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    Nora Boyle
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    Joe King wakes up and shakes off a dream about his childhood. Nearing 70, Joe is a widower living in Mission Diablo retirement community in Orange County CA. and often sees the ghost of his dead wife Mary in the living room where they watched TV. Joe drives his big old Buick to the Mission Diablo Senior Center where he encounters the Evil Teenagers, or the grandsons of Ida, another resident. He goes to the cafeteria where he sits with his friend, Frank Mahoney, an aging hipster who coined the nickname for the kids. Joe and Frank are friends since Joe's wife died a few years back. They meet each day, usually at lunch at the Senior Center where other seniors come to eat and connect with each other. There are a few colorful characters like the Sisters, Ruby, Rita, and Rose, who are former Las Vegas showgirls, Tom and Marion who cuddle like teenagers, and Ida, the grandmother of the teenage boys that hang outside the Senior Center, and Fartie Artie who has a irritable bowel. Frank has lung cancer and uses a respirator, and often the 'Seniors' compete with each other over who as the worst ailment. Frank and Joe host poker nights with three other seniors, Ernie, Whitey, and Rick. The Geezer Bandit strikes a bank nearby in Mission Diablo and the newsblast airs on the TV. The guys note that he looks alot like Joe who is late for the game. Joe finally shows up, and when the Geezer Bandit newscast airs again, Joe says he looks like Frank. The men get very drunk and are out of commission by 7 pm and all go home. Frank notices the stockpile of oxygen tanks in Frank's back room and sure enough, a few days later, Frank blows up his house. Frank is presumed dead and while he often mocked Joe who is stodgy and conservative; Joe bemoans his demise. Frank appears out of the rubble and shocks Joe nearly to death, and then moves in with Joe along with his dog. The Housing Authority wants to evict them both and fines Frank thousands of dollars. Joe King has money trouble as his wife's care and subsequent death also buried him in debt, and the bill collectors call daily. When Frank moves in, they cut off his cable, and Frank realizes his friend is in trouble. He suggests a trip to Las Vegas on his tab. Joe keeps asking Frank where he is getting the money, but Frank reassures him that his rich Uncle Sam has died and left him a boatload of money. Frank also reveals that his uncle left him a house in the Caribbean, and Joe asks him why doesn't he just go and live there? Frank is pretty ill and makes regular visits to the doctor - and the emergency room. They go to Las Vegas and eat Franks special brownies and muffins enroute. Frank pulls out a gun and starts shooting things on the country road before they get to the highway, and freaks out Joe. When they get to Las Vegas, they are both blasted out of their minds, start drinking, and get booted out of the casino. They go to the Strip and hire hookers, bringing them back to their room, and then Frank has an attack and can't breathe. The paramedics arrive. They go back home to Mission Diablo and encounter the usual suspects. Nobody's heard from Tom and Marion so Frank goes to spy on them and he and Joe find them dead in bed. "Finally!" Frank said, " somebody really died doing what they love." "Each other," said Joe. There are more explosions when one of the Evil Teenagers gets busted for the Geezer Bandit capers though he was just trying to scare his cousin who works in the bank. He gets interrogated by the FBI, and the special agent, Lucy Ferraro, who heads up the Geezer investigation. Dylan is only 16, and he said he bought the Old Man Mask at Disneyland. The authorities decide to let Dylan go - for now. Frank and Joe drive the Evil Teenagers home along with a bunch of girls that waited for them, and Joe is freaked out once again. Joe pays closer attention to the Geezer Bandit bankjobs, now over ten or eleven. He talks about it with Frank who lauds the Geezer Ba

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    Joe King wakes up and shakes off a dream about his childhood. Nearing 70, Joe is a widower living in Mission Diablo retirement community in Orange County CA. and often sees the ghost of his dead wife Mary in the living room where they watched TV. Joe drives his big old Buick to the Mission Diablo Senior Center where he encounters the Evil Teenagers, or the grandsons of Ida, another resident. He goes to the cafeteria where he sits with his friend, Frank Mahoney, an aging hipster who coined the nickname for the kids. Joe and Frank are friends since Joe's wife died a few years back. They meet each day, usually at lunch at the Senior Center where other seniors come to eat and connect with each other. There are a few colorful characters like the Sisters, Ruby, Rita, and Rose, who are former Las Vegas showgirls, Tom and Marion who cuddle like teenagers, and Ida, the grandmother of the teenage boys that hang outside the Senior Center, and Fartie Artie who has a irritable bowel. Frank has lung cancer and uses a respirator, and often the 'Seniors' compete with each other over who as the worst ailment. Frank and Joe host poker nights with three other seniors, Ernie, Whitey, and Rick. The Geezer Bandit strikes a bank nearby in Mission Diablo and the newsblast airs on the TV. The guys note that he looks alot like Joe who is late for the game. Joe finally shows up, and when the Geezer Bandit newscast airs again, Joe says he looks like Frank. The men get very drunk and are out of commission by 7 pm and all go home. Frank notices the stockpile of oxygen tanks in Frank's back room and sure enough, a few days later, Frank blows up his house. Frank is presumed dead and while he often mocked Joe who is stodgy and conservative; Joe bemoans his demise. Frank appears out of the rubble and shocks Joe nearly to death, and then moves in with Joe along with his dog. The Housing Authority wants to evict them both and fines Frank thousands of dollars. Joe King has money trouble as his wife's care and subsequent death also buried him in debt, and the bill collectors call daily. When Frank moves in, they cut off his cable, and Frank realizes his friend is in trouble. He suggests a trip to Las Vegas on his tab. Joe keeps asking Frank where he is getting the money, but Frank reassures him that his rich Uncle Sam has died and left him a boatload of money. Frank also reveals that his uncle left him a house in the Caribbean, and Joe asks him why doesn't he just go and live there? Frank is pretty ill and makes regular visits to the doctor - and the emergency room. They go to Las Vegas and eat Franks special brownies and muffins enroute. Frank pulls out a gun and starts shooting things on the country road before they get to the highway, and freaks out Joe. When they get to Las Vegas, they are both blasted out of their minds, start drinking, and get booted out of the casino. They go to the Strip and hire hookers, bringing them back to their room, and then Frank has an attack and can't breathe. The paramedics arrive. They go back home to Mission Diablo and encounter the usual suspects. Nobody's heard from Tom and Marion so Frank goes to spy on them and he and Joe find them dead in bed. "Finally!" Frank said, " somebody really died doing what they love." "Each other," said Joe. There are more explosions when one of the Evil Teenagers gets busted for the Geezer Bandit capers though he was just trying to scare his cousin who works in the bank. He gets interrogated by the FBI, and the special agent, Lucy Ferraro, who heads up the Geezer investigation. Dylan is only 16, and he said he bought the Old Man Mask at Disneyland. The authorities decide to let Dylan go - for now. Frank and Joe drive the Evil Teenagers home along with a bunch of girls that waited for them, and Joe is freaked out once again. Joe pays closer attention to the Geezer Bandit bankjobs, now over ten or eleven. He talks about it with Frank who lauds the Geezer Ba

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    Le Geezer Bandit 1

    Uploaded by

    Nora Boyle
    Joe King wakes up and shakes off a dream about his childhood. Nearing 70, Joe is a widower living in Mission Diablo retirement community in Orange County CA. and often sees the ghost of his dead wife Mary in the living room where they watched TV. Joe drives his big old Buick to the Mission Diablo Senior Center where he encounters the Evil Teenagers, or the grandsons of Ida, another resident. He goes to the cafeteria where he sits with his friend, Frank Mahoney, an aging hipster who coined the nickname for the kids. Joe and Frank are friends since Joe's wife died a few years back. They meet each day, usually at lunch at the Senior Center where other seniors come to eat and connect with each other. There are a few colorful characters like the Sisters, Ruby, Rita, and Rose, who are former Las Vegas showgirls, Tom and Marion who cuddle like teenagers, and Ida, the grandmother of the teenage boys that hang outside the Senior Center, and Fartie Artie who has a irritable bowel. Frank has lung cancer and uses a respirator, and often the 'Seniors' compete with each other over who as the worst ailment. Frank and Joe host poker nights with three other seniors, Ernie, Whitey, and Rick. The Geezer Bandit strikes a bank nearby in Mission Diablo and the newsblast airs on the TV. The guys note that he looks alot like Joe who is late for the game. Joe finally shows up, and when the Geezer Bandit newscast airs again, Joe says he looks like Frank. The men get very drunk and are out of commission by 7 pm and all go home. Frank notices the stockpile of oxygen tanks in Frank's back room and sure enough, a few days later, Frank blows up his house. Frank is presumed dead and while he often mocked Joe who is stodgy and conservative; Joe bemoans his demise. Frank appears out of the rubble and shocks Joe nearly to death, and then moves in with Joe along with his dog. The Housing Authority wants to evict them both and fines Frank thousands of dollars. Joe King has money trouble as his wife's care and subsequent death also buried him in debt, and the bill collectors call daily. When Frank moves in, they cut off his cable, and Frank realizes his friend is in trouble. He suggests a trip to Las Vegas on his tab. Joe keeps asking Frank where he is getting the money, but Frank reassures him that his rich Uncle Sam has died and left him a boatload of money. Frank also reveals that his uncle left him a house in the Caribbean, and Joe asks him why doesn't he just go and live there? Frank is pretty ill and makes regular visits to the doctor - and the emergency room. They go to Las Vegas and eat Franks special brownies and muffins enroute. Frank pulls out a gun and starts shooting things on the country road before they get to the highway, and freaks out Joe. When they get to Las Vegas, they are both blasted out of their minds, start drinking, and get booted out of the casino. They go to the Strip and hire hookers, bringing them back to their room, and then Frank has an attack and can't breathe. The paramedics arrive. They go back home to Mission Diablo and encounter the usual suspects. Nobody's heard from Tom and Marion so Frank goes to spy on them and he and Joe find them dead in bed. "Finally!" Frank said, " somebody really died doing what they love." "Each other," said Joe. There are more explosions when one of the Evil Teenagers gets busted for the Geezer Bandit capers though he was just trying to scare his cousin who works in the bank. He gets interrogated by the FBI, and the special agent, Lucy Ferraro, who heads up the Geezer investigation. Dylan is only 16, and he said he bought the Old Man Mask at Disneyland. The authorities decide to let Dylan go - for now. Frank and Joe drive the Evil Teenagers home along with a bunch of girls that waited for them, and Joe is freaked out once again. Joe pays closer attention to the Geezer Bandit bankjobs, now over ten or eleven. He talks about it with Frank who lauds the Geezer Ba

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    of 101

    LE GEEZER BANDIT

    Written by Nora Boyle

    Based on The legend of the Geezer Bandit Copyright 2012 WGA registered

    ii.

    Address Phone Number

    Le Geezer Bandit
    By Nora Boyle
    WGA #1602237

    2.

    EXT. DAY: MIDWESTERN HOMETOWN SIDEWALK AND HOUSE, CIRCA 1950. Three little boys sit on a front porch when an old man shuffles by on the sidewalk. It is a summery late afternoon on the tree lined street, and only the chirps of a few birds can be heard. BOY #1 You're Old! The old man hardly hears them, then suddenly realizes what they said, and turns around. He sees them laughing at him. He grimaces, cautiously moving forward down the street, indignant. (Action) BOY #1 (CONTD) Lets go throw rocks They jump on their bikes and ride away, nearly mowing down the old man. (Action) OLD MAN Watch where you are going! INT. JOE KINGS BEDROOM CA, CIRCA 2011 DREAM SEQUENCE - DAY ORANGE COUNTY,

    Another old man Joe King, wakes up with a start. The sun streams in his window. He mutters aloud, just a dream and sighs, heavily. His throat parched, he coughs, shivers, gets up out of bed, slowly. He makes his way onto his feet, hobbling as it takes him awhile to go to the bathroom. He coughs, spits up, farts, flushes. He hears the chirping of birds and recalls his dream, the one with the kids sitting on the porch mocking the old man. He laughs to himself. INT. JOE KINGS SMALL HOME - DAY Joe shuffles into the kitchen to make coffee. His tattered bathrobe hangs off his bony frame, showing his oversized boxing shorts, his slippers reveal a toe poking out. He flips on the TV as he glances out the window onto Mission Diablo, the over 55 retirement community senior housing where he has lived for the past twenty years. He turns on the Today show and waits for his coffee to brew.

