by Cosmo Wallace

based on a story by Will Herbert & Cosmo Wallace

4th July, 2012

310.734.8426 cosmo.wallace@gmail.com

SATURDAY

FADE IN: INT. 6307 ARROYO GLEN ST. - ORVILLES BEDROOM - MORNING For a college freshman the Def Leppard posters, mock leather notepads, kitchen towels and fruit stones laying on the bare carpet might constitute personality. But ORVILLE SAGGART is 30 years old, and this is the room of a man who should know better. He snores off a hangover in the centre of the storm: a vast dumping ground of DVDs, vinyl, half-assed attempts at screenplays and comics, all stacked on the floor and forgotten for something new. The stacks start to shake. A tower of box-set DVDs topples over. Something is happening outside. Something big. Orville wakes with a start. ORVILLE No, Angelique, not a whole stick of butter! Orville rubs the bags under his eyes. The floor is shaking.

ORVILLE (yells) Carlos, are we having an earthquake? The shaking stops. Peace. has a big satisfied yawn. Ah... Orville drops back down in bed and

ORVILLE Saturdays.

There is a CRASH and the floor starts shaking again. ORVILLE In ALL THAT IS HOLY! Orville sits up again, checks the clock. ORVILLE Its only NOON..! A long SHAKING NOISE drowns him out. Orville hobbles to his feet, mutters over to the sink. Splashes water on his face and looks into the mirror. He looks worse than eggs scrambled with dog shit. Orville looks out the window. Theres a man in the garden. Wearing a hard-hat, holding a toaster. He looks at Orville and waves once, awkwardly.

2. ORVILLE Carlos? Is one of your friends trying to make toast in the garden? Theres that SHAKING again. Another stack of DVDs tumbles over. A squeaky voice yells through the wall - CARLOS, 28, Orvilles house-mate. Orville! CARLOS (O.S.) Youre awake?

ORVILLE Whats happening? CARLOS (O.S.) Tell me something important. Ahhhh, do you get violent when you get angry? The floor shakes angrily. ORVILLE Did you trap raccoons in the oven? CARLOS (O.S.) Not this time. Orville frowns and opens the bedroom door to see... INT. HALL Two MEN dragging an upright piano towards the front door. Hey! ORVILLE Thats Grandpas...

The men slam Orville into the wall. UUUUGH! ORVILLE What are you..?

MAN #1 WATCH THE STEP! ORVILLE Where are my..? (tripping over a nail) AAAGH!!! What happened to the..? Orville sees out into the driveway. ORVILLE Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh...

3. EXT. 6307 ARROYO GLEN ST. - DRIVEWAY A large van in the drive, packed with the houses contents. ORVILLE ...What the f..? A bunch of neighbors stand outside their houses, watching. ORVILLE WERE BEING ROBBED! THESE ASSHOLES ARE TAKING MY STUFF! PHONE THE POLICE! MAN #1 Were repossession agents... MAN #2 ...Doing our Judge-appointed duty. Orville points at a crate filled with action figures. ORVILLE A Judge wants my vintage Lion-O? ...Yup. INT. HALL Orville staggers through the hall. A repo man brushes past him, weighed down by a huge box with a spider plant sticking out the top of it. ORVILLE Now youre taking it out on the plants? Orville yanks the spider plant free and runs towards... INT. KITCHEN CARLOS WILLIAMS CARLOS, worst house-mate in the world, hugs a large orthopaedic pillow. He gingerly helps the HEAD REPO MAN, 40s, funeral home demeanor, load boxes with utensils. Orville staggers in holding the spider plant. takes the plant from Orville and boxes it. CARLOS Ill put that right here. Orville pulls the spider plant straight back out of the box and yells in Carloss face. Carlos smiles, MAN #1

4. Carlos? ORVILLE WAKE ME UP, CARLOS!!!

CARLOS Oh. Yeah. I keep forgetting we didnt really talk about this yet. ORVILLE ...WHAT DID YOU DO? HEAD REPO MAN Were repossessing the house and taking the contents as collateral. Orville leans against the table, tries to inhale, but hyperventilates instead. Carlos and the Head Repo Man ignore him and continue packing up the kitchen. HEAD REPO MAN They just said on KNX its gonna stay mideighties all weekend. Very low humidity. Oh, nice! CARLOS Perfect for the beach.

HEAD REPO MAN I wish, brother. Im working all weekend. Oh, Man! CARLOS That sucks! gets upright, looks around, things out of the boxes as takes out a lamp. A French stack of letters. THESE ARE EVICTION

Orvilles breathing slows. He takes stock. He starts taking Carlos packs them in. Orville press. A vegetable peeler. A What are... LETTERS!!!

ORVILLE CARLOS???

CARLOS Yes and no. I mean, mainly yes. There are also angry letters from the bank. ORVILLE OH MY GOD??? What have you been doing with the money in our rent account? Carlos clears his throat. CARLOS The first thing we gotta do is keep calm.

5. Orville answers Carlos by swiping a box off the kitchen table. Kitchen items crash across the floor. My job sucks. HEAD REPO MAN

CARLOS Its cool. Everythings cool. Orville, youre upset. I understand. We all do. Now. Have you heard of a substance called Crack Rock..? Orvilles expression freezes. He picks up the spider plant and slowly sinks to the floor, caressing its leaves. He comes back to life like a million volts shot through a laboratory frog. OH MY GOD! YOU ARE! ORVILLE YOURE A CRACK HEAD! OF COURSE

Orville leaps towards Carlos, brandishing the spider plant. ORVILLE IM GOING TO KILL YOU! The Repo Man gets between them, raising a can of CS spray. Just... HEAD REPO MAN Lets not hurt anyones feelings.

