THE BADGE!

A Comedy about Law and Disorder

"Pilot"
Written by
Nathan Hartman
NATHAN HARTMAN
260-692-2057
nathan@nathanhartman.com
nathanhartman.com
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
EXT. CITY ALLEY - NIGHT
A BLACK CAT travels up a fire escape, reaching a window, where
DETECTIVE MIKE OMALLEY, 42, leans out, smoking a cigarette.
The cat PURRS and OMalley pets him as he flicks the cigarette
into the alley below.
INT. APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
OMalley ducks back inside and, unbeknownst to him, closes the
window on the cats tail.
The CAT SCREECHES but OMalley just moves towards a kitchen
cabinet, completely stocked with whiskey, and picks a bottle,
pops off its top and takes a swig.
As he drinks, he walks into the...
LIVING ROOM
...and up to one of the walls, where tacked up photos of
mobster types form a pyramid-like collage.
OMalley studies the photos as he unbuttons his dress shirt,
revealing a white undershirt. He scratches the undershirt and
takes it off as well, revealing another undershirt.
KITCHEN - LATER
OMalley empties his pockets, throwing down his keys, gun,
cellphone, cigarette pack, lighter, digital camera, and
Rubiks Cube onto the dining table.
He pulls out his wallet and opens it to a photo of himself and
a WOMAN- both in full police uniform with big smiles. At the
photos bottom, BEST PARTNERS FOREVER is scrawled in ink.
LATER
OMalley sets a can of beans on the stove top and turns a
knob. A HISS comes from the stove as OMalley moves to the
ignitor button.
A KNOCK at the DOOR
OMalley turns to the door, the ignitor button untouched.
OMALLEY
Whos there?
No answer. OMalley grabs his gun from the kitchen table.
As he enters the...
LIVING ROOM
...he COCKS the GUN and moves to the front door, slowly
unlocking its dead bolt. He whips the door open. Nobody.
OMalley looks down at his feet to find a bomb (the cartoon
bowling ball type) at his feet, its wick lit!
OMALLEY
My God...
OMalley grabs the bomb and twists its middle, splitting the
explosive in two. Sitting in the bottom half, a digital timer
counts down 30 seconds while three colored wires protrude-
green, red, and puce.
OMalley runs to the...
KITCHEN
...and opens every drawer, rummaging through them all.
Suddenly, he turns to another wall where a box hangs, the
words, IN CASE OF BOMB, BREAK GLASS on its front. OMalley
SMASHES the boxs front and pulls out a pair of scissors,
placing them to the bombs three wires.
OMALLEY
Green...red...or puce?
4!...3!...2!... OMalley cuts the puce wire and the timer
stops. Breathing a sigh of relief, OMalley grabs his pack of
smokes from the table, puts one between his lips, and flicks
on his lighter.
Suddenly, OMalley smells something in the air. His eyes go to
the stove as the HISSING of escaping gas grows louder.
EXT. CITY ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
A BALL OF FIRE EXPLODES from OMalleys kitchen window.
The SCREECHING of the cat returns as he lands in a pile of
trash, his fur singed and smoking. He shakes himself off and
runs down the street.
END OF COLD OPEN
2.
ACT ONE
EXT. GRAVEYARD - OMALLEYS GRAVE PLOT - MORNING
Its raining. Mourners huddle around a casket, which hangs
over a plot. A large framed photo of OMalley stands nearby.
A PRIEST, standing by the photo, opens a small black book.
PRIEST
(reading somberly)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
today to bring these two people
together in holy matrimony...
The Priest stops, confused. He licks his finger, flips back a
few pages in the book and clears his throat.
PRIEST (CONTD)
(still somber)
Ladies and gentlemen, we have come
together today to mourn the passing
of Detective Michael OMalley, one of
New Yorks bravest. To many people he
was many things...
DETECTIVE WENDY WEBB, 35 and the woman from OMalleys photo,
holds an umbrella while tears roll down her face. CAPTAIN
JASPER KENNEDY, 57, and OFFICER HANK BARRYMORE, 27, stand
beside her.
PRIEST (CONTD)
...to some, he was a friend and
colleague...
A TROOP of uniformed BOY SCOUTS stand sniffling by the grave.
PRIEST (CONTD)
...to others, the best Boy Scout
leader in the whole tri-county area.
The Priest closes his book and looks up at the crowd.
PRIEST (CONTD)
But to all, he was a hero.
Wendy bursts into tears and runs away, throwing down her
umbrella, which lands on the caskets pulley switch and sends
the whole thing to the plots bottom with a CRASH.
Officer Barrymore leans towards Captain Kennedy.
3.
