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Understanding Psychosis- a catalyst for the recovery from psychosis-the beliefs in hallucinations, voices, and delusions.

By Matt Pack 4-4-08 Why do so many of the recoveries I worked belong in the sixties? Why are they made and run like nobody knows anything? Why do so many patients never get better and break the cycle of hospitalization? Why do 1st timers come back again and again? Why is it I failed so many times? Because we are psychotic and that is not treated and more reasons Take a look at a typical day in the mental ward, a typical week, a typical month; make it years of program and recoveries. Tell me the name of the book to help one out of denial, accept the illness, get the right goal of recovery in mind, which teaches how to get there, and stay there. A guide of a recovery, steps and advice and guidance, a recovery from a sate of denial through psychosis to functioning and living life? You cant tell me the name of the book. You cant tell me the name of one book issued to in or out patients. When I broke out of denial and the web of opsychosis, all the rest is just trying to be as good a person as I can. All the bullshit the system goes on about does not adress psychois and reality, and makes you think you have to be someone you arent. Take a busisnessman and give him what we get in the form of anger management, self esteem, and ssirtivenss, and ask him later what of all that carp does he use? If it isnt reality and getting out of psychosis, and a normal person wouldnt find it especially life changing, what the hell is it doing as the priority subjects of our recoveries? And tell me the program, or phase of program, the subjects taught, the curriculum that does that? You cant. There is no book, and the curriculum that doesnt have a book, not one, will tell you they do all that, but ask yourself if they dont have a book, do they really provide these things? No steps on the wall in a big poster, no beginning or end, nothing but hard to understand, hard to obtain, ways to be a sensitive, insightful, anger controlling, witty, assertive, have good self esteem, fight depression. With all this crap coming at a psychotic, it is hard to understand the real goal of recovery, which sadly is a major reason why we come back, why we fail at our recoveries. If you wanted a guys opinion youll get it, but ask yourself what kind of guy would you want? Imagine if you had a guy who worked real hard, like won praise and rewards, who was released and was always coming back and one day did things differently and boom! He holds a real job for 4 years, doesnt go back. Never mind all the doctors and staff, now this guy would have a pretty interesting opinion. That is me. Because if I went in today crazy, it would be an ineffective treatment that would be thrown on me while I was psychotic. I would be in a hospital confused and desperate and would dive in. And I would have structure and socialization, meds, and be near the ballpark of recovery so I would get better, but I would not be right, if you know what I mean. That is a semi recovery.

That semi recovery is my term, Ill take it. It is defined by a recovery in mental state due to structure, time, medicine, socializing, and incomplete treatment. The placebo effect is just as real in a treatment, as it is in a medicine. Im not saying the system recovery doesnt do anything, but it isnt exactly doing well. I could sit down for a weekend and give you a treatment written down, that would bring staggering success and I could write a book that would give a clear path. I have and I have. How the world will respond is unknown. But this weekend I will submit it all. Nobody asked me to do this, or promised me anything. My motivation is that I am this guy that kept working their recoveries and did things differently and found a real life. Perhaps if everyone admitted how pessimistic they are when they see someone try to write about understanding psychosis, they could admit that not many people really do, and that the people who are psychotic need to, and that todays recovery of the system is linked to the fact that such pessimism is here. I can just say; imagine if one day a different recovery fell in your lap, what would you do? Pause and consider, please. A Circus Mind Preface To give you the perspective needed to appreciate the reasons a book is needed, whether or not you think this is it. See? We are already taking things in prioritized steps, so, do you think a book is needed for mental hospitals and patients? Thats all I am saying at this point. Besides imagine how grand it would be when your in a scary mental hospital, and they gave you a book, imagine! All the staff, group therapies, doctors, they are all necessary, my book, or a book, with the changes I recommend, the changes that will come from my points of view, will help professionals, and as far as I know they need and want help, helping us. But even with like Freud himself, and all the famous people of psychology and psychiatry treating you, if you were me, and they never gave you one book and then in the hospital you found a book written by someone who had been as nuts as you and got better, wouldnt you want it? Being crazy is pretty scarynice to read from a guy whos been therebesides as I will show,treatment teams need to read this book. Also they need to change their ways when they see how well the book is meeting needs they are not. Test the book out, thats the only way. This is what I am saying; A Hell of a lot of money, time, lives, and sanity is lost for the same reason that if you asked a normal American what to do as the patient, meaning mentally, if you go or are crazy, what would they all agree on? It would be somewhat well known by society, used in conversations like: he must not be on his meds, is. Because all society would be able to say is to take his meds and go to group therapy, which doesnt cure madness. Chemistry is one thing, if insanity already has you, you must get out of denial, accept the illness as it is without still believing one day you wont need meds-that extent of acceptance, to get out of denial a comparison with distinctions of sanity

and reality, knowledge of common delusions how they impact other symptoms, you need to accept, agree and confirm your goal of recovery with staff, study reality, commit and change with guidance, learn rules to help change beliefs until with the change and rules the patient supports a growing reality of normal beliefs, must learn how to take symptoms, must I go on?Dont worry I will, but this is just a preface for the world to see that with a population as desperate as us, and such costly treatment getting such poor results, a book is neglectfully left out. I could understand if they belived and said ;there is nothing we can do to help you. But they give us all kinds of system recovery crap. They all give us the idea we can do it with their help, their subjects. The patient needs help getting out of denial because crazy people are in denial, all the learning, changing and resisting is a lot of work, imagine how you would want guidance if your set of physical, spiritual, reality, self identity, if you had to change all the beliefs ( there are a Hell of a lot, the right beliefs believed, supported, nurtured take away the label crazy, and replace it with sanity with symptoms. So all this, how does someone like I was do that, what is taught? If you think it is all fixed with meds, structure and time then your happy with the mental health system as it is today and you are wrong and you dont appreciate the impact these things can be to someone who is crazy and trying to get better. I can assure you meds make my life as it is possible, but didnt make half the difference I learnt to make. Reality insists that since we believe so much crazy shit; medication, time and structure alone will not fix a lot. For how the patient accepts his illness, how he believes in reality, himself, his delusions, how he feels in control and power over the illness, these things are not fixed in good measures with time meds and structure, well short of what a person with a chronic illness needs to live his life to his real potential. And if meds, time and structure were all we needed why then do so many not get better, and keep having to try new meds, or are all the meds we need here, do you think we have all the right medications? What we need is direct and personal control over a very elusive and personal thing, our minds and our illness as I described all the mental work. That some would think time, meds, and structure in treatment were the keystones is wrong. All the long timer patients testify to that. All this work should begin in the first day, but instead we can count on learning things with no cohesiveness as a recovery, we can be in denial on discharge, not have coping capability because these things are not taught and seen for the teaching possibilities that they are, reality is not taught to crazy people- a method to reach reality is not taught, these are keystones, big ones. The system does not give reality its own subject and topic status, denial is rampant, med compliance is a problem, delusions also need their own topic, steps are necessary, man, the recovery is not there. Instead we start to be told over and over things that are hard to change like managing anger, self esteem, assertiveness, all these things are a challenge not because they are the things we need to work on, they are a challenge and a distraction because we need the recovery I am talking about to actively, with assurance make progress on the fact that we are crazy, these other issues are way secondary. As it is they are the

priority, when reality, and sanity arent, there is your major malfunction, aside from there being no book, no steps, no program in the recovery like my book, not taught, and recognized as what we really want, you all think the topics you have are what we need and want. If five years ago you went crazy, and you went thru therapy and were taking your meds, and I came up and got to know you today, my experience tells me that you will still be quite crazy. The power, experience of self recovery, confidence and control is not gained with meds, structure, and time. Reality dictates crazy people who dont establish themselves in their mind with a good relationship and many attributes in the part of the mind that can decipher reality from symptom, all the time, structure, and meds arent going to mean anything. That problem is a major reason some never seem to get better and they have tried all the meds, they have had structure, years and years of therapy. And I say getting there takes the right method, you risk your whole life when you apply it, because it is reality as we see itsee, groups, meds, time, structure, dont make good recoveries alone, it is when the patient has an understanding of his goal, his tools, his method, access to a good destination anchor and source of reality, guidance like a step book and program, determination, courage, discipline, will, when all these and more are right you get a guy who is on a path he sees quite well, and he is learning and doing recovery. Yeah and so a book would be nice. When he has accepted he is in insanity, and has been for enough of the time that he has, has the goal of returning to reality to fix his problems, if he meets those demands and stands at the brink--an insane man with a plan to get to reality--the insane man will sacrifice what he has seen as reality and truth, if he has been challenged or like me, got blessed and lucky, he gives his reality and life for the future. He will be on a journey of recovery that is working and staying and being put to use in his mind. He sees it because it is a change that he puts into action because he knows he has such a major role, He does it. Do you see that the moment he will change is when he is prepared, versed, understands, he defines the change in the beginning because with what he has salvaged, the goal of reality and sanity wont come unless he changes and uses his salvaged healthy reality the one he left when his illness began which he had not been believing and living by and trusting everything to living by it to pull from insanity, the unhealthy reality. Once he gets on that path of following a different reality, he will later be strong enough to debunk his old reality, thus delusions, hallucinations, voices, psychosis. This doesnt make it all go away, but this seperation I am describing is not happening for pateints like me. When they arent getting betetr, they are trying their best so they are one solid reality of insanity and remenatnts of sanity. At the top is the insanity, because we are insane and insanity has all kinds of importance, danger, promises, e tc. But when we are living by that guiding healthy reality it gives us a chance and room to fight, deny, escape, rebuild, etc. He puts a healthy reality accessible from pre-illness life and memory and verified thru my type of program and this book, and it is like a switch that you throw, give a crazy guy the right mission and youll find crazy people are fanatics. The book is designed to take a patient who is in denial, not accepting his illness,

on the journey to meeting those demands, give him expectations, advice, guidance but it is all done by him, he has learnt a position of power, and it isnt just getting them to the point of switching, this is all meant for life. I spent 1994-2004 in psychosis. I was hospitalized many times and was never given the right help, nor my peers. I spent 10 months in 2003 locked away. Today is 2008, and I was hospitalized once for depression, have held a job for almost 4 years, and am getting As in college. Back to the question about what society would advise a person who is crazy or in denial and crazy about how they certainly must do something as the problem in in the mind-- The normal American doesnt know, and dont assume the mental health system is based upon their knowing or implementing it in a way which is standardized, familiar, appreciated, mainstream, applied as such. In my book I instruct just that; what you do when you are psychotic to start living a recovery, like a road.---That is what I am saying, you cant argue it without reading this book, in it I give a description of the missing components, and in the end; if all this repetitive shit I preach would hypothetically work in your opinion, you couldnt find common sense reasons why it would not do what I say it does yet it doesnt seem crazy or imaginative or special enough, then I can say a few things.. 1: At least I have given a method that does what it is meant to do at least on some very plain principles; but tell me if I was to be admitted now, psychotic, where are all the ingenious, creative, and profound methods that will do the same, huh? I mean, if you are in the business of helping crazy people, what do you give them as far as a mental foundation, reality, a tool and steps, a process, not for outward secondary issues, if I go nuts right now, do you really think taking some meds will cover all the insanity? No , so what I am saying is the blood and guts mental work required to get in reality, and fight to stay there, and form a healthy relationship with the self, the illness, reality, and recovery--all that shit, I tell youthe world- if you havent got the answers, ask a person next to you, is a crafty method really going to seem crafty to people who think the way it is right now is the proven method that is cutting edge? I mean look at your success rates, and can you tell me yet just what do you do to recover reality yet, or am I all wrong in feeling like I have to pull your pants down to get your attention? All I know is this has been my work, my life, and it seems to me, lives are at stake. If I wrote this without also facing an expected skepticism, smugness, doubt, criticism, just put it out in a form that did amazing new things without standing up for them and challenging the old feeble ways, it would just be a half assed attempt, because if a few people really up there in the system cant shake my words, then this book has a better chance, thus my peers have a better chance, the world is better, etc. 2: Your way failed me many times. The average patient? Him too. 3: You guys have had all the time in the world, to take reality and give us ways to get there and keep it, and your going to tell me reality tests for psychotics has been having outstanding results to keeping us wackos in reality? What about core beliefs, that poor, under taught subject of todays mental health system

and the reality tests, that is maybe an inch of the hundred miles you could have run with the biggest problem facing crazy people today; our realities. Ill show you my shit, when Im done ask yourself hmm, did he have something? Ill bet someone will write it one day. Well the fact that your not going to be the one to write it, and the fact that I have to trust my guts completely as to why I have to write it with this beginning are the same thing, nobody has had the enough of the guts, passion, drive, sense, and perspective to do it. Im sure many have thought about it. But why, when your done, can you tell yourself; there should be a book, but I couldnt be the one to write it That I and my peers up till now have had what we have had, and then whats missing pops up, it is really for us to decide how to handle it, and to deny us for controversy, or misunderstanding, I wont tolerate. Finally after you have silently argued with me, and gone so far with me, how could a book for getting back to reality not be, while a billion dollar industry charging 365 dollars for 45 minutes of my time 4 times a day 5 days a week, medication, all the shit, we cant name one goddamned book! Do you think it is ok, to lock someone up, give them drugs, tell them they are crazy, oh, I see you wouldnt know, Im not going to explain every goddamned thing about being scared to death, freaking, seeing demons, being told you are crazy, believing they will do the best, and then you work so hard and you know if it werent for God you were beaten and dead, and you fuckin worked so hard, and the stuff you figured out, you look around and not only isnt it taught, it is no where and it isnt genius, and friends kill themselves or go homeless, suffer locked up for structure, time and meds. Yes, goddamn it! Meds are necessary, but look at me, I am not a writer and I have written this, you cant give us a book!?? You will have a hard time getting someone out of denial of a big problem if your solution doesnt offer a way out that they understand.---Matt Pack They: staff, doctors, system. Do you think they understand why some get better and others dont? Do you think they understand what to do to make us succeed in treatment? If they did there would be a whole curriculum-the problem is we are crazy, so tell me aside from taking meds, trying to feel happy, control behavior and anger, what is the curriculum? Some steps, a book maybe? At least a recovery of prioritized stages building on one another? Yes this is going to be a long preface The whole question this book asks over and over is how do I stop being crazy, meaning hospitalized every six months, or year, or week, and start living with a job and put it behind me? What do I do mentally either when medicine starts working, or before to be on course out of this madness? And now I ask you that question. How? What is the book, steps or curriculum to get oneself out of psychosis? In the system recovery, later recovery is covered. Sadly they are still coping with psychosis

badly. To me recovery was getting out of denial, accepting my illness, changing my reality and sanity, in other words, stopping as much crazy and gaining as much reality, sanity and myself as I could. I wrote this book, because it wasnt there for me, I feel lucky to have gotten it right after ten years and all my peers and I would have read it after the first rock bottom. I did it for us. Would something as big, expensive, professional and comprehensive as the recovery taught by the system, give an answer? So their answer: recovery. So do they teach recovery? In the world today what the system does is the changing definition; the system defines the very word; recovery. If you get help out of the system, it is noted like it is not recovery. It is the standard. All anyone can honestly say about the mental health system is it has changed a lot in the last 50 years. But if there is no book, standard in mental wards, just how much do you think they have changed the mental work and subject matter in recovery What makes you think now it works right? With all they talk about recovery, surely they can answer your doubts about my book? It isnt for them, it is for crazy people. He, He, He. If you were crazy like me or my peers, wouldnt you like to have a small library of books that explain it? We have none. The whole question is where is the chance to believe in the recovery if they cant put it into a book? Keep in mind weve worked it many times; we have worked it, no one else. And we can manage to declare we need more help! We can, we seek more help. When we are out there smoking we try to figure it all out. When we are trying to hold it together we want something that works! We are looking for that in the far reaches of insanity, sanity, and in between. That, surely you can accept. We look for something that works. Well, keep that in mind as you read my book.

This man,...he thinks like I do ---Crocodile Dundee 2 You will see in my book, I believe serious cases of mental illness are not being treated adequately. And in this book, I take such a path that you can see why many dont get better. I offer a complete recovery from the hard and unexposed battle out of psychosis in much detail, that you will wonder why if I can write something seemingly well, why the system provides no book. No steps. No direct, cohesive, understandable, treatment of being psychotic. That if you went psychotic and were put in a nut hospital you and I would expect an intensive dose of reality, steps, a process, a mental mechanism to help us, and you would not receive it is what I am informing you. It is not even given a period, stage, rather they teach about changing who you are into a happy, insightful, witty, person, give you meds, and

expect one to either come out of psychosis with medications, or they will just learn to be as best in behaviors, and outward cooperation with reality as they can. That for many will not come, and others will spend years and years trying to get it right. I was in some state of delusions for a block of my life spanning ten years. They tell you that you have a serious problem, that you are very brave, and that you can do it. They tell you that you must take these pills. In the many, many groups you attend inside and as an out-patient, you are taught all about self esteem, anger management, assertiveness, personality types, and it all makes you feel like when you are done with the recovery you will be a perfect person-that if you learn to be someone you are not, you will be fine. Already they are neglecting you. You would leave if you could and dont believe you are crazy. They have never in my many recoveries made sure that foundation to begin a recovery is there. They need to work with you so you get out of denial and accept the illness for what it is-that is a part of the beginning foundations needed. Base a recovery on reality to thwart the insanity, not change your personality and outward behaviors that stem from an internal problem. And it should be a big part. Or at least give them a book that does just that, outlines and lets them work on their recovery while they understand how it is going to help. A recovery they can do in their heads every waking hour that makes sense. And they would want it written by someone it worked for. You will be outgoing, witty, insightful, at peace, wise, happy and productive. I graduated in and out patient programs and had not even been brought out of denial completely, had not been persuaded or convinced of all that was crazy. My goal was to be that perfect person and I worked hard. The second problem is not only do I get an impression of a great guy, the impression they give is not directly applied or explained, the goal was never clear. So that I was going to be a great, happy, psychic, heroic, telepathic, cross of illness and health. Tell me what is the first step to controlling who you are? I tried though. I tried my best; the goal seemed to me to be a perfect person. I eventually felt I did not have any symptoms. They felt I had done well and would make it. So did I. I was King Arthur and was hallucinating and having delusions heavily. How all the stuff they taught me was supposed to work is beyond me. I simply got medstable, not delusion, hallucination free. And I can say that the degree of recovery in those recoveries compared to my recovery of this book is grossly mismatched in my books favor. I could talk good game based on their recovery after those recoveries, but had not learned what to do and what I did, I was still in denial about many things and was not made aware, still psychotic but all the structure, working for a better me, medicine, and socializing had made a positive change. I was happy to believe I had done so much and come so far, and that I would make it. The mental role one needs to believe in, live, and practice for someone who suffers delusions, hallucinations, voices; psychosis, is not taught or even defined. I dont think they can describe it or teach it. This role one plays in the life and mind of a mentally ill person is an important variable in the amount of success, enjoyment of life, bad days, growth, sanity, and recovery.

In my book I strive to help people like me get out of psychosis, but it is laying foundation, building evidence, and guiding one into a proper relationship with himself, his illness, and reality. It is more teachable than the world makes it out to be. If you just take a whole recovery, and make it broad and general, and brief and short, and everything and put it in steps {short} and walk them thru {long}, a whole recovery that begins to work, they will take it more to heart as it begins to work. It will help them because it has been helping them and they will know it. They can sum it up long or short and understand the way it works. Do that and youve put a part of them in the right role in dealing with life with a mental illness. A very important role: Climbing out of a rock bottom and dealing and living with the illness at its worst, really fighting it, actively improving their condition from a state of psychosis to a state of sanity. A Recovery. In 2003 I was hospitalized more times than I know, longer than I ever had been. Over four months I suffered before I could get myself out of denial. That feat and the rest of my recovery were very much what I had needed for over ten years, and I want you to know I didnt realize that most of the time, and that I feel lucky and that God helped. But that is said only to stress how crazy I was, how it wasnt part of the system recovery, and that I feel very fortunate to have taken on so much without guidance because I was so gone. There I was in 2003, I asked myself: Ok; I am crazy and have been this whole timenow I cant go though another rock bottom or I wont make it, Ive always tried hard and been a star patient, I have to remember; what do I do? I had no format, no one did. No outline, no book. No steps, not a clue. I thought about sanity, recovery, the goal of recovery, my strongest assets, and formulated this plan and this recovery. I feel that since it worked in 2003, it would have worked in 94 as I was much crazier in 2003 from long lived delusions. Reality needs to be a staple, like, but larger than anger management, self-esteem, etc. Delusions, Reality and Core Beliefs, need to be studied. Foundation of education and proper acceptance of the illness needs to happen. You cant learn to cope and really be correct about reality if you are psychotic and you are thrown into the system recoveries which have no beginning, order, priorities, cohesiveness, understanding, and your first day you learn about self-esteem. And the first month you learn about anger management, drug use, assertiveness, personality types, and all you are able to remember is how to act in the hospital. That is a missed opportunity and window, where one needs to get out of denial, be educated about the differences of reality and his delusions, and commit to a recovery that has some foundation of reality to build on. My point is if you dont learn to fight it while it has you, you wont be fighting it in the future. And I fight my illness most days. But I know I can hang, because I have brought myself here from a different state of being, I have fought it ever since and always will. In other recoveries, false recoveries, I would stabilize somewhat because of the environment, drugs and all that. And I would declare it was all over, I was fine. But when I went off, I had to start at the beginning every time, and that doesnt happen with this. Ill have a day that kicks my ass, but I wont be unaware of it from my illness, and I never lose anything more than peace of mind but not my sanity. You can have sanity and symptoms, you cant have sanity and a mental illness without being able to take punches, bad days, and be able not just to have

symptoms but to get your ass kicked by them, dismiss, roll, do your own thing, totally ignore them, not notice, you need to be tough in the mind to do all those different things and there is a lot more that goes on, but this isnt my point. A method of being a crazy person going to sanity and reality was and has been absent. There is no book, no steps on the wall, they dont have even a very vague worksheet to get you out of denial, explain the goal of recovery, and a way you understand that you can work to get there. They dont teach about reality? No, they teach about system attributes and skills, not how to stop being nuts. They have reality tests and core beliefs, but no course simply dedicated to reality and they do not go on the attack with reality versus delusions, we should all not be concentrating on system attributes, we should concentrate on delusions and reality. Can you imagine a mental hospital or a whole system, dealing with mental illness, and no one has a reality guide, a book on reality for crazy people? In years of being a patient, core beliefs was the most useful but under taught subject. Reality tests do not do the trick, especially when the significance of them and application and follow through isnt there. I found myself in the worst period of my life and of my illness and I believed I should know what to do, I asked myself what I did to get well before, what was my plan, where do I start? I had no answers and later saw I was not even sane during those times I thought I was doing well, and others did too. I had no plan, no book, no steps, and no idea of how I was going to stop being insane. I worked the recovery I write about. And as I wrote about it, I realized how needed it is. That is not debatable with me. If you tell someone they need to take anti-psychotics, and do not guide them out, how can you count on the patient whose natural tendency is insanity to apply, deal with, recognize, and follow through all the changes he goes through? How can you give a guy something that you know will alter his mind and reality and not teach him about reality and his mind? They arent recovering, they are chemically changing, and will look better for it, but it isnt recovery. And when they are tolerant of the drugs, or feeling too stressed? You hear coping a lot, but what do they tell someone who says; I see people that arent real, and I want it to stop, my voices and life are driving me nuts? Without reality to fall back upon as a taught subject, without picking apart delusions and problems, without so much you cant cope well enough to do anything but be a career patient. I find the goal of recovery in the system as it is impressed on us is unreal and unclear. I find denial needs to be addressed, worked on and studied. I find reality and its opposite are two very teachable subjects which should be the bulk of what we learn. With this foundation, one should then be guided, prepared, towards achieving changes that he understands and are prioritized above all the knick knacks of system recovery. It should be so covered that a patient would have to be able to tell you how he was going to recover from psychosis. There was never a group, topic, phase, steps, and book, on going from psychosis which they acknowledge with medicine, to sanity. That is the void this book fills. I have been working a real job for three years. Ive been writing this book for four years. Ive tried to imagine another way but maybe the fact is that I live it or that so many of my peers are neglected, or perhaps it works because a crazy man thought of it and it works for crazy

