Her Libyan husband imprisoned by the Gaddafi regime, Nita Nicholson taught at the university in Benghazi.

Later, she studied Applied Linguistics at Birkbeck ollege London !hilst campaigning for her husband"s release. #eflecting on the long and dark years of state killings and disappearances, she turned to !riting. $hen in %&'' the Libyan (street" spoke out despite its fear of retribution, she !as spurred on to conclude and share her first novel on the social impact of state terror.

)o *athia, my mother+in+la!, al!ays a peace+maker. )o the disappeared and their loving families !ho deserve an ans!er.

Nita Nicholson

CHAMELEON IN MY GARDEN

opyright , Nita Nicholson )he right of Nita Nicholson to be identified as author of this !ork has been asserted by her in accordance !ith section -- and -. of the opyright, /esigns and 0atents Act '1... All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other!ise, !ithout the prior permission of the publishers. Any person !ho commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. A 20 catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library. 23BN 1-. '.4156 5-7 1 !!!.austinmacauley.com *irst 0ublished 8%&'49 Austin :acauley 0ublishers Ltd. %7 anada 3;uare anary $harf London <'4 7LB

0rinted and bound in Great Britain

0art =ne > Letting go

3he had said goodbye to everything she had kno!n that offered safety, ?ust as 3aad had done before her.

hapter '
No !ord of him
Neda !as t!o, and a bit. )hat little e@tra mattered because, until very recently, she had not spoken a single !ord her mother understood > nothing even vaguely approaching a child"s mutation of something recognisable > not (mama" or (papa". Her life so far had been a predictable pattern of sleep, food and play, !ith her mother anticipating all her needsA she had no need of speech. 2t had !orried 3ally that her second child never called for attention. Bno!ing she !as content did nothing to reassure her. 0erhaps her over+diligence had !orked too much like clock!ork. 3he kne! Neda !as capable of speech because she had heard her chatting a!ay ;uite fluently !ith a little Gu?erati+speaking playmate !ho lived ne@t door. )ogether they had made up a !hole ne! language of !hich not even the smallest fragment or morpheme !as understood by either set of parents. 3ince her birth in distant Libya, in Al Baitha in the hills of yrenaica, <nglish and Arabic had s!apped positions like dancers in a ;uadrille. =n her mother"s knee, <nglish had been the most intimate, !ith Arabic the ambient background music. )hen, as she mingled !ith the larger family in Benghazi, Arabic had come to the fore and her mother tongue receded. As her mother"s running commentary, <nglish !as reserved for moments of intimacy, not for social mingling. No! in <ngland, <nglish !as dominant again and Neda"s passive Arabic !as fading fast, though it figured on occasions !hen her father !as at home. Neither language had absorbed her attention like this !holly self+tailored toddler tongue, a multilingual hybrid !hich had encompassed all her desires and supported creative

play. 2t had sufficed > until her nursery friend left one day for Glasgo!. )hen, of course, unnourished, it fell a!ay like pieces of a broken shell. )here !as only <nglish for the most part to get along !ith. Her brother, Nizar, being ?ust that little older, could model the sort of language she !ould understand !hen they played together. He !as not troubled by her silent companyA he had a captive audience. His chatter in the <nglish of their mother"s stories, the !ordplay of meal routines, !as familiar. His guiding inter?ections as she rummaged through the toy basket !ere suddenly more meaningful. )hen there !as the more mysterious language her mother used for telling stories about the shiny items she kept in a !ooden bo!l > things like discarded buttons, hristmas cracker gifts, fossils, shells and shiny pebbles. But no!, there came the absence+of+language times, more fre;uent than before, times !hen her mother seemed to keep her o!n counsel as, bet!een chores, she rested in the !indo! seat. 3ometimes Neda ?oined her there and !atched the birds her mother must be !atching. 3ilences !ere easyA but a little disconcerting. 3o !hen !ords did appear, they seemed like invitations to ?oin in the !onder of things and Neda began to play !ith !ords, mimicking their stressed syllables, seizing on all that !as salient about them and especially those little snippets that tripped easily off the tongue. 2t !as April '1-6. Apart from the rain slashing at her bedroom !indo!, it !as ;uiet inside the apartment. )oo ;uiet. Neda had been tucked in bed but !as !ide a!ake, listening. 3he called out for her mother !ho came to tuck her in for the second time. Her short dark curls framed her chubby face as she settled back on the pillo!. Her eyes, large and in;uiring, didn"t look like they !ould close any time soon. $ith her chin up and eyes laughing, it !as plain to see that she had inherited the lush features of her Libyan grandmother, no! left behind in Benghazi. Neda"s apple+rosy cheeks ?ust asked to be s;ueezed. 3ally sang a nursery rhyme then kissed her (s!eet dreams". 3he set

