July 2012

What To Do This Month Event Quick Reference Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Costambar Cable Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!

Yenny’s Market Loase Resort/Sam’s Bar Catamaran Beach Bar Pascual’s MarLou’s Restaurant Bieke’s Bar Happy Hippo

NEW SHOE WILL LIGHT THE WAY!
Inventors have finally come up with a shoe that is practical for a North Coast night. This footwear is guaranteed to ensure you get around in safety and comfort on those nights when the power is off. No more stumbling into unseen potholes or feeling your way blindly up stairs. The new footwear, called the ‘Shoe Shine’ will be on sale locally in the coming months.

Supermercado Tropical Big Lee’s Beach Bar El Jardin y Algo Mas Restaurant Chino The Meeting Place Maximillian’s Beach Bar Vena Beach Bar Chris & Mady’s Ocean World Marina Los Tres Cocos

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July!! The Meeting Place has started their summer hours - Monday to Friday 2pm-5:30pm. Keep checking their website for new activities throughout the season. Why not visit Maximillian’s Beach Bar on the malecon in Puerto Plata! Bieke’s Bar - the first bar in & the last bar out of Costambar! Drop by Saturdays for Costambar’s Best Burger! Check out the blackboards for food specials during the week! Sonja & Hill are back at Happy Hippo! Why not pass by and have a drink with them? Ocean World Casino is open 3pm to 3am with new slots, friendly dealers and free drinks! Free transportation from Costambar. Vena Beach Bar (caseta #2 on the Malecon) is a little bit of New York in Puerto Plata!

Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Fine dining at it’s best! Call 809-993-4503 for details. Closed June 19 to July 17 for vacation. Sam’s at Loase Resort & Spa has new summer hours from May 1 to September 30 they will be open Tuesday to Saturday 12 noon to 8pm and closed Sunday & Monday. At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach you’ll find great food at great prices enjoyed with a million dollar view! Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. They also hold a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month beginning at 10am. No cost to vendors! Pascual’s on Costambar Beach specializes in seafood from their live lobster tank. Every Thursday is Romantic Night with guitar music by the duo Los Reyes and Saturdays it’s Karaoke & a BBQ! Also available for parties and events! Big Lee's Beach Bar is the place to go on the Malecon in Puerto Plata. Oldies music and free popcorn! And featuring fantastic food by Mady's Restaurant, now permanently here with Big Lee! Hamburgers, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, sandwiches, fish and breakfast all day long. Open and serving at 10 a.m. Karaoke every Friday night! MarLou’s Restaurant has an all new cocktail selection! This month’s cocktail is Daquiri. And take their ad to enjoy a free homemade ice cream with your meal. Join them on Thursdays for Open Mic Night. Restaurant Chino has the best Chinese food on the North Coast! Eat in or take out. Two locations - on the Malecon in Puerto Plata and calle Principal in Cabarete. Chris & Mady’s has all your favourite sports including NFL and NHL! Try their seafood and lobster specials! Catch all the Olympic events this month and join them to celebrate the 4th of

My dog's a blacksmith. Every time we open the front door he makes a bolt for it.
OPEN FROM 12 NOON CLOSED SUNDAYS SATURDAYS BIEKE BURGERS!! CHECK OUR BOARD FOR FOOD SPECIALS!

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One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?" Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do" The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work ?" Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her". The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off. A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

COME FOR THE GREAT FOOD AT GREAT PRICES AND THE MILLION DOLLAR VIEW!

Don’t make me mad and then tell me to calm down. That’s like stabbing someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding.

EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH FREE TO VENDORS! Starting at 10am

FLEA MARKET!!!

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When you are feeling nostalgic come to… ‘Play It Again’

At Loase Much of What You Loved About Sam’s In Costambar!

VILLA FOR RENT BY THE WEEK
CASA OBEAR INF: 809-837-6845 www.casaloase.com

Spend today at Big Lee’s Beach Bar
Every Friday 8pm until midnight
Bar and Restaurant Open at 10 a.m. Food served until 8pm – Bar open until midnight

Burgers, Chicken, Fish, Fries, Onion Rings & Breakfast ALL DAY

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I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite place to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. Signed, Residing in Coherent

Restaurant Chino
Best Chinese Food On the North Coast! Two Great Locations! Eat In or Takeout!
Xiang Wan Jia Plaza Neptuno, Malecon, Puerto Plata 809-261-5609 Calle Principal, Cabarete 809-571-0385

I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. He said he would like to come back as a pig. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee', she said. 'Where', he asked. 'Between the first and second hole', she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet are too far apart.