    3.

    (Joe sees the ghost of his dead wife, Mary, or sometimes, just hears her voice. ) MARY (V.O.) Coffees ready JOE I know, I know... He pours the coffee into a large mug and looks over at a bottle of brandy, shrugs, and puts in a shot. He shuffles back to his recliner to watch the Today Show. He cant hear it, so he turns it up really loud. He drinks his coffee. He coughs, gets up, and pours himself another cup of coffee. The regular Today Show goes off and the next show is Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda. Joe shuts off the TV. JOE (CONTD) I hate that Kathy Lee, (he says to no one in particular. In his mind, however, his dead wife answers him.)s MARY Heh! Joe! I was watching that Joe sees Marys ghost sitting next to him. Shes reading a book, looks up. He flips the TV back on, a little scared, a little nervous. MARY (CONTD) What, you dont like this show? JOE I cant stand that Kathy Lee Gifford she never shuts upOh, Mary, why did you leave me? (Joe starts crying.) MARY Leave you??? Im sitting right here! JOE I need you so much, Mary, I need you

    4.

    (SFX) Mary turns to Joe and smacks him on the side of his head. She disappears. LATER EXT: JOE DRIVES TO MISSION DIABLO SENIOR CENTER - DAY Joe drives his car to the Senior Center a couple of blocks away. He drives over curbs and through stop signs. The Senior Center is a clubhouse in the center of Mission Diablo, the retirement community where he lives. JOE (Joe talks to himself, a lifelong habit) Mission Diablo, just like I pictured it! Oh, no, the evil teenagers... EXT: OUTSIDE SENIOR CENTER, JOE PASSES EVIL TEENAGERS - DAY The teens, three boys and a few girls stare at him, and music plays from one of their phones, and they all start bopping their heads in unison. Two girls are in bikinis, one is soaking wet. Joe is embarrassed. (SFX: Jay Zee - No Church in the Wild intro) Joe hurries past them, saying hi and giving a slight wave, but they just look at him like hes weird. JOE (Talking loud) HIYA, HI, HI, HI One boy wears braces, one has a tattoo on his neck, and the other two are tall, gangly, and nondescript. Joe sniffs, smelling something odd. JOE (V.O. TALKING TO HIMSELF) (CONTD) Two of em are brothers I know, and belong to that woman who works in Senior Center, who lives off social security, and works because she cant afford to live here. I cannot remember the ladys name. Anyway... Tyler yells at Joe TYLER (THE TATTOOD BOY) Seeya Uncle Joe! Tyler flashes the devil sign. Joe is shocked.

    5.

    INT. SENIOR CENTER DINING HALL - DAY Joe eats in the dining room most days, and sits down next to his friend, Frank, who slowly spoons his oatmeal inbetween breaths. Frank carries a respirator around with him. JOE Still breathing, huh? FRANK Well, Joe, Im one of the Undead Frank breathes hard, starts coughing. FRANK, CONT And the Unfunny, JOE Take it easy there, Frank FRANK Cant die till I pay for my funeral just remember, closed casket, open bar JOE No crepe chasing for me NOSIREEBOB! not my thing FRANK Crepe chasing? JOE Thats what my wife Mary called it She was Irish like you...her dad would sit down, read the obituaries and say, Oh, Jeez, look who died! Then he would get up and run out the door FRANK Crepe chasing? You mean you wont come to my funeral and have a drink on me? JOE Well, as long as the tab is all paid up, I guess. FRANK Well I have a few more payments JOE Where are you gonna be buried?

    6.

    FRANK Buried? Oh, NoIm gonna finally set the world on fire and get cremated. Dont want to be no worm food. JOE Really? I got a plot next to Marys in the memorial park, there, the one by the freeway FRANK Yeah? Well, lets hope they dont have to widen the lanes Ida, the fat lady waddles by with her tray and sits down. JOE (YELLS) Ida! I suddenly remember her damn name - shes the grandmother of the Evil Teenagers. IDA Hi Frank! Hi Jack! FRANK His name is Joe, Ida IDA What? FRANK (yelling) His name is Joe!

    Cant you hear?

    IDA Here? Whos here? Joe? JOE (whispers to Frank) Shut Up! Youre mean FRANK But, funny. Ida cant hear a thing Frank slurps his oatmeal, breathing hard. IDA How you guys doing? FRANK (cupping his ear, yelling) What? Hah?

    7.

    JOE Good, Ida, how bout yourself? IDA Well, my grandsons are coming JOE Yeah, I saw them outside. IDA You saw them? JOE Yeah, they are outside IDA Oh, No Frank and Joe exchange looks. FRANK The Evil Teenagers? Joe elbows him, shushing him. IDA They are NOT evil, they are wonderful boys. FRANK Suddenly, she can hear? Didnt you tell me they got arrested for JOE (whispers) One got arrested for being drunk and disorderly Joe, whispering into Franks ear, so Ida cant hear him. She wolfs down her food, looking around nervously. IDA I gotta go, nice you seeing you Fred, John.. FRANK You, too, Skinny! A couple more men and women sit at the same table talking amongst themselves, but nod to Joe. Ida waves at them. Tom and Marion sit down at the same table, an inseparable and lovey dovey couple who always hold hands.

    8.

    FRANK (CONTD) You eating? JOE Yeah, Ill go get something, what do they have? FRANK Same old shit, different day Tom and Marion chirp at the same time. TOM Now, now, no swearing at the lunch table, kids-How are you guys, you next door to us, Frank, and we never see you! Marion and I are home all day and if you feel alone, come on over, and we can have a beer even... MARION You should pop over for coffee some time-Joe told us you like to bake? Yes, come over anytime and we will make you an expresso with our new expresso machine, Or a smoothie, do you like smoothies? They give Tom diarrhea but I love them Marion kisses her husband and he kisses her back. FRANK Yeah, yeah, I will bring over some muffins - maybe tomorrow - Oh, no here come the Flory Dory girls JOE Hush! Three elderly women stroll over to their table. They are The Sisters, or three former Las Vegas show girls who still dress garishly, wear heavy makeup, and bleach their hair and, worse, they dress alike today in short shorts. FRANK Hi Rosie FRANK Hi Ruby FRANK Hi Rita Hi Frank Hi Frank RITA Hi Frank RUBY ROSIE

    9.

    FRANK What are you girls up to today? RITA Oh, nothing much, but theres entertainment a disk jockey is here to serenade us with some lunch music FRANK Oh no RITA And! Tomorrow its Las Vegas Night, so we are doing our act! (sings) if I get up and dance, dont blame me, blame it on the music (sings) I love the nightlife, I love to boogie. Sure, enough, a young teenage guy wheels in two huge speakers and equipment and starts setting up a table, and within minutes, is doing a very loud sound check. The sisters, Rose, Rita, and Ruby are chattering noisily, and FRANK For the tenth time, were they show girls? Or did they have an act? JOE (shushing frank) I dont know, their story changes every day FRANK Did they go topless? Nude? What? Guess we will find out tomorrow. What time does Las Vegas night start? Quarter to 12 At night? No lunchtime. Las Vegas Night is at Lunch time? Do you have to repeat everything I say? Are you senile, Granpa? No, just incredulous and astonished as usual.

    10.

    Ruby goes up to the DJ and whispers a request. The teenager removes his earphones and squints at the woman with her beehive hair, short-shorts, and platform shoes. RUBY Do you know that song? DJ What song? RUBY Ummmm, The Heat Goes On DJ What? RUBY You, know? The Heat Goes On? DJ Whose it by? RUBY Oh, that girl, uh, you know? DJ What girl? RUBY Ill think of itIll come back Rose and Rita sit down with Frank and Joe after greeting several other Mission Diablo people. Joe gets up to fetch some food. Ruby comes over and does a shimmy for Frank who struggles to breathe and puts on his nose hose. JOE Hi Ruby FRANK Hi Darling.whats cooking? RUBY Only you INT. Cafeteria - Day

    Joe pulls food from the counter, asking the guy how much everything is, and then, putting it back. Ruby sneaks up on Joe at the counter, scaring him. JOE Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Ruby!

    11.

    RUBY Started your heart up, eh, Joe? So, whats for lunch? JOE Roast beef or meat loaf, Rubyheres some ham RUBY Your friend isnt breathing too well. JOE He has lung cancer, Ruby RUBY Didnt they get that all out? JOE Well, they got the lung out RUBY I dont know about this cancer, what is it? Like termites? Joe rolls his eyes and looks for food on the shelves of the cafeteria style dining room, picking up dishes, putting them back, picking up small items, pats of butter, salt, pepper, crackers, and pocketing them. RUBY (CONTD) What should I get Joe? JOE Whatever you want, Ruby RUBY I dont knowdo you think I should lose weight? JOE No. RUBY Cause the doctor said I gained a few poundsand - how bout that Tom and Marion - so happily married, I wish I had a happy marriage (sighs) JOE (looks heavenward) I did. My dear Mary, God Rest her soul...

    12.

    Joe walks away, heading back to the table, ignoring Ruby. Ruby picks up some food and hurries behind him. The girls are laughing while Joe and Frank sit across from each other solemnly eating their food. RITA You know when we were living in Vegas, Joe.. FRANK Oh, here we go. RITA We were in the shows every night except Monday, and that was the night, we went out and partied till dawn! FRANK With the Rat Pack? RITA Yeah, yeah howd ya know? FRANK You told me a hundred times Rita doesnt hear him as she launches into her anecdote ROSE Frank and Dean and Sammy and Peter and Joey and Norman Fell, whom I datedbut you know Peter was out of the Pack because of the whole President Kennedy thing when and, and, I even met Sam that mobster, Franks friend.and then FRANK You got pictures? ROSE Pictures? FRANK Of you and the Rat Pack? ROSE Um, no, I dont remember never had a camera -did we have a camera?

    13.

    RITA (interrupting) You have to try the new swim aerobics class, its good for arthritis and whatever ails you Tom and Marion are making goo goo eyes at each other and holding hands. Another fat lady, Sue, waddles by their table knocking over a glass with a swish of her hips. Rose perks up, watching her. ROSE She had that lap dance surgery FRANK Really? ROSE Yeah, So, Frank, whats cooking? FRANK Im almost ready for a nap, wanna join me? The girls start laughing. Frank winks at them FRANK (CONTD) Why dont you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma? JOE Sssshhhh. Is that Artie? FRANK Fartie Artie, where? Joe elbows Frank. He finishes eating the one thing he did buy and gets up to leave. RITA Leaving so soon, Joe? You just got here JOE Im just here to find out how Frank is doing Frank shrugs and slurps his cereal. JOE (CONTD) I gotta go Frank, I will talk to you later

    14.

    FRANK Sure, sure - we will go surfing pick up some chicks Joe laughs a little until Frank starts coughing and stops to take a few breaths. He pulls his oxygen tank closer and puts the tube on and starts breathing. Everybody exchanges worried glances. The music starts up again, only this time theres distortion and what sounds like rap music. FRANK (CONTD) What the hell? Ruby jumps out of her seat and scurries over to the DJ. RUBY Did you think of that song yet? The DJ unplugs his earphones. DJ What song? RUBY By that girl? DJ What girl? RUBY You know, The Heat Goes On? You never heard of it? DJ No, Maam, sorry. RUBY By that girl DJ What girl? RUBY Ill think of it - Play something else - Do you have any Frank Sinatra? DJ Sure RUBY I went out with him.

    15.

    Pretty soon Fly Me to Moon is in the air, and Ruby is swaying to the music. Rose and Rita try to talk to Frank, but hes ignoring them. RUBY (CONTD) Oh, Oh, I remembered her name! Back at the table, Rose, Rita, and Frank eat their meals as Ruby dances her way back to the DJ table. SENIOR 1 Im alive Its my arthritis. Doctor says I need a knee replacement SENIOR 2 I had one of those RITA I had a bypass ROSE I'm getting cadillac surgery Frank rolls his eyes. SENIOR 1 My cousin had knee replacement surgery and DIED! SENIOR 3 I got diabetes AND I had a bypass SENIOR 4 I have high blood pressure FRANK (shouting) I have cancer And! Im one of the living dead! What is this? A contest??? The table grows quiet, but then people shrug and go back to talking amongst themselves. The old folks are chirping in sound bytes, not always audible, a cacophony.

    16.

