80 AsserLlve CommunlcaLlon

81 AsserLlve CommunlcaLlon
uo you have Lrouble saylng no even when you really should?
uo you feel llke people walk all over you?
uo you have Lrouble keeplng your Lemper under conLrol?
lf you answered yes Lo any of Lhe above quesLlons you mlghL flnd lL really helpful Lo learn abouL asserLlve
communlcaLlon
82 WhaL ls AsserLlveness?
AsserLlveness ls Lhe ablllLy Lo honesLly express your oplnlons feellngs aLLlLudes and rlghLs wltboot ooJoe
ooxlety ln a way LhaL doesnL lnfrlnge on Lhe rlghLs of oLhers
lLs noL aggresslveness lLs a mlddle ground beLween belng a bully and a doormaL
lLs dependenL on a feellng of selfefflcacy a sense LhaL lf you behave ln a cerLaln way someLhlng predlcLable wlll
occur
Where does nonasserLlve behavlor come from?
Many of us are LaughL LhaL we should always please and/or defer Lo oLhers LhaL lL ls noL nlce Lo conslder our
own needs above Lhose of oLhers or LhaL we shouldnL make waves LhaL lf someone says or does someLhlng
LhaL we donL llke we should [usL be quleL and Lry Lo sLay away from LhaL person ln Lhe fuLure
83 Why ls AsserLlveness lmporLanL?
lf you donL know how Lo be asserLlve you mlghL experlence
uepresslon lrom anger Lurned lnward a sense of belng helpless hopeless wlLh no conLrol over your llfe
8esenLmenL Anger aL oLhers for manlpulaLlng or Laklng advanLage of me
lrusLraLlon Pow could l be such a wlmp? Why dld l leL someone vlcLlmlze me?
1emper/vlolence lf you canL express anger approprlaLely lL bullds up unLll lL blows
AnxleLy whlch leads Lo avoldance lf you begln Lo avold slLuaLlons or people LhaL you know wlll make you
uncomforLable you may mlss ouL on fun acLlvlLles [ob opporLunlLles relaLlonshlps and loLs of oLher good
sLuff
oor relaLlonshlps of all klnds nonasserLlve people are ofLen unable Lo express emoLlons of any klnd
negaLlve or poslLlve lLs murder for a relaLlonshlp when Lhe parLners canL Lell each oLher whaL Lhey wanL
and need and how Lhe oLher person affecLs Lhem no one ls a mlnd reader 1he same ls Lrue for frlendshlps
and work relaLlonshlps
hyslcal complalnLs Peadaches ulcers hlgh blood pressure We all know whaL sLress does Lo our bodles
and asserLlveness when lL becomes a hablL ls a greaL sLress rellever
arenLlng problems klds are born knowlng how Lo LesL Lhe llmlLs Lhelr parenLs seL for Lhem lf parenLs
arenL asserLlve and flrm Lhelr klds wlll walk all over Lhem!
84 1esL your asserLlveness
Can you express negaLlve feellng abouL oLher people and Lhelr behavlor wlLhouL uslng abuslve language?
Are you able Lo exerclse and express your sLrengLh?
Can you easlly recognlze and compllmenL oLher people's achlevemenL?
uo you have confldence Lo ask for whaL ls rlghLfully yours?
Can you accepL crlLlclsm wlLhouL belng defenslve?
uo you feel comforLable accepLlng compllmenLs?
Are you able Lo sLand up for your rlghLs?
Are you able Lo refuse unreasonable requesLs from frlends famlly or coworkers?
Can you comforLably sLarL and carry on conversaLlon wlLh oLhers?
uo you ask for asslsLance when you need lL?