people, I have never found a way that worked better or made more sense. This book is important. I realize I havent told you the recovery; I am just raising your opinion that we should have a book, and reality should be a subject and how the system doesnt accomplish what this book does. My book is named from a verse of a Jimi Hendrix song about a girl with a circus mind thats running on. I felt right writing, and I feel proud of it. I hate that people can say youve been through your illness I bet you could give some advice about how to handle it because it really does not come out in person as well as things can come out in writing.People give me their opinions and dont shut up and let me talk. They act like they are helping me while they interrupt, I hate it. Also giving advice about things when you know in your heart the basics arent there, the window of opportunity is not in the right time, you need to find out where that person is, prep them, it all makes us nervous. And should this book be published I will be surprised, because I dont see people following thru when they tell me I have a lot of good advice and insight, am doing so well, when I try to put out a book, I feel more people think I am obsessed, or have delusions of grandeur, or something like that. Changing a guys point of view that they are doing so well, and showing him he has messed up the most basic foundations, and isnt doing things right at all, and the guy is forty years old, there are many reasons that writing a recovery from start to finish, while they know that is what I am going to teach, after I convince and relate to them that they need it and it makes sense is what this book does so much better than I could do with a few hours of their time a week at a hospital. It is after they are out of denial, accept their illness, admit they need medication and help, and after I have described what the recovery will do and how, that is when I ask them to commit to it. It takes built upon relating to them and you have to show a lot of things to someone who can be years into being crazy and they wont accept it and they keep winding up in mental hospitals and they still dont accept it. If I walked into a mental hospital and asked these questions to staff and patients, consider what the answers can tell you. To the staff: With a new admission, where do you begin? When you are admitted, you go through a processing, asking medical information, taking possessions not allowed, questionnaires about psychiatric symptoms, you get a patients bill of rights, you are told the amount of time you can be kept, rules, issued a kit, given a room and roommate. You are told who will be your doctor and contact staff member. There is nothing like a criteria to work by, steps to follow or explore, no book, nothing to work on at your own pace or time, you attend a group and introduce yourself. You meet all the others, and then the group begins where it last left off. When it comes around to you, you are encouraged to rate your mood, tell the group what has been troubling you and what you are working on. Note, the patient is here against his will, doesnt believe he belongs there, doesnt believe he needs medication. There is no individual or group beginning point with beginning goals, and foundation. This is not acceptable. When is the patient given a recovery, on paper, in their heads, that they believe

in and understand? The patient is sometimes shown goals for the staff to help him accomplish. No matter how good they are they wont happen without a beginning. Having a beginning isnt favorable, how can you really get better from being crazy, without really understanding you are, and understanding the goal of recovery, when we were sane, without knowing which things going on right then are crazy? You have to be aware of your situation and then youll want to recover, then you teach how to get back to sanity and it has to make sense, but it wont if you still dont credit much with being nuts, or if it wouldnt make sense at all. Bottom line---We are taught late to post recovery, never the beginning or middle. All the structure of hospital routine, the setting, the socialization, the desire to get out, the medication, all result in the patient seeming to get better. But as we smoke on the smoke deck, we ask ourselves what we have done in our minds, in our lives, what are we keeping in our awareness that is making us better? And we know we have not learnt a method, a slogan, a book, steps, a process, an idea, or anything that is changing anything from the inside out. The goals we get, the education we get, never addresses what to do to stop being crazy. When is a patient given broad goals and steps to help with the recovery? The patient never gets an outline, recovery in a book or steps form. If they teach us all kinds of things that are in their minds useful, and we should be able to grasp, employ these things..Why would my idea and my recovery then be a bad thing if it offers a beginning with foundation, an outline, a method one can describe in two or three sentences, and at the same time can fill a book, and it works in theory and the life of one Matthew D Pack, it is applicable, builds upon itself, has commonsense, reality, the goals, steps, a plan, a method, a book how would this somehow be wrong if they expect us to get better from their crap that they cant for some reason put into steps, an outline a plan?? Before you proceed you must concede something. If you were in there crazy, would you want to do something to fix yourself once you could see you were crazy? Now imagine if you could, you are now highly suggestive, because your world, reality, and self image are shattered. You can accept illness and come out of denial, scared for your future, and pay hard attention and not get an idea of how it is going to get better, and years can pass. Wouldnt you like to understand a healing method that could fix you, before trying it? Here you must concede that number one a book is a good idea, number two that the system doesnt do that for us. We never got a book, we joined the herd of craziness, and we tried to use what we did not understand how it would change us, but we tried to use it, and since we couldnt understand where to begin, steps of any kind, we relied more and more on ourselves to use our own mettle, sitting, ashes on the cigarette burning my robe feeling intense serous, burning intenseness to make my self get sane by will and emotion alone, because what is the system recovery, there is nothing for the mental part one plays, in the system recovery. Ill tell you anyone who has been delusional and becomes sane can relate upon stages, and moments or reality and insanity, to a person who has also done so, and they have much in common. It seems we all have much in common the way we are all taught the same useless system recovery. So to argue that we are different is arguing we should be treated differently, which we are not. My point is, we can recover weak or strong, should have something we can make our mental priority, a recovery we can work in our minds and lives, something we can

journal about, discuss, practice. My recovery is such. Any fool can see having a practicable recovery should involve getting out of denial, having a goal, reality, beliefs, discipline, learning all about why these things are affecting us. Any fool can agree with that. But what we get is anger-management, self esteem, depression coping, medication education, personality types, all this stuff is about who we are supposed to be but if you teach such a huge change which isnt really advisable for people who are psychotic, wouldnt it seem breaking it down into prioritized steps would help people with thought disorders, delusions, denial, voices, hallucinations, severe anxiety and depression-wouldnt you think it would be wise for the patient to be able to repeat major steps of his recovery to himself, in his head or aloud, so he could actually begin working a recovery as he lives and as he understands? Yes. Tell me: If you were me, in 2003, you are being taught a bunch of stuff and you and your peers cant recite or agree on the most important stages, phases, periods, changes, priorities or organizations of your recoveries, tell me, what the fuck kind of learning is that? Here Ill say it, I believe just reading this book, will surpass years of system recovery. When is the patient given a book? I was never given a book other than fiction or the Bible in dozens of admissions, and years of out patient programs. I dont care what anyone believes about reality or mental illness, no one would believe we dont have a book after billions of dollars are spent, and if they saw some of the subjects and our group therapies you wouldnt expect a college student to be able to apply and change their behaviors and lives half as well as you expect a crazy person to, and when you try the college grads will ask: Wheres the book, dude? There is no book. I am supposed to turn into a kind, insightful, witty, funny, wise, outgoing, cheerful person, .that was the message I got. And that was the instruction I received. So tell me, if all the staff could possibly say the same thing, how? No one can change into a perfect person and some that seem more close to that goal they dont seem real, and one day they crack. Or you find thats all they are. A perfect behavioral model who cant take being alone, cant live with imperfections, cant unwind, cant cut loose, and cant live a human existence. But where the fuck does the idea come that while society is so far from perfect, we can make perfect mental patients? Im crazy; I dont need further hard to obtain goals about myself. If normal people could do what they are having us do, there would be institutes teaching normal people to be their potential and they would be required. They are taking the ideals of a normal persons potential and throwing them at mental patients like it will rescue them. It makes no sense. 5. What are the mental tools given to the patient? Ill tell you what the subjects are not in the hospital: They are not getting out of denial, not gaining proper perspective of our lives and illness, they are not acceptance of the illness, they are not about a proper goal that is what the patient really needs, they are not about reality, about believing in reality and they are not about all the common delusions, about a steep process, and what there is, is not summed up, prioritized and made clear and cohesive in a book. Instead, they are taught about self esteem and depression, now for all the possibly useful things you can teach, what is the process to go from depressed and low self esteem, to happy and high self esteem? All I heard was that you have to think good things about yourself and affirm your goodness. If you have problems with sanity, socialization, depression, and feeling like a freak because of that and because of the way you feel

sometimes, you are already trying your best, and not making it easy for the feeling to last, you are fighting your hardest, having sanity, reality, and an ability to sum up ways you have made things better, are far more useful than saying you are smart, handsome, a lot of fun sometimes, none of that argues with feeling crazy, freakish, tired, hopeless and never knowing why. The tools of a patient in a system recovery are: patience, acting, med compliance, outgoingness, good behavior, good at fighting, anger management, feeling good about oneself, assertiveness, likes to do things, likes the staff, has smokes and money. The tools I offer in my book are reality, discipline, knowledge, mental recovery, sanity, awareness of the illness, knowing you really do have a mental illness, strength, understanding how you will become, how to do that. And how to keep that. It is a recovery that keeps the individual recovering, but not trying to overstep his bounds. What is the goal of the recovery you teach in the system? What is the goal of the recovery in the system? Med compliance, education, in patient and out patient. And if you found the average amount of time it takes for a patient to be released because everyone feels he is done? Years. My book and I dont agree with that for one main reason I have already said: If you cant turn all that time into your own words of why you recovered and how to do it again, then you havent recovered and wont know what to do when you get sick again, and you havent been educated, you have simply tried not to be crazy in a social and structural situation and meds and time and all this has created a false recovery. You dont do anything, havent recovered if you cant describe how and why what happened and how you got better. You arent recovered if you cant say what you have changed about how you are actively fighting the illness and maintaining sanity. The truth of these answers lies in my own experiences of dozens of hospitalizations, years of treatment, and the same truths were displayed in my peers. Ask yourself what you really know.. To the patients: What were the first important accomplishments you made in your recovery? Getting used to the hospital, getting smokes and money, a walkman. Learning who my doctor is, winning a chess game, learning about medications, learning about self esteem, assertiveness, anger management, personality types. What are you working on? I want to feel better, so I try to be happier. What will you be working on in the future? Just, I want to feel all better, know why; Ill know Im better when it happens. What have you learnt that will help you, or has helped you? Just to like... be cool. Not to fight. Not to argue. If you were back in the rock bottom of your illness, what would you do to get better? What would your plan be?

I would pray, try to feel better, count to ten, try not to trip out. If you could leave would you? Yes. Do you know the goals of your recovery? Just feel better, take my medicine, learn about things. If you werent made to take your meds, would you? If I felt better and I think I will, Ill get off them one day. If you could have a book with steps to help you recover would you want that book? Yes, because the other people here have all these problems and they are so weird, with a book for me and my problems I could study in my room. What does that tell you? I lived it. I know we need a book for us and our types of illness. It has to come. The patients answers are highly likely and they dont have the other types of answers like: I am fighting evil and racism here., I have been kicking some evil ass here., I saved all these people., I have to be a policeman.---psychotic answers which are totally relevant and a part of being hospitalized. We are not out of denial, so you better believe we are engaged in a shit load of crazy delusions where we are the heroes, victims, all kinds of delusions happen when you lock us all up together. The point is they have no plan or procedure, goals, help with denial, reality, and I can tell you crazy people need that. And of course this book needs to approach and address all these issues with care and tactfulness. A trust and a lot of evidence need to build one out of denial. A Circus Mind By: Matt Pack {Packy} For: John Hood and friends --I did it! A book written by a former patient with Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, and Anxiety, about a recovery that has satisfied me, that allows me to live normally, happily with an abnormal illness. A recovery with three steps, insight, that explains how it works so it makes sense, everything I have learnt about recovery from years of being a patient to working full-time and thinking my life is simple and easy now. Importantly, is it gives a patient a tool in the mind under his control, that he both understands why and how it works, and it stays in place in such a way so he can always be working a recovery. Having something that enables one to begin and maintain progress when dealing with being psychotic and at a rock bottom needs to be a recovery he can keep in his mind and understand it, use it, travel with it out of psychotic delusions. Also, it has to make sense and show potential for a crazy person to risk meddling with his sanity while he is dealing with unreal life, soul and death struggles with unreal events and foes. This book would not, therefore, be anything but half-assed if I did not take on the responsibility of laying the prep-foundation, fighting denial, building acceptance,

giving all the dynamic factors in our lives attention. So this book is not a satisfactory result of work, it is going the full-distance that I am able to make it do so. But at the same time, I have simplified and broken things down, while also giving complex analysis of complex subjects. It has side goals such as to unclog, inform, educate, and criticize the system of several problems that will help the system help patients better, quicker and while doing so give the system a complete treatment layout. Another important goal is to educate patients in to answers they have been seeking that dont have to do with just their recovery. I have a great supportive family, and so this book would not be complete without portions of it aimed at teaching those curious about their loved ones plight. And my main goal to give what I found for every patient who sits there wondering what they have to figure out to be done with being locked up, done with rock-bottoms, done with feeling like a freak, done with not feeling right, done with chaos, done fighting Evil forces, all done in one right way, that they can use all the time and not get lost doing so. It is a book I have spent years on, and worked harder than I ever did, and its dedicated to direct and indirect ways of helping patients in the journey from Mental Hospitals to feeling normal and working. When you see us patients sitting there all intense in thought, many of us, at many such times were trying to figure something just like this book. I earned the knowledge to write this book, and I take this as a huge responsibility, and a great opportunity to help so many. And I dont like to believe that , I know it. In writing my book I have not become a fanatic, the main goal is to help patients like me, who look for help, all they have to do is read it. I believe that it will achieve all my goals.

Why this is needed and so very helpful. A perspective for those who wonder about living with a major illness, the Mental Health System, and just what this book does, and how it can help. I am sane by my own power and medication. I can not be like this without an understanding of what that means because my illness will and did have me believing insanity and living insanely. I understand my sanity and reality with an ever growing knowledge. It is always active and always suggesting thoughts and actions, dreams, and guiding me through life. I spared nothing in my pursuit for sanity, for my illness spares nothing for me. That is good for someone with an illness, a growing knowledge of reality is a growing knowledge of actions to cope, a growing knowledge of yourself, and from that knowledge of reality we look out and spot our illness at work, when it is all crazy you cant, that is why getting a method that takes one to it by their own power that can communicate much is why I wrote this book. I took notice of my recovery, and with help from above I have it all in my head. And the recovery I use today is the same one that can be taught to a psychotic in denial, it hasnt let me down yet, and as I sit here writing I dont believe a single delusion that has occurred in the last 4 years, I have had bad weeks, bad days, bad moments, but I am still a fighter who tries his best to have a good day and learn from it. I have many metal moments where I

believe something crazy, but they dont cope with my recovery that is always going. I was never issued a single book that served as a guide, or any book at all, I was given packets of info that were like trying to kill a flea with a laser, like a treatment packet written by normal people looking from far away, looking in, I needed a guide and steps would have also been nice, I cant tell you how much the steps mean to addicts and alcoholics, and addiction is a secondary problem to me, my primary problem required a treatment designed to help me from the inside out, As crazy as I have ever been there I was inside, getting the rest right has always been possible. Imagine the worst, most powerful delusion, and imagine a guy who half way thru refuses to believe it, was it him, would it help to learn to do that often, so much that you could manage hundreds at a time, and in time be peacefully enjoying the day used to fighting mental illness? Getting reality and sanity working right just by working a recovery, needs fundamentals of Sanity and reality. Until you know what sanity and reality are, how can you know when you have strayed? You cant. If you do not have a guide inside you and are doing what you can and are advised by your knowledge of sanity and reality your coping and sanity are not at their potential. Sanity doesnt mean you think totally normal things and believe and live totally normal, it means you are active in staying away from insanity. It means you do understand when you are thinking crazy things and it means you act for the most part in those situations with sanity in mind. You are by my definition sane if you are able to wake up to the same reality and world that you do every day, and do not change your perception of reality based on insanity. So a tool and guide for one who doesnt know if they are crazy, or know they are but do not have a grip on reality enough to know which is right, such a tool and guide should exist. I was never given any material on the subject of reality, no book or steps to get there, never brought all the way out of denial, When I recognized I had achieved sanity and reality, I recognized how blessed, or lucky I had been, and also just how much hard work it had been. Being able to be sane and remain so is using your own power to fight insanity. When you understand reality and sanity you understand yourself. When you dont understand reality and sanity with all its strengths and weaknesses how can you understand yourself? If you dont understand yourself how can you recover? I suggest my book because for someone like me it can make these keys: sanity, reality, and understanding yourself attainable quickly. Even though I was in denial so many times, not being or feeling right was how I always felt until four years ago. This book proves itself from taking one out of denial to giving steps that make sense and in the end the patient can know and say what he did to get sane. And he will have gained power and experience that he can explain. So because I have gained sanity and reality from a state where it was lacking, my guidance to this point is the same power and knowledge that keeps me there, I chose a wise way to find it, keep it, so I am sane by my own power in that I have never stopped using myself to remain sane and in reality, but I do know without medication it is hopeless. This point could then make some scoff, but they need to go in to the system and back in time to see how I was and how my peers fare. For one with my illness I am doing better than anyone hoped. Even myself. In conclusion, being free of delusions, not caring about hallucinations or suffering by them, not believing in hallucinations, voices and delusions, is totally achievable by coming to accept

that you have a mental illness and coming to believe in reality. And when I began I did not have any tool but determination, courage, and the belief that believing in the healthy reality I had when I was young over my current reality using my power of my mind and focus, and utilizing my illnesses strength against it, denial, I was doing a process that made sense, would change my reality. You have to figure my main problem was reality, so how else do you change back if you dont believe in reality, but you know yours is wrong? You restore it by doing this recovery, by looking to the healthy reality of our past, putting it into action like it was there all along. You can choose what to live by; God, Greed, Sex, so I figured living by the reality I had before my illness while I was not in reality and building beliefs back into it was the best way to gain sanity and believe in a reality that I enjoyed in childhood and teenage years.. And I remember the beginning as if I had thrown a giant switch, I said to myself; here goes and I have to mention it, because you all need to see if you havent ever been crazy, or you are and havent ever had something that you could do for it,neither did I, till then, and it worked! I committed to obeying, honoring, nurturing, building, living a reality I had lived in in my past, while doing the opposite to the reality so crazy, so fucked up, it had almost killed me many times. So when I took on the task of writing this book, my main goal is to spread that belief in others so they can use their minds, their memories to do the same. Recover: return to a healthy state of sanity and reality. Quickest way to do so? Why not put a reality that was healthy and sane, like the principles, laws and rules that govern it, in the highest rank, and lower the perception and activity and participation, the possession of the crazy reality? Made sense to me then, still does. If you are handing out heavy psychotropic, why is a thirty year old man, sitting at home with good intentions writing this? Because you hand out scary medicine, and try to teach us so much shit, but something like what I have just written, couldnt you have handed me something like what I have written, I would have read it and tried. Maybe then I wouldnt have lost ten years being King Arthur. General Introduction When I have finished this book it will have taken over 4 years to write. I am not a doctor. I was not a writer either until I undertook this book. I hated book reports and term papers in school. I have a mental illness, I have a full time job, I have been to the mental hospital one time for depression and that is it, for over 4 years. I am very happy to be alive. If life doesnt get any better, living in a board and care, struggling with addiction, not having a car, a girlfriend, being poor, working hard, if all that stays the same I am quite happy to keep trucking on. Not many would say the same, or deal with it and accomplish so much, that I am happy now and at the controls of my life, that is the success I am proud of most. It gets weird when I try to summarize my life and success. In 2003 I lost the battle of addiction and insanity. I checked out with God. And nothing could stop me from killing myself except God. I was insane and in the worst rock bottom, in jail, I was not toying around. I was never more sure of anything in my life that I couldnt take anymore. In my insanity I was among many things a soldier to God. I believed in God and had worked for him, talked to him, in my life, so it was out of the question that I would speak for him to hear, if I wasnt serious. I was not a praying man, I just decided if it was his will, he would maybe do something, or let me die. Not even halfway expecting anything, but still believing in His Glory and Mercy, I said: If there is any part of me that wants to live, please save me now. I was mercifully made unconscious that instant. Now the reason I write that, is so you know that I

have a serious mental illness. Because I believe I would be dead if not for God. My problems had driven me to not just fantasizing, but telling the man upstairs I was going to commit suicide, after I woke up I was still in a rock bottom but I did not think suicide was an option anymore. Ive been hospitalized more times than I can remember. I was insane for over 10 years. So from here on you know I did more than struggle, and my success and the fact that I do what I do and this book, you can read on knowing I had a huge fight and lost, but with my second chance I have reached success among my peers in the mental health system equivalent to the biggest success, millions of dollars, family, everything good in his life of a normal person who has it all. And it has been so because of what I will teach. Odds of doing what I have done with my mental illness and addiction, holding a full time job for over 2 and a half years, having a life, mastering my shit enough to write a book about the hardest thing I ever did, Bi-polar and schizophrenic, anxiety, the odds tell you there is something really working for me. I wrote this book for you. Well I dont know you, but I know me, and I know many people go through what you and I do. Some have had it harder than you and me combined, I have no doubt. I know the hardest times anyone can ever really know are his own. When you are at a hard time you want any way to make it stop. Understanding what happened, and how to prevent them is often not handed to you as it is with this book. Whether or not you think you are sane or crazy I bet you can say you are at a hard time, and you want it to stop. Can you say when it does that you will have an understanding of the origins of your problem, a recovery that makes sense to repair the damage and sources inside of you, prevent future similar hard times, an understanding and awareness of the situation and problem, or do you not even have a clear idea of the goal you are working for? Maybe you only know all this isnt right, life, reality, you, your mind, your world, but also dont know how it should be. I need to be frank, I want and recommend that you read this book. I can tell you it will do all these things I have been talking about. It will teach you how to change the pain, wrongness and keep you out of mental hospitals and hard times. This book was tailored to help people not living in the correct reality and sanity return to reality and keep their sanity. Now about those hard timesThose bad times and ending them while they are happening, before they happen, and sorting them out and repairing the damage,what have you found that works? I will have you thinking with beliefs, thoughts, a guide to show you, you can and will come out of the hard time your in. You will be able to think yourself through this illness to your goal. And if you think about it, if you cant kill a bad time, the best thing to do is be able to think your way out of it. Up until now youve been in a game that no one had shown you how to play, see, because if you couldnt make the bad times stop, make life feel right, couldnt understand the life you were living, had no idea of what was the key to ending and preventing bad times, just how the hell were you supposed to feel, let alone fix anything? Now to strengthen this general introduction, and keep readers Ill just show you more of what can be yours.

