This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Written by Larry Nehring
Larry Nehring 1342 Beach Pkwy., #1 Lakewood, OH 44107 LNehring@aol.com 216.965.8409
ACT 1 SCENE 1 HOTEL BAR Preshow karaoke, offstage, can be heard. It is a Thursday night between Christmas and New Years Eve. A typical watering hole in a hotel, with a couple of tables. The set is decorated with tacky decorations for winter and the holidays. There are even stockings for each employee. On each table is a candle. There are three entrances, the front door to the lobby is open and the music from the hotel’s other bar-- a karaoke room spills in. There is a door behind the bar to the kitchen, and a small hallway to the rest rooms. By the hall to the rest rooms there is a jukebox. AVERY, in his fifties, sits at the bar dressed in a nondescript sportcoat. He sips a glass of port. ZAK, followed by TIRESIAS, enters from the lobby door. TIRESIAS closes it as he passes. ZAK, puzzled, turns to look for a moment. ZAK is in his early 20s and steps behind the bar. Despite being dressed in his "uniform", he wears it with style. TIRESIAS, a man in his 60s, takes a seat at the bar. Neither ZAK nor AVERY pays any attention to TIRESIAS. ZAK Evening. AVERY Hi. ZAK You need anything?
AVERY Another port? ZAK Sure thing. Looks like the twenty? AVERY Yes. ZAK Name’s Zak. I’m on until we close. AVERY The juke box-ZAK Muted for the karaoke. Plays in both rooms, sorry. AVERY That’s okay. I like the quiet. AVERY gets up and heads towards the rest rooms. CADMUS bursts in from the rest rooms, almost bumping into AVERY. CADMUS is about the same age as Avery. He wears an expensive, but slightly tacky suit. CADMUS Karaoke, here I come! Stick around, Avery. Shit is going to happen tonight! Barkeep, I shall need a scotch and soda upon my return! Evening, gramps. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has entered the building! CADMUS exits towards the lobby. TIRESIAS watches him go. ZAK and AVERY exchange a look. ZAK Did he just call me, ”barkeep”? AVERY I believe so. TIRESIAS Gramps?! ZAK That guy’s unreal. Friend of yours?
AVERY Never seen him before in my life. AVERY exits toward the rest rooms. ZAK looks towards CADMUS’ exit, but appears to be addressing TIRESIAS. ZAK Twenty bucks says tonight’s gonna suck. TIRESIAS And not in a good way. ACT 1 SCENE 2 TIRESIAS’ phone chirps a message, which he quickly glances at. ZAK turns back to his work and TIRESIAS takes a bar napkin or other piece of paper and begins folding a piece of origami from it. While ZAK refills AVERY’s port glass and picks up the bar phone again. TIRESIAS finishes the origami then gets up and strolls around the room. ZAK Ryan? It's Zak. I know that Susan doesn’t like you to talk to any of your exes, so I am calling from a number she might not recognize. I'm sorry for causing a scene the other night, but you said we could remain friends, so I tried being friendly. It was Saturday night, you had to know I would be at Twist. A straight couple is a bit out of place there so I never expected. I wasn't stalking-- Look, if she’s going to behave like that-Cadmus re-enters. CADMUS Hey. ZAK Please, just call me. (hangs up) Yeah? CADMUS Did I say scotch and soda? Make it scotch rocks. Cadmus exits again.
ZAK Shit. ZAK notices TIRESIAS' origami. He stares at it for a moment. ZAK (CONT’D) I hate this place. He picks up the origami. TIRESIAS Finish your message. ZAK quickly dials again but hangs up before the call goes through. After a moment of thought, he dials again more slowly. TIRESIAS relaxes and returns to his seat. ZAK Come on, Ryan. Just call me back. I am stuck at the “haunted hotel” all night. Two years is a bit too long to be considered a "gay phase". Look, I'm sorry, but I... I love you. I fell for you and you said you felt the same. Just help me understand. If you don't call soon... He hangs up. ZAK (CONT’D) ... I won't be reachable. ZAK sets the phone down and pours himself a shot. TIRESIAS Just be patient. ZAK What a choice, a sad queen and an inhuman bitch. ZAK drinks his shot. ACT 1 SCENE 4 EVA enters, followed closely by DEVORA. EVA, in her late 30s, is dressed in a nice, but unremarkable suit. She is attractive, but unaware of this quality.
DEVORA appears to be in her 20s, dressed in a very professional suit. She is hyper-professional. EVA walks past TIRESIAS, but DEVORA slows, making eye contact with him. They both nod a cautious greeting. DEVORA Evening. TIRESIAS Evening. DEVORA Devora. TIRESIAS Not caring. EVA takes a seat at the bar. DEVORA scans the room. ZAK Evening. What would you like? EVA I'll start with a hot cup of tea after that drive. ZAK I have an herbal mint tea that should warm you up. EVA Sounds perfect. ZAK And then, the Middleton has a surprisingly good wine selection. Thank me very much. Maybe a Chambourcin? Just got one in. Red, not too spicy, but a very good warmer. EVA Perfect. ZAK Good. Where are you in from? EVA Pittsburgh. Usually a two hour drive, right? But I didn't listen to the weather reports. (MORE)
6. EVA (CONT'D) By the time the snow hit me full force I was more than half way. So I thought, "You only live once."
ZAK Worse ways to die. DEVORA takes a seat next to EVA. Neither ZAK nor EVA pays any attention to her. EVA Too late to turn back now. ZAK brings EVA's tea. AVERY enters from the rest rooms. ZAK Your tea? EVA Thanks. ZAK Start a tab? EVA Yes, please. Room Forty-two. DEVORA’s phone chirps a message. Both she and TIRESIAS pull out their phones to check. She studies the message and, satisfied, puts away her phone. ZAK walks to the computer to bill her drink, and EVA sits in silence. AVERY reenters and approaches the bar, lost in thought. DEVORA, watches him carefully. As he passes Eva Zak addresses him. ZAK Refilled your port, sir. AVERY Thank you. (to Eva)Um... Hi. EVA Hello. DEVORA Go away.
AVERY crosses to his drink, brings it to an empty table, and sits. CADMUS enters with a karaoke notebook, slips of paper, and a pen. CADMUS The Spoils of War! CADMUS nods to the people at the bar, but his gaze lingers on EVA. CADMUS (CONT’D) (To EVA) Hey. (to ZAK) I'm here. ZAK In the flesh. CADMUS Too true. (to Eva) Hey. EVA doesn't look up. DEVORA Keep your distance, you. Ignore him, Eva. Remember why you are here. CADMUS Whatever. As CADMUS turns away. ACT 1 SCENE 5 CADMUS takes the notebook to a free table and starts to flip through it. CADMUS’ cell phone chirps a message and everyone pulls out their phones to check. CADMUS nods at what he sees and continues picking a song. ZAK puts CADMUS’ drink on the bar and enters the charge on the computer, checking the name. CADMUS Thanks. CADMUS sets his phone on the table and crosses to the bar to get his drink.
CADMUS (CONT’D) Mmm, scotch. I have missed you. He turns to regard AVERY and then approaches AVERY's table. CADMUS (CONT’D) You know, I love the idea of karaoke. It’s a crap shoot of talent. AVERY Never considered it. CADMUS Could be brilliant, could be painful. Who knows, right? Mind if I join you? AVERY Well, I don’t know if I really want to socialize. CADMUS Just one drink? AVERY I hope you don’t think I’m rude. CADMUS Never. AVERY Look, I'm sorry, but I’d really like to be alone. CADMUS No one wants that. Name’s Cadmus. AVERY Pleased to meet you. But-CADMUS I’ve seen you. AVERY I'm not from around here. CADMUS Yes, you are. AVERY I'm really not-CADMUS Five minute walk.
AVERY How do you--? CADMUS Heard you tell the front desk when you checked in. You know, I think the first time we actually crossed paths was years ago. At the Grand Canyon. AVERY What? Cadmus sits at the table. CADMUS And once in college. Sorry about the skates. AVERY My skates? CADMUS They had to go. AVERY They were stolen from my locker. CADMUS And given to a needy kid. And remember the Aeropoint tower? I wouldn’t hold the elevator door for you? AVERY That's not funny. Those people fell to their deaths. How do you know all this stuff? Who are you? CADMUS No need to get upset. AVERY I've never met you before and you come up to me and you know these really specific things... Who put you up to this? CADMUS I just have to-- this once-AVERY Come on, who was it? It's too specific to be coincidence. Was it Ellen? CADMUS You know better than that.
AVERY Right. She won't even speak to me. CADMUS Sorry. AVERY I need something stronger. And my own table. AVERY stands and crosses to the bar. ZAK Another? AVERY The forty this time. You only live once. ZAK Very true. (to EVA) Ready for that Chambourcin? EVA Please. AVERY and EVA glance at each other. AVERY Sorry about before. EVA Before? AVERY I didn’t mean to disturb you. EVA When you said hello? AVERY Yeah. Sorry. DEVORA This is not your lucky night, guy. Back off. CADMUS Oh, shit! I have to pick a song! CADMUS crosses towards the notebook. As he does, his phone chirps a message. Everyone pulls out their phones to check. ZAK brings the drinks to the bar.
ZAK There you both are. AVERY Thanks. EVA Thank you. DEVORA Ignore him and he will go away. After a moment AVERY crosses to an empty table with his drink and sits. CADMUS Hey, Zak, any suggestions for songs? ZAK Start with something you know. CADMUS Greensleeves? ZAK That'll be entertaining. DEVORA crosses to CADMUS. DEVORA What is your deal? CADMUS I feel the need to sing. ZAK I'll alert the media. DEVORA What? CADMUS I have a song in my heart. ZAK God help us. DEVORA Wait. Did you... hear me? CADMUS Yes!
DEVORA What?! CADMUS American Pie, a classic! CADMUS fills out his slip. As he does his phone chirps. Everyone look at their phones. CADMUS leaves his on the notebook. DEVORA Impossible. CADMUS But how do I get him to...? DEVORA Unless-CADMUS brings the notebook and supplies to AVERY’s table. CADMUS You should sing a song tonight. AVERY No, thanks. CADMUS Come on. Take a chance. AVERY Why? CADMUS Think about it, at least. Okay? You only live once, right? ZAK I wish people would stop saying that. CADMUS Ladies and gentlemen of the bar, wish me luck! CADMUS downs his drink. He leaves everything on the table and exits through the lobby door. As soon as he leaves, his cell phone chirps. Everyone pulls out their own phones to check. DEVORA crosses to CADMUS’ phone. She does not pick it up but leans over to see the message.
DEVORA This is.... from head office! Oh, I am so going to bust you! (to Tiresias) Did you know--? TIRESIAS Not my business. DEVORA But this is a serious violation! TIRESIAS Policy states that you do not interfere with another counsellor’s assignment. Do your job, keep your nose clean, and move on to the next consumer. DEVORA I understand policy, but we have to at least report this. TIRESIAS Walk away. DEVORA And let him get away with this? TIRESIAS Again, not my problem, not your problem. ACT 1 SCENE 6 CADMUS re-enters, excited. As he crosses towards the bar, she tries to block his path. DEVORA Hello. Cadmus sidesteps her. CADMUS Hi. Hang on, I need a drink. Zak, he has my slip, my fate is sealed. And the next singer, Joanna, was hitting on me. ZAK You're fresh meat. CADMUS You should see the backup singers on her. ZAK I have. You got a text.
CADMUS Oh, right. Duty calls. CADMUS crosses to get his phone and reads the message. CADMUS (CONT’D) Yeah, yeah. Under six hours, I know! Zak, how about another drink? CADMUS returns to the bar. ZAK What'll it be? CADMUS What tastes good? Sometimes I forget tastes and smells, you know? ZAK Whatever. CADMUS What’s he drinking? ZAK Who? ZAK turns to look. TIRESIAS shakes his head and gives the finger to the entire bar in a grand way. Only Devora reacts at all. Tiresias shrugs. CADMUS Uhh... never mind. You have a favorite? ZAK A Fuzzy Navel. CADMUS Is that a real drink? ZAK Is the Pope Catholic? CADMUS Depends on whose rules you follow. I'll have one of those, and two shots. ZAK Of?
CADMUS Anything. ZAK Okay. CADMUS And another of those ports that my good friend Avery is drinking. ZAK Two port drinkers in one night. There and a dusk. right CADMUS is nothing like a pipe of fresh tobacco good Madeira on the deck of a whaler at Have you ever...? No, of course not. Be back. CADMUS, singing to himself, crosses to the lobby door and peeks through. DEVORA turns to TIRESIAS. DEVORA We have to do something. TIRESIAS I never interfere. DEVORA But he-- Look at him! TIRESIAS You are on your own, kid. ZAK Here you are, Mr. Robinson. One Fuzzy Navel, one port, and two Jaegers. CADMUS Thanks. Oh, that is good! Peach and orange. ZAK Fuzzy and navel. CADMUS takes the drinks and walks back to AVERY's table. CADMUS Please consider these a peace offering.
AVERY Thank you, but no. No need to apologize, just let me sip my port in peace. Please. CADMUS Your father, poor soul, could never say, "No," to a drink, could he? AVERY Okay, I don’t know who sent you to check up on me, but I’m fine! I know I haven’t been out and about much, but its only been a couple months. Tell whomever it was that I appreciate the thought. I’ll be back on my feet soon and then I’ll get back in contact with everyone. CADMUS Are what if you don't? DEVORA steps closer to CADMUS to eavesdrop. AVERY You don’t know me. We’ve never met but you have done your homework. My friends have finally stopped trying to help me. Or so I thought. I am fine. I have no plans to do anything rash. I just need time. CADMUS So much life gets missed that way. AVERY You don’t have two hearts do you? CADMUS No. Why? AVERY Wishful thinking. DEVORA (to Cadmus) What are you playing at? AVERY Look, just tell me. Tell me who you are, who sent you. Make it interesting. Maybe I’ll stick around for a few minutes. Pause. CADMUS I am your Guardian Angel.
DEVORA What?! AVERY That was unexpected. Go on. CADMUS I have watched over you-- (to DEVORA) You need something? DEVORA Shit! AVERY Who? DEVORA rushes back to TIRESIAS. CADMUS Women, huh? AVERY What? CADMUS Never mind. Drink up. CADMUS sits at AVERY'S table. DEVORA This is bad! Eva, we have to get away from him. EVA finishes her wine, rises, and takes her coat. ZAK Done for the evening? EVA No. Just feeling agitated all of a sudden. I’m going to take my coat to my room. I'll be back in a few minutes. DEVORA No, you won’t. EVA Maybe. EVA exits to the lobby, followed by DEVORA. DEVORA Not my problem now.
