HellW

To

ith

Georgia
Monday, noveMber 24, 2014
vol. 100, no. 69 | athens, GeorGia | nique.net

Big Photo Caption with credit. oh god this caption has to be pretty long hopefully someone can b.s. this many words so that it will actually fill the space

FB players in danger of
failing Childrens Lit
SETH POOLE
OF THE SOUTH

Professor Smar T. Pants lectures to his students about what art is. Professor Pants is accused of teaching students useful facts and life skills.

Professor accused of actually teaching

SEYMOUR BUTTS

INTERPRETIVE DANCER
In a stunning revelation, the
university[sic] of Georgia Department of Tractor Maintenance and
Auditing has revealed that professor Smar T. Pants has been teaching the football players in his class
actual information.
u[sic]GA administrators were
shocked by the revelation that
courses were teaching football
players actual information.
Its a disgrace to the good
name of this football program
with a University [sic] attached
that a professor would actually be
imparting knowledge on our football players, said University [sic]
President and amateur equestrian
Dumb A Spbricks. Thats not
why people come here.
Another senior administrator who declined to be named
because hes just too wasted to
function right now said that the
professor may soon be fired from
the university[sic] for competece.
According to the course syllabus some of the subjects taught
knowledge imparted by the professor was the addition of fractions, how gravity works and

why setting alcohol on fire hurts

when it touches your skin.
Despite the long-standing rule
that classes, especially those taken
by football players, should not attempt to impart useful knoledge
on students, Professor Pants has
blantently taught his students useful information.
Professor Pants was hired to
teach at the University[sic] after
his predecessor Professor Justin
Deiber, left the university to persue what was then his life ambition to become a pastry chef.
The course has had a terrible
effect on the players who went
through the course.
After taking the course, there
was too much information in my
brain, said football player Tommy Gunn. I couldnt remember
which way to run down the field,
so I got kicked off the team.
Other victims of the professors sick obsession with education
include half the current football
team, and a majority of the the
NCAA. As a result of the course,
these poor souls, with their limited brain capacity, cannot function
in normal society as the knowledge they gained has pushed out
other information such as the

knowledge of how to feed yourself

and breathing.
Ghghghghgghghghghghg asgagshdgfhgsddhfgdshgfaghhdfdfhgghdghg, said once NCAA
official before collapsing from assfixiation.
As a result of the investigation,
auditors are recommending that
all u[sic]GA courses continue their
long-standing tradition of failing
to teach students. This, they say,
is the safest course of action for
the feeble minds that inhabit the
campus.
Other professors at the
University[sic] are already adjusting to the news by further simplifying their curriculum. Intro
to Architecture, for example, has
taken lego-building off of its curriculum as it is too difficult for
our students, according to the
professor.
Other measures taken have
been to institute a maximimum qualification requirement
for all professors hired by the
University[sic]. For instance, all
professors who have received a degree hired than an Associates. For
the purpose of this requirement,
all degrees issued by u[sic]GA are
considered Associates degrees.

The u[sic]GA football team

could lose several key players after
the season in connection to a new
academic program established in
the offseason.
Following the recent revelation
that the average u[sic]GA student
has an IQ lower than that of a
canine dog, in July the English
department was rebranded as
Basic Literacy and coursework
was scaled down in difficulty to
better cater to students true capabilities. The major has been
popular among football players,
many of whom are signed up for
the required Childrens Literature
course this semester.
Theres uh 28? Yeah, I
think 28 football players in that
class, said seventh-year Basic Literacy major Rich Erthanu, who
is taking Childrens Literature.
Cant be sure though. I took
Counting to 20 as an elective last
year and barely passed.
The problem: the course has
proven difficult. According to the
instructor, Professor[sic] Brenden
Snap, nearly all of the football
players are currently on pace to
fail the class.
Theyve had trouble from the
beginning. The first assignment
was just to write a plot summary
of Green Eggs and Ham, and they
all handed something in, but
well, all of it was wrong. One of

them wrote down what he had for

breakfast. One just rewrote the
book title but misspelled eggs. It
was amazing, Snap said.
Snap and Erthanu both confirmed a rumor from earlier this
season about a scuffle between
two players in the class.
According to Erthanu, one
playerwho had sought help outside the classroomwas excited
when he was able to successfully
read the first page of If You Give
a Mouse a Cookie. Another player
immediately called him a nerd,
and a shouting match broke out.
The Athletic Association (AA)
has made efforts to remedy the
situation, but tutors have only had
limited success.
I dont get it. They said they
wanted me to teach the players,
but Im not old enough to be a
teacher, said a nine-year-old
named Allie, who was hired as an
AA tutor for her extensive knowledge of third-grade literature. I
thought adults teach kids. How
come I have to read to all of them?
And how come they all keep asking me what every word means?
Snap admitted that he will
have to alter his planned curriculum to ensure that at least a few
students pass the course.
Originally I was planning to
have them read Charlottes Web
for their final project, but theyre
clearly not ready, Snap said. Im
planning to assign a coloring book
instead.

u[sic]GA football players ask for help with their

most recent Childrens Literature assignment.

P 2 November 24, 2014 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// Liessssss

THWUGA: Clean, Old Fashioned Diplomas now Charmin

THE TECHNIQUE EDITORIAL
BOARD

If you are a freshman at Tech,

or its just your first year on campus, welcome to the annual To
Hell With Georgia issue, a very
special edition of The Souths
Liveliest College Newspaper. In
the following 28 pages, you will
be treated to outlandish stories of
alcohol, unintelligence, and unconventional family loving.
Often, we are asked how a tradition such as THWUGA began
and why we continue to produce
it. We will be the first to admit
the stereotypes included in this
paper are not as true as they may
have been. University of Georgia

students are not always backwoods drunkards, and Tech students arent all nerdy introverts
with inferiority complexes.
Still, on November 17, 1911
the Technique published its first
ever issue, a four-page paper focused on the upcoming football
game against UGA. It is from
these modest roots, that the
Technique has come to be the
paper it is today, and it is these
roots that we are trying to honor
through the THWUGA issue
every year.
It is not the name of the issue, or even the content it contains that matters the most to
us. Instead, it is the tradition

this issue represents. The traditions of ingenuity, creativity, and

most importantly, the tradition
of Clean, Old Fashioned Hate
bring together both the newspaper staff and the Tech community.
So as you flip through the
issue we hope you enjoy our eccentric stories and sordid tales.
But please, keep in mind that its
all in good fun and is meant to
make you proud to be a Yellow
Jacket. As Tech students there
is one thing which holds us together, one thing that drives the
annual production of this issue,
the Clean, Old Fashioned Hate
for our rivals up the road.

I.P. FREELY

SPIRITUAL LEADER
In a partnership between
Charmin and the College of
Plumbing and Drainage, u[sic]
GA diplomas will be printed on
Charmin toilet paper starting
Spring 2015.
This alliance is likely due to
the fact that Charmin is already

partnered with Roto-Rooter,

Americas #1 provider of plumbing and drainage services and
jobs for u[sic]GA graduates.
The diplomas will be printed
on Charmin products which
reflect the honors the graduate
received. Sine laude, or without
honors, will be printed on oneply Charmin Basic, cum laude
See CHARMIN, page P4

Camo-clad criminal caught quickly

SETH POOL

OF THE SOUTH
The police have recently arrested the Tractor Thief who has been
plaguing u[sic]GAs campus for
the past several months. All told,
the culprit is responsible for stealing over tweny of these tricked out
tractors, the livelihoods of over
twenty u[sic]GAs students.
One of the victims came foreward, happy that the thief had
been stopped.

I sure am glad those cops

found the guy, he said. Now I
just want to have my tractor back.
It is unknown whether or not
the police will be able to return
the tractors. They are currently
having difficulty figuring out how
to restore visibility to most of the
culprits body.
As of now, the only solution is
to place the thief in a room with
solid colored walls. This counteracts the camouflage provided
by his suit. The unnamed thief

Photo by Crocodile Dundee The greatest man I have ever known

Pictured is the elusive camo thief. He hides expertly with his

signature camouflage outfit which makes him undetectable.

has apparently been managing to

evade capture by wearing camo,
rendering himself invisible to Athens Police.
Relieved students are reveling
in their new freedom form the
tyranny of the Tractor Thief.
I enjoy the knowledge that we
live on a campus of trustworthy
people again. I can safely assume
that no one will steal my tractor,
my pride and joy.
The police are currently trying
to invent some way of spotting
people wearing camo. The current
solution of making everyone go
into a gray room only works if the
suspects are all willing to comply.
In the coming years, police
speculate that crime will increase dramatically unless they
can overcome the challenge of
camo induced invisibility and
the criminals using the dangerous technique. Meanwhile if you
come across someone wearing this
improvised invisibility cloak, police advise running in the opposite
direction.
More likely than not, this advice is too little too late as you will
be unable to actually see the camo
wearer until they want to make
themselves known.

Photo by Red Neck Your moms special friend

u[sic]GAs new diplomas. With Charmin UltraStrong, students no longer have to worry about using their diplomas.

Minimum BAC to graduate

MATTIE LITE

SENIOR ASSISTANT TO THE

SUPERVISORS ASSISTANT
u[sic]GA officials announced
early Thirsty-day morning that
the minimum Blood Alcohol
Content (BAC) level required for
scholarships would be raised from
.04 to .08. In addition, the level
for football players will rise to .15.
Many lobbied for an even
higher minimum BAC, but in the
end, we decided that we wanted to
be inclusive of students of all tolerance levels, said u[sic]GA Student Alcohol Advisor, and President of the blindfold archery club
Dee R. Unkalot.
Testing students BAC has, in
previous years, been a cumbersome process. The Students For
More Drinking Committee hopes

that they can streamline the process this year.

