talked about her whole life. One day. My mother was a high school graduate I knew. "Shit! It is certain that I could not go to MIT this life!" He said. He had told me that this was a famous institute of technology. "I'd better go downstairs and answer it. I was no longer the big brother she could look up to. It was not clear to me what Lanyu wanted from me. I was ten years his senior and had passed the age of raising a family. Whichever way I looked at it. One day in March. He was reading a brief introductory of some school." He answered simply. My mother had another all-night talk with me. I could no longer being caught in the quagmire of emotions like a teenager. I just wanted to treasure every minute we were together. About the soul and next life¡K "Do you wish to meet me again in your next life?" I again asked the question that troubled me. I just wanted to give him everything I could. She wanted me to get married right away." He said. He was flushed with excitement when he returned. "No.

A whole lot of acceptance notices but no money. It's just great!" I could see he was really happy. "He's only twenty-eight! Not as old as you are!" He laughed with glee. I was this close to two thousand¡K" He seemed to be talking to himself. Lanyu called me twice a week. He turned silent again that night." He looked at me in amazement although I had said that without any melodramatics. I have a friend." He said as his face darkened. Also change a reason for going abroad. . I finally understood that his friend was going abroad to study. I was in an unprecedented crisis. You give it to me and I'll arrange a new one for you." I said as I got off the bed and took out an envelope I had brought along. after making love with Lanyu. What's he going for?" I said sarcastically." He looked at me curiously. "He got a notice that he is accepted. Get ready and go together this year. You have the acceptance notice letter. That's really enough! He can go surely this year!" He was talking as if he was a small child. "That's easier said than done. Maybe she had given up on me. I began to evade him or turn him down. still with doubt. Besides. She'll take you there when the passport is ready. "Here are guarantees from a bank in the country and from a bank in America." He knew a lot about this kind of thing. "Then you must try to catch up. "Relax. Architecture is too hard to connect. I rarely went home. She rarely smiled these days. Twenty-four thousand a year." I could find no reason to be happy for him. I received a notice that because of the involvement with the 'Tsu Hang' case. I was busy with something else. She's in charge of the business visa section of the Department of Economy and Commerce. APRIL. "Where's your original passport?" "I still have it. I hated it. right? Just hold this and you can get your visa. That day. "What twenty-four thousand?" I couldn't understand. I was afraid to face my mother's eyes. "A whole scholarship. And she's really friendly with the undersecretary in the embassy. He thought a little and said again.but couldn't help myself." "This could be done?" He asked. I asked. He must have been feeling bad that he and his friend were going to be separated temporarily. "Maybe I should take the GRE exam again. "Probably expired. my company's books were to be investigated thoroughly. "But this kind of visa is very hard to get. "So old.

I have talked to her. I have deposited fifty thousand American dollars for you. the sadness again floating on his face. I didn't say anything and also got dressed myself. There are lots of people better in bed than I am."No problem." I went to the door. this is that person's card. when we first met. don't you? If you don't want to do it. You want to be with your lover in America together. "You better save the money for yourself. I had the premonition that this thing would be very serious. After a while. "Lanyu. I told him I was busy and I wanted to quit drinking too. "Don't call me again. Very relaxed but dryly. "You are not seeing me out?" I said as I opened the door." I also looked at him with mockery. You can try something else when you are in America. he looked at me and smiled. I was not in great pain. I imagine that Lanyu would have felt the same before. It's too cold here." I said. some plainclothesmen came into my office to show me the warrant and had me signed it. I was arrested one month later. saying that he wanted to buy me drinks. "You don't know the way out?" He was right." He laughed even more. "You really don't have to do this. She can certainly help you. He lowered his head without saying anything. I don't want to say too much about the case. I had done a lot to try to protect myself. but I was unusually calm that day. I picked up my own things and handed him a calling card. I can go sooner or later by myself. You can pay me back later. If you have no place to go." "¡K" He didn't say anything. I should get out myself. I just felt that my heart had been hurt so much it had become numb. After that. OUR SEPARATION was absolute this time." Then he started to put on his clothes. Our first fight was over this. I was not a brave man. He just stood there. I could see a long time ago that you are again tired of me. Wait till your passport is okay. I've been tired of that a long time. you were convinced that I meant only money to you. He looked at me quietly. I did not have time to experience this agony of love anyhow. "I won't spend the night here this time. you can just borrow from it. I stuck out my hands to let them cuff them. This is a chance. He looked ghastly. except that I remember the day when I was arrested. I thought he must have been touched. then call her. But I had found that in . Before that. "Right from the beginning. lanyu had called me on the phone twice. just burn these and throw them into the rubbish bin. You are ashamed? But I am even more ashamed¡KAll I have given was a few lousy dollars?! Humph!" I laughed at myself. You've been evading me and now you want to send me away to America.