?es response Lo quesLlons lndlcaLe asserLlve approach
83 WhaL ls asserLlve communlcaLlon?
AsserLlve communlcaLlon ls Lhe ablllLy Lo express poslLlve and negaLlve ldeas and feellngs ln an open honesL
and dlrecL way lL recognlzes our rlghLs whllsL sLlll respecLlng Lhe rlghLs of oLhers lL allows us Lo Lake
responslblllLy for ourselves and our acLlons wlLhouL [udglng or blamlng oLher people And lL allows us Lo
consLrucLlvely confronL and flnd a muLually saLlsfylng soluLlon where confllcL exlsLs
86 So why use asserLlve communlcaLlon?
All of us use asserLlve behavlor aL Llmes qulLe ofLen when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may
resorL Lo submlsslve manlpulaLlve or aggresslve behavlor
?eL belng Lralned ln asserLlve communlcaLlon acLually lncreases Lhe approprlaLe use of Lhls sorL of behavlor lL
enables us Lo swap old behavlor paLLerns for a more poslLlve approach Lo llfe lve found LhaL changlng my
response Lo oLhers (be Lhey work colleagues cllenLs or even my own famlly) can be exclLlng and sLlmulaLlng
87 1he advanLages of asserLlve communlcaLlon
1here are many advanLages of asserLlve communlcaLlon mosL noLably Lhese
lL helps us feel good abouL ourselves and oLhers
lL leads Lo Lhe developmenL of muLual respecL wlLh oLhers
lL lncreases our selfesLeem
lL helps us achleve our goals
lL mlnlmlzes hurLlng and allenaLlng oLher people
lL reduces anxleLy
lL proLecLs us from belng Laken advanLage of by oLhers
lL enables us Lo make declslons and free cholces ln llfe
lL enables us Lo express boLh verbally and nonverbally a wlde range of feellngs and LhoughLs boLh
poslLlve and negaLlve
1here are of course dlsadvanLages
88 ulsadvanLages of asserLlve communlcaLlon
CLhers may noL approve of Lhls sLyle of communlcaLlon or may noL approve of Lhe vlews you express Also
havlng a healLhy regard for anoLher persons rlghLs means LhaL you wonL always geL whaL ?Cu wanL ?ou may
also flnd ouL LhaL you were wrong abouL a vlewpolnL LhaL you held 8uL mosL lmporLanLly as menLloned earller
lL lnvolves Lhe rlsk LhaL oLhers may noL undersLand and Lherefore noL accepL Lhls sLyle of communlcaLlon
89 WhaL asserLlve communlcaLlon ls noL
AsserLlve communlcaLlon ls deflnlLely nC1 a llfesLyle! lLs nC1 a guaranLee LhaL you wlll geL whaL you wanL lLs
deflnlLely nC1 an accepLable sLyle of communlcaLlon wlLh everyone buL aL leasL lLs nC1 belng aggresslve
8uL lL ls abouL cholce
810 MyLhs abouL asserLlveness
CLher peoples feellng and rlghLs are more lmporLanL Lhan yours
?ou wlll offend oLher people by belng asserLlve
?ou are noL lmporLanL enough Lo express your feellngs and rlghLs
811 WhaL ls keeplng you from belng asserLlve
lear of change
8efusal Lo admlL Lhelr submlsslveness
lear of rulnlng relaLlonshlp lf you speak your mlnd
Lack of confldence ln your ablllLles
812 lour behavloral cholces
1here are as l see lL four cholces you can make abouL whlch sLyle of communlcaLlon you can employ
1hese Lypes are
dlrecL aggresslon bossy arroganL bulldozlng lnLoleranL oplnlonaLed and overbearlng
lndlrecL aggresslon sarcasLlc decelvlng amblguous lnslnuaLlng manlpulaLlve and gullLlnduclng
submlsslve walllng moanlng helpless passlve lndeclslve and apologeLlc
asserLlve dlrecL honesL accepLlng responslble and sponLaneous
asslve 8ehavlor (1he asslve
