Style &Substance

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winter cool
joaquin phoenix: hollywood rebel
Exclusive interview by
sanjiv bhattacharya
Inside!
scarlett
johansson
ferrari
leather
jackets
aagill
brooklyn
rodstewart
chops
watches
babestation
will self
+
the maddest
football story
ever told
Joaquin Phoeni x PhotograPhed
for esquire by simon emmett
december 2013 | 4.25
S o l d e x c l u s i v e l y i n L o u i s Vu i t t o n s t o r e s a n d a t l o u i s v u i t t o n . c o m . T e l . 0 2 0 7 9 9 8 6 2 8 6
Elegance is an attitude
Simon Baker
Conquest Classic
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CULTURE
Asituation comedy about Gravity
Cheerful vandalismAspin
on doctor, doctor As pretty as
Frank De Mulders pictures Rob
Delaneys guide to Twitter
Blockbusters not coming to a
cinema near you soon (andwhy)
Hollywoods great climaxes
Little modesty fromTinie Tempah
(Andthankfully fromMarine
Vacth, too) Eminemandother
more exciting newalbums Bring
the rubber chicken; the secrets
behindPaul Smiths success in
Japan Apps for heading out
The All Blacks clean up
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
234
Double Stripe holdall by Tods
01
REGULARS
043
AA GILL
Esquires oracle knows what women
want (poetry, dangerous sex, but
probably not an 8ft member)
049
STYLE
Stepthrough Esquires enchantedwinter
wardrobe Nosleepin Brooklyn An
old-school, high-tech hi- Keepcalm
andcarry on Astful of burgers
Time for gentlemen, please Make
sense of Serge Pizzornos belongings
Weve worked out 10ways toimprove
your workout Channel your inner
Brando (not Lovejoy) Refresh your
face The fastest production car ever
around the Nrburgring is a hybrid
The state of state-of-the-art TVs
The art of Herms Howtosmell
nowOne-stopchopshopAliqueur
made out of artichokes? Keeping
tabs on the hottest brands Awatch
for men of steel The newwave of
road-ready superbikes
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WATCH THIS SPACE p113
Gravity: a force to
be reckoned with
FAST AND
ECO-CONSCIOUS
p85
hybrid supercar
GET YOUR COAT
P49
What to wear
this winter
WINDOW INTO
HER LIFE p170
An intimate
afternoon
with Scarlett
Johansson
26
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FASHION
180
WRIST ASSESSMENT
This is howto tell the time
204
THE CUT OF HIS CLOTH
Tailor-made for The Hunger Games
SamClain
214
FORMALEDUCATION
Actor RichardArmitage in black tie
154
WHATIVELEARNED
What RodStewart has toldus lately
156
I GERMANY
Will Self on Deutschland
160
ABOVE THE CLOUDS
Being Joaquin Phoenix
170
YES, HER
Scarlett Johansson, in voice and body
190
THE WORST FOOTBALL
TEAMIN THE WORLD
Play up Pohnpei (FYI: its in Micronesia)
198
NOWTHATSWHATWE
CALLEDMUSIC
Sarfraz Manzoor on the sounds of 1983
(andyour brain)
CHECK MATE p204
SamClaflin in this
seasons tailoring
JOAQUIN PHOENIX
PHOTOGRAPHS Simon Emmett
FASHION Olie Arnold
JOAQUIN PHOENIX WEARS
Newsstand edition: burgundy
corduroy jacket, by APC. Grey
cotton shirt, by Paul Smith.
Subscriber edition: Green
blouson jacket; white vintage
plimsolls, both by Carlo Manzi.
Chambray cotton shirt,
by Levis Vintage. Grey wool
trousers, by Margaret Howell.
Orange socks, by Tabio
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
PHOTOGRAPH Vincent Peters
COVER
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POOL RESOURCES
p160
Going in deep with
Joaquin Phoenix
02
FEATURES
140
ESQUIRES OTHER CAR
IS A FERRARI
We take the 458Spider for a roadtrip
148
PHONING IT IN
Babestation laid bare
CANDID
CAMERAS
p148
Hanging on the
telephones at
Babestation
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ALEX BILMES
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ore by accident than design as
if it were ever any other way this
issue of Esquire has interviews
with two Hollywood stars who will
shortly appear on screen together
for the rst time, in Her, the new
lmfromSpike Jonze. Jonze, for
those newto this motion picture thing (itll never
catch on, etc), is the endish pop-cult auteur
responsible for dizzying postmodern romps
including Being John Malkovich and Adaptation,
and Her is in that tradition, in that it is weird and
disquieting but also sweet and humane. Not
to give too much away, but its about a man
(Joaquin Phoenix) who falls in love with the voice
of his computers operating system(Scarlett
Johansson). In other words its a surrealist
romcomstarring the slightly creepy bloke who
once pretended to have a nervous breakdown
on David Lettermans show, alongside the
disembodied voice of the most alluring young
woman in American movies. I mean, it would seem
to me that its one thing to cast Commodus from
Gladiator as your sexy heartthrob leading man,
but quite another to hire Scarlett Johansson to
be the love interest, and then neglect to put her
on screen.
But such is the lm-makers prerogative.
Its why Spike Jonze is the most distinctive, not
to say visionary, director in Los Angeles and were
just a bunch of dorks putting out a magazine. And
anyhow, like I say, its not that we planned it this
way: The Her Issue, For Him. That would indicate
some sort of higher intelligence at work. What
happened, in all honesty, is we went to LAto meet
Joaquin, came back with a terric interviewand
shoot, and then discovered that not only did we
have exclusive access to these photos of Scarlett,
courtesy of our brothers at the American edition
of Esquire, but that the editor (who he?) was
sitting on a recent interviewwith the sultry one
that only needed a little ddle and a bit of a jig
about to t right in. Together, they seemed to
make rather a nice set, so weve published both.
Scarlett in limited-edition form, lest anyone should
think were just trying to cash in, and because
we thought Spike would
approve of us playing
her down.
Interestingly, our
meetings with these
two acclaimedA-listers
conrmed a truism: never
judge a book by its
cover unless that book
is the renowned actress
Scarlett Johannson.
Froma distance,
Joaquin Phoenix struck me
as though he might be quite
hard work: nervy, intense, solemn. Quite the
opposite, it turns out, according to Sanjiv
Bhattacharya, who went for lunch with him,
as well as Simon Emmett, who took his pictures.
The man revealed in Sanjivs interviewand
Simons photos is a funny, self-deprecating,
down-to-earth dude, quick to laugh at himself and
the wonderful absurdity of his privileged position.
Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson always looked
to me fromafar like shed be really good fun to
hang out with and wait for it she is! Yep, thats
the kind of shock revelation you get when your
correspondent spends time in the most romantic
city in the world with the most beautiful woman
in contemporary cinema. (Turn to page 170,
if you can stand it, to read my revoltingly smug
account of an afternoon dining deux in Paris
with the knockout star of this months Don Jon
and the forthcoming Spike Jonze lm. Whats
it called again? Oh, yeah: Her.)
But Esquire is about so much more than sexy
celeb exclusives, so while we proudly bring you
Joaquin and Scarlett we also oer up our typical
mlange (sorry, in mind and spirit Imstill there,
in that French caf, swapping bon mots with
the celestial being) of high and low, clever and
stupid, edible, wearable, watchable, risible
in the best sense of the word, of course and,
hopefully, unputdownable.
Weve got Will Self on howhe learned to stop
worrying and love Germany, and why the rest of
us should do the same; Will Storrs extraordinary
story of two hapless Englishmen whose unlikely
dreams of football glory took themall the way to
Micronesia; Sarfraz Manzoors musings on the
sadly diminished role of pop music in the life of
an adult male; Nick Duerdens behind-the-scenes
look at Babestation, a TVchannel that I, for
one, had never heard of. Sounds interesting,
though, Nick! Weve got the wit and wisdomof
Rod Stewart (theres a phrase I never expected
to write), as well as more watches than Basel
and Bond Street combined, a guide to the new
way to wear black tie, Mark Hix on beef burgers
and very viable alternatives, Jeremy Langmeads
observations on the goth-pulling potential of
a good biker jacket, and lifestyle advice from
Kasabians Serge Pizzorno (prosecco and pickled
onion Monster Munch nowwere talking).
All that and the inside scoop on the Esquire
art departments latest toy, which happens to be
a Ferrari 458 Spider, fully specced by our resident
design genii, David McKendrick (see photo) and
Nick Millington, who drove it home fromMaranello,
in the summer, with the roof down. (Yes, they were
wearing sunglasses, the plonkers.)
There are those who will venture that those
two are the lucky ones, racing their way along
twisty Alpine passes at the wheel of a curvaceous
Italian speed machine. But what do they know?
Any idiot with a couple of quid can borrowa ash
motor for a couple of days. They rent themby
the hour. Very fewidiots get to have an afternoon
of Scarlett Johanssons undivided attention.
On this occasion, I was that idiot. Dont hold
it against me.
M
Prosecco and pickled onion
Monster Munch: now were talking
Esquires David
McKendrick helps
French traffic
police with
their enquiries
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SARFRAZ
MANZOOR
If someone hadtoldme
when I was 12that I would,
30years later, be writing
a feature for Esquire that
requiredme tolisten tolots
of popmusic andtalk toBoy
George, Bonnie Tyler and
Paul Young, I wouldhave
askedthemwhat brand
of glue they were sning,
Manzoor says. The journalist
andbroadcaster has written
for The Guardian, The
Telegraph andThe Spectator,
andis a regular on the BBC.
He is currently adapting his
memoir, Greetings fromBury
Park (Bloomsbury), intoa
screenplay tobe directed
by BendIt Like Beckham
director, Gurinder Chadha.
WILL SELF
I think we all needto
acknowledge our inner
German, says the Esquire
editor at large, whothis
month appeals tothe
rest of us toovercome
our Germanophobia.
As I was writing the piece,
I even began toentertain
sexual thoughts about
Angela Merkel. Then came
the results of the German
elections andI realised
I was not alone. Self is
currently working on a
sequel tohis Booker Prize-
shortlistednovel, Umbrella
(Bloomsbury), toappear
in 2014.
NICKDUERDEN
My night at Babestation
was an education, says
Duerden, whoimmersed
himself in the nocturnal
worldof soft-porn television
for this months issue. Id
gone along expecting it to
be either sexy or seedy. In
fact it turnedout tobe neither,
just another professionally
run TVstudio, but with
fewer clothes. In addition to
Esquire, Duerden has written
for The Independent, The
Guardian andThe Sunday
Times Magazine. His book,
The Reluctant Fathers Club
(Short Books), is out now.
SIMONEMMETT
For his secondEsquire
cover in a row, Emmett
photographedJoaquin
Phoenix high in the LAhills.
Idnever photographedhim
before, Emmett says. He
was such a down-to-earth
guy with a great character
anda brilliant sense of
humour. Basedin London,
Emmett is known worldwide
for his celebrity portraits,
andhas shot for Vanity Fair,
RollingStone andFrench
Vogue, among many others.
WILL STORR
The Esquire contributing
editor is an unlikely
sportswriter, but his story this
month is an unlikely sports
story: the tale of twocrap
footballers whocrossedthe
globe tomanage the worst
teamin the world. Awriter for
The Guardian andThe Sunday
Telegraph, Storrs books, The
Heretics: Adventures with
the Enemies of Science
(Picador) andThe Hunger
andthe Howlingof Killian Lone
(Short Books), are out now.
40
DAVIDTITLOW
The London-based
photographer has worked
with a great number of
famous faces MoFarah
andBill Nighy, toname two
recent examples for our
fashion pages. This month,
he shot Hunger Games
star SamClain, in autumn/
winters sharpest tailoring.
Aterric guy, despite being
a Norwich fan, Titlowsays.
His work has alsoappeared
in Vanity Fair, Vice and
RollingStone magazines.
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GARETH
SCOURFIELD
Putting together the Esquire
annual watch shoot is a
bit like assembling the G8
summit, says senior fashion
editor Scoureld, whoedited
this issues 10-page feature
that begins on page 180. Its
full of machopersonalities
andeach one likes toout-
dothe other. Security is
tight we hadve guards
at one point andits a
political mineeldwhen
working out whotosit next
toeach other. Thankfully,
watches photograph better
than politicians.
SANJIV
BHATTACHARYA
It was like having lunch
with an icon anda buddy
at the same time, says
Esquires UScorrespondent
of his interviewwith Joaquin
Phoenix, whoBhattacharya
praises for his genuine
humility accompanied
by genuine talent. He sets
a great example all round.
Alsoa writer for The Daily
Telegraph andDetails
magazine, the LA-based
writers recent Esquire
interviews have included
Idris Elba, Cameron Diaz
andSimon Cowell. His book,
Secrets &Wives: The Hidden
Worldof Mormon Polygamy
(Soft Skull), is out now.
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AUTOMATIC CHRONOGRAPH
MONOBLOC CASE
ENGINEERED IN HIGH-TECH CERAMIC
Andy Murray
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AAGill
Uncle
Dysfunctional
If you dont
understand poetry,
thats OK; youre
supposed to just feel
it, like Deep Heat
is Esquires
Whenit comes towomen, iambic pentameter goes along way.
Blindfolds will goevenfurther. Althoughtheless saidabout the
ample appendages of aquatic mammals thebetter
Dear Unc Dysfunc,
Agirl Ive been sort of mucking about with said
she couldnt love anyone who didnt love The
Bell Jar. Apparently, this Bell Jar isnt anything
to do with kitchen equipment. Its a book
by some other bitch. So, I said I couldnt love
anyone who didnt love Grand Theft Auto V
and then we had a rowand nowshes going with
some nonce who wears a scarf indoors. Whats
all that about? Ive mentioned this to some
mates and theyve noticed the same thing.
Not The Bell Jar, but other stu. One girl said
she couldnt love anyone that didnt love Anna
Karenina. So, my mate said hed never touched
her but if she was t and wanted a threesome
he was up for it. And then theres this gang
of girls down the pedestrian precinct who are
always mocking me and my mates, shouting,
You never read no Jane Austen, mong boy!
This has just happened in the last year or so.
Whats going on? I need a list of books that I can
say Ive read, that will get me loved. Just give me
a heads up. You get me, bruv?
Piers, by email
Dear Piers,
Its hell out there. Its a fucking library. Its this
thing that happens to girls. They come over all
ctional. It gets really badin their late teens.
Theyre generally over it by the time theyre 30,
but I doubt you want to wait that long. Theres
no point in trying to cheat on books. Youll just get
caught out. Andif theres one thing worse than
being an illiterate philistine its being an insecure
illiterate philistine. Anddont google philistine,
it looks needy. Leave literature to the birds.
No threesome ever conceivedis worth having
to plough through Little Women. (Thats a novel,
not dwarf sex.) What I suggest is that you upthe
cultural stakes. Get poetry. Then you say, Oh,
you must knowKeats Ode on Melancholy?
Come back to mine andIll readit to your twat.
Nothing beats poetry. Its the Death Star of
culture. Its the bollocks. Andmost of all, its
short andrhymes. Andif you dont understand
it, thats OKbecause youre supposedto just
feel it, like DeepHeat. Andyoudbe surprised
by howmuch you already know. Songs are all
poetry, andthey dont make any sense. I tell you,
once a girls got a dose of novels shes a pushover
for iambic pentameter. Theyve got no literary
immune system. Sonnets are like aural
Viagra, so dont go quoting to people you dont
want to get with. Though seen of none save
himwhose strenuous tongue / Can burst Joys
grape against his palate ne / His soul shalt
taste the sadness of her might Fuck knows
what that means but its the best hook-upline
in the world.
AA,
My girlfriend says shed like me to be more
assertive in bed. So, I said, tell me what you
43
44
Agony
Email questions for AAGill to
agonyuncle@esquire.co.uk
Sex is like shoes.
Men like their
shoes to be
comfortable.
Women like their
shoes to be new
want and Ill do my best. She just rolled her
eyes and muttered, Typical.
Norman, Cheltenham
Norman, weve hada number of letters along
this line: My partner says she wants to feel
shes being rogered, not directing aninterior
decorator; Ive done my best to be a caring
sympathetic andsensitive lover but my wife
has just toldme shes boredto tears with my
bedroomgoodmanners andrelentless
consideration. Shedlike me to be a bit more
selsh anddemanding. Do you think she needs
to see a counsellor? Yours, Giles. All of you:
sex isnt fair. Its never going to be fair. Its not
an equal opportunity. Its not even explicable.
Sometimes, though, it seems that Godor Darwin
whichever came rst hardwiredthe wrong
sort of instructions into the wrong bodies. Men
wouldbe much happier if girls behavedlike
men andwomen wouldprefer it if men were
as imaginative as women. There is a problem.
Its boredom. Women get boredwith sex far
quicker than men. In fact, no man has ever
become boredwith sex. We like familiarity,
we performbetter when theres no anxiety,
no unforeseen distractions. Women on the other
hand, well on both hands actually, think that
familiarity is overfamiliar, that comfort is
overrated. They needexcitement andsurprises
andsuspense. Sex is like shoes. Men like their
shoes to be comfortable. Women like their shoes
to be new. You see the problemhere. When
she saidshe wantedyou to be more dominant,
what she meant is: do something out of
character, dont ask my permission, stop
pussyfooting, stopsaying please andthank you.
Now, a sex expert wouldsay by the way, no
one is a sex expert, anyone who tells you theyre
a sex expert is compensating for being a lousy
shag, can you imagine hopping on boarda
self-denedsex expert? anyway, what they
wouldsay is: role play. Its what they say about
everything. Its the easiest way to make over your
sex life: pretendits someone elses sex life. You
be the burglar, Ill be the quadriplegic in the
wheelchair with the headwandandthenumber
of thesafe. YoubeHelenof Troy, Ill be the
wooden horse. You be Jar Jar Binks, Ill be
Margaret Thatcher. The possibilities are endless:
a sort of hideous, karaoke, trick-or-treat sex
life. I dont knowabout you, but I ndbeing myself
with no clothes on quite dicult, so having to
be Genghis Khan or a Dambuster wouldbe
too hideously, shrivellingly humiliating. There
is another option: rope andgaer tape. Bondage
andsadomasochismare quite complicated
(dont try themwhen not at home). Theres an
awful lot of knots to remember. Quite a bit of
engineering to take into account. Andyouve
got to constantly beawarethat its still sex, not
hostage negotiationor cookery. You needto
be very condent for sadism. Youve got tokeep
the atmosphereelectric. One wrong move,
one slipknot, one Velcro cuon the pubic hair
andit can all descendinto Norman Wisdom
chaos. But there is a thirdway. If I was going to
write a sex manual, it wouldbe only one page
with one word. Andthat wordwouldbe: blindfold.
Dangerous anderotic without ever needing to
put on a funny hat or an accent, ablindfolddoes
it all for you. Immediately, it makes you dominant,
adds suspense, excitement andaheightened
sensitivity. Ablindfoldis the most versatile
andeective sex aidand, best of all, it makes
you disappear. Theres hours andhours of
gibbering, panting fun to be hadwith a scarf
anda clothes peg.
Dear Uncle,
Me and the boys in the dormhave been arguing.
Whats the biggest penis in the world? Coren
thinks it might be his.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, the largest measuredpenis was
eight feet long. It belongedto a blue whale.
For more AA Gill, go to esquire.co.uk
Photograph by Xxxxx Xxxxx 49
HOW TO
GET YOUR
COAT
A good quality winter coat is
probably the heftiest wardrobe
investment youll make all year.
But before you purchase the perfect
fashionable protective barrier against
the cold weather, first study Esquires
guide to essential winter outerwear
styles covering this seasons quartet
of key trends. Bet you never knew
you wanted a Fifties-style
houndstooth car coat
250
STYLE
FASHION / GROOMING / TECH / FOOD / CARS
Edited by Teo van den Broeke
Cashmere double-breasted
coat, 2,495, by Burberry
Merino wool double-breasted
coat, 895, by Crombie
The double-
breasted
overcoat
Green honeycomb weave
merino jumper, 95,
by Bosideng. Brown checked
cotton shirt 145;
navy cotton chinos 179,
both by Paul Smith. Tan
leather Chelsea boots,
245, by Russell & Bromley
50
630
1,340
And two others
And two others
Olive parka, 195,
by Parka
Navy parka, 375, by
Plectrum by Ben Sherman
Dark blue raincoat, 880,
by Mackintosh
Navy raincoat, 470,
by Paul Smith
The parka
The look you want is less
mod, more explorer (think
Tenzing Norgay rather than
LiamGallagher), and wear
yours with a suit as opposed
to a mullet and a scowl.
Woolrich has been making
proper parkas since 1830.
STYLE
FASHION
02/26
The car
coat
Cut in an A-line shape with
a flat front and minimal
detailing, mid-thigh-length
car coats were designed for
drivers of open cars in the early
days of motoring. Now, theyre
less for cruising around in
roadsters, more for swanning
around between meetings.
Equally great over a suit or
a jumper, this Fifties-inspired
car coat fromMassimo Piombo
targets another two of this
seasons big trends
camel and houndstooth.
Burgundy merino pullover,
75, by Bosideng. White
cotton club collar shirt,
110, by Oliver Spencer.
Navy denim jeans, 100,
by Gant Rugger. Black
leather Chelsea boots,
235, by Grenson
Blue cashmere suit, 3,039,
by Brunello Cucinelli. Navy
cotton T-shirt, 45, by
Sunspel. Tan leather oxford
shoes, 455, by Gucci
R O G E R F E D E R E R A R T I S T
Enjoy responsibly www.moet.com
Navy wool bomber,
70, by Topman
Checked wool bomber,
1,240, by Gucci
Navy wool knit jumper,
448; green tartan wool
trousers, 393, both by
Valentino. White cotton
T-shirt, 45, by Sunspel.
Brown leather double
monk strap shoes, 495,
by Gucci
395
W
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STYLE
FASHION
03/26
The luxury
bomber
jacket
Try it with a bag
And two others
Burgundy bag, 914,
by Dolce & Gabbana
R O G E R F E D E R E R G E N T L E M A N W I N N E R
Enjoy responsibly www.moet.com
55 Illustration by Holly Wales
THE BARBER DOSSIER
BROOKLYN
FIRST WE TOOK MANHATTAN,
NOW WE TAKE BROOKLYN

wonderfully dismissive
concept of the bridge-and-
tunnel crowd, the weekend
phenomenonof wannabes
fromthe outer boroughs,
desperate for a slice of
Manhattan magic, pouring
across the East River onto
the Island. Today, the
direction of travel has
reversed, with Brooklyn
like moths to a flame.
So howdid the originally
Dutch Broken Land,
previously famed for Saturday
Night Fever Travoltas and
GoodFellas wiseguys, become
a mecca for hipsters? Several
reasons contribute: property
prices for warehouses and
brownstones are (or were)
way down on Manhattans;
STYLE
TRAVEL
04/26
local boy Jay Z; and the
success of Lena Dunhams
Girls have also helped
boost its cred. Other names
have decamped here, too:
Patrick Stewart, Martin Amis,
Anne Hathaway and Steve
Buscemi (obvs).
TomBarber is a founding
editor of award-winning travel
company originaltravel.co.uk
DRINK
Williamsburgs
Radegast Hall is a
classic beer tavern
that merits a visit.
But this being winter,
youll want to grab a
classic mulled brew
and sit by the roaring
fire at the low-lit and
cosy Black Mountain
Wine House on
Union Street.
blackmountain
winehouse.com
G
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STYLE
TRAVEL
05/26
STAY
Within easy reach of
the Williamsburg
Bridge (and
Manhattan beyond),
the Wythe Hotel is a
converted factory
looming over the
surrounding
warehouses. Its
newfromthe owner
of hip local joints
Diner and Marlow
& Sons, so its no
surprise that the
restaurant, Reynard,
is suitably excellent
and always packed.
The lofty rooftop bar
has superb views
back over the
Manhattan skyline,
as do many of its
rooms, some of
which include bunks,
designed for visiting
bands, natch.
wythehotel.com
LUNCH
As its mash-up
name implies,
Smorgasburg is a
self-contained
foodie township, the
culinary counterpart
of the neighbouring
(and uber-cool)
Brooklyn Flea
Market. When youve
bought your fill of
vintage and vinyl,
refuel at over 100
food vendors. Try the
kugel double down
sandwiches (using
egg-noodle slices in
place of bread) from
Jewish foodies
Scharf & Zoyer.
The trending filling?
Caramelised onions,
dill, cheese and
fried chicken skin.
Outstanding.
smorgasburg.com
SEE
After a big night out,
the perfect hangover
cure is a walk up to
Brooklyn Heights
Promenade for great
views of Manhattan.
The viewfromthe
less salubrious side
of the river is always
better than fromits
prettier side. And
thats true here more
than anywhere.
nyharborparks.org
PARTY
In the middle of
Williamsburg, Cameo
is a kaleidoscopic
arts hub, that acts
as both restaurant
and venue. Theres
the Lovin Cup Caf
out front and a
high-ceilinged
venue/exhibition
space in the back
where stand-ups riff,
bands rock and DJs
spin, depending on
the night you go.
cameony.net
WHEN IN
Go for brunch: NYC
invented it and does
it best. We nominate
Buttermilk Channel
on Court Street.
The menu is a list of
grills, well-made
burgers and eggs
every which way.
Best of all are the
Bloody Mary options:
try a Star of the Sea
celery and pepper
vodka with an oyster
garnish. buttermilk
channelnyc.com
DINE
The oyster bar
beneath Grand
Central Station is
arguably the
greatest place to eat
our favourite bivalve,
but Maison Premiere
on Bedford Avenue is
Brooklyns best.
Enjoy a compare-
and-contrast platter
of five local
varieties, washed
down with absinthe
on tap. Then doze off.
maisonpremiere.com
DO
Visit Red Hook,
a lo-fi, low-rise
westerly waterfront
promontory of
Brooklyn badly
battered in 2012s
Hurricane Sandy.
Enjoy the views of
the Statue of Liberty,
then hit shabby-chic
Sunnys bar, newly
reopened after
benefactors and
regulars ran an
internet campaign
to raise refit funds.
sunnysredhook.com
AVOID
Manhattan. So over.
OK, maybe not, but it
certainly has some
competition now.
GETTING THERE
British Airways and
Virgin Atlantic both
operate multiple
flights daily.
SHOP
Post-Wiggins 2012,
cycling is booming in
the UK. Keep ahead
of the pack at home
with a bike kit from
Bamboo Bike Studio.
At their Red Hook
workshop, theyll
measure you up and
a fortnight later will
ship the parts to you
so you can assemble
your own bike.
bamboobikestudio.
useful-arts.com
For more of TomBarbers city
guides, go to esquire.co.uk
W
HY
NOW
?
Close to JFK, Brooklyn is
perfect for Christmas shopping
weekends and the competitive
Christmas lights shows. Every
December, Dyker Heights and Bay
Ridge welcome visitors who gawp
at the festive displays adorning
many homes. Some of this might
be postmodern irony
but not
every house belongs to
hipsters, surely?
56
24 sackville street, london, W1s 3ds 178 Westbourne grove, london, W11 2rH 45 brusHfield street, london, e1 6aa
W
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TECH
06/26

Got any pet sounds?

62 Photograph by Xxxxx Xxxxx
STYLE
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Photograph by Sam Hofman 62
STYLE
TRAVEL
07/26
M
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Capacious, understated
and cut froma durable,
elegant fabric the defining
characteristics of any
good holdall. A weekend
away with anything less is
selling yourself short. Just
as important as your high-
quality holdall, however,
are the leather essentials
you pack in it. Froma
sleek, protective iPad case
to a natty passport holder
and a simple watch case
(yes), a considered set of
leather accessories is nearly
as important as a crease-
free travel blazer or a pair
of comfy cashmere socks
subtle additions to make
all the difference to your trip.
You never know, they might
even score you an upgrade
(dont quote us on that).
THE TOILETRY BAG
495, by Bottega Veneta
bottegaveneta.com
THE PHONE CASE
65, by Hugo Boss
hugoboss.com
THE PASSPORT HOLDER
115, by Smythson
smythson.com
THE TABLET CASE
570, by Herms
uk.hermes.com
THE WATCH CASE
350, by Gucci
gucci.com
THE HOLDALL
2,840, by Louis Vuitton
louisvuitton.co.uk
S
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Photographs by Jason Lowe
STYLE
FOOD
08/26
1 I Mix the mince and
seasoning, distributing
the fat evenly, then
mould into eight balls.
Shape themeither with
a burger press or by
pushing the meat into
a pastry cutter. Put the
burgers in the fridge
to set before cooking.
2 I For the sauce, whisk
together the ketchup
and mustard. Set aside.
3 I Lightly toast the
baps and keep them
warm. Burgers are best
cooked on a barbecue
or griddle plate but a
smoking-hot, cast-iron
pan will do: this seals
in the juices and will
produce a rare or
medium-rare burger
in a couple of minutes.
Dont cook themunder
a grill as this tends
to boil the meat making
it dry and flavour-less.
4 I Serve the burgers in
the baps with slices of
red onion, gherkin, beef
tomato and the sauce.
TO SERVE
8 good-quality
baps
2 medium red
onions
8 large sweet
pickled gherkins
2 beef tomatoes
DIRECTIONS
MAN FOOD WITH
MARK HIX
MAKING YOUR OWN BURGER
DOESNT HAVE TO MEAN BEEF.
IT JUST HAS TO MEAN BUN
Despite the crackdown on serving
rare meat implemented last year in
Londons Westminster, immediately
followed by the horsemeat scandal,
the burger craze shows no signs of
slowing. With US hamburger joints
like Five Guys and Shake Shack
competing with homegrown diners
like MEATliquor and Byron, the whole
business is booming.
One reason: you can have a lot
of fun with burgers and their fillings.
Try spicing things up with toppings
like
And if youre wary of beef, turn
over for two alternative burger
recipes containing zero beef.
INGREDIENTS
1.4kg good-
quality minced
rib or chuck
steak, with 2030
per cent fat
Sea salt and
freshly ground
black pepper
A little
vegetable or corn
oil for brushing
FOR THE
CLUB SAUCE
320g tomato
ketchup
80g American
mustard
These are pretty substantial burgers made with
good quality meat theres nothing cheap about
them. You can make the patties larger if you wish,
or miniaturise themto serve as party snacks.
HAMBURGERS
SERVES 4
1
66
STYLE
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Recently, I served turkey burgers in my
restaurant in Selfridges and they ended
up going down a storm. We played with
the recipe a bit and put a hidden disc
of stuffing into the middle. Turkey meat
is easy to find all year round in butchers
and supermarkets. The best portions
to use for burgers are thighs as they
dont dry out during cooking. Its worth
making a larger batch of the cranberry
sauce to save and use another time.
1 | Have three dishes ready,
one with the flour, well
seasoned, the second with
the beaten eggs and the
third with the breadcrumbs.
Put the whole mushrooms
through the flour,
shaking off any excess
then through the egg and
finally the breadcrumbs.
2 | Heat the vegetable oil
in a large frying pan and fry
the mushrooms on a medium
heat for 45 mins on each
side until nicely coloured
and cooked through.
3 | Slice the burger buns in
half and warmunder the grill.
4 | Assemble the four burgers
with the mushroomand
tomato, season with salt and
pepper. Serve immediately.
FIELD
MUSHROOM
BURGERS
SERVES 4
Find the largest field
mushrooms you can, ideally
the same size as a burger
bun. You can serve these
with a good tomato relish
or better still a mushroom
ketchup, which you should
find in good supermarkets
and delis.
1 | Make the sauce: put the
cranberries into a heavy-
bottomed saucepan with
the other ingredients, bring
to the boil, lower the heat
and simmer for about 30 mins,
until the cranberries have
broken down a little and the
liquid has thickened.
2 | Transfer the berry mixture
to a clean container or
sealable jar like a Kilner
and allowto cool.
3 | Season the minced turkey
with salt and pepper, then
mould it into patties a little
larger than the buns with
the help of a pastry cutter.
4 | Using a smaller cutter,
make a hole about 3cm
across in the centre of each
turkey burger and pack in
some sausage meat to fill.
Press the cut-out turkey
mince discs back around
the burgers, to cover the
sausage meat.
5 | Brush a ribbed griddle
pan or heavy frying pan with
oil and cook the burgers
for 45 mins on each side.
Slice the buns in half and
warmunder the grill. Place
the burgers in the buns
and serve the cranberry
sauce separately on the side.
DIRECTIONS
3
2
STYLE
FOOD
09/26 DIRECTIONS
INGREDIENTS
2tbsps flour
for dusting
2 small eggs
beaten
5060g fresh
white
breadcrumbs
4 large field
mushrooms
34tbsps
vegetable or
corn oil for
frying
4 burger buns
4 1cm thick
slices of
beef tomato
Salt and
freshly ground
black pepper
FOR THE
SAUCE
500g
cranberries,
fresh or
frozen
400ml freshly
squeezed
orange juice
250g sugar
1/2tsp ground
cinnamon
1/2tsp ground
cloves
1 bay leaf
INGREDIENTS
450g turkey
thigh meat,
coarsely
minced
Salt and
freshly ground
black pepper
100g good
quality
Cumberland
sausage meat
A little
vegetable or
corn oil for
brushing
4 burger buns
SERVES 4
EVERY DAY
T HI S MONT H ON. . .
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C
O
R
B
I
S
03
THE
FEATURES
LI BRARY
AA Gil l , Gil es
Coren and Tom
Parker Bowl es
l atest (and
greatest) hi ts,
al l in one pl ace
Actual size.
Meet the Nokia Lumia 1020,
with 41 megapixels and
reinvented zoom.
windowsphone.co.uk | #reinvented
| |
Shot taken with the Nokia Lumia 1020.
41 megapixel sensor takes maximum 38 megapixel image. Apps from the Windows Phone Store. Availability may vary.
Reinvented around you.
64GB Exclusive
Photograph by Xxxxx Xxxxx 71
STYLE
XXXXX
00/00
Photographs by Nice Images 71
THE WATCH COLUMN
JAMES GURNEY
FOR A WATCH TO TAKE YOU INTO THE
FUTURE TRY LOOKING TO THE PAST
STYLE
WATCHES
10/26
has a heritage of creating
watches using newmaterials
and cutting-edge designs.
Look into its archive and
you will see watches from
the Seventies that still look
modern today, something
that can be said of very few
other brands. I should
confess I wear a Sixties-
inspired Diastar thats 15
years old and has plenty
of people assuming its
this years model.
the old rather than starting
afresh. And even though
doing so still requires a lot
of time and money, the
risk is lower. Just look at
the enduring popularity of
Cartiers Tank or the
perennial success of the
Rolex Submariner.
On the other hand, some
brands have a responsibility
to take a more experimental
approach. For instance, Rado
part of the Swatch Group
If watch designers tend
to look backwards rather
than forwards when
designing timepieces, its
simply because its such a
successful strategy. Classic
designs sell consistently.
The process of taking a new
watch frompreliminary
sketch to on-sale product is
long, complicated and, above
all, expensive, so it is hardly
surprising that most
companies prefer adapting
Rados newHyperchrome,
discernibly the son of the
Diastar, mixes a very modern
blend of hardened steel,
ceramic and rubber details
with fluid lines and a range
of surface treatments, with
hugely successful results.
Ive included Bell &Ross
here despite the fact that
it has launched some very
retro-inspired watches over
the years thanks to the
brands willingness to
ESQUIRE
APPROVES
New BR126 Blackbird
by Bell & Ross
4,400
bellross.com
13mm
43mm
STYLE
WATCHES
11/26
deconstruct. If there is such
a thing as postmodernismin
watches, Bell &Ross wears the
crown. This is most obviously
apparent in the series of pieces
it has developed based on
aircraft instruments. Plenty of
designers have copied the
aesthetic of altimeters and
artificial horizons, but no one
else has subverted the idea
by making watches that, for
example, resemble radar
screens or direction indicators
(the BR01-92 series). Its most
recent retro watch inspired by
the famed US SR-71 Blackbird
spy plane fits this profile.
Chanel, on the other hand,
can be granted the accolade of
not just creating a newdesign,
but a newclass of watch, much
copied since. Introducing the
J12 was the equivalent of
inventing the SUV, it was a watch
that no one had really thought of
before. You can argue that other
timepieces were there first in
terms of dressy sports watches,
but it was Chanels designers
who really set the template for
others to follow.
10mm 41mm
13mm
45mm
72
Chanel J12
Superleggera
Chronograph
5,800
chanel.com
Rado
Hyperchrome
Chronograph
1,420
rado.com
FLAGSHIP STORE-44 Brompton Road, Knightsbridge, London
REGENT STREET STORE-233 Regent Street, London
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GROOMING
COLOGNE
Always given to me
as a Christmas gift.
TOOLS AND
TECHNOLOGY
KNIFE
Victorinox Swiss
Army knife.
BIKE Mmmmno, but
my wife wants me
to get a bicycle.
PHONE
Necessary evil.
APP KitCam.
JEWELLERY KTZ.
TRAVEL
HOMETOWN
Leicester, UK.
HOTEL
Hotel Splendido,
Portofino, Italy.
DESTINATION
Alassio, northern
Italy.
SUITCASE
Its gotta be the size
of a coffin. I do not
pack light, so huge
trunks only, please.
THE LIST
SERGE
PIZZORNO
KASABIANS GUITARIST ON THE
STUFF THAT ROCKS HIS WORLD
Steering his band fromOasis-besotted
teenagers to an award-winning arena act,
Pizzorno has maintained impeccable
rocknroll reference points, including the
work of Hunter S Thompson and Keith
Richards and a taste for big heels, eyeliner
and leopard print. The fashion world
approves: Pizzorno has worked with Armani
and is the face of G-Star Rawdenim.
STYLE
FASHION
12/26
PEOPLE
FASHION WORLD ICON
Noel Fielding.
REAL-WORLD ICON
Salvador Dal.
FICTIONAL STYLE ICON
Marv, Sin City.
MUSIC ICON
Keith Richards.
HOME
TABLE
An old converted
welding table.
LAMP
Renault 2CV
headlights turned
into a standing lamp.
SOFA
Turquoise leather.
PHOTOGRAPH
Hologramof
Keith Richards.
PET No.
RECORDS
If I had to choose
one, DJ Shadows
Endtroducing.....
FOOD AND
DRINK
WINE
Prosecco.
RESTAURANT
La Taqueria, San
Francisco. I would
get on a plane and
fly 11 hours just
to eat there.
SPIRIT
Admiral Vernons
Old J Spiced Rum.
BEER
Desperados.
SNACK
Pickled onion
Monster Munch.
DISH
Tacos.
SWEETS
Drifter chocolate bar.
David Preston
handmade boots.
Burberry, must
be velvet.
Versace.
Calvin Klein, black.
G-Star
RawElwood.
Black.
Mulberry.
Vans.
Aitor Throup.
a sporting life
Nick Compton, English National Cricketer
2 Savi le Row, London
816 Madi son Avenue, New York
kentandcurwen. us. com
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Illustrations by Alex Walker
WAYS TO
BOOST YOUR
WORKOUT
DONT WASTE TIME AND EFFORT
IN THE GYM: GET THE MOST FROM
EXERCISING WITH OUR PERSONAL
TRAINERS TARGETED TIPS
DO FASTED
CARDIO
This is cardio done
on an empty
stomach, first thing
in the morning.
Adding 12 sessions
of 3040 mins per
week will really help
to keep your body
fat down, and its
a great way to boost
your energy levels
and kick-start your
day into action.
SET
SMART GOALS
If you dont know
what youre trying
to achieve, its
very easy to
waste your time.
If your goals hit
all of the criteria
in this acronym
then youre on
track:
S - Specific
M- Measurable
A - Attainable
R - Realistic
T - Time bound
RECORD EVERYTHING YOU DO
You should always keep a diary of what you
have completed in the gymin order to track
your progress and to help set your next realistic
target. This could be weights, sets, reps,
distances or times. A good way to measure your
progression is to aimfor around a 10 per cent
improvement every two weeks.
THE SNATCH
Great technique and explosive
strength are needed as you lift
the barbell fromthe floor to
locked arms in one smooth,
continuous movement.
DUMB-BELL SQUAT INTO BICEP
CURL INTO SHOULDER PRESS
1. With the weights in each hand,
stand with feet shoulder-width
apart and performa squat.
2. Bicep curl the weights to
chest height, brace your abs
then performa standing
shoulder press. Exhale.
3. Pause at the top and then
slowly return the weights
to the starting position. Repeat
the required number of reps.
DUMB-BELL BURPEES INTO
SHOULDER PRESS
1. Take the weights in each hand,
stand with feet shoulder-width
apart and performa burpee.
2. Fromstanding, perform
a shoulder press. Return the
weights to the start position.
3. With abs braced throughout,
repeat required number of reps.
PAY ATTENTION
TO YOUR DIET
The amount of protein we need
depends not only on howmuch
exercise we do, says nutritionist
Laurent Bannock, but is also
influenced by genetics and
other factors such as body type
(gender and build). Conveniently,
protein requirement for men per
meal will be roughly equivalent
to the size of two of your palms
per main meal (one palm
for women). This needs to be
balanced with three or four
vegetable portions, which can
also be conveniently determined
using your hand; in this case
by the size of your fist. Using this
guide, quantities would work out
as one to two palms of
protein-dense food plus three
to four fists of vegetables per
main meal.
guruperformance.com
SLEEP
All muscle growth
and repair
happens during
sleep. Six hours
is the absolute
minimum, eight
hours is optimum.
Sometimes, when it
comes to exercise,
less really is more. If
you work a particular
muscle group to
exhaustion it can
require up to seven
days to reach full
recovery. Doing your
chest or arms every
time you go to the
gymwill not make
themgrowquicker, in
fact it can often have
the reverse affect.
SPLIT WORKOUTS
To gain lean muscle, dont do
weights and cardio in the same
workout. Cardiovascular
exercise increases levels
of stress hormones in the body,
which inhibits muscle growth.
Its safe to say many of
us spend our time in the
gympottering around with
little or no structure. Sure,
you can maintain your
general fitness or run off
those extra pints you had
over the weekend, but
are you really getting
anywhere? To maximise
your efforts in the gym, and
fast track yourself to body
changing results, here are
my top tips to help you get
leaner and stronger, faster.
USE SYMMETRY
Dont only work pecs, biceps
and abs. For balance and good
posture, counteract every
pushing move with a pulling
movement. Let me knowhow
you get on, or ask me other
questions @harryjamesonPT
DO COMPOUND LIFTS
Compound movements involve large muscle groups.
Athletes across many sports use Olympic lifts to help
improve strength and sports performance. These types
of moves are also great for getting rid of body fat.
DONT DO
SIT-UPS
Sit-ups dont give you
a six-pack, lowbody
fat does. Instead, do
2030 minutes of high
intensity interval
training twice a week
in addition to normal
training; and keep
your saturated fat
intake to a minimum.
Thats why you
should give each
body part a minimum
of 34 days
rest between big
workouts.
REST
STYLE
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13/26
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THE STYLE COLUMN
JEREMY
LANGMEAD
REV UP YOUR WARDROBE
WITH A BIKER JACKET
Whaddya got?:
The biker jacket,
as worn by Black
Rebel bike gang
leader Brando,
maverick antique
dealer Lovejoy
and this seasons
catwalk models
Howdo you get away with wearing
a black leather biker jacket? We know
howgood they can look: cast your eyes
over Marlon Brando in The Wild One
(1953); or Alex Turner in Arctic Monkeys
video for Whyd You Only Call Me When
Youre High?. Even Depeche Modes
Dave Gahan still gets away with
wearing one and hes nowrocking
51. On me, well, I tend to look like
an extra fromLovejoy (198694)
or, even worse, Cruising (1980).
I optimistically once swapped
half a London flat for a leather
jacket. I bought my first home,
with a mate, straight out of college
at the height of the Eighties property
boom. After spending a large part of my
11,000 salary doing it up, I sold it a
couple of years later as boomturned to
bust and, after repaying the mortgage,
I got back a paltry 1,200. I was so
pissed off I went straight to Prada and
spent it on a leather jacket identical
to the one TomCruise wore in Mission:
Impossible (1996). I still have it and yet
have only worn it once since you ask,
to an Islington goth club called
Slimelight. My button got accidentally
caught up in a girls cobweb top
and took a good five minutes to
untangle. By the time I was free again,
I discovered that my mates had left
the club; they thought Id pulled. In a
way I suppose I had.
What it comes down to, as is so
often the case with clothes, is frame of
mind. If you have the confidence, or the
conviction, that you suit a leather
jacket, then the chances are that you
probably do. Its when you start to
feel self-conscious, or a fraud, that
it all goes Pete Tong (or Freddie
Mercury, in my case). Sadly, Im
aware and have been for some
time that Imnot really a rebel
without a cause, that I look more
natural sitting astride a horse than a
Harley, and that I will always look like
one of St Josephs College Chapel Choir
than one of The Libertines. In a
nutshell, its very unlikely, on many
levels, that Kate Moss is going to leave
Jamie Hince for me.
The reason I mention this is that the
leather jacket, a classic that never truly
goes out of fashion, is particularly
popular this autumn. Whether its biker
jackets at Burberry or Saint Laurent,
leather bombers at Rick Owens and
Belstaff or shearling ones at Acne
and Ami, theyre hard to avoid.
Photographed in atmospheric black
and white on moody young models and
worn with a white T-shirt, dark jeans
and a pair of Chelsea boots, you can
certainly see the appeal. But if youre
not in the cast of Rumble Fish (1983, Im
keeping you on your movie-reference
toes this month), and popping to the
shop for some pitta bread rather than
heading out for a fight, just howdo you
make one work for you?
If you want to wear a leather biker
jacket, leave the bells-and-whistles
detailing for the real bikers. The plainer
the design, the easier it is to wear. Try
teaming yours with a pair of coloured
cotton trousers (a deep green hue will
work well), a crew-neck sweater (a
flecked number in grey or navy with
a bit of texture perhaps) and finish off
with a pair of chunky black leather
boots (the combat boots by Common
Projects are my favourites this season).
Otherwise, a leather bomber jacket
is always a safe bet. Theyre not so
rocknroll, and look especially non-
rebel in a good chestnut brown, though
avoid looking too like Martin Shawin
The Professionals (197783, yes!
Another vintage TV reference!). These
are especially dashing teamed with
dark skinny jeans, a matching polo neck
and a pair of brown suede desert boots.
Ultimately, of course, if youve done
your homework, youll head to US brand
Schott, who designed and produced
the first leather motorcycle jacket, the
Perfecto, in 1928 (originally sold for
$5.50 at a Long Island Harley-Davidson
dealership; Brando wore a Perfecto One
Star in the aforementioned film). The
NewYork-based company this year
celebrating its 100th anniversary
also produced leather jackets worn by
all US military services in the Second
World War, and later was a favourite of
leather-clad punk rockers.
With the Perfecto, youll be wearing
a leather jacket with a history of
rebellion even if youre actually teaming
it with a safe pair of chinos and a cable
knit sweater more mild one than
wild one. Whos for a nice cup of tea?
Jeremy Langmead is the editor-in-chief
of mrporter.com
STYLE
FASHION
14/26
STYLE
GROOMING
15/26
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Illustrations by Tobatron
NOT THE
FACE!
HOW TO BANISH BUSHY BROWS,
BLEMISHES, BLOTCHES AND BAGS
To an unlucky fewits something only
a mother could love, while to a charmed minority
it becomes their passport to fame and glory.
Whatever you think of your face, you only have
one so better learn to look after it. Make the
best of howthe world sees you with our guide
to getting your physiognomy in shape, fromour
selected grooming experts.
CRACKED LIPS
To avoid dry lips, take a fewminutes after showering to
gently clean lip area with Dermalogica Daily Microfoliant,
then apply Dermalogica Renewal Lip Complex to provide
a barrier against dryness and chapping. The Lip Complex
can be used during the day if lips feel slightly dry again;
its small enough to keep in a pocket. Deborah Gayle