I was caught because there had been a power struggle high up. except that my backing was not strong enough. Especially my mother. The assets under my name and my company's name had all been frozen. Anyway. everybody was doing the same thing. The investigation was still going on. Only the give and take of feelings was the worthiest treasure Soon. I could be sentenced to death. illegal fundraising¡KYou can come up with a lot of reasons if you really want to get someone. just like my own mother. Your mom is my mom. After so many years messing around in the business circle. I began to review my whole life. "Relax! Han-tung. I will feed her and bury . all friends were friends no more." I thought about not having satisfied my mother's most basic request. At that time. I no longer worry about whether I was a homosexual or heterosexual. but he did not understand. I didn't worry much about Lanyu. I was still too much of an intellectual. including bribery. The executives had all left. I had done a lot of bad things. I was so ashamed. Then I saw Liu Qsing. this was such a trivia when you were staring death in the face. And he had never told me he loved me. The lawyer told me that the case could drag on for a long time. Basically. my company had stopped functioning. I had found out that there was a chance for the better. Liu Qsing was trying everything to make connections to get me out of prison. I was accused of a lot of crimes. conspiracy in smuggling. as if when a big tree fell. Liu Qsing told me a lot of news. the monkeys would scatter every which way. "She gets by! Don't worry. I was only a small fry caught in the crossfire. I was given a chance to meet Liu Qsing alone in the office of the pretrial department. back to top CHAPTER TEWNTY-SEVEN I WAS locked up in a sub-station. I'm her son. and now she had to face the fact that her son was in prison. What would my death mean to her.a time like this. I was also not ruthless enough. At first I could see no one except that incompetent lawyer. I just felt regret. I could understand. He was the only love in my life. Now I go to see her almost everyday. "My mother is all right?" I asked Liu Qsing after talking about the case. the only people I could think of were my mother and Lanyu. I was given the task of writing explanatory information. The situation seemed horrible at the beginning. so maybe I deserved this." "Please! Brother! See her more for me. But the injustice of it was that so many people were more evil than I and they were living better than most people.

She asked if there was anything she could do to help. everybody is trying to help you. It was in Lanyu's handwriting: Han-tung. Finally one day. "Lin has also called to give her regards! She's quite worried about you. We were virtually becoming friends. this was my real friend. He asked me to bring it to you. We had never addressed each other like that. I was just locked up like that." I said. Especially the latter. for no matter how long. I saw Lanyu standing far away at the side of a car. Lanyu and I sat in the back of the car with Liu Qsing driving. You can imagine what prison life was like. no legal procedure at all. "He called and couldn't get to you. here's a note from Lanyu.her¡K" My eyes were red. You can come out for sure. I was hurting. We didn't say anything. He had placed his hand on mine hesitantly. You are in debt to me all your life. His eyes were firm and stubborn. He said again. "Thanks!" I said. Maybe because I had not seen him for a whole summer. Because I have agreed with Kuo Ti (the trial clerk) that I was to see you alone. I was free. I squeezed his hand tightly. I will wait for you. that's what you have said and you can't go back on your own words. Arrested for no reason at all and released for no reason at all. he looked unusually tanned and lean. "That woman is a little too scheming. He came with me today. I looked outside the window. He must be hurting too. I felt my hand being touched. It was Lanyu. must take care of yourself!! Yu I looked at the word Yu. as if trying to find something missing on me. The prosecutor and the man from banking investigation were quite nice to me though. Coming out of the front door of the substation with Liu Qsing and the lawyer. He and I must end right here and now. and was returning alive to this city I was so familiar with¡KSuddenly. he has to wait outside. But we did not let go. his bright pupils filled with emotions." Liu Qsing said as he produced a note from his pocket. Lanyu had taught me that. and tears streamed down my face nonstop. I looked at him. There was no trial. but she is not bad to you. I am waiting! You must. Friends. When we looked at each other. Two men's hands holding together with all our might." "Tell him to get out of the country fast. but Lanyu's eyes were on me all the time. but I understood what he meant¡K "How come he knows about me?" I asked Liu Qsing. but holding on . he sized me up and down. I was told that I could go." Liu Qsing would always speak in her defense." "Don't mention her!" I was feeling real bad. You must have faith. He was worried and asked me. "Yes. Liu Qsing did not answer that. ¡K IT WAS a very hard March.

