Twizzlers and Hockey Cards

by Justin Ludwig

3095 words Justin Ludwig

This is what I remember about oberton! that weekend" it was a small town with no #lashing lights$ %e&d been there be#ore! either #or early morning 'ractices or (ust in 'assing! and it was #amiliar! like any o# the myriad o# towns e)a'orating o## o# *askatchewan&s mighty 'lain$ The 'eo'le there all seemed to wear the same smile and muted! lazy church clothes$ There was one )ery general store that sold (ust enough to get 'eo'le by day+to+day! and one restaurant that was attached to the gas station$ It was (ust called The estaurant, it didn&t need a s'icier name because it had no com'etition$ %e would eat break#ast with my grand'arents there on morning dri)es across the 'rairie, gra)y+slathered cutlets were under #i)e dollars and came with three sides$ There were )inyl tablecloths and )inyl seats and )inyl in the (ukebo-! still$ .othing mo)ed )ery /uickly in town! maybe because it didn&t ha)e to$ It was a community built around dying #arms and 'ee+wee hockey$ 0amilies would come out to tournaments they weren&t in)ol)ed in! (ust to be there$ 1)en old men in #aded! #laccid %heat 2ool ca's 3 their own children grown u' and mo)ed on 3 would stand in cold bleachers and watch us 'lay$ They cheered! as though it meant something$ That weekend! the weekend o# the 4H5 6alentine&s tournament! it was as i# Lord *tanley himsel# had dro''ed onto this tiny world something monumental$ 4y #ather and I were always early, that 'articular *aturday I really #elt it$ 7ur #orty minute car tri' began at e-actly 8"00 54 and was mostly silent$ %e listened to the oldies station on the way, I ha)e a strange memory o# 9*o Ha''y Together: tugging at my eyelids as though they were im'ossibly hea)y curtains! while tele'hone 'oles 'assed the truck so /uickly that they became a #lickering nuisance on the otherwise tran/uil 'rairie .othing$ ;uring that car ride my #ather s'oke to me brie#ly! and #or the #irst time

about his own childhood$ %e were the #irst car in the lot and we 'arked ne-t to the side door! which still wore a hea)y chain$ 0or long minutes we heard an engine con)erse with the wind! and we waited$ The town&s 'o'ulation swelled by <"00 54$ The snow co)ering the #ew 'a)ed streets turned #rom white to the su##ocating brown o# snow in the city$ =y that time the rink already smelled o# sweat and co##ee and rubber and ice! that great hockey rink smell$ ;ads in brown and black (ackets shared laughs! themsel)es giddy des'ite the hour! while 4oms with buttons on their coats gossi'ed$ I was 'ulled aside$ 9I want you to shoot today! okay> I don&t care i# it&s not the 'er#ect shot! i# you don&t ha)e the right angle?there&s no reason to be a#raid o# shooting the 'uck$ That&s the whole 'oint o# the game right>: He ga)e a cold chuckle$ 9Let&s see some goals today$: I nodded and hea)ed the neon+red monstrosity that housed my e/ui'ment o)er my shoulder$ The weight #rom the bag nearly took me back down onto the rubber along with it! and #or a moment I lost gri' on my stick$ I turned without saying anything and shu##led to the locker room while my dad took his 'lace with the others$ The locker room itsel# had cement walls! crudely 'ainted white and blue! and was lit by buzzing #luorescents$ The room made it #eel earlier than it was by im'osing on us a mature degree o# discom#ort! the kind that 'eo'le with res'onsibilities ty'ically had to endure$ =ut we didn&t care$ It was noisy already! in the still+black morning" ten year+old boys with greasy mo's and no su'er)ision 3 these were my #a)orite times$ I took a s'ot ne-t to 4att! the loudest kid in the world! my #riend! my brother$ 9Hey@:

9 yyyyyyyy+annnnnn$ ;i(ou guys (ust get here> 5ren&t you usually su'er+ early>: 9Aeah! we got here (ust now!: I lied$ 9;i(ou ha)e break#ast yet>: 9.ot really$ I had a granola bar$: 9;oes that mean you&re going to the estaurant a#ter this game> BCause we are$: 9%ho&s going>: 94e! =en! maybe 5ndrew$: 9%ho do we 'lay #irst>: 9The *harks!: 5ndrew called out as he was wra''ing black ta'e around the butt o# his stick! which looked new$ 9They suck!: 4att stated! then laughed$ 9%ho do we 'lay i# we win>: 9I think it&s a ound obin$: 9I wanna win 5 side this time$: 9I&m gonna get a hatrick$: 9I think we 'lay the =isons$: 9%e better not go to = side$: 9Is there gonna be 5ll+*tars>: 9&Cay! #irst line better be me! you and John+2aul$: It all became one caco'honous stream! growing louder and tougher the more suited #or battle we became! red and black mesh stretched across 'ounds o# 'lastic and

