What Are Our Options by Pat Harris LMFT, Contributions by Steve McCrea

What
Are Our
Options?
Letters from the hearts of
a child,
a teenager and
a parent
If you’re a parent.
you can make a difference
A Visual Book by
Pat Harris
Family Therapist
ResolveToHeal.com
With Steve McCrea

“Mr. Mac”
Educator, Video Producer and Small School Advocate
FindASmallSchool.com (954) 646-8246
ISBN13: 978-1-879857-35-3
ISBN: 1-879857-35-9
Copyright 2007 Pat Harris

What Are Our Options? 2
Dedication
This book is dedicated to all the people who mean so

much to us, especially Henry and JK.
To the people who inspired us and to the people who

will read these words, this book is our gift to you.
This book brings you the following phrases:
“Now, listen here…”
“What are our options in this situation?”
“What’s another way to look at that?”
“How can we reframe that?”
…and it all comes back

to reframing, doesn’t it?
3 ResolveToHeal.com
Introduction
Do you sometimes get angry or scared? And then
does someone say something that calms you?
That’s what this book brings you: Calming words.

Letters from the heart. When you wish you could
hear something honest, something soothing,
something to help you forget your problems, turn to
the section called “After the Storm.”
This book also brings you the latest in research

about the brain and some creative pieces that I’ve
used when dealing with anger (with my clients and
with myself). I don’t expect you to monitor five
different TV channels, National Public Radio and
three newspapers. My research staff and I have
compiled what caught our attention over the past
ten years.
This book started when we mentioned to a parent,

“What do you know about the different ways of
learning?” The
parent’s blank look
gave us the insight:
This parent is
overworked and
has no time to
watch TV for
educational
purposes. He’s
too busy raising his
kids.
What would happen to our schools, families,

relationships, communities if 200,000 parents were
5 ResolveToHeal.com
instantly up-to-date with the latest research? What
ways could that information be presented to these
parents? What if these families had access to
calming talks from a family therapist on an audio
CD?
What is the essence of the messages from

scientists? Can we deliver the ideas quickly, so
we don’t waste the time of these busy parents?
That’s the reason behind this book. We want to give you the
basics, with some photos to help get the message across.
I come to this work

with a focus on
options…especially
options away from
violence. There
are many ways to
resolve conflict.
There are many
ways to avoid
bullies and
“cracking”
(negative, “playful”
but harmful jokes that kids tell each other)… Can we resolve
conflict without yelling, shouting, putdowns or exerting force?
The order of the chapters shows progress. We begin with

Elementary School Students and move to Teenagers.
The poem by Tommy Rahill gives us an interlude to Break
the Cycle. Then we look at Managing Anger, which is at
the heart of most of our problems. In the fifth chapter we
look at two types of victims – the targets of bullies and the
bullies themselves. Next we hear words to pick us up “after
the storm.” In the seventh chapter we discuss Ten Ways to
Extend Your Child’s Education. Then we look at the
research that supports much of what appears in this book in
a chapter called Five Things that might help a parent
(new information about the brain)

We close with appendices: A Letter From the Heart, a
list of styles of distorted thinking, a checklist for
improving your child’s writing and a teacher’s call
for more cooperation with family therapists.
To help audio learners, we include an audio CD. I hope you

will tell us what we should include in the next edition. Please
suggest new topics… we’ll put them on our web site at
ResolveToHeal.com.
Pat Harris
Click on “Contact Us” at ResolveToHeal.com
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Family therapist and Life Coach
Frequently Asked Questions about this book
1. What is the organization of the

book? It might be possible to find an order
in these chapters. In fact, they are placed in
chronological order as they were transcribed
from meetings between Steve and Pat. Pat
gave the Anger Management talk in 2004 to
the eighth grade at Downtown Academy in
Fort Lauderdale and the rest of the items were
recorded after Hurricane Wilma (October
7 ResolveToHeal.com
2005). There is a sense of “let’s look at the
storms that we have survived,” then “let’s look
at our anger” before we look at systems
around us that cry out for reform. The later
chapters about schools show Pat’s interest in
reaching students through academic
situations. This work grows from the
foundation of the early chapters where we
acknowledge that “we have options.”
2. What motivated you to put together

this book? Bookmaking is an obsession
with Steve. He looks around for topics that
need capturing. This project, which could
have been called “We Have Options,” is more
than a book: there are DVDs with Pat’s
presentation on anger management, and
audio CDs to capture the soothing voice of
the family therapist. The power of an “audio
letter from the heart of a teenager” means
there are sometimes pointed reminders and
direct “calls to action” in these pages. Since
there are many ways of learning, some people
may prefer to listen to rather than read the
messages. This book is for your reference
and it is hoped that you won’t rush through
it. Take your time, think about the messages,
and remember the adage that many
therapists repeat: Work happens between
sessions, too. Insights often come after we
think about what we said during a
“breakthrough” session with a therapist. The
time and thought you put into these issues
while the book is closed is far more important
than what these pages contain.

3. Why are there pictures of food
throughout the book? Our culture
inundates us with images of processed foods.
Some of the basic goodness of fruit and
vegetables has been lost under glazes and
eye-catching packaging. The photos come
from web sites that post images that are in
the public domain, so we just need to note
that the photos in the back part of the book
come from David Beard and the images in the
front of the book are by Jacci Howard Bear of
desktop.about.com.
Image by JK McCrea
9 ResolveToHeal.com
Table of Contents
Introduction (5)
1 For Elementary School Students (12)
2 For Teenagers (16)
3 Break the Cycle (26)
4 “Does Your Anger Manage You?” (28)
5 Bullies – Taking Care of Just You (36)
6 “After the Storm” (46)

(words to help you get through difficult times)
7 Ten Ways to Extend a Child’s Education (60)
8 Five Things that might help a parent (76)

(Five Useful Things About How Your Child Learns)
9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) (86)
10 ADHD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? (91)
11 A Letter From the Heart (108)
Appendix 1 Check List for Writing a Composition (112)

Appendix 2 Styles of Distorted Thinking (114)
Appendix 3 A List of Audio Letters (116), LASSIE (118),
Prepare for a Good School Year (120), Gratitude (132)
Appendix 4 A Note to principals about Family
Therapists (135)
Appendix 5 Working
With Technology (a
seminar) (140)

Calling all parents
Are you feeling like a broken record when it comes
to dealing with your child or adolescent?
Are you getting the results you want when it comes

to raising your child?
Is your child making the transition from childhood

to adolescence without too much trauma to the rest
of the family?
Are you and your child able to negotiate without

tears and anger?
Do you want to focus on solutions and become an

effective parent?
This book is for you.
11 ResolveToHeal.com
1
For Elementary School
Students and Their Parents
Summary for Parents
Anger doesn’t just “happen.”
Young children can learn to

talk about their anger.
Anger management is for

everyone.
The following text comes from Pat’s CD for elementary

students.
Track ONE
Hello, boys and girls.
What does the word “anger” mean to you?
Do you remember the last time you were angry? What

did you do?
Can you recall the last time you were angry?
We want you to take a few minutes to think about the

last time you were angry and draw a picture.
Pick up a pencil and paper. Or get some colored

markers. Draw a picture of the last time when you

were angry and be sure to put yourself in your picture.
Make a drawing like a picture in a coloring book,
include yourself in the picture.
Take your time.

Be aware of your feelings
Are you having any feelings when you remember this
moment?
Are you feeling angry?
Are you feeling sad?
In the end, are you feeling happy?

What type of feelings are you having?
Write down those words. There are feelings. Then
let’s talk about it.
I haven’t been the only

person getting angry. I
think other people get
angry.
What’s important is that we

learn what we do with the
anger. That’s it! Let’s look
at the pictures!
Track TWO
How can we handle all this
anger?
I wish I knew how to deal
with anger. I’m going to
ask my mommy how she
deals with anger. I’m going
to ask my big sister.
I might even ask my teacher.
What could I do before I hit someone? I might count to

ten using my favorite animals.
I like dogs. One dog, two dogs, three dogs, four dogs,
five dogs, six dogs, seven dogs, eight dogs, nine dogs,
ten dogs.
Sometimes when I get angry at somebody and I count
the number of dogs, I forget why I was angry. I was so
busy counting the dogs.
Yes, I’m going to try it.
I might try counting giraffes or hippos or horses. It

doesn’t have to be animals. Come up with something
on your own. Any animal you like.
We’d love to learn a new way to do this.

When I’m told to do something that I don’t want to do,
sometimes I get mad. I don’t wanna do it.
What can I tell myself to get

this work done?
“It’s okay, go ahead. Do
the homework. It will soon
be finished. The more
time I put it off, the more
time I won’t have to play.
You know I love to play.”
Can you ask for help? Please

ask for help.
Someone will be willing to
help you. Look at what you
did! You asked for help!
Just say, “I don’t understand
this.” It’s okay to ask for
help.
Do you notice? Your face isn’t frowned up. You aren’t

in the corner. You are better in the group. We need
you in the group.
Keep up the good work. You can do it. You’re going

to do great.
Track THREE for Parents

This is for the parent of the Elementary school child.
Help your child get an understanding of anger.

Help your child understand what anger means and
solutions and ways of dealing with anger without
violence.
Listen to your child’s understanding of anger. Always

remember we are looking for additional options.
Violence does not solve problems.

Our intention is to assist you to become a better
teacher.
Teaching is a partnership between parents, teachers

and students
Remember, you are the original teacher.
This CD is part of a series of Audio CDs prepared by

Pat Harris as a way to help parents, students and
teachers deal with anger. For more information,
contact Pat at 954 735 8721
ResolveToHeal.com
2
For Teenagers
Summary for Parents
“Cracking” or teasing = abuse
Teasing and “ragging on”

younger or weaker people are
not “normal” behaviors.
Bullies do these things.
Can we resolve conflict without yelling,

shouting, putdowns or exerting force?
Move over.
What do you mean move over?!

I don't even want to sit next to
you. You smell any way.
Look, you're so fat -- I'd be able

to sit here if you weren't so fat.
What!? I'll bust you in the

nose.

What's happening here? “Cracking.” Some kids think
it’s clever to say negative things about other people.
It’s clever! But cracking leads to fighting.
Cracking is a form of fighting. You say something

about me, I say something about you. You hit me
below the belt. You think that I'm going to sit back
while you shame me in front of my peers, then
everybody else is going to want to crack on me. No.
Cracking is a form of fighting.
It's your fault that I got angry.

You should never have said
anything about my mother. If it
wasn't for you, I wouldn't have
gone off.
Yeah, go ahead, blame me. It's

my fault because your
momma's fat?
Look, it's your fault that I got

angry.
Oh, so I'm supposed to take

responsibility for how you feel
and what you do.
Look, it wasn’t my idea to talk

about my family.
So what's happening? We're talking about
buttons. The buttons that each of us owns.
Who owns these buttons? When someone
shouts at me about my mother or she's
talking to me about how fat I am, who
owns those buttons?
I'm responsible for what I say and what I do. I'm the
owner of the buttons. They are my buttons. Think
about this. At some point I became scared. My
biggest concern is about how people are going to see
me.
What are my peers

going to say?
Who else is going

to pick on me
next?
How will I become

the scapegoat?
Will I become the

talk of the school?
Remember, as a teenager, I'm dealing with peer

pressure. I'm dealing with my own shame about being
embarrassed. It's enough for me to adjust to being a
teenager and being isolated. I think people are looking
at me and I'm wondering what they are saying about
me.
It's time for some intervention. Here's what my mother

did...
I was faced with a situation at school. A kid called my

momma fat. I became angry instantly, and I was angry
all day long. It kept going over and over in my brain:
He called my momma fat! I don't like that. I
just don't like that.
I felt that I had to stand up for my momma.

Until I got home. I said to my mother, "Momma,
he called you fat!" My mother stood and said to
me, "I am fat."

Boy, the light went on. That was when I realized that
my mother was fat. My mother acknowledged the fact
that she was fat. That took the power out of the fight.
I
no longer had the need to defend my mother. My
mother validated me. As I looked at her, even though
she was fat, that didn't stop me from loving her. She is
my mother, regardless of her size. I no longer allowed
other children to push my buttons or to tease me.
They could say what they liked and it made no
impression on me.
I used to act like a

yo-yo, up and
down, up and
down. I used to
react to anything
the other children
would say. But
nowI went
from
reacting to
responding.
I knew that I would no longer allow my peers to take
charge of me. I started to take charge of my emotions
and how I dealt with issues at that age.
I can take the power out of whatever someone might

say.
"Hey, Pat, your momma is so

fat."
"You are right, she is fat. And

it seems like my momma is
getting bigger and bigger
every day."
"Uh, no, you’re supposed to be
cracking with me!"
I have taken the power out of it. I am no longer going

to allow you to have me going off, acting like I'm crazy,
acting like I'm losing it. I'm no longer losing it. Fat is
only a word.
Man, please, can we move on

to something else? I'm no
longer going up and down like
a yo-yo, so don't come back to
me with that.
This student in Curitiba, Brazil, wants to exchange email

messages with students in the USA. Cultural interaction is part of
the LASSIE system (see Appendix 3, page 118) for student
success.

Comment by a teacher:
Pat took the power out of the fight. As a teacher, I
respect courage in my students, when they get that
power, when they find out for themselves that they
don't have to react. Pat learned how to respond.
The Difference between Reacting and

Responding
There's a big difference. Ninety-nine times
out of a hundred, you are reacting to something in the
past. Something happened and you responded to it
the way you responded to something similar a year or
two before. Let me give you an excellent exercise:
Exercise
Think about a time when you were very angry. Allow
yourself to get the same feeling the last time you got
so angry. Get in touch with that feeling.
Go to a past event in your life when you had that same

feeling. Get a vision and see what you see. That's
where the anger is coming from. The anger today is
coming from the past and some event that happened
back then. that was then, this is now. Allow yourself
to come into the moment, deal with what you need to
deal with and recognize that the past is not done with.
if I continue to react to something in the past, then I'm
not done with it. By stepping into the moment, it gives
me another option. I can choose to respond to the
present (to the current situation), not to something
from a past event.
I often say to myself, "I know where that is coming

from." It puts me in charge of that, not it in charge of
me.
Here's another point: we learn to rely on our inner

strengths. I can do this, says the child.
Notice this about your self-talks. We talk to ourselves

more than we talk to anyone else. Notice this angry
self-talk: "I don't know who he is, but he doesn't know
me.
He doesn't know what is going on. I'm not going to
accept his view of who I am. I'm going to show him."
Imagine seeing some of your peers at the bus stop. I

can boost myself to become angrier with my negative

self talk. I've giving myself a mission to go off. Do
you notice it?
What's behind all of this? My fear. How can I change

my self-talk? What can I say to myself to change my
feelings in the moment?
Listen to this positive self-talk: "Phew. This is not

the end of the world. What other options do I have?
How can I do this differently? Do I have to shout at this
person who is saying bad things about me?
What do I need to do for myself right now? how do I

take charge of just me? I sure can't take charge of the
other individual. he's going to say whatever he wants
to say."
If the situation continues to bother me, I can ask

myself, "What other resources do I have? how can I
utilize some of my problem-solving skills? What is the
problem? Whose problem is it? What options do I
have? What could resolve this?"
If I come up with a solution and it doesn't work, I'll try
something else. You know what I'm going to tell
myself? This too shall come to pass. I'm going to
work this out. I'm going to work it out so I don't
have to become violent. Violence does not solve
problems. I will be assertive, not aggressive."
I need to be able to get my needs met. Let me get it

right in the middle between weak and aggressive. I
need to be assertive, I need to verbalize my needs
without blaming the other individual.
I need to take responsibility for what I say and what I

do. My actions can be congruent with what I say.
These are just are few of the interventions that I can
use. It starts with me.
These interventions are a beginning.
From a teacher:
Here's an example of what some of my students have
done.

Hey, Mr. Mac, remember how you told me I should
count to ten before I say anything? It really worked
yesterday. Somebody called me a really bad thing and
I was about to hit him. I thought, What's my option
here? By the time I got through counting to ten, they
had walked away, nobody knew what they had said,
and I didn't have to deal with the situation.
That's an example of an intervention that worked.
A short exercise
Get a piece of paper and some colored pens. Think of
a time when you were really angry. Feel what it was
like to be in that moment. Feel what it was like to have
someone say something to you. Draw that picture.
I'm not an artist, but I know how to make stick figures.
I'm going to draw the other person and me, I'm going
to show where the incident took place, and I'm going
to write down exactly what happened.
As you follow those steps, make sure to get in touch

with those feelings that you are having. Look at those
emotions that surface while you are in the process of
creating the scene. Make sure that in this scene you
include everybody that was involved. Include yourself.
Get in touch with those emotions that you are having.
Take some time out to really get in touch with what is
going on.
Then turn your sheet over and draw a picture of the

happiest moments in your life when you were laughing
out of control.
3
Break the Cycle
Summary for Parents
A poem can get to the heart

of the matter
Can we resolve conflict without yelling,

shouting, putdowns or exerting force?
By Tommy Rahill
Hey, you, break the cycle
Break the cycle

What am I talking about?
Who am I talking to?
I’m talking to the men and women out there who’ll know
what I’m saying.
Your father didn’t treat you well.
He wasn’t there for you.
He was a little rough on you or maybe worse.
It might not have been your father, someone else maybe.
Perhaps it was a neighbor, a friend, a relative, a complete

stranger.