the nursery chimes to calm her, kno!ing that Nizar slept soundly and !ould not easily be !akened. Neda kept still in the position she had adopted !hen her mother had cuddled her !ith the blanket pressed gently round her shoulders. 3he !as listening out for voices in conversation, one in particular > the one that had been missing no! for far too long > her father"s voice. 2t had been days, perhaps even more than days, certainly longer than usual, since she had seen him, or heard him coming in, late as usual. A long time after she had gone to bed, the front door !ould close behind him !ith the softest of clicks. He !ould, it seemed, mostly be a!ay and only ever dip into her life after a long time of not being there. $henever she did hear him arriving home, sleep came right a!ay. 2n the morning, she !ould be able to snatch a little of his time and attention. He !ould chuck her chin and give Nizar a high fiveA but only to dash a!ay for another long not+being+there, leaving his green coffee mug steaming on the kitchen counter. )he !orld outside the front door !ould al!ays spirit him a!ay. But this time !as not like the other times. His slippers !ere !here he had left them in the hall!ay, still undisturbed, still neatly aligned. Letters meant for him !ere piling up on his desk, unopened. He had been a!ay for that long. Her mother !as restless, too preoccupied for chatting. Neda kne! something !as amiss, though 3ally had said nothing to make her think so. )hen, as she lay listening, she heard someone clattering dishes in the kitchen, the noisy !ay he al!ays did so that she !as sure it must be him. 3he sat up to hear better, and decided she !ould burst in and surprise him. He !ould laugh, and lift her up, ?og her up and do!n and s!ing her round like a carousel. He might even pinch her nose and s;ueeze her hands, plant kisses on her cheeks. 3o she crept along the passage, pausing !here she kne! a floorboard creaked. 2t !as her mother"s voice that called out, CNo!, !ho is thatD $ho is not asleep yetD 2s that you, NedaDE *inding herself discovered, Neda pushed the door and called out (boo" all the same, rescuing as much surprise as she

could from too+soon discovery. 2t !asn"t her father in the kitchen after all. 3ally sa! her disappointment and understood. 3he held her close, !hispering CNot yet, my little one. He"s not home yet. But he !ill come soon, 2 promise you. After all, !hat !ould !e do !ithout himDE Neda dragged her mother round the apartment, finding all the things that belonged to 3aad > C/addy"s to!el, /addy"s slippers, /addy"s book, /addy"s coat, /addy"s mug, All /addy"sFE > until she felt disheartened by the absence of an ans!er to the ;uestion. As 3ally tucked her back in bed, !ith the chimes playing by her pillo!, she succumbed to sleep. Neda !ould never ask again about her father. He !as gone for good, for sure. 0eople simply disappear like that, ine@plicably. )his is ho! things are, ?ust as perple@ing as other things that go missing in the !orld. 2t !as a cruel caprice and a child must ?ust accept. )hings !ere ?ust that !ay. *or 3ally, it !as the end of another day of longing for 3aad, of !aiting for any kind of ne!s of him, listening to the radio, hoping for something to emerge in the ne!s on the hour, at every hour. )he many reasons that cro!ded in her head for !hat might have detained him !ere too dire to contemplate for more than a flashing second. But she returned again and again to all the possibilities. )here !ere letters from the hospital asking for an e@planation. 3he had no ans!ers. )here !as no information to be gleaned from the international section of the ne!s !hich seemed never to report on Libya. )here !ere phone calls from friends en;uiring, but none from him or his family. C$hat !ould !e do !ithout himDE she had said. $hat !ill !e doD !as really the more pressing ;uestion slo!ly forming out of her distraught confusion. :anaging !ithout 3aad !as inconceivable. Ho! much longer could she keep up the facade that everything !ould soon or ever return to normalD )he tone of hurt in Neda"s voice had shaken her pretended serenity. 2t !as time to face up to the conse;uences of 3aad"s decision to make the visit, or go back home > !hich it !as she could not

say. $hether or not he intended to return, she might have to carry on !ithout him. 3he !ould have to carry on alone. 3he had not agreed !ith 3aad"s decision to return to Libya, if only for a short visit. But an invitation to advise on the founding of a heart hospital in )ripoli had been too important, too enticing, to resist. 3he had argued passionately against it. 2t isn"t safe and you kno! that, 3aad. $hy !ould you take the risk and leave us hereD He had dismissed her pleading as emotional, irrational even. Libya !as a place he kne! !ell, better than she did. He !ould be safe amongst his o!n people, !ith relatives he could trust. *urthermore, it !as an invitation from a distant uncle, in the :inistry of HealthA that fact alone !ould guarantee his safety. An uncle !ould never put a nephe!"s life in ?eopardy. 0eople are basically good, despite !hat you may say, he had said. 2n any case, 2"m needed there. Gou don"t need to !orry > it !ill only be a fe! days, not a !eek even. He had been so sure. No! it had been long enough !ith no !ord from him to suspect things might not have been as 3aad had imagined. <ither he !as detained there, held against his !ill, or he had deserted them, intentionally. Had he not considered the conse;uences for their childrenD )he apartment !as not theirs. )he hospital !as !aiting for the rent. )he letters !ere sounding impatient and taking on a detached administrative tone.