#oam$ 7ur coach! 4r$ Hunter! came in (ust be#ore it was time to warm u' on the ice$ He wore sweat 'ants and a mustache! and s'oke with a 'rodding rhythm$ 90irst line" Hunter! iley! Lukowski! second" 4cIntyre! Cnowles! 0ink$ I want 7leson and Datulski u' #irst on ;$ .ow I don&t want to see any drag+asses out there today$ *kate! that&s what we&re here #or! get in the corners! take the 'uck$ 5nd shoot! I want to see tons o# shots today$ Attack the goalie$ Eood> 5lright! let&s get out there$ =rad! lead the circles$: 5nd we were o##$

4y mom wasn&t at the game, she worked on *aturdays at a #lower sho' in the mall$ *he wished me luck the night be#ore! and #illed my belly with s'aghetti so that I would be 9#ired u': in the morning$ 9%hy would s'&getti make me #ired u'>: 9&Cause! yan! it has carbohydrates! and those stick to your ribs$: *he was smiling again! her cheeks still red and 'u##y #rom earlier$ I always made her smile, I #elt like I owed it to her$ Her round! chea' glasses were s'eckled with dust and water marks! skewering slightly the #lesh around her right eye! where 'ur'le was gi)ing way to cigarette+stain yellow$ 4y dad was out #or the night! so it was (ust the two o# us$ %e were both in sweat 'ants, her hair! the same red as mine! #ell #rom a scrunchie into the hood o# her sweatshirt$ 9%hat&s it gonna be tonight>: 9Aou wanna watch a mo)ie>: 9&Cay! but no more Ghostbusters! hon$ %e&)e watched it twenty times$:

9=+9 I was going to com'lain that I wanted to watch it again! but she looked tired! so I mo)ed to the T6 stand and 'icked Weird Science$ 9I thought you didn&t like this mo)ie$: 9.o! I do$:

There always seemed to be a mist o)er the ice that early in the morning! like it was kissing back$ 5nd what music we made together! the scra'ing! the sla''ing! the ssshhhhhh o# it all$ It was so casual in its rhythm! yet so abru't and so 'er#ect$ 5s soon as I got onto the #resh ice I skated as #ast as I could to the #arthest corner o# the rink! so that I could be the #irst one to disru't its 'er#ect sur#ace! lea)ing my own indelible mark in the #luid streaks o# white that trailed each skate$ 5ll lethargy was gone! instead re'laced by the kind o# s'astic adrenaline that thri)es in the cold$ The #eeling was diminished only slightly when I became aware o# my #ather in the stands! in 'osition by himsel# des'ite the #act that the game didn&t start #or another hal# an hour$ He was alone, the other ;ads were inside! still drinking co##ee and talking about their garages$ =ut he was there! watching me$ I ke't skating but sto''ed laughing$

I ne)er cared enough about winning$ That became ob)ious to me at a young age$ 7ther kids built their entire identities around 5+side tro'hies or their high scores on Mario Bros. 3$ .ot me$ I wanted to win! it was more #un than losing! ob)iously$ =ut the %in ne)er #elt like it was something I controlled, I tried! and I skated well! but I was ne)er the di##erence between a win and a loss$ There were other! better 'layers that made that decision$

