things you can do with your life

by nick modrzewski & oscar schwartz (in alphabetical order)

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1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. dreams porn sincerity yacht trip making new friends game of life love woody allen internets humour as good as it gets

drea ms

Dear Oscar, I had a dream last night that we were sitting in a white room together trying to play a game of football. I threw you against the wall and kicked a goal through your computer. There was a radio playing and a man was talking in an excited voice about hell. But he was also talking about cooking. He was a chef, we discovered, and we could see him through the radio like we had synesthesia and you kept saying to me: 'Hey Nick try something new and go for a walk,' and i kept resisting and trying to fight you. I told my mother about this dream because she sat me down yesterday and asked me politely to tell her my dreams. I hope you don't mind but I am 'CC'ing her into these emails. She is REALLY friendly, probably too friendly, and has offered to make you her famous Macaroni Cheese but i keep telling her you are in the internet and so you can't eat the macaroni. She said to tell you the macaroni is waiting in the fridge and can be warmed up using a normal microwave if we ever do meet properly. Tell me something new. Cheers, Nick

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Dear Nick, last night i had a dream that i was in the library with ernest hemingway. in the dream hemingway has me in a constant headlock. hemingway takes every single book in the library and stacks them in one tall pile. hemingway takes out a laptop. he opens a word document and he makes a table with two columns. one column has the title 'overrated' and the other column has the title 'underrated'. me and hemingway start going through the pile of books alphabetically according to author. i have to tell him if a book is overrated or underrated. if i say overrated hemingway says 'condemn the damn thing.' if i say underrated hemingway says 'condemn the damn thing.' this goes on for around 4 hours. we get to the letter 'h'. we get to heinrich heine. i say overrated. i wake up grinning at 10:23 am. nick. i have already eaten tonight. but tell your mum 'thank you' for offering me her mac and cheese. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, I had a dream last night that i was in a convenience store. It was night time and very cold inside (I like the cold, did i ever tell you that? I would much rather be a little bit cold than a little bit warm + would rather freeze to death than burn to death). Inside the convenience store there were no items, just a boy sitting on a chair wearing chequered socks, and he kept changing positions and adopting these really uncomfortable poses, his elbow in the air and his knees bent up and then he was trying to thread himself through the chair. I kept asking him what he was doing and he didn't respond and then the store owner appeared and he was this fat German man and he shouted at me that the boy was 'trying to get a better angle.' My mother has been pushing me to enter the music profession. She wants me to play the lyre as apparently I have no talent for trade. Do you have any information on lyre teachers / lyre community performances? I was looking initially for a kind of lyre choir where we can all get together and play but my father keeps telling me to shut up and trade. Anyway, it is getting very warm here now and i am getting irritated as a result. I am considering jumping from my window but i'm scared of dying. If you got any good ideas on what to do next, let me know. Cheers Nick

Dear Nick, last night i had a dream about your mum. i am visiting her for dinner at her place in sydney (does she live in sydney?) i am one guest and the other guest is a young guy called eddie. eddie is wearing a red cardigan. we get to know each other by playing catch in the garden for 15 minutes. i feel afraid. we start eating spinach pie for dinner. i feel like there is an aspect of my facial expression that eddie finds annoying. i look at your mum. i ask her 'what should i do?' she laughs and pats me on the head. then she meows around 23 times in a row quietly. i wake up and think 'massachusetts' and i continue to think 'massachusetts' in the shower. it was a very hot shower. you probably wouldn't like it. to answer your question about playing the lyre: i'd say it is about a 50% chance. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, I had a dream last night. My mum does not live in Sydney. My dad says: Who is Eddie? Cheers, Nick

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Dear Nick, last night i had 9 consecutive wet dreams. these are the subjects of my wet dreams in chronological order 1. sarah silverman 2. frida kahlo 3. my second cousin 4. aliens as a concept 5. my first teacher 6. virtual reality and steve jobs 7. golf, the sport 8. tony 9. carmen electra (but couldn't cum) all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, I had a dream last night that you told me about your wet dreams. It was really inappropriate and wrong for me to know this information. It was disgusting and involved Carmen Electra. It was disgusting for the following reason: a) When you tell me you have a wet dream, i SEE you having a wet dream in my mind. I can see your face all distorted and pleasured and horrible and then i feel the experience of wetness. You can understand that given the nature of our relationship this is unacceptable so i'm sorry to be annoying but please don't write about that type of stuff again. Warm regards Nick PS my mum reads your emails

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Dear Nick, my face is expressionless when i have wet dreams. last night i had a dream in the dream i can tell the distance between any two things at first i am calm about my talent then i become frightened it makes everything feel extremely close together i feel unity with everything but in a bad way i wake up your mum should be taken out of this conversation in case i have an expressionless wet dream about her. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, If you are so smart what is the distance between me and my computer right now?

Dear Nick, how am i supposed to know the distance between you and your computer? actually i just fell asleep i am having a dream that i can tell the distance between everything the distance between you and your computer is arms length i feel terrible because i might have a wet dream about your mum all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, Please, don't feel terrible. Just enjoy yourself. Have a party. Go to sleep. Enjoy your youth you're young, Oscar, you can take responsibility for your wet dreams when you are older. For now, all i recommend is to smoke a marijuana cigarette but remember not to inhale (just let the smoke stay in your mouth - better for your lungs and to avoid getting 'high'). If you like to dance, Oscar, dance. If you want to have a wet dream, do not feel guilty. I remember when i was made to feel guilty about masturbating by my mother. She caught me when i was seventeen. I was masturbating with my door open so i could hear her coming up the stairs. It turned out she was already upstairs and waiting by my door to hear if i was masturbating. At the time i was embarrassed and angry that my mum caught me masturbating especially because she wrote me this really long letter about how anal sex between a man and a woman is not normal but now i can see that it was actually a really good thing that she caught me and put an end to all that masturbating because it meant i stopped mediating my sexuality with a computer screen which was alienating and making me cum really quickly and also i was compartmentalising women into their different parts and could only get turned on if e.g. a woman had nice legs. Do you ever think a woman can look like a deer? Last night i had a dream that i was drowning in really shallow water. Nick

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Dear Oscar, I had a dream last night that I cut my mum out of our email correspondence. This morning I cut my mum out of our email correspondence. Sincerely, Nick ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Dear Oscar,

Let me know your thoughts, Cheers, Nick

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this photo makes me want to hurt everyone around me using a stick.

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Kind regards, Nick

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Dear Oscar, Also check out the links below they good too all Youtube all good. Just use sep. account to your normal email avoid ppl seeing your history etc:

! Let me know your thoughts, Cheers, Nick

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Dear Nick, i feel happy that your mum is out of our email exchanges. finally. it was weird that she was there to begin with. one thing that your mum did was give me many consecutive wet dreams. i am relieved that its over and we can continue. i am not ashamed i just feel tired. last night i watched the videos you sent me and smoked marijuana. then i fell asleep. i didn't have any dreams. i woke up and felt that i had some clarity about the videos. all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, What was the clarity about the dreams? I didn't put my mum into our conversation she put herself there. She can be very pushy and uses a wooden spoon. If you want to be part of this family you need to accept this. Thanks

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Dear! Ocar,

Here it is janE this is Nicks mu,m

sto do it if you like it!!!!

Lots of love,

Jane xx

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Dear Nick, your mum has been emailing me pictures of macaroni cheese. she is from another country because she doesn't seem to be able to speak english. i think your mum might be an alien. i'm going to write back to your mum's email with the most recent dream i had. i'm not going to tell you the dream. you'll have to ask jane modrzewski i.e. your mum. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, DO NOT engage in email contact with my mother

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Dear Oscar, I think we should meet in person. I want to tell you some things about my mother.

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Dear Oscar, Why are you ignoring me?