hapter %
:issing
)he follo!ing morning, Neda !as unusually ;uiet and still, content ?ust to !atch her brother play as she sat cross+legged in a deep armchair. Nizar had tipped a ?igsa! from its bo@ and they had fallen like a landslide onto the fireside rug. He !as methodically turning the pieces face up. Neda !as not moved to ?oin him as she usually did, but instead reminded him that a piece !as missing. 3he remembered searching !ith him for it. /idn"t heD But Nizar !as undeterred. He loved this particular set !ith beetles of every hue from petrol blue to to@ic greens, all aligned in ro!s like collectors" items. He kne! the picture !ell and returned the scattered beetle bits to their !hole selves !ith practiced ease. $ith predictable contrariness that seemed to be a part of ?igsa! mystery, the lost piece !as not lost after all. He !hooped !ith ?oy. Neda sprung to life and ?oined in. )hey turned to their mother for her approval of this surprising outcome. 3ally !as still sitting at the breakfast table, though breakfast !as done !ith long ago. 3he had her back to them but sensed their anticipation of her reply. CGou"ve found it then, NizarDE she said, not turning round, not really sharing in the find. C)hat"s a nice surprise, isn"t itD Ho! clever of you. Nothing missing after all.E 2t !as that Nothing missing after all that punctured her reverie !ith such finality. Her voice !as strangely flat > no lilting tones in it. Nothing > missing > after all. 3he !as staring though the !indo!, seeing nothing in particular, other than the hedge that marked the boundary of the garden. )hat !as !here 3aad used to leave nuts for the s;uirrels, so that he and 3ally could !atch them turn them so adeptly in their little fists. Nizar stretched

up to see if anything in particular !as going on in the garden, but there !as nothing he could make out. His mother !as clearly some!here else in her head, a place !here things bigger than ?igsa!s demanded her attention, the kinds of things that often filled the minds of adults, he supposed. Nizar sa! that she held a letter in her hand, not reading it, the same letter he had brought in from the post earlier that morning. 3he had been far a!ay ever since, he realised no!, ever since opening it > that is until Gou"ve found it ... nothing missing after all. )he little Big Ben clock ticked more loudly on the mantelpiece in the silence. 3till she sat there turned a!ay from him, !ith her hair hiding her face. He studied her hair, the !ay she had let it fall !ithout pushing it a!ay. 3ilver hairs, he thought, ?ust a fe!A they come !hen you get older. 3he had told him that !hen he had asked about them once before. He felt he kne! a little about gro!ing old and ho! it led to dyingA it !orried him. His father, 3aad, had e@plained the link once !hen together they had found a dead bird in the gutter. 3aad had moved it to a garden bed. C2t !as probably old for a bird,E he had said, intending to reassure him. C2t"s time has come.E CAnd in the garden, it !on"t get hurt any more,E Nizar had added, not sure if this !as really a truth or ?ust a ;uestion. )here !as nothing reassuring about the chain of thought that led from silver hair to being old, and not getting hurt any more. $hen Nizar moved closer to his mother, he sa! that she had been crying. )his !as not the first time since his father had left at least a !eek or more ago. =nly the other day, on a morning at home ?ust like this one, she had been doodling !ith his crayons. Little bo@es had taken shape, completely filled !ith crouching figures, as though their cages held them tight, ro! on ro! of them. 2t had been a scary kind of crying then, a slo! straining deep inside her, more like a sighing than a crying. C/on"t !orry, :ama,E he had said. C2 can do it for you, if you !ant. 2"m good at colouring in.E )he letter must be the reason this time. 3he !ould e@plain !hen she !as ready. 3he !ould lift her head and !ith a flick of her hand make the silver go a!ay. $hile he !aited for her

to do ?ust this, he continued to admire the finished ?igsa!, all pieces present, every beetle in its place. CGou"re pleased 2"ve found the piece, :ama, aren"t youDE he asked, not necessarily e@pecting an ans!er. CGes, of course 2 am,E she said. EAnd you did it all by yourself, didn"t youDE )his time she spoke !ith genuine enthusiasm, pleasure sounding strong in her voice as she turned to look him straight in the eye. CAll by yourself,E Neda mimicked, ?umping from her chair. CGou find missing, don"t youD All by yourselfFE )he !ords Gou find missing spoken !ith the innocence and trust of a child !ere dis;uieting, stroking her like a fingered shiver do!n the back. C2t !asn"t really missing, Neda, love. Hust mislaid.E 3ally stood up to clear the table, determined to shake off the feeling of so much helplessness. C2s everything okay no!DE Nizar asked. C3ure it is, my s!eetheart. /on"t you !orry. 2 must get a move on, mustn"t 2D :y goodness, it"s getting late.E

hapter 6
)orn
learing the table, 3ally filed the letter beneath the miniature Big Ben clock on the mantelpiece. $eighted there, it !as comfortingly reduced to the red and blue edge of its envelopeI dealt !ith, tamed. 3urely silenced. atching herself in the mirror, she stopped to finger through her hair. 3he must return things to the !ay they !ere before the letter. 3he paused to pose !ith a coping smile, the !ay her mother al!ays did, as if the tidiness of things could banish all dis;uiet, as if a carefully arranged smile could make things better. )racing her forefinger over the mirror"s surface, she left a track in the static dust. 3he !iped it, and then the clock"s face, lifting, !iping and restoring the items alongside one by one to their assigned places on the mantel shelf. 3he fussed around the letter > not done !ith after all. $ith the !riter"s !ords still fresh in her mind, she imagined the !riter"s voice modulating them !ith different intentions. )hroughout, the language !as matter+of+fact and dry. 3he imagined the !riter"s voice, stern in timbre, speaking them. 3he had signed off as C<va, a !ell+!isher,E but sympathy had not been much in evidence. CGou desert him,E the voice challenged, ambiguous !ith the inaccurate choice of tense or aspect. 3ally set the !ords free to echo in her head. Lifted off their !ritten shapes, they could more easily be tested for ho! they might have been spoken. But !hichever !ay she modified the intonation, the !ords still offended her. )hey hurt, for the opposite !as true. C2"ve deserted himDE 3he couldn"t help the bitter tone tumbling !ithin earshot of the children. C/eserted !ho, :ummyDE Nizar asked.

