Dedicated to you, my princess.

AUTHORS INTRODUCTION FOREWORD YEAR ONE PART ONE YEAR ONE PART TWO YEAR ONE PART THREE YEAR TWO PART ONE YEAR TWO PART TWO YEAR TWO PART THREE YEAR THREE PART ONE YEAR THREE PART TWO YEAR THREE PART THREE YEAR FOUR PART ONE YEAR FOUR PART TWO YEAR FOUR PART THREE EPILOGUE AUTHORS CONCLUSION/CONFESSION TO YOU

4 5 6 12 16 20 25 33 39 47 59 62 65 68 70 72 74

Authors Introduction
Tomorrow is December 14th, 2013 It marks the day that I post the first chapter of the Christmas special! Yay!!! But first, this introduction includes a prologue so read all the way down! Ill be updating every single day and the 12th chapter will be posted on December 25th along with an epilogue. I really hope that you guys like this one as I put a lot of work and effort into it. It took me 4 months of writing, every day to finish this. But I think the most important factor is that I poured my heart into it. Honest, on some days, Id come home and write about what happened that day, then I would just change the names to fit these characters. This story is 95% true up to chapter 8. The rest is completely made up. Originally, I wanted to give you a happy ending and Im still unsure if it will be like that. A happy ending doesnt feel right to write about but a sad ending is kind of depressing for Christmas. Anyways, in case you need a cure for some of the sadness in here, I have a super fluffy and long Christmas chapter update on my other fanfic that will be posted on Christmas day! So if you need a remedy after this angsty little fanfic/diary, please consider reading it! Click! -> My Turn (Its Your Turn SEQUEL) Since I havent graduated yet, I can only write up to grade 11 with truth in the words as its based on my own life. The only difference is that I changed the names of the characters but even the personalities of my friends have not been altered much. They just happened to match perfectly with the personalities of the characters in here. Everything is there with a few scenes where the words arent directly quoted. If you dont like it, Im sorry! I dont really like the fact that its not a 100% happy and fluffy story from start to finish, either. Believe me; its hard to read, but even harder to live. For the first time ever, Im writing in first person perspective from Taeyeon! Yay! I thought it would make the story more personal and maybe I could show you my point of view better. Its written around little flashes of moments of memory recall that Taeyeon might be having compared to the usual story progression. This way, there are no filler chapters. Its a mash-up of pure plot, character development, angst and fluff. As for anyone whos reading this and knows me in real life I suggest you dont read this unless I told you about it because the chances are, its probably about you. Dont spoil it for yourself. Ill confess to you soon enough Anyways, subscribe! Keep your eyes open for the updates! The only reason that an update doesnt get posted is if my internets down and the librarys closed, Im dead, or Im in a coma. If something happens, krispy-baozi, please walk to my house, tell my mom that I needed to give you my red USB and post the chapters for me! I hope you guys enjoy! But just as a heads up, along with the fluff, there are some really angsty moments. Story of my life But fluff with me, is always a guarantee! Happy reading!

Foreword
Taeyeonnie! A deep voice called me from behind. O- Dae? I turned around and smiled to see that it was my boyfriend, Leeteuk. Could you grab that book for me? He pointed to a book on a table. Sure, Teukie! I walked over to the table and took one last drink from the water bottle in my hands before picking up the book. Hey, Taeyeon! You walked by, waving at me while passing. H-hi. I waved back and smiled, feeling an odd lump in my throat along with a wet sensation on my chest. I looked down, realizing that the water in my mouth had dripped all over my body. I panicked and looked around in hopes that nobody saw while brushing my shirt a few times. You passed by again and waved again, smiling a little bigger than last time. I clutched my chest, feeling my pulse suddenly speed up. Tae? Do you have the book? Leeteuk called over to me again. C-coming! What the heck just happened?

Year One Part One

I think Id like a time machine To bring me back so I can figure out what happened. Hello. I walked onto the bus and sat down next to you. I hadnt seen you for the entire summer and I admit it, I missed you quite a bit. Hey. You looked at my uniform and laughed. What? Its so strange seeing you in a uniform or anything more formal than jeans. Oh shush I gave you a playful smack on the arm. Relax, Im just teasing you. You laughed even more while lightly shaking me by the shoulders. Some things never change, huh? I smiled. Yeah, some things never change. This is going to be our 5th year together. Heres to another 4? After 10 minutes, the bus pulled up in front of the school. Here we are My eyes lit up as I viewed the schools main hall from the front door. Compared to our old school, this place is huge! You followed closely with your hands on my shoulders, almost hiding behind me. Heres to a new four years of our lives, eh? You seemed more excited before Im scared. Dont be. Well get through it. Together! But we have almost no classes with each other. You wont be able to help me. Thats alright. Ill just learn your subjects too. That means more information for me and I get to help you! Lets promise that no matter what happens well still be best friends. You stuck out your pinky and smiled brightly. Alright, Ill promise if you do too.

I guess its settled then. Well be best friends forever. You laughed cheerfully and surrounded me with a tight hug. Ill always be here for you, I promise! Please keep this promise. Please Ill keep mine. ____ Ahh, we barely have any classes together! You squeezed your fists, crumpling my schedule paper. We already went through this on the bus. Im not going anywhere, dont worry! I chuckled. But still. I dont get to see you. Dont worry. Youll be fine! Whos going to tell me what I have for homework or where I need to go? You will. You can handle yourself. I smiled. Ill be here but you should try walking on your own. And what if I fall? Ill catch you. And what if youre off doing something else? Just trust me, will you? Im your BEST FRIEND! Ill catch you, and well make it together. Promise? You stuck your pinky out and grinned. Promise. I promise. ____ Promise is a big word. But I knew how to keep one. Although, keeping this promise changed me. It changed my taste in music, believe it or not. Now, I melt when it comes to stupid love songs. Before, I despised the idea of them. What about you, Taeyeon? What music do you listen to? I dont listen to a lot of music. Its usually the same songs, over and over again. Mostly, my playlist has Lady Gaga, Pink, Katy Perry Those artists. Anyone with a catchy beat I guess I shrugged. What about ballads? You know slow love songs? That kind of thing?

I dont really like love songs. In my opinion, theyre stupid. At least thats what I think. Why? Because its not like people actually feel like that or say those things when they like someone. Thats so cheesy and stupid. I scrunched up my face while laughing. I guess I just havent experienced love yet. Or maybe I just didnt realize it yet. It was so obvious. Too obvious. ____ And without even noticing it, I was letting it tear me apart. So how are things holding up for you this year? The teacher asked, looking at my not-so-perfect midterm report card. Theyre okay I muttered. Are you sure? He looked at me with curiosity, noticing my sad tone. Yeah. Things could be better but I think I can manage to do that by the end of the year. My voice cracked, holding back tears. If theres anything that doesnt sit right with you, you can always tell me. My science mark isnt the best What are you talking about? Thats not a bad mark at all. Its not the mark. Its the fact that theres a G on my learning skills. G stands for good But its not excellent. My parents have such high expectations and everything At this moment, I honestly hated this man for being so nice. But looking back, Im glad we had this meeting. Sure, I humiliated myself and broke down, crying in his office. But it made me realize something. It wasnt the fact that I wasnt in the 90 range for my grades. It was just an excuse as to why I was feeling the way I felt. Ever since our first year of high school started, Ive felt so neglected. You dont have a duty to look after me but I just felt so ignored. So worthless. I didnt know what to do except for cry and feel sorry for myself.

The funny thing is back then I had no idea why I felt like this. I thought I was just bothered by my grades. But after a while, I looked back, realizing that I wasnt doing badly at all. It took a little more time afterwards to realize that I just missed you. But theres more to it. And I wish I had realized this sooner. Maybe I wouldnt be in this mess. Or would I? Because I feel like its inevitable. If somethings not meant to be permanent, it would be destructible. But I wasnt able to get over you. Not for 11 months. Maybe even longer. I feel like its not going to end either. I walked back to the science classroom. I knocked on the door and returned to my seat, keeping my head held low. Howd it go? F-fine. I continued copying down notes from the board, trying to hide my swollen eyes. I couldve told you about it. But I didnt want you to worry. ____ Sometimes, I wish I could just get over you. Because when you met more people I often wanted to smack myself for feeling what I did. Taeyeon! You ran towards me and gave me a tight hug. Hey, whos your friend? Tae, this is Jessica. You smiled and while gesturing towards your new friend. Ah, hey Jessica. Im Taeyeon. I smiled politely. Anyways, Ill be going home later than usual today. We have a meeting to go to. You wont miss me too much, right? Oh, wipe that smirk off your face. You wish. I winked and waved while the two of you walked off. Up until that moment, I never felt this before. Thanks. You taught me what jealousy feels like. But of course, at this moment I wasnt sure why I thought this. Whats wrong with me? I have absolutely no reason to be feeling like this! This girl is your best friend. You dont love her that way.

No way Right? I was so stupid. ____ Then you taught me what it felt like to be lonely. Hey, Fany. Do you want to meet up after school? Uh, is it urgent? I cant. I have another meeting today. Oh, thats alright. I just wanted to hang out again. I smiled, hiding some sort of awkward sadness I felt inside. I feel so bad. Im sorry! I know we barely have any classes together. No, its fine. Its fine. Really, its fine. Dont worry about it. ____ After a while, I thought my feelings receded, if there were any at all to begin with. I thought that maybe I was hurting because we were just growing apart a little. I was wrong. Go, Tae. Your dad is waiting. You pointed your chin in the direction of the car. But I dont want to leave you. Ill be fine. You laughed and ruffled my hair. Now, go. What about you? What are you going to do? Your parents arent here yet. The snow continued falling, landing on us softly. For some reason, I kept thinking about how romantic this was. Even though I didnt know I had feelings for you, I kept thinking this. The fact that our faces were only a few inches away, really didnt help either. Youre too sweet. Well, yeah. Im not gonna leave you here in the cold, all alone.

I dont know what got into me but I started leaning in closer and closer until You should go. You broke into a smile before punching me in the arm lightly. Ill see you tomorrow! You spun around and walked inside. Yeah See ya Whats this weird feeling in my stomach? Im not sick, right? I sighed, walking to the car with my dad waiting inside. Butterflies? No It cant be. Whatever. Itll go away.

I think.

Year One Part Two

These weird thoughts kept coming back. Of course, I tried to distract myself from these thoughts. I thought that there must have been something wrong with me. Thats when I met people like Sooyoung, Yoona, Jiyeon, Sunny, and Taemin. I have no idea how I met Sooyoung. Somehow, we apparently came from the same school before I switched. Oddly, I had no first impression. It wasnt until later we actually started talking as friends. I never thought shed be the first one Id tell about my problem with Tiffany. I remember Yoona. She has the exact same humour as me and she fangirls just as hard. But even in the midst of joking around during first period, Id still be thinking about Tiffany. It was weird to me at first, but I got used to it. And in the end, I just decided to confess to Yoona, as well. I wanted to confess to Sunny too, but she was close with Tiffany. Its not that I didnt trust her, but I just couldnt take the risk. Sorry, Sunny. But even so, she didnt need me to tell her. Im pretty sure she figured it out. Truthfully, I wanted to tell everyone. But at this point, I havent even told myself yet. The year got even worse as it went on. I thought that my mood swings would stop. But it happened again and again because they werent mood swings at all. It had something to do with you. Hey, Tiff. Lets meet up after school. I cant, I have another committee meeting. Well what about tomorrow? Uh I dont know. I dont want to stand in the way of your responsibilities. I understand. But you always half-heartedly listened to me. The only attention I got was when you needed someone to cheer you up. A lot of times, I was the only one around to do it. Then when you felt better, you ignored me.

This doesnt feel good at all. But why do I even feel so bad? I had no idea.

And I hate that I started to actually dislike Jessica for a while. Jessicas quite nice. I guess Im just a little jealous. Sorry, Jessica. Hey, tell the bus driver to skip my stop today. Ill be staying here with Jessica. Oh sure! Ill uh. Ill see you tomorrow! I sighed and waved. What the heck am I feeling sad for?! Okay, lets go! Jessica dragged you off, not even bothering to wave back. I stuck with my guts and trusted that you wouldnt forget me. Would you? Because you said you would never. Ill take your word for it. ____ But should I have believed you? Should I have trusted you and put my heart at risk? A lot of times it really felt like I was just forgotten. Like I didnt exist. Tiffany! An unknown face ran up to you and smiled while throwing her arms around you. Hey! You laughed and hugged back before starting a conversation. I simply stood there, uncomfortable and invisible, listening to a conversation that was far from short.

