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Part 1: Life before Girlfriend A best friend once looked at me from across a table in a café around two o’clock in the morning. He took a drag from his cigarette, - Djarum Cherries, he loved to smoke Djarum. Classy guy, really fucking smart too- held it for a second, and blew out the smoke. Whenever he did that you knew he was about to say something really enlightening, something that you should remember, something amazing. This is one of those guys that there is only one of in the world. His top three musical groups are the Steve Miller band, Flogging Molly, and Queen. So here we were, he looked at me, and this is what he said. “Hey dude.” “What?” He flicked the end of the cigarette into the ashtray. “You know how you can tell if you really love somebody?” “How?” “You know you love somebody when you can wake up next to them in the morning. When you look over at them while they sleep, and that’s the only person who you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life. You’re not thinking of anything else, or anybody else. You’re just content for that one moment, and that moment will last forever. That’s love.” I thought about this for a moment. Then it dawned on me, it was one of the truest comments I had ever heard. “Fuckin a’ man. Fuckin a.” So I was a popular kid in High School. Not the most popular, just one of the kids who everybody knew. Truth to tell, I was really well liked in High School. I think this was due to the fact that I might have had a sense of identity. Who knows? I have found out that other people are attracted to people who have a sense who they are. They don’t need to know where they are going in life, they just need to know or have a feeling who they are. For the first three years of High School I was one of the last people who knew who I was. Hell, just look at my club and after school record, not to mention how I dressed. Freshman year; Student government, swim team, robotics club, International Batcheloritte, dressed like a Goth and considered a juggalo. Sophomore year; nothing for the first half, Drama club, still dressed like a Goth, IB program, hung out with the losers every day after school for three hours at a time. Junior year; Drama doobie, lost my sense of how to dress and tried to fit in. One day I was dressed all in black, the next I came in with Nike shoes, straight jeans, a belt, a tucked in yellow shirt and my hair was cut. I think I was asked if I was a new kid like fifty times that day. People who had never talked to me before, (the jocks- who I really like now but might have disliked back then) were coming up to me in waves. Shallow bastards. Everything changed for me after junior year. At the end of it I became drama club president for senior year. I received this news as I was going out for football. I guess this was a good thing.
Nathan Miller After junior year I met some of the best friends of my life. These two are the ones who have influenced my life the most and, although they don’t know it, they basically raised me and taught me the ropes for college. I was seventeen; they were twenty-two and twenty- three. A friend dragged me off to a party, I walked in, and this is what happened: I walk in. Some five foot eight or nine dude with stringy hair runs up to me with this grin on his face. “Hey man wazzzup!!!” “Hi, how’s it going?” “Fuckin aawwwwesome. Hey can I make you a drink?” Now any seventeen year old who shows up at a party, college party at that, and gets offered a drink by some twenty something year old is going to be flattered and charmed instantly. This happened to me. “Heck yeah! By the way, my name’s Nate.” “Hey Nate. Name’s Nick. I live here…” And that’s basically how Nick and I met. Later on at the party everyone found out that I was only seventeen. Turns out that I am the coolest seventeen year old that they’ve ever met. Like I said, it’s flattering. So from then on I was taken in by Nick and Chal (another owner of the house, Nick’s best friend, and one of my greatest buds), and taught the ropes. I went through my senior year of High School with both of them at my side and I grew up faster then anyone else I know because of it. They are the greatest friends to have and I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have them here… Wavelength; 1. The process involving the time stretch and beats in sound to produce a pattern of sounds that can be measured in beats and tempo. 2. The thread of life invisible to the human eye but known by the heart that can connect or separate people. 3. The concept of love. I have only met a select few of the opposite sex who connected with my wavelength. Probably because I am different, or I’d like to think so. They are all beautiful, smart, and the loveliest girls that I have ever met in my life, and I have lost them all. Falling in love is the greatest thing that a person can ever know, period. The saying “It is better to have Loved and Lost, than to never have loved at all” is the truest statement in the history of human existence. I know. I’ve fallen in love three times. I’ve lost all three. Maybe it’s because I can be a right bastard at times, maybe it’s just the Fates fucking with me. Either case, I am the better because of it. “WHAT THE HELL??? YOU WERE JUST GOING TO FUCKIN’ LEAVE ME THERE! Goddamn it. You knew that you were my ride! What the hell were you thinking?” “Well if you would have fucking talked to me instead of dicking around with your friend, then this wouldn’t have happened.” We’re in the middle of our first relationship fight with our first girlfriend. I’m fourteen. She was PMSing (truthfully) and had walked out on me after we were hanging out for about two hours at a friend’s house. Unfortunately she thought I wasn’t talking to her enough so she called her parents, who were supposed to take me home, and asked
