December ‘09

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V O L . X X / NUMBER I “Published every so often on a farm near Amity, Oregon”

Christmas 2009
Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s The to the Kenwood KA3500 I bought
from Butch at Discus Records in 1984.
for a repeat performance. Polly wears
rubber dresses. That is kind of strange.
Holiday Season at the “Or at least I think it does,” said Mr.
“Christmas is my middle name,” Lehman. hold
But what will the stockings
on Christmas Morning?
New Home of the Daily Sadie is wishing for Legos. She It looks as though the editor will
Strumpet! wants the lego city pizza restaurant that
comes with a bus, or the Lego farm. I
get a pretty big lump of coal after
the not exactly proper acquisition of
It’s almost Christmas time once again think she has lowered her sights a touch a Christmas tree. “I prefer the term
at the home of the Daily Strumpet. The after over hearing discussions of family “liberation” thank you very much. For
manger scene is somewhere in the storage finances. She also wants a Wii. Perhaps crying out loud-they were going to burn
trailer and Sadie is worried we may not one will show up at a garage sale. them,” said the pilfering procrastinator.
be able to find baby Jesus. “The three She is prepared to be surprised. Once “I am going to take it back for them
wise men were given a star, I’ve been she asked for a very expensive Polly Pocket to burn, After Christmas,” he added.
given a flashlight. Not really the same cruise ship and low and behold her father Uncle Ted is hoping for a
thing,” says Strumpet Editor and assistant found one on Ebay, just missing a few Accountant-O-matic Robot 2001 to
Christmas Organizer David C. Lehman. items, for a very good price. The lady who give him a vacation from the books at
Christmas time at the offices of the Daily offered the ship for sale was so touched by Lehman Farms and Lehman Brothers.
Strumpet means cookies with icing in the the personal email mentioning that it was a Uncle Ted has been accountant of the
shape of snowmen and santa, looking along Christmas present for a special little girl that year for the past half a century. “I am the
the highway for a Christmas Tree that fell off she threw in a couple extra bags of Polly only accountant here, doesn’t anyone
a truck, a Christmas Ham, pictures of presents Pocket accessories and it was pretty much think about retirement,” said Uncle Ted.
under our fake tree, and Al Green’s Christmas a Polly Pocket extravaganza Christmas. Uncle Harold is hoping he has been
Album wirelessly streamed through itunes I have a suspicion that Sadie is looking extra nice this year. “I’m afraid I’ll get a
stocking full of that new fangled floor dry.
It tracks all over everywhere. I just wish
for the old days when a fellow could be
Christmas Memories from Roxi Babelinski assured it was going to be coal,” he said.
Uncle H. is trying to up his status
When I was a lad Christmas trees had magic powers. So it is until...well until this by giving Sadie free ice cream.
friend of mine wanted a tree for his dorm room. Naturally he wanted a free one Uncle Bob just wants his printer to
from the truck of some hard-working tree sellers who had harvested many trees work. “Oh for pity sakes, why won’t
and brought them into town to sell. They guarded their trees by staying close to that printer work,” he said. He also
them in a camper trailer. I had some firecrackers and someone suggested setting wants a new caps lock key. “Someone
them off as a diversion while this former friend of mind made off with a tree taken stole it. What is up with that?” he said.
from their truck. I am not sure this was a good idea. Do you have any idea how Uncle Rollan is really hoping Uncle
loud firecrackers can be when set off in a cold December in the dead of night? As David will put all his pirated copies of
I recall, people were quite astonished. I did my best to pretend that it was not I who “Six days on the Road” on CD. “I know
ignited the 4th of July sticks of loudness. I think I was not successful. I do recall a he has the definitive collection of truck
silhouette running down a residential street with a pine tree on his back, one end driving songs on his computer,” says
dragging on the ground. Merry X-mas and to all tree lovers good night. Rollan, “Hard drivin’ man” Lehman.
The Daily Strumpet Volume XVIII, Number 1, December 2009
Alien Abduction!
Lehman Farms Loyal and
Punctual Farm Employee
probed Shape-Shifted!
Those pesky aliens have struck once
more at Lehman Farms kidnapping long time
Lehman Farms employee, William J. Hall.
Even more disturbing evidence has been
found pointing to a possible illicit body and
attitude reprogramming involving this loyal
and semi-dependable yoeman.
“It all started a month or so ago. Bill said
he was coming to work on Monday and then
just disappeared. I called later in the week
to see if he had the Obama Flu and he said
he would be at work on Monday. “Then he
just vanished,” said LF assistant to the assis-
tant farm manager, Mr. David A. (assistant)
Lehman.
Lehman says he was completely shocked
by Bill’s absence. “I’ve know him to be early
for work. Sometimes he has to sit and drink
coffee with Uncle Harold as it is like 7:30 a.m.
or something, and sometimes he tries to sneak
in and work on Sundays, but the idea of Bill
missing a day of work is unheard of.”
Authorities were called but declined to file
a missing persons report. “It is really out of our
jurisdiction. We only go after people not wear-
ing seatbelts and really obvious Meth users,”
said Amity Police Chief James Clark.
“Oh and skateboarders. Skateboarding
may not be a crime but they sure are pesky
little fellows,” he added.
Rumors persist that Bill may have had a
job hauling Christmas trees for another farmer
or that he was sitting on his arse watching
TV.
“I am sure it was an Alien adbuction,”
said Lehman.
“Bill always calls and I know he could
never stand to just sit around and watch TV,”
he said.
“I just couldn’t believe he was gone,” said
Lehman.
When Bill unexpectedly appeared for
work the first Monday in December, most
people did not recognize him.
“I knew it was Bill because it was Monday
and Bill said he would show up on Monday and
he would never mislead me,” said David.
Others at Lehman Farms were some-
what skeptical. “It doesn’t look like Bill,
I need to see his social security card, he
could be an illegal alien. You know I have
to send all that information into the state.
What do I do with this letter about child
support, Rollan isn’t here,” said Uncle Ted
accountant of the year.
“I just hope he doesn’t use floor dry
instead of sawdust, said Uncle Harold.
There is some speculation that an ac-
cident befell Bill before his untimely disap-
pearance the first rainy day of fall.
One anonymous source proposed the
theory that Bill was running the venerable
Minneapolis-Moline G706 and pulling a
large flat-roller when he fell off the back
and was flattened by the roller.
“The new Bill seems longer and flatter
than the old Bill. This would be consistent
with what happens to cartoon characters
when they are run over by a steam-roller
or ran through the wringer on an antique
washing machine,” said the source.
The Strumpet Editor, David E. Lehman
“pooh-pooh’s” this idea. “That is inferring
that William J. Hall possesses attributes of a
Abducted and Probed! Actual Photos of Bill Before
and After Alien Abduction!!!!
The question remains-did he enjoy it? Sci-
entific analysis of the grins in both photo-
graphs reveal a happier Bill in the second
photo. Notice the “thumbs up” sign. Ap-
parently the probe was not unenjoyable!
“Actually it kind of tickled-at least in the
beginning. I really don’t want to talk about
what happened next,” he said.
cartoon character and in fact may very
well be a cartoonish figure. I will in
no way stand for Bill being placed in
the same classification as Daffy Duck
or any other Looney Toons Character,
although when he carries a shotgun I
once mistook him for Elmer Fudd-
But that was only once!”
The Editor is more inclined
towards the Alien abduction theory.
“There have been many unexplained
helicopter sightings and my wife’s
friend has not been around, plus one
of Eileen’s chicken is missing. Not
only that, most of the clocks in our
house don’t work and that is a sure
sign of Alien activity,” said David.
The question remains, was Bill
probed and shape shifted while in
alien custody and did he in fact enjoy
the experience.
“The fact of the matter is that Bill
seems much more happy, he is full of
enthusiasm, he drinks more coffee,
and he likes Bob Marley,” I think that
proves something, “By the way, what
is a spliff,” said the Editor.
Beloved Christmas Songs
When the Strumpet editor was but
a wee lad in short pants he lived across
from the Amity Methodist Church.
This historical house of prayer was in
possession of an extremely powerful
speaker and amplifier and speaker
system.
During the Christmas season
the it was the custom to play Christ-
mas Carols through these speakers
Poverty Forces Desperate Measures At
mounted atop the bell tower. It was surely
wonderful to hear the strains of Silent
Night or We Three Kings, wafting across
the snow covered fields. Especially if
you lived in Perrydale. Living across the
street the volume may have been just a
tad high.
This continual assault of high vol-
ume Christmas music may have taken
away from the appreciation of said
music for some in the big old house
next to the Mid Valley Workshop. At
times other words would be invented
for those beautiful carols. This was
greatly frowned upon by those who
were in the position to frown on such
things and certain songs were pretty
much forbidden.
Here they are reprinted for
purely informational purposes. Abuse
of this information is strictly frowned
upon by the Editorial staff of the Daily
Strumpet Publishing Company.