C=h, take no notice of me, love. 3omething very silly on my mind.E CBut !hat"s (deserted"DE he persisted. CNothing, darling. /addy"s coming soon, 2 told you, didn"t 2DE CHas /addy desertedDE C=h, never. He !ould never desert us. /on"t you !orry, my little one, /addy"s coming soon, 2"m sure of that. $hat !ould !e do !ithout him, any!ayDE )here it !as again, that cry of need for him. And yet she could not rid herself of the niggling doubt that he had perhaps deserted them and if so she should not be feeling the need of him. )here had been signs. He had been restless, keen to get a!ay. )here !as anger in her thoughts. C oming soon,E Neda mimicked. C/addy coming soo+ oon.E 3he slid do!n from the armchair scattering the ?igsa! across the hearthrug. CHey, you. 2 !anted to keep that. Gou"ve messed it up and you don"t care, do youDE Nizar complained. C oming soon. oming soon. /addy coming soo+oon.E Neda sang the !ords over and over to herself as she skipped around the room, oblivious to the damage she had done. 3ally read on silentlyI C2 cannot imagine !hat possess you to be a!ay.E 3he cannot imagineD $hat has possessed meD )he !ords !ere deeply !ounding. 3he !ould not hear them any more. 3he put the letter back under the clock and then bent do!n to help Nizar collect the ?igsa! pieces. 3he set the bo@ at the table for him to assemble them !here they !ould be safe. Neda !as still singing, making up a flo! of lyrics from a confusion of partially assimilated !ords, and dancing to their rhythm. )his, everything !e have here, is all unreal, 3ally thought. $e !on"t be able to stay, !ithout 3aad, if he doesn"t come back. $e !ill lose all of this. Nothing !as theirs, not the 0arker Bnoll furniture, the porcelain plates, not the furnishings > it !as an apartment furnished more lavishly than they could ever have afforded. <ven 3aad"s car, a Jolks!agen Beetle, !ould have to go. 3he could not drive it any!ay.

No! at last, she had hit the brick !all that !as the truth about her dilemma. 3he had no idea !here to go from here. 0erhaps she had after all been possessed, in denial of the crisis they really !ere in. ertainly she had been unable to begin the search for solutions. *inding a ?ob seemed a mountain of a task, and that !as only the first of many things she !ould have to do, on her o!n. 2t !as 3aad !ho !as possessed > by dreams, by impossible desires, by goals beyond his reach. )hey had left Libya because it had not been safe to stay another day, and nothing had happened since to change that naked fact. 2t !as, she remembered, almost a year to the day !hen a stranger had accosted 3aad in the street in Benghazi, to !ish him !ell and !arn him that he !as at imminent risk of arrest or !orse. )hat night they had travelled back to Al Baitha in the mountains for a fe! items, said goodbye to friends under cover of darkness and left Libya the ne@t evening from Benghazi airport. 2t had been the safe thing to do. But !hereas leaving meant returning home for 3ally, it !as tantamount to e@ile for 3aad > that terrifying choice of an ending, a cutting+off never !ished for. $hat had made for prudence at the time soon came to seem to him like co!ardice. 3ally thought, too late no!, that she might have tried harder to understand !hat e@ile had meant to 3aad, leaving behind so much that defined !ho he !as. =n reflection, it !as easier no! to make allo!ances for !hat had seemed at the time like a rash decision. He had been forced, panicked even, into e@ile. Libya !as !here he !anted to be. After all, !ith the first flush of altruism, he !as one of the fe! !ho had ans!ered the olonel"s call for trained professionals to leave the coastal to!ns and !ork in the countryside, reversing the trend of migration from rural to urban areas. 3aad had volunteered right a!ay, seeing this as his honourable and patriotic duty > repayment for the scholarship he had been a!arded years before. 3ally had been proud of his decision. 3he had supported him. 3he still had the photos of 3aad standing on the steps of the hospital in Al Baitha !ith his staff, including the

ambulance driver and the carpenter. He had directed a successful campaign against the cholera epidemic that had s!ept across the :iddle <ast from 0akistan, leaving a trail of devastation in its !ake. /espite having no kinship links to the area, he had been able to !in the trust of the Bedouin against all odds, persuading them to accept vaccine in?ections administered by volunteer nurses often from feuding enemy tribes. He had travelled to their desert camps and spent time !ith them, !inning their trust. He had e@plained the campaign on television. He had done more than most. Kne@pectedly, his endeavours had stirred up some resentment, made enemies, and given him a higher profile than !as prudent. He !as dra!n irrevocably into controversial matters of public health, a politically charged ;uestion. 3ally sa! ;uite clearly that this had brought him up against vested interests much more po!erful than he !as. 3he had sensed the gro!ing hostility. 3he felt the danger. <ven so, the decision to flee had been a difficult one, for them both. $ith hindsight, it !as easy to see that abandoning all he had achieved !as a bitter pill. But it seemed he had come to terms !ith this disappointmentA he !as happy !ith his internship at the General 2nfirmary in Leeds. He !as diligent and dedicated, ultimately obtaining the privilege of presenting a paper at a global heart conference in :adrid, under the guidance of a famous heart surgeon. )he future looked promising and he could still make head!ay in his career, albeit in a different direction, in a different place. )hen out of the blue had come an invitation to help !ith the founding of a ne! hospital in )ripoli. 2t had seemed plausible, given 3aad"s recent success and profile. 3he could not blame him for hoping that it might be a preamble to rehabilitation, easing the !ay for a permanent return. <@ile !as not perhaps to be forever. )his !as !hy he had overridden her appeals so vehemently, !hy he had dismissed the anonymous calls she had received, the calls that !arned it !as not safe for him to return to Libya. He did not !ant to be restrained by caution, for, after all, no one could be trusted one !ay or another, and