I was (ust as ha''y 'laying shinny with mini+sticks and rolled+u' socks in *hawn Hunter&s basement$ 9I&m Lindros! Bkay>: 9.u+uh! you can&t be! you&re the Hawks$: 9.o way! I&m the Lea#s$: 9Aer dead$: I scored a lot o# goals in that basement$ There were times I #elt untouchable! like the 'uck was an e-tension o# a stick that was an e-tension o# my own arm! my own being$ There was a 'urity in our lo)e o# hockey at that time, it was #un that was #ree #rom consciousness$ I sho)ed sandwiches into my #ace a#ter the games and we watched Indiana Jones well into the night$ I was watching The Pink Panther when my dad told me I was 'laying 4H5 House League hockey in the #all$ I was eight! and most o# the other kids had been in leagues since kindergarten$ He bound down the car'eted basement stairs! smiling and carrying a red (ersey$ There was a bag o# new e/ui'ment in the garage$ 9*o that means we&re goin to be hittin the rink a lot more! eh>: 9Aeah$: 9%hat> 5ren&t you e-cited>: He smiled and sat down beside me$ 5 big thick 'aw rested on my shoulder$ 9Aeah$ Totally$: 5nd I was$ I wra''ed my arms around his wide! lum'y #rame and buried my head in his chest until he started mussing u' my hair! and I 'ulled away laughing$

=e#ore hockey! I was hea)ily in)ol)ed in com'etiti)e skiing! with the hottest gear and races e)ery weekend$ That all began a#ter watching the Calgary 7lym'ics and being #ascinated by the skiers$ %ithin a month! my #ather had s'ent thousands on e/ui'ment and it was all we talked about$ There were lessons and com'etitions, I was relie)ed because it seemed to take some o# the 'ressure o## o# baseball in the s'ring! now that I was going to be a great 7lym'ic skier$ =ut I ne)er won any races$ In #act I was only an ade/uate skier at best! and I had trouble turning$ 5#ter another big Loss my #ather com'lained to the league about the un#air di)isions and une)en 'laying #ield, I ha)en&t been on skis since$ Instead! like the changing o# seasons! our house turned /uickly #rom skiing to hockey! and we went all the way$ I used to buy hockey cards at gas stations and grocery stores when I could! along with Twizzlers and ockets and Coke$ There was a decent collection in my bedroom! which I would lay out on the car'et to admire$ =y the #all! I was enrolled in two di##erent hockey schools$ 4y #ather acted as though I had been born into it! that this had been my li#e&s destiny all along$ He too had a great role to #ill$

The game started well, =en scored within minutes$ 7ur chests 'u##ed out and we cheered! shouted and sla''ed each other on the helmet$ I skated as hard as I could when I #irst got onto the ice! made a #ew good stick+checks! and carried the 'uck across two lines be#ore making a solid 'ass to 4att! who lost the 'uck behind the net$ The other team looked smaller and meeker than we did! 'articularly in teal uni#orms$ I scored the second goal o# the game with thirty seconds le#t in the second 'eriod$ I was in the right 'lace at the right time! really" gra''ling with a wide de#enseman in

#ront o# the net when the 'uck dribbled u' to us #rom the corner$ I (ust ha''ened to get my stick on the ice #irst, any later and it would ha)e been #ired down the ice by the other 'layer$ =ut I caught it with my stick! and sli''ed it through the goalie&s legs while his own de#ense blocked his )iew$ The crowd eru'ted! so did my #ather$ He cheered so hard that I resented scoring the goal$ I looked at him #rom the bench, he was nodding at me$ I nodded /uickly back and then leaned u' against the boards to watch the #inal #ew seconds o# the 'eriod with my #riends$

Hockey ;ads are a breed a'art, somehow! e)erything else in their world becomes distant$ The clichF e-ists #or a reason" he had a ed %ings ca' that was 'robably as old as me that rested ato' his thinning hair! #ore)er bent by sweat and useless nights at the rink$ He could barely e)en skate himsel#$ He tried! I&ll gi)e him that much$ =ut he wore winter boots #or most o# the training that I endured on the *t$ 2eter&s outdoor rink$ It was more a lesson in com'etiti)e des'eration than anything$ 9I am skating@: 9 ike. !ou. Mean it.: 1)entually! I ga)e u' trying$ 5t #irst! I really wanted to do well! make him ha''y$ I skated like hell! and 'racticed wrist shots in the basement$ =ut gradually! I began to re)el in #ailing to li)e u' to e-'ectations$ There was a sick thrill in watching my dad #umble about the ice in Codeaks! his breath a stark white cloud in the dark night! yelling at me as though it hurt! or was 'rodding me on$ It was s'ite that chiseled underachie)ement into my small! unde)elo'ed sel#! strange wisdom #or a child$

7# course! I still #eared him$ .ot the way my mom #eared him, I knew he wouldn&t hit me$ I got to know his sorry a#tershock as well as I knew that terrible sound! the sound o# aggression and whim'ering and cracking and 'leading$ He would take me out #or dri)es! his #ace still red$ They were mostly silent! like our dri)es to the rink$