Its like as soon as you had another person to entertain you, I wouldnt exist. Youd throw me aside and I would wait until you needed me again. Then I would pick myself up and help you. I was trying to be strong for you. But the weeks just dragged on and on, like there really was no tomorrow or yesterday or next week. Everything was just hell. And thats the experience that taught me something about myself. Things dont get easier. As a matter of fact, they get harder and harder as the years go by. I just got stronger. Well, thats just the nice way of putting it. I think what really started happening was I just got used to feeling terrible all the time so that small things would make my day. I couldnt even tell you why I was feeling so bad. I trust you, I do. But sometimes I just dont want to burden you with my self-pity. So I end up lying to you when you ask me if Im okay. And now, you often ask me if I lie to you or if I ever did. Well, lets look back at the first lie I told. Wait, Taeyeon, you like someone? Uhm, yeah. Who? Tiff, please, Ill tell you when Im ready. But you told other people! Why wont you tell me? Dont you trust me? I do, its just kind of embarrassing. So? I At this point, my mind went blank. I had no idea why it was so hard to say it to you. I mean, for everyone else, I had no problem admitting it. For you, it was weird. I actually cared so much about what you thought of me compared to everyone else. You were different to me. I just couldnt put my finger on why. But eventually you got it out of me. Taemin. Uh, really? Yeah. Of all people, you like Lee Taemin? Tsh, you have strange taste. You laughed.

I honestly thought I liked him. Maybe I did at the time, maybe I didnt. I dont know. And anyone who knew would make fun of me. You have strange taste in guys, Taeyeon. Seohyun smirked. I know, I know. But its weird. I mean, your ex is Leeteuk, but your crush now is Taemin. Theyre like opposites. Hey, its not my choice. It kind of just happens. Eventually those faded away after about a week. But of course, being you, you made fun of me for a whole year. Taeyeon! The teacher called out my name as I stood up to retrieve my essay. Suddenly I felt my pencil being yanked out of my hands. Im borrowing this. Taemin started scratching God knows what on his desk. Hey! Aw, cmon, Taemin. Give it back. Ugh. I groaned and decided to let him keep it. When I turned my face towards you, you sat there with a sneaky grin plastered on your face. Oh shut up, you. I honestly thought that I liked Taemin. But looking back at it now, I think he was just a distraction from what was really going on. I tricked myself. And I wish I didnt because maybe I wouldve realized my feelings for you sooner. Because maybe I wouldve lived in the moment more. Maybe I wouldve appreciated the time we had together more. Youre really good at this game. You laughed before letting your character fall off the screen. I play too much. Its true. I used to play video games almost every hour of the day that I was home. Now, Ive gone months without touching a game and its simply because Im writing. I wish Id known about this, years ago. But I guess, I just played games to take my mind off things. I sat on the couch, smashing away at the buttons on my controller. Ahh, tomorrows the first day after winter break! I finally get to see her again! As I grew older, my interest in playing decreased. Slowly, I started letting myself think. I got closer to realizing what was happening.

Year One Part Three

I would be happy about being able to see you but then not long after, Id feel sad again. It was just the fact that Im reminded of how I dont get to see you that much that makes me sad. I missed you so much that it drove me insane. Every day, I would come home and no matter what I did, I would feel a pain deep in my chest. It didnt matter if I was laughing or smiling, on the inside I was just sad. And at the time I didnt even know why, which made it worse. Well It was more like I didnt want to know why. Because deep inside, I think I knew exactly what was happening. I just couldnt accept it yet. I just knew that I found myself crying when you werent around. When you had special events at school to go to and you werent in class, I felt so lonely. I found myself unable to work or focus when you were sick. But when you were sick, so was I. We were always physically close, too. If one of us got sick, the other would get sick as well. Were even now, eh? I smirked and sniffled at the same time. Yeah, were even. Your voice sounded deeper and rough. Make sure you drink lots of water and wear a sweater at all times! And stay warm! I know, I know! Sorry, I just worry about you a lot. I know that too. You smiled. But you should worry about yourself too. What would I do if I lost you? Youd be fine. No, I wouldnt. I need you! I need you too. I needed you then, and I still need you now. But sometimes you just werent around. Oh my, so did he make you cry? You asked with a concerned face and a hand on my shoulder. Yeah. Aw! Im sorry! I wasnt there for you! You leaned forward and hugged me so tightly that I almost couldnt breathe. Its okay, its okay! Im fine now. I promise Ill be here for you when you need me. I promise Ill be here for you when you need me.

And I kept those words. Ive been keeping them for years, and theres even more to come. Even when it hurt me and even when it would absolutely destroy me, I kept that promise. Ugh, hes there. You frowned and hid yourself behind me. Whats the big deal? Just say excuse me and open your locker. Stop being so shy. I cant. Fany, I know, you like him, but you have to stop being shy. We need to get to class. Fine. You awkwardly reached for your lock while saying the quietest words. Excuse me Hey. He didnt bother to look up and continued stuffing his locker with books from his bag. I rolled my eyes. What a gentleman Eh Ever so slowly, you shifted his locker door over to make room for your own. I watched from behind as you slipped and dropped all of your books on the floor. Smooth, Tiff. He chuckled before closing his locker and walking off. I kneeled down and helped you brush off your binders and notebooks. Hes impossible. You sighed. Why do you even like him? Hes hurting you. No, hes not. He is. I can tell. I dont know why I just do. Is it wrong to wish you didnt like someone? Im sorry. I dont do it on purpose. Back then, I just knew that he was hurting you and seeing you down just made me feel bad. But that could only mean 2 things. Either Im a really great friend, or I like you. Hey, Taeyeon! You smiled and waved at me. Tae?

 Eh, huh? Tae, are you alright? Y-yeah. Im fine. I looked away, waiting for the heat on my cheeks to fade. You giggled and lightly pushed me on the shoulder. I think I just got caught, staring at you. Agh Get these thoughts out of your head, Taeyeon! Get them out! I couldnt get them out. I cant do that. Not even if I tried. And believe me, I did. Hey, Tae, do you wanna go hang out after school? I I cant. Why, not? I have to go home. My mom needs to me do something for her. Aw Pleeeeease. Maybe you can call her and do it later? You pouted, giving me that begging puppy look of yours. I looked into your eyes that were now smiling at me too. Curse your eye smiles. Curse your voice. Curse the way you can control me. I sighed. Alright I guess it can wait. Yay! You cheered and attacked me with another hug that almost pushed me over. Anything for a princess. Even before my realization, I still referred to you as a princess. You always needed me to save you, and I didnt think of that in a bad way. It felt nice to know that you actually wanted me in your life. I just didnt know that one day; Id want you to be a special princess. My princess. You do a lot for me. You broke a long silence as we sat in the stairwell. You do too much. Well, its your fault, isnt it?

Hey Im just kidding. I dont mind. Yes you do. It bothers you. I can tell. You smirked, reminding me of the conversation we had earlier. It really doesnt. Sure, for a while, I have to clear my schedule a little but thats okay. Its for you, so its okay. Your lips curved into a smile. I love you! You grinned. Hey Thats a little embarrassing to say, dont you think? Im sorry I didnt say it back at the time. Nope! Not when its you! I didnt know that now, Id be the one saying it to you as often as if my life depended on it. Bu youre a part of me, arent you? Anything you do, Ill support. Any of my success is shared with you. Hey! I hugged you with one arm around your waist, while holding a sign up with the other. Hey, Tae. Can I have your sweater? Uh, why? I like it. Well, sure, but you have to wait until Friday. I kind of need this for my project here. You know, its got my product logo on it and Im trying to get people to buy stuff. I explained sarcastically. So, is that a yes? Thats a yes. I smiled. Anything thats mine is yours too. Yay! Thank you! You threw both arms around my waist and hugged me tightly. The year ended with me setting a new goal. I wanted my best friend back. I just wanted to get to know you better. I wanted things to be the way they were before. As soon as I got home, I laid myself down on my bed and sprawled my arms and legs across the mattress. I promise. Next year, Ill make it better. Ill make you smile, even if its the last thing I do.

Year Two Part One

I promised myself. Ill make you feel better. Ill be there for you when you need me. Slowly but surely, I started to figure it out. There was more to us than just friendship. It was more than that. It was bigger, better, deeper, more complex. Good morn- I sat down next to you on the bus and found you asleep with your head leaning back. Hm. Sleep well. Shes so cute when shes sleeping. Wait What? Morning. You mumbled, letting your head fall on my shoulder to rest. Stupid heart of mine. What are you doing, now? Did you see a ghost or something? No, more like an angel. After 10 minutes, my shoulder started to ache. Regardless, I refused to move and resisted the bruning sensation that was now spreading to my arm. I looked down, admiring your face for a bit too long. I guess my stomach is going to join my brain in doing funny things. That feels like It cant be. Those arent butterflies are they? I shook the thought away and leaned my head on yours while letting out a tired sigh. Disregarding the pain in my shoulder, I remained as still as I could until our bus had arrived at the front of the school. Is my hair messed up? You lifted your head and looked at me, pointing at the mess on your head. No, it looks fine. I stifled a laugh. Youre lying. No, Im not. It looks fine to me. I chuckled while brushing a few strands of hair back into place. Is there something on my face? Huh? Oh! No, no, nothings on your face. I just. Uh. Nevermind. Youre strange. You laughed before ruffling my hair. I simply smiled back, still feeling a little confused.

Maybe were just really good friends Yeah, thats it. Theres nothing else to it, right? Hey. Did you even get any sleep last night? You furrowed your eyebrows. Huh? Or is there really something on my face? You started to brush your cheeks, chin and nose. Uh- no! Sorry. Its nothing. Im just a little tired. Stop staring at her, you idiot. That happened more and more. It became difficult to resist. It was even harder when you suddenly became more affectionate all the time. Im not looking forward to doing this assignment at all. I groaned. Same here. So do we just do these questions on the first page or do we- What are you doing? I laughed while putting the sheet of questions down. Nothing. You smiled and purposely tried to sway me off balance while you had your arms around my waist. Oh God, people are staring Then again Do I care? Hah, not at all. I admit it. I love the feeling in my stomach and my chest when you smile at me. Its like Im flying. I feel lighter and happier. Its like I forget every single bad thing thats ever happened to me. Its like Love? A few of our friends looked at us and smiled in admiration for the closeness we shared.

Im happy to have her too. I was so happy to have you that I made sure not to let go. I did anything and everything I could for you. Even if it meant trouble for me, Id do it. But I might have pushed myself too far a few times. Tiffany, can we please stop by my locker? My back is killing me and Im carrying 2 textbooks. I shifted my bag to the floor, remembering the fall I had this morning during gym class. Cmon. Its not that far. You shrugged and kept walking. Maybe that wasnt such a good idea. My back hurts a lot. Agh. Maybe I just need to lie down. I caressed the area around my spine before lying down on my bed. After a short nap, it was time for dinner. I sat up, and gasped, feeling an explosion of pain in my lower back. Itll go away in a day or two. Yeah Sit up. My mom tried to diagnose the back pain. I cant. I tried sitting up, crying from the pain in my spine and gave up. I think we need to get you to the hospital. When did this happen? It started hurting yesterday, but I think I made it worse. I told you. You need to start putting your books down at your locker! I know, I know. Ill be fine, mom. I wiped the tears and rolled on my side, using my arms to push myself up. We dont have time to take you to the hospital at this hour. Why didnt you say something earlier?! I didnt think itd get this bad. I tried standing up, feeling my lower back muscles spasm in my attempt. Agh! I fell back down, feeling more pain radiating from my back. You caused the extra pain, sure. But you also helped take my mind off of it. How could I be mad at you? I feel really bad. This wouldnt have happened if I just let you go to your locker. Its not your fault. I guess Im not that fit. Well, its still partially my fault. Turn around. Why? I turned my back to you, being careful not to bend even a little. You know, Ive never seen you sit with such perfect posture before. You chuckled before pushing your fist into my back. Here?

