Donnie Darko Monologue.

Ever wanted to know what taking drugs is like? Donnie Darko will do the job.
It’s about a troubled teenager who is, let’s be real, a major bitch. One day he
wakes up on a golf course and a demon bunny tells him the world will end in
28 days, and Donnie’s like “… ok then!” – he goes back home to find his room
has been crushed by a plane engine.
Seemingly unaffected by all this, Donnie goes back to his day to day life -
abusing teachers and a paedophile Patrick Swayze (a local celebrity/ Sparkle
motion superfan). Donnie meets a love interest with a long-ass G-name- she
likes him because he’s edgy and unstable.
During this time, the bunny keeps appearing and telling Donnie to do errands
for him. Donnie floods the school, burns down the kiddie fiddler’s house, and
something else I’m forgetting- shitting on his neighbour’s lawn, something like
that.
Oh, and soon Donnie figures out time travel’s involved- duh. Some crazy old
lady grabs him, she happens to be a great physicist gone cuckoo. Donnie tells
his therapist everything, she’s tired of his bull but likes being paid- she
hypnotises Donnie and he takes his trousers down (luckily Swayze wasn’t
around.)
Soon it’s 28 days later and the zombies are out- it’s Halloween. Considering the
end of the world’s coming, Donnie’s pretty calm. At a party he follows a weird
chest portal around, it leads him to G-name’s stomach and suddenly he wants
to go to the crazy old lady’s basement.
They open the old-lady’s cellar door only to find Seth Rogen and a guy with a
mullet robbing the place. Seth Rogen plays a loud jerk, so he didn’t have to act
much.
G-name is ran over by a speeding car during a fight. TWIST! The rabbit gets out
of the car, turns out it’s just a dude called Frank who can’t drive very well.
Donnie glocks the motherfucker in the eye and realises to save his girlfriend;
he must drive her body to a cliff, rip an engine from a plane with his mind, and
then he must send it back in time to crush himself. All while he laughs
maniacally in his bed.
Moral of the story- take your meds.
Shawshank Monologue
The depressing realities of the American legal system- the movie.
We follow Andy, a tall, kinda boring accountant, who is wrongly accused of
killing his wife.
With the silky smooth narration of God we see the ups and downs of prison
life, but Christ does it get dark- rape and old man suicide levels of dark.
Andy always has hope he’ll get out, and to pass the time he makes stone
figures with a rock hammer ( I told you he was kind of boring).
While he survives prison he tries to get more books for the prisoners. They’re
all like, “Andy you really don’t have to get us books, maybe games- quality of
life stuff-” and he’s like “What I’m hearing … is you want books.”
He annoys the state so much that they send him loads of money just to shut
him up- all for books, everyone’s ecstatic.
The library grows. Andy helps the guards, and they help him. Andy’s bum
starts to feel normal again.
Soon he’s committing fraud at the highest level and living a good life, he still
shows his rebellious side though- he plays music to the prisoners once! Again,
Andy’s a bit of a boring dude.
One day a young guy comes through the prison claiming he knows who killed
Andy’s wife. The warden loves Andy so doesn’t let the young guy go to court,
instead, he straight up murders him in the name of our lord and saviour ‘the
American dollar’, amen.
Andy soon realises he’s never escaping and gets depressed, he takes some
rope and goes to his cell. Finally he’s like every other accountant!
In the morning Andy’s disappeared! Not so boring anymore! Turns out he dug
a hole over 20 something years and crawled through poop to escape.
He sets up a new life using the wardens money and sends the police his way.
It’s a major victory, hope overcame adversity! And what does awesome Andy
do with his new life? He sets up a … boat company.