AVERY Unbelievable. Is every "Guardian Angel” this amusing? CADMUS Some more than others. ZAK Anything else? I have to run some room service upstairs. CADMUS Another round when you get back? ZAK nods and exits to the lobby, followed by TIRESIAS. AVERY Ellen didn't send you. Then who? CADMUS You're right, she wouldn’t. But she should. AVERY Why do you say that? CADMUS You saved her life. AVERY I ruined her life. Her husband was my best friend. CADMUS Big asshole. AVERY You didn’t know him. CADMUS Never wanted to. Huge asshole. AVERY He and I have been friends since the second grade. Had been. CADMUS Their marriage was dead. AVERY Because of me.
CADMUS You? He had been sleeping with his students for years. AVERY I didn't know that at the time. CADMUS Neither did Ellen. AVERY But she and I got caught! CADMUS And he called her a whore at the Provost's retirement dinner. Classy. AVERY He was such an asshole. CADMUS Told you. So I leaked the info to the news about his "tutoring sessions. AVERY That was you? We all lost our jobs! CADMUS No. He got fired. You quit. She was already hired at Fredonia. Dean of Student Affairs. Talk about ironic. AVERY The damage has been done. CADMUS You should try to get her back. AVERY I did-CADMUS Really? AVERY Yes! She told me-CADMUS --in an email-AVERY --that she wants a fresh start.
CADMUS Thought she was your soul mate. AVERY I did, too. CADMUS So much hope. AVERY This has stopped being fun. CADMUS Why didn’t you ask her out back in grade school? AVERY Because Bill asked her out first. CADMUS Did he know you had a crush on her? AVERY Of course. After the poem-CADMUS “Realio, trulio, little pet dragon.” (pause) You dated other women. AVERY None of them were her. CADMUS Did you really give them a chance? AVERY Why am I opening up to you like this? CADMUS I have that effect-AVERY After the hell of this summer I have pushed away everyone who was a part of my life, and just when I am... myself again, I start pouring my heart out to a complete stranger. CADMUS They say a stranger is the best confidante. They know nothing about you. AVERY But you seem to know a hell of a lot about me.
CADMUS True. AVERY So what if you are my guardian angel? CADMUS That appeal to you? AVERY Not really. CADMUS When you figure it all out, it will be a relief. CADMUS drinks. AVERY I don't believe in angels. Good night, and thanks for the drinks. AVERY stands. CADMUS Don’t go. CADMUS stands. AVERY Good night. CADMUS Wait. Don't make me-AVERY crosses for the lobby door. CADMUS lowers his head in concentration. CADMUS speaks now in an unearthly voice without moving his lips. This voice stops AVERY in his tracks. CADMUS (V.O.) Avery Thomas Mann hear me as i name you. The day of your birth was the twenty-second of September. Named by some as Hobbit Day. Being the cusp of Virgo and Libra with a Taurus moon. Your parents were divorced when you were eleven. AVERY Facts, but you don't know me.
CADMUS (V.O.) Love, to you, is an unattainable ideal. Ellen Blumenthal was the Saint Elmo’s fire which you used to avoid the pain your parents shared. In your sophomore year in college, you lost your virginity to Kathleen Brennan-AVERY Everyone in the Drama House knew that. CADMUS (V.O.) While her crayon portraits of Count Dracula and other literary figures glared down at you from the walls? AVERY turns to face him. AVERY Why is your voice--? CADMUS (V.O.) At the university Gail Oronski snuck into your room the last night of your junior year. AVERY Your lips aren't moving. CADMUS (V.O.) You sent her away. AVERY I had a huge final to write! CADMUS (V.O.) You could have taken an incomplete. She would have married you in a heartbeat. Remember her eyes? AVERY Yes, they were so big and beautiful. CADMUS (V.O.) Just like her breasts. Even I have to admit they were impressive. AVERY But she-CADMUS (V.O.) Took off her own top and you stopped her! AVERY It wasn’t easy!
CADMUS (V.O.) And you have regretted it ever since. AVERY So, you know about my love life. Big deal! CADMUS (V.O.) Your secrets. You completely rewrote that novella for your friend Aaron and let him take all the credit. AVERY He needed the time to get cleaned up. It was the best cover for his sabbatical. CADMUS (V.O.) And you captured his style better than he ever could. And now the hardest one. You never wrote that character statement for Alan. AVERY I... I meant to! I just was busy and forgot, and then it was too late. No one knows about that! Not even Ellen. CADMUS’ voice has returned to normal. He steps close to Avery. CADMUS You still blame yourself for his verdict. AVERY What kind of friend does that? Everything else should have waited. CADMUS It is called life. He was caught in the witch hunt of the nineties. AVERY The judge, in her verdict, admitted that the model didn’t look underage. CADMUS The only reason the internet got its start was so people could share naked pictures. AVERY You really are-CADMUS Sit and have a drink with me. Please?
AVERY You really are my-ACT 1 SCENE 7 ZAK enters from the kitchen followed by TIRESIAS. ZAK I'm back. Ready for that next round? CADMUS Was Mussolini a bad tipper? ZAK I have no idea. CADMUS Yes, and yes. AVERY Just a water for me. ZAK pours the drinks for CADMUS and AVERY. AVERY (CONT’D) Your voice. How did you do that? CADMUS Was it too scary? Sorry, but I had to be convincing. AVERY Scary, yes, but somehow familiar. CADMUS You and I have a special bond. I have had to push you at times. AVERY You threw rocks at me at the Grand Canyon. I remember. CADMUS Words weren't always enough. ZAK Drinks are ready. Oh, and “Cadmus,”... CADMUS Yes?
ZAK The DJ says you’re up in four. CADMUS I’m-- what? ZAK Four songs, then your song. CADMUS Oh, okay! Fuck, I have never done this before. CADMUS rushes to the bar for the drinks. He starts with the fuzzy navel. ZAK You've never sung? CADMUS Not really. Rarely in public, and never with an audience. My voice vibrates my face. Takes a lot of getting used to. CADMUS returns to the table, carrying the drinks. AVERY Do you do this often? CADMUS What? AVERY Show yourself, drink with your person, sing karaoke? CADMUS No. Policy strictly forbids this kind of thing. But sometimes... Have you ever been so bored you just needed to do something crazy and reckless? AVERY No. CADMUS I knew that. My point is that when my consumer's life is boring, I have to do something. They say its dangerous but I disagree. With my string of recent assignments-AVERY Wait. Boring?
CADMUS Yeah. AVERY Sorry to disappoint you. CADMUS The most dangerous thing ever was that Grand Canyon trip, and you were ten. That ridge I chased you away from collapsed a few minutes later. AVERY Was anyone hurt? CADMUS A couple of newlyweds from Atlanta. AVERY Oh my God. CADMUS No worries. They were supposed to die. AVERY That's a horrible attitude. CADMUS Just my job. Nothing personal. AVERY It's inhuman. CADMUS Precisely. My job, so far, has been to protect you and you did it for me. Nearly fifty years of nothing. You refuse to fly, you drive below the speed limit, at summer camp you never even tried the cliff jump into the river. AVERY A fall from that height could have broken my neck! CADMUS I was watching over you. AVERY I didn’t know that. CADMUS But that is the age-- Hey, Zak, when you were ten, what was the most dangerous thing you ever did?
ZAK Got caught wearing my sister's confirmation dress. CADMUS Not quite what I meant. ZAK Dangerous in my house. CADMUS Thanks. ZAK Sure thing. CADMUS Bottom line, my job is you. AVERY Me? CADMUS Yes. I facilitate your closure. AVERY Closure? CADMUS The agency has been going through a politically correct phase. “Closure” is nicer than “Death” and you are my “Consumer”. AVERY Who decides? CADMUS A committee discussed the terminology-AVERY The closure. CADMUS I get the orders from my supervisor. AVERY God? CADMUS Not really. The agency is set up-AVERY So its not random?
CADMUS Oh, no. There is a plan. Never seen it, myself, but I am told there is one. AVERY Then every life has a purpose. CADMUS Not really. AVERY Everything has happened for a reason. CADMUS Well-AVERY I quit my job, my best friend hates me, and the woman I love has turned her back on me. I have nothing. CADMUS Yes. AVERY I've been looking at this all wrong. CADMUS Nope. AVERY It was all just preparing me. CADMUS Not true. AVERY I can become a writer! Finish that screenplay! CADMUS No time for that. AVERY Time travel and missing gold! CADMUS I hate sci-fi. AVERY I could write a play! CADMUS Please don't--
AVERY I can finally write the Great American Novel! CADMUS Definitely not! AVERY No? CADMUS No. AVERY But you just said-CADMUS You are but a cog in the machine of life. AVERY What the hell does that mean? CADMUS I have no idea. AVERY It's my time. CADMUS Yes. It's your time to... AVERY My time to what? CADMUS Die. Your time is up. Pause. AVERY When? CADMUS Tonight. AVERY Some kind of accident? CADMUS Suicide. AVERY But I wouldn't--
CADMUS It's why you came here tonight. So, let’s go sing some karaoke and get laid first! AVERY But-CADMUS Sorry. At least this way your last few hours will be fun. Drink up. ZAK I’ll be right back. Taking orders from the karaoke crowd. CADMUS and AVERY drink in silence. ZAK and Tiresias areheaded for the lobby doors as EVA and DEVORA enter. EVA I’m back. ZAK I will be soon. ZAK exits but DEVORA stops TIRESIAS. EVA crosses to the bar. DEVORA Is he still human? TIRESIAS And in rare form. DEVORA And you just watched him?! TIRESIAS Stop. Here there be quicksand. TIRESIAS exits. DEVORA What the hell does that mean? AVERY Wait, wait, wait. If you are my guardian angel-CADMUS Counselor, actually. AVERY And you have revealed yourself to me...
CADMUS Yeah? AVERY Against policy. CADMUS Can you lower your voice a little? AVERY Then you must have a reason! CADMUS Boredom-AVERY So you say, but that would make you are really superficial, but you are divine, so the converse must be true. CADMUS Converse? AVERY And if an angel is sent to tell me about my death-CADMUS I wasn’t sent per se. AVERY Then it must be with the sole purpose of preventing it. Therefore, I have a destiny! CADMUS Well-AVERY I have something great still to accomplish! CADMUS No. AVERY No? CADMUS Not exactly. AVERY Not exactly? CADMUS Well, not at all.
AVERY Not at all? I do have a destiny, though, right? CADMUS Sort of. AVERY Sort of? What am I supposed to do? CADMUS Die. AVERY Die? CADMUS You perish. AVERY I perish? Why? CADMUS Because. AVERY Because? CADMUS Please stop repeating what I say. AVERY Tonight? CADMUS Tonight. AVERY But you said-CADMUS That is your destiny. AVERY To kill myself?! What kind of destiny is that? A ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, a bottle of port, and an improvised noose? That's not a destiny. Its pathetic. CADMUS You would make that choice yourself left to your own devices. And I would watch. I get an update by phone and follow the instructions.
AVERY Everything's explained in a voice mail? CADMUS Or a text. AVERY Wait, angels have cell phones? CADMUS Sure. Cool tech. Easy to use. We get free long distance. And the new ones work surprisingly well across the dimensional membrane! AVERY This is insane. CADMUS And you know what the best part is? AVERY You are insane. CADMUS Free upgrades at any Radio Shack! AVERY What happens if I don't kill myself? CADMUS Have you tried that game with the birds? AVERY What would happen? CADMUS I arrange an accident. AVERY That's pretty cold. ZAK enters with TIRESIAS. CADMUS Look, Avery, you are a nice guy and I think-AVERY I hate that title! CADMUS It was your choice. You refused to play Chaotic characters in that dungeon game, remember? Not my fault.
AVERY That was a stupid game! CADMUS Now me, I am just a civil servant. I do my job, complete my tasks or I lose my status. That affects vacations, sick leave, retirement-AVERY Angels get a fucking pension?! Everyone looks at them. CADMUS (laughing) Hysterical! Ha-ha, "and the salesman says, 'Angels get a fucking pension?!'" Woo, awesome! I have to remember that one! Ha-ha! (softly) Please keep your voice down. CADMUS drinks the second shot. EVA Zak, could I get another? ZAK Chambourcin? EVA Something a bit sweeter. ZAK Will do. And “Cadmus”? CADMUS Yes? ZAK You’re up. CADMUS Up? ZAK The next song! Hurry or Collin will take your place and then everyone’ll want to kill themselves. CADMUS My heart is racing! And I am... more than tipsy? Avery? AVERY What?
CADMUS I would find you. AVERY What? CADMUS If you try to leave. AVERY How? CADMUS We are like the Mounties. We always get our man. Barkeep? Whatever Avery wants and one for yourself. Make them doubles. ZAK Sure thing. DEVORA Where the hell are you going?! CADMUS exits toward the lobby. DEVORA exits after him, reopening the door after it closes. AVERY crosses to the bar. AVERY Just a ginger ale for me. ZAK Did you see the door open by itself? AVERY What? CADMUS' phone on the table chirps. Everyone takes out their phones to check. ZAK Nothing. Your wine, ma’am? EVA Thank you. (To AVERY) He doesn't look like a Mountie. AVERY What? Oh! No, he's kidding. EVA That wasn't even their true motto.
AVERY No, it's like a fraternity thing, he and I. Networking. EVA "Maintiens le droit." ZAK brings AVERY’s ginger ale. ZAK So what’s the deal with that guy? AVERY What do you mean? ZAK He isn’t Michael Robinson. AVERY Michael Robinson? ZAK From Tacoma. AVERY No, he isn’t from Tacoma. Maybe they are coworkers. EVA But you went to school together. AVERY What? No, I just met him. ZAK Whatever. It's not my bill. AVERY Could you put her wine on my tab, too? And a generous tip for yourself. EVA Thank you. DEVORA reenters and rushes over to TIRESIAS. DEVORA Are you seeing this?! He has abandoned his consumer and is in there singing! ZAK There’s the door again.