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Dear Nick's mum i.e. Jane Modrzewski, thank you for the picture of macaroni cheese. i feel no sense of clarity when i look at it. i understand that you might be an alien or unable to speak english. i am going to tell you about my dream anyway. you can choose whether or not you tell your son Nick. last night i had a dream. in the dream i am with my second cousin. she is climbing a ladder in the back garden trying to pick coins from a tree. i tell her to be careful. she looks at me and says 'heads or tails.' for some reason i start laughing. the rest of the dream is me laughing in different locations. some of the places include: 'on the beach', 'at a bowling party' and 'on very green bit of lawn'. i wake up and saw your email to that had a picture of macaroni cheese in it. thank you. all the best, Oscar
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Dear!!! OSc That's the end of that then!!!!!!!!

family

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familys is important !
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Dear Jane, i feel like i don't know the correct way to talk to you. you make me worried that i have been talking and writing incorrectly for the past 24 years. i had a dream last night. in the dream i driving on a highway. i take a bend too fast and crash into something metallic. i woke up and wrote you this email. this is the last email i am going to send you. send regards to your son and if you are an alien send regards to other aliens from me. all the best, Oscar
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Best,

Jane x!
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sinc erity

Dear Nick, i'm sorry you don't like my dreams. i am also sorry that i haven't written to you for a while. i have been sleeping for the past 3000 years. i fell asleep after emailing your mother, jane, i think her name is. wow. my memory is good. i remembered your mothers name after 3000 years. i literally slept for 3000 years. during this sleep i had a dream that lasted exactly 3000 years. in the dream i was on the internet for exactly 3000 years. i hope this clears things up. lol. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar, I feel like you are an insincere person. You keep sending me these dream stories and not telling me anything about yourself. I have been nothing but honest with you. When we started this we promised each other to be sincere. i don't know what sincerity is anymore. i think this is sincere: You are boring me. I am frustrated, Oscar. Not sexually, but mentally. I am spending hours writing you letters and emails about my life and my dreams, fantasies, sexual histories and you just write back with these fucking double-spaced quasi-poems about dreams. Are you even having these dreams or are you making them up? Are you a computer? Why do you not want to meet for 3000 years? What is wrong with NOW? Have you ever felt anything NOW? have you ever stood on the front of a sailing ship and stared down at the ocean as it parts before you and felt proper wind and sea-splash and seen dolphins? Or have you watched a video of a man standing on the front of a sailing ship staring down at the ocean as it parts before him with sounds of proper wind and sea-splash coming through your speakers? I just reread this and can see it appears quite aggressive. I'm sorry, i hope you're not offended. But surely you can understand where i'm coming from? Have a read over our correspondence and think about what it means to be REAL Your sincerely, Nick

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Dear Nick, i am reading your email and laughing at an extremely loud volume. i am laughing so hard because i am boring you and at the same time i am boring myself. i don't know why exactly. i feel like i am an insincere person too. this is because i am constantly changing who i am. have you seen that woody allen movie where he changes to match whatever situation he is in? i'm like that except i'm not in a movie. if i joined you on the sailing ship and stared down at the dolphins and had sea splash on me i would really enjoy it. i would be right there with you in that moment. if i went to sleep one night and woke up as a sailor on a boat, the next morning i would have no issue adjusting to that lifestyle. i have no attachment to my current life. i would not be a great sailor but i'm not great at whatever it is i'm doing at the moment. i'd be the same type of sailor as i am person. i would be a 'man of the sea'. if i were a fisherman i would have no problem killing and eating fish even though i believe it is wrong to hurt other creatures. i would do it anyway. i would be an insincere fisherman. i would like to be sincere and tell you about myself. i am just not sure how to start because i am different around different people. maybe you can tell me who you want me to be and then i can be that person for you. it will be sincere. it will be just as sincere as i am being now. i am boring myself. all the best, Oscar

Oscar, I feel like we are creating a world here. Do you know what i mean? I am not like this in real life. (I don't feel comfortable telling you what my job is, but for now i can tell you that i live a really 'fast' existence when i am working.) In real life if someone says hey what are you doing i say: 'nothing.' i am too scared to tell people what i think because i don't want to offend them. I am terrified of placing a foot wrong so i wear really thin shoes. I watch a lot of pornography and spend a lot of time staring at the fridge. I often feel like the world is made of mud and i am walking through that mud. I used to be very excitable until a traumatic event left me unable to speak. I lost my ability to be excited about things or to speak fluently and openly to people. I closed off and just said 'hello', 'please,' and also 'thank you.' My life became a board game and i was very bored. You are the first person i have spoken to openly in about two years. I have no partner. I decided to be alone after ruining the last attempt i had at having a partner. Do you think i'm sad? Sometimes i think you laugh at me when you read my emails (*coincidence!). Are you lonely? I regularly thinK: what is the point of doing anything? I have a job and when i finish my job in the late afternoon i think: what is even the point of feeling good, because feeling good is just waiting to feel bad. Feeling bad feels more honest. Feeling good is like a trick, like how the soundtrack of a movie can make you cry even though you don't care about the characters. Have you seen Titanic? Yesterday i was thinking about that Woody Allen movie you mentioned. It begins with Z i've forgotten the name. It is sitting on my computer with 1024 other movies that i am yet to watch. I try to watch movies but i get bored and download movies instead. Ah fuck oscar what the hell are we talking about? The world IS a good place, it's like water it's not mud. We need to get over ourselves and stop whining like rich New Yorkers stuck in their high rise buildings. Just today i was walking through the streets at dusk it was cold i was with a friend and i saw this crane on the horizon and a palm tree in front of it and it was really beautiful. We are not alone Oscar. If nothing else, we have each other. You are very funny. I like you. I would like you to be Heath Ledger in A Knight's Tale. Nick x

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PS i just imagined us on a boat with the water splashing instead of talking over this email thing. I was thinking, and i KNOW you have this whole 3000 years thing, but i thought it could be fun if we just decided to go somewhere on a boat together. I can take time off work easily it's no problem, my boss is actually a good friend of mine, and i can take maybe a week? Who cares! Seriously, we are young and we are wasting our lives. Don't think about it! I don't want to freak you out but when i got home last night i just played on Illustrator and whipped up this potential route we could take:

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Oh and my friend has a yacht we could potentially use. I reckon we could budget for about two hundred bucks and be sweet (there's a stove on the yacht we'd just need to buy cheap stuff like fish, curries and pasta for dinner - i can cook a REALLY good tuna pasta! - and then we could just have porridge in the mornings and buy bulk bread + cheese and salad for lunch then fruits to nibble on throughout the day, keep it simple.) It would be so good to get away and not think. It was just when you said: 'i'd be right there with you' at the front of the yacht that i thought: yes. Yes. Why are we wasting away in front of computers when we could be actually DOING something, you know? Anyway, sorry i didn't mean to get carried away! Just let me know your thoughts. Cheers

Dear Oscar, I didn't sleep last night sorry to keep bombarding you with emails but i just was thinking a lot about what we were talking about and it was in my dreams. I was sitting in this church next to my mother but she was actually you (you know how that happens in dreams?). I was talking to her about how i wanted to go out dancing and not be at church but she kept telling me to be quiet. It's really weird cos i don't actually know what you look like, but this was definitely you. The priest was talking in this really soft voice and then he came up to me and was really close to my face talking about how we had to 'round them all up and get rid of them' and i said round who up? and he kept laughing.