Nathan Miller them to come pick her up. Then she walked out the door as I was still in conversation with a friend, got into her car with her mother, and they drove off. I had to run for about three blocks until I caught up with them. She had told her mom that I had found a different ride home. Shit. “I did try and talk to you; you were too busy moping to talk to. So I talked to someone else.” “You didn’t pay attention to me.” “I did too! You wouldn’t let me though. So I said screw it and talked with someone else.” “Whatever. God, you can be so mean sometimes.” I broke up with her a week later over the phone from my best friend’s (at the time) house. I was more comfortable doing it when I had support around. She cried her eyes out for two months. When I was a sophomore in High School I was sent on a semi-religious retreat to Washington D.C. While there I met a girl. Truthfully I wasn’t going after her when we met; I was going after her friend. How we ended up stuck together was due to the circumstances of the occasion. We were in the Holocaust museum and we had lost her friend, so we decided to walk together through the whole place. If you’ve never been there, I recommend never going through it alone. It was such an emotional experience that it ended up drawing us together after we made it through. I think we ended up talking on the phone for five hours that night. Her favorite movie at the time was Moulin Rouge. I had never seen it. I have seen it now. Heartbreaking. We flew back home from D.C. and stayed in touch. After D.C. though, I was pretty messed up. Hardcore depression or life six feet under and still walking was what I was going through. Some of the best poetry I have ever written came out of that time. I looked like shit for a week though. I’d be walking down the halls of my High School, looking like hell, and crying my heart out because I missed the feeling of companionship that I had felt during the trip. We still stayed in touch. She lived in Washington State. Even at that distance I couldn’t help becoming infatuated with her. She was amazing. One of those people who has the greatest smile in the entire world. Kind of like Nick’s smile. When she smiled, she smiled with her entire being. That smile could lift a spirit to heaven. She was heaven with a heart of gold. Beauty in the form of a human. A musical voice to match, too. Three months later, after staying in touch with her and talking every day, my parents sent me out to Seattle to visit her. Those three days were some of the greatest days of my life. They were the first real experience I had away from my parents. I loved it. I saw all of Seattle during one of their many festivals. So much life. Such energy! Amazing. I flew home after those three days truly a changed person. I had a little more experience under my belt and I was ready to face the world and live my life to the fullest. The only problem was that she stayed behind. Left to the past like a slowly fading dream, we fell out of touch. I don’t know what happened to her after that. I still remember that smile though. Beautiful.
Nathan Miller The third girl that I have fallen in love with. The most wonderful of the three. He came back from the bathroom, opened the door, and found his best friend in the whole world lying where she had been sitting just five minutes before. It was in the dorm rooms at their college. The room was tiny, crammed with two beds taking up the majority of the small space that they inhabited. The posters on the wall were of his favorite movies. Most had great warriors that inspired his soul and made him want to be stronger. They made him stronger. Others had fantasy characters on them. Inspiration for his inner child. When he had left the room she was still awake. He became slightly alarmed because he knew that she usually took a little while to fall asleep. “Krista? Krista are you ok?” She wasn’t moving. “Krista…?” He became alarmed. Krista’s breath was shallow and rapid. Something was wrong. It is at this point that a person’s heart stops, if but only for a second. In this moment a great fear tears through your being and the world ceases to be ok. Everything shatters. He ran up to her. “Krista! Krista wake up. Oh shit, oh shit… SOMEBODY HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! Oh god. Krista. KRISTA!!!...” Anybody ever have those times when you can’t sleep, but you also can’t be awake. You know. The times when clarity of thought is practically nonexistent. The times where you’re just alive but not living. I have these times. Unfortunately they are occurring more and more as my life progresses. The bad thing about this is that I just found out that this happens to the majority of the human race. So this means that not only are we walking around, acting like we don’t have a clue, we are also just taking up space. On the good side, I found out that it is ok to be part of the whole of humanity. A few weeks ago, I was in a room with a few of my friends, and I was bitching about how many of us are out there acting like sheep. I was claiming that I, along with the few others in the room, were true individuals, and that we were above the rest of humanity because we were true individuals… “So we’re better. We’re cooler. We’re the misunderstood. And all of the people out there that go with the flow are sheep, man. Fucking sheep. They all have the same thoughts, they all act the same, they dress the same, look the same and they are all just as stupid as each other.” He looked up at me, got this glazed over look in his eyes, and spoke. “You’re a fucking arrogant bastard you know that.” Proudly, “Hell yeah man. Proud of it too.” “Well you fucking shouldn’t be. While you’re proclaiming your greatness to the world, somebody’s out there making a difference. You’re only out there for yourself aren’t you?” “Sometimes dude. I’ll help out my friends when they need it. Screw the rest man. If I don’t know them then why should I care?” (It’s kind of stupid of me to say this because I’m the kind of person who would walk up to some person and try to help them if they were crying on a bench on the street or something. It’s happened before.)