erson)
Aggresslve 8ehavlor (1he Aggresslve
erson)
AsserLlve 8ehavlor (1he AsserLlve
erson)
Avolds looklng aL people Clares and sLares aL oLhers Makes good eye conLacL
Shows llLLle or no expresslon lnLlmldaLes oLhers wlLh expresslons Shows expresslons LhaL maLch Lhe
message
Slouches and wlLhdraws SLands rlgldly crosses arms lnvades
oLhers personal space
8elaxes and adopLs an open posLure
and expresslons
lsolaLes self from groups ConLrols groups arLlclpaLes ln groups
Agrees wlLh oLhers desplLe feellngs Cnly conslders own feellngs
and/or demands of oLhers
Speaks Lo Lhe polnL
values self less Lhan oLhers values self more Lhan oLhers values self equal Lo oLhers
PurLs self Lo avold hurLlng oLhers PurLs oLhers Lo avold belng hurL 1rles Lo hurL no one (lncludlng self)
uoes noL reach goals and_
may noL know goals
8eaches goals buL hurLs oLhers_
ln Lhe process
usually reaches goals wlLhouL
allenaLlng oLhers
?oure okay lm noL lm okay youre noL lm okay lm okay youre okay
813 AsserLlve versus unasserLlve and Aggresslve 8ehavlor
814 know When Lo be AsserLlve
1here are many scenarlos ln whlch belng asserLlve helps As you go LhroughouL llfe Lhere wlll be many slLuaLlons ln
whlch you wlll be requlred Lo be asserLlve ln many cases belng asserLlve wlll requlre you Lo say no Lo Lhe
demands of oLhers
AL Lhe same Llme whlle Lhere ls noLhlng wrong wlLh Lelllng oLhers no you wlll wanL Lo do so ln a manner LhaL does
noL offend Lhem 1here are ofLen Llmes when we flnd ourselves ln Lough slLuaLlons slLuaLlons where we should say
no buL we ofLen do noL 1here are a number of reasons for Lhls and overcomlng Lhls barrler can allow you Lo
become much more asserLlve
1he flrsL Lype of scenarlo ln whlch you wlll wanL Lo be asserLlve ls a slLuaLlon where someone ls requesLlng
someLhlng from you someLhlng whlch ls valuable 1he Lwo Lhlngs LhaL people wlll requesL Lhe mosL from you ln Lhls
world ls Llme and money
1lme ls a commodlLy LhaL you cannoL geL back once lL ls used and Lhe money LhaL you glve Lo Lhe person may be
hard or lmposslble Lo geL back from Lhem as well Many people flnd lL hard Lo say no ln Lhls slLuaLlon because Lhe
person maklng Lhe requesL may be a frlend or famlly member and Lhe lndlvldual may be passlve
eople wlll ofLen appeal Lo your gullL when Lrylng Lo ask a favor of you 1hose who are lnvolved ln charlLy work wlll
ofLen Lalk abouL Lhlngs such as Lhe number of people who are sufferlng ln Lhe world or Lhlngs of Lhls naLure ln order
Lo appeal Lo your gullL or senslLlve slde so LhaL you can donaLe money Lo Lhem
?our frlends and famlly may explaln LhaL Lhey are ln a LlghL spoL and LhaL Lhey could end up ln a bad sLaLe wlLhouL
your help 1hese are Llmes when lL can be lncredlbly dlfflculL Lo Lell Lhe person no parLlcularly lf you are a naLurally
passlve person
never leL your consclence geL ln Lhe way of belng asserLlve Cne Lhlng LhaL you have Lo undersLand ls LhaL 90 of
Lhe people who ask for your help ofLen do noL need lL lor example lL has been found LhaL many charlLles do noL
acLually glve Lhe money Lhey earn Lo Lhose who are ln need and LhaL famlly or frlend who ls asklng you for money
probably puL Lhemselves ln a poslLlon where Lhey need lL
1hey are probably poor money managers or Lhey are slmply Lrylng Lo use you 8egardless glvlng people whaL Lhey