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Dear Nick, after i sent you my last email i made a promise to myself. i promised myself that no matter what you sent me back, i would send you the entire text of hemingway's the old man and the seas as my next email. i thought it would be funny and insincere. i changed my mind. i want to answer some of your questions insincerely instead. 1. i do think you're sad. that's why i like you. when you introduced me to your mum i thought, 'if nick ever starts taking heroin it will ruin him.' you're like that guy in the movie train spotters who starts taking heroin later then everyone else and then it ruins his life very quickly very depressingly because he just enjoys it so much 2. i am not lonely. i think i accepted my loneliness that time i slept for 3000 hours and now it doesn't bother me. 3. when i think about the movie titanic it is the closest i ever get to performing violent acts 4. just a reminder nick. we do not have each other. you have no one. you are literally alone. go to sleep for 3000 hours. wake up. tell me about some of your dreams. you will feel lonely forever and you will not fear loneliness. 5. the world is a good place when you're feeling good and it's a bad place when you're feeling bad. that's why people take heroin and keep taking it. last night i had a dream about my second cousin. in the dream she fell of a ladder into a rose bush and a thorn went right through her cheek. i watched and laughed and laughed and laughed. i woke up and had a shower. it was the first shower i had in 3000 years. all the best, Oscar

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Hey man, You're confusing me a bit! To be honest i don't really know what to make of your last email. 1) Why do you like sad people? 2) When you 'slept for 3000 years' (clever metaphor! [but for what? don't really know where you're going with that one!]) why did you accept loneliness? isn't loneliness a fundamentally negative thing? Aren't we all meant to be in community and share things together and try to love as much as possible? I don't understand how you can 'accept' and be ok with loneliness. 3.)

4) Oscar, you DONT know me. We pretend like we know each other. It's all fun and games and we can laugh about it but really we don't know each other. I've tried being many different people with you. How do you know this one is real? Don't be a cunt, Oscar. 5) I have never tried heroin but i did meet a guy who thought i was a junkie and took my photograph for his exhibition about junkies. PS Last night i had a dream I was researching you online. I had read this journal article about you, you were winning something, and then we were at a gallery celebrating together and you kept saying: 'And there are girls, and then there are girls!' and cheersing me, and you kept on cheersing me over and over even though we'd clearly cheersed enough. We were watching a speech and you kept pointing to this girl in the crowd saying: 'look at her,' really obviously, even though you were married in my dream and you said: 'she's winning my prize' and then your name was called out and everyone was looking at us waiting for your speech, and then you were gone suddenly and i was alone in front of everyone and my old Headmaster from school was there and he was saying something about one of my paintings, saying he was going to 'tear it off the wall' because it was in the way and then he walked up to me and said: 'i hope you are never famous.' PPS did you get my email about the yacht idea?

yac ht trip

Dear Nick, i am so glad that we decided to leave our old lives behind and go on that yacht trip together. it is exactly what i needed. it gave me the chance to see dolphins and talk to you about loneliness. i was a sailor with you. do you remember when we sailed to madagascar? neither. there are so many stories from our yacht trip together. will you remind me of some them. i forgot them the moment i came home. i opened my emails and saw the picture of titanic you sent me and went on an immediate killing spree. then i went home and fell asleep. i had a dream. in my dream i am on a yacht with you. we are sailing to madagascar. we are talking about heroin and photography. 'nick', i say. 'yes.' 'do you remember that time your mum emailed me macaroni cheese?' 'yes' you reply. 'what about it.' 'that was weird,' i reply. and you agree and we both laugh at a very loud volume for around 3 minutes. i wake up and remember my killing spree. advice? all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, I have been thinking about what you said about heroin. I was thinking about it all day and then (surprise surprise ! Lol) i had a dream about it. I was this bald headed junkie like the guy in Trainspotting (actually, I found this online and i thought you may find it interesting, it's from The Guardian website:

Trainspotting Compiler: Danny Boyle (1996) Danny Boyle's energetic screen rendering of Irvine Welsh's novel was the Clockwork Orange of the Nineties - a movie which redefined the face of modern British cinema, leaving an indelible impression upon contemporary youth culture. Essential to the film's success was an audaciously scattershot jukebox soundtrack which perfectly embodied the film's anarchic charms. Listening to the CD is like watching the entire movie in your head, from Iggy Pop's frenetic 'Lust For Life' (the opening high-street chase sequence), through the ironic melancholy of Lou Reed's 'Perfect Day' (Renton's heroin overdose), to the blood-pumping climax of Underworld's chanting heartbeat 'Born Slippy' (our antihero's gleeful escape). MK")
You are obviously a fan of the film so just thought you might find that interesting! Anyway, in the dream i had started taking heroin because i was living with all these bohemian people in New York. I remember thinking in my dream that it is ridiculous to take heroin, it's the one thing you should never take. As a kid we all say we'll never take heroin (I remember i used to have a nightmare that these men corner me in an alleyway in Camberwell and force me to inject heroin. I told this to my mother and she laughed). But in the dream i trusted these people so much, one of them was my girlfriend, a really beautiful long-legged blonde girl a bit like Jodi Foster in Taxi Driver and we were hanging out on these couches and beanbags in this giant abandoned factory and we'd always be kissing and then there was a band who lived there too and we'd play music together and they all loved me. And then she (my girlfriend) started taking heroin and i loved and and trusted her so much and she was so soft and said: 'if you want to you should try it,' and then i was really stressed and talking to my mother heaps about it and she was advising me that if i really loved my girlfriend i should take heroin and but that was stressing me out too and then i was in the factory and without thinking of it my girlfriend was injecting me with heroin and i remember thinking: nothing is happening, why don't i feel anything? And she started kissing me and i kept pulling away saying: when will the heroin hit me? And that's all i remember. Cheers, Nick

Dear Nick, i miss your mother. should we invite her back? can you please read my previous email and give me some advice. i feel like you might've ignored me. help. all the best, Oscar

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Dear Oscar,

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Regards, Nick

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Dear Oscar, Please let me know the address of the prison - is it in Australia? I can borrow my friend's car (same friend who has the yacht) and pick you up. What is the exact time/date you will be out? I work, usually, mon - wed 9am - 2:30pm otherwise i am free. Cheers, Nick

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Dear Nick, wednesday afternoon any time is fine by me. thanks a lot! looking forward to seeing you! all the best, Oscar

You didn't send me the address how can i pick up up if i don't have an address to pick you up?

macaronis

Macarena !!

Dear Jane, gross but sexy. all the best, Oscar

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Best, Jane ! !

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baba!
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fuck off

makin g new friend s

Dear Nick, sorry for emailing you out of the blue. my name is oscar schwartz. i do not usually do this sort of thing. i want to tell you about some dreams i've been having. i feel like a dream journal would be good for me right now. you don't have to respond to this email if you don't want to. but if you like the idea it might be cool if you respond with some of your dreams too. that way we can get to know each other's subconscious before we know anything else about each other. i like that idea. i've been having these dreams recently that are completely auditory. like last night i had a dream. in the dream everything is black. i can't see anything. i don't really feel like i have a body. i am just a presence or a type of consciousness. i can hear someone faintly whispering. i listen harder. i hear a voice. it is the voice of william s burroughs. it sounds like he is talking to someone but not to me. and then i hear him very clearly. he is talking about aliens. he is saying that he believes in aliens. he is telling me that he thinks that dreams will one day be the way humans contact other life forms. i wake up and feel calm. what do you make of this dream. all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, Nice to meet you and thanks for getting in touch. No worries about emailing out of the blue. Your dream sounds like it has some intense personal meaning. I can't quite decipher it from the small amount of information i currently have at hand. However, this may sound really strange but I had a dream last night where I met you. You were standing on the edge of a cliff staring at the ocean. I joined you there and i said: 'Hello Oscar.' You said to me something like: 'we're not engaged.' I have been researching extraterrestrial activity on earth and i am not going to start talking about conspiracy theories *Building 7 etc, but we simply cannot continue to pretend certain things do not exist. The other day one of my teeth fell out. That night i had a dream about going to my dentist's rooms and when i got there the rooms had been renovated. The secretary retrieved a briefcase full of all my old teeth, and she produced one that was in its own little box. I opened the box and inside was a miniature skull the size of a tooth. I dropped it and it smashed on the floor and the secretary asked me really politely to leave and accompanied me outside and then kissed me goodbye on the lips. A month later i went to get my tooth fixed. When i walked into the dentist rooms, there had been renovations. the place was new and clean and the lights were really false and bright. So, you know, i do believe that things happen outside of our current understanding. I have believed for a very long time that i have had access to extraterrestrials through my dreams. I hear voices nightly that sound like radio transmissions in a language i have never heard before. I have tried to recreate this language using a series of glass containers and a coin (scratching etc too). I have recorded it and some scientists have expressed interest but most of them think i am mad. I would love to talk with you more. Let's stay in touch. Cheers Nick PS i couldnt sleep last night so I turned on the television and there were these two characters talking.

