Bailiff: All Rise for the honorable judge Begres [enter Begress, who stands behind podium] Begres

: What do you have for me today? Bailiff: The state of Greece vs. Plato, who is accused of knowing nothing Begres: Great, another one of these. Plato, how do you plead? Plato: Innocent. Begres: Prosecution may proceed. Prosecutor: I would like to call Plato as my witness. [Plato takes stand] Bailiff: [swears Plato in] Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Plato: I do Prosecutor: I understand that you believe that we cannot perceive the world. Plato: We cannot truly perceive the world. Prosecutor: So what do we perceive? Plato: We perceive imperfect aspects of ideal forms. We only know the forms before we are born. After we are born we forget them, so we cannot perceive them as they truly are. We perceive only imperfect images of the perfect forms. Prosecutor: I see. So would you please describe judge begres for the court? Plato: Well, she is beautiful… and just – Prosecutor: [interrupting] how beautiful is she? Plato: She possesses great beauty, the likes of which I have never seen before. Prosecutor: So is she ideally beautiful?

Plato: … Well… [stalling] Prosecutor: Answer the question! Plato: No, she is not ideally beautiful. But ideal beauty is unattainable Prosecutor: Is she ideally just? Plato: Ideal justice is – Prosecutor: [interrupting] Answer the question! Plato: No. Prosecutor: Do you not have any respect for this court of law? Defense: I object! Judge: [bangs gavel] overruled. Prosecutor: You see your honor, that Plato does not believe in perception, therefore he cannot perceive anything and he cannot know anything. As evidence of this I have demonstrated that he does not know how to behave in a courtroom, for he has called you ugly and unjust. Prosecution rests. Defense: Plato, do you have knowledge? Plato: I suppose that depends on what you mean by ‘knowledge’ Defense: If you know how to fix a car or calculate a math problem that’s knowledge. Plato: Those are examples of knowledge, but what is knowledge? Defense: Knowledge is true belief. If something is true and you believe it then you have knowledge of it. Plato: But lawyers create belief of untrue things all the time. Prosecution: I object! Judge: [bangs gavel] overruled.

Defense: So knowledge is obviously not true belief. What if we add justification to it? Plato: Perhaps, but how would you justify that you know something? Defense: I could compare it to something else. Plato: and how would you justify that you know something else? Defense: I would compare that to something else. Plato: You are going to spend a lot of time making comparisons. Defense: I see what you mean. So do you believe that you have just as much of a claim on knowledge as the rest of us? Plato: Yes. Defense: No further questions. Begress: [bangs gavel] I hereby find plato guilty of having no knowledge and insulting the court. You are hereby sentenced to drink hemlock from Foster. [Plato drinks hemlock, has a melodramatic death scene. Ham it up]