he could not let his life be shaped by such uncertainty. 3he realised his decision had not been a sudden impulse. Her pleading !ould have seemed mis?udged, poorly reasoned, selfish even. )he limits she had placed on his choice had only given further cause to take the risk. CGou al!ays like to think the !orst and put obstacles in the !ay,E he had saidA unfairly she had thought. He had been adamantA and, !ithin the !eek, !as gone. 3ally returned the breakfast dishes to the cupboard. 3he !as reminded of the other side of 3aad"s nature as she did so > his caring side, his love of children that had attracted her to him in the first place. And there !as his favourite mug !ith its green eltic pattern, hidden no! in a corner at the back of the shelf, its green self out of place she had said !hen he had chosen it, out of place for not blending in !ith the !hite porcelain. *eeling regret for this pettiness, she brought it for!ard no! right to the front, even though it meant reaching past it for other items she preferred. Had she been unreasonable in other !aysD Had she driven him a!ayD Ho! she !ished they could still share a coffee break together, she !ith her !hite mug, he !ith his green one. =ther doubts hung about in the background, hesitant as unbidden guests al!ays are. )he blue and red line of the airmail envelope forced its !ay into her ruminating thoughts. Gou"re al!ays ruminating, he !ould say. 3he !as ruminating no!. 3he lifted the clock to read again that irksome phrase > something about (a !ife"s place" > something she could not commit to memory. Ges, there it !as > <va had !ritten that a !ife"s first duty !as to follo! her husband, to give up everything and accompany him !herever that might take her. /oing other!ise suggested infidelity on her part. =h, there !ere things this !oman <va needed to kno!, this anonymous <va she could not put a face to, this stranger out of no!here !ho had no kno!ledge of her side of the story. 3hould she enter into a dialogue !ith herD 3he decided she !ould not. 3he felt there !as nothing she could do to turn the !riter"s bias to her favour.

hapter 4
Bearings
3ally, like 3aad, had not !anted to leave Al Baitha. But !ith no time to !aste, the imperative to flee !as paramount. 3he trusted 3aad to ?udge the situation better than she could. )hey grabbed a fe! essential items that could be s;uashed into the children"s baggage along !ith infant toiletries. )hey left many precious things behind. 3aad had driven in stony silence. Benghazi !as t!o hours a!ay. )he children slept in the back seats, leaving their mother free to think her o!n thoughts, !ith time enough to commit to memory the place they !ere leaving behindA the lie of the land, the !ay it dropped from the hills to the limestone plateau, a plain that spread like an apron to the coast in the !est and north, banked up by more hills to the east. Hills she had !alked in. oastal to!ns she had visited. 3he remembered it all passing by like a grainy film, so s!iftly, so vague and dream+like. 3he had stared out through bleary eyes, !ondering if they !ould ever return, fearing that they never !ould. )he old !ooden bridge that spanned the largest !adi as part of the old t!isting track around the hillsides had once been the only route. 2t !as made redundant no! by a ne! high!ay that cut right through the hills and spanned the valleys in a straight line. A series of !adis lay belo! the high!ay, mostly hidden by thick canopies of lush vegetation, lemon and ?uniper, olive and pistacia and other species she could not name. )here !as even almond, and al!ays the hardy shrubs that survived the summer droughts like acacia. 3he !as keen to see again and maybe for the last time the familiar pockmarks that had been blasted into the sandstone rock !ith bullets from the gun of a $orld $ar )!o soldier. :ost likely his epitaph. But she did not find it this time.

)hen came to mind the scene she and 3aad had come across ?ourneying back to Al Baitha from Benghazi, a trip they made fre;uently. 0assing by !here the road dipped do!n to the plain, they sa! again the burnt+out chassis they had passed only !eeks before. )hey had kno!n !hat it must be, !hose accident. )hey had stopped to e@amine it. )he body of the young dentist had been removed for burial, the door removedA but his charred brain remained, spilled on the steering !heel and dashboard. 3he remembered ho! all of Al Baitha had a!aited his return from <gypt, his family ready to celebrate his graduation and his forthcoming marriage. 2t had been the middle of the night, or early morning. 3ally !as !akened by the barks of !ild dogs more clamorous than usual, the cro!ing cocks that never seemed to !ait for da!n. 3he had opened the !indo!s !ide to make sense of the commotion, hearing the crickets and the frogs croaking nearby. But it seemed the !hole to!n !as a!ake. And then she heard the !ailing, the unmistakable high+pitched plaintive sound. 3he kne! at once a disaster had hit this close+knit community. )here !as no obvious obstacle the car might have hit, no second car involved. )he road on either side !as edged by barren soil as flat as the tarmac road. But the chassis !as ske!ed across the edge, ine@plicably. 3aad had said nothing, perhaps he kne!, perhaps he guessed !hat must have happened. *or 3ally it remained a mystery, a memory charged !ith startling inclusion in the overall sadness. 3he had felt the loss as though it !as a loss of someone close, though she had not kno!n him. 2t had bound her up !ith the community > and no! they !ere leaving that behind. =n one level, it made no sense at all to be leaving. =n another there !as no choice. 3he often asked herself ho! it !as that this different place had become so special to them both. Ho! it !as that life there seemed lived at a higher pitch. )heir stay had not been planned as permanent, but it had ended up as something more than a casual so?ourn, not easy to detach themselves from. /espite her limited freedom, she had gro!n to love it for its difference, its character born of its uni;ue location. )here !as more to