TIRESIAS Stop using the door! TIRESIAS points at EVA and AVERY. DEVORA And you just sit here while his consumer flirts with mine? TIRESIAS I am going to my happy place. ZAK This place is more like The Shining every day. Oh, and the roads are officially closed according to the night manager. EVA I'm not going anywhere. AVERY Me neither, apparently. DEVORA Shit. DEVORA dials her cell phone. AVERY Are there rooms for staff? ZAK I'm not stuck here. I borrowed my dad's snowmobile. Hillbilly blood proves good for something in the suburbs. Which reminds me. Don't drink and drive, kids. ZAK takes out his keys and puts them in his stocking on the wall behind the bar. DEVORA Personnel, please. Devora, 6265. ... Yes, I need to report a coworker. ... Cadmus. I don’t know his number. He’s not exactly cooperating, hence the need to report him. He is in the other room singing karaoke. ... No, his consumer is in here hitting on mine. ... I know he would have to be in a body for that! Listen for yourself! DEVORA exits towards the lobby. ZAK sees the lobby door open and shut by itself.
TIRESIAS Not the door! ZAK The door again! EVA What? ZAK Do you believe in ghosts? EVA Not really. TIRESIAS Damn it. AVERY I never used to. ZAK All my life, little things-- you know?-- Doors open or close, things in my room get moved. EVA Really? ZAK And worst of all, I get this feeling, all the time, like someone is watching me. TIRESIAS I am going-EVA I get that sometimes, too. TIRESIAS -- To kill someone-ZAK My shrink says its just natural paranoia. TIRESIAS -- Before this night is over. AVERY What if it's not? ZAK That’s what I’m worried about!
TIRESIAS Back to my happy place. EVA But doesn’t everyone feel that sometimes? ZAK Not like this! Like there is some... old guy always... just there. TIRESIAS Great. EVA An old guy? AVERY How old? ZAK Ancient. AVERY Not your own age? Or maybe mine? TIRESIAS Crap. ZAK No, old. Ancient. TIRESIAS Fuckity fuck fuck. ZAK And he’s kind of crabby. TIRESIAS This is nothing. DEVORA storms in from the lobby. DEVORA But this is an emergency! ZAK Door! TIRESIAS And again with the door! ZAK runs to the door to investigate.
DEVORA I know! That is why I called! ZAK See? There’s nothing here! EVA I was afraid it was that guy coming back. AVERY Cadmus? DEVORA slides AVERY’S drink out of her way to the far end of the bar. ZAK notices the movement. EVA Your frat “brother”. ZAK Your drink! DEVORA What?! Shit! What did you say? AVERY "A little more than kin and less than kind." DEVORA What do you mean, me?! EVA Claudius to your Hamlet? ZAK I need a drink. ZAK pours three shots. AVERY More like Edmund to my Edgar. DEVORA But I called you! EVA Cain to your Abel? AVERY More than you can guess. Where’d my drink go? ZAK Down there. Drink these shots!
AVERY gets up to retrieve his glass, and DEVORA moves his bar stool. DEVORA You needed evidence! AVERY How did it get here? TIRESIAS I warned you! DEVORA (to Tiresias) You shut up! (to phone) No, not you! I have a witness you can ask. Here. She offers the phone to Tiresias. TIRESIAS Not a chance! DEVORA Why not? TIRESIAS Fuck off! DEVORA Fuck you, too!(to Avery) Asshole! EVA You must be a teacher. DEVORA (to phone) Not you! I called him an asshole! AVERY Its always follwed by, “You’re such a Nice Guy.” DEVORA moves AVERY’s ginger ale again. Again ZAK sees this happen. ZAK Holy shit! DEVORA Yes, I’ll hold! ZAK Is no one else seeing this?
AVERY Wait. Are you a “counsellor,” too? EVA Counsellor? No, publisher. DEVORA No. Eva is right here. ZAK starts to make a call on his cell phone. AVERY I was in the English Department here at John Carroll. EVA Past tense? AVERY I quit. Zak, who moved my drink? ZAK One sec. (in phone) Doc, I know you are out for the holidays and I’m supposed to call Dr. Evileye, your partner, but you know how much she freaks me out. My ghosts are fucking with me at work tonight. It started about twenty minutes ago. And if i see the ghost of some old guy, I am going to give you the biggest I-told-you-so you’ve ever seen! Zak hangs up. EVA Want a new job? AVERY What? DEVORA A job?! EVA Five days ago my editor quit. DEVORA For crying out loud! EVA Three weeks to deadline. DEVORA Too fucking much!
EVA One hell of an opportunity. DEVORA Dial tone? You hung up on me? TIRESIAS Very professional. DEVORA She hung up on me! TIRESIAS I heard. EVA My card? EVA hands him her business card. AVERY Eva Levantine. CEO, Levantine and Sons, Publishers. Impressive. DEVORA redials and exits through the lobby door. Zak, of course, sees this. EVA Mostly coffee table books. Photo essays and gift books. ZAK I need a drink. EVA But no children. AVERY Me, neither. EVA Not any more. AVERY Eva, I’m so sorry. EVA Its been ten years, but it feels like yesterday. AVERY Still....
Devora reenters. DEVORA She reported me for offensive language! TIRESIAS Devora, you have to stop this. ZAK No one else is seeing this! DEVORA I am trying with no help from you! TIRESIAS The door! You have to calm down. DEVORA He is singing! They are almost in bed together! You are not helping me! TIRESIAS That is not flirting. You are out of control. EVA I will find my peace very soon. AVERY Me, too, I’m told. Requiescat in pace. He offers a toast. DEVORA And now they are toasting! Devora rushes towards them. EVA To peace. As they toast DEVORA quickly reaches out and bumps EVA's glass, spilling the wine all over AVERY. TIRESIAS I have to get my client away from both of you. EVA Please, just let me clean it up. AVERY It's okay. Zak? A towel?
ZAK Here. ZAK tosses AVERY a towel. DEVORA’s phone rings. Both she and TIRESIAS check. TIRESIAS Zak, you have had enough to drink. ZAK I’ve had enough to drink. TIRESIAS You better check on the karaoke room. ZAK I’d better check on the karaoke room. TIRESIAS Bye. ZAK Bye. ZAK exits. TIRESIAS glares at DEVORA from the door for a moment before exiting. DEVORA’s phone is still ringing. DEVORA Eva, leave him alone. EVA Maybe I should leave you alone. DEVORA Move over there. EVA I’ll just move over here. AVERY It's okay, really. DEVORA Turn away from him. EVA turns her back on AVERY. AVERY Okay.
AVERY sits and turns away. DEVORA Now both of you stay where you are until I fix this. DEVORA crosses to the jukebox and carefully answers her phone. DEVORA (CONT’D) Hello. This is Devora, 6265. Of course, Director Moros. DEVORA moves upstage. We no longer hear her, but the conversation is animated. She is being bureaucratically chastised. EVA and AVERY glance over at each other. AVERY reaches over and picks up his glass of wine. He stands and pours his wine on his jacket. EVA But why did you--? AVERY Its just a jacket. My name is Avery. He offers his hand. EVA I should get you some club soda. AVERY No need to bother. EVA I wasn't kidding about the job. AVERY I guess I... can’t. DEVORA sinks into a chair. EVA That's okay. AVERY I’m flattered, but my life...
EVA I shot from the hip. AVERY Tonight my life got... complicated. EVA That’s okay. I’m out of time anyway. DEVORA hangs up. AVERY Me, too. It was nice meeting you. EVA You, too. AVERY retreats to his table and all three sit in silence. ALL THREE Shit. ACT 1 SCENE 8 CADMUS reenters triumphantly singing. DEVORA charges at him. CADMUS "I don't really know her, I only know her name. But she crawls under your skin, you're never quite the same. And now I know She's got something you just can't trust It's something mysterious And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her. She seems to have-DEVORA You son of a bitch! CADMUS Excuse me? DEVORA What the hell do you think are you doing?! CADMUS Celebrating the loss of my karaoke virginity! (he resumes singing) "--an invisible touch, yeah. She reaches in, she grabs right hold of your heart She seems to have an invisible touch.--"
DEVORA Keep your voice down, Mr. Cadmus. Why are you doing this to me? CADMUS Look, miss-DEVORA The name is Devora. CADMUS Miss Devora, I don't know who you are, what's your job, or why you're in my face, but I'm savoring music and contractions, so back off. DEVORA You smug son of a bitch. Who do you-- Do you have any idea--? (whispers) And keep your voice down! Cadmus walks away, towards Avery. CADMUS (whispers) Honey, I've only been in this body for an hour or so, and, as pretty as you are, I know that I have not touched yours. (aloud) Uptight Bitch is definitely not my type. AVERY What are you talking about? DEVORA You are making a scene. CADMUS Yes, we are. DEVORA But no one else can see me. DEVORA’s phone rings. DEVORA (CONT’D) (into phone) Yes, Director Moros. Right here, sir. CADMUS Shit. DEVORA I did swear, but not at her, sir. CADMUS So I am standing here talking to myself?
AVERY Yes. CADMUS crosses to an empty table followed by DEVORA. DEVORA His name is Cadmus, sir. CADMUS Is that...? DEVORA smiles. DEVORA Oh, you know about him already? It does not surprise me one bit, sir. CADMUS I need a drink. DEVORA Of course, sir. I will do whatever he instructs me to do. CADMUS Better to have lived and lost, than never to have lived at all. DEVORA And I will have the report on your desk as soon as my client is dead. Sir. I mean consumer. And closed! Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. DEVORA hangs up. DEVORA (CONT’D) (to CADMUS) Cadmus, 3482? CADMUS There is a simple explanation. DEVORA (whisper) Shut up! You are talking to yourself. You are 'incarnate', in Cleveland, and singing karaoke... and not my problem any more. What is still my problem? You letting your consumer try to hook up with mine! CADMUS He would never do that.
DEVORA (whispers) Whisper! He tried! Right over there at the bar while you were singing. SINGING!!! She got hopeful for a second and I had to move fast to salvage the situation. He could have walked out with her and left you high and dry without a case. CADMUS He would never have left. I told him-DEVORA Oh, yes. Brilliant! "We are like the Mounties. We always get our man." CADMUS Worked with past clients. DEVORA He smiled at her and it nearly lost me my closure. She offered him a fucking job! CADMUS Wait, when is she due? DEVORA Just a few hours. CADMUS Same here. You are missing the point, here. I have had a long string of boring consumers. I have been beside this guy his whole life hoping for one exciting thing to happen. And now we are in the last few hours and I decided to do something for me! We all do it sometimes. DEVORA Not me. Your fun is over. The six-digit covering the bartender reported you, too. CADMUS He has six? Shit. DEVORA I had to-- I refuse to herd humans until the next millennium! I have plans for my future! CADMUS I was like you once. By the book, but it wore off. DEVORA I will test for my fifth digit soon.
CADMUS Fifth? You are too young. How many closures you got? DEVORA Forty-three. CADMUS No breaks? No vacations? DEVORA I plan to retire early. CADMUS But, at your age to get a Fifth, you had to have had-DEVORA Five nuns, four queens, Siamese triplets, two Nobel laureates, and a pope! CADMUS Very impressive. DEVORA I know! CADMUS So why are you in Cleveland? DEVORA There was a clerical error. CADMUS Sure there was. DEVORA There was! I had a bid in for the heiress of a Hotel empire but I got tied up after my last closure. CADMUS Let me guess. Disciplinary hearing? DEVORA Not mine! I filed a grievance against someone and they appealed! Can you believe it? CADMUS Hard to imagine. ZAK and TIRESIAS enter.
TIRESIAS Everything under control here? ZAK Everything under control here? DEVORA I believe it is. CADMUS Seems there was a misunderstanding. TIRESIAS Stop talking out loud! AVERY What? CADMUS I only wanted to say-TIRESIAS You are alone at the bar. CADMUS ... that... karaoke is so much fun! We should all do it! CADMUS' phone chirps again. Everyone checks their phones. CADMUS reaches for his but cannot find it. CADMUS (CONT’D) Where the hell is my phone? TIRESIAS Over there, unattended. Like your consumer. CADMUS (whispers) Devora, could you get it for me while I get a drink? DEVORA And you are drinking alcohol! TIRESIAS Be careful. CADMUS When in Rome. Zak, could I get a... bourbon? I’ve always wanted to try one of those.
ZAK Kentucky's finest. DEVORA, angry, crosses to grab his phone and picks it up. DEVORA Here is your phone. You have a message. ZAK Phone! CADMUS Oh my god! My phone is floating! TIRESIAS crosses to ZAK. Everyone in the room turns to see. ZAK screams and drops whatever he is holding. DEVORA What are you doing?! ZAK The ghosts! You see this?! CADMUS backs away from DEVORA. CADMUS Zak, are there ghosts in this hotel?! ZAK I’ve told the owners! DEVORA Take your damn phone! CADMUS Get away from me! ZAK Floating phone! Floating phone! DEVORA You asshole! Everyone is watching this! CADMUS The power of christ compels you! DEVORA Stop it! DEVORA throws the phone at Cadmus, who catches it.
ZAK Old man, or whatever you are, please stop scaring me! TIRESIAS Just relax, Zak. Take a deep breath. ZAK takes a deep breath. TIRESIAS (CONT’D) There is a simple explanation for this. ZAK There is a simple explanation for this. TIRESIAS You know how that kind of magic trick works. ZAK I know how that kind of magic trick works. TIRESIAS Pour the next round of drinks. ZAK Why don’t I pour the next round of drinks? CADMUS These are not the 'droids you are looking for. TIRESIAS I hate having to push so hard. DEVORA I cannot believe you just did that to me! TIRESIAS What are you two playing at? CADMUS (to AVERY and EVA) Just like Blackstone. EVA That was a mean thing to do to Zak. AVERY How did you do it? CADMUS Angel magic. AVERY Come on.
CADMUS gives him the phone. CADMUS Check it out for yourself. DEVORA You gave him your phone! CADMUS Zak, I’m sorry. You all seemed pretty down and I wanted to cheer you up. ZAK Whatever. Bourbon, right? CADMUS Yes. What does it taste like? ZAK Sweet as nectar from the bee. CADMUS Really? ZAK No. It burns all the way down your throat. CADMUS Ooh, sounds intriguing. ZAK Here you are. (whispers) Hope you choke on it. AVERY Oh my god. DEVORA All the confidential information! Are there any policies you actually follow?! (to Tiresias) Imagine him with a President or Pope! Too much responsibility! ZAK brings CADMUS’ drink. At the same time EVA gets up and heads to the rest room. CADMUS sees this, grabs DEVORA's elbow, and strolls towards the lobby doors. CADMUS (whispers) You are too naive to judge me. You got your first taste of this bureaucracy when you got demoted.