Nathan Miller “Well you should fucking care because you are an individual. There are so many fuckers out there who bash society and say that everyone sucks and they say that more people need to wake up. Screw that and screw you man. The only way to better society is to become part of the so called ‘sheep’ and try directing their thoughts. If you’re not part of the whole then you’re part of the fucking problem man. Jesus Christ, sometimes people are so fucking stupid. And I’m talking about you if you didn’t get that.” He was right. I don’t give people or the whole of society enough credit. For some reason I think that it’s me that needs to change and not society or people. “Hi.” I whispered as I stared into the eyes of an angel. She smiled and stared back into my heart. “Hi.” We were lying in her bed in her apartment. The night before I had dropped seventy dollars on hard liquor and wine coolers. A bunch of friends came over and we all proceeded to get blitzed. Go college. Both of us were probably still a little drunk. We were happy though. Silence followed that ‘hi’. The kind of good silence that doesn’t come too often. Another moment that will last forever. I reached out and pulled her in close. She snuggled into the crook of my arm. We cuddled. “Sleepy.” She said in that whiny girl voice that they use only when slightly mocking you. “Yeah.”, I replied with my own version of the whiny voice. Then we fell back asleep. So I’m addicted to Disney. Not just Disney, the entirety of the whole Disney concept. People keep thinking that the Disney Corporation is out to take over the entire world. Truthfully, this is a good thing. My response is, have people ever been to Disney World, or watched Disney movies? What happens when you do? You feel good. Disney is a corporation that is designed to make people feel good. Yeah they make a lot of money in the process but so what. Whoever said that money never buys happiness was dead wrong. Maybe it can’t buy you complete happiness, but it sure as hell can get you most of the way there. And most of the way is a good place to be. Also people who usually like Disney are successful people. Those who surround themselves with successful people, aspire to be successful themselves. Oh yeah, Moulan is my favorite animated Disney movie and The Princess Diaries is my favorite real people Disney Movie. It felt like it took forever for the paramedics to arrive. Somebody had heard him shouting and called his Resident Assistant for help. She saw what was happening and had called the rescue team for help. It took them four minutes to arrive. In that four minutes a lifetime had passed for Krista’s best friend. He felt so helpless. His only thoughts were those of his friend who lay limp in his arms. She was fading, he could feel it, and it was breaking him.
Nathan Miller He managed to get his RA to grab his friend’s legs and they carried her down to the lobby. By this time the other RA’s had heard what was going on and they were doing crowd control. He held onto her the entire time. When the stretcher came in he lifted her up and put her limp body into it. The paramedics started to check her as they rushed her to the ambulance. He followed… When 2 people meet, for the very first time, a connection happens. Whether it is 2 people of the same sex or 2 people of the opposite sex, the connection is there. It’s like, as someone once put it, looking into a mirror for the soul. When this little spark of connection happens, many things can occur. Sometimes nothing will happen. Other times, people will just know that they won’t get along. Other times they know they will. People can know that they will hate, be friends, be enemies, and numerous other things from that first look into another’s eyes. This ability to look at another and see into them is a very special thing. It is a gift. The most special thing this gift can be used for is for the times when you look across a room and you gaze into another’s eyes, and you find them gazing back. When the spark happens and then you know, you just know that they are beautiful. This is love, and it is the most comforting thing in the entire world. I had one of the most sane people in the entire world tell me that she cried at least four times a week today. She has the greatest boyfriend in the entire world, people to look out for her, great friends, a good family, a place to live, a job, and she’s doing great in college. She cries her heart out at least four times a week. God that makes me feel normal. It makes me feel human. Anybody else sing in the car while they drive? I do. I sing my heart out. I sing and I sing and I sing and when the ride’s over I’m a little happier. Heh. You know, some of my favorite (not my favorite but close) songs are the more depressing ones. They get you to feel a little bit regardless of what mood you are in. You can relate to whatever the person’s singing about. It’s just nice. Hey you know what would be even nicer? Going out and driving to some nice jazz music during a sunrise. Or even better would be to drive off into some sunset with a few of your best friends in the backseat, and your girlfriend or boyfriend in the seat next to you. Wow. That would be great. The sky cascading like a painting from God himself. Such beautiful paintings. With the colors so intense, you can’t help but feel good when you see them. They let him sit by her side and hold the hand that didn’t have the IV in it. The ambulance flew swiftly towards salvation. The paramedics had no idea what was going on with Krista. There isn’t much that they can do for you when they don’t know what’s wrong. Krista’s eyes would flutter open and closed as they rounded the corners of turns. At one point she vomited whatever was in the contents of her stomach all over herself and the ambulance. He thanked God for a sign of life.
