PEETEY By Nicholas Anderson

PO Box 18631 Encino, CA 91416 nicholas.anderson08@yahoo.com

LEGEND: (NARRATOR reads along) THIS MOVIE, WHILE PARTIALLY BASED ON PARTIAL AND IMPARTIAL FACTS, IS PARTIALLY TRUE. TO IMPART PART OF THE FACTS, SOME HISTORICAL FACTS ARE PARTIALLY TRUE WHILE OTHER UNHISTORICAL FACTS ARE QUITE IMPARTIAL TO THE NON-TRUTH. THE FACT OF THE FACTS IS THESE FACTS ARE IMPARTIALLY PARTIAL. HOWEVER, WHATEVER SEEMS LIKE FACT MAY INDEED BE FACT OR MAY NOT BE FACT AT ALL. SO IN CONCLUSION, WHAT IS PARTIALLY TRUE AND WHAT IS IMPARTIALLY UNTRUE IS, IN PART, LEFT TO YOU, THE AUDIENCE, TO IMPART; AND TO DETERMINE IF THESE FACTS ARE, IN FACT, FACTS. FADE IN EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY Docked on the shoreline. The ship’s name, King Henry VIII, seen on the ship’s side. ANGLE WIDENS to reveal English PRIVATEERS busily cleaning the ship and singing joyfully. PRIVATEERS (chorus) "With a yo ho ho and a yee hee hee/ We find ourselves drinking plenty o’ tea/ We mop all day ’til our backs are sore/ And we have really nasty canker sores!" CUT TO: CLOSEUP - CALICO’S EYES Bulging with terror. Roving left to right anticipating imminent peril. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO: CALICO’S FACE Perspiration oozing from every pore. Rapid, strenuous breathing. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO:

2.

EXT. TROPICAL SANDY BEACH - DAY CALICO JACK, a stereotypical-looking pirate, and his pirate crew sprint down the beach carrying two identical treasure chests. CALICO Run faster, ya scallywags! Faster!! EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY WALKEN D. PLANK, a brash mid-30s captain, plays dice while the privateers sing. PRIVATEERS "Here we are on this privateer ship/ We never give captain any lip..." PLANK I do be winnin’ this time, Hornswaggle! Plank roles the dice and loses. PRIVATEERS "He tells us to climb the mast and hoist the sail/ Then to turn the ship around before we can bail..." PLANK (tosses silver coins on table) Don’t ya be thinkin’ ya’ll always be ah beatin’ me, Hornswaggle. BENJAMIN HORNSWAGGLE, a chubby yet lovable mid-40s first mate, greedily pouches the coins. HORNSWAGGLE Poppycock! Why I bet me entire coin bag I’ll always win, Captain. Hornswaggle picks up the dice to roll. PRIVATEERS "Tells us to swab the deck for every spot and speck/ Then to do it again for a triple check..." Privateer FRANCIS DRAKE, an early 20s crew member, agonizes over their idleness.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

DRAKE Walken, shouldn’t we get to work and go find the "Lost Dutchman’s Treasure" on this island, sir, like the English Parliament ordered us to? PLANK (turns around) That be Captain Walken D. Plank to ya, Privateer Drake. Just because I be a new captain on a privateer ship don’t be meanin’ ya can be callin’ me by me first name any time ya be pleasin’. And do be relaxin’ a little, we just do be arrivin’. A few more games and we be off. Plank turns back around and continues playing. PRIVATEERS "From bow to stern and every in-between/ On captain’s ship, every inch must be clean!" ANGLE WIDENS to reveal Calico’s pirate ship a few hundred yards in the distance mingled between other fishing boats. PLANK Besides, why should we be in all a mad hullabaloo? It’s not like the treasure’s gonna be gettin’ legs and runnin’ off now. CAMERA FOLLOWS pirates running. The two treasure chests look like they have legs and are running since the treasure chests block view of the pirates’ torsos and heads. PLANK Now, whose turn it be to roll? PRIVATEERS "With a yo ho ho and a yee hee hee/ We find ourselves drinking plenty o’ tea/ We mop all day ’til our backs are sore/ And we have really nasty canker sores!"

4.

EXT. TROPICAL SANDY BEACH - DAY Howling, blood-thirsty TOWNSPEOPLE, wielding clubs and pitchforks, appear out of the tropical brush and gain ground quickly on the pirates. TOWNSPEOPLE Stop! Thieves! Give us back our treasure! Stop!! EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY HORNSWAGGLE Why I don’t know, Captain, if you can keep on gambling like this. Though I do surely enjoy taking all your silver. (grabs dice) Why I do believe you may lose all the reserve money Parliament gave us for this trip. PLANK Don’t ya be worryin’. I’ll be winnin’ it all back as me luck is about to change. (winks at Hornswaggle) And if not, I do be borrowin’ from the treasure we be findin’ on this here island. Parliament be none the wiser! DRAKE (looking out over the ship) Captain, there is something very fishy going on over here that you must see. PLANK Now what be all this fuss. (looks at Drake; stays sitting) Don’t ya know I be in a very important game here! EXT. DOCK FOR CALICO’S SHIP - DAY Calico and pirates scramble across the dock. The name of the ship, Anne Boleyn, seen as they quickly run on board.

(CONTINUED)

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5.

CALICO Hurry up, ya scallywags! Cut the ropes and set our direction for north, north-east! Let’s go!! EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY Plank rolls the dice and finally wins a game. PLANK I told ya I be winnin’, Hornswaggle! Now where be the silver pieces ya be owin’ me? HORNSWAGGLE Why I don’t know why I should even bother. Why I do believe I’ll win it all back in the next roll. Hornswaggle reaches into his pocket, takes out a coin bag, and extends his arm to give it to Plank. At this instant, the crew stops singing, and the distant yelling of the townspeople alarms Plank. PLANK (turns around before grabbing the coin bag) What be all this racket!? DRAKE I told you, Walken... uh, Captain, you needed to see this. Plank struts over. ANGLE WIDENS to reveal crazed townspeople running on the beach toward the pirate ship. DRAKE Captain, I believe they’re hollering about stolen treasure. Using the diversion, opportunistic Hornswaggle pockets the coin bag and takes out a different coin bag. PLANK What?! The treasure we do be here for?! That be our treasure! Plank turns around and quickly grabs the swapped coin bag from Hornswaggle.

(CONTINUED)

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6.

PLANK To yar feet, mateys! That ship be stealin’ our treasure! We must be gettin’ it back! Now to your posts on the double! All the privateers quickly scuttle to their positions. Plank, all alone, empties contents of the coin bag into his hand only to reveal cheap copper pennies. PLANK (imitating Hornswaggle) Why I do believe he do be a crook! EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - DECK - DAY The Anne Boleyn sits stationary as the violent mob gets closer and closer. CALICO What tomfoolery is this?! We should be out of port by now. What’s the problem, ya scallywags? Get ’er going! PIRATE #1 Cap’n Calico, there’s no wind! So we can’t move. CALICO Well, since you have the sense of a sea urchin, take eight men below deck and start rowing so we can get the blazes out of here. Now! PIRATE #1 Aye, Cap’n. CALICO You there! (pointing at Pirate #2) Climb up the mast and see if something is catching our sail. PIRATE #2 Aye, sir. CALICO And move it!! (to himself) What a squirrely bunch of scallywags! Do I need to tell them (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

CALICO (cont’d) to chew when they eat too?! They might as well call me mama. Mama Calico. Now there’s a pirate name to strike fear into the hearts of men! Well, Mama Calico won’t be coddlin’ these scallywags once we hit the seas. I’ll show them that Mama Calico is someone to fear! PIRATE #3 Did you just call yourself, Mama Calico, Cap’n? I did not. CALICO

PIRATE #3 I’m pretty sure I heard you say, (imitating Calico) "Mama Calico will strike fear into the hearts of men!" CALICO Don’t test me, scallywag. PIRATE #3 Whatever you say, Cap’n. Ya know, we did find a shiny, gold dress in the stolen treasure. Mama. CALICO (chases Pirate #3 away) Ya scallywag!! Yer all a bunch of scallywags!! The Anne Boleyn slowly rows away from the dock. EXT. DOCK FOR CALICO’S SHIP - DAY Chucking their clubs and pitchforks like furious hornets attacking an invader, the frenzied mob fails to thwart the pirate’s escape. EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - TOP OF THE MAST - DAY While Pirate #2 checks the mast, a powerful gust of wind hits the sail and knocks him over into a prone position like "superman" on the mast and his pants pinch into a wedgie.

(CONTINUED)

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8.

PIRATE #2 Stop the ship! Stop the ship! (flailing arms around madly) I’ve a wedgie! I’ve a wedgie!! EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - DECK - DAY Pirate #3 and Pirate #4 stare up confusedly at Pirate #2 stuck in the mast. It’s difficult for them to make sense of his yelling. PIRATE #3 What’s he yelling about? It sounds like he’s shouting, "I am amazing! I am amazing!" PIRATE #4 Yeah, I’m gonna have to agree with you. It does sound like he’s saying, "I am amazing!" PIRATE #3 What a show off! Look at him! Waving his arms around like he’s a flying bird. I tell ya, that pirate is always seeking attention. Just ignore that bugger and let’s go get some grub below deck. We’ll leave "Mr. Amazing" up there to entertain the whole world for all I care. (yells up at Pirate #2) Show off! EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - TOP OF THE MAST - DAY PIRATE #2 Please help me! I have a really, really bad wedgie!! ANGLE WIDENS and CAMERA PULLS BACK as Pirate #2 looks like he’s flying in the mast while the narrator speaks. NARRATOR (V.O.) And so the King Henry VIII doggedly pursued the Anne Boleyn. Yet she led them both directly into the infamous Bermuda Triangle.

9.

EXT. OCEAN - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY (THICK FOG) Both ships are within a few yards of each other but barely visible because of the fog. EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - DECK CALICO What is going on, ya good-for-nothing scallywags! If ya can’t get us out of this mess, I will throw each and every one of ya scallywags off this ship! EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - CONTINUOUS PLANK Who be callin’ me "scallywag"? I ought ah be throwin’ ya off me ship, matey! WIDE SHOT - BOTH SHIPS CALICO What did you say to me?! Nobody throws me off my own ship! Stand forward whoever said that! PLANK I be sayin’ that. Who be darin’ to say that me ship be thare ship?! CALICO I am daring. Is that a challenge, ya scallywag? PLANK That be a challenge, matey. Nobody be takin’ me ship! Both captains, swords in hand, walk toward the direction of their voices. TWO SHOT - PLANK AND CALICO The fog decreases enough so that both captains see each other clearly. Both square off only a few feet from each other, on separate ships going in opposite directions.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: PLANK Ahoy, matey! Ya be the one who stole our treasure! CALICO It’s not your treasure, ya scallywag. We found it first. Finders, keepers. PLANK Turn this ship around, mateys! We be takin’ our treasure back! CAMERA PULLS BACK as narrator speaks. NARRATOR (V.O.) But the Anne Boleyn evaded the King Henry VIII in the thick fog. And on their return, Captain Calico landed at Ireland, still a relatively savage island full of barbarians and wild creatures. EXT. TREASURE CAVE (IRELAND) - DAY CALICO Scallywags, I’ve decided to hide the treasure here in this secret cave. We’ll come back for it as soon as the threat of being caught is over. PIRATE #1 But we know about it, Cap’n. So how is it secret? CALICO It’s our secret, ya scallywag. PIRATE #1 Well, if we’re gonna have secrets now. Let me tell ya this one. (leans closer to Calico) I’m wearing women’s undies right now, Cap’n. And let me tell ya, they fit very snuggly around the waist, and I can’t wait to -CALICO Well, I think that’s enough of telling secrets for now. Scallywags, move the treasure into the cave.

10.

11.

EXT. OCEAN - BOTH SHIPS - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) With the treasure hidden in a cave on Ireland, the pirates resumed their course to their hideout. Yet on their way, the King Henry VIII intercepts the Anne Boleyn. EXT. CALICO’S SHIP - DECK - DAY CALICO Listen here, ya scallywags. I will never let King Henry VIII take Anne Boleyn to the rack. Never! So, fire away, scallywags! All six cannons! Only one cannon on the ship fires. CALICO I said fire, ya scallywags! PIRATE #2 Cap’n, we’re all out of cannonballs. CALICO How in the wide world of pirating are we all out of cannonballs? PIRATE #3 You told us to pack light for the trip, Cap’n. CALICO This is a pirate ship! "Pack light" means go easy with the toiletries and hygienics, scallywag. PIRATE #4 Well, Cap’n, you should have been more clear from the get go. CALICO Scallywags. I’m surrounded by a bunch of scallywags who if I gave a "paint-by-number" project to, they would tell me that the color blue doesn’t start with the letter 5.

(CONTINUED)

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12.

PIRATE #1 Well, Cap’n, blue doesn’t start with the letter 5. It starts with the number "b". Calico claws at his face. EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY PLANK Fire, mateys, fire! All six cannons! All six cannons fire at the Anne Boleyn. HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe that was a direct hit, Captain. PLANK Aye. They be goin’ down in a blaze of glory. EXT. OCEAN - CAPTAIN PLANK’S SHIP - DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) With the Anne Boleyn beheaded, the King Henry VIII returned to the English Parliament without the "Lost Dutchman’s Treasure" that it was commissioned to retrieve. However, there was one lone survivor of the Anne Boleyn who still knows the whereabouts of Calico’s hidden treasure... EXT. OCEAN SURF - DAY Floating toward the beach on a shipwrecked piece saying "Anne Boleyn" on it, PEETEY, a Blue-and-yellow Macaw, hangs on for dear life. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... and that lone survivor’s name is none other than... PEETEY (bird-like voice) Oh boy, oh boy.