discover than there had been time for. 2t !as an unfinished pro?ect, a dream in her head. Al Baitha !as a small to!n in the highlands east of Benghazi. 2t had once been a key meeting place for commerce, perhaps still !as. 2t !as a niche !here old and ancient trade routes met and crossed. 2t !as part of a !ider net!ork of connections all around, across and through the 3ahara. :ore recently it !as the capital city under the late and dethroned 3enoussi Bing 2dris. At the time of its elevation to administrative capital, there !ere ;uaint stories of camels poking their heads through the !indo!s of the council chambers !here parliament met. )he habits of a desert life had lingered on to mingle !ith the ne! !ays of a semi+settled urban lifestyle. )he Bedouins hedged their bets and lived a life bet!een t!o mutually e@clusive options. /ifferent eras had met there, ancient and modern, and people !ere trying to forge a link bet!een the past and the present. 2t !as a place !here the past abided, and the present century could easily be dismissed as a giddy latecomer, yet to prove its !orth. Nearby !as the village of 3hahhat, nestled in the hills alongside the ancient Greek anti;uities of yrene, once devastated by an earth;uake. )he ruins that spread over the flank of a long hill faced the :editerranean 3ea. 2n 3ally"s memory, its sparkling sheen !as mirrored in the bright e@panse of air and land that lay before it. 3o much space the lungs could breathe more generously. *urther to the east the coastal road reached 3usa and beyond to )obruk. *urther still !as /erna. 3usa"s 2talianate municipal buildings stood back from the ruins of Apollonia and the inland sea, a bathing pool guarded by the pinnacle rocks, kno!n as leopatra"s Needle. yrenaica !as a green and fertile stretch from the coast to the desert, its lush terrain lured the ancient Greeks and #omans, and in recent times 2talian colonizers. $hat fi@ed yrenaica as an enigma in 3ally"s recollections !as a !alk in yrene. 2t !as a day of free roaming, so rare at the time, of !arm sun and a strange kind of very pleasant !eariness that came !ith being heavily pregnant !ith Neda, her second child. 3he had stopped for respite, !hile 3aad had

taken Nizar on the more demanding climb up the incline to the arched caverns that housed the ancient !ater system. 3he had sat on the steps of a temple, before her the vie! of the baths lined !ith a mosaic of !hat she imagined to be lapis lazuli perhaps, at least a stunning blue that held her attention so that she !ould never forget it. #efreshed a little, she had carried on to e@plore further afield, on her o!nA another sense of freedom. 3he had picked her !ay through the grid of rock+stre!n streets that mapped the urban centre. 3he !as dra!n on to e@plore even further, attracted by the sound of an animal, obviously in pain. 2t seemed to come from belo! the amphitheatre. )he ground there had slipped a!ay from the theatre"s boundary, no doubt in a flash flood. But stone steps had been lodged into the soft earth descending into the lo!er land at the foot of the landslip. 2t !as something like a little glen made of young saplings. )here, in the shade of an olive tree, lay the suffering creature > a camel, lying prone on its side in a foetal pose. 3omeone had built a protective pen around it, a lo! !all made of anti;ue stones. 3aad had said the creature !as comatose. He thought the camel had most likely eaten the silver leaf of sylphium, or drias, its Greek name. He had heard about it from Bedouin camel herders. 2t !as a highly to@ic plant, to be avoided at all costs. He could not be sure that this !as the case since the Bedouin had told him the plant !as rare, probably e@tinct > they had tried to eradicate it from their pastures to protect their herds. oma could lead to death, as, if the animal failed to rouse in time, it !ould starve to death, or die of thirst. )here !as no kno!n antidote, e@cept for the camel to have eaten the yello! flo!ers in the previous spring before the plant turned silver. CA prophylactic,E 3aad had said, musing on the fact that the Bedouin must have discovered for themselves this scientific principle, a !isdom !hich !as part of their o!n inherited tradition, long before modern medicine had invented vaccines. )here !as admiration in his voice as he spoke about it. He said he !ould like to search for the plant and rediscover it, since perhaps after all it !as perhaps not e@tinct. But