Nathan Miller The ambulance took seven minutes to make it to the hospital. Seven minutes of him holding her hand. Seven minutes of every thought directed to a person’s wellbeing. Seven minutes of a worry that can only come when a person truly loves another. The paramedics got her out of the ambulance and into the hands of many waiting Emergency Room doctors and nurses. He couldn’t follow her in; he had already answered all of the questions that he could about her condition. He watched as they wheeled her down the white hallway and through two blue doors. Then she disappeared from sight. It was at this point that the emotions poured out of him like water. He screamed in pain… “You’re such a dork.” He exclaimed. “Hey this dork is the person that you’re dating. So watch it. You just might catch it. It’s contagious.” She snapped back at him playfully. She was in the kitchen, twirling around and making breakfast. He sat there, watching her from his spectator position at the dining table. “You’re doing it again.” “What?” “You’re beaming at me.” “Yeah.” “Just making an observation.” Her skinny frame twirled around again. She was wearing a tank top and shorts. Her hair was red and short. Her eyes hazel, green on the outside, then blue, then streaks of red toward the center. She stood at about five feet, six inches on bare feet. Her skin was white, almost pale, and very fair. “Wow.” “What?” “You. Wow.” ‘What? Oh you like my spinning?” “You’re beautiful.” So I’ve figured out that we spend most of our lives in transition. Always trying to get somewhere. We start off in preschool waiting for kindergarten. We go into kindergarten waiting for first grade. Grade school to middle school, middle school to high school, high school to college, college to grad school, grad school to a job, job to death. Always in transition. The only time that I haven’t felt like I was in transition was when I had a girlfriend. These were the times that I felt like I was actually just alive in the moment. The times that I spent sharing with someone else, someone who understood. It was good. It was fun. But don’t get me wrong, being in transition isn’t all that bad. At least we can feel like we’re going somewhere. The thing that we need to figure out is; are we really going anywhere? Humans are so high matenience. That’s why relationships are so difficult. That’s why life is so difficult. We need a lot of care, outside and inside, to survive. If we don’t take care, we tend to waste away and become empty husks, only slightly showing any signs of life. This is why it’s great to be alive. If life were so easy, what would be the point?
Nathan Miller “All I’m saying is that Bigfoot could exist.” –Me “Hell no. If Bigfoot existed we would’ve found him by now.” -Chal “Aaw come on dude. There’s a slight chance he could exist. We just probably haven’t found him yet.” –Nick This is a conversation that happened right around the time that I turned eighteen. We were over at Nick and Chal’s and we were all drunk. The rest of the party had passed out around two o’clock in the morning. At this point the sun was coming up and we had been arguing about the topic of Bigfoot’s existence since everyone else konked out. Our friend Smith usually would have been out here with us but he had been taking care of some little petite thing who horked her guts out around one. He was inside passed out next to her. “Hell no man. Technology today is so advanced. We totally would have found him. No questions.” “No way Chal. If technology were so advanced, we totally would have found the ark, Noah’s ark, and every other religious relic that’s out there. We’re still looking for them.” “That’s because they’re not biological. Anything biological that we were looking for would have been found by now. No question.” This conversation was like most of our other drunken conversations. Deep, but stupid. “Whatever, Chal. Bigfoot could totally exist.” It was at this point that the conversation turned kind of funny. Only in retrospect though. “Shut up! You guys shut up. If you guys don’t listen to me, I’ll knock Nate out.” You see, Challon knew that he couldn’t knock Nick out, or even hurt Nick. Nick’s a pretty big badass. So the next thing that drunken Chal thought of was ‘Hey there’s Nate. Nate’s small. I can probably take him out no problem.’ This was true, unfortunately for me. Challon charged, Nick bumped into him, and then it happened. He wrapped his arms around my waist, tried to lift me up, and instead of picking me up like a rag doll and throwing me, he collapsed. All of a sudden my bony little ass is trying to hold up a hundred and seventy pounds worth of drunken Chal. I almost collapsed. Nick managed to get over in time to save me. He picked Chal up off me and stood him upright. “Think it’s time to go to bed Chal?” Challon got this dorky grin on his face. “Yeah. Bed sounds good.” And then he trotted off to bed. Like I said, I think it was funny as hell… In retrospect. He sat there holding his head in his hands. She had been away from him for three hours now. No word yet either. Two of their best friends had shown up after they found out what had happened. They were all there in the waiting room, hoping that their friend was still alive. Her parents had been contacted after their number was found in her cell phone. They were on their way. He was in a zombie like state at this point, just staring at the clock, watching the seconds slowly slip by. Tick, tick, tick. It was torture. Pure and to the fullest torture. His