And what do the older Indians say? said one man to another, who replies:
We simply cannot cure them of their idea that ordinary life is only an illusion, behind which lies the reality of dreams. Then there was an ad break and I watched an advert for timber.

Dear Nick, thank you for sharing your dreams. it can be really hard writing about dreams in a way that makes them interesting for other people. i recently read an article in which lena dunham, the writer of that tv series girls, wrote that writing poetry is like writing about dreams: it sounds interesting for the person who had the dream, but not for anyone else. after i read that article i thought to myself 'nice', like the way americans say it when they're being sarcastic. but i find your dream interesting. i like the part when the receptionist kisses you on the lips. it makes me feel interested in something, or engaged, or not bored, or not distracted. i also like the fact that you had a dream about me. i'm going to tell you about another dream i had last night. at the start of the dream i am kidnapped. i end up in a house with two american girls. i find them both sexually attractive but i think, 'don't do anything.' i sit opposite them. they talk to each other about how we will all be dead soon. they talk at a normal register about our death for approximately 6 hours. nothing else happens. one of the girls takes out a lollypop and starts to suck it. the other girl starts to whisper. i find the whispering more irritating than when they were talking out loud. i walk into the kitchen of the house. i open every window in the kitchen. i can't decide how i should escape because every window appears equally attractive. suddenly the baddy enters the house. he looks like john malkovich. he is suspicious but not angry. i think 'nice'. i start putting on my runners. he watches me. i feel under intense pressure and forget how to tie a double knot. john tells me not to give up every time i fail. i thank him shyly. this lasts approximately another 1.5 hours. i wake up and feel well rested. all the best, Oscar

Oscar - have you ever met a woman called Eva Dientres? She is an American and a friend of mine and i just feel like maybe you've met her or heard of her she is a writer of books. What is this link between being kidnapped and being with two American girls? I imagine the first American girl was called Hannah and looked like this:

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And i imagine the second girl's name was Bridgett and looked like this:

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I really like their legs. I think these girls from your dreams are sent from heaven to tempt us into some sort of serious sin. I think they are tempting me to stay indoors a lot of the time and masturbate regularly. Do you masturbate much? It's not much fun and i see it as an addiction, but an addiction i love. Look at that anklet around their ankles. Look at the shape of their legs. Don't you think the girls look a bit like a deer?

!
It's that perfection of body parts, the different bits that are so perfectly put together like an athlete, so carefully sculpted. I like the word 'sculpt.' I wonder if the girls had planned your kidnapping? Do you ever get confused between dreams and memories? I have this one vision in my mind and i really can't recall whether it was real or not. I was in an Asian supermarket searching for wanton wrappers. The man behind the counter was wearing an apron and i said: Wanton Wrapper and he said: Wanton wrapper? and I said: Wanton Wrapper, and he said some other stuff in a language I didnt understand so I stood there for a while staring at him. His eyes looked like he hated me for asking for Wanton and so I offered my hand to shake but he just stared turned around and stood with his back to me. I left the supermarket and wandered until i found another one. This time it was a woman, and when i asked for Wanton Wrappers she picked up Prawn Dimsims and said: Wanton Wrapper? And I said: Wanton Wrappers, please. and she said: 'Wanton Wrappers.' And i said: 'Those are Dim Sims.' And then she just turned around and wouldnt face me. It was really annoying, I didnt know what to do so I walked around the city until I found another store and this time i found and purchased two packets of Wanton Wrappers without any difficulties. Also, some people say John Malcovich is a really good actor because he always bringing elements of himself to his role which is why he always seems to play the same part, but i reckon he's just lazy. Cheers

Dear Nick, no, i've never met your friend eva. i just looked her up on the internet and she doesn't seem to exist. either you are lying to me or the internet is lying to me. i think that i had that dream about kidnapping and america because of those girls who were recently found after being kidnapped somewhere in america. yes. that's definitely it. sometimes my subconscious is so obvious it makes me feel dumb. like i would walk into freud's office and he would kick me out immediately because my subconscious is too dull. i agree that the two girls were called hannah and bridgett. actually maybe not bridgett. maybe bianca. but i don't think they looked like the girls with the guns. and i don't think they looked like deer. i don't think any women looks like a deer tbh. and yes, i do masturbate. when i masturbate i sometimes feel bored or relieved. after i masturbate i feel lazy like john malkovic. you might have thought i was joking when i said that i think the internet might be lying to me. i wasn't joking. the internet is very dumb for a genius. i am currently listening to music on spotify. it is recommending music i might like. it says, 'you have been listening to TAJ MAHAL. you might like JIMMY REED' it also says, 'you have been listening to OUTKAST. you might also like WARREN G' i like pop music. a pop song is the most meaningless thing in the world. it means about as much as a dream, or a poem. that's why i love pop music. nick. dreams are sometimes frustrating and feel like they will never end. i've had dreams that have lasted for hours. all the best, Oscar

Hey Oscar, I am very tired. You wrote about love poems and pop songs I wrote a song once it was called The Man With The Slippery Toe and i played it on the street. A man came up to me afterwards and said: 'Why do all your songs sound like Wild Horses?' And i said: 'I've only played one song.' And he said: 'Look, I'm a horse owner and i don't like they way you're talking about them.'
Why do buskers always play Oasis songs? I heard this busker once who got lost in an Oasis song. He was playing that song: 'So, Sally can wait, she knows it's too late.' He was a young guy and was dressed like General Pants wants people to look. He was wearing a chequered shirt buttoned up all the way with cargo pants and was singing really passionately like: 'Soooooo! Sally can wait!' and then he started looping, his hands kept playing the same guitar bit over and over he was holding this one note and i started seeing that he was trapped in a maze and was totally lost. I could see him walking through this sound maze with noise walls and he was screaming 'help me.'

There is Order in the world if you look for it, Oscar. I know you are confused but don't worry there are still manicured plants and Japanese toys and many paintings made of forests by Bruegel and other artists. People have said this is the beginning of the Dark Ages but I cannot be sure, because Dark Ages need to come from some dark place and I see a lot of beautiful light, a lot of beautiful things in the world, too many beautiful things for a Dark ages to be coming. But all the same, one man called Brian Ferry (not the musician, hes an academic from a university in the desert in Nevada). He writes about how religious fanaticism is going to lead all the good things in life to decay and basically he goes onto say that when we destroy each other in the next world war (around 2017), it will be a different all consuming destruction to the previous two world wars and this time, the only remaining humans (if there are any) will lose all faith in language and start again from a much more animal standpoint where they just take whatever they want and eat each other and he reckons it will be very much like a Hieronymus Bosch painting with people inserting forks into arseholes and drowning young girls in rivers, which I think is a little romantic (lol!, not Mills and Boon romantic, stupid!) but still romantic enough. So in this new Dark age all the tools we use today, like even speakers or wheels, all of them will be used just for torture devices, like forced to fit inside peoples mouths or anuses, and there will be no such thing as love because people will be so downtrodden the entire world will be a prison, essentially, with me here and your mother there and everything gone, everything will be a funeral and the only way to survive will be to not think because thinking will only create more torture devices. Even the most upstanding citizens will put all the energy they previously put into being upstanding into torture. This means they will become the most brutal out of everyone. Do you remember at school when the really intelligent kids got bored and destructive because they wanted to skip ahead but were held back by the dumbarses? Well, in the New Dark Ages this will be a thousand times worse. Imagine Obama with a pitchfork versus a baby.