The rest of the assets were refunded. "Let me buy it. "I want to take a bath first. I turned to look at Lanyu." Said Liu Qsing. "How about going to my place?" Suggested Liu Qsing. Such a pity. "You hungry? Let's go get a meal? I'll treat" Lanyu suggested." Said Liu Qsing.even tighter¡K. ¡K Liu Qsing drove the car to my home. Just to celebrate Han-tung's safe return. "She's all right. "Drink up!" He raised his glass to me¡K THE CASE was finally closed. Pretty soon. And we cursed from time to time. That was what he had done for a friend. The only two people I could think of in my moment of life and death. Liu Qsing had taken out all of his three hundred thousand dollars savings to help me get out. Lanyu said he would wait for us in the car. "Don't mention it. Inside the house. trying hard to keep calm myself. it was fined a hefty sum. I was quite satisfied with ." I laughed. but he looked happy. "Thanks for your note. I saw my mother gradually turned to smiling. And I don't want to eat out!" I hated eating in restaurants. We decided to go to Liu Qsing's place. such as evading and omitting paying tax. I stepped in front of her and she gripped my arms with both hands real tight. and they could not stand beside me at the same time. My mother appeared at the doorway before Liu Qsing and I could go in. As long as she could see me. I must repay you!" I could speak from my heart when I was drunk. "Where are you going? I'll give you a lift. Lanyu drank very little." He smiled easily. listening to Liu Qsing and I cursing at the general unfairness of the world. I lied to my mother that I had some important business to tend to in my company and got out with Liu Qsing. It was a gathering for men. So long as you can get out. I could not have stayed on in that hell hole. even though I had not had any decent food for months. the room was filled with the smell of alcohol and swirling with thick cigarette smoke. My mother cried even more¡K My sisters and Liu Qsing came up to comfort her. He was silent but listening to us with interest. Then she bawled. I was the first to get drunk. here's to you! I must pay you back! We are friends for better or worse. "It's all right. mom! What are you doing! Isn't this well enough?" I was stifling a sob. the money is well-spent. "How come your are out so quick? Is our mom better?" Lanyu asked with concern. The old woman finally stopped crying. All charges against me were dropped for lack of evidence. and I started to think of Lanyu in the car outside. But because there were a lot of problems with the company. Liu Qsing was somewhat inebriated. I held her. "Liu Qsing." Liu Qsing raised his glass and drank bottoms up with me.

