California
The Tribune
Volume DCLXVI, No. 66 March 19, 2008 75 cents
The Love of Craft
By H.P. Lovecraft
In welcome of our
zombie overlords
I was treated to a unique sight
upon looking out my window this
misty morning.
There, shuffling across the
dewy grass, was a creature.
It was an interesting creature,
indeed; its arms splayed in front of its
chest and its grotesque maw open in
a perpetual moan, it trudged forward
with a desperate need propelling it.
The creature was not alone.
There were also people running
from it in terror, fearful they would
be the next morsel in evil’s meal.
I, for one, welcome this.
I am not unfamiliar with the
desire driving these foulest of
creatures. When I was raised from
the dead many years ago, my first
action was to devour the brain
matter of the man who breathed life
into my still corpse once more.
It was unavoidable. There was
no choice in my mind but to give in
to my unruly passions.
I ate his brain, and it was
delicious.
This, like that unfortunate event,
is also unavoidable. The recent rash
of attacks by the undead will be a
seminal event in human history –
it shall be the only time the human
race has mattered even a trifle on the
cosmic scale.
What have we, as humans,
ever done that has mattered in the
universe?
We have yet to make contact
with extraterrestrial beings.
We have yet to construct means
of interstellar travel that could
feasibly take people beyond Mars
and back.
We cannot even populate planets
other than our cold, miserable
Earth.
Our history amounts to little
more than petty navel-gazing.
Even the reasoning behind
the zombie attacks is of little
importance. Undead authors wish to
punish the populace for its collective
entropy of the mind – it will do no
good. Ignorance and illiteracy is
unfortunately a common affliction
among the masses.
However, there is reason to see a
bright side to this madness: Namely,
creatures beyond description are
infesting our everyday lives. The
unspeakable has dared to tread
where we constantly speak.
In other words, it is beginning.
The Old Ones are coming.
Yes, it seems a lofty leap to
make, but there can be no other
explanation for what we are seeing.
The dimensions of our existence are
beginning to break and shift; the
weird is seeping into the normal.
The Elder Gods are finally
ready to break free of their prisons
and take the land they abandoned
vigintillions of years ago. They
are prepared to rule our chaotic,
meaningless lives with the cold,
steel order of the universe.
There is only one way in which
we as a race of rational beings must
react to this turn of events.
We must not stand in fear of
this. Instead, we must welcome
it with open arms – we must first
embrace our zombie overlords in
greeting and then further promise to
serve the Old Ones to the fullest of
our capacity once they fully grasp
our puny planet deep within the
forsaken interior of their vacuous
maws.
Only then can we survive the
madness.
I hope you all make the correct
choice.
H.P. Lovecraft is a contributing
columnist to The Tribune California.
THE SNATCHERS ARE HERE
Actor Kevin McCarthy, famous for his role in
“Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” has proof of
the film’s truth. NEWS, Page A5
Serving the enlightened minds of Southern California since 1968.
Long dead literary figures rise from the grave and feast upon the flesh of living
souls all across America in a grim protest of society’s illiteracy – this is the ...
These are the first victims of the “Zombie Literati,” a group of deceased literary figures who have risen from the dead to seek vengeance upon the living for the disturbing wave
of illiteracy in society. The M.O. of the renegade authors is to bite everyday people and turn them into mindless zombies, exposing their idiocy to the world. (Below, left) Actor
Bruce Campbell is one of many celebrity freedom fighters combating the zombie horde. (Below, right) Richard Matheson, author of “I Am Legend,” has bit more than 500 people.
By Frank West
Staff Writer
I
t has been established that au-
thors who have recently died
have been returning to life and
committing acts of murder.
A widespread investigation of
funeral homes, morgues and hospi-
tals has concluded that the unburied
dead have been returning to life and
seeking human victims.
“Please do not panic,” said La
Puente Mayor Louie A. Lujan be-
fore he was torn apart by vicious
zombies. “Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghh-
hhhh!!!!”
The initial wave of zombies
lurched through Southern California
March 12 and have been spreading
across the United States since then.
It was not known until recently that
the first zombies were a group of lit-
erary figures who had risen from the
grave to seek vengeance upon the
living.
This faction of undead writ-
ers named themselves the “Zombie
Literati” and have declared war on
what they see as a society of illit-
erates, said zombie leader Richard
Matheson in a news conference
Tuesday.
“Our battle will turn the citi-
zens of this planet into the mindless,
groaning creatures they already are
in spirit,” said Matheson, the author
Lords of the damned can’t believe it’s not blood
Hungry vampires turn
to name-brand plasma
due to high amounts
of cholesterol in their
normal food supply
By Count Orlock
Staff Writer
Randall Vamps has given up on
human beings.