(CONTINUED)

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13.

Peetey.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

EXT. BEACH SHORE (ENGLAND) - DAY While looking for seashells, shopkeeper SHACKLETON, a stubby man with an intellectual Oxford accent, spots the shipwrecked piece in the distance and approaches the site. SHACKLETON’S POV Peetey lies motionless on the "Anne Boleyn" piece. BACK TO SCENE Shackleton gently picks up Peetey. Peetey squirms. SHACKLETON There, there, most quintessential bird. I pontificate that you will fully rejuvenate with a little rehabilitation and respite. Gingerly holding Peetey, Shackleton walks back to his shop. INT. SHACKLETON’S SHOP - DAY A store filled with all types of jewelry, seashells, food, beverages, and store-type items. Standing at his wooden counter, Shackleton feeds Peetey perched in front of him. SHACKLETON What should I name you, bird? Let me see... How about I call you -PEETEY (caws) Peetey, Peetey. SHACKLETON Ho ho! Peetey it is. Well, my name is Shackleton. Can you say, "Shackleton"? PEETEY Shackleton, Shackleton. SHACKLETON Marvelous! So you possess linguistic abilities. I might have (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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14.

SHACKLETON (cont’d) to teach you some oratorical skills, Peetey. (grabs a cracker) Let’s begin with some direct pedagogy. Can you say, "Peetey wants a cracker"? PEETEY Cracker, cracker. SHACKLETON Oh Excellent. (feeds Peetey) Can you say, "Thank you"? PEETEY Thank you, thank you. SHACKLETON Auspicious! Okay, can you say, "Parrot"? PEETEY Cockatoo, cockatoo. SHACKLETON No, no. Parrot. PEETEY No, no. Cockatoo. SHACKLETON Huh. A wise guy. PEETEY Wise guy, wise guy. SHACKLETON Just wonderful. (condescendingly) Listen, I said parrot, not cockatoo. It’s parrot. Say "parrot". PEETEY (imitates Oxford accent) Listen, wise guy. It’s cockatoo. I said cockatoo. Say "cockatoo". (caws; back to bird voice) Thank you, thank you.

15. EXT. JEFF’S HOUSE - ROOFTOP - NIGHT Two thieves, dressed in leopard-pattern leotards, creep toward a third-story window. One of the thieves hangs onto the other thief awkwardly, shaking uncontrollably. THIEF #1 Why do you keep insisting on going on these jobs when you know this always happens? THIEF #2 I know, I know. But I just know I can break this fear of mine. I’m getting so close. THIEF #1 I mean, who’s ever heard of a cat burglar with a fear of heights?! Ya know, I can tell you right now you’d never be doing this if the queen of our lair wasn’t your girlfriend. THIEF #2 (big grin on his face) I know. They reach the window, open it carefully, and sneak into the house. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT Both thieves tiptoe along trying to stay as quiet as possible. Then, a LOUD CREEK comes from THIEF #2’S FOOTSTEP. THIEF #1 (whispers sharply) Be quiet! I know. THIEF #2

Moving again, another LOUD CREEK from THIEF #2’S FOOTSTEP. THIEF #1 Be careful! THIEF #2 I know. They continue. A LOUD CREEK comes from THIEF #1’S FOOTSTEP.

(CONTINUED)

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16.

THIEF #2 (mocking) Be quiet, he says. Be careful, he says. Well look who just made a noise now! THIEF #1 Oh, do shut up. Or I’ll tell your girlfriend about how you nearly pee your leotard every time we’re on the roof. THIEF #2 No! Never do that! INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT Startled by the creaking noises, JEFF, the Head of Parliament, lurches out of bed to investigate. JEFF’S WIFE continues sleeping in bed. JEFF (quietly to himself) What in the world is causing these noises? Must be another rat. Geez! How many times must I tell my wife to sweep around here. I do everything she tells me, but does she ever do what I ask? No. (imitating wife) "Jeff, can you go to the store for me? Jeff, can you feed the cats for me? Jeff, can you get the keys out of my purse for me? Jeff, can you get my sister to clam up and leave the house for me? Jeff, can you --" JEFF’S WIFE (sleepily) Did you say something, sweetie? JEFF Uh, no honey. Nothing at all. Maybe it’s a rat making noises. I’ll check it out. Go back to sleep, honey. JEFF’S WIFE Jeff, while you’re up, can you make some peppermint tea for me? I’m having stomach problems.

(CONTINUED)

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17.

JEFF Sure, honey. JEFF’S WIFE And Jeff, can you put a little milk in it for me? JEFF Sure, honey. JEFF’S WIFE Oh, and Jeff, can you put a dash of honey in it for me? JEFF (frustration building) Sure. Some honey for my darling honey. JEFF’S WIFE And Jeff, can you take the tea leaves out for me when it’s brewed? I choked on a tea leaf last week. JEFF Sure, honey. Jeff grabs the doorknob to exit the room. And Jeff? JEFF’S WIFE

JEFF (biting tongue) Yes, honey? JEFF’S WIFE Can you shut the door for me when you leave? It’s drafty. JEFF Sure, honey. Jeff turns the doorknob. JEFF’S WIFE And Jeff, can you... Jeff quickly leaves before she can get another word in.

18.

INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT As Jeff enters hallway, his heart skips a beat at the sight of two thieves to his left skulking down the stairwell. He anxiously turns to the right towards a closet door and opens it. CLOSEUP - CRICKET BAT Writing on the cricket bat says "Say Uncle!". Jeff grabs it. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT As Jeff quietly closes the closet door, he sees light bouncing in the window. Glancing out the window, he spots a police officer holding a lantern. Jeff opens the window. JEFF Psst! Psst! Psssssstt!! EXT. JEFF’S HOUSE - STREET - NIGHT The POLICE OFFICER patrolling the street finally notices Jeff waving and hissing from his third-story window. The police officer hustles over to his house. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR OF STAIRWELL - NIGHT The two thieves stop to discuss their plans. THIEF #1 Okay. You check the rooms on this floor for jewelry, and I’ll go round up the cats on the first floor. THIEF #2 Where should we meet up? THIEF #1 Back on the roof in ten minutes. Thief #1 heads downstairs, while Thief #2 heads to the nearest room.

19.

INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - NIGHT As Thief #1 nears the first floor, Jeff, cricket bat in hand, tiptoes down from the third floor. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - FIRST FLOOR - NIGHT Thief #1 reaches the first floor and sneaks off to the kitchen area. He spots a cat and takes out a black cloth bag in which to stuff the cat. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - BOTTOM OF STAIRWELL - NIGHT Jeff and the police officer silently acknowledge each other. Jeff points to the kitchen. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Thief #1 attempts to tuck the cat into his cloth bag. Jeff and the police officer surround him on opposite sides. Both nod each other. POLICE OFFICER moves to grab Thief #1 just as JEFF swings the cricket bat. The instant Jeff swings, the thief dives to the floor as the cat leaps out of the bag. Jeff nails the police officer instead. The police officer drops to the floor, out cold. THIEF #1 misses the cat on the floor and gets up to see Jeff there. Thief #1 runs to the stairwell to alert Thief #2. JEFF takes a few more beats to awaken the police officer, then runs after Thief #1.

20.

INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - NIGHT Thief #1 runs up to the second floor and turns left through a bedroom door entrance. Immediately, Thief #2 exits right-side door. Thief #2 looks below and sees Jeff running toward him. Thief #2 impulsively runs up to the third floor to exit out window. Jeff pursues. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM - NIGHT Thief #1 closes the door behind him and quickly scans the room. JEFF’S DAUGHTER, a 4-year-old, wakes up startled. JEFF’S DAUGHTER Who... Who are you? THIEF #1 I’m the tooth fairy, kid. Go back to sleep, and I’ll put a silver coin under your pillow. JEFF’S DAUGHTER But I didn’t lose a tooth yet. THIEF #1 Well, you’re about to, kid, if you don’t keep quite. Daddy!!!! JEFF’S DAUGHTER

INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - THIRD FLOOR HALLWAY - NIGHT Attempting to crawl out the window, Jeff hears his daughter’s scream and immediately runs to her room. INT. JEFF’S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - NIGHT As Jeff reaches the top of the stairwell, Thief #1 enters the stairwell and see Jeff above. Thief #1 darts down the stairs, yet does not see the police officer waiting at the bottom, while Jeff closes in on him. With Thief #1 near the bottom,

21.

JEFF swings the cricket bat, yet THIEF #1 trips and falls over the cat on the stairs. Jeff misses the thief and clocks the police officer in the head again. Thief #1 lays unconscious from the fall also. INT. PARLIAMENT - DAY SUPER: HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT Muppet-human government representatives bicker in the Parliament. KING WALTER, a ventriloquist dummy, and Jeff stand at the front of Parliament. MUPPET-HUMAN #1 ... but Your Majesty, we are getting very concerned with this wild idea of reincarnation spreading amongst our English fellows from our new colony, India. All the muppet-humans voice their agreement. KING WALTER Well, people should have the right to figure out whether something is impartially true, partially true, or not true at all. MUPPET-HUMAN #1 Wow. That’s very wise of you, King Walter. KING WALTER Of course it is! What the heck!? Did you think the King of England was just a figurehead? What a dummy! JEFF Well, supposing reincarnation is true, who would you come back as, Your Majesty?

(CONTINUED)

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22.

KING WALTER Well, that’s easy. I would come back as my wife, the queen, and leave me the heck alone! JEFF Interesting. (re-addresses the Parliament) Okay, well, as the Head of Parliament, I have some issues to present that need to be resolved. First, my wife and other people I know have been complaining about choking on tea leaves from -KING WALTER You know my wife... I wish I didn’t... Imagine someone sucking on every lemon in the world at the same time. (off Jeff’s look) Yeah, and that’s my wife on an attractive day. When she chokes on a tea leaf, I’d rather hug a grizzly bear with PMS. So, dag nabit, we need to solve this tea leaf problem! JEFF Why that’s a brilliant idea, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Well, that’s why I’m the king now, isn’t it! MUPPET-HUMAN #2 Maybe we can put the tea leaves in some kind of baggie to hold them together, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Okay, but then we would get our fingers burned trying to get the bag out, ya dummy! MUPPET-HUMAN #3 Well, we could attach a string to the bag, Your Majesty. All muppet-humans voice agreement. Genius idea.

(CONTINUED)

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23.

JEFF Well, there it is. Starting this day forward, Parliament will begin to enforce the "Tea Bag and String Act." (beat) Moving on to another issue. Last night, I caught one of these gang members who call themselves "Thee Leopards" in my house trying to steal jewelry and my cat. Fortunately, I was able to gain information from this -KING WALTER Another issue we need to discuss are these darn gang members who call themselves "The Leopards". JEFF It’s "Thee Leopards", Your Majesty. KING WALTER What?! JEFF "Thee" not "the", Your Majesty. KING WALTER What the heck?! Are you constipated? (looks very closely at Jeff) Thee, the, thou, thy. Read my lips: I don’t care! JEFF Right. Well, as I was saying, these gang members are cat burglars. They behave like cats and go around stealing people’s jewelry and their cats. And unfortunately, their gang numbers keep growing. KING WALTER Well, I can’t just have a bunch of cat-like people running amuck in my fair streets and city. Something must be done. JEFF As usual, you, King Walter, are brilliant.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: KING WALTER (nods head approvingly) The truth is a beautiful thing. JEFF We’ve also had a growing problem with our jails, which are now overflowing. New jails need to be built in order to deal with the growing number of convicts. KING WALTER Well, this will cause us to raise taxes. And personally, I’d rather raise taxes to help my own overly-indulgent lifestyle.

24.

King Walter laughs while the Parliament verbally denounces his comment. KING WALTER Oh, get a life! I will not be paying for a bunch of thieves and criminals to be living their lives more comfortably. JEFF But shouldn’t we care about how our prisoners are treated, Your Majesty? KING WALTER Oh, you stinkin’ liberals with your, (sarcastically mocking) "Take care of prisoners. They have rights too." Darn liberals, I say fooey to them all! JEFF Well, what should we do, Your Majesty? KING WALTER I believe we should take immediate action and take care of both problems at the same time. I’ve heard of this uninhabited island in the South Pacific called Australia. We can ship both the gang members and the convicts there. (to himself) And maybe I can convince my wife it’s her own personal cruise ship. (CONTINUED)

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25.

JEFF Then I suggest that Your Majesty declare that we immediately round up all of "Thee Leopards" along with all the jail convicts, and we banish them to -KING WALTER I have the solution. I will declare immediately to round up all of "Thee Leopards" along with all the jail convicts and banish them to this island. JEFF That’s a fabulous idea, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Jeff, I’ve always admired your astounding ability to recognize my greatness. (nods head at Jeff) Now, we must carry out this decree. The convicts are easy, my wife just needs to be told there’s oiled-up cabana boys on board, but who will round up the gang members? And who can we get to sail the ship? JEFF Well, Your Majesty, fortunately the gang member caught in my home last night told us where his lair is, and we can send law enforcement over there immediately. KING WALTER Well, that is good news. Dispatch the authorities immediately to their lair. Now, as for our ship captain... JEFF I already have that person in mind, Your Majesty. I will send for him immediately.