And I had also learned something in it. I looked at him. I began to live modestly and naturally. caressing his hair gently with my fingers tangled in it. "I was worried you couldn't take it. "I want you! Unless I died. It had changed my outlook towards life." "I thought you had forgotten about me!" I said. I lay in his arms as he studied me and kissed me from time to time. why did you sign just the word 'yu' on the note you gave me?" I asked. He really was a little different from when I had first met him. Security had asked me to write information and details¡KI was so worried about you. all the leaders in the company wanted to talk to me. when he looked at me. "Tell me. We kissed with deep emotions¡KI raised my head to look at him. back to top CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT IN LANYU'S tiny apartment. I turned over to get up.such an outcome. again so relaxed. He laughed. He was a little thinner than when we got together again. I could still make a come back. okay?" My eyes were gluing to his as I said that. "Unless you think I'm too old for you!" I said. when he looked at me. "You want me to pay you back. eyes and nose. "Have I changed a lot?" I asked." He was not good at expressing himself. Before. "Not much. He laughed but did not answer. This excited me more than a thousand words of sweet nothings. I was lucky to escape with my life. . meaning the way I looked after getting out of prison. I licked him carefully and he also responded by sticking out his tongue. How?" "Do what you think fit. and that was enough. took him in my arms and studied him carefully. Why? Was it that it pained him to be with me? I lowered my head and with my moist lips kissed his brow." He laughed. "What if we grew old?" He asked. There was this extra sophistication across his eyes and brows. but I understood. Although I was hurt bad financially. there would be this uneasiness and doubt in his eyes. let's just go on like this. Just leaner. That was one huge disaster in my life. Then slowly moved to his lips. But now. I lowered my head even more. he was sure of himself and frank. I remembered that when I first got the faxes. Why didn't he tell me he loved me? But I could feel it.

I dropped Lanyu off at his workplace. I could only sit there looking at him.He still laughed. "You are a drug. we made love as if there was no tomorrow. Lanyu was extremely turned on. That night. "Waiting for you to get married again." I was surprised and couldn't understand. "Yeah." He was still laughing. relaxed. "It's off a long time. I swore to myself that unless Lanyu was tired of this kind of life. "Waiting for the next rehabilitation!" He said. "He must know a lot about us?" I asked. I couldn't understand. hearing his words. I thought about my life. I never told him. He must have observed my frustration. We had known each other for seven years." He said again. but I am touching it again. "I never told anybody about us. "Why?" "I don't want to share it with anyone. EARLY MORNING. Looking at his smile. Or going out with someone else. letting him sleep in my arms. "So you are addicted again. I knew feeling was most important to him. I know I shouldn't touch it." He laughed and said." ¡K. that it would ruin my life. and a little disappointed. "So when do you think this rehabilitation would take place?" I guessed that he was hinting we would eventually go separate ways. I would stay by his side forever. not serious at all. He absolutely distrusted me. we started to get busy again in our own different ways. I was excited too but I did it with real care. when the sun rose in the east. indulging in the joy of sex madly. God! It's such a coincidence that we both regarded each other as a drug. my feeling was indescribable. His laugh made me so helpless. my mother and the days and nights in prison. What are you going to do?" I tried to act casually and asked.' "Then it's through between you?" "¡K" He did not answer. "He knew nothing. my career. Afterwards. I could say nothing." "He's gone?" I asked. I was awake almost all night. And he slept soundly. He turned around to press his face against mine and kissed with me once again. but still he was willing to be with me without a care in the world¡K "Can you go abroad this year?" I tried to change the subject and asked him about his plan of leaving the country. as if afraid he would melt in my arms. dazed and in silence. but I had never dreamed that he would be so obsessed. .

But he did his work well. He said the owner of the room might come back next year. nor mentioned the future. I could imagine. killing off all the Japanese." . then lifted one eyebrow with disgust. "I was joking! I thought you were fond of that girl!" I had to find an excuse for myself. He was very busy. One day. It was a knot in Lanyu's heart. That day. Lanyu never talked about the past. We were happy now. I teased him. "You are doing real fine. and also in mine. back to top CHAPTER TWENTY NINE WHEN I was staying at Lanyu's place. It's meaningless. he told me happily that the boss had given him a raise. that he wanted to be another Hitler. I had already given up the reserved room at the hotel and sold the houses at 'Temporary Village' and 'Movement Village' because I needed cash. "He wants to raise the rent?" I asked. That Japanese boss was hard on him." He was gleeful. He always told me that these foreign bosses were so mean. That day. It was hard but fulfilling. we would surely be much happier.then went back to my company to try to salvage something. and immoral too. Both of us avoided talking about money. It was like returning to the beginning. I stayed almost every day at Lanyu's small apartment at 'Tsing Huo'." He said. "That would be hurting her. "Then why don't your grab the chance and bag her?" He looked at me bewildered. and that was what counted. I said he was an extreme nationalist and he said I was right. When Lanyu climbed into the car. "I have asked. A very pretty girl came out with him and they were talking and laughing. Landing a pretty girl like that. Lanyu told me that the landlord wanted the place back next year. "I won't! I won't get married this whole life! I can't understand why most of us eventually choose marriage. I often thought if we had not met each other under such unusual circumstances." I realized that I had a slip of tongue. I was waiting for him from afar opposite the entrance of his company. he was responsible for most of the expenses except when eating out. Except going back to my mother's occasionally. I joked that I was seeking refuge in him after the fall. So we went to a restaurant and I made him pay dearly." "It is her that won't leave me alone. He did not believe in the future. "Ho-hum!" I laughed dryly.