    ALL SENIORS ( talking over each other) My first husband... My step son... My medication.. My doctor... My cardiologist When I was in the Navy When I was in the Marines SENIOR 1 Whos dead? SENIOR 4 My brother in law -

    SENIOR 4 He was in the Army and now hes dead (everybody stops talking, profound silence at the last remark)

    All seniors issue a collective sigh, and go back to the chirping cacophony. ROSE Im a sexagenarian! RITA Oh no youre not! Im the sexy one! People always told me I looked just like Marilyn Monroe (and she does) Ruby makes a beeline for the DJ table RUBY I remembered the girl who sang that song DJ What song? RUBY The Heat Goes On! DJ Oh? Who? RUBY Cher! DJ Cher? RUBY You know? Cher??? DJ Cher? Oh, you mean The Beat Goes On?

    17.

    RUBY Yeah, The Heat Goes On, do you have that song.? DJ I will look for it, Lady Ruby has already walked away. Frank finished slurping his soup, but before he got up to leave, he was greeted by Artie, a dapper man who always shows up dressed in a suit and tie. FRANK Hi FFF Artie, how you doing? ARTIE Good, how about you, Frank? FRANK You know, I have good days and bad. ARTIE So is today a good or bad day? FRANK So, far, so good Just then, one of the seniors whizzed by on his sneaker skates. FRANK (CONTD) What the Fuck? ARTIE Hell break a hip! Myron whizzes by on his sneaker skates, coasting effortlessly and smiling broadly. He gooses one old lady as he passes her by. She screams. FRANK Thats Myron, I think he already had one hip replacement. ARTIE So, where is Joe these days? FRANK Hes drunk as a skunk watching a soap opera ARTIE Wow! He watches the stories? Which one?

    18.

    FRANK Days of Our Lives... ARTIE Oh, I love that one FRANK Oh, no I meant Night of the Living Dead! ARTIE Thats not a soap opera, ha, are you pulling my leg? FRANK No, but I will pull your fingerARTIE What? Oh, Frank, youre such a joker - The Good Lord loves you and forgives youFRANK You mean the Dark Lord? ARTIE I gotta go FRANK Oh, no! Artie got up and turned, leaving behind an audio blast of farts, propelling him along like a motorboat. Frank started laughing uncontrollably until he started coughing up his one lung. INT. JOE KINGS HOUSE - DAY The phone rings, but Joe doesnt answer, allowing the machine to pick up. V.O. This message is for Joe King. This is an attempt to collect a debt from you credit card company... Joe deletes the message (BEEEP) V.O This is CROX Cable calling you, your cable service bill is past due and you will be disconnected unless you make a payment -

    19.

    Joe deletes (Beeeeep) the message EXT. SHOPPING MALL WITH BANK - DAY Nondescript old man in baseball cap parks near the bank, puts on his baseball cap and goes in. INT. GRAINY SURVEILLANCE VIDEO FOOTAGE OF GEEZER BANDIT HOLDING UP BANK - DAY INT. BEDROOM - DAY (POV FROM THE NECK DOWN, HANDS AND CASH) Somebody dumps a boat load of cash onto a bed, cant see the face. INT. FRANKS HOUSE Frank sits in front of the TV, breathing heavily, watching Real Zombies of Orange County, when the phone rings. Its Joe. JOE (V.O.) I thought I saw you going into the bank today. Was that you? FRANK Nah. Where? JOE (V.O.) The Wells Fargo down by the mall. FRANK Nah. I didnt leave the house all day. Whatya talking about? I saw you at the Senior Center an hour ago. Are you okay? JOE (V.O.) Well, if you need something, let me know FRANK I need to get laid. JOE (V.O.) Well, I cant help you with that.

    20.

    FRANK Okay, I need a million dollars JOE (V.O.) Well, Ill do my best - How bout I buy you a lottery ticket? FRANK Theyre not worth the money theyre printed on. JOE (V.O.) I thought you liked to gamble? FRANK Only in casinos the hard stuff, blackjack, poker, maybe you and I can play a game of poker. JOE (V.O.) Sure, Sure, Im not very good.. FRANK how about tonight? Yeah? All righty then - Call Ernie, and Whitey, and that guy ? the chinamen? JOE (V.O.) I think hes Japanese FRANK Yeah, him, Wo Hop JOE (V.O.) His name is Rick FRANK Call him, and I will call, uh, the black guy? JOE (V.O.) Whitey? FRANK No, thats not his name - the other one - Oh, um whats his name? Ill think of it. JOE (V.O.) Its Whitey! FRANK Really?

    21.

    JOE (V.O.) Sure, Ill get beer - You tidy up, get your underwear off the bathroom floor FRANK Howd you know? JOE (V.O.) Because I do it.

    22.

    MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL INT. FRANKS HOUSE - NIGHT Whitey, a black man, Ernie, a Jew, and Rick, the Japanese guy, sit around Frank Mahoney's poker table in his Mission Diablo house, waiting for Joe King. ERNIE -Where is the hell is Joe King? FRANK -He'll be here -he said he would stop and get some beer WHITEY -What kind of beer? RICK Budweiser? -I like that Mexican beer - Corona - with a lime ERNIE -I don't like beer, I have gout FRANK -What do you drink? ERNIE -Whiskey, vodka, gin -firewater Got any? Frank gets up and goes to his liquor cabinet and pulls out some Jameson's Irish whiskey and a couple of shot glasses. FRANK -Sure, while we are waiting for our beer chasers... EXT. FRANKS HOUSE - NIGHT Joe pulls up in his big old Buick and lugs a case of beer to the front door. He rings a couple of times, but nobody hears him. The TV is really loud and they are shouting over the TV. Finally, Frank opens the door after his dog barks.

    23.

    INT. FRANKS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A TV newscast blares; V.O. -The Geezer Bandit has struck again! Police report that a man apparently in his 60s or 70s has struck the Wells Fargo Bank andFRANK -Here's your shots - Turn that down! Joe is enthralled with the TV FRANK (CONTD) -Are you guys' deaf or what? JOE Oh my god! I was just there today! -What? You started without me? ERNIE -Just a little firewater waiting for the beer WHITEY -C'mon let's play! NEWSCASTER (V.O.) Authorities say the Geezer Bandit The men sit down at the poker table but Joe is still watching the TV JOE I was just there! I cant believe it! FRANK Did you do it ? JOE Do what? FRANK Rob the bank? Joe glares at Frank Rick and Whitey and Joe and Frank play poker for about an hour, but they are playing for nickels, and Frank cleans up.

    24.

    They all had too much whiskey and beer and are nodding off, so Rick calls it a night. FRANK (CONTD) -You guys are wimps! It's 7 o'clock! Whitey, Rick, and Ernie shuffle off into the night, but Joe stays behind, nursing his beer. FRANK (CONTD) -Watch TV? JOE -Sure, what's on? FRANK -The news The two men sit silently watching the evening news. The sound is muted as Frank gets a phone call. Joe watches the news about the Geezer Bandit as they replay the footage of the old man holding up a bank. The call was from Whitey who can't find his glasses and Frank gets up to look for them. Joe watches the TV intensely. FRANK (ON PHONE) (CONTD) -Yeah, they're here -I'll bring them the Center tomorrow -what time you gonna be there? Okay, Lunch see you, Whitey. As soon as he hangs up, Joe pops out of his chair. JOE -I gotta go -I will see you tomorrow Frank - Thanks for the whiskey and stealing all my money FRANK -You goin' so soon? Law and Order is coming on after this... JOE -Yeah, I'm tired, long day FRANK -It's seven o'clock! You pussy! Wait! Lets go spy on Tom and Marion JOE What? Why

    25.

    FRANK They are always humping JOE What are you? - ten? FRANK Cmon! Follow me EXT. FRANKS PORCH - NIGHT Frank crouches as he assumes a stealth combat position and runs from point to point until he comes to a rear window. EXT. TOM AND MARIONS HOUSE BEDROOM WINDOW - NIGHT Joe reluctantly follows, and then when they peer into the window, they do indeed see Tom and Marion humping under the sheets in a dimly lit bedroom. Joe rolls his eyes and motions to Frank to go back. EXT. FRANKS PORCH - NIGHT Frank shrugs and leaves Joe at the front door, going inside, shutting off the porch light before Joe has a chance to get to his car. He stumbles in the dark. INT. FRANKS HOUSE - NIGHT Frank cleans up and sings FRANK I can feel it in my fingers I can feel it in my toes Frank stops to pet his dog FRANK (CONTD) whatyasay Curly? Its been a very good day!

    VIVA LAS VEGAS

    26.

    INT. SENIOR CENTER - DAY Joe goes the Senior Center like he does every day, and sees a gargoyle, one of the sisters, Rose or Ruby. Tom and Marion are at his usual table, exchanging smooches. JOE -Hi Rose! RUBY -Hi Joe Im Ruby! Joe shuffles through the dining room looking for Frank, but doesnt see him. JOE -Have you seen Frank? Ruby nods her head emphatically NO JOE (CONTD) -Wheres your sister, Rose? RUBY -Im Ruby and Rose is in her water aerobics class, and here comes Rita. Rita pulls up in her hoveround scooter JOE Nice ride, Rita, is that new? RUBY -No, I borrowed it JOE -I hope you didnt borrow it from someone who cant walk RUBY -Hahaha JOE -Have you seen Frank? RUBY -No, Why? JOE -Uh, maybe I will go drop in on him see if hes okay RUBY -Get some Pizza mind

    27.

    JOE -What ? RUBY Inner Pizza Joe is anxious and leaves in a rush

    EXT. MISSION DIABLO - FRANKS HOUSE - DAY Joe drives his car up the hill in Mission Diablo until he comes to Franks house and pulls over. Franks dog, Curly, is barking. Joe stops for a moment and takes a breath. JOE Oh God I hope hes not dead. He knocks on the door and rings the doorbell. Theres no answer. He peers into the window but sees nothing. He bangs on the door louder this time, leans on the doorbell until the dog starts barking. The door opens. Joe breathes a sigh of relief. FRANK -Jesus Christ, what the hell? Oh, Hi Joe, I was on the crapperJOE -Can I come in? FRANK Sure, Sure, whatyawant? JOE -Did you eat? INT. FRANKS HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY FRANK Well, no I was cooking. Come on into my kitchen (singing) The TV is on and Joe sits down and starts watching it. I made out of coffee muffin FRANK (CONTD) some muffins. Just took em the oven and I made some - Im the Muffin Man, the man (singing)

    28.

    Joe sits down in the tiny kitchen while Frank pours the coffee and helps himself to a little muffin. There is a small TV blaring. FRANK (CONTD) -You like it? JOE -Yeah, its good FRANK -Its made with Marijuana JOE -What??? (choking). FRANK -I got one of them medical marijuana cards - cause I have cancer Joe is not sure what to make of that, but keeps eating the muffin. He shrugs and drinks some coffee. JOE -Whatya hippie now? FRANK -Nah, I have cancer - it takes the edge off JOE -Im not gonna hallucinate am I? FRANK -What? You never smoked pot before? JOE -Ummmm, noooo...... The two men drink their coffee and eat all the muffins. They watch TV, and talk at the TV. FRANK What is the crime rate on these soap operas? JOE I dunnoFrank gets up and pretends hes on the TV

    29.

    FRANK Excuse me while I shoot my lover who is my brother and then Im getting my nails done. Joe laughs uncontrollably. FRANK (CONTD) And, they are always dressed to the nines, and they never have to take the kids to school, take out the garbage, never go grocery shopping, or even go to work - they are the real zombies of Orange County Joe points to the TV JOE Oh my god, what are they doing? FRANK I think they are injecting her with Zombie Juice JOE EEEWWWWWWW What? FRANK Zombie Juice! She looks familiar JOE Shes Fartie Arties daughter. FRANK Really? For real? Why DOES he fart like that??? JOE I dont know...some sort of irritable bowel syndrome FRANK I didnt know you watched the stories JOE I dont! I cant stand this one my wife watched them - sometimes its better than Oprah or all those stupid talk shows -so, Frank, you never said, what happened to your wife -when did she die?

    30.

    FRANK She didnt die, she left me JOE Oh, Im sorry. FRANK Im not.. I hate daytime TV Lets go somewhere JOE Like where? FRANK I dont know Drive around? JOE Gas is like $5 bucks a gallon FRANK I got moneyJOE Where did you get money? FRANK Well, I had this Uncle - Uncle Sam who died and left me a little money JOE How much? FRANK Well, lets just say Im comfortable and you shall benefit from my association JOE Well, I dont know you that well, why me? FRANK If I want to spend all my money like a drunken sailor then I will So, lets go to Vegas baby! (Sings) I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. JOE Dont sing.