26. INT. "THEE LEOPARDS" LAIR - DAY Gang members dressed in leopard-pattern leotards lounge around in a large semi-dark building. Some play with each other, and some play with cats. GANG MEMBER #1 Very hairy, GANG MEMBER #1 pushes a ball of yarn on the floor between his arms like a cat would. TWO SHOT - GANG MEMBERS #1 AND #2 Prowling on the table above gang member #1, GANG MEMBER #2 anticipates his turn. Then, after a few beats, gang member #2 pounces on gang member #1. A cat fight ensues. GANG MEMBER #1 (screetches like a cat) That’s my ball of yarn! GANG MEMBER #2 (hisses back) It’s been twenty-one minutes! The signs says you must put equipment back after twenty minutes. CLOSEUP - SIGN says, "Please put all equipment back after 20 minutes. Thank you." GANG MEMBER #3 With tremendous back hair, GANG MEMBER #3 swats at a mouse on a string being yanked in such a way that he just keeps missing it. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal a Siamese cat yanking the string. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LAIR - DAY POLICE OFFICERS and SHERIFF huddle around in a meeting. SHERIFF Okay, men, I want all of you to be extremely careful in there. "Thee Leopards" are known criminals with unpredictable behaviors. Make sure you watch each other’s backs! (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

27.

POLICE OFFICERS (staring at each other’s backs) Yes, sir! Anything you say, sir! INT. "THEE LEOPARDS" LAIR - DAY Gang members still lounge around. Suddenly, police officers bust through the front door. Pandemonium breaks loose. SHERIFF Everyone here is under arrest! A very beautiful woman, ANNA, dressed like "cat woman" in a leopard-pattern suit, sashays up to the sheriff. ANNA Why hello, gentlemen, and welcome to my lair. Is there something I can help you with? SHERIFF By order of the king, you will all be deported from England immediately. ANNA Well, maybe we can work something out. We are really good at show tunes. Would you like to hear us perform? SHERIFF No. Men, cuff ’em. EXT. GARDEN GROUNDS - LARGE GRASS LAWN - DAY Beautifully landscaped garden grounds. Young ladies, in hoopskirts, compete in three-legged races. JENNY, a beautiful young lady, ties her leg together with her FRIEND. JENNY I just know that William is going to propose to marry me soon. FRIEND That’s just wonderful, Jenny. How do you know?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JENNY He keeps talking about how wonderful it would be to get tax breaks from the government if only he had a family. FRIEND Oh. I thought you might say something like, he says he can’t live without you; do you wanna look at houses together; or even, what size is your ring finger? JENNY Oh no. William’s just not like that. EXT. GARDEN GROUNDS - CROQUET GAME - DAY

28.

Upscale people stand around as spectators. Captain WILLIAM SNELGRAVE, an early 30s, suave yet off-kilter naval captain, discusses strategy with his caddy, JOHNNY, a goofy-looking 17 year old. JOHNNY (holding croquet ball) What are these black spots on your balls? SNELGRAVE Oh, those. They’re the new fashion for croquet balls called magnets. It’s just to make my balls more groovy to play with. (off Johnny’s look) Don’t worry, Johnny. They’re regulation. Snelgrave studies the green. JOHNNY Whatever you say, Captain Snelgrave. You wouldn’t listen to me anyway. SNELGRAVE Sorry, what was that, Johnny? And call me William. You aren’t on my ship yet. Maybe one day, my boy. (puts croquet ball on ground) So, what do you think, Johnny? How should I approach this shot?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29.

JOHNNY Well, I would say to use the 6 iron. The wind is blowing in a southerly direction, and the curvature of the green is slightly bent downwards, and the trajectory needs to -SNELGRAVE Jolly good. You know somethin’, I’m thinking of proposing to Jenny this week. I started looking at rings. (grabs mallet from Johnny) Just give me the mallet. I’ve got this game locked. Snelgrave then takes his shot but comes up short. However, the ball "magically" begins to move and gets pulled to right inside the wicket by the power of the magnets. SNELGRAVE Boy that wind sure is picking up. Ha ha. Jolly good. At that moment a ROYAL COURIER walks up to Snelgrave. ROYAL COURIER Captain William Snelgrave? Yes? SNELGRAVE

ROYAL COURIER Your presence is demanded immediately before His Majesty, the king. SNELGRAVE Can’t it wait. I’m in the middle or a croquet tournament, and I’m winning. ROYAL COURIER The king will not wait. SNELGRAVE (glumly) Jolly good. Johnny, come with me.

30.

INT. SHACKLETON’S SHOP - DAY SHACKLETON Your appetite is indefatigable, Peetey. You’re becoming quite the high-maintenance bird. (walks toward the door) Well, I’m going on an expedition right now for more supplies. Then I’m going to play some poker with some friends. Keep vigilance on the store, okay? PEETEY Okay, okay. SHACKLETON And if you’re good, I’ll teach you how to play poker when I return. PEETEY Play poker, joker; play poker, joker. Shackleton exits the store. Peetey immediately leaves his perch and glides over to a shiny, diamond ring on a different counter. He picks it up with his beak, and glides over to some wooden floor boards in the back of the store. Peetey drops the ring from his beak and lifts up one of the boards to reveal many stolen items beneath. Peetey picks up the ring, drops it in, then re-covers his stolen items with the floor board. Peetey flies back to the perch. A few beats later, Shackleton rambles back into the shop. SHACKLETON Hey, Peetey. I forgot my coin bag. PEETEY Hello, hello. Shackleton goes for his coin bag on the counter and notices the missing diamond ring. He searches around the area. SHACKLETON Peetey, did you observe any customers shoplifting jewelry in the store? I keep noticing missing items.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

PEETEY Nothing stolen, nothing stolen. SHACKLETON What do you mean nothing’s been stolen?! I keep losing jewelry. I expect you to perform reconnaissance duties in this store. Have you seen anything?? PEETEY Nothing, nothing. (caws) Not a thing, not a thing. SHACKLETON Why you indolent, insolent, pandering bird! Why do I even bother to have you around? What have you done for me lately? PEETEY Pretty bird, pretty bird. SHACKLETON Oh, you capricious little bird. So you think that just because you’re a pretty bird you can get away with anything around here, eh? PEETEY Already have, already have. SHACKLETON And what’s that supposed to mean? PEETEY Nothing. (caws) Everything. (caws) Feed Peetey, feed Peetey. SHACKLETON Peetey, you are becoming esoterically esoteric. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you, you conniving little bird.

32.

EXT. PARLIAMENT - DAY Snelgrave and Johnny arrive at the Parliament building. SNELGRAVE Okay, Johnny. Wait out here for me. It shouldn’t take too long I would imagine. Johnny nods, and Snelgrave enters Parliament. INT. PARLIAMENT - DAY King Walter and Captain Plank argue at the front of Parliament. PLANK ... but Yar Majesty, the pirate ship be firin’ at me first. KING WALTER Perhaps. But not only did you lose the treasure, you lost all the reserve money that we gave you to do your job! How do you explain that? PLANK Well, that be an easy one. Ya see, the story be like this: I be tryin’ to build good relations with the island townfolk, and they be askin’ to borrow money from me. So, I be tellin’ them I do be loanin’ it to them as long as they be payin’ it back with interest... and the interest be goin’ to the king, ya see, and -KING WALTER Bull honky! My report said that you lost it all gambling! PLANK Well, in a sense, that be true. It do be a gamble to hold the townfolk accountable to be honest to pay it all back with interest, and I -KING WALTER I have held you accountable to be honest, and all I’ve heard is lies. (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

33.

KING WALTER (cont’d) You’re fired! Consider yourself lucky I don’t throw you in jail. Get out of my sight! Plank passes Snelgrave on his way out. SNELGRAVE Best of luck to you. I’m sure you did your best. PLANK Mayhaps. But I don’t know what I be doin’ now for a job. Plank leaves, and Snelgrave stands before Jeff and the king. JEFF Ah, Captain William Snelgrave. I see that you received our summons. KING WALTER Well, Captain William Snelgrave, hope we didn’t interrupt anything too important you may have been in the middle of? SNELGRAVE Of course not. Why would you think that, Your Majesty? KING WALTER Why would I think that? Hmm. (to Jeff) Why would I think that? JEFF No reason, Your Majesty. KING WALTER (to Snelgrave) You hear that. No reason. Don’t play games with me. Okay, Captain Kirk? SNELGRAVE My name is William, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Well why didn’t you say so before?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

SNELGRAVE You already addressed me as Captain William Snelgrave, Your Majesty. KING WALTER (to Jeff) I did? JEFF Yes, you did, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Well, why didn’t ya tell me, you darn fool! Jeff shrugs not knowing what to say. KING WALTER Well, now that we’ve cleared that up. The Head of Parliament and I have been discussing the enforcement of putting strings on tea bags, and we need a man of your talent and experience to help us. SNELGRAVE Your Majesty? JEFF (whispers to King Walter) Your Majesty, wrong conversation. He’s here for the transport of the convicts and gang members. KING WALTER Oh yes. (to Snelgrave) As I was saying, we’ve been discussing what to do with these darn "Thee Leopards" who are running amuck in my kingdom, which I’m sure you’ve heard about. SNELGRAVE Yes, of course, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Of course what? SNELGRAVE That I have indeed heard about these "Leopards", Your Majesty.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

JEFF "Thee Leopards" not "These Leopards". Snelgrave looks perplexed. KING WALTER (whispers to Snelgrave) I think he’s constipated. (beat) As I was saying, we’ve decided to ship them off to a new location along with the convicts, and possibly my wife, and we want to put you in charge of getting them there. Or I can send you to jail. For as we understand it, you have been stealing from me while in the service of the navy. Isn’t that right? SNELGRAVE Your majesty? JEFF Um. Your Majesty -KING WALTER What the heck?! Did you think that we would summon you here before us, out of all the people who reside in my kingdom, and waste my valuable time just to find out I have the wrong man in front of me! Is that what you think? SNELGRAVE Of course not, Your Majesty. JEFF Uh, Your Majesty -KING WALTER I mean really, here I am with a whole kingdom to run, and you think that I have nothing better to do with my time than to spend it with some idiot who has been stealing from me? SNELGRAVE No, Your Majesty. But I never sto--

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: KING WALTER There. You see. Doesn’t it feel good to confess? Feels good, doesn’t it? JEFF (whispers to King Walter) Your Majesty, that was Captain Plank who gambled your money away, not Captain Snelgrave. KING WALTER Well why didn’t you try to say something before? Baffled, Jeff just shakes his head. KING WALTER Now, back to the order of business at hand. Will you accept this assignment, Captain Snelgrave? SNELGRAVE Yes, I will accept the assignment, Your Majesty. KING WALTER What assignment? SNELGRAVE The one you just explained to me, Your Majesty. KING WALTER What the heck are you talkin’ about?! Of course the one I just explained to you! Why? Is there another assignment you’d rather accept? (to Jeff) Is there another assignment? SNELGRAVE (to Jeff) My lord? JEFF No, Your Majesty. KING WALTER (to Snelgrave) What the heck?! What are you lookin’ at him for? I’m the one asking questions here, aren’t I?

36.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

SNELGRAVE Of course you are, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Of course I am what? SNELGRAVE Asking questions here. KING WALTER "Your Majesty". SNELGRAVE Your Majesty? KING WALTER "Asking questions here, Your Majesty." SNELGRAVE (bewildered) That is correct, Your Majesty. KING WALTER No, no. You say, "Asking questions here, Your Majesty." SNELGRAVE (confounded) Asking questions here, Your Majesty? KING WALTER What the heck is wrong with you?! Of course I am! Do you normally ask such dumb questions? (shakes head in disgust) Anyway, now that it’s settled, you must embark and set sail immediately. We’ve already sent the prisoners and a new crew to your ship. Oh, and did I mention that this trip could quite possibly be dangerous, even fatal? SNELGRAVE I think you left that part out, Your Majesty. KING WALTER Well, I just told you, didn’t I? Ya know what, you really need to pay attention to details better. It’s (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

38.

KING WALTER (cont’d) no wonder you’re having such a difficult time in the navy. Now, on your way, Captain. EXT. PARLIAMENT - DAY Snelgrave walks outside to Johnny, still waiting there. JOHNNY Well, how’d it go? SNELGRAVE Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like to hear first? JOHNNY The good news, of course. SNELGRAVE Well, I’m making you my new first mate. JOHNNY That’s awesome! And the bad news? SNELGRAVE We set sail immediately for what could be a very long, dangerous trip. Oh. JOHNNY

Jenny appears behind them but hidden by tall bushes. She eavesdrops on the conversation. SNELGRAVE And you know, the worst part of it all is that I never got to propose to Jenny. What am I gonna tell her, Johnny? JOHNNY I don’t know, Captain. SNELGRAVE Well, I don’t know if I could possibly bare telling her that I have to leave today. So... I don’t think I’ll tell her at all. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

Johnny and Snelgrave leave the scene. Jenny remains. JENNY Why that selfish man! Why do I even bother to love him as much as I do? He won’t even tell me?! Well, William Snelgrave can’t get rid of me that easily. I am going to find a way onto that ship! EXT. CAPTAIN SNELGRAVE’S SHIP - DECK - DAY Docked at the marina. Snelgrave’s crew members prepare the ship for departure. SNELGRAVE Okay, men. We’re ready for departure. Pull up the anchor and get ready to push off. Why? CREWMAN #1

SNELGRAVE Because I said so. CREWMAN #1 But why? Because. SNELGRAVE

CREWMAN #1 (yelling) But why?! SNELGRAVE (yelling back) Because! CREWMAN #1 (mellow) But why? SNELGRAVE (very mellow) Because. CREWMAN #1 Oh. So that’s why. Why didn’t ya say so before?! I mean, I understand now. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40.