I pretended to be still asleep to see what he was up to. I smiled stiffly." I thought for a moment. Since I found out that Lanyu had accepted that fortune. . If you really don't like that house. "Forget it. "This stinking Lanyu. I felt that we were even. It happens that I need the cash now. "I have already sold it!" He said lightheartedly. I shouted loudly."Then find another place. in particular rubbing up and down at my penis. but when the time came you would be a little bigger. "Haven't you said you have given it to me? Changed your mind again?" He seemed to challenge me deliberately." He laughed even more." He laughed suavely. He must have been unhappy. He turned off the gas stove and looked at me smiling. "It's very hard to find. just went on making his fry rice with egg. I couldn't help laughing. "Haven't you told me that if I didn't like it." He laughed and said. Three hundred eighteen thousand American. SUNDAY MORNING. pressing on top of me. Even scrutinizing my lower part. "Sold it to whom? How much?" "A real estate man from Shenzhen." He said scrutinizing me. And I no longer felt guilty. Money! Lin Tsung-ping had said that I thought too much about money. I was still sound asleep when I felt someone groping all over my body. then probed carefully. "You don't agree?" I asked. "What are you doing?" He gave a start. then acted as if he was studying my body carefully. "I'm a map or what? You need to study me like that?" I laughed too. "I had never studied you properly. I'll sell it." He still didn't answer. "Or maybe we could go back to 'Scandinavia'?" He didn't say anything. then flopped into my arms. "Ha! I was thinking why was it that we were almost the same size at ordinary times. I was so surprised I was speechless. I didn't need to be so careful towards him like before. "You love me that much?" "Right!" He was still laughing as he reached under my jacket. just sell it? I listened to you. He peeled away my blanket and licked my body. It was true. I didn't know if I should be glad or worried about this unexpected news. I shuddered. What a nuisance!" I thought laughingly." I said. I passed him the salt and studied his expression carefully. I did not ask him what he had done with the money.

"Like milk¡Kadding some fish soup?" He said. "This doesn't count. He always smiled that uncertain smile¡KI lowered my head and sealed his mouth abruptly with my mouth. We rolled on the bed and kissed fervently¡K Enough kissing and I again performed fellatio for him ¡KHe called out my name the split second before he spurt. He went to get a ruler. you're not. He laughed. "Love me?" I asked scowling. Ever since we were together again. "Why."I am bigger at ordinary times. I stopped and gripped his chin. you ate it?" "So what? It's nutritious. I looked at him." I said as I wiped off some of the residue on his body and delivered it to his mouth. You taste it too. but I still sucked him greedily¡KHe climaxed. I started to perform fellatio for him. then. God damned it! I hated his laughter. I backed off hurriedly¡K Lanyu looked at me in astonishment." I said." "Get a ruler to measure it if you don't believe it. He tried to duck laughing but was to late as I smeared it squarely on his mouth. But when he saw my cock again. He frowned. He frowned and tasted it. I was drunk. I felt a hot stream of liquid shooting at my throat. "Say it!! Let me hear it!" I released my hand and demanded harshly. so sweetly and enchantingly. This is absolutely not ordinary time!" He laughed. "With my mouth!" I said." "No. he said. looking at me. We laughed at each other. then jumped off the bed and raced each other to the bathroom¡K back to top CHAPTER THIRTY IT WAS a weekend with warm sun and soothing light breeze. Why should I force him to say it? He didn't want to lie. I had not been able to fathom how deep his feeling was about me. He wriggled free and laughed. "Let me measure yours!" I said. "¡K" He looked at me but said nothing. Lanyu . became emotional and nodded with effort. We kissed. "With what?" He asked. I was so infatuated with him I couldn't help myself. then reared up and held him. under my scrutiny. "I love you! I really love you!!" I gripped his chin tightly again and confessed from deep within my heart. He must have been made uncomfortable by my grip.