Yeah, man. Last year we did
the backwards ABC test, said
sophomore Compli T. Lee Hammered. Hey, hey did you know
BAC and ABC are like the same
word but not? Yeah sowe did
the ABC test but a bunch of bros
couldnt say it sober so it was hard
to tell, ya know? Hey, hey, wait. I
love you, man.
u[sic]GA junior Jack Daniels is
one of the students who was tested
both last year and this year. He is
worried about how the new BAC
level will affect his funding for
school.
Last year I barely made the
cut off, Daniels said. I had to do
a keg stand right before I went to
my advisors office to make sure I
See BAC, page P5

slivr

we dont hav internets here

I found myself in a can of Natty Light.
Coloring 1002 is such a hard class
The guys on Duck Dynasty wore camo pants and flip flops so
now I wear camo pants and flip flops.
Einstein was a genius and he made a bagel company. Whoa.
If you sleep on your textbook, you can learn thru osmosis jones
Eaten 6 powerbars today, gonna get yoked.
Sigma Theta Delta is the best srat evurr! Luv ya sistahs!
I got a job right after graduation! My parents were so proud they
bought me a new spatula!
Fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel and now I have a
PhD is Astrophysics.
Are yall ready for Christmas?
Do it for the vineyard vines.
We get to use the answers in the back of the book on our test!
#blessed
Taking 6 hours a semester is so much werk.
I miss the old Taylor..
Red solo cup, I lift you up.
Crying because I have so much homework in Counting 2101
I AM THE BEST CORNHOLE PLAYER IN THE WURLD
Wait there is more to life than football?
Yall help. How do you pronounce read
My daddy is gunna kill you.
My daddy is gunna kill me.
Cant wait for that fried roadkill this thanksgiving.
Life is hard. Thats why I am a dwag.
I so afeard of gators.
What happens at Deer Camp, stays at Deer Camp.
Help I have fallen down drunk and I literally cannot.
My GPA is higher than my BAC. So ashamed.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 P 3

// Liessssss

, on campus All students fail drug test

GRUBER MCPHEE

CAT STUCK UP A TREE

Photo by Old McDonald Only sane person in the known universe

Pictured is the emblem for the new fraternity. The

frat wanted it to be expressly known that this paddle
is totally not going to be used for hazing, no-siree Bob.

PETER JOHNSON

INTERPRETIVE DANCER
There is a wondrous new addition to campus, / or Omega/
omega.
This alpha chapter fraternity
has really swung into action by
making a huge presence on campus before having even moved in.
They have introduced themselves by claiming the motto,
Overcome the hardest things,
one they hope that many can see
see the potential applications of.
The new fraternity will begin
with six officers and nine other
brothers to help start this chapter
with their new found ideals.
The newly elected fraternity
president, Richard Swangin,

proudly exclaimed that he could

not wait to prove to the rest of
campus what they stand for, and
how they planed to make a difference. They are very proud to have
started their history right here on
campus and hope to be accepted
as just another fraternity on the
row
Of course, with the addition
of this new fraternity, there were
many questions considering how
much they generally deviated
from the norm.
For starters, when asked,
Why are your letters not all caps
and why are your letters vertical rather than horizontal that is
widely recognized as the norm?
Brother Harold Paul Ness told us,
That is kind of a secret, however

I feel like it is pretty obvious to

see once you get to know our fine
bunch of boys.
Lastly, they were asked,
What sets your fraternity from
the rest in terms of its ideals?
Their Membership chair, Moe B.
Dick replied, We are just a group
of guys who just wanted an organization that would understand
what we were all dealing with
as people. Each of us lively men
have been suffering from a serious case of SDS all our lives and
we just wanted a place where we
could be seen as equals.
It is unclear whether u[sic]
GA will ever figure out how to
pronounce the new fraternitys
name, but Lil Richards seems to
be catching on.

During the hiring process for

new athletic event assistants, 68
applicants were busted for having biological signs of marijuana
in their system. While all 68 were
hired anyway, the university has
decided investigate the situation
because the drug test numbers
were lower than usual.
Some people think that the
cannabis craze around Athens
is unacceptable, but most u[sic]
GA students incorporate cannabis into their daily lives and all
of their everyday products. What
would students do without their
cannabis shampoo, cannabis lotion, cannabis-infused foods and
even their own clothing, which is
made from cannabis.

Even the local economy of

Athens depends on cannabis use
around the campus and the city.
Since 2009, the gross income for
bongs, Athens major export, have
boosted significantly. Many students on campus state that pot is
a major way of life around campus and relieves students from the
pains of headaches from studying
and, let alone, reading.
I once studied for a solid hour
and I kid you not, I felt like I had
ran a marathon with my brain,
said freshman Mary Jane. I had
to smoke the ganja for like three
hours.
In order to distribute the pot
among the institute staff, the university [sic] will reach out to students who failed the drug tests
and give them a free dime on the
house.

Photo by Farmer Tann Beer Pong Champion 2011

A urine test for drugs tests positive for all known drugs and a few
that are new to science. Some students still not high unfortunately.

P 4 November 24, 2014 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Mascot now wheat New lot for horses

MIKE EASTER

PROFESSIONAL DRINKER

Design by Tota Lee Stoned Only designer available

Pictured old mascot (left) and new mascot (right). The

new mascot is genetically superior to the lowly bulldog.

FOXY GRANDPA

AMATEUR TAXIDERMIST
The genetics [and farmers]
have spoken. Due the excessive
inbreeding of the English bulldog, the breed is now a genetic
dead-end and has a questionable
number of years before becoming
endangered, or even extinct.
This means that the future of
retaining the bulldog as a mascot
has been threatened, paralleling
their existence.
The administration, with
their extensive farming history,
has been increasingly disgusted
with having such a genetic mess
representing such an agricultural
oriented [sic] academic organization. Therefore, a special mascot
selection committee has selected
instead a new mascot that is more
sustainable and farming desirable: a genetically modified stalk

of wheat.
Dr. Gou Pi, the head of the
The Bulldogs Are Going to Die
so We Need Something New
committee, stated As a group,
it was understood that we would
need to find a mascot, we wanted
one that we would be able to use
for years to come without having
to worry about sustainibility, in
other words, one that will is genetically enhanced.
u[sic]GA will develope the
mascot by breeding the Stanford
Tree with the Scotsdale Community College Artichoke for extra
pointiness as well as the Santa
Cruz Banana Slug for color. The
plan is to take a stalk of wheat and
putting a face to it and is to be
called Stalk of Wheat with Face.
We are very excited for our
new mascot, Pi continued, We
hope the student body will be just
as excited as we are.

In response to rising demand

from students who got tired of
riding their tractors to class, u[sic]
GA has decided to provide a new
horse parking lot equipped with
its very own watering, feeding and
poop collection service.
The new parking lot will save
a lot of money on gas and because
horses are eco-friendly; they dont
have to think about the environment that the campus denies to be
threatened by pollution.
Its really great that I can use
my horse to get to school, said
Rebecca Humer. I even use her
to get from class to class. Im also
glad that horses poop will be used
to fertilize our football field.
Another factor in favor of the

new lot is that most students and

professor already own horses.
Faculty and staff are still considered allowing horses to come
into the classrooms, but currently,
only the handicapped students
are allowed to bring them inside
while riding them.
Many students have wondered
what the student population will
do with horses that they expire
and cant be used anymore, so to
help the campus maintain a green
status, the campus will take in
used horses and send them to glue
factory for recycling.
Currently, other farm animals are not allowed to park on
the campus, but the campus is
looking at potentially increasing
campus deer population in order
to promote hunting as a campus
intramural sport.

Design by Tota Lee Stoned Only designer available

A horse looks wistfully back at his owner in the new horse parking lot. The lot was built due to the strong demand from students.

iqu
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c
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// Liessssss

CHARMIN FROM PAGE P2

on Charmin Plus Chamomile,
magna cum laude on Charmin
Ultra Soft, and summa cum laude
on Charmin Ultra Strong.
In emergencies, diplomas can
be used just like regular toilet paper and flushed after. There is no
need to worry about septic tanks:
all Charmin diplomas are garunteed clog- and septic-safe.
Students across campus have
expressed excitement for the upcoming change, with chalk writing of Go Dawgs, wipe theyre
asses! lining nearly every walkway on gamedays.
Now my diploma has an actual use besides collecting dust,
said senior Eileen Daily.
Others have expressed their
anger with the upcoming change,
most notably the janitorial staff.
In order to maintain the partnership, at least 85% of u[sic]GAs
public restrooms and outhouses
must be cleaned and maintained.
This must be done so that visitors
to campus can use Charmins SitOrSquat mobile app to find a
clean toilet with ease.
Additionally, complaints have
arisen that the ink from the diploma printers will bleed through
the new paper and cause torn diplomas. However, Charmin guarantees that their diplomas are 3X
stronger* and tough enough to
even handle the presidents handwritten signature.
Despite these complaints, the
surplus of toilet paper on campus should promote better wiping
practices and hygiene for students,
faculty, and staff.
*Versus the leading bargain
brands diplomas.

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mediakit.nique.net

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 P 5

// Liessssss

Cocaine
covers all
of campus:
police
concerned
SASHA BLUE
ACTRESS

Recently, a mysterious white

powder has descended on Athens. Top u[sic]GA scientists were
initially stumped as to what the
cold substance was, but after days
of investigation, it was determined
to be cocaine.
Obviously modern science has
no explanation as to why a white
substance would fall and accumulate during winter months, said
Head Cow Midwife and Chief
Scientist Hurr Derdur.