In 2003 I was saved by God from killing myself. I had been struggling since 94. From the moment I awoke from my unconsciousness, I had proof that God does intervene and work miracles. I also felt He must be on my side. When life is so painful, that is a comfort. I did not however know that all the bad was going to be manageable or even that I was crazy, for every time Ive been put in a hospital I have been in denial. Until you come out recovery is idle. A year later I was enjoying life in ways I had not done in over a decade, free from something I could identify, eliminate, control, and avoid. In the next six months I could see that my life was improving on an upward incline ever increasing. In August of 2004 I got my first job in 7 years. I still have it. Peace and contentment were so much that I began writing this book as I reflected on the changes in my life, and because I could understand why my life was improving. It is now 2007, I like going to work, have been writing this book because I know it is needed. I deal with my illness, but it doesnt change me or control me. I found the peace I had hungered for, found confidence, am not ashamed, I talk about my illness, I fit in, I work very hard, I know how I got sane and how to keep it. Life before my last recovery really sucked, now I apply myself to life, and enjoy it. Now let me give the main 5 reasons I wrote this book: 1, you and others like you. 2.Me- to prove I could and do a really good thing. 3.the system; to make progress 4. I hope some normal people will have a better shot at really understanding. 5 It felt right, and I do feel that is enough to say God is still thinking of me. Before I go on, let me summarize: Who I am is defined by my reality and sanity, and this me has really only been around 4 years, before that I was different. I remember who I was like it was another person, and he was brave and good enough to give everything so I could be. I went thru-words dont describe it because crazy people didnt write the language. I was beaten, it won, I had given up. I should be dead many times over. So if I was to do only one thing with a second shot do you know what I would do? This book, I paid attention to my recovery and still do, this book is the most important thing Ill ever do. So let me sum up what I gained from my recovery taught in this book and will pass on: Worlds less fear, conflict and anguish. 2. Boatloads of hope I have more than I ever did, lots of peace, mental rest, contentment, sanity, a world that makes a lot more sense. 3. I feel at last like my life is normal and right. 4. I am able to look ahead now. 5. I know what I did to get out of madness, and how to manage the worst symptoms, how to fight my illness and stay sane. 6. Sanity, Reality, and the ability to live normally with an abnormal illness. If you want these things you should know what your asking for. These arent blessings unattainable. These are what? you ready? These are what your mental illness has taken from you, are preventing you from feeling, having, your life. If you want these things, then you want recovery. Your illness took away your old life. You have to accept the illness as a present force to fight from now on, before you do you can struggle trying to feel free of

any internal problems and go deeper insane. And I am sure it did so by convincing you that you are very powerful, important, special and I bet you feel like because of that you have a lot of responsibility, to God, the world, etc. In fact you feel so different and special, that meddling with who you are, sanity and reality sounds like it might not be possible for you. And you feel your endless quests are too important to fuck with; Am I crazy and how bad? so youll just try extra hard to fight your fights, save the day etc. Do you feel that being a little crazy is a side affect of the bigger issues like protecting sheep, slaying demons, and fighting evil and wrongdoing? I think you need to be clear on some things: 1. You have nearly killed yourself. If you had owned a gun, youd be dead. 2. The really bad times that you as yet do not understand and deal with were the reasons for the suicide. You know that you cannot go thru more of them. 3.You have done more than your fare share in the fight against evil, let some other poor crazy guy pick up after you, enough is enough. 4. You know that you want these things: hope, stability, consistency, normal fear levels, no more dramatic life and death, no voices, no more conflicts, no more being a freak, no more being an unsung hero, and you want to feel like your life is safe, normal, and right. When your life doesnt feel right, you actually make a lot of insanity happen to you, its a cycle. Cause you are trying things mentally that just might fix things without careful thought, your trying everything and that isnt the way to stop insanity. When your life doesnt feel right you cant say no drugs, violence and you are rarely satisfied. You wonder why your life is so bad and hard, and you risk it over and over against demons for strangers. You are crazy, but it was all done thinking it was real, and you have been acting like you dont give a shit about yourself, in fact like you have a death wish, and that makes it hard, a cycle. That is why you and I know countless times you have been searching the years for miracle cures, escaping with drugs and alcohol, wisdom, and participating with insanity in the hopes there might be something to satisfy and ease the pain. You want a cure, yet you dont think your crazy, dont want to mess with it if you are, Ask yourself: Is it better to be awesome at a life that doesnt satisfy or feel right, or to live unremarkably, normal, and content in a life that makes sense and feels right? Ive done both, it is better to be one with your life that feels right and have a lot of problems that relate, than it is to max yourself out in every situation in a life that doesnt satisfy or feel right. I had good times as well as all the pain, but for over a decade my life wasnt normal and it didnt feel right. You can find profound peace in recovery, from being so crazy for so long, it is the benefit. You also dont sweat the small stuff and dont get upset as easy. Invest in in recovery and sanity as though your life depended on it, because if your life doesnt feel right, youll go crazier and you dont need to pretend,.your life has been at stake for some time. With mental illness, it never seems like the reason for everything. But because it is the reason you cant see that it is what is happening, it wants to destroy you, so it makes you think there

are other reasons maybe. Also sanity is a core of life, it affects everything in your life. How much have you ever committed to sanity? And how much have you committed to changing your mind and learning how to read minds? I promise that I am really going to help you, and another reason I am doing this is because I had help from God and luck, and all the recoveries I worked in the system dont work. After years and many recoveries in 2003 I found myself out of denial again. I asked myself, with a all the work I had done in the system, I should know how to get myself better. I had nothing. No plan, no steps, no idea of how to go from being crazy to being sane. I am going to take you thru, like I took myself thru, because many without such help, do not make it or even commit to trying.

You decided something to make you try reading this. You decided that something needs help in your life. Ask yourself what you wish were in these pages

A change you can make to make life better that makes sense and works?
Some know this is what they need, others just want out of the hospital. See if I can describe some bad aspects of your life that you would like to change: I have said I can help you out of here, stay out, and get you in to a better life. I cant do that without your help. So being aware of your thoughts and desires as you read will be your responsibility. Also, is to accept that you are seeking help. If you werent seeking, why read? Acknowledge that. Why read with hope? So all of this will do no good if you are wanting help, are aware of what my words are stirring in you, if you do not keep an open mind. If I take you through to a decision, and you can not agree because of indifference, ego, pride, denial, distraction, fear, narcissism, all closing your mind, it wont work. I have just told you how to keep an open mind and to take this very seriously, because I have been in mental hospitals and I know the best way to get out and stay out. You and Your Problems

Keep in mind as you read:

Ask yourself why I am right about you, how a guy who doesnt know you can say what you struggle with, and if he can do that well, ask yourself if there might be something to this book and to this writer You have been very stressed, anxious, burnt-out. You feel like what you need is a big vacation. You dont think you belong in there. You wish that everybody would tell you what you need to do, so you could do it and leave. Life has been amazing, strange, chaotic important, violent, unfair, impossible, things keep happening and are coming so fast, so strange, that it is wearing you down and they get worse. Your life has not felt right to you for too long. So you try and escape to other worlds or into a drunken or high numbness or mania. Your life has not felt peaceful. You are not aware of periods when you were nuts, you are not aware of the reasons they keep you. You get the impression from them that you will be better off if you behaved, and tried to be happy, yet

you feel you must act on important and threatening realities. You believe you are smart. Yet you cant understand what occurs so that you can go home. You are ready for a long vacation. You may have in mind when you get out that sleeping in, being lazy, getting really high and getting drunk a few times, having some great sex, and taking it easy is what you really need. I can totally understand why and relate. But that isnt a good idea. Until you can manage life without vices, having them will be all the more of a problem. It isnt the understanding you and I grew up with, I know, but these arent the kinds of days, months, in some cases years, that we are used to, to which those understandings apply. These times in your life are not shitty, bad luck kinds of days.they are times of your life that your mind, life, soul, and way of life are at huge risk. Dont think because you cant put a finger on so much that it must not be that bad. You havent been able to put your story all the way in focus or yourself and situation, you wish you could. You cant stay focused long on anything without something else coming up that seems more important and immediate. You have not been shown what to look for, ways to know for yourself what is wrong. And now youre here and you like most patients there, havent been convinced that it is a mental illness. Again, I dont blame you and can relate. But I will convince you it is a mental illness. And I will give you a recovery that worked for me, and get you ready to work a better recovery, a recovery you can make sense of. You just wish I, like everybody else would just say what, how and when and make it simple. Would you and would others have read this anyways if I started it out with: You are crazy, Ill help do this, do this. I know from my perspective that this way that I am doing it, would have worked better for me personally. Because if keeping you locked in a ward and forcing you to take medicine cant convince you, starting my book like that makes no sense. I and many of us are still in a tug of war with denial early through the end of recovery. So I feel earning some clout by proving my experience and knowledge, relating, and offering hope does what only a book can do, let you convince yourself if I am on to something depending on how well I can put it to you. I would rather deal with a patient who is in denial on paper, thought-out, tactfully, than face to face, directly. It is experience that tells me you need to get the simple hard truth, in steps and gradually. Just read this book, and youll get the whole enchilada; long, detailed and simple and short. You have been doing all that anyone could and does ask, and your not seeing what you expect and want. You want to have answers, feel good, and get working on ending these bad times, putting them behind you. Youve been paying attention and what youre getting isnt working for your desires. You have felt intense, opened your mind to possibilities you never would have, if looking the part were what counted youd be done. But you havent had the real enchilada and I can relate and tell you it hasnt been given to you. I will give it to you in the form of a perspective, attitude, knowledge, goal, method, advice, guide, tool; a real working recovery. You want to know what is going to happen. You want a guide. You want to feel right. You want to feel like life is right. You want to know what has been happening. You want to know what you need to have, do, whatever it is to make things right. Dont be discouraged, read on and when I ask you if you think you need a

recovery you can decide then. But let me inform you first because I know you dont think you are mentally ill, I wouldnt think of trying to write you one if you really didnt need one, without you deciding after I was thorough enough for anyone who had one to commit to one. I am trying to say, if you imagined a book for a mentally ill person dont you think it would take a lot of tactical writing to get someone crazy to agree that they are? It takes a lot of careful nudges. Before I do that I need to relate to you, earn your trust, show you enough info that you can decide if you have a mental illness. And it is not going to make you go nuts if you are not mentally ill. There are no risks in reading this. It will not cost you to at the very least learn about mental illness and recovery, kill some time in the hospital, and learn from someone who has a mental illness. I used to be crazythe meaning of the word as in like a dangerous, hallucinating, hearing things, way out there crazy not as in a guy who had mood problems, but a guy who lived in insanity. A brief summary of myself, my successes and my mistakes. To help you decide if you have a mental illness I now describe myself. One last piece of foundation of introduction, then reality, and then I will challenge your denial. But first about me: My illness: I have seen many hallucinations, heard many voices. I take powerful psychoactive drugs to function normally, I always will. I have been psychotic wanting anything that would help, been in locked units for months and still been in denial. Ive been thru many rock bottoms, Ive been in ups and downs, suicidal many times, worked many recoveries. I have spent months at a time in locked units. I have a job, this book, peace of mind, sane beliefs ,the power and sense to cope at a high level. I am a cashier who has to talk to hundreds of customers a day, I have a boss and many responsibilities like handling and processing thousands of dollars a day. I read a lot. I smoke tobacco. I wish I didnt drink or that I accepted it and was happy to drink, but it troubles me and I try to quit, but I dont use it to function and I am not but a once a week drinker at most. I quit drugs, and I have slipped here and there. But in 4 years I have gotten better at quitting my bad habits, gotten more responsible, better at work, matured, written this book because I still continue upwards. I didnt even imagine that my life could be this much better and that I could cope and function, and mature so much. This is more than I prayed for. From age 17 to age 28 I always had at least a few delusions, most of the time there were many every day with hallucinations, and all the effects. In 2003 I began my recovery and will always use it and will always build in it. Me now: I consider being happy and content while having a low paying job, living in a board and care, recently staying sober, having a poor education, having no car, no girlfriend, a mental illness, being a drug addict who doesnt use, having no kitchen, being overweight, and knowing I could be happy if it stayed the same is how I consider myself a success. But I have been writing a book for years, and always trying to better myself and my situation. Ill finish at college and have a career, and Ill find the right lady, aspiring to more is the other part that makes me a success.

In Na and AA you learn that success isnt measured in wealth or clean time, it is measured in how the person feels and lives on the inside. You can be a quiet, nervous man on the outside, poor, with just a little clean time, and what goes on inside when compared to the social, outgoing rich man with a lot of clean time is what counts. Why I am this type of success, is because I believe in myself. I trust my sanity, and recovery, and my outward success: holding a job for two and a half years and counting, my personal goals which I have been accomplishing, writing a book about the most confusing and important topic I ever encountered on my own and really working hard on it and my job, making new friends, becoming a much more outgoing person, I have read more books, written more work, worked hard at my job, stayed sober and drug free so much better, made friends, enjoyed life more, saved money much better, I have not had any obligation to write this book, but feel like I have become a hard working man because of it, I worked harder applying my full self much more than I ever did in any school. Ive been doing most of these things day after day for years. And doing all of this when I could have done so much less, makes it sweeter. I have been disciplined by myself to work at things that are hard even when just having a job and drinking on the weekend was all there was on my plate. Through my last year of drinking I changed my attitude on it. Doing so made some inner stress, and enough of that and I quit. Lately I am making myself think about how I should use this time of my life to lose 50 pounds. I have lost about ten so far. I have to believe if I look at my track record for only the last 4 years, I have changed everything I wanted to. I can be optimistic because I know what it depends on, me. And all my outward success pales compared to my inner success. Much higher self esteem, better sense of self identity, ten times more confidence, inner peace, inner gratitude, a strong discipline, dogged determination, better symptom recognition, acceptance and coping. I am sane. I am friendly, generous, right, real and grounded in reality. I am honest, I am not ashamed of myself, I feel wiser, humorous, and like myself and think I am a good guy. When God and my illness fought over me: Things were not always so In 2003 I prayed to God, that if any part of me wanted to live to save me now I gave up, turned it all over in defeat, spent, I was going to smash my scull on the cot in my cell, but immediately after I prayed aloud, God or the biggest coincidence in my life, depending on what you believe, I was unconscious right after the last word of my plea and surrender came out of my mouth. 2003 was when a fighter named Packy was beaten. And he was tough but his life was tougher still. I have seen things and done things that others cant see or imagine. Life got hard after I was overwhelmed by my illness at 17. In all the years from 1994-2003 I was insane. There were times I was more in reality, times I took medicine, worked recoveries, I always was ready to leave to another existence, no matter how good things were. My illness, makes me produce hallucinations, and all kinds of senses , and over the years different parts of me evolved into my identity. I had killed thousands of foul creatures, and fighters, seen demons, had visions, believed I had an army, I was nuts okay? Things that I consider my mistakes: Childhood and teenage years.

I thought I wasnt going to need to apply myself until I was a man with a job. I didnt dream of being anyone that I wasnt just going to be. I did not aspire to being anything but funny, cool and tough as a kid. So I didnt learn about sports music and cars, rather I drifted to opinions that were based on little. Being tough, cool, and funny were things I could work on as a kid to teenager years, things I felt were really important. As a result I didnt apply myself to doing my chores, getting close to my family, dreaming about a normal life, my art, applying myself to my education, taking any chances with girls, I didnt know who I would end up as while I drifted, and I believe not knowing who you are trying to become is a huge cause of shyness, quietness, people pleasing, drug use, alcohol abuse, and not building a good set of values and morals. It didnt take any inner argument to use drugs and didnt think I would be a drug addict or a loser from them, they were entertaining. Yet, I recall at 12 I could tell you I wasnt going to ever once use drugs, my education said not to but my education was not of value to me, so I didnt hesitate when I saw friends being cool, that was something I was into. My knowing drugs were for losers, was compromised in a nanosecond when it clashed with being cool, or being a social, wise pothead, being hilarious while drunk and stoned, for a shy quiet kid who didnt know who he was going to be, having a ball and being so cool was now an obsession. I was living life now, I was on to what was the life. I threw myself away for a dream of being a man who had a few girlfriends, was totally tough and cool, who could get the panties off any chick, and always has parties and everybody thought he was so friggin cool, and grew his own weed, had an easy job, and controlled the drugs and wasnt dependent on them. Now I knew who I wanted to be. So I made the mistake of putting impulses and feelings ahead of education. I had lost myself to be someone I wasnt, and then I started using LSD. I went nuts at a party and the months after. I had a lot of mistakes and opportunities in the years after high school, I was mostly crazy, and since I wanted my dream my craziness got worse. I messed up with some lovely women, lost a job in Australia that I could work every winter, got kicked out of the Navy, punched my father, wasted years with drugs drinking and being nuts. I couldnt hold a job, couldnt stay away from drugs, I had law problems, I trashed an apartment, hurt people I cared about, and all that shit made becoming who I am now all the more hard. I had many rock bottoms, many hard times. I screwed up recoveries with drugs, shitty sanity and shitty reality until I worked the recovery in this book. Some delusions lasted years. Sometimes I had so many I was in pain. I was in pain, anger, confusion, instability, escaping and denying things. I have been hospitalized many times, swearing each was the last. I worked hard and achieved some success, and a tiny bit of self destructive old habits, and I had to start all over. In all the other recoveries I had no complete success. I needed to have something in my mind that I could continually build on and know. But I was crazy for over a decade. I did not feel right. I did not know the reality in a way I could trust it, so I saw and heard many things that were not there. My mistakes were not accepting myself in the eyes of others, using drugs, not accepting myself and my reality through my eyes. My mistakes were many but these are the ones I can see that had to do with my illness. Can you relate? Do you deny yourself to be cool? Have you ever? Have your dreams from childhood changed when you discovered drugs? Who are you now? Who were you at 14? There had to be some serious mistakes to account for the way they are so different now. Or has it all been your desire to be who you are now?

My life is different because I found a way to keep sanity in my brain, a way to re-believe in the real things-reality, fight delusions, handle bad days, avoid symptoms, be stronger than them, I trust myself to stay sane. Do you?

What I want to say to Staff That you can honestly tell a patient; Recovery from mental illness is hard and it takes a lot of courage. And shoot down any contributions from anyone without a degree or title is one thing, not having a single book to guide me through my recovery, no steps that everyone was working says one thing to me. It tells me that no one who could do it thinks there is need for such, or they dont believe mental illness is a problem that can be put into words. Well what kind of sense does that make? If I am in the system, and can admit I am delusional, should I wait for help in the group therapies, none of which are fixing the issue of sanity and my delusions, the education groups, the whole recovery seems to be missing what I need. Hearing reality second hand does not equate to giving it to us, teach us to locate it, rebuild, support, nurture, grow, and use it to destroy our madness. Reality is the one thing you the staff have that we do not, and it is a big part of recovery, never bring it without putting it out there. That is the biggest mistake of the mental health system. It isnt a subject you should neglect with us. It is not at all impossible or foolish to think that reality and how to get there can be written like anything else, and that there should be. Any problem that they agree is complicated as this one needs steps, and all kinds of solid instruction and you cant do it unless you earn trust and prove yourself up to the task by making sense of things relevant. Because if such a book were to have been put in my hands, without the author having kept that in mind I would not have read it. This problem of mental illness, requires a book, and the author must have experience. This is another reason. Let me tell you what this book is: It is equipment to me that was hard won. I use it, learnt it by struggling for years. It allows me to forget I have a mental illness, not all the time, but sometimes but remain in reality nonetheless. I work a real job, and am happy even if nothing changes in my life. It leaves nothing out that has ever helped me, and so it is years of recovery. I consider myself very successful in life because I know where I have been in dealing with my mental illness, I dont need to achieve anything else in my book. My biggest issues with the system is that there is a large percent in every hospital, in and out patient who are still very delusional, and they will be tomorrow too. And I can tell you why: the recovery taught makes no solid goals, and no clear picture of the goal. You would be amazed to hear what many are working for, and that is because you dont take the time to what I see as your best asset: you can teach reality, they hunger for it. In all my treatment there were no groups aimed at exploring and teaching reality. So my goal was to be happy, cheerful, and be good at delusional abilities, years into a recovery. I feel that the impression you get in the system is that it is ok to have what some would say are delusional beliefs and that being happy, kind, assertive, managing anger, and optimistic, in other words the patients know they are crazy, and becoming all these things is the cure. I dont like the idea of changing personalities while sanity is left to luck. So, dont tell me I am brave, and then because it doesnt make sense to you, you give me no book, and then you throw the theme that who I am naturally isnt right and changing myself while still insane is a recovery that

makes sense. Where is the book about common delusions, and written ways for getting over them? Where is the book for ways to avoid and not get upset by hallucinations? Where is the book that makes me go through a recovery and teaches sanity and reality to me, so that I am not just destined to get that stability we see when meds are working, but the man is still quite crazy? There are at least twenty good books that need to be written about this stuff. And that means you adjust your curriculum. If a man can write a book about this stuff, that is amazing. So be optimistic that it might even work wonders for some, because I know it is your job, but it is my problem, and cant you see that this whole book is as valuable as giving another person a recovery that has worked. And if there were some who said it didnt work, there would be some value to hear another relate sanity that there would be much in the body of the book whether or not the whole thing worked, it is still a recovery turned into paper and it still will be valuable to those who the entire recovery doesnt work for. I feel like I am spearheading an important change in recovery. You all work so hard at helping us, you must know and believe recovery is possible. So how come there is no book or steps? You dont think there should be one or something. But we get handouts all about changes in the personality, I am giving change in recovery for someone with delusions and I think it is badly wanted and needed. This change is a reality in my life and it shows how I have done it. So if you cant explain why there is no ordered, structured recovery from madness that readers can see how it does work, and it makes sense and works, a recovery with sense, then stop and imagine what else the world has missed.

