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Saying The Right Thing
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
I love you. What happened last night?“ He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough. What happened last night?" . there is hot breakfast. eating. Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough. His son is also at the table. His son is also at the table.. "Honey. "Son.. "Son. Jack asks. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. breakfast is on the stove.. steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.. darling! Love. steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. there is hot breakfast. Jack asks. eating.
you screamed. you came home after 3 A. Confused. and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies. "Leave me alone.38. PRICELESS!!! . Two Aspirins: $. Hot Breakfast: $4. "So. why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose. drunk and out of your mind. at the right time. "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom. You fell over the coffee table and broke it. and when she tried to take your pants off. . . I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table: $239. Saying the right thing. and then you puked in the hallway.20. and got that black eye when you ran into the door. "Well.M. he asked his son.99..
English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know the book Men are from Mars. here's a prime example of that. Women from Venus? Well. Men are from Mars. and Women are from Venus mark as unread Men are from Mars. Miller In class Assignment for Wednesday: . This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
The process is simple. And now. and so on back and forth. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The first person will then add a third paragraph. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. the Assignment as submitted by . The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.
Today we 2. a new form called the tandem story. Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. will experiment with 3. S + V + O/C 1. .
will read 3. The partner 2. the first paragraph and then (coordinate conjunction ) 2. . another paragraph to the story. add 3.1.
is 3. The story 2.has been written 3. Remember to re-read what (subordinate conjunction) 2. over when (1)both (2)agree (3)a conclusion (2)has been reached.2. each time in order to keep the story coherent. . 1.
His possessiveness was suffocating. that he liked chamomile. and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. at all costs. keep her mind off Carl. The chamomile. who once said in happier times. So chamomile was out of the question. Rebecca & Gary: At first. now reminded her too much of Carl. Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. . But she felt she must now. which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home.
now reminded …. now reminded her too much of Carl. who. that . who once said in happier times.. The chamomile.of carl Which. that he liked chamomile. which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home. The chamomle…….
leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4.. had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an airheaded asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.. Meanwhile.". The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. Advance Sergeant Carl Harris.S. "A. But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay." he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far. . Harris to Geostation 17.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately. . The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. she pondered wistfully. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel". "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?". She stared out the window. Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Soon afterwards. dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree. with no newspapers to read. Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President. they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. With no one to stop them. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth. in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam. carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" . the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. Thousands of miles above the city. Little did she know. felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
. Yeah? Well. Bitch. Asshole. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. This is absurd. My writing partner is a violent. semi-literate adolescent. chauvinistic.
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "where do you want these blinds?" ." replies a voice from the other side of the door. After conferring about this for a while. The two nuns look at each other and shrug. they open the door. and paint in the nude." says the man. The nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. "Nice gazongas. strip off their habits. and. "Blind man. and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room. In the middle of the project. there comes a knock at the door.
.. *I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly. "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. You need a good laugh! mark as unread Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:. He knew better*. .
I looked at him and said. He asked if he could help me.* . the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. Without thinking."* *My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. the boy grinned. I replied. I was approached by one of the good. and I turned beet-red and walked away. As we were looking at the display case. "I think I like playing with men's balls. To this day.looking gentlemen who works at the store. "No." My sister started to laugh hysterically. my sister has never let me forget about it. I'm just looking at your nuts. *I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes.
"Dan!. so I asked him if he needed to go. and she was clean. I smelled something funny. did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up." he replied. bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while." Then I said. "No. and he said. IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. I asked one more time. and I don't have any clothes with me. yanked down his pants. "Oh Lord." I kept thinking. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident. Soooooo. are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No. he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. that child has had an accident. It was very busy. While enjoying my taco. *Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. so of course I checked my sevenmonth-old daughter. because the smell was getting worse. with a full dining room. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. "SEE MOM. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!* . "Danny.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't. *This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will. where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set. in the future. but half the crew did too! . likely think before she speaks.
grab your drinks and hold your nuts. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off. No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston. and to have everyone buckle up. the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. we're taking off". While on a flight from New York. and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. .
when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. I quit. looking angry. *I was working in an aquarium. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him. "Damn it! They can't digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say. and said to him. .
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