    31.

    FRANK Lets leave first thing in the morning - I dont like driving at night. I love Las Vegas and I havent been there since I dont know when - see a coupla shows see Cher or Elvis JOE Elvis is dead FRANK Not in Las Vegas - Hes not! I guess it wouldnt hurt to - you know live it up - a little? this much (shows thumb and index finger to indicate) JOE (Heaves a long sigh) Are you sure youre up to this? FRANK What? You think Im gonna drop dead? JOE Well, you are on oxygen! FRANK I m good and I got weed JOE Yeah, about that? I feel um FRANK What? JOE I dont know - I feel really weird Or woo - hoo FRANK Like maybe - (sings) you feel it in your fingers, you feel it in your toes... JOE Shut up! Just shut up Lets go to Vegas and not watch these damn soap operas! So whos this rich uncle that died and left you all his loot?

    32.

    FRANK Hes dead nowEXT. MISSION DIABLO - FRANKS HOUSE - DAY The two men leave the following morning for Vegas in Joes car and Frank loads his oxygen tank in the trunk. He also made a new batch of brownies and muffins for the ride. They drive out to the freeway and Frank feeds Joe his pot brownies. EXT. CALIFORNIA DESERT FREEWAY - FARMLAND - DAY

    Joe gets sleepy and Frank agrees to drive, only he takes a side trip off the freeway to a cow pasture and pulls out a 57 magnum gun and shoots at the cows. Joe wakes up. JOE Where the hell are we? Where did you get that gun? What the fuck are you shooting a cow for???? What did he do. FRANK (in a cowboy accent) Oh, that there is a woman cow. Frank takes careful aim and fires. The cow howls and falls over. Frank shot the cow dead. FRANK (CONTD) Okay, funs over. JOE You killed a cow! FRANK I know! Theyre good for target practice! JOE You couldnt just tip him over? FRANK Thats for kids. EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP, OUTSIDE PALMS, NIGHT Joe and Frank drive down the strip

    33.

    INT. LAS VEGAS CASINO AND HOTEL - NIGHT Once in Vegas, the two men check into the hotel and go straight to the casino floor where Frank lays down a thousand dollar chip. He gives another thousand dollar chip to Joe. Joe is stunned. FRANK Go ahead, make my day INT. BLACKJACK TABLE - CASINO - NIGHT They both lose all their money immediately and go check out the club and pool filled with young scantily clad people, drinking heavily. FRANK Oh, jeez, I feel like Im in a Kardashian show JOE Whats that? Jesus, Mary and(points toward an Amazon woman posing for pictures) FRANK You know, those reality shows the young people watch? JOE I know, I know, I mean WHO is that? FRANK Like M TV? JOE Yeah, Frank, like M TV. FRANK Whoa is that a Kardashian? No, it is not, is it? JOE I dont know! Heh, what time is it? Law and Order is on? FRANK Not until four thirty JOE Lets have a drink, get something to eat.

    34.

    FRANK Maybe we can get hookers. JOE Really, Frank? Now, you want a hooker? FRANK Im old, not dead! INT. - POV - JOE - ALL THE COLORS IN THE CASINO START TO BLEED TOGETHER Joe rolls his eyes, hallucinating from all the pot brownies. JOE I can see lightwaves! Look there goes a green one - whoa! Frank is pretty lit, but rolls his eyes. When a scantily clad waitress comes up to him with another beer, he grabs her boobs and motorboats them. She gives them their shots and beers, takes their money, then whistles for the security guards to bounce these two. Two burly security guards come over to their table to escort them out. Frank has trouble getting out of his chair so the security guard helps him. FRANK See, lets go get some hookers. EXT. LAS VEGAS CASINO - DAY Frank waves down a cab and the two get in. JOE I want to watch Law and Order -and will we get back in time? FRANK Dont worry. JOE So, where are we going? FRANK What about Law and Order? JOE We will

    35.

    FRANK Well, theres place at the edge of the strip where you pick up hookers JOE And what, we bring them back to our hotel? FRANK You dont want to miss Law and Order, do ya? EXT: SEEDY VEGAS CORNER WHERE HOOKERS HANG OUT - DAY They cruise by a few hookers and look for two. There are a few queens and trannies in the mix who heckle them. JOE How about that one? FRANK Nah, she reminds me of my sister. JOE What about that one? FRANK Nah, she looks diseased JOE What about her FRANK Yeah, she looks nice. They call her over and ask her if she can recommend a friend. She calls over to an older lady with tremendous boobs. She sticks her boobs in the car window. Frank ogles her and nods in agreement. The two women jump in the back with the boys. INT. HOTEL ROOM ADJOINING SUITES - DAY Later, the two men lie in their adjoining rooms in bed with their hookers eating and watching TV. HOOKER Cmon daddy o dont you want to do itdont you want my love? JOE Wait, wait until Law and Order is over

    36.

    Joe lays in bed with his hooker who files her nails waiting for him. he plays with the remote until he finds law and order Franks hooker runs over to them, screaming for help. Frank is bloated and blue, unable to breathe. Joe calmly circles the bed dressed in his boxers and slaps frank on the back, and he starts breathing again. Meanwhile the hooker called 911, and within minutes, paramedics arrive, and the hookers leave. EXT. MISSION DIABLO FRONT GATE ENTRANCE - DAY Joe and Frank drive into the Mission Diablo complex. INT. SENIOR CENTER - DAY The next day,Frank and Joe show up for lunch at the Senior Center ROSE Well, well, well, if it isnt Frick and Frack? Where have you two been hiding out? Both men stare at the floor. JOE I went to visit my kids - Dont question me FRANK And I had to go to the hospital RITA Oh my god, are you alright! FRANK Yes, Yes, it was just a little excitement They sit down with their trays of food and the girls, the sisters, Ruby, Rose, and Rita, still on her Hoveround, chatter away. Tom and Marion are holding hands across the table, whispering to each other. RITA You missed the big doings here yesterday, you two, you would not believe

    37.

    FRANK What? ROSE Well, you know Mr. Gilman? JOE Um, no RITA Well, he dropped dead, right here in the cafeteria. JOE Sorry, I missed it. FRANK Yeah, me, too ROSE Oh, but you should have seen that old bird over there screaming her lungs out - it was so ridiculous, and then the parameters came, and there was nothing they could do JOE Parameters? RITA Paramedics, ssshhhh RUBY He had a good life FRANK How do you know..? She shrugs. RUBY Life is not made up of milestones... But of moments ROSE Life is not made up of gallstones but of bowel movements

    Rose and Ruby do a simultaneous shimmy dance, twisting and twittering RUBY And, the best news is we are doing a little show on Friday, right here in the Senior Center.

    38.

    ROSE We three sisters were a Las Vegas Act We were show girls... FRANK When? ROSE In the fifties FRANK Nude ROSE Nah, not nude FRANK Topless! ROSE Nah FRANK Doing what? RITA We sing and dance FRANK But, you cant even walk! RITA I can get up for short spurts FRANK Ill be sure to miss it RITA Life is not made up of milestones, But of moments ROSE Life is not made up of gallstones But of bowel movements...

    Frank looks at both women in confusion and they seem flustered. He shakes his head and turns away doing a shimmy for Joe who grimaces at him for mocking the ladies FRANK (CONTD) Heh! Joe! How about poker tonight? JOE Nah, I'm going home..see ya later FRANK WHERE YOU GOIN?

    39.

    JOE The Bank FRANK Take me along JOE No! FRANK Why not? JOE I have to talk to the bank manager FRANK So? JOE Well, if you wait in the car Frank sings softly FRANK I can feel it in my fingers, feel it in my toes... JOE Dont sing. EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT AND BANK. JOE Wait here FRANK Sure, sure Frank jumps out of the car as soon as joe goes into the bank and walks toward a neighboring bank. SPLIT SCREEN Both men approach different bank tellers TELLER(S) May I help you sir? CUT

    40.

    KABOOM

    EXT. FRANKS HOUSE - NIGHT Car doors slam and Rick, Whitey, and Ernie walk up to the front door. INT. FRANKS HOUSE - NIGHT Frank hosts another round of poker in his house and when Joe takes out the garbage for him, he sees about twenty oxygen tanks stored in the back room. The dog follows him. JOE Hope he doesnt blow you up.. The dog cries but follows Joe out to the poker game in the living room. They sit down to play with hardy rounds of Jamesons Irish Whiskey, Coronas, chips and salsa with Ernie, Whitey, and Rick. TV blares in the background and a news blast comes on announcing that the Geezer Bandit strikes again at the very bank where both Joe and Frank went this morning. They both look at each other, jaws dropped. JOE AND FRANK (simultaneously, mirroring each other) I was just there! - We were just there! WHITEY So which one of you robbed the bank? They both point to each other suspiciously. Everybody laughs and drinks to that. RICK So wheres the money? FRANK Yeah, Joe, wheres the money? JOE Me? Youre the one throwing around the nickels and quarters.

    41.

    INT. DRAB FBI OFFICE WITH FLUORESCENT LIGHTS AND NO WINDOWS Two men and a burly woman sit around a table watching grainy security footage of the Geezer Bandit. Federal Agents, Lucy Ferraro, Kip Dykstra, Doug Dooley watch the footage blankly. LUCY Where did he get the geezer bandit name from? KIP Some local cop - I dunno, but we dont want this guy getting famous. DOUG DOOLEY This is his second bank job! LUCY And, it will be his last! KIP Okay, lets look at the footage again and see what we can figure outDOUG DOOLEY Heh, look at this! KIP Is he wearing a mask? DOUG DOOLEY He could be a young man, a kid even -Or a woman! LUCY What are you? A misogynist? KIP A misogynist? No! Aside to Doug, whispering KIP (CONTD) Whats a misogynist? INT. JOES BEDROOM - NIGHT Joe, sound asleep with dog in bed, is awakened by a loud explosive boom, bolts upright in bed.

    42.

    EXT: FRONT OF JOES HOUSE IN MISSION DIABLO - NIGHT - SMOKE SPIRALS A FEW STREETS OVER Frank in his bathrobe with dog runs outside as do many of his neighbors in various states of undress. Joe sees a huge rooftop fire with smoke billowing a couple blocks away coming from the direction of Franks house. JOE Oh no. EXT: FRONT OF FRANKS HOUSE, NOW LEVELED, - DAYBREAK - SMOKE They sift through the rubble, but cant find Frank, and the firemen hoses down some burning embers. Joe is pacing up and down JOE Did you find him? FIREMAN No sir JOE Do yo think he FIREMAN Blew up? I mean there were all these oxygen tanks back there and you know - kaboom! The Fire captain comes along and guides Joe away from the rookie, wincing at the rookie. FIRE CAPTAIN No, sir, no remains - you go home, now sir JOE Well, where is he then??? Joe doesnt believe the fireman and the fire captain walks him to the curb behind the crime tape. There is a strange hissing noise like Darth Vader breathing. The fireman to cry. The on the curb Franks dog The Firemen kicks a few things out of way while Frank starts fireman walks away. Joe is overcome. He sits down in front of what remains of Franks house while sniffs around in the rubble. Joe starts bawling. leave.

    43.

    JOE (CONTD) Frank why did you leave me? You are my best friend, my only friend. I couldnt got thru what I did without you. Now youre gone. Im sorry I yelled at you last night....(Sobs) Im Sorry I called you an assaholic Im sorry I called you and old teenager and Im sorry IThen from another yard, Franks Dog comes running and barking. JOE (CONTD) Curly, Curly! You escaped, you escaped! Behind Joe and unaware, Frank bolts upright from his sootcovered grave oblivious to all that transpired. He is alright. Pulls on his respirator and breathes into it a few times. Still, Joe is caterwauling on the curb. SFX: Franks respirator sounds like Darth Vader breathing Evil Teenagers show up on their skateboards, start rummaging through the debris. Joe stops bawling for a minute and gets up to yell at them. Joe sees Frank rising from the dead, and faints dead away. JOSH Somebody call 911. LATER INT. JOES HOUSE - EARLY EVENING Frank follows Joe into his house JOE -Well. you can stay with me-as long as you want - until you figure out what you are gonna do FRANK -Do you have any clothes for me to wear? JOE -Sure, Frank, well get you something to wear

    44.