It might have been your mother
Or both parents.
Life’s not always fair.
How many millions of people heard that!
It’s your turn now.
What are you going to do ?
The same &$%*^%?! thing that happened to you?
Break the cycle!
Little hurt boy inside,
Little hurt girl inside

Break the cycle!
Your kids deserve it, your spouse deserves it

You deserve it.
Whatever it is, whoever you are
Break the cycle.
Mentors outside Downtown Academy
4
“Do You Manage Your Anger,
or Does Your Anger Manage
You?”
Summary for Parents
Anger is a tool. It’s a signal.
Can we use the signal or does

the signal “turn us on”?
Can we use anger to resolve

conflict by looking at options?
Perform your understanding: In the spaces below,

you will be asked to select a word or phrase to fill in
the blank.
Does anger ___________ or do you manage

anger?
Segment
Question 1: Does anger __________? Anger 2 Set
a. excite you the ground
b. make you feel alive rules
c. manage you

00:31 I'm going to always ask for what I need. Are
you with me? I'm going to ask for your cooperation.
I'm here to have a good time. Before I leave here
today, if you don't know about your own anger and
your anger cues and what triggers you, you're going
to know that. We're going to talk about taking
charge of the person that you can take charge of.
And that's ________.
I want you all to participate. I'm going to do this

with respect. Everybody's going to be heard
because everybody's got something important to
give. I think I've set the tone for this time together.
Let's get started.
segment ends at 1:44
Question 2: Pat wants you to take charge of ______

a. your mother
b. your friends
c. you
7:40 Segment Anger 3 Boosters

I want you to go to the last time when you were
angry.
Are you with me? We do something, don't we?
Before we get angry, we get hurt. Right?
We have a self talk, don't we? I start telling myself
something
I don't like what she did. She shouldn't have done
that to me. She said this and she knows I don't
appreciate that. I'll show her.
Do you know anything about boosters?

Do you hear how I'm boosting myself? What am I
giving myself permission to do? I give myself
permission to ___________.
Question 3: When I boost myself, I give myself

permission to __________
a. eat sardines.
b. hide
c. let out my anger. I convince myself that I am right
and the other people are wrong.
Is it positive or negative? Everything is negative.

Even though I'm mad, what is behind that mask?
Behind that mask is fear. When I walk around with

a frown, I'm saying, "stay away from me, don't
come near me"
end 10:25
start 10:30 Segment Anger 4 Consequences

All of those are negative self talks.
Watch the difference in what I'm going to do. I'm
going to have a positive self talk with myself.
I have no control over what people say. This

doesn't mean that this is the end of the world. What
other solutions are there?
Notice what I said. Solutions.
I'm looking to ___________ problems. Notice

that when you feel that you don't have an out, you
start to feel that your back is up against the wall.

Question 4: I'm looking to ______ problems.
a. create
b. run away from
c. resolve or fix or solve
What I need to ask is if I fight, what's going to

happen? There are consequences. Can I afford to
deal with those consequences? Most of the time, no.
It's time to use your problem solving skills. I don’t

care where we go.
Remember this: We attack problems, we don't
attack people.
12:14
12:20 Segment Anger 5 Sit Down

"Cracking" is setting me up for a fight.
As soon as you hit me below the belt, as soon as you
push my buttons, then I'm going to react. What did
I not do
I didn't think. Instead of reacting, what do I need
to do?
I can compromise, I can have a positive talk with my
self.
I can think
we're always looking for _________________
Question 5: When I have a positive self-talk, I am
looking for _______________
a. a fight
b. an escape
c. options and solutions
I can tell myself to sit down. I need to take charge

of just me.
start 20:10 Segment Anger 6 Displaced Anger

Let's talk about displaced anger. There's a
possibility that I might be angry before I left home.
I come to school and I bring it with me. You are so
innocent, you don't know what's happening. "What
are you doing, looking at me?"
If I own it, I can learn from it, I can benefit from it.
"I do that!"
If you own it, you can control it.
I need to learn how to control it. I'm not letting out
over everybody else’s
problems.
Question 6
If I own it, I can ______ it.
a. avoid
b. sell Do I want anyone
c. learn from exploding on me? I
don't want it. It feels
like an attack.
It does not have to be about you. You do not own

other people's problems. Doesn't that make sense?
If it's between two young ladies, I don't have to get

in the middle of it.
But how often do we get in the middle?
start 23:55 Anger 7 I Know About Anger

Do you know why I know so much about anger? I
used to be anger, too!
I love managing my anger. I'm forever looking for

solutions. Are you with me? What else can we do?
Notice this about behavior: Whatever you do at

this school, it goes wherever you go. If you have a
problem, you _______________________
Question 7: If you have a problem, Pat Harris* says

that you ______
a. can give it to a friend.
b. can let your mother handle it.
c. can't walk away from it
I'm sad when I hear a parent say, "I'm taking my kid

out of that school, there are too many problems over
there."
If you don't try to solve the problem, it's going to
follow right behind you.
end 25:45
start 26:04 Segment Anger 8 The Hole

The story about the hole
Today I was walking down 3rd avenue, I saw a big
hole in the road. Then I fell in the hole. It's so dark
in here. Finally I got out.
the next day I walked down the same road. I fell in
the hole again. it's so dreary in this hole. I
struggled harder to get out.
The next day I saw the hole and walked around the
hole.
The next day, I ____________________t.
Question 8: In the story, the next day, the person (I)

decided to.... ______
a. dig another hole and fall into it
b. fall in the same hole again (because I missed being
down there)
c. go down a different street and avoid the hole
Sometimes, when the pain becomes so great and I

get sick of it, I'm willing to learn something new.
Ask for help. Instead of struggling and recreating
the same problem. Does everyone understand? It's
okay to ask for help.
Cooperation and working together as a team works.

Let me leave you with a reminder: Manage your
anger.
Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else but

________. It's what you do with it. Get in touch
with rage and where it’s coming from. Thank you.

Question 9
Anger cannot do any harm to anyone else

except...__________
a. your mother
b. your friends
c. you (if it's my anger, the only permanent harm
comes to me. If it's your anger, the permanent harm
comes to you)
For the complete audio recording, contact Pat

Harris. Pat Harris offers seminars and workshops
for teachers, professionals, parents and students
(during school and after school).
To participate in email exchanges with students who are learning

English, write to suzylimab@hotmail.com in Curitiba, Brazil.
5
Bullying: Taking Care of Just

You
A bully is someone who imposes his or her will on
another person.
Let's begin by examining how it gets started.

Let's look at power and control.
Summary for Parents
Bullying = abuse
Teasing and “ragging on”

younger or weaker people are
not “normal” behaviors.
Bullies do these things.
What is emotional abuse? Putting someone down,

making that person feel bad about him or herself.
Calling them names, making her or him think that they
are crazy, playing mind games. Humiliating the
individual or making the person feel guilty. that is all
about emotional abuse.
Does a person have to hit me to abuse me? No. The

emotional abuse eats away at the inner core of my
being.

Look for "Duluth Model" on the Internet.
For an Tom Graves Duluth"
batteredmen.com/duluwomn.htm
eurowrc.org/05.education/education_en/15.edu_en.htm
massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/viol/duluth.htm
Using Isolation (a personal story)

When I was in fifth grade, I was a bully. I didn’t think I
was a bully. I was doing what everyone else was
doing. In our class, there was a girl named Abby. She
wore yellow dresses when everyone else wore other
colors. She had little flowers embroidered on the
dresses. We thought this was silly. On top of that, we
all agreed that she was ugly. She had cooties. Each
one of us, agreed, without discussing it, that we're not
going to play with Abby. We controlled where she
could sit. If she was trying to join us, we made sure
that she wasn't part of the game. We limited her
involvement in our group.
I certainly didn't think that I was a bully. I was just

doing what the other kids were doing. It's taken me 35
years to realize that I was a bully. It helped to
become a teacher to become sensitive to these
isolating behaviors.
Did you ever use threats? "I will bust your eyes out."
Or I'll do something to hurt you. I'll tell you things like,
"Do you need this pen? I'll make sure you won't get it."
I'll even try to make you do things that I wouldn't do.

Sometimes older people use power and control to get
younger people to sell drugs. The younger children
won't be incarcerated and the older people push young
children to commit these crimes because "If you don't
do that, I will do this to you."
We are looking at items behind the Duluth model, part

of a system used in Duluth, Minnesota to deal with
physical violence or abuse against spouses. Some of
the topics include:
Using Intimidation. I call this the "negative

marketing campaign." When there's a marketing
campaign, the new product is introduced with a big
show. Perhaps there is a one-minute commercial and
millions of people see an apple in the logo.
Apple -- That's a funny name for a computer. After the

big ad campaign, the company can reduce the size of
their commercials. After many months, the company
just has to show its logo. A rainbow colored apple
logo makes people think, "Oh, that's a friendly
computer." I know that computer because of the long
advertising campaign.
Rock stars use marketing. They have a big show and

then eventually you just see their name in print and
you can imagine their music. A rock star who wears
just one glove leaves an impression in our minds.
Now, anytime we see a single glove, the rock star's
image comes to mind. We know who that is.
In the same minimal way, bullies build a marketing

campaign. By using intimidation, the bully can make
you afraid just by a look or gesture. The bully just has
to hint that he's carrying a weapon. "You know, I have
a knife in my bag." That's all he has to whisper and
instantly we can see the knife at our throat.
There's this image, the marketing is so powerful, and

the hint can get us using our imagination to get
intimidated. The typical bully is good at exerting
control over victims by continuing a negative
marketing campaign.

We know that once you start a campaign, you must
continue it to maintain the control over the consumer,
to continue to attract them. Just because you are well-
known today doesn't mean you should stop
advertising. The bully continues to advertise through
small looks. "Uh-UH-UH!" his eyebrow says. “Don't
move ahead. I’m first." Or a small flick of his hand
says, "Don't even think of having the last apple. That's
mine."
I'm going to talk about children who are used as

tactics.
When parents separate or get a divorce, the child

becomes the "in-between" or the "go-between" person.
When I go to visit with Daddy, I have to make sure I tell
him something about Mommy or whatever is going on
in that house, because I don't want Daddy to get angry
with me. So I’ll tell him whatever is going on at home."
then when the child returns home, the mother asks
what the child did at the father's house. "Then I tell
her whatever happened over at Daddy's house. Often
this begins the process of me feeling threatened. I
start to feel anxiety and I get upset when my mommy
says that she's never going to let me go over to my
father's house again."
The mother might say, "The only reason he has you go

over to his house is to find out What is going on with
me." How does the child feel when the mother says
this? The child starts to feel guilty. The child doesn't
realize that she's a pawn between her mommy and her
daddy. That's how children get caught in the power
and control process.
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

How many people reading these words can admit that
they have been a bully? Do you minimize what you
did? Do you deny that you were a bully toward
someone? Do you blame on other students the bad
things that were done to your classmate? It's
important that we acknowledge our actions.
Do we minimize? "I hit him only one time."
"I hurt him just a little."
“It was his fault. That's why I hit him.”
“He got too close. if he hadn't come so close to me, I

wouldn't have hit him."
All three forms are a defense of my actions. To deny,

minimize and blame are defenses so I don't have to
take responsibility. If I don't accept what I said and
what I did, then I can't grow from the experience.
Denying, minimizing and blaming keeps me stuck.
They keep me in power and in control. behind this
mask is my fear. I need to feel in power and in control
and when things don't go right, it's your fault.
Using economic abuse

Using privilege
I noticed this power when I was part of the group in
fifth grade. I was in the group, so I had the privilege of
keeping someone out. I had the option of including
Abby in the group. I chose not to use that power
because I might risk being pushed out of the group. I
would be part of the group that likes Abby, that plays
with Abby. So instead of making the choice of not
being a bully, I chose to use my privilege of being
in the group to treat her like a lower person.
I made the decision that Abby can't cut in the line --

she's got to go to the end of the line. I can't do
something nice to help her define her role in the class.
I'm going to make sure that I define her as someone
who is lower. This was a use of my privilege of
position.
This situation shows how weak a bully is. That's the

surprise. There's a weakness in the bully . The bully
maintains his position through a constant marketing
campaign. Part of that campaign is to keep you, the
victim, from getting or keeping a job, from getting a
promotion, from getting attention from the teacher.

"We’re not going to let Abby use the best book, she
has to use the book with torn pages and the worst
cover."
You're really working to make Abby feeling "lesser

than." You want to keep her from being included. This
keeps her isolated and makes her the target. What is
the pay off? Does it make the bully feel important?
Does it make the bully feel included? Does the bully
feel better? I need to put you down so I can feel better.
That's how abuse tends to happen, when people don't

see each other as equals. When we consciously choose
to see you as "lesser than," that's when the judgments
come out. "You shouldn't be part of this." I started to
experience of not being a part of the group. I felt that
someone else is in charge. He's better than I am. I
started to have these feelings and thoughts, making
me sad and isolated. All of this results when power
and control is used….When powerful individuals come
together.
What happens when we remember that we have

options and choices? We can continue to be a bully or
continue to be victimized. It is more important that we
have interventions.
There are two enemies of the bully: strong self esteem

in the victim and information. The more people who
know about what the bully is saying, the more the bully
loses control of the situation. if there is a small
group that he controls, they can know about his
threats and intimidation and how he's isolating the
victim. however, if too many people hear about his
tactics, eventually the group of others see themselves
as potential victims and they speak up. "This is not
right," and they do something to intervene. The
enemy of the bully is information, whether it is video
or a recording or reporting to a teacher that bullying is
happening and the teacher gets involved. Perhaps the
principal gets involved and the parents get involved
and eventually the bully loses control. He has lost
control over who knows the information that he has
spread around. The intervention is non-violent. You
have not reacted with violence to the bully's violence.
You have responded by spreading the information.
Bullies are weak and they aim to keep you down as a

victim. If you suddenly believe that you have the right
to be sitting in that classroom, if you decide that you
have the right to be playing with others, you grab
control. If Abby had come over to any one of us and
said, "I would rally like to sit here because I'm part of
this class." Some of us would have tried to push her
away, but others might have said, Oh, I guess you are
part of the class. Abby's statement would have
weakened our participation as bullies in the group. It
was imperative that we all remind her that she had
cooties so that she would not develop a stronger self-
esteem.
Even in the workplace, we do not have to work in

hostile environments. We can promote safe
environments. We always have options. Many years
ago, parents used to say, "Stand up for yourself. If he
hits you, hit him back." I have not heard of violence
solving problems. Let's continue to look for other
options.
"You can't show that you are weak. You have to defend
yourself." Look where this attitude has taken our
society. Eventually you have to bring a gun to school
to stop the gang. is there any wonder in the wake
of Columbine, schools need to reduce bullying at
school. Yet, where does bullying come from?
it's not learned somewhere else, in the street or at

home. We've seen how to get things done -- we use
power and control. "I'm not hitting anyone" -- no, but
you are abusing them emotionally to control their
behavior. You are isolating.
We have to start with us.
Let's start with respect and affirm the other person.

Let's trust and support. When we come together as a

team, there is a tremendous amount of support. We
were not created to live alone and separate. When we
accept responsibility for what we say and do, we can
communicate openly and honestly.
"When you do x, that hurts my feelings." This

promotes
understanding through
NO: communication. If we
“You are an idiot!” acknowledge each of
our gifts, we can share
NO: these gifts and
“Get out of my way!” strengths. Instead of
separating and dividing
YES: into groups, we can
"When you do x, that hurts work together. We can
my feelings." talk about equality,
fairness and resolutions
YES: to conflict. We accept
“I feel left out when you change and we are
do that.” willing to compromise.
It doesn't always have to
be my way. We can be
in the same room and we can compromise. Steve can
get his needs met and I can get my needs met and we
can accomplish something.
We want parents to display what we expect from our

children. In other words, we need to model what we
expect. this means not saying, "Don't do what I do, do
as I say." That statement goes back to power and
control. We are looking at equality. Children need to
be respected. Children may have solutions for solving
problems. We can come together as a family to
resolve problems. We're talking about change,
moving forward and letting go of the old learned
behavior. "This is the way my dad did it" is not
working for the family.
We're looking at the non-violent opportunities. Where

does bullying come from? It comes from learned
behavior. It starts at home. Let's think of an
example: Road Rage. When we are frustrated drivers,
stuck in traffic and we see someone cut in front of
us, we honk at him. "That makes me so angry!" What
message does this action and these words send to the
people riding with us? We're saying that that bad
driver is a bully and he's pushing himself in front
and I'm not going to get away with that! We respond in
a violent way by honking or chasing him down to write
down his license tag number. We throw up the
famous middle finger.
What does this do in ourselves? We have to think that

there is an option here. That's the central message of
this chapter: taking charge of just you. Take charge
of the only car that you can take charge of. That's the
car you are driving. this means taking charge of you
wherever you go.
There are non-violent opportunities. If you see

someone who is getting away with a smoking tailpipe,
his exhaust is going everywhere, don't get mad. Just
take down his tag number and call an office that
monitors emissions. there's a non-violent way of
responding. It's called building the case. Collect the
information.
in the same way, we can have a non-violent response to

the bully around us. We don’t have to become better
at judo or learn how to do martial arts or figure out
how to get a knife into school so we can threaten back
at the bully and push him away. We can expose the
bully and show his weakness.
There's showing respect. These are parts of the non-

violent domestic abuse project.
Negotiation is a form of non-violent resolution.