"You're not going away?" I asked. I admired him. "The moon in America is rounder than that here. It was a remote place where we would not be disturbed. The net breaks even though the fish dies!" "Great! That's the spirit of a 'China U' graduate. without a care in the world Then we laughed loudly. I was a little tired but I went with him. He laughed too. "Not unless you go with me. "What if I won't go?" "Then forget about it! Beijing is quite nice!" He said without discrimination. "Who's been crying? I had no choice. "Humph! The worst is getting hurt." "What if there were three of them?" "They still may not be our match. okay?" He looked at me seriously. "We still have you. Get up fast." He said. I grabbed him into . "Perk up!" He said as he saw me yawning all the time.suggested that we go outdoors to spend some time." He laughed. We came to a hill west of Beijing. He stayed in my arms. facing the liberation of the whole nation!!" We sang at the top of our voices. On his face." I said as I tried to push him up. right?" He mocked me. forward march." "What if there were a lot of them?" I asked him again. "Our nation's hope is on our shoulders. gazing at me too. Lanyu's head was resting on my thigh and he was looking up at the sky. "Look at you! What are you afraid of? Let him come! He is not my match!" He laughed recklessly. He sat up. "Seems the sky in Beijing is bluer than that of my hometown. Our team is facing the sun. we are an invincible force¡K" I sung along happily. We wanted to find some place with no people around. Reckless enough!" I laughed looking down at him. facing the victory of revolution. I was seeing not just the handsome of a young man. but also a stunning and youthful strength. our footsteps on the earth of our homeland¡K" He started to sing with zest." I said. Again. I heard some voices vaguely. "What if there were two of them?" I asked. "The sky in America is even more bluer than this. "Don't you know that I'm getting old? Sing a song to pick me up!" "What am I going to sing?" He thought about it¡K "Our team is facing the sun. "¡K¡KForward march. He had the kind of courage I would never have. "Isn't it you who have been crying to get out?" I mocked him too. He drove. I gazed at him. Let's go together. "Somebody seems to be coming.

The sky was exceptionally blue. At noon. peeling away the white sheet¡K I saw it. I was in time for that negotiation and the result was good. The leaves on the tree had already shed and scattered. It was a person's face. covering the bald face of the road. I returned from 'Tai-Hsia' happily. I. "You sit down first!" He said as he pushed me onto the couch. you must prepare for the worst¡K" He began with difficulty. Early in the morning. Chan Han-tung would turn the table entirely. He said he would hire a car himself. I was ushered into the office by Liu Qsing. He was here. The minute I set foot inside the door. "What's the matter?" I was curious. but I just didn't know what to say. We got out of bed hurriedly. far away. His moist lips were against my face. With us were the bright sunlight and the silent hills. wasn't he! I leaned down and gripped his shoulders with my hands. compensating for the chill left by the inadequate heating. Those were his arms. I WAS like having fallen into a cloud. feeling nothing. "Han-tung! Are you all right?!" I vaguely heard Liu Qsing's voice.my arms. the warm sunlight streamed into our small apartment. all bloodied. and cold¡K I looked at him with eyes he had known so well. We agreed that I would pick him up in the evening. as if from far. I laughed!! I knew that was Lanyu. washed and went on our own ways. "The taxi he was riding in collided with a truck¡KHe was instantly¡KThe traffic department just phoned here¡K" "¡K" Tears were streaming down my face. Both Lanyu and I were up late. "What happened?" I shouted. I followed Liu Qsing half-consciously to that certain hospital. Would it be that my mother¡K "Lanyu was in a traffic accident!" "¡K" I opened my mouth. . all covered with white sheets¡KThey stopped in front of one of the beds. We embraced tightly¡KI closed my eyes and kissed him. I was going to make a bundle. the straight nose. "Han-tung. I couldn't see those bright eyes. floating lightly. Except they were now exceptionally rigid. and that was imminent. Lanyu laughed and had me kiss him. I had an important appointment I did not want to miss and Lanyu was the kind that hated to be late. I asked if he wanted a lift. Before getting out. very tense. making it look fuller and more solid. Inside were a lot of beds. unable to comprehend. He looked tense and serious. then vaguely followed Liu Qsing and another person in a big white robe into a room. BEIJING WAS crisp and dry in the golden autumn. We kissed. as fervently as two people having just fallen in love¡KThat was the first time we embraced and kissed outdoors. I pecked him once on the cheek just to get it over with. It was so familiar.