Orville looks between them. He reboxes the spider plant in silence and leaves the room. INT. HALL Orville wanders towards his room, in shock. ORVILLE God, please let this be some kind of hallucination. Please let me be clinging to life in an E.R. somewhere. Let there be a white light behind this door. Orville opens his bedroom door. INT. ORVILLES ROOM The whole room has been stripped. Theres nothing left -- not the carpet. Not the bed frame. Even the post-its with grocery lists have been taken.

6. A muddy trail of footprints converge at the french doors. ORVILLE Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh! Orville runs through the french doors into the GARDEN, follows the prints back through the HOUSE and out to the... EXT. DRIVEWAY ...Just in time to see the van reverse out the driveway and take off down the street. Orville stares at it for about five seconds, blinking. he sprints after it down the road. STOP! STOP! ORVILLE GIVE ME BACK MY SHIT!!! Something falls out the back Then

The van hits a bump in the road. and shatters on the ground.

Orville stops in front of it, gasping for air. Its his spider plant. Orville plucks it out of the road. Neighbors rubberneck at him from their windows and lawns. ORVILLE BRING ME YOUR WEAPONS, PEOPLE! DESPERATE MAN! No response. Orville wails. Im a

ORVILLE Im GLAD I NEVER CAME TO ANY OF YOUR PARTIES! INT. HALL Orville wanders back in. He looks worse than Jack Nicholsons frozen corpse in The Shining. ORVILLE CARLOS, WHERE ARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER? INT. KITCHEN Orville stands in the doorway. Carlos sips a cup of tea. Are you happy?

ORVILLE Everything I have is gone.

7. Carlos raises a piece of paper and tries to decode it. CARLOS Lead dude gave me this: sweet guy, only semiliterate. House occupiers were... What is this? -- behaving in a THREETENING manner. Orville yanks the paper out of Carloss hands. ORVILLE HE CALLED THE FRICKIN COPS? CARLOS Theyll be at least, like, ten minutes... Hot drink? ORVILLE Hot drink? HOT DRINK? -- Do I look..? need a PLACE TO..!? -- HOT DRINK??? CARLOS Lets just relax and get our chill back. ORVILLE Oh, this cant be happening. BE HAPPENING! Carlos sighs. CARLOS Look, Im sorry. I screwed up. screw up. I always THIS CANNOT I

ORVILLE I shouldnt be talking to you. I should be smashing your face with a meat tenderizer! CARLOS We dont have a meat tenderizer. Not now! ORVILLE

CARLOS I wouldnt mind if you killed me. Im in much deeper shit than you are. If you knew the guys I owe money to? I mean... I look at you -- in the terrible position I just put you in -- and Im jealous. Compared to me... Youre a lucky man, Orville. You really should be more grateful. Stop talking. ORVILLE

8. Orville totters to the sink and sticks his head under the faucet. Cooling off. Calming down. Carlos edges behind him and clears his throat. CARLOS This is awkward, but you kinda owe me thirty bucks. Last weeks utility bill. ORVILLE You didnt pay last weeks utility bill. I know. CARLOS But still...

ORVILLE I swear, Carlos, Im five seconds away from manslaughter. CARLOS Okay, okay. Its just... that thirty bucks. I really need

ORVILLE I DONT HAVE THIRTY BUCKS, CARLOS! CARLOS Thats disappointing. Do you have anything here worth thirty bucks? ORVILLE THEY TOOK EVERYTHING! CARLOS You didnt hide anything in advance? Orville stares at Carlos. He considers screaming.

CARLOS Orville? You seem super stressed. At times like this, you gotta ask yourself dude, What would Gandhi do? Orville looks away, thinking about what Gandhi would do. Then Orville steps forwards and launches his right fist with terrific velocity into Carloss nutsack. Carlos drops to the floor like hes been shot. CARLOS OGGHHHWWWWAAAAAAAAAH! (breathes in) That was, like, THE OPPOSITE OF GANDHI...

9. Orville storms out of the kitchen. He returns and looks around for something of Carloss to destroy. He picks up Carloss cup, downs his hot drink in one painful gulp, then smashes it on the floor. He snatches up the spider plant, and then notices Carloss orthopaedic pillow. No... CARLOS

He grabs it up and storms out of the room. CARLOS No, dude! I NEED THAT! VERTEBRAE?! EXT. ARROYO GLEN ST. Orville stomps down the driveway with the pillow under his arm, swearing blindly. He breaks into a run as a police-car pulls up to the house. ROLL CREDITS: Over the CREDITS, we see Orvilles day. He wanders the STREETS with the pillow and spider plant -Bursts into tears in a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT -Yells at his cell phone when it wont connect him -Swears at a MOTEL RECEPTIONIST -Kicks an ATM and runs away from a SECURITY GUARD -Swears in PUBLIC like a crazy person -Knocks on a FRIENDS DOOR that doesnt get answered -Is CHASED from a house by an ANGRY DOG -Runs across the SANTA MONICA FREEWAY -Walks past a BUS STOP swearing -And finally, walks up to the front door of a RICKETY HOUSE with a broken truck in the driveway. DUDE! WHAT ABOUT MY