Walk of shame now required

FUN KEY SMELL

KANGAROO COURT BAILIFF

Photo by Beaux Vine Claims to be related to Cher

Pictured is a simply massive amount of cocaine. Scientists are

still investigating how so much blow could have accumulated.

The theory at this point is

that the Greek deity Euterpe is
so cold that she is consuming a
massive amount of cocaine and
strong winds are causing a large
amount of said drug to spill onto
the ground, resulting in an Athens
covered in white powder.
Yeah, that makes a lot of
sense, said u[sic]GA student Alexander Dumbass. I mean, I
do lots of cocaine when Im depressed.
Several students were hospitalized after attempting to snort the
mysterious white substance off of

the ground with acute frostbite of

the nose.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my nose. IT BURNS!!
IT BURNS!!! said senior Alexander Taurs Oswald.
Further attempts to contact
victims of Cocaine-pocalypse
were unsuccessful as all were running in circles and screaming unintelligibly.
There is no word yet on whether having copious amounts of
cocaine will increase or decrease
property values around u[sic] and
Athens.

BAC

Photo by Hoe Bow Random guy on the street

Students kicking back with some booze on a Tuesday

night. u[sic]GA will raise its required BAC for students.

FROM PAGE P2

was above the limit. This year, Ill

have to take it to a more extreme
level. Im not sure how Ill do it.
The reasoning, though, behind
the change is very clear, according
to Unkalot.
Students a u[sic]GA are held
to a different standard than those
at other schools, Unkalot said.
We were worried without raising
our BAC requirement, our reputation might change. Right now we
are #1 on US News and World Reports list of [Party] Schools. We
want to maintain that.
There has not been word yet
on whether the BAC requirement
will continue to rise in the future
or not.

In an effort to combat accusations that he is a total wuss u[sic]

GA Provost and Pee Wee Herman
impersonator Judy Swallis has
made The Walk of Shame a degree requirement.
Everyone has heard the story
of a seemingly harmless night out
turning into a drunkfest at a rave,
leading to a confused someone in
a passed out someone elses bed.
Its that feeling of disorderliness,
the throbbing headache, and smell
of foreign sheets that hits students
with a pang of realization.
The end of a one night stand
begins with this realization, and
the infamous walk of shame,
when you gather up the clothes
strewn around the room, and
tiptoe out the door with shoes in
hand. This is all knowledge passed
on by word of mouth, obviously
from a u[sic]GA student.
Oh man, the walk of shame
has taught me so much, its incredible, said junior Coverdin Mudd.
It taught me to be prepared for

any situation, and put together

my own emergency pack. Oh
you name it, toothbrush, change
of clothes, towel, everything Ill
need in the morning afterwell,
you know. Ive learned so much
from my one night stands, that
Im basically a pro at the walk of
shame now!
This students reply isnt out of
the norm, considering most u[sic]
GAers are frequently part of this
hook-up culture. Participating in
the walk of shame at least once
in their college career is a part of
their degree requirement, which
makes it all the less surprising.
I think its terrible that in this
day and age all of our students
arent experiencing the wonder of
walking in the rain back to your
dorm after a drunken, meaningless hook-up, Swallis said.
This new requirement will join
other last-minute requirements
added as dares and in a futile effort to appeal to the hip-hop generation such as making an outfit
entirely out of confederate battle
flags and drinking your weight in
alcohol.

Photo by Quatro Veinte Last man on Earth

Three u[sic]GA students do the walk of shame. This

campus tradition is now a requirement for graduation.

Facts

Awk
war
dW

OPINIONS EDITOR: Reese Withoutherspoon

hite
Spa
ce

OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion

Taking Classes Ruins College

Changing learning to better life

The point of coming to u[sic]GA was to

have a good time. The school has a good
location and color schematic for taking
the perfect Instagram picture. And every
downtown experience would be much
more exciting to revel in if it werent for
the fact that we all have to go to classes the
next day.
We dont pay to go to college to have
professors and farming assistants tell us
the correct way to count our money or
manage our lawns. We dont pay to go to a
college where we are still required to take a
test the night after a night on the town. We
pay to have a good time because the rest
of life will suck when our parents decide
where we will work, but until then, no one
should be able to tell us what to do.
And if we do have classes, they are not
fair. The homework actually has words on
it, which is unfair to the illiterate half of
campus. They also require that homework
actually have legible work be written on

it, which means we cant drink all that we

want to.
In addition, each teacher assigns us
homework that all seems to be due on the
same date. Which means the night before,
everyone has to come home early from going downtown to actually do the homework, which just isnt fair. On top of that,
teachers give this long lecture each day,
but when it comes to the test, theres materials on the test which dont test football
scores or numbers of beers consumed.
Recently, the weather has went from hot
to cold and it just shows how sad Mother
Nature is for us. u[sic]GA can hurt us, but
now shes tampering with nature, which
is just the beginning of a rapid, steep,
very quick, slippery, wet, cold, depressing, slope. Pretty soon, the faculty will say
marrying your cousin or sister is illegal.
Enough is enough.
The faculty wants us to fail and its time
u[sic]GA students take a stand.

The Consensus Opinion reflects the majority opinion of everyone who has
ever been to a Nickelback concert

t.h.w.u.g.a editorial board

Captain Barbosa EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Helen Back MANAGING EDITOR
Reed Toomey DESIGN EDITOR
Adam Zappel NEWS EDITOR
Lou Poule SPORTS EDITOR
Hugh Jass LIFE EDITOR

U[SIC]GA

Noah One OPINIONS EDITOR

Cady Heron ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
R.M.Pitt PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

MATING RITUAL BY COMIC SANS

Going to Rome, Georgia counts

as studying abroad right? Cause
its like Italy? -Lizzie McGuire

E1
Friday,
November 24, 2014

YOUR VIEWS | Letter to the Editor

MY ANACONDA DONT WANT

NONE UNLESS WE SHARE DNA

Boy cousin named

Troy used to live with
us in the country.
Big dope dealer money, he was stealing my
crops.
Was in shoot-outs
with the law, so he
live in our grandparents basement.
Gave me hand me
downs all the time, he
was keeping me redneck stylish.
Now thats real, real,
real.
This dude named Michael,
used to ride tractor

Look for this new hit and

many other songs about life,
love, and dating your extended family coming out on the
new THATZ WHAT I CALL
DWAGZ GREATEST HITS
VOL. REDNECK FREEDOM in
stores this Christmas.

FACTS

Basic R Us

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

CMON BRO

Lol.#blessed. H&M. pening on PLL? LitFroyo. Chipotle. I cant erally. awk ugh srat
even. Time Hop. Im #stahp. Meet me at
just gonna steal one of Starbucks. This is my
your fries #Justsaying. jam. Snapchat. Yonce.
This is so me. 1D4L.I Instafilter.
iPhone
just want it
6
#bato be sweatYoga
awk. ugh. srat. sic.
#stahp. pants. Feel
er weather.
BAESIC GURL my legs, I
Bae. Im fine.
SHE CANT EVEN
Just saying.
just shaved.
PSL. Omg.I
P e p love Shonda. Pinter- permint Mocha. I
est. #tbt. OMg I love shouldnt be telling
her! Luv uggs. Help you this. Netflix. #omg
me choose a filter. #selfie. LOL. But first,
T.Swift. What is hap- lemme take a selfie.

Bro. Do you ies. Lets go

even
lift. get Taco Bell.
Bruh. I love Bra. PLEEEDyoga pants DGGEEE. Bras e a s o n . men. Should I
Brah. Break- wear cargos
ing Bad. Yo. with these?
Back to back Bros. I am
World
w a y
W a r
t o o
Champs
sober
Kegger. Bromance.
Brooo.
f o r
Merica. t h i s
I
m
freakSO. PRO. p a r HE LIFTS t y .
i n g
s tarv Bros
i n g .
b e Reddit. Sper- fore
hoes.
rys. Broseph. Im
gonna
I need a date get
yoked.
for
mixer. I-Week.
Sup
Kegger. Bro- man.
Nah.
mance. Mer- Bro. But reica. Brovar- ally, bro.

E2

ROUND
THE
POUND
Who let the dogs
out?

WINNIE PURCELL

ALMOST SERVICE DOG

WHO.

Adding downtown as Cow tipping: Youre

a credit hour class
doing it wrong

I woke up from my the first class kids can acthree-week long black tually get an A in. Think
out to find out a lot about of all the GPAs it will help
what me in my drunken out. Someone once said
state is like: I like to make if you cant beat em, ininappropriate
flate em, and
comments
I think that
on girls Facereally helps
book statuses, ...this will be the first students as a
my bathroom class kids can actually whole, even
was covered
across
the
in a layer of
get an A. country.
indesirnable
Heck, if
liquid, and
could,
KENT KROGER we
worst of all, I
should
COLLAR POPPER we
had watched
add different
all of Advenlevels of this
ture
Time
course to give
on Netflix. Suddenly it students as many As as
all became very clear: no possible.
one had prepared me for
Lately, the fashion merthis point in college. My chandising and turf manultimate low point. What agment majors have been
should u[sic]GA do to complaining about the
help me and my situation. difficulty of the classes.
And then it dawned on These students need to
me: we should add a class have an alternative moabout going downtown.
tive, rather than be given
Think about it, when the boot from the uniwe all came here our versity. By incorporating
freshman year, we had downtown as a major, evno idea the level of chaos eryone will be able to find
Downtown creates. There their true calling
is so much to learn and
Wait, better yet, lets
so little known that ac- have a degree with going
climating seems difficult, downtown! Kids would
which is why there needs be alot more engaged,
to be an intro course to and focused. Classrooms
help kids adapt more.
would be the different
Everyone would be in bars, and those who maa class ranked from fam- jor in going downtown
ily lineage, with cousin would help non-downassistants to help with town majors. This would
any quandries that might save lives, and the ecoarise.
nomic impact would start
The class would cover a revolution.
topics such as how to
The solution is in your
make the greatest ID hands u[sic]GA. Everyworth your buck, how to day, a student goes downflirt with the right cousin, town and doesnt know
how to get more drinks, how they got back, and
and how to walk home you could be the change
inhebreted.
they need for the taxi ride
Better yet, this will be home.

