LIEUTENANT POTATO

runnerag for /r/screenwriting "Write-Off, Write-Now" 4/30/2014

EXT. POTATO FARM - DAY A vast field, under a gray sky. Farmers toil at the ground with shovels and hoes. A BLACK JEEP drives down a dirt road through the field. It has tinted windows and a skull-and-crossbones insignia engraved on the hood. INT. JEEP - DAY LIEUTENANT SERGEI (30's), a smug-looking Russian military man, stares out the window. His uniform boasts a large badge, the design matching the insignia on the jeep's exterior. Next to him sits PRIVATE BORIS (early 20's), a wide-eyed and eager sort, with a similar uniform to Sergei - without the badges, of course. They speak in Russian. SERGEI Do you see this, Boris? It is truly magnificent. BORIS Looks like a potato farm, sir. Sergei turns to Boris, grins. SERGEI You'll learn soon, private. EXT. POTATO FARM - DAY The jeep slows to a stop. The doors slam open. Sergei exits, walks toward a LOITERING FARMER. Boris steps out behind him, but does not follow. BORIS Lieutenant, why did we stop? Sergei pulls a small metal disk out of his pocket - again, carrying the skull-and-crossbones flair. He shows it to the farmer. The farmer nods and walks away. Sergei looks over his shoulder. Beckons. Boris looks around. No one else nearby. He hurries after Sergei and the farmer. INT. UNDERGROUND BASE, CENTRAL HUB - DAY A cavernous structure, dimly lit and filled with corridors in all directions. A ladder built into the wall leads to a heavy steel portal in the ceiling.

2. The portal opens. Sergei climbs down, followed by Boris. They reach the bottom. BORIS Sir, what is this place? Sergei looks around, grinning like a fool. SERGEI My new charge, private. My ticket to favor. TWO WORKERS walk by, wheeling massive cannisters on dollies. The cannisters sport the same logo as Sergei's badge. SERGEI (CONT'D) (nodding at the workers) All of our potato exports are treated here. And I'm in charge now. He walks toward a corridor at a brisk pace. Boris hurries to follow. INT. UNDERGROUND BASE, CORRIDOR - DAY The two men walk down a narrow, crudely built hallway. BORIS Treated? SERGEI You will learn more soon. You show promise. They reach a door with skull-and-crossbones symbols painted across the astragal above it. Sergei rests his fingers on the handle, looks at Boris. SERGEI (CONT'D) You show promise, private Boris. I was in your shoes not long ago. Look where I am now! He opens the door and walks into the adjoining room. INT. UNDERGROUND BASE, CONTROL ROOM - DAY Monitoring equipment lines the room, chairs scattered around, all monitors turned off. Sergei looks around, confused. Boris enters behind him. BORIS Sir, why is nobody here?

3. ROMANOV (O.S.) Good question, private. Sergei and Boris both turn, startled. GENERAL ROMANOV (50), a stern and decorated military man, sits in a chair in the corner of the room. Both men immediately salute. ROMANOV (CONT'D) At ease. He stands. In one hand, he holds a crumpled piece of paper in the other, a large potato. ROMANOV (CONT'D) Have you heard the news, Lieutenant Sergei? Sergei looks uneasy. He shakes his head. Romanov walks over, hands the paper over. Sergei takes it, uncrumples it, reads. His hands tremble. ROMANOV (CONT'D) That's right. We're on "the list". They know. So much for secrecy in your department. SERGEI B-but sir, I have only been in charge for a week...I could not have-Romanov SMACKS him across the temple with the potato. Sergei stumbles to the ground. Romanov kneels next to him, whispers in his ear. ROMANOV You are clearly not management material, Lieutenant. Sergei starts to get up. Romanov winds back and PUMMELS him with the potato again. Sergei drops to the ground, out cold. The general stands up, looks at Boris. ROMANOV (CONT'D) What is your name, private? Boris opens and closes his mouth a couple times. BORIS Buh...Boris. Sir.

4. Romanov grabs Boris's wrist, pulls his hand toward him, shoves the potato into his palm. ROMANOV Do not make the same mistake as your predecessor, Lieutenant Boris. The general leaves the room. Sergei twitches on the ground. Boris stares at the bloodied potato. FADE OUT.