Imagine if Abby had said to me, "I know that you think
that I have cooties. However, I have this snack that I
know you like and you have apples that I like, so
maybe we can share snacks."

Being willing to compromise in some way, the victim
can take charge of the situation. If you can't run away
from the situation, think of some way that is non-
threatening to the bully. How about talking and acting
in a way to capture what the bully feels and fears?
This may be difficult to imagine, walking up to a bully
and talking with the person who is threatening you.
however, this is one of the non-violent options
available to you.
We have to think of people who tried to change a

system. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., these people
decided that there was a non-violent way of engaging
with the bullies. Instead of feeling that we are isolated,
we can start inside ourselves. It starts by remembering
that the bully feels inadequate. That's why there is a
negative marketing campaign to make the bully feel
bigger. If the bully tries to exclude you, you can
reverse the situation by including the bully in your
world.
You can respond to bullying by taking charge of just

you.
Search these words on the Internet

The Duluth Model
The Non-Violent Options
More information is available at ResolveToHeal.com.

Please contact us with your suggestions at
talkinternational@yahoo.com.
6
After the Storm
This section comes from Pat’s collection of audio letters
on CD.
We tend to move toward the things that we

dwell upon, so let's think about good
things.
Summary for Parents
“The Storm” = any fight we

survive
The purpose of this letter is to

embrace change.
The hurricane.
It took us away from our main goals. We were stuck on
a detour and now it's time get back on the highway.
And not get back on the highway, doing things that we
used to. No, we have an opportunity to start doing
things with excellence. This is what I recall from my
schooling. One of my teachers told me:
Whatever is true
honorable
just

pure
lovely
of good report
think about these things
In this time of difficulty, when it is so easy to think

about the hurricane. The television is telling us, "We
have to think about this hurricane," let's think about
what is true
honorable
just
pure
lovely
and things of good report
You might want to think about these quotes.
Out of all that we think is bad, there is always good,

because God is in control. With all that has happened,
there has been some good. Just look for the good.
Mother nature does not discriminate. Ride up and
down the streets in your community and see it. There
is no discrimination.
Embracing change during and after the hurricane.

It's easier to embrace change than to fight and resist.
because then you are only fighting against yourself.
Life is about adapting and adjusting. Nothing stays the
same. Some things work for a while and later on they
don't work any more, so you try something new. We
have other options.
What works? What doesn't work? At some point in

our lives we have all had the experience of what
doesn't work. Sometimes we continue to do the same
thing over and over.
Ask yourself this question: What other options do I
have? How can I do this differently? What do I want to
accomplish? How do I speak to my child's heart? Not
to their mind, but to their heart. From my heart to
their heart. I can sure say what doesn't work. A lot of
screaming and repeating the same thing over and over
does not work.
Losing self-control for me as a parent does not work.

Often the child's goal is met because they've gotten
away and they are not accountable for what they have
done. Nor are you in a position to hold me responsible
or accountable. When I'm out of control, there is a lot
of drama that is taking place in my household. In
order for me to stop this, I need to think before I
speak.
When I see children at the schools all the time and they
are cracking, and sometimes we refer to our children
using bad names, that doesn't work. The only thing
that name calling does is to lower my self esteem and
start me to believe. I believe you because it's coming
from you mother, or it's coming from you, father,
because you are a significant other in my life.
Now, let's get to the big picture here. What really

works is you must realize that your children desire to
please you. I cannot do as a child everything that you
want me to do based on how you want me to do it.
Please look at my mistakes as opportunities to learn
and to grow. Please.
It is imperative that you begin to recognize the gifts in

me early on. They are there. My gifts are staring at
you, right in your face. Notice what I do and I do it
very well. Sometimes I've heard parents say, "Oh, stop
so much talking, boy!" But that same boy became a
newscaster.
Recognizing the strengths from within, focus on the

gifts. Reframe the negatives. Who needs those types
of words to remain in the environment? Ask yourself
the big question: Do I want remember this as a

parent? Is this what I want to give out? I don't. Even
after I have had my temper tantrum, I don't feel good
about this. I never felt good when my daughter and I
were having our temper tantrums. Just think about it.
It's like being in the sand and now I have to get up and
brush off all of these little grains of sand off of my
body. It doesn't feel good. when I have gone from the
position of being the parent to being on the same level
as my child and we're fighting with each other -- Forget
it! I'm not going back there. It doesn't work. I've been
there before and I know what's there.
This is about learning.

This is not about my child.
This is about me. I'm the
mentor, I'm the original
teacher. This is what really
works, when I recognize
who I am. From a mother’s
perspective, I carried my
child in the incubator. I
was the incubator, I am the
original teacher. now as
my child grows older, I am
no longer the parent. I
have become a parent-
consultant. I no longer tell
you what to do and how to
do it because the answers
are within you. And I no longer have the fear of you
making mistakes. That's how we learn. Make a choice
and be selective about the choices that you make.
It's okay to experience consequences, positive or

negative ones. I remember when I put my hand on the
fire, on the stove, on that hot burner. I guarantee you,
it worked. I never did it again. I'm not going back
there. No more. That's it, I'm done with that. I am
forever looking for new choices and options.
By the way, don't leave your child outside

of your decision making. "What do you
think about this? Give me your opinion."
There's one brain and then there's another
brain, and another brain, and there's more
options and choices.
It's like when we multiply.

Remember when we first
learned to multiply? I was
surprised when I go to my
five times five table. Oh,
wow, they're getting bigger!
Then I moved to 10 times
10. Ten times one is ten,
Ten times two is twenty, ten
times three is thirty.
You are your child's original

teacher.
The hurricane represents

together and unity. It has
been an eye opening experience to let us know what
we have. The hurricane really lets us know that we
can appreciate the small things. Tomorrow is not
promised to you.
Listen to this. I took no thoughts about my life, for my

father knows what I need before I ask. All is well.
Courage must come from the soul within,

The man must furnish the will to win.
So figure it out for yourself, my lad,
You were born with all the great have had
With your equipment they all began
Get hold of yourself and say "I can."
(a poem by Edgar Guest)
Thank you for focusing on positive thoughts.

We tend to move toward what we think about, so let's
think about good things.

-----------------------------------------
Sources
The good, pure, lovely quote comes from
the letter to Philippians
The “I Can” Poem is by Edgar Guest
The "think about good things" comes from

a fragment often quoted by Jeraldine Saunders.
We include an appendix with examples of recordings

by mentors. We created a web site called
MentorsonVideo.org where we post short videos and
audio messages by mentors. We ask four questions:
Suggested QUESTIONS to answer

1. What did you learn in school that you
still use today? (This answer shows
relevance.)
2. What do you wish you had learned in

school? Additional relevance plus a
suggestion to a teacher to include
something extra in a future lesson.)
3. Name one of your teachers. If you can

name the teacher, then something was
given by that teacher to you. What was it?
Honor that teacher by telling us why you
remember that teacher. (This shows an
important relationship)
4. Tell us about a book. What have you
read in the past ten years that you use
today? (This answer shows continued
learning -- and we are asking you for a
performance about what you took from the
book, a performance of understanding.)
These four elements convey qualities that we find

attractive. If you would like to be a mentor, please
contact us.
Here are some extracts from Mentors On Video
By Clarence McKee
Your life is this, a blank sheet of paper. You are going

to determine what you write on that paper in your life.
Nobody else will. You determine what you will be. It's
very important. No one else will. Remember Jiminy
the Cricket? When you wish upon a star, makes no
difference who you are.... what? Dreams come true.
If I can impress anything on you, other than "You are

the most important person in the world," then it's
"There's nothing more important than dreaming."

I don't mean when you go to sleep dreaming. Do you
have a dream about what you want to do? Where you
want to go? Never stop being a dreamer. Anyone who
got somewhere got there because of a dream. Thomas
Edison, Tiger Woods. Everybody dreams.
You know, you don't have to tell anyone about what

your dreams are. There will always be people who sit
around you and say, "Nah!" Those are the kind of
people you want to stay away from. People who tell
you what you can't do and why you can't do it. Go for
your dreams.
If you shoot for the moon, you might get halfway

there, and that's a long way. Dreams ... anything you
want to do, you can do it. You have time to prepare.
Thinking. Think,
think, think. Don't
be afraid to go off
alone and think.
read about famous
people, read
biographies, and
think about what
you read about.
My
hero is a guy
named Bill Paley,
he founded CBS.
When you read
about famous
people not only to
find out how they
became
successful. You
want to read about
famous people to find out all of the problems they
went through and the disappointments and the
tragedies that they had to overcome to keep going. My
friends, you are going to have times in your life when
you say to yourself, "To heck with this." You are going
to want to give up and say forget it. You are going to
have some rough times. That's part of life.
There's a saying: it's always darkest before the dawn.

The darkest time of the night comes just before
sunrise. You will find in your life, you will look back
and when you thought that things were bad and
horrible, the next day, I cannot get through this day,
the very next day something happens to change your
situation for the better. So
don't get depressed when
you get depressed. It's
natural. Things happen.
A scout is trustworthy, loyal,

helpful, friendly, courteous,
kind, obedient, cheerful,
thrifty, brave, clean and
reverent.
Let's say a few words about

teachers. There are three
categories of people who you
will never forget in your life.
Parents, grandparents and
teachers. These are
people who really care about you. I can recite to you
the names of five teachers that I know to this day and I
thank them for the confidence they instilled in me.
Miss Spence and Miss Mitchell, Coach Wallace.
You might remember some teachers in college, but the

teachers in middle school and high school really care
about you and you will never forget their names, once
you allow them to make an impression and once you
really listen to what they are saying. Go for it.
-- Clarence McKee
Lawyer, entrepreneur

A Mentor for Readers
I guess the thing I remember most about school is that
it gave me the discipline and I think it gave me
structure. Although I didn't always follow all of the
rules, I think the most valuable things I found in school
was my love of reading. I still read a lot, about a book
a week.
School also taught me about how to get along with

people. I served on a lot of committees, I was in a lot
of clubs, I was on stage a lot, I played the piano for the
chorus. School taught me a lot that was valuable in
later years. I have not used algebra much in my life,
despite being in business. The most important thing I
can do is add, subtract, multiply and divide. I can do it
faster than an adding machine, I can do it in my head.
I can estimate how much money I'm going to make
from a project or how much it will cost and I can tell
whether or not the project is effective or whether I'm
going to lost or make money. I can calculate how
much time the project is going to take and conclude
whether or not it is going to be practical. Those are
the things that I do well.
I have to say that I go full steam ahead because I am

passionate about it. I don't do anything just for
money. I do it because I enjoy it.
I've always loved reading. I remember that our teacher

asked our class who had gotten the farthest into the
book and it was me. She asked me to run an errand
for her.
It was quite a privilege in those days to run an errand
for a teacher, so I did and I came back and I finished
before anyone else in the class. I was extremely fast as
a reader. I really enjoy business books and Tom
Clancy books. I'm a how-to book reader and I create
how-to books. I like to put into action when I'm done
with a book three or four things that I've gotten from
the book.
-- Gayle Carlson
Entrepreneur, author
------------------------------------
Additional information about

MentorsonVideo.org
Mentors On Video is a program to allow
"ordinary humans' (non teachers) to visit
middle and high schools on video. You can go
to a "real" school and get videotaped. Or you can ask
for someone to video you. My production company,
McCrea Educational Archives, sells video training
for FCAT preparation, SAT preparation, training for
teachers and "how to read better". All of this training
is placed on DVDs and CDs and there is often an extra
100 or 150 Megabytes on the CD or DVD.

What to do? Put some videos of Mentors on the CD.
Free. Your donation of your time will be returned by
having your voice and/or image shared with dozens of
students.
Students tend to watch a CD if they are told that it is

not required. "Hey, maybe this is the new Pirates of
the Caribbean DVD." Sometimes they are bored,
sometimes they are hooked. The idea of the mentor
isn't to appeal to EVERY students, but rather to hijack
at least one student from the reverie induced by
surfing on the Internet or playing with an Xbox
game.
Why is it important for you to become a

mentor?
Let's start with a "mystery quotation." Who said this?
“Successful schools are built on

the new three Rs: Rigor –
making sure all students are give
a challenging curriculum that
prepares them for college or
work.
Relevance – making sure kids
have courses and projects that
clearly relate to their lives and
their goals. Relationships –
making sure kids have a number
of adults who know them, look
out for them, and push them to
achieve.”
Small Schools
“The three Rs are almost always easier to promote in
smaller schools. The smaller size gives teachers and
staff the chance to create an environment where
students achieve at a higher level and rarely fall
through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are
more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel
safer, and graduate and attend college in higher
numbers.”
Who said mentioned these words in a speech to the

nation's governors in February 2005?
Answer: Bill Gates
=======================
Thomas Friedman points out in his book about "The
World Is Flat" that it is difficult to put up walls to
protect jobs. Instead, Friedman recommends
a) INNOVATION,
b) BETTER EDUCATION
c) Freedom from dependence on oil by
developing alternative fuels (the second
moon shot)
Sure, a moon shot, just like the 1960s. We paid the

taxes and the scientists worked to put twelve people
on the moon. But it's not just scientists during this new
moon shot. Not this time. Innovation takes place
throughout the economy and innovative smart
business practices are needed to support the technical
innovations.

Instead of the rest of us just looking on and watching
the Moon Shots, we non-scientists can:
1. Get involved as mentors in schools
2. Get energized by working as free agents
3. Develop our right brains and see the
bigger picture
4. Work with Bill Gates to get smaller
schools where Rigor, Relevance and
Relationships are developed more
thoroughly than in big schools.
5. Continuing education. As mentioned by
Dan Pink in Free Agent Nation and A
Whole New Mind, we will need to continue
training to get up to speed about what is
coming next.
If you wish to participate, please contact me. Make

your own video using a digital camera or call me and
I'll arrange for someone to video you.
Steve McCrea
954 646 8246 954 OH MUCHO
SteveEnglishTeacher@hotmail.com
MentorsOnVideo.org
7
Ten Ways to Extend Your
Child’s Education
Hello, Reader,
We have found that many parents take quite an interest in Pat

Harris’ message about anger management. Obviously she’s
hitting a chord, ringing a bell and hitting a note with people when
she asks:
“Does anger manage your kids or do your kids
manage their anger?”
Part of her
message is on
a video that is
available on a
CD (you can
view it on a
computer).
The questions
are helpful for
kids. The
audio letters on
her web sites
(www.Pat-
Harris.com),
when listened
to by parents
and child
together, help
to gently raise issues that families often avoid.
Pat Harris, a family thearpist, has a list of ten points to help extend
education – and this booklet is your opportunity to “ask the right
questions” (as Bill Mayer suggests on billmayer.com). Share this
list with a child in your life.
Are you ready to share responsibility for your child’s

education? We’re talking about more than just the
academic schooling of this future adult who is under your
care. Let’s take this journey step by step:

1. What is your child's learning
style? There are many ways of taking in information
and many ways to express what we have learned. The
Internet has several surveys to help you and your child
find out the method(s) your child uses to learn.
Audio: Does your child prefer to hear new information

rather than read it? Can your child hear you once and
“get it” (with your needing to repeat your request)?
Musical: Does your child learn facts more quickly with

rhythm? Most of us learned the alphabet with the
alphabet song.
Internal or Introspective: Does your child prefer to

work alone? Does your child like to write?
Interactive and Social:

Does your child learn by
talking a subject over with
a classmate? Does your
child enjoy working with
a group?
3-D, Visual and

Numerical: Are numbers
easy for your child to
remember? Does your
child remember a phone
number “because it’s easy to see the pattern”? Can your
child draw a three-dimensional figure like a pyramid or
box?
Active: Does your child learn by doing? “Just let me

figure it out myself” without reading the instructions?
ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactive “disorder” is
really a variable attention ability (VAA), since many
students with ADD can stay focused on something that
interests them. Does your child have variable attention?
That’s a gift, too.
2. Does your child have a

library card? Good -- use it. Introduce your
child to the library. Know where to find the references
and the sources of information. You need that library
card number to use the Electronic Library at
flelibrary.org. Do you set an example by visiting the
library and using your library card?
At the Broward Main Library
Many people haven’t been in

a library since graduating
from high school or college.
Not having a college degree
is not a reason to avoid a
library. Peter Jennings, the
news anchor for ABC news
(who recently died from
cancer), never completed college, yet he read voraciously 3
throughout his life. Jennings showed all of us how to
take information from a book and apply it to our daily
lives. In addition to reading widely, he wrote books
“with just a high school diploma.”
Here’s how to demonstrate the power of a library to a

child:
Step 1: I went onto the Internet and looked up Peter

Jennings to find an example of a book that he had
written.