Cow tipping is a very your buddies with you

important art form which when you tip cows. Or
many u[sic]GA students even your dates. I think
seem to be neglecting. there is a Luke Bryan
Or, if students are tip- song about this. I love
ping cows,
country mulike is our
sic. Whatg o d - g i v e n This happened once ever happend
right, they
to Reba? Her
are doing it to my Cousin Jim who show was just
wrong.
was dating our other the darndest
Cow tipthang.
cousin, Lisa. You will
ping is not
just somealso
need
JOHN DEER something to
thinng anyone
can
UTTER DISGRACE tip the cow
w i l l y-n i l l y
over
with.
decide to do.
You can use
It takes time and prac- your hands but that will
tice and actual steps. It be hard. Plus cows carry
is sort of like learning Mad Cow disease on
to read but easier. Read- their fur and touching
ing is hard. I cnat do it. I them will make you turn
am having someone right into an angry cow. This
this for me write now.
is true; it happened once
Anyways.
to my Cousin Jim who
Cow tipping is muy was dating our other
importante
enchilada cousin, Lisa. They were
bonita senorita. First you on a date in the pasture
have to find the proper out back and he touched
cows. Dont choose the the cow and sure as hell
cows that only make at midnight he turned
strawberry milk because into the angriest mother
their pink leather will act loving cow I ever did lay
like a stabilizer and keep eyes on. But he sure did
them from falling down. make a good steak that
This fact is also part of Sunday. Yum.
the science that makes
You can by a prodding
strawberry milk so deli- stick at the Walmart. Did
cious. Why Mama used you know you can get to
ot make me the best Nes- the Walmart twice as fast
quik south of the Mason if you take the backroad
Dixon. Better than sweet behind the roundabout
tea. Hmmm...
on Hwy 5? With all the
After you have found time youre saving, think
your cow, you will need of all the other cows you
to make sure it is on a could tip over.
field. Sometimes, like in
Just remember kiddos,
cartoons, the cows are tipping cows is a duty
floating in the beams you have to Merica.
of UFOs. STAY AWAY Cows kill more people
DO NOT TIP A COW than sharks which is a
THAT IS BY ALIENS. fact I learned on Fox
Make sure to bring News this morning.

DOUG

SQUIRREL?!?!?!

WHO.

BAHA MEN

ONE-HIT WONDERS

WHO.

SARA MCLAUGHLIN

DOG COMMERCIAL LADY

Think of all the dogs you

could save with just one
call.
Photos by Random Chance

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

E3

OUR VIEWS | HAWT OR NAH

HAWT or NAH
Salad

Sister Wives

Sobriety

School

FACTS

Letter to the Editor:

Smoking Ban Unfair

Deer Editor,
While countries
like Oregon and Washington DC legalizing
weed I think it is idiotic that our school has
placed a ban on smoking. All those facts
on smoking being bad
for you is total cow
manure. According to
ihear tmar yjane.com
smoking relaxes you.
Being an incredibly
competitive school and

ing. Also, in the words

of Drake, YOLO.
Smoking
also
makes people closer.
Sharing a cig with people you randomly meet
in downtown Athens
is a totally rad experience. I met my current drug dealer while
sharing a Cuban with
him behind a sketchy
bar on 4/20 last year.

do not tolerate ignocommunists because

of Obama and we must
even in our Bill of Rites
Also, what are me
and my friends supposed to do for fun

talk about classes? That

is just ridiculous. I demand that the school

at least compensate
management, we need
for taking away our
to have a safe way to
smokes. Perhaps Snelblow some steam. My
ling can serve unlimitpop-pop also used
ed beer instead of pizto say that smoking
za. Or maybe beer and
makes you healthier
pizza. Yeah, we want
PUFF MASTER 24 hours of pizza and
and helps you live longer. He only died at 45
SPRING ENTHUSIAST beer.
of emfasema.
See how good I
If
these
two
am at making a point?
What would have hapto make you believe
vard Law would ever
smoking is awesome him? Who would pro- reject me. Maybe u[sic]
for you lots of famous vide my frat with all GA could give me a job
people agree with me our cocaine?
as their professional
More
impor- negosheator. I really
Marley
impersonator tantly, taking away our need a job because my
who stands in front of right to smoke is just
Five Guys asking stu- totally against every- living in their basement
dents for money. He
says buying cigarettes for. Now, your tak- a job at u[sic]GA, mayis a great investment. ing away our right to be I can just become a
You spend a few dolprofessional hobo.
lars on a cuple of packs Are you going to outand in return you get law
marrying
our space. Someone write
priceless
memories. cousins or perhaps more of this editorial.
Many great animals ban wearing camo? I think he has a really
like Tyga and Snoop And then what, tak- gud point. I like this
Lion are also strong ing away our freedom?
advocates for smok- I hate communism and

FACTS

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

E4

I love ______! (n), I exclaimed at a _____ (holiday) party.

After downing the last of my _____ (drink), I headed for the dance

I knew I needed to retrace my steps.

prep) _____ (n).

T.H.W.G. Lyfe

LYFE EDITOR:
Kanye East
ASST LYFE EDITOR:
Clark Tussell

farmersonly.com

Yall we gotta change this

Its soooo embarassing (sp?) when we
forget to change these things. It's a
trajesty. N?

N1

Friday,
November 24, 2014

u[sic]GA offers a degree in manscaping

JACQUES STRAPP

CARPET MATCHES DRAPES

This past Tuesday saw the announcement of the chance to pursue a BS in Manscaping being offered at u[sig]GA. The new degree
coincides with the hiring of manscaping professional and PhD in
Nipple Waxing Dr. Harry Bush.
Its an exciting time for u[sic]
GA, said Dr. Bush. Attitudes
need to change here on campus!

We want to show them that

their own body hair is like a majestic forest, full of delight and
whimsy. The student body is
enthusiastic for the new battery
of courses that will be offered,
including the Ethics of Pubic
Trimming, Waxing 101, and Experimental Manscaping. Theres
a surprising amount of crossover
between these courses and others, said Dr. Bush. I know many
students here struggle with geom-

etry because they mix up things

like triangles and rectangles. But
if you take our manscaping design course and spend countless
hours crafting a mans pubic hair
into a triangle, youll never forget!
I know that I often have dreams
about mens crotches.
Dr. Bush hopes that his program will turn u[sic]GA students
into responsible, active manscaping citizens. We want to maintain u[sic]GAs standards for cur-

riculum, said Dr. Bush.

Well be teaching and debating controversies in class, like the
recent push in modern manscaping to create eco-friendly chest
hair patterns for things like flowers and electric cars.
Dr. Bush also recognizes that
therell be a good deal of inertia
to fight against. We need to fight
the idea that theres something
inherently erotic about waxing
a mans nipples, said Dr. Bush.

This is an activity the whole

family can enjoy. Go ahead and
bring grandpa on down, and well
wax his nipples, too! He believes
that once this is overcome, a great
amount of potential in the student body will be unlocked. I
see a lot that could be done when
I walk around campus and see all
that glorious man-hair sticking
every which way, said Dr. Bush.
I think next year will be a challenge, but Im excited!

Photo courtesy of Jack Golf

The lack of chest hair defines the mans chest while accentuating his shapely physique. With the new BS degree offered in Manscaping, students can now
learn geometry and other mathematical things by experimenting with intricate chest and pubic hair designs on themselves and others. OW OW!!!!

Ice bucket challenge helps hygiene across campus

TIM BURR

FORESTRY MAJOR
The Ice Bucket Challenge for
ALS swept the nation a couple
months back. All partook in this
challenge from celebrities to
children to college students.
The stated reason for this craze
was to raise awareness for Lou
Gehrigs Disease, but was this the

real reason?
According to u[sic]GA officials
the ice bucket challenge began in
order to improve hygiene on campus. ALS actually stands for A
Long-overdue Shower. We didnt
want to include the O because it
wouldve sounded like a loss, and
improving hygiene is certainly
not a loss, said Dr. Bath.
He continued, Our students

smell like manure and desperation. It got to the point where professors couldnt even teach without passing out from the stench.
Perhaps this would explain the
reason u[sic]GA students cannot
compete academically with other
public institutions.
We knew if we introduced
this to just one student in Greek
life, everyone else would follow

since our students lack in originality, added Penal Stevens.

There were mixed feelings
about this movement amongst the
students. Bae Sic, a fourth year
cosmetology major commented,
I feel like I can breathe again.
Our campus has gone from smelling like poop to like the hobos
that inhabit downtown Athens.
All students werent exactly

on board with this movement,

Dick Petite, a third year Landscaping major was outraged and
said, This is merica. If I want to
smell like filth I have the right to
smell like filth. I mean they cant
take away my second and fourth
amendment rights, ya know? I
mean the eagle is the county mascot and it represents freedom and
this cleanin stuff aint freedom.