Uh, a little lower down Perfect. I came to love physical contact. Whether it was just a handshake or a hug from behind, I felt like there was electricity running through me every time it happened. It spread out over my entire body and I could even feel it in my chest. Youd accidentally rip things apart and break almost anything you touched but when it came to me, you were so gentle. From brushing my hair out of my face to cleaning a stain on my shirt, you found a way to show it. I need a haircut. I frowned as another piece of hair fell in front of my eyes. Yes, you do! Ugh. Here, let me do it. You reached forward, pushing my hair to the side. Dont cut your hair. I like it this way. But I like it shorter. Its easier to dry. Fine, then. Cut it. See if I care. You pouted. Haha, alright, I wont change it. Sometimes I wondered if maybe we were an unofficial couple. It felt like it. Im so glad we have the same lunch period. I turned my head to you and smiled. Me too. You leaned back, resting your head on my lap, like you always did. Automatically, you tugged on my sleeves, indicating for me to let go of everything and to hug you around the neck. You know, well be graduating soon. We wont be able to do this as often. So lets make the most of it while we can. You closed your eyes. Yeah. Someday youll be gone But thats not going to happen for a long time, right? I cherished the moments we had so much. I wish I could revisit them and relive them but missing it is part of what makes a memory, a good one. So we made new ones. Better ones. We should get matching rings engraved. You know, thats not a bad idea! I snapped my fingers, excited at the idea. Yeah! But what would we engrave in the rings? I always tell you to smile for me. And you always reply with always. Maybe thats what we can engrave. I like it. You smiled.

Me too. Ive been thinking about that a lot, recently. I wonder if you still want those rings. I know mine would hold a lot of meaning in it. We need to measure the finger sizes and everything, though. You pouted. Well, I wouldnt. Im not wearing it around my finger. Why not? For a ring with such sentimental value, Id rather make a necklace out of it because something like that should be worn closer to the heart. Its closer to home and not on a finger, where it can fall off easily. Hm, I like that a lot. Ill get them when I can. That wont be for quite a while, but its worth the wait, huh? Anything for you is worth the wait for me. Id wait an eternity for you if it means that in the end, I get to come home to the smile of an angel. I dont know why the thought of liking you bothered me so much back then. Maybe its because I thought it was weird. It was different and definitely out of the ordinary but not once, did I think it was bad. Why are some people in the world so against this, then? Whats the difference? As far as Im concerned, it only matters that the feelings are sincere. And I think my feelings were sincere. They still are. That probably wont change. I took a little too long to realize this, but eventually I did. And I dont think Ill forget anytime soon, either.

Year Two Part Two

I hated having next to no classes with you. Even if we took the same subjects, the stupid school system placed us in different classes. This was the lucky semester where we had 2 classes in a row with each other. Hey, wheres Tiff? Seohyun asked as I picked a seat directly in front of her. I dont know. Maybe shes in another class? Hey. Taemin greeted us both, placing his chair next to mine. I shouldve sat in the middle. Damn. Seohyun smirked at me, seeing as how out of all the free and better seats in the room, he picked the one next to me. Then you entered the room and I swear I saw your face drop when you saw Taemin, sitting next to me. So you sat down with him between us. Ugh, Taemin, just leave! I was suddenly confused with my own thoughts. Why am I irritated by Taemin? Lee Taemin? My supposed-to-be crush? Did I finally get over this kid or something? I couldnt bring myself to forget that or forget you. Heck, I couldnt even look away when I saw you. Every time I tried, my eyes would automatically trace back to you. It scared me. So I tried avoiding you a little and holding back from these feelings. But then sometimes, I felt like I needed to be around you. It felt like you really needed me too. So I stayed. Hand in your tests everyone! The teacher called as the bell rang. I followed through, collecting my pencil and eraser, and then placing my paper in the pile. Tae I heard your voice call me from behind. As soon as I turned around, I felt a hand on my wrist. You spun me around and pulled me into a hug. T-Tiffany? Are you okay? I froze. No. You tightened your arms around my shoulders. Fany-ah, is it because of the test? Come on, it wasnt that bad. Im sure you did fine. Tiffany? I felt my left shoulder becoming wet. Please dont cry. Its only the first test. There will be other tests! I rubbed your back with my palms, trying to soothe you.

Dear heart, please stop pounding. Its not that I was happy. It was more like seeing you cry broke my heart. It hurt a little. The rest of the students were clearing out of the classroom, rushing for the bell. Before leaving, each of them sent us weird stares and looks of confusion. Im just as confused By now, the second bell had gone, indicating that any students, not in class yet, were late. I gave up with my words and just hugged you back, giving you a squeeze of reassurance. Agh, Im going to be late for music class. I let my arms loosen. No, screw that. She needs me. I tightened my arms around your waist again. After another two minutes, we were the only ones left in the room, with the exception of Sunny who was waiting for you and a few students who desperately needed extra time. Fany-ah, you have to go to class. Youre going to be late. You stepped back, wiping your face of tears while I brushed a strand of hair from your eyes. Are you going to be okay? I smiled, hoping to make you smile too. Yeah. I think so. You sniffled a few times while picking up your backpack. Lets go, then. I put my arm around your waist, guiding you out the door. In the hallway, we retrieved our books from my locker. In the corner of my eyes, I kept myself aware of how you were still reacting. Its like she wants to say something Tiff? Lets go? I closed my locker and my hands automatically returning to the position around your waist. Dont worry about that test. You have way more to come that youll totally ace! You smiled and leaned your head on my shoulder as we walked. You always beat me when it comes to grades, anyway. What are you worried about? But then again My grades arent all that perfect either. We both laughed. Alright, my class is just down the stairs. You should hurry to yours. I stepped back.

Hey. You grabbed my wrist again. Thanks. You hugged me again before leaving. I stood behind you, waiting until you turned the corner. ____ That pain that was always hinting its presence in my chest was gone for a while. Its like it just didnt exist. And I noticed that this year, we were always together. I knew it, too. I just hid it at the back of my mind. What a great way to start off my second year, huh? Even my thoughts about Jessica changed too. I started off year one secretly disliking her sometimes But now, Im incredibly thankful that I met her. Taeyeon, do you know how to do the last question from last nights math homework? Jessica fumbled with her books while talking. Yeah, but I didnt really- Hey, sit down, everyone! The teacher called out, indicating the beginning of class. Ugh, do you think you could explain it to me after school? Yeah, sure, no problem. Where should we meet up? I always meet up with Tiffany after school on Fridays so just look for us in the stairwell near the science classrooms. Ah, alright. Psh. What are you two, dating, or something? What? Nothing What? No way That would never happen. Right? That isnt possible. Shes not a guy And Im straight.

Right? Shes my best friend! Were just good friends! Right? Honestly, I owe it all to Jessica that I know I like you now. Eventually, I escaped denial and I finally figured it out. I finally accepted it. Hey, Taeyeon. Seohyun smiled as I arrived at the door of our classroom. Hey. Did you finish the assignment yet? Yup. Its due tomorrow though, dont worry. Ive been so stressed lately. I swear, teachers plan out certain weeks where they bury me in schoolwork. Oh, hey, its Tiffany! Where? I turned. Oh! H-hey, Tiff! You smiled and waved back. I have so little classes with her, this year. Seohyun sighed. Me too Thud thud thud Oh God, whats happening to me? Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. My face is turning red. My legs are shaking. Stop! Taeyeon Are you okay? Seohyun looked at me weirdly. You looked kind of lost for a second. Y-yeah, I think so. There it is again Theres no way

Is there? Ugh! Who am I kidding? I give up! I give up, okay? I like my best friend! I like my best friend! I love my best friend! Im Im in love with my best friend I wanted to make sure that I wasnt mistaking this for anything else. I even did some medical research But the results showed that fluttering hearts can be caused by the sight of a loved one. And I didnt fit any of the other possibilities Hey, Seo. Is it normal that my heart would randomly start beating really fast for one moment? Uhm, no, not really. Its kind of funny. I can control it with my thoughts. Thats weird When I think of happy thoughts, my heart beats faster. Its pretty cool too. What do you even think about? Sunny laughed while giving me a suspicious grin. You know Happy things. I smiled back. As class started, I sighed and looked in your direction. You. Man, even if I cant see her face, it still makes my heart go crazy. Ah I dont even need to see your face. Youre in my head 90% of the time, anyway. Its kind of impossible to forget. Its especially difficult when you treat us like a couple all the time, too. You smell nice. You nudged your face against my ear while your arms were busy, wrapping around my waist from behind. H-huh? Nothing, nothing! You giggled and squeezed me.

I always wondered if you were afraid of people seeing us. Its a little embarrassing isnt it? But I guess it didnt matter. You always did it when the room was dark. It made me wish that our science teacher would do more demonstrations that required dark lighting. But then sometimes you wouldnt even wait until it was dark. I think were good to go, once we weigh the samples. I- I felt something soft press against my temple and looked up at you, only to find you with puckered lips. You giggled and looked away. I loved being alone with you. Just sitting in that same old stairwell with a view of the empty street wasnt boring at all. In a way, it was romantic. Even if it was a dull day, something amazing would happen, sending me home with a smile on my face. You looked out the window and sighed. Unconsciously, I just stared at you. After a few seconds, I noticed that you were watching my reflection in the window. Our eyes connected through the reflection before you suddenly threw your arms around my waist. I miss this. I reached out and grabbed the railing near the window to maintain my balance. Miss what? I looked at your reflection in the glass. I miss spending time with you. You know, just the two of us. Me too. Well, actually, we spend a lot of time together, you know. I smiled. I mean compared to last year. I thought we grew apart. I thought you forgot me. Well you were wrong. For anyone who doesnt know what it feels like, imagine like youre standing on stage and youre nervous about singing to everyone. Your heart starts racing, your palms get all sweaty, your legs shake, your lips tremble, and your stomach feels really light. Its almost like youre nauseous. But when you throw up, you throw up rainbows Did I mention that you also become really cheesy and stupid all the time? Then its like suddenly, youre super nice to everyone. That warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach spreads and it spreads quickly, too. Did you pack our bags for us? Jiyeon and Jessica looked at me. Yeah, there wasnt much time left until the bell goes. You could get to class quicker if I packed everything. So I did. Aww, youre too nice. Jessica smiled. Hm, its not much. I shrugged.

Thats what happens I guess. When you fall in love with an angle, you become influenced. I think I finally get it. Love songs are only stupid to people who dont know what it feels like. But now that Im here, I get it now. Love really does do all those things to you. It makes you crazy, stupid, weird, nice, loving, and caring and so much more. But its a trade. You risk having your heart broken. I guess I just have to take the good with the bad. And Ill admit it. The good is more than amazing. I returned home and threw my bag on the floor. I sighed as I fell backwards onto my mattress. So here I am again lying down on the bed of my room after a long day and automatically, my thoughts trail back to you. Your face, your smile, your laugh, your hugs, your jokes Agh! This is so frustrating. It sounds so stupid at the same time. I just wish I could hug you and never let you go. I wish I could give you a light kiss and tell you how much I care about you. Its torture, knowing that I cant do that. But you did it. Hey, Sooyoung. Lets go bowling. Huh, really? Yeah, well you wanted to go a while back. Lets do it. Oh, sure! Lets bring Tiff, too. I just wanted you around. And luckily for me, I got more than what I prayed for. Hey, Sooyoung, its your turn. I stood in front of the machine, watching the ball return. I felt familiar arms wrap around my waist again. Hi. You buried your face into my shoulder, muffling your voice a little. I froze. I simply stood there, letting you back hug me while you had no idea what you were doing to me. It wasnt the first time. It wasnt the second, third, fifth, tenth. I lost count. But every time, you wouldnt fail to make my heart flutter while my stomach did summersaults. Just when I thought you were done, you caught me off guard again. Hey, you know when couples in movies share a drink. They have two straws in one drink, right? You asked while stuffing two straws into a soda we decided on sharing. Lets try that. H-huh? Why?

Oh, cmon. Lets try it! We sat down, and set down the drink between us. Alright Slowly, I leaned forward and only managed to take a little sip before I pulled back. Both of us turned away with our faces, flushed red. Thats so awkward! You laughed. On the other hand, I was secretly hoping youd ask to do it again. In one year, you made me join after school club activities. I honestly couldnt care less about what we do during these after school sessions. I agreed, not because I was genuinely interested in it but because I just wanted to spend time with you. In one year, you made me adore love songs which I thought were so stupid. In one year, you turned me into an author who writes love stories. In one year, you made me addicted to your embraces and your touch. In one year, you made me motivated to work hard so I could set a good example for you. In one year, you made me fall for you.