Nathan Miller guts felt like somebody had taken a bat to them. Emotionally he was so messed up. So very messed up that he seemed gone. The doctors who were around were starting to get worried about him. His only thoughts were of Krista and the day before. Everything had been perfect. Life had been so right. Now it was a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. As he sat there, thinking, a poem that he once wrote came to mind. Angel watching over me, Mine eyes for which they weep, Take care of friends and enemies, If predetermined I sleep. Watch and Love them as I have, Throughout the days and nights. Make sure that they be happy and glad, If I have gone to light. He prayed. He prayed to the angel of his poem, he prayed to the vengeful God of the past, he prayed to heaven and all that is that she would be ok. That she would live. He prayed and waited. Do you think about death ever? I do. Death is. It is something that will happen to us all, something that we cannot change. But I learned something. Where I learned it from is kind of interesting, considering the fact that most of the population considers this source to be shit. I learned this from a comic book. I quote, “Death is not your god damn friend! You don’t accept death. Death is the bastard fucker of a world gone mad. You hate death. You despise death. You try your goddamn hardest to beat it back, whatever the cost. You fight it with all your being and then when there isn’t anything left, you still fight the bastard. You don’t let it take you away from the world where there are things that you love. People who care for you still are here and they have to deal with your demise you goddamn fucker. Never accept death. Never.” The character that said this proceeded to beat the shit out of the clueless twenty year old who had almost accepted death because he had gone to war. A few of his friends had died and he accepted that death just happens. This isn’t true. Death does not just happen. By the way the kid in the comic ended up getting killed, but only after he fought with all of his heart to stay alive. I have some of my best friends in the United States Military right now. I hope to God they all make it out of Iraq alive, because most of them are going. I support the war fully. I just don’t want them to die. They know the risks. I have this funny little fantasy that when my friends and I are around forty, we’ll all be at one of my barbecues in the backyard of my house, standing around the grill. Our wives are chatting away at the table and our children are running around with squirt guns and the hose. It’s a nice sunny day. The flowers are blooming. Our lives are good. All of my friends are there. I just want this to come true one day. I don’t know if I want to join the military. Most of my friends my age do or did. I think it’s admirable that they do. They put their life on the line for our country. How can I be mad at them for doing this?
Nathan Miller I also don’t know if the military will take me. You see I was born with a heart murmur. That heart murmur turned into an extra membrane in my left aortic valve (that’s an extra piece of muscle in one of my valves). We watched it from birth. Every year, twice a year I used to go to my heart checker and I got to see my heart. I would get an echocardiogram and I was able to hear my heart. It sounded so cool. I used to go and they would let me watch a movie during it. Jurassic Park was my favorite. So one year, around the end of seventh grade, I went in to get my heart checked. After all of the normal tests my doctor turned to me and said this, “You have an extra membrane in your left aortic valve that we are going to have to operate on. It needs to come out.” I had to get open heart surgery. It took a couple of months to get confirmed, but eventually it was. We set the date for the surgery for that winter break, the winter break of my eighth grade year. I went, I had the surgery. I came out and was out of the hospital within two and a half days. Now I have this huge fucking scar that goes down the middle of my chest and three metal clips inside of me that set off the stupid airport alarms whenever I walk through them. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Truth is it’s just that I have this annoying scar that goes down my chest. I don’t know if girls dig it though. Do they? Fuck it’s a stupid saying anyway. The whole point is that I don’t know if the military will take me. I’m defective even if I’m one of the most athletic people I know. The doctor walked into the waiting room, he had that tired look on his face. You know the one where he has probably had to tell hundreds of people bad news in the span of just a few hours. He looked around, found who he was looking for, and walked up to Krista’s best friend. “Could you come with me please?” He asked. Krista’s friend looked up. It took him a second to register that he was being spoken to. “Can they come too?” He indicated Krista’s parents who had shown up about an hour before. “Yes but they will have to wait outside. It’s only one person at a time so she doesn’t get too excited. She’s asking for you.” “Ok.” She was awake. Thank God. They all stood up and walked to Krista’s room… “So America can totally take over the entire world’s oil. And therefore we can control the world.” We’re back at Nick and Chal’s again having another one of our many drunken conversations. This one’s about America and how we could totally take over the world if we wanted to. Nick was the one who opened with the comment. “Whatever dude. The world would totally unite against us if we were to do that.” “Nope. They’re too scared.” “What?” “Some dudes flew planes into three of our buildings in America. In response we bombed the shit out of one country and invaded another. Hell of a reaction if you ask me.”