    FRANK -Do you happen to have a tank of oxygen? Their dogs start growling and fighting with each other Joe yells at them, but then Frank gets up and separates them, and they stop, start licking their balls. Then Frank gets on his cell phone and orders more oxygen tanks JOE Oh no INT. SENIOR CENTER DINING ROOM - DAY When Frank and Joe enter the Dining Room, everything is dimly sit and they struggle to find their way to a table. Suddenly, huge spotlights fill the room and a neon sign reads: Las Vegas Night! FRANK Las Vegas Night? Its eleven oclock in the morning The three sisters strut out in their feathers and their show girl outfits, except for Rita who is on her hoveround. RITA, ROSE, RUBY Sisters, Sisters! There were never such devoted Sisters And behind them is an orchestra of musicians. They break for a minute and then jump into their next song: Heart and Soul THE GIRLS Heart and Stroke - I gave my blood to you Heart and Stroke Gladly, I knew my time was up! Joe and Frank sit at a table when a hugely obese woman approaches. JOE Heh, Joan... JOAN Heh Joe - Whats cooking? Joan breathes heavily and sits down at the table JOAN (CONTD) How are you guys?

    45.

    FRANK We are taking the swim aerobics class this afternoon, Joan, why dont you come? JOAN MaybeDid you eat? FRANK Just coffee for meI gotta watch my figure.. JOE What for? JOAN We heard you two died in a fire JOE There was bad fire at Franks house FRANK And they both died. Sorry to disappoint- Just me... JOAN Can you believe these birds? (pointing to the Sister Act) Who died? Come to think of it, I havent seen Tom and Marion today they live next door to you - Frank? People hush them to hear the sister act JOE (NOT PAYING ATTENTION) Thats a shame JOAN Whats a shame? FRANK They are dead nowJOAN Whose dead? FRANK Frank and Dean JOE Just shut up, both of you! Just shut it! JOAN Whose dead?

    46.

    The sisters finish their act with tap dancing, more songs and then take their bows. (Applause) JOE Oh Christ Almighty! TRANSITION EXT: JOE AND FRANK CRUISE THROUGH MISSION DIABLO IN JOES BIG OLD BUICK ARRIVING AT THE OFFICE OF THE HOMEOWNERS ASSOCIATION - DAY (GFX) Sign reads Mission Diablo Headquarters Homeowners Association, CEO Nancy Bush JOE Oh my god, look theres hookers! FRANK They are not hookers! They are teenagers! JOE Are you sure? FRANK Yes, thats another one of Idas I think or her friends, Tina and Tiffany and Amber... JOE How do you know their names? FRANK I gave them a ride to the beach Tiffany, Tina, and Amber wave to Frank when they see him. AMBER Yo Daddio, whats cookin? FRANK You better get out of here before the Chief sees ya? AMBER Oh Nancy Nazipants? She already yelled at us already - wanna see my new tattoo?

    47.

    EXT: LARGE COMMUNITY POOL IN MISSION DIABLO. - DAY A sexy teacher helps Rita off her scooter into the pool for Swim Aerobics as Ruby, Rose, and the gargantuan ladies Ida and Joan follow. TEACHER Cmon ladies jumping jacks one, two, three - Again, one, two, three After an arduous process, the women finally get the exercise down. The teacher is very discouraged. RUBY Life is not made up of milestones, but moments ROSE Life is not made up of gallstones, but of bowel movements

    Ida farts and a huge bubble explodes out of the pool. The teacher smirks. Then Rita slips underwater and the teacher dives to retrieve her. TEACHER (CONTD) Lets go to the side of the pool and um, hold on INT. HOA HEADQUARTERS WITH VIEW OF THE POOL -DAY Frank and Joe spy the hot new teacher out the window from Nancy Nazipantzs office. They wait for Nancy. FRANK Think Ill sign up for swim aerobics JOE Me, too NANCY Get away from that window! She scares Frank and Joe half to death as she storms into the room and shoos them away from behind her desk. She has a huge desk and a throne for a chair. They sit down on low, little benches in front of the enormous desk, trying to see over the desk.

    48.

    NANCY (CONTD) Now gentlemen! I understand you two are living together in Joe Kings residence, sign this, Joe, as you cannot alter the lease and roommates must be approved by the board and you will be charged an extra $300 fee a month for the water and sewer, and Frank Mahoney, (pause) yes, Mr. Mahoney, the Board has decided to evict you, and you have thirty days to find a new residence, and you will have to pay a fine of $10k for the explosion at your home, and the illegal hoarding of respiratory equipment, oxygen tanks, etcetera, etcetera.. Hands them a large stack of papers, dumping them in their laps. NANCY (CONTD) Now thank you gentlemen, I have another appointment, read and sign these papers by close of business today and give them to my assistant Miss Peabody. She storms out of the office. JOE Wait a minute, wait just one minute! FRANK Oh Miss Nazipants? You forgot something Frank dangles her car keys in his hand and pockets them. Frank shrugs and they get up to leave, dropping all the papers over the floor. Nancy rushes back into the office as Joe and Frank leave, searching frantically for her car keys. Joe follows Frank out They head out the back to the pool. Nancy Nazipants is yelling and screaming for help in finding her keys.

    49.

    EXT. SWIMMING POOL - DAY Frank and Joe join the ladies in the pool after stripping down to their jockey shorts. They follow along with the aerobics but Frank soon slips underwater and has to be saved by the teacher who pulls him out and gives him mouth to mouth. Joe stands by knowing he is faking it. Frank has a smug look on his face. JOE Just call 9-1-1- he dates paramedics CUT

    50.

    LAW AND ORDER INT. FBI OFFICE - DAY Agent Lucy Ferraro, her partner Kip Dykstra are the FBI agents heading the investigation into the Geezer Bandit, along with Doug Dooley. Lucy, a large woman, masculine in nature, eats a sandwich while she watches footage from the bank held up by the Geezer Bandit. Kip, a slightly built man jumps around her nervously making comments. KIP This makes four banks LUCY I know KIP And, hes an old man70 at least. LUCY Maybewe havent established that definitively KIP Why? DOUG He could be wearing a mask KIP I dont think soyou think so? What makes you think that? Lucys cell phone rings and she answers. Dooley pauses the video of the Geezer. LUCY Yeah? Yeah. Yeah Yeah. Where? Who? What? Why? Yeah? Yep, Yep, yep. (Hangs up phone) Boys, we got a lead! KIP What?? LUCY Lets go.

    51.

    INT. POLICE STATION IN MISSION DIABLO - DAY FBI agents Lucy and Kip enter a small precinct holding room where two police officers and three teenage boys sit at a metal table, handcuffed. OFFICER Thanks for coming - This is Josh, his friend Jeremy, and his brother Tyler, who Officer pulls out an old man mask OFFICER, CONT. Wore this mask when entering a bank in Mission Diablo Center Josh jumps up but is restrained by the police officer. I bought that at Disneyland - at the Halloween shop- and we were just pulling a prank on the bank...we werent gonna rob it. Were just kids. LUCY How old? POLICE OFFICER 14, 15, and 16. Lucy starts pacing back and forth looking at the boys menacingly. The boys are frightened. CUT TO INT. JOES HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT TV blares Geezer bandit strikes again newscast NEWSCASTER (V.O.) At the US Bank in Mission Diablo, the bank robber, an older man believed to be in his 70s Joe looks closely at the TV, like he recognizes the guy. Theres an identical baseball cap on the coffee table. V.O The car at the scene of the bank robbery belonged to the Chief Executive Officer of Mission Diablo, Nancy Nazipants, who was brought in for questioning. She claims her car was stolen.

    52.

    Joe eats the brownies that Frank made, oblivious to the TV, and completely stoned. Then, he watches Law and Order. SFX (POP) bubble with Mary hologram within appears and Joe sees Marys ghost. MARY What did you do? Joe? What did you do? Joe stops eating and puts down the brownie - suddenly paranoid. JOE I didnt do nothing, I swear MARY Dont lie to me Joe King JOE Im not lying Then she disappears as fast as she appeared, spooking poor Joe. He figures it is the weed brownie, and throws it down. JOE (CONTD) Mary? Mary? Are you there? He starts to cryJOE (CONTD) Mary, I miss you so much He stops, strokes his chin, thinking JOE (CONTD) You got any lottery numbers for me? SFX Phone rings and Answer Machine picks up. V.O. Mr. King, this is SCS calling about your credit card payment, please call us at 1-800-666-1666 Frank returns, slamming the front door. JOE Where have you been? FRANK Out! JOE Out where?

    53.

    FRANK What are you? My mother? JOE Well, where have you been. You didnt even tell me you were going out. FRANK Were you worried about me? JOE A little - you forgot your baseball cap FRANK I have one in the car JOE Where did you go FRANK Well, I went to the bank if you must know JOE All day? FRANK Well, then I told you, I had to meet with my attorney Bernie JOE All this time? FRANK What - all this time..? I want to watch Cspan JOE After Law and Order FRANK Cmon they are doing the hearings today JOE You have a TV in your room FRANK It doesnt work or its not hooked up to the cable. Did you pay the bill?

    54.

    JOE No. Fine! Joe turns on CSPAN for Frank, and gets up to go to the kitchen FRANK Fine? JOE Fine! He fills a pot with water, and places it on the stove. He fills the pot with eggs and yells to Frank from the kitchen. JOE (CONTD) Do you like hard boiled or soft boiled eggs? FRANK What? Fine! JOE What? Do you want hard boiled or soft boiled eggs? FRANK I dont care! JOE Fine! Joe comes back in the living room and watches TV with Joe Later, Then, the smoke alarm goes off. He forgot about the eggs, and burned the pot When the news comes on, Frank gets up and leaves, taking his dog for a walk JOE (CONTD) Dont you want to watch the news FRANK Nahthe dog needs to go out Cmon, Girl, go bye bye? Yeah! Go Bye, Bye? (SFX) Franks cell phone rings (he has the Ironman ringtone) FRANK (CONTD) Yeah? What? Oh, my god! Okay, just sit tight Cmon, Joe, I gotta go to the police station

    55.

    JOE What the hell? Jesus Christ FRANK Idas kids got into some trouble, Im gonna go pick them up. JOE Do you have to bail them out of jail? FRANK Probably, you know, theyre Teenagers... Evil

    JOE You know I havent seen Tom and Marion in awhile FRANK Maybe we should go check on them. Yeah, thats a good idea, when we get back.

    56.

    INT POLICE STATION. LUCY AND KIP FACE TO FACE WITH JOE AND FRANK. THE EVIL TEENAGERS SIT ON METAL CHAIRS. LUCY Were not gonna arrest them - this time -But! They will remain persons of interest. Lucy makes a gesture that she has her eye on them. She shakes hands with both Frank and Joe. LUCY,CONT. You keep these boys out of trouble...we dont want to have come looking for them. FRANK Uh, Thanks, thanks alot Turns to boys, motioning them to come FRANK (CONTD) What did you do? JOSH Nothing. JEREMY Can I have my mask back? LUCY No! EXT: OUTSIDE POLICE STATION - DAY FRANK So, somebody want to tell me whats going on? JOSH They think Im the Geezer Bandit! Frank stops dead in his tracks. JOE Well, are you? JOSH I didnt get to rob the bank, I just went in wearing a mask to scare Melanie, my cousin who works there.

    57.

    FRANK Oh, OKAY - Get in the car, you punks. And, whatyamean ya didnt Get to rob the bank? Were you gonna? The punk shrugs. JOSH I dont got no gun, cant be no gangsta JOE Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! FRANK Get in the car! TYLER Can you pick up my sister and her friends? JOE Where are they? TYLER Across the street, waiting for us to get out, she just called me. Joe pulls into a Starbucks across the street and three hookers, er teenage girls file out and get in on top of the three boys in the back seat, so there are now six people in Joes Big Old Buick. But, they fit. Joe is freaked out and drives away as fast as he can. JOE Jesus H. Christ! Christ Almighty! FRANK You really need to stop taking the Lords name in Vain JOE Oh Shut UP! You heathen you pagan you devil man Frank sticks out his tongue and flashes the Devil sign with both hands One of the Evil Teenagers phone ringtone blares and they all start bopping in unison. (SFX) Jay Z, No Church in the Wild, intro.

    58.