DEVORA I did not get demoted! CADMUS You think it was an accident that you missed the heiress? Not a chance! You got assigned to a run-of-the-mill human just like I got. Miss high horse, “I’m Gonna Tell On You!” TIRESIAS Children, stop. DEVORA I am so reporting you again! CADMUS Go ahead! Use my phone. It has more bells and whistles than yours. DEVORA Oh no, because then I would have to take it from your consumer! TIRESIAS Happy place. CADMUS And while you’re doing that, maybe you could explain why you have abandoned your own consumer, again! DEVORA spins around to discover that EVA is gone. DEVORA Where the hell did she go?! Where is she? CADMUS opens the lobby door. CADMUS Karaoke room, perhaps? DEVORA Damn it! If she has any fun--! TIRESIAS Zak, you dropped something! ZAK ducks behind the bar and misses the lobby doors’ movement. DEVORA exits through the lobby door. CADMUS walks back to the bar.
TIRESIAS (CONT’D) We both saw her go to the ladies’ room. CADMUS Silly me. AVERY This is incredible. CADMUS Zak, this bourbon is not too bad. A woody taste, but with some real fire. Like being burned at the stake. ZAK You should be in marketing. EVA enters from the rest rooms. CADMUS You feeling any better? EVA Yes. I’m an emotional roller coaster tonight. Magic tricks remind me of my daughter. She would have loved what you did. CADMUS I have bad timing. EVA It was convincing enough. EVA returns to the bar, turning her back on everyone. AVERY gets up and approaches CADMUS. AVERY Cadmus, I’ve been reading these messages. I don’t understand much of what they are talking about, all the code names and such, but from what I gather you have a massive network of administrators and support staff. CADMUS A counsellor for every citizen of Earth for starters. TIRESIAS This just keeps getting better and better. AVERY (whisper) So Eva has...?
CADMUS (whisper) Should enter any moment now. Would you do me a favor and go open the lobby door? If it opens by itself Zak might freak out. AVERY Uh, okay. (whispered) And Zak’s...? CADMUS (whispered) Sitting at the bar... that stool, there. As CADMUS points to him, TIRESIAS drops his head and bangs it on the bar a few times. ZAK, EVA, and AVERY feel the thump. TIRESIAS Stupid, stupid, stupid! EVA What was that banging? ZAK I bet it was my old man ghost thingy! AVERY crosses to the lobby door and carefully opens it up just in time for DEVORA to storm in. DEVORA She is not the god damn karaoke room! CADMUS Perfect timing! (to Eva, whispering) You know you have a really lovely smile. But you should show it more. DEVORA What are you doing?! CADMUS brushes the hair out of Eva's face. CADMUS (whispering) I know I come off as, well, to be honest, a complete ass. EVA You do. DEVORA Step away from her!
CADMUS (whispering) But Avery is something really special. You sense that, don't you? CADMUS crosses to the jukebox as AVERY arrives at the bar. AVERY (to Eva) What was that about? EVA I... don’t know. DEVORA Eva, drink your wine! EVA drinks her wine. DEVORA crosses to CADMUS. DEVORA (CONT’D) What did you whisper to her? AVERY What did he say? EVA That I have a nice smile. AVERY Did he tell you his secret? DEVORA Stop talking to her! Cadmus! EVA The magic trick? No. DEVORA Cadmus? CADMUS They have Django Reinhart? I miss Paris! DEVORA hits CADMUS. DEVORA Jerk! (to EVA) Eva, time to call it a night. EVA I think maybe I should call it a night. EVA stands.
AVERY Not yet. Its only midnight. The roads are closed. We don’t have to check out at noon, right? EVA True. EVA sits back down. DEVORA Eva, get up. I mean it! AVERY Zak, another ginger ale for the lady. ZAK Hell is paved with teetotalers. DEVORA On your feet, young lady! EVA What’s one continental breakfast in the grand scheme of things? DEVORA She is not responding to me any more! CADMUS What do you want me to do about it? I quit. DEVORA No one quits. CADMUS You’re the superstar. Close them both yourself. DEVORA How? CADMUS Don't ask me. You had a Pope. DEVORA Not funny! AVERY Do either of you believe there is a grand scheme of life? EVA Belief seems to help some people. Not me. You?
AVERY I plead the fifth. ZAK You can’t plead the fifth on fate. EVA Agreed. CADMUS You really want my help? DEVORA I need this closure. EVA Avery? AVERY I’ll tell you my opinion after Zak does. ZAK How mysterious. Well, you know my feelings about ghosts and shit already. CADMUS What do you want me to do? DEVORA Lose the body and help me keep them apart. ZAK Let me wet my whistle. ZAK takes a drink of something. CADMUS Okay, but I need my phone. DEVORA Thank you. CADMUS Get it for me? DEVORA Sure. No! Not again! ZAK So here’s what I think. We all have a destiny. But we also have some choice. CADMUS Wait here.
CADMUS crosses to the bar. AVERY What does that mean? ZAK There is fate... but its not definite. EVA I’m sorry, Zak, but that doesn’t make much sense. ZAK You asked. Its not like you have all the answers. AVERY I came here not knowing anything. CADMUS Avery, can I get my phone back? I need to check in at work. AVERY Sure. He hands him the phone. CADMUS What are you guys chatting about? AVERY Fate, ghosts, and guardian angels. ZAK Avery was about to tell us his own unique insights. CADMUS Think they will believe you? ZAK Won’t know till I hear. DEVORA Cadmus! CADMUS Makes me curious. TIRESIAS You keep making the situation worse and worse.
CADMUS Oh, will you lay off? ZAK Harsh. DEVORA Cadmus! CADMUS Not you. Never mind. DEVORA Cadmus!! CADMUS crosses to DEVORA. CADMUS I need to make a call. (whispers) Will you stop yelling at me? DEVORA Hurry and change! CADMUS exits to the rest rooms. DEVORA crosses to the bar. EVA He has some real issues. AVERY You have no idea. DEVORA Stop talking to them. Eva, ignore him! Tiresias? TIRESIAS Just leave it. ZAK You don’t really think he’s your guardian angel, do you? ZAK and EVA start laughing. AVERY reluctantly joins. EVA Oh, that would be rich. DEVORA I have a bad feeling about this.
TIRESIAS Not my fault. ACT 1 SCENE 9 CADMUS enters from the rest rooms. CADMUS (whispers) Devora. ZAK Your guardian angel looks like a used car dealer! CADMUS (whispers) Devora! ZAK And look who’s back. DEVORA and TIRESIAS cross to CADMUS. DEVORA What? CADMUS We have a problem. EVA Really? TIRESIAS I was afraid of this. EVA Afraid of what? CADMUS I can’t make it work. DEVORA Why not? TIRESIAS Too much alcohol? DEVORA You son of a bitch! EVA Too much to drink?
CADMUS Not drunk. Just not one hundred percent. AVERY That would explain the karaoke. DEVORA Perfect! Have another drink! CADMUS Good idea. Another round, Zak! DEVORA I was kidding! CADMUS I’m only human, right? And if I’m not, then we all should be. Hint hint. TIRESIAS Better and better still. DEVORA No! Absolutely not! EVA Did that make any sense to you? CADMUS We can all do our jobs if we work together. DEVORA No! TIRESIAS Fuck off the both of you. CADMUS Look at me. DEVORA I will not break policy. CADMUS Human. DEVORA Stop him! CADMUS Join me. Zak, a round of white russians-- ow! Devora hits CADMUS.
ZAK Goody, let’s see how sick we can all be later tonight. TIRESIAS Bye. DEVORA But I need your help! TIRESIAS Zak, time to check the other room. ZAK I need to check in on the karaoke room first. CADMUS Four when you get back? EVA Four? ZAK None for me. CADMUS Maybe five? (looking at TIRESIAS) TIRESIAS Definitely not. AVERY So, three. CADMUS No, four. I predict I will meet a beautiful young lady emerging from the ladies room. TIRESIAS Zak, time to go. ZAK Time to go. DEVORA Stay, please? CADMUS I just need a little help. EVA Who’s he talking to?
AVERY No idea. CADMUS I mean, the old man is no help, right? DEVORA I am not taking flesh! EVA Does he mean Zak’s ghost? DEVORA Someone has to stay in control here! CADMUS It takes ten seconds sober. Come on. CADMUS drags Devora towards the rest room doors. Avery, watching, moves to a table. EVA follows him. DEVORA No! Cadmus, stop! CADMUS You have no choice. I’m stuck like this and Tiresias has left you high and dry. DEVORA But policy--! CADMUS Is this closure important to you? DEVORA Yes. CADMUS Any better ideas? AVERY He might be talking to-EVA Who? DEVORA Fine! How do I do this? CADMUS Simple. Come on.
CADMUS and DEVORA exit to rest rooms. EVA So? AVERY Nothing. Just... I don't know. EVA You just met him tonight? AVERY It seems he's known of me for quite a while, but I didn't know him. EVA Right. Guardian angel. AVERY Exactly. EVA (Together) Sorry about that drink-AVERY (Together) I know I must seem awkward.-(beat) EVA (Together) Oh my. AVERY (Together) Sorry. (Beat) EVA (Together) I'm sorry. Go ahead-AVERY (Together) That was rude. Please-(beat) EVA (Together) Ha ha. AVERY (Together) Heh heh. (beat) (beat) (beat) EVA (Together) You.
AVERY (Together) You. (Beat) He raises his fist in the international signal for Rock, Paper, Scissors. She joins him. EVA (Together) 1, 2, rock-AVERY (Together) 1, 2, 3, paper. Go on three, or after three? EVA Doesn't matter, you won it. (beat) AVERY I don't even remember what I was going to say. EVA Talk about a hopeless pair. AVERY Just my luck. I finally win something and I can’t recall what I wanted to win. EVA Winning’s overrated. AVERY I keep trying to convince myself of that. Would be nice once in a while, though. EVA Every time I thought I’d won, it set me up for a big disappointment. AVERY Like? EVA In college I met the man of my dreams. In every way. I knew it from the first laugh, No ifs, ands, or buts. On our first date, he stood me up. No call, nothing. I though, no second chances. But when he called the next day... I don’t know. He got me laughing. My gut again, I trust it. We made plans for a second date and he forgot his wallet and I had to pay. But the date itself was wonderful! We finished each others sentences and while we didn’t agree on everything we were inseparable from the on. (MORE)
70. EVA (CONT'D) We gelled and I married him. The wedding was perfect. Backacked around Europe. A year in the Peace Corps and then we were back. We bought a house, and a couple years later we had Jenny. The three of us traveled and made ice cream and laughed so much. It was a perfect life. He loved me for all of my quirks, not despite them and I could just listen to him think out loud for hours. Was wonderful until it was over, and then it was a horrible void in my life. There are no, “happily ever afters.” I’m here and he’s... somewhere else. Fifteen years together, and then one afternoon Jenny... was killed. Hit and run. She was in the ICU for four days. She never regained consciousness. You can’t imagine what that is like. I couldn’t. People say they feel for you but they can’t. It’s too much for one person to feel. Too much for two people to bear. Even soul mates drift apart because its just too much pain. There were no more laughs for us after that afternoon.
AVERY To have lost so much. ZAK and TIRESIAS enter. EVA Our priest said we had to have faith. AVERY Easy for him to say. He doesn’t have to deal with love and loss. EVA He tried his best. Everyone did, but in the end we couldn’t even look each other in the face. AVERY I am so sorry. ZAK Everything all right? TIRESIAS crosses to look into the rest rooms for CADMUS and DEVORA. EVA Sad topic. ZAK Avoid those, honey. Drinking should never be confused with therapy.
EVA I will bear that in mind. ZAK In need of that next round? EVA Why not? But what I really want are answers. AVERY From? EVA Cadmus’ boss. ZAK All I got is drinks. AVERY Very funny. Anyone dumb enough to hire him deserves to have him as an employee. EVA Well put. AVERY I can’t wait to meet him face to face. EVA Him? AVERY Her? EVA Zak? God... man or woman? ZAK Of all people to ask. May she smite you with lightning. Your drinks. TIRESIAS enters from the rest rooms, and stands beside ZAK. AVERY If you could ask God one question what would it be? ZAK Only one? EVA Yes.
ZAK In seventeen parts? EVA One question, one answer. ZAK turns and appears to look right into TIRESIAS’ face. ZAK Well, I would turn and look God right in the eye-- Wait. (to EVA) God can’t just answer, “Because,” right? EVA Correct. ZAK Good, because that would piss me off. So, this is what I would say. (at TIRESIAS) It wasn’t very original to put a black woman’s soul into the body of a white boy. You know that, but after all the shit I took in high school- the swirlies, that trip to the ER, my whole first year at Kent, and that hellish hot tub experience in New Orleans, why why why why why did you have to make me fall in love with a straight boy? -- No! No! Answer this one. -Why did he break it off? For her? Why, after all these years of feeling alone? I accepted the fact that you must only love straight catholics, methodists, baptists, and a mormon or two. But why did you let me have a taste of him? When i looked in his eyes I could see you looking back from inside there and I knew that I wasn’t alone. But now I don’t see you there. Where the hell did you go? TIRESIAS Oh, child. I’ve tried make it easier. EVA Love. AVERY No easy way out. ZAK And no easy answers but I’m going to bitch slap that God first chance I get. ZAK crosses behind the bar.
EVA Nothing makes sense anymore. AVERY Has it ever? ZAK Not from where I’ve been standing. ZAK pours drinks and TIRESIAS crosses towards the rest rooms. TIRESIAS Cadmus? Devora? Your consumers are ready to close a bit early. And taking mine with them. ZAK My friends, this round is on the house. What shall we toast to? AVERY To answers. EVA To peace. TIRESIAS To a thankless job. ZAK Too fucking much. They sadly toast and are soon lost in their own depressions, drinking their white russians. ACT 1 SCENE 10 HOTEL BAR (THE ACTION CONTINUES) CADMUS and DEVORA enter from the rest rooms. DEVORA If Tiresias is right and we end early I could pick up the Pakistan assignment. What’s next for you? DEVORA and CADMUS sit at the nearest table. CADMUS No idea. I never plan ahead. I was finally starting to enjoy this one. Flesh can be fun. These humans have it better than they realize.