And I fell, hard.

Year Two Part Three

Do you remember on February 25th, 2013 at 10:00PM, what we were doing? We were crying, together. I asked you what would happen after high school. We talked about the possibility of us growing apart. What if we went our separate ways and stopped talking? What if we forgot about each other? I said that its not possible. Because you cant forget what you love the most. You cant forget the reason why youre still alive. Its like forgetting how to breathe. You cant. I promised I would fold you a thousand cranes to show you how much I love you. You laughed. You didnt think I would do it. Honestly, I didnt think I could do it either. Well see. It was test that I put myself up against. If I finished the project, then I truly do love you. If not, then this love is just a phase. Its nothing more than infatuation. Well see. What would you do if I were to die tomorrow? WHAT?! No, no, no! Im not actually dying tomorrow! You laughed. But what would you do if you knew that I would die tomorrow? Hm I dont know I smiled. I think Id just be in shock. I wouldnt know what to do. You dork. You wouldnt even hug me? Ah Well, this is my stop. See you tomorrow! That is, if you dont die. I stepped off the bus and waved back at you. I would spend your last day, trying to make you smile and laugh as much as possible. If you were to die, I want you to die happy. Id take you to a concert, take you to your favourite restaurant, shower you with hugs, tell you jokes, but most importantly, Id tell you how I feel. You make me feel sad, stupid, confused, lost, heartbroken, destroyed, jealous, and frustrated and so much more. But its a good kind of sad because it means I care about you and I miss you. Me being stupid means youve driven me mad with how amazing you are to me. Confused means I worry so much about what would happen to us that I dont know what to think. Lost means Im experiencing something new. Heartbroken means you mean so much more to me than what I know. Destroyed means I try so hard at making you happy that when something doesnt work out, I want to try harder. Jealous means I want you all to myself. Frustrated means Im not giving up, even if it does tick me off sometimes. All of these feelings are hard to control. They make me say things that dont make sense to anyone else but me.

Have you ever said something and then realized how stupid or embarrassing it sounds so you just stopped talking while the listener stares back? Out of nowhere, I broke the silence. Ah Never mind. I shook my head while you suddenly burst into laughter. Whats so funny? You. You kept laughing. Youre really awkward, you know? Well its not my fault! Then whose fault is it? Yours. Its always your fault. I teased. Why is it my fault? Because you make my brain do weird things. Well, tell your brain to not do weird things. I cant tell my brain not to think something. How would I do that? Have a conversation with myself? I smiled. Seeing as it made you laugh, I kept going. Just tell my brain Stop being weird isnt going to work is it? Brains do what they want. Theyre the people who leave carts in the middle of supermarkets. Stop! Stop! You waved your hands in desperation. I cant breathe! Alright, alright. I have to get off anyway. This is my stop. Ill see you tomorrow! I stepped off, unconsciously smiling to myself. I made her laugh. Haha! I made her day better Man, today feels so much better now for me too. What are they looking at? I looked at the two students from another high school who were giving me weird looks. Whats up with that smile, huh? Whats so funny? One of them spoke up while almost shoving me off the sidewalk. Oh This smile? See, this is the stupid smile I have every time I think about her. I cant control it. Its my lovesick smile. Yeah, whats wrong with you? They walked off while laughing. My hearts been stolen of course! Okay, Ill admit it. Ive waited for my parents to leave the house before I can run around and sing love songs as loud as I want. Ive danced down the street and at the bus stop, thinking about you. Ive laid on

my bed, smiling from ear to ear while feeling my heart race because when I close my eyes, I see your smile. Ive woken up from a dream where you held my hand for three seconds and for the rest of the week, I was overly happy. Ive blushed madly when people tell me that were close. Ive done things Ive never done before because I thought that never in a million years, would I fall so hard in love. Another day had arrived and I had lost count of the number of times I lay on my back, smiling at the thought of you. Im seriously convinced that Im in love. I mean All of my past crushes would make me nervous. Theyd make me smile, laugh, blush, feel temporarily happy when I was around them. But only you could fill my stomach with butterflies even if youre a thousand miles away. Only you could make me stutter like an idiot or make my brain malfunction with a smile. This is new and its different. I dont know what it is exactly. Maybe its love? Maybe Im going crazy. But love isnt love if its not crazy, right? Theres one thing that always bothers me. What if I have so many confessions to tell you. You suddenly blurted out. What?! Ill tell you later. O-okay then I looked away. Oh my God, what if she likes me? What if she tells me? No, no. Thats ridiculous. Why would she ever like me? Does she? Agh

I decided not to bother you about it. If you needed to tell me really badly, you would. After a week, I found myself at your house, watching a movie with you as you rested your head on my lap. So last week You said you had a lot of things to tell me. What did you need to tell me? Oh I felt your neck and body stiffen up. You sighed. Its nothing. Are you sure? You can tell me anything. Yeah. Its nothing. What if you really wanted to tell me that you liked me? What if for one second, you felt a connection between us that wasnt the usual connection between friends? What if you felt that? What if you just didnt say anything? I wish you wouldve just told me. But in a way, you kind of did, if you did like me anyway. Maybe you were scared so you tried to do it as subtly as possible. Tiffany: Taeyeon!!! I saw my phone light up with a text message. I smiled upon seeing that the sender name was Tiffany. Taeyeon: Ah, yes? Tiffany: Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you. Taeyeon: Oh, well its nice speaking with you too (: Tiffany: Whatcha doin? Taeyeon: Math. Tiffany: Didnt you start like 5 hours ago? Taeyeon: Yep Tiffany: You dont even have summer school! I cant believe youre willing to learn math over the summer. Youre crazy. Taeyeon: Im only crazy about one thing, and thats you. Tiffany: Hehehe, Im crazy about you too! Youre really the only one I text often. Taeyeon: I dont text anyone else in my own will. Hahaha. I miss you. Tiffany: I miss you too. I dont like summer school. If I didnt have to go, I could see you more often! Taeyeon: Well, dont worry about it! Well find a way. We always do! And just like that, we ended up texting each other until midnight.

Taeyeon: Im tired. Tiffany: Same here. Taeyeon: Go to bed. Kids need to learn about sleeping beauty. Tiffany: >///< Yah. Thats so cheesy. Taeyeon: Hey, fluff is my thunder! I cant not be fluffy. Tiffany: Ah, yes, my little fluff ball. Do what you must, then. I dont mind ;) Taeyeon: Well, okay, then. Youre beautiful c: Tiffany: Youre just saying that. Taeyeon: Nope! I promise you, everything I do is in my intention to make you happy. Tiffany: Awwe, I think Im the happiest person alive when Im with you. Even if its just on the phone too! Promise accepted! Taeyeon: Hahaha, when Im with you, Ill make every second count! C: I promise. Tiffany: x) Thanks. Taeyeon: I cant exactly give you a pinky promise right now, but Ill give it to you the next time I see you. Tiffany: And thats tomorrow. I even promised you to promise you something else. I didnt forget. Is this seat taken? Huh? I dont see a- Thanks. You plopped yourself on my lap and grinned. Hey, Tiffany. Seohyun waved at you. Can you believe it? Were already done our second year of high school. You sighed and leaned back on me. I know! Man, its gone by fast. Seohyun chuckled. OH! I just remembered. I stuck out my pinky. I owe you this. I smiled as we hooked our fingers together. I promise. Seohyun admired the sight, grinning at how close wed become over the years.

She never knew what on Earth we were talking about. She just knew that we were really mushy all the time that it was almost weird. But it made her smile. She said she doesnt like love stories. Shes not a major character, but shes a part of one now. You know, Ive never kissed anyone. I never felt the urge to do it, even when I was with Leeteuk. Sure, he was my boyfriend but I never wanted to. Its not like I was opposed to it. I just never felt like there was a right moment. But with you Were not even in a relationship Officially that is. But for some reason, Ive wanted to kiss you. Even though its something Ive never done before, and I dont even know how it works exactly. But Ive found myself wanting to lean in and capture your lips, regardless of who was around to watch. Try doing this. I pressed my fingers on the keyboard, making two perfect fourth notes. Ah, that sounds better, hahaha. Yoona chuckled, continuing with the random practice as we both kneeled on the floor of your house. Yeah, doesnt it? I just-AH I jumped and laughed at the same time. Hey! Hehehe Even after so long, youre still super ticklish. You grinned before pulling me down to sit in front of you. You grabbed my hands and pulled us together. Thats thats really close. Dont kiss her. Dont do it. Not here. No. Awkwardly, I just leaned in and hugged you. Sometimes I wonder what wouldve happened. What if I just kissed you right there? I regret not doing it then. Because I feel like you wouldve kissed back.

Year Three Part One

Hey, Tae. You smiled while curling up your ear buds around your fingers. Hey, Tiff! I smiled back. Our bus is kinda late today. Oh well. You took the ear buds and made an arch shape with them. Slowly, you lifted it to my face and started giggling. It looks like a blue mustache. You continued laughing and didnt stop after 10 seconds. Hey Its not that funny. Yes it is! I moved forward, leaving a kiss on your fingers. Instantly, you retracted your hands as your face flushed red. You laughed awkwardly while stepping back a little. Hey, should we look for the bus? Yeah. We walked up and down the front area of the school, still unable to see any sign of the bus. Man, where is our bus? I complained while trying to look over the heads of tall students around me. It probably isnt here yet, Tae. Tiff, maybe we should just wait inside? I turned my head and shrugged. Maybe we sh- You were cut off when someone shoved you from behind. You pulled your head back in reaction and your cheeks became even redder than before. Uhm. Uh. You just almost stole my first kiss. We had so many awkward but lovely moments. Im so tired. I dont know what Im going to do when I get home. Leave that for later, its okay. I smiled, looking deep into your eyes. Until this day, I thought eyes were just eyes. Theyre just little spheres in our heads with nerves attached that we use to see things. But I realized that theyre natures work of art. Your eyes are beautiful. They are.

I sat there, brushing your hair back and playing with it while admiring your brown eyes. You lay there with your head on my lap, staring right back at me. Have you ever felt what its like to hold something so precious in your hand? Maybe its something tiny or really fragile, but its something you want to guard with your life. Its just too wonderful to let go of. Thats what I felt at this moment. I was blessed to have you in my life, and even more so since you enjoyed spending time with me. I could stay like this forever and Id be happy. I sighed. You giggled in reaction. I laughed and turned away shyly when I realized how lovesick I was acting. Youre just so precious to me. Even though youre the one who controls me, I still think youre the one who needs to be cared for. But its okay. I like it. I need you around me. Youre like an addiction to me. I used to be so hooked on playing video games but in a snap, I stopped. Why? Because I wanted to write about you. You are my inspiration; my motivation. Youre the reason I do what I do. Youre also the reason why I do bizarre things. Arent you kind of spoiling her? Sooyoung asked. I shrugged. Sure. But thats because I really like her. And honey, I dont care if I end up broke. As long as youre here beside me, Ill be okay. But after a while, I realized that my dream was short lived. Great moments dont last forever. And I guess mine came to an end. I swear, I thought our feelings were mutual. I thought you felt the same way about me. Friends dont hold hands, cuddle, share excessive amounts of hugs, text each other late at night or say I love you every night before bed. We did. But for some reason, you went and got yourself a damn boyfriend. Tae!! You called to me in a higher voice while stretching my name. Hm? You should come to the dance too. Uh, no thanks. Why not? Just get someone to ask you. Its not that, Fany-ah. I just dont want to go. Why? The only person I wanted to go with already has a date. I forced a smile and shrugged.

 Speechless, you just threw your arms around my waist and buried your face into my shoulder. Im sorry Wait Did I just give it away? Why did I say that? Im sorry. You looked at me apologetically. Oh, no. Do you still like Taemin? I thought you got over him! Taemin? What? No, its you! Oh You still think I like him It takes time. I lied. Aw Well, dont worry. Youll find someone. I did. But unfortunately, you havent found me. Surprisingly though, a lot of people werent attending the dance this year. Im not going. Are you going to the dance? Sooyoung asked. No Why not? I dont want to pay, I hate dressing up, and Well The only one I want to go with is already going with someone else. Aw, are you still not over Taemin? Its okay Youll find someone. I wasnt talking about him but sure. Lets pretend its Taemin. Who is it, Tae? Tell me!!! I dont know about this Please? Ill give you a hint. I ended up telling Sooyoung almost everything. I spared her a lot of the moments we shared alone. I dont think she wants to hear about how cheesy we are. But I added the first person to the list of people Id tell.