He has sucked blood from a
paltry five people in the last ten years.
The dark rumors that surrounded
his apartment for two decades have
faded to a forgotten whisper.
For many years, he only drank
human blood when he had no other
alternative, because the heightened
amount of cholesterol infresting
human blood in the last few decades
have wreaked havoc upon the health
of many vampires, turning them
into fat, flabby shells of their former
selves.
Normally a vampire with such
a severe diet would lose most of its
power due to malnutrition.
“Sometimes I thought I might
actually die,” said Vamps, carefully
Night of the
Literati Dead
of “I Am Legend” who has bit more
than 500 people after being trans-
formed into a zombie by a hungry
Robert Bloch. “It’s a living meta-
phor. Too bad you didn’t study those
harder in high school, idiot!”
The legion of zombie novelists
includes such famous horror and
suspense scribes as Edgar Allan Poe,
Shirley Jackson and R.L. Stine.
Other writers who are less
known for their tales of the super-
natural have also been recruited into
the Zombie Literati, including Syl-
via Plath and James Thurber, whose
career took a swift downturn when
he released a sequel to his famous
short story “The Secret Life of Wal-
ter Mitty,” in which Mitty becomes
trapped in a voodoo fantasy world
and devours his domineering wife.
The Zombie Literati has trans-
formed an estimated 30,000 people
into soulless seekers of living flesh
and brains, according to the most
recent government statistics. There
are no indications that those num-
bers will slow down any time soon,
White House officials said.
But they are no longer being
met with feeble resistance like they
were when their attack began.
A group of Hollywood actors
and directors have sworn to fight
back against the zombie horde and
restore peace to our blessed planet.
They call themselves the Braindead,
adjusting the sunglasses on his face
so that sunlight wouldn’t blind him.
“Imagine, a vampire dying from
hunger like a common human!”
However, Vamps, 42, hasn’t
stopped drinking blood. On the
contrary, he now drinks more blood
than ever.
Vamps is one of thousands of
vampires who have flocked en masse
to name-brand blood substitutes
that replicate the properties and
nutritional value of human blood so
closely that 99 percent of vampires
cannot tell the difference, according
to a study conducted by Dr. A.V.
Helsing of the Vampire Institute.
“It is extraordinary,” said
Helsing. “They cannot believe
they’re not actually drinking human
blood.”
These “plasma substitutes,”
as they are referred to when sold
in stores, were created five years
ago by the new giant of the healthy
blood industry, BloodCo. The
blood was concocted via an intense
process involving animal sacrifice,
black magic and tofu, according to
an anonymous source within the
company.
Some vampires have been
AUTHOR SAW IT COMING
Comic book writer Robert Kirkman says his
“Walking Dead” series holds the key to holding
off the zombie horde. LIFESTYLE, Page E1
and they’re here to chew bubblegum
and kick ass.
And they’re all out of bubble-
gum.
“All right, you primitive scre-
wheads, listen up,” said actor Bruce
Campbell to a group of zombies
he and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper had
captured and were displaying dur-
ing another press conference across
Health-conscious vampires such as Steve von Bloodsucker, 28, want
to find nutritious alternatives to cholesterol-addled blood in society.
enjoying the benefits of this faux
blood ever since its conception.
“I like that it gives me all
the nutritional benefits of human
blood without making me bloated
and disgusting,” said Steve von
Bloodsucker, 28, a trendy vampire
who has become one of the leading
green vampires. “Regular blood
is just too gross for me. Can you
imagine trying to live off that junk
It never gets too weird for us!
Follow the bizarre online 24/7 at
www.tribunecalifornia.com
All photos by Frank West/Tribune California
NEW VIEW: Kurt Vonnegut,
writer of “Slaughterhouse-Five,”
develops a cult following of a
different sort. Page A3
town. “You see this? This … is my
boomstick!”
He raised a large shotgun to the
sky. It glistened with light from the
sun, eliciting a gasp from the audi-
ence.
“Hail to the king, baby,” said
Campbell before he shot the zom-
bies through their heads and splat-
tering their brains, destroying them.
The coalition of Hollywood
horror’s finest is quickly coalesc-
ing into an army large enough to
rival the ever-growing horde of evil
captained by the Zombie Literati.
The Braindead received a big boost
when George A. Romero, director
of “Night of the Living Dead” and
“Dawn of the Dead,” agreed to join
the cause and donated a large chunk
of his personal collection of zom-
bies, which he uses as extras in his
horror films.