BARRYMORE
Gee Chief, I think Detective Webb
might be upset.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Quite right, Lieutenant. Excuse me.
Kennedy follows Wendy into the graveyard as the Priest cranes
his neck down the plot to look at the crashed casket below.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - ANOTHER AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Wendy leans against a tree, crying softly to herself.
Kennedy holds out a handkerchief and Wendy takes it.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Tough day, aint it?
WENDY
Its just this whole thing.
OMalleys death, the explosion, it
just rips me apart!
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
I know...it did the same thing for
OMalley.
Wendy bawls even harder.
Kennedy holds Wendy at arms length, looking into her eyes.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY (CONTD)
Now listen up. Your partners death
is a shame, a damn shame, to both our
police force and the Boy Scouts of
America, but weve got to keep our
heads on straight so we can catch the
son of a bee moth responsible! Cause,
at the end of all this, theres a
grave with his name on it.
WENDY
Really? You think so?
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
In a cemetery this size, at least two
or three. Listen, things are already
looking up. Your new partner should
be flying in as we speak.
WENDY
As who speaks?
4.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
As we spea...
EXT. AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS
An airplane lands safety on the runway.
INT. AIRPORT - LATER
A MAN stands holding a cardboard sign reading, RICHARD
REILLY as several airplane passengers leave the terminal.
RICHARD REILLY appears, a pretty STEWARDESS under each arm,
but walks right past the man, unaware.
Further down, ANOTHER MAN stands with a sign reading,
UMMM...DETECTIVE REILLY? Reilly passes him as well.
Even further down, a THIRD MAN holds a sign reading,
DETECTIVE REILLY! DETECTIVE REILLY! Reilly stops and turns.
REILLY
Oh, there you are.
(to Stewardesses)
Adieu ladies.
Reilly winks at the Stewardesses and they giggle and leave.
MAN
Detective Reilly?
REILLY
Whos asking?
MAN
I am.
REILLY
Oh, well then yes.
INT. POLICE STATION - SECOND FLOOR - THE BULLPEN - AFTERNOON
The bullpen is busy as officers perform daily procedures.
WENDYS DESK
Wendy sits glumly as OFFICER BARRYMORE walks up, holding a pad
of paper and pencil.
BARRYMORE
Going on a lunch run to the diner.
Can I get you anything Detective?
Wendy hands a five dollar bill to Barrymore
5.
WENDY
How bout a slice of that famous
cherry pie?
BARRYMORE
Piece of cake.
WENDY
No, just the pie will do.
Barrymore nods, writes down Wendys order, and exits.
BULLPEN ENTRANCE
Captain Kennedy and Reilly enter, walking across the room.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
And this is the second floor bullpen
where we house many of our police
divisions. Over there is traffic...
Reilly turns to see several officers playing with small toy
matchbox cars.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY (CONTD)
...to your left our plainclothes
squad...
Reilly turns to see several Amish men sitting in rocking
chairs and smoking corn cob pipes.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY (CONTD)
...and right here the K-9 unit.
Kennedy and Reilly stop at a desk where a German Shepard sits
with a tie around his neck and his paw on his computer mouse.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY (CONTD)
(to the dog)
Morning Bruster!
The dog BARKS.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY (CONTD)
Oh, the kids are fine. Thanks for
asking.
Kennedy motions to Reilly and they walk up to...
6.
WENDYS DESK
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Ah, there you are. Wendy, Id like
you to meet Detective Richard Reilly.
Reilly, this is Detective Webb.
Wendy holds out her hand.
WENDY
Wendy Webb.
Reilly shakes her hand.
REILLY
Ah, Wendy...that was my fathers
name.
WENDY
Small world.
REILLY
So the Captain here tells me well be
working together.
WENDY
Thats right.
REILLY
Well, thats fine. Now, just so you
know, I talk rather fast so, if I
were you, Id dictate in short hand.
Also, Im not a fan of those little
sticky notes so well have to come up
with some sort of Excel spreadsheet
for messages and...
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
--Reilly, I think youve gotten the
wrong idea. Webbs your partner.
REILLY
Partner?
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Is there a problem?
REILLY
Im afraid there is. Captain, I work
alone, always have, always will.
WENDY
What? Youve got something against
female cops?
7.
REILLY
Nothing a shot of testosterone and a
year in the Boy Scouts couldnt fix.
Wendy begins to tear up.
WENDY
The Boy Scouts...
Barrymore returns holding a paper lunch bag.
BARRYMORE
I got your piece of pie Detective. It
was only four seventy-five so heres
a quarter back.
Barrymore holds the quarter out to Wendy but she gets up and
runs off, holding back tears. Kennedy follows after her.