To the Parents or Loved Ones You are now an important part of your loved ones recovery. Talking about it with some knowledge is what you can gain with this book. And being able to talk knowingly with your loved one about the illness is just the beginning. You need to help with a few crucial things. Not getting involved is going to be bad. First you need to be as dogged as you were with foundational understandings. I guarantee you that if the patient is a loved one he is already trying to believe that he will take meds and figure out the problem in his head, and then he wont need the medicine anymore, and can party like everyone else. Drugs need to be banished permanently. Alcohol should go too. But the medicine needs to be taken for life, and you and he may think it is more manly to put the illness behind you and try without medication. It is actually more manly for one to see that nothing he thought of got him out of his problem while he was in a downward spiral, and there can be many more of them. The medication doesnt solve the problem of mental illness, but it helps so much that it is necessary. Millions of patients take it because they need it, so flip flopping stances on how bad his illness was, will lead to a softer recovery, and the patient can find himself in a year back in a hospital and still thinking he isnt crazy. This isnt because people with a mental illness are stupid. We are prone to large amounts of denial in order to be able to see something there that our eyes do not see. All this understanding and recovery can be hardened by communication. You want the patient to know that he has a condition in his brain, and medicine makes a crucial part of a recovery that allows one to look back and make sense of it all. That is something we want and cant

stop tying unless we understand some things, and telling them that accepting the truths as dark as they are, taking the meds, quitting the partying, working hard, is how you can look back in a year feeling normal and make sense of all of it is a good incentive and it is true. The only way to beat mental illness and be able to go back and make sense out of it, is to no longer bend facts, deny, or sabotage your recovery by not accepting your illness. Communication again, is strongest coming from those who know and until you do know your input, regardless of how much you love him, is a lot of nagging pressure about something he doesnt want to think about. So, accepting the illness as life long, is better than believing youll be off meds and be a great person in a year, because doing a recovery about something you have accepted for life, which it is, is not a rush, and a humbling is needed for one who is barely out of denial of believing they were so important, not because big egos are not cool, because denial is like an onion and layers grow back if you dont also quit denying the world and reality, because if you came out of denial of your illness, you can still be so egotistical as to think you can figure all the problem out and get off medicine, because that denial in the ego is still denial of the reality. Knowing your loved ones delusion will give you the ability to know when he is straying from reality, knowing you can help is important. If you manage to pull him out of one delusion, you gain credibility to him. Talk and talk, be a protective parent, and read this book. The Difficulties and Importance of Making One who is Insane Aware of it, and What goes On Now: How does one convince someone-else they are not in reality? You must think about how they are situated and act with that in mind. And the way it is acted on in todays system is not just wrong, it angers and upsets me. So lets all really be sure and know once and for all with finality: Is the mental health system which treats our brothers and sisters, moms , dads, and children, is it doing as good a job as one would expect, and if not how should it do better, Ok? I am enrolling you to simply hear my testimony, out of everything you have to do today, can you make the time to here our problem now, or do you all put it off for the next time it comes up? If it ever will Good. So to get into a core concept of why the mental health system is flawed I show you by making you return to the first question. How does one convince another he is not in reality? If he isnt aware of it himself, it isnt just like telling someone who isnt aware that his shoes arent tied. And since he isnt aware of being insane, and he should be because he is fricken nuts, how do you explain that to yourself let alone him? That question and answering it holds much proof as to someone who knows something about insanity, for knowing it and helping one with it need each other. The person that can explain why an insane person can go on being insane, and not knowing they are crazy can tell you the way to explain to someone crazy, something of much importance that people need to know about insanity. He is not choosing to deny it, denial is not a character flaw or stubbornness to face a grim reality. Often many think such things, but to one of experience the patients denial is giving him his psychotic distress, man- handling him. It presents a problem in which the outer defenses of rational problems are presenting their problems, denial can bypass reality tests and most of the time seem to provide their reality credentials. Denial wont tell you a giant

spider is outside. It will make the patient know what the spider wants, has come from, who sent it, its proximity, its speed. And you can say that is an ill mind, well, you are witnessing denial at its form as it affects mentally ill it is a strong force which holds many parts of our life in its hands and it has been like that for a long time, the same denial, insanity that can convince one that a giant spider is outside, let alone all kinds of shit about it, is not a thing that only acts up once in a great while. Until the patient can say it is all crazy, it is a possession. Now the years can go by and he still cant say he is crazy, is that a part of this madness denial insanity thing that possess him? Yes. All of the craziness is not remising or shrinking, it only festers if it is still real to the man, he can have much stability from meds, be able to say he is doing better, and when after the last two events didnt make him go nuts but the third does, if a thing were believed once, it is more likely to pop back into the active slower than the man sees, because he hasnt been regulating reality for coming out of denial with references, he just got better on meds, socialization, but not all of his illness was realized for what it was and it has festered, creeping in in little tests and breaks in his defenses, and something major upsets him and that is when he believes his illness struck, but much prep work goes into his state that he didnt manage. If you or I saw a clown appear out of no where and shoot a laser beam, I would not be frazzled as you would. I would be entertained by a hallucination. You would for a moment be between believing it and getting worried about your mental health and dismissing it as a symbolic burp from your stressed out mind. It would probably keep you up. If you were overwhelmed with similar things, would your action be to declare yourself crazy? And what if you began fighting those clowns? And what if you won? Craziness responds to your reactions. We dont go around believing a lot of nonsense for the hell of it. In a crazy person not out of denial, he would immediately respond giving it 100 percent existence in his life. If he is a popped out mind, he is in denial of himself, reality, God, is so crazy, that he is being crazy in a crazy reality, his own. That he continues in life breaking thru all the rules, realitys, normal possibilities, killing Devils, saving the world, it would seem he is denial itself. So far to go from believing LSD gave me a psychic feel, to being Savior of the Universe, killing several Satans, being Gwen Steffanis lover, killing thousands of evil people and creatures, saving groups of people, being able to time travel, being King Arthur, being older than God, being savior of the Universe. If I wasnt denial in action, I would not have been able to achieve so much, breaking limits and rules. How can one do all that if it were just regular denial? Because if you were in denial of sight, you would be blind, but being in denial of reality means you are in denial of insanity, and that opens the door and the two dance. You then will eventually not really be the same person to yourself. Denial will always connect insanity to the person unless it is fought as a force that it is inside one who when he has a hallucination is in denial of what his eyes see and instead see a great red dragon. And that understanding of illness and denial is not the foundation for treating one in the system. Often people stay in denial. Often others stay in for a long time, like me. How many suicidal people were in denial? I tell you more than you would think. That I didnt get out of denial is not my argument against the system, it is that in a span over ten years I was not challenged more than a little, I wasnt challenged to get out of denial by a taught recovery ever, or taught reality so that I could do it myself! These two need to be foundation, major staples of a recovery from insanity, if not they arent being treated like people but cattle. To then see the focus of the system so intent on telling us whom are still in denial, and not in

reality that changing who we are will help, thats the part that kills me. Recover means returning to a healthy state, these people are taught to repress themselves, and fester insanity, by trying to be a challenging thing for one who is insane, a great social version of yourself. So they help denial by putting such an impossible task in as our priority, when we are stable from keeping our mind occupied, our meds, our structure, our socialization, but are unable to explain why we are better, and how, other than by trying hard, learning about being a better person and taking medication, when we feel we are better we havent gotten better, and sooner or later we wont be feeling better, or worse, the illness can adapt, if it needs meds, you could say it is physical biological state, as well as a mental state, I say it is also a memory, denial, identity, reality illness. Not just moods, medication, socialization, structure, here is my point: How many treated crazy people would describe things you dont believe? So they are still in denial right? And how much recovery is spent on reality and denial as a subject? Those are pretty important for crazy people who want to one day live a normal life. Frankly I think it is a major missing component, and it means the world for the success of a recovery. Your recovery is getting started, how well it prepares is up to you. By stopping and considering where you are, and what you can be certain of, you take an open minded take on this and give it all honest thought. Reality If I put a cup on a table, and two people were sitting there, and I asked them what they saw, and one says he sees a cup and the other says he sees shapes and forms, shade and light, colors and hues, they are both seeing a cup. And if we looked at a piece of the cup under an electron microscope the scientist could see spinning particles making up the cup which is solid until you look with the eyes of an electron microscope, they all see a cup. If one of those men was dying of thirst, how would he see the cup? If the other man were a bar tender would he see it differently? They all see a cup, they all do not respond the same, because they are not the same. With pressures acting and environments and rules of reality and nature one can perceive the same thing totally differently. Your brain chemistry is not right. Your experiences have not been right, and as a result your perspective and perception, your beliefs are not right. Think of the worst, scariest thing that has happened to you lately and imagine if it happened but you never believed it, you would not have suffered so. At one point I believed all of these things were as real as daylight, now I can say this about them:. I never interacted with people on TV or the Radio. I wont know about the spirit world, after life, until I am dead. I never brought anything real back from the spirit world. I cant time travel. I cant be in two places at the same time. I cant travel dimensions. I have no army or followers. The only energy I get is from my body. I am not telepathic.

I dont have super powers. I dont know what my soul looks like. I cant kill someones soul. I cant have sex with a woman who isnt with me. I cant read minds. I cant fly. I cant see souls. I cant hear thoughts except my own. I cant destroy reality and expect to live in it happily. I never had a real second spiritual life. If you disagree, ask yourself if you once believed what I am telling you, for this is a challenge to your illness and denial, to your chaotic world, and if you once did believe it, keep that reality in mind, for when I am thru , you may be returning there on your own power. Sight: Eyes and mental images, are all that is. You arent God so dont live by mental images. But use them when it is natural. When they occur without purpose, and you believe them, you are having a delusion with a hallucination. I dont have psychic vision, spiritual vision, I have hallucinations that dont care if they make me think I am psychic or holy, as long as they can rob me of my time they wouldnt care if they made me think I was God, they just want the easiest way to posses and control me. I cant concentrate my soul into a powerful tool of sight and know whats really there, I cant even brush my teeth or pick my nose with my soul. Dont mix desire and real power up with each other. Hearing: Sometimes I hear myself think, I hear with my ears, I cant brush my teeth with my soul, in fact where is it? So no I dont hear with my soul, or psychically. When your mind has a part of itself that makes things difficult, you can deny it and it can take advantage of that and make you believe things while you deny you are getting your ass kicked and having a bad day and there is no one else to point the finger at, so when it starts acting with cunning intent making you think what your hearing is why you are struggling and you arent struggling with anyone or anything so to buy what it makes you think is easier. The problem we all have is a distorted self awareness, and distorted stability. When a guy is hearing things that he doesnt want to hear, he finds it difficult to blame his own mind, we like to think we control our minds very well. But the distorted self awareness is that we dont know what all the layers, all the parts of your mind are doing. When you have a mental illness, the distorted stability will work with that so sounds coming from your own mind are magnified so that even when you dont give a shit if they are true, or real, or all delusional, they command attention anyways. Taking all the beliefs out of them, learning to help yourself think and focus with them, and eventually not miss a beat, is their defeat. Gravity: No I cant fly. See how many times you broke the rule of gravity in delusions. Power: I had an empire and army, but later when I needed them I realized I didnt know the

generals phone number,or his nameor any of them. My soul had all kinds of power, like one timeI uhshot fireballs, lightning, read minds, fought demons..I mastered electricity I never saw any of my victims die, not with my eyes, with my soul I saw all of them die..I found ways of gaining power from enemies I killed, nature, electricity, food, you can see I had so much power that today I write to tell you all not to bother with it because it is crazy, .its my plan.. When you all ignore all the power it will be mine!!!! Just joking. It was all crazy as shit, all of it. When you use all your powers at once on the worst enemy you have that is a real person, but you dont touch, yell or let him know anything is going on, a once and for all, all or nothing attack, his life wont be changed at all. When you realize all the power you have doesnt affect anything, you realize it is true for everybody else. So your safe. And all those powers do is drive you crazy. So, power, sight, hearing, recap: You see with your eyes and imagination. You dont have second sight, spiritual sight, or psychic sight. We are figuring we have a mental illness, and imagine how much will change. Think about how reality changes when you can only see it with eyes or its your imagination, or it is a hallucination. Think about all the chaos and violence that prevents! Same with hearing. And all your power, your followers, your super powers, prove they are crazy, and you dont live in the violent chaotic, crazy world where you used them, because if the powers are bullshit, the results are bullshit, so all the reasons for the fights are bullshit. Life and reality isnt crazy, not really, not like it has been for you. Spiritual warfare: Your soul,. does it ever leave a pile of shit on the floor? Has it ever given you anything real you can hold? Has it controlled you? Like taking your thoughts and peace of mind away while you fought? Here is a huge fact for you: Nobody really does anything with their soul, no body ever brought anything real back with them from the spirit world, leave it alone till your dead. And then it isnt up to us, it will be up to us as spirits whom are different than the living. Your spiritual warfare, start proving it is crazy. You dont run around outside of your body, instead there is a crazy guy standing there witnessing nothing. So basically I think we can wrap it up: You see with your eyes, hear with your ears, you can listen to your inner-monologue, imagine things and picture them, what you and your illness did was take those two powers and run wild and now you dont have control or the ability to separate them from what is real, so if you see it with your eyes in the real world it is real, and dont sit there having conversations with people in your mind, because you need to hear with your ears and the only one in your head should be you. All the powers we thought we had, we had in our mind, not in reality where we are trying to go, so put them all down and get your ass over here! We never killed anybody, we dont have a second spiritual life, the soul is for when we die. It might not even be as important as we make it out to be, just quit fussing over it. The point is, we dont have hair salons that cut our souls hair. We dont have soul police to get you for spiritual fighting. We have Soul Train. Get Down! Can you now see the most important thing about what I have been guiding you to see? Would life be better if number 1 were true, or number 2 were true? 1. We can see and hear with our eyes and ears, and obviously our mind can put on quite a show, or we wouldnt have been crazy. We dont have any power to hunt for, no lightning, fireballs, psychic powers, we dont do things with our soul while we are alive, we dont run around fighting and fucking. So you imagine if all those rules could be true.

Or would life be easier if these were true:

2. You are psychic, telepathic, have super powers, an army, power, spiritual warfare is real, you see the spirit world, can you see how believing all this has affected yourself, and your reality and life? It is very real , I know, but that is a good point, it would suck if it were all true, you proved it! So my point was to get you to see how beliefs about reality affect the world you perceive and live in, and affect you. So beliefs determine your life even if they arent true. And reality can be so different to the point of horror because belief transcends reality many times, and reality transcends beliefs many times. Getting to the balancing point, where your beliefs and reality are mostly the same, is when you have it best. When your beliefs and reality are not the same or even close to the same, is when you are craziest. So your goal is to find reality, and have beliefs that keep you in the balance. Reality is Earth, Gravity, Time, Life, Physics, Chemistry, You dont break the limits of conventional reality, you break your grip on reality. Psychics---on TV rarely,.if it isnt all bullshit. I have never met one, and when I thought I was psychic what amazing thing did I do to use it? I wasnt doing anything that anybody couldnt do it was all just a powerful tool of my illness to mess me up. -----This brings a fact of reality and mental illness and human nature to mind: If you open your mind to the possibility, commit a part of your mind to studying, or try hard enough on a thing that isnt real, or is so rare, or that you do not posses, if you take a dynamic thing that cant be seen, cant be fed, cant be controlled by the other dynamics of your reality then you have opened yourself to another dynamic that you had better be able to control: your own mind. When you are walking thru a dark alley and a man is up ahead, you allow a part of yourself to build bad possibilities about him, by the time you pass you are trying not to. Superstition, fears, obsessions, paranoia, made you uncomfortable to the extent that if you see the man out in the day, the imprint is still a paranoid feeling. And you thought, well there you go. Put your sanity and mind, the way the neurons are set, and imagine if you and a thousand had no choice but to become psychic or die in the worst tortureImagine how many would go crazy. Imagine how many would convince themselves that they were psychic.. Imaginenow just what you put at stake by experimenting with a dynamic like psychic powers, is your sanity, your layout of the mind, dont go there. Try instead to be a competent normal person with good attributes and be less tripped out, wonder why you are a tripped out basket case sometimes? Shit like trying to be psychic is stupid and not sane. Sane is the way you are meant to be, psychic therefore is insane. Name the billionaire psychic. See, do you the majority of the time have just one thing on your mind? I dont I am always handling lots of things and in many layers. I believed I had read many minds, now? No. I dont think in a way that is meant for anyone else, first of all. I work like a computer, imagine if someone read my mind, right now, would he say the words I just wrote or would he say I had a banana on my mind. I dont pay attention to all my thoughts, no one does, I live in my mind. It is huge! I for these rational reasons, dont believe in mind reading, I dont believe in a guy who can sit there and be someone else while being himself too, cause to experience what I am thinking is to be connected to the giant machine that only I am, it is psychical, chemical, memory, soul and it is all me. Dont try to be psychic, your staring against the walls

of reality. You are not a super hero, a prophet, you are your parents child. End all your roles, and identities that arent really lived in reality. Holding on to them was a mistake I made, it makes the whole craziness have an easy route to you. Think of reality as the reason that when you fall off a skateboard, you skin your knee. Think of reality as the reason you couldnt move objects with your mind. Think of reality as the reason that the sky is blue, think of reality as A very important thing like A way God expresses himself and get to know it as a higher power. Think of reality as a subject to study for the rest of your life. Think of it as an idea, and a memory. Think of it as the past, present and future, and try to imagine what life would be without reality..freedom, or chaos? Would you exist if there were no reality? What are dreams? What is dj vu? What you need to know Before you decide that I have not convinced you that you have a serious mental illness, you need to know I have only been working up to get you ready to be convinced. Getting you to agree is hard work and read about Reality and my attempt to get you out of denial first, because that is where I put it to your denial. When wanting peace of mind, less rage, less pain, wanting to feel less like a freak, wanting life to feel right, wanting to feel safe, wanting to know how to feel better, know what went wrong, you must stop and consider the following: First of all you need to identify what all those things are in a life. They are all Sanity issues. You have been trying to achieve all this and failing. Desperately so. What has been going on does not agree with you. And how many miraculous cures have you tried, how many were plain crazy? You want these things, have tried crazy ways of getting them. Do you know why they all arent with you? Why you are trying to obtain them? Because you are crazy, that is why you tried crazy attempts to get them which failed because they were crazy, because you are crazy. You cant ever get better from being crazy, which causes all these problems, without accepting that you are crazy. Without properly seeing yourself as having a mental illness, being delusional, being psychotic, all of which mean being crazy, you can enjoy better times, but they wont be as lasting, as effective as if you properly are able to apply the meaning of the word crazy to any thing no matter how important secret or holy it is in your life. It is your first step. And it is absolutely mandatory and important to do it right. How many recoveries have I failed? I dont know. I failed them because I could say I was crazy and take medicine, but I could not accept being crazy all the way through. It is hard when a part of you is excited about something to tell your whole self; no, it is probably crazy, and if I am not sure I shouldnt take it on in the first place without knowing. Accepting you are crazy is to accept that you really didnt save the world, and that many events will happen that arent real. That means you arent who you think you are, it is hard to swallow, but worth it, and necessary, for not to swallow is to not accept your being crazy, and accept that the situation will last indefinitely, dont accept that for your anger and pride. Dont deny yourself things as important as peace of mind and sanity and simple reality because you cant accept the change from hero to deluded. The hero should see that he can be a hero by giving his all to ensure you get what you are dying for. You take the whole you, tell yourself it all cant be real. All the things you want shouldnt feel so unattainable if they

were real. You would accept your misery if all those things were real. Dont be double billed, misery for the way it is and was, and no solution or answer for changing it. It is a possession that can kill you. It has been getting there. That is where it wants to take you, that are what all this is, but accepting your sanity and reality as the tattered things they are is traveling the opposite way, back to the good things youve been searching for. Try to leave as much insanity behind as you can, because reality doesnt support madness as you have been learning. You could say your whole problem was you couldnt go completely crazy, I mean that because all I wanted for so long was to permanently exist in what I now see was my delusional world, I tried to get there, youve been trying to make reality, biology, chemistry, work for you while trying to live fully in delusions, while a part of you got dragged thru all the shit and is seeking relief. Take worlds, a lifetime of relief and denounce the craziness, for it cant be controlled or predicted, but it will try as it has been to lure you in telling you youre so powerful and important. And like everything youve experienced in the state of madness havent you learned that you cant trust anything or anyone, so dont trust your illness, your delusions, your source of all your problems of consequence. You can be king one day, and the next day, you can be a bloody pulp. That is craziness pounding the nails on your coffin my friend. If it could do it once, imagine how bad it could be in five years, it might be enough traumas to make you kill someone or yourself, youre not a machine, your flesh and bone, stop all the crusades, all the madness, because it takes one of the heaviest tolls youll ever find. Being able to see now that you are crazy more than you thought when they first brought you here, is what I am making my point. If your feelings that you have sanity issues has grown, and it now applies to more of you, that is hugely important. If you have accepted your illness, I bet it has become a more serious issue as you learnt more about it and reality, and what it is doing. It is this case of already knowing one is crazy, but after a lot of thinking ,reading, relating with me, one can apply more meaning to his label of being crazy, he knows the problem better. Or it is hearing the truth for the first time. Or it is learning for the fisrt time, about the illness, which I treat like a demon, I know even if you are a first timer, an illness like a demon cant stop the likes of you. So imagine if you keep going in this direction, it is a problem only coming in to focus, to fix it you keep studying and learning and then you change, then you upkeep and resist. Youve gainmed huge ground by reading a book! I know denial is a MF so here is some help. You really need to read this for I made my point that I could make you realize that you need and could apply the craziness to more of your life and any part of it can be affected. Why? Because craziness about inconsequential things are harder to spot, when it is something with a lot of meaning, or we want to believe in it, or we have believed in it so long and so much has been based on it, all these situations are harder to spot but they are also more important and more controlling. Now read this because I have really only thus far helped one to see that they should work a recovery, as for getting you all the way out of denial thats where we are right now. Step 1. Learning; you have been doing it: Have you learnt that what you seek is sanity? I hope so, but know some cant yet see that. I also know you can know you need sanity but until you hear where you are insane, your recovery is only desire for a better life without the

problems keeping you from reaching it. You need to know what in your life is crazy otherwise you will remain doing, believing, and living delusions, youll remain un-recovered. So to show you are crazy seeking reality and sanity, and to help speed you up on your way to knowing what you are living as delusions which keep you from recovering, I give you Reality and delusions the way if you wonder what recovery feels like, relax, youve been doing it by reading with honesty, think of how much youve finally accomplished. When wanting peace of mind, less rage, less pain, wanting to feel less like a freak, wanting life to feel right, wanting to feel safe, wanting to know how to feel better, know what went wrong, you must stop and consider the following: You have been trying to achieve all this and failing. Desperately so. What has been going on does not agree with you. And how many miraculous cures have you tried, how many were plain crazy? You want these things, have tried crazy ways of getting them. Do you know why they all arent with you? Why you are trying to obtain them? Because you are crazy, that is why you tried crazy attempts to get them which failed because they were crazy, because you are crazy. You cant ever get better from being crazy, which causes all these problems, without accepting that you are crazy. It is your first step. And it is absolutely mandatory and important to do it right. How many recoveries have I failed? I dont know. I failed them because I could say I was crazy and take medicine, but I could not accept being crazy all the way through. It is hard when a part of you is excited about something to tell your whole self, no, it is probably crazy, and if I am not sure I shouldnt take it on in the first place without knowing. Accepting you are crazy is to accept that you really didnt save the world, and that many events will happen that arent real. That means you arent who you think you are, it is hard to swallow, but worth it, and necessary, for not to swallow is to not accept your being crazy, and accept that the situation will last indefinitely, dont accept that for your anger and pride. Dont deny yourself things as important as peace of mind and sanity and simple reality because you cant accept the change from hero to deluded. The hero should see that he can be a hero by giving his all to ensure you get what you are dying for. You take the whole you, tell yourself it all cant be real. All the things you want shouldnt feel so unattainable if they were. You would accept your misery if all those things were real. Dont be double billed, misery for the way it is and was, and no solution or answer for changing it. It is a possession that can kill you. It has been getting there. That is where it wants to take you, that are what all this is, but accepting your sanity and reality as the tattered things they are is traveling the opposite way, back to the good things youve been searching for. Try to leave as much insanity behind as you can, because reality doesnt support madness as you have been learning. You could say your whole problem was you couldnt go completely crazy, I mean that because all I wanted for so long was to permanently exist in what I now see was my delusional world, I tried to get there, youve been trying to make reality, biology, chemistry, work for you while trying to live fully in delusions, while a part of you got dragged thru all the shit and is seeking relief. Take worlds, a lifetime of relief and denounce the craziness, for it cant be controlled or predicted, but it will try as it has been to lure you in telling you youre so powerful and important. And like everything youve experienced in the state of madness havent you learned that you cant trust anything or anyone, so dont trust your illness, your delusions, your source of all your problems of consequence. You can be king one day, and the next day, you can be a bloody pulp. That is craziness pounding the nails on your coffin my