The *harks scored two #ast goals in the early stages o# the third 'eriod$ It took us all by sur'rise! 'articularly 4r$ Hunter! who had 'robably already boasted about his team&s guaranteed 5+side 'osition to the other smoking dads o)er the zambonie break$ 5t once! there was a 'anic about our bench" e)eryone was on their #eet! and it all meant something$ %e skated and we #ought! but the 'eriod drew nearer and nearer to conclusion without a )ictor$ I was ne)er 'laced on the 'ower line$ %e all knew that line! it was Hunter! iley and Lukowski! but my goal in the second must ha)e 'ut me in some ;i)ine light! because with the clock reading GH"I5 I took the ice with 4att and *hawn #or the game&s #inal #ace+o## in enemy territory$ I was along the boards, the brute lined u' against me looked ready to kill! but as soon as 4att #ired the 'uck back to ob I was well 'ast him! rounding the net$ ob held

onto the 'uck #or a while! long enough to draw two o# the *harks& o##ence towards him be#ore #iring o## to =rad! who was in the clear on the boards against the bleachers$ =y this 'oint I had circled the net and was in 'osition in #ront! gra''ling with the de#enseman! waiting #or the 'uck to hit the 'ocket$ The clock read G9"G3 when I looked u' #or an instant$

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The 'uck hit the 'ocket but was kicked away by the same blonde de#enseman I was locked into$ It sailed most o# the way down the ice! nearing our own blue line$ I hung my head$ =ut ob grabbed it! and at once the 'uck became a #luid e-tension o# his own stick! his own being$ He wo)e through o''osition until he #ound himsel# at centre ice! when our eyes met$ =y that 'oint I was against the boards! but alone$ The 'uck hit my stick with a tender crack! and I looked u' at the world around me$ 1)erything slowed to a blurry stutter$ I was almost alone, there was but one lumbering de#enseman skating awkwardly between me and the net$ There was (ust a 'uck on my stick! cho''y ice! and a net$ 0or a #leeting moment! I #elt untouchable$ I looked again and saw my #ather&s #ace in stands$ I knew how much it meant to him, his son was about to score the game+winning goal$ I knew how he cra)ed this moment! and I knew how he would #eel$ There was nothing but the sound o# aggression and whim'ering and cracking and 'leading$ I shot wide$ There was a colossal moan #rom the stands! He swore$ I ke't my head down and skated #or the bench$ I didn&t say much #or the rest o# game, there was nothing I cou"d say$ I (ust tried to kee' #rom laughing$ *he couldn&t hit back! but I could$ The *harks scored within minutes o# 7)ertime$ I think we won the C side tro'hy$

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In the truck! crossing the black morning 'rairie at 8"JJ a$m$! my #ather looked out o)er the highway and said 9I&m not sure i# I e)er really 'ushed you like I should&)e$ %hen I was younger! I woulda lo)ed to ha)e your o''ortunity! to ha)e the chance to 'lay like this$ I ne)er e)en 'layed hockey! mysel#$ =asketball was?well! you seen the 'ictures$ It&s too bad you ne)er got into basketball there$ Those classes were e-'ensi)e$ =ut that&s what I mean! I&m not sure i# you e)er got 'u 3 aw Jesus Christ! why ha)en&t they cleared this> Eodamnit? %hat was I saying> Erab me a smoke$ *ee! a game like this though! I can&t (ust 'ush you! you gotta 'ush yoursel#$ It&s su''osed to be #un! remember> It&s not #un to lose$ %hen I was your age I was 'ushing mysel# e)ery day to get better$ 4y dad wouldn&t ha)e 'ut u' with any ass+dragging #rom me! that&s #or sure$ I want you to skate today$ I dunno$ 4aybe i# your mother ga)e a damn$ *he&s 'robably a lot o# the reason #or you not being )ery?moti)ated$: 5nd I watched the #rozen morning lay still! at 'eace$ It went on and on and on! like it was also reaching #or something that wasn&t there$ 4y #ather&s words hung like stones in the air$ There were huge ga's between them! as he 'u##ed #rom his ;u4aurier or looked contem'tuously at the same still morning that I so longed to esca'e to$ It #elt as though he was being as honest with me as he&d e)er been! in my whole li#e$ 5nd I wanted to hurt him$

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