BARRYMORE (CONTD)
Was it something I said?
REILLY
No. I get the feeling she just
doesnt like change.
Reilly pats Barrymore on the back and takes the bag.
INT. OMALLEYS APARTMENT - LATER
The entire apartment is now blown to bits with everything
broken or charred.
A CRIME PHOTOGRAPHERS flash goes off as he takes a picture of
the scene with his high definition camera.
Beside him, a SECOND PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a photo with a 1980s
Polaroid camera, grabbing the print as it comes out the front.
Beside him, a THIRD PHOTOGRAPHER stands with his head inside
the back of an old 8x10 view camera, which sits on a tripod.
In his hand he holds the cameras trigger.
THIRD PHOTTOGRAPHER
Watch the birdie!
FLASH! The camera takes a photo as Reilly and Wendy enter.
REILLY
Not much of a housekeeper your ex-
partner, was he?
8.
WENDY
(coldly)
Not really. Look, about earlier...
REILLY
--Forget about it.
WENDY
Agreed. If were going to be
partners, I just need to know that
youll take what I have to say
seriously. The key to a good
partnership is listening and...
Wendy turns to find Reilly gone, now standing over by the
charred remains of OMalleys photo collage pyramid.
REILLY
So whats this?
Wendy walks over to Reilly.
WENDY
The reason OMalley was here in the
first place. The Cannoli family mob
syndicate.
Wendy points to a photo, at the peak of the pyramid, of a
balding 72 year-old with a pencil thin mustache.
WENDY (CONTD)
Thats Don Cannoli, the Godfather of
the family.
Wendy moves to a pair of photos under the Dons and points to
the one on the right, featuring a middle aged mugger with a
long scar running his entire cheek bone.
WENDY (CONTD)
Britso Bratso, Cannolis right hand
man...
Wendy points to the picture on the left of a strong brute in
his late-thirties.
WENDY (CONTD)
...and Capeesh Cannoli, the Dons
left hand man. Hes his nephews
second cousin on his mothers side.
REILLY
Whats his job?
9.
WENDY
The heavy.
Reilly examines Capeeshs photo.
REILLY
Well, Id say big boned at best.
WENDY
About six-months back, our office saw
a surge in gun and drug activity
within the Cannoli family but, oddly
enough, all their normal drop-off
spots had been left deserted.
OMalleys job was to go undercover
into the syndicate using the alias,
Mickey The Mole Mancuso and find
out how the family was running their
supplies.
REILLY
Deep undercover huh?
WENDY
He was completely on his own and only
to report when he had definite proof.
REILLY
So he had no contacts?
WENDY
No. Just reading glasses.
REILLY
I see.
Wendy reaches into her purse and pulls out her cell phone.
WENDY
In fact, I hadnt even heard from him
till he left me this message
yesterday, hours before he died.
She presses a few buttons on her phone and then holds it out.
OMALLEY (V.O.)
(on cell speaker)
Hello? Wendy? You there kid? If you
are pick up the phone. Ive figured
out how the Cannolis have been
runnin their goods but I think
theyre on to me. Its so simple but
I cant tell you now and risk putting
you in danger. Just let me say this.
10.
(MORE)
Doughs been changing hands around
here and this Wednesday a deals
going down that will make a lot of
bread for a lot of people. Ive got
to go. Ill call back soon.
The message ends with a CLICK and Reilly scratches his chin.
REILLY
Wednesday...but thats tomorrow.
WENDY
Times running out.
Wendy motions to Reilly and they walk into the...
KITCHEN
...where the bottom half of a body is outlined in tape on the
floor by the remains of the stove.
REILLY
So thats where he bit it. Wheres
his top half?
WENDY
There, there, and there.
Wendy points to three areas in the kitchen. In one an arm is
outlined, the other a head, and the third a torso and arm.
REILLY
Ah.
Reilly spots something under whats left of the kitchen table.
REILLY (CONTD)
Well, well. Whats this?
He and Wendy move to the table and Reilly picks up the object.
WENDY
OMalleys wallet.
REILLY
You sure?
WENDY
Id know it anywhere.
REILLY
How bout in Bozeman Montana?
11.
OMALLEY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
WENDY
I said anywhere.
Reilly opens the wallet to the photo of Wendy and OMalley.
Wendy lowers her gaze, too despondent to look.
Reilly pulls a business card from the wallet .
REILLY
Heres something.
INSERT - THE BUSINESS CARD, which reads:
Louies Bar Mitzvah and Grill
223 Crumbum Blvd.
555-1138
Reilly flips the card over. On the opposite side theres a
lipstick kiss and a bit in ink which reads:
Diane - 535-9943
Had fun tonight!