(walking away) Well, let’s be on our way then. CAMERA PULLS BACK as narrator speaks. NARRATOR (V.O.) So Captain William Snelgrave, his crew, the convicts, and "Thee Leopards" set sail on a dangerous journey to the island of Australia. EXT. BEACH (IRELAND) - SHIPWRECK SITE - DAY Shipwrecked pieces of the ship lay scattered all over the beach. The ship’s passengers run in different directions. NARRATOR (V.O.) Yet very shortly after their departure, hurricane-like winds derailed the ship from its course and forced a terrible shipwreck into the island of Ireland. But despite the destruction, everyone on the ship remained alive. However, they would all go their separate ways to form their own distinct clans on the island. INT. SHACKLETON’S SHOP - DAY SUPER: 10 YEARS LATER Shopkeeper Shackleton and an OLD MAN discuss prices for an antique vase. Peetey sits on his perch behind them. SHACKLETON You appreciate this stunning antique vase here, eh? OLD MAN Yes, it’s brilliant. SHACKLETON Well this ornately designed and perfectly mint antique vase is from seventh-century Rome. Extremely rare. OLD MAN How much does it cost?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

41.

SHACKLETON 600 pounds. OLD MAN I’ll give you 250. SHACKLETON Market value is at least 500. OLD MAN Okay, I’ll make it 300. PEETEY Parsimonious, parsimonious. SHACKLETON Peetey, that is too audacious for our lovely customer. PEETEY Okay, okay. SHACKLETON Pardon my bird. He tends to use big words that he doesn’t understand. Now, I can lower the price down to 450, but that’s my final offer. OLD MAN Well, I’ll make it 275. And that’s my final offer. PEETEY Cheapskate, cheapskate. OLD MAN What a rude parrot. PEETEY Cockatoo, cockatoo. (caws) Rude customer, rude customer. OLD MAN Well, I will not take this from some upstart, ignorant bird. (starts to walk out) What lousy customer service here! PEETEY Hit the road, Jack; hit the road.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

42.

OLD MAN Why you little -SHACKLETON Well, why don’t you go and have yourself a wonderful day. Shackleton softly nudges customer out of the store. Peetey whistles "Hit the Road, Jack" while the customer exits. SHACKLETON Peetey, don’t you dare talk that way to my customers again! That’s my job. (softens tone) Yes, that old man was as frugal as Scrooge, but only I get to say that. Okay? PEETEY Okay, okay. An OLD LADY enters the store. OLD LADY My, my, what a lovely store. PEETEY Easy sell, easy sell. Pardon me? OLD LADY

SHACKLETON Don’t mind my bird. He just articulates any ol’ random word that comes to mind. PEETEY Very specific, very specific. Shackleton stares Peetey down for a few beats. The old lady continues to look around the store. OLD LADY My, my, this is a fantastic gold necklace. How many karats? SHACKLETON It’s twenty-four karats, m’ lady.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

43.

PEETEY Totally fake, totally fake. SHACKLETON (fake laughs) That bird has some sense of humor. We can test it for its purity if you like. OLD LADY That would be just marvelous. PEETEY Don’t buy, don’t buy. SHACKLETON Peetey, that is enough out of you! PEETEY Shackleton, Shackleton. Enough of you, enough of you. OLD LADY Well, I think I’ll just come back another time. PEETEY Never return, never return. The old lady hobbles out. Shackleton grabs Peetey, stuffs Peetey into a bird cage, and hides him under the counter. SHACKLETON What’s the matter with you, Peetey? I feed you, clean you, take care of you... Why do you act this way? PEETEY Want treasure, want treasure. SHACKLETON Well, you’re no pirate, Peetey. And I certainly have no ambition to be one. So, you’re just gonna have to accept the facts. PEETEY Never give up, never give up. SHACKLETON Well then, you can just sit and petrify here until your attitude metamorphoses. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

44.

(starts to walk away) And no more poker for you either! INT. GAMBLING HALL - NIGHT Plank plays a game of dice with two other gamblers. PLANK Okay, I be playin’ just one more game, and then I be cashin’ in. GAMBLER #1 Just one more game? You’ve been sayin’ that for the last hour. GAMBLER #2 Cashin’ in? You’ve lost your last twenty bets. Both gamblers laugh like hillbillies. Plank’s coin pile is minimal to theirs. Plank roles the dice. GAMBLER #1 Ya lost again! Do you want another game? (laughs with Gambler #2) ’Cause I don’t mind takin’ your coin. Plank looks down and sees that he only has a few silver and copper pieces left. PLANK No. I be leavin’ now. There be no cashin’ in for me tonight. Plank exits the gambling hall. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE GAMBLING HALL - NIGHT While stumbling along aimlessly, Plank spots a lit-up building. Approaching, he realizes it’s Shackleton’s shop. PLANK (looks at his remaining coins) Well, I guess I be buyin’ me last foodstuff before I be homeless.

45.

INT. SHACKLETON’S SHOP - NIGHT A MIDDLE-AGED MAN and Shackleton haggle over jewelry. Out of sight under the counter, Peetey remains locked in his cage. MIDDLE-AGED MAN I will give you three of my intricately hand-crafted brass bracelets for this somewhat impure gold necklace. SHACKLETON Well, I don’t know if that is such a good deal. You see, this necklace is also laced with diamonds, and so I would need -PEETEY (O.S.) Rip off, rip off. SHACKLETON Peetey, I can handle this myself. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Peetey? Who’s Peetey? (looks around) I don’t see anybody. Is this place haunted by ghosts? PEETEY (O.S.) Booooo! Hooooo! MIDDLE-AGED MAN This place is haunted by ghosts! I’m out o’ here! SHACKLETON No, don’t go. It’s just my deranged bird, Peetey. (puts Peetey’s cage on the counter) Don’t worry about him. He tends to have a wry wit about him. PEETEY Funny bird, funny bird. SHACKLETON You see, he’s harmless. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Okay then. Continuing with our deal, I will sweeten the offer by (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MIDDLE-AGED MAN (cont’d) throwing in these antique silver earrings from ancient Mesopotamia. SHACKLETON How do you know they’re from ancient Mesopotamia? MIDDLE-AGED MAN I had a high priestess check them. PEETEY Con man, con man. (caws) Full of honky, full of honky. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Who does this bird think he is? I don’t have to take this from some uppity parrot! PEETEY Cockatoo, cockatoo. Uppity con man, uppity con man. MIDDLE-AGED MAN My business here is over! The middle-aged man storms out of the store. SHACKLETON That’s it, Peetey! I’ve had it with your wise cracks! This is our penultimate discussion. I tell you, the next customer who walks into this store will buy you at any price. I’ve had it!

46.

Shackleton stomps to his back office and SLAMS the DOOR. A beat later, Plank meanders into the store. PEETEY Hey you, hey you. Plank looks around but doesn’t see any person in the store. PEETEY Over here, over here. On the counter, on the counter. PLANK (walks over to Peetey) Do ya be talkin’ to me?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

47.

PEETEY Yea, you. Yea, you. PLANK What do ya be wantin’, ya dumb bird. PEETEY Make you a bet, make you a bet. PLANK What kind of bet do we be talkin’ about? PEETEY How much ya got, how much ya got? PLANK I got me two silver pieces left. And some copper. What do ya be havin’ in mind? PEETEY Buy me cheap, buy me cheap. PLANK Now why would I be doin’ that? What can some dumb bird be doin’ for me? PEETEY Make ya rich, make ya rich. Whadda ya say, whadda ya say? PLANK Well... I do be needin’ some luck and I do be homeless after this anyway... Why not. Calmed down, Shackleton strides back into the store from his office and observes Plank with Peetey. SHACKLETON Well, well, my prayers have been answered. Would you like to purchase the bird? PLANK How much ya be askin’? SHACKLETON Ten silver pieces.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

48.

PLANK I be short on that. PEETEY Over-priced, over-priced (caws) Scam artist, scam artist. SHACKLETON How much do you have? PLANK Two silver pieces. SHACKLETON Well, talk about a scam. That bird is worth at least five. PEETEY Shackleton Scrooge, Shackleton Scrooge. SHACKLETON Ya know what, you can have him. Two silver pieces it is. Just get him out of my sight. Now! Plank exchanges silver for Peetey and exits store. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE SHACKLETON’S SHOP - NIGHT Plank strolls along with Peetey on his shoulder. PLANK So how ya be makin’ me rich, bird? PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) I’ve created a new business method of poker gambling called tandem-gambling-ratio-synchronization. What?? PLANK PEETEY Tandem-gambling-ratio-synchronization. This is how it works. Two people, working as a team in a gambling hall, must employ Socreatic methods of percentages and ratios to the (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

49.

PEETEY (cont’d) estimated results of any given deal of cards within a specific framework of codes given precisely with the same body language and tonality. Both parties must be in constant synchronization of the herein established code. Are you ready to establish the code? PLANK (scratches head) What be that again? PEETEY Listen, ya dumb pirate, just do whatever I tell you. This way it’ll be much easier for both of us. PLANK Hey now, don’t be callin’ me a pirate. I be no pirate. PEETEY Just do what I say and we’ll both get rich. Okay? PLANK Okay, but what do I be doin’? PEETEY I’ll explain as you walk us to the nearest gambling hall. PLANK We be off then. PEETEY Now, listen carefully. Reconnaissance work is mine. As I watch each player’s cards, listen to the catch phrases I say. The first letter of each word represents what kind of hand they have. So, if I say, "funny hat", that means they have a full house. If the word starts with the letter "n", that means they have nothing. Got it? PLANK I be gettin’ it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

50.

PEETEY Do you have any coins at all left over? PLANK Only some copper pennies. PEETEY That will do. Let the games begin. They enter the same gambling hall Plank had just left. INT. GAMBLING HALL - NIGHT The same two dice-gamblers notice Plank. GAMBLER #1 Look who it is. If it ain’t the perennial dice loser. PLANK There be no more dice for me. GAMBLER #2 A pity. I certainly would enjoy takin’ more of your money, but you ain’t got any. They both laugh. Plank keeps walking by them. PEETEY (mocks their laughter) Hillbillies, hillbillies. GAMBLER #1 Look. He’s come back with a wise-crackin’ bird. GAMBLER #2 What for? Is he a good luck charm? PLANK Ya could be sayin’ that. Plank approaches poker table where three other poker players sit. Peetey flies to a spot about them. Plank joins in. PLANK Ahoy, mateys.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

51.

POKER PLAYER #1 He sounds like a pirate. No pirates play here. Are you a pirate? PLANK I be no pirate, but I do be a former royal English privateer. POKER PLAYER #2 Okay, that’s fine. Ante up. They toss in coins, deal cards, and start playing. POKER PLAYER #1 I bet two coppers. POKER PLAYER #2 I call. POKER PLAYER #3 I raise ten coppers. PEETEY (O.S.) Funny hat, funny hat. POKER PLAYER #1 Something wrong with your bird? Nobody’s wearing a hat around here. PLANK No, no. He just tends to be sayin’ random things. Don’t be payin’ him no attention. (puts cards down) I fold. Fold. Fold. POKER PLAYER #3 (shows cards) What a shame! I had a full house. Cards are re-dealt to start a new bet. POKER PLAYER #2 I bet three coppers. POKER PLAYER #1 POKER PLAYER #2

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

52.

I call.

POKER PLAYER #3

PEETEY (O.S.) Nerds, nerds. PLANK I raise four coppers. I fold. POKER PLAYER #1

POKER PLAYER #2 I raise two coppers. I fold. POKER PLAYER #3

PLANK I raise three more coppers. I call. POKER PLAYER #2

PLANK What be yar hand? POKER PLAYER #2 (shows cards) Nothing. But I do have ace high. PLANK (shows cards) Thare be two pair. I win. Plank takes the coins from the pot. INT. GAMBLING HALL - NIGHT - 30 MINUTES LATER Plank’s coin pile has grown much more than the other players’. A new game begins. POKER PLAYER #1 I bet four coppers. I call. POKER PLAYER #2

POKER PLAYER #3 I raise two coppers.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

53.

PEETEY (O.S.) Tree on a knoll, tree on a knoll. PLANK I raise ten coppers. POKER PLAYER #1 I raise five coppers. I fold. I call. POKER PLAYER #2 POKER PLAYER #3

PLANK I raise four coppers. POKER PLAYER #1 I raise three coppers. I fold. POKER PLAYER #3

PLANK I call. (shows cards) Two aces. POKER PLAYER #1 (shows cards) Three kings. PLANK What be thare? POKER PLAYER #1 Look for yourself. Three kings. (off Plank’s look) You look mighty suspicious right now. Is something going on here? PLANK No, no. I be realizin’ that I be late for something. I be cashin’ in now. Good night, mateys. Plank stashes his winnings into a large coin bag and leaves the table. Peetey flies onto his shoulder, and they exit.

54. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE GAMBLING HALL - NIGHT Some people walk nearby on the street. PLANK Ya be tellin’ me wrong, Peetey. PEETEY Never wrong, never wrong. (caws) Always right, always right. Alone on the street now. PLANK Tree on a knoll? Don’t that be meaning "three of a nothing"? PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) Listen, dumb pirate. "Tree on a knoll" means "three of a kind". The "k" in knoll is silent. I used that word to keep them from becoming suspicious of collusion. Do I have to teach you how to spell also? PLANK No. And don’t be callin’ me pirate. PEETEY Fine, but from now on, acquiesce to all my instructions, and I will make you a very successful man. EXT. BEACH (IRELAND) - CAMPSITE - DAY SUPER: 10 MORE YEARS PASS Water jugs lay scattered all over the campsite. Crewman #1 finishes drinking a water jug and tosses it to the ground. CREWMAN #1 Captain, we’ve been tryin’ to get off this island here for the last twenty years now with no success, and we’re almost out of water. Not only that, but we’re running short on precious food and supplies. Jenny, now dressed as one of Snelgrave’s crewmen, is called JIMMY by the crew. She wears a mustache and beard. She speaks in as manly a voice as she’s able to. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JIMMY (JENNY) And Captain, it’s time to start thinking about your men, and not just yourself. SNELGRAVE Okay, okay, Jimmy. You know, you always seem to nag me somehow. But you’re right. We need to give up on the idea of escape, and we need to start working on the idea of living on this island permanently. Somebody grab me the map. (to Jimmy) I just miss Jenny so much. I wish I could see her again. JIMMY (leans closer to Snelgrave) Well, maybe you can. SNELGRAVE How? How can I do that when we can’t even get off this blasted island? JIMMY (leans even closer) Well, there may be a way. I -CREWMAN #2 Captain Snelgrave, here’s the map you asked for.

