6-Way-Win Shared Parenting

Shared Parenting
The Six- Way-Win Program
Liam Ó Gógáin
14th June 2008
Families, Change and Social Policy Ireland 2008
• The Landscape
• The Problem
• The Solution
• The Plan
www.parentalequality.ie ©2008
The Landscape
Landscape
Relationship difficulties within

families, marital breakdown and
the separation of unmarried
parents have a significant and
continually increasing impact
across the whole spectrum of the
Irish socio-economic reality.
Landscape
The consequences of child

custody, access and maintenance
conflicts that are the fallout of the
relationship breakdown between
the parents is increasingly being
recorded, acknowledged,
measured and linked to negative
socio-economic indicators.
These indicators include an

increase in male suicide, poor
educational and health
outcomes for children of
separated couples, increase in
societal stress levels and
worsening of levels of mental
health and sense of well-
being.
There are increasing levels of

interpersonal domestic
violence by both women and
men, increase in abuse of
alcohol and other addictive
substances and detrimental
impact on employee
effectiveness in the workplace.
Social workers and childcare

professionals are being
overburdened with increasing
demands on their services;
there is a spiralling increase in
the number of family law cases
appearing before the Courts.
This impacts on the workload and cost

to the tax payer of maintaining the
Court system, and wastes ever-
increasing sums of hard earned
money by both mothers and fathers,
monies that should be spent on
rearing and developing their children
(but which gets diverted into paying
costly legal bills which follow from the
adversarial legal process).
State funded research and

statistics continue to show that as
a result of and/or in spite of the
raft of family law legislation
developed over the last quarter of
a century in Ireland, the cost of
relationship breakdown both in
human and economic terms to
Irish society continues to rise.
There is no indication
whatsoever of either a levelling
off of these costs or of a
reversal in the trends of
relationship breakdown !
Irish Family Policy
Why Change?
If you’re heading in a direction which

leads to somewhere you don’t want to
go to, then if you don’t take action and
change your direction and trajectory
then you’re going to end up where you
don’t want to be.
The Problem
The level of births outside of

marriage now exceeds one in
three births. Recently published
research indicates that over 20%
of recently married “Celtic Tiger”
couples have already experienced
relationship breakdown.
Social Welfare LP payments at

€800m (including rent allowance),
80,000 brides of the taxpayer,
less than 1,800 fathers
contributing to the state. (Sunday
Times Dec 5th 2004)
It is obvious that legislation and the

social and economic policies
implemented over the last quarter of a
century in Ireland have, at best, failed
to curb the rising levels of relationship
breakdown and the consequence of
damage to the parents, children,
extended families and community as
a whole.
It could be argued that at worst,

such policies have in fact
spawned and propagated the
relationship breakdown and
domestic violence industry.
The traditional and stereotypical

structures that have been put
in place to deal with
relationship breakdown and
child custody issues are
founded on an outdated and
illogical belief system:-
1) that mothers are primarily

dependent on men, victims rather
than co-perpetrators of domestic
violence, primary and more
competent child carers than
fathers, and invariably innocent
victims in the event of a
2) As a corollary, fathers in
relationship breakdown are
presumed to be primarily guilty
of misbehaviour, expected to
be primary and continuing
bread winners and providers
for the whole family costs even
post separation. www.parentalequality.ie ©2008
3) Fathers are expected to leave or be

removed from the family home and to
provide secondary accommodation
for themselves while continuing to
pay off the mortgage on the family
home, pay maintenance to the
children’s mother while also provide
for the children in the time that they
have access to the children.
Custody of children has

traditionally been granted to
only one parent, creating a
hierarchy of supremacy and
subordination and instilling
fundamental parental
inequality.
Following the introduction of the