BACK TO THE APARTMENT
REILLY (CONTD)
Looks like OMalley met himself a
little lady. Ever hear of a Diane?
WENDY
Not that I can remember.
REILLY
Well, why dont you finish up here
and Ill go see if theyre serving up
any crucial plot-changing information
down at Louies Bar Mitzvah and
Grill.
EXT. LOUIES BAR MITZVAH AND GRILL - NIGHT
Above the bars entrance, a neon sign blares the
establishments name as images of a beer mug and the Star of
David blink beside it.
INT. LOUIES BAR MITZVAH AND GRILL - CONTINUOUS
HAVA NAGILA PLAYS as a group of Hasidic Jews hold up their
BAR MITZVAH BOY in a chair and parade him around what
otherwise resembles a typical bar.
Reilly walks in and passes the group of jubilant Jews.
12.
REILLY
Mazeltov!
The group CHEERS and continue their festive dancing as Reilly
moves to the bar and sits down next to another BAR PATRON.
The BARTENDER comes up.
BARTENDER
What can I get you gentleman?
BAR PATRON
Ill have a Mickey Finn.
BARTENDER
You got it.
(to Reilly)
And you sir?
REILLY
Looking for Diane.
The bartender starts making the other patrons drink.
BARTENDER
Well, theres a lot of Dianes that
come through here.
REILLY
I heard about Mickey The Mole.
BARTENDER
Oh, that Diane. In the red skirt
playing pool.
The bartender points across the room to DIANE NOBLE, 35, whos
playing a solo game of pool. She knocks the eight ball in a
corner pocket, finishing her game.
REILLY
Right, thanks.
Reilly exits. The bartender hands the other patron his drink.
BARTENDER
There you go. A Mickey Finn.
BAR PATRON
Thanks.
The Patron takes a swig and passes out.
13.
BILLIARD TABLE
Diane leans over the table, racking the balls.
REILLY (O.S.)
Nice rack.
Diane smiles as Reilly approaches the table.
DIANE
Why thank you.
REILLY
You Diane?
DIANE
Whos asking?
REILLY
I am.
DIANE
Oh, well then yes. And you might be?
REILLY
Derick...Derickson. An old friend of
Mickeys. I heard what happened,
thought Id look you up, get your
side of the story.
DIANE
You know, some people are saying he
was nothing but a two-bit mob snitch.
You aint a cop are ya?
REILLY
What makes you think that?
An OLD MAN, sitting at a table behind Reilly, opens up a
newspaper, revealing a large front page picture of Reilly with
the bold headline, POLICE FORCE WELCOMES NEW DETECTIVE.
Diane takes notice but doesnt react.
DIANE
Nothing. So what do you want to know?
REILLY
Whens the last time you saw Mickey
alive?
DIANE
Couple days ago. We went on a date.
14.
REILLY
What did you do?
DIANE
Dinner and a movie.
REILLY
Did he pay for dinner?
DIANE
No. We ate dutch.
REILLY
And whys that?
DIANE
The Chinese place was closed.
REILLY
I see. And the movie?
Diane pauses for a moment and twirls her pool cue.
DIANE
You know, question and answer is a
lot of fun but why dont we make
things a bit more interesting? One
game of pool. If you win, Ill answer
all the questions youve got.
REILLY
And if I lose?
Diane grins.
DIANE
You buy me a drink.
Reilly ponders this for a moment until...
REILLY
Fine, Ill break.
Diane tosses Reilly a cue stick. He misses, it CRASHES into
the tables behind him. Reilly points to another stick.
REILLY (CONTD)
The other one please.
Diane tosses him another and he catches it.
As Diane takes the ball triangle off the table, Reilly rubs a
chalk cube on the tip of his stick, leaving a thick cloud of
dust in the air. Then, with a cough, he lines up his shot.
15.
WHACK! The white ball shoots down the table and collides with
the cluster of balls, scattering them and sending each into a
pocket, finishing with the eight ball.
The table completely cleared, Reilly looks up at Diane.
REILLY (CONTD)
Now...where were we?
EXT. LOUIES BAR MITZVAH AND GRILL - LATER
As the Bar Mitzvah Boy and two other PARTYING JEWS exit,
Reilly catches the door, his cell phone up to his ear.
REILLY
Yeah, its Reilly. Nah, the
girlfriend was a bust. She didnt
know anything.
As Reilly walks, Diane watches from a bar window, smooshing
her face against the glass to see him go down the street.
INT. DON CANNOLIS HIDEOUT - LATER
BRITSO BRATSO drops the newspaper with Reillys front page
picture down onto DON CANNOLIS desk.