Nathan Miller “Yeah.” “So all I’m saying is that we should totally just send in tanks and stuff, you know, some of our arsenal, and just park them there. Then we start pumping oil and tell everyone that if they touch our shit, we do to them what we did to Afghanistan.” Chal comes up with another idea. “Yeah or we could totally go in through the ocean. If you go a mile out to sea it’s international territory right? So we just go down a mile and drill into the side of a country. Technically we would still be in international territory. That means we could take the oil and nobody should be able to bitch at us.” “Good luck getting that to happen.” “Hi Jew.” A shaky voice said. He had been called that by almost everyone he knew. It was mostly because he was the only Jewish person that they knew. “Hey Poptop. How ya holding up?” Not too good from the looks of it. She was skinner than before, and she was a friggin twig to start off with. Her face was really pale. She looked like death had come knocking. “Not too good I think. My insides hurt like a bie’ach. The doctors won’t tell me what’s wrong.” This was bad. Whenever the doctors didn’t tell the patient what was going on it was usually bad. “Hey, you had us worried there for a little while. Do you know what happened?” “I remember you stepping out for a second, but that was about it. Pain I think. Then I woke up here.” “Yeah. We were worried. Hey your parents are here.” “Both of them?” “Yeah.” “Holly shit then it must really be bad.” Her parents had separated years ago. It took an act of God to get them to be in the same room together. Getting them together without having them arguing was like the second coming of Jesus. It just didn’t happen. “Heh. Just glad to see you awake. You’re a real fighter you know?” “Yeah.” She smiled. Then she got this weird look on her face. “Hey.” “What?” “They told me you stayed with me the whole way here. Thanks.” “Heh. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. That and somebody has to protect you from the bad things out there. Hey I’m going to go get your parents in here. Rest now. I’ll be back soon.” “K. Hey, U better get back soon. The drugs that they have me on make me feel like playing some Mario Kart.” “You wacko. Alright, I’ll be back right after I talk to the doctors.” He started walking out the door. “And I’ll work on getting us a Nintendo 64!” So I totally thought at one point in my life that I was going to die. It only lasted for about a half hour but believe me, that was enough.
Nathan Miller It happened when I was taking a friend home from a night spent in one of the many late night cafés. I was driving, we got to a road called 6th Ave, and then I looked over and something inside me went, You’re going to die on this road. Terrifying. I dropped him off at this house and we talked for a little while. He has this really nice little place that he has been living in since he was about 7. For some reason I couldn’t get out of my mind the fact that I was going to die so I brought up the subject of death. The two questions that I asked him were as follows; One- “What are the top two things that you would have wanted to do if you knew that you were going to die?”, Two“Who would you want to bring with you if you were to die and you found out that the river Styx is real along with the Boatman?” Truthfully his answers mean nothing to me personally. Just a fact. When you think you are going to die, you tend to think only of yourself and the people you truly love. So here are my answers; One- I would have wanted certain people that I love to truly know how much I care for them. I would have wanted to have found a girl who could keep up with me, challenge me, and eventually have the capacity to love me as much as I love her. Two- I would have brought eight pennies for the boatman. Two for me, two for Jess, two for Nick, and two for Shal. Then I would have waited until all of them joined me at the edge of the river and we would take the boat across together. If this sounds so fucked up to me right now, I think it’s because it’s so scary (or it really is fucked up and I just need sleep). The unknown is terrifying. I had thought the kid in me was slowly dying; now I know that he will be here with me, scared as hell, for the rest of my life. Thank God. “There’s something wrong with her. Internally. Bleeding we think but we don’t know what it is and we’re doing the best we can.” “Is she going to be alright?” “No.” Part of him fell apart from the inside with that one word. It was like standing on a carpet that gets pulled out from underneath you. Your body falls and your mind tries to grasp the concept of what is happening… He whispered, “She’s dying.” …Then you hit the floor. I live in the uber quiet suburbs of Colorado. Half an’ hour from Denver and 45 min. drive to Boulder. So pretty much in the middle of everywhere. It’s a nice place to live and probably grow up, but I can’t completely be the best source of information for this due to the fact that I’ve lived here all of my life. I have good understanding parents. They have a steady income. Great combination. I also have a little sister. She is at most times very annoying and downright bitchy. This behavior can be explained in 2 ways. 1. High School isn’t treating her well. She’s in I.B. That’s bad- read on for reasons. 2. She’s my little sister. She’s a sibling. We don’t get along at the moment. I go to College. I’m not an A student. I’m not a failing student either. I have a 2001 Ford Focus that I received from my deceased Grandmother of whom I loved dearly. Thank you Grandma. This little car used to be one of the focal points of my