wanL ofLen does noL help Lhem and you ofLen end up Lhe vlcLlm
lf you are llke many people Lhere have probably been Llmes when your manager or boss asked you Lo do overLlme
or someLhlng else LhaL you dld noL have Lo do Agaln lf you are a passlve Lype you may declde Lo do lL slmply Lo
avold confllcL buL agaln Lhls ls a slLuaLlon where you are llkely belng used
?ou should only work Lhe hours LhaL you agreed Lo work and you declde Lo work more lL should be because you
genulnely wanL Lo noL because you feel pressured by your superlors Lo do so lL ls cruclally lmporLanL Lo undersLand
Lhe necesslLy of proLecLlng yourself aL all Llmes
1he one Lhlng LhaL you have Lo keep ln mlnd ls LhaL human belngs are nonalLrulsLlc people rarely do Lhlngs because
Lhey care abouL you 1hls lncludes famlly members and frlends ln mosL cases when someone requesLs someLhlng of
you Lhey have some sorL of agenda and lL ls usually someLhlng LhaL wlll beneflL Lhem as opposed Lo you
1o proLecL yourself you musL always be wllllng Lo look ouL for your own self lnLeresLs 8emember lf you do noL look
ouL for your own self lnLeresLs no one else wlll 8uL belng rude or aggresslve wlLh people ls noL necessary
uo noL leL people use you buL do noL be rude or aggresslve wlLh Lhem
813CharacLerlsLlcs of asserLlve communlcaLlon
1here are slx maln characLerlsLlcs of asserLlve communlcaLlon 1hese are
eye conLacL demonsLraLes lnLeresL shows slncerlLy
body posLure congruenL body language wlll lmprove Lhe slgnlflcance of Lhe message
gesLures approprlaLe gesLures help Lo add emphasls
volce a level well modulaLed Lone ls more convlnclng and accepLable and ls noL lnLlmldaLlng
Llmlng use your [udgmenL Lo maxlmlze recepLlvlLy and lmpacL
conLenL how where and when you choose Lo commenL ls probably more lmporLanL Lhan WPA1 you
say
816 nonverbal AsserLlve CommunlcaLlon
WhaL ls AsserLlve nonverbal CommunlcaLlon?
nonverbal asserLlve communlcaLlon ls a form of communlcaLlon ln whlch you are asserLlve wlLhouL saylng
anyLhlng 1hls form of asserLlveness requlres you Lo make good use of your body language ln order Lo geL your
polnL across A person who ls asserLlve ls someone who undersLands LhaL everyone has rlghLs
1he lmporLance of AsserLlve LlsLenlng
1he flrsL sLep Lowards performlng nonverbal asserLlveness ls Lo llsLen Lo whaL ls belng sald Lo you When you llsLen
Lo people you leL Lhem know LhaL you undersLand whaL Lheyre saylng Second you allow people Lo know LhaL you
undersLand whaL Lhey are Lrylng Lo say Lo you
When lL comes Lo nonverbal asserLlve communlcaLlon one Lhlng LhaL you musL keep ln mlnd ls LhaL undersLandlng
someone ls dlfferenL from agreelng wlLh Lhem Someone could be Lelllng you someLhlng LhaL you wlll never agree
wlLh buL you can sLlll use asserLlve llsLenlng Lo show Lhem LhaL youre paylng aLLenLlon Lo whaL Lheyre saylng
When you Lalk Lo people look aL Lhem dlrecLly When you do Lhls you show Lhem LhaL youre glvlng Lhem your
undlvlded aLLenLlon lL also may noL be a bad ldea Lo lean forward as Lhls always shows youre llsLenlng 1he besL
posLure Lo have ln a slLuaLlon llke Lhls ls a relaxed one
AnoLher form of llsLenlng LhaL ls closely connecLed Lo asserLlveness ls called asserLlve llsLenlng WlLh Lhls sLyle of