55.

Snelgrave turns away from Jimmy and places map on a table. SNELGRAVE Okay. With this map we’ve made, we know that there are barbarians in this area. (points at area on map) We also know that the convicts settled in this area, (points at area on map) and that "Thee Leopards" settled in that area. (points at area on map) And from what our scouts have told us, there may be a colony of little people located quite possibly in this area. (points at area on map) And this is the plan.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: CREWMAN #2 (scratches head) Sorry, I missed that. What’s the plan again, Captain? SNELGRAVE I didn’t get there yet. CREWMAN #2 Oh. (beat) Well, when you do, can you repeat it again for me, Captain? SNELGRAVE Fine. Just for you, my lovely. CREWMAN #2 Thank you, Captain. SNELGRAVE Okay. Here’s the plan. You two (points at Crewmen #1 and #2) will go to find out more about these little people and where they live. The rest of us will go make a peace treaty with the barbarians and try to see if we can negotiate for food and supplies. Any questions? CREWMAN #2 Captain, you don’t have to repeat the plan. I got it. SNELGRAVE That’s great, but that’s not a question. You need to follow orders better. Oh. CREWMAN #2

56.

(beat) Captain, can you repeat the plan again? SNELGRAVE You just said you understood. CREWMAN #2 Oh. (beat) Well, you said we could only ask questions. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: SNELGRAVE Yes, but you don’t ask questions that you already know the answer to. Oh. CREWMAN #2

57.

(beat) Well, I’ll be going now. No, no. That’s not a question. Captain, may I go now? I don’t know the answer to that, right? SNELGRAVE Yes, you may go. And, um, when you get back, I think we need to talk. CREWMAN #2 We can talk right now, Captain. (beat) Sorry, that’s not a question. What would you like to talk about, Captain? See, that’s a question. I’m getting better at following orders, Captain. SNELGRAVE Just goooo! EXT. GAMBLING HALL - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY VARIOUS GAMBLING HALLS - MONTAGE Plank, wearing nicer clothes, bets at a gambling hall with Peetey winning lots of silver pieces. Plank, wearing even nicer clothes, bets at a different gambling hall winning even more. Plank, wearing absolutely fabulous clothing, bets at another gambling hall and keeps winning. INT. NEW GAMBLING HALL - DAY Plank, entering gambling hall, recognizes Hornswaggle immediately and walks over. PLANK Hornswaggle! It be a long time. How ya be doin’? And where be the silver pieces ya still be owin’ me? (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

58.

HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe that I would never see you again, Captain. Are you still a captain, Captain? Planks shakes his head. HORNSWAGGLE Why I’m sorry to hear that. (pats Planks shoulder) Why I do believe I have your silver pieces, Walken. Hornswaggle takes out a coin bag and hands it to Plank. Plank stuffs it into his pocket. PLANK Well, it do be good seein’ ya again, Hornswaggle. Plank walks away. However, the coin bag is attached to a string. Hornswaggle pulls the string, and the coin bag falls out. Hornswaggle grabs the coin bag and stuffs it back into his own pocket. Hornswaggle then catches up to Plank. HORNSWAGGLE Why I do wonder what you’re doing here, Capt... um, Walken? PLANK I do be plannin’ to buy me a ship. PEETEY Pirate ship, pirate ship. PLANK No, Peetey. How many times do I be tellin’ ya thare be no pirates on me ship. HORNSWAGGLE Why if it’s a ship you’re after, I know of one right this moment that’s going for sale. Why I do believe I can bring you there right now if you like. PLANK That do be great news. Let’s be off then.

59.

EXT. DOCK OF NEW SHIP - DAY PLANK I had no idea that ya be such a good haggler, Peetey. We certainly be gettin’ this ship at a cheap price. PEETEY I worked it, I worked it. Smooth as silk, smooth as silk. PLANK Yes, that be true, Peetey. Well done. So, Hornswaggle, where be the rest of our old crew, ya be sayin’? HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe that most of our former crew members went to the city of Tripoli. PLANK Tripoli? That city be run by pirates. PEETEY Pirates, pirates. PLANK Peetey, I be tellin’ ya once more that thare be no pirates comin’ onto this ship. (looks back at Hornswaggle) Do ya be sure, Hornswaggle? HORNSWAGGLE Why I bet me entire coin bag that our old crew is in Tripoli right now. PLANK Now how do ya be doin’ that now that I be ownin’ yar coin bag. Plank reaches into his pocket to give proof, but his hand comes out empty. PLANK Hey thare. What trick do ya be playin’ on me now?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

60.

HORNSWAGGLE Why I don’t know what you’re talking about, Captain? Is it captain now? PLANK Yes, it be captain now. And ya be First Mate Hornswaggle again. But I be keepin’ a close eye on ya and yar tricksy ways. PEETEY Set the sails, set the sails. Find the treasure, find the treasure. HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe that your bird just said, "Find the treasure." PLANK Aye. Peetey be promisin’ to lead us to hidden treasure once we find a crew for the ship. PEETEY Pirate crew, pirate crew. PLANK I swear ya be deaf, Peetey. Thare will be no pirates on me ship. PEETEY We’ll see, we’ll see. Let’s be off, let’s be off. EXT. WOODS (IRELAND) - DAY Fatigued from the long march, Snelgrave and his crewmen trudge through the woods heading toward the location of the barbarian tribe. CREWMAN #3 Captain, are we there yet? SNELGRAVE No. How many times must I tell you. We will get there when we get there. JIMMY But Captain, what about the needs of your men? Look at them. They’re (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

61.

JIMMY (cont’d) getting weak and tired. You should think about setting up camp soon if we don’t reach the barbarians shortly. SNELGRAVE There you go again. Naggin’ me. JIMMY Why do you always say I’m nagging you? I’m not nagging you. I’m trying to make you care about someone other than yourself. SNELGRAVE You know somethin’, you sound an awful lot like Jenny. JIMMY Well, I’m sure Jenny loved you because you have a very kind heart, Will... uh, Captain. SNELGRAVE Loved? You don’t think she loves me anymore? I mean, I know it’s been twenty years, but she knew I was in the navy. JIMMY I’m sure she still loves you, Captain. SNELGRAVE How can you be sure? JIMMY Sometimes you just know. You get this feeling in your gut, and you just know. They continue walking through the woods. SNELGRAVE I don’t even know what I would say to her after twenty years. JIMMY Well, you could practice on me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

62.

SNELGRAVE I don’t know. It feels kind of awkward telling intimate things to a man. JIMMY You men! Always the same. Having feelings and being intimate is only for the women. Right? SNELGRAVE Pardon? JIMMY (realizing the slip) Oh, it’s just something my mother used to say to my father. (regaining control) So. What would you say to Jenny if you could speak to her right now. Jimmy turns toward Snelgrave and looks him right in the eyes. SNELGRAVE Hmm. If I could speak to her right now, I would say -Over Jimmy’s shoulder, Snelgrave catches sight of a stunningly beautiful woman in the distance bathing in a creek with her back bare, her feet splashing the water, and her waist covered with a white robe. She combs her wet hair. SNELGRAVE She’s gorgeous! I’m in love. I desire nothing more than to kiss her right now. JIMMY (caught up in the moment) Oh William. Jimmy leans over to kiss Snelgrave. Yet Snelgrave, not paying attention to Jimmy, slides right past Jimmy. Jimmy falls over in the attempt. Snelgrave nears this mysterious woman. Her back is to him as she combs her long, beautiful hair. SNELGRAVE Hello there, beautiful.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

63.

She turns around very slowly. Then, Snelgrave sees that it’s actually an ugly, bearded barbarian man. This ugly man screams in a very deep base voice. Snelgrave screams like a girl from the shock. This barbarian man jumps up and begins to scurry away. Snelgrave pursues. SNELGRAVE Come on, men, let’s follow! He’ll lead us straight to their tribe. Trailing the barbarian man, Jimmy comes in right behind Snelgrave and kicks him in the butt. SNELGRAVE Oww! What was that for? JIMMY Sorry. It was an accident. EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S NEW SHIP - DECK - DAY Plank and Peetey are alone on the deck. PLANK Well, Peetey, we be reachin’ Tripoli very soon. PEETEY Pirate city, pirate city. PLANK Peetey, what be this fascination with pirates? PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) Reminiscing of my younger days, I used to be a cockatoo on a pirate ship. PLANK Peetey, ya be no cocka... Ya be on a pirate ship before? PEETEY Yes. My owner was the infamous Calico Jack on the pirate ship, Anne Boleyn.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

64.

PLANK Ya be on the Anne Boleyn? PEETEY Aye. It was a magnificient ship. PLANK But I be destroyin’ that ship. They be takin’ the treasure I be after. PEETEY Yes, but Calico Jack hid the treasure on the island of Ireland in a secret cave that only I know the location of. Ergo, I can get it for you. PLANK If we be able to recover that treasure, I be able to get back into the good graces of the king. And I do be back in business as a royal English privateer. I do be missin’ that job. PEETEY Well, you amalgamate me a crew here in Tripoli, and I assure you, you’ll have your treasure. PLANK That be a deal. All of a sudden, they hear WAILING below deck. PLANK What be that noise? Plank, with Peetey on his shoulder, goes to check below deck. INT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S NEW SHIP - BELOW DECK - HALLWAY - DAY Plank sneaks down the hallway as the SOBBING continues to grow LOUDER and LOUDER. Reaching Hornswaggle’s room, Plank cracks open the door to peek inside.

65.

PLANK’S POV Hornswaggle lies in his bed all curled up while hugging himself with his back to Plank. His arms caress his body as he sobs. INT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S NEW SHIP - HORNSWAGGLE’S ROOM - DAY Hornswaggle’s hands continue to stroke his own back in a very nurturing way. HORNSWAGGLE Why it’s okay, Hornswaggle. People love you. You’ll be okay. Why you’re a beautiful person. Everything will keep getting better. (wails some more) No, no. Gotta be tough now. The world is hard, but I am strong. I’ll make it through. Why you’re a good... Hornswaggle rolls over and realizes that Plank and Peetey are staring at him. HORNSWAGGLE (jumps out of bed) Why I can’t believe you two are getting jollies off watching me cry! (moves closer to Plank) Why Benjamin Hornswaggle is nobody’s fool! Is that what you get your laughs from, watching other people’s misery? PEETEY Nutso, nutso. PLANK Quiet, Peetey! No, Hornswaggle. I be concerned about yar hurtin’. What be the problem, Hornswaggle? HORNSWAGGLE Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it right now. You wouldn’t understand.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

66.

PEETEY I know, I know. (caws) Nut, sooo! HORNSWAGGLE Why I won’t respond to that. I’m better than that. (moves past Plank) Why I do believe there’s work for us to do up on the deck. Hornswaggle walks out of the room. Plank follows. EXT. CAPTAIN PLANK’S NEW SHIP - DECK - CONTINUOUS Hornswaggle and Plank, with Peetey, step onto the deck from below. Immediately, they see land in the distance. PEETEY Land ahoy, land ahoy. HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe that’s the city of Tripoli I told you about. PLANK Do ya be sure? HORNSWAGGLE Why I’m as sure as a happy piggy. PEETEY Nutso, nutso. HORNSWAGGLE Why shut your trap, dumb parrot. PEETEY Cockatoo, cockatoo. (caws) Nutso. EXT. BARBARIAN VILLAGE - DAY Snelgrave and crew members chase the barbarian man into his village where he runs right up to the village chief. The CHIEF comes to talk to Snelgrave.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

67.

CHIEF (in Gaelic; subtitled) We are the Celtics. Why do you come to my tribe? SNELGRAVE (to Johnny) Was that English? JOHNNY No. I recognize that language. It’s Gaelic. I learned some of the language in school. SNELGRAVE Great. Can you help me out with this conversation? JOHNNY I’ll do my best, but I only know the basics. SNELGRAVE That’s fine. I can work the rest. So how do I say, "We come in peace. We want to make a deal with you and your people." Johnny whispers in Snelgrave’s ear. SNELGRAVE Got it. Jolly good. (to Chief; in Gaelic; subtitled) We come in peace. We want to make a deal with you and your people. CHIEF (in Gaelic; subtitled) Okay. Welcome. What kind of deal? SNELGRAVE What’d he say, Johnny? Johnny whispers in Snelgrave’s ear. SNELGRAVE Got it. How do I say... At this moment, a young lady runs up to the chief.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

68.

SNELGRAVE Wow! She’s very beautiful. It must be the chief’s daughter. How do I say, "Your daughter is very beautiful." Johnny whispers in Snelgrave’s ear. SNELGRAVE Got it. (to Chief; in Gaelic; subtitled) Your daughter has very large feet. The chief frowns harshly, the young lady looks at her feet self-consciously, and Johnny slaps his own forehead. SNELGRAVE What’s the matter? JOHNNY You just said that his daughter has very large feet. SNELGRAVE Oh. I can fix it. How do I say that again? Johnny whispers in Snelgrave’s ear. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. Snelgrave smiles at the young lady, then looks at the chief. SNELGRAVE (to Chief; in Gaelic; subtitled) You are very beautiful. Snelgrave winks at the chief. The chief flares with anger, and Johnny slaps his own forehead again. SNELGRAVE What’s the matter? JOHNNY You just told the chief he is very beautiful. SNELGRAVE Oh. Well, I can fix that. I remember what you said now. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: (to Chief; in Gaelic; subtitled) Your very large feet are very beautiful. The chief raises his spear. SNELGRAVE Run for your lives, men!!

