CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN MARRIAGE

By Liliane Nahas, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT

Let’s face it. Every couple in a committed relationship will argue at one point or another. Having
disagreements is a normal part of a relationship. In fact, it can actually bring about greater intimacy if both
couples can overcome these hurdles through dialogue and compromise.

The real challenge is not to let those disagreements turn into conflict gridlock. Understanding what it means
is the first step to unlocking it in your marriage.

Lisa and Bob met after they were recruited to work for a large accounting firm. She was struck by his quick
wit and intelligence, and he couldn’t resist her bright blue eyes. They spent long hours together at work, but
couldn’t wait to see one another for dinner, drinks or weekend getaways.

“I was totally crazy about him,” said Lisa. “We spent long hours talking about our hopes and dreams for the
future, and I knew this was a man that I could spend my life with.”

Married for five years, the couple recently had a son. And like many couples, the stress of two-career
household and childcare issues has this once happy couple far from wedded bliss. Instead of long hours
talking about their future together, Lisa and Bob seem to argue constantly about time spent caring for their
son.

“It’s like the same song, second verse, over and over again,” said Bob. “We keep arguing about the same
issues and nothing ever gets resolved.”

Lisa and Bob are experiencing the same roadblock many couples face – conflict gridlock. As the words imply,
it is the inability to resolve conflict. Couples feel hopelessly stuck and unable to move forward and find a
solution to their problem. They are angry, resentful and frustrated. In fact, every argument finds its way back
to the same issue time and time again. They feel so helpless that they shut down emotionally. These are
“disaster” couples.

In his groundbreaking research studying over 3,000 couples, Dr. John Gottman concluded that the key to
ending gridlock is not to solve the problem. Rather, the key is to move from gridlock to dialogue, becoming a
“master” couple. Dr. Gottman is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction,
involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication.

Gottman-trained therapist Dr. Don Cole says the first step to understanding gridlock, is to first understand its
cause.

“Every couple comes to the relationship with dreams,” said Cole. “It’s the hopes or aspirations of what they
want in their lives. Gridlock occurs when those dreams aren’t being realized or respected.”

Dreams take on many forms. There are the practical dreams of how much money should be saved for a new
home or for retirement. There are dreams involving careers, lifestyle or education. Dreams can also be very
profound. Whatever the dream, it guides an individual’s life and gives purpose and meaning to it.

Lisa and Bob’s distress led them to a therapist who helped them identify their dreams and move from gridlock
to dialogue. In Lisa’s case, her dream was to have a father for her son, a father who would be active in child
rearing, not absent like her own father. Bob wanted to have a wife who would love him unconditionally, and
be there for him in good times and bad. Both couple’s dreams were deeply rooted in their respective
childhoods.

“Some couples are able to identify their dreams very easily,” said Gottman-trained therapist Carrie Cole.
“But others find it very difficult because their dreams are hidden. These couples may need the help of a
professional. Once the root of the dream is discovered, real dialogue can take place, and that is where
unlocking the gridlock begins.”

Breaking down the gridlock isn’t always easy, but there are steps you can take with your partner to stop
shouting and start talking. Here’s how:

1. Make a date. Plan at least one hour of uninterrupted time for you and your partner to talk. Choose a
quiet place with few distractions. Turn off your phone and pager. Hire a babysitter.

2. Talk and Listen. Listen and Talk. This means, allow your partner time to talk. Then, it’s your turn.

3. Be Honest – tell your partner your position and what it means to you. Describe how you feel, what
you want and why it is so important to you. Talk only about your feelings, and your needs using “I” words.

4. Listen with your heart. Listen to your partner the way you would listen to a dear friend. Suspend
judgment, and don’t spend time thinking of comebacks or ways to solve the problem. Just hear what your
partner has to say with compassion and respect. Use questions like, “what do you want?”, or “what do these
things mean to you?”

Couples who are able to communicate on this level, with respect and compassion are well on their way to
becoming “masters”, even if some conflicts are never quite resolved. These perpetual issues may arise
again, so pay attention to them so that it they don’t become another roadblock to your relationship.

No one gets married to fight, and conflicts do occur. But as Dr. Gottman wrote, “acknowledging and
respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your
marriage”.