I just needed a way to let things out. Sure, I did that through my stories online. But I needed to tell someone I knew in real life. But that still didnt take the pain away. I hate my life. I sighed as I threw my backpack on the floor and collapsed onto the bed after returning home. Another day, another crack. My heart is in pieces again. I turned and lay on my stomach, burying my face into my pillow. What do I do? Ugh, what now? My phone vibrated loudly on the bedside table. Annoyed, I reached for it and unlocked it. Text message from you Why? My phone vibrated again. I didnt bother to read the message. I couldnt. Whatever it was, it would emotionally destroy me for the third time today. ____ Another day Another terrible day Im nowhere near ready. I squeezed out the last few tears before wiping them with the back of my hand. Before I knew it, the bus turned around the corner with twenty minutes until school starts. I made my way to the middle of the bus, seeing how it was the only empty seat available. Before I even reached it, the bus driver pulled off, causing me to trip and scrape knees on the edge of a seat. As usual, nobody was awake to watch, but it felt horrible anyways. Ignoring the stinging feeling on my knees, I sat down in the empty seat and closed my eyes. I miss seeing you in the morning. God this hurts. Now, my knees hurt too. ____ Physics, world religions, functions, computer science The school day began as I entered the building. Throughout first and second period, I was simply struggling to stay awake. My eyes were burning and sore from crying while also helping you solve homework problems in the middle of the night.

I quickly ate my lunch and walked to math class as I sat down while letting out a long sigh. Recently, you had been breaking my heart repeatedly and more than usual. As the days went on, it only got worse and worse. Hey, Tae Tae! You greeted me cheerfully as you sat down in the seat next to me, the girl who was on the verge of tears. Hey. I know you can tell that Im not alright. Somethings bothering me? Whats so different then? Like every day, you greet me with your same beautiful smile. You find ways to do anything to make my heart race. You do things to make my heart break. I raised my head and found myself staring again. You are beautiful. I smiled as I welcomed the butterflies into my stomach yet again. Unable to avert my gaze, I continued to stare as I propped my chin with my hands. Honestly, I didnt care about the lesson that was going on. That is why this is the vertex. Beautiful Now, if you have been paying attention Thud thud thud Most of you should be able to factor this. Heart attack MISS KIM. After a round of stuttering and senseless babbling about quadratic equations, the teacher let me go. With that, I slumped into my chair. For the rest of the lesson, I kept my eyes aimed at my notebook and pretended to write. Hwang Mi Young I wrote the characters out neatly and drew a heart next to them. Beautiful. I wrote under your name. Friendly. Smile.

 I love you. I looked up at you and sighed before erasing what I had written. Its a funny thing. No matter how much it hurts me to think about us, I always find myself back at square one. I always end up having butterflies in my stomach, thinking about you. Maybe thats how it was meant to be. Maybe Im supposed to love you. And maybe youre supposed to be oblivious to it. The bell rang, marking the end of first period. I closed my notebook and walked towards the door, bag and books in hand. I trudged my way to my locker, shoved my math materials inside and pulled out my computer science binder. As soon as I looked up, my locker was slammed shut in my face. Whoa! I turned in surprise to see you, wearing a grin. C-close! Thats really close! Hey. Your voice was oddly deep and slightly more husky than usual. H-h-hi. Feeling your breath on my face, and your hands on my shoulders, my brain short-circuited. You leaned in closer and closer. Close! Close! C-c-close! Suddenly, a large smile spread across your face and you turned away. Before I could register what had happened, you were out of sight. Heart attack, much Ah Thats what you did to me. You wrecked me. You destroyed me. You built up my feelings again. Then you ruined me. And how? This is how. I cant wait for later! Ah! We havent done anything together in so long! You cheered. Same here. I smiled in return, admiring the fact that maybe you never really grow up. In that very same day, you came back with news of a guy asking you out. I think it wouldve bothered me less if he wasnt the one guy in the whole entire school that really gets on my nerves. That was the day we were supposed to watch a movie together. But good old Nichkhun showed up. And guess who ended up third wheeling her own date? Me. I feel like such a third wheeler. Sunny turned to me after looking at the new couple on her left. You? Really? I got kicked out of my own seat too. I have no idea what that movie was about. The entire time, I sat there one seat away from you, silently crying. When I finally returned home, I didnt hold anything back. I just lay there, letting the tears flow.

How could I have been so stupid? I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep. But of course, I woke up in the middle of the night and cried some more. I hated doing this. And guess what? This went on every other day for three weeks. My heart was just in pieces. It hurt too much. You need to eat something, Taeyeon. My mom brought me a plate of fruits. I didnt feel hungry. I just wanted to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Sleep is temporary escape. When I wake up, its only a matter of seconds before I realize that were not together. Ill realize that we will never happen. School is my escape as well but its also a trap. I can take my mind off you and him but at the same time, Ill see you there with him too. And Id watch myself slowly disappear from your life. Okay, everyone, pack up. The teacher erased the writing on the board and sat down. Bye, Seohyun! I waved before she left and walked over to your desk. Do I need this? Yes. How about this? That too. You know what Forget this. You shoved everything into your backpack and zipped it up before lifting it onto your shoulder. Lets g- Hey, Tiff. Ready? Nichkhun smiled and approached you. Yup, lets go! You walked past me and spoke without looking. See ya, Tae. Okay Ouch. I sighed and stood up. Looks like Ill be walking alone today. I walked through the crowd of people in the hallway, holding back tears while being shoved left and right. Now, when I leave math class, I just run. I cant bear to see it. If I dont, Ill start crying again. But you know Despite the pain, the trouble, the inconvenience, the work and the humiliation you put me through, I still proved to you that I loved you. Even if I had to redo my homework because my tears smudged the

writing, I still cared. I cared so much. I loved you so much. And you know what? I did it. I proved it to you. Those one thousand cranes I promised Every day I sat down to fold a few until I finished them. It took me a total of about 258 hours to fold you a thousand paper cranes. I folded them so delicately and perfectly. Many of which I folded while crying. But I finished them. And on your birthday, I handed them to you. I put them in the nicest box I could find and attached 6 sticky notes on the lid. I gave them to you. You read the note. Sunny told me you cried. I cried while writing those words. When I told you, you asked me why. Its because I meant every single word I wrote on those pieces of paper. I wrote them down and they came straight from my heart without being filtered by my thoughts. It wasnt a confession.

But it was pretty damn close.

Year Three Part Two

I still remember the look on your face that Thursday. Your eyes lit up as soon as you saw those bright colours inside the box. Then I showed up at the door of your second period class, like I did every day. And the second you saw me, you broke into a smile. I hadnt seen you smile like that in a long time. Wow. She looksbeautiful today. Thud thud thud Oh man Thudthudthudthudthud Even if I would be crying my eyes out at home and I knew that you were bad for me, my heart still wanted you. I think it was because even if you had a boyfriend, you still treated me like your lover. Id rather die than do all of this work, ugh. You groaned after kicking your bag. What? But eh I was kidding! I I figured that out. Do I say things that catch you off guard? You chuckled. I looked down before answering shyly. Yeah. All the time? All the time. Aww! Well, come here. You leaned over and hugged me. Are you scared that Ill leave? Leaning back, you looked at me with our faces only inches apart. Mmh I looked away, feeling my face burn. Well, I promise I wont. You smiled while sliding down and resting your head on my lap. Then Ill be okay. I smiled back and brushed a few strands of hair out of your eyes. You even showed skin ship. Ill see you tomorrow! You hugged Nichkhun before he walked off. Hey. You stepped on the bus and smiled at me. There goes my brain again. Melting away

H-hi. I looked at you as you stood there for a few seconds without moving. Uhm Can I sit with you? Huh? I looked around the bus. Oh! Right, theres uh. Theres no room. I shifted over, keeping my head down to hide the redness of my cheeks. Hey, do you wanna come hang out soon? Im going out to dinner with Jessica, Donghae and Nichkhun. Uhm, no thanks. Fifth wheeling, huh? I think I just set world record Thats too bad. You smiled, looking almost apologetic. So how was your day today? You took my hand and played with it, as usual. Boring. And Im super tired. Yeah, me too. I think I need to sleep earlier. I cant survive on less than 7 hours of sleep. Ive been getting less than 4. Youre lucky. Hey, Im not used to sleeping so little! I know, I know. You intertwined our fingers. Is this happening right now? You okay? Youve been quiet, lately. You gently squeezed my hand. I-Im fine. Really. I forced a smile, keeping my hand limp. Maybe you just felt like you needed a hand to hold that day. But then again, maybe not. The next morning, I stepped on the bus and sat down in our usual seat. Good morning, sleepyhead. Wait, no, Im the sleepyhead today. Hey, Ive had way less sleep than you. Ive had so much to do. You held my hand again. Im sure youll be fine. You always make it. No, YOU always make it. You squeezed my hand again for reassurance. Believe me; you have nothing to worry about. This time, I returned the squeeze.

As stupid as this sounds, our hands fit together so perfectly. You have special hands. Theyre not particularly smooth or perfectly formed. But theyre gentle and soft On top of that, you still worried about me like you always did. TaeTae Are you sad? No. Are you tired? Yeah. I slid down, slumping in my seat. That means youre sad. I shrugged. Why? You tugged on my sleeve, wearing a concerned face. I sighed and looked at you, unsure of what to answer. Tell me Please? Whats bothering you? Its nothing. Dont worry about me. After a few rounds of your pleading and my shrugs, you gave up. I simply looked away and sighed. How could I tell you when youre the reason behind it? But I think as of now, I havent reached my limit yet. I can hold out. Well, its not like Ive got a choice. My religion tells me that love is an act of the will. Its never unintentional. I disagree. I didnt mean to feel like this about you. I dont mean to do crazy things for you. I just always find myself doing them. And the things I say or think are things that would never cross my thoughts in the right mind. But I guess Im not in the right mind. Would you rather become blind or deaf? Jiyeon asked, out of the blue. For such a simple question, I gave it a lot of thought. I mean If I cant see, I wont know where Im going If I cant hear, Ill have trouble with talking to people. Man, it would be troublesome either way. But then again, people could write out what they want to say. But if Im blind, I just see black for the rest of my life. Id rather be blind. I finally said, almost ignoring her answer. Why?

When I ran that question through my head, all I could think of was two options. I could pick being able to see you, but being unable to hear you. Or I could have the ability to hear your voice but I wont be able to look at my favourite face in the world. I think Id rather be blind. I know youre beautiful already. I could survive without being able to see you, as long as I know youre there. But if I cant hear you, its like watching a television screen on mute. Youre not really there to me because I cant feel your presence. Anyone can force a smile when theyre down but nobody can mask being hurt in the tone of their voice. If I can make you laugh, it means youre happy, at least in that moment. As long as I can hear the sweet words that you always say and listen to the sound of your laughter, Ill be okay. But something really bothers me all the time. I always remind myself of the time you said you wanted to tell me something. I feel like you wanted to confess to me. I feel like you would tell me that you felt something new around me and you werent sure if we were just friends or not. Even now, Im not sure. The words you say to me make me melt. Lets take a break from everything. Lets travel somewhere, together. One day, well do it. I smiled back at you, admiring the light in your eyes. I promise that as soon as I can afford it, Ill take you on a trip around the world. Really? Well go to Los Angeles, New York, San Francisco, Florida, Japan, Paris, Mexico, London, anywhere you like. You name it and Ill get us there. One day I promise I will. Honestly, I couldnt care less where we go. We could be watching the sunset at the top of the Eiffel tower, eating hotdogs at a monster truck rally or floating around near Pluto. I dont care. I just want to be with you. But I realized that the chances of that happening were so slim. I stopped going to the after school clubs you asked me to join. The only reason I joined in the first place was because I just wanted to see you. Now, youre too busy for that. And it makes me feel sad when I look into that same room on Fridays. Its full of people but without you, it just feels empty. When people ask me why I dont like staying after school, I tell them that Im tired. The real reason is school just isnt the same without you. Sure, I have one class with you and I see you between periods in the hallways but thats just enough for a wave or smile. Every morning, I board the bus and my face drops when I see that your seat is empty. So I sit down with a sigh and fall asleep while on my phone, I play music that reminds me of you. I see you every day but I miss you terribly. So I started asking for advice.