DEVORA is having trouble acclimating to her new flesh and keeps touching, fiddling, and testing her body and senses. DEVORA It was so easy to change but my body feels weird. So... tangible. These are softer than I expected, but not these. Is this supposed to feel like this? CADMUS Everyone’s is different. DEVORA This is serious. I think I did something wrong. We need to change back. CADMUS Calm down or you’ll be stuck that way. DEVORA Really?! Shit! Why did I let you convince me to do this?! CADMUS Calm down. You need to breathe. Hyperventilate and you could pass out. DEVORA Oh, my god! ZAK Who the hell is that? DEVORA Cadmus, you have to help me! EVA Where did she come from? The ladies’ room? AVERY He was right. TIRESIAS I should have taken early retirement. EVA Right about what? CADMUS You have to be quiet. They can hear you now.
DEVORA They can hear me? Eva can hear me?! AVERY I don’t believe it. EVA How does she know my name? DEVORA This is awful. Why would anyone do this to themselves? CADMUS Just keep trying to calm down. Walk with me. With his hand on her shoulder CADMUS guides DEVORA to the bar. DEVORA I've "ghosted" a few times to cause a distraction, you know? And I always "nudge", a little bump here, spill a drink there. Do bodies always... tingle like this? It feels... good. Do I look the same to you? CADMUS and DEVORA sit at the bar. CADMUS Yes, you look the same to me. Zak? ZAK (to AVERY and EVA) If I’m not back in ten minutes send a posse. EVA Who the hell is she? AVERY I don’t think you want to know. DEVORA I never expected breasts to feel like this. I expected some weight, but these are.... Here, feel them. CADMUS Not here. DEVORA Do it! CADMUS Stop!
CADMUS takes her by the shoulders to stop her. DEVORA Fine! Calm down. ZAK And who is the mystery lady? EVA (to Avery) Tell me. CADMUS (whispers) Remember, you can be seen. AVERY She’s your Cadmus. DEVORA My heart is racing. CADMUS Your face is a bit flushed but it is pretty warm in here. ZAK Really? I always feel a bit nipply. EVA You believe him? DEVORA You should have warned me about this. AVERY She just appeared out of nowhere, right? CADMUS Relax. A drink’ll help. DEVORA No! No alcohol. EVA Well, from the bathroom. CADMUS You are too worked up. DEVORA This is your fault. EVA She must have come from the karaoke room.
CADMUS Do you want to stay like this? DEVORA No. CADMUS One drink will cushion you. AVERY We've been here the whole time. It's as insane as everything else. And look at her suit. ZAK Kids? This is a bar, not a therapist’s office. EVA That makes no sense. CADMUS Two shots. ZAK Of? CADMUS You pick. ZAK Not again. (to DEVORA) Ladies' choice? DEVORA What does he mean? ZAK What. Do. You. Want. To. Drink? (he poorly imitates sign language) DEVORA Oh, you mean me? I forgot. You can see me. He can see me, Cadmus. AVERY He told me I was going to kill myself later tonight. EVA You...? AVERY I can’t say it was much of a shock to hear that, but...
EVA But I... No one.... ZAK Come on, help me out a little here. CADMUS Sorry. Not used to drinking. DEVORA Not used to having this body. Distracting me. ZAK A worthy investment. DEVORA My breasts bounce when I move. See? ZAK I don’t care. Drinks? TIRESIAS Red headed sluts. DEVORA What?! TIRESIAS Order two red headed sluts. They taste good. Now leave me alone. CADMUS Great. Two. ZAK Two what? DEVORA I thought he meant me. I thought you meant me. Do I have red hair? ZAK I did mean you. You showed me your breasts and I don’t care. EVA Are you saying that my guardian angel is... her? DEVORA Do they look all right to you? Feel them.
ZAK Stop! Look, you two, what kind of shots do you want? CADMUS Red... headed...? TIRESIAS Sluts. CADMUS Sluts! ZAK At last! CADMUS Two each. DEVORA (to TIRESIAS) When is the bartender due? TIRESIAS Not for a while. ZAK Due for what? DEVORA Closure. EVA This is just sick! I’ll prove to you that he’s just messing with your head! AVERY Don’t. ZAK (to CADMUS) What's up with her? CADMUS Up? DEVORA Third person? “She” is standing right here. ZAK Whatever. ZAK walks away in disbelief. TIRESIAS How soon will you two be out of here?
CADMUS About five hours. TIRESIAS Good. Any longer and I would have to close your consumers myself. CADMUS She is running the show now. DEVORA spins on the barstool. DEVORA Whee! TIRESIAS It looks it. DEVORA Hello! “It” is right here! ZAK Your guardian angel has found a friend. ZAK is pouring a line of at least seven shots. EVA Not you, too. AVERY Wait. Just listen to me for a minute. ZAK brings the shots to CADMUS and DEVORA. ZAK Here. CADMUS Drink this. DEVORA What is it? CADMUS A shot. And stop touching yourself. Looks weird. ZAK returns to his own shot. DEVORA Can I help it that I have feelings! No drinking. We have to work.
CADMUS We’re supposed to blend in, right? DEVORA Right. CADMUS Do you see anyone not drinking? DEVORA points at TIRESIAS. DEVORA Him. CADMUS Any humans? DEVORA The bartender? ZAK Fuck ‘em all. I need a smoke. They look at ZAK as he downs his own shot and then quickly walks out through the lobby doors. TIRESIAS hurries out after him. DEVORA This night is out of control. EVA So, you’re my guardian angel, huh? DEVORA screams and hides behind CADMUS. DEVORA She’s talking to me! AVERY drinks his shot. EVA And you are Avery’s. CADMUS Avery, what did you tell her? AVERY Sorry. Was it supposed to be a secret? EVA Whatever it is you want from us--
DEVORA Cadmus, make her stop! EVA You won’t get it. Understood? I’m done doing things for other people. DEVORA Stop! EVA I came here to kill myself! Nothing either of you do will stop me! There is a brief pause. DEVORA Oh. That is such good news! EVA What? CADMUS I told you. Everything is fine. DEVORA Still. Look at me, Cadmus! CADMUS You look great. Soon as we get the closures we can go. EVA Hello? DEVORA I can see why this is forbidden. CADMUS You haven't really given it a chance yet. EVA Wait a minute! You aren’t even going to try to stop me? DEVORA Not any more. CADMUS Tonight is your night. EVA Then I won’t do it.
DEVORA You have to. EVA Or else what? CADMUS We make it happen. AVERY That’s what he told me, too. EVA I need a drink. AVERY Here’s your shot. AVERY hands EVA the shot ZAK poured for her. She drinks it. CADMUS hands DEVORA her second shot. CADMUS Here, drink this. They drink the shots. DEVORA That tastes great! CADMUS You can say that again. DEVORA Tastes, shivers, tingling. And my chest, right here I feel... CADMUS Breasts, I know. DEVORA No, a warmth, spreading out-CADMUS All over your body? She grabs his hands and puts them on her chest. DEVORA You feel it, too?
CADMUS I feel something. DEVORA In my chest? CADMUS No. A bit closer to home. DEVORA In your chest? She puts her hands on his chest. CADMUS No, much lower. DEVORA I can feel your heart beating. CADMUS I can feel yours, too. They lean closer together. DEVORA You feel my heart? CADMUS And your breasts. They kiss, starting simply, but quickly getting more intense. EVA I think I’m going to be sick. AVERY This way. AVERY leads EVA to the ladies’ room. CADMUS and DEVORA immediately separate, mortified. CADMUS What the hell just happened? DEVORA How should I know? I feel great! CADMUS Me, too! Come with me!
DEVORA Where? CADMUS We have to do this! DEVORA No! CADMUS Come on! DEVORA I am not having sex with you! CADMUS Not sex! Karaoke! DEVORA What?! No! Eva, help me! CADMUS drags DEVORA off stage. End of Act One ACT 2 SCENE 1, THE BAR ZAK is cleaning up after the previous scenes. TIRESIAS is listening at the rest room exit. Unseen by TIRESIAS, ZAK stops and reaches for the phone. ZAK Why do I keep calling him? Why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? TIRESIAS turns to watch him. ZAK (CONT’D) I am worth more than this! ZAK hangs up the phone. ZAK (CONT’D) Even buzzed and suicidal, I am one fierce and sexy beast! The best recourse is to show him what he threw out. I am not some used kleenex to be tossed aside! I am woman, hear me fucking roar, bitch! TIRESIAS You go, girl.
TIRESIAS crosses to the bar as AVERY guides EVA back in. She has obviously been throwing up in the rest room. AVERY Zak, could we get some ginger ale? EVA (whispers) Hot tea. AVERY Sorry, some hot tea. ZAK Everything okay? I wondered where you went to. I took my break and everyone disappeared. AVERY Yeah, things got a bit... much here. ZAK What happened? AVERY Cadmus and his friend. EVA Please, stop. ZAK What? AVERY She had a pretty extreme reaction. ZAK Your stomachs are also filled with a toxic combination of drinks. When was the last time you ate? AVERY Sandwich for lunch. EVA Breakfast. Coffee and croissant. ZAK There we go. You need something in your stomachs. Hello, I’m room service. EVA I need a few minutes.
AVERY But its a good idea. ZAK Let me know. I’ll get you menus in a sec. Here’s your tea. You, too? AVERY Please. ZAK serves them tea. CADMUS and DEVORA rush in holding hands and flushed with excitement. DEVORA That was incredible! CADMUS What did I tell you? DEVORA I could’ve killed you! CADMUS I’m glad they let us jump the line. DEVORA You sounded fantastic! CADMUS You were amazing! DEVORA I couldn’t take my eyes off you. CADMUS Me, neither. They kiss again, passionately. EVA Let’s go to one of the tables. I’m not ready for them yet. AVERY and EVA move aside to one of the tables. TIRESIAS pulls DEVORA and CADMUS to the juke box for a huddle. TIRESIAS (whispers) I leave you alone for five minutes and you’re rutting like weasels.
CADMUS We were not rutting. We were just kissing. TIRESIAS And how was it? DEVORA Incredible. CADMUS So much more intense than ever before. DEVORA That wasn’t normal? CADMUS I’ve never felt anything that intensely. DEVORA My whole body went from tingly to white hot. TIRESIAS You felt that because you’re super-human. CADMUS We can fly? TIRESIAS No. Okay, you are “extra-human.” “Human Plus.” CADMUS But I’ve touched women before. I’ve even had sex before, but I’ve never felt anything like that. DEVORA You had sex with one of them? CADMUS Once. TIRESIAS Really? CADMUS Three times. But this was different. TIRESIAS Pay attention. First: consumers. CADMUS What?
DEVORA Shit! Where are they? TIRESIAS Right there, and fine. Again. DEVORA What happened to Eva? TIRESIAS Your make-out session nauseated her. DEVORA Oh my god. TIRESIAS Second: You both are more than human. DEVORA Is this "love?" CADMUS No. Has to be "lust." DEVORA You’re so unromantic. CADMUS Hard to be romantic with what I have. DEVORA What do you have? CADMUS An erection. DEVORA Are you sure? CADMUS Hard to mistake. DEVORA Show me. ZAK Not here! I’ll be back in a minute. Keep it in your pants. ZAK heads towards the lobby doors. TIRESIAS Zak, wait a moment. Check on Eva.
ZAK changes course to check on EVA. ZAK How are you doing? EVA A bit better, thanks. TIRESIAS You two have to relax. ZAK stands there, puzzled. CADMUS I’m trying. DEVORA What do we do now? TIRESIAS You either wait for that to go away, or you deal with it. DEVORA How? CADMUS No. Not here. TIRESIAS She could help you. CADMUS Definitely not! DEVORA What? CADMUS Nothing. TIRESIAS You could take matters “in hand”. CADMUS Not here! DEVORA What? CADMUS Nothing.
TIRESIAS Or you could have sex with him. DEVORA What?! CADMUS I’m not going to have sex with you! ZAK Not here! Menus! ZAK exits through the lobby doors. TIRESIAS Zak! Blast! DEVORA Is it my breasts? CADMUS No. We work together. And we dislike each other. DEVORA True. CADMUS Why is this happening? How do you know about this? DEVORA Don’t you have to go with Zak? TIRESIAS Yes, but he went to get menus. No danger there. You two, on the other hand-DEVORA Are you sure? TIRESIAS Reasonably so-- I need to warn you about what you’re doing because this is dangerous. Policy forbids it, but never explains why. Most never get to where you are and you’re lucky that I’m here for you. CADMUS Who are you? TIRESIAS Tiresias, 420843.
DEVORA I guessed you were a six! CADMUS Why are you in the field? TIRESIAS I’ve been doing this from soon after we organized this entire system. I know humans better than most. I hate administrative duties so I stayed a six when so many others have gone seven or higher. One of the reasons I stayed was that I like humans. They’re fun, passionate, creative. Always surprising, even when they drive me crazy. Music and art make me happy. And i hate to admit, but one thing, one simple human thing always makes me happy and i cannot explain why. Sex. It is powerful in humans, but you two... how can i explain this? When we take on human form we are more than just human. We are created by pure energy. Everything we are and everything we do is more intense because of that. It gives us more influence when we interact with humans, but on the rare occasion when we interact with each other that influence sets up a... feedback loop. If there is repulsion, it gets violent. If there is attraction, it is equally as powerful, as you have found. DEVORA But we hate each other. TIRESIAS Only on the surface. Situationally. Because he screwed up. CADMUS I did not. TIRESIAS Is the erection gone? They both stare at him. CADMUS No. I see your point. I have taken liberties with my job. TIRESIAS This is a direct violation of policy. DEVORA Have you ever taken a body?