By Liliane Nahas, M.Ed., LPC, LMFT

Let’s face it. Every couple in a committed relationship will argue at one point or another. Having
disagreements is a normal part of a relationship. In fact, it can actually bring about greater intimacy if both
couples can overcome these hurdles through dialogue and compromise.

The real challenge is not to let those disagreements turn into conflict gridlock. Understanding what it means
is the first step to unlocking it in your marriage.

Lisa and Bob met after they were recruited to work for a large accounting firm. She was struck by his quick
wit and intelligence, and he couldn’t resist her bright blue eyes. They spent long hours together at work, but
couldn’t wait to see one another for dinner, drinks or weekend getaways.

“I was totally crazy about him,” said Lisa. “We spent long hours talking about our hopes and dreams for the
future, and I knew this was a man that I could spend my life with.”

Married for five years, the couple recently had a son. And like many couples, the stress of two-career
household and childcare issues has this once happy couple far from wedded bliss. Instead of long hours
talking about their future together, Lisa and Bob seem to argue constantly about time spent caring for their
son.

“It’s like the same song, second verse, over and over again,” said Bob. “We keep arguing about the same
issues and nothing ever gets resolved.”

Lisa and Bob are experiencing the same roadblock many couples face – conflict gridlock. As the words imply,
it is the inability to resolve conflict. Couples feel hopelessly stuck and unable to move forward and find a
solution to their problem. They are angry, resentful and frustrated. In fact, every argument finds its way back
to the same issue time and time again. They feel so helpless that they shut down emotionally. These are
“disaster” couples.

In his groundbreaking research studying over 3,000 couples, Dr. John Gottman concluded that the key to
ending gridlock is not to solve the problem. Rather, the key is to move from gridlock to dialogue, becoming a
“master” couple. Dr. Gottman is world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction,
involving the study of emotions, physiology, and communication.

Gottman-trained therapist Dr. Don Cole says the first step to understanding gridlock, is to first understand its
cause.

“Every couple comes to the relationship with dreams,” said Cole. “It’s the hopes or aspirations of what they
want in their lives. Gridlock occurs when those dreams aren’t being realized or respected.”

Dreams take on many forms. There are the practical dreams of how much money should be saved for a new
home or for retirement. There are dreams involving careers, lifestyle or education. Dreams can also be very
profound. Whatever the dream, it guides an individual’s life and gives purpose and meaning to it.

Lisa and Bob’s distress led them to a therapist who helped them identify their dreams and move from gridlock
to dialogue. In Lisa’s case, her dream was to have a father for her son, a father who would be active in child
rearing, not absent like her own father. Bob wanted to have a wife who would love him unconditionally, and
be there for him in good times and bad. Both couple’s dreams were deeply rooted in their respective
childhoods.

“Some couples are able to identify their dreams very easily,” said Gottman-trained therapist Carrie Cole.
“But others find it very difficult because their dreams are hidden. These couples may need the help of a
professional. Once the root of the dream is discovered, real dialogue can take place, and that is where
unlocking the gridlock begins.”

Breaking down the gridlock isn’t always easy, but there are steps you can take with your partner to stop
shouting and start talking. Here’s how:
 1. Make a date. Plan at least one hour of uninterrupted time for you and your partner to talk. Choose a
quiet place with few distractions. Turn off your phone and pager. Hire a babysitter.

2. Talk and Listen. Listen and Talk. This means, allow your partner time to talk. Then, it’s your turn.

3. Be Honest – tell your partner your position and what it means to you. Describe how you feel, what
you want and why it is so important to you. Talk only about your feelings, and your needs using “I” words.

4. Listen with your heart. Listen to your partner the way you would listen to a dear friend. Suspend
judgment, and don’t spend time thinking of comebacks or ways to solve the problem. Just hear what your
partner has to say with compassion and respect. Use questions like, “what do you want?”, or “what do these
things mean to you?”

Couples who are able to communicate on this level, with respect and compassion are well on their way to
becoming “masters”, even if some conflicts are never quite resolved. These perpetual issues may arise
again, so pay attention to them so that it they don’t become another roadblock to your relationship.

No one gets married to fight, and conflicts do occur. But as Dr. Gottman wrote, “acknowledging and
respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your
marriage”.