nothing could be done for a camel once into@icated. )he camel"s o!ner must only !ait and hope. CBi yithan Allah, the camel is in God"s hands,E 3aad had said as he led 3ally up to the amphitheatre. CBi yithan Allah.E And so her memory of that short+lived happiness !as sullied !ith misgivings, misgivings that she kne! she must e@tend to the brutal purpose of the amphitheatre itself, the sadistic fights and cruel deaths enacted there so long ago, against a backdrop of bloodthirsty roars of human approval and ?ubilation. )he moans of the camel still reached her and came to symbolise the pathos of the place. *rom that time on, it !as impossible to think of yrene !ithout remembering the camel"s moan. 3ally"s memories of their home in Al Baitha !ere tenacious too, for different reasons. )hey had left so much behind. Her portfolio of dra!ings !as irreplaceableA 3aad"s library of books, including some she kne! !ere banned > they !orried herA her o!n books, especially 0aul Blee"s )hinking <ye in t!o heavy volumes. And there !ere the more sentimental things, gifts they had been given, like the t!o purple velvet fish embroidered !ith se;uins and Bedouin glass beads. 3he had hung them on the children"s beds for protection from the evil eye, not out of any real belief in superstition > more because they symbolised a kindness. )he ordinary task of straightening the children"s pillo!s, or sharpening their pencils !ere constant triggers of a lingering nostalgia. 2f she reached for a book no longer there to refer to, she could see it in her mind"s eye ?ust !here she had left it, ?utting for!ards for easy discovery. But more often than she could account for, nostalgia took her back to that acute sense of outsider helplessness, !hen 3aad had declared the camel"s fate !as in the hands of God. )here !as nothing to be done, that !as !hat he had meant. Libya had come to mean for her a be!ildering fusion of beauty and suffering that could not be helped. 2t !as impossible to convey this sense to anyone around her, not friends or family. 2t !as an understanding that isolated her. 3he discovered that to most people Libya !as a closed

book, little kno!n or understood and thought to be of no great conse;uence. Her stories made little impact or sense in the telling. Libya !as obscure, located some!here in North Africa along the coast, or maybe in the Levant, for it !as often confused !ith Lebanon. 3he had al!ays to e@plain its !orthiness of attention. But it !as impossible to garner much interest beyond a fe! simple facts. 2ts geography !as a contradictory mi@ of presumed barren desert and a rarely+ mentioned narro! but fertile coastal strip. 2nterest in this largely unkno!n state !as limited to t!o periodsI a current fascination !ith its military leader and the desert conflicts of the !ar years. )he olonel"s bloodless coup !as much romanticised in the $estern media, so easily distracted by his eccentric and entertaining behaviour, and increasingly celebrated by an international follo!ing that kne! little of his domestic policies. =nce a monarchy, no! republic, Libya !as, in $estern eyes, e@otic > not a term 3ally liked to use. )hose !ho travelled there for commercial reasons !ere mainly charmed by the notion of a Bedouin commander briefing from his tent, !ith his camel tethered to a tent peg. )hey !ere enthralled by the chance of a little of his aura transferring to themselves, perhaps. )he rest of !hat might constitute Libya, apart from its oil reserves, !as nothing of much interest, e@cept to the rare intrepid traveller. #eeling the camera back!ards t!enty years or more, follo!ing the end of the 3econd $orld $ar, the pages of history, it seemed, had indeed closed themselves shut. )he pro?ect that !as Libya !as in stasis, or so it seemed. *or $ar veterans, it !as still remembered as the arena for a gruelling campaign, a place of e@treme endurance they !ere glad to have survived. <ven for this tested generation it !as difficult, almost impossible, to convey to the ne@t the rigours of a desert skirmish > the interminable forays to and fro, the horror of being becalmed in a sand sea by desert storm or lack of fuel. )hey at least kne! ho! the desert !as not a place of romance, that it !ould more !illingly bury you than offer refuge.

3ally herself kne! nothing of the desert. )here !as time enough on the long road to Benghazi to contemplate this disappointing fact. As the road took them further a!ay and dropped do!n from the hills to the plain, and along the plain to the shanty to!n suburbs, 3ally committed to memory her sense of !hat !as being lost, made up of all the things she might never see, or never see again. 3he kne! of, but had never seen, the sno!y mountain peaks further south, no! left far behind them. 3uch distant places !ere to become ghosts in her imagination, detailed only by 3aad"s recounting of his outreach !ork in Bedouin encampments. )here !as much to cherish about his stories, like the ne! understandings he had reached bridge+building !ith the Bedouin tribes, the gazelle hunts he had been unable to avoid. )here !ere the times !hen he had stayed over and kept company !ith tribal leaders sipping hot mint tea, !rapped in a camelhair blanket, talking through the cold night. )he blanket !as another gift they had left behind. 2t !as there in her mental store of everything that had once been theirs. Although 3ally had not made it to the desert, she had at least discovered other places in the limestone hills that !ere scored through here and there !ith caves. 3he remembered ho! Nizar had once run through them and out to the other side laughing at the idea of a sky momentarily lost and then found, a sort of grand scale hide and seek. 3aad had sho!n them the cave reputed to be the one #ommel had hidden in during the last !ar. =ther times in spring they had made picnics !ith 3aad"s parents on flo!er+covered hillsides, and !andered through fertile !adi farms !ith almond trees in blossom and fields of fa!n rabbits basking in the sun. )hey had collected !ild artichokes and eaten pomegranate and !alnut desserts !ith friends, and tanour bread dipped in butter ghee. Libya !as full of good memories. it !as not at all an empty place. Nor could it be an empty place, she mused, !hen engineers prospected for precious resources. )he idea of a desert being an empty place !as, she thought, a screen fabricated for reasons she could not fathom. #easons that !ere best not to ponder. *or no!, there !as only one kind of