69.

Snelgrave and his crewmen sprint as fast as they can together toward the woods while the chief and villagers race after them. EXT. WOODS (IRELAND) - DAY - 30 MINUTES LATER Exhausted, Snelgrave and his crewmen are running on fumes. SNELGRAVE Okay, men. I think we lost ’em. We can slow down now. Jimmy’s face whacks into a wayward tree branch before slowing down. The mustache and beard are stripped off. Jenny’s face appears. JENNY (JIMMY) (manly voice still) You call that diplomacy, Captain?! Now what are your men gonna do for food and supplies? CREWMAN #3 Captain, I think the barbarians scalped Jimmy. Jenny touches the top of her head confusedly, not realizing her beard and mustache fell off. Snelgrave’s shock overwhelms him. SNELGRAVE Did they ever scalp him! JENNY (still not realizing) What are you talking about? I’m fine. I think you’ve both gone crazy from over-exhaustion. SNELGRAVE Jenny! How did you do it? How did you pull it off for twenty years?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

70.

JENNY (blushing; touching her face) Well, it wasn’t too hard. First of all, you aren’t very observant. And second of all, it’s much easier trying to be a man than a woman. I mean, have you ever tried sitting down in a hoopskirt?! SNELGRAVE The love of my life is finally here, and she was here all along. What sweet irony! They tenderly hugh each other. At that moment, Crewmen #1 and #2 scamper up to the group. CREWMAN #1 Captain, we found the village of little people. And I gotta say, they’re quite friendly. They invited all of us back for a feast today. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. We might even be able to negotiate a treaty for food and supplies also. (to Jenny) See. (to Crewman #1) Did you learn anything else from them while you were there? CREWMAN #1 Well Captain, they play this most interesting game using horseshoes. SNELGRAVE Horseshoes, eh. That’s really quite intriguing. I’d like to play this game. CREWMAN #1 As a matter of fact, Captain, I did tell the village mayor about you and told him you’re quite the sportsman. He mentioned he’d like to play a game with you when we arrive for the feast.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

71.

SNELGRAVE Jolly good. CREWMAN #1 He also claims he’s never lost a game. And if you’re able to beat him, he said he’d tell you a very guarded secret about some riches he knows about. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. Well, let’s be at it then. EXT. TRIPOLI’S MARINA - DAY Hornswaggle and Plank, with Peetey on his shoulder, walk up to an archway: the entrance to they city. ARCHWAY say, "Welcome To Tripoli. You’re Not Welcome." PLANK notices a sign saying "City Rules" on the archway. PLANK Hornswaggle, look at what this be. HORNSWAGGLE’S POV A sign with Tripoli’s laws and penalties. HORNSWAGGLE Laws of Tripoli. One, any item stolen must be replaced by a certified and identical stolen item within thirty days, no exceptions. Two, no singing "Skip to My Lou" before 6pm. Three, no gambling may occur on nationally recognized pirate holidays. (looks at Plank; continues) Penalties for law-breakers. One, swift kick in the bum. Two, fifty dunks in the tank. Three, the rack. BACK TO SCENE

72. Hornswaggle and Plank enter through the archway. EXT. STREETS OF TRIPOLI - DAY While strolling along, Hornswaggle and Plank observe a JOLLY PIRATE singing "Skip to My Lou". Immediately, a LAW ENFORCER runs up and kicks the pirate in the bum. JOLLY PIRATE Hey! That really hurt. LAW ENFORCER Well, let that be a lesson. There are consequences for breaking rules, ya know. Hornswaggle and Plank continue on. The approach a water-dunking booth. A DUNK-BOOTH ATTENDANT interacts with a HAGGARD-LOOKING PIRATE sitting atop the dunk tank. DUNK-BOOTH ATTENDANT (scary-sounding) You are going to be dunked over and over again until you get mostly wet or not very dry. Whichever comes first, matey. (polite-sounding) But before we get started, are ya feeling quite comfortable? Is there anything I can get ya before we begin? Perhaps a glass of water? HAGGARD-LOOKING PIRATE Why thank you very much, but no. (terrified) You’re going to dunk me in there?! DUNK-BOOTH ATTENDANT Yeah, I am. What about it? HAGGARD-LOOKING PIRATE Well don’t get me started. Do you realize I could get sick from this water?! Look how dirty it is! How do I know who else has been dunked in this water?! Is it chlorinated? I mean, in this day and age, lots of diseases can be transferred in something like this, and I don’t -The dunk-booth attendant pulls the crank, dropping the pirate into the water.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

73.

DUNK-BOOTH ATTENDANT So I won’t get ya started, matey. HAGGARD-LOOKING PIRATE (coming up for air) Are we done? Can I go home now? DUNK-BOOTH ATTENDANT No, matey. We’ve got forty-nine more times to go. Next time, don’t gamble on a national pirate holiday. Now get your scraggly carcass back up here! After watching, Plank and Hornswaggle continue on and come upon a site that says "The Rack". An EXECUTIONER interacts with a BIG BURLY PIRATE, tied up by ropes, standing straight up and stretched out across a rack. BIG BURLY PIRATE I’ll never tell you where the treasure’s at! EXECUTIONER You stole that treasure map and didn’t replace it with another certified and identical stolen treasure map, so you’d better tell us where the treasure’s located. Or else. BIG BURLY PIRATE Or else what? Do your worst. EXECUTIONER Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it. BIG BURLY PIRATE Nothing can make me tell. EXECUTIONER Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya. The executioner takes out a gigantic pink feather. EXECUTIONER Here comes the tickle monster. BIG BURLY PIRATE No! Not the tickle monster!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: EXECUTIONER Tickle, tickle, tickle.

74.

The executioner tickles the pirate. The pirate first starts to laugh, but then starts to cry and laugh uncontrollably. BIG BURLY PIRATE No, please, stop! I’ll confess, I’ll confess! Please! I promise to be a good boy! Stop it! Please!! Plank and Hornswaggle move on. EXT. TAVERN - DAY Hornswaggle and Plank stop at the entrance of a tavern. HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe, Captain, we should ask around in here for any leads to find our former crew. PLANK That be a good idea. INT. TAVERN - DAY A BAR PIRATE, with a hook on his right hand, orders a drink from a BARTENDER. BAR PIRATE (very demanding) Give me a Shirley Temple with a twist of lemon! (very polite) And can ya throw in some of those sweet cherries, please? BARTENDER Comin’ right up. BAR PIRATE (very demanding) And while you’re at it, how ’bout one of those cute li’l umbrellies? (very polite) Thank ya very much. (very demanding) And make it snappy! After a beat, the bartender serves the drink with no umbrella. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

75.

BAR PIRATE (slams hook into wood counter) Where’s me umbrellie?! Bartender places umbrella in drink. Bar pirate struggles to remove hook from counter until he finally yanks it so hard that it flies across the room into the drink of BLACK BART, a mean-looking pirate. BLACK BART Whose hook this be?! Plank recognizes him and walks over. PLANK Privateer Bartholomew, how do ya be? BLACK BART Ahoy, Captain. It no is Bartholomew anymore. Black Bart is me name now. PLANK Well, do ya be knowin’ where the rest of the old crew be? BLACK BART The last remaining here is me. Why ya askin’? PLANK Glad ya be askin’. I do be lookin’ for a new crew to be findin’ some treasure. BLACK BART Thare be good news for ya. Tomorrow is the annual Tripoli pirate job fair, if ya be interested. PLANK I do be interested. Tomorrow it be then. EXT. TRIPOLI’S MARINA - PIRATE JOB FAIR - FOLLOWING MORNING Black Bart, Hornswaggle, and Plank, with Peetey, sit at a table interviewing potential crew members. Pirates stand in line awaiting their turn.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

76.

PLANK Where be yar last job? LINE PIRATE #1 I was a prisoner and cook at the Buccaneer Prison. But it was the nicest prison in all of -Next. PLANK

An eccentric-looking, red-headed pirate, TIMMY TOM TOM, walks up with something behind his back hooked on a strap. PLANK Do ya be any good at sword fightin’? TIMMY TOM TOM Well, I used a sword once when I was eight. But it scared me. Then I heard someone say something very profound, "The pen is mightier than the sword." (twirls ukulele from behind his back on its strap and starts to play it) Which is why I started to play this. PLANK Okay, okay. We do be needin’ some entertainment on the trip anyhow. PEETEY Silence is golden, silence is golden. PLANK Be comin’ back at 3pm to set sail. Next! A puffy-haired pirate, OVAR HEIRE, walks up. PLANK Do ya be huntin’ treasure ever? OVAR HEIRE Well, there was the one time I went treasure hunting for my friend, John Silver’s, treasure-hunting birthday party, and I was the first to find it. Poor John, no one told (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: OVAR HEIRE (cont’d) him. He wandered the woods for a long, long time before he finally figure it out, which is how he got his nickname "Long" John Silver.

77.

ANGLE WIDENS to reveal "Long" JOHN SILVER, an enormous and intimidating black man, standing behind Ovar Heire. JOHN SILVER Hey, you never told me that before! Ovar turns around and gulps. OVAR HEIRE Oh, hey John. I was just sayin’ how you’re called "Long"... CAMERA TRACKS John Silver from feet to head SLOWLY. OVAR HEIRE .... because of how tall... and how frightening you look to children... and adults... Oh Lord. PLANK Okay, okay. You two be hired. Be meetin’ back here at 3pm. Next! (to Hornswaggle) This do be takin’ awhile. EXT. TRIPOLI’S MARINA - DAY - FEW HOURS LATER Tommy Tim Tim, Ovar Heire, John Silver, and the rest of Plank’s new crew arrive. Plank, Hornswaggle, and Black Bart are missing. PEGMAYLION, an early 50s, raggedy-looking pirate with two pegs for arms, walks up to Ovar Heire. PEGMAYLION Hey, youngin’. Name’s Pegmaylion. OVAR HEIRE Hello. My name is Ovar. Ovar Heire. PEGMAYLION Well, Mr. Heire. Can you gve me five? Ovar looks at Pegmaylion’s peg arms and hesitantly raises his right hand to give Pegmaylion a "high five".

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

78.

PEGMAYLION (laughs) You gonna pull five copper pieces out of the sky? OVAR HEIRE Oh. I thought you meant -PEGMAYLION What? One of those English "high fives"? Don’t ya have any common sense? (shakes his peg arms at Ovar) How was I gonna do that? OVAR HEIRE I guess... I guess I didn’t want to discriminate. What do you need five copper pieces for? New shoes. OVAR HEIRE’S POV Pegmaylion has a new-looking boot on his left foot and a hook on the right as a foot replacement. BACK TO SCENE PEGMAYLION (barks out laughter) I was just playin’ with ya. Give me a "high five", youngin’! Pegmaylion raises a peg arm and keeps laughing. Ovar looks like he’s caught in a bad dream. Next to them, BLACK-EYE BILLIE, a mid20s black woman, ambles up to SAMUEL PRESENT, a mid40s, bearded narcolyptic, and HEZA THAIR, a stereotypical-looking Italian man. BLACK-EYE BILLIE And who might you two be? SAMUEL PRESENT Hello, ma’am. Name’s Present. Samuel Present. HEZA THAIR Hi ya. My name is Heza. Heza Thair. PEGMAYLION

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: BLACK-EYE BILLIE Hi, Samuel. Heza. I’m Billie. But most people call me "Black Eye". SAMUEL PRESENT Nice to meet... Samuel Present’s chin drops to his chest and starts to snore. WEEAHR WARE, a skinny, mid-30s black man, approaches Black-Eye Billie. WEEAHR WARE "Black guy"? What kind o’ crazy started calling you "black guy". You look like some brown sugah to me. BLACK-EYE BILLIE I said, "Black Eye!" WEEAHR WARE And why they call you "Black Eye"? BLACK-EYE BILLIE And what was your name? WEEAHR WARE First name’s Weeahr. Last name’s Ware. BLACK-EYE BILLIE Well, Weeahr. I’ll explain why.

79.

She slugs Weeahr in the left eye. John silver cracks up hysterically. WEEAHR WARE Oww! Whoever said there are no bad questions was a moron! Just then, Hornswaggle, Black Bart, and Plank, with Peetey, stride up to the group. PLANK (holding a role call sheet) Ahoy, mateys. Glad ya be here. Now, just to be makin’ sure I do have all hands on board, I be takin’ a quick role call before we be off. Plank reads the names off his role sheet.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

80.

PLANK Tommy Tim Tim? TOMMY TIM TIM (strums ukulele) At your request, Captain. PLANK Black-Eye Billie? BLACK-EYE BILLIE Uh huh. PLANK Pegmaylion? PEGMAYLION Here. OVAR HEIRE At attention. PLANK I didn’t be callin’ yar name yet. OVAR HEIRE Oh. Sorry, sir. PLANK (continuing role call) WEEAHR WARE OVAR HEIRE

Ware? Here.

Present.

SAMUEL PRESENT (startled out of sleep) He... Here, here. OVAR HEIRE (keeps hearing his name) Yes? What is it? PLANK Why do ya keep callin’ out? Ya be confusin’ me. So what be yar name? OVAR HEIRE Ovar Heire, sir.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: PLANK

81.

Where?

WEEAHR WARE Yes, Captain? Are ya lookin’ for me? PLANK (to Weeahr Ware) No. I thought I be callin’ yar name already. But do tell me yar full name to be clearin’ this up. WEEAHR WARE Weeahr Ware, sir. PLANK Just to be givin’ ya a bit of a clue, we be all right here! WEEAHR WARE I know where we are, sir. PLANK If’n ya do, then do be tryin’ to be tellin’ me yar full name one more time. Can ya be doin’ that for me? WEEAHR WARE Yes, sir. Weeahr Ware, sir. PLANK Why do ya keep askin’ where we be at?! I thought we be past that. WEEAHR WARE That’s my name, sir. Weeahr Ware. PLANK’S POV - ROLE CALL SHEET The name Weeahr Ware appears in bold lettering. PLANK Oh, yea. Sorry ’bout that. BACK TO SCENE PLANK (continuing role call) Present? Who is Present? Samuel Present snores away.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

82.