T.H.W.G. LYFE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Student creates math thang Dating ur cousin

RICHARD HERTZ

MAT-E-MATICS MAJOR
Some may be fooled into
thinking from the dim, unfocused
gaze and constant reek of alcohol
that fourth year Advanced Doohickery major Michael M. Taters
is less than intelligent but make
no mistake, those in his presence
are in the presence of genius.
I think many people are intimated by my hair-edition, said
Taters with a sly grin. His latest creation the Mathemagical
Multiplying Michael M. Taters
Machine, or the MMMM Taters
Machine could, according to
him, be one of the greatest inventions of the last half century.
The device sits upon a pile of
dirty laundry, used condoms, and
plastic baggies filled with various

illicit substances in the corner of

Taters dorm room. Its a bewildering array of levers, wheels, and intermittently blinking lights. The
machines workings is basically
that of a function performer of
the task of the multiplying of two
numbers, said Taters as he demonstrated the machine.
You just spin this thingy on
the left til you get one number,
then you spin this other thingy til
you get the other, then you crank
this wheel, he said while grunting
and straining to do so.
After several seconds of effort, the machine gave a click and
displayed a number while Taters
exclaimed, And out pops your
answer!
Taters foresees wide-ranging
consequences for modern mathematics. The history of math is

basically a history of figuring out

tricks to multiply big numbers together, explained Taters. Why
do you think it took so long to
crack the human genetic code?
Because to do it, you have to multiply really big numbers together,
like 69 and 6969.
While he is not shy about promoting the unprecedented greatness of his creation, Taters is also
open to admitting its faults.
Typically we get errors somewhere in the range of twenty
percent when we get our answer,
but thats still pretty awesome for
calculations of this speed, said
Taters. Now all we need to get all
these calculations done is a lot of
dudes with really strong arms.
Taters explained hed like to
encourage his fellow students to
follow the path of engineering.

GETTER DUNN

a smile. Youve never seen such a

magnificent smile, and when the
sun glistens off of all seventeen
of her teeth, part of you starts to
melt.
Finally, she walks up to you,
and you begin to realize youve
found the one. This has undoubtedly been the best family reunion
ever.
Most people tend to frown
upon the act of dating your
cousin, therefore making it hard
to live a normal, happy life with

CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Youre caught up in the moment. You have butterflies in your
stomach, and someone couldnt
drive a nail in your hind end with
a sledgehammer at this very instance. Youve just seen the most
beautiful girl that youve ever laid
eyes on, and you dont know what
move to make next.
Just as you begin to walk
away from the fried chicken line
she looks at you and breaks into

See DATE, page N4

OFF
ON/OFF
Photo by Sue Flay Student Publications

These two cousins practice the art of kissing. If you dont have a
special someone, remember to hit up your next family reunion.

Ha

nd

Inv
Po ita
Br st C tion
oc ar s
hu ds
res

TECHS ON CAMPUS
PRINT RESOURCE!!!

bo
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CONTACT US TODAY!!!
404-894-3570

www.pcs.gatech.edu
pcs@oit.gatech.edu

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11/3/14 4:41 PM

T.H.W.G. LYFE

Get ya fashion on 4 ya cuz

JACK HAMMER

THE BEST WRITER

We are proud to say that the
newest trend sweeping across the
globe actually originated from our
very own continent of Athens.
The all-things denim craze continues to gain new followers with
even the well-spoken Sarah Palin
seen in an ensemble of denim on
denim.
If you want to impress that special family member youve set your
eye on or you just want to wear the
perfect outfit to the cow-tipping
party, denim is the way to go.
Light-washed denim long sleeve
shirts over a dark-wash denim
thong paired with denim overalls
is the perfect outfit to get cousin
Billy to finally notice you. Just
imagine how cute you and Billys
somewhat strange-looking children will be dressed in cute little
denim hats for the yearly family
photo sessions.
The other hot trend for the
season is duct tape. Now the stuff
that your dad uses to tape up his
special family homemade movies that he wont let you see is
becoming a major fashion trend.
Who wouldve thought?
If youre just not in the mood
to wear clothes, just wrap the
duct tape all around your body
for a comfortable yet stylish look.
By placing the duct tape on your
mouth, you will surely get some
compliments and you will even
burn some calories when you
try to talk. A fashion style and a
weight-loss mechanism all on one!
Genius.
And of course we can never
forget to add the classic trend
camo to the wonderful fashion
advice list. By coming in a variety
of colors, camo can spice up any
outfit. By wearing camo, you can
show off your hunting knowledge
while protecting the only amend-

ment you know: GUNS, AMMO,

FREEDOM! Also, remember you
can always wear denim, duct tape,

and camo all at once if you really want to show off your fashion
sense.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

DATE

FROM PAGE N1

your significant other. The following guidelines will help to

ensure a fruitful relationship with
your third, second, or if youre a
real player, first cousin, all while
avoiding getting caught.
1) PDA The first sure sign of
two people that are head over heels
for each other is the way they act
together in public. You may think
that in order to not get caught you
shouldnt show any sign of affection while around others; right?
Wrong.
The checkout line at Walmart
is a completely appropriate place
to show the world how you feel
about your sugar blossom; just
make sure you announce it loudly
that youre not related afterward.
2) Social Media This is where
things can get a bit tricky. You
may have the urge to change your
Farmers Only relationship status
from Lone Bull to Tending to
a Heifer, but its going to raise
a number of red flags with great
Aunt Melba when you cant bring
the special lady over to listen to
her stories about her first six marriages while helping to butter the
biscuits.
Pictures can also be a threat.
As tempting as it may be to post
all 113 selfies from your weekend
vacation trip to the IKEA, people
will generally start to ask questions.
3) Family Gatherins Theres
no better way to kill two rocks
with one bird than to attend a mutual family gathering with your
other half.
You get all the joys of spending quality time with your loved
ones, in addition to being able
to inconspicuously give her the
naughty look every 45 seconds.
The best part about it is that you
wont even have to worry about
too many other family members
hitting on her.
At the end of the day its just
important that youre both happy.
Cousins that dont date are missing out on a opportunity.

Arch used for

pole dancing
JOE MOMMAH

THE SECOND BEST WRITER

Generally mistaken for the
great McDonalds arch, the u[sic]
GA black arch is now being used
for a more atheletic and engaging
purpose: pole dancing. Led by the
wonderful Hrne Lverr, the pole
dancing classes teach students
skills they can use throughout
their lives.
Since a u[sic]GA diploma is
basically useless, these classes can
help students get a more financially secure job after college. I mean
it certainly gives students more
options besides the local Hooters even if the chicken breasts are
too die for. Besides, ever since Ive
taken to the streets Ive got a lot of
Benjamins, said Lverr.
Since there was such a high
demand for these classes, Lverr
decided to start the classes immediately. She even uses the classes
to spice up her personal life.
These classes definitely help
me and my cousin Bob get it on
if you know what I mean. Even
though we are still very much in
love after meeting at Grandma
Glorias funeral, its still nice to
keep our relationship fun and interesting. After all, with the looks
Bob gives second-cousin Sally, I
get kind of worried sometimes,
Lverr said.
Lverr is a strong advocate for
the Exotic Dancer major that will
hopefully come to u[sic]GA in the
near future. Then her beloved pole
dancing classes could be used to
help students get a degree.
The art of the pole is a beautiful thing, and I cant wait for
students to finally realize that. Its
such an expressive form of art,
Lverr exclaimed.

Georgia Techs
Journal of the Arts and Literature

Submit your artwork, poetry or prose

for the 2015 edition!
For more information: visit erato.gatech.edu
or e-mail erato@gatech.edu

To H

wi

Geor

This space provided as a publ

Hell

ith

rgia!

lic service by the Technique.

C0rnHub

HER MAJESTYS JESTER:

Weiner Hands

I1

LESSER KNOWN BROTHER:

Gabe Skywalker

entertainment@nique.net

Friday,
November 24, 2014

Age of Ultron? Mor lyke Age of Ultra-Terrible

SMITTY
WERBENJAGERMANJENSEN
HE WAS #1

The second Avengers movie, at

just over two minutes runtime,
was a huge letdown. Avengers: Age
of Ultron dedicates an entire 45
seconds, a full third of its length,
to narration. While this does ensure audience members will know
what is happening in the film, it
also makes for a rather boring storyline with no plot twists or surprises.
Black Widows line Nothing
lasts forever, though profound,
does not make sense. Aside from
this heartfelt interjection, Iron
Man and the bad guy who looks
like General Grievous but is really
Pinocchio are the only two characters with speaking roles.
It is quite obvious from this
that Marvel has run out of ideas.
Their latest movie is just a lot of
jump cuts between bizarre action scenes, the resulting devastation, and Captain America kicking open a door for no apparent
reason. This leaves little room for
the actors to give moving performances, and many of the Avengers seem flat and just as underdeveloped as the civilians who run
away screaming as cars get flung
across the streets.
Perhaps the most shocking
part was the ending. [Spoilers
ahead] Never before have the
Avengers been so utterly defeated.
Though it is not shown, the movie
strongly indicates that all of our
heroes died violently off-screen,

Design courtesy of Toddler Girly

and half of the Captains shield

is all that remains of the once
mighty Avengers. This is quite a
depressing ending, leaving Evil
Pinocchio to rule the world, presumably forcing the survivors to
sing creepy background music.
Even with the complete lack of
structure, Age of Ultron manages
to stick with Marvels habit of in-

Road Kill Flambe

cluding nods to other storylines

and characters.
Aaron Cross from the Bourne
series appears wielding a bow in
several scenes, Kick-Ass, sporting
a costume with more muted coloring, is shown running on a train,
and Elle Brody from Godzilla is
inexplicably screaming at the sky
as though that might be Evil Pin-

occhios one weakness.