friend. If it could do it once, imagine how bad it could be in five years, it might be enough traumas to make you kill someone or yourself, youre not a machine, your flesh and bone, stop all the crusades, all the madness, because it takes one of the heaviest tolls youll ever find. Denial: Part One. The trick to getting out of denial is accepting the truth, being open minded, good decision making, and getting a whole lot that will challenge your belief. You need to compare two piles of shit, or more. The one that matters the most is the truth, it is the biggest, most likely, unmysterious answer in this case. Lets say the problem is not bad times, unexplainable things and feelings, lets say that the problem is life. You will get piles that are attempts to solve the problem. Some piles of evidence are bigger than others. One pile that you may have dealt with at another time is that mental illness is to blame for life being a problem. One pile is that if you could leave this world to a magic place you would be ok. One pile is that you are weak. One pile is that youre so strong. One pile is that you are so special and important that life is a problem, and so on. I am going to make the pile that says mental illness is to blame bigger, and the others will shrink. I wont be doing that, you will, actually, I am just making you change your mind. To begin with, the problem of life not being right, was not always so. Think back to childhood and early teen years. I know some get mental illness as a child, this will still help you just as much, and it just helps me help others that had a normal childhood better. As a kid thru teen years I did not have a problem with life, not a major one. In comparison life was very pure and special, uncorrupted, now how is yours in comparison with your good years? That is a vein you need to explore with me. Now that the two are so different, perhaps explaining what differences in you there are will explain why life was good before and not now. Exercise: Write about all the differences in your life as it is now compared to healthy, younger days. To do this use things that make you different from who you were. Example: In my youth I was not psychic, telepathic, Holy, a warrior, fighting Evil, etc. And I did not control my thoughts or moods back then. I did not trip out thru life as I do now. And I knew my reality as a constantly solid thing, now I never know what might happen. Before your life was bad, chaotic, violent, special, and all this.were you completely the same person? What I want is for you to see is that while you are the same person, you are not the same person. Confused? Look, when you were a kid, how did you feel about drinking and drugs? Now? Were you going to be a smoker? Now? Were you going to save the world? Now? Were you sure about the type of person you wanted to grow up to be back when you were a kid, and did that person you wanted to be go thru changes too? For example, I just wanted to have fun, be a hero, be tough, be smart, be funny, and be a good friend and husband. That was elementary school. Later, I just wanted to be average at school, good at sports, funny, cool, and average at work, and tough. That was junior high. Then I just wanted to be cool and tough. That was

teen years. Then I didnt give a shit anymore about being any of it except being cool. That was when drugs came. And then all I wanted was relief, escape from my-self, this existence, and the world, and satisfaction. That was when I was crazy. Now I want to be smart, I am funny, am nice, am tough, and I love my job, I want to be happier, wiser, more responsible, more active, get back in shape, and continue to find satisfaction, achieve goals, and when I have something to offer, be a good husband and father. I just want to be good, productive, and be what I feel I should be. You are also different from who you were before in your reality. I did not deal with psychic anything before my first bad time. During my illness it was as real a part of my reality that it affected how I felt in that reality, and how I saw myself. There are scores of such differences. Spiritual-warfare. E.S.P., super powers, talking to God, Fighting demons, telepathy, being many different things at the same would that affect any reality? Not good, right? Now. before you go any farther, there may be some unfinished business: Did you ever use hallucinogens? Did you ever feel crazy? Did you ever get diagnosed for a mental illness? Did you ever get better from a mental illness? Does it run in your family? Did you ever use other hard drugs? Those establish if being nuts is more likely, or happened before. Chances are if it happened, it still is, but dont worry, we will fix it right this time. Now before you start to deny being crazy, answer these questions: Why are you here? What was happening? How did it feel? Could you live like that forever? Were you suicidal? Did you see Evil spirits, or start reading minds? Did you see anything that you could not see with your eyes, but couldnt not see it anyways? Were you linked to other people? Do you see that these types of things, would be very upsetting and you have been trying to be calm about them? When did reality change? Did you notice? Those questions remind you that you were trying your hardest, but because you were part of

the problem you were in a rock bottom. Now I will describe common delusions that I experienced. You are psychic You are telepathic You are spiritual You are Holy You have a spiritual correspondence with others You have an army You talk to God You fight evil You can see spirits You can kill souls-spiritual warfare You interact with people on the radio and TV You can sense things You can talk to animals You can control people You can time travel You can be in more than one place at the same time. You have a spiritual vehicle You speak languages like coughing, or in electricity, etc. You are an enforcer/soldier of good, and you have done some of that You are the chosen one You are Jesus You are Satan You are a saint If life sucked and you can say that, but cant believe you are crazy, well why and how did it suck? Exercise: Write your explanation of what has been happening if you believe or dont believe it is because you are crazy. Think of it as your best explanation of what brought you here, and as such compare it to my explanation of why you are here I believe you are here because your life has been changing, and you are confused and scared. I believe you have been changing. It feels like you are being pulled out of your only existence you ever knew by a force too strong, to strange, and it isnt a good change at all. But you cant seem to pin it down. With all the many factors, challenges, dangers you were just trying to survive it has not been easy to get a good picture of what is happening. You

feel, you arent at fault, so how could you be crazy? You feel you did right. And that would mean you never went nuts. That is wrong, my friend. All the decisions and actions you went through to save your life, fight evil, save people, are your interacting with crazy, because they were not real, and I know you will say they were. In your reality , they were real to you, that is different than saying in reality they were real. In your reality, you were presented with events and choices and you did the normal thing, you reacted. But, what if instead you had done nothing and more, what if you had just thought, reacted, and ignored all those things. If you had treated those events as though they were not real, where would you be right now? Here, no one who has ever been crazy, did so for the hell of it. And all of them, where would they all be if those events had been treated as though they were crazy? They wouldnt be crazy. Yet, they are. And so they like you have been thru hell, they thought they were doing right, and since they were doing everything right, being heroic too, they also could not believe they had gone crazy. Seeing that they would not have suffered so much, if they had not interacted with their perceived reality, had worked to deny, not believe, question, just live on instead of fighting, being so frantic trying this, or that, and if they hadnt been living it; a mental illness in their reality, if they had instated lived with a reality that was real, that is the lesson. Crazy people can live in the same reality everybody else does, but not everybody can live in a crazy reality. That is why you have been going thru Hell, because you need to get out of insanity, the insanity wants you, it came on sometimes suddenly, sometimes slowly, but subtle is its means to kill you. It seduced you, it even gives you things, and since it was there a while, it knows you, and it knows you are invested in it, your reality right now, is partly dependent on insanity, your identity, your soul, how it got so deep and so powerful is something that brings another point. If you can remember crying yourself to sleep like I did, did you ever allow yourself to dwell or explore the fact that you were going crazy, or like me did you push things out of mind and fight even harder? I remember one night as I as going crazy, that I thought I must be, the next day did I ask for any help? No. Years went by. I almost died many times. Recovery became harder and being crazy, I said crazy people can live in reality? Yes but I am different, and how do I feel when the topic comes up? And how do I explain why I live where I do, work the job I have, I lost ten years.

1.How often do you see things with your soul, your mind, psychically, things that you cant see without your eyes? Seeing demons, secrets, angels, anything that you go and believe is real that you plainly do not see with your eyes but you think you see them anyways, be it spiritually, in a vision, psychically etc, is a hallucination because it is a visual of active delusions like; I have psychic powers, I have a second life--spiritual, it appeared before me, I am a spiritual warrior and so seeing that way is part of it. I had so many hallucinations that they were normal for me because until I tackled the major core delusions of my illness many aspects of my ill life depended on hallucinations as unquestionable input, much of me did. I only had a dozen visions, and hundreds of hallucinations, but later when I realized the whole psychic and spiritual delusions were delusions, I realized that I had been being fooled by millions of hallucinations, senses, and could not have believed all kinds of crazy delusions without the

hallucinations. Being a gunslinger, a king etc, depended on a large amount of reliable hallucinations. 2. How often have you had to kill someones soul? Do the people drop dead? Are there soul police who come after you for killing a soul? If there is the risk of your soul dying, then life would include how to live 2 lives, but when have you been taught that you must kill souls that do wrong, how to see them, how to know what they are up to, the whole reality of souls is in the afterlife, not now. My time is now, flesh and blood, yielding a part of your mind to your soul is actually giving a part of yourself to your illness, because we dont use our souls here while we are alive, tell me, has your soul ever got up from your body and made you a peanut-butter sandwich, and you ate it? 3. How many times have you survived despite the odds being against you? Hercules! Hercules! If you are so damn, powerful and unstoppable, try to just have a good time, or is it impossible? Are your wars and battles part of the reason you were tripping so bad? I saved the whole planet in jail. It was all in my mind. It was traumatic. Have you killed demons? Giants, dragons, did you see them with your eyes, or are you in a mental hospital? It is a type of identity delusion that affects lots of people, grand-dos d3eluisons, believing your somehow stronger or special above others. Thats pretty easy when the people and things that prove you are occurring in your mind most of the time. 4. How many times have you had visions? SO all you have to do, is take each punch of reality from this section, and at the end you decide, if maybe your illness has a lot more of you than you thought. 5. How many times have you sensed something? The brain shouldnt be the boss for a mental patient, make reality as it affects senses you can trust, like sight and hearing, make reality your boss.. 6. How many times have you known what others are thinking? 7. How many demons have you killed? 8. How many spiritual wars have you been in? 9. How many times have you been diagnosed with a mental illness? 10 Do you use drugs? 11. Do you somehow cross dimensions and worlds? 12. How many times have you heard or saw things that werent there? 13. Have you ever been sure people were against you? 14. Have you ever had a bad trip? 15. Is your life violently chaotic? 16. Have you begged and prayed for a miracle cure, searched even tried to make one? 17. Can you add up all these answers and conclude that it is a mental illness? So, you wound up in a mental hospital. This may be years after or weeks after the first bad time. You may be aware of that time as it was a battle for your sanity, you may not. When it

began is not so hard to answer as when it ended, when did going nuts end? You now are being asked by everyone to snap out of something you had no idea you were under. Life was bad and scary, so you needed help. Your mind is the cause for it all. It is hard to pretend it isnt real when part of your own mind is feeding it down your throat. I had all these symptoms and problems, now I have none. Up until now you may not have known what the problem of mental illness was affecting. Basically it is making you paranoid, see and hearing things, delusional, violent, by convincing you of what is going on. Steps to gauge where you are with your denial, acceptance, awareness and education all of which tell you where you are with denial. You cant have accepted without at least getting out of step 2, and you cant be out of denial if you cant say your through all the steps and know all the answers. Think about all the challenges I have made to you, the world you live in, your reality, etc. Think about the questions and answers, has it all made the pile of shit that says your major problems are because of mental illness bigger? If not, see where you are in the steps of solving the problems, if they are mental illness: 1. Realizing it is a problem. You dont hear voices and see things and believe things that arent real, unless you are nuts, or frying on acid. No one gets sane without realizing they were nuts. The fight begins then. 2. A positive , hopeful approach. With bi-polar moods, you play a part in supporting yourself with an attitude and dogged determination, with hope for the future. 3. Realizing the problems out-come if left unchecked. I know I would have wound up killing someone, myself, or being homeless. Its outcome is my downward spiral so that in the end my insanity has so much of me, that it is looking out my eyes. Just where would you have ended up if you never came out all the way of denial? 4. Realizing what areas of life, moods, beliefs, sanity, comfort, financial, all the areas of life it affects. Sanity and the right reality control everything in your life, including your identity. Moods, beliefs, behaviors, thoughts, peace of mind, are all very dependent on sanity. 5. Realizing the options available. Sanity or insanity. 6. Realizing your role in the problem, before you knew it as a problem how were you helping it? If killing a demon that wasnt there, not really, but you thought so at the time was a part of insanity, do you kill it if you see another one? You cant allow insanity any place in your life. That means you dont respond to any of it. So before I knew it was the problem my role in the problem was that of a God, hero, slave, pulp, victim, I was so involved that I had insane things of my own, an army, castle, guns, drugs, etc. I would have disappeared into that world if I could have. 7. Realizing your role in solving the problem. You cant fix sanity any correct way, without returning to reality the way you left it. I returned with an addition, God, but all the powers, abilities, experiences, were useless crazy crap. By remembering reality and sanity you last had, and using it as a guide, as though it mattered and it does, you can get reacquainted with reality and sanity. You dont fake it to make it, as soon as you begin you are making informed decisions on what you allow to be real. With time living by this borrowed reality, is living with a recovered reality you believe in. You learn to focus on the senses you can trust, sight , smells, hearing, physical, emotional, and not trust the voices, hallucinations, delusions,

coming at you in storms in your mind, you look out with what God gave you and say as compelling as it was it was not based on sight with my eyes, hearing with my ears, until you see it was not even based on things you believe or are concerned about. Denial is suspected and hunted as part of your daily life. 8. Feeling as though your reality and sanity are back to normal, and keeping them so becomes a part of life. But you continue to fight denial every day as any delusion comes sugar coated with it. These show that beginning and ending the fight against denial is like saying you deal with a major mental illness but you dont care about what it uses to get to you. These are merely phases of dealing with denial that I see I have dealt with. This book is about going from insanity to sanity, and none of it is possible if you dont get out of denial, right? So, raising awareness and fighting denial seeking it in your mind, after you can say you have a mental illness, is the same element. A guy can come out of denial, say he is crazy, and begin fighting a lump of delusions, or a guy can come out of denial, say he is crazy, and see it as an important fact that there are more and more delusions, more and more things to add on, and continue doing it till a part of him is on the last step, he looks back and sees a mountain of things he was in denial of, and has worked the other two steps, and knows his mountain can still grow, the other guy finishes step 3 with a lump of defeated delusions, but the other ones he did not root out brought him back to the hospital a year later. My point is denial and the illness work together for you to have gotten so crazy. Saying you are crazy and believing it, is not the same as saying your crazy, and know how to describe your insanities delusions. You can say you are crazy and believe it, and continue being crazy. But saying you are crazy, believing it, and knowing what you are crazy about, knowing how to outsmart your illness, to find the truth is such a difference that in this scenario you have a hope, I am giving you a great chance, I have just explained why you will be fighting denial and your illness for ever. It will get very easy, but first you have to know these basics, why is fighting denial continuously important? Cause if you look, learn to fight it, it is there and it is standing in your way of being able to shed a lot of craziness off you, it wants you to think that by saying you have an illness, that you are done recovering, but what does that do when after a year piles of insanity have built up, because you thought if you got out of denial, you are putting insanity behind you. If you dont master fighting denial is all the insanity still coming your way going to give a hit if you know you are crazy? Fighting denial will make your brain fight your illness head on and guard against any further insanity. Yes, Ive been out of the hospitals for years, working and writing, and I still fight denial, it is why I am still sane. Denial Part 2: Piecing your reality together. In this segment I will ask you questions that you will answer and we will see your reality as it is. Can you read minds? Is there a spirit you control: your soul that is like your second life? Is it dangerous and full of conflict? Do you do anything you can physically do, in the real reality, with your soul, spiritual, shine, like kill, sex, see, hear, touch, etc? So there is a world your body lives in and a

world your soul, which you control, lives in. Who are you? List all your methods of killing others and their souls. Can you travel through time? Have you spoken to God, do you fight for him? Do you believe you have seen or killed a demon or devil or are you trying to? Do you interact with people on TV and music? Name all the ways you can see. Name all the ways you can hear. Do you believe you have an empire, following, army, other souls who follow you? Do you have spiritual weapons? Do you keep the souls you kill? Are you always searching for power? Are your parents against you in an evil way? Can you kill people with your mind? Name all your powers in the spiritual world. Name all your powers in this one. Do you talk with your mind? Can you speak to animals? Have you ever been to outer space? If you think it does it happen? Is anything possible? Can you control fire? Can you control electricity? Can you control wind? Can you posses others? Do you hear what people are thinking a lot? Can you fly? Can you teach with your mind? Can you send images to others with your mind? Can you send good feelings to others? Can you sense things before they happen? Is there a form of you that is so powerful that nothing has beaten it? Can you talk to people miles away with your telepathy?

Can you have sex with women miles away? How did you end up here with all those powers to help you? Havent you ever thought you could, with too many, longer or more often with these things than you ever used to? Before you make up your mind,. I myself have been so deep in denial before and know. I wont do anything before I get you out of denial. Then I describe what we will do and I tell you why and how. Then after you have made up your mind, then you can make an informed decision. And decide whether to throw this out, or commit to it and finish it. How crazy were you? I am not Herbert.----White Zombie

In my jail cell something horrible was happening, not just my cell but the whole jail. Cops had ceased to be real cops, they were all aliens, I could tell. It was the psych unit of jail, not a fun place to be. I had been beyond reality, so far beyond for a while. Since believing I was flying thru space and time to the farthest reaches of existence, and I believed I was the Whistler, the oldest thing in the universe older than God, I whistled while he made the universe, since all that was real to me, the aliens taking over the jail, which was a space ship that could time travel was not a stretch for me. They were taking it to the beginning of mankind, so that when the ship returned it would return to an Earth populated with aliens of its kind. They didnt count on one thingI was a telepathic, psychic, gunslinger who could time travel and use the force. So I fought, I did all kinds of strange shit. I made sure I would have water by pulling on the pipes, I remember taking pills of some kind that were pure force, I had a lime tree growing in my cell, and I lived off multiplying the effects of its fruit. I made a bed out of nothing. I stole a gun and a computer; I led the resistance and fought in a war to save all humanity. It wasnt fun or cool, the lime tree, the pills, the gun, the bed were real as day. The trips never ended in there. At one point I could see inside my apartment and watched my girlfriend cheat on me. Then a rapper started talking to me, he turned out to be Satan. I had sex with cars, killed local devils, talked to people not there, saw them, saw horrors, hilarities, was never alone. There was more than I mentioned, and all of it broke me. My illness won, my drug use helped, and I was a dead man, just had to go and do it. Was going to head butt my skull real hard. Didnt have anything else, couldnt wait, too much pain. Told God, if there is a part of me that wanted to live to please save me now. Fell unconscious instantly. Worked hard from then on. Jail was to me months long. In truth all three incarcerations lasted a total of less than two weeks. Id been suicidal before, but never sold on the idea with a plan, and telling God I was done, and meaning to get down to it after. Ive seen demons, devils, wars, dragons. Ive believed I have killed thousands. Just a normal day in that chaotic world would mean I would be scared for my life, just walking to the store, or afraid for my delusional titles and possessions bringing attention. I was a hero, a saint, a gunman, a freak, a martyr, a fool, insane, and my world was crazier than me, that makes it

hard to see yourself as crazy.------And thats all I have to say about that.

The Three Step Method-Brief Over-View Step 1: Learning Learning to fight denial while learning about the goal of recovery, our illness, treatments, Reality and ourselves. Goals: 1. Do as much open minded, honest work you can. 2. Be able to remember your healthy life, beliefs, and self. 3. Attend as many groups as you can, participate, and reflect on them, and very importantly is get as much one on one help as you can. 4. Begin a journal. 5. Be able to see the way beliefs affect life and perception of reality. 6. Be able to see how some beliefs cant exist in a normal mind. 7. Be able to go through all the stages of denial, until out and accepting your illness. 8. Understand the recovery, the goal of it and why it works. 9. Be able to see two different realities, and the differences in living in them Step 2: Changing Making a commitment to working a recovery as a priority as a means to change from an insane life to a sane life. Adopting a reality taken from your past, supporting it, exploring it, and obeying it, honoring it, by living with discipline and courage. Building core beliefs that help you dismiss the insanity and trust the reality. Understanding reality. Goals: 1. Accepting your options and choosing to recover. Insanity or sanity. 2. Ending old coping and behaviors 3. Ending participation in insanity. 4. Ending belief in delusions. 5. Ending belief in hallucinations. 6. Ending belief in voices.

7. Ending beliefs in paranoia. 8. Compiling evidence of truth related to reality you have adopted. 9. Compiling evidence of craziness and lies relating to madness. 10. In the absence of guidance, memory, or evidence, working with trust and faith to support the adopted reality. 11. Doing all this increasingly more efficiently, all the time, working Recovery. Step 3: Learning, Adapting, and Resisting By putting a reality out of our past in the reality we lived by, we became better. Now you make it stronger by living in it with as little interference, and as much appreciation of it. By getting stronger, and relaxing in it you are in the cycle of growth in sanity. When you are able to wake up to the same reality everyday, and go to bed with it everyday, you learn to trust it and yourself, for the ability to know it when you are falling asleep, regardless of having a bad day, and you havent changed reality, and you wake up to a new day in the good reality, that isnt possible without you being very aware of it, your knowledge and work you do to live in it is making reality so real to you that even with many symptoms in a bad day, they arent able to change a thing. The goal of learning, adapting and resisting is to be so good at working all these steps and goals-your recovery, that eventually it is something you dont have to be aware of, and when you are made aware of something crazy, you know even if it takes you on a ride for a minute, when you are supposed to react to it, you dont, you dont change your beliefs, and you get faster and faster, better and better, that trying to remember them is a hard task, they dont amount to a pile of shit in your life. So mi9nmizing the illness, and being able to live normally, are done by working the steps. The same ones. What works to pull you out of insanity works to make it have difficulty affecting you. Now I have written to you much. Stop and ask your mind one question, Do I commit to this recovery?

Step 1. Learning Hello, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump. -----Tom Hanks; Forrest Gump When you can at this point look back and say: "Ok Matt helped bring me out of denial, and I accept I was delusional, saw and heard things, was nuts! You need to stop and see how far out of denial and how far into acceptance you really are because that does not guarantee the correct awareness. You tried hard to keep your sanity when you were losing it, or am I mistaken?