llsLenlng you malnLaln a relaxed sLaLe of mlnd whlle you Lalk wlLh oLhers 1hls allows you Lo beLLer undersLand
whaL ls belng sald whlch wlll allow you Lo ask quesLlons for clarlflcaLlon
Lven when you do noL say anyLhlng lL ls posslble for you Lo communlcaLe a loL Lo Lhose around you Some of Lhe
ways ln whlch you communlcaLe ln Lhls manner lnclude your posLure Lhe gesLures you make Lhe expresslons on
your face and your eyes
Lven when you do noL say anyLhlng lL ls posslble for you Lo communlcaLe a loL Lo Lhose around you Some of Lhe
ways ln whlch you communlcaLe ln Lhls manner lnclude your posLure Lhe gesLures you make Lhe expresslons on
your face and your eyes
Lxamples of 8ad nonverbal AsserLlveness
1here are a number of ways you can communlcaLe bad slgnals Lo Lhose you come ln conLacL wlLh and some of
Lhese Lhlngs lnclude llLLle eye conLacL gesLures whlch make you seem nervous or slouchlng
lf you behave ln Lhese ways people wlll quesLlon Lhe slncerlLy of anyLhlng you say and you wlll flnd lL dlfflculL Lo
bulld sLrong relaLlonshlps wheLher Lheyre buslness or personal lL ls lmporLanL Lo always be ln conLrol of your non
verbal communlcaLlon and always be asserLlve
817 Pow Lo be effecLlvely asserLlve
use asserLlve body language
lace Lhe oLher person sLand or slL sLralghL donL use dlsmlsslve gesLures be sure you have a pleasanL
buL serlous faclal expresslon keep your volce calm and sofL noL whlney or abraslve
use facLs noL [udgmenLs
Lxample ?our puncLuaLlon needs work and your formaLLlng ls lnconslsLenL lnsLead of 1hls ls sloppy
work or uld you know LhaL shlrL has some spoLs? lnsLead of ?oure noL golng ouL looklng llke 1PA1
are you?
Lxpress ownershlp of your LhoughLs feellng and oplnlons
Lxample l geL angry when he breaks hls promlses lnsLead of Pe makes me angry or l belleve Lhe
besL pollcy ls Lo lnsLead of 1he only senslble Lhlng ls Lo
Make clear dlrecL requesLs uonL lnvlLe Lhe person Lo say no
Lxample Wlll you please ? lnsLead of Would you mlnd ? or Why donL you ?
1hlnk and Lalk abouL yourself CSl1lvLL?
LllmlnaLe addlng quallfylng sLaLemenLs Lo your oplnlons or requesLs (eg you'll probably Lhlnk Lhls ls
crazy buL" l guess" buL LhaL's [usL my oplnlon")
8educe Lag quesLlons (eg does LhaL make sense?" ls LhaL okay?")
Consclously Lake responslblllLy for yourself and avold Laklng responslblllLy for oLhers
LllmlnaLe should" oughL Lo" and have Lo"
racLlce uslng Lhe phrase l choose Lo"
Clvlng and geLLlng lnformaLlon
8ecognlze yes/no quesLlons When you are asked a yes/no quesLlon respond wlLh a yes/no answer ?ou do
noL need Lo elaboraLe upon or [usLlfy any response you glve
8ecognlze lnformaLlon quesLlons Clve as much lnformaLlon as you feel comforLable ln response Lo Lhe
quesLlon buL don'L feel you have Lo [usLlfy your answer
l" sLaLemenLs
Avold uslng you" sLaLemenLs LhaL dlsLance you from your feellngs lnsLead use sLaLemenLs LhaL begln wlLh
l feel ______"
Avold uslng you" sLaLemenLs LhaL accuse Many people lnLerpreL sLaLemenLs LhaL begln wlLh you" as
blamlng and ofLen become defenslve ln response
use l sLaLemenLs keep Lhe focus on Lhe problem youre havlng noL on accuslng or blamlng Lhe oLher
person Lxample ld llke Lo be able Lo Lell my sLorles wlLhouL lnLerrupLlon lnsLead of ?oure always
lnLerrupLlng my sLorles!