Step 2: I searched for a review of his book and found the
following comments in a web log:
“My family is a great fan of his television program

World News Tonight, and I was honored to receive
his excellent History book (The Century for Young
People), which I enjoyed reading greatly. It is filled
with interesting facts and interviews with people who
have experienced the actual events. It is the
greatest book I have read, and if you know of any
young people, you should
make sure to get the book
for them. “ Adora Svitak
Step 3: I went to the library

and found the book. I didn’t
check it out, but I looked at it
for 30 minutes. Spending time
with a book can be as
important as actually reading
it.
Step 4: I have an “I want to remember this” notebook.

I write important notes in my IWTRT notebook.
You, too, can interact with a library. Adjust your visit to

the learning style of the child. An active learner can be
shown how to look up articles from 50 years ago. What
did the newspaper print on December 7, 1941?
A visual learner needs magazines and things that can be
manipulated and moved. Some libraries have kits for
math that students can use to demonstrate geometry to
themselves.
If your child is a social learner, then visit the library

during a book reading, where other kids are sitting in a
circle listening to one of the many workshops given at
the library (which is more than just a place to store
books).
If your child is a quiet or introverted learner, let your

child select a quiet place to sit with books chosen for an
undisturbed session of “just looking.”
In short, just showing up at the library is just the first

step. You act as a role model for your child in how to
immerse yourself in the resources available at the library.
3. What example do you set for

your child? Do you look at life as a series of
problems or opportunities? Is the glass half-empty or
half-full? Lemons or
lemonade? Show
your child how to
react to a gray day.
Do you have a
Positive Mental
Attitude?
(This includes the

example you set as an

adult, as an uncle, an aunt, a grandparent or as a neighbor
or a person in line at the post office.)
1. Do you ask out loud, “How can I learn from my

situation?” Does the child hear you turn
mountains into anthills? Here’s a suggested
“reframing” or self-talk: Is it really a problem?
Well, it’s just what it is. It’s a situation. It doesn’t
have to consume me.
2. It happened yesterday. All I have is right now,
not yesterday or tomorrow.
3. Could I do anything different today? I sure can.
The choice is mine. To take charge of my
thinking, my situation and my actions.
4. Life is a process. Self-talk: “I am still learning
and growing. My children know that I make
mistakes and I let them make mistakes.” I use
words like “I’m sorry,” and “forgive me.”
5. Excuses are not helpful. Blaming someone else
does not help me. Self-talk:
“A mistake is an
opportunity to learn.”
When we blame someone
else or give excuses, we
miss an opportunity to learn.
6. Give examples of
encouragement. When I
“help” another person
“because he doesn’t know
how to get out of the hole he
dug for himself,” I am
enabling or DISabling the
person. Don’t do anything
for the children that the
children can do for themselves. (Maria Montessori said
that.) Dependency doesn’t promote good self-
esteem.
Here are some samples of “words of encouragement”:
“Try it again.” “How can you do it differently?”
“You’ve got the idea. Keep going.” “What does
that word mean to you?” When a child is stuck and
says “I don’t know how to explain it,” you can say,
“Give me an example.” These words will encourage
a child to “perform her understanding.”
4. Focus on your child's

intentions. Instead of being critical, comment on
the action. If your child surprises you with a toasted
sandwich to welcome you home after work, don’t point
out that the bread is burned. Say, “How thoughtful of
you to prepare something for me. Can you show me
how you did it?” (then you can see what your child did
incorrectly). “The next time, check the setting of the
toaster, but I’m so happy that you thought of me.”

5. Accept the fact that we are
all teachers. Don't blame the school for gasps
that you see in the education of our youth. When was
the last time you volunteered to speak to a class of
middle school students? We are mentors. We can each
participate – and your child will notice that you care
about what happens in the school. Even a patient with a
serious disease takes charge of her condition by asking
questions and looking for the right treatment. If her
relationship with her doctor is not positive, she works to
fix it or she has the right terminate services and get
another doctor. If your relationship with a school isn’t
working, you can fix it or find a school that meets your
child’s needs. For
example, do you
know what Bill
Gates says about
schools today? (It’s
about the 3 Rs and you
as a mentor to bring
relevance and
relationships into
schools.) You can find out at
WhatShouldStudentsLearn.com.
6. Encourage your child to talk

about his or her frustrations.
Validate their feelings. Remember to use the “I”
statement. When your child says that a “former” friend is
a [negative label], ask the child to reframe and make it
personal: “I feel [hurt, isolated, lonely, left out] when my
friend [laughed at me, didn’t invite me to the party,
etc.].”
7. Keep the door open to
communication. But don't force your kids to
talk to you. If you make time to listen, someday your
child will come with a problem. Instead of saying
“Can’t this wait?” or “You waited until NOW to tell me
this?” you can “reframe” or restate the situation:
“Honey, I’m ready to give you my full attention. What’s
on your mind?”
8. Take a time out before you have a

temper tantrum. What’s your anger cue? What is your
method for handling your fear (which is behind the
anger)? Be a model to your child about how to handle
disappointment.
7
9. Expose your
children to
different cultures.
Visit museums and street fairs in
different neighborhoods. It helps
your child to accept differences.
We live in a salad bowl. Show
your child that you are continuing
to learn new things about other
cultures and that your preconceptions are sometimes
inaccurate or lacking information. Another culture is less
threatening when we know the food and art of that
culture.

Are you depending on schools to do the work of
introducing children to other cultures? Have you seen
the pressures on teachers and principals to meet new
academic standards? It’s pretty difficult, so the power is
in your hands. You’re one of the adults in the child’s
life. It’s okay to accept differences. We can learn. We
can discover that red onions and bell peppers taste great
in my salad, but reed onions alone are a bit strong.
When I have them in my salad, they enhance the taste.
Drive into different communities. Look for similarities
and the big question: What do we have in common?
Ask the right questions. There is power in asking the

right questions.
Why do I reject things? Why? Because I haven’t given
myself permission to try something new or to accept the
possibility that there are other ways to do what I do.
There are several roads up to the mountain top, not just
my path. But until I accept that, I don’t’ want to allow
my family to go on any other path – it wouldn’t be safe!
Let’s have a new experience at least once a week. If you
feel scared, embrace the fear and honor the experience.
10. Allow your children to
make decisions. Anytime you do something
for a child that they can do for themselves, you are
disabling your child. This means “allow your child to
make mistakes and
learn from them.” It
would be so much
easier for you to do
something for your
child so your child
doesn’t feel the
embarrassment and
pain of making a
mistake. It is often
more stressful for you to stand back and watch your child
stumble, but your child will learn by doing.
Go to MathForArtists.com for math help
Overcome fear at ResolveToHeal.com
Get a new look at history at WhatDoYaKnow.com
Learn a new way of learning at LookForPatterns.com
Visit Pat-Harris.com for free audio letters
Teach your child how to ask for help. Resources are

available. This is how you get your needs met. If there’s
a situation, there has to be a solution. (Isn’t that a nice
“self talk”?). Teaching problem-solving skills to your
child…and demonstrate how to approach a problem. Let
your child see you confused, talk about your doubts and
then how you “self-talk” yourself into a positive mental
attitude. What is the problem? Whose problem is it?
What options do I have? Allow the child to explore what
works and find out what doesn’t work.
Consequences can be positive or negative.

Life is about choices and decisions (not just about
avoiding risk or struggling to maintain everything “just
the way it was”).

I read, therefore I get more information, therefore I think
and know that things change. Almost nothing remains
the same.
It’s important as a parent

that I focus on the Big
Picture – yes, grades are
important, school is
important, but life skills
are more important. I
need to promote growth
and development instead
of reacting. I am
responding to modeling.
How can I regulate or
take charge of JUST ME?
“I am operating in love or
fear – it’s a choice. I
choose love.”
Conclusion
Eight of these actions are non-academic, but -- surprise! Your
child's grades will improve. Following these guidelines will lead
your child to develop a strong emotional foundation. Your child
will feel good and will have positive self esteem (built over years
of effort).
To find a survey of learning styles on the Internet, search

“learning styles worksheet” or go to
MathForArtists.com and scroll down to Learning
Styles.
Therapists are often observed to be “giving advice.”

A lot of therapy actually comes from asking questions
like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do you
want to change in your thinking?” and “How do you
want to reframe that?” and “How could you do that
differently?”
This booklet is not new information to you. You know it.

That’s why it looks like good advice.

Anger Management: A set of questions for
students and parents
Use this list with the Anger Management 8-minute video
What are your answers to the questions on the video?
1. Does anger manage you or do you manage anger?
2. What do we do with anger?
3. Do we displace anger?
Do we get angry at home and then bring our anger to school?
4. What is your anger cue?

What do you feel on your body when you get angry?
5. What is our “Self Talk”?

What do we tell ourselves?
What did you tell yourself the last time
you got angry?
6. Give an example of a Positive Self

Talk.
7. What’s behind the anger? **
8. What is the source of the fear you are

feeling?
9. What does Pat say in the fifth

minute?
It’s time for ______to t______
c________ of _____.
10. In minute 6: I b________ it ______ to ____
11. What’s the next step? Minute 6:30, we f_____ on a s_____.
12. What happened when Pat “tried” to pick up the stapler?

**Hint: (There’s fear and we try to hide that fear)
In the “More Technology” section, what tips did you discover that
are useful to you? Perform your understanding by calling 954 646
8246
When your child says, “I don’t have any
homework...”
When your child says, “I finished my
homework…”
Visit these web sites:
ResolveToHeal.com and click on “100 Museums”
EXTRA ACTIVITIES
www.LookForPatterns.com (when you are
finished with homework – time for more!)
www.infoplease.com/homework (lots of
categories to explore)
www.thebeehive.org click on “SCHOOL”
in the left hand margin “Homework
Help”
school.discovery.com/students/ Lots of
activities from the Discovery Channel
http://www.factmonster.com/ Big green
screen with many categories
www.BuildingInternationalBridges.com
(to learn about interesting cultures) Get an
email account with a disposable service
like yahoo or hotmail to participate
OTHER LANGUAGES
Spanish.about.com a general web site for learning Spanish
Italian.about.com A general web site for learning Italian
http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/foreignlanguage/ links to other
sites
SCIENCES
http://www.homeworkspot.com/middle/science/ help for Science
homework
http://quizhub.com/quiz/quizhub.cfm Quizhub.com lots of fun and
education
http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html a useful gateway to a variety of
web sites
SOCIAL STUDIES www.History.com (of course!)

www.nationalgeographic.com (for social studies)
www.WhatDoYaKnow.com A site created by a Social Studies teacher in
Palm Beach County.
http://www.bpl.org/kids/socialstudies.htm Boston Public Library’s page
for Kids (fun)
http://www.socialstudies.org/ National Council for Social Studies
www.eduref.org/cgi-bin/res.cgi/Subjects/Social_Studies for teachers.

Did you ever wonder where teachers learned so much?
www.Geographyolympics.com They created a world puzzle.
Lifetime Transitions and Anger Management

www.Pat-Harris.com (audio letters are available for you to download
and hear)
READING Practice reading on these sites.

http://www.ncte.org/middle/topics/content/117565.htm National Council
for Teachers of English has a book list
www.snopes.com Read about urban legends and find the truth.
www.gutenberg.org Over 10,000 books online (FREE)
http://www.refdesk.com/homework.html More Homework Help
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/1333/kids.htm For kids who
love books
http://nancykeane.com/rl/ Book lists to give
you ideas about what to read next!
SEARCH on “reading for middle school”
Middleschoolhub.org a collection of
interesting quizzes Quia.com more
quizzes
MATH
www.algebra.com (for general help with
math)
www.mathForArtists.com (an artistic and
visual way of learning about math) Click
on “challenging problems” for interesting
math exercises.
math.com/ Good pages for review
www.number2.com (for advanced math training)
nctm.org (the National Council for Teachers of Math)
www.RetireThePenny.org A math exercise
Take the Middle School Math Challenge figurethis.org/index40.htm
Test Your Math Skills (requires Shockwave plug-in)

timssonline.cse.ucla.edu/index02.htm
Internet Math Library http://mathforum.org/library/
Math Counts-Math for Middle School http://206.152.229.6/
Franklin Institute-Open Ended Math Problems for Middle School
Students sln.fi.edu/school/math2/index.html
Ask Dr. Math http://forum.swarthmore.edu/dr.math/
Do you have other web sites that you enjoy? Send your suggestions to
mistermath@comcast.net  All of these links are active on
TeachersToTeachers.com.
8
Five Things that might
help a parent
(Five Useful Things About How Your Child
Learns – new information about the brain)
Five Useful Things about the Brain

and How Your Child Learns
This chapter will be divided into sections that will include
some interesting materials. You are invited to read straight
through or to visit pages that you find interesting.
Go ahead, skip around the chapter and read what catches

your eye.
Five Things
1. Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. The
connection between the two sides makes a big difference:
do you have a thick or thin connection? Girls and boys
really do learn differently. Shouldn’t they be taught
differently?
Michael Guerlain and his institute for learning differences…
The Brain Game by Dr. Nancy Snyderman
Do you want to learn something fascinating?
When Lori and Rich Boulware of Kendall Park, N.J., hit the road
recently, their navigational radars were tuned into different
frequencies. Rich used a mental map, while Lori used landmarks to
get around. As the couple tried to get around a tricky area of town,
Rich said, "Turn left on Webster," while Lori said, "You have to
turn before the ice cream cone."
Dr. Helen Fisher, an expert in gender differences, says the

Boulwares are not unusual in their navigational skills. "Women go
from one object to another. … A man will say, go two miles down
the road and then head east. That's very different from saying go
down to the shoe store and take a left at the high stone wall."
--transcribed from the TV broadcast called “The Brain Game”
The program covered the following topics:
a) Young girls talk about

relationships at school. "I
know who was whose best
friend today and who fought
with who and what boy likes
who.” Boys don’t have
much interest in that stuff.
b) What is the reason for the

differences in brain
function? As the program
asks, “Is it our biology or
our culture?” Male brains
have a structure that
transfers information
quickly within each side of
the brain. Boys tend to be
able to throw and catch objects and see objects flip in three
dimensions.
Female brains have more neurons than male brains in the
areas connected to language, judgment and memory. No
wonder female students generally handle information so
effectively!
c) There’s a connection between the two sides of the brain

called the corpus callosum. It’s like a highway in the
female brain and a dirt road in a male brain. This means
that women can manage several kinds of input at the same
time. Many women can speak, listen and write
simultaneously. Men are less able to multitask and are
uncomfortable writing and listening at the same time.
Generally female students will be bored doing one thing at
a time.
d) What do these findings mean for teachers and students? In
the classroom we can expect girls to often do better than
the boys. In high school, however, boys get a second surge
of testosterone and their math and spatial abilities improve.
The Brain Game notes that “boys outscore girls in the math
section of the SAT by 7 percent.”
2. EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more important

than academic achievement.
It is estimated that academics account for about 6 to 10

percent of our success. How well we do in life depends
mostly on other factors, not on the results of a mid-term
test. A large part of our success in life depends on
social skills. (source: Daniel Goleman, Emotional
Intelligence)
REMEDY… here’s how I build emotional intelligence in

myself
a) I listen to advice from people

on tape. Somehow it’s easier
to listen to a stranger tell us
advice than our parents. To
help you, I’ve created a series
of audio letters for you to listen
to in the car.
b) I practice what I learn. I

apply it. Yes, it’s annoying and
boring sometimes, but I use it.
Use it or lose it.
c) I look for options. I know

what I’m comfortable doing. I
look around and I look for other
ways of achieving what I usually want to get done. It’s
surprising how many new people we meet when we stop
doing the same thing the same way…
d) I learn about the fifteen styles of distorted thinking (see

the list in the Appendix). I love to discover a new way that
I’m distorting my view of the world to suit my needs. It’s

amazing how creative I can be! It’s great to be relieved of
the job of trying to figure out everything for everyone else….
Now I just worry about me.
3. Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requires

parents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. (Source:
60 Minutes TV news program). Great idea, isn’t it? What
would be the impact in your school if ten parents in each
classroom visited the school once a month? When was the
last time you volunteered in a classroom?
4. About FCAT: There are at least seven ways of

learning and seven ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there be
more than one way of assessing our children’s growth and
understanding?
Are there other ways to measure understanding?
Listen to Dennis Littky, founder of the Met Center in