Dermalogica Renewal Lip Complex, 24

dermalogica.co.uk
OPEN PORES
The best time to tackle blackheads on the nose is
straight after showering, when pores are opened from
the steam. Apply a layer of scrub to clean out pores. Then
use a mask to lift debris frompores and clear the skin.
Finish with a light, mattifying moisturiser. Do not scrape
away at blackheads with fingers as this can damage
skin. Deborah Gayle, The Refinery grooming salon

The Refinery Face Scrub, 20 the-refinery.com

SKIN BREAKOUTS
This cleanser contains oat amino acid derivative to
gently slough away surface debris and dirt and soften
skin, a combination of nordihydroguaiaretic and
oleanolic acids to control excess sebum, and cornflower
extract, known for its soothing and toning properties.
Jean-Louis Sebagh, cosmetic doctor/surgeon

Dr Sebagh Breakout Foaming Cleanser, 25

drsebagh.com
UNRULY EYEBROWS
Keep it natural; you want a shape that doesnt look
over-plucked. Only remove straggly hairs and if your
brows meet in the middle, pluck only a few. To get the gap
right, place a pencil up against each side of your nose
Vanita Parti, Blink BrowBars

feelunique.com
PUFFY EYES
The key extract within this eye peel is Regu-Age,
a blend of purified soy and rice bran that enhances
micro-circulation, reducing dark, puffy circles, while
also strengthening under-eye tissue. In addition, try
wrapping cucumber in gauze and placing it over the
eyes. This leaves themlooking revitalised and rested.
Ole Henriksen, skin cosmetician

Ole Henriksen Eye Peel, 39 feelunique.com

esqui re promoti on
your mobile device is as iNTeGral
To makiNG you look Good as The cuT
of your favouriTe suiT. aNd like Truly
GreaT TailoriNG, qualiTy couNTs.
The SamSung galaxy series of smarT
devices offers The ulTimaTe iN sTyle
aNd TechNoloGy for The sophisTicaTed
maN abouT TowN aT work aNd play
get smart
Trench coat;
wool-blend trousers;
glasses, all by Hardy
Amies. Cotton shirt,
by Gieves & Hawkes.
Silk knitted tie,
by Dunhill. GAlAxy
Gear in wild orange
and GAlAxy Note 3
in jet black, both
by Samsung
Designed with task-juggling in mind,
the GALAXY Note 3 puts you in charge.
A simple click of the S Pen button unlocks
features that can transformeveryday
activities into extraordinary events and
brings you a world of experience through
its 5.7inch full HD Super AMOLED display.
Faster and more powerful in a lighter,
slimmer design. Style matched with
substance just the way we like it.
1 STAND-OUT
MULTI-TASKING
One-click command
Designed to drive communication between you and
your GALAXY Note 3, the advanced S Pen puts you in
charge of your life. Discover howthe Air Command
feature can make daily routines easier. Find out
more at samsung.com/uk/galaxynote3
Clockwise from above: S-View cover in
mustard yellow, and flip wallet covers
in oatmeal beige (just seen) and mocha
grey, with GALAXY Note 3, all by Samsung.
Tweed and herringbone phone cases, both
by araree for Samsung. Orange leather
cardholder, by Herms. Blue leather
cardholder, by Alfred Dunhill.
Cufflinks, both by Tateossian
Cashmere coat, by Gieves
& Hawkes; flannel suit,
by Richard James; leather
satchel, by Dunhill. GALAXY
Note 3 back cover in glittery
green; GALAXY Gear in mocha
grey, both by Samsung
Lookingfor a tablet that performs as
brilliantly as it looks? Offeringpower and
portability ina sleek, fashion-forward
design, thenewGALAXY Note10.1 more
thandelivers. Perfect for catchingupon
thelatest onlineeditionof your favourite
magazine(that wouldbeEsquire, of
course), simply organiseyour favourite
resources withthemagazinestyleUX
andthenaccess your chosencontent
for a stylishreadingexperienceonits
brilliantly sharpscreen.
2 VIVE LA
RESOLUTION
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
Left, from top:
Sunglasses, by
Oliver Peoples.
Leather gloves, by
Herms. Messenger
bag, by Bottega
Veneta. GALAXY Note
10.1 covers in black
and white, both
by Samsung
Wool cardigan; green
satchel, both by Hackett.
Jeans, by Richard James.
Leather boots, by Hardy
Amies. Bracelets by
Tateossian. Document
holder (just seen), by
Paul Smith. GALAXY Note
10.1 in classic white;
GALAXY Gear in rose gold,
both by Samsung
Styleleaders knowit pays tostay ahead
of thecurve. Enjoy truecommunications
freedomwithSamsungs breakthrough
GALAXY Gear. It works seamlessly withyour
GALAXY Note3 toallowyoutoaccess your
phones mainfunctions fromtaking
messages tomakingcalls all directly
fromyour wrist. Smart deviceconnectivity
meets tailoredtechnological features and
sophisticateddesigninonesleek, premium
accessory. Stay inthemoment instyle.
3 STYLISH GEAR
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
Assorted leather bracelets, by
Tateossian. GALAXY Gear, shown in
lime green, jet black and mocha grey
For more information visit samsung.com/global/microsite/galaxynote3-gear
Wool blazer, by
Richard James.
Cotton shirt, by
Hackett. Trousers,
by Casely-Hayford;
Monk-strap shoes,
by Alfred Sargent.
Leather bracelets,
by Tateossian.
GALAXY Gear in
wild orange,
by Samsung
SOME ITEMS MAY NOT BE AVAILABLE IN ALL COUNTRIES
W
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The hybrid
Spyder will
be built in
a limited
edition of
918 examples
STYLE
CARS
16/26
PORSCHE 918 SPYDER IN NUMBERS
seconds from
062mph
2
litre, eight-
cylinder engine
875 657,400
ESQUIRE
APPROVES
Porsche 918 Spyder
porsche.com/uk
89
3
PLASMA VS LED
Theres nothing wrong
with the technology,
and plasma screens
still represent good value for
money. Its just that hardly
anyone is making themthese
days. All the effort is going
into LED (flat panel displays
that use LED backlighting),
and the next generation
OLED, or organic LED, where
a layer of light-emitting
organic material is used to
boost brightness, replacing
the need for backlit panels.
STYLE
TECH
17/26
ESQUIRE
RECOMMENDS
Samsung curved
55in S9C, 6,999,
samsung.com
1
THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING:
PICTURE QUALITY
Most 40in TVs nowcome
with full HD panels. You
want your newset to be HD,
so youll get the benefit of
HD-quality broadcasts and
Blu-ray. Other than that,
if youve ever walked into
a department store, stared
at all the TVs and thought
the pictures pretty much all
looked the same, theres a
reason. They pretty much
are all the same, says John
2
YEAH, BIGGER
REALLY IS BETTER
Youll have noticed TVs
are getting a lot bigger.
Two years ago, 32in was
considered large, Kempner
says. Now, thats a small
screen, for a second set; 40in
Kempner, vision buyer at
John Lewis. Some are a
bit more lifelike and sharper.
But really, its down to
customer preference.
The simplest test is to
look at any picture with a
lot of black in it, says Jason
Jenkins, editor of consumer
technology website Cnet.
If you can identify the
blackest black, that tends
to be the best overall
picture. A lot of TVs struggle
to do black accurately.
It looks like light grey.
HOW TO BUY A
TV
Illustrations by James Graham
ITS A NEON JUNGLE OUT THERE.
LET ESQUIRE BE
YOUR GUIDE
OLED
The very best Imax-
like picture quality
you can buy, but youll
pay for it.
is where large screens begin.
The growth is in 46in and
above really big screens.
Improved design technology
means smaller bezels (a sets
front surround) fit more
screen in the same space.
Plus, sets are thinner, less
intrusive and better
designed. When you get one
home and think thats a bit
big, within a couple of days
youll wonder howyou lived
without it, Kempner says.
Get the biggest set you
can afford, Jenkins says.
90
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18/26
8
3D? FORGET
ABOUT IT
Manufacturers arent
pushing 3D any more,
and broadcasters arent
making 3D programmes.
4K Ultra HD is a much
more impactful viewing
experience than watching
in 3D, Kempner says. Plus,
you cant Tweet or read
your phone or tablet so-
called second screening
wearing a pair of 3D
specs. Jenkins is less
ambivalent on the subject.
Its a total waste of time.
7
SOUND
The one bit that isnt
progressing in fact,
its going backwards
is sound, Kempner says.
You simply cant fit decent
speakers into something
the width of a magazine, the
one downside of thin TVs.
Buy a soundbar. We
recommend Sonoss Playbar
(599, sonos.com) or Monitor
Audios ASB2 (1,000,
monitoraudio.co.uk).
6
A WORD ON
REFRESH RATE
This is measured
in hertz. The higher
the number, the faster the
refresh rate, the better
the picture. This is
important when youre
watching something
with lots of action: sport,
especially. (A lowrefresh
rate is why you get a
mid-pitch judder.) The
ultimate refresh rate is
nowobtainable on OLED.
5
THE SECOND MOST
IMPORTANT THING:
SMART
Most 40in-and-above
TVs nowoffer Smart services
built-in wi-fi connectivity
for catch-up, Netflix etc.
Most have BBC iPlayer. Some
have Netflix and LoveFilm.
Others have a built-in
camera for Skype. Its like
buying a mobile phone,
Jenkins says. You want the
one with the most features.
4
HD VS ULTRA HD
Ultra HD, or 4K TV,
offers four times
the number of pixels
of full HD. The results look
stunning. Shame there
isnt anything to watch.
Theres nothing broadcast
in Ultra HD, Kempner says.
Yet. Expect content within
the next year or two.
ESQUIRE
RECOMMENDS
Sony Bravia
KDL-55W905 55in,
2,399, sony.com
ESQUIRE
RECOMMENDS
Panasonic Viera
WT600 65in, 5,499,
panasonic.com
LED
Its wrong to say
you cant get
a decent TV for
under 1,000,
Kempner says. In
fact, the choice
broadens out.
ESQUIRE
RECOMMENDS
Philips 6008S 42in
Smart TV, 899,
philips.co.uk
HD
Sharp, detailed pictures
delivered in the same
aspect ratio as cinema
screens.
ULTRA-HD
Four times HD resolution for
fantastic picture quality.
92
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STYLE
FASHION
19/26
Petit hs team
of designers and
artisans, in the
Herms workshops
in Paris
MIRRORS by Petit h
Discarded fabrics
line the shelves
and tabletops in
the Herms HQ
REFLECTORS by
Florence Bourel
SEATED LIONESS AND
LAID DOWN LIONESS
by Marjolin
Mandersloot
brands brilliant mens
creative director Vronique
Nichanian, an orange,
full-grain leather notebook
or a bottle of its classic
fragrance Terre DHerms.
Should your tastes veer
more toward the unusual,
you could do worse than
head to the brands new
store within a store, Petit h,
which opens later this
month. Showcasing a range
of unique items, the
temporary exhibition-cum-
sale takes residence in
Londons NewBond Street
Time was, if you were
a serious equine enthusiast,
you would have bought your
saddle fromParisian leather
goods brand Herms and
beautifully made it would
have been, too. These days,
horsey or not, youre more
likely to invest in one of its
other offerings: a midnight
blue suit designed by the
UPCYCLING
GETS SEXY
A RANGE OF UNIQUE ART FROM HERMS
TAKES THE TREND TO HEADY HEIGHTS
flagship for two weeks, from
20 November.
Overseen by Pascale
Mussard, a sixth-generation
member of the Herms family,
the exhibition features a
series of one-off objets dart
created by the brands
designers; and all made by
artisans fromthe Petit h
teamusing discarded pieces
of leather, silk and metal
hardware fromthe Herms
workshops in Paris.
Our pick? The leather-
coated stools (top, right):
Ikea they aint. hermes.com
TABOURETS
by Petit h

L TB
WN
C
GN B
BP A
SW
V Aw
96 Photograph by Luke J Albrt
STYLE
GROOMING
20/26
Vintage BR 126 Blackbird Automatic chronograph with Flyback function Limited edition to 500 pieces Bell & Ross UK: +44 207 096 0878 e-Boutique: www.bellross.com

N
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Experience Bollinger Responsibly
www.champagne-bollinger.com
@BollingerUK #BollingerByTheGlass
Li fe can be perfect
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OF THE
CHOPS
YOUR ONE-STOP
CHOP SHOP (AND
OTHER MEATERIES)
4
3
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1
There is surely no better
respite fromwinters bleak
chill than a hearty meal in a
chop house. The phrase alone
conjures up images of
Dickensian excess slabs
of meat scoffed in places of
warmth, comfort and
indulgence and seems an
archetypal British notion.
Londons latest, greatest
chop house, however, is
owned by Americans. And
irritatingly, theyre rather
good at it. Chop Shop on
Haymarket is part of the slick
Altamarea Group based
in NYC and has the requisite
distressed wood panelling,
exposed brickwork and
attractive waiting staff of
a Lower East Side hangout.
But the meat oh, the meat.
Starter highlights include
the charcuterie, duck-liver
mousse and the frankly
astonishingcottagepasta pie
(baked gnocchi with braised
oxtail). The mains are
superlative, too; steaks
are thick and tender (fillet)
or else rich and beautifully
textured (hanger), while
lamb chops with grilled
fennel are also faultless.
Chop Shop is a victory
both for our US cousins
and (more importantly) for
our nations great culinary
tradition. With house drinks
to complement the meats,
theres nowhere better to
banish the winter blues.
Esquires resident chef runs a tight ship in EC1.
Expect his trademark nourishing, nurturing British
cooking look for the Tamworth pork chop with
Poole cockles or bring a friend and tackle the
mighty Aberdeenshire porterhouse steak.

3637 Greenhills Rents, Cowcross Street,

London EC1 hixoysterandchophouse.co.uk
PATERNOSTER CHOP HOUSE
In the shadowof St Pauls and the London Stock
Exchange, the Paternoster Chop House serves
expertly cooked, impeccably sourced meat
to the Citys big hitters. Service is warm, and the
Hereford beef rib eye is very good indeed.

1 Warwick Court, London EC4

paternosterchophouse.co.uk THE QUALITY
CHOP HOUSE
This Grade II-listed
dining roomhas been a
Farringdon fixture since
1869. Lunch is la
carte, while dinner is a
set menu changed daily
(tip: visit when the
smoked brisket is on).

9294 Farringdon Road,

London EC1
thequalitychop
house.com
THE RIB ROOM
While seasonal fare is
served, as the name
suggests, ribs are the
main attraction.
The tender cuts of
meat are served with
big Yorkshire puddings
and terrific mash.

The Rib Room,

Jumeirah Carlton
Tower, Cadogan Place,
London SW1
theribroom.co.uk
Chopping and changing four other superb UK meateries:
A brief
history of
the beef
steak club
So taken was
London theatre
manager John Rich
with beef that, in
1735, he founded
the Sublime
Society of Beef
Steaks in Covent
Garden. Taking on
the motto Beef
and Liberty, the
society attracted
many luminaries of
the age, including
WilliamHogarth,
Samuel Johnson
and the Prince
of Wales. The
foremost activity
within the club was
a regular dinner of
beef, followed by
noisy revelry.
HIXS OYSTER & CHOP HOUSE
Chop chop:
Haymarkets
Chop Shop is the
flavour of the
month (and
considerably
longer, no doubt)
Chop Shop
66 Haymarket,
London SW1
chopshopuk.com
STYLE
FOOD
21/26
101
Enough prosecco to top up
the glass. A wedge of fresh
orange to garnish
5ml sugar syrup
12.5ml fresh lemon juice
25ml Beefeater gin
12.5ml Cynar
ESQUIRE
APPROVES
Cynar, 70cl, 16
thedrinkshop.com
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STYLE
DRINKS
22/26
BITTER
SWEET
SYMPHONY
CYNAR: THE FINEST LIQUEUR
YOUVE NEVER TASTED
Beloved in Italy but criminally
overlooked in the UK, Cynar (correctly
pronounced chee-nar) is a
distinctive artichoke-based (you read
that right) liqueur fromthe bitters
family of drinks. Only moderately
alcoholic (16.5 per cent) think of it as
Camparis mellower, moodier cousin.
Its fantastic, absolutely one of my
favourites, says Luca Missaglia, head
bartender at Quo Vadis members bar
on Londons Dean Street. Its slightly
higher ABV than Campari, but less
bitter. It cleans your palate.
Its versatile, too. It can be drunk
as either an aperitif or a digestif, says
drinks expert and chef George Howard.
Cynars 13 herbs balance the
sweetness and bitterness, making
it suitable for all sorts of occasions.
You can drink it neat over ice,
but I recommend it with soda, Italian
style, Missaglia says. Its a tip Howard
also enthusiastically recommends:
Its very cool, very Fifties.
Perhaps whats been holding Cynar
back is its lack of a signature cocktail.
Unlike Campari, which has the
Negroni, nothing is associated with
Cynar, Missaglia says. Esquire aims
to change that, starting with the
eminently drinkable Cynar Gin Fizz,
as made by Howard (recipe right).
When should it best be drunk?
Theres rarely a bad time, Howard
says. In Italy, I went to a small osteria
and Cynar was the only drink they had,
Pour all of the
ingredients except
the prosecco into
an ice-filled tumbler.
Top up with the fizz
and garnish with the
orange wedge
CYNAR GIN FIZZ
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For too long, buying a mid-price
suit meant buying something
baggy and badly made. The recent
glut of tailoring-focused brands
to hit the high street has changed
all that, with Scandinavian
label Tiger of Sweden leading
the charge. The brand, which has
recently opened a stand-alone
store on Londons Piccadilly, just
a stones throwaway fromJermyn
Street, is our go-to for slim-cut
tailoring with an affordable price
tag. Decked out in understated
shades of cream, the new
store is brimming with
the brands elegantly tailored
double-breasted blazers, slim-
fit trousers (with agreeably long
inside leg lengths) and simple
shirts. Alternatively, cash
in on this seasons deep black
sheep fur coat and brave
winter in true Swedish style.
tigerofsweden.com
If you were in any
doubt of Parisian
label Louis Vuittons
superbrand status,
look no further than
its spanking
newstore-within-
a-store in Londons
Selfridges emporium.
Spread over three
floors that are
connected by an
impressive double
helix elevator, the
space is one of the
largest in-store
footprints in the
world and will play
host to the entire
Vuitton mens ready
to wear collection:
a first for Selfridges.
Dreamed up
by French-born,
Japan-based
designer Gwenal
Nicolas, who
is perhaps best
STYLE
NEWS
23/26
THIS JUST IN
FROM THE REEMERGENCE OF A BRITISH CLASSIC
TO THE UNSTOPPABLE EURO POWERHOUSES
Founded in 1926 by Eric
Kent and Dorothy Curwen,
British heritage brand
Kent &Curwen originally
supplied ties to the British
military and select
universities. The brand
has just relaunched under
the aegis of newcreative
director Simon Spurr, the
British designer who cut
his teeth at Calvin Klein,
Ralph Lauren and Yves
Saint Laurent. Offering
classic suiting in
contemporary, slimcuts
alongside chunky
knitwear, cotton dress
shirts and soft tweeds;
this winter, the brands
outerwear is its strong
suit. Fromedgy leather
biker jackets to quilted
blazers and on-trend
parkas, our pick is this
grey wool double-
breasted overcoat,
which is versatile enough
to look the business
worn either with a suit
or, more casually, with
jeans and a jumper.
kentandcurwen.co.uk
102
KENT & CURWEN
The resurrection of a homegrown hero
1
known for his work
with Issey Miyake,
this innovative
shopping experience
will also feature
original artwork
by British artist
Barnaby Barford
and a digital Vuitton
archive, should you
find yourself in need
of any additional
style inspiration.
louisvuitton.co.uk
LOUIS VUITTON
The superbrands new superstore 3
2
TIGER OF
SWEDEN
Burning bright in
Londons West End
Double-breasted,
this seasons
essential cut
Burley Knit 48
Stores across the UK ~ fatface.com
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The darkest
hour
Features a PVD dark
titanium-coated
case, making it
super hard-wearing
BIG
TIME
TW STEELS GRANDEUR
DIVER COLLECTION GETS
A FACELIFT
The chunky timepieces by
Hollands The Watch in Steel
brand functionally abbreviated
to TWSteel have dominated
the dress-meets-sports watch
market since it was founded
in 2005 by father and
son Ton and Jordy Cobelens.
The latest high-octane
behemoths to emerge fromits
Swiss workshop represent a
stylish overhaul of TWSteels
Grandeur Diver collection,
notable for its vast numerals,
precise stopwatch function and,
thanks to the crown and
push-buttons that screwinto the
case, water resistance to 200m.
Beneath the stealthy
Dark Knight-chic exterior of the
45mm-wide TW704 featured here
lies a hefty chunk of high-grade
stainless steel coated with dark
titanium. No wonder TWSteel
was the official watch partner for
that other cinematic DC Comics
superhero of 2013; what better
ambassador for this hard-core
timepiece than the Man of Steel
himself, Superman.
105 Photograph by Andy Barter
STYLE
WATCHES
24/26
ESQUIRE
APPROVES
TW704 watch,
475, by TWSteel
twsteeluk.com
PU2055X1
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no supercar can come close.
Bikes get you around cities
and through traffic quicker
than anything else. All for
prices not far north of the
latest giant-screen TVs.
A newwave of design-led
bikes also puts themon a par
with their four-wheeled rivals
in the looks department, too.
Even if youve never been
tempted to ride a motorbike,
heres three that might
change your mind.
I look my best when
I take my helmet off after
a long motorcycle ride,
actor Eric Bana once said,
attempting to explain why he
rides motorbikes on a regular
basis. I have a glowand a
bit of helmet hair. A good
reason no doubt, but there
are plenty of other
attractions for having a
motorcycle in your life.
If you like speed and
gut-dropping acceleration,
STYLE
BIKES
25/26
ACES
OF PACE
THE NEW GENERATION OF HIGH-TECH
MOTORCYCLES WILL GET YOU THERE FASTER
AND STILL LOOKING GOOD
The Road Bike
1
ESQUIRE
APPROVES
Ducati 899
Panigale
ducatiuk.com
108
Ducati is on a hot
streak for producing
fine-looking eye
candy machines. This
new899 Panigale,
built to replace the
848 superbike, is
being called a
supermid a bike
with serious
performance but
The High-Tech
Bike
ZERO
ELECTRIC S
3
2
One of Triumphs most
popular models gets a
feisty makeover with
this R version. In come
lighter wheels,
a newsuspension,
race brakes and looks
to rival any Italian
superbikes on the
scene. A brute on the
The Track Bike
TRIUMPH
road, its full list of
credentials wont be clear
until its on the track.
And then you might need
asparepair of underpants.

triumphmotorcycles.co.uk
EN
GIN
E: 898cc
V-tw
in-cylinder
TOP
SPEED: 155m
ph
PR
ICE: 12,495
The technology used
by electric specialists
Zero is developing
fast; this years model
has a maximumrange
of 137 miles and top
speed of 95mph.
The simple control
systemno gears,
just brakes and
throttle and fluid
acceleration make
this a genuine option
for city commuters.
A newsmartphone
app also lets owners
keep tabs on range,
performance stats
and even change
settings like
top speed and brake
sensitivity. Its
completely silent,
too, so youll stay on
speaking terms with
the neighbours.

zeromotorcycles.com
STYLE
BIKES
26/26
EN
GIN
E: Z-Force
75-7
air-cooled
pow
er
pack
and
m
otor
TOP
SPEED: 95m
ph
PR
ICE: 13,495
EN
GIN
E: 1,050cc
DOH
C
3-cylinder
TOP
SPEED: 155m
ph
0
62M
PH
: 3.2
secs
PR
ICE: 11,349
with a touch more
practicality for
everyday use than
an out-and-out speed
racer. But were not
sure practicals really
the right word here.