For more dedicated fans, there
have been rumors that Smagol
Andy Serkis Gollum makes an
appearance in this film, though
his cameo must be extraordinarily
brief, as it has not yet been discovered.
Also in keeping with their
traditions, Marvel placed a mid-

credits stinger in their newest

movie. This is perhaps the most
cryptic one yet, for, though speculation abounds, there is no definitive answer as to what comic book
story Marvel is referring to by the
code May 2015.
It is possible that the sparks
around the calligraphy refer to the
rebirth of a phoenix and that perhaps our beloved Avengers are not
as dead as they appear, but this
is, of course, merely wild speculation.
Despite its terrible plot, lack
of transitions and miniscule runtime, Avengers: Age of Ultron has
met with excitement and praise.
The bafflingly positive reception might, in part, be due to its
length. By the time someone realizes that the movie is not nearly on
par with other Marvel releases, it
is already half over, and the viewer
might as well spend another minute and watch the end, on the off
chance that it might get better.
Another explanation for this
unwarranted acclaim could be the
movies non-traditional release.
Instead of first appearing in theatres, Age of Ultron went straight
to television. Due to its short
length, it often is placed in the
middle of other shows during the
time usually reserved for commercial breaks.
The entire movie is also legally
available online and can be found
on sites such as Hulu and even
YouTube. The widespread availability of this movie has made it
extraordinarily popular with over
a million viewers already.

Prof deciphers nu English

KIMYE

LEFT BUTT CHEEK

Photo courtesy of Toddler Girly

HOW DO I SPELL MY NAME

I KEEP FORGETTING. OOPS.

Yall come right down here to

the best restaurant in Athens, (not
that Greece one, if you go there
youve gone too far) Georgia. Mamas Boy is the place to go for all
your fried food needs for breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
A buncha college kids cum
round here, and we serve a
heapin plate of Freshman 15

with a side of a pointless degrees

(fresh thrown out from last semesters graduates). Anyways, we now
serve a fancy appetizer of fried
beer.
How do we fry us up some of
this wonderful liquid delicacy,
you may ask? Well, just walk of
shame your butt down here and
find out. We also offer made-toorder, deep fried roadkill (you kill
it, we fry it...for a small handling
fee).

Four huntin seasons ago, Professor Dice Lo Obvio began educating hisself on a language. He
named it Far Lang, as the people
speakin it live a ways from here
on a map. Recently; Professor Lo
was able to talk to a native Far
Lang speaker.
This meeting was very edumacational. Lo has now found the
native name of Far Lang is English.
Professor Lo said somethin Far Lang isnt like what u[sic]GA
students think of as English. The
native speakers ironically believe
that our language is a mutation
of theirs. I have, over the course
of much learnin and books, found
that Far Lang is a distant relation
of our English. Unlike what the
Far Lang speakers thinks, I have
found that it comes from English,
not the other way around.
Professor Lo said something
else - I feel sorry for them. If only
they were not so close-minded,
we could help edumacate them.
They dont even have words for
simple ideas such as aint or yall.
Far Lang takes a while to say anythin.
After a lot of studyin, Lo found
that Far Lang is similar to English.
The main things that are different
between the two are: 1 - the addition of random letters at the end

Photo courtesy of Toddler Girly

of words (most usually this is a g

on the end of words such as fishin
that end in -in) and 2 - Far Lang
speakers seem to like sayin things
in round-about ways with longer
words. Hows about an example:
Jo axed Lou kinya gimme a
hand with huntin fore the season
ends? Is need tuh get nuff for winter.
Translated to: Jo asked Lou
Are you able to give me some assistance with hunting before the
hunting season is over. I need to
[untranslatable: get nuff for winter].
It seems like Far Lang speak-

ers do not hunt and stock enough

food to last through winter. They
go to the store and buy meat when
they run out. Professor Lo has reason to believe that some Far Lang
speakers do not go huntin at all.
The next time school starts,
Professor Lo will be teachin a
course on Far Lang. This class be
called Far Lang, the Other English out of respect to the incorrect beliefs of the native speakers.
It is classified, along with Math,
Learn to Add, Advanced Humor: Makin Puns and Talk to
a Phone, as a foreign language
class.

Philanthropy at Work
Philanthropy fosters
flexibility, continuity, and
interdisciplinarity. It
empowers me to execute
a vision for the future.
Wayne K. Li
James L. Oliver II Professor
of the Practice in Design and
Engineering
Wayne Li is the director of
the Innovation and Design
Collaborative (IDC), an
interdisciplinary program fostering
design thinking, innovation, and
collaboration among schools and
colleges across campus. Housed
in the Price Gilbert Memorial
Library, IDC is designed
to change the way Tech
undergraduates think, interpret,
and solve problems.

As the Oliver Professor of the Practice, Li brings

years of professional experience in design strategy
and product design, from Ford Motor Company and
Volkswagen to Williams Sonoma. He holds an MS in
engineering from Stanford University, and a BFA in
design and BS in mechanical engineering from the
University of Texas at Austin.
Hometown: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Hobbies: Drawing, photography/film, tennis, racing
cars (auto crossing)

The goal of creating 100 new endowed chairs and professorships is a top priority for Campaign Georgia Tech,
the $1.5 billion effort to enable Georgia Tech to define the
technological research university of the 21st century.

I 3 November 24, 2014 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// CORNHUB

Gud play is gud

Photo courtesy of Toddler Girly

DALE

TURF ENTHUSIAST, DAIRY SCIENTIST

u[sic]GA put on deconstructed
performance of Oklahoma (the
musical).
Most productions of Oklahoma
are boring affairs on stages with
sets and props and scripts. This
production just features students
in farmer-wear and cows milling around the u[sic]GA campus,
challenging the very notion of
what a play is.
Whats Oklahoma? said actor Hugh Hick, obviously still too
immersed in his character to answer our questions.
The performance included students milking cows, riding tractors and playing horseshoes, asking us to imagine the world of the
characters of Oklahoma outside of
the traditional narrative.
It also features fantastic costumes, exactly what you would
expect the characters in Oklahoma

to be wearing.
Dude, this is what I always
wear, said actor Cletus Farmerton responded when asked where
she came up with her costume of
plaid overalls and straw hat.
In one particularly spectacular commitment to authenticity
one actress became intoxicated on
moonshine and passed out on a
bale of hey.
Where is the toilet, I need
to vomit? said the actress Tue
Drunk after pretending to be
passed out of four hours.
One bad part of the performance is when several performers
broke character. One performer
put on a Taylor Swift album,
which while what you would expect a farmer to write, was written
several decades after Oklahoma
takes place.
Overall, the whole performance sticks in its commitment
to represent what turn-of-the-century farm country was like.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 I 4

// CORNHUB

Best Album of the Year! Listen Now!

SHANIA NOBRAIN

MAN, I FEEL PRETTY STUPID

Here is some very important newz for all yall u[sic]

GA students. The best album of the year is out and you
can listen to it right now. Just click the pointy triangle
lookin thang.
This music is the bomb-dawg-diggity. Its called
Dwagz Bop. Volume: Murica. Its got all the new hit
singles, like Who let them Dwags out?, Erry Dwag
must have his day, and Snoop Dwags hit, Why iz yizzle spelling my namizzle wrung?
Dwagz Bop is everything any u[sic]GA student needs
for a massive frat party or just a night out workin on
your tractor.
Did you know you could even download these songs
onto your phone and play them anywhere. Thats the
wonder of wi-fried. Wut.
When I first heard this album, I was like Thats a
whole lot of barking for some human music. But then
I remembered I am a dwag too.
Next year, Dwagz Bop Too: Murica Caw Caw will
be realeased. We are very excited. The word around the
pound is that one of the songs will also feature the stylings of Farmer Jones and his harmonica. Dwagz.

technique

Design courtesy of DwagzTunes

Join the

Technique
Flags Bldg 137 Writers, Designers, Photographers

nique.net

/thenique

@the_nique

Georgia Tech Martin Luther King Jr. Celebration January 8 January 25, 2015

ML K Ret ur ns, 2 0 1 1 C r yst a l Bo r d e ( ht t p :/ / via myviewf ind er.b lo g sp o t .c o m)

Civil Rights to
Human Rights:

The
Courage
to Act
Dont miss your chance to tour
the new Center for Civil and
Human Rights for FREE.
www.civilandhumanrights.org

Tickets are limited.

EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.

Thursday,
Jan. 8

Wednesday,
Jan. 14

Thursday,
Jan. 15

Sat. Sat.,
Jan. 17-24

Monday,
Jan. 19

Sunday,
Jan. 25

For more
information

CAMPUSWIDE
STUDENT
CELEBRATION:
Coming Together
to Fulfill the Dream
Student Center
Ballroom
7 p.m.

MLK Jr. Lecture

Student Center
Ballroom
3 p.m.

FOCUS Program
Georgia Tech Hotel &
Conference Center
Runs until Jan. 19

Civil and Human

Rights Tour
Center for Civil and
Human Rights

KEYNOTE SPEAKER:
Julian Bond civil
rights activist and
former NAACP
chairman.

A program for
prospective minority
graduate students.

A reflective journey
at one of Atlantas
newest attractions.
Limited number of
FREE tickets for Tech
members, family, and
friends.

NATIONAL
MLK HOLIDAY
OBSERVANCE:
A Day of Service
8 a.m.-2 p.m.

SUNDAY SUPPER:
A Community
Conversation
and Meal
Student Success
Center,
Press Room A & B
6-8 p.m.

Visit www.diversity.
gatech.edu/MLKcelebration, or call
the Office of Diversity
Programs at
404.894.2561
or 404.894.1664
(TDD).

Dinner and dialogue

about the 2015
MLK Celebration
events and the new
generation of leaders
dedicated to Dr.
Kings legacy. 100
spaces available.

Please let us
know if you need
a reasonable
accommodation
to participate.

Student speeches,
cultural performances,
candlelighting
ceremony. Reception
to follow.
Visit:
www.diversity
programs.gatech.
edu.
Contact:
llue3@gatech.edu.

RSVP:
www.diversity.
gatech.edu/mlkinstitute-lecturersvp.
Contact:
sandra.duplessis@
vpid.gatech.edu.