Besides spreading bucketloads
of gore across the country, the top
priority for the Braindead is to fig-
ure out how the zombie authors
rose from the dead in the first place
so that the knowledge can be used
against them.
Dr. Logan, the best scientist
Otto von Chriek/Tribune California
now? Disgusting!”
There are other benefits to the
replicant blood that researchers are
just now discovering. One of these
is a reaction to the unique internal
system of the vampire that flushes
out toxins adversely affecting the
vampire, such as remains of garlic
and holy water.
Vampires have always been an
underresearched creature, according
ROMERO JOINS THE HUNT
Dr. Death profiles director George A. Romero,
who joined the fraternity of Hollywood stars
fighting the zombie war. SPECIAL, Page C4
currently in their employ, theorizes
that unnaturally bookish radiation
emanating from a Venus space probe
that exploded in the Earth’s atmo-
sphere is the cause of the events.
“Or maybe it is a biological dis-
ease that affects people only post-
mortem,” said Logan. “Or a mon-
key could have bit someone. Hell, I
don’t know. I just want a nice zom-
bie pet.”
However, top leaders in the
Zombie Literati scoff wildly at the
Braindead efforts. They say every-
thing Hollywood can do is in vain
because they have tapped a market
See DEAD, p. 3
to Helsing. He believes that as
scientists learn more about how
vampires function, the companies
producing the blood will be able
to better tailor it to the needs of the
vampire.
“We need to conduct more
research,” said Helsing. “It is
imperative we know as much about
the vampire as possible!”
However, the movement toward
healthier forms of blood is not
without some controversy among
vampires. Some vampire advocacy
groups have accused BloodCo
of hiding information about the
bloodmaking process.
Sir Francis Varney, president of
the Vampire Consumer Advocates
of America, has been a stern critic
of BloodCo’s policy of not revealing
any information about their blood
aside from positive public relations
spin.
“Seriously, are you kidding
me?” said Varney. “They’ve put this
blood for sale in stores even though
they barely know anything about
its effect on the vampiric system.
That’s idiocy!
“There are serious side effects
See BLOOD, p. 2
A2 The Tribune California March 19, 2008

‘Necronomicon’ on display at Louvre

By John Dee
Staff Writer
A copy of the “Mad Arab”
Abdul Alhazred’s “Necronomicon,”
the famed “Book of the Dead,” was
found in the ruins of an ancient
city and is now on display at the
Louvre.
The relic was uncovered
deep in the rubble of a mysterious
underground city in the Middle East
by a traveler who wishes to remain
anonymous for fear of retribution
from the ancient cult that built the
halls of the damned.
“We are very excited to have
this fabulous treasure on display at
our museum,” said Henri Loyrette,
director of the Louvre. “This will
go well with our Bosch collection.
Bunch of freaky drawings, those
are.”
Only five copies of the
“Necronomicon” were thought to
exist before this one was found. The
hallowed tome is an account of the
Old Ones – supernatural gods that
ruled the cosmos – their history and
means of summoning them to spread
horrors untold across the universe.
This addition to the famed Paris
museum will increase its patronage
from geeky cult members who
have no lives, according to Francis
Sweatmonger, an expert in things
people like to see for a few weeks
before getting bored and moving on
to the next stupid fad.
“It’ll be even bigger than when
‘The Da Vinci Code’ brought in
the illiterate douchebag set,” said
Sweatmonger. “These are some real
dorks the Louvre will have on its
hands.”
It is unknown what the Old Ones
think about their book being put on
display in a museum. Cthulhu, one
of the Old Ones mentioned in the
“Necronomicon,” could not be
reached for comment because it
drove a reporter to madness.
The “Necronomicon” will
remain on display at the Louvre
until Sept. 22, which is when the
evil aura of the book is expected to
have driven those who work at the
Louvre to their breaking points.
The book will then be moved
to the British Museum, where it will
be put on display with another copy
of the “Necronomicon,” whereupon
a great terror will envelope the
London area.
Loyrette has no sympathy
regarding the absolute terror that
shall befall the British Museum.
“Sucks to be them,” said
Loyrette, smirking.
Courtesy of The Louvre
Reach John Dee by e-mail at The Louvre found the only existing copy of the famed “Book of the
john.dee@tribunecalifornia.com. Dead,” written by the “Mad Arab” Abdul Alhazred circa 730 A.D.

Vampires seek healthy blood but are wary of BloodCo

BLOOD continued from p. 1
to this that should be publicized.”
One severe side effect of the
fake blood that has been glossed
over is its propensity to warm up
vampires, according to Varney.
