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tt*-
-//.1 ,ll, ,t r^[,f* \'^t)"*y7
Someonehadstoren^,^.{r*l;!o7;!^rr&#ir,r}.*-^,*n,,rYorryingthat
the crrrnching noise in his ears was not a tearby jackhammer, but his teeth grinding in fury.

3*g.ven more worrying was that his heart was not where he had ""F
''" seerLit last. It wa^ -^+ I

thumprng cheerfully away in his chest ffiJlrat


U;i-;.:i'"''J*'l'\"\
*^,
*&
was nothing unusuaf '$(/hu, -uS-,r.rr])ual

that it was nol happily,floanqg in its mayonnaise iar ffiinside a,chaing{-pp,beFr cooJer
, J- lfo*'ytl.'i<-f 'p;[r'-1 rl e*... t)'* i "tl urul (L;+ ltryTo-
t
^' I G{".4 in ke a"lubt-""4n#"n, refriseraror in his cellar-l#^k*r -"or.E#"frnK
*
'" Y[f'4'U*ft{dinary
(\f was that he was now stnfnping down the street at 3 AM on a Nfednesday in combat
t V LuY
f'r?..1lil'tx" hw P^ffi'
; tP Th" ot.!o!a dg
;;ffi ;;:
#^r ,t-", h"frS/
.-
.*actly where to start looking. He charged toward the
w
put ofKrcwn even shifrier than therogle hg cpllpd home,- whoever had taken his heart

hnd bedr known what they -.r. ao1qffi #"r%^;f;"" or trip the myriad security

t ,*'l systems he had around r^or^un&nfk*1,


- i> *ft>)
bteal-rng.

e. s*€mp€d on down the street a

{rewspapers on park benches, *"qii*ff sorts of horrible thinSj Those bums, feeding bits

of his heart to gateful plg.orrJ:W"few bites themselvey Small chd&en, playing a

very messy game of kickba$ Drunks in abat,using it as a dartboard and hitting a bullseye

every time.
.///r)
l/ (-/
to

and televisions with the screens kicked in.


r'V
He didn't m bother with the door handie*re knew it was locked.$ instead simpiy
threw himself at the door, banging and kicking and yelling at the top of his lungs and making*
/
as much of a God-awful racket as was humanly possible./Didn't particulady like ty;::rl
liked taising a racket, especially on a night as apparently dangerous as this ope, ol)/J
/kl:-+*t
sometimes there was simply no subtle way of going about p.rsinesslSrif-tti.qb"

necessary.

"6onejt t:efor;''jll'::r
"MELVIN!" he bellowed, hammering on the door.
J *U 31'f"1,
t"\t?Y * I
witl die iryou don't get your ass out o '/:'
herqrigb*$ie.-"
tt (i/uyv
fT,)- ,*h'/l'
J
"For God's sake,Ztlch, shut your damn howler, do you wanfla wake up the whole street?!"

"I will if you don't open this door, I'll scream to high heaven about a{ ;hat 'sensidve

merchandise'you've got sitting in the back room - and then snortftffi or..trYou really

, just shut up in the name of all that's good and holy!" The door flew open, and

Zilch found himself dragged bodily inside by the fiont of his pajama shirt. "Now. What in

gave a dismissive jetk of his head and took a deep breath, or rather went through the

motions of breathing. No lungs inflated inside his ribcage, but still, the ritual helped calm

him down. He smoothed his rumpled clothes and mussed black hair, and reverted to a cool

norm. "Now. I couldn't sleep tonight. I went downstairs for some pineapple and horse

tranquilizet-"

"Horse ftanks?!"
tnlg
v
I /,. _,[t
h,rt :f'5
smile, and picked absently at a piece of duct tape sttetched across his forehead. "Anyway.