Why did you lose it? These two points can and need to be examined. I dont know of anyone who gracefully went crazy without a fight. I remember crying, confusion, pleading for anything at all to make it stop, and I did pray. I did not believe in God. And I prayed to anything on the other side too. And I did not believe in the Devil. Please just know I am a good man and was a good kid back then. I just wanted anything to make it stop, because I couldnt. I was pulled out of reality, despite fighting hard. Why then did I go nuts? Why did you? Those two points {questions really} couple with these: What could you do now if it happened again? Do you think going thru it once has taught you enough to never go crazy again? Do you think it is over? What are you doing now about insanity? Look at the people in there with you. They, like you are or were going through a hard time. Most of them have been here before. I can say most who reach a rock bottom from being psychotic have already done it before. Numbers, not me, say you will go through hell again. You dont have to. There are things to work on, things that will help you, but to go forward with you; I cant do a damned thing if you dont see the problem without denial or foolishness. All those people in there with you, a lot of them if you take the time to see are making the mistake I am working right now with you. They dont accept the illness, they dont give it respect, they dont see a real problem with their crazy behavior, they will tell you; I dont belong here. And that is not helped by the way the system runs a recovery. If you can plainly see that the reasons these people seem weird has nothing to do with you or the staff, you will see they are weird even if they were all alone, they are crazy and they never got out of denial and accepted the illness. They will name forces and events that brought them here; they will not say it was all crazy. I have been there myself, able to say I am crazy and I need medication, but couldnt say all the forces and events were totally not real and crazy. Then when I could I believed I couldnt experience them again and I did. And when I got to my last rock bottom despite many recoveries where I had been a star patient I could not make a plan, make a move from all that help I had, what was I supposed to do coming out of denial being totally psychotic? There should have been procedures, plans, steps, and the recovery of the hospital would have to be able to direct me, none of that happened. So there I was, there you are but you have this. And so take it from me, the only real way to accept your elephant in the room is by accepting it. You were fooled by mental illness, beat by it, obsessed by it, possessed by it, and you must know you werent even going to figure it out, and without your parents, the fact you are locked up,.look at all the crazy , bad things that happened and you were still thinking: I am on to some amazing things, I am doing Good and Justice, instead of saying: Jesus, what the $%@!@#, that, this isnt real! You cant say everything is fine now, so how can you say the illness was a temporary thing that if you had handled better would have been prevented? You cant say you were screwing around; you were carrying the world on your shoulders, my friend. When so much was in the balance you still could not see it was not real. Yet your thinking is not entirely misguided. You will work a recovery, which will teach you to prevent another experience like that. But you need to take from your ego, because believing in that you alone by yourself can handle this, by simply having gone through it once or a few times, without changing anything, that is a

distortion. All people with mental illness like ours need medication and recovery for this life long, dangerous beast of an illness that would use the same tricks of denial to make you think you can figure things out that it used to screw with you into believing you were some delusional super hero. And so you wonder what is so important about this step? You can go out of here psychotic or sane, and even going out sane is a failure if you go out sane and in denial, or wishfully optimistic, which is the same result and the same thing. Dont differentiate between it is all in the past, that cant happen again, and what you were telling yourself and what you were doing while you were going thru hell crazy as crazy can be. So here is your goal for step one, ignore all the bullshit, yours and others, and accept how completely screwed you were. Accept this and what happened could not have been anything but a serious problem with your mind. If it had been alive, what would you say its goal was? It was going to kill you, make you homeless, make you kill someone, get killed, pull your eyes out, fact is it erased you during that time. You went off your rocker. This you is more you than the guy you were walking the street, crazy as shit. Ask yourself about when it started and who you were and what reality was back then. Your illness was not a fluke, it was ruining you. It still exists and it always will inside of you. The medicine may change, but you will always need their help. Is that so hard to accept? It is true the only way to explain your horrors, is that it was a fluke? Or something so minor that just going through it will be enough that you wont have to go through it again? No way, dont kid yourself. Will you use your mind, experience and intelligence to keep it real so you dont need meds? Wrong. You cant out-think a chemical imbalance and biology. Accept it right or when you are back in here next time you can try it again. It wasnt a sickness. It was succeeding in ripping you apart, traumatizing you. Please friend, listen, If I related to you with the book, you must not tell yourself they were bad times that you can learn to handle. You must work to prevent the crazy, bad times from ever happening right? So wouldnt basing it all upon wishful, optimistic, and a risky plan be just what it wants? You need to accept the horror of it, the power of it, and prevent it, by learning how to endure, minimize, and see it, with a plan that makes all your actions against it endure, and that plan is based on it never going away. When you are a soldier and you prepare to be attacked, you prepare and accept the worst reality and base your defenses on that. Your mind cant prevent going nuts in the way you think. If it could what was it doing when you were screaming? Your brain and all its chemicals were manipulating your mind and dont ever get that mixed up the other way again.

Step one walk thru: If you accept that you are crazy or have been before we are getting somewhere. When you say that you are crazy you must stabilize your reality before you do anything else. Because your reality being fucked up will affect everything else. If you know you were crazy before but dont think so now, can you at least agree that youve been going thru Hell? And wouldnt someone who was crazy once who was going thru Hell

lose control? You have never been able to properly diagnose yourself, predict or evaluate yourself. That is why being crazy happened again and snowballed with your bad time. It could have been the whole cause of your bad time. What I am saying is no one knows how to handle going crazy. And you are no different. You dont fix a permanent situation and put it behind you, which is a temporary solution to a progressive, living, permanent situation. And being that the first time you were surprised and scared as Hell by where it took you, dont presume to have the ability to see your life, illness, situation, reality, sanity, behavior, decisions, because we agree you have been going thru hell, and you have been crazy before. Dont tell me Yes, Ive been going thru hell, but you know why and how, that you were crazy and not seeing the how and why, was one reason it was Hell, right? Tell me did you try hard in your bad time? Sure you did. That you werent aware of how crazy you were, you can say, you tried so hard at doing right, protecting yourself or others or the world, you can say you were doing your best. So you were in Hell and you tried so hard, I would have you see it hasnt stopped, and you are mostly just worn out, not better. If you cant admit that or that surprises you, beware of denial. Now, if you can say what things you did to fix yourself last time can you tell me how they helped, what they were helping, what they were resisting and preventing, and can you tell me how the hell they would work, being that they faded to where they were not really on your mind? All this is my point: it is not a temporary, forgettable, situation. You dont move on, it is a living condition, and if you want to grasp my point, imagine a thing that fucked with you so bad once, took you farther the next time even though you knew it happened before and there you are reading this and its denial wont let you see that it is back and this time it was so much worse! Living condition: People who hear voices, dont hear random voices. They hear voices about themselves, threatening, lying, and making them go thru hell. Basically being deceived by a medical condition into a state of un reality. Delusions and hallucinations are the same. You can be fooled into believing something totally unreal and paranoid; so do you think it is a stretch for your illness to fool you into believing youre not crazy then? So step one has these requirements: You admit you are crazy, you suffer a chemical imbalance, you had your shot to tough it out with your strength alone and that was not working, and you know you must never be that crazy again because its horrible, so you accept the illness is life long, will take meds and will work to recover back to the reality you left, and the sanity you left. The goal of recovery is to be as you once were, not concerned with craziness and demons, in a reality that made sense, yet working and fighting and keeping the illness in your awareness which will adjust so you can access it at any time and so that you can function and live normally. A safe, simple reality with a lot to offer, like peace, productivity, love, sanity. You must commit to fighting the illness now as an ever present thing a part of your life to be forever your enemy. You must think about this, will you commit to fighting it, with blindness, or with help, a guide? If you still struggle with denial I will tell you how you feel right now.your a little scared and you are surprised and intimidated by this book. Read the sections from the beginning to this point until you are desperately seeking help for a chronic mental illness.

Step 2: Changing I knew success or failure; I would not be the same person, and that things were going to happen that I would be missing. Using my problem: denial, as a weapon and tool would forever change the way I looked at things.---M.P. When you are ready to commit to a new recovery, you have to understand it pretty well. This isnt complex; you learn in step 1 in order to get out of denial and accept the illness and the goal. And step two is all the changes you make to reach the goal. You change the reality and your participation, support, and behavior shifts from a crazy reality to the recovery reality which is based on your healthy days. You cant just read a book and commit. You will benefit first and only by how well you understand your goal, tools and recovery first, guidance, then by how well you use them. So understand how this will work before you put it into action by committing to it. Then finish reading the whole book. Read it a few times. Then after you decide, there are guiding rules as well as the other foundation to help you understand, find, and live in the right reality, so that you are able to make decisions quickly, and make the change quickly. Changing realities will reduce a crazy, complex, stressful life, and the moods that accompany it, in other words, this will help you feel much better, and you wont be put through craziness anymore like you have been. Another way to express this step is that this is an adaptation you will make to being mentally ill which will show you the right reality and show you your delusions, when you are crazy it is nice to know what you are crazy about. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The goals of recovery for one who suffers are to stop suffering, and know how to deal with it and minimize it and prevent it. Your suffering was not because evil was after you, or because you could read minds, or any of the crazy experiences, whether they were being; scary, boring, weird, horrid, fun, sexual, your existence has been crazy, and your suffering is tied to belief. God didnt go crazy, neither did reality, you did. We are not going to challenge your beliefs, we always will do that, now we are going to make such a big change to them, so that you can see and believe in yourself, your actions, your recovery and the change of reality. We will get you into changing reality first then into questioning, testing, because doing so from a vantage point of a crazy reality is hard, unwise, confusing, ineffective, and doesnt make sense. So we will change the reality you live in by committing to the reality you once lived in as a healthy person, as a plan to free yourself from madness. Why? If you didnt believe any of it had been real, you would not even have been aware of much of it. Not to mention your suffering would not have been so extreme. So there is proof that by returning to reality your suffering is less. If or when you are able to believe in the correct reality and know what is crazy, youre not going to believe all the crazy shit. And it is important to study the ways the illness will tell you shit while it is still very obvious and easy to mark. If you just took meds and floated along doing nothing, you would feel better but have no experience and no way of marking delusions that were left and new ones to come, especially the more believable ones.

The problem that caused all this is belief, and believing things that arent true and the fact that those delusions kept building up, using hallucinations and voices to further pull you out of the real reality. Soon the way you think to yourself is crazy, the way you perceive life and how you react to it are all crazy, then you have senses and powers that are crazy, all building craziness, that is what has happened, that is why things were out of control and you were suffering. It will kill you if you let it. Medicine corrects some but not all of the new input. But without resolving everything you can hit another bottom, totally psychotic even with the same delusions while medicated. It seemed with my several rock bottoms of this kind, that when I got well delusions faded to the back of my mind. I did not put them there, and I did not fight my way out of them, and thus gain the part of belief one needs to be able to ignore so much that an illness can throw at you with that belief which is an anti-delusion. So, meds and structure of hospital and out patient programs had my identity of me, float up from madness without knowing the madness, the reality, and the tools to fight, the strength, and the right perspective of acceptance because I didnt really do anything and had gotten better, so I didnt see the illness as such a deadly thing. The meds and the structure had not fixed things, although I was sane, I didnt learn how to live with the illness, so all it did was pull me up and out of the madness for a short time, until it caught up. So do you think it left me alone? Now I had the belief I was fine and I knew I had done nothing but want, be real serious, pray, try, but nothing in the programs or hospitals could I use to explain the huge difference. I was bought a little time, thats all. The delusions went to the back of my mind and that is not good, when they have all left, they are all in one place, your mind. Your illness needs top be engaged whether it is up front or in the back, it can be managed, weathered, fought, minimized, pushed aside, ignored, but even when you ignore you know what and that you are ignoring. So I speak of the false recovery as a stability and sanity that is temporary, undefined, and you could not write the process and steps that got you there, and if you tried it would not explain how and why what you did got you the sanity. So, meds help, and are necessary, but dangerous if trusted to get you sane by them-selves, because you will be fine for a while, wont know how or why, and the illness has met no resistance from your actions in the mind. So after I had the temporary stability and sanity, guess what happened? I started going nuts and delusions I had thought gone started filling me in at times as about what was going on, and soon too many things were screaming at critical extremes and that made them stronger than my normal and stable, everyday thoughts and experiences trying to get through. Any reality that is given no resistance and appeals to a person in any way, and does so on many levels stronger than the existing reality, will take over, over time. It was because I didnt learn why these things were not real, could never make them unreal enough by going through them able to show all the different rules of reality they broke, and because I never learnt to accept the illness as a permanent fixture trying to screw me up, didnt get all the way out of denial, and didnt learn how to negate them, as some would say cope, and ignore, basically in those other recoveries all those reasons together with the fact I didnt fight my way out of psychosis so I was not good at fighting the illness as I am now and am teaching you are why the false recovery almost killed me a few times.

I never learnt to fight them the way I teach in this book. Without fixing things in the past and present, meds will not ensure a sane future. You are crazy until you believe the correct reality, can label the past correctly and can endure having delusions without straying from your reality and correct core beliefs. I believe the system thinks crazy folks know they arent in reality and cant help it anyways, which is so not the case. This book expresses how much needs to be done and focused on primarily to help an insane person, so that his problems lie in chemistry and moods and not in enabling their madness by neglecting the opportunity to help disturbed individuals by teaching reality and how to return and maintain being there. When you dont participate in delusions and you dont believe in them and vice a versa, you dont suffer from them. When you can be un-phased, and unchanged by them you are not coping, you have really accepted the reality of yourself yet do not accept the illness. Coping to me is a guy who goes farther in suffering, believing many delusions, but maintaining his outward life. That is simply suffering on the inside and ignoring himself. His delusions are keeping a piece of him hostage and having their way. I have been as such. To return to reality you need to believe in it. Do you think you could make yourself believe in reality? You can see that you would need to at one point begin a process that would depend on your own understanding because you are in charge of doing it. That moment is not to be blindly rushed, or made into too much. A process that makes you return to reality should involve reality and teach you your relationship with it, dont you think? And shouldnt it involve the individuals reality as it was at one time? So the goal of your recovery is to return to the reality and beliefs-your sanity, of the healthy you that was you before the illness. Ill tell you how we are going to do that, after I say my guiding bit here. You would be surprised, or not, to know in many recoveries I did not understand this as the goal, and did not think when I was working recoveries, that the recovery needs to be goal oriented, prioritized towards reality, cohesive, simple and well understood .This is because in order to return to reality, you need to believe in yourself and the recovery that gets you there to the goal which you have to accept as the only real reality. You need to believe while you do not live in reality, dont know the way, that a process or recovery that fits can do that, you can through the recovery. That isnt so hard to believe and it is true. If you had always known you were crazy, what was crazy, what was real, we wouldnt be here. I can say most of us were in a serious denial, full of delusions, overwhelmed, confused, burnt out, scared, not sure of the goal, of reality, and where were the steps, anti-denial, reality, book, where was all the help from the system? It is no wonder that you havent been able to work a recovery that makes sense. The system help will only succeed in bits and pieces, and never start from a beginning and wont take you through phases, because they dont know better, we are all put in a group. So as a result I was never completely out of denial, never completely in control, never completely aware of reality, never completely recovered. So here is the recovery you have worked up till now:

You accept that no matter what the incident, event, belief, it could be delusional. You accept that without help you would not have gotten better. Homelessness, death, crime, or a tormented existence was your destiny. You accept you have a mental illness. You accept that you had to be in denial to be psychotic. You accept that mental illness was winning, and that it is not over, that it is life long. You accept that denial can come disguised as optimism, hope, wishful thinking, and lead us to believe we cant go insane twice in a row, can get off meds one day, can use drugs, or that we are now special, super insightful, super wise, have life all figured out and that all these can wind up convincing you to do something stupid. You accept that your reality and beliefs need work. You accept that the rock bottom needs to be prevented from happening again, no matter what the cost. You accept that the life you left when you were healthy is the goal of recovery. You decided to learn about your situation, self and illness. And you decided to learn about this recovery. You accept that belief in recovery, in your illness, in reality, are all affecting each other which are all affecting your existence. You learnt about the goal, reality and also common delusions. You accept that to return to sanity, the reality and life of your better days, you really have to return there, so you need guides, rules, advice, and a recovery that can make you find, believe, live, and keep sanity and reality. Note: It was my experience being psychotic that I had made my self larger than life, super powerful, super seemingly in command, which was a reason I was in denial and could not accept reality. I was above reality; I had to be to have been so adept at insanity. That is foundation. Get it right before proceeding, my friend. So you have learnt the foundation, Let me quiz you and rant one last time You dont stop learning, you dont stop recovery, and it is a part of your life until you die, because your illness is a part of your life till you die. Is that true or false? True. You dont hear about people with our kinds of illness getting over it and living symptom free without effort, it is serious enough that medication, and for some therapy and counseling is life long. I take meds and learnt to deal with it, I work and am happy. Some may find that hard, that is a red flag. Dont fall into this pit fall that I have already mentioned; I am so much stronger, and I cant go crazy again, and I will learn how to be sane by taking my medicine then get off them. That is like saying that you didnt put up a hell of a fight before and you are now totally fine,

yet my book has changed things, right? That your illness was not really stronger than you, that you if you had been different or thought different, it would not have been bad, and so it doesnt need medication for ever, that is not true. You were being as tough as you could, as sure as you could, as focused and intense and careful as you could. Dont confuse the issue, this book can change your life, and get you living normal, but dont think you are done or that you were crazy because of choice, mistakes in thinking, that given another chance things would have been ok. You already went crazy, it was tough and you tried your best. That issue of now feeling there is no hope is not what I am saying. I am sane by my power and life experience. If I was back in the bottom off my psychosis, it would not make a difference, I am sure as I am sure that delusions still exist, hallucinations, and voices all still exist in my mind, but I live normally and they dont carry me down and out there, I have spent years and years of my life learning how to, and my goal is I turn it all into this book. So while I tell you that you would not conquer your illness if you had done things differently, you have much hope if you dont start trying to minimize your illness and put it all on your inexperienced shoulders. Respect the problem that had you screaming. Fuck the what ifs, dont fuck yourself. Man, I wouldnt say this if I hadnt done it myself. But where do we get off thinking we are so much wiser and better and our illness wasnt really so bad once we get a little better? Dont dishonor your suffering. It was so powerful and so scary you will be getting better from up, going up and up for years. You will do it faster and better than I did, because I wrote this for you. And the whole way of addressing this enlightenment and minimizing of your illness, this delusion that you arent crazy the way other people are crazy is done as so: Do you believe you will climb up and get better, and better? That isnt done by a spat of recovery, or by time. You will get better and better if you keep working the recovery in your mind and life. You dont go nuts, do something and move on and forget it. It doesnt mean experts, and staff like it that way, sadly that is the way it is. This book was never meant for someone who once they laid off the LSD everything got better. This book is for people who lost their minds despite an epic fight, and the difference is the guy who was just tripping too much found reality just fine. You and I need help to find reality even after we get on serious medication, and are crazy without any drugs, and are so very crazy on street drugs, and when we stop we dont float up to reality without medicine. Some dont or never did drugs. Some never float up. We are the people that cant agree on reality and cant get there without medicine and help. If it means we need medicine to have gotten better, and help, dont be stupid and quit the medicine now that you feel ok. Our natural state is pain, chaos, and lunacy. Isnt the times you were going nuts a real state of being you experienced? It is hard to accept that you would have to be crazy if we lived in the old days. But all those crazy people back then were in the same state, and if they had been given medicine and help, they would make the same mistake that some reading this will, they will go off meds symbolically closing the chapter of their lives of being nuts, being scared, but what a stupid thing to do, It is a part of your life and you were there. It is your natural state. So, dont read on, unless you know you have to take medicine your whole life, and that

dealing with your illness is life long. You never close the chapter on your enemy in your mind, you keep him where you can handle him, letting him out of sight , un attended, un watched, if you dont fight him in a life long commitment, he will get you later. Any fight that isnt bent on living with and fighting it at the same time and doing so till you die is less. It is a serious fight, one that sometimes beats you but never wins. You owe the illness the best fight you can give it for fucking your life up, so dont be a fool and turn and say Oh I know how to handle it, I dont need medicine anymore, and I dont even have to think about it anymore. Ask yourself; if a naked alien ran thru the room what would you do? Think about it. Me, I would silently either curse, or laugh to myself knowing it was just a hallucination. But I would not miss my focus on what I was doing, I would continue thinking about or doing what I was doing. Why? I have seen many crazy things, they are crazy, and I am not. Besides, If I wanted to see a naked alien I could imagine one any time, draw one, whatever, I can imagine and mentally picture anything, I dont get moonstruck every time I imagine something, and I dont get star struck when I see something that isnt there. And when they seem so real, so what? Who runs your life and who is looked up to, who is in charge, and who has control, you or your illness? Show me a man made of shit and I will laugh because it is funny, it still isnt real. Show me a naked lady and I get aroused and wish she was real , knowing my mind will try to make it real, show me Satan coming for me, and I dont even blink. Ive got a life here in reality. Not as a busy dude with all kinds of friends, Mister popular and shit, I can imagine better lives than the one I live, but it is real, and I believe it matters in the same respect. I didnt ask for it, didnt approve it, but I live it as me, and will till the end, and it seems to me losing reality was a bad thing so I keep it, I like my life and reality most of the time, and believe in living it the way that works for me, so that means I dont let my illness or mind control me and dont value seeing things, hearing things and believing things that arent real. I see them as negative if they want me to believe they are real and I see them as negative if they interrupt reality and my focus which is most of the time. There have been times when I was really bored where I let my mind go, sure, but was it a trip, man? No you dont make yourself to be in reality, and expect to enjoy breaking reality. And while you are recovering, honesty and common sense are needed to change structural foundations of your reality, by testing to assure yourself you are not making a mistake and also to end belief in delusions and build back belief in reality. And the honesty comes in to play when you admit to yourself that you arent sure about something, the common sense is used to out-think the delusions with a valid test. I found dismantling delusions to be like a snowball effect. I learnt to discount them by the dozens when they shared a common thread that was delusional. My beliefs that I put into effect in 2003, have remained. I have also endured much that I would have succumbed to in previous recoveries. Now I am not scared of hearing a voice or seeing something. I think about those things like when you tell someone not to think of a pink elephant, and they do. I dont believe in these voices or hallucinations just like I dont believe that when I read a book what really happened was how I pictured it. What really happened didnt have the ties to my imagination or me, while my mental images and reading experience arent tied to reality.

What I imagined, I was trying to. With delusions and hallucinations, I am not even trying so why believe them? When I dont believe in my minds positive use of the same thing, just because it got weird and scary does not make it any more real than anything-else coming from my mind. The key is to make something you werent expecting or thinking about, that storms into your mind and reality into a glitch of your mind, making it come from your mind, makes it easy to then discount or ignore. Your mind has a part that will think up the worst and the best, and now it has a part that will use that to make those things come alive. Just dont give them any more credit than that. Dont blame outside forces, people, powers, planets, flaws, secrets, and dont let two wrongs make a right. Meaning, if now you are having delusions about something you have already had delusions about, you dont allow your role in the experience to be that of one who will enter and prove it wrong. You never enter a delusional situation on any of those situations terms, the terms of your illness. That is exactly how we fought so hard and lost. I know the rationalizing: so you want to make sure they arent real, and you try to test a delusion that still obviously has power over you, I guarantee as you slide into it, your methods of testing slide with you, and you are much more likely to believe a delusion if it had you before. Your doubt and then entering the delusion with its building up till youre acting in a delusion. Your mind and senses is not to be trusted to determine reality and unreality while in a delusional hallucination, and voices that still have belief. Not yet. Your strength, faith, and beliefs, heart, discipline, can all be used to not participate but watch secretly, ignore at first. Then it always gives you more options as time goes on: Hey! Last time I didnt do anything, and hear I am now and I feel ok, and the world didnt split open, I dont believe it as much. Also, you can beat the strongest delusions by reciting all the beliefs it takes and all the real rules of reality it breaks, plus how those delusions affected you, how you dont believe them some or most of the time, plus you didnt believe them when you were healthy, plus you try to predict their outcome, or behavior they would cause in you, what you were thinking about before, what is priority, what god would think, parents, staff, and you use growing knowledge of these things to be able to tackle the biggest delusions you ever had. One day you realize you just had a horrible delusion and hallucination but you shut it out, or your beliefs simply kept it out of focus, and you realize you would have so been caught up with it in the past, and yes it is ok to live normally despite these incidents, it is not ok to forget how to fight and cope, in fact that is the whole idea. When you see the delusions, hallucinations, voices, are not only not real, they are not under your control and they are keeping you from reality, making them your enemy, then you can commit to the change: Here is the change: You take time to remember your life no matter how innocent and powerless it seemed, of before your bad times, before your illness, and remember the things you did and did not believe. You think about the typical days, concerns dreams, for if you ever want to see how you came to be dreams fears and concerns shape us greatly. You take the reality and turn it into beliefs and rules of reality, and you ask yourself: What sense does the reality I have with my illness make, and how stable was it? The reality with the illness never missed an opportunity to go nuclear and break all kinds of

rules, putting you thru a grinder. The one that was stable and the one everyone else lives by is the reality I had when I was young, it must be right. You decide to commit to living it, while making yourself believe it honestly, while also learning how to use it in ways that make you more a part of it, and stronger than your illnessthe old switch o rama of realities, thats the process that made sense to me and still does. I believe my reality, the same one that I left in 94, with the addition of God and Jesus. I am still crazy, always will be, but I can think sane thoughts and live sanely while my illness struggles in my grip. Sometimes I cant believe the only thing the world says is "fake it till you make it and I cant believe people who offer no book or steps to us will think this idea is stupid. But it is a sign of a recovery from a serious mental illness. Anyone who was insane and is better would have to have been in craziness, learnt that they were, respected the situation, all of which is getting out of denial, set their sights on the goal of recovery, and changed to get there. That is exactly what I did and am teaching. Why isnt anyone else? Why do we get bombarded with changing our behavior but not our reality, if you all lived in our reality of our crazy days, most of you would be dead and all of you would show signs of anger, escape with self medication, passive or aggressive behavior, self esteem problems and assertiveness because of the real problem, living in a crazy reality. The system recovery, honestly, made me think I had to become someone I wasnt, yet did not address the real problems I was having. Any one who is crazy needs to be taught like I taught in this book, prepped as I did, taking on delusions and reality, we have to go through this, and it needs to be clear as day, a major staple of our recovery, a priority, foundation, and the most important part of recovery. If we have to take meds and be locked up, why? We are crazy. So any recovery that strays off into anger management, self esteem, and bypasses what I am doing is missing the most important piece, and it is the piece that we need the most help with. So dont sit there and say this: That doesnt work, because I took the time, lived the life, worked the recoveries, and it does. But how, and in which order, and the importance of how it is put to the patient is so important. And dont say: They have all tried to keep it together, so this shouldnt work. Wrong. If you let them, most of your patients would walk out the door. And they wouldnt be torn about it. You all have been neglecting the most obvious route, and expecting us to piece something together from all your subjects. Like what!? That I have to learn how to be someone I am not, while I am going through the worst times of my life, or in the middle of a very hard life, learn how to fix all that with assertiveness, anger management, personality, it is so stupid. If in your mind it is a natural idea for when you are going through insanity to live by the remembered healthy reality, you havent been insane. So to start it isnt obvious to us. I thought of those days in healthy reality and sanity as when I was weak, innocent and did not see them and that way of living as a step up, and I am not special, most of us dont. But most of us are in denial. And if you would think it was natural, how is it then wrong when you have gotten one out of denial and taking his meds? Why now it is a bad idea? If we have all tried it, wouldnt it work if the right guy showed you how to make it work at the right time, when we are ready to do something wouldnt the obvious and effective common sense

method be a good choice and shouldnt it be taught and put out there? Well there you go. There is much to say, a lifes worth of the difference it makes, and still another lifes worth of help in the next parts of this book. Doesnt everything I have written make sense so far? The world isnt after you, and your not a lost cause, and you arent weak, you, like me, needed this info. Reality isnt crazy after all, God isnt crazy, and even with an illness you dont have to be!

