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Dont you envy people who exude confidence? Not to be confused with the
overbearing pride of arrogance which tends to push people away, someone whos self possessed and feels comfortable in their own skin attracts other folk to them like magnets. Everyone wants what they have. How we feel about ourselves greatly influences how we live. Yet many of us feel a lack of confidence due to, for example, poor physical health or a negative life event such as losing our job or getting divorced that pulls the rug out from under us, indeed anything that leaves us feeling like weve lost all control. Or low confidence may be deeply rooted and have its origins in traumatic childhood experiences. Sadly, this can be a vicious circle: people who are insecure dont tend to perform as well and as a result, enjoy fewer successes. In turn this makes them feel even less confident. After all, who wants to hire someone whos hesitant, fumbling and painfully self -effacing? Conversely, an articulate individual who looks you in the eye, converses assuredly and doesnt have a problem admitting their mistakes makes a far better impression. Self -confident people inspire confidence in others: their audience, colleagues, employers, their customers and friends. Indeed, gaining the confidence of the people around them is one of the main reasons a self-confident person succeeds in life. Think about it: if youre self-confident youre more likely to connect and socialise with others. But if youre plagued by self-doubt, youll probably withdraw and keep to yourself. Youre also more likely to overly focus on your perceived deficiencies and avoid chasing that job vacancy or bloke youre interested in because you dont think youre qualified or attractive enough.
If youre self-confident, however, instead of dwelling on what you lack, youre more likely to use that energy to give the possibility of romance, or a new career, your best shot. Moreover, if youre successful, thats great. If not, you dont take it personally but simply move on to the next opportunity. Two main things contribute to self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-respect. Self-efficacy is the measure of the belief in one's own ability to complete tasks and reach goals. Self-respect is an attitude of acceptance of, and approval for, your own character and conduct.
Although genuine self-confidence isnt something you acquire overnight, it is readily achievable just as long as you are focused and determined enough.
Even better, the strategies you use to build a positive self-image such as the 15 you are about to read in our eBook will also improve your chances of success, boosting your confidence even more.
PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION
Have you ever stopped to consider how strange it is that you are often there for your friends in need, providing love and support and encouragement, but when it comes to nurturing and bolstering yourself, you vacate the premises? Or worse, you tell yourself youre a terrible person and that all your difficulties are due to your failings?
Its like youre your own worst enemy. Yet given how hard life is already with its inevitable sorrows and disappointments, doesnt it make far more sense to be your own biggest fan? And again, this doesnt mean endlessly blowing your own trumpet. It just means having your own best interests at heart, being able to support yourself in the same way youd willingly and unhesitatingly support a loved buddy or family member. Indeed, having compassion for yourself is an essential prerequisite to healthy self-confidence. Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop this part of you. One suggestion is you write a compassionate letter to yourself from the perspective of someone whose priority is your happiness and wellbeing. Be sure to validate your feelings and why youre struggling, bearing in mind that everyone battles demons because tis the nature of being human. This will help keep the tone of the letter understanding, accepting and non-judgemental. Or alternatively, write that letter to yourself from an older, wiser, compassionate you envisaging all the while what your compassionate future might look like.
SMILE MORE
This is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. In his facial feedback response theory, Charles Darwin argued that the act of smiling itself actually makes you feel better rather than smiling being merely the result of feeling good. A German study that used fMRI imaging to measure brain activity before and after injecting Botox to suppress smiling muscles confirms this. It showed that facial feedback modifies the neural process of emotional content in the brain in a way that lifts our spirits when you smile hence boosting your confidence in the long run. Read more about the power of smiling here.
SPEAK SLOWLY
How quickly you talk definitely influences the way others perceive you. You know yourself when listening to a person in authority speak, youre more likely to pay attention to what they say if they say it in slow and measured tones. This shows selfpossession and control. Conversely, someone who feels theyre not worth listening to will speak quickly because they dont want to prolong the agony of their listener, even though this compromises the quality of their communication and can make them, ironically, feel worse. Even if you dont feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times (just dont sound unnatural in the process!) It will make you feel more self-assured if only because of the way it affects the person/people youre talking to.
EXERCISE
This is a no brainer. If youre out of shape, you feel insecure, unattractive and less energetic. By not exercising, you also deny yourself that heady hit of endorphins you get whenever you work out. Ive lost count of the number of times Ive finished a combat class at the gym (martial arts to music) and felt like I could conquer the world. So commit to regular exercise. Better still, push yourself to go for a little longer each time. A US study has found that making the extra effort when the ego is weak may strengthen a feeling of control, which leads to selfconfidence.
BE GRATEFUL
Much of the time, at the root of insecurity and under confidence is a feeling of lack. Even though many of us enjoy a quality of life that far surpasses anything even the kings and queens of yesteryear could boast, theres still a sense that we dont have enough money, opportunities, good luck and so forth. Of course, the tendency when you focus too much on what you dont have is to blame yourself and this can be very undermining. Try cultivating feelings of gratitude instead by mentally listing everything in your life you feel grateful for: loving relationships, unique skills, a roof over your head. By acknowledging and appreciating just how fortunate you are, especially compared to the majority of people on the planet, you can combat your feelings of dissatisfaction and inadequacy. You might like to read Toni Powells blog on the subject.
ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS
A major sign of low self-confidence is shrugging off praise or downplaying compliments because you honestly dont believe you have anything special to offer. This is quite different to someone who protests as a fishing for flattery strategy. If you can relate to the first category, train yourself to accept compliments with grace. But dont just leave it there. Think about what the person has said and allow yourself to feel genuinely good about their favourable observations. Start building a mental list of what others appreciate in you and recall that list the next time youre feeling down on yourself.
14 & 15 November 2013 SMC Conference & Function Centre Sydney www.mindanditspotential.com.au