Hey, Yoona. Can I ask you something? I sighed. If youre in love with someone and they dont know But they like someone else and it hurts you, should you tell them? Thats a difficult question Its not easy to tell them but you should do it anyways. Why? Is it because they at least deserve to know? Well that and you wont regret not telling them. You dont have to spend the rest of your life wondering about what wouldve happened. I decided that before we went our separate ways after high school, I would confess to you. Its the only way I can find an answer. Then after this realization, I think I started recovering. Or maybe I just got used to feeling absolutely horrible all the time. But regardless, I didnt stop doing things for you. Id go out of my way just to make you smile a little. Tiffany: Taeyeonie!!! Please, help! I dont understand this question! Or all the ones after it! Taeyeon: Fany, this is the first question out of 20 Tiffany: I know. Taeyeon: Oh, my Tiffany: Please! Ahhh, I dont get anything. I sighed and looked at the clock. 11:43pm Taeyeon: Alright, I guess I have time. Alright so this is how you do it After finally going through all of the questions, I lay in my bed, exhausted from texting answers and explanations. I looked at the clock again. 2:47am Taeyeon: Alright, I guess were done, huh? I think we should go to bed. Its late. Tiffany: It is. Ill see you tomorrow, then! Taeyeon: Ah, goodnight then! Sweet dreams and dont stay up too late! I love you! Tiffany: Goodnight! I love you too! ^^ I smiled at the last message and gently placed my phone on the bedside table. Of course, the next morning, I woke up and grabbed my phone. Taeyeon: Good morning, beautiful (:

I sent the daily text and dragged myself out of bed, around the house and on the bus. Good morning! You greeted me with a bright smile, yet with faint circles around your eyes. Youre tired. I chuckled. Yes, I am, but at least I got the work done! With that, we both slumped down in our seats and slept. As soon as the bus arrived, we stepped off and I tugged on your textbook, indicating that I would hold it for you. Hey, can you come with me to my locker? But I have to go to mine too! And- Hmph, fine. You pouted. Alright, alright. Can we go to mine first? Yup! You instantly smiled again, skipping in front of me. From carrying your books to buying you lunch, I took every opportunity to make your day better. I cant wait to go home. Im exhausted. I sighed and stretched before packing up. Taeyeonnie!! You called at me again with your playfully whiny voice. Argh. Too cute. Yeah? Can you stay after school with me? Uh, why? I was going to have a committee meeting but it was canceled and I have to until 4:30 for my uncle to pick me up. Alright. I answered after hesitating for a second. I am so whipped. My mood was really like a rollercoaster. One day, Id be incredibly happy and then on the next I could be on the verge of tears. I decided to write down something about you every once a while. My results are as follows. I need to tell you something is by far the scariest set of words Ive ever heard. To you, it means youre getting a secret off your chest. To me It means yet another blow to my heart. It means Ill spend the night crying until I fall asleep. It means Ill feel like giving up on us. It means Ill feel like

everything Ive done for you is a waste. It means you still dont know how I feel because if you did, Im sure you wouldnt do this. Would you? That line is like being condemned to be executed. I can only sit here and wait for whats bound to happen. Well never be together. I know that. But the fact that Im unable to let go has to mean something. Maybe its my fate to be in love with someone who can never return my feelings. Did I something wrong to deserve this? Sometimes I wonder Can you sense it? Can you sense the tension between us? There are times where I just sit down and think. About me, about you and about us. And I always end up feeling hurt. Yet somehow, I cant help but care for you and do anything you ask. You use me, you ignore me, you lean on me constantly, you complain to me, you interrupt me, you distract me, and you hurt me. But thats because I let you. I often wonder why but I know its simply because I love you. Im afraid to feel happy sometimes Im scared that once I do feel happy, the inevitable truth will hit me and spoil the moment. Hey, I know that this sounds stupid but I think of you a lot. And when I think of you, I get this weird feeling in my chest and my stomach. And I just want to hug you really badly. I think theyre called butterflies. Its such a great feeling. Sometimes Ill see you talking to him. And for the next few days, no matter where I go or what I do, I feel a pain in my heart that doesnt go away for what feels like a long while. The w orst part is you dont even know. Im not brave enough to tell you because Im too scared of losing you. Love is a rare thing. You have to hold onto it when you find it. I heard that phrase in some advertisement for an airline company. But I have to admit that it hit me like a train. Should I hold on? It hurts like crazy but at the same time, it feels as great as what I imagine flying to be. I dont know anymore. That first one I need to tell you something. You said it to me again. But when I asked you what it was, you said you forgot. But I know you didnt. You knew very well what it was but you hesitated to tell me. Believe me, it drove me insane. I wanted to know so badly what you wanted to tell me. I realized maybe not that much changed after you started dating Nichkhun. It hurt me, yes but we still had our moments. And everywhere I went, I still sang love songs out loud. You, know, Taeyeon. Youre not bad at singing. Actually, youre pretty good. Youre not amazing yet, but youre pretty good. Jessica gave me a thumbs up. Im a bit better when I sing alone. Being warm also helps I shivered and shoved my hands deep into my pocket. Its easy to sing when you have a reason to sing or something to sing about. Its hard when the one you love doesnt know you love them. Its difficult to cheer you up when I cant tell you how I feel.

Agh, I regret wearing this. This dress makes me look bad. You buried your face into your hands while showing me the picture on your phone. Youre kidding right? You look pretty. I laughed. More like absolutely stunning and drop dead gorgeous. No, Im gross. Argh! Youre kidding right? No, youre very pretty. And thats saying a lot because I never call anything pretty. Are you calling me a liar? Beauty is a matter of opinion. Why wont you believe me when I tell you that youre beautiful? If you werent beautiful, would I still lay on my bed every night with a lovesick smile on my face, just thinking about you? Would I smile uncontrollably every time you said hello? Would I always have this feeling deep inside my stomach where the only words to describe it are that I wish I could hug you tightly and tell you how much you mean to me? Would my heart pound every time you put your arms around me? Would I be breathless every time you smiled at me? Would I blush profusely every time you hinted at the slightest bit of affection towards me? No. Because to me, beautiful isnt even based on your face or your body. Its based on who you grew up to be. The more I come to love your personality, the more beautiful you become in my eyes in more ways than one. I guess Im just lucky that your facial features are angelic as well. But every time I try to tell you this, you just say Youre just being nice. If I were just being nice, Id just silently listen to you without disagreeing. I think youre very pretty. I dont believe you. You frowned. Ill prove it to you. How? I just will. Somehow. Ill show you what you look like through my eyes. I looked at you with determination. When I realized how awkward I made everything, I looked away, hoping you wouldnt notice that my face was burning red. Alright, then. Prove it to me, one day. Ill believe you if you can do that. You smiled. I will. I wore my best look of determination. I want to be the one who makes you feel beautiful. Im trying. Just give me a little time. Ill show you how great you really are. Youll see.

Well, good luck. You placed your hand on my cheek, turning my head to look at you. A-ah. W-what are you doing? Playing with your face. Why are your cheeks so warm? Theyre red too! What? Ah. Uhm. The wind? You raised an eyebrow at me. Its not every day that you get to tell an angel that shes beautiful. I looked away again. Its kind of embarrassing. Dont worry! Its cute! You laughed at my reaction. Although we still had these moments, I was confused and heartbroken. Jessica really didnt help, either. Hey, guys! Jessica smiled and waved at us before dragging us aside. So Tiff How was the date last night? Instantly my smile faded. Wow, Jessica. Thanks. Uhh Fun? You smiled while blushing. Oh my gosh, Taeyeon, arent they sooooo cute? Yeah. She doesnt care about this stuff. You laughed and playfully shoved me. Its not that, its just Ah, nevermind. I tried walking away but Jessica hooked her arm around mine and kept me in place. Stay. So, Tiff. Are you guys like A thing, now? No Not yet. Well, wouldnt you want to be with him? I wouldnt mind if I was You smiled again, shyly. Awww! Thats so cute! Stop! You squeezed your eyes shut and turned away, embarrassed. Not wanting to hear any more, I turned and walked to my classroom. Unfortunately for me, you both followed me, still keeping the topic in place.

Id rather fall off a skyscraper right now. I thought itd stop right there. But it didnt. The conversation followed be throughout the entire day. How was your test yesterday? Not good You sighed. Im sure you did fine. Youre always perfectly fine. I smiled and sat down, pulling out my lunch. Trust me, I didnt do well. But youre smart! And youre hardworking! Not at all. But thanks for the compliment, eh? You sat down and playfully punched me in the arm. Hi! Jessica joined the table and sat down across from us. Soooo Tiff, hows Nichkhun? Oh my gosh GO AWAY, WILL YOU? Despite the frustration, I smiled politely and turned to Yoona for a conversation to distract myself. Nichkhun Adorable Perfect You guys should make it official My goodness, Jessica, stop! For the love of God! Could you spare my heart just this once? I realized that I really needed to do one thing and its one thing that I still need to do. I wish I could turn off sound and then scream everything I need to scream. I sighed to Yoona who, just like Sooyoung, had become another person to turn to for advice. Yeah. A mute button for the world, huh? Thatd be nice. Honestly, why doesnt that exist? It should exist. What do I do? I really like her and I dont know if I should tell her or not. Im scared that the reaction wont be good and we wont be friends. Well you cant just leave high school without them knowing. Thats true. And again, I tried showing you how I cared. But that only slapped me in the face. Im cold. You rubbed your arms.

Oh, would you like my sweater? No, no, its fine. No, here. Take it. I removed it and tossed it in your direction. Instead of putting it on, you only slid your arms into the sweater and pressed your face into it. What are you doing? I laughed, seeing the way you were acting. It smells nice. After so many years, your scent hasnt changed. You smiled. Uh, yeah! I turned away, blushing a little. Shes adorable, isnt she? Jessica butted in. Taeyeon never calls me cute. You pouted. Hm Youre cute. I smiled in return. Isnt she? Nichkhun chimed in from the side. She always is. Aw, you guys. Jessica squealed, watching the couple before her. Okay Ow. I took that as a signal for me to leave. I sat down in my seat, shivering a little. When that didnt work, I even tried praying for answers. I sat down on the church pew, taking off my jacket before kneeling to pray. Honestly, I dont know why I go to church. I couldnt care less. I know I am religious in name but honestly I really dont care. But even if my beliefs arent completely solid, I do pray. I pray all the time because I pray for you and that if there truly is some powerful being up there, I want Him to protect you. Even if it means that Hes unable to save me, youre safe. Youre alive. Youre happy. Im happy. ____ Hey, Tiff, this is my class. Are you going to be alright on your own? Yeah, I think Im going to be okay. Ill see you later then! I extended one arm out and hugged you. Bye. You pulled back but then pulled me back in. Instead of another hug you planted a kiss on my cheek.

Oh- I looked at you with a shocked expression. In response, you blushed and turned around to leave. Wait, what was that for? Hey! You didnt reply. You kept walking. Hey! Whats happening? ____ I opened my eyes and sat up. Damn. I sighed and shifted my feet off the bed. That felt so real. Feeling the pain return to my chest, I stood up and sighed again before continuing with my day. I think theres already been more than enough proof and anyone reading this knows but when I start seeing you in my dreams, I can say that Ive officially gone insane. I started this story hoping that youd never read it. Maybe in the future if we somehow ended up together, then Id show you. But now, Im not sure if I want you to read it or not. I want to hide it in case it could ruin what we have. But I also want to you show you what youve done to me. I want you to know how I feel about you and what you look like in my eyes. And hey. Beauty is a matter of opinion, right? Well this is my opinion of you.

Youre beautiful.