The Home of The Daily Strumpet editor! Jingle Bells, alternate ver-
sion:
“I didn’t steal it,” protested Strumpet Editor David “light fingers” Lehman
when questioned as to the origins of the suspiciously nice and tall Christmas Jingle bells, Batman smells
Tree in his living room. Robin laid an egg
The tree was liberated from a tree bonfire by the intrepid Kyle Lehman The batmobile lost its wheel
who lives across from a Christmas Tree plantation. “I’m sure he asked if he and the Joker got away!
could have it,” said Lehman who would avoid any suspicion of impropriety. Hey!
Uncle Ted just shook his head when the topic was discussed at coffee time. Last verse as reported by Sadie
“Who would even thing of stealing a Christmas tree,” was all he said. as what she learned at school:
The allegedly kleptomaniac editor was questioned as to why he just didn’t
go to the Amity Lion’s club tree lot. Mr. Freeze Cut the Cheese!
“I’m afraid of Lions,” he said. “Cause lions ain’t the kind you love enough. and blew them all away!
And they bite. I don’t really understand why they then give you eyeglasses. Oh!
It seems kind of strange. Sort of a carrot and stick thing I guess,” he said. WE THREE KINGS OF
The whole issue started when the Editor refused to pay $30 for a Christmas ORIENT ARE
tree.
“The lovely Miss Sadie Lehman was tired of only getting pictures of pres- We three kings of Orient are
ents which is what you get with a fake tree and I’ve been looking along the Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
sides of the road for a tree which fell off a truck. You would think you could It was loaded, it exploded...
find a free tree in Oregon. It is like the Christmas Tree capital of the world,”
he said. We two kings of Orient are
This year there was an over supply of trees and many tree farms simply Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
burned the extra trees. Huge piles of trees have been set on fire in recent It was loaded, it exploded...
weeks.
“It was a liberation, no tree wants to be burned. I read a story about that I, one king of Orient are
once,” said Lehman. Tried to smoke a rubber cigar.
It was loaded, it exploded...

