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Most people who don’t, think I’m a genius. I fall somewhere in between. I know I’m an asshole. To be an asshole is very liberating because at least I know I am honest. Nice people however are just liars. Nice people want what’s best for themselves just like I do, except they lie about it. They lie out of selfishness, because they want the world to look at them in a nice way. If nice people weren’t such liars they would be assholes too. So far I have written fourteen bestselling self help books and three bestselling autobiography’s. I am the third richest author ever. A newspaper lately claimed that I have saved more lives than God has killed (a bit of an exaggeration but I’ll take it). I have been a guest on the Oprah Winfrey show more than anybody else. Last week I came first in a public poll which asked ’Which celebrity would you most like to see become president?’ I have a beautiful wife and four fantastic kids. You are about to hear the true story of the life of Malcolm Corner. I have just taken an overdose of chemicals which will kill me in forty minutes, actually thirty nine minutes which should be enough time to type the truth for the first time. I want to go out with honesty. Like a true asshole. I wasn’t always like this. I’m sure I began life like everybody else. I don’t think I was a prick when I popped out of my Mother. The things I saw in my first few days on this luscious planet made me who I am. Forget all the lies you may have heard me tell in interviews and in my first autobiography ‘Turning the Corner’ I did not have a happy childhood. My father and mother never really got on. At least since I was born. My older brother and sister told me that they started fighting when I was born. They fought about stupid shit like politics and their views in general which never seemed to be in common. They never agreed on anything. I once heard my mother state that if we call flies, flies then maybe flies call everything else walks. This was a pretty silly thing to say but my father found it so furiously stupid that it sent him into a rage that culminated in him hitting her to floor. After what my brother and sister said about the arguments starting with my birth I completely blamed myself. It wasn’t even the pain that my parents went through that caused the blame but seeing my brother and sister suffer so much really made me feel like I wasn’t wanted in this family. I thought that they would all be better off without me. I ran away when I was thirteen. I never saw my family again. This is when my addiction to moving started. I find it physically impossible to stay in the same place for too long. It has often resulted in me abandoning places and people I love to feed my addiction. I travelled around a lot after leaving home. I worked every kind of job that was going. I saw every kind of horrible person that walked this fertile earth. I think this is when my personality really started to form. I could see that the most evil, disgustingly mean people were also the most successful. The weak, nice people however were always on the bottom rung of every ladder. I decided that I would climb every ladder no matter what or who got in my way. I tried to test this out in a shop I found a job in on the east coast. I started bossing people around as soon as I got there. I didn’t know what I was talking about but it sounded like I did. I got promoted and kept getting promoted until I was running the shop. I moved to New York where I put this same principal into action and ended up running many very profitable businesses.
People began to ask me how I became so successful. I saw in this another promising business adventure. Education of the masses I like to call it. I released my first self help book called ‘How Not To Be A Waster’. My marketing scheme as far as literature is concerned has always been simple. Shove in peoples faces what they are most in secure about, in this case being a waster and tell them how not to be it. It worked like a charm. Sometimes my book titles and straight talking were controversial but the publicity of controversy can never be understated. The ‘How Not To’ series of books became the most successful series of self help books ever published and I owe a lot of it to my controversial titles. My two best-sellers are ‘How Not To Be A Fat Bastard’ and ‘How Not To Always Go Home With The Ugly Bitch‘. My books were mostly directed at helping men which of course pissed off feminists. Of all the people on this glorious star that piss me off the most its feminists. What really do they stand for in this day and age? They go on about how terrible men are and how all men are sexist. What a fucking contradiction. Women who weren’t feminists adored me. Its funny, I helped improve the male race and the people who are most grateful are women. ‘How Not To Fuck Up Your Marriage’ is what really saved the women. Women who were in relationships loved me because I kept them together and women who weren’t loved me because they thought I knew exactly what women wanted. If you have bought any of my books I would now like to take this opportunity to apologise to you. It was probably the biggest waste of money you ever spent. My books tell people nothing that they don’t already know. I honestly know fuck all about weight loss. In ‘How Not To Be A Fat Bastard’ I just state the obvious. All you really need to do is get up off your fat ass, don’t eat as much and get a fuckin’ bit of exercise. Nobody had the balls to ever tell people the shit that is obviously the cause of their pain. People come out with new diets every day, all they are is a cowards attempt at stating the obvious. I was the first person who finally said it. I saved shit loads of lives and made myself very rich. I have always been obsessed with time. I am compulsively punctual. That doesn’t mean I am always early for everything. It just means I am always on time. I hate being early and I am never late. Nothing depresses me more than the waste of time and waiting is the thing in life that frustrates me most. When I was seven my father gave me the stopwatch I keep in my pocket to this day. When he gave it to me he told me a story. “Many years ago” he said “People looked at their calendars and watches and realised that a very special time was upon them. It would be the anniversary of the invention of time. Everybody decided to celebrate this occasion by stopping their watches and clocks for one second. So everybody around the world at the same time pressed their buttons and held their dials for one second. Only when they did this the whole world started to fall apart. Nobody knew when the second would end because nobody could tell the time. For some infinity would pass by in what seemed like a second and for others the exact opposite would happen. Peoples brains melted because nobody could hold onto memories when they didn’t know how long ago they happened. The world slipped into a time warp until one man emerged from his home. This man had lived his whole life in a time warp so he never had heard about the celebration. His stopwatch still read the correct time. He saved the world by correcting the time on every single clock and watch. This man had lived a very boring and meaningless life so he decided to put time back to when he was a child so he could live his life again. He became the wealthiest, most successful man that has ever breathed fresh air. I met him one time when I was your age and he told me his story. He gave me his watch and told me to give it to my son when he turns seven. This is the watch that stopped time.” The one person who could never benefit from any of my books is my wife Rita. Since I met her she
has inspired many of the words that are between the thick covers of my bullshit self help books. She has never asked for or needed help. A self help book defeats the meaning of self help. You can’t help yourself if you have to read a book about how to do it. She is perfect. I hate leaving her. I will miss you Rita. When I post this note on my website my time will have ended for me. It is my son Seans seventh birthday today. My body will not be found. I will have time to reach the place of my end on this world where nobody will find me. I have left my watch for Sean. It will read the incorrect time.
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