He must have been hinting at something¡KAnd I just went through the motion kissing him¡KHow could I have been so stupid!! I moved closer to his face. Yes! He had me kissed him this morning. I felt someone pulling at me.So what? I knew that was he. It was so drab and lifeless. I held on to him and wouldn't let go!! "Oh! Oh!¡K" The sound came from inside my throat. He rarely did that. that wide chest which I had kissed and caressed countless of times¡K Seemed that somebody was dragging me hard. but there was nothing I could do¡K back to top CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE AUTUMN IN Beijing was no longer my favorite season. calm down. I had told him at the time not to fold them. like a dying man struggling. just you watch!! I no longer have to cover up or to hide. Go to hell! You want to laugh at me? Go on laugh! I can't just leave my loved one like this. I want to stay by his side!!! You can sing about your love and hold your loved ones to kiss in the public. I let myself drop down on the bed. Saying. Finally opening up and really cried¡KThe heart-wrenching weep of a man echoed through the house¡K I could not stay at 'Tsing Huo'." Go to hell!! You living people and dead people. sitting there and buried my head in the clothes. It was so comfortable but at the same time so horrifying. I wanted to make up for that kiss on that mass of mangled blood and flesh¡K Finally. "Han-tung.the enchanting lips. I dared not touch that glass¡K I went into the bedroom. During the following week. with the ice cold wind sweeping away everything. with the unfinished water still inside. All his things were still there. His body warmth was no longer on them. and did not want to go home even more. not one item missing. I once again stepped into the small apartment at 'Tsing Huo'. But why was their owning not returning? The blankets on the bed were folded.¡KWith all my might. why can't I mourn my dead loved one?!! I watched his chest. I want to let him dissolve in my hands¡KHe is not dead! He may wake up any minute. I was like a . I'm sure he needs me! I want to hold him tight. There was only the snarling black blood¡K. The glass left behind that fateful day was still on the table. that we were pressed for time. So I just stayed at the office. He has said that I would pick him up this evening. but he said he just couldn't stand my messy way¡KI picked up the clothes he had gotten out of. I want to hold him. I didn't have to see to know. I cried. I was lifted by a great force and I became farther and farther away from him¡KI didn't want to take this.

I heard the door being pushed open and my mother came in. That day." I thought he wanted some of Lanyu's things to memorize him. but I made no sound. I didn't want her to see me the way I was. "No." "Er¡Kanything left?" He asked. "Has he left anything?" The tired old voice asked. She sat on the edge of the bed. "He hadn't told you?" "Told me what?" "The money was spent when you were in prison!" "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in astonishment. I lay on the bed half-awake. Then it dawned on me that he could be asking about money." She said. "Lanyu wouldn't let me. Lanyu's father called me." "¡K" . "You are saying this too late. to surprise you. three hundred and eighty thousand American dollars. "You know about Lanyu selling the 'Scandinavia' house?" I asked. I closed my eyes.walking corpse. "I know all about you.. I was at the brink of a nervous breakdown. you want any of them. I would not object you being together. I heard an old man's weeping at the other side¡K A few days later. But I had not found any document concerning this sum of money. I'll send them over. pretending to be asleep. I was ordered home by my mother. More tears came out from my eyes. Every minute. I stepped into the house. I called Lanyu's father on the phone as suggested by Liu Qsing. "Oh¡K" he seemed to want to say something." I heard the old woman weeping. acknowledged her and hurried into my room. I felt my mother's hands on my arms. I would expect Lanyu to materialize in front of me. happening so suddenly. My weight plummeted. he has left no words. "His good-for-nothing dad is thinking about the money he has left in a time like this! I don't know where he had put it. "Some clothes. books. Along came the hallucinations. And because it was an accident. But you can't raise the dead. Liu Qsing has told me everything. I asked Liu Qsing offhand. When I told him the bad news. "I know¡K" He sounded heavy. except a savings passbook containing a few thousand dollars. My tears streamed out once again. If that boy didn't die. always feeling that Lanyu was calling for me. I constantly turned around to see if there was any miracle happening. just like she had done when I was small. Rubbing up and down." I said silently in my heart¡K TWO WEEKS later. He said he would tell you." Liu Qsing looked at me in astonishment. I thought Lanyu must have had an estate. "Little Tung! I know you are feeling terrible. After I didn't know how long.