BRITSO
Names Richard Reilly. Word on the
street says hes been snooping around
about that snitch OMalley- putting
his nose where it dont belong.
DON CANNOLI
This information troubles me greatly.
I do not like it when outsiders
question the actions of my family.
BRITSO
So what should we...
DON CANNOLI
--Just deal with him. Capeesh?
Across the room, CAPEESH CANNOLI looks up from a comic book.
CAPEESH
Yes Godfather?
DON CANNOLI
Capeesh, I have a little problem for
you. One going by the name of
Detective Richard Reilly.
16.
ACT 2
EXT. POLICE STATION - WEDNESDAY MORNING
Police officers enter and exit the building.
INT. POLICE STATION - FORENSIC LAB - LATER
DR. LARRY MILLER, 28, Asian, sits in the middle of a high tech
laboratory, gazing into a microscope.
His partner, DR. KATSURO YAMAMOTO, 33, Caucasian, busies
himself with organizing DNA samples.
DR. YAMAMOTO
Hows it coming?
DR. MILLER
(looking into microscope)
I think Ive almost got it.
(beat)
Ah! There he is!
DR. YAMAMOTO
Let me see.
Miller moves away and Yamamoto looks into the microscope.
DR. YAMAMOTO (CONTD)
My god man. Youve done it. Youve
finally done it!
Inside the microscope, a magnified image of Waldo stands
amidst one of the large crowd scenes in the Wheres Waldo?
look-and-find books.
DR. MILLER
I knew Id get that striped shirt
wearing, bespectacled bastard.
DR. YAMAMOTO
Just wait till you get to the beach
scene.
A KNOCK at the DOOR.
DR. MILLER
Come in.
Wendy and Reilly enter.
DR. MILLER (CONTD)
Ah, Detective Webb.
17.
WENDY
Morning boys. Like you to meet the
newest member to our family...
DR. MILLER
--Oh, weve heard all about the
famous Detective Reilly.
WENDY
Of course you have. Detective, may I
introduce to you the departments two
best forensic scientists, Doctors
Larry Miller and Katsuro Yamamoto.
Miller offers his hand to Reilly.
DR. MILLER
Its a pleasure.
Reilly puts his hands together and bows at the waist.
REILLY
The same to you Dr. Yamamoto.
DR. MILLER
No. Im...Larry Miller.
Confused, Reilly looks back and forth from the Asian Miller
and the white Yamamoto.
REILLY
(to Yamamoto)
But that would make you...
DR. YAMAMOTO
Katsuro Yamamoto.
REILLY
(to Miller)
But...
WENDY
--Chief said youve got something for
us.
DR. MILLER
Right. When we first went over
OMalleys apartment we found this in
the rubble.
Miller moves over to a table and pulls a charred digital
camera from a plastic tub.
18.
WENDY
His camera.
DR. YAMAMOTO
Exactly. As you can see, its badly
damaged. Completely broken...
DR. MILLER
--But we were able to extract the
photos from its memory and
reconstruct them. We thought you
might want to take a look.
Yamamoto pulls a remote from his pocket and presses a button.
A blurry photo of a store front comes up on a screen in the
front of the room and, as Yamamoto talks, the photos change,
each showing the same store at a different angle.
DR. YAMAMOTO
From the cameras metadata, it seems
OMalley took all these photos the
day he died.
REILLY
But of what?
DR. MILLER
Were not sure. A building of some
kind.
WENDY
Well, whatever it is, he must have
thought it important.
A photo changes on the screen and Reilly holds up his hand.
REILLY
Wait a minute! Go back!
Yamamoto clicks the remote and the screen goes back a photo.
Reilly points to a fuzzy object in the photos background.
REILLY (CONTD)
Can you zoom in on that?
Miller moves to a computer, types a bit, and the screen zooms
in on the object, now even more blurry.
REILLY (CONTD)
Zoom in a little more.
The screen zooms closer on the object, now super distorted.
19.
WENDY
What is it?
REILLY
A pair of street signs I think.
Maximum zoom!
The screen zooms all the way in, oddly producing a crystal
clear image of crossing street signs, one reading LESLIE AVE,
the other NIELSEN ST.
REILLY (CONTD)
There it is.
DR. YAMAMOTO
Well, what do you know.
DR. MILLER
How did we miss that?
WENDY
The four-way stop between Nielsen and
Leslie. I know that crossing.
Reilly and Wendy start for the door.
REILLY
Great! If we hurry, we could catch
the subway and be there in no time.
WENDY
Or we could just take my police car.
REILLY
Fine. Well do it your way but just
this once.
The two exit the room.
EXT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER
From a distance, Capeesh Cannoli watches from his car as
Reilly and Wendy exit the station and get into a police car.