899panigale.ducati.com
In a glass
of its own
A world of flavour
in its own special
glass discover
it with Graffigna
Centenario Malbec
Gragna
andits
founder
Santiagos
history
18701920
A true entrepreneur, Santiago
Graffigna establishes the first
winery in the province of San Juan,
extending the railway to improve
access and importing over 800
varieties of grapes fromEurope.
1944
The city of San Juan is destroyed by
an earthquake. True to the
Graffigna spirit, the family sees the
process of rebuilding the winery as
an opportunity, implementing
modern winemaking techniques.
W
ineis one of lifes great
pleasures anda good
malbec is at the topof
many a wine-lovers list.
But howcanyoutell the wine youve
selectedis going to deliver youa glass
youcanreally enjoy? What notes
shouldyoube looking for? Howcan
youenhance the experience? Does the
stemware youchoose really make a
dierence to its avour?
Discover a great winemaker and
the journey into discovering the
perfect malbec becomes a whole
lot easier. Withover 140years
of winemaking expertise,
Argentinas Gragna is a name
youcantrust to deliver every time.
Enhancetheexperience
It all starts withthe grape. The rich,
fruit-lledavours of malbec have
long made it Argentinas signature
grape, but, as one taste reveals,
Gragna Centenario Malbec is ina
avour-lledcategory all of its own.
The vineyards inthe SanJuan
region, home to Gragna, are placed
at several altitudes. The grapes grown
inthe higher vineyards inthe
Pedernal Valley leadto more
sophisticatedwines withanintense
concentrationof aromas andavours.
Gragnablends malbec grapes grown
at dierent altitudes to create wines
that have beenrewardedat tastings
andcompetitions aroundthe world.
Gragna Centenario Malbec was
the most awardedMalbec of 2007
2008, withthe 2008 vintage awarded
a staggering 90points (out of 100) by
legendary USwine critic Robert
Parker in2010. Most recently, it took
silver at the 2013 Argentina Wine
Awards just one year after
Gragna invitedworld-renowned
glassmaker Riedel to designthe
worlds rst bespoke malbec glass.
THE GLASS
Its dedicated glass
makes Graffigna
Centenario Malbec
taste even better.
Heres howit works:
1. The narrow-cut rim
helps to concentrate
aromas and directs
the wine to the centre
of thetongue, creating
a balance between
the key features of
malbec: its smooth
and sweet tannins, its
bold fruit flavours and
its mediumacidity.
2. The bowl size and
shape enhances the
intense fruit aromas.
Floral and spice tones
are underlined as well.
These features offer
a whole newway to
experience malbec.
Find out more at
facebook.com/
graffignawines
Experts have long agreedthat
the correct stemware enhances the
drinking experience andthis
carefullycraftedglass is noexception.
Along, large bowl andnished
narrowrimallows the full depthof
the avour of Gragna Centenario
Malbec to develop. Pure genius.
Spirit of adventure
Agreat grape needs a boldwinemaker
to bring out its best qualities and
Italianexplorer Santiago Gragna
was the manto do the job. Foundedin
1870by the Italianexplorer, Gragna
is one of the oldest wineries inthe
country(andthe rst to bottle wine).
Santiagos pioneering spirit led
himto establishthe rst operating
winery inthe province of SanJuan,
a stunning locationat the base of the
Andes where no one hadenvisioned
grapes might evengrow. Santiago
provedthemwrong, going onto
developthe largest experimental
vineyardof its time.
True to Santiagos legacy, over 140
years since he plantedthe rst vines,
Gragna possesses anadventurous
spirit that is matchedby the care with
whichitsvinesandgrapesaremanaged
at every stage of the viticultural and
winemaking process. The result? A
collectionof internationallyrecognised,
award-winning wines that suit any
occasion. GragnaCentenario
Malbecis availabletobuyat
Sainsburys, pricedat 9.99.
1970
Graffigna Centenario Malbec is
created to celebrate the winerys
100-year anniversary, joining two
other flagship Graffigna ranges.
THE WINE
Graffigna Centenario
Malbec is anextremely
food-friendly wine
and very easy to drink.
It boasts a rich,
rounded flavour, full
of very ripe, dark
berries with a touch
of black pepper and
spices. This pairs
perfectly with a range
of different foods,
fromgrilled meats,
to tuna steaks, and
even rich chocolate
desserts. Superb.
1
2
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
GRAFFIGNA CENTENARIO MALBEC SO
GOOD, RENOWNED GLASSMAKER RIEDEL WAS
COMMISSIONED TO DESIGN ITS OWN GLASS
ESQUIREREADEREVENT
Come and discover the rich, award-winning
flavour of Graffigna Centenario Malbec. Esquire
readers are invited to an exclusive five senses
masterclass with Graffignas wine expert,
Federico Lleonart, where you can sample
Argentinas signature grape fromone of its
leading wineries, in its bespoke Riedel glass.
The event will take place at a stylish London
venue in early December. Find out more and
reserve a place at: esquire.co.uk/graffigna
DRINK GRAFFIGNA RESPONSIBLY
KHAKI X-PATROL
AUTOMATIC SWISS MADE - WWW.HAMILTONWATCH.COM
113
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Edited by COLIN CRUMMY Film / Music / Books / TV / Games
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Culture
Shoreditch 55
Hackney 24
South 10
Central 7
West 3
North 1 (in Islington, obvs)
Well get you up on your foot in no time.
Medic to a soldier who has his leg amputated in A Young Doctors Notebook.
The Russian Revolution-set comedy starring Daniel Radcliffe and Jon Hamm returns to Sky Arts this month
Edinburgh
South
London
Shoreditch
Norwich
MORBIDLY UPBEAT DEVELOPMENT
IN DOCTOR, DOCTOR JOKES
Hackney
H
a
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p
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Edinburgh 3
Sheffield 3
Liverpool 2
Glasgow 2
Manchester 2
St Andrews 1
Gateshead 1
Stoke on Trent 1
Newcastle 1
Norwich 1
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121
Culture
Frank De Mulder has been
shooting gorgeous women in
a mode markederotic for
25years. The Belgian-born
photographers work has
cropped upin Playboy and
nowin his newcoee-table
collection, Glorious.
De Mulders models are
seen in fantasy locations,
dressed to the nines, then
taking it all o. Theres a love
hotel (one guess what goes
on there), some uninhibited
splashing around in the
ocean and before you knowit,
girl-on-girl action. (Such things
happen when youre cavorting
around in lingerie for a living.)
Happily for De Mulder, he
gets days to develop this level
of togetherness with the girls.
He explains his method: Often
there is little time to establish a
rapport with the model. It usually
takes a while before she feels
comfortable in her role. Thats why
my best shots emerge once weve
been out together for several
days. Smart man, Frank De
Mulder. And lucky.
G
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(
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w
Photographer
Frank De
Mulders got
the best job
in the world
hard to
dispute, on
this
evidence
M
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Culture
HOW TO
MEN
19
7
By funny guy Rob Delaney
(934,014 followers and counting)
Comedian Rob Delaney made his name on Twitter, ring o
amusing bon mots like, Turn that frown upside down and
angrily 69me before lunch. Hes so good, he bagged a book
deal out of it. Here, in 140character chunks, he oers advice
Rob Delaneys book Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban.
Cabbage. is out as an eBook nowand in paperback on 5 December (Blackfriars)
29
3
51
3
2
29
3
8
in the scene
clockwisefromtop:
Thebest waytocheck
out thepanoramic
viewsof SanDiego
Bayisfromthewater;
thecityisknownfor
itsdistinctive
architecture; visit
OldTownfor ataste
of authenticMexican
culture; boldsculpture
isoneof thefeatures
of BalboaPark; surfing
isapopular pastime
From laid-back
leisure pursuits and
brilliant beaches
to cool culture and
pulsing nightliFe
san diego has got it
covered. and to get
there? its got to
be British AirwAys
b
oasting over 70 miles of
coastline and more than
3,000 hours of annual
sunshine, a visit to San
Diego is a no-brainer for
anyone pining for a spot of
winter sun. But its not all
SeaWorld and family centred fun:
as the city that hosts the glorious
geek-fest that is Comic-Con might
suggest, theres rather more to this
Californian metropolis than meets the
eye. Fromthe cultural treasures housed
in the lush grounds of Balboa Park to
a round of golf on one of the countys
90 courses (including the renowned
Torrey Pines, host to the 2008 US
Open), youll be spoilt for choice.
eating & Drinking
Perhaps one of the most surprising
things about the city is its diversity.
Located just 20 miles fromTijuana,
youll find a huge Mexican influence,
whether youre cruising the taco
stands at Pacific Beach or hitting the
restaurants and cantinas of Old Town.
Theres a Little Italy, too (Filippis Pizza
Grotto comes highly recommended),
and more examples of Californian
let the
good
times
roll
cuisine that you can shake a palmtree
at. Try Searsucker for fresh seafood,
but not before you take in the view
froma cool, roof-top bar such as
SummerSalt at Hotel Palomar. Then
its time to hit the Gaslamp Quarter
for a taste of the citys nightlife.
things to Do
Sure theres SeaWorld and Petco Park
home of the San Diego Padres
baseball teamto explore, but they,
and the rest of the citys attractions,
will probably have to wait until youve
paid a visit to San Diegos beaches.
Whether youre pottering around the
shoreline of Mission Bay or trying to
hang ten with the surfers at nearby
Ocean Beach, this is San Diego at its
finest a little further out of town,
Coronados glistening sands have
been named the best in the US,
while La Jolla didnt earn its rep as
the jewel of San Diego for nothing.
where to stay
Fromhip hangout to historic hotel,
theres plenty of places to rest your
head. Movie buffs will get a kick out of
the Hotel Del Coronado, where Marilyn
Monroe filmed scenes for Some Like It
Hot, while Manchester Grand Hyatts
waterside location cant be beaten
for great views over San Diego Bay.
esqui re promoti on
travel
in style
As the only UK airline
to fly to all three
gateways into the
state, British Airways
knows California so
who better to help you
make the most of your
visit to San Diego? With
direct daily flights from
London Heathrowyou
can plan your break
to suit you. And
because its not just
the location that
counts, British Airways
works hard to ensure
your holidaybeginswhen
you arrive at the airport.
Flights with five nights
hotel stay, from 699; car
hire from 21 per day*.
Find out more and book
at ba.com/sandiego
micro-magic
microbrewery aficionados take
note: with over 70 breweries in
the county, san Diego is one of
the uss best destinations for
craft beer. the san Diego
Brewers Guide offers up-to-date
info on breweries large and
small. take a tour, enjoy a
tasting or two. You never know,
you might even learn something.
getting there
Plan your journey
and find out more
at ba.com/sandiego
sunshinestate
Whether youre
visitingseaWorld
(left) or exploring
itsmilesandmiles
of beach(aboveand
below), itsall thereto
discover insanDiego
*
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Culture
GIRAFFES ON
HORSEBACK SALADS
DIRECTOR: SALVADOR DALI
STARS: MARX BROTHERS (1930)
Dals limited script
Dals limited English
Hollywood not exactly having
a stomach for surrealism
Scenes of burning giraffes
(wearing gas masks)
General preposterousness
Potential reluctance of cinema
goers to ask, Two for Giraffes
on Horseback Salads, please
BLACK HOLE
DIRECTOR: DAVID FINCHER
STARS: KRISTEN STEWART (2008)
Finchers insistence on 10 repeatedly revised
script drafts
A difficult graphic novel as source material
when they dont do well at the box office
Dark content that rules out a younger demographic
Finchers commercial nous in question as
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button didnt
exactly fly
Black Holes plot of Seventies teenagers who
develop mutations makes execs nervous
The fact they get mutations through STIs
doesnt help its case. Told you it was dark
THREE POTENTIALLY GREAT FILMS
AND WHY THEY DIDNT GET MADE
MEGALOPOLIS
DIRECTOR: FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
(19842011)
Oscar for The Godfather
More Oscars. You can do anything!
Apocalypse Now takes a while
But is acclaimed on release,
thank Christ.
The Cotton Club less so
Start Megalopolis script anyway
Bram Stokers Dracula pays
some bills
Megalopolis script clocks in at
212 pages
And is super-complex, with many
subplots and characters
Taking its inspiration from the
objectivism advocated by author
Ayn Rand box-office gold! And
depicting a battle between an
architect and New York mayor to
build a city within a city
An idea that doesnt fly post-9/11
Nor, at a cost of $100m, in belt
tightening times in Hollywood
Admit: Theres no patron
out there
Help Sofia out instead
TE
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a
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t
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f
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OPTIMISM
RESIGNATION
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Think Tommy Hilfiger, think expertly
cut chinos, preppy button-down shirts
and beautifully bright jumpers in soft
textures, right? Well yes, but the brand
has recently added another impressive
string to its already ample bow.
Tommy Hilfiger Tailored is an
extensive newsuiting collection from
the company that made Americana
cool, and its one of the best weve
worn in ages. They offer a broad range
of single- and double-breasted suits,
tuxes, overcoats, trousers and jackets,
all cut slim(but not too slim). Fabrics
are high quality, with fine wools,
angoras and cashmeres sourced from
the finest artisan Italian mills such as
Loro Piana, Guabello and Colombo. But
prices are surprisingly affordable, so
whats not tolove? Nothing, thats what.
Here, our associate editor Teo van
den Broeke wears his brand new
Tommy Hilfiger Tailored suit, which is
cut frommidnight blue birdseye wool.
His thoughts? I hate the phrase fits
like a glove more than you can imagine,
but Imstruggling to find another way
to describe this suit!
esqui re reader event
Tommy Hilfigers
brand new Tailored
collection is fit for
work or anywhere,
for that matter
Tommy
makes
the cut
To help you get better
acquainted with
Tommy Hilfigers new
Tailored collection,
Esquire is hosting an
exclusive Gentlemens
Lounge on Saturday 9,
16, 23 and 30 November.
Taking place on the
lower ground floor
of the Regent Street
flagship, our lounge is
the perfect escape
for any discerning
gentleman. Whether
its having your shoes
shined, mastering a
perfect bowtie, or
personalising your
purchases with our
monogramming
service, you can enjoy
all this and more whilst
sipping a perfectly
made G&T in the
library-themed lounge
(alcohol served from
5pm). You can also
enter our exclusive
Instagramcompetition
while in store to be in
with the chance of
winning a Tommy
Hilfiger Tailored suit.
Need more convincing?
Bring this page with
you to any of the
events and receive an
exclusive 25 per cent
off Tommy Hilfiger
Tailored on the day.
See you on Saturday!
Findout moreat
esquire.co.uk/tommy
Visit our gentlemens lounge
double
button cuffs
scourfield says:
bridging the
gap between the
formal double
cuff and casual
single button
cuff. this
demonstrates
function by
allowing a wider
cuff to make
room for a
wrist watch.
ticket pockets
esquire fashion
director
catherine Hayward
says: despite
Victorian origins
as a functional
train ticket
pocket, todays
ticket pocket,
placed on the left
breast, serves
more as a stylish
detail than for
carrying your
oyster card.
knitted tie
esquire fashion
editor Gareth
scourfield says:
the rise of the
silk knitted tie
continues it
ensures your
neck gear looks
both smart and
contemporary.
plain colours
give versatility,
while the
knitted silk
adds texture.
leatHer sHoes
Hayward says:
brown in town?
its a shoe rule
that begs to be
broken. these
rich chestnut
leather oxfords
compliment the
dark blue tone
of the suit
proving that
black isnt the
only choice for
a formal suit.
129
Culture
GREAT MOMENTS IN MOVIES
THAT DID GET MADE
Its one thing to pretend to die on screen, but coming is
tougher. You cant imagine KimNovak faking an orgasm
in Vertigo (though her character fakes nearly everything).
Thats why Ryans timing is perfect. Her breathing
is strenuous, her arc sobrave yet predictable: we are
watching a gymnast do a complicated set of oor
exercises. And through it all there emerges the suspicion
that Sally lets stop there has maybe never had an
orgasmin her pert, pretty life.
FromDavidThomsons Moments that Made the
Movies, the lmwriter andEsquire contributing editors
pick of 72topmovie scenes. Out now(Thames &Hudson)
STARTING WITH MEG RYAN CLIMAXING IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
MOSH PIT FT DIZZEE RASCAL & TY
DOLLA $IGN
Sex on tap, fash weeks in Milan and
Paris, now hes eyeing up a Grammy.
Top notch brags, right there.
TRAMPOLINE FT 2 CHAINZ
The Diplo produced buzz single has plenty
to say about Tinies mansion and mistress.
LOOKING DOWN
THE BARREL
Suggests TTs
arrival into
the world was
welcomed with
open arms like
the statue in
Brazil.
SOMEDAY (PLACE IN THE SUN)
FT ELLA EYRE
The line about being in Madame
Tussauds is mere wishful thinking
at this stage, making this
soaraway ballad not quite the
brag it could be.
ITS OK FT LABRINTH
Tinie messes up in love and
chows down on humble pie.
A HEART CAN SAVE THE WORLD
FT EMELI SAND
Everything I have I fucking give it
a lot raps Tinie and you cant argue
with that on this stand-out track.
Breakbeats from Naughty Boy, Sand
in not annoying shocker.
LOVER NOT A
FIGHTER FT
LABRINTH
This one
reminisces
about sitting
on the settee
with a tin of
spaghetti.
Humble, except
Tinies doing
reminiscing
from the top of
The Shard.
DONT SELL OUT
Talks of trying to get fellatio/
from girls as fresh as Daisy Lowe.
At least he has to try.
HEROES FT LAURA MVULA
Why the fuck I am sitting next to
two MPs? A coded brag, for sure.
Demonstration (Parlophone) is out now
HUMBLE
Track
14
Track
11
Track
05
Track
04
Track
09
Track
01
Like most rappers, Tinie Tempah
has a penchant for a good brag.
So how does his new album rate
on the Esquire brag scale?
*We checked. They dont
W
E
A
R
E
S
T
U
D
I
O
3
3
.
C
O
M
|
G
E
T
T
Y
BEST
BRAGGER
LOST ONES FT
PALOMA FAITH
A humble lament
for love lost.
ExceptI never
let you get your
purse out.
THEY KEEP A
STATUE OF ME
IN MADAME
TUSSAUDS*
Track
06
Track
02
Track
12
Track
03
BRAG HUMBLEB
R
A
G
130
Culture
VOYEUR, VOYEUR
Vive le cinema! Marine Vacth reveals all
for the sake of arthouse
You knowhowit goes. There you are, a young
and pretty 17-year-old Parisian looking for a
fresh way torebel against your bourgeois famille.
You think, get tanked on table wine? Nah, youve
been drinking that juice since you were knee
high. Pop a pill? Mais non! Have you ever tried
clubbing in Paris? Cest trs dull. Instead, the
young and pretty Isabelle of Franois Ozons
Jeune et Jolie decides to spend her afternoons
as a call girl, undressing in chic Paris hotels for
older men with ready euros and sweaty palms.
So goes the premise of Ozons latest
mischievous dig at French middle class morals,
as the impossibly beautiful Isabelle played
by the impossibly beautiful actress and model,
23-year-old Marine Vacth upends the Left
Bank liberalismof her maman by having sex for
money she doesnt need. We dont quite learn
why Isabelle has taken up the day job, but we see
howothers viewher once all is revealed. Ozon
in a nod to Belle de Jour lets his lens gaze
longingly at Isabelle in all her dawning,
devastating sensuality sothe lmbecomes less
about her occupation andmore our xation with
that beauty. But oh, what beauty.
Jeune et Jolie is out 29November
BLOOD ORANGE:
CUPID DELUXE
Zeitgeisty Solange-
collaborator Dev
Hynes talent for
breezy rnb finds its
feet here with a dollop
of De La Soul-style
sweetness.
18 November (Domino)
GESAFFELSTEIN:
ALEPH
Kanye collaborators
debut was recorded in
the French capital,
which explains the
clean elegance of this
dark, dark American
Psycho in Paris techno.
Out now (Parlophone)
WHITE DENIM:
CORSICANA LEMONADE
These tripped out
Texans call this their
BBQ record, not the
best billing for your
winter release but this
is robust rock too
tasty to resist.
Out now (Downtown)
MIA: MATANGI
After the agit pop
disaster of Maya, MIA
returns with her much
delayed fourth album.
If nowt else, the
earwormingly great
Bad Girls is on it.
Out now (Interscope)
EMINEM IS NOT EXCITED ABOUT HIS NEW RECORD
Never mind. Here
are four from this
month to get
enthusiastic about
Ill probably
be most excited
to just be done
with it.
Eminem: MMLP2 is out now (Aftermath/Interscope)
Aspirited
display
ESQUIRE EXPLORES THE MACALLANS
REVERED 1824 SERIES
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
C
O
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P
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F
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1
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With whisky, a name can
be so much more evocative
than a number something
Bob Dalgarno, The Macallans
chief whisky maker, clearly
had in mind when crafting
the latest offering.
While the title of the
collection, The 1824 Series,
nods to the year of the
Speyside distillerys
inception, each expression
Gold, Amber, Sienna and
Ruby is named after the
colour of the whisky itself.
Each naturally occurring
hue is formed as the whisky
matures in exceptional
sherry-seasoned oak casks.
Sienna, arguably Esquires
favourite, is delightfully
complex. It boasts a warm
opening and subtle vanilla
nose, with zesty hints of
orange and green apple, and
a smooth finish. So, whats in
a name? Certainly Sienna,
by any other name, would
still smell as sweet but its
also a moniker that perfectly
embodies the very essence
of a highly covetable whisky.
We wouldnt change a thing.
To find out more, visit
themacallan.com
132
Culture Culture
Pin Drop
FREE
IOS
Avoid spending
the first pint
fielding where
the hell are
you? calls,
with this
location
bookmarker so
you all know
which pub youre
kicking off
from.
Flickr
FREE
IOS
Flickr boasts
a terabyte of
space for every
user. Thats
more than
500,000 original
quality images
right there.
Plenty space,
then, for happy
snapping drunken
antics.
Memoir
FREE
IOS
Youll want to
relive those
drunken antics
time after time,
which is where
Memoir comes in.
This app finds
photos when you
request them, no
tagging needed.
TiltShiftGen2
USUALLY 0.69 BUT EXCLUSIVELY FREE TO DOWNLOAD FOR ESQUIRE READERS FOR
iPHONE OR iPAD. GO TO ESQUIRE.CO.UK/APPS FOR FULL DETAILS
Exclusively for use with iOS7, this upgraded photo app includes lens blur, colour correction
and nine newlter types. Theres also a live previewbut the big hook is this apps
miniaturising eect, which should keep the pub frombecoming a bore. Look, a tiny
bag of cheese and onion crisps! Optimised for use with iPhone 5 onwards.
When Sir Paul Smith held business meetings in
Japan in the Eighties, he broke the ice (and the
language barrier) by producing a metal briefcase,
which he flipped open to reveal a toy train set.
He also had a rubber chicken he dangled in front of
potential clients. The toys became such hits that
both became a routine part of meetings,
which the designer claims helped
establish his label in Japan. You can see
both and a recreation of Smiths personal
office at the exhibition dedicated to his
work at the Design Museum this month.
Hello, My Name is Paul Smith 15 November
to 9 March 2014, Design Museum, London,
designmuseum.org. A book accompanying the
exhibition (Rizzoli, 40) is out now
Paul Smith in Japan, 2013
APPS ALL, FOLKS
Handy tools for a night on the tiles
By Sir Paul Smith (it
involves a toy train set)
Citymapper
FREE
IOS
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134
Culture
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REALLY
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STORIES
Sweeping up and four
other intriguing elements
to the New Zealand giants
game plan
SWEEP UP AFTER YOU
In the All Blacks, you never get too big for
your boots. Post-match, senior players will
stay behind to clean up the changing rooms.
Humility is taught in all things.
INVENT THE RUGBY CLUB
The All Blacks social night deliberately
harks back to the local rugby culture each
player has sprung from, reminding them of
why and how they came to be here.
SET YOUR WATCH 10 MINUTES
FAST
The All Blacks run on individual integrity.
This means total accountability, and by
actions not words. No one is ever late for
meetings; players set their watches fast.
NO TEAM TALK
Former head coach Graham Henry made
pre-match time the teams own, as part
of his devolved leadership plan. Its
one example of how he built a team of
leaders, not followers.
NO DICKHEADS
Have a mantra, even if it is shamelessly
stolen from Australian rules football team
the Sydney Swans. Also, be
curious enough to find
out what other teams
mantras are.
England v New Zealand
at Twickenham
16 November
From
Legacy:
What
the
All
Blacks
Can
Teach
Us
About
the
Business
of
Life
by
James
Kerr
(Constable)
is
out
now
FORMER MARINE
FILL WITH CASH. OWNER ARMED
reads the sheet of paper inside
the gym bag presented to the
bank cashier. Cashier reads,
empties cash drawers into bag.
A PERMANENT MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
Divorc moved down the road
from his ex-wife, kids and
their dog which is not a good
idea in retrospect, especially
for the dog.
CHRISTMAS PARTY
Christmas in Keene, northern
New York (pop 1,000), is so
devoid of social engagements
you go to your ex-wife, her
husband and adopted Ethiopian
kids party.
TRANSPLANT
What to do when the partner of
a heart transplant donor
wants to listen to said organ,
now successfully ticking over
in you? Hug her close, let
her listen.
SNOWBIRDS
Man drops to his knees on
Flamingo Park public tennis
courts, as if hed just won
Wimbledon. Keels over, dies.
FROM WITHIN
EACH OF
RUSSELL BANKS
NEW SHORT
STORIES
BIG DOG
Erik is irked his mate Sam has
married Raphael, one of his
ex-students. Eriks wife
wonders if Sam had married an
attractive female ex-student,
Erikd be more receptive.
BLUE
The car dealers at Sunshine
Cars USA talk about you once
your back is turned, mostly
to suss how much they can
push you to spend.
THE INVISIBLE PARROT
Billy is a white guy who
thinks he gets black people;
but dont trust him as hes
got an imaginary parrot on
his shoulder.
THE OUTER BANKS
Ed, 72, and Alice, (age unknown)
leave what remained of their
lives in Troy with a plan to
hit the open road, see the US
and then die.
LOST AND FOUND
The hookers at the Heating
and Plumbing Suppliers National
Business Association annual
meeting are the friendliest
women in the room.
A Permanent Member of the Family by Russell Banks
(Clerkenwell Press) is out on 14 November
Esquire book reducing machine
Power
0
full full
NOTE
TO
THE
GROUNDS
STAFF
AT
TWICKENHAM:
Y
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F
F
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A
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C
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Photograph by Xxxxx Xxxxx 3
In the
frame
The Nikon Coolpix S9500
comes with a range of
modes to suit every
possible shot from
dedicated panorama
settings to 3D. Youll
find all the usual
suspects when it comes
to filters for snapping
fun and did we mention
the joy that is one-press-
to-record HD video?
Easy peasy.
Take
your pic
Shooting in lowlight?
Not a problemISO
settings that go up to
3200 take care of that,
while the cameras
frankly astonishing
22x optical zoombrings
every detail in a scene
sharply into focus.
Hello
handsome
Punching way above its
weight, this premium
compact isnt just good
looking and easy to use;
most importantly,
it delivers brilliant,
pin-sharp images,
anywhere, anytime.
Spread
the word
When it comes to
uploading photos,
many compacts fall short.
Not the Coolpix S9500.
With its wi-fi you can
share instantly via your
smart device, while GPS
tracks not just when you
shot, but where. Before
you do anything, however,
check and edit on its
3in OLED display.
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
If youve fallen into the
habit of reaching for your
smartphone when it comes
to capturing life frame by
frame, then take it fromus,
youre missing a trick. Would
you willingly fly economy if a
first-class upgrade was on
the cards? No, you would not.
So why settle for second
best when it comes to
banking memories?
The phrase small but
perfectly formed may be
one of the most overused in
the modern lexicon, but
when it comes to the Nikon
Coolpix S9500, it couldnt be
more relevant. And hey, its
nearly Christmas, so while
your own Coolpix will let you
capture all the fun and
frolics for posterity, why not
spread the love and give
someones Christmas
stocking the ultimate filler?
Find out more at nikon.co.uk
IF A JOBS WORTH DOING, ITS WORTH DOING WELL.
CAPTURE YOUR CHRISTMAS WITH THE COOLEST
COMPACT AROUND, THE NIKON COOLPIX S9500
Freeze frame
136
G
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Culture
In indie comedy Don Jon, Joseph
Gordon-Levitt has created a guy who
would rather watch PornHub than be
in bed with his girlfriend, Barbara, played
by Scarlett Johansson (see Esquires
interview, page 170). Jon Martellois a New
Jersey wide boy obsessed with his pad, his
ride, his body but mostly with porn, tuning
in up to 20times in a day.
It looks like that pastime may be history
when Johansson turns up. But Don Jon is
nostraight romcom, just as 32-year-old
director, writer and star Gordon-Levitt is
no straightforward Hollywood player. So,
the lmtakes a condent cocky even
left-eld turn, musing on male and
female expectations, satirising Hollywood
romance and striking out way beyond
date-movie territory with its smorgasbord
of sordid sex, as watched by Jon.
ESQUIRE: What gave you the idea for a
comedy about porn addiction?
JOSEPHGORDON-LEVITT: Pornography
is the most extreme example of
objectication, the way that we turn sex
into this object, [which] happens
throughout our relationships with media.
They are selling you an over-simplied
fantasy and we consume it because that
kind of simplicity is appealing.
ESQ: But Jons girlfriendis
equally obsessedwith the fantasy
of romance.
JG-L: Exactly. Barbara has learned
about sex through Hollywoodmovies
in an equivalent way to howJon has
learned about sex through pornography.
I ammaking a comparison between
pornography and the rest of our media,
even perfectly mainstreamstu.
ESQ: In the lm, the couple watch a
parody of a Hollywoodromance,
starring Channing TatumandAnne
Hathaway. Then there are montages
of Jons porn stash, showing X-rated
scenes. Have you createdthe most
uncomfortable date movie ever?
JG-L: My theory is that if a couple is doing
well and really likes each other then its
a great date movie. Maybe if the couple
doesnt communicate very well I could
see it, as you say, being uncomfortable.
ESQ: It couldbe inexpensive therapy
JG-L: Well, it could start a conversation.
And for me, thats an ideal date movie.
You go see a formulaic romcom, theres
nothing to talk about afterwards. Its this
happy ending that life can never live up to.
ESQ: Jons addiction becomes absurd
when hes in bedwith a girl as hot as
Johansson andhe still reverts to porn.
JG-L: I dont think it seems ridiculous.
The point I wanted to make with that is
that its not about howhot she is. You can
have a girl as hot as Scarlett Johansson
and its really not about howgood looking
she is. What he wants is something with
no interaction. Its just pure consumption.
Thats a really strong metaphor for how
this character is with his whole life. Hes
not interacting with anything.
ESQ: You dont seemso keen on his life
as a bodybuilder, either. Didyou enjoy
bulking upfor the role?
JG-L: I denitely didnt. It was really good
research getting into that character
headspace, being so into your appearance
and working so hard on it. Its not even that
healthy, bodybuilding. I was eating
multiple pounds of meat, chicken and
sh every day. Thats too much meat.
I dont think its great for your heart;
but it does make you big.
ESQ: Otheproteinshakes now?
JG-L: Oh yeah, I stopped immediately
after lming.
ESQ: What doyoupersonally wastetoo
muchtimeon?
JG-L: Man, these days I work pretty much
all the time. Imglad to do it. I wouldnt
necessarily say its a balanced life. I dont
think I can keep it up at this rate forever
but Imhaving a good time.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt puts a bomb under the
traditional Hollywood romcom
THE PORN
ULTIMATUM
MY PORN
MOST IMPORTANT SO-SO
> MY BODY > MY PAD > MY RIDE > MY FAMILY > MY CHURCH > MY BOYS > MY GIRL?
D
o
n
J
o
n
i
s o
u
t
8
N
o
v
e
m
b
e
r
DON JONS PRIORITIES
Toughlove
STYLE AND STRENGTH IN ONE ELEGANT PACKAGE
INTRODUCING THE MTG SERIES FROM G-SHOCK
solar power and multi band six atomic
timekeeping, look pretty smart to boot.
FinishedwithaCoreGuardmetal frame
that both protects the timepiece and
looks impressive when flashed from
beneath the cuff of your jacket, the
MTG also comes with built-in vibration
resistance and rotating washers,
which prevent screws loosening and
ensure the watchs robustness.
And if that wasnt enough, the new
watches also feature multi-band
six-radio control, a 1/20th of a second
stopwatch and a composite layered
strap. All encased in a range of fine
finishes to see you frommountaintop
to ambassadors reception in perfect
style. Nowall you need is the suit to
go with it wet or otherwise.
Find out more at g-shock.co.uk
It is one of the most individual
expressions of personality, style
and lifestyle. If what you wear on
your wrist speaks volumes, only one
other thing says more: performance.
Time was, however, if you wanted a
sports watch that you could wear as
easily with your wetsuit as you could
with your tux, youd probably have had
to go without. Hard-wearing timepieces
and smart attire simply didnt mix.
Fortunately, things have changed,
and its thanks in no small part to
Casio G-Shocks brand-newrange
of super premiumMTG watches.
Boasting all the toughness youd
expect froma classic G-Shock
timepiece, the MTG-S1000 series
features three watches, which,
alongside 200mwater resistance,
ReADeR eveNT
Get up close and personal with
the new MTG range at Esquire
and G-Shocks exclusive event
on 19 November. Taking place in
the Covent Garden flagship store,
you can experience the range
for yourself and watch amazing
footage of the RAF ski team
sporting the watch on their recent
trip to the slopes of the Chilean
Andes. To register for a place
go to esquire.co.uk/casio
esqui re promoti on
Casio G-Shock
MTG-S1000-1AER,
880. Available
from Casio
stores or online
at casio.co.uk
C A R S
Cars FERRARI
The assembly
line inside the
Ferrari factory,
Maranello, Italy
I
ts not easy choosing
your ownFerrari. As
ridiculous as that
statement sounds, its also
true. Having daydreamed
about this moment for
years, youthinkyoud
knowit all opat. Turns
out youget sweaty-palmedover every
tiny detail because youll probably
never get this chance againandyou
reallydont want toscrewit up.
Fromthe moment Esquire was
invitedto go throughFerraris new
Tailor-Made programme to create our
very own458 Spider, it took us six
months before we were happy with
our choice of carpet trim, let alone
the colour for the paintwork.
EachFerrari customer is allocated
their ownpersonal designer to guide
themthroughevery detail, inside and
out: a welcome overture as the choices
canbe paralysing.
Maybe we got too excited. You
canmake it camouage if youwant
to, they toldus. They shouldnt have.
Let looseontheinnite
combinations, we made every caliper
a dierent colour, every seat a
dierent trim, andthe bodywork
a two-tone greenandyellow.
Whenthe rst renders came back
a fewweeks later, it lookedlike a child
hadfashioneda car froma packet of
Skittles. Its hardto make a 458 look
horrendous, but somehowwed
managedit. Lessonlearnt.
Take two. Thenthree andfour.
As eachversionbecame gradually
less experimental, the penny nally
droppedthat simplicity rules andwe
settledona theme. Black. Metallic
black body. Matt black body features.
Black wheels. Ina rare moment of
decisiveness, we evenaskedfor the
Ferrari badges to be takenothe cars
sides. The result wouldnt have looked
out of place inBatmans garage.
Are yousure youwant to lose the
badges? our maninItaly asked. Er,
yes, came our unconvincing reply. At
last, our Ferrari was about to be built
andwe couldtrack its progress from
nowuntil the day it rolledothe line.
Back came our sweaty palms. Six
months later, we got a phone call.
Aphone call every manwouldlike to
Components of Ferrari's eight- and 12-cylinder power
plants are first bench-tested then put together by
the Engine Assembly Team. Each Ferrari engine is
assigned an individual craftsman to build it, using
electronic wrenches to certify the torque settings.
Engine Technology Area
2
C A R S
1 2 3
The V8 engine for
our Spider with
clutch unit and
gearbox attached
Special pincers
lift the cars
to fit the parts
and electrics
The cars continue
down the line, on
their wheels, as
the trim is fitted >
3
1
Inside the Ferrari factory,
the production operation
sprawls over 21,000 sq m,
divided into assembly
lines installed over
two levels. The eight- and
12-cylinder models are
manufactured separately.
Assembly Line
Designed by French architect
Jean Nouvel, the Nuove Linee
di Montaggio (NewAssembly
Lines) is the most recent
addition to the Ferrari plant
at Maranello. These massive
hoists, built by Comau, rotate
to achieve the perfect access
height for the assembly crews.
The Factory
144
receive at least once inhis life. Your
new458Spider is readyfor collection.
Evenbetter, we were going to drive it
all 912 miles back toLondon.
T
he Ferrari factory andHQin
Maranello, Italy, is more like
a shrine to the prancing
horse thana conventional
automotive plant. Everyone rides
aroundonlittle Ferrari bicycles and
wears little Ferrari badges, andeven
the bins are rossocorsared. Ahushed
air of respect seems to fall over
visitors andemployees alike the
moment they pass throughthe gates.
Amorningspent visitingthe
factoryoor andthe hallowedhalls
andexhibits inthe Museo Ferrari is
the perfect introduction. Aleisurely
C A R S
three-course lunchfollows inwhat
must be the highest quality sta
canteeninthe world, complete with
post-meal macchiatos andFerrari-
brandedpackets of sugar. Undeniably
civilised, but we cant concentrate.
So, whendoweseethecar?
Sensing our desperation, were
takenby our hosts to a nondescript
empty room. Empty that is, except for
a very large curvy car-shapedobject
under a tight dust sheet.
After ve minutes of walking
aroundit, too scaredto ndout if the
choices we made were right, we pull
the sheet, whichslides onto the oor
inwhat seems like slowmotion.
Our rst thoughts are howwell
the matt black roof contrasts withthe
metallic bodypaint. Howwell the
yellowbrake calipers work against
the black wheels. Howdamngoodit
looks. We wouldnt change a thing.
Inside, its the same contrast of
glossy black leather seats andmatt
charcoal Alcantara upholstery, witha
yellowsteering wheel stripandyellow
speedo the only ashes of colour.
Every toy we managedto cram
inis here somewhere, fromthe button
that brings the nose upover speed
bumps, to the black andyellow
leather golf bag. Hey, younever know.
Onpressing the redstarter
button, the 4.5-litre V8 erupts ina big,
visceral grunt before settling into
a harmonious rumble.
As we leave the factory, our new
car throbbing its way throughthe
20kmphspeedlimit, a small crowd
seems to have gatheredat the gates to
see us o. Its not for us its just what
happens aroundhere.
Y
ouget to knowa car ona
900-mile journey through
Italy, SwitzerlandandFrance.
Theenginenoiseas you
changegear or acceleratenever gets
boring. The gripis sotight youfeel like
youre gluedto the road. Its so easy
todrive, that youforget youre ina
supercar. The occasional glance inthe
wingmirrors whenchanginglanes
andyour eyecatches thecurveof the
bodypanels, reminding youwhat
1 2 3
Leather in the
selected colour
laid on the laser
cutting table
Machinists stitch
and assemble the
cut-out luggage
components by hand
Two of Esquire's
car bags with
logo, badges and
matching stitching
4 5
Luggage includes
a golf club bag
(4,320) to fit
behind the seats
Finished bag set
(4,030) stowed
snugly in the
458's front boot
>
To complete our
customised 458 Spider,
a set of personalised
luggage in the colours
of the car with the
Esquire logo stitched
on it was specially
handmade at the
factory all part
of the Ferrari
Tailor-Made service.
Bespoke
Luggage
1
4 5
3
146
youre driving. That andtheregular
thumbs-ups frompassing drivers.
This car was built for empty dual
carriageways. Yougoslower just to
giveyourself theexcusetoput your foot
downagain. Unlike the majority of
Britishdrivers onthe roads inFrance,
we avidly welcomedthe appearance
of another barrier of peagetoll booths.
It meant wecouldroll toadeadstop,
and, after payingthetoll, reset the
cars drivefunctions toRacemodeand
screamoinanexplosionof engine
noise andexhaust heat.
Just outside of Calais, ona perfect
roadwithout a tractor or Renault
Twingo to slowus down, the
inevitablehappens. Thegendarmeries
blue lights ashinthe wing mirrors.
After acurt exchangeof paperwork
anda 100ne, a smile appears on
the policemans face.
Language barrier aside, it was
clear what he wantedus to do welly
it oinfront of himso he couldhear
that V8 inall its glory. Its proof this
car has magic powers.
WithLondonapproaching, the
realisationwe have togive this car
backhits us likeahaymaker intheribs.
Soon, wednever feel the pull of this
sports steering wheel again. Never hit
the roof-downbuttononaclear day.
Never hear the engine revs hit
8,000rpmthroughanalpinetunnel.
Better to have lovedandlost.
Andthis was denitely love.
ferrari.com
C A R S
1
2
3
4
5
The factory stock V8 engine
in our 458 Spider redlines
at 9,000rpm
For the rear end, we chose
sport exhaust pipes in matt
black (432)
Unmistakable curves are set
off with 20" black painted
sports wheel rims (3,615)
Two-tone Nero Daytona
bodypaint with Nero Opaco
roof and sills (7,048)
Alcantara/leather interior
in charcoal (5,062);
electric seats (4,030);
steering wheel detail (310)
1
2
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147
C A R S
the PLAN
Ferrari Tailor-Made is the new
personalisation programme
fromthe legendary "prancing
horse" brand which allows
prospective owners with
deep enough pockets to
specify every last detail of
their car. Esquire's beautiful
(temporary) pride and joy
cost 198,971 for the basic
458 Spider, to which were
added 58,656 of extras.
Now Come And Get It
ESQUIRE'S BESPOKE FERRARI 458 SPIDER
5
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Phoningit in
Late at night ina Londonoce block, Lacey andLily are
waiting for your call. Esquire goes behindthe scenes at
Babestation, the softcore TVphenomenonthat clearly no
respectable modernmanwouldever watch. Whichmight
explainwhy it is insuchrude health
By
Nick Duerden
Photographs by
Chris Leah
Model LaceyLorenzo,
left, andher colleague
Savannahprepare for
another nights work on
Babestationadult TV,
London, August 2013
149
Television
150
Television
E
ight oclock ona balmy August night andve menare
gathered around a table on an oce rooftop terrace
inLondontalking about girls. The menare producers
on Babestation, and so theyre not just shooting the
breeze here. This is business. Broadcast live fromthe
studios below, Babestationis the UKs best-knownTV
sex line, the premium-rate phone-in show where models in various
states of undress invite late-night viewers to call in or text them. The
producers discuss whichgirls are elding the most calls, andhowthey
might persuade the 95 per cent of the men who, at any one time, are
watching but not dialling their phone. A shower scene is suggested.
Perhaps some girl-on-girl action? Occasionally, they actually get
agirl callingin, andthis is always goodfor business. GIRLCALLER!
ashes up on screen and viewers are encouraged to eavesdrop on the
conversation, at the rate of 1.50 per minute.
Babestation is softcore. Though the girls go topless, mime
masturbation and generally jiggle about for all theyre worth, Ofcom
rules state they must always wear a thong. (Furthermore no girl can
thrust her crotchat the camerafor more thanve unbrokenseconds.)
But Babestationhas comeupwithanovel waytocircumnavigatethis. In
this regard, it may be consideredsomething of aninnovator ina eld it
nownds stued with imitators: Red Hot Amateur, Red Hot Mums,
Red Hot 18s, Cheeky Chat, Dirty Tube, Blue Kiss TV, Essex Babes,
GirlGirl, Filth and any number of other adult channels nestled inthe
higher numbers of your Freeviewor Sky Box. Anyone after a pants-o
shot of aparticular girl is invitedtotext anumber, andamore revealing
photo will be sent to their phone by SMS. Yours to keep, for 3 a pop.
Last night, Babestation sent more than 2,000 of these photos.
Its that intimate connection, one of the producers tells me. They
see these girls on TVand in some instances have had phone sex with
them. The idea of thenhaving a private photo, a memento, is a thrill.
After 20 minutes, the producers are done with their meeting
and they drift down to the lower floors, where three channels
(Babestation, Babestation Xtra and Babestation Blue
indistinguishable, content-wise) are being lmed. By 9pm, the night-
shift girls are ready on what passes for their stage, a rmmattress
upon which they perch in bra and knickers, smiling with teeth and
tongue. Each is armed with a cordless telephone that they jiggle as
deftly as they do their buttocks to a tinny soundtrack of constant
dance music. Call me, they mouth (while everyone at home can see
them, only those that call can hear them).
Though the girls are free to view24 hours a day, the temperature
only gets ratcheted up between10pmand 5.30am. During daytime
Ofcomagainits friendlychat, andnothing stronger. But from10pm,
the pouting becomes more concerted, andbefore long models breasts
are revealed, usually one by one. So long as the conversations remain
legal (no incest talk, nothing animal-based, a producer claries), its
pretty much a free-for-all: real rude talk with a real live girl.
B
abestationcelebrates its 12thanniversary next year, during
which time it has become something of an institution.
Though so-called babe channels have existed since 1995
when the USs Playboy TV started Night Calls, a phone-in
showwhere callers could direct the action being played out by the
models, Babestation was the rst of its kind in the UK. What started
as a two-hour experiment in a dead slot (11pm1am) on the Game
Network, anow-defunct videogames channel, has heldits ownchannel
onSky since 2006. It cannowboast some of the UKs hottest models,
glamour girls, porn stars and just simply hot girls.
Last year, the photographer Bronia Stewart spent nine months
behind the scenes for a series of photos that challenged ideas about
adult TV and were exhibited at Londons Photographers Gallery.
Babestationhas gone fromindiscussible topart of the broader cultural
conversation, a way for menoutside pubs andinside oces to ribeach
other over late-night viewing habits. Ive recently invented a show
calledShowUs Your Bumfor TenPence, the TVcritic Charlie Brooker
wrote inaBabestationreview. Afour-hour broadcast inwhichviewers
nationwide are encouraged to send inphone snaps of their backsides
in exchange for a 10p discount on their next mobile phone bill.
Though Babestation is now a global concern with a presence
in Brazil, Germany, Ukraine and South Africa it perhaps remains
a curiously British confection, another example of our steadfast
refusal to take sex seriously that runs fromsaucy seaside postcards to
Confessions of aWindowCleaner toPage 3 toViz. For anyone whocame
of age duringthe pre-cable Eighties or Nineties, its alsoperpetuationof
the thrill that, if we stay up late enough, our TV set will reward us
with a little raunch. Its certainly a point of dierence with some of
our European neighbours, where boobs on telly are famously used to
Inthe Babestation
studio, aproducer
monitors camera
angles andlive feeds.
Ofcomrules state
that models must
wear athong
Nightlybroadcasts
beginwithjiggling
onlyandlingerie in
place: here, Lacey, is
lmedbyproducer
JustinLynch
151
Television
sell virtually any product you canthink of, morning, noonand night.
But thesinglemost remarkablethingabout Babestations continued
success is that it has ourishedduring a decade where the availability
of hardcore pornhas rocketed, accessible todayonlaptop, smartphone,
tablet or any number of other internet-connected devices. Not least,
it must be said, smart TVs. YouTube-style porn sites like RedTube,
YouPorn and the rest oer a constantly updating compendium of
hardcore, for free. As such, the relatively chaste pants-on titillations
over on Babestation would scarcely seem worth bothering to scroll
downthe remote for. The pay-per-viewpornmovie business has been
wiped out by the compilation clips sites. But Babestation continues
to thrive. Howcome?
Perhaps, according to its makers, because it is so low-key. The
adult business has come to realise that for all the high-budget sex
scenes youcanshoot on35mmlmwithbig-name pornstars involved
in superhuman acts, what punters actually enjoy watching most are
amateur couples those who look like theyre having sex for fun,
not money. Right now, the biggest growtharea inadult entertainment
is in webcam performers. These models seldom try to disguise the
fact theyre working from home. Thats what makes them real.
One of the biggest adult sites, and the 61st most popular site on the
whole internet, is LiveJasmin.com: a live video service with 900,000
performers worldwide.
And its this interactive element that really accounts for
Babestations success. See a model you like? For a price (and
a maximumof 20 minutes), she can be, in inverted commas, yours.
Hardcore rarely oers one-to-one connection with a friendly voice.
And Babestations girls are certainly friendly, having been trained
accordingly inthe almost tantric art of sex talk. The aimis to let the
guy talk, a Babestation employee tells me, but if he doesnt, the girl
knows just howto ll the dead air. With storytelling.
Not everyone whocalls has tohave a private conversation, because
not everyone wants to. Those that dont can instead listen in to the
so-called private chats of others as they unfold. Yes, its essentially
the aural equivalent of dogging, but it is, I am reliably informed,
a popular option anywhere from 500 to 1,500 call up to eavesdrop
each night. The average caller is aged between 25 and 40, but not
everyone is a lonesome bloke coming home after the late shift to an
empty home and looking for a little female conversation. According
to Babestation, the viewer is often married, and is perhaps seeking
somethingonthesexual menuthat isnt oeredontheprixxeat home.
Or too shy or embarrassedto ask their partners for it inthe rst place.
I thinkBabestationhas probablysavedafewmarriages, Amanda
Rendall, one of the channels performers, said last year. You do get a
lot of married guys who call you. Its funny because you often get
a guy whos onthe phone saying all sorts and thentheir wife walks in.
You just hear a woman screaming and then they hang up saying, Oh
fuck, I need to go. But theyll call you back once shes back in bed.
Ultimately, what were oering here is a little interactive fun,
says Justin Lynch, Babestations production manager. In a modern
world where porn seems increasingly hell-bent on pushing all sorts
of boundaries, Babestation is pretty tame; its Page 3 with knobs on.
And it knows its audience well, and just how to cater to it. All the
models have busy Twitter accounts and an active fanbase, which
explains the presents that arrive daily: clothes, Xboxes, jewellery.
One fan recently sent his favourite model a Persian cat, because
she happenedtomentionduring a premium-rate conversationthat she
liked them. Others send photos of themselves, along with letters that
are curiously heartfelt.
A lot of the guys arent as dirty as you might think, Lynch says.
They dont call upfor sex somuchas they dofor friendship. Youknow,
maybe things arent going well in their relationships, their marriage.
Theyre lonely. They just want to chat, to connect.
And the others? He shrugs. The others, he says, just want to get
their rocks o. And whats wrong with that?
The message board
includes photos from
maleadmirers pinned
next todetails of
explicit text services
Juicedupandready
togo: the models
arrayof workphones
Post-10pmand
the live action
gets progressively
steamier till
business tails o
around2am
Thesinglemostremarkable
thingaboutBabestationis
thatithasourishedduringa
decadewheretheavailability
of hardcorepornhasrocketed
>
152
Television
I
t has gone 10pmnow, which means the phone lines will remain
intermittently busy for the rest of the night. On Babestation
Blue, a young womancalled Lacey Lorenzo is lying onher back
andgazing into the camera. The bra she was wearing before the
watershed is nowon the mattress beside her, discarded.
In the production oce, another model is running naked into
the dressing room, trailing a producer in her wake. The producer
is carrying a camera to record her for the text photos. She positions
herself on the sofa. Justin? the producer calls out. Did you want
oil on Savannahs arse? Over on Babestation Xtra, Lily Pink has
removed her body stocking and is pushing her breasts together while
conversing with her rst caller. Imoered a phone, and encouraged
to listen. It feels completely wrong. But thenImreminded Imhardly
alone; loads of other men are currently doing the same.
It is a dispiriting experience, listening to mentrying to talk dirty.
We dont seemto be particularly gifted in this department. The rst
one cant quite untie his tongue. While Lily smiles provocatively down
the camera lens at him, he is only able to focus onthe mundane. He is
wearing a Slazenger T-shirt, he tells her, and sweatpants.
Ive lost a bit of weight recently, he notes.
WhenLily coughs at one point, he asks, tenderly, if she is OK, and
for a while it looks like his 20 minutes will max out anti-climactically.
But Lilys a pro, andgently steers himinthe right direction. She asks if
he likes what he sees, if he likes her breasts, whether his cock is hard.
Slazenger giggles. Ooh, youre embarrassing me, he mumbles.
The next caller is more blunt. He has clearly done this before.
In his broad Yorkshire accent as he starts in on his tale, he sounds
unsettlingly like John Shuttleworth, the ctional Northern comedy
character. Ive hada right strange day today, he begins, relating that
he woke up this morning feeling horny, and so I fucked my wife, but
from behind, like, because weve been married eight years, ha ha.
After he was done, his wife had a shower. Her phone chimed; shed
received a text. He opened it to see a picture of a man displaying his
erection. Instead of challenging his wife about this, he got dressed
and went out to demand answers fromher best friend, a woman who
lives locally. The best friend was still in her dressing gown when he
arrived. The dressing gown happened to fall open the perils of a
halfearted knot and revealed stockings, suspenders and garter
belt. Moments later, there she was, sucking on me cock and balls.
Toher credit, Lilypoutsandpurrsthroughout thisstory. (Shedoesnt
always. Ill sometimes tell themto fuck o, but I try not to, she later
says. They dont call up to hear a whingeing woman, do they?)
As Yorkshire man hus and he pus, and nally hangs up, Lily
realises sheis dueher break. Shelooks relieved. Imstarving, shesays.
While she goes o to prepare her food, I follow Lacey up onto
the roof terrace. She is only wearing her underwear. I dont feel the
cold, she giggles. On-screen, Lacey is languorous and elegant; inthe
esh she is tiny, skittish, excitable. Shes 19 years old and pop-star
pretty. She speaks rapidly and every half-sentence ends in, Do you
knowwhat I mean? Her story is perhaps typical of the sort of young
woman that might find herself in this world. She comes from an
unstable backgroundinsouth-east London, andI was ona badpath,
arrogant. I needed to be put on the lowdown, yeah?
At rst, she didnt know what to do with her life, but then she
realised there was money to be made out of the internet, first on
webcams before graduating to Babestation. JustinLynchtells me that
themodels makegoodmoneyhereanywhere, heclaims, from4,000
to 10,000 a month; one reasonLacey nowconsiders herself so lucky.
Babestations changedmylife. Its mademeindependent, everyone
wants that. As a result, she says, Ive had my tits done, my teeth. Im
doing my nose next. Her nose is perfect. I hate my nose, she says,
wrinkling it. Her popularity on-screenhas fuelledher ambitions, and
shed love to become a model or even a brand, like KimKardashian,
but I do realise the longer Imhere, the more doors are closing for me.
Babestation, she says, has not helpedher private life. Her boyfriend
broke up with her because he couldnt handle her work, her fame.
Oh, I get a lot of recognisation (sic). My little sister, shes 15, still at
school, she tells me she cant take it no more. All these boys come up
to her telling her they wank over me, and that they want to meet me,
like theyre convinced Ill just lay down with themand open my legs.
Dont they realise this is just a job? That Imnot like that in real life?
Its also left her withtrust issues. Ohmy God, I dont trust menat
all now, do you knowwhat I mean? These men, they phone up saying
things like, My girlfriend is on holiday, Shes gone out, or Shes
upstairs inbed, sleeping. And this is not just one or two, or ve or 10;
its the stereotype of all men. It just shows you howthey work.
Still shaking her head, she goes back to start her next shift, and
I visit Lily Pink in the cramped kitchen space, where the microwave
Callers canrequest
personalisedshots of
their favourite model
like this pic of
Savannahsent direct
totheir phone.
Babestationsends out
2,000anight
The moneyshots:
Babestations text
image library
Television
153
is heating up a bowl of rice. Lily is 25 years old. She is smart and open,
but its clear she still regards me as just another opportunistic john.
She tells me she grewup on a council estate in Surrey and left school
withfewqualications. Boredof her jobinretail, she inventedanalter
ego and auditioned for Babestation. Like a normal interview, she
notes, only they wanted to knowthe size of my tits.
I understand men now, she says, and what Ive realised is that
they need to have sex. They need to masturbate. Alot. Women dont
really need it like that; they are happy with it once a month, and
I suppose a lot of the guys calling up are in relationships like that.
Theyre frustrated. If anything, I feel sorry for them.
Once, Lilywantedtobecome ateacher, but I knowImnot goingto
be able tofull that nowbecause I cant be arole model anymore, canI?
Its frownedon, this sort of thing. People make all sorts of assumptions
about the industry. They think everyone is ondrugs, and its all bad.
And is it?
Actually, no, its not. Its much more professional than Id ever
have imagined.
What would she like to do with her life, if not teaching?
This, probably. I canimagine being 60, andstill here, on-screen.
T
here are plenty of people who wouldlike to see Babestation
taken o air, not least parents who have complained that
since it is free for anyone with a SkyBox to view, it is easily
accessible to children. Others suggest it is as harmful for
the menwho watchit as it is to the girls who performonit. Alot of my
patients nolonger enjoy sex withtheir partners, says BerndLeygraf, a
consultant psychotherapist specialising insexual matters. Soinstead,
they visit these channels. But they dont provide enjoyment, not really,
and mendont walk away particularly fullled. They need some light
relief, sure we all do, just not this kind.
Ofcomhas its eye onit, too. The regulator has previously revoked
the licenses of other adult channels for repeatedly airing material too
sexuallyexplicit for pre-watershedhours. Onewas TeaseMe. Its owners
Bang Media were fined 157,250 for broadcasting inappropriate
explicit material with manifest recklessness. The Ofcom website
describes this insurreal detail. For example: While inthese positions
the presenter repeatedly stroked and touched her body including
her crotch area, legs, buttocks and breasts, moved and gyrated her
hips sometimes high in the air in a sexually provocative way; pulled
sexualised facial expressions and lightly spanked her buttocks.
Babestation, however, is licensedinthe Netherlands andEuropean
legislation stipulates that TV companies are moderated by the
regulators fromthe home country, not the ones they air in. In short,
Ofcom has no power to block or ban them, though last year it made
a formal complaint toits Dutchcounterpart, following a rashof viewer
concerns. If we feel they are out of step with other UK regulated
services, we can work with our European counterparts to bring the
broadcaster into compliance withour rules, a spokespersontells me.
Though he adds, Weve had much more complaints about the last
episode of DowntonAbbey [a rape scene] than Babestation.
Nevertheless it is heat that Babestations bosses are not unaware
of. There are so many regulations we have to adhere to nowas a TV
channel, says executive manager Benjamin Mo Noorollahi. And
so our future is going to be increasingly on the web, where there are
far fewer restrictions. Online is denitely where its at.
B
ack at the studio, and long past midnight, Lily Pink has
just nished a call, another one that ended abruptly. This
happens a lot: the moment the caller has arrived at his
desired destination, he hangs up. It goes with the territory.
But occasionally they do stay on and actually say thank you.
She smiles nowwith something like genuine emotion.
I always think its nice when they do that.
Plentyof people wouldlike
tosee Babestationtakeno
air, not least parents who
have complainedthat it is
easilyaccessible tochildren
Babestationmodel
LilyPinkgets towork
before the camera,
interactingwith
a late night caller
LilyPinkposes
o-screenfor private
hardcore photos
whichare soldand
deliveredviatext to
mobiles for 3each
LaceyandLilyhave
nishedtheir shifts
but, for another
Babestationmodel,
the workingnight is
just beginning
154
WHAT IVE
LEARNED
Myfather, beingaScotsman, taught me to look after nances. Im
shrewd. Some people may call me tight. My oldpal Ronnie Wood
loves making jokes about it. Tight as two coats of paint, he calls me.
Tight as two coats of paint!
Unfortunately, thepubs are closingup. I think were losing eight
or nine a week all over the BritishIsles. Pubs will be non-existent,
I think, inabout 20years, apart fromthe ones that are part of the
Britishheritage. But inthe olddays, there usedto be a pubonevery
street corner. Some villages wouldhave a church, a school, and
12 pubs. Times have changedandits very sad. Some of my happiest
moments have beeninpubs. Some of my most boisterous moments
have beeninpublic houses. Trousers roundyour ankles?Ah, you
cant beat it.
Ivebeenworkingmyass otodayjust so I canget two-and-a-half
hours upstairs withmy trains. Silly as it may be to other people,
thats whats important to me. Have yougot a hobby? Thenyoull
understand. It clears my mind. Its three-dimensional because the
trains work, so theres the electrical, theres painting, andtheres
carpentry involved. I cango upstairs andwork onmy layout andthe
whole worldcango fuck itself, youknow? Every manneeds that.
Lyrics arecomingtoyouall thetime. I get inspirationinthe middle
of the night. Youwake upandyouthink, Oh, I gotta write that
down. Yougo back tobedandit happens again. Blimey! I gotta go
write that down. So youre inandout of bedall the time. My wife
must think Ive got a prostate problem.
I wasnt amusedwhenI foundout I hadthyroidcancer. But if youre
going to have a cancer, so they say, thats the one to have, because its
the easiest one to detect andthe easiest one to operate on. It just took
me forever to get the voice back, though, because they cut through
the muscles, so therefore they cut throughmy memory. I was literally
voiceless. Its like youve forgottenhowto speak andsing.
Actually, theoperationservedmewell. I knowit sounds strange,
but this operationtook my voice a half-stepdown. I couldnt sing as
high, whichis probably unnoticeable to most people. But it gave
me adepth. Theres a warmthinmy voice that wasnt there 25 years
ago. WhenI listento my Christmas album, MerryChristmas, Baby,
I realise that I gainedwhenI nearly lost.
Is thereanything that Idliketodothat I cant do? No. I cant think
of anything.
INTERVIEW
CAL FUSSMAN
ROD STEWART
SINGER, 68
Ivetriedtohavearegular haircut, but it just pops back upagain.
Sothis is the way its going to be.
Thelessonmemumtaught me was, Eat all the foodonyour plate or
your brothers are going to take it. She was always mindful of food,
because the rationing continuedevenafter the war years. I was the
youngest. So it was to make sure the little sparrowgot his food.
Youwant toknowwhat it was likebackthen? Theres a great
picture inthe book Rod: The Autobiography [Cornerstone, 2012]
of me andmy [teenage] pals KevinCronninandClive Amore
proudly displaying our harmonica. Our harmonica. Our one-shilling
harmonica. It was the only one we had. We sharedit! We cherishedit!
CanI have a go at it now? Oh, youjust blewsome peanuts init!
I usedtobeembarrassedto sing Da Ya Think ImSexy? but people
love it. So its inthe show.
Its trueI hadall of mywives over one Christmas. I think all the
childrenwere here andthey all askedfor their mum, andits hard
tosay no to your kids. Andthey probably all saidto their mother,
Come upandsee Dad. Andhowcouldtheir mothers say no? They
all arrivedaround11amonChristmas Day, andthey all decidedto
stay. It was great. But it surely wont happenagain, trust me.
Ill tell youwhat I love: sending back bottles of wine that arent right
inrestaurants inFrance! Whoa! I love the Frenchbut I do ndtheir
wine snobbery something unbearable.
Theres aplaceontheLeft Bank, inParis, where I buskedoutside
whenI was younger andhadabsolutely nothing. I remember singing
Cocaine Blues there. I went back withmy wife a fewyears ago and
there was a guy busking inthe very same spot. He was playing a
guitar andhe hada hat infront of him, andhe was singing Tonights
the Night. He didnt knowI was there. He didnt see me inthe back.
AndI thought, Howremarkable. Those are the wonderful
I-really-have-made-it moments, youknow?
What Ivelearnedfrommychildrenover the years, andimproved
on, is to become a better listener. I dont have to jumpinand
interrupt. I cansit back andlistento themwhichapparently
I didnt use to do.
Wedont want to use the wordaging, do we? Better to
saymaturing.
Read more in our series of What Ive Learned interviews at esquire.co.uk
I
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I HAD ALL
OF MY WIVES
OVER ONE
CHRISTMAS
IT WONT
HAPPEN AGAIN

