Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Can You Do
It without Screaming?
by William S. Dean
(08/15/07)
"Why are there no wet marks on the bed and why didn't your parents hear
us?"
"I'm a ninja..."
"gasp I had ninja sex?"
-- Urban Dictionary
There are many varieties of ninja sex being practiced right now. Like other
arts, with their crane-tiger, mantis-snake, drunk monkey-pirate wench styles
and forms, ninja sex, too, can be broken down into picturesque types. For
example, among parents with small children, one of the major styles might be
called "The Tiny Footstep" also known as "Did you hear something?" Trying
to avoid waking sleeping infants and small children while having sex is a
remarkable activity with many movements worthy of a master ninja. Have
you reached the level of the barkless doggy, grasshopper? Or perhaps you
and your creative partner have attained the exquisite "Reverse Cowgirl
Without Yeehaw."
Near silent and stealthy sex is not just for parents, of course. The roommate,
dorm room, or "my parents are upstairs/downstairs" forms have been well
known to sneaky lovers for centuries. I suspect in the full scope of
retrospection, I've earned a "red belt" in ninja sex several times over. The real
challenges are in not having ordinary bed sex while maintaining a stealthy
silence and a minimum of movement. Beds creak no matter how sturdy, not
to mention the tell-tale rhythm of fucking which eavesdroppers seem to be
able to detect from a mile away.
Another time, after one member of a threesome had passed out snoring on
the floor, we carried on -- being vewy quiet as if hunting wabbits -- for several
hours without disturbing his cozy slumber.
Perhaps the consummate act of ninja sex, however, is when a dorm roomie
is barely more than a room's width away and any "transgression" will result in
expulsion or at least unwanted campus gossip. Dorm beds are tiny to begin
with and not at all designed for two partying, wine-drinking, sloppy sex lovers
to have a semi-private orgy in the dark. But -- thank the Goddess -- it can be
achieved if one is well-versed in the consummate skills of ninja sex.
And if you haven't yet performed The Silent Screw or the Quiet Coitus,
grasshopper, you are not yet ready to leave the temple and become a sex
ninja.