Clvlng and recelvlng consLrucLlve crlLlclsm
1alk abouL Lhe behavlor noL abouL Lhe person 8e as speclflc as posslble
Couple Lhe crlLlclsm wlLh a compllmenL
Learn Lo dlscrlmlnaLe beLween someLhlng LhaL ls your problem from someLhlng LhaL ls Lhelr problem
leellng Lalk
Speclfy feellngs (eg l see l hear)
racLlce l feel" sLaLemenLs raLher Lhan uslng l Lhlnk" sLaLemenLs
8ecognlze LhaL no one can Lell you how Lo feel 1here are no rlghL or wrong feellngs feellngs [usL are
SLaLemenLs wlLhouL explanaLlons
?ou have a rlghL Lo your oplnlons and declslons
A slmple no" ls enough wlLhouL excuses
818 Pow Lo Pandle 8ullylng aL Workplace
8ullylng ln Lhe work place ls more common Lhan mosL people lmaglne Whenever you are ln an envlronmenL where
you are worklng wlLh a slzeable group of people Lhere wlll always be some lndlvlduals who Lry Lo asserL Lhemselves
over oLhers
Whlle Lhls wlll someLlmes be Lhe manager of Lhe deparLmenL lL wlll ofLen be your oLher coworkers When you
encounLer Lhls slLuaLlon you have Lhree opLlons 1he flrsL ls Lo explode Lhe second ls Lo accepL lL and Lhe Lhlrd ls
Lo be asserLlve ln deallng wlLh lL 1he Lhlrd opLlon ls Lhe besL one
ln mosL cases bullles are lndlvlduals who are very aggresslve 1hey llke Lo geL oLhers Lo do Lhelr blddlng Lhrough
coerclon lnLlmldaLlon or ouLrlghL force Powever ln many cases Lhe bully ls ofLen sufferlng from lnsecurlLy and
Lhey Lend Lo be cowardly
Whlle many people resorL Lo aggresslon ln order Lo counLer Lhe aggresslon of bullles Lhls ls always a bad ldea
lnsLead of counLerlng aggresslon wlLh aggresslon lL ls much beLLer Lo counLer aggresslon wlLh asserLlveness
8ullles are a reallLy and Lhere ls no way Lo geL around Lhem ln Lhe workplace Lhe bully wlll elLher be a fellow co
worker or Lhe boss When lL ls Lhe boss you are havlng problems wlLh you are ln a dlfflculL slLuaLlon buL wlLh a
llLLle blL of plannlng you can handle Lhe slLuaLlon ln Lhe rlghL manner
lf you feel LhaL your boss ls bullylng you lL wlll be hard for you Lo avold Lhem slnce Lhey are your boss AL Lhe same
Llme holdlng lL ln wlll do you llLLle good
1o handle Lhls slLuaLlon you musL do whaL Lhe asserLlve person usually does confronL Lhem and explaln Lo Lhem
how you feel When you do Lhls you should be calm and you should noL exhlblL any slgns of anger or aggresslon
1here ls a good chance LhaL your boss may noL reallze Lhey are hurLlng your feellngs and by slLLlng down and
lnformlng Lhem of Lhls you leL Lhem know how you feel lL ls besL Lo do Lhls flrsL before Laklng Lhlngs Lo Lhe nexL
sLep
now lf afLer you have Lalked Lo your boss Lhey conLlnue Lo boLher you or bully you Lhe nexL sLep ls Lo elLher
reporL Lhem Lo Lhelr bosses or ask Lo slmply be Lransferred Lo anoLher deparLmenL
lf you are Llred of Lhe [ob lLself you may wanL Lo conslder looklng for anoLher [ob buL do noL leL Lhls be known Lo
your superlors
lf you are deallng wlLh a coworker who you feel ls bullylng you lL ls besL Lo handle Lhem ln Lhe same manner
LhaL you handle your boss confronL Lhem ln a calm way and Lalk Lo Lhem abouL lL and leL Lhem know how you
feel
Agaln lf Lhey conLlnue Lhe bullylng only Lhen wlll you wanL Lo Lake Lhlngs Lo Lhe nexL level and have Lhem
reporLed Lo elLher Lhe boss or a hlgher auLhorlLy 1hls ls Lhe besL and mosL maLure way Lo deal wlLh work place
bullles 8uL when you confronL Lhese people abouL your feellngs lL ls absoluLely crlLlcal for you Lo remaln calm
and nonaggresslve
lf you geL angry or argue Lhls wlll make Lhlngs much worse and Lhere ls a good chance LhaL your enLlre
deparLmenL can Lurn agalnsL you 8y belng calm and asserLlve you wlll deflnlLely wln Lhe baLLle