Dear Nick, i am a little bit confused about you last email. i think it is possible that it wasn't you typing but your subconscious. maybe you are like me and interact with your computer while you are sleeping. are you a painter? if so are your dreams very visual. i want to know about other people's dreams. i'm going to research other people's dreams for absolutely no reason. it will be a complete waste of time. all the best, Oscar

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!
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! Stranger: heyhey You: hi You: how are you? Stranger: fine tks and you? You: good thanks You: i have a question for you You: what's the last dream you remember having Stranger: hmmm let me see Stranger: i was sleeping with my friend and i dreamt there was a guy between us Stranger: in her bed Stranger: that's it haha You: haha ok Stranger: and yours? You: well i'm actually dreaming right now You: like this is just my subconscious typing You: i'm the subconscious of a 48 year old woman You: i am her dream Stranger: sure hahaha You: you are literally talking to a dream Stranger: are u high or smth? Stranger has disconnected. All the best, Oscar

Dear Nick, it is important for you to understand that at the time i really believed that i was the subconscious of a 48 year old woman. all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, I have, in the past, met women who have been 48 years old. Coincidence? Also, I had this dream last night.

Cheers, Nick

Dear Nick, lol cos i had this dream

all the best, Oscar

the game of life

me: !hey you said you wanna chat? im busy you may be interupting but all good if you got something to say hello> Oscar: !i have something to say" me: !cool" whats up Oscar: !i don't think you want to hear it" me: !why not" Oscar: !it is about a dream" me: !fuck" alright come on what is it Oscar: !maybe you can guess what my next sentence will be" me: !last night i had a dream that i was hanging my clothes on the clothes line and my mother came out and said: oscar i am taking a bath ? Oscar: close that start is the same as in last night i had a dream but the next sentence was going to be in the dream i was in a hotel with jerry seinfeld

me: !i thought it was gonna be sarah silverman Oscar: !it was going to be sarah silverman me: !Sarah Kate Silverman is an American comedienne, writer, and actress. Her satirical comedy addresses social taboos and controversial topics such as racism, sexism, and religion by having her comic character endorse them in an ironic fashion. Oscar: !but i am in a hotel with jerry seinfeld me: !oh ok" sorry i still thought it was going to have something to do with sarah silverman so thought i'd just make sure we were both talking about the same Sarah Silverman Oscar: !yes. we are talking about the same sarah silverman me: !no we are talking about jerry seinfeld Oscar: correct in a hotel me: yep Oscar: guess the next sentence of my dream. a clue is that it is very boring Sent at 11:41 AM on Friday me: jerry is sitting at the table counting money and says: you know what i thought i'd have a little more by now and you are typing on your computer and typing up a story about different ways to make coffee. you publish the story in a small magazine specialising in literary or avant garde poetic works and receive poor reviews Oscar: that is two sentences but both are correct me: cool! Oscar: then i wake up me: nice one Oscar: !guess how i was feeling when i woke up?

me: mildly irritated Oscar: correct me: you are too easy your subconscious is boring can i take a ride in it mine is going crazy and i need a break where are we going> i have always wanted to go to las vegas but i don't think your subconscious would like it there it's meant to be really lavish and everything but in a really horrible way, like poor young Peruvian men sweating on the streets selling cards with pictures of prostitutes and white tigers in cages and yes we all like a bit of hedonism but apparently las vegas is just sad Oscar: i have never been to las vegas. i'd like to go. maybe my subconscious can manage it. i'm going to fall asleep now i am asleep you can ask my subconscious if i'm in las vegas me: are you in las vegas? Sent at 11:46 AM on Friday
Oscar is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Oscar comes online.

me: hey Sent at 11:53 AM on Friday oscarsubconscious: dear nick i'm in las vegas i am oscar's subconscious me: how is it there? oscarsubconscious: it is warm and dry me: cool sounds sweet i can't chat for long oscarsubconscious: i am in flamingo hotel should i play poker? me: are you any good? you can lose a lot of money playing poker it's not a good game for subconscious actually, you gotta be pretty logical oscarsubconscious: i am a perfectly rational subconscious Sent at 11:57 AM on Friday oscarsubconscious: the problem with poker is that even if you behave perfectly rationally you might lose me: did you ever play The Game Of Life? the board game? oscarsubconscious: yes. that is a game where everything is observable. therefore there is no chance to bluff. therefore as a perfectly rational subconscious i have won that game. have you played game of life? me: no but i would like to play it some day oscarsubconscious: would you like to know anything else about las vegas? me: does anyone play The Game of Life in las vegas? Sent at 12:01 PM on Friday

oscarsubconscious: as yet i have not seen anyone playing the game of life in las vegas. however, everything in las vegas is not currently observable. it is rational to believe that some person or people are playing game of life in some area that falls within the zone defined as las vegas i am staying in the flamingo hotel ask me how the beds are me: how are the beds? oscarsubconscious: comfortable, thanks for asking me: no worries oscar oscarsubconscious: this is oscar's subconscious i am oscar's subconscious me: oscar, did you create an email account called oscarsubconsious@gmail.com ? oscarsubconscious: yes when. that's how a subconscious is created isn't it? me: when? why did you say when? are you stupid? i dont understand you oscar oscarsubconscious: ignore the when. that was a typing mistake me: stop playing games subconscious doesn't make mistakes you are a lonely person are you really oscar's subconscious? prove it if you are i am very tired haha.

oscarsubconscious: ok i will prove it me: i am looking forward to this! oscarsubconscious: last night i had a dream me: boring oscarsubconscious: in the dream i am oscar's subconscious and i am in las vegas. i am staying in the flamingo hotel the bed's are comfortable, thanks for asking i take a walk in the courtyard of the hotel there is a mexican woman selling tomatoes heirloom tomatoes me: mexcio is a pretty country oscarsubconscious: i buy four tomatoes off her me: go on did you sex her? after the tomatoes? was it good? or average most sexing i have done lately has been averag the girls are always too nasty! for a guy like me do you like nasty girls? oscarsubconscious: I did not have sex with her i payed her for the tomatoes and thanked her i am a subconscious i only have sex with mothers and fathers

i can feel oscar waking up me: wait oscarsubconscious: he is going to tell you about a dream he had last night in which i, his subcnscious, were speaking to you about the game of life me: wait a sec oscarsubconscious: ok i am about to die me: wait oscarsubconscious: quick me: i don't know what to do with my life oscarsubconscious: maybe you should go to sleep for 3000 years or go on gmail and make yourself a subconscious. go to las vegas. you deserve a holiday all the best Oscar's Subconscious
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lo ve

nasty girls

Dear Nick, I haven't been having many dreams at the moment. I can't tell you about any. sorry. Ive been reading a lot about how the sense of smell is different from vision of sound. all the best, Oscar

Dear Nick, it doesn't concern me that i haven't been having dreams. it doesn't concern me at all.

Dear Oscar, I have been reading a book on Egypt and dreaming about Egypt.
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When i have sex i think about Egypt and how having sex is like being in the desert with two egyptian monuments. Being in the desert is lonely and there is no where to hide because there is SO MUCH space and you can really feel your body and it's like there's a giant magnifying glass in the sky. Have you ever had sex in the desert? I once waved my penis at someone when i was in the desert (in a dream). When i have sex i think it is like exploring a landscape. The book i am currently reading is called :

It is a very bad book and i am about to stop reading it. This man Samuel Laboy is pretending to be an Engineer. The book is similar to the Da Vinci Code by Cecil Brown. Have you read it?