Providence, R.I. The Met Center puts students in an
“advisory” for four years.
“Advisory” for most schools

might mean “we have a
guidance department” and “we
help students find possible
careers.” In the Met, the
advisory is the class and the
classroom. The advisory
appears to be the heart of the
program. The advisory system
links one adult to 15 students
and that adult (the “advisor,” but
most of us would call that adult
the “teacher”) builds a three- or four-year relationship
with the student. There are other teachers, but one
advisor guides the student through a mix of subjects. The
students look at issues in the advisory, focusing on
quantitative reasoning (math), empirical evidence (the
scientific process) and communication (language arts).
Confused? I was when I first heard of this system. I

“How can one teacher
thought,
teach all subjects?” That’s the wrong
question. We should be asking, “In my school, how can
a student get a sense of direction when he or she has to
deal with at least 5 different teachers each year, 20
teachers through high school? Where is the common
thread binding all of these subjects in the student?”
One adult
That’s the secret behind the Met.
cares about (focuses on) one
student at a time. I know at least one
school district that claims to teach “one student at a
time.” The Met Center actually practices this.
I have identified five “pillars” of the Met Center:
Five pillars of Big Picture Schools

(as interpreted by a math teacher who visited The Met in Providence, RI, part of
the Big Picture schools association)
1 Multi-year relationships -- The teacher stays with the
same students for three or four years. The teacher teaches
more than one subject. In the case of the Met, a high
school in Providence, RI, the teacher stays with the
students for all four years of high school.
2 The teacher is a facilitator. Teacher = Advisor = “how
can I help you?” The teacher coaches the student to
choose activities to cover skill areas (language skills,
quantitative reasoning, etc.) rather than special subjects,
like trigonometry, algebra or chemistry. One of the
teacher’s prime activities is finding suitable mentors for
the students.
3 Tests are by exhibition. A “stand up” demonstration of
understanding is valued above a written test. The students

take the state’s standardized tests and other written tests,
but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the
product of at least nine weeks of work.
4 Learning through interests – the internships (set up with
the teacher) are selected by the student. Academic learning
is filtered through the student’s interests.
5 “I’m more than a letter in the alphabet.” Evaluations
are made by narratives,
not by a letter grade.
The teacher can afford
time to write two pages
of narrative about each
student during the
grading period because
the teacher has only 15
to 20 students to meet
with over a nine-week period. I observed an advisor who
met with students throughout the class day, asking for
updates on on-going projects. This sort of focus can come
from a narrow focus of one adult on a small group of
students.
Instead of tests, why not look at the “public school system”

and come up with a systemic change? Most of us look at
the child and say, “You need to fit in.” We should be saying,
“Let’s measure you by asking you to perform your
understanding” (a phrase coined by Howard Gardner, the
guru of multiple learning styles).
AGAIN, at the Met Center: Tests are by exhibition. A “stand

up” demonstration of understanding is valued above a written test.
The students take the state’s standardized tests and other written
tests, but the school focuses on the exhibition, which is the product
of at least nine weeks of work.
Why can’t our schools change the focus from a standardized test
to work that looks at each individual student’s progress?
5. Video games: There really is something about what our
mothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll go
blind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year olds
shuts down because the three-dimensions of playing with
objects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3-
D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game.
How can we use technology better? Instead of banning

ipods, how can we train teachers to use ipods? Many
students love to listen to music and short messages can be
inserted between songs.
Summary
Here’s what we’ve learned together…
Five Things
Right and Left: the brain is divided in two parts. The
connection between the two sides makes a big difference:
do you have a thick or thin connection?

REMEDY -- use different styles of communication when
talking with men and women. There’s no simple
difference, but it is often successful to get a man’s full
attention before speaking because he often can focus on
only one thing at a time (while a female brain can often do
several things at once).
PLUS
Girls and boys really do learn differently. Shouldn’t they
be taught differently?
REMEDY If you can teach girls and boys separately,
can that arrangement be explained or supported with
evidence from the class? “I really do better when the boys
aren’t around.” Many boys will disagree, but many girls
participate more in a single gender classroom.
EQ or IQ? Emotional Intelligence is more important than

academic achievement.
REMEDY Make time for social skills. (See the list of
questions at the end of Appendix 4). Just having an A in
school is not reason to say,
“Oh, everything is fine.” Dig
deeper. Set up “what ifs” --
what if Oprah stepped on an
elevator with you. What
would you say? What charity
would you promote? What
would you give her?
Mentors are needed in schools. The Pentagon requires

parents to spend 8 hours a month in a classroom. When
was the last time you volunteered in a classroom?
REMEDY If you can’t visit a classroom, find a video camera
and start talking. Go to www.MentorsOnVideo.com for
guidelines. Or contact Steve and he’ll turn you into one of
his Mentors On Video.
About FCAT: There are at least

seven ways of learning and seven
ways of teaching. Shouldn’t there
be more than one way of
assessing our children’s growth
and understanding?
REMEDY Learn more about
portfolios, work with your principal
to set up a portfolio system and
volunteer to get started and
maintain it. Learn about
“performances of understanding”
and about Dennis Littky’s work.
Get “the big picture.”
www.bigpicture.org
Video games: There really is something about what our

mothers told us. “If you get too close to that TV, you’ll go
blind.” Something inside the head of many 12 year olds
shuts down because the three-dimensions of playing with
objects has been replaced by virtual worlds with simulated 3-
D. We don’t really learn more when we have a video game.
REMEDY Most TV is not educational. Most video games
are not educational. There is no minimum daily requirement
for training the “game” muscles and reaction time.
Simulations can help some students prepare for flight
school, bomb detonation and de-activation, and other
potentially hostile situations. But there are other skills to
build and video gaming takes away from time that could be
spent learning a language. Why not visit a virtual world and
learn about brot (German), pain (French), pan (Spanish) and
pane (Italian)?
There are more topics, more research, and more items

ready for selecting and highlighting. Pat and Steve are
already collecting more topics for you to hear about.
What keeps us going? We are here to help each other and

we want to share what we’ve learned. Yes, we appreciate
new audiences, and it’s nice to be compensated for our
time. Call 954 646 8246 to find out how you can bring our
workshop to your school.
Have you sent an email message to Suzana the English teacher

in Curitiba? suzylimab@hotmail.com
9
It’s the Size of the School
(not the Classroom)
An open letter to parents and other potential mentors
The New Three “R”s
By Steve McCrea, Tutor and Mentor
I’m a tutor for middle school students, so I often get asked: “What
should my child be studying?” “Can you recommend a good web
site to help him get ahead?” “My child has difficulty reading—
can you tutor him?” Parents could
present other questions to a
teacher: “What should parents be
learning?” I would answer, “Did
you catch that important speech
given by Bill Gates?”
In February 2005, Bill Gates

gave a landmark speech at a conference of governors
praising small schools. I missed it, and chances are that
you did, too, because the speech was overwhelmed by the
media’s focus on the Michael Jackson trial and Terri
Schiavo. Here’s the essence of what Gates said:
“Successful schools are built on principles that can

be applied anywhere. These are the new three Rs,
the basic building blocks of better high schools: The
first R is Rigor – making sure all students are given a
challenging curriculum that prepares them for
college or work. The second R is Relevance –
making sure kids have courses and projects that
clearly relate to their lives and their goals. The third

R is Relationships – making sure kids have a number
of adults who know them, look out for them, and push
them to achieve.”
The three Rs
are almost
always easier
to promote in
smaller
schools. The smaller size gives teachers and
staff the chance to create an environment where
students achieve at a higher level and rarely fall
through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are
more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel
safer, and graduate and attend college in higher
numbers.”
Bill Gates
February 26, 2005
National Education Summit on High Schools
The Size of the School

Let’s think of an example of a small school that receives
public money.
The most visible schools in our neighborhoods are often

large. That middle school down the street has 800 or
1,000 students. Most students in the US (over 60
percent) attend high schools that hold more than 1,000
students. The five largest high schools in my city each
have over 1,400 students.
What about charter schools? -- those hybrid entities that

have an agreement with the state (a “charter”) to operate
with fewer of the constraints of a typical public school
(for example, it’s easier to hire and fire teachers and
other staff).
There are scores of complaints about charters:

- "They don't have a football team"
- "They don't have enough students"
- "They have to eat lunch in the classroom."
- "They don't have a media center."
- "The principal of that charter school is from another
country and he doesn't understand kids in the USA."
- "They have to take a bus to get to a playground or
recess area."
- “They are underfunded because they don’t have enough
students, so they don’t have enough money.”
- “They don’t have enough students so my child doesn’t
have enough friends.”
- “They score lower than the public schools in the
standardized tests. I want my kid to be in the big school
where the test scores are higher.”
- "They ..." (go ahead -- add to the list!)
Parents, you can find many reasons to stick with the large
school that your child currently attends. People will give
you many reasons to avoid underfunded and mismanaged
small schools. However, if you agree with Gates, then
join the charter school movement and “vote” for a
smaller school -- where everyone knows your child's
name.
I know of a charter school that needs 130 students to

have enough funds to hire two extra assistants and afford
buses for field trips. The school has just over 90
students. Each student is “worth” about $500 a month or
$5,000 a year in public money (that would otherwise go
to a large public school). With 30 more students, that's
over $150,000 that the charter school could use for
"additional resources."

Would you like your child to attend a school that has
expensive buildings and a cafeteria with four seatings (to
feed 400 students at a time)? Or do you want your child
in a school that has fewer than 400 students (and the
principal knows every student)?
Most parents with students in a large school didn't hear

Mr. Gates and his speech. They currently send their kids
to one of the large schools in the area with over 1000
students. I wonder if those parents would change their
minds if they knew what Bill Gates said....
If you’re looking for a way to have an impact, there’s

nothing more remarkable or effective than the choice of
school. Voting has a chance for changing the outcome of
an election (if you join with 10,000 or so other voters).
Writing a letter to the mayor or attending a city
commission meeting might make a difference, if you and
another five hundred people show up. Volunteering for a
beach clean up might make you feel good about doing
something for your local environment.
However, your child could be one percent of a school.

Your child, your “vote,” could shift funding to a small
school and send a message to the local school district:
Gates is right. We need small schools.
What should happen to larger schools?

The Gates foundation has funded the division of large
schools in New York, L.A. and Chicago into several
smaller schools. Why not apply that same effort in large
schools everywhere? For parents wanting to heed Mr.
Gates’ advice, however, switching to a small school is
immediate. While we petition our school boards to
partition large schools, at least some students can be
placed immediately in smaller learning environments.
In short, a charter school is an affordable way for your
child to get rigor, relevance and relationships in a
small school. To find a charter school in your area, go to
your school district’s web site and look for “Charter.”
In Broward County: BrowardSchools.com and click on

“School Info.” Then select Charters.
In Dade County, dadeschools.net, click on “Schools,”

then “School Information”
and select Charters.
In Palm Beach County,

palmbeach.k12.fl.us, then
click on the “School Info”
button on the horizontal
bar, then click on “Charter
Schools.”
Good searching.
Maybe there’s another way of organizing our schools:

around individuals, not around the facilities.
What tells us how big schools will be? What governs the
size of a school? The size of the cafeteria?
Or the number of names of parents that a typical principal
can remember?

10
ADD – Does It Have to be

a Deficit?
Let’s start with an overview. The Big Picture.
I am a person WITH ADD. ADD is here with me. It is a type

of wiring in my head, but it is not a disease or a negative
condition.
I don’t have ADD. It’s not like I can decide, OK, I’m just not
going to have ADD any more. I have a car and if I try hard, I
can lose the car. The car can be taken away,
It’s not like that. I have choices about my attitude and I don’t
have to lie back and say, “Please take this condition away
from me.” I don’t have to be a victim of ADD.
It’s like being 7 feet tall or 88 pounds. There are certain jobs
in life that a really tall person doesn’t need to do. Crawling
through pipes and working in cramped spaces under a roof
or walking in a submarine – OUCH! Those doors are just
too short for a 7-foot-tall person. And a person who is 4 feet
tall shouldn’t have to work as a basketball player. It just
doesn’t make sense.
So when we think of ADD, we can think of being a person

with a special ability to jump from topic to topic without
feeling nervous. The ADD person can do a lot of different
things in the space of five minutes.
There are dozens of books about ADD and we’re going to

look at two of them. They have terrific titles, these books
have helped us tremendously and we know that you will
enjoy hearing about something from them. The first book is
called “You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?” and the
second book is called “Answers to Distraction.”
So, let’s go through these two books.
Let’s take the first book: It’s a thick book, 450 pages!. Now,
you don’t have to read the entire book to get something
valuable and you can read a part of it deeply to get a lot of
the purpose of the book. Just look at the title:
You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?
I know that my mom called me lazy. She’s a teacher so she

knows it’s not right to call someone stupid – so she never
called me stupid. But sometimes I would overhear her say
things like, “I’m worried about my boy…” Oh, no. Am I
crazy?
This is a terrific title. It tells us that we, the people with ADD,
start with some worries. And this book helps us get into it…
ADD is a brain style. It’s not a disorder, it’s an ADDED

dimension.
Isn’t that cute? ADDed dimension. We can build on this.
Now most people say the ADD has three parts:

Impulsive
Lack of attention
Hyperactive
Why not approach each part with a new focus?

a. If you are not paying attention, maybe you don’t have
a passion for it? It’s not about “Steve is inadequate.”
It’s about a poor fit between my strengths and the
activity.
b. If you are hyperactive, why not get more exercise?
c. Impulsive. Sometimes jumping to a new project can

be your friend. It can help you make a leap that other
people don’t make because they are more
methodical. Look at these professions that need this
ability:
sales
business man, entrepreneur
comedy
acting
writing
teaching
parenting
science and design.
See pages 6-7 by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo
Anything that we humans do can be improved by thinking

outside the box.
We just have to know when is a good time to do this.
The authors put words together that are helpful. One title is
Toxic Mental Debris. The vicious
cycle of shame, perfectionism
and procrastination. Wow. That’s enough
right there. We can see immediately the link between the
three of them. Let’s talk about it.
Shame
I’m going to get it right… I’ll get it REALLY REALLY right.
Later… I’ll get it done…
Then back to shame…
Here’s another tip. Build a foundation

Eating
Sleeping
Focus the mind (some people call it sitting quietly or
“Meditation”)
Exercise and
Play.
If you can balance all of those 5 parts, then you can make a
strong foundation.
If something feels like a mountain, with a big obstacle, treat it

like a mountain.
You can’t run up the mountain in one hour. You need to
pace yourself, walk a little bit of it each hour. So if your
work feels like a mountain, attack it a little at a time the way
you would try to get over a mountain.

Your basic first aid plan for overwhelm
Wow. Here we go.
1. Don’t push through it. Take

a step back. Exercise,
walk, breathe deeply.
2. Check with yourself.
3. Maybe doing something that
is more fun or routine can
help get you in the mood to
do the difficult work. Do an
easy job first. Clean the
kitchen?
4. Check with yourself again…
now are you ready? Do you
feel less overwhelmed?
=======================
The next book is called Answers to Distraction.
There is an expression called “I was driven to distraction by

his shouting.” The noise distracted me. There are Answers
to distraction.
Two key areas in this book jumped out to me.
FIRST
Chapter 13 talks about the genetic foundation of ADD.
Hmm, why is it that there are so many people with ADD in

the USA and so few in Europe and Asia? Here’s an
interesting theory: Imagine our ancestors were living in
France or Japan. Societies in Europe and Asia have long
traditions and many rules to follow. Anyone who wanted to
think outside the box was put in prison or sent to the
colonies where there was more space and fewer
restrictions. It makes sense that the colonies will have more
people who are flexible and don’t’ like rules. The USA is a
very mobile society and many people don’t thrive well in a
society with many rules.
Idaho leads the nation in diagnoses of ADD on a per-capita
basis. “Don’t fence me in” is certainly a motto that many
people live by in that area.
SECOND What are some things to do to handle ADD?

Exercise is a KEY way to balance the brain and help it focus.
Do a little exercise and you will focus better.
This book has a list of 25 tips

for managing ADD in families
(including Focus on the
Positive, tip number 13 of page
304. Family therapists often
say “Can we reframe that?” --
can we put this negative
situation in a positive way?
There’s a list of 50 tips, and tip

number 11 says, “Know
yourself and allow yourself to
find a career that suits you.
Don’t settle for a conventional
career.”
Great idea. It turns out that I have three part time careers:
DVD producer, SAT tutor and English teacher for adults. I
work a little in each direction each week and I keep my focus
in each area.
==============
So what is the bottom line about ADD?
It’s an added dimension and it can be a challenge. But the

different way of “brain wiring” will help us with an interesting
way of life. We’re not crazy, we’re not stupid, we’re not
lazy. We are hard working, smart and bright eyed people. If
you would like to discuss the positive aspects of this
conversation, call us or send us email.