Summary, why this works:

You separate from the illness and cut its power and grasp on you by superimposing the real reality over in place of your illness, and being out of denial and appreciating your predicament, you are motivated to do it right. That is one reason system recoveries dont work, they never attack the denial, define and steer you to reality, they dont prioritize getting into reality or offer a process. But when it is done it is the only step to do that makes sense at that point. The guidance in the book, has told you many delusions, pointed you towards reality and related the whole thing to you, I remember being at this point. When I switched realities, I still believed some delusional things from so much involvement and application of them. Things like mind reading, telepathy. I do not believe in them today, but how did that happen? I accepted the reality of my healthy days, yet still believed in these things, so I used discipline, testing, and rules to end and severely limit their power, occurrences, my involvement, and soon enough my belief in them. My illness still tries with mind reading and telepathy delusions. It can be frustrating, but I dont believe in it, and I accept parts of my illness are stronger than me, I cant control every experience and wouldnt want to. When these disturbing events happen they dont stay delusional, and in four years I have not believed in them despite their occurrence and breach of belief. What I mean is I fight and these are the only delusions that can make me feel it is real, but 98 percent of the time I dont believe in them. When I go to bed I didnt believe them and when I wake up I dont believe them, believing them a little because I had believed them so much when I was crazy, is understandable, because they involve a delusion that has freedom to concentrate their authenticity because they dont have to involve anything but my minds auditory sense, just voices that I do not wish to hear. They dont demand anything from me because I dont believe in them, they dont have to make me see anything, affect the reality, they can exist with reality, and they piss me off. The next section is simply the rules that helped me when belief in some delusions was still strong and was tempted to believe but could see they were not a part of my healthy reality. Discipline in just obeying reality is an important part of early, middle and late recovery. You can reap from it the ability to keep in the boundaries of normalcy and sanity, improve your concentration, self esteem, confidence, functioning, find reality, become a hard worker, have control over your beliefs, yourself, your illness. Affirming them and agreeing with them can be done as you fall asleep or even when they are challenged, and automatic affirmation occurs every time you dont allow yourself to break a rule. That is called coming to believe in reality with guidance, discipline, faith, courage, progress, hindsight, foresight, in other words the rules acting as a guide are empowering, and they are a benefit. Rules to guide you into belief of reality. As you enforce them work to prove their credibility. Rules made it possible to adapt to a new experience of reality and they told me what things I had to work on in changing the beliefs of them.---M.P.

I will always have my soul inside me. It has always been there, thinking it is out there doing things is a major form of delusion involving Spiritual Warfare, Double Dimensions, Astral Projection, Non Existent Worlds, and Non Existent Powers. I used the rule of I will keep my soul inside of me and learn to live like that. It ended so much chaos. I am not Psychic. I was made to live in my mind without interruption, and with privacy. I will cease all forms of Psychic Powers. I will work to prove them false when I get an opportunity. I am not Telepathic. Despite my life experience, I am not. I am not any more than the guy they see, I dont have a big pistol strapped to me, apply my example. I cant talk or communicate or affect what goes on TV, Music, and the Radio. I dont know anybody that I do not really communicate with speech or correspond with. Sadly, I am not Gwen Steffani's lover, and James Hetfield never partied with me. That news woman and I never I can scream my head off in my mind and no one hears. I can wish for something and try in my mind, but I cant make things happen with mental powers. Prayer works for me. God answers prayers that you cant take care of yourself and then if His Grace decides to. He knows your life, and if you are wise about your timing, are sincere and faithful, and He can do anything. What I see and Hear that I can touch is real. I cant kill souls with my soul, for one reason first of all is that my soul is inside me, second spiritual warfare isnt real, and God owns all the souls, third. So obtaining and searching for power from weird things is also crazy because your body and mental state give you all the energy you need. I will cease Spiritual warfare, and power hording. Both are delusional. I cant leave this world, when I try I am imagining or hallucinating. I am not in two places at once. I can not time travel. I can not connect {psychically, telepathically, spiritually} to people because I know them or people that know them. Musicians dont write songs about me. I believe even when I do believe in some of these things, I can change my availability to them, my participation in them, I can avoid much of them by following rules, change my belief, I can recover. I wont

decide my beliefs because of how they affect my symptoms, but what I find to support them in reality. I will learn. I believe in my potential in reality not my illness potential in crazy reality. I can handle the worst once I have built faith, familiarity and trust in reality. Core Beliefs: Your world isnt really out there for your own experience if it doesnt register with your beliefs.M.P. Matts advice: The illness will come back, it kicked your ass the first time, and you werent crazy. Now you are. So dont half-ass it thinking medicine, time, or even your experience of having been nuts are strong tools to fight with. Reality, being sure about reality, being sure about your illness, being aware of symptoms, believing in reality, protecting it and living it is a strong tool. You can go crazy and think you figured some things out and you are now wise. If it was not a part of your healthy reality when you were ok, then it is a delusion you feel makes you wise. You can go nuts feeling wise just as easily as when you are feeling scared and confused. Remember that it tore you from sanity. I have had a year full of symptoms, yet that is all they are because I know my reality, my illness, I have choice and freedom, my recovery, and because I have those things I can cope with my illness. Coping well is having symptoms and being able to be yourself, and everybody with a chronic mental illness wants to cope well. Coping well is not having no symptoms, I have had symptoms for four years, in other recoveries, I thought I was symptom free. Looking back being sane has meant that I have symptoms. Being sane means feeling crazy. I was not sane when I had thought I was fine. Who are you, why do you believe that? What is real, why do you believe that? These are the hardest beliefs to change, yet imagine an insane persons answers. His answers have to be wrong for him to be crazy. If you can see that, imagine how much better he would be if all his beliefs were correct and healthy, how crazy would he be then? Not so crazy. But there he; believes bad beliefs and a lot are wrong because he believes his delusions, hallucinations, voices and crazy events. He will tell you he is a prophet, is he? Not in reality. He will tell you demons are common, are they? He will often think he knows more and sees more, does more. If he stops believing hallucinations and voices, but he never changes and fights the beliefs about himself and reality then he still believes he is a holy person, special, a legend, so he wont be able to maintain his stay in reality because he will be prone to the insane expectancy and methods of interpreting and acting in his reality and of his reality. And the crazier his reality the more sane he appears to himself. These beliefs he couldnt or did not address: him being holy, believing in psychic powers, believing angels watch him and the belief that he went nuts but the core concepts and his motives and such were authentic, his quests and these core beliefs influence the functioning of his hallucinations and voices because the deepest defining parts of him never made changes to reality, and will soon put him on another holy quest, using hallucinations, and voices. He never altered the core beliefs that shaped his insanity, time and enough mistakes and belief that he is in tip top form guarantee he will be experiencing delusions, hallucinations and voices with belief again. That is why beliefs and reality, the core beliefs, and the goal of recovery, all need to be right. And that is why a method to go from crazy

reality to healthy reality should be simple, understood, taught as a priority, and that is step one and two. Learning and Changing. And the simple method of step 2? Put plainly it is the important change we make when we are aware of our condition, and it is based upon that which we seek; reality and sanity. How is it based on reality and sanity? We decide to live by the reality, think by the reality of our past and come to believe in it by putting it into action despite our symptoms and all our crazy experiences. It changes our relationship to reality and our madness. When we were nuts we gave a large amount of freedom and validation to insane events and subjects. Here, we are drawing a line in the sand, and using the only amount of reality and sanity we have that we can be sure about, our past. We are also acting on our free will now instead of going where the delusions take us. The more things that a patient can not participate in, the more he can doubt their validity, and learn about his minds part in his insanity. He can label huge core delusions that enabled so many crazy experiences. So step two is done early and it is based on who you were in order to get you back to reality and getting out from underneath the confusing delusions. A limit to its success is how well a patient can see its success and recognize from where it has come. For if he doesnt recognize it he does not treat those reinstated core with the importance, respect, care that they require to keep them active in his life which will include many symptom full days that will challenge and try to trick him. Core beliefs are defining you and your reality, and so they need to be right for you to mesh with healthy reality. Example: For four years I have not believed in psychic powers. I have had tons of voices, experiences, and delusions, all of which are just symptoms which dont slow me down, they just frustrate me because I dont believe in psychic powers, and I can look back all four years and say there were no real psychic phenomenon, because the belief is a part of me and it is affecting who I am in my reality and in my mind. Core beliefs are not only what you will believe before, after or when something supposedly happens, they affect the production and existence of thoughts, beliefs, hallucinations, behavior, reactions, who we are ,and delusions just as much as how we react to them. If you really believe you are spiritually special, Holy, powerful, psychic, important in the afterlife, destined for greatness, all these are core beliefs affecting your expectations of your existence, affecting the way you seek from life outside of the normal realities and constraints, thus your belief in crazy stuff. Core beliefs prime your existence and your relationship to reality. In other words, the right ones prevent delusions, guide our thoughts, protect us from rock-bottoms, clear our conscious, how we think, how we see ourselves and our world, they are reality to you. When you are amazed or cant believe something just happened, is when something that challenges your beliefs has occurred. Why Core? This name is from the system, it is an under-taught subject. Think of yourself, as you see yourself, what you believe you can do and what you imagine possible, those are core beliefs. If you want to imagine something scary, imagine a man who believes he is evil because he believes he has done evil acts. What if they were all delusional and not real, how does his belief that he is evil affect him? He becomes evil by believing he is. Expects good folk to despise him and that makes him despise them. It is a hard thing when I give my advice on core beliefs, they are very important. Just as important is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, and give yourself a chance to be who

you can be. Up till recently you havent had all the tools for sanity and recovery, havent had normal conditions to live, so dont close the book on your development no matter how old you are. A change in sanity, reality, can be an opportunity to challenge core beliefs about yourself that may have a negative impact on your life. So Core beliefs are the beliefs that shape us and our realities. Core beliefs mostly make their impact felt quietly, you dont think about them and are not usually aware of them when they are acting. When you are walking down the street you dont expect cars to fly or think about that. You dont expect to start flying. You dont expect a lot of crazy shit. But you can describe Core Beliefs, know them, return to them, live by them, or break them. The correct core beliefs allow one to spot and deal with delusions; they help prevent them, but not completely. Ones whole life is a core belief. When someone comes across something, they judge from their lives. And they judge with what others have influenced, taught, what culture has taught them, etc. Those can all be changed with mental illness, they need to be corrected. If I looked at my whole life as a thing of indisputable truth, what would I say? Well it isnt and having a mental illness broke many truths. I did not believe psychic events or powers before or now, but during my illness they were so believed that I trusted, employed them in daily activities and trusted my life to them. I get delusions and voices related to mind reading, but when all is said and done, I do not believe in something because of how I reacted to it when it happened. I believe in something for how much results can be seen in the longs run with proof that is undeniable, and in that light I can say I am not psychic, and I can say I have delusions where it seems I am, but I never let it deter me in my life. One classifying tool that helps one who is having a hard time finding the correct core beliefs, or struggling with a tough ride: If your psychiatrist knew what was scaring you, confusing you, would he think it was s a real problem or a delusion? That helped me so much that in my mind I was able to imagine taking my problems with reality and imagined him telling me that something was strange and not normal; I had problems just knowing as I went thru the days, what was real. For some reason putting the imaginary doctor in my mind, I could depend on his decision as a secondary source for truth. We have an illness and have expected crazy shit, believed crazy shit, seemed to experience crazy shit, so before we can be declared sane, no matter how much medicine, therapy, and education is involved, you are still nuts if you do not address the crazy core beliefs, that allowed and were created by the illness, plus core beliefs that enable delusional beliefs not just to believe in, but that affect their relationship with the delusions and yourself. Check out unhealthy core beliefs: If I perceive it, it must be real. If I think something happened, I must believe in it. If I learn to master everything I believe in, I will be strong. If I dont act on what is happening, I will eventually be killed. I can kill others souls. I can be in more than one place at one time.

I have seen the future. I can read thoughts. I can sense things. I can control certain elements. I have amazing powers. I can speak telepathically. I have spoken to God. I am Holy. I have killed many souls. I have killed many demons. I have seen demons. I am in the Bible. Spiritual warfare is real. Time travel is real. Other dimensions exist. Magical places exist. I dont belong here. I see the truth I can control objects and people with my mind. I can possess people. Those were all mine, I had many more. At the same time. My reality was chaotic, dangerous, frightening, and so I tried to be stronger and stronger. I was dangerous. Now let me give you my core beliefs of today: I am not psychic. I hear voices, see things, but I do not believe they are real. I am not telepathic. I act in this reality with my body, not soul. I have no powers. I never saw a real demon. Killed any, etc. I dont have to believe anything from those years is set in stone, I earned a second chance. I work hard, like work, and will continue to work. I have worked hard on recovery. I dont believe in being involved in good vs. evil, at least until I die and

know whats up. I dont believe any of the battles and terrifying experiences were real or meant anything. I believe having been crazy means there has to be things that you dont believe in anymore. And I believe I dont have to believe anything, it gives me an edge over my past and my illness. If I were to give a major piece of advice it is this: You are crazy, you need to value yourself more than what you cant argue with, that means grow strong and be wise, but dont be afraid to exercise your will and desire for comfort when strange things from your past cry for attention. Because fighting a mental illness means you do not flow instinctively with the tide of thoughts and beliefs and experiences, you must see that your naturally prone to some delusions more than others because naturally you are crazy and when you cant not believe something, you can and have to cut it off, fighting a mental illness means you handle beliefs with care, fighting mental illness is about fighting some and supporting other beliefs. So will, discipline, looking back later, all help one when you still believe something, but what I want you to grasp is that you can deny, go against belief, deal with something later, choose not to participate, all these tools can be used to be just who you really are even when your supposed to be going nuts. Choosing beliefs is the answer to delusions that wont break. Based on reality you dont have to pay attention to strange shit that you cant shake because if the delusion doesnt let you change it you must not allow it to change you. I am supposed to be tripping on my existence because it is like I have dreamt much that happens. I dont want to know about, hear about this strange shit because even if it were true somehow, I accept that I have problems with reality and would not survive down the road of exploration it wants me to go. I dont have to so I dont, knowing better. I am happy, not worrying because I choose not to believe, and not to find out, I believe in myself, and I say: yeahlets not go there. If I believed without choice then I would believe that I have dreamt a lot of the future, seen visions of things to come, seen real demons, have some psychic powers, spiritual powers, etc. But I dont believe in believing myself down that road. They happen in my life experience, but I do not participate in them, and when I gather myself at a later time I see that when they arent happening I do not believe in them, not participating, cutting them off, but still experiencing their touch is denying them, but at other times I can dismiss them. And I gave all those things, ways of thinking, and ways of madness a chance to be some reliable force in my life, but all they all did is cause me pain. Base your core beliefs strongly on your past healthy beliefs, dont alter it to bring something crazy, complex, mysterious from the days of your illness. My beliefs are the same as my healthy ones, yet now I believe in God, that is all that is different. I could believe a lot of crazy shit, but getting away from it was my goal. I like this reality. Check this:

I have been studying this thing, this occurrence, I will figure it out or do the right thing, and I will solve this mystery, because I have thought about it and believe I should naturally feel it out and participate in it with the goal of figuring it all out. That isnt the correct approach because while that decision was made to figure out and beat something, you are elevating your own self above reality. If this thing were a real thing you accepted as such, it wouldnt be a mystery. Instead, remember that a delusion can involve even things that you have really studied, or wish were real, or things you most fear, they can make a person try something out of desire to know where it will go, know the reality of the situation, and suddenly a thing you have been checking out, is given the opportunity and freedom of a thing that can go anywhere. The problems mount and your elevation of yourself, taking on an undefined delusion, the illness seizes the freedom given to it and will give you all kinds of effects, when the next event occurs anything related to this undefined reality, delusion, is now suffering in belief. That is how a man can be unaware of his belief or disbelief and act in an attempt to get to the bottom, and the illness gives him a world for he admits going in he does not yet know for certain, and the next time an event happens, things that had previously been cemented that have ties to the delusion that was played out and accepted, now those things are weakened and the illness is stronger. Beliefs fall apart because in this way, a person wears his delusion to solve his past, and the delusion capitalizes that. Further problems arise out of any credibilitys towards the delusional event, transferring fears and goals of the delusion to the real world. Paranoia is in my definition, the erroneous connecting the dots, because of poorly defined and poorly supported beliefs, and it can make sense at times. Like when you are in a world or dimension or spiritual plane for a brief but critical point of time, not really, but to you it is real, you may be in a bad time for yourself that you have been trying and fighting as hard as you can, and the mistake of making your self act as though what you experienced is connected to your typical reality, will seem as though you are being more careful but it opens your illness out into more of your typical reality; causing paranoia, you think others are involved in the situation, because you cant afford not to. Let me relate the meaning of that. It is being let in on a huge secret, and then changing your perspective and behavior so that just in case people around you are a part you have put pressure on yourself out of paranoia and conflicting realities and bad core beliefs which are conflicting with reality. Another mistake core beliefs are a part of is when we can be having such a hard time, and be given glimpses of massive forces working against each-other; we blindly go seeking these events of other realities for they have more substance and are making themselves known to you, so we can often seek in our worst delusions the solutions to our problems. Ive been there, it is like when you are seeking to fix and are seeking the solution from great sources. I went through all kinds of hell, and if I had maybe sought the solution in myself and the problem in myself to explain all the things that were happening, instead of running and seeking sources behind everything, well I figured it out but if someone were reading this and you wanted to take something away from it, here: I feel blessed and extremely lucky that I recovered half as well as I did, that I feel lucky is not a clich, it is my point that I have written so much good shit and live by it and believe it and learnt it, yet I see who I was and how I thought about things, how many, many dont make it

is not a mystery to me, I feel lucky, blessed, and it bothers me that somewhere a guy like I was is walking around tripping out, a danger to anyone, seeking his salvation from the forces behind his madness, and it bothers me that this book was not there for me. In case you missed my point completely: I didnt have a book, steps, or a process tried and true, and if I had I would still feel lucky to be where I am at. I really dont use anything from the system because using things that dont act as a cohesive tool that you understand and can keep in mind throughout the days, all your problems the goal, understand how to use the tools and how they help the problem, the system didnt give me a goal I understood, tools that made sense, reality, a process that was simple and made sense. They gave me a promise of new me, of a whom I never was, and could never be, and nothing I could understand and see how it would happen. I tried very hard, that makes failure tough. And time makes it worse. The illness cant be forgotten and replaced with will to be better, and not have the better clearly defined and to not know you are using a way that you understand how it all works, and to not have reality described and taught, and to not have a book, and to never have a prioritized, effective recovery that fights as you are witness, your illness. Being assertive, having anger management, knowing personality types, counting to ten, meditation, knowing medications, arts and crafts, do not fight being insane. Reality tests and core beliefs are the two things in the mental health system that do. These two tools are easily given, yet are not shown just how important the reasons for them are. The insanity that has little Johnny freaking out, will not be beaten back with two classes on core beliefs, nor the dozen reality tests his therapist gives him over 6 months, rather it will have grown immensely in that time. You all need to see that those things are not a method a psychotic can jump into and use reality testing to find his core beliefs. Weve been doing that thats how we live when we are psychotic. You need to start at the fucking beginning and teach a process, plan, and explain it like I am. Tell me what is the plan for the system? All I knew was I had to transform, not to what exactly and how, and never with an understanding of how everything and anything they taught or encouraged fought the craziness, or changed me into one who could even talk about it all or use what they taught to get better and stay better. To stay better you need to know why and how the changes you make did that, be able to talk about them, do them anytime, for we take medicine all the time to fight. That we just take our medicine and everything is fine is not true for someone who has not made the changes and had the proper recovery. Now about that scenario where you want to learn about core beliefs and how when your illness sends you an invitation to play Problem is that thing you have been studying is not something to try to figure out, not a part of a healthy reality, it is a delusion, but your thinking youll just feel it out and get this taken care of, when you act then you might have some expectations but bear with me, if it is a delusion, you just participated with it and told it you arent in control and cant say for sure you know what you are doing. That is how a delusion that isnt yet classified as a delusion will behave. You feel like here you are at bat again and youll swing right this time your sure, and when you swing all the holes in the beliefs and past experiences and the situation, all create an ideal moment for a big insane event, and it might not even blow up until later that