TIRESIAS It was one of the better perks early on but it caused problems. Zeus, alone, impregnated more humans than we thought possible in a single month. So the union established strict policies. CADMUS I thought he retired voluntarily. TIRESIAS He was given no choice. Hera was relieved at least. DEVORA So you had sex with humans? TIRESIAS It has been a long, long time. CADMUS Do you miss it? TIRESIAS Of course, I do. A bit. Zak is a great consumer, talented, funny, but I only see tits when he gets put in the women's dressing room. And that novelty wears off fast. Women talk a lot, even sitting around naked, but just talk. Remember, Zak does musicals, so hook ups in the men's dressing room are pretty casual and frequent. The first time he was put in the ladies room I thought, “Great!” But guess what? Just talk. The ladies of the cast date nontheatre types so i never saw more than flowers and cards. For four weeks all I hear from them are complaints. “My man won’t go downtown. I feel so bloated. Never use a copper piercing. I told him to start drinking pineapple juice.” The lesbians in the company all do tech. Same thing. “My woman won’t go downtown. I feel so bloated. Damn thing kept shorting out and shocking the hell out of me.” And no woman is happy with how she looks. I missed the men. But even now the novelty of two men having sex has worn off. It starts out as the great taboo for them in high school, and then after college its a non-stop cockfest. But as an observer? There are only so many variations. Women are not exactly welcome at the party, if you understand. And the TV distracts him, so there is nothing else to watch. He likes it kind of rough, so I have to stay in the room. The whole time. Stuck.
DEVORA So what do you do? TIRESIAS I join in. DEVORA Really?! TIRESIAS No, of course not! We usually play cards, me and the other angel. Sometimes, we even have enough for bridge. DEVORA Sixes get to pick their cases, right? TIRESIAS Yes, and I always take an artist. Preferably an actor or musician, and Zak is ideal. Why isn’t he back? Blast! AVERY How are you feeling? Better? EVA Yes. The nausea is gone. AVERY Zak should be back with the menus soon. TIRESIAS You both need to remain calm. DEVORA How? CADMUS Deep breaths. TIRESIAS Think about work. DEVORA Okay. I’m breathing. Think about work. Death. Dismemberment. Dysentary. Disasters. CADMUS How soon is Zak? TIRESIAS Years. Shot by the wife of his former partner.
CADMUS Pretty exciting. TIRESIAS Not surprising. That woman is unhinged. At least he is using all this drama as inspiration. CADMUS For? TIRESIAS A musical he is writing. DEVORA I think I’m calm at last. CADMUS Good. Have you ever had an artist? DEVORA No. No point. CADMUS She wants early retirement. TIRESIAS No point? Artists are passionate. You both should try them regularly! Humans at their very best. You can keep your politicians, tycoons, and athletes. They succeed by the failures of others. But the artists make others look good simply because they can. DEVORA Interesting. TIRESIAS Are you better now? CADMUS Almost there. TIRESIAS "It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance... makes him stand to, and not stand to..." DEVORA pulls out her phone. CADMUS Shakespeare, again, right?
TIRESIAS Zak played the Porter in the Scottish play last year. Quite funny. DEVORA Did either of you know him? CADMUS Shakespeare? DEVORA Yes. CADMUS No. You? TIRESIAS Technically, no, but here's the interesting thing... The man everyone thinks of as Shakespeare-CADMUS Hang on a second. What are you doing? DEVORA Looking it up. TIRESIAS Shakespeare? DEVORA No, alcohol and erections. CADMUS Don’t. TIRESIAS They monitor our searches. CADMUS grabs her phone away and stops the search. CADMUS Trust us. TIRESIAS You have enough trouble at the moment. DEVORA Thanks to him! CADMUS Moot point, soon. Big policy changes are coming.
TIRESIAS The pendulum swings back. DEVORA What? How? Why? CADMUS The eight and nine digits have been taking bodies for ages. TIRESIAS How did you find out? CADMUS I read their memos. TIRESIAS You don’t have clearance. CADMUS True, but I found a way. Here. CADMUS hands TIRESIAS his phone. ZAK enters through lobby doors with menus. DEVORA How? CADMUS With Avery, I have had a lot of down time. So, one time he’s teaching Freshman Lit-- SALESMAN, Frost, Poe, Fitzgerald... Boring. TIRESIAS Time-shares in Cabo? ZAK Sorry it took so long. Karaoke room is a madhouse. AVERY When does the kitchen close? ZAK Open all night because of the storm. CADMUS Check out the picture pages. I love those. So, I start peeking next door into the computer labs-DEVORA Leaving him unattended.
EVA Its going to take me a few minutes. ZAK Just let me know. EVA Thanks. ZAK goes behind the bar. TIRESIAS Euro Disney? CADMUS Exactly! I mean, who goes there? One course is software programming for smart phones and apps. I start fiddling with my own equipment-TIRESIAS Speaking of... Hammurabi hasn’t changed at all. DEVORA Who? TIRESIAS Old boss. Nine digits now. CADMUS He does like his Thai boys young. DEVORA Let me see that! She tries to takes the phone from TIRESIAS, but he won't let go. TIRESIAS No. You’re in enough trouble, young lady. CADMUS It was surprisingly simple and now I have access to everything. Internal memos, status reports, disciplinary hearings, everything. TIRESIAS hands CADMUS his own phone. TIRESIAS Can you give me clearance? CADMUS Its bad enough for me that you know.
TIRESIAS I'll never tell. DEVORA This is ridiculous. CADMUS enters some text into the phone and then hands it back to TIRESIAS. CADMUS Are you sure? TIRESIAS Wait! Can I.T. detect this? CADMUS No. I use their own strings and macros. Actually, I had to clean up some of their code. Really sloppy programming. DEVORA If you get caught, what happens? CADMUS I get benched a couple of lifetimes, I guess. TIRESIAS Benched? Are you kidding? If this information gets out its all over for the current administration. CADMUS Are you planning on saying anything? TIRESIAS Of course not. CADMUS Me, neither. TIRESIAS Who, besides we three, knows about this? CADMUS No one. TIRESIAS If-- when they catch this-- and things like this always come out-- everyone you have ever had contact with will be under suspicion. CADMUS But no one else knows.
TIRESIAS You think that will stop them? Guilt by association. CADMUS So what happens? TIRESIAS With luck? One to five lives on your bench. DEVORA That’s not horrible. TIRESIAS Or permanent office support duty. CADMUS That’s lucky? DEVORA What if they’re unlucky? TIRESIAS The Farm. DEVORA Really? CADMUS That doesn’t exist. DEVORA It does! CADMUS It’s not a real place. It just means you’re permanently barred from case work. DEVORA And then? CADMUS Nothing. No work in the field, no paperwork, nothing. TIRESIAS Far worse than that. CADMUS Worse? TIRESIAS The Farm is not some empty place. The Farm is here. Earth.
CADMUS How is that punishment? TIRESIAS To be “Farmed” is to be dropped here with only the clothes you manifest. You retain one language, and not the local one. You’ll have no identity, no currency, and will probably appear in a war zone somewhere. You are human. Mortal, without our immunities or protections of any kind. You will get sick. You will feel pain. Freeze, fry, sunburn.... You are a human but you can still see and hear our kind around you. CADMUS But to the other humans-TIRESIAS Probable psychosis. CADMUS And institutionalization. TIRESIAS If you even survive. DEVORA But if we’re human, we have a-TIRESIAS No one is assigned to you. CADMUS Completely alone. DEVORA And still seeing us. CADMUS I could handle that. TIRESIAS You? No, it would be much worse for you. Who caused this? You. First, public humiliation and condemnation, then a very public banishment. DEVORA Banishment? TIRESIAS It happened once before. CADMUS But all I did was expose--
TIRESIAS Same as him, and look what happened to the whole bunch of innocent people who went down with him. Keep that in mind and be careful. CADMUS What should I do? TIRESIAS If the nines and tens find out, or even suspect... CADMUS Farmed. TIRESIAS And everyone you have encountered, too. DEVORA Would they “Farm” me? TIRESIAS However if the entire system... CADMUS All at once? Firewalls, encryption, everything? ZAK (to DEVORA) Are you two in the same conversation? DEVORA Cadmus is thinking aloud. TIRESIAS Might work. CADMUS I might be able to hack in to that. TIRESIAS You seem to be better than our IT guys. ZAK Now I get it. This hacker I dated talked to himself all the time, or his computer. TIRESIAS The only way to protect yourself is to expose them. DEVORA You dated a hacker?
ZAK Sorta. He wrote viruses. “TrojanManBig12”-CADMUS I could write a trojan! ZAK Which was misleading. CADMUS It could deliver a dormant registry entry... CADMUS’ voice fades as he types code into his phone. DEVORA Dormant what? TIRESIAS No idea. ZAK Runs the computer or something. Yep, sounds just like “TrojanBoy-four-and-three-quarters.” DEVORA What’s he doing? TIRESIAS All Greek to me. DEVORA Funny. ZAK Be right back. Vodka is needed. DEVORA Wait, does this mean no “Farm” for me? ZAK exits, TIRESIAS lingers in the doorway. TIRESIAS Maybe. Maybe not if he’s successful. Keep an eye on your consumers. TIRESIAS exits and DEVORA crosses to the lobby door. She opens it to look into the lobby. DEVORA They look fine.
CADMUS Synchronize with a phantom directory... DEVORA Can you hear me? CADMUS Like a timer. Requests a reset code... DEVORA Are you listening? CADMUS Hundred and eight minutes. Nice touch. What do you think? DEVORA As long as it works. CADMUS Where’s Tiresias? DEVORA He went with Zak. CADMUS Who? DEVORA His consumer? I watched yours while you were off in cyber space. CADMUS Right. Both due in a few hours. DEVORA crosses to CADMUS. DEVORA Did you do it? CADMUS I think so. DEVORA You think so? CADMUS Stay calm. DEVORA I hate you. CADMUS Remember, you have to stay relaxed.
CADMUS starts massaging her shoulders. DEVORA Relax? I have no control... over anything. I hate that! CADMUS Close your eyes and breathe. DEVORA That feels good. CADMUS I know. DEVORA Scary and exciting night. CADMUS All part of being human. DEVORA I can’t believe you kissed me. CADMUS You kissed me. DEVORA I did not. CADMUS You leaned right in-DEVORA No, you did. CADMUS You kissed me like this. CADMUS and DEVORA kiss again, passionately. EVA Oh my god, they’re at it again. AVERY Unbelievable. More tea? EVA Zak left again. AVERY I’ll get it myself.
EVA I wish they would just leave us alone. Even for a little while. AVERY gets up and goes behind the bar for hot water. ZAK and TIRESIAS enter. ZAK Steve and Edie, get a room! CADMUS I already have one. ZAK Then go there. More hot water? AVERY Sorry. ZAK You're fine. AVERY comes out from behind the bar. TIRESIAS I can not leave you two alone. DEVORA Sorry. ZAK I’m in no mood. Its fakakta in the karaoke room. Management says that I can't kick you out, but that I should strongly urge you to go across so I can serve everyone there. TIRESIAS What did you come up with? CADMUS A good plan. Let’s celebrate. Karaoke, anyone? DEVORA Are you sure about this? TIRESIAS Will it work? CADMUS (to TIRESIAS) It’s fool proof. (to DEVORA) Pick a duet.
CADMUS pulls DEVORA towards the lobby door. TIRESIAS follows. TIRESIAS How did you do it so fast? CADMUS Thank Zak. ZAK You can thank me in the other room. CADMUS Sure. Come on, folks. EVA I’m not going anywhere. AVERY Zak, can we order now? ZAK From the other room? EVA We’re staying here. CADMUS We have to stick together. EVA Then stay here. AVERY I think we have some questions for you. CADMUS And you want us to stay and answer them. EVA Exactly. DEVORA Cadmus, this is a mistake. EVA You won’t change my mind. CADMUS Zak, we’ll all be over in a few minutes. ZAK If the manager finds you here without me--
AVERY We’ll say we snuck back in. ZAK Thanks. CADMUS Leave us a bottle of something? ZAK Jaeger seems to be common ground. Here are some glasses. EVA Thanks. ZAK and TIRESIAS cross towards the lobby door. TIRESIAS So you sent that program? CADMUS Not yet. ZAK What? CADMUS One more look... make sure... before I do... come over. You know? ZAK Whatever. TIRESIAS Make it fast. ZAK and TIRESIAS exit. EVA I still don't quite believe this. CADMUS Believe what? EVA That you two.... Why are you here? CADMUS To support you. EVA My suicide?
CADMUS At this stage. EVA Why aren’t you talking? CADMUS Scared. EVA Of me? CADMUS Of this whole deal. Never taken on human form. EVA So making out and karaoke is unusual? CADMUS Yes. EVA Oh, come on! I should be freaking out, not you! DEVORA Sorry. This is new to me. EVA Well have a drink and man up. DEVORA Cadmus? CADMUS I think that is a good idea. CADMUS and DEVORA approach the bar. EVA You are not at all what I expected. DEVORA What did you expect? Wings and a halo? EVA Not really, but some kind of mystical experience. DEVORA Sorry to be a disappointment.
EVA No, not at all. I just never imagined having a drink with you. DEVORA Tell me about it. I never imagined I would ever take on a body. EVA How does that work? DEVORA Hard to explain. You feel kind of tingly, all over, and then you have weight. EVA You gain weight? Sounds awful. DEVORA I seem to be getting used to it. Except for these breasts. EVA What’s wrong with them? DEVORA They move. EVA Next time get smaller ones. DEVORA I’ll try that. AVERY What was that about a computer virus? CADMUS Some issues at work. Management jerking us around. And Tiresias told me to expose them. AVERY Who’s Tiresias? CADMUS Zak’s. AVERY So what did you do? CADMUS Wrote a virus to bring down the security system.
AVERY Impressive. They return to the table. CADMUS Thanks. So, what were you two lovely ladies talking about? DEVORA My breasts. AVERY So, how about those Mets? CADMUS Mets? AVERY Changing the subject. CADMUS You’ve always been too uptight. DEVORA We should stick to safe topics. CADMUS Like what? DEVORA Not sex. CADMUS We do sort of lose control. EVA We noticed. DEVORA Sorry. EVA Fine by me. Why stop? Just take it elsewhere. CADMUS I have that room. DEVORA And leave them alone? No! AVERY We aren't alone.
EVA We'll be fine. CADMUS She meant "unattended". EVA We’re trapped in the hotel. AVERY In a blizzard. DEVORA But-AVERY You have a bed. Why not use it? EVA Why did you get a room? Aren't you always just "there", invisible, beside us? CADMUS Not mine. A colleague was on his way out when we got here. He slipped me his consumer’s room key. AVERY Won't the guy notice the charges? CADMUS Not from where he’s going. And the room is on his business account. AVERY But what if he comes back? CADMUS He took a swim in the river from the LorainCarnegie bridge. By now he’s either gone or in the emergency room. EVA Dead? CADMUS Preferably. Comas are a real drag. Imagine sitting at a bedside, not able to leave for years at a time. Never want to do that again. DEVORA Sounds tedious.