Illustration by Noma Bar

Abroad
156
Sausages, Schopenhauer and schadenfreude:
Will Self has discovered his inner Berliner.
Its time the rest of us did the same
GERMANY
I
Abroad
157
T
he time comes inany upright
Britishmales life whenhe
needs to have made his peace
withall of the following: his
homosexuality, his dress sense, and
Germany. The rst two of these I got
out of the way decades ago (true, I still
occasionally wake upinthe morning
andirt withbecoming a dandy for
the fewshort seconds before the sti
denimof consciousness descends on
me), but Germany has provedmore
problematic. It doesnt helpthat Im
half-Jewish, althoughwe canmake
too muchof this. It was the great
Englishanti-Semite GKChesterton
who observedthat the Jews are like
everyone else but more so. Inwhich
case, what canEnglishJews possibly
be like? Only like the Englishbut
more so. Still, since were succouring
Krauts here, best to be upfront: my
Jewishness hasnt helpedwhenit
comes to my getting gemtlichinthe
great liberal democracy knownfor
aperiodas the ThirdReich.
InGermania, Simon
Winders magnicently crazy
circumambulationthroughtime
andspace of Germany, its
history, andhis obsessionwithboth,
he writes that our shunning of the
country is a mutilating of Europes
culture, andthat furthermore there
comes a time, surely, whenwe must
stopallowing Hitlers estimationof
his owncountry to prevail, to which
all right-thinking Britishers must
reply: DonnerundBlitzen! He has
apoint! But Winder goes further,
describing Germany as Britains
weirdtwin, andwhile Imnot sure
Imready to fully endorse this view,
I have always thought the great joy
inhaving identical twins were one
to be so blessedwouldbe to subject
themto unnatural psychological
experiments, andperhaps Germanys
history is just suchanexperiment
Thenagain, maybe it is Britain
thats the labrat, astill more
disturbing thought.
W
ell get back tothe
vexedquestionof my
ownJewishness ina
while; for now, let me
tell youof the moment whenI fully
succumbedto the Germanophilia
that hadbeenswelling inside me for
over a decade. I was inFrance at a
literary festival (andhowit hurts to
type those words), andtalking to a
rather beautiful womanwriter only
alittle bit younger thanme. I mention
her middleagedness inGerman
this wouldindeedbe a single
compoundednounbecause beauty
inyoung womenis so commonas to
be banal. As the great German
philosopher andmisogynist
Schopenhauer put it inhis notorious
essay OnWomen: Inthe girl, nature
has hadinviewwhat couldin
theatrical terms be calleda stage-
eect: it has providedher with
super-abundant beauty andcharm
for afewyears at the expense of the
whole remainder of her life
Anyway, this fortysomething
beauty, seeing me giving it the
intellectual large withthe assembled
Frenchies, came sidling upand
utteredthese charmless weasel
words: Youlike the French, Will,
dont you. AndwhenI concededthat
I did, she thrust the dagger home:
Youlike thembecause they seemto
take your work seriously, nest ce pas?
Withthis I couldonly concur. Then
she deliveredthe coupde grce: Has
it ever occurredto you, though, that
they have absolutely no sense of
humour at all? At once, a thousand
andone nights of Gallic socialising
passedbefore my eyes inablur of
Gitanes-smokedpretensionthere
hadbeenwry smiles, certainly; there
was eventhe occasional manic titter,
but of full-bloodedlaughter I now
realisedI hadnt experiencedso much
as a single heave. Inthat moment
I decidedcapricious, that I amto
shift my business denitively to the
rive droit of the Rhine.
WhenI rst went to Germany
inthe early Nineties, the place gave
me the heebie-jeebies. The Berlin
Wall hadonly beendowna couple of
years and, evenwandering the placid
boulevards of Frankfurt or Munich,
I was gnawingly aware of the fact that
anyone of a certainage say 70-plus
couldhave beencomplicit inthe
Holocaust, while anyone a fewyears
younger might well have spent the
balance of their lives wielding
the electrodes insome Stasi torture
chamber. There was this, andthere
was also the grinding totality of
Germany: its deadcarbohydrate
weight compoundedof black bread,
sausage andbucket-sizedsteins
brimming withlager. Walter Abish,
the Austrian-bornJewishwriter
penneda fantastic story called,
confusingly, The EnglishGarden,
whichconcerns the narrators
returnto Germany after many years
absence. Standing infront of the map >
of his hometownoutside the bahnhof,
he is overwhelmedby the fact that
this diagrammatic expressionof a
patchof Germany is itself entirely
German: every rivet andevery screw
inthe frame the very ink usedto
print the map, all are 100per cent
Hergestellt inDeutschland.
Its this sense of being a world-
country (something that Germany
shares, inmy experience, only with
Brazil andIndia) that canmake the
experience of being ina nationover
30per cent larger thanthe UKfeel
curiously claustrophobic Oh!
AnddidI mentionthe war, andthe
associatednear-genocide? Well,
nows the time to get it out of the way.
Like any upright Britishmale of
mygeneration, I was raisedona
steady andnourishing diet of
Germanophobia. Having a touchof
the Jew-brushhelpedto seal it in,
but we were all cookedinthis juicy
antipathy frombirthanyway. The
Germans were nasty, brutish,
repulsively coarse andlarge. They
were humourless to the point of being
murderous andemphatically not to
be trusted. Whether it was beating
us to the beachor annihilating our
military beachheads, their coldand
methodical approachtolife was
antipathetic to our gentlemanly
amateurishness. Andbesides, no
matter howhardthey tried, they
still lost: they lost bothworldwars
andlost the 1966 WorldCup, which,
as any Britishmale understood, was
really the more signicant defeat.
That they possess this
stupendous culture almost every
world-class philosopher and
composer was either Germanor
German-speaking; the list of
scientists andtechnological
innovators is unending is
consideredby us Anglos to be some
sort of cosmic joke. Thats looking at
it charitably: the truthis that to
consider Germanculture as inany
way detachable fromthe German
people who made it is to be just as
racist as those white Americans who
couldhappily dance the Charleston
while denying their black
countrymenandwomenthe vote.
And, actually, all those years
of reading Germanwriters
andwatching Germanmovies and
listening to Germancompositions,
while maintaining what I sawas
ahealthy disgust for the Germans,
nowseems to me a contemptible
waste of my ownlifetime. Of course,
throughout this periodI was perfectly
friendly withindividual Germans
what bigot doesnt comfort himself
withthe exceptionhe makes to prove
his prejudicial rule. Why, I might even
have stoopedso low, onoccasion, as
to say that some of my best friends
were German.
Still, onlygeekyteens armed
withcyclotrons inHollywoodmovies
canchangethepast, andat least
I eventuallypulledout of it. What did
it, natrlich, was spendingmoretime
inGermany. Thebigepiphanycamein
theuniversitytownof Gttingenin
1998. Sueringfromaparticularly
gloomy, hung-over andTeutophobic
stateof mind, likethesinger of a
Mamas andthePapas songI stopped
intoachurchandI begantopray.
Dont, please, get thewrongideaabout
this its not that Imespecially
god-bothery, let aloneChristian, its
just that myviewis umpteenbillions of
seekers cant bewrong, andbuildings
dedicatedtothepursuit of
transcendent states of minddohave
acertain, yknow, spirituality, man.
Anyway, thereI was, bemoaningmy
lot at beinginLower Saxonyat all
(I understandthat for obvious reasons
Upper Saxonyis alot morefun), when
I lookedupfromthepewI was slumped
intoseethenavewas crowdedwith
freestandingnoticeboards withbits
of paper pinnedtothem.
Onfurther examination, these
turnedout to be a project undertaken
by local Gttingenschoolchildren
into youguessedit the
Holocaust; inparticular, the eects
of the Holocaust inGttingenitself.
Set out inmerciless detail onthose
boards were the names andthe
locations of the homes of every Jewish
family inthe townin1937, andthe
details of what happenedto them
subsequently. As I lookedat all of this
writtenout inthe rounded, cursive
handwriting that German
schoolchildrenare still taught it
occurredto me that this was not the
behaviour of a people inthe business
of denying their past. Onthe
contrary, while it may have taken
acouple of generations to really
eradicate any remaining denial,
Germany is the worldleader in
denying Holocaust-deniers the
oxygenof publicity. Indeed, when
it came to a EuropeanUnionlaw
against Holocaust denial it may
surprise youto learnthat while the
Germans sponsoredit, our own
government opposed.
Ive started to
see all those
Teutonic traits
we sneer
at as rather
desirable, even
endearing
Abroad
158
Duff cuisine
comprising
mostly roast
meats, sausages
and potatoes?
It takes one to
know one
G
E
T
T
Y
A
ndthentheres Berlin,
home toeveryup-the-bum
perviness youdcare to
shake aprickat, ahotbed
of what remains of the European
avant garde, andacitythat has every
justiable claimgiventhe
powerhouse thats the German
economytobe the capital of Europe.
Except that it isnt anythingof the
sort, indeed, it isnt evenacontender.
The reasons for this, like those for just
about everything, are historic. Berlin
was onlythe capital of aunied
Germanyfor around70years before
the Nazi Gtterdmmerung then
there were another 45-oddbefore the
wall came down. I remember visiting
the cityrst acouple of years after the
demolitionderby, andnding
Potsdamer Platz alreadyagreat
thicket of cranes, all thesigns that soon
enoughBerlinwouldbe just another
soulless jumbleof ferroconcreteJenga,
withnarcissistic corporate
headquarters oglingthemselves in
eachothers mirroredglass.
But while there has beena great
deal of development over the past
twodecades, to walk from
Alexanderplatz inthe oldeast, along
the Unter denLindento Checkpoint
Charlie, is still to encounter a city
that looks exactly like what it is: the
one-time capital of a nationtaken
over inthe middle of the 20thcentury
by a crazeddictator who brought
downthe entire vengeance of the
RedArmy onit, before its venerable
infrastructure was choppedright in
two. The great buildings remain
pittedwithbullet andshrapnel holes,
while the avenue overall is like a stony
jawthats hadits prestigious teeth
rippedout. Theres this vibe to central
Berlin, andtheres also a curiously
provincial one as well: comparedto
the urbane frenzy of Londonor Paris,
to walk clear across Berlinwhich
Ive done is to take adistinctly
suburbanstroll.
It might seemlike anoddly
negative way of extolling the virtues
of a nationdescanting onthe
somnolent ruinationof its capital
but thenGermany isnt a nation
quite like any other. Suce to say,
once I fully acceptedthat the time
for the crime hadbeenandwas still
being done, I beganto enjoy the
Germans themselves unrestrainedly.
Indeed, Ive startedto see all those
Teutonic traits we like to sneer at as
rather desirable andpossibly even
endearing. Excessive formality?
Yes please, I like being calledMr Self:
the call-me-Dave informality of
Britishpublic life is a mask of
egalitarianismbehindwhichthe
same oldugly hierarchies lurk.
Chillypoliteness? Yeahto that, too:
Imfedupto the back-fucking-teeth
withfoul-mouthedandjostling Brits
(andarrogant andsupercilious Frogs
for that matter). Oppressive learning?
Why not? Idrather be pickedup
as I have beenfromFrankfurt
Airport by a cabdriver whos actually
writing a doctoral thesis onthe
Frankfurt School of cultural
criticism, thanlistento some
EDL-wannabe fulminate from
behindthe wheel as his black-hearted
cabbombinates along the M4from
Heathrow. Ducuisine comprising
mostly roast meats, cabbage,
sausages andpotatoes? Wellit
takes one to knowone, as we never
tire of saying.
Andlastly, the vexedquestion
of humour, whichis where all this
began. Contra the stereotype, the
more I learnabout the Germans
the more I beginto appreciate that
their humour is subtle, witty, and
freightedwithexactly the sort
of situational irony that we think of
as stampedwithUnionJack. Its
inexpressibly dull to retell jokes ina
context suchas this, but one example
will suce: go to YouTube andtype
inReinholdMessnerkioskam
Matterhorn, inorder to see the
veteranmountaineer being twittedby
a couple of GermanTVjokers who
have hada sausage stall winchedup
to the topof the mountainjust intime
for his arrival. If youwanteda
comparable Brit spoong, it wouldbe
as if Sir RanulphFiennes reachedthe
NorthPole only to nda saleswoman
fromAnnSummers oering hima
pair of crotchless panties.
The great joy of the Messner clip
is quite howwell he takes the joke
(true, he is Austrianrather than
German, but lets not be picky); its
dicult to imagine Sir Ranulph
donning the panties andscampering
about the ice oe althoughperhaps
Imdoing himaninjustice. Anyway,
it puts me inmindof whats the
most conspicuous loanwordwe have
inEnglishfromthe Germanand
thats schadenfreude. Weve
beenderiving pleasure fromthe
misfortunes of the Germans for such
a long time now, perhaps its time we
acknowledgedthat the joke just aint
funny anymore.
Abroad
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JoaquinPhoenixphotographedfor
Esquire, Los Angeles, August 2013
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Abovetheclouds
Famous for his wracked, intense screenperformances, JoaquinPhoenixmight
be the most daring, least predictable actor inHollywood. But away fromthe set,
the star of the forthcoming Spike Jonze lm, Her, turns out to be the sweetest,
most humble, least pretentious leading manof his generation
By Sanjiv Bhattacharya
Photographs by SimonEmmett
Fashionby Olie Arnold
Interview
161
Everymovie, I feel likeits myrst.
Imuncontrollablyshaking, physically
nervous. They havetoput pads inmy
armpits becauseI sweat somuch
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H
e lives upon
MulhollandDrive,
the winding crest
at the topof the
HollywoodHills,
where youget the glittering views that
accompany success inthis city. But of all
the views that JoaquinPhoenix could
enjoyout west, say, to the Pacic, or
southto Hollywood, the twinkling rug
that rolls downacross Sunset andbeyond
he chooses to look north, across the
SanFernando Valley, standing out inhis
backyard, smoking AmericanSpirits, and
tracing the gridsprawl way out to the paper
cut mountains that serrate the horizonin
the far distance.
Thats where we livedwhenI was a kid,
he says. Imtalking about the fucking
foothills. The deepest valley that youcan
get. Wedget into a stationwagonthat would
break downat least twice a fucking week,
andweddrive, all ve of the kids, to the
dierent studios for auditions Warner
Brothers, Fox, Paramount, all of them.
The Phoenix backstory has a mythic
quality: adventurous, hippyishandentirely
suitedto California inthe Seventies. His
parents met while hitchhiking andjoined
areligious cult, The Childrenof God, which
sent themtravelling throughCentral
America for several years doing missionary
work. Something felt o, so they left and
returnedto Los Angeles long before the
groupcollapsedina heapof sex scandals,
childabuse andsuicide. They evenchanged
their surnames to symbolise their rebirth,
fromBottomto Phoenix.
Andit worked. Theres grainy video
fromthat time of the Phoenix children
Joaquin, Summer, River, Rainand
Liberty singing anddancing onthe streets
of Westwoodfor the local news cameras.
The song was Were Gonna Make It.
Andsure enough, they were discovered
shortly afterwards by a talent agent. The
rst superstar was River, who died, aged
23 andat the height of his fame, of an
overdose outside The Viper Roomclubon
the Sunset Strip, in1993. Joaquins frantic
phone call to 911 was played endlessly in
the days that followed. NowJoaquinis the
star inthe family.
I recently took my momto see the
apartment where we usedto live, Phoenix
says. It was one bedroom, no kids allowed,
andwe were ve kids. But the manager [at
the time] took kindly to us andwas like, You
canlive here, but if the owner comes over,
Ill call youandyouhave to hide the kids.
Sowedgo inthis little laundry roomoutside
the building. I remember hiding behindthe
laundry machine whenthe owner came
over. Andwe didnt knowhowlong he was
going to be. We couldbe there for hours.
He pauses andshakes his head. I dont
forget that. Its fucking crazy to me. Im
just really, really fortunate. Luck. Thats
what it is.
WereatarestaurantcalledVegan
PlateinStudioCity, rightwherethe
valleybegins. It is Phoenixs choice. He
has beena committedveganever since the
age of three whenhe sawa shsquirmand
suocate ona shing triplast year, he
made anadabout the same experience for
Peta calledJoaquinPhoenix is Drowning.
Andthis is his favourite place, a simple,
family-runThai caf, just downthe hill from
his house. This morning, weve got the place
to ourselves.
The Valley is the fucking best place for
everything, he says, attacking his wrap.
Hes a noisy eater, all grunts, lipsmacking
andchewing. Its all part of his informality
andeasy-going charm. I like howit looks,
howits laidout. I just enjoy the feeling here
a lot more. There are some really nice
neighbourhoods, where kids play ontheir
bikes andshit. Youdont get that onthe
Hollywoodside. He grins. Plus, I go to a lot
of pornshoots, so its convenient!
Angelenos typically give the Valley a bad
rap, sneering that its a drabandlifeless
suburbia comparedto the actionof
Hollywood. But for Phoenix, its perfect. Its
low-key, quiet, away fromthe hubbub, and
he doesnt get botheredhere. Hes not the
kindof star who gets papped that much
anyway. So its not like Ive adaptedto it,
he says. Every nowandthentherell be a
picture of me lling upmy gas tank andIll
freak the fuck out. But thats a rare day, out
here inthe Valley.
Perhaps another reasonhe feels fondly
for the place is because ever since he moved
back here fromNewYork ve years ago, hes
done some of the best work of his career.
Infact, hes undergone a signicant change
out here. Hes just not the actor he was.
The change beganin2010withthe
satirical mockumentary ImStill Here, in
whichhe pretendedto give upacting and
pursue a career as a rapper. It was the last
thing anyone expectedfromPhoenix, the
serious actor. But thenhe followedit with
The Master, anextraordinary performance
that seemedtocome froma dierent person
entirely. Inthe space of two movies, he
became one of the most surprising and
original actors of his generation, the kind
of star of whomwe just dont knowwhat to
expect anymore. Whichis no small
compliment for anartist.
Hes just wrappedhis secondlmwith
The Masterdirector Paul Thomas Anderson, >
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anadaptationof theThomas Pynchonbook,
InherentVice. Andmore imminently, theres
Her, directedby Spike Jonze, inwhichhe
plays a reclusive writer who falls inlove with
a Siri-like computer PA, voicedbyScarlett
Johansson. It wouldseemthat today, at 39,
hes ona roll: its all plainsailing for
Phoenix. However, infact, he says everynew
project lls himwithterror.
I dont knowmy craft! he exclaims.
Every fucking movie, I feel like its my rst.
Imuncontrollably shaking, physically
nervous. Noway amI like, Yeah, I got this.
Every time feels fucking terrifying.
He toldaninterviewer last year that
he feels physically sick before shooting.
[I have] weeks of incredible anxiety, he
said. They have to put fucking pads inmy
armpits because I sweat so muchthat it
drips downmy wardrobe.
Surely after almost 30movies, having
actedsince he was a child, after all the praise
andprizes, hedbe more comfortable, even
condent, whenit comes to his job?
Apparently not.
I usedto think it was important to know
what was going to happenandto go after it
andachieve it, he says. Because thats
what they teachyou. They say, That guy
nailedit. Like, he came inandreadthat
script andturnedto the fucking jury andhe
said, Youre going to acquit this guy. By
golly, he nailedit! What Ive triedthis last
fewyears is to be really open, andnot
impose my ideas. Because youknow, my
ideas are usually fucking garbage.
Some actors have a method, something
they do that gets themresults. Not Phoenix.
He cant, for example, stay incharacter
throughout lming, because Imstill
tryingto gure out who the character is!
The reasonhe has the crewcall himby the
characters name throughout lming, is
because, he says, its easier to remember
his name that way.
Its like the time Tiger Woods hadto
adjust his swing: a manat the topof his
game going back torst principles and
relearning howto hit a golf ball. Phoenix
does that witheverynewpart. He gures out
a newswing. Andhe gravitates to directors
who, like him, are also guring it out as
they go along. Directors like Paul Thomas
AndersonandSpike Jonze, who are open
toimprovisationandexperiment.
Withthose guys, Phoenix says, youre
always uncovering something together.
Youre pulling it out anddusting it o
Andthis is whyPhoenixis sowracked
withfearonset. He doesnt knowwhere
hes going or howto get there, Jonze tells
me. He doesnt want to knowwhat the
outcome of a moment is until he shoots it.
He wants it to be alive.
Most actors dont work this way. They
typically acquire a methodover the years,
something that works whichthey can
repeat. Jonze contrasts Phoenix withChris
Cooper, for example, who shot a scene for
Her (that may not make the nal cut).
Chris knows his method, he says.
Andits incredible to watch. Every moment,
every line of dialogue hadso muchthought
andhistory andintentionbehindit. And
whenJoaquingot to watchChris work, he
was ooredby him. He couldnt believe it.
But Phoenix is dierent. I askedboth
Jonze andAmy Adams, his co-star inHer
andinThe Master, about his working
methods, andthey were hesitant togothere,
apparently out of concernfor their friend.
After a long pause, Jonze says, Our
work relationshipwas really intimate,
Imnot sure howto talk about that yet.
I want to be protective of him.
AndAdams says, Hes a very private
andtender person, very sweet. Its hardto
talk about someone who operates that way.
Theres a vulnerable quality about
Phoenix that attracts this protective reex
inothers. To some extent, its there inhis
performances which, however powerful and
aecting arent exactly polishedinthe
Meryl Streepsense. Theres something raw
andinstinctual about them, unguarded
perhaps, as thoughhes not so muchin
commandof the emotions of his character
as those emotions are incommandof him.
Also, Phoenix is instantly likeable, a
playful, friendly Labrador of a guy, happy
andenthusiastic. Particularly endearing is
his tendency to self-deprecation, practically
a default setting, anda rare one inhis line of
work. Tell himthat he chooses goodscripts
andhe scos: Imchoosing one out of two
movies, dude. Its a pretty limitedchoice.
He insists its luck that has got himthis far.
These guys Ive beenworking with,
Spike andPaul, he says. I was thinking the
other day: what happened? I dont deserve
tobe here! He makes no attempt to appear
literary or intellectual. My taste is like a
sophisticatedfour-year-old, he says. I wish
I couldsay I watchEuropeanmovies and
shit, but I dont. I watch[2008s] StepBrothers
more thanany other fucking movie.
Andhe recoils at the faintest whiof
pretension. At one point, hearing himself
talk about acting, he winces, I bet this is
really interesting for you, right? Listening to
me. I mean, I canhear myself and, God, its
just fascinating! What anamazing mind!
Hes never hadairs, Phoenix. Hes the
kindof actor who likes to muck inandbe
one of the gang, not aloof inhis trailer.
Jonze recalls a day they hadto shoot ina
snowstormfor Her. Joaquinwas happy to
carry equipment andsit inthe coldwiththe
crewhe doesnt want to be the movie star. >
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Vintage redginghamshirt,
by CarloManzi
167
Interview
He just wants to do his joblike everybody
else. To be a cog ina machine.
The way Phoenix puts it is similar.
I like being anemployee, he says. My job
is to please the director, thats it. Because
seriously, if yousee cuts anddailies, its
hardfor any actor to take credit. Any
performance ina movie is the complete
work, andits the director that sews it
all together.
OnTheMaster, he playedaparticularly
servile role, whichsuited himperfectly.
As Freddie, he served Philip Seymour
Homans character, and as Joaquin, he
servedthe director, Paul Thomas Anderson.
Andersoneventook to calling Phoenix
Bubbles onset, after Michael Jacksons
pet chimpanzee. It was anin-joke: of all the
things that TheMaster is about, the struggle
totame our animal nature is front and
centre, andFreddie typiedthe animalistic
man. But Phoenix lovedit. So long as
Andersonwas happy, so was he.
Thats why I get so fucking tight,
because it matters so muchtome toimpress
the director, he says. I get crippledby my
ownthought process. I just want to make
this personhappy.
Is it about making the director happy,
or getting ona pat onthe back yourself?
He laughs. It couldbe. Were humans,
its hardto say what motivates us. Youre
probably right, I probably just want
validationor some shit.
Hes always beentightlywound,
Phoenix. If anything, his recent shift in
perspective has loosenedhimupa little.
He was so coiledback in2005 that he wound
upinrehabsoonafter making Walkthe Line.
It was thought at the time that hed
immersedhimself so deeply inthe role of
Johnny Cashthat hednot only learnedto
play the guitar andsing, winning a Grammy
for the soundtrack, hedalso acquireda
drinking problem.
But Phoenix shoos away that theory.
Idjust come othis runof work and
God, its sucha stupidfucking actor clich,
Imso fucking embarrassedbut I was like,
OKnow, what do I want?
Inother words, he was lost. After a
decade or so of back-to-back movies
including ToDie For(1995), Gladiator(2000),
Ladder49(2004) anda couple of MNight
Shyamalanmovies that are best forgotten
he knewhe neededa break, he just didnt
knowwhat to do. He was 29, of no xed
abode, without any responsibility or family.
I didnt knowwhat regular fucking
hanging-out funwas about insomeways, he
says. Its nothingtofeel sorryabout, though.
He usedto take his work so seriously in
those days that the intensity was
overwhelming. Movies werent fun
anymore. Idbeenworking withthis one
actor, about a year before Walkthe Line, he
says, andhe said, Are youreally going back
tothe hotel at night andstudying? Imout
banging 20-year-olds every fucking night.
AndI was like, Oh! Thats what Im
supposedto be doing? Fuck!
Andthis is why ImStill Here was such
agame-changer for Phoenix. It was fun.
Ridiculous, comedic, unpredictable. Andit
was perfectly pitchedinits way, not only
permitting himto shedhis actorly intensity
for once, but also playing onthat reputation,
hintingthat the famouslyintense actor might
just have drivenhimself to a breakdown.
Critics were at rst underwhelmed.
Akindof snooty bemusement prevailed
withsome nger wagging that this probably
wasnt a smart career move. It didnt
helpthat hardly anyone believedthat this
newrapping Phoenix, fat andbeardedlike
arabbi onthe slide, was anything other
thana joke.
But for Phoenix it was pivotal. That
experience was so exciting andrewarding,
it was really hardafter that to imagine ever
making a conventional movie again, he
says. The unpredictability of it, the risk
it transformedhis perspective onacting
andpreparedhimfor the open-ended
improvisational style of Anderson. The
Master wouldnever have happenedwithout
ImStill Here.
Besides, nowthat some time has passed,
the movie holds uprather well, bothas a
satire about celebrity, but also as a bit of
a laugh. Directedby Casey Aeck,
whos marriedto Phoenixs sister Summer,
it reveals that Aecks brother-in-lawis
actually a gifted comic actor, especially
whenordering hookers online, snorting
coke anduttering lines to himlike, Dude, if
youdo anything for me, let me smell a girls
butt hole, whenordering saidhookers.
Phoenix breaks uplaughing. I have a
real problemwiththat word, I cant evensay
it now.
What, butt hole?
Yes! AndCaseys like, youhave to say
it twice!
The whole thing startedone night as a
germof anidea buriedina silly skit that
Phoenix was doing for Aeck, a fake
interviewabout his agent. But along the way,
he came upwiththe idea of pretending to
give upacting for hip-hop. It was just too
tempting. So, one day they invitedover the
director Gus VanSant andtoldhim,
straight-faced, that Phoenix was retiring.
VanSant was too polite to laughor question
him. It was a painfully awkwardmoment.
AndbothPhoenix andAeck were hooked.
We bothnddiscomfort very funny,
he says. We couldnt resist. Its typical of
Phoenix that he gives full credit to Aeck, >
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especially since Phoenix wouldoften
jeopardise the project by going over the top
andgiving the game away. Casey has the
sophisticatedsense of humour, he says.
Ima six-year-old. I do stulike Bye Good,
whichI wrote onmy sts, but the wrong way
around. Casey was like, Come on, if you
were really quitting, wouldyoudo that?
The irony of ImStill Here was that
Phoenix, who is not the type to court
publicity, was nowdoing exactly that by
playing a celebrity who was supposedly sick
of the media circus. During the height of the
prank, whenhis catatonic TVinterview
withDavidLettermanwent viral, he became
a meme. Artist ShepardFairey iconisedhim,
BenStiller lampoonedhimat the 2009
Oscars, andDr DrewPinsky, host of TV
showCelebrityRehab, expressedserious
concerns about his mental health.
Everywhere he looked, people were talking
about him, andnot always kindly.
There was denitely the point where
I was like, I might be fuckedforever, he
says. But wedgotteninso deep, we just had
to fucking nishit.
One of the funniest scenes was a
fake ght he hadinMiami nightclub Liv.
Phoenix was onstage, performing an
abysmal mumbling set, self-aggrandising
andshallow, aneective pastiche of hip-hop
itself, whenhe decidedtodive intothe crowd
toattacka heckler. The goal was, as Phoenix
recalls, to start a fucking riot. We wanted
people to kill me.
So they persuadeda friendto be the
heckler, agreeing that hedstandnear the
front left of the stage so Phoenix couldsee
him. They calculatedhowto escalate the
situation. Aeck suggestedhe say, Ive got
a milliondollars inmy bank account, what
have yougot, bitch? Whichis about as
unlikely a Phoenix comment as couldbe
imagined. But it didnt work.
WhenI saidthat, I thought glasses
were going to come ying. I was going to
get fucking stomped. But instead, the crowd
was like, Yeah!He looks incredulous.
America! This is the worldwe live in. We
got it completely wrong. After I jumped
intothe crowd, I remember people were
chanting my name! It made me realise that
I obviously have no idea whats going onin
this country.
Notforthefirsttimewestepoutside
tosmokecigarettes. I askhimwhats
next. Heshrugs. Youknow, press! [ie,
promotional interviews likethis one] I got to
ytoNewYorkandwear somethingI dont
know. Its not that I hateit, Imjust likea
brattykidwhodoesnt want totakeashower.
He oftendescribes himself as a kid
whether its his taste inlms (like a
four-year-old) or his sense of humour (like
a six-year-old). He happily admits hes not
very mature, andreckons his jobmay be
partly to blame. Whenyousee anadult
actor onset, they look infantilised. People
are there to dress you. They bring you
espressos andlattes andshit. Its like
arresteddevelopment. Were all just little
fucking runt kids.
He has no kids of his own, mind, despite
being inthe zone, just a year o40. Andhe
has no plans to, either. Phoenix has never
married. He says his dogs are the closest
Ill get to kids, probably. All that interests
himnowis his next project, his next terror,
the next director hes going to try his
damnedest to please.
InImStill Here, he rants about acting:
Youre just a fucking puppet. Youre this
dumbfucking doll that wears what someone
else tells youto wear, stands where
someone else tells youto stand, says what
somebody else tells youto say. But clearly,
JoaquinPhoenix loves it. Andperhaps this
is his greatest accomplishment, evenabove
his three Oscar nominations: he has been
able to do the same jobsince he was a boy,
andstill ndit so exciting he canscarcely
holddownhis food.
Some actors want to direct after a while,
to have authorship, to buildproduction
companies andempires. But Phoenix has
nosuchambitions. He laughs, self-
deprecating as ever. If I thought Idbe good
at it, Idprobably do it. Its that thing where
if the girl doesnt like you, youre like, Oh,
shes stupidanyways
All he longs for is to be a cog again, a
humble employee, because evennow, just
over 30years after his screendebut, acting
remains a rawandnerve-wracking
experience. Whichis just as it shouldbe.
Heres what I worry about, he says.
If youever take your jacket oon-set and
just holdit out while youre talking to the
director because youexpect a wardrobe
personto grabit thats whenits time to
gohome. Whenpeople are constantly
adjustingyour collar andyour lapel andyou
just give into it? Its over. Youre no longer
ahumanbeing.
And with that, he melts back into
thetrac, andheads backupthe hill tohis
mansiononMulholland, withhis dogs
bounding aroundhim.
There are views to savour.
Heris out on10January
PHOTOGRAPHERS ASSISTANTS: COREY WHITTED; ERIC PEREZ |
PRODUCER: ZUKI ELLIOTT | PRODUCTION MANAGER: SAMANTHA
ROCKMAN | PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: GARRETT KOHLER |
GROOMER: DAVID COX | DIGITAL OPERATOR: DREW SCHWARTZ
AT PIXELDUSTDIGITAL.COM | SPECIAL THANKS TO CARLO MANZI;
THE VINTAGE SHOWROOM I SEE STOCKISTS PAGE FOR DETAILS
Feature
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Astar for more thanadecade, bynowher appeal is sopowerful that
evenas adisembodiedvoice, inSpike Jonzes next lm, she sets
pulses racing. OnadayoinParis, AlexBilmes meets the esh-
and-bloodScarlett Johansson, contemporarycinemas smartest,
funniest, most talentedsexbomb
Photographs byVincent Peters
YES,
HER
Pin-up
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utumninParis: sunshine andshowers, pavements city-slick, puddles
shimmering like party dresses. As if inharmony with the changeable
conditions, Scarlett Johansson arrives for our interview with a face
not quite like thunder that wouldbe far toodramatically convenient
but certainly with an overcast expression: unsmiling, eyes hidden
behind sunglasses, stride purposeful, handshake brisk. Then, as
soon as we start talking, her clouds part and once again the City of
Light or at least our small corner of it is bathed in a golden glow.
We meet at Le Select, a caf on Boulevard du Montparnasse.
Nearly a century ago, as Scarlett of course knows, this was the crucible
of a literary and artistic restorm, where on a windswept afternoon
like this you might have found Picasso, Man Ray, Cocteau and any
number of American migrs Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Gertrude
Stein arguing, carousing, inventing modernity.
Ive beenwaiting for our ownAmericaninParis at anoutside table,
but its chillyandexposedsittinghere, sosheasks if wecanmoveinside.
Where wouldI like to sit? Howabout over there, at the back? No, thats
dreary. Plonking herself at a table for two by the Bar Amricain, she
shrugs oher grey coat to reveal a khaki shirt over a tight, white vest,
jeans andsuede boots. The sunglasses are replacedby heavy-rimmed,
rectangular spectacles, worntocorrect anastigmatisminher right eye.
While she studies the menu, lets take a moment to drink her in.
Her blonde hair is pulled back into a casual ponytail. If shes wearing
make-up, I cant see it. Her left ear has a diamondstudinthe lobe and
twosmall goldrings aroundthehelix. Andshehas twotattoos I cansee:
a rainbowsunrise onher inner left armandaninky charmbracelet on
her right wrist. Ask politely and look very closely and youll be able to
see it says, I Heart NewYork. Shes pretty, for sure. Sexy, too: leanof
limbbut creamy andcurvy, withthe kindof body that canlook almost
indecently bountiful onscreenand instills, but inpersonis compact,
petite. Imsmall, she says. People dont notice me straight away.
Continuingour survey, the clichs pile uplike atrac accident: the
voice is as smoky as advertised and so distinctive that it is a character
all of its own in Spike Jonzes next lm, Her; the lips, you will not be
surprisedto learn, are pillowy; the nose is characterful, assertive; and
the wide-spaced, grey eyes, magniedslightly by the primglasses, are
intelligent and perhaps a little enigmatic; they may keep secrets. But
this is o-duty Scarlett, not bombshell Scarlett, and the eect is not
dazzlingor discomting, as it woulddoubtless beif sheweresittinghere
infull red-carpet regalia. Her presenceis quieter thanthat, unobtrusive.
Yes, yes, we knowwhat she looks like. Whats she like? Initially, Id
say smart, serious andself-possessed. At 28, she still has the freshface
of the ingnue and she canbe funny, and girlish, too but Scarlett
is worldly, well travelled, at home away fromhome. She appears to be
almost as au fait with Paris, and this particular caf, as her famous
forebears, those American transplants who made Montparnasse a
Mecca for clever, questing types like herself. Shes familiar with the
menu, chatty with the waiters who stop by periodically to drop
biencuit aperus and on intimate terms with the caf cat, Mickey,
a portly furball of ponderous seniority who keeps interrupting our
conversation at inopportune moments to remind Scarlett to make a
fuss of him, which she does. (Not that Imjealous of a cat.)
She is vague about her reasons for being in Paris; where shes
staying, whats shes doing. She has, she says, a friend with an
apartment nearby. It must be a good friend, I think, because shes a
fountain of knowledge about the various merits of the local bars and
restaurants. Only much later do I realise the apartment must belong
to her boyfriend now anc Romain Dauriac, an improbably
debonair journalist turned PR. (Not that Imjealous of a Frenchman.)
For a fewmoments, I wonder if this is going to be something of a
trial. Scarlett is famously discreet guardedwouldbe another way of
putting it which is, of course, an admirable quality in a condant,
less so in an interviewee. If she wont reveal why shes in Paris, God
help us when we get to the personal stu.
But as I say, she soon warms up and in the end we sit for hours,
lingering over our coees, eating (she polishes o a salad Nioise
and then picks at the chips that arrive with my club sandwich) and
talking and talking and talking. In no particular order we cover: the
advisability or otherwise of trying to swat a y while your partner
sleeps; globalisation; the politics of the fashion week front row; Bob
Dylans lyrics; the heartbreaking beauty of her hometown, New
York; the perils of eating in an uncomfortable outt; the shrinking
opportunities for middle-class families in Western economies; and
the importance of good bedding, a subject on which she is almost as
impassioned as, inevitably, she is on the topic of the sickening and
perverted paparazzi. At one point, segueing betweenher owntravails
and those of Kate Middleton, Kristen Stewart and assorted other
famous young women, we nd ourselves discussing nip slips, the
gossip-website habit of printing photos of girls falling out of their tops.
Those girls just dont like wearing a bra, Scarlett says. No one
complained about it in the Seventies. I was watching [Woody Allens] >
174
Pin-up
Manhattan yesterday; Diane Keatonnever wore a bra and she looked
great and nobody gives a shit.
Mildly, I think, I observe that perhaps the Seventies was a less
hysterical, less censorious decade than our own. This prompts a
semi-tirade about contemporary attitudes to sex. Its sick! We get
these mainstreamslasher movies where people get anally raped and
people are watching this pervertedstuandits seenas totally normal.
And kids are playing these crazy video games where their guts are
splattered everywhere, blowing each others heads o, and yet you
see someones sideboob and it makes front-page news.
Shes cross. But seconds later, another breakinthe clouds, andshes
explaining why she should have beena doctor rather thananactress.
I think dermatological issues are interesting. Andwhenyou help
someone to heal their skin it gives them a new lease on life. I mean,
have you ever met someone with a horrible skin condition?
You mean something fungal?
Fungal issues are pretty obvious. Its usually an infection
combined with poor hygiene.
I see. Have you spoken to any skincare professionals about your
interest in dermatology?
Oh, yeah, I have. Whenever Iminthe doctors oce I make sure
to block out a good 45 minutes. Iminterested to knowmore.
I hate to ask, but is this because youve had dermatological
issues yourself?
Ive had every problem. I always get these weird things.
Suddenly your life seems less gilded. Youre agirl whohas rashes.
Well, at least I knowhowto cure them!
Youre a healer.
No. Ima diagnostician but uncertied.
So, youre uncertied and you cant heal, but you candiagnose?
Well, you have to know what the problem is. Diagnosis always
comes rst.
I have to say, this is a revelationto me, your interest inskincare.
It comes fromwatching a lot of medical programmes.
Like ER?
No! Real ones. Documentaries.
See how superficial I am? You say medical programmes,
I immediately think of George Clooney. Not, by the way, a real doctor.
Always been disappointed by that.
Right? Who wouldnt want to be treated by George Clooney?
I knowI would.
Ive always beencurvy. It runs inthe family.
Throwonaneveningfrockandsuddenlyyouhave
boobs andeveryone is like: bombshell! Instantly it
was: the newMarilynMonroe
Do you happen to knowif hes interested in skin?
I dont knowwhere that question is going
This, I hope, gives some avour of a conversation with Scarlett:
playful, witha slightly competitive edge tokeepyouonyour toes. And,
yes, Imaware I was struggling to keep up.
When we approach stickier topics than skin rashes, areas of her
life she would like to remain private marriage, relationships she
pauses sometimes andbegins to choose her words more carefully, but
she never looks remotely perturbed. Instead, she is clear-eyed, frank
andgoodfun. But the parts of our conversationshe seems to enjoy the
most are, without doubt, the silly, role-play bits. At one point I ask her
to describe what for her would be a great night out.
Anight out where? Here?
No, your home turf. NewYork. Friday night.
First, I wouldgotodinner, of course. Maybe Idgotoa show. Idgo
to a show and then have dinner. Maybe Id see a play. Go with a few
friends or with my agent whos great to go to shows with.
An intellectual play? One that demonstrates how intelligent
youare?
Totally. Then well have something to talk about. And then well
go to a nice place to eat dinner. Joe Allen is great or we could go to La
Esquina and get tacos, more like a party-type scene. Go there if were
going to go meet more people. But if its a smaller group, probably go
to Joe Allen, have martini, have oysters, nice meal. You could come,
if you want.
Great. What next?
Right, soits about, what, 12:30? The pressure! Where togo? Maybe
we could go to like a dive bar in the East Village, pool table, jukebox,
couple more drinks, hang out. But now its about 1:30, are we going
home? But we could go out-out!
OK! Lets go out-out! See what happens.
Thats the best part about NewYork. Suddenchange of plan. But
sometimes it is nice to stay inona Friday night. Theres a place down
the block that has the best Chinese. This one is really old-fashioned,
whichI love. We go there, order a Chinese feast, eat for hours, go back
to the apartment, and were going to watch a classic movie that you
should have seen but havent. Have you ever seen White Heat?
Is that James Cagney?
Yes, or JohnGareld? No, right, James Cagney. Its a great movie:
beautiful and weird. Lets do that: Chinese food and a classic movie.
Whats your favourite movie, Scarlett?
I dont have one. Pause. Groundhog Day? >
175
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Pin-up
IN
september 2012, at the Democratic National
ConventioninNorthCarolina, Scarlett spoke to
a huge audience, in the arena and on TV, about
her childhood. Her mission: to encourage young
Americans to vote, and to throw her support,
not for the first time, behind the presidential
campaign of Barack Obama. Using her own story to illustrate the
urgent need for improved government welfare, she inadvertently did
the obligatory biographers part of my job for me:
I grewup in NewYork City with four siblings, she said fromthe
podium. My father barely made enough to get by. We moved every
year andwe nally settledina housing development for lower middle-
income families. We went topublic schools anddependedonprograms
for school transport and lunches, as did most of my friends.
Her relatively humble origins are, she says to me, something
I hold on to for dear life. I mean, I have friends Ive made as Ive got
older, but the majority of my closest friends Ive had since I was a kid,
and like I said [at the Convention], a lot of them are still dependent
[on welfare programs]. I think living in New York keeps you pretty
grounded. Imnot particularly fancy.
The daughter of a Danish-born architect father and a Jewish girl
from the Bronx hence, perhaps, the striking combination of cool
andexotic looks Scarlett andher brothers andsister grewup inand
around Greenwich Village, which sounds, she acknowledges, super
snobby now, but downtownManhattaninthe early Nineties was not
