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CHAPTER ONE

T

he Internet was making fun of me.I couldn’t lame the Internet! honestl". Thingswere going #er" adl". I had een on some disastrous arena runs! doule $%& records! andthe commentariat was letting me ha#e it. That’s what ha''ens when "ou’re losing while streaming to an audience on Twitch. Then again! it’s also what ha''ens when "ou’re winning. The Internet! as a rule! (ust likes making fun of things. This did not other me somuch. I mean! it othered me in a gloal sense! as in) Internet! I *ee This Is +h" +e Can’t Ha#e Nice Things. ,ut it didn’t unner#e me.+hat unner#ed me was the ti' (ar! which suddenl" had -// dollars in it.0rief I e1'ect. 2one" I do not.3et’s e clear. I am not a ma(or streamer. I’d onl" e#en started it a month ago when mone" from m" last case meant I could afford a com'uter nice enough to stream without lagging. And while I’m sure there are ig%shot streamers who wouldn’t e all that sur'rised " a -// donation! I’m no ig shot. As m" dou% le $%& records would attest.4+ow!5 I said. 4That’s su'er nice of "ou! 6octor 777. Thanks for the cash.5The donor’s name was 6octor 777! incidentall". I’m not redacting to 'rotect an"od". Nood" in this ad#enture gets 'rotected.4kool!5 t"'ed 6octor 777.+hat the 8uck! said the rest of Twitch chat. +hat the actual fuck. I’m summari9ing! ecause there were 'roal" fift" gu"s in the channel t"'ing awa" like s'ider monke"s! ut this was the gist of it. E#er"one could see the ti' (ar:there was actuall" a little animation of an oinking 'igg" ank that 'la"ed:and the ;uestion of the moment was 4+ho the hell would ti' -// to me:a noo with a $%& record<5Honestl"! I was a little with Twitch chat on this one. 3et’s consider)$. *ome 'eo'le on the Internet are Cree'ers.=. Peo'le who gi#e "ou large sums of mone" for no a''arent reason 'roal" ha#e a reason.Cree'ers e real! "’all. I don’t want to hit this 'oint too hard! ut the two ;uestions I’m asked most on Twitch are) 46o "ou ha#e a o"friend<5 and 4+here do "ouli#e<5As it ha''ens! the answers are 4kind of!5 and 4*t. 3ouis!5 although when I answer this for Twitch! I round the 4kind of5 u' to a 4"es! definitel"! he’s #er" strong!5 and 2issouri.*o I tried to 'la" the -// thing cooll"! like this was the kind of thing that ha''ened all the time. Oh! another fi#e hun% dred ucks from a nameless stranger< Cool! I guess. Thanks for watching.,ut Twitch chat did not 'la" it cooll"! ecause cool is not a 'art of the Internet’s wheelhouse. How to e1'lain Twitch chat! reall"< It’s a it like if the mouth reathers whowrote >ouTue comments could t"'e reall" fast and were also dangerousl" caf% feinated.

Dangerously

caffeinated. 3ike Trish’s maniac o"friend on

Jessica Jones

! ut

after

the mind%altering drugs.An"wa"! Twitch was all like) 6octor 777 wants some action. Romantic action! was the im'lication! ecause wh" else would an"one suck u' to a girl with a $%& record! or so went their reasoning. Although! the" con#e"ed this idea with consideral" more lewdness than I (ust managed. It was moments like this that made me generall" glad that Twitch didn’t know m" name.

2" handle on Twitch is *unkern! named for m" second% fa#orite Pok?mon. 2" fa#orite Pok?mon is @iggl"'uff! ut I didn’t want to run a channel with the word 4@iggl"5 in it! and e#en 4Puff5 suggests a mari(uana%themed 'roduction that I do not ha#e the funds or endurance to 'ro#ide. *o) *unkern.4Ha ha! "ou gu"s! let’s start another arena run50o hang "ourself! said Twitch chat.4Could I message "ou 'ri#atel"<5 asked 6octor 777. And I thought)

Oh lord, here it is. Creeper City.

43et’s not!5 I said! tr"ing to sound cheerful and right. 4@ust t"'e whate#er "ou want to sa" in front of e#er"one. Now! what class should we choose for the ne1t run< *haman! +arrior! Priest<5,urnt said Twitch chat:I’m 'ara'hrasing:6ahlia 6one *tole A33 "our mone".Onl" the" didn’t sa" 6ahlia! ecause I am secreti#e. In fact! I’#e e#en 4sli''ed5 on the channel and accidentall" used m" 4real name!5 which as far as the" know is 3ouise.4I’m o'ening the #oting right now!5 I told the chat.4I know this is going to sound forward!5 t"'ed 6octor 777! 4ut I was wondering if "ou could come to the Endicott Hotel in *t. 3ouis tomorrow.5Bm! no! I cannot. This is not

The Vanishing

! 6octor 777. ,ut I did not sa" that aloud! I (ust smiled at the #otes! which were all for Priest:the worst 'ossile class: ecause these gu"s were fucking with me. E#er" last one of them.40osh! I don’t know! 6octor 777!5 I said! tr"ing to sound 'ositi#e and not at all concerned. 4I ha#e a 'lan for tomorrow.5 This was true! in that m" 'lan was not to e drugged and murdered in a hotel.2eeting someone named 6octor 777 at a 'lace I had ne#er heard of was so o#iousl" a ad idea that e#en Twitch was against it. 6ON’T 6O IT said Twitch chat! with all ca's and e1clamation 'oints and a''as! which are these scream% ing disemodied heads that are hard to e1'lain ecause the" don’t make a lot of sense out of conte1t. Actuall"! now that I think aout it! the" don’t make a lot of sense in conte1t. ,ut no matter.E#en a Twitch chatter whose name was:and I’m not making this u':The 0rim Ra'er:t"'ed)43ouise:I ho'e "ou’re not seriousl" thinking of going to this hotel.5There was a lot of u'roar. 8or a grou' of 'eo'le who tended to com'lain aout white knights:Twitch chat was eing 'osi% ti#el" 'aternal.Take his mone" and mute him! said Twitch chat. Take all the mone".,ut 6octor 777 (ust ke't on t"'ing.4There’s going to e a tournament there tomorrow. 8or

Dark Alleys

< ind of a igdeal. The winning team is going to take home -=/!///.54>eah!5 I said. 4I’d heard aout that! ut I don’t reall" 'la" a lot of fighters.5This was a sort of a lie! ecause I had gotten slightl" osessed with

Skullgirls

for a while! ut this was a detail 6octor 777 did not need to know. ,esides which:eing good in one fighting game doesn’t mean "ou’re going to e an" good in another. The s'orts e;ui#alent is sort of like) oh! I heard "ou like soccer! so I’d figured "ou’d e great at ice hocke". >es! the two s'orts are! #er" roadl" s'eaking! similar! ut the de#il is reall" in the details! as "ou’ll disco#er when "ou reak "our legs as "ou tr" to run across a sheet of ice.4*ome serious stuff is going to go down at that tournament!5 said 6octor 777.4*ounds like a fun da"!5 I told him! right%clicking to ring u' the mute o'tion.