God rest ye merry gentlemen...

The Daily Strumpet Volume XVII, Number 1, September 2006 page 4

AN !
Global Warming Fails to heat MR.
P L A S TICM
Say’s
tmas!
Home of the Daily Strumpet!! Chris
M erry

Crystals of ice and the cold bite of an
icy arctic front have assaulted the offices
of the Daily Strumpet this Christmas sea-
son.
“I blame it all on a lack of Global
Warming,” ranted the editor, David A
(algore) Lehman when confronted with
an ice crystal on his nose.
“I’ve burned plastic, tires, vented fre-
on, bought a truck with a 460 cubic inch
engine, and crumpled those little styro-
foam packing peanuts, but it still keeps
getting colder,” ranted the editor, while
shaking his fist at the Copenhagen sum-
mit on climate change. “Those bozos are
determined to make it colder, of course
they like it cold, they live in Denmark-
it’s like 20 feet from the freaking’ North
Pole,” he ranted.
The cold weather could be a repeat of
last year’s ice capades only without the
two feet of snow that fell in the weeks
before Christmas. “Snow at Christmas
is supposed to be good luck but I didn’t
win the lottery,” said David. “Of course
I was not hit by a falling comet, nor a
Fury, nor a Rambler American, nor a
Dodge Dart so I guess it could be con-
sidered good luck as well.
Snow did blanket the midwest they
simply hogged it all, says the editor.
“Wouldn’t hurt them to share a foot
or so! Just cause they want a White
Christmas doesn’t mean that we can’t
have one also,” he said.
The editor was so annoyed he is
threatening to sell his no-till drill.
“I’ve no-tilled thousands of acres
with that thing. I’ve saved tons of car-
bon credits, probably enough to heat Al
Gore’s house for like 25 minutes. Now
we have global cooling!” he said.
“I’m sure it is George Bush’s fault,”
added the editor.
The Daily Strumpet is published
whenever the Editor gets around
to it. The goal is six. Subscription
rates are figured for six issues
a year. Subscriptions are $8 per
year. ($10 if youʼre generous)
Payment is voluntary. Cost per
issue is $1.50. (Stamps 33 cents,
(Intʼl rates are higher), printing 75
cents plus folding and staples .03
cents= $1.10- I make 40 cents on
you bums (that is if you actually
paid a subscription) and I have to
split it with my wife! For $20 you
can buy a page and put whatever
you want on it-subject to approval
by the editorial staff (me). Small
adds are $10. I will print anyoneʼs
photo if they send me cash. Full
page $10.
Send letters to: The Daily Strumpet,
C/O David Lehman, Editor,
PO Box 909, Amity, OR 97101
Or Email: dsnews@onlinemac.com

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