Some More Tips About ADHD or Attention Deficit
We need to talk with an experienced mentor and get some “Tips

about Attention Deficit.” We need mentoring for Attention Deficit
This is an ADD workshop with tips from a survivor.
This is a discussion of ADD or ADHD for children and adults, no

one is excluded.
What is true for you?
Here’s what’s true for me. I was 32 years old when someone
labeled me ADD. I responded by reframing. I have a tremendous
ability to focus when I like a subject, so I have a Variable
Attention Ability, or VAA. The doctor offered me Ritalin and I
took it for two months. Then I heard about the alternatives that
you will hear about here.
This book opens me up to other possibilities.
I wonder if calling a child “ADD” is actually a hate crime. What

if we told a parent that her son is crippled and unable to compete
with the rest of the class?
Is it a hate crime for a teacher to tell another teacher that “John

Doe has ADD”?
Second teacher: “Oh, no!”
First teacher: “You won’t be able to teach your class!”
Second teacher: “His file is HUGE!”
First teacher: “I’m glad he’s not in MY class!”
REMEDY: Can we try some “reframing” here?

How did you hear about ADD?
When did you first hear the words Attention Deficit Disorder?
What did you feel when you hear those words?
It’s a label.
Can we reframe this situation?
What is our attitude when we hear the words “Deficit Disorder”?

Can we create hope? Can we find hope here?
One of the books we looked at is called “ADD, Reality, Myth,

Controversy and Treatment”
Let’s put this in terms that parents can understand.

Parents are overwhelmed.
Let’s REFRAME:
“I have a learning style” or “Your child has a learning difference.”
Many people have ADD and they are embarrassed. They carry
shame. They aren’t looking at the benefits of the different wiring
of the mind.
Let’s think of people who work in professions where it’s okay to

make spelling errors.

Car Sales – someone who generates work and accomplishes goals
with his voice, not by writing.
“The Broadcaster” is a confidant child in second grade who loves

to pretend to be a nightly news reader. He’s a Risk Taker and he is
on the bad side of several of his teachers.
He says about one of his teachers: “She hurt me.”

She singles me out . Even if it is not me, she doesn’t say she is
sorry. She doesn’t model what is expected.
Teachers have a golden opportunity to use a new label for

ADD. When you have a student in your class who has ADD, you
can change the environment by
changing the words and by
talking about the positive
aspects of VAA.
TO BEGINNING TEACHERS:
Why not reframe every
“deficit” that you find with a
child?
Long-Time Teacher: “I’ve

been here too long. I only see
the negatives.”
Why not make space for a

square peg? We need to
integrate the student.
There’s a dark side and a bright side to ADD

LET’S INTERRUPT THE CRAZINESS.
Pat:
I remember that when I was a child. My class was preparing for a
school play. I was worried. A teacher told me, “I know you can
do it.”
The ideal school play is a place where the room is accepting. The
audience gives the feeling that you aren’t being judged, it’s okay to
forget a line.
This CD is about changing our frame of reference.
Here’s an example
Happy Feet, the movie about penguins.
In the story, each penguin has its own song.
The young male sings and the young female is attracted to his
song. Then she sings her song. When the baby penguin is born,
then the baby learns the mom’s and dad’s songs so that the baby
can find them (in case they are separated).
The penguin with happy feet is ADD because he doesn’t fit in with
what is “normal” and he gets a bit distracted. But he also turns out
to be the force that saves the colony (because of his out-of-the-box
behavior).
Let’s ask:
How can this potential be used in this situation to help the
student?
Steve:
TIP FROM A SURVIVOR: I’m lucky because I’m a survivor.
I’m married to someone who accepts the differences and nurtures
me. My ADD is not a liability.
ADD loves laughter, stimulation. The kids in the back of the

room who are not paying attention and who are bored, they create
jokes. They are practicing for their future employment as
comedians and performance artists.

ADD is not a disease – but some people might not feel “at ease.”
ADD is an ability.
Let’s deflate the SAT and deflate the FCAT tests.
Remember that a lot of feelings are not real. Feelings have to deal
with how we change our thoughts. What a man thinketh, so is he.
What tools can we put in place?

The ADD person needs a certain amount of order – but is often too
lazy to create the place. Each item has a special place.
It’s not “clean up your room.” It’s “we need a certain amount of
order and stuff needs to be placed in their right place. Then we can
find the things when we need them.”
One of the delightful symptoms of ADD is the delight that the

person finds in something new. The ADD person can begin the
day with a blank sheet.
Imagine sitting for six hours in a classroom. It’s tough. So why

not rearrange the room, restructure, move the students to a new
room?
A teacher with ADD uses new teaching strategies.

What can I add or change?
What could I do, where can I take the kids?
Run around
A snack
Go for a walk around the building
Here’s another example

Let’s look at the title of these books. Driven to Distraction.
You mean I’m not Lazy, Stupid, or crazy?”
Let’s imagine for a moment what it was like to come up with a title
like that.
What experiences did the authors have before they were inspired to
write under that title?
That’s what makes this book so interesting. We can change the
way we look at the situation, despite what people say about us.
Boy, you are lazy!
Are you stupid? Can’t you read?
Is there something wrong with you? Why can’t you be like the
other children in this room? Why are you running around, why is
your mouth still moving? Why are you so distracted?
That was the environment for those authors. Now they have
REFRAMING.
What can we do? What can we learn from this book?

REMEDY: Let’s be patient.
First, let’s wait before we give a name to something. Don’t label
too quickly.
Let’s get a correct diagnosis. Is there a learning disability? Is

there a learning difference? Does the child need glasses?
Keep in mind that this material is being presented as a workshop as

well as in a book form. Some of these sentences read more easily
if you imagine that you hear them in a workshop.
We need to meet people and establish relationships.
REMEDY: Let’s think of another Remedy:

Build a support system.
What can we do to support the child with ADD?
If you are an adult with ADD, who can be part of your support
system?
Can we laugh about this situation?
Can we use this to our advantage?
If you have control over your time, can you arrange your work so
you work when you are most focused?
There are over 50 ways to improve your control over ADD,

compiled by Dr. Hallowell, the author of Driven to Distraction. He
recommends exercising to stimulate the mind and get the body in
motion…to help the mind “on track.” The effect lasts for several
hours for many people. Some teachers have a trick: send the
ADD students on errands. The student needs a break from seated
class work. It might take two or three minutes for a child to take a

note to a nearby classroom and return with the reply – and that’s
the mini-break that the student needs to get back on task.
REMEDY: Create a way to remind yourself. Yes, you are

different and let’s celebrate the differences. It also means that you
have to wake up earlier or go to bed earlier or make time to
organize, perhaps a schedule that’s different from the other people
in your home. It’s okay.
REMEDY: Ask for help.

When the help doesn’t come, find another source of assistance.
Build a team.
Books tell us that people with ADD tend to have addictions. We

have addictive personalities and we obsess. Well, let’s obsess
positively!
I remember focusing on dinosaurs. I had to learn the name, the

food that they preferred, the height and length of every dinosaur.
What did their Greek names mean?
If you obsess, that’s okay! It’s called getting serious about

something, passionate about something.
REMEDY: Look for stories. ADD people sometimes wander,

but many of us love stories.
Teachers and Parents are constantly worrying: “How will this boy
survive in the real world? How will he remember to arrive on time
with a pen and paper? How will he get through college?”
“How will this child adapt to working 9 to 5? He can barely get to
school on time!”
Well, we are preparing children for the real world and the real
world, according to the Wall Street Journal, is a place of stunning
variety. Yes, there are jobs that require 9 to 5 punctuality. But
“only about 30% of American workers have a standard
workday schedule, 40 hours per week, during the day, Monday
to Friday.” (Wall Street Journal, November 2006).
Let’s look at the big picture: School was organized 200 years ago
to create a work force that could handle the needs of the industrial
era. Conformity and punctuality, working within the corporation
and participating in the top-down decision making, “follow
instructions” and stay between the lines. Schools in the 1950s to
1970s performed this function well, as described by Dan Pink in
his analysis of Left-Brained organizations (order and procedure are
important for the left brain).
In a right-brained society, the artist flourishes. There are

deadlines, hierarchies and procedures, but the big picture is given
more importance. A right-brained organization looks at the
individual and sees if there is a position to fit the person, rather
than expecting the person to conform to the job. Flexible
scheduling, working from home, freelance consulting, and
multiple bosses (matrix job assignments) are all part of the

evolving work environment. Rather than a job, people are
preparing for multiple and simultaneous careers. When there’s a
movie project, freelancers come together for eight to twenty
weeks, working on various stages of the production, and move on
to other projects. This fluid or seasonal work turns people into
from “components of a larger organization” into “free agents,”
cooperating as needed and when possible.
The ADD person will tend to function better in a right-brained

organization or situation. Dan Pink’s clarion call is “the old-style
corporation” or organization is giving way to more freelance work,
creating more opportunities for flexible workers. The ADD person
might fit better in the role of consultant than in the role of office
worker. Seasonal work and short-term projects might be a better
fit with the wiring of the brains of people with ADD. In other
words, the world is shifting to appreciate the gifts of the person
with ADD – so why not adjust our schools?
REMEDY: For students who want and thrive in an ordered

environment that has long lead times and a set structure, don’t
change a thing. Those students are currently doing well in the
defined structure of the typical school.
The alternative that some students enjoy is flexibility. Some

alternative high schools allow students to decide, day to day, what
subjects they will work on. Look at the typical home schooling
calendar. Parents who lead their children through coursework can
often allow the child to follow an interest instead of marking
sequentially through a curriculum. Schools operated by Dennis
Littky, using the Big Picture small-school philosophy, focus on
working with one student at a time. Students have individual
learning plans that operate within the structure of a common lesson
plan for the class. Adequate time for one-on-one time between
teacher and student and long-term relationships make it possible
for the teacher to know well the needs of students. The typical 9th
grader at Littky’s Met Center school in Providence, Rhode Island,
stays with the same teacher for four years and that teacher visits
the student’s house at least once a year. Say that again: the
teacher visits the student’s home. What kind of individual
relationship and guidance can develop from such a situation?
These procedures and remedies will not work for all students and
certainly some students with ADD learn how to function within the
typical big-box school. The person with ADD has choices. That
big high school has a fine reputation, but a small school, perhaps a
charter school or home schooling, might be worth investigating.
The purpose of this chapter and presentation is to remind you that
you have options.
The special wiring of the ADD

brain is in fact a gift. The person
does not like long programs, the
person likes to focus on subjects
that are interesting and then
move on to something else. The
quick-minded agility of the ADD
is well-suited to improvisation,
not the maintenance and
sustaining activities that many
corporations require. The ADD
mind is one of the “whole new
minds” that Daniel Pink writes
about. What can we do to
prepare the ADD mind for “the
real world”? What skills are
needed to act as a free agent and what disciplines are not needed?
Sitting still for 45 minutes might not be a job skill that Robin
Williams or Chris Rock need. Writing about a subject that the
teacher assigns might not be what Wanda Miles or other
comedians needed. They wanted to write about something that
means something to them. Luther Campbell, Ludacris, and other
rap stars compose their own lyrics, with they own spelling systems,
and they problaby scored poorly in school on spelling tests.
Perhaps spelling is not a primary skill for the future where
spellcheckers will be readily available in most situations. The only
skill to be tested is “Did you take time to find a spell checker?”
rather than “do you know how to spell this word?”
We started this presentation with the intent of give some tips to

people with ADD or for teahers and parents who live with young
people who are struggling with this unusual (and valuable) wiring
in the brain. The ADD brain can become despondent or it can
break away from convention and find a refreshing way of looking
at something that is ordinary or usual. Think of any industry that
could benefit from a fresh approach (fashion, technology, food
products, customer service) and we see potential for tapping the
ADD brain. This presentation aimed ot give you some tips and
now we want to add a clarion call for action: stand up to protect

the originality of the ADD mind. At the same time, let’s build
support teams and protections to help the ADD from becoming
isolated, afraid and alone. The person with ADD is not a freak,
but rather a new species to nurture. Let’s show them how to be
less annoying and how to use their creativity to support all of us.
What can teachers, parents and students do to enhance the lives of

children with A D D? … include more flexibility in the schedule.
Only about 30 percent of American workers have a “standard”

workday schedule: 40 hours a week, during the day, Monday to
Friday. …Evenings and some weekends are a growing part of
workers’ schedules. Source: Teresa Rivas, “Atypical Workdays
Becoming Routine,” Wall Street Journal.
11
A Letter From the Heart
From the heart of a teenager

A letter to parents teachers friends and significant others in the life
of a teenager
…From the heart of an adolescent
First of all, you can’t change me. I am who I am. Just me. No
carbon copies.
Treat me with respect -- in other words, treat me the way you want
to be treated. There’s an old saying that I find not to be true:
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but talk doesn’t bother
me.”
This is not my truth – negative talk does bother me. That’s my

reality. Words hurt more than sticks and stones because the words
keep running inside my head.
Mom, dad, teacher, friends of the family -- negative talk, teasing,

cracking, they all create hurt and anger. I put up my walls, shut
down and you wonder why we can’t communicate.
I learned early on how to protect myself from undue pain. The

walls that I refer to are the walls around my heart.
I’ve made an inner vow. I will never, ever let you get close to me.
Why? Because I’m afraid of being hurt again.
I’ve seen what you do to other people, I remember what you did to
me or what other adults did to me.
The walls that I refer are my walls of emotional protection, which

have become my jail.
I feel isolated and ashamed. I’m lonely.

Negative Self Talk
I’ve learned to criticize myself. I am starting to do to myself what
others have done to me. Inside me is this tape recorder in my head.
It keeps going on and on.
I want to learn how to interrupt this process….
I am learning how to press the pause button or finally the stop

button.
When using the computer I hit the delete button. I can learn to do
the same thing with those negative self-talk tapes. When I learn to
release myself, I can release others.
I am free. I don’t have the fear of

being hurt. I don’t need to criticize
or talk down to others.
I tend to hurt others, because I treat

others the way I was treated. But I
can change that. Forgiveness starts
with me. I need to forgive myself
and others that hurt me or caused me
pain.
I am free.
Reply from the Heart of a Parent
My child, I refuse to do to you what was done to me. It is time for

this family to heal.
Enough is enough Break the chain.
I recognize the good in you. Your kindness, your concern for

others.
I use words that can be helpful. I tell you, “Try it again, Take
your time. You will get it.”
I encourage you by asking, “Hey, child, did you think about

another way to do this? Or maybe we can get some help with
this.”
The mind is a computer and I know that you can re-experience

things. You will re-experience like it happened to you yesterday,
and it can be one of your pet peeves.
I hear you saying, “Just let me talk, listen to me. Just listen.” So,
I will listen.

Some Notes From a Family Therapist
Don’t try to fix the teen’s problem. That affects her integrity.
I don’t give clients answers I don’t give clients the solutions, I let
them talk.
Here’s what your teen is saying

How can you help me to learn
problem solving skills.
Let me come up with some
resolutions. Don’t give me
solutions. Just listen.
1. What is the problem?

2. Whose problem is it?
3. What are the options?
Appendix 1
A Check List for Writing

Dear Parents,
Have you been looking for a way to judge your child’s

writing? Here’s a checklist (called a “rubric”) and we’ll see
what happens…. Go ahead, try it … read one of your child’s
essays and apply the checklist. Ask your child to use the
checklist and ask if it helps.
=====================
Rubric Checklist for Essays
A rubric is a set of criteria used by a teacher to evaluate

a paper. What makes a good paper, what makes a paper
that needs more work? What can the student do to
improve the essay?
1. Do pronouns (it, they, he) point to a specific person or

thing? Is it clear?
The dog went to into the cat’s house and ate its food.
My dog saw the dead mouse, sat next to the paper plate and
ate it.
Strunk and White. The little book
http://www.bartleby.com/141/strunk.html
2. Use appropriate examples to develop the point of view.
3. Is there a progression of ideas? Is there enough

support for these ideas?
4. Show critical thinking. Do you show a complex

argument that looks at the issue from more than one
viewpoint?