Year Three Part Three

Im scared You whimpered a buried your face into my shoulder while squeezing me around the waist. Me too Honestly, I hate being scared and horror movies or scary games never appealed to me. I really dont like being scared. But I think Im starting to like these things Wahh! You threw the remote aside and covered your face. I simply sat there and recorded your reaction. Aw Youre so cute when youre scared. With another enemy popping up on the screen, you screamed and reached for me. Okay I think Ill play from now on, hahaha. I patted you on the back. Because if it means I get to spend time with you for a while, its worth it. Im folding you stars. You smiled before pointing at the bottle on the table. I smiled back. Theyre beautiful. Kinda like you. You have no idea how much I wanted to hug you at that moment. Youre so close that I could easily do it by just swinging my arms around, surrounding you in an embrace. But youre so far away in the sense that maybe youd push me off. It really brought me down. Taeyeon, wake up. Its almost noon. My father yelled at me from the door of my bedroom. Ill be up in a second. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I miss you. But you probably havent thought about me at all for the past few days. Do I even matter anymore? I could die right now, and it wouldnt make a difference. A married man who dies would leave trouble for his wife to take care of the children. A teacher would need to be replaced. If I suddenly disappeared, I would just be erased. Itd be like I never existed. Nothing holds deep attachments to what I am. I dont matter. I sighed and looked around at the environment outside my window. Snow-covered trees used to be beautiful to me. Now I see them as just foliage with frozen water. Theres nothing more to it.

But thats how life is, is it not? Inevitably, we all die. The snow on top just covers death with happy memories if youre lucky. Im pathetic. Youre all it takes to turn my life upside down. I hate this. I hate having to hold everything in. Tae, if somethings bothering you, why dont you just tell me? Because I cant. Why not? You pouted, but I looked away quickly, avoiding the effects of your eyes. I just cant. Well, let it out. Its not good to keep it all in. Let it out and if not to me, tell someone else. Please. I dont want to watch you suffer. I do let it out. I write. Well, Ill be reading about it soon, then. Well Shoot. But I dont think you read all this. You dont read what I write. You havent read anything Ive written in a long time. Should I be happy or sad about that? I dont know. Sometimes you look at me and something about your eyes turn me into a puddle of cotton candy. Something about your name makes my heart skip a beat every time I see it or hear it. Something about your laugh makes my heart flutter. Something about your touch makes me shiver every time I feel you hold my hand or lean your head on my shoulder. Something about you crying breaks my heart. Something about you being with him makes me depressed. They tell me I should let go while I still can; before I get sucked in too far in this mess. But something about thinking of letting you go brings me down. Something about the thought of how youll never love me back hurts me deeply. Something about how Im only just a friend to you makes me feel hopeless. And something about having just a year left with you makes me want to stop time. I dont want to live my life with my heart locked up with you because I didnt confess but I also dont want to live my life with my heart tied to you because I confessed yet I still couldnt move on. Love really is a game of luck. And you know me. When it comes to luck, I might as well just forfeit the game. I really want this time to be different. I want to be able to look at you and smile lovingly without having to hide it. I want to be able to carry you home when youre tired. I want to be able to tell you how beautiful you are without having to hide the real meaning in a jumble of complex words that even I dont understand. I want to be able to say good morning and goodnight to you every day without having to

use my phone. I just want to be able to finally tell you that I love you and youll know exactly what I mean. Ive seen guys look at you and they call you cute or pretty. But they dont know who you are deep inside. None of them have seen your true colours. Not one. But thats because you dont show them. I dont understand why but you keep it a secret between us. They dont know that you love the angry sound of storming piano keys when youre frustrated. They dont know that you arent afraid of death. They dont know that you feel insecure all the time. They dont know that you think you cant live up to your cousins achievements. They dont know that youre always scared of losing the people you love. They dont know so much about you because behind that pretty face, theres more to it than just a cute high school girl. But guess what? Over the course of three years, I learned all that about you and more. Youve told me so many things and I know a lot about you. But you dont know anything about me. You dont know that I love standing in the rain, feeling it drip on my skin. You dont know that I love showing affection. You dont know that I love writing so much that Im constantly creating a story in my mind. You dont know that I regret wasting a year with my ex-boyfriend when I couldve spent it with you. You dont know what he put me through. You dont know what Im going through now even if youre the one causing it. But what you dont know and what I really wish I could tell you is the fact that Im so madly in love with you that Im sitting here, telling my love story to the world and Im able to make twelve whole chapters out of it. All of those nights that I said I would be sleeping late because I had school work I was really just writing about you. All of those times youve caught me staring into space, I was really just staring at you. In all of those days Ive seemed a little off, I was waiting to return home so I could cry because Ive never hurt so badly before in my entire life. When I injured myself years ago, I spent a week recovering after a trip to the hospital. It hurt but the pain went away as soon as my wound healed. When I failed a test, I studied harder and aced the next one. When my parents yelled at me for absolutely no reason, I just learned to ignore them. I was able to move on from all of these. But you? I tried sleeping and healing, I tried studying what to do when you fall in love with your best friend and I tried ignoring you. Nothing worked. Maybe theres one last solution. And I guess for this problem, its the only solution that works.

I have to confess.

Year Four Part One

Its been a great three years of high school and weve both got one year left ahead of us. So I sit here, now, wondering whats going to happen. From now and until the end of the next school year, Ill be crying more often. I know that. Ill have to run from class to class just to avoid seeing you with him. I have to avoid thinking about you because my eyes will start watering. Ill be really quiet because if I talk, my voice will crack. Ill be letting this secret eat me from the inside out. But regardless, Ill still be carrying your books for you, Ill still be helping you figure out homework questions in the middle of the night, Ill still be smiling like a fool when you look at me, Ill still have to catch my breath after hearing you laugh, my heart will still skip a beat every time I see your name and Ill still feel compassion for you. What if I confessed to you and on some odd chance, you felt the same way about me? What if I actually got my happy ending? Well First, Id take you on a date. Id take you to that restaurant you said you wanted us to go to. And this time, itd just be us two. No Nichkhun, no Jessica, no Leeteuk Itd be perfect because nobody else would ruin it. Ready? I think. Id smile and admire your sense of fashion. Wow Its not like wed go to a fancy restaurant on a first date But something about a simple hoodie and jeans makes you look perfect. I dont know So I like simplicity. Kill me. Id hold the door open for you and then put on a goofy smile. Ladies first. Hah Tae, that doesnt exactly work Were both- Hey. I tried. Hahaha. The entire time, you could go on and on and on but Id listen. Id remember everything that you said. Although, I might miss out on some things because Ill be too busy staring at you. Tae, we should do that later. Do what?

. I just said it. Im sorry Im just too busy uhm Too busy doing what? And of course, Id blush and try to explain. Staring. Then like always, youd grin and laugh at how stupid Im being. Youre such a dork! Hey Im your dork, now. So Im your responsibility. I know. I dont mind. Then after, wed walk back to your house. On the way, we probably wouldnt even say a word. But itd be alright because the silence doesnt matter. Your presence is loud enough for me. My hands are cold I shouldve brought gloves. Give me your hands. Why? Id hold your hand and squeeze it lightly to let you know that even if its snowing, you still make me feel warm. Better? Better. Then youd give me that thousand-watt smile that makes me melt every time I see it. And hey, if you want to stop by a candy store for some jellybeans, sure. Ill buy some for you. But I wont eat any because Ive got all the sweets I need, standing right next to me. Wed arrive at your house and wed watch movies or play video games like we used to. You never had a love for video games like I did, but you always wanted to play them with me. But honestly, I dont care what we do. As long as we do them together, Ill be happy with it. Hah, I beat you again! Fany-ah, youre good at this. Im good at video games. Im a gamer. But honestly, my mind wont be on the game if theres an angel sitting next to me.

Maybe after a few games, Id ask you to dance. Yes, right there in your living room. It sounds stupid and I dont know why this is even in my head but I really want to try it. In all of those movies, apparently slow dancing is a magical moment. Lets see for ourselves. You know, even after all that, there isnt really much different than how we are now. Actually, its exactly the same. Were like an unofficial couple. You even asked if we could get matching rings. Id buy them and then one day, Id surprise you. Hey, Merry Christmas! I got you something. And what would that be? Id hold up my necklace with the ring on it. Then Id hold up yours, still in its box. I still remember that you wanted us to have these. Well Now we do. Tae! Oh my gosh, they look amazing! Theyd be symbolic. I still havent decided on what to engrave yet but Ill think of something. So far, Ive got your suggestion about us and our smile phrases. But I feel like we can do better because my ring is going to be with me forever. I want it to hold as much sentimental value as possible. Theyd make great Christmas or birthday gifts. Speaking of which Id try to get you the most amazing present ever. I dont know if I can top my gift of a thousand cranes to you, but I can try. Itd be difficult because time and effort is the greatest gift you can give anyone and I spent months with that gift on my to-do list. I want to give you something amazing because youre amazing and thats what you deserve. I want to get you something valuable but not exactly expensive. I want to get you something thats cool to me but not tacky. I want to get you something thatll last for a long time and itll never go out of style. Ill get you something thats exactly like you; priceless, dazzling and classic. I cant even list the things Id do for you because honestly, Ive never been this close to insanity. Well, that and I dont have a piece of paper long enough to write it on. If by some miracle, you felt the same about me as I do about you, who knows what Id be like? Since our current status is still friendship, I dont know how Id be if we were together.

I really want to find out, though.

Year Four Part Two

I promised a friend that next year, I would audition for our committees event. I think its a good way to let out what I feel. Im still on the hunt for good songs to perform but I think Ive got a good set of choices. Even with the set songs and practice, I still have a problem on my hands __Flashback Year Two__Period 3_After The Test Taeyeonnie Cheer me up then! How? With a song! Well, what do you want me to sing? I shrugged. Anything. I I cant. Why not? I cant sing around you ____ Its true. I spend every day in math class singing my heart out to every song out there but once you show your face, my voice just disappears. So I made a promise to myself that Id get over that. But how am I going to sing if I already have trouble making any sound whatsoever when youre watching? I found a solution. The solution is you. You said you would sing with me on stage. Well perform together. If I cant sing while youre in the audience, maybe my nervousness would go away if we were facing the audience together. I dont know if well make auditions, but Im willing to try. Id stand on stage and regardless of how nervous Id be Id say this. Before we start Id like to dedicate this song to someone special. I hope you enjoy it. Then wed sing. You and I. Were like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky. Id turn my gaze from the audience, to you and Id smile.

With you, Im alive. Like all the missing pieces of my heart, they finally collide. Im sorry if its not flawless because I forget the lyrics. Looking at you does that to me. After the event finishes, Id tell my dad to pick me up later. Id take you outside and we could walk around under the snowfall for a while. Itd be just like our first year except this time Maybe Id get to kiss you. During the weeks wed have away from school, Id spend a day walking to your house through the snow and ice just to see your face when you open the door. Surprise! Tae! What are you doing here? I came to give you this. I know its stupid but would it hurt to give you chocolates and a rose? Maybe instead, Id knit you a scarf with a heart on it or maybe itll be a sweater with half a heart and Id have the sweater with the other half. We could watch Christmas movies all day long while snuggled up under a blanket. Then later at night, maybe youd call me and say you cant sleep. No matter how exhausted I would be, Id still be awake on the other end, softly singing you a lullaby until youd fall asleep. Before hanging up, Id tell you that I love you, the way I already do every night. On New Year, we would watch the fireworks together. So what are you going to wish for this year, Tae? What do you mean? You know like a goal. Or something you want to happen. Well, Ive already got everything I need right here. Gah Youre so cheesy. Cheesy is when you know it comes from the heart. It sounds dumb but you know that I mean it. Maybe Id save the chocolate and flowers for Valentines Day. Youd go to school and when you open your locker, you would smile no matter how hard youd try not to. Maybe youd find a teddy bear with a flower or a necklace. Whatever it is, I would be incredibly nervous while trying to set them up perfectly before school would start.

Youd reach for the card inside and youd find a note that goes something along the lines of this. I know youre probably getting sick of these ridiculous things that I do for you. But I dont plan them out. I honestly just find myself doing them. Thats how much I think of you. It got to the point where I almost handed in my math test with your name on it. Anyways, Happy Valentines Day! But first, of course, I have to ask Would you be me Valentine? Its true. You make me do things I would never do for anyone else. Youre special to me. For nobody else, would I stay up past midnight to help them with homework. But I think Ill be doing that more frequently for the weeks before exams. I wouldnt mind. We can study together. Tae, I dont understand this question at all! And Im tired. Look at it this way. This is pretty much the same as that, right? So wouldnt that mean the same thing for these two equations? I love the light in your eyes when you learn something new. Its almost like you discovered a country or something.