Thanks, Nick

it is yumcake make w butter for in the fridge when hugry!!!!!!!!

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Jane xxxxxxx

Dear Jane, it's nice to hear from you again. did nick tell you that i served 31 consecutive life sentences since we last spoke. that is 775 years in jail. thanks for the cake. all the best, Oscar

Cecil Brown (September 14, 1907 October 25, 1987) was a war correspondent who worked closely with Edward R. Murrow during World War II. He was the author of the book The Da Vinci Code, which describes the sinking of HMS Repulse in December 1941. He also has a star on theHollywood Walk of Fame for his contribution to radio.

See what I mean? Regards, Nick

Dear Nick, i have not had sex in the desert. wait. actually i have had sex in the desert. i was living in the desert for three months. i was living in a community on a hill. every house was made out of old shipping containers. i met a girl there. i was very young. she was exactly the same age. we counted as many shooting stars as we could for around 10 minutes. i received a phone call. i left and walked down the hill to speak privately. i came back and she was gone. i went into my house (shipping container) and she was there. she lit a candle and fell asleep with her back towards me. i climbed into bed behind her. later on we had sex. i have not thought about her for a long time. i have not visited the desert since then. the closest i have come to the desert since then was a recent trip i took to las vegas.

i have not read that book by samuel laboy. i won't be reading it now because you give it a bad review. i have never had a dream about egypt. wait. actually i've had one dream about egypt. it was a long time ago. there was a sphinx on my balcony. i wake up and feel something i haven't felt in a long time. i count the objects in my room and fall back asleep. all the best, Oscar

It is beautiful to think about that girl you had sex with. I imagine she had skin that was soft and cream-coloured. I can imagine her back and it is facing you and has nice arches like a pyramid and she sleeps on exotic sheets. Am i right? Am i right? Did you have sex in that position ? From behind? Was she aware that you were having sex with her? Some women are very aroused by the idea of a man waking them up with sex. I once had a girlfriend who was not Egyptian but really enjoyed this. Each night we would drink milk before sleeping and i would put an alarm to wake me up. Sometimes i slept through the alarm and was really annoyed in the morning because she woke up early and was not interested in sex unless she was asleep. Have you ever had a problem like this?

Dear Nick, i have a problem with the way that we are talking about women now.

which women? and what problem?

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Dear Nick, the women in my dreams. i don't want you to imagine their skin colour. or the shape of their backs. or the positions we were in while having sex. or exotic sheets. or beauty. absolutely stop thinking about beauty and women in the same sentence please. i want you to ask me how many shooting stars we managed to count. i want you to ask who i was on the phone to. and i want to ask you some questions: what time did you set your alarm for. did you sleep through your alarm because of a fault in its mechanism. or a fault in yours. all the best, Oscar

What shape were the shooting stars and did they enjoy the missionary position? Did you see the CowGirl constellation? Are you an aggressive stargazer? Did you meet the man called Cameron Wilson who is in charge of Desert Maintenance? Oscar, i want to know some other things while i'm at it too. I read an article recently about child art (that's art made by children!). The article says that before kids start thinking of themselves objectively they draw themselves like this:

because they believe they are the centre of the universe. The Circle is symbolic of this, and is kind of like saying 'here i am i am whole and not problematic and separated or part of the world rather i am the world i am everything.' When you came on the star's face did you feel vulnerable?

VULNERABILITY
!

Dear Nick, thanks for your reply. i feel like it was very thoughtful. i keep thinking, 'brilliant'. i will never say the word brilliant out loud. i take your email very literally. i have spent the last 3 hours drawing faces with arms and legs coming out of them. for the first 20 minutes i felt stupid and selfish. then i felt hilarious and laughed. after that i felt less and less. after three hours i felt nothing. i currently feel nothing. i am thinking of going to sleep. i want you to do me a favour. can you count out loud to 100 for me when you read this email. when you get to 100 i want you to whistle your favourite tune. i think this might help me fall asleep. thanks nick. all the best, Oscar
!

sixteen eighteen twenty six these are my favourite numbers that i counted when i counted to 100. when i got to 100 i started whistling Einstein on the beach which sometimes sounds like a broken record

Dear Nick, it worked. thank you

Dear Oscar, I would like to begin by thanking you. Every time i get an email from you i feel a little bit happier. I feel like if you keep sending me emails, one day i will be really happy and maybe get married to a beautiful woman whose name i cannot predict yet but she will come from the desert. i noticed something interesting - whenever i imagine getting married to a beautiful women i get really excited. But then whenever i am in a relationship with a woman i never want to marry her. I have been thinking lately about how there are worlds within worlds. Like, Cameron Wilson the officer in charge of Desert Maintenance wrote me a long letter once about worlds. He was saying that he was really upset about the size of his office. 'It's too small,' he said, 'too stuffy for a guy like me.' I felt like saying: what kind of guy are you, Cameron?' But i didn't. Cameron Wilson's office is very high up and has a small window the size of a plane window that looks out over the desert and he can see the edge of a pyramid if he stands up and presses his face to the window. He told me about how he has this calendar of tropical birds that he looks at to get pleasure when he's in the middle of some complicated desert maintenance matter. He says his attention span is the shortest when he is creating graphs. He says he has another type of calendar 'with a different breed of 'birds' in it! ;)' He talks a lot about the calendars and says that they are like a tropical holiday for him. 'I feel like i'm on the beach!' Cameron Wilson says that the other thing he likes to do is commission the locals to groom the sand to make sure all the grains are facing in the right direction. He also says that when he looks out his window at the Pyramid he feels sometimes like he is travelling there through the medium of eyesight, but he says he can only imagine what is inside those pyramids because he is not allowed inside them because it is

restricted for Archaeologists. Cameron Wilson had a wife but she is now dead. Cameron Wilson has a secretary who he has never attempted to have sex with during work hours. At the end of his letter, which was all written very formally, he wrote: 'Do you reckon there are worlds within worlds?' Let me know your thoughts
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Nick

Dear Nick, your dream about cameron is detailed and impressive. your question made me feel exhausted but great. i fell asleep and woke up. my subconscious left me the following answer:

Oscar, 1) Thanks for the chart. A quick correction: The Cameron Wilson story wasnt a dream, dont be confused. He is a friend of mine who lives in Nevada. He was expelled to the Nevada desert after falling asleep one too many times at his job in the Australian desert. He used to write adverts that said: COME TO THE RED CENTRE! DREAMTIME HAPPENINGS AND DANCES WITH WOLVES! They were very unsuccessful adverts. 2) Once, i was flying over the desert in an aeroplane. I looked out the window and saw something like this:

(Please note this a reproduction i found on the internet as i did not have a camera with me at the time. However, this appears to be the same spot of desert i saw from my window.)

And i imagined what it would be like to be on the floor walking through this desert. See how small all the tiny colour shades are? Imagine how big they are on the floor of the desert. Sometimes i think the desert is like a giant warehouse with the sky as a roof. The Warehouse is probably selling glass doors.

It makes me feel a lot calmer to imagine that the desert is a giant warehouse, otherwise i could be forgiven for thinking that the desert goes on forever. I do not like this idea at all. Things that go forever really scare me. If you are familiar with the program Microsoft Excel you will know what i mean. In Excel, sometimes i like to highlight all cells and then paste the word 'hello.' As far as i scroll, all i can see is the word 'hello' in every direction. It's like being in the middle of a very friendly crowd. I wonder, during these experiments, whether the 'hellos' stretch forever in every direction or whether each time i reach the edge of the screen the computer generates more cells filled with 'hello.' If so, then the computer is cheating, because that is not what i ordered when i pasted the word 'hello' into every cell. No matter how high i fly in aeroplanes i can never see the edge of the desert, which makes me wonder if it keeps regenerating more desert each time i get to the edge. If you were standing at the edge of one world, even if you were tired and exhausted, would you step into the next world if i asked you politely?