1989 Judicial Separation Act
the normal expected outcome
of Family Law cases has been
that of custody and family
home to the mother.
A father and his children get limited

access to each other (effectively
depended on the mothers
cooperation with practically no
court enforcement by a toothless
legal system in the event of
frustrated access by the mother to
the father).
Mothers have ingested the

presumption of sole custody,
maintenance and the right to
protection and barring orders
at their whim as part of their
fundamental expectations in a
At the same time the

expectation of fathers has
continually been eroded and
attenuated both in terms of
typical legal advice and also of
anecdotal evidence among
their peers.
Among fathers the expectation is,

at best, to have partial access to
their children to continue to pay
for two homes and face an ever-
increasing demand to produce
finance, while facing the ever-
present fear of being dragged
back into court for applications of
increasing maintenance.
INCREASING
• Rate of DivorceMarriage/Relationship
breakdown.
• Rate of Births outside Marriage > 30%
• Draw on Exchequer through massive Lone
Parent Welfare payments.
• Rate of Suicide by Males.
• Number of Family Law cases in court.
INCREASING
• Rate of DivorceMarriage/Relationship
breakdown.
• Rate of Births outside Marriage > 30%
• Draw on Exchequer through massive Lone
Parent Welfare payments.
• Rate of Suicide by Males.
• Number of Family Law cases in court.
INCREASING
• Level of Frustration of non-custodial fathers.
• Levels of violence/crime involving young
males.
• Overburdening of women – parenting alone.
• Children with no male role models at home or
in school.
• Percentage of child’s life spent in creches.
• Loss of grandparent and extended family
relationship with grandchildren in divorce.
INCREASING
• Level of Frustration of non-custodial fathers.
• Levels of violence/crime involving young
males.
• Overburdening of women – parenting alone.
• Children with no male role models at home or
in school.
• Percentage of child’s life spent in creches.
• Loss of grandparent and extended family
relationship with grandchildren in divorce.
This bleak model for dealing with

relationship breakdown by failing
to address the needs of all
elements of the family system
promotes unrealistic and unjust
expectations amongst women and
presents men with a rather
depressing and futile future.
The Solution
Irish Family Policy
It’s OK to Change?
Once we realise that imperfect

understanding is the human
condition, there is no shame in
being wrong, only in failing to
correct our mistakes.
Irish Family Policy
What type of Change?
I’m mindful of a saying from the

American Indian tradition:-
“When implementing change be

mindful of the effects seven
generations hence”.
Think Both Radical and Sustainable!

Irish Family and Society
Where are we at?
Where do we want to be?

PE- Shared Parenting Agency
Promoting
Productive,
Positive
Participative
Child support
Introducing!
Shared Parenting
The Six- Way-Win

Program
In which Direction do we wish to travel ?
Single Parent Families ! Balanced sustainable

relationships between men and
Fatherless children ! women based on mutual respect,
Rights for women ! Parity of esteem and Equal
treatment for both sexes.
Castaway men !
Shared Parenting as a cultural
Societal disharmony ! value whether Parents are together
or separate.
A society with little value
placed on Community ! Community as the Core Value of
Irish society
Single Parent Families !

HARD LUCK!
Fatherless children !
Rights for women ! YOU LOSE!

Castaway men !
Societal disharmony !
A society with little

value placed on Click to try again !
Community !
Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program
EASY!
Choose any
Option and You,
and all of us can
Win!
Click to choose !
Shared Parenting
The Six- Way-Win
Program
Click on any
option to
WIN!
Click to CONTINUE
for Children by having continuous

love and care from both of their
parents and their extended
families, whether the parents
themselves remain together or not.
Try Another !
for Fathers where Fathers are fully

integrated as equals in childcare with the
love, nurture and validation parenthood
brings with it.
Try Another !
for Mothers where Mothers are fully

integrated as equals in childcare with the
love, nurture and validation parenthood
brings with it.
Try Another !
for Aunts, Cousins, Grandparents

and Uncles in the network of
extended Families by maintaining
meaningful engagement with
children even if a parental
relationship breaks down.
Try Another !
for Society in general, where the previous

four supported groups have better levels of
emotional wellbeing, physical and mental
health and available emotional energy with
a consequential reduction in the loading of
our health and education resources.
Try Another !
finally for the exchequer and the taxpayer. A shared

Parenting world where both parents and extended
families contributing to solution building around
childcare (thus ensuring the healthy propagation of
our species) rather than overloading the taxpayers
with ever increasing lone parent, legal, medical,
behavioural problems etc.
Try Another !
OK!
So what’s the catch?
What’s the downside?
So Who loses?
Who are THE LOSERS ?

WHO LOSES? Well the obvious answer is
the parasites, the range of professionals,
including legal, social workers, psychiatrists,
psychologists etc who understandably with
the base human condition respond to the
TOXIC INCENTIVE to fuel acrimony in family
systems.
….whether passively (a subtle agenda in itself) or not.
BUT!
There is hope even for the Toxic Losers!
In a scene from Zhivago, the revolution has taken
over and the soldiers are returning from the front.
The Bolshevik turns to Zhivago, the aristocratic
doctor who is now disenfranchised in the
hierarchical paradigm shift and with honesty
says:- “Want some advice, honoured Doctor, said
the millstone to the barley …………
ADAPT!!”