CADMUS It is, but so is my current job, right Avery? AVERY Hey! CADMUS Sorry. Well, Devora, care to see my room? DEVORA But if anything should happen? We have deadlines. CADMUS We have a couple hours. DEVORA Well-CADMUS We have plenty of time. DEVORA You really want to? CADMUS Of course. Have you ever felt like this before? DEVORA No. CADMUS Me, neither. They kiss again. DEVORA breaks the kiss. DEVORA But them? EVA We’ll stay here. AVERY We’ll order something to eat. EVA You know us. CADMUS Well?
AVERY Cadmus, when have you ever seen me take a chance? CADMUS True. AVERY Most importantly I still have nothing outside of this hotel. Nothing has changed. EVA Same here. DEVORA This is a bad idea. EVA This would be your first time. Wouldn’t it? DEVORA So? EVA Nothing to be scared about, but woman to woman, if you have never had sex before, I think you should at least experience it once. DEVORA Really? EVA Yes. Even the first time can be very good. CADMUS Why would it not be? EVA Well, it can be painful for a woman the first time. Unless the man is gentle and skilled. CADMUS Which I am. EVA Wrong answer. CADMUS I’ve done this before. EVA Strike two.
DEVORA What kind of woman do you think I am? CADMUS What’re you talking about? DEVORA I’m not going to do this with someone who has slept around. CADMUS I didn’t slept around! I’ve had sex on three separate occasions, with two different women, over a span of three hundred years. DEVORA drinks her shot. AVERY I wouldn't drink more if I were you. Defiantly she repeatedly drinks right from the bottle as the dialogue continues. DEVORA Watch me! Tell me about them. CADMUS Who? DEVORA The 'other' women. CADMUS Fine. Derdriu was the first. A barmaid in a pub outside Dublin called, um... 'The Slaughtered Lamb'. It was 1720 something and my first try at a human form. She took a fancy to me and after a few pints she took me in the back room. AVERY Wow. CADMUS Yes. DEVORA And? CADMUS And what? Everything worked. It felt pretty good. It's kind of gross and squishy when you think about it too closely, so I didn't. (MORE)
116. CADMUS (CONT'D) She seemed happy and after it was over she gave me a kiss on the cheek and slipped out of the room.
EVA First time was a quickie. How romantic. CADMUS Not that quick. Maybe half an hour. EVA They all say that. CADMUS What? EVA And that this (she holds her hands about six inches apart) is ten inches. DEVORA They always say that? EVA Or twelve. AVERY Hey! CADMUS She said that I was the biggest and best she ever had. EVA And we all say that. AVERY Really? DEVORA This is not happening. CADMUS Devora! DEVORA If she was so good, go back to her! CADMUS She's been dead nearly three hundred years! DEVORA Not my problem!
CADMUS Devora, give me a break. We just met tonight. EVA He does have a point. CADMUS Three centuries! AVERY There has to be a statute of limitations. CADMUS And she was only human. She meant nothing to me. AVERY Ouch. EVA Strike three. DEVORA And I suppose in three centuries you’ll say the same about me! DEVORA storms over to the jukebox, followed by CADMUS. CADMUS No! Trust me. DEVORA This is over. Look at me-- corporeal, intoxicated, and considering sex! DEVORA stands stock still and concentrates. AVERY (Whispers) We’re never going to get rid of them. EVA (Whispers) They’re so high maintenance. AVERY Food? EVA I’ll have what you’re having. AVERY Corn chowder and a turkey club?
EVA Perfect. DEVORA Eva. EVA What? DEVORA Shit. She concentrates again, harder. The humans are intrigued, but CADMUS is getting annoyed. CADMUS Devora. DEVORA Shut up! Let me concentrate. One last strain. DEVORA (CONT’D) There! (to Eva and Avery) Knock knock? ALL Who's there? DEVORA Why can’t change back? Am I stuck like this?! CADMUS Only temporarily. DEVORA You son of a bitch! CADMUS Easy now. AVERY I’ll go tell Zak our order. CADMUS I’ll go with you. AVERY No, you stay with Devora. I’ll be right back. AVERY exits.
CADMUS’ and DEVORA’s phones both chirp. Everyone pulls out their phones to check. DEVORA Do to me what you did to Tiresias. CADMUS I didn’t touch him. DEVORA Unlock my phone. CADMUS No. DEVORA Then send the virus now. CADMUS I’m still not sure-DEVORA Then unlock mine. She hands him her phone. He enters the codes. CADMUS Fine. DEVORA Why the big fuss? CADMUS If this fails I want you protected. DEVORA That’s sweet. DEVORA leans over, takes his face in her hands, and kisses him. He leans forward for another kiss but she stops him. DEVORA (CONT’D) Send it now. He presses some buttons on his phone. CADMUS Done.
She kisses him, which leads to them making out again. AVERY enters. AVERY Everything okay? EVA I haven't been at a party like this since the ninth grade. AVERY We’re being guarded by horny teenagers. Must be why they aren’t allowed to take on a human body. EVA Hello? Go use the room! CADMUS You don’t understand what this is like. AVERY You’d never get any work done. DEVORA I know! AVERY A planet of abandoned consumers. EVA Such a tragedy. So many people deprived of their deaths. DEVORA This isn’t a joke. What we do is important. AVERY You kill people for a living. CADMUS Not really. AVERY You ensure that a person dies at the right time, right? EVA Like assassins. DEVORA That’s not fair.
AVERY No? You’re invisible, you watch us every minute, and when the time is right-- according to your bosses-- you snuff us out. Is that fair to say? CADMUS He has a point. DEVORA What we do is important. EVA Cutting a life short is important? DEVORA We also save your lives many times. AVERY But in the end, its all just to kill us. DEVORA Death is the natural end to life. AVERY And you are right there to ensure it. DEVORA I do my job. EVA Devora? DEVORA Yes? EVA Did one of you watch my little Jenny die? DEVORA Yes. Amaterasu was with her. EVA Someone who could have done something? Stopped her from riding her bike into the street? Stopped the driver? DEVORA Eva, no. We have some influence, but not to change the outcome. I'm sorry. EVA Excuse me.
EVA exits towards the rest rooms. DEVORA Great. CADMUS We never question, we just... kill. DEVORA Why is this happening? Why do I care what she thinks? She’s just my job! What the hell is happening to me? AVERY What happens afterwards? CADMUS After what? AVERY We die? Heaven, Hell, Limbo, Reincarnation? CADMUS I’ve never known. We free the soul, and then it crosses over. AVERY How? DEVORA It sort of fades away. AVERY You’ve never asked where you send us? DEVORA No. We’re not supposed to get attached. You live, we watch, you die. We move on. AVERY You take the lives but you don't have to live them. What about Eva? Look at any parent who has lost a child. Can you honestly tell me that the death of her daughter served any purpose? DEVORA You think I wanted her to die? She was the sweetest little girl! I experienced her birth. I was there when she took her first steps. I saw her put her first tooth under her pillow. But she was not my consumer. Amaterasu was good to her! She made the death as painless as she could. I was with Eva.
CADMUS hugs her to comfort her. CADMUS Shhh. Shhhh. I am right here. DEVORA Let go! You son of a bitch! Before tonight I did my job well and now I am in a body and I can’t make sense of anything! CADMUS I know, just calm down. AVERY I’m sorry. This whole evening has been... I feel like I’ve lost my mind. CADMUS Understandable. Perhaps you should check on Eva. AVERY Maybe Devora should-DEVORA Please? AVERY I’ll be back. AVERY goes to the bathroom to join EVA. DEVORA I handled that badly. CADMUS Look at me. We’ll help each other get through this. DEVORA Just a few more hours. CADMUS None of us are in any shape to keep this up. DEVORA It’s dangerous to be around you. Every emotion is just so strong. CADMUS I know. I just want to hold you and protect you.
DEVORA I want that too. They look each other in the eye and slowly kiss. He lifts her and carries her out the lobby door. ACT 2 SCENE 2, CONTINUES EVA and AVERY enter from the rest rooms. AVERY Are you sure you’re okay? EVA That was... just hard to hear. AVERY I know. This whole situation makes me so... mad? Sad? I don’t know how to feel. EVA And, after all of that, they just left us. AVERY I don’t miss them. They sit at a table. EVA It's not her fault, but I’m angry at her. At both of them. More questions for God, right? A few more hours. AVERY Yes. Would you like something to drink? EVA Please. Strange to think that I won’t see the sun rise. AVERY goes to the bar. AVERY Another white russian? EVA Might as well. AVERY Been a while since I have tended bar.
EVA I keep feeling like I’ve forgotten something. AVERY How do you mean? EVA All this week I tried to tie up loose ends. Paid off bills, sent thank you letters for things, two letters of recommendation, but i still feel like i forgot something. AVERY Not me. No one will miss me for a while. EVA I do wish... AVERY What? EVA Nothing much. I’d like to call TJ, my ex. Say goodbye. AVERY Do it. AVERY brings the drinks to the table and sits beside EVA. EVA No. He wouldn’t want to hear from me, especially not in the middle of the night. But I’m afraid he’ll blame himself. And it’s my fault. I failed him. I failed them both. AVERY I don’t think you could have. Shitty things happen. People get sick, people die, lovers don’t stay together. EVA Have you ever been in love? True love? AVERY My whole life to the same woman. EVA You never told her? AVERY Eventually.
EVA She didn’t love you the same way? AVERY I’m pretty sure she did, but she was married to my childhood friend by the time I got up the courage to say anything. EVA What did she do? AVERY By that point we were already having an affair. EVA Really? AVERY It was wrong, but it was the most right thing I have ever done. EVA What happened? AVERY He caught us and it got ugly. Their divorce, our work. He and I taught at the same college. We both... lost our jobs there. EVA Kids? AVERY She has two. EVA What happened after? AVERY She already had a job offer out of state, so she went. EVA Why didn't you go with her? AVERY She told me she didn't want me. "Any man who would have an affair is not one I could trust in a marriage." EVA But she--
AVERY Yes. EVA And you-AVERY Completely. EVA She'll come around. AVERY A little too late. They drink in silence for a moment. AVERY (CONT’D) Did you mean that about the job? EVA Editing? I did. If I had met you two days ago I would have strong-armed you into being my editor. AVERY Three weeks for two books? I don't know. EVA Not so hard, really. I called him my editor, but he was really more of a copy writer and graphic designer. I publish mostly coffee table books. Poems to go with the photographs. But when we can’t find the poetry, someone has to write a little something. AVERY Who takes the pictures? EVA For these my niece. She won a few awards while in high school, and I needed to get away from my empty house, so I took her to Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon and told her to get me about two hundred shots i could use. It was a glorified camping trip, a chance for us to get away from the city. When we got back I took a look at those shots and was blown away. I hate that cliche but it still is the only phrase that fits. AVERY Cliches from a venerated publisher?!
EVA I’ve never been a good writer, but I can proof copy with the best of them. Besides, what was the last truly original thing you read? AVERY It’s been years. EVA Same here. Every time I would find something I felt was really ground breaking, next thing you know I would run across the source material. AVERY Not even Shakespeare. EVA I know! Of course there was one book... AVERY Which? EVA Read it in high school, on a whim, and there was only one thing original in the whole thing and for that reason I thought it was brilliant. AVERY “If i had cared to live--" EVA "--I surely would have died!" I can’t believe you know it! AVERY Know it? I read that every couple of years. And every time i find something new! EVA Another Silverlock fan. I spent my life looking and only at the end do i find one. AVERY To the Commonwealth of Letters. EVA The Commonwealth. They toast. AVERY You ever read the sequel?
EVA I tried, but never could get through it. AVERY I’ve read Chaucer and Dickens but could never get more than half way. EVA I think it’s just too brilliant to read. AVERY Add that to my list of regrets. EVA I left my books and the company to my niece. AVERY You leave a note? EVA No. My family thinks I am in Miami tonight and catching a cruise in the morning. No cell phone for a month. Even bought two tickets and gave them my itinerary. AVERY Two. EVA Yes. I am with my new beau. Hence, no cell phone. AVERY Sneaky. EVA You leave a note? AVERY No one to read it if I had. EVA I wrote a letter to Jenny. Its in my suitcase. Don’t expect to be able to bring it to her, but I wanted to be ready. AVERY Did you try talking to anyone? EVA Doctors, therapy, my niece. Nothing helped. After she died, I turned inward. That's the only way I could cope. But ever since, I don’t feel anything the same way. (MORE)
130. EVA (CONT'D) It's been so long since I have felt anger or passion about anything else. I think that's why needed to come here. I haven’t felt alive since.
AVERY There comes a point... EVA I am so tired. AVERY I understand. EVA The only thing I need right now is some quiet. AVERY You’ll have it. EVA And a hug. AVERY sits beside her and hugs her tightly. AVERY Here. Everything will be all right. EVA Thank you. Just please don't let go. It's been so long since anyone really held me. AVERY I have missed this, too. ACT 2, SCENE 3 SCENE CONTINUES DEVORA saunters in from the lobby clad only in a sheet. DEVORA When you said it would be good, you never said it would be that good! Wow! She sits beside them and lays across their laps. DEVORA (CONT’D) I feel wonderful. This sex thing is great! AVERY That's it? You guys are done?
DEVORA He said he needed to rest. EVA Typical. DEVORA He's so cute sleeping there. AVERY Give him a few minutes and he’ll be ready again. DEVORA Will it be as good the second time? EVA It will be better. DEVORA Better than that? EVA Of course. DEVORA How? EVA Well, that's hard to say. Avery? ZAK, bearing a tray of food, enters from the lobby, followed by TIRESIAS. ZAK Room service. AVERY Perfect timing. DEVORA Zak’s back! ZAK Girl, where are your clothes? DEVORA Up in Cadmus’ room! ZAK Then go be with them. Now.
TIRESIAS Oh, this is all kinds of wrong. ZAK And I thought the karaoke room was going crazy. Why is she in a sheet? And where’s the other one? AVERY Post-coital nap. TIRESIAS What have you two done? DEVORA We had sex! ZAK Well, good for you. Here’s your food. Sandwiches, soup, and hot fudge sundaes. Fudge on the side. EVA Hot fudge sundaes? AVERY Of course. I thought we deserved a treat. EVA A goodbye indulgence. TIRESIAS He’d better have sent that virus or we’re all screwed! ZAK Did you make more white russians? AVERY Of course not. Wink wink. And of course we’ll tip well. ZAK Then I can overlook just about anything not wrapped in a sheet. DEVORA Do you want the sheet back? ZAK No! Keep your distance from me. DEVORA Why?