Since I was up, I checked to make sure everything was... present and accounted for. My

heart was missing. Gone. Everything else is intact liver, lungs, spleen, both intestines, I
J,'#'v
-
made sure - just the heart was missing. I certainly did not move it from its secure place. I

would never allow anyone access to that room, much less that.. . container. Nobody has

been in or out - except that, cleady, they have. Someone has stolen my heart, Melvin, and I
w
u/ant to know who."

"So why the hell come here and bother me in the middle of the night?" The greasy, balding

man grumped, tying the belt of his bathrobe a litde tighter. "I dunno where your stupid heart

is."

'qWell n ntegesn2tg,pec
t 7r llc /r*la,n
p"l6,*r"rpVac€.

have had a direct hand in my missing organ - tn fact,I'm sure you did. You lied before,
you'te tryi"g to be too careful - everyone knows I have aheatt, they just don't know where I

keep it. So why don't you make it much, much easier on both of us, and just tell me where it
is. so I can go home, eat my pineapple and hg:seyanqtt'iliz.ercgnd go to bgdf / , /
4/*'h^fu*.1* - {hr7 .s anl hcTc y'.2*1''fp,,7
iVlelvin shrugged his round shoulders #i*r th. elp.ression furd on tfe faye of , '- J
"t\{g/glrt
bemused walrus. "f dunno what to tell ya, Ztlcb,- I ain't seen the damn thing ever before,

,'
tb"
asaid..'j , there is y in hell you

could think - that - unless you had very specific dealings with it. It's over, Mel why are you
I

sri,,rying,ohide?,, I JLt,Jt htY:!:l:'b+-+,b"'aaL S^3)


"*r\f}'
"I told you akeady{I dunno nothin'about no heart or who wants to have sex with it-"

"Oh my God,",7rlch He feit hke taking I and


";,t;x+"i"
somebody.
vQ,*
cann ot be ha p6y@ i+u
Melvin. I'm going to give you one last chance, and then I'm really goirg to be cranky."

ones that came from Melvin.

ThehappyoIangethingthatbounceddownthestreetwaSnot,infact,@L
a young man with rather badly-dyed orange hnd a penchant for splashing
"@U"t
ugh puddles and piaying hopscotch on grids that only existed in the sidewalk in his

@*barelv managed to stop before smackingflcgfrst into


d-"-1.-t\
also miraculously avoided dropping the small plastic-wrapped packag{h{cutned,and played

hackey-sack with at tandom intervals.

saw the tall, sharp - and frankly scary - figure inside. "Oh, you're not Mel. Is he around herc

somewhere?"

Zrlch's head whigped arowrd to an ansle@fittins fpr an qwl or I


possessed childl
tt5 t,t',..c,4'-
of a human. He
L1,P$r!..forr-5
didn't seem.rnuch oerrufbed,* the crackins of ioints
-ta'
and what was likely bone - he was, however, quite'

appeafal)ce.
"He's * indisposed at the moment!" Zilch growled through cienched teeth, and made an odd

squifming movement. He hadn't tumed all the way around, and seemed to be fighting to

keep his back to the boy, and to keep somethrng still thlt was hidden behind the shop's sale

counter. /l^Lrr{ *'i't*S'


V
P:J"V
"Oh. Okay." The young man ftown"ilbut brightened almost immediately - nothing put a

damper on his spirits fot long. '{Well, if you see him, tell him that I had a real problem

getting dris thingy to work." He waved the small package right gg$er Zrlc$s nose. TlTe faint
5q^' ,fl.1 4 IY wall*t*--
smell of formaldehyde was familiar, but Zilch couldn't4d'wny'nele.6guz"A.ft from or

why it would be importan{F-t


tl
name's Finn, by the way, short for Finneus, call me Frnny if
you want, what's yours?" He said all of this very fast.

"My flame's 'get the fuck out of here'l" Zilch snaded, and smacked at whatever it was behind

busy!"

"Really? \X&at are you doing? Is it fun?"