the giant, sugary cupcake it has become.
Inmy mindI have this idea that I will some day live ina beautiful
townhouse in the West Village, she says, with a replace, and it
will be fall, and Ill be baking pie. When you walk through the West
Village inthe autumnyoucansmell the woodburninginthe replaces.
Not many places in New York you can have that experience. Not in
Manhattan, anyway. So, inmy mindBut thats not going tohappen.
Because its become so gentried?
Its so crowded, so touristy. Its awful. Pause. Sex and the City
killed Greenwich Village. Take that, Carrie Bradshaw.
Scarlett was always a dramatic little girl, always ambitious, and
she always wanted to act. I dont knowwhere it came frombut I liked
being a sensation, making a splash. I was probably one of those bratty
kids. At eight, she was onstage, o-Broadway, opposite EthanHawke.
She made her lm debut aged nine (incredibly, 2013 marks her 20th
year in the business) and at 13 she was starring with Robert Redford
in The Horse Whisperer. Throughout her adolescence she made an
Its sick! We get these mainstreamslasher movies andits
seenas totally normal. Andkids are playing crazy video
games blowing eachothers heads o. Yet yousee
someones sideboobandit makes front-page news
average of two lms a year, and thenI would come back to NewYork
and slip right back into school. I had friends, I had boyfriends, I went
to prom. Her parents divorcedwhenshe was 13 andthe family moved
a lot but there was nothing, she says, unusually traumatic about her
early years. She enjoyed working, enjoyed spending time with adults,
had fun on movies, hanging out on set with her mum.
In 2002, at 18, she made the two films that launched her as a
Hollywoodleading lady: the astonishing one-two combinationof Girl
With a Pearl Earring and Lost in Translation. In the former, set in
17th-century Holland, shes the servant girl who catches the eye of the
painter Vermeer, inspiring a masterpiece of intimate portraiture.
The lm is not quite that, but it does make a compelling close study
of the Johansson face in repose. Vermeer, clearly, senses a roiling
passionbeneathher pale exterior, andso do we. More captivating still
was Lost inTranslation, Soa Coppolas chaste romantic comedy, in
which a rudderless twentysomething American, trapped in an
unfulllingmarriage, has abrief, unconsummatedencounter inTokyo
with a much older movie star.
Watchedagain, bothlmsarerestrained, quiet shesineveryscene
of Pearl Earring, but has almost no dialogue and they deliberately
dampen her hot sensuality, cloaking her curves in roomy fabric.
Evidently, the camera loves her, but neither lm remotely suggests
an unbridled voluptuary, which is how she was instantly portrayed
in the press. The irony of her position then that a girl who played
two essentially celibate, reticent young women should in the process
become a global sex symbol is not lost on Scarlett.
I think any woman who is curvy and who wears a gown to an
event is suddenly super-sexualised. I mean, at the time I was 18, 19.
I was young. Ive always been curvy. It runs in the family. Throw on
an evening frock and suddenly you have boobs and everyone is like:
bombshell! Instantly it was: the newMarilynMonroe. Shes quick to
point out she feels no particular kinship with Marilyn, curves apart.
In the films that followed those two successes, Hollywood
sometimes seemed to struggle to know what to do with a smart,
sassy young woman who looked like a throwback to the sweater girls
of the Fifties Lana Turner is the oft-cited exemplar but had a
very contemporary sensibility. She has worked often with front-rank
directors Christopher Nolan, BrianDe Palma, CameronCrowe and
Woody Allen three times but not always on their most memorable
lms. In far too many movies, she has been the love interest, rather
than the main event. >
178
Pin-up
Its frustrating, she says now, because youget pigeonholedandit
was hard for me to get out of that. I mean, in some ways I exploited
it and appreciated it she means in her work as a model for various
brands, most prominently Dolce &Gabbana but it was really hard
for me to know what to do, which direction to go in. I was too young
to play a wife or a mother, but I wasnt a teenager any more so I was
stuck for a while.
In fact, her most acclaimed work since Lost in Translation has
been on stage rather than screen, in a Broadway revival of Arthur
Millers AViewFromthe Bridge. She won a Tony for her performance
as Catherine, the character many thought based on Millers second
wife, Marilyn Monroe (her again). Scarlett has made good use of her
time betweenprojects, releasingtwoalbums, starringinadcampaigns,
vampingit upinmusic videos. She has takenaturnbehindthe camera,
too, directingaseven-minuteshort, TheseVagabondShoes, asepia-toned
vignette withKevinBaconas a loner ina fedora who takes the subway
to Coney Islandfor a hot dog (Avengers 2 it aint). Andshes developing
ascreenplay basedonTrumanCapotes lost novel, SummerCrossing,
rst published in 2005 but set 60 years earlier in New York, about a
Waspdebutante whofalls for a Jewishparking lot attendant. If all goes
to plan, that will be Scarletts debut feature as a director.
More recently, onBroadwayshe was Maggie, the Cat whoelse?
inTennesseeWilliams CatonaHotTinRoof, apart famouslyassociated
with another icon of ample, pulchritudinous femininity, Elizabeth
Taylor. And perhaps still more courageously, at the beginning of this
year, she was Janet Leigh in Hitchcock, the ctional account of the
making of Psycho, withAnthony Hopkins as the heavyweight director.
Leigh, says Scarlett, was an interesting woman, very sexy but
also a good actor, and she never allowed her sexiness to come rst.
Its doubtless reductive to make comparisons between Scarlett and
Janet, looks aside, but harder to resist the more you learn. The curvy
sex bomb seeking out provocative material, the short-lived marriage
withthe handsome leading man, the liberal political leanings: indeed,
the same year as Psycho was releasedLeighevenmade an appearance
at the Democratic National Conference, lending her celebrity allure
as if he needed it to JFKs presidential campaign.
Does Scarlett identify with Leigh for these reasons?
Nowthat weve spokenabout it, andabout this whole sexy thing,
I feel there is more of a connection. But originally I think I just took
the role because I like her.
Perhaps Scarletts own Psycho will be a lmnally set for release
early next year. Underthe Skin, a sensationat the Venice FilmFestival
in September, is an adaptation of Michel Fabers creepy novel by the
extravagantly gifted British director Jonathan Glazer (Sexy Beast,
Birth). Scarlett plays a mysterious alienbeing who picks up lone male
hitchhikers, and not because she wants to give thema lift home.
I hadproblems publicly, inmy relationshipall that
stu. I have a very close family andgreat friends so
evenwhenthe shit hits the fan, its usually OK
Its a really weird story and shot in a way thats never been done
before, with a camera that was specially created for it, she says.
I dont knowwhat it will turn out like. If it works, and in my mind it
works, it will give the audience a completely newperspective ondaily
existence. Pregnant pause while we absorbthat statement. Or it may
just be a four-hour music video.
Before Underthe Skin, this monthshes ina romcom, DonJon, as a
sassy Joisey goil inlove witha pornaddict. And after Christmas well
be able to hear her inHer, inwhichshes the sexy-sounding Siri-alike,
the computer operating systemwho steals Joaquin Phoenixs heart.
Which will be followed, in turn, by another comedy, Chef, opposite
Robert Downey Jr. And thenCaptainAmerica: The Winter Soldier, in
which she reprises her Avengers character, the Black Widow, who is
set for yet another outing the summer after next, in the niftily titled
The Avengers: Age of Ultron. Somewhere in there shes going to t in
an action movie with Morgan Freeman, called Lucy.
Her career, then, is ingoodhealth. Inher personal life, Scarlett has
recently emerged froma challenging fewyears, during whichshe was
married and divorced fromthe actor RyanReynolds. She endured an
unpleasant episodeinwhichintimateprivatephotos of her, intendedfor
Reynolds but hacked fromher computer, were leaked onthe internet.
It was a crazy time, she says. I had problems in my family and
publicly, inmyrelationshipall that stu. Things aremoremanageable
now. Shes fortunate, she says, inthat, I have a very close family who
are supportive, andgreat friends andIve beenworking onsome really
interesting stu. So even when the shit hits the fan, its usually OK.
I remark that from the outside, she seems very capable and
composed. I cry inthe shower, she says. No, I keep it together. I am
relatively composed but I canalso lose my shit. Impretty controlled,
and probably controlling, too, for better or worse. Imworking on it.
At this point were interrupted yet again by Mickey, the caf cat.
Honestly, its like theres a secret signal she gives himwhenwe veer too
close to private territory. So we move onto pets. Scarlett has two dogs:
Maggie, a chihuahua, and Pancake, a dachshund-chihuahua-cross.
Are they pampered dogs?
No more than anyone elses dog. I like to keep themhumble.
You make sure they keep their feet on the ground?
You know, one of them was literally a street rat, and now shes
living the life of Riley. I thought about doing a little kids book about
it. Canyou imagine? This is a street dog, who knows what her life was
like? And here she is ying to Paris, living this glamorous lifestyle.
Shes a Hollywood dog, all of a sudden.
Sounds like a nice story.
Its cute, right?
DonJonis releasedon15 November
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ometimes, he still feels it.
It comes onthose rare
Englishdays, whenrain
falls onhot tarmac. It hits
the roadanddarkens the
pavement andclatters the roof tiles
andthenit comes the lushsmell
of damponwarmth. He breathes it
in, andhes back inthe Pacic,
back inPohnpei, back withanational
football side, andhe wants to go back
so much
oday, 29-year-oldPaul
Watsonis ina Costa coee
shopinHammersmith.
Pale, t, handsome and
sad, he sits withhis
cappuccino, narrowlimbs angling
out of the redclubchair, chin
balancing onwrist, long legs
squashedbehindthe lowtable. It
was inaroom, not far fromhere,
that it all began. Five years ago,
hewas watchingfootball withhis
best friend, Matt Conrad, when
theyhadajokeyconversationabout
their abilities as players. England
were struggling to qualify for Euro
2008, having just lost to Croatia.
The commentator triedto reassure
viewers that Englandwouldstill go
through, if only Andorra couldbeat
Russia. Andorra! God, they sounded
terrible. EvenPaul andMatt would
be goodenoughto play for Andorra.
Wouldnt they? No.
Sowhowouldtheybe goodenough
for? Who were bottomof the Fifa
rankings? Monserrat andBhutan.
Didthey have the ability to play for
either? Are there anyrankings of
non-Fifateams? Theres one, the
NouvelleFederation, maintainedby
nerds inBelgium. Didthey have the
ability to play for any of those teams?
Greenland? What about Monaco?
SouthernCameroons? Lapland? Who
was at the bottomthe worst team
onthe worst list? Yap. Yap!
Where was Yap? They typedit
into Google. Yapwas a Micronesian
island, population6,300, some of
whose inhabitants still usedstones
as currency. They looked up Yaps
football association, their stats.
Theydrecently lost 150to Guam.
Surely theydnowfounda national
sidetheydbegoodenoughtoplayfor?
But wait Yaphadbeatenone of
their neighbours, a place called
Pohnpei. Paul typedthe strange
wordintoWikipedia. Andthere
it was, the sentence that triggeredall
of what was to come: They have
never registeredawin, andare said
tobe the weakest football teamin
the world.
Aplan. Theydpitchup, two
Englishlads, get a cap, andgo home.
What a story! They founda primitive-
looking website for the Pohnpei team
andsent a vaguely wordedemail,
expressing interest infootball onthe
island. They didnt want to reveal
their planto play for Pohnpei too
early. That wouldbe cocky. Anyhow,
it wasnt as if theydreceive a reply.
For Matt, theideawas hilarious.
But for Paul, their schemehadasecret,
longingdepth. Hedgrownupin
Bristol, dreamingof playingfor his
belovedteam, City. As aboy, hed
watchedlocal kids just like himrise
throughthe youthteamtobecome
superstars intheBristol Citysquad.
Heknew, of course, that it wasnt like
theolddays anymore, withheroes
fromdowntheroad, slightlyhungover,
catchingthebus tobigmatches. But,
still, therewerealways ahandful of
boys whowereborninBristol, trained
withBristol City, andendedupscoring
beforeroaringcrowds for Bristol City.
Whenhe was a kid, hedalways
tell himself, evenif he was good
enoughto one day be approachedby
Manchester United, hednever sign
withthem. Football was about
community, the people yougrew
upwith, where youcame from.
Bristol City belongedto the people
of Bristol to himinsome tangible
way. Toplay for City wouldve been
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trying to get football goingonthe
island. Theydhadacoach, at one
point, whodcome fromIsrael.
People hadgot their hopes up. Theyd
playedintheSouthPacicGames and
got battered, 13s and14s0. Worse,
theydalso lost 161 to Guam, an
Americanterritory thats viewedwith
a sense of envious aweintheregion.
Theloss hurt the people who played,
it hurt their families, it hurt the
reputationof football. The sport
became seenas somethingnot worth
botheringabout. It hadbeenforgotten
entirely, except for a small groupof
guys. But they were goodtalented
andathletic. Theyhadpotential. All
theyneededwas someoneto show
themhowits done
att and Paul listened,
to stories about
the drug use and the
obesity and the
humiliations. By
the time the meal was over, they
didnt think their joke was that funny
anymore. They beganto think about
it. Paul hadbeencoachedfor
years,sometimes by brilliant men.
Heknewhowit was done. Theytalked
about it. They became excited. They
were going todoit. Fly toPohnpei, do
perfection, all hedever wanted.
Paul trainedandtrained, through
his schooldays andintohis twenties.
Heplayedsemi-professionally. Hed
practiseendlessly, workingonhis
tnessall week, onlytobeoutclassed
byyounger playerswhodbeensmoking
anddrinking10minutesbefore.
InOctober 2007, afewweeks before
theysent their email toPohnpei, he
travelleduptoCarlislefor aminor cup
tieanepicjourneythelengthof the
country. Hewas playedfor sixminutes.
Paul beganto realise that hed
never make it, evenat the most modest
level of professional football. Helacked
the magic, the talent. He became a
football reporter. He studiedItalianat
university, andfoundajobtranslating
stories for the Football Italia website.
Fourteen-hour days for 14,500per
year, living incentral London. It was
boring, tiringandhewas skint.
Football hadleadhimto
disillusionment once more.
So it wasnt as if Paul expected
anything to come of the email to
Pohnpei. After all, he knewby now
that he wasnt one of those people for
whomexciting things happen. He
was anaverage man, destinedfor
average things.
Thenhe got a reply. It was from
Charles Musana, whodbeenheadof
the Pohnpei FA, but was soonmoving
tothe UK, toWalthamstow. Hedbe
happy to meet themfor a chat.
Paul andMatt met Charles in
Piccadilly Circus, andtook himover
to Notting Hill, to the Malabar curry
house. Charles toldthemthat in
Pohnpei there are endemic problems
withsubstance abuse, andterrible
rates of obesity. For 15 years, hedbeen
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some coaching, formaside. Get
awin.
First thing: money. Agrand
eachfor airfare, plus more to pay
for Musana, who was going to join
theminorder to make the necessary
introductions. To be takenseriously,
theydneedtobringkit for the players.
They wrote to every teaminBritain,
asking for shirts andboots. Everyone
saidno, except Norwich, who sold
thema box of returnedshirts for 2
each, andYeovil Town, who sent an
entire set for free. Afurther 200
went oncheapboots andcones. Paul
trainedharder thanhedever done
before sprint intervals, long-
distance running, lifting weights.
He quit his job. They bookedtheir
ights, andon21 July 2009, they ew
ofor a two-and-a-half-week recce.
Palmtrees, blue seas, piles of
burningrubbish. Out of thecar
window, enroutetothehotel, Pohnpei
lookedlike a cross betweena third
worldcountry andparadise. Musana
hadtoldthe islanders, inadvance,
that some free coaching was going to
take place at the pitchat 6pmthat
evening, after the worst of the heat.
They were pickedupina re truck
anddriventhere by a friendof
Musanas. All the way, Matt couldnt
stopworrying: what if too many
peopleturnedup? Hedbeexposed.
After all, who the hell was he? Not
areal coach. Hednever coached
anyone! But hang on, what if no one
turnedupat all? Andwhat if the
people who didwere useless?
Hed playedsemi-professionally.
Hedbeencoachedby brilliant
men. Whenyouthink about it, he
was ridiculously overqualied.
The re truck pulledup. Pohnpei
has one of the wettest climates on
Earth, andthe pitchwas worryingly
ooded. There were puddles and
basic goal frames andthere were
toads, hopping around. He quickly
countedthe number of players there
were waiting for them. One.
Slowly, though, more emerged.
Some hadwalkedfor miles. Others
hadbeenpassing andhadjoinedin,
hoping they might be able to pinch
afree pair of boots. They hada kick
around, a bit of ve-a-side.
It was the same the next day,
andthe next. Charles hadbeen
right about the levels of athleticism:
before the islanders were oldenough
for the junk foodto settle intheir
esh, they were t. There was a
16-year-oldcalledRoger Nakasone
who hadastonishing pace and
stamina. Heddo backips onthe
pitchfor no reasonat all. Ryan
Johnson, the rst player to arrive,
was anincredible nisher. But Paul
didnt feel like a coach. He wasnt in
control. Nothing was organised,
people woulddrift inandout, turning
upsome days, not the next, have a bit
of kick about, slope away. It wasnt
training. What was it? The beginning
of something? Maybe not.
Matt busiedhimself by taking
charge of islandpolitics meeting
andgreeting, smiling andnodding.
Paul was polite, nervous, reluctant to
oend; Matt was the manwho knew
what he wantedto say andwas rarely
afraidto say it. He organisedchats
withthe lieutenant-governor andthe
sports minister. He wantedto get
football going inthe schools, so
arrangedanappointment withthe
educationminister. The minister
fell asleep.
he most important meeting
was withJimTobin, the
headof the islands Olympic
Committee. Amanof
power, energy andsize, Jim
hadcome to Pohnpei as a Peace Corps
Volunteer, falleninlove witha local
womanandnever left. Before the
appointment, Paul hadhis doubts
about Jim. Theseadministrators
tendedto be the worst kinds of people
meninsuits who couldnt run100m
yet leechthe juice out of sport, sitting
downto their paid-for lunches, telling
eachother its all downto them.
Besides, Paul knewwhat he andMatt
lookedlike to everyone. Chancers.
But Jimwas everything that
neither of themwere expecting. He
toldthem, This is exactly what we
need. Football shouldbe encouraged.
Imgoing to do everything inmy
power to helpyou.
Then, they hadto go home.
BackintheUK, Paul askedhimself
whether hedreally continue. But,
thenagain, what choice didhe have?
Hedquit his job, hadalready sunk
more than3,000into the project.
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Hefelt likeagambler whodthrowntoo
muchat the wheel to go to bed. And,
back there inPohnpei, hedsensedit
the football that he lovedbut had
long ago givenupon, the football of
pluck andbrotherhoodandmeaning.
What theyneededwas
sponsorship. Matt ledthe eorts,
while Paul trainedever harder. They
approachedthe newspapers with
their story, inanattempt to raise their
prole. On14August 2009, The Suns
website rana headline, Brits to
CoachWorst Ever Side. They had
foundthat line funny themselves,
all those months ago. Now, they
weremortied.
But there was agreater unforeseen
problemthanThe Sun. It hadarrived
inthe formof a phone call, back in
March. Matt andPaul hadjust left the
gym, whenMatts father rang.
Youre in, he said.
No, Imout, saidMatt. Weve
just beento the gym.
No, youre in, saidhis dad.
No, Dad. Imout.
No, USC. Youre in.
Months ago, Matt hadapplied
tostudy lmat the University of
SouthernCalifornia. Just as Paul had
always dreamedof playing football,
Matt hadwantedto be a lm-maker.
Nobody really expectedhimto get a
place at USC. Its School of Cinematic
Arts is legendary, withbenefactors
including Spielberg andLucas. Only
25 people are acceptedevery year. If
Paul was going to go back toPohnpei,
hedhave to do so alone, andwithout
money their sponsorshipdrive
hadfailed.
Paul trained. He workedon
coaching plans. He borrowed2,000
fromhis girlfriendandhis brother,
while JimTobinoeredto cover his
hotel costs for his secondvisit.
On25 September 2009, he nally
arrivedback inPohnpei andfound
helpinthe formof the best football
player onthe island. Dilshan
Senarathgoda hadbeenborninSri
Lanka, but hadlivedinPohnpei for
nine years. Hedbeenvisiting his
family inManila at the time of their
previous visit andhadbeen
devastatedwhenaseries of ight
cancellations meant that hed
missedthe chance totrainwith
Paul. But now, he was back. Andhe
was brilliant.
hile Paul coached
the players, Dilshan
coachedPaul inthe
cultural rules that
hedneedto work
aroundif he was to succeedin
establishing a newandthriving
culture of football inPohnpei, andget
a national teama win. Paul hadbeen
frustratedby the lack of punctuality
shownby the locals. Were onisland
time was the excuse, but some
players walkedve miles inbare feet,
every day, to play. Important, too, was
anunderstanding of the strict age
hierarchy that was always respected.
Youdidnot challenge your elders,
especially those inyour family.
But most crucial of all, for the
playingof football, was the
Pohnpeians reluctance to shout or
showaggression. Theirs was asmall
world. Falling out witha personin
apublic way couldtrigger a grudge
that couldlast years. If youraisedyour
voice at someone, youwere expected
to go to their house andapologise to
their entire family. If Paul lost it
withany of his players, he might
never see themagain.
Andthenhe hadhis skinto
worryabout. Twodierent modes
of anxietywere triggeredby Pauls
whiteness. Pohnpei hadbeen
occupiedby the Japanese, the
Germans andthe Spanishinthe past
andthere was still asignicant
Americanpresence inPohnpei today.
Wouldhe seemlike just another
arrogant, bossyWesterner? It was his
pale skin, too, that leadtoagonyon
the non-metaphysical kind. Paul
spent one scorchingdayhelpingmark
the pitchout withpots of paint and
rollers. Hedrubbedanentire bottle
of sunlotioninto himself, but it had
drippedowithhis sweat. Until that
evening, hednot appreciatedhow
devastating sunburncanbe. He
achedandsickened, his skinpeeling
inlayers downto the esh. It became
infected, coveredinsores andboils.
But it was aturningpoint for Paul and
his tentative authorityover players.
Theyrealisedhowserious he was.
The secondgalvanising event was
his andDilshans creationof anisland
league. If there was going to be a
Pohnpei national side, thenthere
wouldneedto be teams for them
to pickfrom. TheCollegeof
Micronesiaalreadyhadone
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calledthe IslandPit-Bulls they
were in. There was the Seventh-day
Adventists SDAFC. Theyput
together anInternational FCof any
resident foreigners that were upfor it.
Suddenly, the menhadsomething
totrainfor. They hadxtures, start
times, competition. They had
structure. They hadfootball.
Just about. Pauls most naturally
talentedplayer was JosephWelson.
16 years old, he shot like a rocket
whenhe couldbe botheredto try. One
evening, Paul was taking his boots o
after a session, withthe players all
aroundhim, whenhe sawa crumpled
piece of paper onthe pitch. He could
just make out a picture onit
someone ina Yeovil football shirt. His
heart lurched. It was a print-out of the
story fromThe Sunsite, about the
worst side ever. The entire teamhad
seenit. Dilshanreassuredhim. Most
of themlaughedit o. Josephwas the
only one who got really angry. He tore
the page up.
But it wasnt as if Josephneeded
anexcuse like this tobe angry. He was
froma poor family andhadfailedto
excel at school. All his life, hedbeen
made tofeel secondrate. For Paul,
Josephsummedupthe island: soaring
potential, if only he couldght free of
his problems. Hedhabitually turnup
late, eventhoughhe andhis brother
goalkeeper Charles livednear
the ground. Hedmock Paul in
Pohnpeian. Hedtake the piss, to his
face, ina language he couldnt
understand. But Paul kept trying,
tellinghim, Joseph, youre aseriously
goodplayer, more talentedthanIll
ever be. But Josephdidnt evenmake
eye contact. He didnt give a shit.
aul selectedhis Pohnpei
national side, andstarted
playing themagainst
other league teams.
Throughout one game,
Josephwas completelylethargic.
Theplayers aroundhimwere showing
verve andght, demonstratinghuge
improvements, not just inplaybut in
volume, shoutingat eachother, Pass,
pass, Here, here. But not Joseph.
After hedrepeatedly failedto
turnupfor training, Paul made a
decision. The next matchthat
Pohnpei played, he toldhis reluctant
star, Youll be playing inthe second
half. Imnot putting youonuntil
then. Publicly, deliberately, Joseph
walkedothe pitch. Obeying island
rules, his younger brother Charles
followed him. This, Paul knew, was
huge. Josephsent a message, via
another player, that hed quit the
team. Paul felt as if hed failed.
Paul was living alone ina cheap
hotel room, so poor he was living o
goodwill andplainpasta. InPohnpei,
evenfruit was too expensive to buy.
Because of shipping costs, anapple
couldcost as muchas 2. His weight
was falling andhis debts were
building. Discipline inthe teamwas
beginning to dissolve. Fewer and
fewer teammembers were showing
upregularly for training. Ina way,
Paul couldunderstandit. Why would
they bother, only to play, yet again,
against the past-it islandAll Stars?
One evening, Paul was onSkype,
outlining the latest news to Matt, over
inLA. What wouldturnthings
around, they realised, was a mission.
Awinagainst someone signicant.
Nobody seemedto be especially
active inthe sport inthe neighbouring
islands. Theres only one place we
canreally get to, where there would
be any teamto play against, mused
Paul. Instantly, they came to the
same conclusion: Guam.
If youre a young manliving
inPohnpei, Guamis like paradise.
AUSterritory withalarge military
base, it has big roads, beachresorts,
stripclubs, Budweiser, McDonalds
andanannual Fifa grant of between
150,000and400,000for football.
Aweekendvisit to the place is a
mini-break to heaven, andalmost as
costly. Returnairfare for a 16-man
squadwouldbe around10,000.
But Paul was desperate. At the
next training session, he gatheredthe
team. Ivebeendisappointedthat a
fewof youhavent beenturning upto
training, he said. Thats going to
have to change. Were going to take a
Pohnpei teamto Guamandso we
need everyone turning up to every
session. If youre serious about
football, youmust be there.
The result was immediate.
Players steppedforward, apologised
for tardiness, promisedtodomore.
News of theGuamtour spreadaround
the islandsoquicklythat JimTobin
demandedameeting the next day.
I really respect what youre going
to do, he said. But its very, very
dicult to get sponsorshipfor a tour.
He was right. Whodwant to
throwinthousands of pounds tohave
their corporate identity printedon
the shirts of the teamthat was now
knownas the worlds worst?
Not for the rst time, Paul
approachedFifafor help. After
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all, wasnt he sacricing
everything to carry out exactly
what its missionstatement
promised, to: Improve the game of
football constantly andpromote it
globally inthe light of its unifying,
educational, cultural and
humanitarianvalues, particularly
throughyouthanddevelopment
programmes? He sent anoutlineof
his plans. Fifareplied, Thankyoufor
your email, but I amafraidwe cannot
helpwithindividual funding.
Othe island, Matt made
presentations toseveral businesses.
He got nowhere. After approaching
more than50organisations, the
nearest theydgot was achicken-feed
company, whoset atoplimit of 2,000
before pullingout. But inPohnpei, the
squadwere becomingmore andmore
excited. Theyhadnoideahow
unlikelyit was that this tour would
happen. The date was shiftedback
three months, fromAugust to
October. Andthen, amiracle. Matt
calledafamilyfriend, LarryCoyne.
He ownedanair-cargobusiness that
specialisedinobscure places. Imin,
he said. Well get youthe 10,000
if youcanget some shirts made with
Coyne Airways as the sponsor.
Whenthreematches were
scheduledonGuam, between2 and
6October, Josephreappeared.
He seemeddierent. He listened. He
cared. He still wasnt smilingmuch,
but inhis returnpractice game, he
scoredahat-trick.
As the tour approached, Matt
arrivedfromLA. Onthe pitch, he
watcheda dierent team. They saw
themselves as professionals now.
Acomplete transformation. Andnot
just inthe players. During one
session, the teamwere slacking, and
Paul erupted, furious. Matt watched
smiling. This wasnt the polite and
nervous young manhedleft behind.
While Paul took a week oand
returnedto the UK, Matt workedon
dicult star player Joseph. It was
his birthday, so Matt made sure
there was a cake. He lledhimwith
positive reinforcement, making him
feel goodwhenhe was good. And
then, a drunk driver collidedwith
Joseph. His pelvis andbothlegs
were broken. It was only a whip
roundby the footballers that
raisedthe money to y himto
hospital inManila. If he hadstayed
for treatment onthe impoverished
island, hedhave died. The tour
arrived, andtheir star was gone.
The rst match. Pohnpei versus
Rovers FC. The teamwas ina state
of tensionnever before seenby Paul
or Matt. As the game began, the
coaches abandoned all hope of
appearing professional. They tore up
anddownthe sidelines, swearing and
gesticulating to menandto gods.
Pohnpei were playing better thanthe
Rovers, but they concededa goal.
ThenPohnpei equalised. Thenit was
2-1, then3-1. It hadbeenthe most
important game inPohnpeian
football for at least 10 years. And
theydlost.
The next day: Pohnpei versus The
Crushers. That morning, Matt played
the teama DVDof the Rovers game.
It was a risk, but the players sawhow
unlucky theydbeen. Just before
kick-o, Paul gatheredthemround.
Yesterday youplayedthe best
game of your lives andyoulost.
Today, if youdo the same, youll win.
UpPohnpei! They marchedonto the
pitch. They scored. They scored
again. Andagain. Andagain. 7-1.
It was a better result thanany of
themcouldhave dreamedof. By the
endof it, Paul was a wreck. The
players were intears. As they left for
home, it didnt evenmatter that
muchthat the nal xture, against
Guams youthteam, was lost 3-0.
Pride hadcome backtoPohnpei.
Andit remained. Today, some of the
players have movedonJoseph, his
healthnowrecovered, is a chicken
farmer inthe USbut there are 10
teams inthe league.
ack inthe Hammersmith
Costa, Paul scrapes at a
bit of driedfrothfromthe
edge of his empty
cappuccino mug. People
see league tables of the most obese
nations onEarthandeveryone has a
great laughabout it, he says. But do
they ever stopto think that its
because people cant aordto eat
anything but junk food? Or that its
because kids are toldtheres no way
they canget anywhere insport and
because theres no development
funding? Youknow, I startedthe
project inthis selshway, but by
the endof it Idbecome a real idealist.
It pisses me othat that corner of the
worldis seenas a joke.
Paul returnedto the UKto no job,
10,000of debt andthe mists of
depression. In2012, he publisheda
book about it. But he remains nearly
8,000indebt, andgloomy.
InPohnpei, I founda sense of
what the game actually stands for,
he says. I fell back inlove withthe
game, but only inthat context. I dont
really followthe Premier League
anymore. Ive watchedve games
since Ive beenhome.
Apart of me is still out there.
I feel Ive left the jobundone. At the
moment, Imjust trying to work out
away to go back.
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Thirty years ago, Sarfraz Manzoor feII in Iove with
pop. Throughout his adoIescence, the Top 40
nourished and consoIed him. Today, he surveys the
charts with bafement and dismay. What happened?
Did the music get worse, or did he, Iike the rest of us,
just get oIder? To nd out, he traveIIed back in
time to 1983, to a bedroomin Luton inhabited by
a 12-year-oId pop obsessive and the sounds of
MichaeI Jackson, David Bowie, Boy George,
and, inevitabIy, the FIying Pickets
IIIustration by KyIe Bean / Photograph by Martha PavIidou
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Whos that girl
(at Number
One)?: Madonna
in the Eighties
and Lady Gaga,
2012
l
ooking froma windowabove, its like a
story of love. This is a love story, of sorts;
a tale that begins withadorationand
ends inincomprehension. It begins at
the start of 1983, only weeks after
Britains fourthtelevisionchannel was
launchedandonly months before Margaret Thatcher
was returnedto Downing Street. I was 12 years old, a shy
skinny kidliving inLutonandlooking for someone or
something to love. It was not going be football because the
tribalismof the game frightenedme. I wantedsomething
to showme there was more to life. It arrivedout of sight,
throughthe air: popmusic. It hadbeenaroundmy life
before 1983, but that was the year whenI rst graspedit
close to my heart. Popmusic was the perfect vehicle for my
obsession. It oeredthe opportunity of fanaticismwithout
the danger of violence. We may have arguedabout Duran
Duranover Wham! but it rarely came to blows andit
was a cheapdate. There was no needto spendmoney my
family didnot have onBMXbikes or a Commodore 64.
And, crucially, for someone like me who hadfairly
strict parents who didnt like me going out at night, it
oeredthe chance to escape without needing to leave the
house. I only neededa televisionfor Topof the Pops and
aradio to give me my other highlight of week: the Top40
countdownonSunday afternoons. I monitoredthe rise
andfall of popsongs withthe intensity I wouldlater direct
towards property websites. I wouldhuddle inmy bedroom,
notebook at my side anda cheapblank cassette inthe
machine at the ready as Tommy Vance counteddownthe
singles all the way to that all-important Number One.
Andback thenwhat was Number One was all-important.
There were 17 Number One singles in1983, plus Rene
andRenatos Save Your Love, whichcarriedover from
the previous year. These songs are more thansongs they
are oldfriends who were there for me whenI was a
teenager andwhomI have runinto during nights out inmy
twenties andparties inmy thirties andwho were there for
my fortiethbirthday party.
Thirty years onfromour rst meeting, it felt right to
have a reunion. If I hadwantedto compile a mixtape of
all the Number Ones, it wouldonce have involvedsome
deft work witha twin-track cassette machine. Now
I simply have to create a Spotify playlist. Once I would
have listenedto music ona cassette or recordplayer,
nowI listento most of my music onmy phone. I slipped
onmy headphones andtransportedmyself back to1983.
BILLIE JEAN Michael Jackson
GIVE IT UP KC and the Sunshine Band
CANDY GIRL New Edition
WHEREVER I LAY MY HAT (THATS MY HOME) Paul Young
o
amimmediately plungedheadrst into
atorrent of memories. I listento Billie
Jean andit reminds me of watching
Michael Jacksonat the Motown25th
Anniversary broadcast, single-gloved
andglittery-socked. I remember trying
to moonwalk, barefoot across the shaggy carpet of our
Lutonliving room. I listento Give It Up andI amtaken
toa scene of me playing tennis against a wall as my older
brother lies under the hoodof his sunower yellow
Vauxhall Viva, its crappy radio squeaking out the song.
My recollectionof my childhoodis boundupwiththe
music that was aroundbut what dothe artists whorecorded
those songs remember about that time? For Harry Wayne
KC Casey of the Sunshine Band, his memories of Give
It Up are suusedwiththe loss of his father.
That song reachedNumber One inthe same year my
daddied, he tells me, so there I was having all that
success but surroundedby so muchsadness.
Paul Youngsays hehit Number OnewithWherever
I LayMyHat inthesameweekhemovedout of Lutontohis
ownat inLondon. DavidBrett fromThe Flying Pickets
was inEast Dulwichhospital withhis wife who was about
to give birthto their baby daughter whenthe call came
fromhis agent that Only You hadgot to Number One.
Bonnie Tyler was at a hotel inLeeds doing promotionfor
her albumwhenshelearnt that Total Eclipse of theHeart
hadgot toNumber One. Beforetheywerestars, they too
were music fans andinthe same wayas their songs dened
mychildhoodthe popstars I spoketocouldrecall the songs
that hadprovidedthe soundtrack totheir childhoods.
I remember being 12 or 13 andlistening to Sonof
Hickory Hollers Tramp by OCSmith, Paul Young recalls.
It reminds me of holidays inCornwall, driving ina big
estate car, me andmy brother sleeping inthe back, we
wouldget upearly andmy dadwouldput pillows onthe
back seat andwe wouldlay onthe back seat while we drove
oonholiday.
tobe rememberedbetter, he tells me. Memories from
that periodare over-representedwe refer to it as the
reminiscence bump.
The reasonfor our heightenedrecollectionis that
adolescence is sucha turbulent time of great transition
whenwe are pulling away fromour parents and
establishing our ownpersonalities. Everything associated
withthat time clothes, televisionandmusic is likely to
be more vividthan, say, our late twenties, by whichtime
our personality has beenset.
Music engages all of our brain, Janata adds. We
dont just hear it but we also sing along to it andwe dance
to it andall those things strengthenthe memory of the
music andhelpcreate our ownmini movies of the past.
KARMA CHAMELEON Culture Club
BABY JANE Rod Stewart
YOU CANT HURRY LOVE Phil Collins
T
he music I lovedwhenI was 12 was not
outwardly rebellious it wasnt punk or
evenindie but listening to popmusic
was still anact of deance towards my
parents. They were rst generation
Pakistani immigrants, so the only music
they approvedof was sung inUrdu. I wouldwatchTopof
the Pops withmy father who wouldstare at the likes of Boy
George onthe televisionwithanexpressionof bemused
bewilderment, andthat only made me love Culture Club
more. Popmusic is not intellectual no intellectual would
dare to rhyme language withsandwich as Menat Work
didinDownUnder, a UKNumber One in1983 but
while popmay be unsophisticatedthe ways andreasons
why we listento it are complex.
The music we listento corresponds to the life
challenges we are undergoing, explains Dr Jason
Rentfrow, a neuroscientist at the University of Cambridge
conducting researchinto the social psychology of music.
During adolescence, the commonchallenge is to develop
a sense of identity andautonomy so childrentendto listen
to music that is rebellious this is relatedto somehow
developing a sense of independence towards their parents
andauthority.
Inother words, the reasonmusic means so muchto
us whenwe are young is that it is one of the fewmeans at
our disposal for self-expressionandto annoy the hell out
of our parents.
RED RED WINE UB40
LETS DANCE David Bowie
UPTOWN GIRL Billy Joel
I
hadassumedthat listening againto the
hits of 1983 wouldhave felt like bumping
into oldfriends whomone occasionally
runs into at weddings andbirthdays.
The reality was that many of those songs
are nowstaples of radio stations like
Magic. So while they may be 30years old, there canhardly
be a day whenBillie Jean, True, RedRedWine and
Every BreathYouTake arent playedonthe radio. These
songs are so muchpart of the culture that its a shock to be
remindedthere was a time before they existeda time
whenBillie Jean was not inthe world.
The memories are so
vivid. But why do we
remember the sound and
feeIing of being 12 with
far greater cIarity than the
feeIing of being 22 or 32?
I canremember being 13 andsitting by the window
inthe house I was brought upin, Bonnie Tyler says, and
listening to Sandie Shaws (Theres) Always Something
There to RemindMe I cansee it now.
There was a party inmy neighbours home, Casey
says. AndThe Loco-Motion came onandsuddenly we
were all dancing.
The memories are so vivid. But why do we remember
the soundandfeeling of being 12 withfar greater clarity
thanthe feeling of being 22 or 32? Why do I remember The
Flying Pickets better thanI recall EMF? Petr Janata is a
cognitive neuroscientist who has studiedthe impact on
the brainof listening to music fromchildhood.
Autobiographical memories fromadolescence tend
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WhenI heardthemthe rst time roundas a 12-year-
old, these songs trumpetedmy youth; today, they tease me
about my middle age. The songs may have remainedthe
same but the worldaroundthemhas changed. The vinyl
single gave way to the download, Topof the Pops has
beenreplacedby YouTube andthe primacy of popmusic
as youthentertainment has beenchallengedwiththe
emergence of video games andsocial networking. It is
adierent world.
Catchupwiththe class of 1983 andit is amixedpicture.
Michael Jacksonis dead, Phil Collins has retiredfrom
music, while BillyJoel is only just out of hiatus. Rod
Stewart became acrooner andThe Flying Pickets original
members nowmostlyworkas actors (DavidBrett played
Dedalus Diggle inthe lmadaptationof HarryPotterand
thePhilosophers Stone). Kajagoogoo, SpandauBallet and
The Police all split upthenreunited. NewEditionare back
onthe roadandHarryWayne Casey, Paul Young and
DuranDuranare backinthe studiothis year. Bonnie Tyler
has anewalbumout, owhichasong was selectedas the
BritishentryinEurovision2013. UB40, perhaps ttingly,
were declaredbankrupt and, perhaps the most
heartbreaking revelationtheir leadsinger Ali Campbell
is nowajudge onNewZealands Got Talent.
The two artists from1983 who have most successfully
remainedcreatively interesting are DavidBowie who
this year releaseda surprise newalbumto universal
acclaimafter 10years away andBoy George, who has
reinventedhimself during the past fewdecades as a club
DJ. George admittedthere was a periodwhenKarma
Chameleon got onhis nerves. I was doing a tour with
ABCandHumanLeague andBelinda Carlisle, he says.
I remember thinking everyone has that one song
Heavenis a Place onEarth, Temptation, Dont You
Want Me andI hadreal issues withbeing denedby
mypast, but I dont feel that anymore.
George, who has a newalbumout, has previously
re-recordedKarma Chameleon, just as Casey has
re-recordedGive It Up andBonnie Tyler has re-recorded
Total Eclipse of the Heart to be includedas anextra
track for her newalbum. Its hardto let go.
TOO SHY Kajagoogoo
TRUE Spandau Ballet
DOWN UNDER Men at Work
IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW? - Duran Duran
T
his was supposedly the goldenage
of pop, whenpopstars werent
embarrassedto do what popstars are
meant to do: have big hair, dabble in
cross-dressing andponce aroundon
yachts withsupermodels. Revisiting the
hits of 1983, Imremindedthat for every Boy George there
was that baldbloke out of The Flying Pickets andfor every
Michael Jacksonthere was Billy Joel.
The music I recall hating at the time Kajagoogoo,
for example nowseems adorably cheesy rather than
simply terrible. Time may not always heal but it can
atter. I also found, onlistening againto the songs which
reachedthe topof the charts 30years ago, that almost
every one triggeredmemories of summer. Karma
Chameleon makes me think of long summer days playing
cricket during the school holidays. Infact, Culture Club
were Number One for six weeks starting inSeptember
of that year, but inmy recollectionthe song is a summer
anthem. The reasonfor this, I learn, is that nostalgic
thoughts canliterally give us a warmglow. Arecent study
fromresearchers at SouthamptonUniversity foundthat
people felt physically warmer after listening to songs that
evokedmemories of childhood. Inrecent years, I have
foundmyself returning more oftento the music of my past.
There was a time whenI wouldhave resistedadmitting
being anEighties kidbut these days I enjoy listening to
the songs frommy childhood.
Music fromour past elicits a feeling of nostalgia, Petr
Janata tells me. Andrecent work suggests that engaging
innostalgia helps protect the personfromexistential
challenges. So, if there are circumstances inyour life that
provoke these challenges thenlistening to music that will
evoke nostalgia canhelpyoucope: inother words its a
comfort. If youare looking to listento music that will help
I stiII Iove pop music but
I do not search it out any
more, it reaches me by
accident. I have no idea
what is Number One in
the pop charts right now
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regulate our emotions thenturning to the popmusic of the
past is likely to helpwiththat more thanunfamiliar pop
fromthe present.
That makes sense. As we get older, our lives get
progressivelymore complex, andcomparedtothe prospect
of manfully confronting big topics like marriage,
parenthoodand, ultimately, death, the prospect of
listening once againto The Flying Pickets Only You
is irresistible. The past feels comforting andthe present
increasingly feels foreign.
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART Bonnie Tyler
ONLY YOU The Flying Pickets
EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE The Police