the door to my feeling has totally shut a long time ago. I do not have the kind of courage like Lanyu had to face my homosexual identity. We all thought you had been shot. But he fucking named the price at ten million!" "But didn't you say one million?" "Lanyu said that. But we couldn't come up with anything else¡K "To be honest. I am a Christian now. Then he remembered the 'Scandinavia' villa. He was a friend. Even if this thing happened to me." "My mother knew?" "Of course! That day we went home with you and Lanyu was waiting outside. I have immigrated to Canada and bought a house in West Vancouver. I had doubted if God would accept me. It was under his name and could be sold. Fuck!" "Then why did he keep it from me?' My eyes were brimming with tears as I asked perplexed. I thought he had told you a long time ago. I sold it in just one week. But when I really tried to borrow from her. I never said one million. I could not love my young wife. I used to look down on him very much. But I am doing my best to be considerate and take care of her. we were so desperate. I have become religious. and compassionate enough! Just that kind of relationship and he did great. "But where could we get the money? I had over three hundred thousand. He said he had never before in his life thought money was that important. Then our mom managed to find 'Li'. furnishing and the car included. Even Ai-tung and Tsing-tung (my two younger sisters) said they had no money. my wife may not be so concerned. But I admired him very much on this thing."When you first went in. long time. The old woman some six hundred thousand. Lanyu asked me everyday if there was news of you. this homosexual into his flock." back to top THE END THREE YEARS Later. Lin Tsung-ping had said she would help. "He said he wanted to play a joke on you. Besides." He said again. Three hundred and eighty thousand American. . When I was baptized. Who didn't know that the money would be like water poured down the drain? Lanyu was very desperate but there was nothing he could do. she stalled me by saying she couldn't come up with the cash¡K Couldn't blame them. I have remarried. I couldn't borrow from fucking nobody. the old woman had gone to the window and looked at him for a long.

to bear the torture and fire of hell together. 2002 Back to Home . looking at me in sadness. I vaguely see Lanyu walking towards me slowly. I will not have any regret. but there is not a shred of that drab. It is deep into autumn too. please let me be with him when I left this world. The smile is so natural. But now he is dead and I cannot make it up to him. Oh Lord! I have another request that you must grant. hearing behind me the laughter of my mother. and tell about our love on earth. Wherever you have sent this boy. shameless and decadent on Earth. I beg of you. Most of the trees are still green. He was so kind. He had hurt no one when he was on this Earth. with only a few golden yellow leaves having floated down onto the green lawn. holding his shoulders tightly with both my hands. merciful Lord. and let me make up to him. let us rejoice there together. If he was in hell. Amen. I was in love with a person. to stand behind him. the Holy Son and the Holy Ghost. I look up to see the setting sun at the end of the sky. then smiles lightly. innocent and eternal. In the chrysanthemum-red sunlight. pressing on his back. serene and bright¡K ___THE END___ 11 March. my wife and my daughter. The weather in Vancouver is nice. I am sitting in front of my doorway in the yard. In the name of the Holy Father.Now that I am one of His subjects. I often pray to him: Lord! Please hear the prayer of this one who has sinned. I have given him so much pain. The only thing he had done that he shouldn't was falling in love with someone he shouldn't and had an affair that was considered preposterous. please accept him into Heaven. then let me be in hell too. But this affair was pure. so righteous. If he was in Heaven.