Contact:
andre.dickens@
omed.gatech.edu.

Register for tickets at:

www.diversity
programs.gatech.
edu.
Contact:
jennifer.abrams@
gatech.edu.

Georgia Techs fifth

annual MLK Day
of Service. 250
volunteer spots
available.
Visit:
www.engage.
gatech.edu.
Contact:
sarah.perkins@
vpss.gatech.edu.

Visit:
www.engage.
gatech.edu.
Contact:
sarah.perkins@
vpss.gatech.edu.

Copyright 2014 Georgia Institute of Technology Institute Communications B15C9010e An equal education and employment opportunity institution

C O L O R
T H I S
// CORNHUB

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 I 6

I 7 November 24, 2014 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

HEHE FUNNEE

maize.

HEHE FUNNEE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 I 8

Students resemble surprised

Patrick, new SpongeBob movie...
SOLD OUT!!
u[sic]GA campus sent into chaos when students are unable to find tickets for the
new movie, The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water. Students can be found crying in corners around campus and faculty are worried for the mental health of the
kids. The tickets are assumed to be sold out and there is no hope in sight. HOW
DID THE SELL SO FAST?

Photos courtesy of PaperMag, Marvel Studios, Paramount Pictures, NASA, HBO, Summit Entertainment, Muse Productions, Universal Pictures

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DAWG
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BLACK

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S1 November 24, 2014

SPORTZ

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Janziel: NCAA shouldnt

have let Gurley play
JOHNNY FOOTBALL
BROWNS WATERBOY

By Harry Pitts Dwags Illustrated

The dude with the O on his chest has just been informed that u[sic]GA has a basketball team. He
is currently seeing a specialist for the amount of emotional trauma this has caused him to feel.

Students shocked to find out that

u[sic]GA has basketball team
WET GRAYNEZKY
CORNHOLE LEGEND

The u[sic]GA basketball team

is coming off a 2013-2014 season
that saw the Bulldogs go 20-14
(12-6 SEC) and make an NIT
Tournament appearance.
Due to the recent success of the
program, some students are finally
realizing that their school does indeed have a basketball team.
Junior John Harrison is one of
the few basketball fans on campus
who followed the team prior to
last season.
He discovered that they had
a team during his freshman year
when one night he was walking
home drunk and accidentally
walked straight into Stegeman
Coliseum.

Harrison is excited for the upcoming season and thinks other

students will be as well.
Ive been here for three years
and most students here werent
even aware we had a basketball
team, but after squeaking out
wins last season against top notch
programs like Gardner-Webb and
Western Carolina, I dont think
the program will be neglected any
longer, Harrison said.
Harrison believes the excitement generated by the success of
last years team will get more students out to the games and hopefully create a better home-court
advantage for his beloved Bulldogs.
I truly expect the attendance
in our student section to be about
twice what it was last season. It

would be a stretch to say that we

could get 30 kids here, but I definitely think we will have an average of 20 show up to each game,
Harrison said.
Harrison may be excited
about increased attendance at the
games, but dont put head coach
Mark Fox on that list.
Im really not excited about
the possibility of having more
than a couple people see me do
my thing out here on the court,
Fox said. I know Im a pretty
good coach, but Id like to keep
that a secret. It really wouldnt be
a good thing for my job security if
people started to recognize me as
one of the better coaches in college basketball. Im not trying to
get run out of town every time I
lose a game.

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Todd Gurleys suspension and

subsequent reinstatement by the
NCAA for selling his autograph
has given everyone a chance to
voice their opinion. Some very
smart people feel that what he did
was totally fine and should not
have been punished at all, while
other complete lunatics say that he
should be suspended from football
forever. Current Cleveland Brown
and former Texas A&M quarterback Mohnny Janziel, no stranger
to controversy himself, offered his
thoughts on the matter.
I think Gurley absolutely
should have been banned from the
sport, Janziel said. And not just
at the collegiate level; Im talking
about all of football, for the rest
of his life.
What he did was a disgrace
to the game of college football.
How dare he attempt to profit off
of his likeness. Doesnt he know

that only the university is allowed

to do that?
Janziel came under similar fire
in college, when questions surfaced concerning whether or not
he was also profiting off of his autograph. When asked about this,
Janziel was taken aback, calling
his situation totally different
from what Gurley was facing a
month ago.
Look, all I did was sign some
autographs for some very wealthy
football boosters, but at least I
did it for free. Sure, they ended
up secretly buying me a new car
and a Faberge egg, but as far as the
NCAA is concerned, I was clean.
Gurley was approached for his
thoughts on this article, but he
wanted to charge us 100 dollars to
use his quotes and another 250 for
a picture. Meanwhile, the much
less notable Bulldog quarterback
Hutson Mason actually paid us
for a quote.
Hey! I made the paper! Mason said, to the tune of 50 bucks.

Photo courtesy of Danny Karnik

Gurley got in a lot of trouble for just signing his name. Just
goes to show ya: reading and writing are tools of the devil.

SPORTZ

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 S 2

SPURRIER

FROM PAGE S5

because hell be free all January.

Call Mark Richt The Steel Curtain because only he can stop Todd Gurley from
scoring.
The Free Gurley movement had more national support than #Kony2012.
Last time Georgians rallied around a
cause, Sherman came marching through.
Dont know how Georgia keeps getting
all these 5* running backs every year. Dont
they know there is no u[sic]-G-A in College Football Playoff? Well actually, their
recruits cant read, so Im not surprised they
keep coming.
Christmas time is almost here and nothing but coal and ashes for Georgia fans this
year, courtesy of Saint Richt.

Will Muschamp named head coach in waiting

Photo by Squilliam Pigg The Deliverance Journal

Muschamp will fit right in at u[sic]GA. A former player himself, he has plenty of experience barking, growling, growling, and barking during games, as seen here.

DERRICK DOOLEY
DISAPPOINTING SON

Photo courtesy of Jeffrey Davis Daily Gamecock

Based on multiple reports,

Will Muschamp will no longer
be the head coach of the University of Florida football team
after this season.

Right on the heels of these

reports are rumors that he may
head back to his alma mater
to become the coach in waiting behind head coach Mark
Richt.
Students had mixed reactions when asked about their

opinions on the potential hiring of Muschamp. Some students were apprehensive.

I dont really know much
about him. But there was that
game where the Gators had just
27 passing yards. Theres no
way you can beat a team with

numbers like that, said freshman Ash Wynn.

Other students were cautiously optimistic, while glad
to have a Georgia legend come
back home.
I guess once hes done mulling his options, he wont have
to say banal things like I love
UF. This will at least put less
miles between him and u[sic]
GA, even if itll be a huge freeze
on his career, said sophomore
Jack Lucas.
Still others seemed confused
by the simple question.
Muschamp? More like
Mus-not-champ! Am I right?
said graduate student Erin
Murray.
Muschamp would bring
the mindset behind UFs high
powered offense with him to
u[sic]GA.
Teaming him up with offensive coordinator Mike Bobo,
who was also his college roommate, could result in a terrifying offense that is bound to
bring tears to u[sic]GA fans
eyes.
In general, the feeling is that
Muschamp would bring a sense
of consistency that Richt has
never managed.
In his time at u[sic]GA,
Richt has put together strong
teams that never could quite
get past the proverbial hump to
win a championship.
That streak would be kept
intact, as a team lead by Muschamp would cause no such illusions.

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S3 November 24, 2014

SPORTZ

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

Fox hoping to lead team to NIT berth

LP

hutson

mason

HUTSON MASON

FOTBALL STARTING QUARTERBACK

If you having quarterback problems I
feel bad for you son, I got 99 solutions and
being a star quarterback is one. Sup, Dawg
fans. Just in case my NFL career doesnt
work out, which it will... Im going to hit
the rap game real hard. Like real hard.
Finna be a star cuz Im always spittin
hot fire. Heres a sample dawgs, its called
Dan:

By Natty Rabulsi Bark Like a Dwag Publications

Head coach Mark Fox want to bring the basketball team to heights it has never seen before. He is seen here instructing a
player on the most effective methods to beg for calls from the referees.

RICHARD BUTTE

INTRAMURAL ENTHUSIAST
After yet another season of falling below
expectations, basketball head coach Mark
Fox is setting the bar even higher. He believes that this team has the talent to go all
the way and earn a spot in the postseason
NIT tournament.
I truly believe this young group of guys
is one of the best teams I have even had the
pleasure to coach, Fox said. Since Im the

head coach Ive had plenty of opportunities

to see them practice, and youd be shocked
at how consistent our free throws are. Were
making them almost half the time!
The team does not get nearly enough recognition compared to the footbal team, but
Fox is hoping that their on-the-court success
this season will change that.
When our fans and student body see
how much weve improved in both our flopping and our ability to goad calls fro the
officials, well, theres no telling how far our

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Dear Hutson, I wrote me but you still

aint calling. I left my iPhone, snapchat, twitter info at the bottom.
I sent two letters back in August, you
must not of got em. There must be some
kind of problem with gmail or sumthin?
Sometimes I type email addresses
wrong, but anywys f*ck it, whats up
big dawg? Hows your father?
My girlfriend is pregnant, Im bout
to be a father. If I have a son, Im gonna
name him after you.
I read about your coach Mark too,
some fans who didnt want em.
I know you probably here this every day, but Im yo biggest fan. I even
watched you play in high school too.
I have your poster, autograph and
spare house key in my room.
Anywyas, I hope the email comes
through, hit me back, just to snap, truly
yours, your biggest fan. This is Dan.

popularity will soar, Fox said.