week, but it lets the illness in. An example of this---picture me crazy, working in recovery in the hospital, I have strange sensations for weeks, like I am in two places at once. I had many delusions about the Devil and Good vs. Evil, I get this sensation of something very secret and important going on, and this time I feel Ill address it, so I have started trying to figure it out after thinking about it for weeks. Smart huh? No. I cant figure it out without feeling, sensing, thinking, experiencing. It doesnt matter how much I wanted to figure it out and get on with my life, I just took the bait of my illness that like a fishing boat had been trawling for me. I just entered a delusion, had to believe in it enough first, so it bothered me for weeks, my conscious mind if any part of me is my spirit and I just engaged my spirit into conflicts. While I may not have known what to make of them, and I was not aware I was believing or thinking so much about them, where did I go wrong? How was I going to figure it out without believing, going, engaging this delusion? I went and it was a giant battle of good and evil and I could tell it all, how? I dont know, but I already believed it to get there, and so I acted a minor role, by declaring we would win. And how now since I was in a place that was not real, and all those forces and spirits I seemed to sense when I engaged, what if some of them were the people around me? Now I had to look at everybody around and put them in my delusion, to be safe, so by wanting to get over a weird sensation, I participated in a delusion that was only strange sensations, and it took me to a battle of epic proportions, and once I did my part there I had to believe it was real, I went in trying to figure it out, and it opened a whole struggle and picture me when it is over looking at everyone around me with suspicion behind a blank stare. I put so much pressure on myself by believing everybody and everything was in on things. I remember the pain, a very physical pain. So I have said why enabling beliefs can be a problem. When reality is in mind the decision to feel something out is not so wise. Dont ever stray from the reality you should have even when symptoms wont let you enjoy the real reality. That goal is supporting, learning, believing and will directly teach the proper relationship of you, reality and symptoms, so one really copes and knows his illness. Belief in crazy shit makes behaviors, adaptations in your core beliefs, sometimes you will be trying to control these things, prevent or master something that is not real while you should be seeing the belief in the thing as the problem. Believing in fighting beliefs is a key to remember. When things are seemingly fine, and you slack off, you may only get roused to your predicament when the beliefs have gotten overwhelming and overpowering. Believing in fighting beliefs, is believing in knowing, fixing and trusting your core beliefs, it is pro actively engaging beliefs and delusions in your mind. Much like a hands-on learning situation. If you believe you are funny you try to be from time to time. If you believe you are a strong person, you may not worry much. If you believe you are strong but your life could have stronger problems, you may seek ways to prepare for the future. If you believe you are psychic, special, holy, important, magical, a legend, telepathic, super powers, all the beliefs, secret, holy, whatever that apply to you, and apply to the worlds reality, are the core beliefs. They can make someone look at himself through the eyes of his fears, his habits, insecurities, others, they can make someone always feel an outsider. They can be changed quickly. They

can conflict. They can have purpose. They can be a mess. You have a mental illness, you work hard, yet you are starting to believe your psychic powers again. And you believe the way you think, recover, live, have learnt, all should have made this impossible, thus giving more belief to them. If you believe you have been doing all you can, the right way, and are having your beliefs in psychic powers challenged, they seem real plus that you are not responsible, more than you believe you have only symptoms of a mental illness and there is work you can do, your core belief allows for an experience of psychic phenomenon. When it is something that you cant control or get rid of, yet seems real when it happens, and if you believe that you didnt believe in psychic powers, yet they kept happening and you could not disprove them to yourself, you have transferred belief from your past reality, and given a huge delusion, core belief, hallucination, voices tool to your crazy reality. Believe in fighting beliefs. Believe there is something you can do. You can struggle with something for a while and realize you are in control and have been sitting on your ass. And why? Do you want to be psychic? Have you ever made biological changes that makes your mind psychic? Did you ever say some magic words? What do you do to hear what people think about you? Do you like the experiences? Do you live by them? Do you control them? Are they sane? How do you do it? Have you ever not believed them? An avenue this big in your mind is like a freeway which craziness can drive into. When you give in to one delusional core belief, others are threatened, and it wont ever let you just believe in it, it grows until your action in it is consuming. Or until the struggle of beliefs has made the thought of it, occurrence of it, a fear that you run from. It is beneficial to challenge the illness at more and more times as you recover then stop and process the erroneousness of the sick part of you. You can call it out eventually is what I am telling you. And then by believing in reality and yourself and your power over the illness, stop it with will and thought alone, and build your power more by running yourself through it and reaching the point where you have seen, heard so much of what your madness has, what was once a catastrophic event to the you before this recovery, doesnt have a chance in your mind from addressing all the bullshit as bullshit. Even if it is totally a new crazy thing that cant be connected to any beaten delusions, at this point you live faster and stronger, with so much acquired knowledge of yourself and reality, will, discipline, experience that you can erase it from ever happening. Ive had many millions of scary delusions, yet ask me to describe them, I cant. I can describe the delusions I lived, however and that is a difference. Delusions will come, they dont have to stay, and they shouldnt hold a place in your life. The basic rule of thumb I learnt about core beliefs is that the more you put into them and live by them, the more you get out, but you cant neglect even the most basic of them, because your memory and life experience isnt the part of you that applies to them properly. Rather when a delusion has been a problem, growth can be the reason, or simply reaffirmation. Is it a good reality test to believe in your-self? Your core beliefs? Believing in yourself and reality through core beliefs is like reality testing all the time. When at my most psychotic times, I was accepting everything and could not describe all the beliefs, there were too many. Knowing them all, basing them on truth, and coming to believe them by living them, is like reality testing all the time. In a way it is like turning the tables on the illness, it doesnt believe the reality you do yet it is forced to live in it.

How do you do that when delusions are convincing you otherwise? You are a free person. If you only believe in what you are focused on, trying to figure out, and that things occurring that arent part of that hold no importance, then you are thinking wrong. You can live in core beliefs strongly, and you can do it loosely. Loosely is not advisable. Not defining your core beliefs is deadly. Changing them all the time is no good. When you took it on to be sane, did you only want to visit reality, or did you want to be a part of it for good? Well, defining core beliefs, reality, is one thing and supporting them is another. You might not feel normal, be thinking normally, but if you are going to change a core belief you need a lot of proof, so dont act on something just because it is hard. Youll find the next day or week, that you just believe you were tripping, and it was a good thing you didnt believe all that or let yourself think or dwell on it. Know why, because core beliefs are real things. You will feel scared, confused, like a disaster is about to happen, but waking up the next day, applying the delusion, altering your life wont feel natural either, because these beliefs are like pillars in the mind and they take valuable time, proof, spirit, desire to build and they arent going to let you believe a bunch of normal things and that your boss is a satanic, psychic alien. Getting the right ones first in recovery is the first thing you need to do, and they influence other core beliefs you arent so sure about. I know I thought when I found reality I would have to do less or the same as a normal person. Wrong I have to be stronger. If you ever went nuts, dont expect to be the same or better off in just the believing and reality score. You have to step up and live in the now, and bravely take on shit. I have endured many symptoms, delusions, auditory hallucinations, confusion, stress, anxiety the last three weeks. I have not altered my life, social, work, habits, and especially beliefs. You know what it all means?!! Nothing. Because I am my core beliefs about me. I am good, brave, physically lazy, mentally hyperactive, hard working, strong, prideful, kind; passive but when needed I am assertive. I know I am happy, even when my illness i8s taking that away. My soul and existence runs deeper. I have been good, kind, generous, thorough, I am proud of how I have been during the last 4 years. My core beliefs on reality have been bent but they bent back. I have nothing for my illness but increasingly hard times, I fight, ignore, adjust, I do everything I can to enjoy the present while looking for tomorrow as a better. I may feel crazy sometimes because these symptoms are on me and in me, yet I accept nothing from them, yes they bother me, but I put forth less to adjust to them than I do to live regardless of them. I am not able to believe reality and have that make them disappear. I can believe reality, and rationally dismember craziness as they come, but that can be frustrating and tiring, it is hard. I accept that part of me is involved in the insanity; I accept that I have been insane completely; I accept that I always will have that part of my life. I do not accept an ounce of those times for figuring who I really am, can be. I figure them as a weight on my development, not something to use as a guide.

When you do nothing, or less you are susceptible. What believing in yourself does to reality

and perception is gives you the opportunity to resolve, reaffirm, it is all good. When having been pestered by delusions I did not believe, and had no explanation, finally I got fed up and affirmed my belief, and while doing so I believed I could move forward by living with reality and my belief in mind. So I simply believe I am doing what I can, and with it in mind, my belief in the topic of the delusion is 0, I actively summoned myself and beliefs to fix the pestering problem. Example: I was experiencing many psychic delusions, where I thought I could hear what people say to themselves about me. I was beginning to get stressed, yet wasnt doing anything, just telling myself I didnt believe them. And trying to avoid them. Then I figured out that I was believing in not being my potential, what I needed to go up another step in recovery. You dont recover and grow in a good way by always taking things easy. You are meant to get better by taking more on because you can, so spurts of growth can be taken correctly, when you see your potential outweighs being uninvolved then your life gets better. I had been looking at all my weakness and using that to give the delusions of psychic powers a credit, instead of summing up my beliefs and closing the chapter. And was being lazy, and stressed. Was wondering if I would get worse. You need to always get your beliefs straight, before you can act in your mind. It is part of the healing process of recovery. You cant assume you will be able to figure it out when it happens, like how I was telling myself to discard the info from my psychic delusions, when I should have looked to the belief, all the evidence, how to react. Going to coping prepared, provides a mind set, one which is where you can call the shots with these core beliefs. Some dont believe you can come to believe in a whole other reality, well was I not crazy as hell, what about others who have done well? I struggle with many delusions even after I stopped believing them, and learnt something valuable, believing true core beliefs, and believing in your self and your commitment and ability, is boiling down to accepting your potential, being your potential and moving on, instead of accepting your weaknesses and taking things easy, even mentallythat is how we end up acknowledging we struggled, have had problems, and that we have never been able to figure out or stop those delusions from happening, it is like giving up, and trying to let them work out sanely. I would sum all this up for you: Core beliefs, need to be based upon the world you lived in before your illness. Things like faith in a God can be added but be careful. Religion is a person to person subject. Reality is best described as that which is supported by physical life, history, science, observation, evidence. When you accept a recovery, you take a hard look at scary delusions and see the core beliefs underneath them. You make your healthy, new core beliefs first by choice and faith. Supporting them sometimes calls upon rules, discipline, but you live them. Like how one day I believed all those delusions and more, and I decided I was crazy but not what was real. I didnt want to stay crazy, so I figured out the goal of recovery, life and sanity like before my life changed. I studied that reality, committed to it, and that same day I began controlling what I thought about, feared, expected, what I was doing was using memories of a good reality to live. That act of going into that process changed me so I began to see much that was not true from not participating and trying not to believe. Some things I made efforts to believe and others anti-belief, my delusions, but now did I try to see what was not there? No. did I try to hear thoughts? No, did I try to master secret powers and my own mystery, no, I was just a man in a mental hospital trying to re-find reality, it was a consuming effort and I was doing something every day since even when I was doing nothing, I was recovering and

learning reality and learning about yourself only happens when you involve a big dose of reality. Step 3: Resisting. We all float down here.----It, by Stephen King You came out of denial, accepted your illness, found relief in the goal of your recovery, studied it and yourself, discarded a crazy reality, crazy identity, and adopted a healthy reality based upon your memories, you have found many delusions as false, and you are now watching and evaluating your own mind and life without just believing everything. It can happen quickly, or slow, but you are starting to be dumbfounded by things you believed. You are looking back at the worst times and trying to make sense of it all. Step 3 is the step that you will use the most. This is because you will reach your goals and then some, and from there you will maintain it, the goal being that you never go backwards but also do not lose touch with your illness. It is in this three step method a way out of madness and into awareness of your illness. What I mean is I have reached my goal, I believe in the same reality I left before my illness took me, and I mean that I am aware of symptoms and have to be to stay in the reality. You can disregard me entirely and try to forget all about it and be unaware of it, and you can take my advice next time you are in a worse rock bottom. I dont just believe you have to stay aware of insanity in sanity and reality, I have tried other life styles where I forget about my illness a good example of them is the system recovery. Look how many keep coming back. Look how many are still delusional. They dont know it but they also agree with me. It is not an advanced, complicated, or negotiable point. This is as important as getting out of denial was, as important as making changes to your reality have been, it is basic foundation. When you went crazy, you couldnt stop. You needed help just to accept that you were. You cant go off medicine. You worked and still do, really hard to get where you are at. It is your brains natural state to be crazy. And a part of you must fight it because past work and medication dont time travel and medication is far from exact and is not able to perform perfectly. This is not to say that your life wont be much better, easier. It will be, and you will feel normal most of the time and you will see that it is worth it all, but believing it is gone, finished, beaten for good, are simply an entrance to denial and self elevation which as we have seen, by the time you can see you were wrong you are deep in a rock bottom. Why? Getting well was real, but why would hard work, meds, and knowledge fix a physical illness of the brain and mind permanently when you think you are better? It is of the brain, thinking you are all better is an easy way for your brain to get back to where it wants to be. It is a physical, chemical, mental affliction that took medication, work, knowledge, guidance just to get you in to reality, never mind feeling great and having perfect thoughts, emotions, etc. Going and believing you have grown, risen past and out of the grasp of your illness is madness just like believing you have risen above secrets of the universe and reality, time, space, and all that. It is the same in that you are stronger than ever, you will make yourself forget parts of the puzzle that was your recovery and illness, so long as it makes you stronger. It is a fatal mistake. Once you have made the changes to your reality, and then have come to believe them all, you want to be carried away into just your normal life, feeling, and living like you did before

your illness. That may not happen just like that. I was mentally ill for a long time, I went thru traumatic events, and I think and feel very differently than I did before my illness because I have had to adapt but the reality is the same. I deal with symptoms, and emotions. I dont wait for my life to seem as it did, I am not the same. My advice is to get your first recovery right and keep doing it for that effect to occur. Dont rely on a recovery that does something to materialize, like this book, then forget about it, thinking what you learnt was applied. You know you are applying the recovery by being aware of your illness and being aware of your resistance. I have to stress; I was crazy for over ten years. I thought five times I had risen out and I believed it, the only time in ten years where I can say I was sane is the four years after working this recovery. My illness is my natural brain and chemistry. Normal people dont see demons. I have. I take meds. I tried life without and also without a relationship with my illness, and all those recoveries failed. I fight and I get to live in sanity and reality. Step 3 is the step through which you can live normally with confidence with a mental illness, not forgetting about it. How? Why? Because when you can see yourself being productive while you attack, resist, prevent, cope, against specific symptoms day after day, you get a measure of how much you can handle when you dont fight, when you fight hard, and when enough days have gone by and you havent given an inch of your real life, your beliefs, you still get surprised by them because you are normal and you dont expect or want them, but at the same time you can list countless delusions and could write about a very bad psychotic day and why and how it got worse, day after day of that and you get confident. After an assignment I will give you some personal valuable advice. Assignment: List your first major delusions. List your last delusions. List your most traumatic experiences. List how you have changed from who you were before your illness. List how you would like to be in the future. List the delusions that have been the most upsetting. List the symptoms or delusions that affect who you wish to become. List all the symptoms you can recognize. List how bad your symptoms would have to be for you to be anxious. List how bad they would have to be for you to seek a med adjustment. List how bad they were in the past. Write about what would happen in a day that made your time hard. Ex: My first major delusions were psychic powers. My last delusions were and are psychic powers, but the last time I believed any of them for a while was 4 years ago, when I believed in spiritual warfare.

My most traumatic experience was in jail, psychotic, where I was overdosed in a crystal cloud, it never happened. Raped in jail, it never happened. Saving earth in jail, it never happened. Jail. Before, I seemed to float seamlessly thru my conscious experience and life. In my head things were warm and content. Now I live and know fear, my past is painful and heavy, and I seem to erratically go through my conscious and emotional experience. But some days everything is fine, and some days are tough, but never like before my recovery In the future I would like to do the right thing, I dont care if I am unhappy, and I just want to do the right thing. Thing is, as bad as things were, and how many would be uncomfortable with my life, if it never changes Ill keep doing it, I have gratitude for God, and myself. And the last 4 years have been what I had wanted from sanity. For over ten years, I did not have this yet I sought this. The most upsetting delusions to me are ones that happen in your worst times when you are weak and they come at their fullest potential. Anxiety, depression, and stress are all that upset me. But I still will do the right thing, and I still will live my life. Keep in mind I dealt with a lot worse than these and so have you. All the delusions I had kept me from getting sane and living sane, they kept me occupied. All the symptoms I have ever had are delusions, mania, depression, anxiety, hallucinations, voices, mental pain, rage, paranoia, drug addiction. Today I deal with voices, stress, and anxiety. For me to be anxious, I would have to have repetitive hallucinations and voices, but many times you can be anxious because you are anxious. I believe my anxious moments are days when my chemistry is not right, but since I can tag so much and identify it as useless, maybe all that stuff I dont validate just goes somewhere in my brain and causes anxiety. I think anyone who plays policeman in his brain like us; he will have more anxiety than others. I identify too much sleep, alcohol { the next day}, drug use, too much caffeine, doing things you know you shouldnt, putting off things till the last minute, not having a good attitude, not talking to yourself, all these things can cause anxiety. For me to need a med adjustment, I would have to really be struggling while doing things routine. I would also have to have tried hard and not contributed to any of the problems by being careless. If I had brought on or made worse, I would try to learn and fix it. I can have a dreadful day, but everyday is a new day. In the past they were hundreds of times worse. I would have had lots of hallucinations and delusional experiences, thoughts and beliefs. I would have thought I was being very sane and careful. Because I was so intense in the delusional role and my delusional actions, I always thought it had to be real. I would have made irrational associations between things and been paranoid.

So the goal of the exercise, is to see your progress, recognize how you accept reality with limits now, see how those really bad times could have been less painful depending on your actions, beliefs, knowledge of reality and illness, and the role you played in them. Take any normal bad day where I am very anxious, a bit depressed, bad real events have happened, and now imagine if I did not accept my illness and all my symptoms, and there you have a rock bottom, because believing delusions, hallucinations, getting paranoid and thinking it is all real and associating it all to my life and what was going on would be a rock bottom. We will have rock bottoms until we have learnt to handle symptoms. I havent had one for over four years. I have had a grip of things that had I believed them I would have hit bottom, this recovery gives me the chance to discard a perceived reality during, after or before something crazy happens, I guess what I am saying is I accept my situation so much that after a delusion that would have taken me on a fucked up journey, I am too attached to reality to go there and accept my situation that they can happen often in a day and it is no concern, and I just live my life, what am I supposed to do, get scared? Ive had my illness a while, and worked this recovery which identifies realities and delusions, so I have symptoms everyday, the goal is to go on with your life, and anyone who can turn around and say during their psychotic rock bottom they were delusional and stuff didnt really happen, needs to be able to do it all the time like that. I havent met a reliable source with a psychosis whose symptoms, crazy thoughts, all the symptoms are magically gone, never. I have met many who have deluded themselves into thinking they were all gone. I have met others who deal with symptoms like me. If you havent yet, start a journal. Just write as if someone will read it, and you change the way you write. Write about changing, what is real, what isnt, what is important, what hurts you. It is all a better way to see your progress, and you can hold more on a paper than you can always figure out on the back burners of your mind. You should have made your recovery a priority. When you want advice it isnt always what you want to hear. I used to love smoking pot and did it every day. Being aware of my own situation and illness made it an unpleasant experience. It causes delusions, paranoia, voices and hallucinations in crazy people. I tried to quit drinking for a long time, and now Ill let myself drink a little on the weekends. I am a normal person with a normal need to drink a bit. But I am also a person with a mental illness, so I dont get wasted for any reason except the fun of it. I like to drink some with my girlfriend, and watch movies, but my desire to drink and drink, and do that every weekend, are gone and I am glad. Anxiety is a touchy thing. Too much coffee, not taking your meds on time, sleeping too much, being hung-over, feeling nuts, flashbacks, can all make an anxious day horrible. When it happens you have to fight back, bounce back, and always keep an eye for what works for you. Surrendering and drinking or drugging your way out is a total dependency and admission of defeat. Everybody gets anxiety. Some more than others and it affects people differently. Some get mean, some get scared, some pine for certain things or activities, some get chatty, some get restless, some a little or a lot of all of the above. Some feel helpless and a freak, perhaps because normally they control so much, some because they need reasons and dont get any. Anxiety is not treated as a life changer in mental health but it is. When I am anxious I dont like to be in public, but I havent missed a day. I wonder if some people shut down out of fear, and then when they try to function fear and the fact they already are facing their strong, old enemy it is hard to function with confidence and it is hard to feel

confident when facing something that is not acceptable, taught, and have never beaten it for good. So resisting your illness has priorities. You never allow your position on the healthy reality be bent, broken, or denied. When it has been, you go back, fix it, and tough it up, I mean even if something really freaky happened, you stick to your reality. You give your whole self to reality which makes it more a part of you, thus feeling like you are living your normal life. You act as a student of reality and a doctor of mental illness. Believing sane things comes before thinking sane thoughts. Feeling sane comes when the beliefs, thoughts, and lifestyle are all good. Discipline is a good trait for us. I dont allow myself to trip myself out, or stray from reality. Dont ever adopt a philosophy such as just take little steps or too much, those are both signs that you dont yet know yourself or your potential. The safeguard is to be your self with faith. Faith comes from disciplined action carried out. I would say to anyone who was just admitted; your priority should be getting back to reality. That when I tell someone that people think it is good advice, and when I attack the system saying they need to standardize a large chunk of their curriculum, people think I am a fanatic, Ill never understand. I leave you my hard fought advice and philosophy: Life isnt anywhere near perfect. In this strange experience we call life, when we are committed to becoming our potential being joyous and happy when drugs, money concerns, family problems, school, politics,all these things that we have to fight, being joyous and happy when we are lonely, bored, stressed out, lost, regretful,. All these things we have to fight,being joyous and happy with relationship problems, not getting any, grief, all the many things we have to fight like tomorrow never coming, trying to understand ourselves, with all these things and the many other things we have to fight, being joyous and happy is crazier than being depressed, so dont try to be completely sane. Remember how life was before the illness? The beliefs in reality are what you need, dont make the mistake of thinking you were right back then and all different and wrong now, the way you feel inside, the way you thought, just went thru the days, dont think it was beautiful back then and is wrong now. You know we went through before the illness kind of on automatic pilot, just reacting to things? That is how one day you wake up and you are 90 years old. It felt good back then, but today I am more alive, I cant remember any great conversations from back then, Now I have them even when I am alone. I like being able to decide things with some insight which comes from living. I feel like I am 10 times the man I was at 17. The mind is not perfect. Beliefs do not prevent thoughts, anxieties, stress, or perceptions completely. When they do not, use them to help yourself deal with these things, move forward. Look at what beliefs can do in hypnosis. In life beliefs allow changes. Or they can prevent them. Learning which beliefs get challenged daily by your illness is a way to accept that your symptoms are not you. Often, just moving forward without any self aid or action is the way to cope with a symptom. This brings more confidence and reliability to the self. Illegal drugs alter the mental state and it is the brain that responds and makes us feel

high. When you are high your bodys neurotransmitters provide the sensation. I always tried to get higher and happier, one way is by ignoring the work that is sanity another is by being so jazzed you dont think anything is wrong, so I always regressed when I used drugs. Drugs are an escape from sanity, reality, and yourself, and they bring sorrow, regret, pain, mistakes, not to mention rock bottoms. Sanity is work that rewards. The two are opposites, and trying to get the best from both is a grandiose delusion and you will be crazy as hell. Anxiety for no reason does not require bad intentions, bad character, but does require respect. Learning your personal fears and addressing all of them repeatedly does a lot. It takes courage to admit the fears, and it requires personal faith, will, determination, and commitment backed by learnt behavior changes, and habits to fulfill your prophesy and lay the demons to rest. Take the time to know yourself at your most outward and inner depths and you can handle anxieties better. But if you cant write a lengthy piece about yourself, your morals, youre future, your past, the you required for you to beat anxiety isnt there. If you are lonely, bored, un motivated, and not accomplishing anything get a job and be your potential at all the aspects you can think of even for the smallest of jobs. Set goals like get over shyness, learn things, how to be gregarious, work hard, improve your coping skills, improve your memory, etc, all while doing whatever job you have. Then you can crave loneliness, boredom, laziness, and doing nothing.

Live your life and be proud.