WHOLE CREW (snickering) We’re all present, sir! PLANK Oh really. You all be Present? Well, we be quickly changin’ that if ya be all smart alecks. The whole crew quiets down. PLANK Now. Where is Present? WEEAHR WARE (points at Samuel Present) There. HEZA THAIR At your ah disposal, signore. PLANK Yar name be Present? HEZA THAIR No, signore. PLANK I no be lookin’ for ya yet. But who be ya anyway? HEZA THAIR Heza Thair, signore. PLANK What do ya be meanin’, "He’s There"? HEZA THAIR No, signore. Heza Thair. PLANK Who’s where? Me, sir. WEEAHR WARE

PLANK I be knowin’ that already! WEEAHR WARE Sorry, sir.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

83.

PLANK Alright then. Now, whoever be Present, speak up! WHOLE CREW (laughing loudly) We are, sir! PLANK Oh, all ya be thinkin’ this be funny do ya?! Well, the next person who speaks out will be walkin’ d’ plank. WHOLE CREW (laughing even louder) You’re Walken D. Plank, sir! You spoke out, sir! Good job! PLANK Enough of this! Just be gettin’ on the ship. Obviously, ya be all here. WHOLE CREW We’re not all Heire, sir! OVAR HEIRE That’s me, sir! I’m Heire, sir! Plank steams off exasperated. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - HORSESHOE GAME AREA - DAY Snelgrave’s crew members are surrounded by leprechauns, mostly small with some giants, dressed in all green. Snelgrave and the LEPRECHAUN MAYOR play horseshoes. If I will in a been LEPRECHAUN MAYOR make this shot, William, you need to make two perfect shots row to beat me. It’s never done.

The leprechaun mayor shoots and makes the shot. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Aye, me lucky charms! What a shot! Snelgrave grabs a horseshoe for his own toss.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

84.

SNELGRAVE Johnny, whadda ya think? JOHNNY Well, Captain, I think considering the wind speed, I would use a forty-seven degree trajectory, and with the distance, I would -SNELGRAVE Thanks, Johnny. I think I’ll just take the shot before I get too nervous. Snelgrave shoots, and it’s perfect. SNELGRAVE Jolly good! Well, one more shot to go. Johnny, I’m a little nervous. Any advice? JOHNNY Yes. This reminds me of something my father once told me. SNELGRAVE Yeah. What’d he say? JOHNNY (imitating father’s voice) "Be a man! Suck it up! Even if you don’t feel like it! (puts thumb in mouth) And stop sucking your thumb! You’re twelve years old for Pete’s sake!" Johnny gives Snelgrave a strange smile. SNELGRAVE (coughs nervously) Right then... Hmmph. I think I’ll just make the shot. Snelgrave takes the shot. It’s perfect. JOHNNY (jumps up and down wildly) We did it! We did it! SNELGRAVE Uh, yeah... We did. Jolly good. Snelgrave taps Johnny very awkwardly on the shoulder.

85.

EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - CAMPFIRE - NIGHT Snelgrave’s crew and the leprechauns socialize toghether. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR ... And so that’s how we leprechauns came to be. On the trip to this island, the convicts and "Thee Leopards" began to interbreed, and we were the results of their union. SNELGRAVE So, how did you end up way out here away from both of those groups? LEPRECHAUN MAYOR We were ostracized, you see. And over time, both groups pulled away from each other, and we were stuck in between. Neither group wanted us, and they gave us the name "Leopard-Cons", though we call ourselves leprechauns. And because we were orphans, we depended on each other to survive. SNELGRAVE I know what that’s like. I grew up as an orphan myself. So I know what it means to do everything for yourself just to survive. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Yeah, it’s been tough. None of us is over twenty, yet we all feel much older from the whole experience. We even started to wear all green in order to camouflage ourselves from both groups since we were so disliked. SNELGRAVE Well, my heart goes out to anyone who’s an orphan. And since my crew and I are stuck on this island now, we would like to make peace wherever possible. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR We would like that to.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

86.

SNELGRAVE Jolly good. So what’s this secret I was told you would tell me if I beat you at that game of horseshoes? LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Oh yes, that. Well, I’ll tell you, you see... EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - CAMPFIRE - NIGHT - MINUTES LATER LEPRECHAUN MAYOR ... And we followed the rainbow all the way to its end, and we came upon a cave, located just outside our village, with two identical treasure chests hidden in it. So fortunately, even though we grew up as orphans, we have had great wealth. Though we did melt the gold from one of them to make our own lucky charms. SNELGRAVE Treasure, eh? LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Yeah. And lots of gold. SNELGRAVE (yawns) Well, well. I am getting really tired now, so I think I’ll call it a night. But I’ll tell you what. How about tomorrow we’ll throw you a party to celebrate our new alliance? LEPRECHAUN MAYOR That sounds wonderful. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. Well then, we’ll be back around noon tomorrow.

87.

EXT. BEACH (IRELAND) - NIGHT Plank and his crew walk away from their ship onto Ireland under a full moon. PEETEY Pirates find treasure, pirates find treasure. PLANK Peetey, thare be no pirates... Plank looks at his crew. All pirates. PEETEY Told ya so, told ya so. (caws) Always right, always right. Never wrong, never wrong. PLANK Well that be no matter. I be no pirate. PEETEY We’ll see, we’ll see. EXT. WOODS (IRELAND) - NIGHT As Plank and his crew advance through the dense woods, SCREECHING and HISSING from unseen CATS gets LOUDER and LOUDER. With each step, the crew’s paranoia increases. PLANK What be all this racket? HORNSWAGGLE Why I don’t know, Captain. Why I do believe my inner leg is... uh... PEETEY Peed his pants, peed his pants. The SCREECHING and HISSING continues to get LOUDER. All of a sudden, Anna jumps right in front of them. They all scream. ANNA Hello, gentlement. Welcome to our territory. Would you like to hear some show tunes?

88.

Then, one-by-one, members of "Thee Leopards" gang shuffle in behind Anna and begin to sing. Plank and his crew, full of terror, flee the opposite way. EXT. SNELGRAVE’S CAMP - NIGHT Very late at night. All are asleep. Snelgrave walks through camp until he reaches Johnny’s tent. INT. JOHNNY’S TENT - NIGHT Snelgrave enters and sees Johnny sleeping in the fetal position sucking his thumb. SNELGRAVE Johnny, Johnny. Wake up. JOHNNY Daddy? Daddy is that you? Snelgrave shakes Johnny awake. JOHNNY (removes thumb from mouth) Oh, Captain. It’s you. SNELGRAVE Johnny, wake all the men and bring them to my tent. But don’t wake Jenny. Okay? JOHNNY Okay, Captain. INT. SNELGRAVE’S TENT - NIGHT Snelgrave, standing next to a large papyrus chart, lectures. SNELGRAVE Okay, men. The plan is called "Operation Tea and Crumpets". CREWMAN #2 Good. I’m hungry. SNELGRAVE (draws on papyrus chart) The "X’s" here represent us. The "O’s" here represent the leprechauns. When we arrive to the (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

89.

SNELGRAVE (cont’d) leprechaun village, our party will act as a decoy as I carry away the treasure. CREWMAN #2 Food and treasure. My two favorite things in life, just after those cute little meerkats. I just love those little critters. SNELGRAVE After the main distraction is created, each man will take a leprechaun. (draws lines on board) While you distract them, I will sneak off to the cave to grab a treasure chest. Everyone understand? ALL CREWMEN Yes, Captain. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. Now, go prepare for the trip. EXT. CONVICT TOWN - BREAK OF DAWN Plank and his men exit woods crows. Immediately, CONVICTS flag, sewn together by black in the middle of town as the and see a town. A rooster enter streets from houses. A and white prison garb, raises convicts gather around.

CONVICTS We pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Convicts of Brittania. And to the Parliament, whom we cannot stand. One nation, on parole; quite divisible, without liberty and no justice, for all. As the convicts disperse, Plank recognizes Drake. PLANK Privateer Drake! Do that be you? DRAKE Captain Plank?! What are you doing here?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

90.

PLANK I be here to find hidden treasure. What do ya be here for with these convicts? DRAKE Well, Captain, after Parliament discharged us from service, I was so mad I kicked a Parliament guard. Boy do I regret that. PLANK Well, matey, ya don’t be havin’ to stay here if ya don’t be wantin’ to. As soon as we be takin’ the treasure, we be off this island. Do ya be wantin’ to join us? DRAKE I would love to. I don’t feel like I fit in with these people here. PLANK Great news. We be off then. DRAKE Oh, and before we leave, Captain, I have an explosive device made from gun powder and supplies taken from the shipwreck. I’ll bring it just in case we need it. PLANK That be great. Do be grabbin’ it quickly and let’s be off. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - PARTY AREA - DAY LEPRECHAUN MAYOR This party you planned for us has turned out great. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. We were planning all last night to make it one to remember. At that moment, a LEPRECHAUN SCOUT approaches. LEPRECHAUN SCOUT Mayor, we have a big problem. We’ve spotted pirates heading straight (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

91.

LEPRECHAUN SCOUT (cont’d) towards our village right as we speak. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Thank you for telling me. (to Snelgrave) Sorry, William, but it appears we have some unwanted guests. (to leprechauns) Prepare for battle! The leprechaun mayor leaves to prepare. SNELGRAVE (gathers crew around him) Alright, men. This wasn’t the distraction I planned for, but it may work even better for us. Stay here with the leprechauns until I give the signal, okay? JENNY What’s going on, William? SNELGRAVE I’ll explain later. Just stay with the leprechauns until you hear me give the signal. Snelgrave leaves the scene. EXT. WOODS - OUTSKIRTS OF LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - DAY Plank and his pirates huddle around in a group. PLANK Mateys, do be stayin’ here for fifteen minutes, which be enough time for me to get to the treasure. At fifteen minutes, be chargin’ with yar swords at the village. Hornswaggle and Drake, do be followin’ me. PIRATES Aye, aye, Captain.

92.

EXT. TREASURE CAVE - DAY Snelgrave approaches the cave and sees two leprechaun-giants guarding the entrance. Puzzled at first about what to do, then: SNELGRAVE Hey, you two! Your mayor demanded your presence immediately. Your village is under attack! Both leprechaun-giants race toward the village. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - DAY Drake, Hornswaggle, and Plank, with Peetey, sneak up to the edge of the village. Drake takes out the explosive device. DRAKE Captain, if we plant this explosive device here, it should be near enough to act as a distraction to the villagers, yet harm no one. PLANK That do be good. Let’s be doin’ it then and be off. DRAKE (lights explosive device) Okay, with the extra length of this string, we have about fifteen minutes before it explodes. Drake plants it on the ground, and they leave. EXT. WOODS - OUTSKIRTS OF LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - DAY Plank’s crew discusses the plan as they wait. PEGMAYLION Didn’t he say wait fifteen minutes before we charge? OVAR HEIRE Well, I think it was more a rough estime of time, as we have no actual way of knowing how much time has passed.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

93.

TOMMY TIM TIM Therefore, it must be based on a feeling of how much time we think has passed. SAMUEL PRESENT There’s an emotion for time? I didn’t know that. PEGMAYLION Well, I have two feelings right now. The first, I feel enthusiasm with a tinge of inadequacy bursting with apprehension. SAMUEL PRESENT But that’s three feelings. PEGMAYLION Well, a feeling can be complicated to explain. SAMUEL PRESENT I know. I have first-hand experience with that one. I mean, when I tell my therapist that I feel "blah", he tells me to elaborate. So I say, "Blah, blah, blah." Then he says, "Don’t you dare mock me!" Then I say, "I’m not mocking you. You told me to elaborate, so I did." You see what I’m saying? Even my therapist gets confused with how complicated my feelings can get. JOHN SILVER Real men don’t talk about their feelings. Feelings show weakness. Crying shows weakness. OVAR HEIRE It’s okay, John, to talk about your feelings as a man. That type of thinking is medieval. So come on, share with us. JOHN SILVER Well... Alright. I guess I really wanna say that I feel very resentful towards you, Ovar. You never told me you found the treasure at my own treasure-hunting (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

94.

JOHN SILVER (cont’d) party. And that was my birthday! I wandered around in those woods for a week. The pirates chuckle. JOHN SILVER Hey, don’t laugh at my feelings! And I want you to know, Ovar, that I feel very hurt. (turns away from camera; then turns back around crying like an hysterical woman) But I forgive you! I forgive you! Come give "Long" John a big hug. BLACK-EYE BILLIE It’s settled then. I wear the pants in the group. They hug. Ovar looks like he’s being strangled, while John is taking too much pleasure in the hug. PEGMAYLION Aww, isn’t that cute. Anyway, the second feeling I have is that enough time has passed now. We should begin the charge. You all remember the last time we were late? WEEAHR WARE Oh, I definitely remember, and boy was the captain mad at us! My anterior tibialis still burns! OVAR HEIRE Yeah, let’s not repeat that. So, I say we start the charge now, and if we feel we may arrive too early, we can always slow down to a saunter instead of a mad dash. BLACK BART Arrrr! We charge then! They start the charge toward the leprechaun village.

95.