When they drive away, Capeesh starts up his car and follows.
EXT. NIELSEN ST. - LATER
The police car passes the Leslie/Nielsen crossing signs and
parks next to the abandoned building from the picture. A sign,
BREADS-AN-STUFF, is now visible on its front.
Reilly and Wendy get out of the car and stare at the building.
20.
WENDY
Well this is it.
REILLY
Looks like nobodys home.
(looks at sign)
Breads-an-Stuff?
WENDY
An old chain of city bakeries. Most
went bankrupt about a year ago but
some have stuck around. New
management I think.
Reilly and Wendy move to the buildings entrance.
From...
DOWN THE ROAD
...Capeesh pulls up in his car and watches as Reilly puts his
weight against the door, trying to open it.
BUILDING ENTRANCE
REILLY
Its all locked up.
WENDY
Well, now what do we do?
Reilly looks both ways and then holds out his hand.
REILLY
Give me your credit card.
Wendy pulls her card from her purse and hands it to Reilly.
WENDY
Are you sure this will work?
REILLY
Im sure.
AN HOUR LATER
The credit card rests in an old credit card machine and a
LOCKSMITH moves the machine's slider up and back.
He then hands the receipt and credit card back to Reilly.
LOCKSMITH
And heres your receipt. Any time you
need a locksmith, be sure to call us.
21.
REILLY
Oh, I will.
The Locksmith tips his cap and exits to his truck.
Reilly hands the receipt and card to Wendy.
REILLY (CONTD)
You might want to keep that for your
records.
The two head into the...
BUILDINGS LOBBY
...where Wendy notices stacks of boxes around the room.
WENDY
Whats with all the boxes? Storage?
Reilly moves to a stack and picks up its shipping notice.
REILLY
Not accordingly to this. They were
shipped here on the eleventh so...
WENDY
...last Friday. Looks like somebodys
probably moving in.
Wendy opens a box, revealing rolling pins and baking pans.
WENDY (CONTD)
And baking once again.
Reilly moves to the door and flicks the light switch. Nothing.
REILLY
Powers off. Ill get a flashlight.
Reilly exits.
INT. CAPEESHS CAR - CONTINUOUS
As Reilly walks to the squad car, Capeesh starts his vehicle
and pulls a revolver from his pocket.
EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS
Reilly pops the cars trunk and looks in for the flashlight.
Capeeshs car rolls up to Reilly.
Wendy comes out of the building.
22.
WENDY
Having trouble with the flashlight?
Capeesh aims his gun at Reilly.
Wendy see Capeesh.
WENDY (CONTD)
Reilly! Look out!
Reilly looks up to see Capeeshs barrel pointed right at him!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Reilly dives behind his car as bullets whiz by. BANG! BANG!
The squad cars roof lights SHATTER and shower down on Reilly.
Capeesh hits the gas, SQUEALING his tires.
Reilly pulls out his gun and aims from behind his cars hood.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
No shot stops Capeesh as he goes down the road.
Reilly throws his gun to the ground and rushes to the trunk
once again. He reaches in and pulls out a bow and arrow.
He runs to the middle of the road and pulls back on the bow.
SHWOOSH! The arrow cuts threw the air, sticking into Capeeshs
back left tire.
Capeeshs car spins out of control, hits a group of trash
cans, and comes to a stop.
INT. POLICE STATION - OBSERVATION ROOM - LATER
Reilly and Wendy watch Capeesh through a one-way mirror. He
sits at a table in the interrogation room, his arms handcuffed
behind him to the chair.
Captain Kennedy walks up, handing a folder to Wendy.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Its Capeesh Cannoli alright. Finger
prints match perfectly.
WENDY
Well, whos going to talk to him?
REILLY
Let me.
23.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Are you sure youre up to it?
REILLY
Sure Im sure. Ill make him sing.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER
Reilly plays an upright piano as Capeesh watches.
REILLY
(singing as he plays)
In olden days a glimpse of stocking,
was looked on as something shocking,
but heaven knows!
(said)
Sing along!
(singing)
Anything Goes!!!
Capeesh just glares.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - LATER
Reilly walks up to Wendy and Kennedy, shaking his head.
REILLY
Nope. Wouldnt even sing backup and
it was a Cole Porter tune to boot.
WENDY
We should try good cop, bad cop.
REILLY
How about good cop, sexy cop?
Youre the good cop naturally.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Theres no time! The Cannoli family
could be meeting as we speak! We need
information now!
REILLY
Fine! Im just going to have to take
things up a notch.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER
Reilly enters, giving a sly smile to Capeesh.
REILLY
Well, look whos still here.
Capeesh says nothing.