"No! It's none of yout-"

"AAAAAGH!" there was a God-awfrrl SHHLLICK-ing noisg, qnd Vetvin suddenly

appeared from behind the counter coveted in blood,


?ltubv
gJa;;dv*hat
- looked like a broken-

th at the blood and innards covering

and the gaping, blood-gushing hoie that had

suddenly appeared in Zilch's stomach.


A'r
Melvin screamed too, simply because it seemed the right thing to do after having e#s head

stuck inside another mafl's chest cavity.


flhere $/as a small explosion outside, but nobody paid that afiy mind.)

holding his head underwater for a while... so to speak. That's a11."

|
' u rr I) wiqeled
Finny w r*sr'
" made,scard little',1,'9.'
" and
?,1;'.^"tf;'Tff fJ : ;';{-il] 6"4fit fv *'
Tmmqh" noisesT tt | -
"All right." ZWWI. "I'm goir{ tolet go of your"mouth. Nobody is going to hurt you.

But if you scream, you'Il find yourself in the same place Bloody Mary here just came out of."

He slowly let go of Finn's face (who, to his credit, did not screech {**himself), and

glated down at him. "Now. nflhat do you say?"

"... You're bleeding on me."

"7;):filt;Trr7:h held his skin back together, pulled up on a small metal tabv666s>

@*ff t"r"Y"d zipped himseif un like a trlood-drenched r^7ncoat. "Now then." He said
lr[* S4 ,[.*fi*, r*o Ju.\r'lt.
with a forced, tight smile/ .t"ndt g!ryl andXhooting a shaqp\@-nce back at the coweling

Melvin. "Now that we're all propetly hotrified, about me getting my... desired item
t'/ow
back?"

"Hey! Wait a second!" Fi*y ieaped up and bounced on the spot. "I've got something for

Melvin too, gotta fetum it or maybe he can fix it, it's not working and I dunno what's wrong

with -"
..Listen,kid.Youcanfetu1nyoursub_parmerchandise|ateL,'Zi1ch@

tumed his back to Finn. "I've got business with him, so you iust scamper right along there.'

,.-
Mel. Old pal. I really don't feel like sticking your heacldvhete the sun never sfilnes \
Iti*"-.
again."

-y
"Ooh! Ooh!" Finny was doing a little dance in place, raising his hand like an excited child in

schogl-'N4t

^frM#;.#,
? secol

#pe:kk^r
"Come on, if you let me go frst, I'll shut up and leave you alone, I promise!"

Zilch consideted. "That's the only thing that'll get you to shut your face and leave, is it?"

r\
'xep.{rayo-u ulr"u4yffi-h/w loud t }tyet"
{urclvsP{Yl
'qVell, I could just kill yJu right now and be done with it."

rhe completely empry fi."-{1s*t'


hqd sqtlpak
\i* t'f::hFinfy
The cash register
[
."plod@ed 1':* 1o'1 t.1:5**t.4cJchba ' around- wnngmg

his hands and

"Ohmigod! I'm so sorry - that happens,-when I get scared or mad or happy or sexy-feeling

ot anything, really! Things blow up -"


-
"That was YOU?!" ZtTch dema
lL
il
fi;;Veal"t... I mean - yeah! And - and I'll dfit again,
ryL=
"Okay, gteatl" Finny on his heels, hands on his hips.

"You should go get him, you know his house better thafl me."
*W'hat the hell d'you
mean, he's right. .." Ztfch fumed around and frowned.

block wasn't just sleepy, it was dead. Melvin was gone, and so was his heart.

His hands balled into fistsradhe was looking for a suitable target for his cold rage and
| . f L | +/
0
A!^^,\,-1""(f11
gowing panic when Finny zipped
"n
o",ltlr*;J-"st foftunate thatzrtch

remembered the explosive effect an attack could have on the young man, and buried his

anger and feat in a dark cornet of his brain. Hurting him wasn't something he wanted to do

anyw^y.