Nathan Miller life. It got me everywhere I need to be and was there whenever I need it. The stereo has great sound and due to the fact that I love music, this stereo is used to excess. Currently the car is my sisters because I gave it up to her for her senior year in High School. I have a large number of friends, or rather a large variety of groups of friends. Each group of friends has its benefits and disadvantages. All of these groups are very diverse in the kinds of people they contain. Most are interesting and all are somewhat insane. These are the more fucked up people in the world but they make life interesting. I like them all. I was the president of my school’s Drama Club. The Drama Club was my life and passion. I lived for being an actor and loud and etc. I joined the Drama Club halfway through my sophomore year. This was a late time to join but it was due to the fact that I had just dropped out of I.B. In college I’m still into drama, but not as much. Now I’m a business student. I’m in it for the money and because it interests me. Those are the only reasons. I.B. (International Bacchelorate) is a program for students who are gifted and talented. I would like to think that I am both of these. I dropped out not because this program was hard and not because of the hours, literally hours, of homework per night but because of the other students. These kids are the most egotistic, self-centered, self righteous assholes that were told all of their lives that they were (and I quote) “Better than everybody else” due to their talents. They obviously believed it because of the fact that they act the way they do. I probably shouldn’t blame them for acting the way they do, but I do. I mean come on! Don’t act all elitist when you are only a group of like 150 students in a school of around 2500. Oh well though, those days are over. Good riddance and to any left in I.B. and good luck. To be in love would be wonderful, it would be passionate, it would be interesting, and time consuming, and just wondrous. Oh how I wish I could share some of this passion for my arts and my mind with someone. Just someone who could understand. Heh. It seems somewhat ironic that someone that has tons of friends, someone that is surrounded by people 24/7, someone that has every legitimate reason not to be lonely, is very lonely. Lonely is the best word to describe it, I think. Yes, lonely. I am lonely because I don’t have anyone to share myself with. Nobody on my wavelength. I wish… I wish to some distant star, that someone would come from afar, Take me off my feet and say, “Be with me for all of days”, We would go and live together, surrounded by friends forever and ever, Seasons would pass us by and by, but we would live to live, not die. Passions would keep us fulfilled for life, and we would manage through the strife, Little stars would run around, their musical laughter light and sound, But that is for the future times, not yet written in the binds, For the love of yet to come, let this life of life be done. You see this poem here. It is only some of what I hold inside. I have more, much more.
Nathan Miller It seems to me that even with all of this passion, art, energy, and uniqueness; I am missing a part of something. I am missing part of myself, part of what I should and can be. I am missing my other half. My soul mate if you must. A person is not whole without their other half. How would you define love? What would you use to define love? Ahh, I have not been remembering myself. I have already defined my version of love. My wavelength. But is my definition enough to explain to you how I feel? Each and every person has there own version of love, their own wavelength. Some people have love as a good thing, others have it as bad, others have never experienced it, and others have never cared for it. Everyone has love. I feel somewhat depressed towards the people that have a hate for love. These are usually the people who have loved before. These are the ones who have loved and lost, and are now trapped in the feeling of lost or do not want to ever feel the pain of a good thing, that may end, again. They are the ones who have made the decision to try and forget. They have made the choice to keep themselves away from love. They are sad people really. I feel a deep feeling of wrongness towards the people who believe that love is bad or evil. These are the people that are almost incapable of loving. They think that love is pathetic and that the people that are in love are doing something wrong in life. They are the cocky ones who believe that they have figured out life and that they are the only ones who understand how things should be done. These are the people who beat their “lovers” for no reason or the people who have a lover and do not care. The people who have never experienced love have something great and wondrous to go through in life. They may be alive but they have never experienced life to the fullest until they have loved. I think these people are great. I am a dreamer. The people who are in love are the ones that I envy. Love is something that can hold them together. It is something that will make them be secure about themselves and their surroundings. Love is a thing that makes them feel good about themselves. Love is theirs, forever and always, love is theirs. At times I dream of becoming a great director or movie producer. I would write a script that would be somewhat revolutionary and it would be the newest thing in all of Hollywood. I would get some of the big name actors to play the minor roles in the story and I would grab some of my friends and have them play the lead roles. All of them would put on the best performance of their lives. When the movie that I have made went to the theaters people would flock in the millions to go and see it. They would talk about it for years to come. Eventually it would be in everybody’s home on their movie shelves. Fifteen years later it would become a cult classic for the new generations. Its merchandise would be sold at Hot Topic locations all over the world. In the end I would be a famous director turned actor and would be comfortably living in Rich Person Land. At times I dream of becoming a great pop idol in the music industry. I would love to be in the music industry. Almost any part of it.