information 3ally longed for, hungered for. 3he needed ne!s of 3aad. Ne!s from Libya !as beginning to trickle out. )here had been vague reports for some time of political unrest. :ore of its detail had come to the fore in recent ne!sflashes. )here !ere reports of e@ploration for oil resources hidden beneath the 3ahara in places that !ould inevitably revive old tensions !ith neighbouring countries. )here !ere fre;uent clashes at the border bet!een Libya and had, a frontier riddled !ith all the dangers associated !ith a frontier. <uropean po!ers !ere keen to defend had in the long+standing dispute over sovereignty of the Aouzou 3trip and the map of the 3ahara !as coming under close scrutiny. Gaddafi, the olonel no! at the helm of his country, !as seeking e@pansion into the 3ahel and had sent his forces to defend an old claim to this territory. His attempts at anne@ation !ere making headline ne!s. And there !ere other conflicts in the region, !ith some aspects bre!ing inside Libya itself. A civilian plane bound for <gypt had left )ripoli, stopping over at Benghazi briefly before it lost its !ay and fle! into 2sraeli airspace. 2sraeli forces shot it do!n, after !arnings !ere not heeded. )roubled negotiations bet!een nations added fuel to the internal unrest occasioned by grieving families and their unmet demands for compensation from the Libyan government. )he ne!s came in fragments, obscure enough to hide the looming dangers. 3ally had risen early as she did most mornings, some time before the children did, partly to prepare for the day but also for the necessary ;uiet for listening to the radio. 2t had to be the earliest broadcast for information on Libya since Libya !as likely to drop out of later ne!scasts. 3he !as making coffee, listening to the !eather forecast > Coutlook !arm and dry !ith above average temperatureE for the time of year. :ay !as often a time of indecision about appropriate clothing, she remembered. 3he !ould stick !ith !inter clothing. 3he !as not ready in any case for the summer. Ho! easily she let her mind !ander to the smaller preoccupations of her life. 2n fact, she didn"t !ant to make herself ready. )here !as no money for

ne! clothes for gro!ing children. 2t !as easier to hang on to the prevaricating present, harking back to !inter !hen 3aad had still been !ith them. $hile the coffee percolated, <va"s letter came to mind. 3omething she had missed no! !orried her. <va had mentioned arrests, her o!n husband"s but not 3aad"s specifically. Hopefully 3aad"s !as not implied. But she had hinted at it in a guarded !ayI 2 am here on my o!n. 2t is same as you. =ut of our apartment they locked me !hen they took Abdul. 2 !ill stay and !ait for him. He needs me, like 3aad needs you. )here !as nothing certain, nothing clear enough to kno! for sure. )he ne!s gave no confirmation of the internal situation apart from a report on peaceful demonstrations in Benghazi from a correspondent based in )ripoli. )here !as no viable opposition to the regime of the Cidealistic young officer !ho had staged a bloodless coup only four years earlierE. Not a military dictatorship, she noted, not a police state. An Cidealistic young officerE. Ges, she nodded, and remembered her o!n e@citement !hen she had stood ?ust yards a!ay from the podium on the plaza belo! the monument to =mar :ukhtar, the famed Bedouin leader !ho had led the rebellion against 2talian colonialism and !as e@ecuted after a long and heroic campaign. No! a young and handsome officer had taken the reins. )he cro!ds, all men, apart from a coterie of !omen around the young officer, had been ecstatic. 2dealistic and idealised, she added, for her o!n silent commentary, as the foreign correspondent continuedI C... the olonel, Leader or Guide as he is kno!n to his people, has cracked do!n severely on !hat !as a peaceful demonstration. )here are reports of casualties, numbers not yet kno!n.E 3o Benghazi !as in turmoil. 3ally felt her skin go cold. )he risk had been real, and the political situation graver than she had imagined. No! she understood that a complete stranger, herself ;uite vulnerable, had been brave enough to take a risk !riting a letter > something very serious had compelled her.

3ally sat in the bay !indo!, !here the sun !as streaming in !ithout her feeling its !armthA she felt the fine hairs on the back of her neck rise !ith a sudden chill. 3he e@amined the letter !ith a ne! understanding. <va"s hand !as <uropean, though not <nglish in style. But she had already guessed she !as <uropean from the name and her small grammatical errors. )he hand!riting itself !as fluent and looked confident. 2t seemed honest or frank, if it !as possible to assign such human ;ualities to a style of hand!riting. 0erhaps it !as a little harsh in its vertical strokes but this !as being overcritical, a trick of bias. $ho could say for sure !hat kind of motive had moved <va to !riteD 3aad"s family must have provided the address. 0ossibly it !as a message from them asking her to bring the children home, as they !ould see itA and <va had !ritten to console a grieving mother out of duty, under social pressure. )he address !as not !ritten by <va. 2t looked like a hesitant attempt at an unfamiliar script. )he scribe had laboured over it. But !hy the changeD )o deflect attention from <va, perhapsD )he a!k!ard scra!l on the envelope starting !ith 3ally"s name !as so near the top of the envelope that it !as partly concealed by the date stamp. 2t !ould have been the perfect decoy, this child"s uncertain hand. 3ally found some comfort in the thought that <va might be someone she could turn to after all. But there !as something other than friendship implied in her letter. 3he had provided crucial information on arrests, not reported before today as far as 3ally kne!. No!, the ne!sflash confirmed it. 0risoners had been taken from the cro!d of peaceful demonstrators. And 3ally had a name. )he story !anted passing on, and, the telling of it had fallen to her. )he letter had not re;uired an ans!er > it had demanded action.