Tomorrows Christmas, but here I am, thinking about what I would do if you told me that you felt the same way about me. I wouldnt care if Id receive nothing for Christmas. Id have you and I wouldnt want anything else. Even if this year, I wont be able to call you mine on one of my favourite days of the year, maybe in the future I will. I go to bed every night, wondering if thats possible because something so amazing cant possibly be that easy to achieve. But then again, I havent exactly had an easy trip leading up to this point. Its been everything but simple. Is it possible? Or is it just too good to be true? I guess well just have to see. But one things for sure. Im leaving high school without regrets. I told you that. And Ill tell you how I feel, even if its the last thing I do. I want to make it special. I could just walk right up to you and say it or I could send you a stupid text message. But that isnt good enough. So Ive decided Id write you a letter.

Year Four Part Three

Dear Tiffany, I cant help but to wonder at the time weve known each other. How long has it been? Ive lost count but I never stopped counting the days we had left. I knew that eventually, we would graduate. You would head off to study business. I would be taking my chances at the world of computers and programming. So before I leave, I figured that I owe you something. Yes, I owe you that Im there for you, by your side, forever. I owe you a few hugs and a smile. I owe you laughter that you allowed me to enjoy. Most of all, I owe you my confession. For longer than I can remember, Ive been so in love with you that I cant even find the proper words to describe it. Lets just say that your smile drives me crazy and the sound of your voice is like music to my ears. I could never get enough of it but I always had to control myself. Whenever we walked together in the hallway and your hand would brush against mine, I had to resist the temptation to just reach out and hold it. Whenever we pulled away from a hug, Id have to stop myself from pulling you back in. After some time, it became even harder to resist. It hurt. Knowing that Ill always be just a good friend to you, I stepped back, allowing any lucky man to take the special place in your heart that I want so badly. Every time I let that happen, I couldnt do anything but watch my own heart shatter into a million pieces while you politely smiled back and nodded in agreement to yet another date. How long will it be until you get married? How long will it be until I lose the chance to be with the light of my life forever? I guess not that long. Now I can finally explain to you whats been bothering me all the time. Every time you asked, I couldnt answer. How could I? How could I tell you why Im sad when the reason is you? It hurts a lot. Ive had a broken bone, stitches, cuts, scratches, bruises and more. But I have to say, all of those things dont even compare with the pain Ive felt recently. Imagine someone youve grown up with and been with for as long as you can remember. Suddenly, you realize you love them. But they dont love you back. And you know they never will; at least not in the same way. I cant find words accurate enough to describe it but if I were to try, Id say that for two years, Ive woken up with a sinking feeling in my chest every day. And no matter what I did, regardless of the laughs Ive heard or the smiles Ive seen, at the end of the day, that feeling is still there. You know how the saying goes: if you love something, set it free and if it loves you, it will come back to you. After this, I doubt you would. But I want you to be happy. After doing a lot of thinking, Ive realized that maybe I had fallen for you even before we were in high school. The things weve done, said, laughed at, joked about Its kind of obvious. I just didnt know it back then. Adding it all together, youve meant the world to me for eight years. Thats never easy to let go of, right? Im trying. Ive failed after three years but just give me a little more time. Its funny. No matter how much pain I feel, my heart refuses to forget you.

You confused me, you hurt me, you made me late for class, you made me cry every other night for three weeks, you used me, you ignored me, you complained to me, you made fun of me, you were oblivious to everything I said But I dont even care that you did all those things. Theyre easily forgivable. But one thing Ill never forget is that it feels like you dont even care anymore. Was I just a stepping stone? Was I only of use for a while because you didnt have a boyfriend to keep you happy? I was a temporary substitute? Now that you have one, youve completely casted me aside. I understand that were only best friends and that he IS after all the man who has your heart now. But I didnt know that it meant I would be forgotten. I thought Id see you less or talk to you a little less. I didnt think youd completely disregard the promise we made at the beginning. Ill always be here for you was a lie. Now, Im scared to grow fond of anyone. I distance myself because I dont want to face how it feels to lose someone again. Then again You cant exactly lose what you never had. But I guess I deserved it since Ive lied to you too. Im truly sorry for these lies and Ill be honest with you now Im not okay. Im not tired, Im sad. It does bother me but Ill do it because I love you. Yes, I do feel used. Yes, I do dislike him, but because you like him, Ill tolerate him and learn to see the good in him. Yes, I do like someone. Yes, I have lied to you. Yes, I am busy but Ill do it for you anyway. Yes, Im exhausted but because you need help, I wont sleep until you finish. Yes, Im hungry but you should eat first if youre hungry too. Yes, Im cold but maybe you should wear my jacket anyway so youll be warm. Yes, it does bother me and it hurts to see you with him but I love you and I want you to be happy. Im sorry that Ive lied to you. But most of all, Im sorry that Im not good enough and Im paying for it with my tears. Even if youve made me absolutely miserable at times, youve also made me happier than I can even think to describe. Stories talk about how when you see someone you love, your heart would start to race, your stomach would be filled with butterflies, your hands would get all sweaty, your legs would shake, youd forget words, youd feel lightheaded and you cant think straight. Well, Im living proof that theyre all true. Before I finish my letter, Id like to thank you. Thank you for showing me that life can be fun, regardless of the negatives weve had to push through together. Thank you for being by my side, cheering me up, making me laugh, making me cry, making me crazy, and making me insane Most of all, thank you for teaching me how to love somebody with everything I have in my heart to offer. To conclude my letter, Ill end it with a promise that we started four great years with. I promise that Ill always be here for you. No matter how many times you might break my heart or regardless of how often you make me feel used, my answer to your question will remain the same. I love you. And no matter how much time passes, that will never change. Yours truly, Your Best Friend

Epilogue
I opened my eyes and squinted, still adjusting to the light shining through the windows. I sat up while rubbing them, feeling the sting on my eyelids from the tears of the night before. I turned to my bedside table and looked at my phone. Good morning, beautiful. Merry Christmas! I typed in, adding a few smiley faces here and there. I sighed. It really is too good to be true. Its Christmas. And I know Im spending it, crying. You know I dont think I want a time machine after all. I dont care how I fell in love with you. I dont care why it happened, who made it happen, or when it happened. I dont care. I just need you here with me really badly. So I guess a time machine would be useless. Because even after four years, Ill still need you, Ill still love you, Ill still care for you. A lot of our great moments may have been a dream, but greater moments werent. And besides, dreams can always come true. Ready for our movie marathon? I grinned. Silent Hill is pretty intense, you know? If youre here, Ill be fine. You smiled in return while taking my hand and intertwining our fingers. Same to you. Youre blushing. You giggled at the pink shade of my cheeks. I know, I know. I can feel it. Relax, I just like teasing you. You still love to tease me.

You still love to make me crazy. You still love to spend time with me like we used to. Youll never think of me the same way I feel about you, maybe not yet, maybe not ever. But I know regardless, you do love me. And I love you too. I guess

Some things never change. Maybe thats what Ill engrave on those rings of ours.

Authors Conclusion/Confession
There goes the ending I hope you liked it! I worked really hard on it and put a lot of thought into this so I hope its good! Thought, feeling, etc. I basically just wrote out my life and changed the character names. Ha! And that letter in chapter 12 When the time comes, Im going to write it out and give it to her. Leave high school with no regrets, right? Because I posted the last parts today that means its Christmas! Ahahahaha!!! Merry Christmas, everyone! This story is a gift to all of my readers who have read even just one word of any of these chapters. It means a lot to know that people actually like what I do! And to think, it feels like yesterday that my mom was forcing me to write excessively over the summer so that my writing wouldnt be terrible. Have a fun holiday, everyone! On top of those, I have special notes to specific people. Id like to give a big thanks to my readers, Charito and SONEROYALFAMILYALLY for some awesome advice (: Also, thanks to my good friends, krispy-baozi and a girl named Janice for helping me cope with everything above! It feels good to let things out. As for the person that Tiffany represents in this story You probably wont even be reading this but I still want to put it out there. Tiffany has many different pairings. Whichever one makes her happy, she should stay with that one. But regardless, Taeyeon loves Tiffany, right? So I love you >< In more ways than one, and you probably know that already. Hey, I make it pretty obvious and I even tell you every night when I say goodnight! You say it back to me sometimes, but even when you dont, I still mean my words. Although I know not all stories have a happy ending and I guess this year, my own story wont. Thats okay. My horoscope says that next year, itll be better! Heheh I dont know if I can ever let go, but I wont stand in your way. I promise! But only if you can look in the mirror and smile when you see a beautiful girl standing before you. Goodness, if you did read this I think Ill just go jump off a cliff now because thats totally embarrassing. Psh, its not like I run around outside, singing love songs, IMEANWHAT? But in all seriousness, it bothers me when you complain about how you look because I cant tell you how I really feel yet its almost like I have a duty to make you smile. Then when the one guy I cant stand in the entire school asks you out, I just acted happy for you. Ill get to know him and get along with him, I promise. Just give me time? There were a lot of excuses as to why I didnt go to the school dance this year. The real reason is I just dont want to hurt myself again when I see you there with someone else. Im sorry. But hey, just remember that when your day seems terrible, at least one person loves you with all their heart, all the time. It hurts a lot sometimes, no, all the time, but thats the way it is. If he makes you happy, Ill put up with it. And Ill tell you soon So for anyone still reading, this fanfic is mostly true, but part of it isnt because I havent gone through my last year in high school yet. Instead of writing about my years in high school to come, I put in my thoughts about what Id do if we ended up dating. But when I do finish high school, would you want me to post the real ending? Lets see how it turns out, together. My army of readers, and I, well see where this hopeless love story goes. Im nervous, just thinking about it.

Anyways, its almost the end of my first year on AFF. My awesome readers/fluff army/friends/fellow Locksmiths, thanks for sticking by me and reading my stories, regardless of how fluffy, angsty, mushy, or finger-curling-ly cheesy they got! Because now you know the reason as to why theyre like that. A special someone made me this way. Regardless, heres to a great year, full of TaeNy love! :D Happy reading! UnknownSONE

PS: I guess heres the whole backstory to how this fanfic came to be. If you dont want to read this part, feel free to just click away heh. Leave a comment first! (: So, basically, Im in my 3rd year of high school and Ive been shoving away odd feelings for years now. I didnt know what they were or why I felt them but I knew it was something different and truthfully, I was really scared. So I kept ignoring them and denying everything to myself. This went on for 2 and a half years. Eventually one day, I was standing outside my 3rd period class with another friend (Seohyun in this story) and suddenly my Tiffany walked by. I dont know what happened but as stupid as this sounds, my heart started pounding and I felt a little lightheaded, all because of a smile and wave. Then I realized that all those different feelings Id been shoving away were just me starting to like my best friend. I went home and cried my face off because now, what the heck do I do? So I did a ton of thinking and I needed help with clearing up my thoughts. Thats when I resorted to writing fanfiction to sort out my feelings and thoughts, plus I could get input from my readers. For a whole year, I spent time figuring everything out and even now, my head is still completely mixed up over this. To take things further, I put myself to a test. I started preparing this girls birthday present 8 months before her actual birthday. My idea was that if I grew tired of it and didnt finish it, I should just get over her and forget all of this because that means I truly only see her as a friend. But I didnt stop. Every day, I sat down at my desk and folded paper cranes, eventually finishing 1000 of them. On some days, I would come home with a giant lovesick smile on my face while on others, Id just bury myself in my bed and then cry. We made plans to see a movie, but then good old Nichkhun showed up and look! I kinda third wheeled my own date. And that was the start of my terrible end of the year. My mom thinks Im ill because apparently I started eating less and sleeping earlier. Im not sick, mom. My heart just hurts. Sorry if this was kind of depressing to be posting on Christmas. Especially for those who celebrate it, its supposed to be a happy time, right? But this is my Christmas gift to everyone. Im sharing my life with you guys! I hope nobody else has my problem. If you do, lets all sulk together! Yay! But thanks for putting up with it. And I hope you like the ending!

To You
I grew up with you. You gave me a shoulder to cry on for seven years. You love to tease me and make fun of me. You are the one I fell in love with. You are the one who I will miss so dearly when we go our separate ways. You are the girl whose marriage I will break down and cry at. You were by my side through thick and thin. You are the girl who never failed me make me smile the brightest. You are the one who makes me laugh the most. You are the one who makes me cry the hardest. You might never read this. You might never understand. You might never love me the way I love you. But to you, princess, I say that I love you. With all my heart, I truly do.