Nathan Miller I would be a lead singer in an alternative band. When I am on stage, the crowd would be in ecstasy listening to my every word. The crowd would jump when the bigger beats came on, they would hold up their lighters when the softer songs played, they would scream for an encore as we walked off the stage smiling with the knowledge that they were there for us. At times I dream a lot. He stood outside her door for two hours, waiting for her parents to come out. He felt so empty inside. Krista, his Krista, was dying. She had a few hours to live and the doctors couldn’t do anything. She had always been there for him. He couldn’t picture the rest of his life without her. He closed his eyes and there she was, always there, always part of something he was doing. There were kids and she was there, friends and she was there, life and she was there, always there. The concept that she wouldn’t be there was so alien, so foreign, so painful. Two hours of his life and the knowledge that the person who he cared the most for, in the entire world, was going to die. She was going to die. Her parents came out and he walked into the room. You know what, I totally love music. In fact I think I’m a music junkie. Not the greatest thing in the world, or the most impressive quality, but it does work out in the long run. Currently my music library is growing at an ever expanding rate; I just can’t keep up with it. There are hundreds of songs that I have that I haven’t ever listened to. I go through my friend’s music collections and borrow their cd’s, then I take them and put all of them onto my computer. Fun stuff huh. The downside to this, though, is the fact that I’m always plugged in. There is always a pair of headphones on my head, wherever I go. My teachers all comment on this after a few weeks. You know it’s getting bad when I can tell you that I didn’t bring my cd player to high school only fourteen days out of the four years that I went there. The rest of the time I was jacked in. Also I think that I listen to music an average of about three hours a day. This amount accumulates over time. I think I went through about seven cd players in high school before I found one that would actually last. I pound the hell out of them. Out of all of the music that I listen to I do have to say that I love 80’s music the best. Don’t know why, that’s just the way it is. Maybe it’s the synthesized keyboard that all of the bands used, it could even be the fact that everything sounded upbeat. Dunno. An Irish Catholic Jew. That’s what I am. For the longest time I thought there was only one of me. A walking contradiction, God’s little private joke, unique. Turns out that there is another one of me out there, creepy thing is his name is Nate too. Both of our mothers converted after marrying our dad’s. They both converted a little after we were born too (a little after being within two days). Freaks me out a little. I think that he’s my evil twin or something. Basically he’s me with red hair. He does drugs though. I don’t. That’s the only reason he’s evil.
Nathan Miller Part 1: So I recently went through this very interesting period of my life. Heh, it’s somewhat of a story in itself and I could probably write a whole book on it now. I’ll give you all the short version, which is going to seem long. Ok. I took Bartending College over the summer after my senior year. (You only have to be 18 to be a bartender in Colorado.) While at Bartending College I decided to do the one week course, which was a bad idea, cause it kicked my ass. Halfway through I had a near nervous breakdown and decided that I needed to do the two week course. That’s when I started to slack off and I kind of stopped studying. Oops. The result of this was me having to take the final test to get out of bartending for three weeks in a row till I passed with a 90% or better. Well, I went to the test for the third time. While there, there was a cute girl who seemed to be about my age. I was interested, being one of those guys who sees a girl and instantly wants to find out if she was datable, so I decided to do the idle chat thing. I sat down at her table and we started talking. She’s 5’6” with blond hair and a gorgeous figure. Very skinny but she loves food. Wears contacts or glasses with a red frame. Green eyes with a little red towards the center, very deep. Wears very nice clothes. She takes care of herself. She has long legs and she usually wears either converse or flip flops. The idle chat thing worked out great. I am an extrovert and so was she! We talked about anything and everything. Turns out that she was going to be a junior in college at the college that I was going to go to. She’s studying to be an actress. We hit it off and exchanged numbers. She did her test and passed, and then I did my test and passed. We said we would call each other and then parted. I called her once and found out she had a boyfriend. Lost interest and didn’t call again. “Hey kid.” He said softly. “Jew!” she returned. Her exclamation brought a smile to his face, though a sad one. Her smile was so bright. He couldn’t help but smile back. It hurts to smile when you’re sad because it seems so ironic. He noticed that her eyes were puffy and red. She had been crying. “How you holding up?” “Not too bad… Not to good either from what I hear.” “So you know then…?” She started to tear up again. “Yeah, the doctors told me while my parents were in here.” “Shitty...” “Yeah.” They both sobbed and he ran to her side. He hugged her and they cried for a while. “So…” he said. “So.” “I don’t know what to say.” “Me neither. I’m scared though.” “Yeah me too. Are you in pain?”
Nathan Miller “Not really.” “That’s good.” “How long?” “How long what?” “How long have I been here?” “Oh, just for a few hours. I mean the doc…” “Not here silly.” She pointed to his heart. “Here.” Krista died at 7:42 A.M. after fighting death for multiple days. Her friend and one love watched from a distance and listened as the rhythm of her heartbeat went from a steady beat to an erratic one, and finally a continuous line of oblivion. As he listened to this he felt the last kiss of his youth break away and die out. He would never be the same again.
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