24.
REILLY (CONTD)
What? Not in the mood for
conversation? Well, I wouldnt be
shy. Its just you and me now. See?
Weve stopped recording.
Reilly points to the security camera in the room and Capeesh
looks up to see its red record light go off.
REILLY (CONTD)
Now its play time.
CAPEESH
I want my phone call.
REILLY
Youre going to want your mommy when
Im done with you!
Reilly knocks the table over and kicks Capeeshs seat, sending
him falling to the ground.
REILLY (CONTD)
Wheres the mob deal going down!
CAPEESH
I aint talking!
REILLY
(childish)
Yes you are! Yes you are! You just
did!
CAPEESH
No I didnt! No I didnt!
REILLY
You did so! You did so!
Reilly takes out his gun.
CAPEESH
What are you doing?
REILLY
Were going to play a little game.
Reilly whips open the guns chamber and shakes out all the
bullets, letting one drop in his hand.
He holds up the bullet to the wide-eyed Capeesh, puts it back
in the gun, and spins the chamber, closing it with a CLICK.
25.
REILLY (CONTD)
Now wheres the deal going down?
Capeesh says nothing, although terrified.
REILLY (CONTD)
Alright, if thats how you want to
play it.
Reilly puts the gun to his own head.
CAPEESH
What are you doing!
REILLY
Wheres the deal going down!
CAPEESH
I cant! Theyll kill me!
Reilly pulls the trigger and CLICK!
CAPEESH (CONTD)
No! Stop it!
REILLY
Wheres the deal going down!
Reilly spins the chamber.
CAPEESH
I cant!
Reilly puts the gun back to his own head.
CAPEESH (CONTD)
Okay! Okay! Theyre at 360 Mulhouse
Boulevard! 360 Mulhouse Boulevard!
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Reilly bursts through the door and up to Wendy and Kennedy.
REILLY
Did you get all that?
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Im sending all we got!
(into his walkie-talkie)
Attention! Attention! All cars report
to 360 Mulhouse Boulevard on the
double. I repeat, on the double!
26.
WENDY
You could have gotten yourself
killed.
Reilly opens his shirt sleeve and a bullet falls out.
REILLY
He only thought I put the bullet in
the chamber. The guns empty. See?
Reilly pulls the trigger and it gives a CLICK.
Wendy looks disappointed.
REILLY (CONTD)
What is it?
WENDY
I dont know, I just thought the gun
would go off.
REILLY
Why?
WENDY
Comedic effect, I guess.
Kennedy slaps them both on the shoulder.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Come on! The cars out front!
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT - LATER
Five police cars barrel through traffic, their SIRENS BLAZING.
EXT. 360 MULHOUSE BOULEVARD - LATER
The same police cars come to a stop in front of another
Breads-an-Stuff, this one fully furnished and larger.
Reilly, Wendy, and Kennedy get out of a police car.
WENDY
Its the Breads-an-Stuff main
warehouse.
REILLY
Just as I thought.
INT. BREADS-AN-STUFF WAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Several MOBSTERS load crates of bread into an armored truck.
27.
Don Cannoli and Britso Bratso stand next to DIETRICH HINER,
45, German, who shakes the Dons hand.
HINER
(German accent)
My dear Godfather, it vas a pleasure
doing business vitch you once again.
BRITSO
And the money?
HINER
Ah, yes.
Hiner hands the Don a briefcase as Diane Noble walks up to
Britso, nestling into him.
DIANE
Britso baby. The trucks all loaded.
BRITSO
Good sweetie. Very good.
BAM! The back door bursts open and the room fills with cops!
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
Hands against the wall!
A few of the goons make a run for it but are stopped by cops.
REILLY
Everybody FREEZE!!!
The entire room, both cops and gangsters, stop moving.
Reilly looks around for a second and clears his throat.
REILLY (CONTD)
All right everybody! Unfreeze!
Everyone exhales and relaxes.
REILLY (CONTD)
Are you Don Cannoli?
DON CANNOLI
Whos asking?
REILLY
I am.
DON CANNOLI
Then no.
28.
Britso steps up to Reilly.
BRITSO
Im Mr. Cannolis associate. How can
I help you gentlemen?
REILLY
You all are under arrest for the
murder of Michael OMalley, the
attempted murder of myself, and
illegal trafficking of drugs and
weapons.
BRITSO
Excuse me?
REILLY
Dont play coy with me. Weve got
Capeesh down at the station and hes
gonna spill on all of you.
(notices Diane)
Ah, well if it isnt Ms. Noble. Or is
that even your real name?
BRITSO
Im sorry, I fail to understand how
Mr. Cannolis family relations are
substantial enough proof for an
arrest.