Dear Nick, i feel like the only way i can answer your questions is by telling you about a dream i had. last night i had a dream. in the dream i am sitting at my computer. i open the date and time preferences. i want to see what happened on my birthday in the year 0. i type: 29/07/0000 it takes me to the date:

and that's it. i can't go any further back. and then i want to see what happens on my birthday in the year 10,000. i type: 29/07/10,000. it takes me to the date:

that's it. i can't go any further forward. i wake up. i feel excited. what do you make of this? all the best, Oscar

Hey Oscar. I think you have successfully outlined the borders of your world. Congratulations. That means that according to your computer, the oldest you can possibly be is 69 years old. Is that correct? I am not a mathematician. I feel like if we can go to 1939 we will enter a new world together, as a family. Its time now Oscar. 2:54pm. Today is Friday. This is not a weekend. We should get going. We are not on holiday. If we were on holiday i would say: 'stay in bed, Oscar.' If we were on holiday i would worry that the holiday would never end. What would be the point of sending faxes?
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woo dy allen
!

Dear Nick, my name is woody allen. i have the ability to travel forward and backwards in time through people's dreams. every movie i have ever written i have stolen from someone else's dream. there is 100% chance that i will steal one of your dreams in your lifetime. thankfully people don't remember their dreams. i am in love again. i feel angry but great. there is only one movie i made that wasn't taken from a dream. it was that movie i wrote about being in the desert. counting shooting stars. eating macaroni cheese. searching for oases. with your mother. in love at last. the movie was called bananas staring many great actors all the best, Woody!
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HAAHAHAHAHAAH This is the most hilarious thing i've read in months. I thought i had forgotten how to laugh! I actually haven't laughed since two weeks ago. But i just laughed. Hahah you nailed it that is how dreams are i fucking love it. I just realised that above paragraph may have sounded sarcastic. It wasn't. I'm actually genuinely relieved to laugh. I feel like i'm wading through life at the moment. i just wrote my ex girlfriend a four page letter about how i feel like i'm underwater. I am seeing things and hearing them but they are not affecting me and it's like living behind glass. I feel like i want to cry all the time but i can't. I'm trying to confront feelings of being dishonourable and being selfish. My dreams at the moment are about fish. There is this fat man who has tattooed his body to look like a woman. His breasts are tanned. He has done this in order to trick an amphibious fish into having sex with him. He is sitting in an armchair positioning himself and preparing, excited and talkative as the fish (it is massive, as wide as two men and has hugh lips) crawls out of the water. As it drags itself closer he stops talking, he stops moving, and the fish climbs up his body and then starts licking his mouth and i can feel all the sensations as he feels them. The fish spits down his throat, which is like cuming, and he is groaning and gyrating and then the whole thing becomes a Youtube video which i am trying to send via Facebook to my friend Will. My laptop is overflowing with new windows, word documents and porn sites, women tied up in concrete rooms and things that point towards serious violence. I can't send the Youtube link because there's too much porn and i am stressed like preparing for an exam. Regards,

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Hey Nick I have an idea for a great show that will be very remunerative. It will be called: The Seinfelds staring Jerry Seinfelds who says: this is what I do now, and hits George in the face and keeps hitting him over and over until George is dead and then he says: well thats a wrap, and the camera shows Georges bloody face with his nose ripped up the middle and stuff coming out that looks like meat from the supermarket and then the camera cuts to Jerry whos standing there with blood on his hands and then he wipes the hands on his face and opens his mouth really wide and then runs into the kitchen and starts banging his head against the fridge.! ! Then Kramer pops in the door and says:! Kramer has arrived here now.! And everyone cheers in the audience and Kramer sees Jerry hitting his head on the fridge and he goes over and starts hitting his head too and the audience are laughing so he opens the freezer and sticks his head inside then starts banging the door on his head and then a womans voice shouts:! What is all this noise?! And it is the woman called Elaine and she comes in from the bedroom rubbing her head and being like: what the? when she sees them hitting their heads and she says:! Guys! UmIm trying to sleep, okay? and then goes back into the bedroom. And then the camera follows her and suddenly she has a light bulb moment and turns round and runs back into the room and she say:! Hold on a minute! Stop that andand George is dead.! But the guys keep banging their heads until she goes up and taps Jerry on the shoulder like: what are you doing young man with her hands on her hips and he says:! Oh, Elaine, how are you today?! And the audience laughs and Elaine says: Uhhhh, JerryIve been better! ! And the audience laughs and Jerry slaps Elaines tits and keeps slapping them back and forth like a game of ping pong and Elaine says:! And Kramer? You too? Using the fridge as aas a way to knock yourself out? ! And Kramer says: ! Yes Elaine I am doing this.! And Jerry is hitting her tits much harder now and with his other hand he is masturbating and the kitchen light globe flicks off and on as if it were an act of God and the camera cuts outside where it has started to rain and down on the street is a man in a rain coat looking up at the flickering light and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thin metal container and opens it and inside there are four cigarettes and he puts one in his mouth and lights it and then presses the buzzer on Jerrys apartment building.! ! Come on up, says Jerry, and when the man arrives he says:! I am here with cellophane to wrap the body of that dead guy.! You mean George? Says Jerry, and Elaine says:! Yes you fuck, of course he means George, and Jerry looks all floppy for a moment like theres nothing inside his skin. ! ! END EPISODE!

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!
also i want to know the most recent dream you've had i also want to know the most upsetting dream you've had please tell me in a way that it completely spare i just want the facts all the best, Woody

The most upsetting dream i've had: I was in my back garden and a black horse was running around screaming and a farmer gave me a pistol and said do you want to shoot the horse in the nose and i said yes so i prepared the horse to be shot then shot it

My ex girlfriend and i are using a flamethrower to kill a bald naked man who won't die

! !

!
My stomach is made of really soft white flakey skin and i can remove it in clumps

!
dreams are boring lets talk football. My friend Oscar knows lots about football. Im going to CC him.

Dear Woody, i have been sleeping a lot. i want to tell you about a dream. in the dream i am a girl around my age. my name is kiki. i am a photographer. i got to an art show and sit and talk to a writer. he is quiet or arrogant. he tells me he experiences de ja vu on the internet. we leave the art show together because i am bored and he thinks i'm attractive. i find him pathetic or funny. we go to a sushi restaurant. i don't eat fish. i order miso soup. he orders me a beer and i feel tragic. i have not said a word in around 45 minutes. his mouth won't stop moving. he tells me that he wants to find the perfect path through the internet. he thinks that if you open the right combination of webpages and click through the right hyperlinks there will be a path that leads you out of the internet forever. i ask him where out of the internet is. he tries to kiss me.

i laugh very very loudly for the next 3000 years. i laugh so loudly that i wake myself up. i feel different and hilarious. i also feel happy that it's friday afternoon. friday feels like things are ending and beginning. all the best, Oscar

Dear Nick, do you remember our yacht trip?

all the best Oscar

inter nets

Oscar: hey nick Sent at 4:39 PM on Friday me: hey oscar

Oscar: do you remember when we went on our yacht trip me: yea i guess you were in a foul mood the whole time Oscar: i was feeling foul or happy me: mainly foul but yea i guess maybe you are happy being foul what was the point of that yacht trip Oscar: i can't remember what countries did we go to? me: madagascar Oscar: is that it? me: Perth Sent at 4:41 PM on Friday me: I remember thinking: here we are in the waves with the wind and i am here and oscar is here and it is really beautiful on this ship but I'm tired of eating tuna pasta every night. I enjoyed watching the moon rising and watching pornography on my laptop while you slept Oscar: ok me: i remember the websites better than i remember the countries does that ever happen to you? Oscar: sometimes i can't tell the difference when i think of madagascar i just think: www.google.com.mg (mg being the domain extension for madagascar) was our yacht trip a website?

me: Safari can't find the server ? Oscar: ohh whhooops it is www.google.mg my bad where are you right now? Sent at 4:44 PM on Friday

Dear Oscar, Here are a couple of: successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that
occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
[1]

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Regards, Nick ! ! ! ! !

ah yes. this is a picture of a dream i had in which a war started in south africa. i was driving with my mum and second cousin to the airport. my mum turned on the radio. "war has started in south africa" the radio said. my mum whispered something to my second cousin. my mum said, 'they will show this entire war on tv' 'like the cricket?' i asked
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'like the cricket' she said!