INT. TREASURE CAVE - DAY Snelgrave finds two identical treasure chests. He opens both: one empty; the other full. Then, he overhears outside voices. He quickly grabs the empty chest, pulls it behind a large rock in the back of the cave, and hides in it. EXT. TREASURE CAVE - DAY Hornswaggle, Drake, and Plank, with Peetey, approach. PLANK Do ya be sure this be it, Peetey? PEETEY That’s it, that’s it. They enter the cave. INT. TREASURE CAVE - CONTINUOUS Plank immediately sees the one treasure chest. He opens it to find treasure. PLANK We be rich, mateys. At that moment, the two leprechaun-giants enter the cave. LEPRECHAUN-GIANT #1 The mayor said to go back and guard the cave. He never called us over. (doesn’t recognize them) What are you doing with the treasure? Both leprechaun-giants unsheath their swords and engage Plank, Hornswaggle, and Drake in a fight. The leprechaun-giants force the sword fighting outside the cave. Once they are outside, Snelgrave comes out and switches the places of the empty chest with the full chest. He begins to fill the empty chest with rocks. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - DAY The leprechauns wear armor and hold oversized swords and clubs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

96.

LEPRECHAUN MAYOR Get ready to charge, men! (sees pirates charging ahead) Charge, men, charge! They sprint forward yelling leprechaun chants. EXT. GRASS PLAIN - OUTSKIRTS OF LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - DAY Both parties charge at each other. Just before the colliding point, they hear a LOUD EXPLOSION and stop the charge. LEPRECHAUN MAYOR What was that?! Back to the village, men! The leprechauns run back to the village. Pirates remain. HEZA THAIR What do we ah do now? OVAR HEIRE Let’s go find the captain. They dash off. EXT. TREASURE CAVE - DAY As they continue sword fighting, the LOUD EXPLOSION occurs. They stop fighting in the confusion. LEPRECHAUN-GIANT #1 What the heck was that?! LEPRECHAUN-GIANT #2 I don’t know, but it sounded like it came from the village. We better go check it out to make sure everything’s okay. Both leprechaun-giants run toward the village. PLANK Quick! Let’s be grabbin’ that treasure! They re-enter the cave.

97.

INT. TREASURE CAVE - CONTINUOUS PLANK (pointing at treasure chest) Thare she be. Grab her and let’s be off. Hornswaggle and Drake pick up the chest full of rocks, and they exit the cave. EXT. TREASURE CAVE - CONTINUOUS As Plank, Hornswaggle, and Drake come out, the rest of Plank’s crew scrambles up. PEGMAYLION Captain, we’ve been looking for you. Those little buggers are angry and still chasing us. We must be going quickly back to the ship. They head off with the treasure chest full of rocks. INT. TREASURE CAVE - DAY Snelgrave re-emerges from behind the rock in the back of the cave. He pulls the treasure chest toward the entrance. EXT. TREASURE CAVE - CONTINUOUS Snelgrave drags the treasure chest out and stops. SNELGRAVE Okay. Time to give the signal. Just as Snelgrave puts his hands to his mouth to make a loud noise, his crew arrives. JOHNNY Captain! Thank God. We found you. SNELGRAVE But I didn’t give the signal yet. JENNY The leprechaun village fire from some sort of and we’ve been looking place to make sure you caught on explosion, all over the were okay.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

98.

SNELGRAVE Jolly good. Well, as you can see, I’m okay. (motioning to the treasure chest) Now, can I get someone to help me carry this back to our camp? JENNY Isn’t that the leprechauns’ treasure? SNELGRAVE I’ll explain later. JENNY This is not right, William. SNELGRAVE I know what I’m doing, Jenny. It’s called survival. I’ve been doing it my whole life. JENNY And what about the leprechauns? How are they gonna survive? SNELGRAVE That’s not my concern, Jenny. I don’t live their lives. They start to walk back with treasure chest. Both Snelgrave and Jenny are upset. They see the village chaos and burning. SNELGRAVE Johnny. You’re always telling me to follow my heart. And you know what? JOHNNY Actually, Captain, I never said that, but what I did say was -SNELGRAVE I think it’s about time I started to follow some of your advice. INT. PLANK’S SHIP - CAPTAIN’S ROOM - DAY Plank and Peetey are alone.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

99.

PLANK Now Peetey, what do we be doin’ with this treasure? I do be thinkin’ that we should be givin’ some of it back to the king to be gettin’ back into his good graces. PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) No, no. We keep this treasure. We can find more treasure later to give back to Parliament. Why? PLANK

PEETEY There’s more treasure to discover, and I can help you find it. We can always give some to Parliament later. Why stop now? We’re on a roll. INT. PLANK’S SHIP - HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAPTAIN’S ROOM - DAY Plank’s crew overhears the conversation through the door. PLANK (O.S.) What about our crew? PEETEY (O.S.) I say we dump ’em and get a new, more experienced crew. PEGMAYLION Did you hear that?! They plan to dump us! BLACK BART Arrr! I say we dump them!! All in agreement, they bash into the captain’s room. INT. PLANK’S SHIP - CAPTAIN’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS JOHN SILVER What’s this about dumping us? PLANK Uh, hello, mateys.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

100.

PEETEY Pretty bird, pretty bird. They encircle Plank and Peetey. BLACK BART Arrr! Did ya think ya could dump us that easily?! Arrr! PEETEY Dumb bird, dumb bird. They grab Plank and Peetey and head to the deck. EXT. PLANK’S SHIP - DECK - DAY Plank, with Peetey on his shoulder, stands on a plank over the ship’s edge. PEGMAYLION You, Captain, you’ll be walkin’ d’ plank with your obnoxious little bird. Do you have any last words? PLANK Yes, thare be. I will no be Walken D. Plank. I already do be Walken D. Plank. PEGMAYLION Huh... Uh, anything else? PLANK No. That be all. With that, Pegmaylion pushes Plank overboard with Peetey. EXT. OCEAN - DAY Plank swims while Peetey perches on Plank’s head. PLANK Peetey, look where yar big mouth be gettin’ us now. I be tellin’ ya, if we be makin’ it to shore, I do be done with this pirate business. Hornswaggle swims up to them holding onto a wood plank.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

101.

HORNSWAGGLE Captain! Why I do believe I would have been lonely without you, so I bailed from the ship too. Why grab ahold of this piece and will make it to shore, Captain. They all grab on. The wood piece says "Anne Boleyn" on it. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - ESTABLISHING SHOT - DAY The village busily being repaired. EXT. LEPRECHAUN VILLAGE - NEW HUT - DAY Snelgrave, Jenny, and Johnny repair a leprechaun home. SNELGRAVE You know, Johnny, you were right. JOHNNY Thank you, Captain. That’s the first time you’ve ever -SNELGRAVE Sorry. Did I say, "Johnny"? (turns to Jenny) Jenny, you were right all along. JENNY I know, William. I want you to know that I’m so proud of you. SNELGRAVE Jolly good. You know, by helping these leprechauns rebuild their village, I finally feel some joy in my life thinking about someone other than myself for once. JENNY I knew you would, William. (kisses Snelgrave on cheek) I love you. SNELGRAVE Joooolly good. I love you too. They kiss. Johnny sucks his thumb.

102.

EXT. BEACH SHORE (ENGLAND) - DAY Plank, Peetey, and Hornswaggle wash up to shore. They begin to walk inland. EXT. SMALL TOWN (ENGLAND) - DAY Entering a small town, they immediately focus on a house with a sign that says, "Pirate Recovery Group: For Those Who Wish To Stop Compulsive Pirating." HORNSWAGGLE Why I do believe, Captain, that we should check that out. I’ve been to those meetings before, and they really help. Why especially for me, since I’m a chronic relapser. PLANK Well, I do be believin’ it’s worth a look. I be tired of all this pirate hullabaloo. INT. PIRATE RECOVERY HOUSE - DAY They enter and sit in a group already in session. RECOVERY PIRATE #1 ... And you know what also? He’s always yelling at me to "swab the deck" here and "hoist the mast" there. But did I ever hear a "thank you"? Never! (begins to sob) It made me feel so unappreciated! I feel so resentful toward that bad, bad, despicable, bad man! (sobs some more) And because of me resentment, I found me self gambling me pains away more than ever before. I need me help to forgive that man. Thank you. Hornswaggle and the others get up to give Recovery Pirate #1 a hug. RECOVERY PIRATE #2 sees Plank still sitting down. RECOVERY PIRATE #2 Haven’t you ever cried before, mate?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

103.

PLANK Of course I do be cryin’ before. RECOVERY PIRATE #2 But have you ever cried tears of sadness? PLANK Of course, where else do tears be comin’ from? RECOVERY PIRATE #2 Well, I cried from laughter before, mate. The other pirates join in the conversation. RECOVERY PIRATE #3 I cried from a sneezing fit once. RECOVERY PIRATE #4 I got the hiccups real bad one time and that made me cry. Allergies. RECOVERY PIRATE #5

RECOVERY PIRATE #6 Strong gust of wind. RECOVERY PIRATE #7 A mosquito flew in my eye once. RECOVERY PIRATE #8 If you have a chronic condition, like me, called "entropion" where your eyelid chronically turns into your eyeball, that can make you cry. RECOVERY PIRATE #9 A cat licked my eyeball once. They all look at Recovery Pirate #9 in shock. RECOVERY PIRATE #9 Well, it did happen.

104.

INT. PIRATE RECOVERY HOUSE - DAY SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER Plank, Peetey, Hornswaggle and pirates sit at the meeting. LEADER OF MEETING ... And I’d like to congratulate Captain Plank for his one year of sobriety from pirating. They all aplaud. LEADER OF MEETING So how’d ya do it, Captain Plank? PLANK (stands) Well, I do be makin’ bad choices in me life. Some really bad mistakes. Most of those I do be wishin’ I could be goin’ back in time and be changin’. But, I no be able to. So now, thanks be to this group, I be makin’ amends wherever I can in me life whenever I be doin’ something wrong. I be very grateful for this group and the joy I now be havin’. I be thankin’ ya, mateys. They all applaud again. LEADER OF MEETING Well, thank you very much, Captain Plank. We’re all so proud of you. (to Peetey) Is there anything you’d like to share, Peetey? PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) Hi. I’m Peetey the cockatoo, and I’m a compulsive thief. LEADER OF MEETING Anything else, Peetey? No. PEETEY

The leader of the meeting stares awkwardly at Peetey.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

105.

PEETEY Hey! What are you staring at? LEADER OF MEETING Now Peetey, honesty is the key to recovery. PEETEY Hey buddy, what are you trying to say? LEADER OF MEETING Peetey, you’re not really a cockatoo. PLANK Aye, Peetey, I be tryin’ to tell ya that, buy ya don’t be listenin’. PEETEY (bird voice) Hey, hey. No cross-talk, no cross-talk. EXT. PIRATE RECOVERY HOUSE - DAY Hornswaggle and Plank, with Peetey, walk outside. PLANK Peetey, I do be thinkin’ that I be ready to be makin’ amends to the Parliament. So let’s be headin’ over and be done with it. Hornswaggle, I be talkin’ to ya later. INT. PARLIAMENT - DAY King Walter, Jeff, and muppet-humans in heated debate. MUPPET-HUMAN #1 ... But Your Majesty, we keep getting complaints from the merchants. Many of them need more whale blubber in order to make and sell their cosmetics. KING WALTER Alright, alright. I’ve heard enough of your yappin’. I mean, at least a whale has only one blowhole! (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

106.

The muppet-humans boo. KING WALTER Oh, boo hoo! That was funny! Plank enters with Peetey. KING WALTER What the heck?! Have you gone mad?! What are you doing back here? PLANK Yar majesty, I would like to be apologizin’ for me past actions against the Parliament. KING WALTER Forgiven. I pardon your offenses. PLANK Also, Yar Majesty, I be hopin’ to be gettin’ back me old job if ya be havin’ mercy on yar servant. I be missin’ the seas, Yar Majesty. KING WALTER Well, I won’t give my permission for you to retain captain status again until you prove your worth. But I can let you serve as a low-grade privateer to start. PLANK Thank ya, Yar Majesty. I be very grateful, Yar Majesty. KING WALTER And don’t be caught stealing from me again, or else you’ll end up like William Kidd. Plank gives a blank look. KING WALTER Oh, I’m just kidding. Hah! That was clever. Get it? Plank stares back dumbfoundedly. KING WALTER William Kidd. Kidding? Oh never mind! Get out of my sight! And I order you to find a sense of humor!

107. Plank, with Peetey, leaves Parliament. EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY While walking along, Plank and Peetey stop in front of a jewelry store at the sight of a giant diamond on display. PEETEY Shiny jewel, shiny jewel. PLANK Peetey, that be the "Hope Diamond". PEETEY We could take it, we could take it. Whadda ya say, whadda ya say? PLANK Now Peetey, we have to be stayin’ on the straight and narrow. We be stealin’ and gamblin’ no more. Peetey sees his reflection in a large jeweled-mirror right next to the Hope Diamond. PEETEY (speaks with Oxford accent) Well, well. I guess I don’t look like the cockatoo I thought I was. PLANK Peetey, I be so proud of ya. This be a big step. Ya be no longer in denial of what ya be. PEETEY Yep. You were right. I was in denial. You know something, you’re more intelligent than I gave you credit for. PLANK I be thankin’ ya, Peetey. PEETEY And even though I’m never wrong, maybe I’m not always right. I mean, look at me. I’m not your typical cockatoo. I’m not even a parrot. (checks himself out in mirror) I’m a cockatoo disguised as a macaw. And what a disguise! I could be a spy, you know. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

108.

What?!

PLANK

CAMERA gradually PULLS BACK for an AERIAL VIEW. PEETEY Think about it. We could go into the business of espionage. We already know that I’m a cockatoo disguised as a macaw, but what would you be? PLANK I be no spy, Peetey. PEETEY (bird voice) We’ll see, we’ll see. (caws) Never wrong, never wrong. FADE OUT. THE END

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