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Defining Emotion and Feeling

O An emotion is something
you feel that is brief, that is
always linked to an event
or a person.
Four Basic Emotions

Shame. Shame is not a primary feeling. Primary feelings
are present at birth. Every baby will feel sad, mad, glad
and scared. But no baby feels ashamed. This is learned.
Inevitable Complexity
O Some complex feelings. The primary feelings combine to form
complex feelings. Here are some combinations to ponder.
O Sadness and anger combine to the "hurt" feeling. There is a mixed sense
of loss and violation.
O Sadness and fear combine to feeling "needy". A sense of impending loss
mixed with a desperation to cling to what you expect to lose.
O Sadness and joy combine as nostalgia.
O Fear and joy combine to excitement or fun (depending on the proportions).
Kids love this combination.
O Fear and anger combine to form rage. There is always an element of
helplessness, of fear, in rage.
O Anger and joy combine to form self-righteousness. Another name for this is
Why Emotions are Important
O Survival
O Decision Making
O Predicting Behavior
O Boundary Setting
O Communicating

O The emotions of empathy, compassion,

cooperation, and forgiveness, have the potential
to unite us as a species. It seems fair to say that,
generally speaking: Beliefs divide us. Emotions
unite us.
80% of the people who
fail at work do so for one
reason: they do not relate
well to people.

Out of control
emotions makes
smart people
Emotion related dysfunction
O all or nothing thinking O Impact on physical health
O disqualifying the position O cardiovascular disease
O jumping to negative O progression of diabetes
conclusions O progression of cancer
O labeling & mislabeling O onset of hypertension
O excessive worrying O Impact on relationships
O should statements
O Impact on mental health
O stonewalling
How to define EI
A Definition of Emotional Intelligence

2000 years ago Plato said, All learning has an emotional


The capacities to create optimal results in your

relationships with others.

That (wo)man is disciplined and happy who can prevail

over the turmoil that springs from desire and anger.
Bhagavad Gita

Being nice
Letting feelings
hang out
Emotional Intelligence refers to the capacity for
recognizing our own feelings and those of others,
for motivating ourselves, and for managing
emotions well in ourselves and our relationships.
Goleman, 1998
Emotional Items Needs Needs Some Definite
Competency Substantial Development Strength

Self 1-6 25 or below 26-30 31 or

Awareness above
Self 7-12 26 or below 27-31 32 or
Regulation above
Motivation 13-18 26 or below 27-30 31 or
Empathy 19-24 25 or below 26-30 31 or

Social Skills 25-30 24 or below 25-29 30 or

Taking the time for mindfulness

Recognizing and naming emotions Nine Strategies

Understanding the causes of feelings

Differentiating between emotion and the need to take action

Learn to be optimistic

Managing anger through learned behavior or distraction techniques

Electing an emotion mentor Promoting

Learning to postpone an outburst Intelligence
Developing listening skills
Struggling to get rid of our emotions can be like
playing tug of war with a monster
Sometimes the best thing to do is let go of the rope
Expressing Negative
O Avoid being dramatic
O Try not to wait till things build up
O Be brief
O Try not to blame or lay guilt trips
O Talk about how you feel
O Ask how the other person feels
O Offer a way to save face (for example,
perhaps I misunderstood you," or "I know
your intentions were good.")