! Dear Oscar, !

! ! ! ! ! Nick ! ! !

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nick. this is a book i translated from spanish into english in one of my dreams. it's title in spanish is: Ventanas Rotas: Restaurando el orden y reducir el crimen en nuestras comunidades. it took me 12 years to translate. i didn't speak spanish. i'd be interested in where you located this. i've been looking for a long time.
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thank you.!

! Dear Oscar, !

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oh yes. in a dream i went to primary school with this man. his name is joshua. we called him moonface at school. he moved to boulder, colorado in search of jack kerouac. he opened up a second hand bookstore. he self-published six volumes of poetry. i didn't see him for 300 years. then i met him in buenos aires. i was learning spanish. he was searching for used books. he gave me a volume of his poetry. it was called: yacht club etiquette in the south pacific. i read it. it made me feel empty.

Dear Oscar,

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nick. i have to be honest. i have absolutely no idea what this is. it does not compute at all. it is like a sentence with no grammar. i feel like i'm in a public toilet and i've suddenly smelled something and i can't figure out if it's blue cheese or something a lot worse. i need context. context please?
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! ! Dear Oscar, !

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Nick !

now i get it. you are telling me about that dream we had together. it was me, you, and woody allen. we were sitting in my office in the city. we were drinking wine and eating chocolate. we were quite happy hiding up there. you said, 'have you heard of wallace shawn' i said, 'no.' you said, 'i have a friend who is fucking him. he is an excellent writer.' woody said, 'he fucks everyone. he is a teacher of semiotics in my subconscious.' we looked at woody calmly and sadly woody stood up and leaned forward to stretch his legs. 'oy' woody sighed. 'i share a subconscious with wallace shawn and it's driving me insane.' and then we both said, dont we all share a subconscious with wallace shawn?
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you didn't notice but i took a photograph of that dream so i could show my second cousin. she didn't believe me that i shared a subconscious with woody allen. this is that photo:

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Ah of course! I'd forgotten that dream actually. Shawn's words must have fallen out of me like they sometimes do. I'm glad you managed to capture the dream so succinctly. Sometimes i get attacked by people who don't believe i too share a sub conscious with Wallace Shawn. Ha ha ! People can be such arseholes, can't they? Sometimes feel like in my mind there is a group of people protesting. They are shouting really loudly about something i can't quite hear because they are shouting so loudly it just sounds like really loud wind. But i know they want something i can't give them. It's funny how similar you and me are, Oscar. I wonder if one day when we meet Wallace Shawn he will instinctively recognise us. hey, i was thinking, if we both share a subconscious with Wallace Shawn, does that mean that our subconsciouses (is that the plural?) are separated only by Wallace Shawn's subconscious? Or is Wallace Shawn's subconscious a small room for us to meet in?

Dear Nick,

My favourite scene in this movie is when Jack Nicolson says: Why read books in todays modern age? There are better things to do than read books! says Jack Nicolson, and the camera zooms out and we see he is standing in the middle of a football stadium. Kicking football he says and kicks a football. It dribbles into a goal. FOODBALL appears in text on the screen. CUT TO Jack Nicolson sitting on a couch flicking through the television. He looks up at the camera. Television, he says. Then the camera cuts to him in a steam room surrounded by women. Women, he says. CUT TO: a pack of barking Dobermans leaping against a fence. AGGRESSIVE DOGS appears in text on the screen. Jack Nicolson is now standing in front of a grey freeway. New: Pill-Book. He places a pill in his mouth. Moby Dick, he says. He swallows another pill. Shakespeare. As Good As It Gets. The camera reveals he is standing next to a young boy. He pats the child on the head. The child looks sad.

hum our

Dear Oscar, What is funny?

Nick

Dear Nick, last night I had a dream about the lifestyle i would have lead if i had grown up on a family farm. in the dream i am the youngest son. i am quiet and withdrawn. i wake up early one morning and take my dad's truck down to the dam. i put the truck in reverse and reverse at full speed into the dam. the truck sinks quickly to the bottom of the dam with me still in it. i keep thinking, 'i am not a superhero'. i almost drawn but just before i do drawn i pull the hand break and i am ejected from my seat. i feel fucking angry at myself. i tell myself it's not my fault but i am thinking to myself, 'it is all your fault'. i tell my brother that i reversed the truck full speed into the dam. he tells me to stop being sarcastic. i tell him i'm not being sarcastic, but it sounds sarcastic. i tell my mum that i reversed the truck full speed into the dam. she is shocked but calm and starts telling about how we can fish the truck out of the dam. she asks me why i didn't drawn. i tell her that i ejected myself by pulling the hand brake. she tells a joke and then she starts crying like how an american mom cries in the movies when they are so happy that everyone has arrived home at the end of the adventure. then she starts laughing quietly. my brother overhears mum laughing and he comes over and starts crying in a nervous but calm way. mum and i look at each other awkwardly. i think mum says something like: don't overreact. you live on a farm. all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, I have been reading about foreground and background. Someone said that in a painting and in a film you need to think about things occupying spaces - usually it's a figure sitting in space, and they interact. When you paint you are meant to focus on both at once. I have been thinking about what is in the foreground and what is in the background. Currently, in the foreground is: my computer. In the background is: the door and the wall. I am trying to concentrate on both foreground and background at once to not be prejudice and favour one or the other. I am constantly feeling nauseous but fair. PS Writing to be funny is boring but makes you feel good for a second and then for another second when you read back over your work and say: 'yes, this is funny.' It's very dull. You can see the intention sticking out like an ugly brother who has lost his face in an accident.

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Dear Nick, last night i had a dream in spanish. i am sitting in a library next to an alien. my second cousin walks into the library and sits opposite us. she takes out a red bull and opens it carefully. she takes a sip. i notice that she has a nose ring. i look at the alien and try to convey with my face, 'since when did she get a nose ring?' the alien shrugs and then pulls a face. i can't tell what the alien is trying to convey with his face. my second cousin laughs very loudly. she starts speaking in spanish and continues to do so for around 45 minutes. i wake up. i quickly write down the last phrase my second cousin said: "depende de cuntos otros candidatos son, al mismo tiempo que usted est solicitando, pero, en general, de 6 meses." i put it through google translate: "it depends on how many other applicants are at the same time you are applying, but in general 6 months." all the best, Oscar

Dear Oscar, What is funny?

Nick

as good as it gets

Dear Nick, why do anything but sleep?

all the best, Oscar

Hey Oscar, here are some things you can do with your life:

1. dreams 2. porn 3. sincerity 4. yacht trip 5. making new friends 6. game of life 7. love 8. woody allen 9. internets 10. humour 11. as good as it gets

See you in the morning

Nick

Dear Nick, last night i had a dream. i was in a library with ernest hemingway. he had me in a constant headlock. literally a constant headlock. i wake up and feel nothing. i am still feeling nothing. i feel a lot further away from understanding anything than when this started. i feel well rested. nick good night. i am asleep. i dream. i wake up. i write you an email. Dear Nick, on reflection you were right. all the best, Oscar

Dear Nick, ps this is the closest i will ever get to fully expressing any dream i've ever had.

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