INTERNATIONAL GOURMET CUISINE & AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES

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If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

PASCUAL’S PLAYA COSTAMBAR
Specializing in Live Lobsters & Seafood
EVERY THURSDAY Romantic Night with Live Guitar Music by the duo Los Reyes EVERY SATURDAY Karaoke & BBQ Open Daily For Parties, Events & Reservations Call 829-434-9404/829-464-4071/829-637-6487

CHRIS & MADY’S
Playa Cofresi
JOIN US THIS MONTH FOR 4TH OF JULY CELEBRATIONS & THE OLYMPICS!!

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Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: --- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. --- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." --- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. --- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. --- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. --- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. --- Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. --- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. --- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. --- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. --- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. --- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy." --- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. --- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow. --- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --- This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. --- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. --- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door. --- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. --- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH!

JUST ARRIVED!
CLEAR FIBERGLASS 7 GALLON PROPANE CYLINDER TANK 24” TALL & 12” DIAMETER
Always know how much gas you have! Lighter than steel & rustproof!

ONLY RD$2500 CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819

NEW YACHT DELIVERY SERVICE IN LUPERON!
Need to move your boat but don’t feel like going to all that effort yourself? Well Luperon’s newest entrepreneur can help! His motto is… Let me row, row, row your boat gently cross the bay!

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SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 13
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

GIRL NAME SONGS ’S
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell a hidden message

ADIA ALISON AMANDA ANGIE BARBARA ANN BETH BILLIE JEAN BRANDY CANDIDA CARRIE ANNE CECILIA CLAIR DELILAH DELTA DAWN

DIANA ELEANOR RIGBY ELVIRA GLORIA JOANNA JOLENE KYRIE LAYLA LITTLE JEANNIE LUCILLE MAGGIE MAY MANDY MICHELLE

MY SHARONA NIKITA OH SHERRIE PEGGY SUE RHIANNON ROSANNA ROXANNE RUBY TUESDAY SARA SHERRY SUSIE Q SUZANNE SWEET CAROLINE

Across 1. Vague 5. Pass through 6. Stir up 7. Storm Down 1. Pariah 2. Sports structure 3. Steal the show 4. Adjure

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12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49

CNN FOX ABC NBC CBS KIDS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO SPORT BOOMERANG

51 56 57 64 66

CINE SPEED

CANAL

ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD 69 DISCOVERY

70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85

WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE

Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy

809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607

FUNNY MERGERS 1. XEROX and WURLITZER (They're going to make reproductive organs) 2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS (The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild) 3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS, and KEEBLER (The new company will be called Poly-WarnerCracker) 4. W.R. GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS (The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace) 5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good) 6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi) 7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO, and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home) 8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE, and METAL MINING (Mine All Mine) 9. 3M, JC PENNEY, and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA COMPANY (3 Penney Opera) 10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants) 11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN (The new company will be called Knott Now) 12. ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO, and DAKOTA MINING (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da) 13. NETSCAPE and YAHOO (Net n' Yahoo)

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Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that, by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

BEGINNER

INTERMEDIA TE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

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RD$955 Includes Dental RD$1190 with Drugs

Big Lee’s Beach Bar, Puerto Plata 5pm Bieke’s Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr 1-809-885-2155

Massage: Relax, Reduction, Deep Tissue, Facial Massage, Reflexology, Acupressure, & Hot Stone Physical Therapy, Paraffin Treatment & Lymphatic Drainage Manicure & Pedicure: Regular & Intensive Braids & Hair Extensions & Mens Haircuts Facials, Waxing , Peeling, Hydration & Nurse Services Natural Health & Beauty Products
ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIALS. Open Mon-Sat from 9:00am / Sundays by appointment Service to the home. Transportation available. #14 Penon St, Costambar Tel: 809-970-7522 Cell: 809-993-2944

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

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Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day and hears music and through a crack in the door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Harris. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow dance and gently slides off first the right rubber boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers . Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his chest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. “What on earth are you doing Ole?” says Sven. “Vel, ye know Sven, ye frightened the livin’ crap out of me” says an obviously embarrassed Ole, '’but me and the Lena been having some troubles lately in the bedroom department, and the Psychiatrist asked I do something sexy to a tractor."

Lifestyle Holidays Vacation Club is now recruiting staff for the Customer Service Department. The office is located at Playa Cofresi, Puerto Plata. Spoken and written English are essential and computer skills (Microsoft Office suite & Outlook) are considered an asset. Competitive salary and benefits. General Purpose Answering incoming calls from customers, answering enquiries and questions, troubleshoot problems and provide information. Main Job Tasks and Responsibilities Answer calls professionally Respond to customer enquiries Reasearch required information using available rescources Handle and resolve customer complaints Provide customers with product and service information Enter customer information and data (knowledge and use of Microsoft Outlook beneficial, training can be provided) Benefits Include Transportation (From Puerto Plata and vicinity) Meal Provided Health Care Plan (after qualifying period) Opportunity for performance related bonus Please send your resume via email to customerservice@lifestyleholidaysvc.com We appreciate your interest, however only those candidates selected for an interview will be contacted.