REILLY
Proof? Is that all you need? Fine.
Several days ago, undercover
detective Mike OMalley phoned his
partner and told her everything. We
just werent listening.
(to Wendy)
May I see your phone?
Wendy nods and tosses her phone to Reilly, who presses a few
buttons and holds the phone up.
OMALLEY (V.O.)
(from cell phone speaker)
...just let me say this. Doughs been
changing hands around here and this
Wednesday a deals going down that
will make a lot of bread for a lot of
people...
Reilly closes the phone.
29.
REILLY
A lot of bread for a lot of people.
Id say the Breads-an-Stuff
corporation closed roughly a year ago
and you bought them up, making a new
way to ship your dirty goods.
OMalley figured out the scheme and
had even taken pictures of your
newest bakery, which you planned to
open soon.
Reilly looks over at Diane.
REILLY (CONTD)
But the poor guy trusted Miss. pool
shark over there a bit too much and
didnt realize she was just squeezing
him for what he knew.
BRITSO
This is ludicrous. You say were
trafficking weapons and drugs but, as
you can see, were simply filling a
large bread order this evening. So
tell me Detective, where are all
these illegal goods?
Reilly grins and moves to a tray of bread loaves.
REILLY
Im glad you asked.
Reilly grabs a loaf of bread and snaps it in half. A bag of
cocaine falls out of the loafs hollowed out middle.
Cops GASP and Reilly picks up another loaf, breaking it to
reveal a small revolver inside. He throws it to the table.
REILLY (CONTD)
Just the way momma used to makeem.
Now, putem up!
Britso and his goons dont move. They simply smile and look
behind Reilly and the officers.
BRITSO
No, Detective. I believe its now the
other way around.
Reilly turns to find another group of mobsters, now standing
behind him, with their guns drawn.
They motion to the floor and all the cops put their guns down.
30.
As Reilly sets his gun down, he sees a box of dinner rolls
with the words CAUTION! EXPLOSIVE! marked on the side.
BRITSO (CONTD)
Its a shame well have to burn this
place down to get rid of all your
bodies. But those are the breaks in
the bread business.
Britso pulls his revolver out and COCKS it.
BRITSO (CONTD)
Say good night Detective Reilly.
Reilly grabs a dinner roll out of its box and bites off the
top, throwing it like a grenade at Cannolis goons.
REILLY
Everybody down!
Britso, Diane, and the Don dive under a table as the dinner
roll EXPLODES, sending some goons FLYING IN THE AIR!
A mad frenzy of GUNFIRE breaks out as mobsters and police
shoot back and forth at each other!
Wendy, Reilly, and Kennedy take cover and fire their weapons.
As the fight continues, police gain the upper hand just as
Wendy and Reilly run out of ammo.
WENDY
Im out!
Reilly rushes out into the chaos and grabs two baguettes,
tossing one to Wendy. Wendy points behind Reilly
WENDY (CONTD)
Reilly!!
Reilly turns to see Britso coming towards him!
Reilly rips open his baguette but nothing, its empty!
Britso laughs and aim his pistol at Reilly!
Wendy COCKS her baguette shotgun style and aims at Britso.
BOOM! Bullets rip out of the baguette and hit Britso, sending
him to the floor.
Reilly turns toward Wendy- shocked.
31.
Wendy cocks the baguette again, aiming it at the remaining
mobsters.
WENDY (CONTD)
Anybody else want their suggested
daily serving of whole grain?
The mobsters raise their hands in surrender.
LATER
Police arrest the remaining mobsters as Kennedy SNAPS
HANDCUFFS on Don Cannoli and Wendy does the same to Diane.
CAPTAIN KENNEDY
I guess this is the end for you
Cannoli.
DON CANNOLI
I want to see my lawyer!
Reilly and Barrymore approach the group with Britso, now
wheeled on a stretcher- hurt but not fatally.
REILLY
Captain, why dont you take these
thugs where there are movie shows and
little places to go to where they
never close.
BRITSO
No! Not downtown! Not downtown!
Kennedy, Barrymore and other OFFICERS take the mobsters away.
WENDY
Great work Detective.
REILLY
You werent so bad yourself. Say, Im
going to the office and make sure
these perps get locked up good and
tight for the night. Care to join?
WENDY
I thought you worked alone.
REILLY
I do, but I thought maybe we could
work alone...together. Sound good?
Wendy smiles.
Reilly turns to a table, picks up a pastry, and takes a bite.
32.
REILLY (CONTD)
Yum.
He offers the pastry to Wendy.
REILLY (CONTD)
Baklava?
FREEZE FRAME AND CREDITS.
END OF SHOW
33.