Because the blood needs to
be kept constantly warm to remain
effective, it must be packaged in a
special heated case that continues
working for two days after a cord
on its side is pulled. The heat helps
simulate the warmth of human blood
as it is drunk straight from the vein.
Varney said this causes some
problems, though. While vampires
do drink blood warm, their natural
coldness drops the temperature of
blood about as quickly as exposure
to the outside world would.
But BloodCo’s fake blood traps
heat for a longer period of time than
human blood, and it also spreads the
warmth throughout the system of
many vampires. The sudden burst of
heat then sends vampires haywire.
“It’s a travesty that this wasn’t
tested properly before going out on
the market,” said Varney. “It’s almost
as if BloodCo wanted to make a few
uick bucks without thinking of the
consequences. Hmm.”
One other particularly sordid,
as yet unsubstantiated rumor, is that
BloodCo kidnaps humans and kills
them for their blood to fulfill ever
larger blood quotas that can’t be met
with current production means.
BloodCo CEO Roger Meyers
Jr., formerly of Itchy and Scratchy
International, has repeatedly denied
any wrongdoing by BloodCo.
“We don’t kidnap people from
hospitals and take their blood without
their permission,” said Meyers. “Do
you know how much that would
cost? The bribery expidentures alone
would be through the roof! Wait. ...
I’ve been advised by my lawyer that
I am no longer to speak to you.”
BloodCo is not alone in
receiving unflattering accusations
of wrongdoings. Helsing, a
controversial figure among the
vampire community, has been
thought to have forged the results of
his study.
Adding to the suspicion,
Helsing has refused to release the
methodology of his studies. He has
only made public his method of
determining the 99 percent figure
of vampires who cannot tell the
difference between human blood
and BloodCo blood.
“Are you familiar with the
Pepsi Challenge?” said Helsing. “I
blindfolded many vampires and none
of them could taste a difference. This
is valid scientific fact!”
Helsing’s refusal to publish his
methodology has led many in the
vampire community to accuse him
of anti-vampire bias.
“It’s interesting that [Helsing]
doesn’t want to inform people about
how he achieved his results when so
many vampires are being harmed by
the BloodCo product,” said Varney.
“Very interesting indeed.”
Helsing had only cryptic
remarks to offer in return.
“I have no bias,” said Helsing.
“And I certainly don’t want to see
the mongrel race of vampires die a
horrible death.”
Reach Count Orlock by e-mail at
count.orlock@tribunecalifornia.com.
March 19, 2008 The Tribune California A3
Undead authors storm city Vonnegut gains new fans
DEAD, continued from p. 1
the Braindead have thus far ignored
– the foreign market.
“We’ve got Bram Stoker on our
side now,” said Philip K. Dick. “He’s
not technically a zombie, but he did
get bit by a vampire and had been
slumbering for several generations
before he joined the winning side.
That has to count for something.”
Despite the intense movement
on both sides, though, fighting be-
tween the groups has remained at a
relative standstill for the past couple
of days.
Experts say this is a bad sign for
the Zombie Literati, which has been
plagued by in-fighting among the
literary elite and the more common
writers, according to anonymous
sources high within the evil army.
“It is a common fact that elitist
snobs, or ‘douchebags’ as I believe
they are referred to in the current
popular lexicon, will always bully
the ‘commoners,’ who will then be-
come angry and make a disparaging
remark about the offender’s mother,”
said Miltridge Castevet, an English
professor at Georgetown University.
“They simply cannot co-exist.”
Press releases from the Zom-
bie Literati have downplayed the
departures of high-profile figures
like Ernest Hemingway and Poppy
Z. Brite, who is actually very much
alive but was curious about zombie
cuisine and wrote an article about it
for Chile Pepper Magazine.
Another troubling setback for
the despots of doom is their setbacks
in domestic recruitment; the Zombie
Literati bites more people by the
day, but writers have been turning
down membership in the group left
and right.
They have stepped up their re-
cruiting efforts, but there have been
more than a few embarrassing mis-
haps.
“I’m not dead yet!” said J.D.
Salinger during an unsuccessful ex-
cursion to his Cornish, N.H. home
by the Zombie Literati. “And get the
hell off my lawn!”
While the Zombie Literati deals
with its staffing issues, some inside
the group wonder whether the group
is keeping to its original goal, or if
that goal is even feasible.
“What’s the use of fighting il-
literacy when, at this rate, there will
be nobody left in the world who can
actually read?” said one member
of the group who wished to remain
anonymous. “In the best case sce-
nario, we retain the status quo be-
cause we’ll be stuck with a bunch of
Zombies threaten to spread as far as England, infesting their movies.
idiots who can’t read. In the worst
case scenario, we turn everyone into
zombies and are left with no more
human flesh to feed on.