Has it really been30years? Bonnie

Tyler asks I cant believe its that long,
it feels like 10or maybe 15 years.
My God, the last 30years have gone
fast, Paul Young says.
The poplandscape [today] is
unrecognisable to me, Boy George says. WhenI ask him
what was the last great popsong he couldremember, he
suggests The Drugs Dont Work, whichis 16 years old.
There are some great recent popsongs, Bonnie Tyler
says. CanI name any? Pause. Sorry, my mindhas
gone blank.
She isnt the only one. The truthis that I still love
popmusic Robbie, Britney, Rihanna andthe rest but
I do not searchit out any more andthe only way it reaches
me is by accident. I still listento newmusic but it is not
pop, it is more likely to be rock, folk or country. I have
absolutely no idea what is Number One inthe popcharts
right nowandbefore I lookedit uponline I hadnot even
heardof the biggest selling song from2012 Gotyes
Somebody That I Usedto Know.
Inthe interests of research, I searchedout that song
andpreparedto take a listen. I was fully expecting to be
disappointed, to ndit analienating racket, but infact
I lovedit. Not only was it a sublime piece of pop, it felt
like asong I couldfall inlove with. So why hadI not ever
heardit before?
The brains synapses are programmedto growfor a
number of years, making newconnections, Dr Jeanette
Bicknell writes inher 2009 book WhyMusic Moves Us.
After that time there is a shift towards pruning, to get rid
of unneededconnectionstrying toappreciate newmusic
canbe like contemplating a newfriendship.
Andjust as our strongest friendships tendto be those
that have beentestedby time, so it is withmusic. As
adults we just dont have the time, Dr JasonRentfrow
adds. Whenwe are young we have lots of time andmusic
is a cheapway of expressing our identity but as we get older
we have less time to explore newmusic andwe have other
ways to express our personality.
Andthats the truth, isnt it? WhenI was 12, popmusic
was my only means of having a voice. But as adults, we
canexpress ourselves withthe choice of who we marry,
or whether we marry or not, andby whether we drive or
cycle, what box set we watchandwhat we do for work.
It is the easiest thing inthe worldto assume that the songs
fromthe era whenwe were young were better thanthe
music being releasednow. Just as it is also easy to suggest
that because there is so muchmore music thanthere was,
andso many other forms of entertainment anddistraction
available to young people, it has to followthat music
means less to them.
WhenI was young music was life or death, Paul
Young says. I knowwhat music meant to me thenbut
I dont think kids today drawfromit or get the same solace
fromit like I did.
Its all so contrivednow, Casey adds.
I dont knowif they are right or wrong. I suspect that
the truthis that the music fromour childhoodis great
because it is fromour childhood, because listening to it
thenhelpedus become the adults we are today and
listening to it today reminds us of whenwe were young.
In1983, the best selling single was Culture Clubs
Karma Chameleon andit soldaround1.4millioncopies.
Last year, the best selling single was Somebody That
I Usedto Know by Gotye. Howmany copies didit sell?
1.4million. So what has really changedinthe past 30
years? Everything andnothing: only me andonly you.
Giving the pop
kids what they
want: One
Direction own
2013; in 1983,
Duran Duran
(far left), did
the business
Golden years:
for David
Bowie, theyve
never ended
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T H E C U T O F
H I S C L O T H
Photographs by David Titlow
Fashion by Catherine Hayward
This season, tailoring comes with a twist: patterns and
fabrics updated and redefined. AllowSamClaflin, star
of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, to demonstrate
P R A D A
Pradas graphic black-
and-white checked
coat with contrasting
velvet collar is a
modern approach to
a conventional classic.
Black/white gingham
checked mohair
coat, 1,175; navy
cotton shirt,
290; black cotton
trousers, 235,
all by Prada
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W
henSamClain
signed up for the
second installment
of Hollywoods
current young adult
phenomenonThe
Hunger Games, he wasnt prepared for
the kind of reactionhed get. Afew
teenage girls onTwitter threatened
suicide because I was cast. It was all,
Who the hell is SamClain? Hes fat,
hes ugly, Imgoing to kill myself.
The Hunger Games is a big deal.
The rst book, published in2006,
spent 100 consecutive weeks onThe
NewYorkTimes Best Sellers list and
the lmversion, starring Jennifer
Lawrence, made $700mat the
box oce. Clainjoins the franchise
for the sequel, CatchingFire, as Finnick
Odair. The Twitter maelstromcame
about because the book describes his
character as bronzed, buandwith
incredible sea-greeneyes, a
challenging set of demands for any
mantolive upto.
To do so, he hit the gymtwice
daily, ve days a week, and lived on
proteinshakes, chickenand
asparagus. Judging by his LAtanand
a minor struggle withsome of the
clothes onthe Esquire shoot, it looks
like Clainhas managed to t the bill.
Its my footballer thighs, says the
27-year-old. He was a promising player
at NorwichCitys School of Excellence
as a boy, but a long-termankle injury
led himto pursue his other interest,
acting. After drama school, he got his
break in2011s Pirates of the Caribbean:
OnStranger Tides, alongside Johnny
Depp: Hes amazing, man. What a
cool motherfucker.
Next, hes jostling for attention
withfellowyoung Britishactors
Douglas Boothand Max Irons in
the lmadaptationof the acclaimed
play Posh, about adebauched,
elitist Oxbridge undergraduate
diningclub, basedonthe infamous
BullingdonClub.
The two other signicant
developments inClains increasingly
busy schedule have beenmarriage to
his fellowactor LauraHaddockandthe
acquisitionof acockapoo called Rosie.
Its very far frombeing the most
manly dog, says Clain, stating the
obvious. If, however, you are a single
man, get a cockapoo and walk down
the park; youll get plenty of attention.
Attentionmay be something
Clainneeds to get used to.
ColinCrummy
The Hunger Games: CatchingFire is
out on21 November
Contenders ready!
Sam Claflin and
Jennifer Lawrence
limber up for The
Hunger Games:
Catching Fire
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To watch a video of our SamClaflin
shoot, go to esquire.co.uk
G U C C I
Classic cloths
neednt be formal.
Guccis oversized
houndstooth
checked trousers
work equally well
with a casual chunky
sweater and boots.
White cashmere
knit jumper,
1,120; black
cashmere
long-sleeved polo
shirt, 580;
black/white
houndstooth wool
trousers, 515;
black leather
military boots,
655, all by Gucci
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E MP O R I O
A R MA N I
The master of sleek
tailoring Giorgio
Armani cuts his suits
a little shorter at
Emporio Armani,
his younger, more
afordable line. Swap
your usual white
shirt and tie for a
sportier neoprene
collared shirt.
Grey checked wool
suit, 940; navy
cotton shirt with
neoprene collar,
250, both by
Emporio Armani.
Black leather
Chelsea boots,
310, by Churchs
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Charcoal Prince
of Wales check
wool , 1,295;
grey cotton
, 195, both
by Burberry
London. Black
cotton ,
495, by Burberry
Prorsum
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Far from its formal
roots, the three-
piece suit can be an
adaptable addition
to a winter wardrobe.
When worn tieless
with a chunkier dark
brown leather
brogue, this
windowpane check
version is an elegant,
low-key way to work
a tricky pattern.
Black windowpane
checked wool
three-piece suit,
3,195, by Ralph
Lauren Purple
Label. Blue
striped cotton
shirt, 125,
by Polo Ralph
Lauren. Dark
brown leather
brogues, 500,
by Ralph Lauren
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Navy pinstriped
wool double-
breasted ,
1,415; navy
striped cotton
, 169, all
by Pal Zileri.
Black leather
, 750,
by Prada
E R ME N E G I L D O
Z E G N A
Grey herringbone
overlaid with a wide
chalk stripe is a
dynamic way to
introduce a multi-
textured cloth into
a plainer wardrobe.
Dont be afraid to add
more pattern with a
sweater underneath
as long as it is in a
similar grey tone.
Light grey/white
herringbone and
striped wool blazer,
1,490; light grey/
white striped cotton
vest, 1,000; white
textured cotton
shirt, 225, all by
Ermenegildo Zegna
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PHOTOGRAPHERS ASSISTANTS: KEITH
BECKLES, CHRISTY WHITE I FASHION
ASSISTANTS: STEPHANIE CRAIN,
TERESA EBERLE I DIGITAL OPERATOR:
ROB JARVIS I GROOMING: CIONA
JOHNSON-KING AT AARTLONDON USING
LORAL PARIS MEN EXPERT SKINCARE
AND LOREAL PARIS STUDIOLINE | SEE
STOCKISTS PAGE FOR DETAILS
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BRUNELLOCUCINELLI
FORMAL
EDUCATION
Navy cashmere tuxedo with shawl collar, 4,920;
navy cashmere/silk/wool/annel bowtie, 217, both
by Brunello Cucinelli. White cotton dress shirt,
195, by Turnbull &Asser
Photographs by BLAIRGETZMEZIBOV
Fashion by GARETHSCOURFIELD
Want to learn howto pull oblack tie without looking
like a dickie? Take a lesson fromRichard Armitage,
the best-dressed dwarf in all of Middle Earth
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December 2013 FASHION 214 / 215
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GUCCI
Navy silk/wool dinner jacket, 1,770; black silk/wool
trousers, 430, both by Gucci. Blue cotton dress shirt,
115, by Budd. Black silk bowtie, 80, by Lanvin. Black
patent leather shoes, 395, by Hackett
December 2013 FASHION 216/ 217
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GIEVES &HAWKES
Black ne wool dinner jacket, 495; white cotton
formal evening shirt, 125; black silk bowtie, 65;
black ne wool dinner trousers, 200, all by
Gieves &Hawkes
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R
ichardArmitageis billedthirdinthe
sixteenthmost successful lmever
made. That sounds good. I shouldsay
it likethat moreoften. Not badfor a
boy fromLeicester, says the
42-year-old, whomight attainan
evenhigher rankingthanhedidfor TheHobbit: An
UnexpectedJourney, withhis next lm, TheHobbit: The
DesolationOf Smaug. Inbothandnext years thirdin
Peter Jacksons trilogy Armitageplays Thorin
Oakenshield, theleader of theCompany of Dwarves.
InJacksons precedingLordof theRings lms, eight
of thenineactors whoplayedtheFellowshipgot atattoo
tocommemoratetheir sharedexperiencemakingthe
movies. It was of thewordnine inJRRTolkiens Elvish
language. The 13menintheCompany of Dwarves
lookedfor asimilar bondingexercise.
Wedidtalkabout gettingtattoos, Armitagesays,
but weareaslightly older, slightly less adventurous
group. TryingtoconvinceKenStott toget atattoowas
out of thequestion. So we had a special ring made, of
which we all have a version. Armitageis not wearinghis
today. Its still inaboxsomewherewithall thestuI had
shippedbackfromNewZealand.
Theres quiteabit of unpackingtodo. Theactor has
spent muchof thelast two-and-a-half years inNew
ZealandmakingTheHobbit lms, pausingonly togoto
Detroit tolmafound-footageactionmovie, Intothe
Storm, out next year. Beforethat it was calledUntitled
TornadoProject, whichI thought was great, hesays.
I was lucky enoughtoget aUSworkvisafor that,
soI feel that I shouldtry andmakethebest useof it.
Thereis ahugebody of great writingout therein
AmericanTVandImhuntingfor apart. They askyouto
commit tosix years onaUSshow, though. I wouldhaveto
befascinatedby thesubject matter andreally want to
play apart for all that time.
Armitage is not afraidof commitment. Aged17, he
workedfor three months in a Budapest circus to get his
actors unioncard: I was very goodat ips. Playing
Lucas North, aspy, inthreeseries of Spooks from2008,
helearnedtospeakRussian, despiteonly havingafew
lines inthelanguagethat hecouldhavelearned
phonetically, andhewas waterboardedfor real. The
screams youcanhear duringthetorturescenearenot
fromhis character, hesays, but fromhim.
Every timeI walkaroundLondon, I seesomewhere
weshot Spooks, Armitagesays. Theespionagethriller
gavethecapitals architectureas muchscreentimeas
someof its guest stars. I was downintheCity last night,
walkingover LondonBridgewithacoupleof friends, and
said, Look, I jumpedothetopof that building.
Thereis another legacy of his years intheintelligence
services: his wardrobe.
Alot of theclothes I wear every day werecostumes
fromshows Ivedone. OnSpooks, I endedupbuyingalot
of thegear youget aminimal discount because
I just likedit. Its that lazy mindset of someoneelsehas
pickedthis becauseI lookgoodinit, soIll haveit.
Thingis, I get alittlebit frustratedat being
recognisedsometimes, but thenI think, Of courseyoull
berecognised, youbloody idiot, yourewearingthe
costume. Paul Wilson