    Joe drives nervously, narrowly avoiding certain death on the freeway.

    59.

    REAL ZOMBIES OF ORANGE COUNTY EXT. TOM AND MARIONS HOUSE - DAY Frank and Joe park outside Franks burnt down house to check on Tom and Marion, but the house is dark and no one answers, so they sneak around to the back window to peek in. FRANK Oh, there they are, making whoopee They look like they are sleeping. Then, we should leave them alone. But its three oclock in the afternoon. JOE So, you dont take naps? FRANK No Wait! JOE Cmon! Lets go! Somebody may see us lurking around the yard. FRANK And think we are perverts? Joe walks away in a hurry, paranoid he will be seen, but Frank takes another look in the window, seems worried. INT. JOES HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Joe and Frank settle in for the evening in front of the TV. The geezer bandit comes on the news broadcast JOE They think theres two of him FRANK Uh? Who? Why? JOE Well, So do you think hes wearing a mask? Doesnt look like an Evil Teenager to me... FRANK I think he has the right idea JOE Why?

    60.

    FRANK Well, if he gets caught - he goes to prison and hes taken care ofJOE True FRANK Cant be any worse than Mission Diablo - Probably better. No NAZI homeowners association, no Nancy Nazipantz, just the government control - And Thomas Jefferson said that banks are the actual threat to our country- Besides I look good in orange JOE How much do you think he gets? FRANK Im not sure, probably not that much which is why he keeps going back JOE A couple thousand? FRANK Depends on the bank and how much money they have on hand that day JOE Maybe they pick up the money when it gets to be more than a couple thousand - Dont they mark the bills? FRANK Well, no- but they might start CUT TO: INT: BEDROOM - GEEZER BANDIT IS SEEN STEALING AND DUMPING ALL THE CASH ON THE BED - DARK POV: Cannot see the guyss face, only his hands as he starts counting the money and piling it into a box.

    61.

    INT. JOES HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Joe and Frank get up in the morning and plunk down in front of the TV in their boxers. The geezer bandit comes on the news broadcast -Again! Frank seems panicked. FRANK So, did I tell you I am a Viet Nam? VetJOE Oh No, here we go -Did you see any action? FRANK Sure, some JOE And, then what you came home and went to Woodstock? FRANK I was injured in Viet Nam and sent home JOE Oh, what happened? FRANK I got shrapnel in butt. Wanna see? JOE NO! FRANK Im happy to moon ya! JOE NO! So, then you said you were one of those damn hippies rolling around in the mud at Woodstock? FRANK No, I was a roadie with the Dead set up the stage and stuffJOE I love the Grateful Dead! FRANK Me too. The answer machine picks up (SFX, Old-fashioned beep)

    62.

    V.O. Mr. King? Mr. Joe King? This is CCC Collections and Interments of Irvine, and we are calling about your unpaid bill. SFX: BeepJoe hurries over to turn it off. A minute later, the smoke alarm goes off. He forgot about the eggs, and burned the pot FRANK You burned the hard boiled eggs again, Joe JOE I know, I know Curly and Moses both go to the door to indicate they want to go out. JOE (CONTD) Take the dogs for a walk? FRANK Sure, lets cruise my old neighborhood and spy on Tom and Marion. EXT. TOM AND MARIONS HOUSE - DAY Joe and Frank walk their dogs to Tom and Marions house to take another look. Joe knocks on the door, and then they go around back, and cant see anything so Frank breaks in. JOE You did that pretty easily FRANK Yeah - Whoa, something stinks! They call out their names and tiptoe toward the bedroom. They find the two of them naked in bed, dead JOE Are they dead? FRANK Theyre dead.

    63.

    JOE That sure does smell, call the police. FRANK Well, finally I can say that they died doing what they love. JOE Each other. FRANK Wonder what killed them, both at the same time. JOE Simultaneous heart attack during climax? FRANK How romantic! Simultaneous Orgasmic combustion! EXT. THE TWO MEN WALK BACK OUTSIDE TO WAIT FOR THE CORONER TO SHOW UP - DAY Joe is sobbing. The two men watch as the workers take the bodies out to the van. FRANK Just old age, joe, just old age. JOE Sometimes I think about dyinglike oh no, Im gonna die, someday, dont know how,dont know when, how am I gonna pay for that..? I knowI got Mary a plot but whos gonna pay the maintenance fee after Im gone Its like real estate for the deadFRANK I know Mary had cancer but what kind? JOE Cervical or Ovarian, she couldnt have kids FRANK Do you regret not having kids? JOE No, I loved Mary with all my heart.

    64.

    FRANK But theres still time - yknow get hitched again- you should think about it? JOE Sure, Sure, I could have a baby in my 70s! What are you out of your fucking mind? Jesus Christ! FRANK A little Viagra, a little Vodka,a little Valium, and away we go! JOE Shut Up! Oh! Look! Here they come! The Coroners wheel out the two bodies. Instinctively, Frank gives a little salute. JOE (CONTD) Well Frank did you have any kids? FRANK None that I knew about JOE Oh. This is why we ended up in Mission Diablo - the old age home? FRANK I wish I could live forever JOE Really? FRANK Yeah - Forever, like in the Bible Those guys were always eight or nine hundred years old, Abraham, and Moses, and Schlomo, and Zeus...just Jesus, he was only 33 years old... So, I will pay the cable bill and if you need any money, just ask. JOE Well, I owe $10,000 to the (coughs) for Marys - you know treatment FRANK Ill pay it

    65.

    JOE How will you pay it? FRANK I told you, my uncle died and left me alot of money JOE What uncle? When? How much? FRANK Alot JOE Then why dont you just buy yourself a new house? FRANK What? You dont love me anymore, Joe? JOE (COUGHS) I caught your lung cancer FRANK My uncle put the money in an offshore account, so I just wire the money - and Uncle Sam had a house there - So I have a house in the Caribbean and thats why I dont want to buy another one JOE Well thats a load of bullshit jesus, if I ever heard one iota of truth from youFRANK Do you want to go with me? JOE Sure, I will sell my house and we will live happily ever after in the beachfront house in the Caribbean FRANK Or you could rent it out JOE So thats your secret evil plan? FRANK Not to worry - my dear friend, Joe King, the best is yet to come!

    66.

    JOE You really arent kidding, are you? FRANK Why would I lie? Franks iphone rings with the Ironman ringtone FRANK (CONTD) Hello? Hiya Roxanne? Yeah, Yeah, No! Listen, Joe has agreed to go with me so text me the directions? JOE Whos Roxanne? One of your girlfriends? Frank is still on the phone, hushing Frank. FRANK My sister FAT CATWOMAN INT./EXT. JOE DRIVES FRANK IN HIS CAR ON THE FREEWAY - DAY JOE Where you taking me? FRANK I got 2 tickets to an Expo in Anaheim - Roxanne sent them to me and we are gonna meet her afterwards JOE One of your old girlfriends? FRANK My sister! Ew, seriously? So gross. You will like her, shes a bit younger than me. She used to be a singer with the band JOE Whats the expo about? And, what band? FRANK Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, (looks at ticket) The Power of Fat

    67.

    JOE Fat? FRANK Yeah, the power of JOE Fat! FRANK Yeah -Oh, its a weight loss convention and Roxanne is in one of the presenters - there are celebrities JOE Fat celebrities? FRANK Probably JOE The Kardashians? FRANK What IS it with you and the Kardashians??? JOE Kirstie Ally? Whoa! Look at all the fat people! EXT. HUGE COMPLEX AND PARKING LOT - DAY As they pull up to the huge arena, there is a throng of people outside including the Media, TV trucks, and reporters. And Fat people - everywhere. They park and walk to the entrance. JOE Oh look its CNBC and they are broadcasting live CNBC REPORTER In a special series, One Nation Overweight. Obesity is Americas number one Health problem and CNBC (Or ZNBC) investigates the nationwide epidemic.

    68.

    JOE I dont see any celebrities. Wait. Oh, yeah, theres one Who is that again? A cowboy cruises by, beer gut draping over his belt. JOE (CONTD (CONTD) Oh, yeah, thats that actor! Whats his name? Whoa! Did he get fat. Looks like a beached whale... FRANK You got something against fat people, Joe? JOE No, no, not at all, but they are ALL SO FAT! FRANK So???? JOE Well, yeah, maybe I do. Is your sister fat? FRANK I dunno, havent seen her in a few years JOE Well, she must be fat if shes here. FRANK Yeah, probably big as a house! She works for one of the companies The two men walk into the huge complex that resembles a Star Wars Convention with Fat people on scooters mowing each other down. INT. A COLOSSEUM ENTRANCE, THRONGS OF PEOPLE -DAY JOE How we gonna find her? FRANK I have her cell phone number?

    69.

    JOE Oh, one of these days I will have to get me one of those mobile phones. FRANK She texted me she said to go into this Room 10A - over there!

    70.

    INT. AUDITORIUM - DARK When they got into the room and sit down, there is a film about fat power. CUT TO SCREEN ROLL FILM:MONTAGE OF CATWOMEN FROM BATMAN SERIES Slide show of all the Catwomen from the Batman series and then a disembodied voice offstage talks over the p.a. system. V.O Theres Catwoman Screen goes dark V.O (CONTD) And thentheres Fat Catwoman! Spotlight on Stage Right (Drumroll) An pudgy catwoman walks on stage to applause, laughter, and cat calls, a trademark of the organization. FRANK Thats Roxanne! FATCATWOMAN Whos Fat? Raise your hand. Im very tired of seeing headless fat bodies attached to every news article about weight. In ancient Hawaii, the fatter you were, the more power you had... Big and fat people say being fat reduces the 'threat' in social circles. And, one theory suggests that fat people are just oversexed and fear their own sexuality which they then stuff with food. (applause) Then, there's the anger. While anger is not always channeled correctly, sometimes, the only way to pacify it - is to feed it carbohydrates. Carbs or all that white stuff like French fries, rice, potatoes, pasta, and pizza, is a great brain pacifier. (MORE)

    71. FATCATWOMAN (CONT'D) Also known as starches and sugars, carbs are the body's main energy source. Because they turn to sugar! Who doesnt like sugar? (applause) Here's an idea. Why not pay people to lose weight? Instead costing the healthcare system billions each year, compensate fat people for every ten pounds of flesh they lose, and reward them. There was a diet group where the fat people put money into a pot for a weekly weigh-in, and whoever lost the most weight, won the pot of money. They got paid to lose weight. Whos fat? Raise your hand Nobody? Over 30 percent of Americans are overweight or considered obese (pause)in fact, morbid obesity is now considered a disability (pause) Cant come to work today, Im too fat...

    Audience titters ROXANNE, CONT. Fat is our armor, it is a belt or badge of honor or shame whichever you want - its our defiance against the system, our spirit to be whoever we are...winners or losers, but now! You get to make the decision... Maniac cheers So why not lose weight and make money, be a fatcats! and show them skinny bitches whos hot now...get paid to lose weight! Roxanne bounds offstage amid applause and laughs. Joe is stunned. Frank nudges him to follow. INT. HALLWAY INTO DRESSING ROOM - DAY - DARK They follow Roxanne into a tiny dressing room where she peels off her catsuit in front of them. She is wearing a fat suit. FRANK What the fuck?

    72.

    JOE Holy Mary, Mother of God! You are skinny! ROXANNE Shhh, dont tell anyone....Who are you? JOE Oh, Hi, Im Joe King ROXANNE Youre joking? JOE Yes, Joe King. INT. DRESSING ROOM WITH MIRROR, VANITY, AND SCREEN - DARK She disappears behind a screen and takes off the rest of her clothes, draping them over the screen. ROXANNE Im so glad you two came back to save -lets go get a cocktail - You do drink Joe King, do you not? JOE Yes, Yes, of course, so you are not married? FRANK (WHISPERS) No, she is not ROXANNE To the beach? FRANK Hit the beach! Roxanne comes out dressed seductively in a short dress and primps in front of the mirror. ROXANNE So, Joe King? How do you and Frank know each other? JOE We live together now that he blew up his house

    73.

    ROXANNE Well, you are way too cute to be hanging out with this degeneratedid he tell you he was a roadie for the Dead? Her ass faces Joe and he cant take his eyes off it. She looks at him in the mirror as she applies lipstick, and wiggles it for him. Frank stands off to one side, rolling his eyes. They turn to leave, and Frank whispers to Roxanne FRANK He has no money, Roxanne! ROXANNE Dammit! JOE So are you married, Roxanne? ROXANNE Damn! I forgot to get married! I knew there as something I had to do

    74.