"Aww! Now I'li have to wait until tomoffow to give this back to |rm!'i He pulledlthe paper

wrappedpackageoutofhispocketagilnatd'h^pp.n{M;th,#'|:k.phying
with it anyway."

Zilch grunted miserably, and wondered what felony andf or sex act was being performed on

his heart at that momeflt.

'Teah, it's gotta be broken or something." Finny was holding the obiect up to his eye and

tunring it atound. "It's supposed to grant wishes, Melvin said! And I wished for everything I
could think of - a sandwich, to be king of the world, to not make things explode whenever I

and staredll"Finneus. That... belongs to me."

"Huh?" Finny blinked.

"That in your hand. That's - my heatt!" Zilch was almost smiling now, a real smile, one that
came ftorq nearly meltipgiqto a puddle of telief. But the smile immediately fuoze and turned
t\rrrt b tffi?
to accusing stEel. "It was you."
\-
"No, I ptomiselfpome on, you think I could sneak in any'vrhere? It must've been somebody

else, I dunno who! Stealing's bad, I di.dn't know it was stolen! I was just supposed to deliver

it to the buyer. But... I got curious, Mel said it granted wishes and - I wanted to see if it

wotked! And then I couldn't take a broken heart to the buyer guy! It wouldn't be right."

"Fine. Give it back."

uffy'7
"But - I'il get in trouble! The buyer-"
'qMon't^T/ant it anp,l'a|'. The thrng floqsn't gr3nt wishes 1 and if's NQT ag aphrodipiac, that's
dfpw42\Wx +A lL& lrgo*+ ,wY 4c&ftPrry^+-
hornfuingl[All it does is keep uV., so] speak. And don't riotru
d. angrv bYvers.
^Og
Anyone gives you any trouble, I'll give some to them."

"Oh. Okay!" Finneus gladly handed it over to Ztlch,who immediately unzipped his chest

again and popped the thing in.

hard could that be?"


"I
t
can always find another wish-gtanting,

1k5
lt'
*4,),
Zilch was about to land a scathing blow on pinni#elf-erVk{Ul,
F1 ,

',ffi",n:",W$"L
sexyhef.How

rI-Yrni"gY"p#e hr[
t

The open, honest desire to please in those big eyes, the apparently boundless optimism so

-'Heh.
"topt .t ilT.
alien to Ztlch
aren f,llcn and rus world ol
his woncl of nafo dealing and*s$er
hatd deaxng lifp. "Heh. fiou'te flght.
right. shouldn't
Shouldn't be
"na
,oo hard.,,""
roo hard,, nlo-.ffi ^r ^,41r"
-,F,pR- *,qfu"ifu1
lla,-ilJ d R""-*
n
\
'lrhere ,ft"Uqf5e. Then(Finnbdur\)aW^,fl
rf*,/t/tNtr'^/^#,/"\s,&t
here *was al{ment of
^, ^
shlt wal own
fown
rhe srreer
the s rreer

"'K6illfm hungry,[.,a rt."p'y,^ndf/probably *rr,r rofro-.,Jo. elad I could


({.d,b,\,
/ht y:artp.V
stvevf,vvot,' I/- CN.--/c,t'..t-,rrl
\
"Mm. Thank you. More dran you Sn efer know." Zilch said. and tvned ay/ay.
I
"See you atou d started to hop-skip awayrwAdn Zilcbmade a sort of

throat-clearing a word or cougff\Bless you."


ise
"That wasn't a . How do vou feel about
@rrrffiy
pineapple and horse

Finny grinned and hurdried back over. "Tl:'at sounds great! Waiq did you say horse...?"
v
'Yes, it's for me. This way."

As they walked, Finn nudgedZtlch in the ribs. "Wanna know something funny? One of my

wishes was fot a pineapple sandwich, heee!"

Zilch shook his head. "How someone like you has managed to stay alive in this place rs a

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