TheHobbit: TheDesolationof Smaugis out on

13December
For more on this story, go to esquire.co.uk
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GIORGIOARMANI
Navy wool/silk-mix tuxedo, 2,500; white cotton
dress shirt, 325; navy silk bowtie, 90, all by
Giorgio Armani. Silver cuinks with nacre detail,
135, by Turnbull &Asser. Black leather/suede/
patent leather shoes, 575, by Christian Louboutin
December 2013 FASHION 218 / 219
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PAUL SMITH
Black mohair/wool blend tuxedo, 829, by Paul
Smith. Black jacquard silk waistcoat, 850, by
Brioni. White cotton dress shirt, 99, by Thomas
Pink. Navy paisley silk bowtie, 70, by Hackett
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December 2013 FASHION 220 / 221
MAN
V
WEEK
30-DAY
FREE
TRIAL
MAN WINS.
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FOR YOUR FREE TRIAL GO TO THE APPLE APP STORE AND SEARCH ESQUIRE UK.
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everything the modern man needs to take on the week and win.
223 Photographs by Dave Benett
PARTY
RAISING
THE ROOF
Nicola Roberts
Christian Tattersfield and Max Lousada (Warner Music);
Wretch 32; Clara Paget and Sarah Ann Macklin
Plan B and Zara Martin
Josphine de la Baume
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and Patrick Grant
In the halcyon days of summer 2013, the good folk
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for a shindig in the salubrious surroundings of
Shoreditch Houses Secret Garden and Lazy Lawn
(spoiler: theyre on the roof). There, revellers, from
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and Sarah Ann Macklin, supped Belvedere Vodka
cocktails, partied till they could no more and gazed
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WHAT: THE WARNER MUSIC GROUP SUMMER
DRINKS HOSTED IN ASSOCIATION WITH ESQUIRE
WHEN: 18 JULY 2013
WHERE: THE SECRET GARDEN AND LAZY LAWN,
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225
03
01 | Brownsuedeboots,
240, by Corneliani
02 | Navy cashmerescarf,
210, by Corneliani
03 | Blue/whitestriped
cottonshirt, 65, by Dockers
04 | Grey wool coat, 99,
by Next
05 | Black Rebel at Heart
chronograph, 298, by
Thomas Sabo
06 | RedFair Islewool jumper,
135, by Gant
07 | Grey corduroy trousers,
80, by Penfield
08 | Black leather gloves,
99, by Jaeger
01
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DIRECTORY
The thing about winter is you have to dress up for it.
But festive doesnt have to mean, you know, festive.
Show the season whos boss with warm layers (and show
the other half what stocking-fillers to stock up on)
07
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226
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DIRECTORY
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DOUBLE STRIPE
HOLDALL
BY TODS
1,500
Hillary expedition climbers
ascending Mt Everest, May 1953 Get out much?
december 2013
adventure
snowboarding
Filming the impossible
off-roading
The 4x4 Olympics
exploring
Sir Ranulph Fiennes on
46 years of discovery
surviving
The fastest man on one leg
skydiving
Felix Baumgartner drops in
+
The 32 most dangerous
places on Earth
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IntroducIng
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03
CAPTAINS LOG
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
THE CALL TO
ADVENTURE
Therearemany, manydierent reasons
as towhyonefeels acall toadventure,
or for expeditions of acurious nature.
Therst reasonI tell peopleis that
I needtomakealiving, andthis is what
I do. Clearly, organisinganexpedition
iscostlyanddoesnt makeapenny. But
youdotheexpedition, andthenyou
recuperatebydoingabookandlectures.
I rst servedinthearmywhereI took
AdventureTrainingskiing, canoeing,
climbing, that sort of thingandwhen
myshort servicecommissionendedand
I was duetoleave, I spoketomymentor,
Colonel JohnBlashford-Snell [whom
Esquireinterviewsonpage14]. I said,
Imabout toleavethearmyandImvery
keenonAdventureTraining. Insteadof
saying, oyougo, Johngavemelists
of peoplewithexpertises parachuting,
surveying, whitewater canoeing
withasecret codingas totheir defects.
Thetrendwas for polar expeditions,
andin1972, mylatewifeandI began
arrangingthemost ambitious oneof
all, theTransglobeExpedition52,000
miles aroundtheworld, vertically.
Planningit tookthenext 11 years of
our lives. Hereweencounteredabig
problem, becauseacertainnation* seem
tothinkthepolar regions belongtothem
andbegantryingtobreakour records.
Andsoanother motivationcrept
in: anelement of competitiveness. This
is sometimes annoying, becauseit would
benicer for us if it wasnt there. Captain
Scott probablywouldnt havediedif he
hadnt beenforcedtorace. Of course,
hewantedtoberst tothepolesodid
everybodybut insteadof takingateam
of ski racingpeoplewithracingdogs, he
Sir Ranulph Fiennes on mans inexorable drive
to explore new territories
tookateamof scientists. Andscience
is, of course, another keymotivation.
Thentheres theallureof exploring
theunknown, thoughthat has become
moredicult toachieve. Its all been
mapped. OntheTransglobeExpedition,
whenwearrivedinAntarctica, 900miles
of that was totallyunexplored. Sowe
mappedit, anareabigger thanFrance
that nohumanbeingknewanything
about. Weweretrueexplorers.
Andnally, thereis, yes, simply
afascinationtoexploring.
Inaround1968, I becameobsessed
withdiscoveringalost city, somewhere
intheEmptyQuarter [Rub al Khali]
belowSaudi Arabia. Wemounted
expeditionafter expedition, seven
intotal all LandRover-sponsored
[EsquiresstoryontheclassicCamel
Trophyraceisonpage21] totrytond
it. Eventually, whenwedidndit, it
wasbyluck. Weuncoveredanentirecity
[Ubar], whichis nowthebiggest active
excavationsiteinSaudi Arabia.
Therearestill sportingfeats tobe
hadtoseewhocanget thehighest,
for example[onwhichnote, Esquire
meetsFelixBaumgartneronpage34].
But toexploretogosomewhereand
discover somethingnewhas become
dicult. It means that peoplelikeme,
whodont evenhaveA-levels, aregoing
tondit moredicult. Thereis still
pioneeringworktobedone, but it will be
donebyexperts: astronauts, botanists,
sub-oceanexperts andglaciologists.
SirRanulphFiennes latestbook,
Cold: ExtremeAdventuresAtThe
Lowest TemperaturesOnEarth
(Simon&Schuster, 20), isoutnow
Sir Ranulph
Fiennes during
his epic crossing
of the Antarctic
to the Ross
Ice Shelf, 1980
*NORWAY, THOUGH SIR RANULPH WONT SAY AS
MUCH. HE REFERS TO IT AS A SWEAR WORD
Editor-in-chief Alex Bilmes
Editor Johnny Davis
Creative director David McKendrick
Art director Nick Millington
Chief sub editor Brendan Fitzgerald
Deputy chief sub editor Jim Merrett
Designer Chloe Yeoman
A jamboree of
daring deeds
In association
with
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MOUNTAINEERING
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
Brooklyn-based photographer Woodward
took his jetlagged friends Scott
Bennett (in yellow) and Blake
Herrington (in green) to El Chorros
400ft-tall African Wall under the
premise of a picnic, but told them
to bring their climbing gear just in
case. I had been eyeing up this part
of the gorge for the better part of
two weeks, admits Woodward, who took
this shot from one of the few spots
sheltered from the strong wind ripping
through the gorge. El Chorro is known
for its infamous Caminito del Rey
walkway, which was recently reopened
to the public. (For that and more
dangerous escapades, see page 32.)
THE NEW EXPLORERS
#1
EL CHORRO,
SPAIN
Photograph by
Forest Woodward
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We speculated they had never seen
a human before, photographer
Skerry says of the pod of southern
right whales that were only recently
discovered and he encountered 70ft
down off New Zealands subantarctic
outpost. They were just as curious
about me as I was about them. Theyd
come over and try to nudge me these
are 45ft, 70-tonne whales. Theyre like
city buses. The southern right whale
is endangered but is faring better
than its northern hemisphere cousin.
The North Atlantic right whale has the
dubious distinction of being the most
endangered whale in the world, Skerry
says. Theres only 400 of them left.
THE NEW EXPLORERS
#2
AUCKLAND
ISLANDS, NZ
Photograph by
Brian Skerry
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Chanced upon by a local man in 1991,
the Hang Son Doong cave system only
gained wider recognition in 2009 after
being explored by cavers Howard and
Deb Limbert a couple from Bradford.
The 9km-long cave boasts a forest
canopy populated by flying foxes and
monkeys, tumbling waterfalls and this
vast cavern, the largest on Earth,
which could easily house a 40-storey
building. The Limberts now run guided
tours of the cave, billed as the
greatest adventure on the planet.
THE NEW EXPLORERS
#3
HANG SON DOONG,
VIETNAM
Photograph by
Carsten Peter
CAVING
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
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ADAPTIVE SNOWCROSS
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
THE MAN
WHO REBUILT
HIS OWN LEG
WHAT HAPPENS WHENYOULOSE ALIMB
IN PRO RACING AND THE PROSTHETICS
INDUSTRYCANT HELP YOU? FOR SNOWCROSS
RIDER MONSTER MIKE SCHULTZ, IT MEANT
TAKING TO HIS GARAGE AND CONSTRUCTING
A NEWLEG HIMSELF FROMBIKE PARTS
By Alex Moshakis | Portrait by Todd Williams
METAL TO THE
PEDAL: Monster
Mike Schultz
wearing his Moto
Knee, next to
his competition
snowmobile at the
Winter X Games
in Aspen, 2013
<
M
ikeSchultzremembers
roaring, hard. It was
just after 9am, andhe
layalone, faceup,
sprawledat across cold,
churnedsnow. Asecondpreviously,
beforeinstinct promptedhimtoreturn
theappendagetoits natural position, his
left foot sat disconcertinglyonhis chest.
For therst time, hecouldexaminethe
soleof his boot whilestill wearingit.
Schultz, now32, hadbrokenbones
beforeawrist, anankle, his clavicle.
But accidents tendedonlytohappen
whenherodedirt bikes, inthesummer,
across dustytrails near his Minnesota
hometown. Not oncehadhefractured
aboneridingasnowmobile. Amiracle,
reallyfor 10years, hedbeenracing
insnowcross, therapidextremesport
inwhichriders hurl high-performance
snowmobiles across raggedtracks. Hed
beenarespectedprofessional for four.
Today, 13 December 2008, was
dierent. Inthesnowcross o-season,
whenpros cut their engines andenter
asix-monthexistenceawayfromthe
cold, Schultzhadswitchedtoanewrace
group, Warnert Racing, aMinnesotan
super team headquartered80miles
fromhis home. It meant familiarising
himself withanewmachine, which
wasprovingtroublesome. Schultzs
rst event of theseason, theprevious
weekend, hadendedindisappointment.
His suspensionlackedresponse, the
handlingrequiredne-tuningandhis
racingstyleneededadjustment. Schultz
hadremainedoutwardlypositivehed
takenthevehicletotheshop, madesome
amends but doubts onits condition
lingered. Todaywas anopportunity
toreassert his positionat thepinnacle
of thesport. Still, hereasoned, hecould
onlydohis best withwhat hehad.
Whenthegreenagfell, Schultzs
machinestuttered. Its tracks failedto
gripthesnow, whilerivals racedintothe
distance. For asnowcross rider towin
amajor event, hemust rst get through
aqualier, whichfor Schultzmeant
placingtopve. It wasnt animpossible
taskhedquicklyrejoinedthepack
followingtheinitial misrebut one
madetrickybyBobbyLePage, thepro
currentlyinfthplace. Halfwaythrough
therace, Schultzmadeacharge. He
hadnt riddenthecoursebefore(it was
newtothecircuit, carvedintoaslopein
aski resort) andwhilesnowcross tracks
arenever at, this was especiallyrough.
Onasteepdownhill, Schultzs
machinestartedapping. His control
waned, his gripbegantofail. Schultz,
whois tall andmuscular andlauded
for anaggressiveridingstyle, was
unabletohangonandhewas ung
violently. His kneeshatteredintopieces.
It was acompoundfracture, he
says. It severedthenerveandthemain
arterythat supplies mylower leg. The
worst part was Imlyingonthesnow
andthemedical personnel came
over andunzippedmypant legand
I couldjust hear thebloodgushout,
likesomebodydumpedagallonof water
onthegroundit just went whoosh.
After enduringthreemajor
emergencyoperations (maybefour,
Schultzcant remember exactly), a
dismayeddoctor walkedintohis room.
Mykidneys wereshuttingdown,
Schultzsays. Mylifewas inthebalance.
Weneedtoamputateinorder tosave
your life, is basicallywhat hetoldme.
Snowcross is synonymous with
danger. Snowmobiles weigharound >
230kg, courses areviolent, jumps canrise
closeto10mintheair. Countless racers
havebrokenbones, lost limbs or suered
near-fatal collisions. Earlier this year,
CalebMoore, arespectedfreestylerider,
becametherst athletetodieat the
Winter XGames whenanattempted
backipwent awry. Hewas 25.
Schultzs storyisnt particularly
original: plentyof other athletes have
experiencedsimilar fates, someworse.
But fewhavedonewhat hedidnext.
Five-and-a-half-weeks after his
accident, SchultzandwifeSarawalked
out of ameetingwithChipTaylor, an
experiencedlocal prosthetist. Schultzs
left leghadbeenamputatedabove
theknee, andhedbeentted
withareplacement limbequippedwith
microprocessor technology, aprosthetic
component that helps patients regain
andmaintainoptimumstability. Schultz
usedit for everydaystu, walking
mostly, but wasnt entirelyhappy.
Low-extremityprostheses, those
riggedwithmicroprocessors
particularly, arepricey. (Anentire
package, whichincludes acustom-made
socket that links theresidual limbto
components beneath, cancost upwards
of 40,000, despitethetechnology
beingaround15 years old.) Theyrealso
incrediblyfragile. For Schultz, fragility
presentedaproblem. Hedrecently
discoveredtheworldof adaptive
extremesports high-octane, highly
competitiveraces for amputeeand
paraplegicathletes andhis ultimate
post-accident goal hadsubsequently
evolvedbeyondbasicrecovery.
Schultzhadriddendirt bikes since
hewas 13 andsnowmobiles beforethen.
Initially, theappeal layinfreedom,
ateenager escapingtheconnes of
familylife. But morerecently, racinghad
cometodenehim. Helovedthenoise,
thespeed, thedrug-highrushof pre-race
adrenaline. Andhemissednot being
surroundedbypeoplewhothrivedon
thosethings, too. Schultzdidnt want to
ekeout amiddlingexistenceawayfrom
theactivities heloved. What hewanted
was areturntocompetitiveracing.
But nosuitablyrobust prosthesis
existed. For ridingasnowmobileyou
needtohaveyour kneebent, hesays.
It needs toabsorbtheimpact of riding
over bumps, toallowyourself tostandup
or sit down, balancesidetoside. Right
awayI knewit just wasnt goingtowork.
Drawingonthecountless hours
hedspent ne-tuningracingmachines,
Schultzset about buildinganewleg,
onethat couldhandlehighlevels of
physical stress. Fewdoubtedhis ability
tosucceed. After his nal operation,
whenfriends visitedSchultzinhospital,
theyjokedhedbuildhis waybackinto
competitiveracingnomatter what his
physical condition. ChipTaylor agrees.
Mikes averygiftedfabricator, he
says. Heknewheneededtomake
somethingdierent inorder for it to
worktohis potential andhis function.
AshvinPimpalnerkar, aBritish
orthopedicsports consultant, says
impetus constitutes thesinglemost
important element of anindividuals
abilitytorecover fromtrauma. Therst
thingis motivation, hesays. Mindover
matter. People, throughsheer mental
strength, canovercomedisabilities.
Schultzhadmental strengthand
healsoknewtheright people. Hecalled
inafavour at bikepart companyFox,
whosuppliedaboxof rawcomponents,
most importantlya2instrokeshockthat
oeredthekindof resistance, exion
andextensionother prostheses couldnt.
Thenhebegandraftingprototypes.
Thebiggest challengewas getting
therangeof motionsimilar tothereal
knee, hesays. [Once] I got thegeometry
of that all guredout, I hit upthe
machineshopandstartedcuttingparts.
Schultzworkedatight schedule,
oftentoilinglateintothenight. He
begantheproject inMarch. BylateMay,
hewas competinginanadaptivedirt
bikequalier for theSummer XGames,
whichhadjust addedanadaptive
motocross racetoits programme.
Hetooksilver, whichmeant hedmade
thecut. Later that summer, at theevent
proper inLos Angeles, hecamesecond
again. Thefollowingyear hewongold
(inaracehewas just content tobe
allowedtocompetein.) Hes since
claimedfour morersts, oneonthedirt
bike, threeonthesnowmobile. When,
twoyears agointheProVet snowcross
championship, Schultzbeat aeld
of able-bodiedriders all over 30
andwithbothlegs heconrmed
hisstatusamongthesports legends,
andthenpromptlyretiredfrom
non-adaptivecompetition.
I askMikeif heever reallybelieved
hedmakeit backtosuchahighlevel
of competition: No, I was just happy
tobeonmydirt bikeagain.
But youvebeenwinning! Yeah. Ive
beenonquitearoll.
WhenSchultzrst encounteredthe
worldof adaptiveextremesports, hewas
stunnedbythevolumeof participating
athletes. Schultzknewamputees rode
dirt bikes andsnowmobiles, didthings
hewas personallyinvestedin. But he
didnt knowabout kayaking, mountain
biking, skateboardingandweight
training. Hedidnt knowamputees
surfed, rodehorses, evenwater-skied.
Idnever reallybeenaroundanyother
12
/13
JOINT VENTURE:
Schultzs BioDapt
Moto Knee with
prosthetic foot
attached, above;
Mike Schultz
in his workshop
C
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amputees until that point, hesays.
Thats whenI was like, Holycow,
therearealot of other peoplewhocould
benet fromthis kindof thing.
Inspired, andwithtimetospare,
Schultzspent thenext year-and-a-half
ne-tuninghis prototype, creating
aproduction-readyunit appropriate
for useinahugevarietyof adaptive
sports. Insummer 2010, hefounded
BioDapt IncproducingtheMotoKnee, a
high-impact prosthesis abletowithstand
heavyrecreational use. Hesoldhis rst
thefollowingyear, toKeithDeutsch, a
retiredUSarmysergeant. Deutschpaid
just over $6,000[3,700] for it; Schultz
has sincesoldnearly100more.
Deutschlost his right legin2003,
inIraq, whenhis battalionwas
ambushed. Now, hetakes part in
high-proleadaptivesnowboarding
events, despitelackinganyprior
experienceincompetitivesport.
JimWazny, 42, is another Moto
Kneesuccess story. In2001, the
prosthetics technicianlost most of
hisleft leginafreakmotocross accident.
Nowheuses aBioDapt prosthesis
tocompeteannuallyintheadaptive
eventsacross theUS. MichelleSalt, 28,
isaCanadianrealtor andboardercross
athlete, whocameoa10-day-old
motorbikeinJanuary2011, losingher
ADAPTIVE SNOWCROSS
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
right legabovetheknee. Next year, shell
wear aSchultz-madedeviceat theSochi
Winter Olympics.
Thefutureof everydayprostheses
seems bright: microprocessor
technologyis becomingincreasingly
accessible. ChipTaylor believes a
brain-sensitivevariant wont befar away.
It might still beamicroprocessor knee,
hesays, but it will probablyutiliseeither
brainactivityor neurologicfunction
topromoteafaster, morepositivemeans
of support, stabilityandfunction.
But demandfor sports-suitable
prostheses beyondtheadaptivesports
communityis minimal fewlabs will
ventureintosuchaconsumer-limited
market. Just about all prostheses
usedfor extremerecreational sports
havebeendevelopedbythepatients who
neededthem, Taylor says. Without the
personal investment of aforward-
thinking, technology-savvyamputee,
improvedrecreational prostheses will
remainundeveloped. For now, Schultzs
will do. Countless adaptiveathletes
wear theMotoKneeincompetition
andplentyenduponthepodium.
Has Schultzever beenbeaten
byaMotoKnee-wearingcompetitor?
One: his nameis MaxGomez.
Atalenteddirt bikerider wholost
hisright foot last year inmotocross,
Gomez, 19, uses VersaFoot, thepartner
totheMotoKnee. At aqualier this year,
thepair linedupnext toeachother on
thestart line. Wehadthis epicbattle,
Schultzrecalls. Wepassedeachother
backandforththreetimes, andI ended
uptakingsecondright behindhim.
Hedescribes theloss as bittersweet.
Schultzloves towin, but recentlyhes
takensolaceinGomezs progression.
I was denitelybummed, hesaid.
But ontheother side, it was excitingto
seethis kidwinit was his rst adaptive
event usingmyequipment.
DOUG HENRY,
ADAPTIVE SNOWCROSS
Pro motocross
rider who broke
his back twice;
semi-paralysed
from the waist
down. Took silver
in this years
Winter X Games
adaptive snowcross
final, behind
Schultz.
CHRIS HEPPDING,
ADAPTIVE SNOWCROSS
Heppding was
struck by a car in
1978, aged seven;
paralysing his
upper right side.
Started racing
in able-bodied
snowcross in 2002
(prior to adaptive
events) and
continues to be
a race challenger.
MAX GOMEZ,
ADAPTIVE MOTOCROSS
Represents the
future of extreme
adaptive events;
Schultzs biggest
threat. Races
wearing BioDapts
Versa Foot.
EVAN STRONG,
ADAPTIVE SNOWBOARD
CROSS
Lost his left leg
below the knee in
a car accident
in 2004, aged 17.
Current para-
snowboard cross
world champion;
set to lead 2014s
US Paralympic
snowboard team.
PAUL THACKER,
ADAPTIVE SNOWCROSS
Held the world
distance record
on a snowmobile
(leaping 301ft);
paraplegic since
a 2010 accident,
now an adaptive
snowcross rider.
THERIDESTUFF: FIVEMORE
WORLD-CLASSADAPTIVEATHLETES
Mike Schultz
catching air in
the Winter X
Games in Aspen,
2013. He went
on to take gold
I COULD HEAR THE
BLOOD GUSH OUT,
LIKE SOMEBODY
DUMPED A GALLON
OF WATER. IT JUST
WENT WHOOSH
14
/15
Always pack a
Swiss penknife
and a bottle
of scotch
Q&A
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
Afternoon, Colonel. Areyouwell?
Yes, indeed. Jumpingaroundasusual.
Howdidyoubecomeanexplorer?
Simple, I wasaRoyal Engineer. The
armyencouragedonetogooandmake
mapsandndwaysacrossmountains,
swamps, junglesanddeserts. I wasalso
theAdventurousTrainingOcer at
Sandhurst. Myjobwastosendcadets
overseas, asthethen-commandant
said, tothebenet of their character
andat theleast possibledetriment to
theEmpire. Theydcomebackhaving
collectedall sortsof rarecreepy-crawlies,
andsotheNatural HistoryMuseum
got involved. Andthisledtothefounding
of theScienticExplorationSociety.
Whatwasthemostdangerous
expeditionyouvebeenapartof?
TotheBlueNile. It wassaidtobethe
last unexploredsectionof Africa. But
nooneknewhowtoget downit. So
wepioneeredtheuseof inatable
boats. Weborrowedtheseoldyachting
tenders, lledthemupwithfootball
bladderstomakesuretheydidnt
sink, andthat moreor lesscreatedthe
white-water raftingindustry. But that
waswherewehadtoght our wayout.
Youcanhave great scaresfromanimals,
but whenitshumansthat areafter you
itsrather morefrightening.
Whodidyouendupghting?Bandits.
Taxdodgers; theydidnt want topay
incometax. I hadsomesympathy
withthem. Theywerereallyanti-Haile
Selassie. Becausewewereyingthe
coloursof theEmperor whichwehad
toontheboat, theytookusprisoner
foratimeandhopedtheycouldswap
usfor permissionnot topayincometax.
Howlongwereyouprisoners?Three
days. Onemorning, our captorswerea
bit slowgettingout of bed, andour boats
werestill tiedalongside. Wepretendedto
begoingabout our businessinanormal
way, andthen, quickasaash, weleapt
intoour boats, cast oandwent likehell.
Andwhatwasyourmostdicult
expedition?Thecrossingof theDarin
GapbetweenPanamaandColombia.
Its250milesof swamp, junglesand
mountain. TheRangeRover hadjust
beenproducedandtheywereterribly
keenthat wetooksomeonameaningful
expedition. Sowedrovethem17,000
milesfromAlaskatoTierradel Fuego.
But whenwegot totheDarinGap, we
hadendlessproblemsthebackaxles
begantoexplode. It wasnt easy. It was
afeat of blood, gutsandengineering.
AndtherewerebanditsintheDarin
Gapaswell?Not onlybanditsbut also
Farcterrorists. Theyambushedusand
killedabout sixColombiansoldiers.
AColombianNavyboat wasalsoturned
over, andmost of themweredrowned. So
therewasacertaincost totheexpedition.
Luckilyall theBritsgot through.
AndwhatcameaftertheGap?Thebig
expeditionafter that wastheCongo.
Thiswastotackleonchocerciasis, or
river blindnessadiseasethat aected
around20millionpeople. Wehada
multi-national teamof 11eyespecialists.
Wetravelleddowntheriver oninatable
boats, andlater onwepioneeredjet
craft. President Mobutuhelpedus,
anditsgoodthat hedidthepeople
werefairlyhostileinplaces, but wed
sayMobutuandtheydbowandstop
shootingat you.
Youwereshotat?Oh, occasionally.
Nothingtooserious. Wedidnt reback.
Wedput ondisplaystofrighten
[attackers]. Weusedtoyaircraft down
theriver anddropbricksout of it. Wehad
engineershiddeninthebusheswho
wouldset osticksof dynamitetogive
theimpressionthat theaircraft could
dropbombs. Bit of theatrical action.
Whereareyouotonext?Peruan
areacalledtheYanachaga, awildlife
reserveknownfor thespectacledbear,
theonlybear inSouthAmerica. The
problemistheycomeout of theforests
andraidthelocal peoplescrops,
sotheyshoot them. Weretryingto
persuadethepeoplenot tokill thebears.
Andyoureamemberof theCentre
forForteanZoology?Yes, ImLife
President. Imalwaysfascinatedby
mysteries. For instance, noonesever
reallygot tothebottomof theLoch
Nessmonster. I tookpart inseveral
expeditionsthere. WehadaGoodyear
airshipit hadadvancedsonar
detection, underwater gear andsoon.
Andwegot sightingsthat couldnt be
explained; large, animateobjectsmoving
aroundintheloch. Onelot I remember,
wewereright over it, andit camewithin
14ft of thesurface.
Isthereanywhereintheworldyouve
yettovisit?Ivealwaysbeenrather
fascinatedbygoingtoEasternRussia.
AndIvebeentoalmost all of South
Americaexcept thetwolittleGuianas
at thetoptheDutchone[Suriname]
andtheFrenchone. Ivebeenalot in
theBritishone[nowGuyana]. Wetook
agrandpianoout for atribeonce.
Pardon?Atribedeepintherainforest
wasverymusical, andtheir onedesire
inlifewastohaveapiano. Sowetook
agrandpianoout. Hell of abloodything
tomove, it wasabout 800lbs.
Whatdoyoualwaystakewithyouon
anyexpedition?ASwisspenknifeanda
bottleof scotch! Andagoodpair of boots.
Anyadviceforpeoplethinkingof
exploring?Yes. Gonow. Certainly
foryounger people. Andwhileyoure
there, trytodosomethingtomake
theworldaslightlybetter place.
Soldier and adventurer Colonel
John Blashford-Snell OBE is one
of the worlds most respected
explorers. His expeditions include
the first descent of the Blue
Nile, the crossing of the Darin
Gap and a complete navigation of
the Congo River. Next year, hes
off to Peru. He is 77
MAVERICK EXPLORER
Q&A
COLONEL JOHN
BLASHFORD-SNELL
CATS OUT OF THE
BAG: Blashford-
Snell befriends a
jungle inhabitant
on one of his
early expeditions
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A
fewyears ago, JustinHostynekwas
workingonalminNorwaywhenhe
hadanideafor capturingtheperfect
shot of asnowboarder inaction. As
thefounder andcreativeforcebehind
AbsintheFilms, oneof theplanets most successful
snowboardlm-makingcompanies, Hostynekhad
organisedatriptoHemsedal intheScandinavian
Alps toshoot footageof professional riders hurling
themselves 25mthroughtheair oanenormous
jumpcustom-built for them. I knewif I could
capturetheriders withawide-anglelens doing
thesehugetricks that wedget somethingreally
compellingonlm, Hostyneksays. Wejoked
weneededajet packtodoit.
Incaseyoucouldnt guess, makinga
snowboardingmovieis nothingliketurningout
aHollywoodactionlm, wherecameraangles
andstunts arecalculatedonacontrolledset.
Budgets for snowporn icks areminusculeby
comparison, tooaround350,000for themost
establishedcompanies likeAbsinthesoHostynek
hadnoexpenses for luxuries likescaoldingor a
cranecamera, neither of whichwouldreallywork
insuchanextremesettinganyway. Fortunately,
Mads Jonsson, aNorwegianprofessional
snowboarder, was therefor theshoot, alongwith
hisverywealthyuncle, asnackfoodmogul, who
happenedtohavebrought alonghishelicopter.
Filmingfromhelicopters is standardfarein
thisgravity-fuelledgenre, but Hostynekwasnt
interestedinthesweepingaerials andscene-setting
takes themachines normallyaord. Hewanted
toget closetohis riders, reallyclose. Of course, the
helicopters limb-whackingblades andviolent
downdrafts wouldnt makethat easy. Ashort while
later, though, Hostynekhaddevisedawaytouse
themachinetolmtheathletes fromjust feet away
as theyspunandtwisted, sometimes upsidedown
inmid-ight: hewouldattachropes totheskids and
dangle12mbelowthechopper as it racedalongside
theriders. Hewouldhavenowayof communicating
withthepilot, whohadnever donethis sort of
stunt yingbefore. Nomatter. I said, Strapin!
Weregoingtoget this shot! recalls Hostynek.
Helmedthis wayfor twohours as the
snowboarders performedtheir jumps; after each
one, snowmobiles tookthembackuptostart again.
It was oneof themost uncomfortable, but daring,
things heddonefor alm.
Thesequence, whicheventuallyappearedin
Vivid, a45-minutelmreleasedin2002, is at once
stunningandstomach-churning. The16mm
footageis sointimateit makes youfeel likeyoure
oatingwiththepros, oneof whom, actuallyies
aboveHostynekandhis self-styleddanglecam.
It workedout perfectly, Hostyneksays. We
got soclose, likewithin8ft, that I couldevenusea
Victor de Le Rue
performing a
switch frontside
540 in Alaska
JUSTIN SHOT:
Justin Hostynek
(on the ladder)
photographs Lucas
DeBari pulling a
backside rodeo
540 on Mt Baker,
Washington
SNOWBOARDING
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
>
sheye. As ajoke, Absinthethankedanimaginary
jet packcompanyinthecredits for helpwith
capturingthefootage.
WhileAbsinthes newest lm, Dopamine, has
just endeda21-cityEuropeantour (youmaysoon
ndit oniTunes), theart of snowboardlm-making
continues toevolve. Tricks that seemedhugein
2002, likespinningthreetimes intheair, arenow
almost oldschool, becausetodays athletes can
dothat manyrotations whilebeingcorked,
or slightlyo-axis, withdoublebackips thrown
infor goodmeasure. Theyridebigger, steeper
linesfaster, thanks partlytobetter equipment.
Andquantumleaps indigital lmographyhave
producedcameras sosophisticatedtheycan
capturedetail four times greater thanastandard
HDTVcandisplay. (New4KUltraHD monitors
that canrender thoseimages areontheway, see
page89of this months Esquire). Yet oneaspect
of thecraft remains as steadyas ever: tomakea
great movie, it helps tohaveagreat adventure.
Alot of themovies wemakeareas muchabout
thejourneyas theyareabout snowboarding,
saysToddJones, whoalongwithfour friends in
1995 usedmoneyfromcommercial shingjobs
inAlaskatolaunchTetonGravityResearch, alm
companythat has nowproduced28award-winning
action-sports feature-lengthmovies. Whenyougo
intoanewarea, youhaveall of theseunknowns that
I KNEWIF I COULD
CAPTURE THESE HUGE
TRICKS THAT WED GET
SOMETHING REALLY
COMPELLING ON FILM,
HOSTYNEK SAYS.
WE JOKED WE NEEDED
A JET PACK TO DO IT
youhavetogureout soarider candothese
spectacular lines, andwhenit works, its incredibly
rewarding, Jones says.
TGR, as theWyoming-basedcompany
isknown, will soonbewrappingupasix-year,
three-movieproject that has followedJones
brother, professional snowboarder JeremyJones,
onhis quest tondsomeof theplanets most
impressivesnowboardingterrain. His trilogy
Deeper, Further andHigher has takenthecrewto
places likeHokkaido, Japan, whereJanuarystorms
canbringsomuchsnowthat locals must leapfrom
their upstairs balconies toescapeburiedhomes.
Another adventurewas set inSvalbard, Norway,
whereJones climbedmountains andripped
midnight runs under Arcticpinkskies. InOctober,
TGRwas inNepal tolmscenes for Higher, dueout
next year. There, JeremyJones hopedtosnowboard
anunnamed22,000ft peaknear AmaDablamthat
has never beenriddenbefore.
Filminginsuchafar-unglocationrequires
months of planningandtremendous physical
eort for what will amount toverylittlefootage
of actual riding. Its ave-dayhiketothebaseof
theunnamedpeakinNepal fromLuklas Tenzing-
HillaryAirport, aterrifyinglickof bitumenwhere
planes must landuphill ona12per cent gradient
that ends inacli. Theteamthenschlepped
STRAP IN! WERE
GOING TO GET THIS
SHOT: Justin
Hostynek and his
dangle cam
US champion
snowboarder Kevin
Pearce, right and
bottom, took a
near-fatal fall
ahead of the 2010
Winter Olympics.
His life is
explored in new
documentary The
Crash Reel
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Jibbing, a short-but-
intense style of riding,
blurred the lines between
snowboarding and skating
in the early Nineties. In
1999, pro-rider JP Walker
rekindled the jibbing scene
in Mack Dawgs Technical
Difficulties, a film that
featured him riding along
cables and down banisters.
SNOWBOARDING
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
20
BECOOL: FIVELANDMARKSINSNOWSPORTSFILM-MAKING
hundreds of pounds of delicategear, including
cameras, harddrives, back-upharddrives, battery
packs, solar chargers, laptops andtripods, not to
mentionsurvival gear liketents, sleepingbags, ice
axes, ropes, foodandfuel, over rockytrails wending
throughthehigh, lung-burstingair.
Andthat was just thebeginning. Thereareno
chairlifts, of course, soonecameramanwouldclimb
themountainwithJeremyJones, whileothers would
wakeat 4amtoscaleopposingpeaks riddledwith
glaciers, avalanche-proneslopes andfall-you-die
ridges toget shots lookingbackat thesnowboarding
scenes whichcouldonlylast for 10seconds atime.
Meanwhile, ahelicopter-basedlmcrewstationed
100miles awayhadtobecoordinatedtolmtheaction
withTGRs remote-controlledGSSC520, anultraHD
camerawithstabilisinggyroscopes attachedtothe
outsideof thehelicopter. Thecrewewsohighthey
neededoxygenmasks.
I dont thinkpeoplerealisetheamount of timewe
spendwaitingfor thedaytoberight, withthesunout
andwithhigh-qualitysnowthats safetoride, Todd
Jones says. If youtakeall of thesnowboardingscenes
fromNepal andput themtogether, well probablyhave
four minutes worth.
Themakers of oneof theyears moreremarkable
movies waitedfor years tolearnhowtheir lmwould
end. TheCrashReel, bytwo-timeAcademyAward
nomineeLucyWalker, replaces thehigh-adventure
trick-trick-trickformulaof thesnowboardmodel
withtheheartbreakingtaleof KevinPearce, a
charmingAmericanOlympicsnowboardinghopeful
whostruggles tolet goof thesport after it nearlykills
him. Pearcewas attemptingaseries of o-axis ips
inaUtahhalf-pipeinlate2009whenheslammedface
rst intotheice.
Most injuries last acoupleof months but mybrain
injuryis nowalmost four years oldandImstill dealing
withit, Pearcesays. I havedoublevision. I cant
remember things. Its prettyhardtoremainmotivated
this longafter aninjurybut Ivecometoterms withit.
That isnt thecasefor muchof thelmas Pearce
tries toconvincehis familyhecansnowboardagain,
eventhoughaslight bangontheheadcouldleavehim
severelyimpaired. What emerges isnt almabout
snowboardingsomuchas anintimatelookat therisks
proriders arewillingtotakeandthecomplexities of
humanperseverance.
At rst I thought this was asadtwo-act story:
Olympichopeful crashes, says Walker, whoseother
titles includeCountdowntoZeroandWasteLand. But
thenI realisedKevins storywasnt over yet. Herewas
ayoungmanwhowas goingtohavetodigreallydeep
toreinvent himself. All hewantedtodowas get back
onaboardbut doctors believedhedkill himself if he
did. Youhavethis incrediblyintense, dramaticstory.
Pearcehas madetremendous progress since
lming. Hedoes snowboardthesedays, but hekeeps
it mellow andcruises aroundontheslopes just for
himself. Hes grateful tobeabletodothat againyet
healsoknows hes missingout.
Whenyoureout therereallypushingit, working
hard, feelingstrong, landinggreat tricks, its this
unexplainablefeeling, hesays. Its afeelingof total
freedomandexhilaration. I havent beenabletoget
that again.
TheCrashReel DVDisouton11November
DER WEISSE RAUSCH
(THE WHITE ECSTASY)
Arnold Fanck is often
credited as the father of
the ski movie thanks to the
decades he spent filming in
the Alps. The White Ecstasy
helped bring the thrills
of downhill skiing to a wide
audience at a time when
cross-country skiing was
far more popular.
THE BLIZZARD
OF AAHHHS
Director Greg Stumpy Stump
introduced the world to
extreme skiing, catapulting
skiers Scot Schmidt, Glen
Plake and Mike Hattrup into
legendary status. Features
some of the earliest footage
from a helmet cam then a
heavy, shoebox-size device
strapped to your head.
TB5
In Standard Films 1995
fifth installment in the
Totally Bored series, Swede
Johan Olofsson shows his
fellow riders that tricks
typically performed in
half-pipes could be done off
an Alaskan cliff, too. By
the end of the movie, you see
him snowboard 3,000ft down
a 50 face in 35 seconds.
POP
Absinthe Films Pop marked
a turning point in the
amount of air that riders
were willing to catch to
do ever-bigger tricks. The
film included riders Romain
de Marchi and Travis Rice
each hurling themselves
over Utahs infamous Chads
Gap, a 130ft chasm a first
in a professional film.
1931
1988
1995
1999
2005
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FOR 20 YEARS, IT WAS
THE MOST DANGEROUS
OFF-ROAD CHALLENGE: A
1,000-MILE RACE THROUGH
INHOSPITABLE CORNERS OF
EARTH. NOW, IS THE CAMEL
TROPHY SET TO RETURN?
By Jonathan Thompson
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T
heycalledit the4x4
Olympics, aworld-class
test of manandmachine
throughsomeof themost
inhospitableconditions
onEarth. TheCamel Trophyis thestu
of motoringlegend, anevent as brutal
for thepeopletakingpart as for the
vehicles involved. Between1980and
2000, it pluckedamateur participants
fromupto20countries out of their
regular professions andintosomeof the
worst drivingconditions imaginable.
Fromtraversingthesweltering
jungles of BorneotoretracingDr
Livingstones footsteps tothesource
of theNile, handpickedpairs of drivers
battledit out over courses of 1,000miles
andsometimes longer. Enroute, inthe
hopeof gettingtheir hands onthe
winners trophy, theydbeconfronted
withspecial tasks, whichrangedfrom
timeddrivingchallenges toemergency
bridgeconstruction.
For 18of those20years, LandRovers
wereat theveryheart of thecompetition,
theruggedvehicles as muchthestars
astheir drivers as together theytackled
volcanicmountainranges, treacherous
rivers, desert andbog. For upto
threeweeks, contestants hadtopush
themselves andtheir transportation
intests of athletic, engineeringand
drivingprowess.
Today, o-roadauto-enthusiasts
remember theCamel Trophywithmisty
eyes. It was atimebeforeGoogleMaps,
whenactionmenworebeige, grewBurt
Reynolds moustaches andchain-smoked
cigarettes. Throwincrocodile-infested
waters, life-threateningsnakebites,
armedguerillas andeventhemass
helicopter evacuationof entireconvoys,
andyouhaveoneof themost alphamale
challenges ever conceived. At its height,
onemillionhopefuls appliedfor the
40slots intheevent. Thegoodnews for
thoseautomotiveacolytes andanew
generationof adventuresports zealots
toboot is that LandRover is now
lookingtobringbacktheCamel Trophy.
Weoftentalkabout our vehicles
beingabusableandthis was theultimate
formof abuse, JohnEdwards of Land
Rover says. TheCamel Trophyhas a
mythical auraabout it and, yes, were
askingthequestion: howcouldwebring
TAKE ME TO THE
RIVER: Previous
page, one of
the 19 Land
Rover Discoverys
in the 1990
event fords a
fast-flowing
Siberian river
Above: A
Japanese-crewed
Discovery inches
onto a makeshift
bridge over
a deep gully
WE OFTEN TALK
ABOUT OUR
VEHICLES BEING
ABUSABLE AND
THIS WAS THE
ULTIMATE FORM
OF ABUSE
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Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
pinpricks inhis heel. Hethought hed
troddenonsomethinginthenight when
hedgot uptoanswer thecall of nature.
Whenheshedout thetrainers hed
beenwearing, thereweretwoenormous
holes inoneof them, andrattlesnake
venomstill drippingout. Hehadan
extremelyluckyescape.
Another year, anItaliandriver
wasalmost decapitatedinBorneowhen
anenormous branchskeweredhis
windscreenonthepassenger side, Irani
says. It wouldhavetakenhis headclean
oif hedhadaright-hand-drivevehicle
liketheBritishteam.
Despitethesehorror stories, Irani
isrmlybehindplans tobringbackthe
Camel Trophy, particularlyif its goals