5. Skillful use of language (it’s important to have the vision
thing.) Is the vocabulary appropriate? (When raising the
internal core temperature of the soft water-flour
amalgamation, it is important to engage adequate insulation
by using a ceramic device.)
6. Is the essay coherent? Is the essay consistent? Is it

organized and focused?
Or is it disjointed and incoherent?
7. Is there variety in the sentence structure? Is the

sentence structure correct?
This situation is something up with which I will not put.
8. Conclusion covers the entire essay

Teachers can point out important words to study
We can’t always teach you a trick to remember those words
ASK YOUR CHILD: I invite you to perform your

understanding of at least one word.
Vicarious = a vicar or a bishop who can’t enjoy a trip to
Tahiti (no money) has a vicarious experience by looking at
videos and by talking with someone who went there.
You can use this “rubric” to check your child’s ever-

improving skills as a writer. If you wish more input, write to
steveenglishteacher@hotmail.com
Appendix 2
Distorted Thinking
The Fifteen Ways that we sometimes use to distort our
thinking…
Fifteen Styles of Distorted Thinking

1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify
them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation.
2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or
bad. You have to be perfect or you're a failure. There is no
middle ground.
3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion
based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something
bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over
again.
4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so you know what
people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In
particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling
toward you.
5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or
hear about a problem and start "what ifs": What if tragedy
strikes? What if it happens to you?
6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or
say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare
yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better
looking, etc.
7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you
see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy or
internal control has you responsible for the pain and
happiness of everyone around you.
8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you
think you know what's fair but other people won't agree with
you.
9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your
pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every
problem or reversal.
10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how

you and other people should act. People who break the rules
anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.
11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel
must be true - automatically. If you feel stupid and boring,
then you must be stupid and boring.
12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will
change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them
enough. You need to change people because your hopes for
happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities
into a negative globa1 judgment.
14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that
your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is
unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate
your rightness.
15. Heavens Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice
and self-denial to payoff, as if there were someone keeping
score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn't come.
Resource: Morgan Edwinson, MS
________________________________________
From Fifty Plus Fitness Association
Box 20230 Stanford, CA 94309
A Non profit 501 (c)(3) Corporation
50plus.org/libraryitems/1_11Fifteen_Styles.htm
Appendix 3
The Audio Letters

Each of these audio letters is three or four minutes long.
After listening to some of the “letters from the heart,” you can
start to imagine what life looks like from another person’s
point of view. I am updating these “letters from the heart”
and some of them are posted on my web site at Pat-
Harris.com. You are invited to contact me to obtain the
letters that I’ve recorded on CD. Why not listen to them and
hear the voices of each heart? Widen your perspective.
A letter from the heart of a teenager
A letter from the heart of …

A teacher
A principal
A bully
A victim of a bully
A lonely student
A popular student
The leader of the pack
The nerd
The class clown
The school receptionist
The school experts
The family therapist
A tutor
A mentor

FAMILY
An aunt
An uncle
A grandmother
A grandfather
A single mother
A single father
An unwed mother
A divorced mother
A divorced father
An older sister
An older brother
A younger sister
A younger brother
An adult without
children
An adult with ADD
A child with ADD
A child who is bipolar
An adult who is
bipolar
A child with a sibling who is disabled
An adult with a child who is disabled
A disabled child
A disabled adult
As you can see, there are hundreds of topics for an audio

letter. There are hundreds of stories from the heart. I have
recorded some of these audio letters for audio CD.
LASSIE
There are five ways to open a door and find success:
LA S S I E
LAnguage +++
School work
Social Skills +++
Inherited abilities, resources and materials
Experience +++
Or you can write Language, Academics, Social Skills,

Inheritance and Experience. If your parents don’t own a
company and if you didn’t do well in school, you still have
three ways to open doors.
The categories marked with “+++” turn out to be more

important than the other two for many people. Money can
be lost and how well you did on the SAT doesn’t matter
much a year after you left high school.
Let’s re-read the “Courage” poem:
Courage comes from the soul within,
The man must furnish the will to win (social

skill).
So figure it out for yourself, my lad,
You were born with all the great have had
With your equipment they all began

Get hold of yourself and say, “I can!” (learn
another language and obtain the needed experience to
succeed).
(Author: Edgar Guest)
I face this problem each week. I get calls from distraught

parents who want me to quickly tutor the child (“help my
child with his homework”) and prepare the child for a test. I
prefer to deal with the cause ("there's one way to learn and
it's my way"), not the symptom (F in the mid-term exam).
How important are each of these components?
Language +++ 15% (get a second language)
Academics 6% (according to Dan Pink)
Social Skills +++ 60%
Inherited abilities, resources and materials 7%
Experience +++ 12% (Success comes from just showing

up!)
Instead of focusing on the 6% of academics, why not focus

on the missing 60% (social skills).
If you can’t find a school where you can apply the ideas
in this book, keep looking… and until you find a small
school, continue to think positively.
=========
A short course in “How to
Prepare for a Fabulous School
Year”
What are some questions that a parent or a student
or a teacher can ask?
How can we improve our schools by asking
questions?
1. Video players and cameras in the classroom
Videos in the classroom can be used to teach and explain and
extend lessons. Video cameras in the classroom allow students to
perform their understanding, to make a record of their grasp of an
issue. Cameras are essential for speedy language learning.
Cameras bring passion into a class for students who “just aren’t
interested” in a subject. “Oh, can I hold the camera?”
Is there a camera ready to catch a teacher when a student wants a
clarification? “Wait, I want to get your answer on a CD.”
2. Magazines and Newspapers

Is there a newspaper in the classroom every day? Do students cut
up and save articles? Do teachers use newspapers that are one
month or two months old?
Do students assemble bulletin boards with newspaper articles?
Do students take time each week to look at the week’s bulletin
board?
Are the bulletin boards photographed so you can look back at 36
weeks of news stories for your year book?

What was happening outside the school during the year?
3. Extra Languages
Are there language signs on every door?
Are other languages celebrated?
Is every teacher learning another language – currently?
Are we all setting an example?
Do we know how to give directions in at least one other language?
Go straight, todo derecho, turn right, doble a la derecha, left,
izquierda, para, stop, seis miles, diez kiLOmetros.
Can we convert to other measurements, are we in the head of other
cultures and nationalities?
Push, pull, empujer, Jale, pousser, puxe, ziehen, what is PULL in
Arabic?
Are videos available to take home to practice that month’s
passionate language?
Does the principal and do the teachers sometimes say words or
phrases in other languages?
Is the news available in other languages for students to study on
video or DVD?
4. Maps and Posters

Does anyone know where Bangalore is?
Are posters from other countries changed at least once a week?
Do students bring in posters that they’ve requested from
embassies?
Do students quiz each other about the main cities of other
countries? “Almost everyone know that New Delhi is the capital
of India, but name five other important cities, where they are
located and what they are famous for.” Bangalore, Mumbai,
Kalkuta, Pondicherry, Ajar. (there are errors there… can you find
the errors?)
5. Discovery Zone
Is there a room where it’s safe to open, unlock, take apart and put
back together stuff and broken objects?
Is there a video camera and video tape or CDs available to record
the discoveries?
Is there a library where we can review past discoveries?
What happens when an egg rots?
Where do the flies come from?
Where does the mold come from?
6. A different way home
Are students encouraged to use their other hand when opening
doors?
Pretend to have a broken hand and write with the other hand.
Can you write upside down?
Can we write notes to each other that are artistic or nice to look at?
For people who don’t like their handwriting, are their typewriters
spaced in every classroom or in hallways so that notes can be
typed?
So what if they are manual typewriters.
Are there colored pens in every corner so everyone can make a
nice looking note if they want to?
7. Anger Management
Does your school have
an anger management
plan?
Does your home have a
plan for managing
anger?
Or does anger manage
you?
Do you have Pat
Harris’ CD about anger
management?
What is Pat’s web site?
Remember the hyphen
-- the little dash!
pat-harris.com
8. Hallways and doors

Do the hallways teach?
Do students help create
the hallways?
What lesson or quotation is on the door? Is it replaced? Does
every door have PUSH and PULL in 8 languages?
9. Media in each classroom. Computers in each classroom

Are there web sites on CD available whenever the Internet is not
available?

10. Emotional Intelligence
Is Emotional IQ valued more than academic IQ?
11. Multiple Intelligences

Ask a teacher, “what is a performance of understanding? I hear
that it’s something that Howard Gardner talks about. Please send
me a note home, maybe to every parent, to describe how you
integrate performances of understanding in your classroom
assessment.”
If the teacher stares at you blankly, say, “a comedian like Robin

Williams was bored in class, he sat in the back and did not do well
on low. Yet he has one of the largest vocabularies of any person
on the planet. How does your grading system rate a young Robin
Williams? If it rewards him for his gifts, then it’s a good grading
system.”
12. Supplies
Are there plenty of paper supplies and pens?
Is it okay to sometimes draw your answer instead of writing
sentences, maybe making a rebus in an artistic way?
If there are multiple ways of learning, are there multiple ways of
teaching?
And multiple ways of assessing or testing the students’
understanding?
Since job interviews are not identical, are your classroom tests
adapted to the student?
13. Technology out of the classroom

Do teachers send home video letters at least once ever six weeks?
To show the parents what the children are learning so the parents
can participate in class, too?
Are parents encouraged to continue to learn, setting an example to
the students?
14. Passion and interest

Is the curriculum flexible enough to include a student’s interests
and passions?
What is your method of detecting passion and then integrating
those passions in the lesson plan?
15. Excitement
Do students enjoy coming to school?
Do they look forward to the next week?
16. Stay in contact with former students
Is there an alumni office?
Can your child find a friend from three years ago?
Can your child register an email address and invite friends to
contact him or her?
Can your child know that 15 years from now that the school will
still be there, will still be keeping records of other students and
teachers?
Is there a commitment through time?
Is the alumni office posted and is there an inviting message on the
web site or poster of the office?
Does the school stay in contact with a student who leaves the
school early or doesn’t finish a grade?
17. Summer camp or a cruise ship

Does the school remind you of summer camp? In a positive way?
Are there adventures each week?
18. Fear of Technology

Do most teachers fear
technology. (What do you
think?)
Most of us have fear of change.
How do we use our fear to find
our “inner expert”?
How can we manage our fear of
technology?
Can you think of five excuses for
avoiding technology?
How will your classroom change
to make technology a center of
your teaching?
This seminar comes with the
guarantee of Three follow-up
visits
One week, one month and 90 days later.
What are your teachers’ excuses for not sending home a video or
not testing some kids with a video camera and a performance of
understanding?

Mr. Mac, you are dreaming.
Mr. Mac, you need to take your medicine.
Mr. Mac, you are unrealistic.
I look forward to expanding this list and I invite your suggestions.
Mr. Mac
mistermath@comcast.net
954 646 8246
Please visit DemocracyBonds.com and write a letter to a politician

about a subject that really makes you glad to be alive, since you are
here to say something about it to someone.
If you are looking for a math mentor, wy not start by hosting a

Math Party? Here are some web pages for math fun:
math.la.asu.edu/~kuang/AppliedMathParty.html
Bryn Mawr College Mathematics Department

www.brynmawr.edu/math/activities/MathParty02.html
Math Party at ScriptSearch.com [ID# 6991]

www.scriptsearch.com/details/6991.html
math party picture - Webshots

community.webshots.com/photo/369506627/369514418cITcMK
Let's Have a Math Party!

glc.k12.ga.us/BuilderV03/LPTools/LPShared/lpdisplay.asp?LPID=11105
G4 - X-Play - Math Party

www.g4tv.com/xplay/episodes/3343/Math_Party.html - Similar pages
Gamingforce Interactive Forums - Math Party!

www.gamingforce.com/forums/ archive/index.php/t-47470.html - 25k –
Math Party Science Party Life in the Oceans...

www.wonderama.org/scienceparty2.htm
www.mathcats.com/grownupcats/ideabankactivities.html
Some links for you to use with your teen.
You can reach all of these links at www.ResolveToHeal.com
(that’s right: just go to my web site and you just have to click to
reach these links).
Academic support
Free FCAT tips and practice: www.newFCAT.com
Visual Learning Methods: www.visualandactive.com
Do you need a challenge?: www.LookForPatterns.com
Gifted Children: www.gifteddevelopment.com
Vocabulary support: www.FreeVocabulary.com
More Advice
Information about the Multiple Ways of Learning (show this
information to the teachers who claim “I taught the lesson and your
child didn’t get it.”)
www.ldpride.net/learningstyles.MI.htm
Emotional Intelligence (65 percent of success in life):

www.6seconds.org
Information about Visual-3-D Learning Style www.visual-

spatial.org
Gifted Children: www.giftedDevelopment.com
Information about
Dyslexia (and other
Learning
Differences LD)
LDpride.net

Invite me to a future PTA
meeting.
Let me engage your members in
a free mini-workshop tailored to
meet your goals.
What “group-building” exercise
do you need?
Sample topics:
• How to help your child find her passion
• Five strategies to help you help your student
with FCAT and SAT.
• How to become a mentor in class (even if you
can’t go to the school) (“Mentors on Video”
program)
• How to safely use the Internet to
find useful educational sites
(including free audio letters from a
family therapist)
Or your special topic (call me to
develop a special program for your
group)
Pat Harris, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Free Audio Letters on the Internet: Pat-Harris.com
News item:
Student, 9, phones in false
gun report to 911
Anger
Fear
Shock
“My child would never
do that!”
Oh? Have you ever told a lie? What circumstances
“caused you” to make the lie? What distorted
thinking in your mind allowed you to be false? If it
happened to you, could it happen to your child?

1. The brain’s area of judgment is not fully formed until
after age 17.
2. Even then, people say, “I don’t know what I was
thinking.”
3. Some force in this child moved him to creatively come
up with this method of “making things happen.”
4. What can we do to teacher kids to listen to the “editor”
and the “controller” inside us?
5. What can we do to engage the passion of children so that
they use their energy for “the good”? In this case, is the
boy bored? Did he want a distraction because he hadn’t
studied for a test?
6. Beyond consequences:
Can we all learn from yes, the boy needs a
this episode? punishment to remind him
of this moment. What is in
How can we grow his future? Can the boy
beyond consequences? who cried “wolf” have a
new challenge? Use the
What is the next telephone to create school
lesson? How can we spirit? Double turn-out at
train our children to the next PTA meeting? He
listen to their wants to learn how to make
consciences? things happen. What
challenges can his teachers
Can we teach through give him so that he directs
our own mistakes? his imagination to
Can we teach through something positive for him
love, not fear? and his community?
Workshops by
Resolve To
Heal
The “Five Pack” about
Anger Management
1. Anger Management for Teens 25
minutes
2. A Talk with Parents about Anger
Management 25 minutes
3. Follow-up with Teens 25 minutes
4. Follow-up with Parents 25 minutes
5. For Teachers: Suggestions on how to
use the “Pat Harris” CD and web site
20 minutes

This package of five seminars is supported by videotapes for
review and for people who couldn’t participate in the workshops.
The program supports a school’s efforts to

accomplish the goals of the School Improvement
Plan. Schools under pressure to perform often need a
therapeutic “consensus-building” exercise – and this
workshop series offers your organization a three-
sided approach: students, parents and teachers each
receive the central message: Does Anger Manage
You or Do You Manage Your Anger?
The “Five Pack” Includes:
The Pat Harris CD (20 copies, with a license to allow the school to
make a copy for each student and teacher)
One Videotape copy of the workshops
(DVD $10 extra)
10 copies of “7 Tips for Parents and Students”
Bonus: The “More Technology” CD series of 4 CDs is included,
with Mr. Mac’s “Visual and Active Test Preparation” videos on
CD and “Words for MP3” (digital vocabulary building for your
students who listen to mp3 players like the iPod).
Other topics
Trauma
Talk to the Single Parent
Positive Self-Talks
Anti-Bullying
“Stuck in the Middle” – a guide for parents of adolescents
A Letter From the Heart of a Teenager (to Parents, Guardians,
Teachers and other Significant Adults in the life of an adolescent)
A Letter to Adolescents
Grades or Gratitude?
What are the doors that lead to success? What skills do we learn
that open those doors? Most teachers and many parents point to
“staying in school.” But just completing a
school curriculum doesn’t guarantee success.
How many graduates say, “I’m still looking for
my purpose in life”?
According to Daniel Goleman, author of

“Emotional Intelligence,” academics play a
smaller role than most people claim. His book documents the
importance of social skills (EQ) over the influence of IQ. It’s not
what you know or your capacity to learn, but rather how you
motivate others and your attitude toward the challenges that
present themselves. Having great test scores means little if you
can’t live the aphorism, “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s
all small stuff.”
When asked what they look for in an employee, employers often

mention competence, training and technical skills (often not
“ability to work with others”), yet employees get promoted based
on their ability to work on a team.
Many parents believe that “doing well in school” is the single most
important factor to a child’s success. But what does it mean to do
well? Students who score well on tests don’t always have the
social skills that employers are looking for.
Standardized tests might open doors, but social skills like

answering telephones with a clear voice and looking people in the
eye are necessary for keeping a job.
Dan Pink in A Whole New Mind asks “how much influence do test
scores have on a person’s achievements in life?” His argument is
that there are other skills in a global economy that are far more
important than how well you do in a class ranking. Few employers
will ask for your grade point average or SAT score, but most will
be interested in seeing how you handle yourself in an interview.