Fox feels that this team can compete with
some of the best NIT hopefuls in the nation,
including schools like Indiana University
Purdue University Indianapolis (IUPUI)
and Texas A&M... Corpus Christi.
The season is off to a disappointing start,
as the team lost to rival Georgia Tech for the
fourth year in a row. They will have to beat
Ohhh. That sh*t was on fiyahhh. Gonpowerhouses Florida Atlantic and Chatta- na be the real deal. Even though Im prolly
nooga in the coming weeks in order to have going first round in the draft, Im keep
any shot at their postseason dreams.
rappin . Wont let ya down dwags.

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SPORTZ

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 24, 2014 S 4

Chubb coming on strong when it matters most

By Uncle Fill The Bel Air Times

Freshman running back Nick Chubb is killing ittttttttt as you can see from this graphic bro. Chubb has already ran for over
1000 yards this season. So cool and only a freshman. Some people are comparing him to HERSCHEL WALKER!!! OMG!!!

JIM TEBRO

ESPN8 THE OCHO

Gurley who? Thats what u[sic]GA fans
have been saying this year with the recent
resurgence of Chubb, Nick Chubb and he
is a freshman running back from Gods
country.

Lately, this here country has become

Chubb country as u[sic]GA fans have been
gone into full-on Chubb support mode.
Chubb has kind of come out of nowhere
this season as he wasnt expected to get as
much playing time due to the wealth of talent u[sic]GA has at running back.
Head coach Mark Richt and his other

coaches were rosterbaiting all summer and

it only intensified when they found it that
Chubb was better than adveritsed.
He came into summer camp and wow
we were impressed with his size, his stamina, and how hard he hits the hole, Richt
said. In todays football you just dont see
that kind of combination of size and speed,

or above

Join us
at 6:00 PM

th
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2015 at 5 PM

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learn more at www.gtambassadors.org

especially at running back.

Chubb measures out to to be 69 inches
tall and weighs 228 pounds. He is bigger
than most linebackers and opposing players
have trouble containing Chubb and stopping him from going the distance.
He is just so big. So large. So fast. So
powerful. I have to play against this guy
next year and hes ONLY a freshman. Let
me get the birth certificate, for real, said a
junior linebacker from Auburn who asked
to remain anonymous.
After starter Todd Gurley was suspended, Chubb became the feature back and he
has been crushing opposing defenses.
Its been a joy to watch him in action
and this is just the beginning. I cant wait
to see how Chubb develops over the next
two years. Were only going to have him on
campus for two more years. If we dont win
the championship with Chubb, then I deserve to be fired, Richt said.
Some analysts and fans have already begun to compare Chubb to former Heisman
winning running back Herschel Walker as
well as current running back Todd Gurley.
Personally, I think he will be better than
Gurley next year, but it will be tough for
Chubb to beat out Herschel Walker.
I think Chubb is already better than
Gurley. Hes not as good in the screen
game, but our offense has been amazing with Chubb getting over 30 touches a
game. He could easily go over 1600 yards
this season if we make it to the playoffs. Im
going to go ahead and start the campaign
early for next year: Chubb for Heisman,
said u[sic]GA fan Gareth Cutchens.
With only a few games left, Chubb will
keep getting plenty of action. Richt and
company are hoping to not have another reenactment of the UF game and are hoping
to lose the SEC Championship game again.

Sportz

SPORTS EDITOR:

Stephen Tae Smith

ASST. SPORTS EDITOR:

Pawl Finebaum

sportz@thwuga.net

Muschamp named coach in waiting.

Former u[sic]GA player, Will
Muschamp, will be the next head
coach of the dwags. Sic em. S2

HOW TO BE A TRUE DWAG FAN

HANDSY MAGOO
ETERNAL PL

As we all know, those pesky

Yellow Jackets are coming into
town this weekend.
Thanksgiving weekend is a
time for family and friendship,
and if you are a true fan of the
DAWGS like myself, you have got
to know these tips for showing
the Georgia Tech fans what true
southern hospitality is all about:
1. Bark in their faces: Everyone loves a pet dog, so what better
way to welcome the Tech faithful
than constantly bringing them
the joy of a barking bulldog.
Surely every u[sic]GA student
has taken the required barking
classes (shoutout to my Animal
Impersonating Majors!), but in
case you forgot, it should sound
something like this:
WOOF WOOF WOOF
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
WOOF WOOF WOOF.
Bonus points for being really
loud and right in their face; they
will really appreciate that.
2. Spit on em: Apparently
Auburn fans dont like it when we
spit on them, at least according to
some vocal ones online.
But Tech fans are different:
they constantly talk about pissing on us dawgs, so the only fair
way to reciprocate is to spew them
from the other end.
Tis the season of giving, after
all.
5. Swear at them: A lot. Did
you know that Techs fight song
includes the phrase To Hell With

S5
Friday,

November 24, 2014

The
Rub
on
Chubb

1069

Chubb has run for 1039 yards

this season. Chubb is averaging 6.8 yards per carry and has
11 total touchdowns through 10
games.

169

The number yards per game

that Chubb has been averagaing
since Todd Gurley was suspended.

10.69
Chubbs personal record time
in the 100 meter dash in high
school.

Photo by Bad Bad Leroy Brown Ballin Hard

A u[sic]GA fan is getting ready to spit a loogie at some opposing fans during a u[sic]GA football
game. Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Sic em! Go dwags!

Georgia? And that all fans from

preschoolers to the elderly chant it
at their games?
Well I have never heard such
foul language from an 80 year old
man since my granddad stubbed
his toe on the barn door again.
Obviously Tech fans are okay
with the devils language, so feel

free to call them the worst names

you can imagine. Its what they
want.
G. Throw things at em: Poor
Tech fans have to watch the triple
option all season; they probably
dont even know what a forward
pass looks like.
Surprise them with a flying

beer bottle or hot dog. That will

surely keep them on their toes and
add some excitement to their day.
As Georgia students and fans,
you represent the university [sic]
and the city of Athens every time
you interact with an opposing fan.
Make sure you give them the
right impression.

999969

Numbah of times Chubb has

been compared to former running
back Herschel Walker.

347.69

Chubb needs 347.69 yards to

pass Gurleys career high of 1385
yards from his freshman year.
Chubb is on pace to pass it soon.

Statue to be built to honor Spurrier u[sic]GA Athletic Department to

hire UNC academic counselors

HATIN A$$ SPURRIER

OWNER OF DAWGS

Whooooo. Geoorgiaaaa
I hear I am getting a statue
built outside that toilet bowl of a
Stadium in Athens. They told me
it was because after my victory
this year, that no one has beaten
Georgia more than me.
I dont really consider it quite
an accomplishment though since
I like owning dogs.
Im getting the red carpet
treatment too. Theyre throwing
me a parade and giving me the key
to the city.
First time there has been a
parade in Athens since 1981. Im
going to put that key in their football trophy case. No one will ever
think to look there.
I know u[sic]GA players are
looking forward to the Belk Bowl.
First time u[sic]GA players will be
given free clothes without breaking NCAA rules.
Special shoutout to Marshall
Morgan for missing that 28 yard
FG. Morgan aint no stranger to
the law either. Only a Georgia
player would get charged with
boating under the influence.
I also want to thank Mark
Richt and Mike Bobo for the assist in my win against the Dawgs.
Intentional grounding. Lol.
Thats the nickname for their

STEPHAN F. GREER

AF-AM STUDIES MAJOR

Photo courtesy Jeffrey Davis Daily Gamecock

Steve Spurrier coaches his Gamecocks to a win against the Flordia Gators. Spurrier is a much better coach than Richt.

passing attack this year.

Mark Richt would make a
great President one day. Hes a
mastermind at inspiring hope, but
only to let everyone down come
November.
The last time Mark Richt won
the SEC Justin Beiber still lived

in Canada, no one had seen Kim

Kardashins butt, and Lindsay Lohan hadnt done coke.
Call Mark Richt Leonardo DiCaprio because he cant win the
big one.
Call Mark Richt Santa Claus

See SPURRIER, page S2

In a move that has Bulldog Nation ecstatic, the university[sic] of

Georgia Athletic Association has
announced the hiring of 5 former University of North Carolina
academic administrators and the
release of the current academic
support staff. The news comes just
3 weeks after the latest NCAA
Graduation Success Rate (GSR)
report was released, in which
u[sic]GA ranked 5th out of 14
SEC schools.
u[sic]GA athletes have certainly not had it easy in the classroom.
With infamously rigorous majors
such as Turfgrass Management,
Dairy Science, Elementary
Level Literature, and Furnishin
Interiors, it is truly remarkable
that players can perform at such
a high academic and athletic level.
Almost every athlete utilizes
the vast number of student tutors
that the Athletic Association employs, but many players have recently complained that the tutors
are simply not enough.
The tutors are nice and all,
but they still make us do our
own homework and take our own
tests, complained one football
player (who requested anonym-

ity), as he leaned on his recently

acquired crutches. They wont
even let us use calculators in my
senior algebra class.
The consensus among both
players and coaches is that the
new administrators will help athletes focus on sports because they
aint here to play school.
Football coach Mark Richt
said that he is excited for the
changes to come and added that
he is looking forward to [his]
players taking these new innovative paper classes.
Not only are the administrative changes beneficial for current students, but they will also
provide a huge boost to u[sic]GAs
recruiting efforts.
Im excited for new classes
like Introduction to Field-Line
Painting and Bail Law 101, I feel
like theyll be really useful. said
five-star football recruit Trenton
Thompson, whose role models include Isaiah Crowell.
The new staff wont be cheap,
with 6 figure salaries being paid
to each, but the investment will be
well worth the cost, according to
McGarity. His athletes will never
have to worry bout there classes
again and can finally focus on
returning u[sic]GA athletics back
to its glory days.