An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man say "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.

Costambar Monthly page 15

DO YOU NEED A GOOD MECHANIC?
Call Ito
829-563-1878 or 829-540-6622 (for English 809-464-7898)
SERVICE DONE AT YOUR HOME! ALL GENERAL REPAIRS & MAINTENANCE!
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny I'm homesick."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys as she was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted. SOUND RENTAL

Karaoke Tropical
For Any Event Of Your Choice With Animation in English, Spanish, German and French Lyrics in 7 Languages International Music, Videos and DVDs

809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.com

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VIVERO!!!
Open to the Public
All ypes of T Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants Landscaping & Garden Maintenance Services Available BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm And By Appointment

PLANT

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F" He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answer ed, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-duuhhh.

Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041
Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert (In front of PARADA DINAMICA) “Just past the fish places”

Costambar Monthly page 17

Apartments for Rent Special Offers Available For Long Term Rentals! Just ask Max! Office 809-970-7312 Cell 809-251-8679 Visit our website www.villasfelipe.com

Maximilian’s
BEACH BAR
First Casetta at Long Beach Malecon, Puerto Plata, R.D. Cell: 809-251-8679 Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

DRINKING TRADITIONS An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

FOR RENT
1 bedroom condo Unfurnished RD$10,000 + electricity & gas. Internet & satellite available. Great view overlooking the harbor. Secure compound

More Info 809-543-0728 www.grundie.com/condo or alex@grundie.com

Costambar Monthly page 18 LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBAR’S FLEA MARKET AT THE CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! FREE TO VENDORS!! Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820 PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.

CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE 33foot sailboat, Glander Tavana class yawl, good condition/ minor work needed, less than 1500 hours on new 20 horse Kuboto engine and trans. A MUST SEE! Located in Luperon bay. Call Sean @ (809) 782-2534. FOR SALE New 24' Custom Panga Center Console 85hp Yamaha, 15hp Yamaha Proven Offshore Boat $26,000US 809-707-9036 WANTED Quad, for in and around Costambar, anything considered. Email: bobyk@libello.com Tel: 809 639 9393 FOR SALE CAR: Toyota 4Runner '90 3.0 V6 Very good condition, clear papers! Perhaps rent this car. Best price on North coast! email:mrdudigabi@gmail.com FOR SALE Ford F-150 V-8 4.6l runs on gasoline but has gas installed, year '98, engine 2007, very well taken care of by owner!! Also known as "the big yellow monster" $13,000usd obo!! Call Vik 829 864 9420 FOR SALE Large white stove GE Model XL44 propane stove, 4 burners, large oven & broiler function RD6,000. 500pc Poker Game Set. 500 11.5gram poker chips (3 rolls un-opened), 2 decks of playing cards (1 un-opened), 5 red dice (un-opened), dealer chip all housed in a strong, lockable aluminium case RD5,000. In Costambar, call Mark 829-712-8189 WANTED "Karaoke business looking for an assistant with experiences as a DJ. Dominican welcome! for contacts call 809 988 1322 after 2.30 PM." FOR SALE 1980 Pearson 365 Sloop. Great cruising boat, Westerbeke 40hp, refrigerator, good sails. Priced to sell. US$24,900. Call 829-338-3188 FOR SALE 2 Tires almost new 215/60/16. Sell $4,500 RD and Inverter 1 and 1/2 kilos, good for 4 batteries. Sell $4,000. Contact: 829-324-3204 FOR SALE SCOOTER:PGO T-REX 110ccm, year 2001, blue,new battery and start system, new tires. Price 500USD asks for pics email:mrdudigabi@gmail.com

WANTED A person that understands English and the internet to work with me to set up account on ebay, take photos of products and put them on ebay. Contact eortung@yahoo.com or 809-386-5506

FREE TO A GOOD HOME
Maity is a 6 year old female who has been fixed and has recent shots. Really sweet, well-behaved dog. Needs a home with lots of love but has lots of love to give! Call 809-988-1322 afternoons or evenings FOR SALE Car: Mitsubishi L200, diesel, year 2005, 76,000 km, incl. Full insurance till April 2012, very good conditions, German maintained, new rear brakes, trailer coupling, and much more Motorcycle YAMAHA SEROW 225ccm,TRIAL, German maintained, looks like new! Open fishing motorboat, 22 feet, year 2010, Tohatsu 40 horsepower and Tohatsu 9.8 horsepower, specialize for big game fishing! Call for prices: 849 886 1266 Located in Luperon FOR SALE 65 watt Solar panels 140 USD each Email: bobyk@libello.com Tel: 809 639 9393 “

OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm Everything you need from snacks to supper! Delivery Service Available! Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) 809-970-3028

IGLESIA FILIPOS PRESBITERIANA invites you to services every Sunday at 10 A.M. Worships are in Spanish. Children activities. Before Costambar Gate Security, turn on the right side toward the power plant, 100 meters on the right side.