    INT. JOES CAR IN COLOSSEUM PARKING LOT - DAY Frank peels out of the Anaheim parking lot with Roxanne and Joe in tow. Joe flirts with Roxanne as best he can. Roxanne sits up front with Joe huddling over from the back. Roxanne also feigns interest in Joe, but is suspicious since Frank seems to have more money than god. ROXANNE I love my job, I really do, but FRANK But you are afraid you may get a subpeona? INT. JOES CAR DRIVING DOWN THE FREEWAY - DAY ROXANNE Howd ya know? Well, yes, I told Frank that my boss is a crook and FATCATs is just that, a get rich quick scheme - Like a pyramid scheme -Yeah, people pay an upfront fee, but you have no pressure to lose weight, but then, if you gain weight or dont lose any, then you keep paying the fee. So, people just drop out Well, that s the thing The small print says they cant drop out for that would be a fatwa JOE A fatwa? ROXANNE Well, I dont know what a fatwa is but people get involved in fatcats because they think they get support for being fat and they do. Fat Power.. But then - Oh, forget about Fatcats... I want to settle down and get out of this traveling gig, two days here, two days there...if I were a rock star then at least I would have my own bus! JOE You are a rock star! Frank looks crooked at Joe, seeing his obvious crush on Roxanne.

    75.

    THE CAULDRON FRANK Take it easy, Tiger (muttering) Joe is speeding down the freeway with Frank in the backseat and drives dangerously through the beach town until he gets to the waterfront. EXT/INT: OCEANFRONT PARKING LOT/BAR & RESTAURANT - EVENING (THE TYPHOON SALOON) The three climb out of his car and act like teenagers shuffling around the beach, the sun setting behind them. ROXANNE Lets go get a cocktail and then we can get some food Frank is ripping off his respirator and tosses it in the car. ROXANNE (CONTD) Are you sure? FRANK Yeah, Im a fish, I got gills-I can breathe underwater (he starts coughing and hacking and alarming everyone) Joe is concerned and nods to Roxanne but she waves him on, assuring him all is well. Joe and Roxanne walk faster than Frank who is debilitated and very slow. He stumbles a couple of times and continues to cough, spit, and make outrageous noises. Theres a brisk wind and the three head for the nearest bar, The Typhoon Saloon and enters. INT: OCEANFRONT BAR & RESTAURANT - EVENING (THE TYPHOON SALOON) Roxanne sits down at the bar orders kamikazes for everybody, and pulls out her cash ROXANNE Whats your poison? Joe hunches over her, relating to her, laughing. Frank cracks out a cigarette and sits back, pulling out a hundred dollar bill.

    76.

    FRANK I got this Roxanne looks at the money, puzzled. Joe orders a beer, hovers toward Roxanne who sits between the two men. The bar is empty and there is an old jukebox which attracts Roxanne, who plugs in a couple of songs. She dances her way back to the bar. ROXANNE Lets eat! They order some cheeseburgers and french fries and beers and pretty soon the three are drunk and trading insults. FRANK So, how did you lose all that weight? (turns to Joe to indicate how fat she was with his hands) ROXANNE Well, I drank coffee all day and drank wine all night -But I dont recommend that as a diet plan. The owner of Fatcat offered me a job as an event coordinator and I would travel from town to town and set up these events and it was exhausting! I was on a plane every two days and living in a hotel and I couldnt even remember what my apartment looked like - So I put everything in storage and became a fatcat robot and before you know it! Fifty pounds down! I made really good money for awhile as I told you, but now, this is becoming really shady and I want to get out! Do Something else! Im old! FRANK Like what? How old? ROXANNE (CONTD) I dont know, hit the lottery Or rob banks Ha, Yeah, I am already slipping into a life of crime...so why not rob banks? Did you guys hear about the Geezer Bandit? When I saw him on TV at first, I thought it was Frank! Frank starts coughing JOE

    77.

    ROXANNE (CONTD) Then I realized my brother could never rob a bank! Did you know Frank and were in a rock and roll band? I sang for my supper in a band - Frank played bass-Good times right Frank? Frank is gagging JOE Oh!, So- Why did you think the Geezer wasnt your brother? ROXANNE Frank? Rob a bank? Look at him! Frank is falling down, choking to death. ROXANNE (CONTD) Oh god no! like I said, Im living out of suitcase and checking up on Frank who has one foot in the grave - and probably the other foot, too JOE Or diving in headfirst ROXANNE How bout you, Joe? Girlfriends? Married? Kids?

    JOE My wife died two years ago - cancer - and Frank took me under his wing ROXANNE So? What? Now you two are a couple??? Frank starts coughing and Joe laughs out loud. JOE Frank moved in after blowing up his house, but we have plenty of room if you want to stay Joe gives her a wink, then they both see Frank is in distress and call the paramedics. ROXANNE Are you inviting me to stay at your place, Joe

    78.

    JOE Why yes, yes, I am ROXANNE Well, sure, when Frank moves out. INT/EXT: THE PARAMEDICS ARRIVE AND CART FRANK OUT WHILE ROXANNE TALKS TO JOE AND THEY SAUNTER OUT BEHIND THEM -NIGHT Roxanne and Joe are laughing and arm in arm. JOE So, tell me about this band ROXANNE Apeshit? JOE The name of the band was Apeshit? ROXANNE Yeah, unofficially, officially, we called ourselves the shitheads JOE Come on, you are pulling my leg! ROXANNE We were known as the Foster Kids But thats because our Lead guitarist was named Vinnie Foster, and it was his band. JOE What did you play and where? ROXANNE Well Blues, reggae,rock and roll, JOE Did you play any instruments? ROXANNE I played some guitar but it ruined my nails so I sang The paramedics load Frank into the truck and turn to Joe and Roxanne to let them know what is going on. PARAMEDIC He is alright, but they are taking him in for observation

    79.

    ROXANNE Oh, well, guess I will take you up on that offer JOE What offer? ROXANNE To stay at your place (purring) EXT: BEACH, OCEAN WAVES, SAND, NIGHT Roxanne weaves out toward the beach instead of the car as Joe was about to get into the drivers seat. He quickly follows her out the moonlight as the ambulance pulls away, lights flashing and sirens blaring. They are both inebriated, and Joe points to the full moon, hanging over the sea. JOE So let me hear you sing Cmon, lets hear you Roxanne kicks off her shoes and breaks into a song singing softly ROXANNE I can feel it in my fingers. I can feel it in my toes... Joe is taken aback but laughs to himself eyeing Roxannes heaving breasts. ROXANNE (CONTD) I can feel it in my fingers, Feel it in my toes Love is all around me And so the feeling goes... CUT INT: JOES HOUSE BEDROOM AND LIVING ROOM - MORNING Joe wakes up the next morning and hears the birds chirping. Instead of dreading the day, he bounces out of bed, sings, and makes the coffee Roxanne comes out of the guest room, yawning, and smiles as Joe offers her a cup of coffee. They sit side by side in the armchairs

    80.

    ROXANNE So who are these evil teenagers? JOE Oh they are kids that Frank caters to. One night he brought this kid in here and they played Guitar Hero for about four hours. You would not believe the racket. ROXANNE Yeah, thats Frank, the evil teenager INT: HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Joe and Roxanne tiptoe into the room where Frank lay in bed. Frank looks dead, so Joe checks his pulse, but Frank grabs his hand. FRANK Not dead yet! What are you up to today? Never mind us, what about you? FRANK (CONTD) Oh, I got to go through a few more tests or medical torture and they they will let me go home. JOE You want me to wait till they discharge you? FRANK No, you two go home and relax it will take a couple of hours and I will get a cab - you kids go have some fun ROXANNE Im gonna go to the ladies room Roxanne disappears out the door as she is holding back tears. FRANK So you dig my sister JOE Yeah, shes fun FRANK You want to pin her, Moondoggie?

    81.

    JOE I really like her. FRANK Well, if you join the land of the living, you get a cell phone and learn how to text, and you can text her a love note. Or email her, oh, right, you dont have a computer... JOE Why is she into all that stuff? FRANK Everybody is but you JOE Well, you know Im poor... FRANK I know, so Im gonna buy you your first laptop, sonny, and put you on my cell phone plan JOE You would do that for me? FRANK I would -now get out of here and go entertain my sister. Frank hands Joe a couple of bills out of his wallet EXT. PARKING LOT OF HOSPITAL, JOES CAR JOE Roxanne, how about dinner? ROXANNE No Joe, thanks, but Im going back to my hotel. I need to think about my job, whats gonna happen to Frank? (she starts to sob) JOE Damn! Get in, I will take you back to your hotel INT. BANK TELLER WINDOW - DAY An old man approaches teller and pulls a gun, handing her a bag to fill with cash.

    82.

    BANDIT Give me all the cash or I will murder you The Teller has an asthma attack as she fills his bag, and shoves it back toward the old man in a baseball cap, his identity concealed. He turns quickly and leaves. The teller cant speak because she cant breathe. INT. JOES HOUSE LIVING ROOM - DAY Frank comes into the room laden with packages. He bought a laptop and a cell phone for Frank, and a delivery man follows him with a giant TV and begins installing it. DELIVERY GUY Where do you want it JOE What the hell, Frank! What the hell? Jesus H. Christ! FRANK I aint watching TV on your 1982 RCA Victor JOE Its a Sanyo FRANK Oh, sorry, but anyway, I bought a state of the art TV so we can watch porn in style. JOE Im not watching any porn! FRANK Now go get dressed, white boy JOE Why? FRANK Because I invited Roxanne over for dinner JOE What??? But the place is a mess FRANK Cmon, go get prettyd up, Cowboy Joe stops a moment to think.

    83.

    JOE I know! I will wear my white cashmere sweater Frank looks at him as Joe preens and turns to go shower and shave. He is singing. FRANK (YELLING) Dont Sing! INT. JOES LIVING ROOM - EVENING Frank and Joe watch the big screen TV which overpowers the room. Joe is pinned to his chair, eyes wide open, enthralled with the new TV. Frank is smoking and counsels him. FRANK It would be great if Roxanne could stay here for awhile JOE Yeah, Yeah, it would be great what? FRANK I mean, you like her, right and shes my kid sister and I need her to go over a few things - and she needs a place to stay and she could help me with my -you know holdings JOE Yeah, Yeah, What? Yeah, it would be great? Wait! What? FRANK I think it would be great if you invited Roxanne to stay here for awhile JOE it would be great, yeah, yeah, what? FRANK I'm rich as shit, and I am a millionaire and I own a mansion and a yacht JOE Mansion, yacht, yeah, yeah, great, what?

    84.

    FRANK So, when Roxanne comes over here, just listen to what I say and repeat after me JOE yeah, yeah, great. SFX Doorbell: Ding Dong JOE (CONTD) Hya Roxanne, have a seat, have a seat, watch this TV for awhile...I'll get dinner started. I mean its started, but well, let me go call the Pizza Place -Do you like anything on your pizza pepperoni? ROXANNE No, but order me a salad, I don't need to eat all that cholesterol Roxanne sits down in the plush armchair next to Frank. ROXANNE (CONTD) YOu have no idea how hard it is to find Mission Diablo - what IS this place anyway? FRANK Oh, Yes, I do. that why I sent you the GPS - Mission Diablo has its own zipcode and its a retirement community for active seniors. ROXANNE Yeah, I would have Never gotten here otherwise...its like Brigadoon. FRANK So, listen Roxanne, my friend Joe has a crush on you ROXANNE Yeah, you told me FRANK I did? ROXANNE Yeah, so ? God, this is monster television, couldnt find anything bigger?

    85.

    FRANK So, I want you to butter him up and come stay with us for awhile ROXANNE What? FRANK Listen, I got a secret to tell you and I want you to stay calm Frank leans over to whisper in her ear. Roxanne screams a little, eyes popping out of her head. He whispers that he won the lottery but doesn't want anyone to know... ROXANNE How much?????????????????? FRANK Alot, a whole lot ssshhhh! Roxanne grabs the arms of the chair and writhes in orgasmic glee, but stops when Joe comes in the room. Joe brings in a few dishes filled with hors doeuvres and wine glasses. JOE Howd ya like that TV, huh? ROXANNE Yeah, its pretty big, it sort of eats you alive.. Joe creates a buffet of wine and food on the huge coffee table and pops open the wine bottle, cork flying. FRANK So, Roxanne, are you coming to the Caymans with us? August 6th? Roxanne stares at him blankly. Joe realizes she is confused and so is he. Roxanne follows Joe into the kitchen ROXANNE Joe, I wanted to talk to you about Frank, have a little talk about the future? JOE I would like that ROXANNE Did I mention I really like your sweater - is that cashmere

    86.