So there is a future for those same
professionals who thrive on the
pain, suffering and turmoil which is
the inevitable outcome of
adversarial family law. They can
adapt and become shared parenting
lifestyle coaches and conflict
resolution facilitators.
Change but HOW?
When Paradigms change everybody goes back

to Zero.
In times of change the learners inherit the world
while the experts are perfectly equipped but for a
world that no longer exists.
There are many unknowns, fears for children,
extended families, men and women. There are
fears among the paid professionals of their
losing status and earning power.
Let’s build a taxation/welfare regime which

imaginatively supports share parenting as a
paradigm shift towards positivity, in contrast with the
present model, whereby a couple are financially
better off, by technically separating, so that the
mother can be classified as a Lone Parent and get
housing and financial benefits, the father can pay
cash under the table and both can then reside
together illegally but with the guaranteed turning of
the blind eye by a corrupt and vacant social welfare
system.
The Plan
PE - Shared Parenting Agency

An Online/Anytime flexibly accesible structure
based fundamentally in line with the
government’s policy of moving towards e-
government by providing information, support,
training and peer sharing of insight and learning
(both self-managed and directed), and a sense
of community to the public. This structure is
coherent and cohesive and sustainable and cost
effective.
Deliverables:-
•Online Shared Parenting delivery, FAQ
and One Stop info centre.
•An office based in Dundalk delivering a
locally based service.
• Distillation of the experiences and
transition of learning into online support
environment.
•Web based interactive community and
online radio to support parenting.
Deliverables:-
•Online Shared Parenting delivery, FAQ
and One Stop info centre.
•An office based in Dundalk delivering a
locally based service.
• Distillation of the experiences and
transition of learning into online support
environment.
•Web based interactive community and
online radio to support parenting.
Parental Equality Vision !

Fathers and Mothers share
equally the parenting of their
children from pre-conception
through their formative years,
with the support of their
communities !

The courts, statutory and
educational services
proactively respect parenting,
treating and supporting both
parents equally !

The cultural values and
Welfare Strategies actively
protect the children’s right to
the love and society of both
their fathers and mothers!
Socio-economic planning is
based on the core value of
both parents spending
substantive time with their
children

Women and men struggle together in
partnership rather than against
each other (in a gender war), to
manage the increasing and complex
demands of balancing childcare and
career.
Thank you for watching
Please lend your support
If your head can Conceive !

and your heart can Believe !
Then WE can Achieve !

6-Way-Win Shared Parenting

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Shared Parenting

The Six- Way-Win Program

Relationship difficulties within

The consequences of child

These indicators include an

There are increasing levels of

Social workers and childcare

This impacts on the workload and cost

State funded research and

Irish Family Policy

If you’re heading in a direction which

The level of births outside of

Social Welfare LP payments at

It is obvious that legislation and the

It could be argued that at worst,

The traditional and stereotypical

1) that mothers are primarily

3) Fathers are expected to leave or be

Custody of children has

Following the introduction of the

A father and his children get limited

Mothers have ingested the

At the same time the

Among fathers the expectation is,

This bleak model for dealing with

Irish Family Policy

Once we realise that imperfect

Irish Family Policy

What type of Change?

I’m mindful of a saying from the

“When implementing change be

Think Both Radical and Sustainable!

Irish Family and Society

Where are we at?

Where do we want to be?

PE- Shared Parenting Agency

The Six- Way-Win

In which Direction do we wish to travel ?

Single Parent Families ! Balanced sustainable

Single Parent Families !

Rights for women ! YOU LOSE!

A society with little

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

for Children by having continuous

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

for Fathers where Fathers are fully

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

for Mothers where Mothers are fully

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

for Aunts, Cousins, Grandparents

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

for Society in general, where the previous

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

finally for the exchequer and the taxpayer. A shared

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

Who are THE LOSERS ?

Shared Parenting. The Six- Way-Win Program

Change but HOW?

When Paradigms change everybody goes back

Let’s build a taxation/welfare regime which

PE - Shared Parenting Agency

Parental Equality Vision !