What are the doors to success?
L anguage: Knowing a second of third language opens doors in the global
market, let’s say 10 to 15%.
Academics: 6%
Social Skills 65%
Inherited contacts or money can open doors, too, perhaps as much as 10%.
Experience gained from volunteering or through intern positions can be more
important than any skill learned in school, perhaps as much as 20% (Woody
Allen claimed that 80% of success is just showing up, indicating a mixture of
social skills and just plain work experience)
The acronym LASSIE is helpful in this discussion. We

can argue about the percentages. In some societies,
inherited opportunities and connections open access to
some jobs. But the argument here is to look at the long
term: What skills are needed to thrive in a career?
Daniel Goleman points to social skills – your academics
and your uncle’s influence might have won you the
appointment, but how did you perform as a member of
the team? Having a second language and whatever
experience you brought to the job also helped – but the
most critical skill involves your Emotional Intelligence.
Using LASSIE as a framework for discussion, we can

spread the responsibility for failure over other possible
causes, not just “I’m dumb” or “I don’t take tests very
well” or “I’m just not talented.” We can’t do much about
what we inherit (about 4% of the total) and how we did
in school last year (the past can’t be changed), but 84 to
90% of the doors of opportunity can stand open to us.
With a bit of effort, we can learn another language,
improve social skills, and gain experience just by
exerting enthusiasm and curiosity. Perhaps the future is
not etched in stone, perhaps we can see another path to
achieve a goal and pursue a passion besides through
schooling.
Let’s begin with three questions
a) What is your purpose for being at your school? Why are
you here?
b) How can you help the school this year? How can you be an
asset to the school?
c) What can you do to have a successful school year? What is
your action plan?
Notice the content of these

questions. The first asks for
the passion. What can the
school do for you? The
second question looks to
social skills and asks the
student to think about being
part of a team. The third
question combines the two previous questions in a plan of action.
Goethe is said to have written, “Do it now. There is boldness
and magic in action.” By asking our students to participate
actively in their education, instead of just showing up, we ask them
to turn school time into a zone of growth and exploration.
How can we care more for another person? How can we

improve our social skills? What’s more important:
Getting good grades or knowing when and how to show gratitude?

Appendix 4
A Note to Principals about

Family Therapists
I wrote this piece in September 2005 to encourage my
principal to engage the services of Pat Harris, family
therapists have a place in the classroom and near the
school. When kids are angry or afraid, they aren’t
ready to learn. I’m not a social worker, I’m a teacher,
a presenter and a facilitator. It makes sense to say,
“Please give these children what they need so I can get
to work making the learning easy for them.”
Here is my pitch to principals everywhere: Engage the

services of a family therapist!
What can Parents and

Teachers to do help kids
manage anger?
By Steve McCrea
Middle school teacher
Anger is on the rise. Road rage, violence in schools

and “going postal” have become part of everyday life
in the USA. Anger management classes are popping
up in offices and other workplaces. Now, anger
management in the classroom.
I’ve worked as a tutor for ten years, working one-on-

one with students outside schools. Last year I
decided to move into the classroom and that a
shock!
I was spending a lot of time developing fabulous
lesson plans, but the teaching wasn’t getting
through. Why?
The big block I found when I began teaching

seventh grade was anger, resentment, and negative
attitudes. I was nonplussed. Other teachers told
me, “Hey, if they’re angry at home, they’ll be angry
in class. Just live with it. Put the whole class on
Saturday Detention if you have to.”
Rising tensions
The level of tension in the school rose to such a
height that my principal was grateful when a family
therapist, Pat Harris, volunteered to come to our
school to give a free twenty-minute workshop about
anger management.
I’m sure that when she walked in that classroom,

she could feel the tension. The principal was even in
there, waiting to hear what Pat was going to say.
The result was terrific. For the next two weeks, kids
weren’t so angry. They heard Pat’s message:
behind anger is fear. This message helped for
about two weeks and then kids started expressing
their anger started again, more openly. That’s when
I realized I needed Pat again.
We all know that change takes time and that’s why

patients set up weekly meetings with therapists. It
takes time to make changes. So I wondered, “How
can I have instant access to a family therapist’s
advice?”
When I saw Pat Harris in action, when I heard her

voice, I put myself in the place of my students and I
wanted to know, “How can I get Pat whenever I
need her calming voice?” We’re in this age of
technology, so why not put a family therapist on the
Internet? If Pat is willing, I told myself, let’s put
Pat’s voice on the web.
Free advice online

She had to agree to give away her advice on the
Internet. As a teacher, I had to agree that having
great lessons and a stimulating classroom aren’t
enough for students to move ahead. We each had to
admit that we needed each other.
Lawyers do pro bono work, so why shouldn’t family

therapists? We all know that teachers go beyond
the call of duty, so these audio letters on the
Internet are part of Pat’s way of helping out. As a
teacher, I’m lucky to have Pat’s words on demand. I
can download them and VOILA, here are five of
Pat’s letters and words on audio CD. That’s 25
minutes of Pat Harris on a CD, ready for a parent
and child to listen together.
Pat makes it clear, these audio letters are not a

substitute for therapy. These audio letters are just
one way for parents, teachers and students to start
talking about what’s behind the anger.
I plan to use them in my classroom, playing one

letter a week for the first month of school. I’ll ask
students through that week to talk about their
reaction to Pat’s message for that week. Then the
students carry that CD home and I hope they’ll
listen with their parents.
Look for the fear

The main message is “Look at what’s behind the
anger.” The bully or the kid who doesn’t want to do

homework, there’s some fear behind that bad
attitude.
There’s real power behind that observation: behind

the anger is fear. Now I know better how to work
with the anger that kids bring into my classrooms.
I used to put kids on internal suspension. I got into
too many shouting matches. Thanks to these audio
letters, as a teacher I have an extra way to help kids
and parents start resolving their issues so that I can
start teaching.
For example, one of the letters is a poem

called “Break the Cycle.” Pat reads it
like a letter. I like this poem because it’s a
neutral ground to start the discussion. The speaker
can be a parent or a child or even a teacher. A child
who is part of the cycle could be a bully and take out
anger and pain on other kids. The speaker could be
a teacher who is going to treat these students the
way he was mistreated. They all can break the
cycle. I feel so lucky to have these tools available
for parents and students. I feel that schools can be
more than just places for book learning.
Pat tells me that she’s delighted that more people

will be exposed to these letters and poems. We all
have seen the transformation that takes place when
people listen deeply to words that are meaningful to
themselves.
Don’t walk away

We’ve been trained to stay away from angry
people. When we can look behind the anger, we
can find the fear that makes this person angry.
Putting these materials on a web site is just a start.
Not everyone can get to the web and not everyone
will hear about this web site. Pat Harris and I want
to offer these letters on a CD. Any money that is
left over goes into giving away more of these CDs.
Here’s an activity for any school:
Ask students to answer these three questions.

1. What is your purpose for being in this
school? Why are you here?
2. How can you help the school this year? How
can you be an asset to this school?
3. What can you do to have a successful school
year? What is your action plan?
Then sit with each student and his/her parents to talk

about the answers.
As a special bonus, I will include my “Visual and

Active Tips For the SAT,” a video for getting a
higher score. I developed this program for my SAT
students and I want to send it at no charge to the
first ten people who write to me at
steveenglishteacher@hotmail.com or leave a
message with their email address on my cell phone.
954.646.8246
I hope parents and teachers who read this web site

will play a part in spreading this message of hope. I
hope people who receive Pat’s audio letters see the
value in them and make a copy and share these
audio letters with friends and neighbors.

Appendix 5
Bringing More Technology
Into the Classroom and Into
the Home
How to Use Technology in the

Multiple Intelligence
classroom to remove fear and
prepare students to compete
with China and India
A workshop with Pat Harris LMFT and Steve
McCrea, SAT Tutor
By the end of this 3-hour training, you will have the

mindset to prepare yourself and your students to
find the right amount of Technology for Bringing
Multiple Intelligences into the Curriculum
There will be a follow-up visit to your classroom to
ensure that the practices are implemented in a
constructive way.
NOTICE
This is a participatory workshop that requires input
before the workshop begins.
To be eligible for participation in the workshop,
participants must read or listen to the materials and
pass a “performance of understanding” before
entering the workshop.
Here’s Our Theory
> Most workshops present useful information.
> Most workshops do not have enough “follow-up”
to ensure that the information is serving the
teachers who took the workshops.
> “Bringing More Technology” requires participants
to sign a pledge of participation and to put
something of value in the protection of the principal
-- to be held until the participant has completed the
six-step process
1. Reading materials before the workshop

2. Attendance at the workshop or viewing the
workshop videos
3. A post-workshop “performance of
understanding”
4. A follow-up visit to the teacher’s classroom(s)
within one week (or as arranged with the workshop
organizers)
5. A second follow-up 30 days later
6. A third follow up 90 to 120 days later.
Reinforcement: one week, one month, one quarter,
also known as 7-30-120
Using technology is like learning to ride a bicycle

A behavior repeated seven times becomes a skill
A skill repeated 21 times becomes a habit
A habit repeated for 7 weeks becomes part of your
life.
To prepare for this workshop, visit the following
web site: ResolveToHeal.com and click on the
“Seminar.”

Performance of
Understanding
A central part of “More Technology” is the concept
of a “performance of understanding. From Howard
Gardner’s Intelligence Reframed…
When it comes to probing a student’s understanding
of evolution, the shrewd pedagogue looks beyond
the mastery of dictionary definitions or the
recitation of textbook examples. A student
demonstrates or “performs” his understanding
when he can examine a range of species found in
different ecological niches and speculate about the
reasons for their particular ensemble of traits. A
student performs her understanding of the
Holocaust when she can compare events in a Nazi
concentration camp to such contemporary genocidal
events as those in Bosnia, Kosovo or Rwanda in the
1990s. ... When students realize they will have to
apply knowledge and demonstrate insights in a
public form, they assume a more active stance to the
material, seeking to exercise their “performance
muscles” whenever possible. (page 160)
Structure of the Workshop

We will ask questions
Did you see something cool on TV? How are you
going to show it in your classroom? How can you
organize your classroom and your students to make
your job more interesting? How will these items
(DVDs, audio cassettes, CDs, mp3 files, jpegs, web
sites) be stored so students can easily find
information?
We will practice with “role
play”
Imagine that you are a student who fears computers
Imagine you are a teacher who fears computers
Imagine that you are a student who has a negative
self image about his or her weight and appearance.
"We are going to videotape all of our classes."
Oh, no!
Imagine that you are a student who does very well
with written tests but you are camera shy or you feel
that students who do poorly on tests are being given
unfair compensations?
We will experience fear and

breakthroughs
The Project-Centered Curriculum: Imagine that
every class builds toward completing an electric car
or a computerized image of a robot or whatever you
decide with your students.
If you teach history, why not ask students to
assemble speeches from 25 elections over the past
and then illustrate the key issues in each election... ?
Rudolf Steiner asked his teachers to create
textbooks with the students. Why not build a library
from resources found online and off TV?
What would you bring into the classroom if cost
were no object?
How can you bring something similar through the
Internet or video?
What part of this workshop

scares you already?

Let's meet our fears and plan
ahead
What are the objections to
technology?
Worry 1. It's easier to do things the way we did them
before
Worry 2. If there is a power outage, no class work
can take place
Worry 3. We don't have enough computers and we
have lots of textbooks
Worry 4. Everyone has to learn to do research in a
book. You have to learn to read a chapter from start
to finish.
Worry 5. I have a concern about “appearing stupid.”
I don’t want to show students that I don’t know
something. I will look stupid and they will lose
respect.
HERE IS OUR THEME:

"Music, soap opera, radio and television are already
educating our students and if we want to compete, we’ve got
to use equally attractive media. A trembling timid
schoolteacher reciting Shakespeare can’t compete with
Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet, so she should show her students
his movie as part of the course.” Paul Wagner, 1949,
President of Rollins College
There is no “one solution fitting all schools.”

There is nothing new here. The results are based on
common sense and using what we have at hand.
This workshop and the follow-up sessions allow you
to learn the theories of Learning Styles,
Performance of Understanding and “looking at the
big picture,” then apply technology in the way that
works for you and your classroom.
HOMEWORK
BEFORE THE
SEMINAR
Bring to the seminar at least
one incident where you felt
you or your student was out of
control, where anger was
driving the situation, not you.
Put the item in writing or draw a picture or make a short video
about the event. Describe the background to the event and how
you handled the situation and what you would have done
differently.
Bring to the seminar at least one suggestion for improving the

quality of education in your school. Write your suggestion down
or be prepared to make a performance of understanding.
We will make workbooks that the participants need to read

BEFORE each day’s work. There will be performances of
understanding (interviews by the seminar leaders) to make sure the
participants are ready to enter and begin the seminar.
Anyone who doesn’t pass the “performance” must sit outside the
classroom until the item is completed. For example, the
performance can be a one-minute or a two-minute summary of
the situation that we want them to tell us about. If they arrive
without doing homework (such as the “situation where I was out of
control and how I handled the situation), they have to sit outside
until they have produced the homework.
We will videotape the entire seminar… This will be a fabulous

experience and we’ll share highlights of the seminar on DVD and
the web site. Do you feel the goose bumps of innovation?

An End Note
Dear Reader,
Thank you for going on this journey with me. I have

shared with you tips that work for me and for my
clients.
You and I have spent time together through reading.

There are children who don’t see value in reading, so I
encourage you to volunteer in a local school. Be a
mentor. Be an example to children who need an adult
who “knows them, looks out for them and pushes them
to succeed” (as Bill Gates put it in February 2005).
I invite you to write to me with your suggestions. You

can send your ideas to my colleague Steve, who will
relay your message to me:
SteveEnglishTeacher@hotmail.com.
A school in St. Louis has the following rules:

No put downs
Active listening
Do my personal best
Trust each other
Tell the truth
(NewCitySchool.org)
These rules are a good foundation. Many elementary
schools use these rules – so why not use them in high
school and with adults, too?
Acknowledgements
The concept of the “vook” or Visual Book is to provide
the reader an audio, visual and linguistic way of
getting the information. People who absorb
information by listening will enjoy the audio CD.
Visual learners can watch the DVD. The photos spread
through the book might not appear to be linked to the
text, but the images will promote positive thinking.
Sunrise in Fort Lauderdale Source: TropicDiver.com
We have opportunities.
We have mentors.
We have options.

ResolveToHeal.com
Mission: To enhance the growth and development
of children, adolescents and adults
Our Goal: To reduce the frequency and intensity of

emotional and behavioral problems at home, school
and in communities.
At Resolve To Heal, we celebrate the uniqueness of
individuals and embrace the diversity which
complements our individual strengths.
In addition to counseling services, we provide
consultation towards optimizing the relationship
between corporate staff and management.
Patricia A. Harris, LMFT

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What

With Steve McCrea

Copyright 2007 Pat Harris

This book is dedicated to all the people who mean so

To the people who inspired us and to the people who

This book brings you the following phrases:

“Now, listen here…”

“What are our options in this situation?”

“What’s another way to look at that?”

“How can we reframe that?”

…and it all comes back

That’s what this book brings you: Calming words.

This book also brings you the latest in research

This book started when we mentioned to a parent,

What would happen to our schools, families,

What is the essence of the messages from

I come to this work

The order of the chapters shows progress. We begin with

What Are Our Options? 6

To help audio learners, we include an audio CD. I hope you

Frequently Asked Questions about this book

1. What is the organization of the

2. What motivated you to put together

What Are Our Options? 8

2 For Teenagers (16)

3 Break the Cycle (26)

4 “Does Your Anger Manage You?” (28)

5 Bullies – Taking Care of Just You (36)

6 “After the Storm” (46)

7 Ten Ways to Extend a Child’s Education (60)

8 Five Things that might help a parent (76)

9 It’s the Size of the School (not the Classroom) (86)

10 ADHD – Does It Have to be a Deficit? (91)

11 A Letter From the Heart (108)

Appendix 1 Check List for Writing a Composition (112)

What Are Our Options? 10

Are you getting the results you want when it comes

Is your child making the transition from childhood

Are you and your child able to negotiate without

Do you want to focus on solutions and become an

This book is for you.

Summary for Parents

Anger doesn’t just “happen.”

Young children can learn to

Anger management is for

The following text comes from Pat’s CD for elementary

Do you remember the last time you were angry? What

Can you recall the last time you were angry?

We want you to take a few minutes to think about the

Pick up a pencil and paper. Or get some colored

What Are Our Options? 12

Take your time.

In the end, are you feeling happy?

I haven’t been the only

What’s important is that we

What could I do before I hit someone? I might count to

Sometimes when I get angry at somebody and I count

I might try counting giraffes or hippos or horses. It

We’d love to learn a new way to do this.

What can I tell myself to get

Can you ask for help? Please

Do you notice? Your face isn’t frowned up. You aren’t

Keep up the good work. You can do it. You’re going