“I see no way we can win this.”
Among all the fighting between
the two groups, many believe both
have forgotten something in all the
excitement – the opinion of the com-
mon person.
The latest Gallup Polls indicate
65 percent of Americans are con-
fused about the main objective of
the Zombie Literati. In addition, 85
percent of Americans disapprove of
the Zombie Literati’s main method
of disseminating information, which
is to pass out fliers during protests
for people to read.
Matheson has reached his limit
with questions regarding his group’s
way of getting information to illiter-
ates.
“How are they going to learn
Kurt Vonnegut was at a loss for
words.
The recently resurrected
author, one of many writers who
have come back to life during the
wave of attacks by the undead,
wasn’t confronting a mass of
frightened people, ready to devour
their helpless minds. His humanist,
anti-war beliefs would never allow
him to do that.
Neither was he at the throats of
his fellow zombies, who continue
to wage large-scale battles against
all mankind in the fight against
illiteracy.
Frank West/Tribune California No, Vonnegut, the famous
author of such novels as
“Slaughterhouse-Five” and “Cat’s
how to read if we don’t teach them
Cradle,” was struck silent by a
how to do so?” said an irritated
group of people he knew all too
Matheson. “Ugh, I seriously need
well when he walked among the
some brains right now. Fetch me
living – fans.
those illiterate adults we’re keeping
“He is so cool now,” said Cody
locked up! Wait, is that recorder still
Cooler, a freshman at Cal Poly
on?”
Pomona and leader of a newly-
But, as always, people are en-
formed Vonnegut fan club on
couraged to see the bright side of
campus. “He’s, like, all dead and
tragic events. The wave of attacks
stuff. That’s awesome.”
have allowed some resurrected au-
The fan club, whose members
thors, such as Zombie Shakespeare,
lovingly refer to themselves as
to once again find their literary
“Zombieguts,” was formed last
voice.
week after Vonnegut’s corpse
“Brains brains brains,
pulled itself from the ground and
brains, brains, brains.
was immediately confronted by a
Brains, brains, BRAINS,
deluge of photographers and news
brains, brains, brains.
cameras.
‘Tis the noblest of the
Vonnegut was one of the first
zombie’s many lusts,” writes
authors to come back to life in
Shakespeare in “Sonnet of Brains.”
zombified form. The exact cause of
his reanimation, and the reanimation
Reach Frank West by e-mail at
of his peers, is still unknown,
frank.west@tribunecalifornia.com.
Courtesy of the Vonnegut family
Kurt Vonnegut is a hero to a new
generation of zombie obsessees.
though scientists speculate it has
something to do with nuclear power
and funny-looking asteroids.
The Zombieguts finally met
their hero Tuesday. Vonnegut
gave a speech at Cal Poly Pomona
decrying the violent depths to which
his fellow authors had sunk.
“I guess someone ate their
brains first, so now they have to
go after everyone else’s,” said
Vonnegut. “What use is literacy
going to be if nobody has a mind
left with which to enjoy the gift?”
Cooler and his friends
approached Vonnegut after the
speech. They told him they were
huge fans of his and said that he
was the coolest walking corpse
they’d ever seen in their lives.
Vonnegut simply nodded. The
situation didn’t seem to require any
other response.
He then shook hands with
Cooler, who squealed with joy at
the opportunity to touch the cold,
dead hand of a living corpse, and
shambled off to hang out with the
corpse of his friend and humanist
colleague, Isaac Asimov.
“Those were a bizarre bunch of
kids,” said Vonnegut. “I hope one
of them reads a book someday.”
Cooler said he might have been
offended if he knew what Vonnegut
was talking about.
“What’s a book?” said Cooler.
“Is that, like, zombie code for brains
and pus and stuff? I wonder if he
had maggots in his hair.”
When told about some of
Vonnegut’s novels, a flash of
recognition formed in the eyes of
one member of the group, Pansy
Poser, before disappearing after but
a fleeting moment.
“‘Player Piano,’” Poser mused
for a moment. “Isn’t that, like, one
of those, like, piano things that, like,
plays by itself at haunted houses or
something like that? Those things
are so cool!”
Vonnegut’s renewed life has
also renewed his popularity on
college campuses, where his books
were a staple during his days among
the living. Other novelists have
fan clubs for their undead corpses,
but none match the ferocity of the
Zombieguts.
“We’ll totally pants the crap
outta those Dickers!” shouted
Cooler.
– Frank West