Costambar Monthly page 19

1975: Long hair 2012: Longing for hair 1975: KEG 2012: EKG 1975: Acid rock 2012: Acid reflux 1975: Moving to California because it's cool 2012: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2012: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Seeds and stems 2012: Roughage 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2012: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2012: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2012: Kidney Stones 1975: Being called into the principal's office 2012: Calling the principal's office 1975: Screw the system 2012: Upgrade the system 1975: Disco 2012: Costco 1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2012: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975: Passing the drivers' test 2012: Passing the vision test 1975: Whatever 2012: Depends

WEST COSTAMBAR LAND FOR SALE

One lot from beachfront at the end of Calle Guarionex beside Casa Blanca bungalow. The property is on the Cofresi side of west Costambar. The land is 600 square meters with fruit and mature palm trees. The seller has been motivated to sell due to the airlines cancelling of direct flights from Western Canada. ASKING PRICE OF US$41,750 OFFERS CONSIDERED

There is a full set of architect plans for a modest beach house available for an extra fee. Legal title is on file. Please contact Colin in Costambar @ 809-449-1819 Or Ted Hughes / owner @ tedofchi@shaw.ca

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"Safest Return on Investment on The Planet!"
"AMERICAN LIFE SETTLEMENT SOCIETY" & "FORUM NATIONAL INVESTMENTS" (OTC: BB - FMNL) A PUBLICLY TRADED COMPANY! www.foruminvestments.com DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY IN FOOLISH INVESTMENTS - JOIN ME FOR ADVICE ON A SAFE INVESTMENT WITH A OVERWHELMING ROI ON INVESTMENTS BACKED BY AMERICAN FDIC SECURED FUNDS! WWW.WALL-STREET.COM ~ FOLLOW ~ WWW.SMALLCAPSNEWS.COM
Forum Announces That It Has "SOLD OUT" Its First "$9,000,000 USD Convertible Securitized Life Settlement Backed Bond" VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA -- (Marketwire) -- 06/25/12 -- Forum National Investments Ltd. (OTCBB: FMNL) ("FORUM") announced today that it has successfully "SOLD OUT" Its first Canadian Financial product securitized by senior US life settlements "an industry first". FORUM was oversubscribed and will put a number of potential investors on a waiting list for the next $10,000,000 Bond Offering presently scheduled for August 2012. Though this initial offering was targeted at primarily Accredited investors Forum is currently completing a full Offering Memorandum which will allow for the average retail investor to participate with an initial minimum investment as little as $10,000 CDN. The product is targeted for retail investors that are seeking to diversify their conventional investment portfolio with an alternative investment that is uncorrelated to the traditional stock market fluctuations and other economic downturns. FORUM is utilizing Life Settlements as the back bone for the securitization and performance of the Bonds. The bonds performance is directly related to one factor only, the maturity and payment of the death benefit by a minimum "AA" rated carrier's life Insurance policy which secures the bond. The product has at least two life insurance policies with two insurer's securing each bond issuance. In the case of the first bond issuance the insured are 83 and 85 years of age. The first bond offering was for $9,000,000 USD in death benefits and was sold at a minimum 85% discount to face value of the Death benefits. "The use of a Life Settlement to provide the underlying security for a retail bond has always been an interesting possibility and now it is a reality". "In fact I have purchased one unit of this initial offering for my personal investment portfolio," stated Dan Clozza CEO. "Given the economic uncertainty in Europe and around the world coupled with little to no return on traditional investments the introduction of this type of financial product at this time has been well received". The product is completely based in USD and should provide an above average return to investors with a potential hedge against the USD for those seeking that feature. We believe that we have removed all of the typical pitfalls to investing in this asset class. An investors in FORUM'S bonds will have the added option to convert their whole investment at any time right up to and including the full payout amount at the time of maturity to common shares in FORUM at a currently stated 10% discount to market based on a weighted five day average market trading price of the securities. A typical Life Settlement investment IRR's are high single digits annualized, but mid teen returns are a very real possibility. In fact windfall profits can occur if maturities come early as they did in 2008 for FORUM who had purchased a $5,000,000 USD Life Insurance policy on a 78 year old insured with a life expectancy of approximately eight years which subsequently matured in nine months. It is impossible to determine the exact return on any one individual life or bond offering with any degree of accuracy; it is simply a wait and see investment.

WWW.THEALSS.COM ~ FOLLOW ~ WWW.FORUMINVESTMENTS.COM RETIRE WITH GUARANTEED INVESTMENTS IN THE CARIBBEANS! CONTACT! Michael Imbery mikeimbery@gmail.com (516) 515.6893 Long Beach, New York Local Contact in Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic, Call (829) 525.7368