includemakingpractical contributions
todevelopingcountries.
Theevent always aimedtoleave
apositivelegacybehindbridges,
roads, scienticresearchstations and
soon, hesays. Thespecial tasks were
oftengearedtowards helpinglocal
communities, andthat shouldbeat
theheart of anyfutureevents, too. We
shouldbelookingtoincludefarmers,
doctors, electricians andteachers in
theteams, andhavespecial tasks like
diggingwells, puttinginsolar panels
andreplacingroofs onthelocal schools.
Wevebeenthinkingabout locations like
India, Myanmar andLaos. Or possibly
BoliviaandParaguay. The35th
anniversaryof theCamel Trophyis in
2015, andthats anexcellent opportunity
torevisit it.
Sincepartingways withCamel
in1999, LandRover has attempted
somethingsimilar: theG4Challenge
in2003 and2006. Theill-fatedo-road
this back? Weknowour products are
capableandthepotential for anevent
likethis inaworldwithFacebookand
Twitter is massive.
Most, however, wouldstruggle
tosumuptheCamel Trophyin140
characters. IainChapman, theTrophys
event director for adecadeandthus
possiblythebest-placedmantodoso,
takes considerablymore.
Neither aracenor arally, it was
rst andforemost anadventurous
expedition, Chapmansays. It included
anelement of competitionwhere
participatingteams couldtest their
4x4drivingandmechanical skills,
endurance, courage, stamina,
perseveranceandresilienceagainst
theworst that naturecouldoer. But the
mainemphasis was moretowardtesting
humanenduranceandadaptability,
thanpurecompetition.
That humanendurancewas pushed
tothelimit everyyear, as MikeIrani, the
events long-servingteamdoctor, recalls.
It wasnt apleasant physical
experiencefor anybody. It involved
prettymuchconstant sleepdeprivation,
dehydration, heat exhaustionandbiting
insects andthat was onagoodday.
Acut, astingor ablister might benext
tonothingincivilianlife, but when
youreinthemiddleof theAtacama
Desert [Chile] or thejungles of Borneo,
its anentirelydierent scenario.
Thingscangorottenveryquickly.
Wewent throughsomeappalling
mosquito-riddenareas over theyears,
hecontinues. Oneyear, bothRussian
drivers contractedmalaria, oneof
themsobadlythat heslippedinto
acomaandhadtobeevacuated.
Irani is full of gruesometales from
10years spent ontheCamel Trophy
ararepositionof insight, as competitors
themselves wereonlyallowedtotake
part once. For somereason, it was often
theItalians that got intotrouble, Irani
says. Theyears wewereinBrazil,
GuyanaandTanzania, it was basically
snakeparadise. Onemorning, anItalian
teammember cametomewithtwo
Crossing terrain
devoid of access
was an integral
part of the Camel
Trophy challenge
SMOKING THE
OPPOSITION:
Hauling Land
Rovers by hand
across rapids
in Belize, 1995
Below: The 1996
Camel Trophy
convoy nose-to-
tail in Borneo
Centre: Vehicles
are battered on
a treacherous
logging track in
a tropical jungle
Camels French
and Turkish
teams rebuild
a collapsed road
using aluminium
tracking
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drivingandmulti-sport adventure
wascancelledafter thesecondevent,
miredinorganisational complexity
andescalatingcosts duringthe
economicdownturn. Bycontrast, the
Camel Trophys secret, says Edwards,
layinitsdirectness.
TheCamel Trophyhadsimplicity
andpurity, hesays. Ultimately, it was
about gettingfromAtoBthrough
incrediblydicult terrain.
That simpleformulabeganin1980,
whenthreeGermanteams droveJeeps
alongBrazils 4,000kmTransamazonica
Highway, intherst Camel Trophy.
Intendedtobeaone-opromotional
event, thechallengebecameamajor
marketingsuccess. Thefollowingyear,
it returnedinSumatrawithLandRover
providingthevehicles. Theevent
gatheredmomentumthroughout the
Eighties, witharguablythetoughest
Trophyof themall contestedin1989, in
theAmazonbasin. It was theonlytime
thewinners wereBritish, brothers Bob
andJoeIves, farmers fromHampshire.
I remember wewerecompletely
red, absolutelycoveredinredmud, says
Joe, now51. Everytimewesawariver,
wejumpedintoit towashourselves o,
then10minutes later wewereredfrom
toptotoeagain.
Whenweweredriving, thewater
was sometimes dashboard-high. We
basicallyhadtostoreeverything
clothes, food, equipment ontheroof
rack. At night, weslept upthere, too,
under atarpaulin, or inahammock
slungover thesideof thecar. Theneach
morning, wedhavetoshakeour boots
out for spiders andsnakes.
Oneof thebest things about the
Trophy, Ives remembers, was the
camaraderiebetweenteams. Sure,
therewas acompetitiveelement at the
beginningandtheveryend, particularly
duringthespecial tasks, hesays. But
inthemiddleof theevent, it was very
muchabout all of thenations clubbing
together. Theroads wereendless, deep
mudandyouhadtomoveforward
together, usingyour winches, or nobody
wouldhavemadeit.
Thewinches werent theonly
specialist kit addedtotheiconic
sandglow-paintedTrophyLand
Rovers. Heavy-dutyroll cages were
installed, alsoanchoringthemassive,
spotlight-cladroof racks. Meanwhile,
aluminiumbashplates shielded
undersides fromsubmergedrocks
andtreestumps, whichmight otherwise
destroythevehicles mechanical
innards. Toss inarangeof tools from
groundanchors tochainsaws, andthe
eet whichutilisedtheentirerange
of LandRover models producedover
18years was safari-ready. Bythenal
Trophy, thecars werecarryingskis,
mountainbikes andkayaks, too.
Roger Crathorne, LandRovers
technical communications manager
andanemployeeof thecompanyfor 50
years, is another whobelieves its time
for theCamel Trophytoberesurrected.
Its averycareful, longplanning
process, hesays. This has tobe
brought backintheright way, wecant
just gohackingthroughjungles, it has
tobeecologicallyandenvironmentally
sound. Inmyopinion, thewaytodo
thiswouldbetotarget anareathats
sueringandactivelytrytousethe
event, particularlyits practical tasks,
tomakeapositivedierence.
SomewherelikeHaiti wouldbeideal.
For JoeIves, whostill drives his
event-winningLandRover onthefamily
farm, nothinginthecontemporary
sphereof adventuresports has come
closetotheCamel Trophy.
Intodays world, its verydicult
tondsomethingthat is genuinely
adventurous anddangerous, hesays.
TheCamel Trophywas bothof those
things: thetoughest o-roadchallenge
theres ever been. It was theroadto
hell, theorganisers always chosethe
worst possibleplaceintheworldat
theworst possibletime.
Somehow, hegrins, youjust had
toget totheendof it.
CONSTANT SLEEP
DEPRIVATION, DEHYDRATION,
HEAT EXHAUSTION AND
BITING INSECTS AND THAT
WAS ON A GOOD DAY
FLOAT YOUR BOAT: Camel
Trophy teams carried
and assembled rafts to
cross the countless
rivers on the routes
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Q&A
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
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Whatconstitutesultrarunning?
Therst ocial ultracategoryis50km.
After that, its100kmandthenthe24-
and48-hour races, whicharejudgedon
howmuchdistanceyoucancover over
that time. Itsgrowingfast, Idsayits
wheretriathlonwasabout 15yearsago.
Amarathonusedtobetheultimate
challengebut peoplearerealisingthat
youcangothat bit further.
Duringarun, doyoueverthink: this
isabitboring?No! Yourenavigating
constantlyandthereareplentyof things
tothinkabout: theenvironment around
you, thewildlife, theweather. I love
coveringlongdistancesunder myown
steam: it opensupamazinglandscapes
that veryfewothersget toenjoy.
Whatsthefurthestyouveevergone
inonego?TheGrandUnionCanal,
BirminghamtoLondon: its145miles.
Doyouhavearunningplaylist?Yes,
everythingfromclassichousePaul van
Dykstill getsmegoingtoTheKillers.
Whatsinyourrunningbackpack?
Snacks, water, myiPhone, GPS, amap,
waterproofs, beanie, Buandgloves.
Youranthelengthof NewZealandin
53days. Howmanymilesdidyoucover
eachday?Onaverageabout 40. But I did
somesuper-longdays. Whentheterrain
wasnasty, I wasdownto15milesor so.
Wereyourunningalone?Myfather-in-
lawdrovethesupport vanandranthe
odd10kmwithme, but 98per cent of
it wassolo. Thereweresectionsof upto
200kmacrossthe[national] parkswhere
therewerenoroadsandI hadtorun
withasleepingbagandtent. ThenI was
completelyalone. Someof NewZealand
isseriouslyremote: if youget intotrouble
there, theonlywayout isbyhelicopter.
Wasinjuryamajorconcerninsuch
aninhospitableenvironment?I was
carryinganemergencyGPS. If the
shit hitsthefan, youhit abigredbutton
andtheycomeandpickyouup.
Werethereanymomentswhenyou
fearedforyourlife?Onlyone. The
biggest danger wasrivers: theycriss-
crossthetrailsinNewZealandand
riseveryquicklywhenit rains. Inoneof
thenational parks, I triedtowadeacross
ariver I shouldnt have, andgot swept
away. I wasbeingtossed, completely
out of control, withahugebackpackon.
I wasterriedit wouldget snaggedand
myheadwouldbepulledunder. That
wasdenitelythescariest moment of
thetrip.
Doyouevergetlost?I quiteoftenlose
trailsinNewZealand, it happened
afewtimes. Alot of theforestsarereally
denseandlookexactlythesamefor
miles. If yourerunningthroughthat
all day, youcanbecomedisoriented.
Whatdoyoudislikeaboutrunning?
Theamount of washinginvolved!
MywifeandI bothrunandthe
washingmachineisgoingconstantly.
Wheresthemostbeautiful placeyouve
run?TheScottishHighlandsarevery,
veryspecial. Youget aproper senseof
wildernessupthere: nosignof human
habitationat all. Just stunningscenery.
Itstheultimateescapism.
Howmanypairsof trainersdoyouget
throughayear?About apair amonth.
But sometimesyouget reallyattached
tothemanddont want tochuck
themout if youvewornthemin
araceyouvewon. Therearetrainers
everywhereat home. Wehavetodo
anannual clear-out.
Whatarethemostcommonmistakes
madebyinexperiencedrunners?Too
manypeopledont havetheir running
gait analysed. Itssoimportant toget
footwear that suitsyour runningstyle,
andsoeasytodosoinsportsshops.
Whenyouseepeoplejoggingintotally
unsupportedfootwear, youcringe
abit: theyreaskingfor injury. People
get set intheir wayswhenit comes
toroutes, too; thentheywonder why
theyloseinterest.
Whatsthesinglebestfuel forrunning?
Bananas. If itsreallyhot, water melon.
Andpeanut butter andjamwraps. You
needtohaveproper food, too: youcant
run100milesonjust sugar or gels.
Istherunnershighmoreintenseafter
anultramarathon?Yes. Theendorphins
get goingandit completelyclearsyour
head. After alongraceyouget abighigh
for adayor twobeforerealitykicksin.
Istherealimittothedistancethe
humanbodycanrun?Themindcan
carryyoualongwaybut obviouslyat
somepoint youll start tobreakdown
physically, evenwiththeright snacks
andaidstations. It comesdowntoeach
individual astowhat point that starts
happening. For me, itsnot about how
faryoucango: Imkindof obsessedby
howquicklyI canrun100miles. Ivegot
it downtounder 16hours.
Howdoyoukeepgoing?Yougothrough
cyclesof highsandlowsonanyrun, be
it 10kmor anultramarathon. Youll have
20minutesor soof feelingcrap, but
youvejust got toremember youregoing
tocomeout ontheother sideandhave
agoodspell again. Youlearntodistract
yourself fromhowyour bodysfeeling
byenjoyingtheenvironment. Alot
of ultrarunnerstalkabout theow
that rhythmwhereyoujust switcho
andlet themilestickby. Youvejust got
tondthat elusivegear. Andwhenyoure
runningo-roaditseasier todothat,
becauseitsmoreof ajourney.
Whosthegreatestrunnerever?
MoFarah. Itshisabilitytobethebest at
somanydierent disciplines. Togofrom
10kmto5kmto1,500metresandexcel at
themall isjust incredible. Andnowhes
goingtohaveacrackat themarathon,
too! I honestlycant thinkof anybodyelse
that cansurpasshisincredibleversatility
at theverytoplevel.
JezBraggisamemberoftheNorthFace
Global AthleteTeam. ReadabouthisNZ
runatthenorthfacejournal.com
As the UKs leading ultra runner,
Dorset-raised Bragg has achieved
some remarkable firsts. In 2010, he
won the Ultra-Trail du Mont-Blanc,
an unforgiving 166km race across
France, Italy and Switzerland. Last
year, he set a record when he ran
the length of New Zealand in 53 days
EXTREME RUNNER
Q&A
JEZ BRAGG
AM I NEARLY
THERE YET?: Bragg
during his 1,898-
mile north-to-
south run through
New Zealand
Testing endurance
in the depths of
the Nevados de
Chilln, a group
of volcanoes
located in the
Andes of the
Bo Bo Region
ACTION TIME
When the RAF ski team visited the frozen mountains of Chile to train, they
also had a chance to put the new Casio G-Shock GW-A1100 through its paces
A
s sponsors of the RAF ski team,
G-Shock, the premiumwatch brand
fromCasio, followed the RAF to
Chile and the extreme and hostile
conditions of Nevados de Chilln
earlier this year. This group of
volcanoes is located in the Andes
of the Bo Bo Region, where the
snowand ice of the Chilean winter offers the
perfect training conditions for the team. There is
exemplary safety assistanceonhandfor this very
high-risk, skilled, specialist work and the slopes
were closed for their exclusive use.
Ski racing might seeman unusual activity for
the RAF, but it develops all the qualities we look
for in our people, Squadron Leader Bruno Wood
says. Qualities such as leadership, teamwork,
mental strength, physical courage, dedication
and determination.
It is also the perfect environment to put Casios
G-Shock Aviator watches to the test. These are
watches that are engineered for toughness, and
can endure as much as those that wear them.
For a pilot, a watch isnt just an accessory, its
an essential daily tool, says Nathan Jones, one of
the pilots who undertook the most recent trip to
Chile. First among these requirements is a watch
thats totally accurate. The ability to change to
different time zones quickly and easily when flying
all over the world is also a must. Here, the latest
launch in the range, the G-Shock GW-A1100,
delivers in spades. Other features include
multi-band atomic timekeeping, an instant
compass function to navigate through air, sea or
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
Dont let the
snowcaps fool you
the Nevados de
Chilln volcanoes
are among the
most volatile
in the region
ESQUI RE PROMOTI ON
When backcountry
skiing in Chiles
formidable Andes,
a compass is a
minimum
requirement.
Accuracy and
shock and water
resistance are
also pivotal
city , shock and water resistance to 200mand a
super-tough movement with the hands correcting
themselves as needed. This is one tough watch
that you knowis built to withstand extreme
conditions where better to test that than in
the Andes with the RAF ski team?
A specialist production teamtravelled with
G-Shock on the trip to Chile to capture the results.
Working in frozen conditions to make a new
commercial for Casio G-Shock Aviator, their
hard-won efforts to record the high-speed action
of a ski teamat the top of its game made for a truly
epic shoot the results of which you will be able
to see in cinemas this month.
To put their dedication into context, the RAF ski
teamtrain nearly every day of the year to maintain
their strength, endurance and agility. Skiing down
active volcanoes at speeds of 70mph, while turning
though gates and hitting jumps that send you 50
metres into the air should not be undertaken by
a novice, notes Squadron Leader Wood.
That said, the RAF is always on the look-out for
newrecruits and its attitude that really counts, as
Wood reveals. With the right training, dedication
and determination the right stuff it is possible
for anybody to make it into the team, he says.
The result is an RAF unit so precise you can set a
watch by it and a watch that is up to the task.
But where the ski teamruns fast, the G-Shock
Aviator always tells the correct time.
Look out for Project Chile in cinemas from
8 November; go online to find out more at
esquire.co.uk/casioor visit g.shock.co.uk/aviator
SKIING DOWN ACTIVE VOLCANOES AT
70MPH AND HITTING JUMPS THAT SEND
YOU 50M UP IS NOT FOR A NOVICE
Casios G-Shock
Premium GW-A1100
is the ultimate
aviator design.
The face is made
of sapphire
mineral glass for
scratch proof
anti-glare
MEGATRANSECT
THE AMAZON BASIN,
SOUTH AMERICA
Follow the likes of
adventurer Percy Fawcett
and trek the 4,000-plus
miles of danger-ridden
jungle, stopping only for
tea in the Lost City of Z.
DIVE THE BLUE
HOLES, BAHAMAS
Make it past the layer of
toxic gas and youre into
an intricate labyrinth of
stunning underwater caves,
but take a wrong turn and
it could be your last.
KAYAK OVER A
WATERFALL IN
WASHINGTON, US
American kayaker
Tyler Bradt made a
name for himself
plunging a record 57m
down Palouse Falls.
FREECLIMB EL CAPITAN
IN YOSEMITE NATIONAL
PARK, CALIFORNIA, US
The infamous 900m granite
monolith was once thought
to be impossible to climb
(last year, Alex Honnold
and Hans Florine made it
in 2:23:46). nps.gov
GO VOLCANO BOARDING IN
CERRO NEGRO, NICARAGUA
Board-ride on black sand down the
length of this 640m active volcano
in the Cordillera Los Maribios
mountain range.
GO ZAPCAT
POWERBOATING, UK
Take a twin-hulled, high-
speed powerboat to the limit,
pulling up to 3G in turns
and leaping 2m in the air.
virginexperiencedays.co.uk
PARAGLIDE OFF
MOUNT THOR,
BAFFIN ISLAND, CANADA
Last year, Australians
Christopher Warner and
Chris Fitzgerald were
charged with illegally
paragliding off the
worlds highest sheer
vertical drop (1,675m).
GO MOUNTAIN BIKING
IN MOAB, UTAH, US
Try the Slickrock Bike
Trail, a 15.5km-track
viewed by many to be
the ultimate mountain
biking challenge.
discovermoab.com
GO BLOWHOLE DIVING
IN HAWAII
Oahus Halona Blowhole,
also known as the Pinball
Machine, has seen more
fatalities than any other
dive site in Hawaii.
oahuscubadiving.com
WORLD OF
ADVENTURE
Theres more to life than House of Cards. Beyond your
living room, our planet is one big playground
By Jim Merrett | Illustrations by Infomen
CYCLE THE NORTH
YUNGAS ROAD, BOLIVIA
The 40-mile Death Road
teeters over a 600m
drop, claiming the lives
of more than 200
motorists every year.
RUN IN SANDALS
IN THE SIERRA
MADRE OCCIDENTAL
MOUNTAINS, MEXICO
Pick up a trick
or two from the
Tarahumara Indians,
who regularly peg it
200 miles at a time
across these remote
valleys in sandals.
EDGEWALK AROUND
TORONTOS CN TOWER
Skirt around the roof
of the restaurant on
top of the highest
freestanding building
in the western
hemisphere 356m up.
edgewalkcntower.ca
SURF CHILDS
GLACIER, ALASKA
Ride a wave created by
a 100m-tall block of ice
crashing into the sea.
HIKE THE TRIPLE
CROWN, US
Less than 200 people
have completed the
Pacific Crest Trail,
Appalachian Trail and
Continental Divide
Trail, racking up a
total of 7,400 miles,
with more than 300,000m
of vertical gain.
RUN THE ULTRA-TRAIL
DU MONT-BLANC CIRCUIT
An epic 168km trail
twisting through France,
Italy and Switzerland,
with a total climb of
over 9,600m.
ultratrailmb.com
COMPLETE THE WENGER PATAGONIAN
EXPEDITION RACE, CHILE
Trek, mountain bike, climb and
kayak across more than 350
miles of wilderness, including
the peaks of the Torres del Paine
mountains, huge ice fields and
the choppy sea waters around Cape
Horn. patagonianexpeditionrace.com
SKI DOWN K2, ON THE
BORDER OF PAKISTAN
AND CHINA
At 8,611m, the worlds
second-tallest mountain
is more remote, with
more treacherous weather
and statistically more
life-threatening than
Mt Everest. And no one
has ever successfully
skied down it yet.
SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL
Surprisingly, fewer people
have made it across this 21-mile
stretch of water than have
reached the summit of Mt Everest.
channelswimmingassociation.com
CROSS THE EL CAMINITO
DEL REY, SPAIN
This walkway around a
gorge in southern Spain
is the worlds most
dangerous hike (so named
because King Alfonso XIII
traversed it in 1921).
TRAIN SURF IN SOWETO,
SOUTH AFRICA
The most dangerous
sport in one of the most
notorious urban areas in
South Africa.
BASE JUMP AT
PREIKESTOLEN, NORWAY
A 604m-tall sheer cliff,
off which you are
legally allowed to jump.
EXPLORE KRUBERA
CAVE, GEORGIA
The deepest cave system
in the world has so-far
been explored to a depth
of 2,197m.
TAKE A CAGE-DIVE IN
GANSBAAI, SOUTH AFRICA
Face the really big boys (from
behind bars) in the most
heavily great white shark-
infested waters in the world.
sharkcagediving.co.za
VISIT TRISTAN
DA CUNHA
The most remote inhabited
place on Earth (other
than Hull). Its a
British territory in the
middle of the Atlantic,
1,700 miles from Africa
and 2,000 miles from
South America.
SURF THE WORLDS
BIGGEST WAVE
AT NAZAR, PORTUGAL
Big-wave surfer Garrett
McNamara rode a record
24m giant here in 2011.
CLIMB INTO AN
ACTIVE VOLCANO IN
VANUATU, SOUTH PACIFIC
In 2010, New Zealand
daredevil Geoff Mackley
donned a heatproof suit
and descended 195m into
the Marum volcano crater.
TAKE A SKYDIVE OVER
MT EVEREST, NEPAL
Leap out of a helicopter
9km above sea level
this is the highest
commercial aerial
experience in the world.
everest-skydive.com
DRIVE UP MARSIMIK
LA, INDIA
Its the worlds highest
road, with an elevation
of 5,681.5m.
FLY A WINGSUIT OFF THE
EIGER, SWITZERLAND
Climb to the top of the
mountain then jump off
to plunge 2,743m down.
PADDLE DOWN THE
BASHKAUS RIVER
IN SIBERIA, RUSSIA
A remote backwater slung
out near Mongolia that
tumbles 8m per mile for
130 miles.
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Haveyoubeensurprisedbytheworlds
reactiontoyourjump?I alwaysknew
that thiswasgoingtobebigtherst
humanbreakingthespeedof sound.
But whenyouretalkingandthereare10
camerasinfront of you, youdont really
realisetheyreachthewholeworld.
Thebiggest compliment that Ivehad
wasthat totheyounggeneration, this
wasour Moonlanding.
Hasitbroughtyoumuchfemale
attention?Ohyeah. EverytimeImgoing
todoautographsigningsandstu,
its80per cent women. Girlsloveheroes.
Also, it doesnt matter if youreacop
oramilitarypersonor anastronaut,
uniformsalwayswork. Andtheresnot so
manypeopleout therewhoareallowed
towear anastronaut uniform. Assoonas
youhavethat chance, youwill looksexy.
Youworeapressurisedsuitforthejump.
Didntyouhavesomeproblemswithit?
Thesuit isveryunnatural. Itssosilent
andit takesalot of eort breathing. And
I hadtoproveI couldspendsixhoursinit
at atimethatsawholeworkingday.
It startedtofreakmeout. Weall thought
about supersonicspeednobody
thought that spendingsixhoursinthe
suit onthegroundwouldbethebiggest
obstaclethat Idhavetoovercome.
Howdidyoubeatyouranxiety?I found
aguy, MikeGervais. Hehadworkedwith
sometopathletesintheUS. Within
threeweeks, weincreasedmytimein
thesuit fromalmost anhour tosixhours,
not aproblem. That wasimpressive.
YoualsohadhelpfromJoeKittinger,
whosetthelongestskydiverecord
in1960. Howdidhefeel aboutyou
breakingit?Hewasatruepioneer,
mychildhoodhero, andonthisproject
hewaslikeafather tome. Hewasat an
agewhenhefelt it wastimetopasshis
knowledgeon. Heknew: For 50years, no
onewasabletobeat myrecord. Andnow
theystill needmetobreakmyrecord.
Howlongwasthepreparationforthe
jumpintotal?Fiveyearsactually
mywholelifesinceI wasdoingmyrst
skydive, but at that moment I didnt
know. I hadabigpuzzleinmymind
andmyrst jumpwastherst piece
of thepuzzleandtheRedBull Stratos
[ie, thespacedive] wasthelast piece, then
mypuzzlewascomplete. I alwayssaidif
Stratoswassuccessfullycompleted, Im
done. Youcannot topthis, but I wasnever
apersonwhowantedtotopthejump
before. BasejumpingfromtheJesus
statueinRio[in1999] wascompletely
dierent fromjumpingacrossthe
Channel withawingstrappedtomyback
[2003]. Withall myjumps, itslikeasking
amumwhichchildshelikesthemost.
I learnedsomethingfromeveryjump.
YourparentscametoNewMexicotosee
theRedBull StratosjumpI couldnever
bringmyparentsbecausemost of my
Basejumpswereillegal I hadtotell
themabout thisafterwards. Thisisthe
rst timeshebecamealiveeyewitness
andthat moment, whenthecapsuletook
o, shesawher songoupintospaceand
shehadnoideawhether hedcomeback.
Whatdoyouseewhenyoure39kmup?
Youcanseelandmarks, thecurveof the
Earth, theskyaboveiscompletelyblack.
Itsbreathtaking, but itsalsoavery
hostileenvironment. I hadareallybig
checklist that I hadtofollow, soI didnt
get muchtimetoabsorbit. Itsa
once-in-a-lifetimeexperienceandyou
knowyouwill never comebacktothat
place, but youhavetoconcentrateon
doingeverythingintheright sequence
otherwiseyoumight die.
Whatdoesitfeel likewhenyoure
travellingatmorethan1,000kmphan
hour?Thethingis, youdont reallyfeel
it. Youhavenoindication, noreference
points. Your suit isnot appingbecause
it ispressurised. Thereisalmost nonoise
upthere. I hadbeentoldalot of stories
about whenyoubreakthesoundbarrier.
Thereisashockwavetheresa
supersonicboombut it happensway
behindyou. Nobodywhobreaksthe
speedof soundhearsit, but theyheard
it onthegroundba-boom. When
I landed, it wassuchagreat moment.
But I didnt knowif I hadbrokenthe
speedof sound. At thepressconference,
I still didnt know. But thenBrianUtley,
theGuinnessWorldRecordverication
guy, cameout of hisoceandgaveme
ayesyoudidlook. That wasfor methe
biggest valueof thewholeproject.
Earlyoninthejump, itlookedlikeyou
weretumblingThatsat spinning.
Yourotatereallyfast andall your blood
goesintoyour head. Thedanger isif it
israpidonset, theressomuchpressure
that theresonlyonewayfor thebloodto
leaveyour bodythroughtheeyeballs.
Itscritical tomaintaincontrol intherst
30secondsbecauseitsavacuum. You
cant useyour skydivingskillsinthose
30secondsbecausethereisnoair.
Doyouthinkthatsomeonewill oneday
beatyourjump?I wont sayitsnot
possible; what weoncethought of as
impossibleissometimesstandardnow.
But if youwant togoanyhigher, say
100km[theocial start of space], you
havetousearocket balloon, noway.
Toturnandthenexit arocket wouldtake
alot of technique. Andat that altitude,
thereisnofrictionat all soyouwill fall
at threeor four timesfaster thanthe
speedof sound. I thinkitsimpossible
tohandleit asahuman. Theresalways
someoneout therewhoisgoingtokick
your ass, but I dont thinkitsgoingtobe
soon. Weset thebenchmarkreallyhigh.
Plus, thesecondMoonlandingwasnot
evenshownliveonTV. Peoplewerelike,
yeah, weveseenthisalready, whatever.
Whatshappenedsincethejump?
Ivebeendoingsomanyspeeches
aroundtheplanet andreceivingalot of
awards. I wontheNational Geographic
Adventurer of theYear Awardacouple
of monthsagoandI met JamesCameron.
Hewasat theMarianaTrenchlast year,
10,000munder theocean.
Didheinspireyoutotryoutdiving?
No, no, no. Whenhetalksabout all this,
Imsittingtherethinking: Damn, how
canhegodown10,000minhislittle
submarineboat?Itsscary. I dont really
likewater Imabirdnot ash.
On 14 October 2012, the Austrian
Base jumper, skydiver and
daredevil jumped from a helium
balloon 39km above the Earth.
Moments later, he became the first
person to travel faster than the
speed of sound outside an aircraft
SUPERSONIC SKYDIVER
Q&A
FELIX BAUMGARTNER
DOWN-TO-EARTH
GUY: Felix
Baumgartner lands
in Roswell, New
Mexico, after his
successful Red
Bull Stratos jump
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COLD COMFORT:
Sylvain Tesson
relaxing with a
book outside his
cabin on the
shore of Lake
Baikal, Siberia
WILDERNESS
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
I WANTED TO
TAME TIME
AWARD-WINNING FRENCH
TRAVEL WRITER SYLVAIN TESSON
EXPLAINS WHY THE FREEDOM
OF A LIFE SPENT WANDERING IS
WORTH GIVING UP EVERYTHING
FOR EVEN SEX
Photographs by Thomas Goisque
38
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T
hemainmotivationof mytravel is togiveme
somethingtowriteabout. I donot haveasingle
pieceof imagination, sofor 20years I havebeen
forcedtotravel just tondmaterial. I amvery
jealous of thosepeoplewhocanjust sit inachair
andwriteanovel becausetheyhaveaworldintheir brain.
I havetousemyeyes beforeI usemypen.
I grewupinthewesternsuburbs of Paris, not far from
Versailles. I becameinterestedinclimbingwhenI was quite
young, about 16, andthenI startedontheParisianmonuments
withafriend. Wewerefreeclimbingnoropes whichis
muchmoreexciting. Whenyouareyoung, youthinkyouare
immortal soyouliketolivefast. Ineverycountrywhereyou
havemonuments therearepeoplewhowant toclimbonthem.
It is asort of poeticactivityandalittlebit surrealistic, just
climbingat night andwalkingontherooftops.
Wedidnt dothat just tobreakthelaw; it was toseethecity
fromabove. Whenyouareonthetopof thetower of Notre-
DameyouseeParis likeabigcarpet of light andit is really
impressive. I climbedNotre-Damemanytimes, theEiel
Tower, too. That is likeabigladder, veryhigh, but technically
it is not dicult. WhenI was inLondonnot longago, I saw
theHouses of Parliament, whichis abeautiful Gothic
mountain. That wouldmakeavery, veryniceclimbingspot,
but it is rather dicult toapproach.
Unfortunately, myfrienddiedwhilecityclimbingwhen
hewas 17andI was 18. ThenI startedtousearopeandclimb
onclis, whichis amuchmoretraditional wayof improving
your skills.
WhenI was 20, I decidedtoride abicycle aroundthe
worldwithafriendof mine, Alexandre Poussin. Abicycle is
verygoodbecause it is not tooslowsoyoudont get depressed
but it is not toofast soyoucanreallyappreciate the countries
youare passingthrough. We went ridingfor 14months,
throughthe northof Africa, the Sahara, SouthAmericaand
thenfromSingapore toParis throughthe TibetanHimalayas.
I discoveredthe real meaningof feelingfree. WhenI came
backtothe city, I felt alittle bit jailedbythe necessityto
bepolite andfollowthe rules. Of course, whenyouare onthe
road, it doesnt meanthat youcandoanythingandact like
agangster. It is verybanal what I say, but the further away
youare fromhumanbeings the more youare free. Liberty
freedomis not alackof laws. It is just toobeyyour own
laws. Thats whyI decidedtotravel all mylife.
AlexandreandI didnot plantowriteabookabout this
trip, but bothof us likedtokeepadiary. Bychance, whenwe
camebackwemet abigFrenchpublisher. Hetoldus, Please,
trytoput together somechapters andI will seewhat wecan
do. So, everythingstartedfrompurecoincidence. Thebook,
OnaRoulsurlaTerre, was publishedin1996andwas a
surprisesuccess. Weshowedit was nothingtogoonahugetrip.
Youjust havetowant it andgolikeawanderer. Beforethat,
all thepeoplewhoweretravellingconsideredthemselves like
heroes onaverybigadventurethat was hardtoaccomplish.
Wesaidtheopposite.
Most peoplethinkthedenitionof luxuryis topurchase
someexpensivegoods or tohaveanexperiencethat is
sophisticatedandcomplicatedandverypleasurable. I think,
infact, real luxuryis whenyoustopsuering. That is very
dierent. Luxuryis thetimewhenyouarenolonger starving
or thirstyor exhaustedor toocoldor toohot. It is not tobathe
indonkeymilkinagoldbathroomthat has beendecoratedby
thestylist of SaddamHussein. Real luxuryis tondthespring
of alittleriver after twodays walkinginthedesert. That rst
drinkof thewater will makeyoufeel likeyoumet God.
Adventureis averydicult wordtodescribe. What is
adventure? At thebeginningof his 1949novel TheSheltering
Sky, Paul Bowles says that thereis adierencebetweena
tourist andatraveller: atourist knows whenheis goingtocome
backbut atraveller does not. Perhaps anadventurer does not
want tocomeback, maybethat is thedierencebetweenthese
threecategories. Of course, youliketothinkyouarethebig
adventurer, but this is nouse. Whenyoumeet ashepherdin
themiddleof theGobi Desert, hewill lookat youas atourist
becauseyoucametoseehimjust for your leisureor out of
curiosity; youdont needtodoit. Everyoneshouldknowthat
theyarereallyatourist.
Beingscaredis bizarrebecauseyoucanbeveryfrightened,
but thenyouforget it: it does not imprint onyour memory.
Thats whyI dont believeinbeingexperienced, as youalways
makethesamemistakes. Experienceshouldconvincethe
traveller never togoagain. Infact, thetraveller always goes
againandthensays, What amI doinghere? Ahundredtimes
I havesaidtomyself, Nomore.
In2001, I was inabigcar crashinAfghanistan. There
wereeight of us andfour werekilled. I remember whenI was
carryingbackthebodies of myfriends, I said, This is thelast
time. Fromnowon, I will stayintheparadisethat is Europe.
Of course, threemonths later I was backinAfghanistan. You
never respect thelessonthat destinygives toyou.
I am41 now. WhenI was approachingmyforties, I felt
Tesson leaps a
widening crack in
the thawing ice
on Lake Baikal;
his dogs seem
less inclined
to follow suit
After reading
in the morning,
Tesson spends
his afternoons
fishing and
chopping wood
WILDERNESS
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
Iddoneenoughkilometres: in1997, I walkedacross the
Himalayas; acoupleof years later, I spent sixmonths withmy
anceridinghorses fromKazakhstantoUzbekistan; in2003,
I went alonefromYakutsktoCalcutta. I was alittlebit fedup
of beinglikeahobo. I just wantedtosettlesomewhereandsee
thetimepass; I wantedtotametime. Thats what I succeeded
indoinginmyhut inSiberia.
In2005, I was ridingamotorbikeandsidecar around
LakeBaikal whenI met this littlehut. It was likewhenyou
meet someoneandhaveacoupdefoudre; youfall inlove.
I fell inlovewiththis place, withthis hut, andI decidedto
gobackfor sixmonths in2010. Thenearest neighbour was
about 20kilometres awayandit was sixdays walktothelocal
village. I felt that tobealoneis awaytounderstandtheworld
muchbetter.
LakeBaikal is 700kmfromnorthtosouth. It is thedeepest
lakeintheworld. Myhut measured3mby3mbut I never felt
it was toosmall. It was comfortable. I hadabed, atableand
achair. I tookall thegoodstufromcivilisation: cigars, vodka
andnearly100books. This is enoughfor life. I always travel
witharecorder, likeatinwhistle. I alsoplaythebagpipes, but
I never bringthemas youhavetooil thebagpipes andbevery
gentlewiththem. It is averydelicateinstrument.
Inthemornings, I wouldreadandsmokeandlearn
somepoetry. Theywereverycalmhours. I nishedall of
mybooksexcept for Schopenhauers TheWorldasWill and
Representation. I havetriedtoreadthat several times
andI amnot abletodoit. This bookis still onmytable.
Intheafternoons, I cut woodandshedandwalkedinthe
mountains. Sometimes, I tookmytent andslept inthesnow.
I lovetheideayoucanliveinaverysportywayandalsobe
quiteanintellectual. TheprobleminFranceis that wemake
agap, afrontier, betweentheathleticpeopleandtheintelligent
people. Wesaythat if youareverywell educatedthenyouhave
tobealittlebit weak: if youarestrongandhavealot of muscles
thenyoumust bestupid. This is apity. Englishpeopledonot
makethis dividebetweenthebodyandthespirit. For example,
Lawrenceof Arabiawas afantasticwriter andalsoacrazy
warrior. Wedont believeinthat typeof maninFrancebut I like
tothinkyoucanbeboth.
NowI ammissingmyhut, but inmyhut I was not missing
Paris. I never felt lonely. I was not eventhinkingabout sex. I lost
mygirlfriendwhenI was therebecauseshedidnot likethefact
I was always goingaway, whichI canunderstand. WhenI met
soldiers inAfghanistan, sometimes theywereonamissionfor
sixmonths, andtheyjust forget about sexbecausetheyknow
that if theyopenthat littledoor tothinkabout it thentheyare
goingtobecomecompletelyinsane. So, somethingcloses in
your brain, youknowthat for sixmonths youarenot goingto
meet abeautiful Russiangirl fromtheBolshoi whois walking
ontheshores of Baikal. This is impossible.
I didhavetwodogs with
meinSiberia, whichmade
mysolitudefakebecausethey
weremycondants andbest
friends. Wearealways
thinkingabout tomorrowand
futureprojects; dogs just melt
intothemoment andI tried
todothat. It is veryimportant
not towastetime. Youhaveto
beawareof eachminutethat
isgiventoyouandjust be
therelikeadog. BeforeI was
inthehut, I never tookanhour
tosettleinfront of mywindow
andjust lookat what is
happeninginthestreet. Now
I doit. I thinkthat thoseempty
hours areverynecessary
becausethat is whenyouallow
your mindtowork.
I just spent sixweeks
climbinginChamonix.
Thisismuchmoreriskythan
travelling. Everyday, the
helicopter arrivedtorescue
peoplewhohadfallen.
I brokemyhand. If youwant
alittlebit of adventurethen
myadvicetoyouis todosome
alpinism. Whenyouclimb
amountain, evenif its not a
highlevel of diculty, youwill
feel theintensicationof your
life. Frommorningtoevening
youwill suer, youwill be
happy, youwill befrightened,
youwill behopeful, you
will feel despair andthen
youwill recover your hope. Youwill feel aconcentrationof all
humanfeelings injust oneday. Writingandclimbing; I would
just liketodothat.
SylvainTessonisthewinnerof the2011 PrixMdicisfor
non-ction. Hislatestbook, Consolationsof theForest: Alone
inaCabinintheMiddleTaiga(AllenLane, 17), isoutnow.
TessonwastalkingtoBenMitchell
IT WAS SIX DAYS
WALK TO THE
LOCAL VILLAGE.
I FELT THAT TO BE
ALONE IS A WAY
TO UNDERSTAND
THE WORLD BETTER
Tesson lived
in this 3m x 3m
Siberian hut
for six months.
This is enough
for life, he says
T
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watch, 280,
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HARDWARE
GEAR WORTH GOING TO THE
ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR
(OR AT LEAST TO AMAZON)
Super-tough
compass with
glow-in-the-
dark markings
and a clinometer
to measure
inclines.
Standard field
compass,
45, by Recta
alloutdoor.co.uk
Anti-shark
wetsuit that
makes the
wearer appear
unpalatable to
great whites.
Divertor shark
deterrent wetsuit,
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Leak-proof
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A lightweight,
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KIT
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
This will keep
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all the way
down to 67C.
Lightweight,
super-bright and
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flashlight.
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Carbon fibre
tools for ice and
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paddle board,
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CampStove,
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Robust pedals
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madison.co.uk
THE FINAL ASCENT
This year marks the60thanniversaryof
EdmundHillaryandTenzingNorgays
conquest of Mt Everest. But threedecades
earlier, twoclimbers might havebeaten
themtoits 8,848msummit.
EnglishmenGeorgeMalloryandAndrew
Irvinehadareputationas thegreatest
mountaineers of their generation: whobetter
toattempt toreachtheveryapexof theEarth?
But their 1924Everest expeditiononlythe
third-ever attempt toscalethemountain
wastobetheir last. Thepair went missing;
Mallorys bodywas discoveredin1999, but
Irvines has never beenfound. Thelast known
locationof thepair was highonthemountains
north-east ridge, 245mfromthehighest peak.
Whether MalloryandIrvinereachedthe
topremains asubject of great debate Jan
Faull, archiveproductioncurator at theBritish
FilmInstitute, says. TheBFI has just restored
TheEpicof Everest, an85-minutelmof the
expeditiondirectedbyCaptainJohnNoel,
whotwoyears previouslyshot therst footage
of Everest andaccompaniedtheclimbers
6,700mupthemountain.
Noels lmwill onlyfuel speculation
about howfar theclimbers got, but provides
aglimpseof lifeinTwenties Tibet.
Tibet was anisolatedcountry, afeudal
society, Faull says. Special permission
wasobtainedfromthe13thDalai Lamafor
theexpeditiontotakeplace.
Noel touredthelmacross Europeand
theUSbeforeit was depositedwiththeBFI
intheForties.
This is oneof thegreatest treasures of
theBFI National Archive, headcurator Robin
Baker says. It represents akeymoment in
thehistoryof mountaineeringandremains an
enduringmonument toMalloryandIrvine.
TheEpicof Everest, istouringnationwide
until 2February; b.org.uk
A recently unearthed film
sheds light on mountaineers
Mallory and Irvines doomed
expedition to Mt Everest
Captain Noels
landmark film
was shot during
Mallory and
Irvines 1924
Mt Everest attempt
ENDS OF THE EARTH
Esquire: Adventure
December 2013
42
W
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INTRODUCING
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INTRODUCING
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