ZAK Because you look like you’re having a good night. TIRESIAS At least she looks good in a sheet. DEVORA You’re both right! You should try sex sometime! ZAK I have. DEVORA Good for you. What about you? TIRESIAS Me? DEVORA Yes, you. AVERY I have. DEVORA I know you have. Him. ZAK Who? TIRESIAS The invisible one next to you. DEVORA Yes, the invisible one next to you. AVERY There's another one here? DEVORA Of course. Tiresias, Avery, Avery, Tiresias. ZAK Who's Tiresias? EVA Blind prophet. AVERY Greece, 200 BC. ZAK Her imaginary friend?
DEVORA No. Kind of like my boss. Aw, Tiresy- Tire- Ty. There is no easy way to shorten that. TIRESIAS Much to my relief. DEVORA Awww, let them see you. TIRESIAS No. EVA Avery, is she serious? AVERY She’s a bit of a train wreck tonight. ZAK Think so? DEVORA Come on, T-Bone. I heard the name T-Bone once. Come on T-Bone, meet Avery. She grabs TIRESIAS and pushes him toward AVERY, forcing them to shake hands. AVERY actually feels his hand. TIRESIAS Devora, let go. He’ll be able to-AVERY I felt him! EVA Really? AVERY Yes, he's really there. He feels really old. TIRESIAS Old? AVERY Ancient. ZAK When I’m the sane one, its time to end the party.
DEVORA No, stay here. You’re kind of cute. And you still never felt my breasts. Come here. DEVORA starts to pursue ZAK around the bar ZAK No, please lady! They really aren't my thing. AVERY His hand felt like parchment. So dry and rough. He must be incredibly old! TIRESIAS Look, I don’t need this from you humans. DEVORA Oh, stop running. I promise not to hurt you! EVA Where’s he now? ZAK Stay the hell away from me! AVERY I don't know. He must be so helpless he can't show himself. TIRESIAS grabs a glass of water from the bar and splashes it in AVERY's face. EVA Did he do that? AVERY Yes! We know you're there! So go ahead and appear! AVERY and EVA are standing at the bar. DEVORA has cornered ZAK at the rest rooms. She opens her sheet to flash him. DEVORA Please, just tell me that you like my body. ZAK Lady, I’m gay! I don’t give a shit about your body! I like my junk on the outside! Now cover yourself up!
DEVORA You are just so cute! I want to eat you up. DEVORA chases a screaming ZAK off into the rest rooms. ZAK Hhhheeeeeelllllpp!!!!! TIRESIAS Shit, shit, shit! TIRESIAS crosses behind the bar and ducks out of sight. EVA Is he going to be okay? AVERY How much harm could she do? TIRESIAS pops up behind the bar, now visible to AVERY and EVA. TIRESIAS Enough! Okay, you win! Help him, please? AVERY I can see you, now. TIRESIAS No shit. Do something! EVA He’s real. TIRESIAS Thank you. EVA He’s not old. TIRESIAS Thank you. EVA In fact, he’s very attractive. TIRESIAS Do something! AVERY Eva, any ideas?
EVA crosses to the rest room door. EVA Devora, I think Cadmus is awake by now! Devora? DEVORA runs in. DEVORA Really? Do you think he might be up again? Haha, up! I certainly hope he is! What do I do? EVA Do? Go to him. TIRESIAS Did you hurt him? DEVORA Who? Cadmus? TIRESIAS No. Zak. DEVORA He locked the door on me. EVA Hurry, Devora! AVERY Take a sundae. TIRESIAS If I go in, Zak’ll see me. EVA Good idea. Take this. DEVORA Why? Is he hungry? EVA Maybe, but try this-TIRESIAS Avery, check on Zak. AVERY In a sec-EVA whispers in DEVORA’s ear. DEVORA Cold ice cream there? Oh. Oh! That sounds fun!
EVA Now go before it melts! DEVORA Wish me luck! DEVORA runs out the lobby door. EVA Zak! Are you okay? TIRESIAS Please be alive. ZAK enters slowly from the rest rooms. ZAK Where is she? EVA Zak, honey, she’s gone. You can relax. ZAK Get away! No more breasts! EVA I'll go get you a drink. EVA walks to the bar and pours him a drink as Avery and TIRESIAS help ZAK to a table. AVERY Here, would you rather we helped you up? ZAK Yes, thank you. TIRESIAS Let's sit you down at the table. ZAK Thank you. Who are you? TIRESIAS Just a friend. ZAK sits with AVERY and TIRESIAS. EVA brings ZAK a drink. EVA Here, drink this.
ZAK Thank you. How messed up was that? EVA She's actually very sweet. ZAK Like Jaws with tits. AVERY She's drunk and horny. And a handsome guy like you crosses her path.... ZAK You think so? AVERY That she’s drunk and horny? ZAK That I’m handsome. AVERY Sure. ZAK I’m single and vulnerable. TIRESIAS Oh no. AVERY Sorry. Not my type. ZAK Pity. TIRESIAS Zak, are you okay? ZAK All I need now is a little quiet. AVERY You got it. ZAK And a hug. After an awkward moment AVERY hugs ZAK. ZAK (CONT’D) Why does she freak me out so much?
AVERY She has her problems. ZAK I don't think she's real. EVA What do you mean? ZAK It's like she's just not human, you know? AVERY I think I do. ZAK This is nice. It’s been so long. ZAK lays across AVERY’s lap. EVA We were just saying that. ZAK That feels great. AVERY Good. ZAK Your hands are so strong. Please don't ever stop rubbing my back. AVERY Maybe this isn't a good idea. Zak rolls over to face Avery. ZAK Hello. AVERY Hi. ZAK Kiss me. AVERY But... look I-- Its not that I’m not flattered-Eva? ZAK sits up, quickly dropping the Blanche DuBois bit.
ZAK I’m just messing with you. But remember an experience is not a lifestyle change. AVERY I will keep that in mind. EVA "Wise words, in mouths of fools, do oft themselves belie." ZAK You said it, sister. But I do really miss it. Cuddling. How do you straight men do it? We women can be psychos sometimes. EVA We women? TIRESIAS Only the really short ones? AVERY Only sometimes? EVA Watch it! ZAK Well, sometimes we are sweet and sensitive. But after seeing that display, I swear to you, as God is my witness, I will never take ecstasy again. I can only imagine how it must make me look. Who’s he again? AVERY That’s Tiresias. TIRESIAS Nice to meet you. ZAK Is he yours? AVERY Mine? No, he’s yours. TIRESIAS Zak, you on E is actually kind of entertaining. ZAK How do you know?
TIRESIAS You throw yourself at every man you see. ZAK I should be creeped out. TIRESIAS Yet you’re not. ZAK Yet I’m not. Why not? TIRESIAS You know who I am. ZAK I know who you are. He was telling the truth. TIRESIAS Yes. ZAK So you know everything about me? TIRESIAS Yes. ZAK And you can read my mind? TIRESIAS No, but I can put thoughts into your head. ZAK Bull. There's no way that anyone could do-Sing out, Louise! (he begins to sing) GOSH IT DISTURBS ME TO SEE YOU, GASTON LOOKING SO DOWN IN THE DUMPS I DREAMED A DREAM IN TIME GONE BY WHEN HOPE WAS HIGH AND LIFE WORTH LIVING I DREAMED THAT LOVE WOULD NEVER DIE I DREAMED THAT GOD WOULD BE FORGIVING AND EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSE! EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES! EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROSES THIS TIME FOR ME! AVERY, TIRESIAS and EVA applaud. ZAK (CONT’D) What the fuck?! You did that! TIRESIAS Just put the thoughts in your head.
ZAK What’s your name again? TIRESIAS Tiresias. ZAK Who the hell are you, really? TIRESIAS Just what you think I am. ZAK And you’ve been here all along. TIRESIAS And always will be. ZAK But why? TIRESIAS It’s my job. ZAK Oh. TIRESIAS But I chose you. ZAK Why? TIRESIAS Because I could see, before you were born, just how much talent and joy you had inside you and I wanted to be there to witness it. ZAK My life’s been pretty shit so far. TIRESIAS Makes the future so much better. ZAK But I don’t-TIRESIAS Oh, you have been singing the duet that ends act one for the last two weeks! Put it paper, get it on disc, and send it off! ZAK You think its ready?
TIRESIAS Yes! Now get out of here before we both start crying in front of these people! ZAK runs over to TIRESIAS and gives him a huge hug. ZAK Thank you for this. TIRESIAS I’ve broken so many rules at this point. Now I shoot from the hip. ZAK Can you sing? TIRESIAS Been with you at every lesson. ZAK grabs a bottle of liquor from the bar. ZAK Come on. We have the duet to write! Good night, everyone. This bar is officially closed! ZAK exits through the lobby door. TIRESIAS Tell the other two-EVA We will. TIRESIAS And thank them for me. AVERY Good luck, Tiresias. ZAK leans his head in the lobby door. ZAK Hello! Tiresias, you are one slacker of a guardian angel. TIRESIAS You want to perform the complete Nutcracker out in the parking lot, in your skivvies? ZAK Take your time.
TIRESIAS Good night. Are you two really ready for closure? EVA What else is there for us? TIRESIAS Tonight the rules have all were instrumental in that. night. You make the rules. architects of destiny. Now upstairs. There’s music to changed. You two Don’t forget this You are the I have to go be written!
TIRESIAS and ZAK exit. ACT 2 SCENE 4, SCENE CONTINUES AVERY gets up and crosses behind the bar. EVA I’m tired. AVERY Come on, let’s get out of here. EVA Where? AVERY Run away with me. EVA You're kidding. AVERY You heard Tiresias. What have we got to lose? We came here with nothing left, right? EVA Right. Nothing has changed. AVERY Wrong. Everything has changed. EVA They'll find us. AVERY What's the worst thing they can do? Force us to live?
EVA But the blizzard? AVERY We borrow Zak's snowmobile. Avery runs behind the bar to get Zak’s keys. EVA And go where? Everything is closed. AVERY My house is a few blocks from here. EVA That's the first place Cadmus will look. AVERY True. Didn't Zak say there were still rooms at the Alzacar? EVA The one that looks like The Shining? AVERY By the time they realize we aren't in the building we'll be gone. We'll leave the keys for Zak at the other hotel. EVA Then what? AVERY We take my car as soon as the roads are open. EVA Then just start driving? AVERY First to Columbus. Roads to the south weren’t hit badly. I get us two tickets to Miami while you call the cruise line and tell them you were snowed in but that we can still make the cruise. EVA I don't know about this. AVERY Look, you left your company to your niece, right?
EVA Yes? AVERY But she inherits it two books shy. EVA With my funeral and the estate red tape, she should have at least a month or two. She could pull together something in that time. AVERY Let's give her a real goodbye gift! We now have a story that blows away every other "Touched By An Angel" account. EVA But no one will believe this-AVERY Exactly! So we can just write the truth. Two volumes, easy! EVA Do you really think I could do this? AVERY I would rather go out being chased across the Caribbean than hanging in a hotel room. How about you? EVA This is like a James Bond movie. AVERY (imitating Sean Connery) Sho, Mish Moneypenny. Shall we make our eggzhit? EVA Moneypenny? How about Vesper Lind? AVERY Even better. EVA If you keep me entertained, I might call you Goldfinger. AVERY Wouldn’t that make you--? EVA Don’t say it!
AVERY Shall we? EVA We should take the service elevator. Avoid our “friends”. AVERY Good point. They cross behind the bar. EVA takes the little bowl of hot fudge as she crosses. EVA Its a sin to waste anything chocolate. EVA dips a finger and puts it in her mouth. She offers the bowl to AVERY. He does the same. EVA (CONT’D) And the best stories end with a chase. AVERY This will make one hell of a book. They cross to the kitchen door. EVA Two. Or a play? AVERY How are you going to show invisible people on a stage? EVA Not our problem. We’re just writing it. They stop at the kitchen door face to face. EVA (CONT’D) You have some chocolate on your lip. AVERY Where? EVA I'll get it. She kisses him, getting the chocolate.
EVA (CONT’D) Thank you. AVERY No, thank you. EVA Our first date is a cruise. AVERY We have to get there first. Let’s get our stuff and get going. She kisses him again and they run out the kitchen door. As the door closes both DEVORA's and CADMUS’ phones begin to ring. ACT 2 SCENE 5 SCENE CONTINUES CADMUS and DEVORA enter through the DEVORA wears only and he wears only immediately lobby door. Cadmus’ shirt, his pants.
CADMUS You guys will never believe how great that was! DEVORA Eva? CADMUS Avery?! DEVORA Shit. CADMUS They're gone! DEVORA Check the karaoke room. CADMUS runs out the lobby door to check the karaoke room while DEVORA runs out to the rest rooms. DEVORA is the first to return. DEVORA (CONT’D) Oh, this can’t be happening! The phones stop ringing abruptly. CADMUS runs in from the lobby.
CADMUS Not there, either! The phones start ringing again with a new ringtone... REM's "Its the End of the World as We Know it". They cautiously pick up their phones. CADMUS (CONT’D) Oh, no. DEVORA The virus? CADMUS Yep. DEVORA So what happens? CADMUS It’ll take a while for them to track down the point of origin. But, long before that-- look! The whole system is wide open. They’re never going to be able to contain this. DEVORA We still should find Eva and Avery. Finish the jobs. CADMUS Why? DEVORA I don’t know. CADMUS We could play human for a while. DEVORA How? We have no money. CADMUS The guy left his wallet in my room. That should last us a little while. DEVORA Till they turn the credit cards off. CADMUS True.
DEVORA What about our consumers? CADMUS Where would they go? DEVORA Eva had tickets for a cruise. CADMUS As good a place as any to start. DEVORA Can we do this? CADMUS Who’s going to stop us? DEVORA We could just stay human. CADMUS See the world. Start with a cruise! DEVORA Make love on the beach at midnight. Can you tango? CADMUS Not yet, but we can learn. They embrace and kiss but DEVORA breaks off. DEVORA They left the other ice cream. Ready for round three? She grabs the sundae and exits through the lobby door. CADMUS Hey! My turn with the ice cream! He follows her out the lobby door. END OF PLAY
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue listening from where you left off, or restart the preview.