    JOE Thanks Joe is glowing from head to toe. JOE (CONTD) Heh Frank? Crack out your guitar Frank stumbles in with his guitar and lights up the night with a duet with Roxanne FRANK AND ROXANNE I can feel it in my fingers, I can feel it in my toes - Lets go out in the yard and torture the neighbors with your caterwauling

    EXT. NIGHT FULL MOON, JOES TINY BACKYARD. Frank drags out his amp and plugs it into the patio wall. Pretty soon, Joe joins in on the song. The three are basically howling at the full moon peaking over the horizon Suddenly people from the neighborhood gather for the informal hootenanny. People start drumming and playing percussion and dancing and cracking open beers. FRANK I turned it into a reggae beat... ROXANNE Dont you know any other songs? FRANK Shut up and sing! Roxanne starts belting out some tunes. Others join in singing the blues until it is a full blown hippie hootenanny. Somebody fires up a firepit and the natives grow restless and start dancing. SENIOR 1 Lets go swimming FRANK Naked! Some of the Seniors shuffle off the community pool until only Frank, Joe, and Roxanne are left. CUT

    87.

    INT/EXT JOES HOUSE - DAY Frank and Joe are very hung over and walk out the front door. The House is a wreck and Roxanne is fast asleep. FRANK Let's take my car JOE I hate your car FRANK I knew it! JOE Let's take my car FRANK No! My car! JOE You're sick, I will drive you FRANK Oh, I've heard that before and I may have cancer, but I'm not sick JOE Really? FRANK Yeah, I decided I don't believe in cancer. JOE Cancer won't kill me or you? FRANK No, something else will. I think I will die peacefully in my sleep as soon as I pay off my funeral JOE Your funeral? FRANK Yeah, prepaid open bar, closed casket funeral. It will be fun, you should come. JOE Oh, I will. Will there be dancing? FRANK Probably! AT least I hope so

    88.

    JOE Will your sister be there? FRANK She's helping me plan it. I meant to ask you = would it be all right if she stayed with us JOE Sure, I like her FRANK I know you do. Let's take my car JOE Sure. EXT. DRIVEWAY - JOES HOUSE - DAY The two hop into his Porsche Carrera. Frank zooms off. FRANK I thought I'd try the new car out and see how it runs. JOE What year is it? FRANK Its brand new JOE Are you mad? Jesus, Joseph, and Jehosephat! FRANK So, you can thank me for paying off your wife's medical bills. JOE It means alot to me that you would lend me the money. FRANK I didn't lend it to you. It's not a loan. In fact, I wanted to ask you if you would consider going with me to the Caymans so I can take care of all the business matters there. JOE I would love to go. Is Roxanne going?

    89.

    FRANK Yes, she is. Okay then I will book three tickets for Thursday August 6th JOE August 6? That's the day they bombed Hiroshima. FRANK Oh, all the better, Bomb day. JOE Atom Bomb day FRANK Nuclear weapon of mass destruction. What is this? The Calendar from Hell? JOE Yeah, so what will we do with the dogs? FRANK We're taking 'em JOE Are you crazy? FRANK I don't go anywhere without my dogor my guitar. JOE Watch Out! FRANK Whew! That was close - Its a good day to die JOE Where we going again? FRANK To the Doctor to get your prescription and to get my Zanax and Viagra JOE My prescription?

    90.

    FRANK Yeah Im treating you to some meds for the plane trip so I dont have to listen to your whining. EXT. PARKING LOT - STRIP MALL - DAY The two men exit from the Doctors Medical Building and as Joe tries to get back into the low car, Frank spies a pretty girl and runs over to talk to her. When he gets back in, Joe throws his hands up in the air. Frank has a date with the girl later and will circle back to pick her up. INT. CAR - DAY - DRIVING ALONG THE HIGHWAY JOE Whatyamean shes meeting you later? Is she a hooker? FRANK Noooooooooo Shes a nurse - So Im dropping you off at home and you and Roxanne can have dinner without me. JOE But we are leaving for the Caymans in three days! FRANK No matter, I will be home tonight. JOE But we are going for a couple of months and you have to pack and fill the prescriptions, and go see your attorney FRANK I know, I know...I got it all under control Joey! I have an iphone and and a ipad and an iputz! JOE Fine! FRANK Fine!

    91.

    INT JOES LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Later, Frank returns from his tryst with the nurse, and interrupts Joe and Roxanne sitting thisclose on the couch watching Law and Order. He is wild-eyed, drunk, and crazed, and blows by them. JOE Frank are you alright? FRANK Of course, I feel like a million bucks ROXANNE Did you do coke? FRANK What makes you think that??? ROXANNE Because you are acting like the energizer bunny and you are dancing on the ceiling! Frank does a jig JOE You drank a coke? Why? Is he not supposed to drink coke because I always buy Pepsi and the sugar free kind because-what is the matter with you? ROXANNE Go to your room, Frank! FRANK Fine! JOE Fine! ROXANNE What is this the Fine Family? Go to bed, Frank, we have a flight to catch? Frank goes into his room and starts blasting the stereo with Led Zeppelin. Roxanne watches TV. Joe yells from the living room

    92.

    JOE Head phones! Whats the matter with him? Transition INT. MORNING JOES HOUSE - DAY Joe and Roxanne are in their bathrobes and Joe serves Roxanne coffee as she packs her suitcase for their trip to the Caymans. ROXANNE Money, Tickets, Passport? Frank hired a private jet and somebody took the dogs already JOE What? A private jet? ROXANNE Yeah -cool, huh? Go wake Frank up Joe goes into Franks room and finds him dead. He comes back out and starts bawling as Roxanne stands there stunned. ROXANNE (CONTD) What? What? What? TRANSITION EXT. DAY. CORONER COMES FOR FRANK Roxanne and Joe watch them load the body into the car and sniffle, snob and hold each other. The Coroner, dressed in a suit comes over to have them sign the papers. His badge says his name is Mel Brooks. JOE Now what are we gonna do??? ROXANNE We will go to Caymans without him. JOE But what about his funeral ROXANNE We will leave right after the funeral

    93.

    JOE Where are the dogs? ROXANNE They took them to the airport already JOE Oh God Roxanne - he was like a son to me ROXANNE A son? Arent you younger than him? JOE Yeah, but he was so immature ROXANNE Cmon lets go, Grandpa! The two walk glumly back into the house INT. DAY JOES LIVING ROOM Franks phone rings, playing the ringtone from Black Sabbath, Iron man. Joe and Roxanne exchange looks. ROXANNE Wheres Franks Iphone? They start rummaging around looking for it, and still the ring tone plays loudly. Joe finally finds it in the sofa and answers JOE Hello? EXT. JOES HOUSE: BLACK LIMO PULLS UP. DAY Roxanne motions to joe to hurry and they jump in the limo, riding out of Mission Diablo to go to Franks funeral EXT: LUCY FERRARO AND FBI AGENTS IN UNMARKED POLICE CAR The Feds pull into Mission Diablo as the Black Limo passes them going the other way. LUCY Hello, Yes, Mr. Mahoney?

    94.

    INT: FBI CAR, LUCY FERRARO, KIP DYKSTRA, DOUG DOOLEY, GUNS DRAWN JOE (V.O.) Um no, this isLUCY Mr. Mahoney This is Special Agent Lucy Ferraro and we need to speak with you_ We are on our way to your house right now, and we will be there in a few moments... JOE (V.O.) Um, no. Im Joe King LUCY No joking Mr. Mahoney, we need to speak with you so we are coming over to your house right now, watch for the patrol car JOE (V.O.) Sure, Sure, okay. but Im Joe King Lucy Ferraro hangs up the phone. LUCY We got him, we got the Geezer Bandit. EXT. MISSION DIABLO ROAD OF FRANKS BURNED DOWN HOUSE. Two patrol cars pull up with a SWAT team. The Feds are in an unmarked car and screech to a stop behind the SWAT Truck. The Feds and cops jump out of their cars and then look at each other since there is only a vacant lot. INT. LIMO DRIVING OUT OF MISSION DIABLO Joe hangs up. Hes confused. He looks at Roxanne who is biting her nail. ROXANNE So, who was it? JOE The police ROXANNE What did they want?

    95.

    JOE Frank ROXANNE Except that Frank is dead JOE Yeah, that. God rest his soul ROXANNE Why do they want to talk to him? JOE Hes always bailing out the Evil Teenagers ROXANNE Who knew he was an angel? JOE Well, I wouldnt go so far as to call him an angel ROXANNE But you are - You come here. JOE Me? ROXANNE Yeah, you old man -Cmere and kiss me JOE Kiss me? ROXANNE And, shut up. They kiss. Joe is stunned. ROXANNE (CONTD) Cmon time for the closed casket, open bar. EXT: JOE AND ROXANNE DRESSED IN THEIR FUNERAL FINEST - DAY As the two get out of the car, arm in arm, they approach the Church called the Rock n Roll Church. There is loud music and singing blaring from inside. JOE Oh Christ almighty

    96.

    INT: FRANKS COFFIN AND OPEN BAR FUNERAL - DARK, DAY Closed casket, open bar with a bartender pouring drinks for a huge crowd of people, including all the Evil Teenagers who clamor around Joe and Roxanne. The usual suspects from Mission Diablo gather as well all dimly lit by candlelight. there is a live band, orchestra, and a chorus dressed in gothic black, choral singers, and tons of people. JOE OH, here Tyler, this is Franks Iphone - do you want it? TYLER Sure, but what about you Uncle Joe, dont you want it? JOE No, he bought me my own. But, Im taking the Simm card out so you have to get your own. TYLER Thanks! Thanks Uncle Joe After a New Orleans style procession out of the Church with hymns, gospel and rock and roll, and a final song, Burning Love by Elvis Presley as they are taking him to be cremated. SFX: Viva Elvis version: Burning Love EXT. DAY: ROCK AND ROLL CHURCH PARKING LOT People follow the casket out as it goes to the backyard crematorium, with the gospel singers still singing Burning Love. Then they break into a solemn cadence of Love is All Around me Ruby, Rose, and Rita (on her scooter) hover around Joe. RUBY So, Joe whos the lady? JOE Roxanne, Franks sister RUBY Oh, Im so sorry! So- honey, where you two going?

    97.

    Roxanne and Joe cry and console each other and she gets back into the limo. Ruby burns with jealousy, and stops Joe as he climbs into the Limo with Roxanne. JOE To hell, Ruby, straight to hell you wanna come? Joe slams the limo door in Rubys face JOE (CONTD) So, off to the Caymans? ROXANNE (SNIFFLING) Thats the plan. Lets go-the dogs are already on the planeJOE That was some funeral EXT. AIRPORT: DAY PRIVATE JET AWAITS They board a private jet, accompanied by Franks attorney, Bernie. INT. AIRPLANE: DAY JOE I thought he was kidding BERNIE No, Im really his attorney Bernie JOE So, why are you here? BERNIE I got his will and you two get everything. JOE Really? BERNIE Well, he left two guitars and a car to the Evil Teenagers Well, I gotta go - have a nice trip! Bernie hands each of them a copy of the will and dashes off the plane. They strap in and prepare to take off.

    98.

    ROXANNE Whoa!, hes loaded! Well he - was loaded JOE I cant believe it, how come Uncle Sam didnt leave any money to you? ROXANNE Who is Uncle Sam? JOE The rich uncle who died and left him all this money ROXANNE What rich uncle? Frank told me he won the lottery The three look at each other puzzled. FADE OUT SFX MUSIC EXT. DAY - PLANE IN THE SKY Federal agents on the ground, locked and loaded.

    (Roll Credits) (Character list) Thomas Jefferson said he believed that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than a standing army

    The END
    The Other End See Outtakes

    99.

    DRAFT 1.0 Le Geezer Bandit By Nora Boyle Copyright April 26 2012 Registration Number: TXu 1-808-266 WGA Registration: 1602237

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