IN THE GLOAMING EPISODE 3 December 2009: The Night

Whisperers

By
Nathaniel Tapley
 Cast of Characters
Melmoth Darkleigh: Nathaniel Tapley
Laura: Emma Powell

Gary: John Voce

Sheila: Sally Chattaway
Andrea: Lizzie Roper

Brian: Darren Strange

Daphne: Zoe S Battley

Roy: Nathaniel Tapley

Ghost: Ruth Bratt
 IN THE GLOAMING EPISODE 3 DECEMBER 2009: THE NIGHT
WHISPERERS
Scene 1: Melmoth’s castle

(MELMOTH’S CASTLE - THE WIND HOWLS, AND THERE

ARE MOANS AND CRIES IN THE BACKGROUND.)
SOUND: A HAMMERING SOUND, AS IF MELMOTH IS PUTTING UP
DECORATIONS.

MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
Deck the halls with boughs of chicken, fa la la la
la, la la la la. ’Tis the season to be sick in, fa la
la la la, la la la la. Don we now our gay apparel, fa
la la la la la la la la.

SOUND: THE HAMMERING GETS A LITTLE MORE FERVENT.

MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
Sealing guests inside a barrel. Fa la la la la, la la
la la.

SOUND: THERE ARE MUFFLED SHOUTS AS THE FINAL NAIL IS

POUNDED IN.
MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
Well hello! Come in! Come in! Come in and warm
yourselves.
SOUND: AN OPEN FIRE CRACKLES AND POPS
MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
In this increasingly commercial age it’s all too easy
to lose sight of the true story of Christmas: where
God rapes an underaged girl, forces her to bear his
child, ensures that she gives birth in an unsanitary
shed, makes her - and the husband who resents both
her and the child that isn’t his - leave their
friends and families and go into hiding for years
whilst ensuring all of the babies and toddlers in
Israel are put to death. It never fails to warm my
cynical, old heart. So, in the true Christmas spirit,
this month’s tale is: ’The Night Whisperers.’
SOUND: HE POKES THE FIRE

MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
Mmmm... There’s nothing I like more than the smell of
chestnuts roasting over an open fire.
SOUND: THERE ARE SCREAMS IN THE FIRE SOUNDS.

MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
Chess nuts, Monopoly nuts, fans of any board game,
really...
 2.

Scene 2: A BEDROOM. NIGHT

(GARY AND LAURA ARE ASLEEP, GENTLY SNORING)

SOUND: A BABY MONITOR CRACKLES INTO LIFE, AND WE HEAR A

BABY CRYING.
SOUND: THE BABY CONTINUES CRYING.
LAURA
Gary.
SOUND: PAUSE, THE CRYING GOES ON.
LAURA
Gary.

SOUND: NO RESPONSE.
LAURA
Gary!

GARY
(SUDDENLY AWAKE)
I’m doing the thing! I’m in the middle of the thing.
I’m doing it. What?
LAURA
It’s your turn.
GARY
What time is it?
LAURA
3:42
GARY
I just did one at 3!

LAURA
And I did one at 3:15. It’s your turn.
SOUND: PAUSE.
GARY
Bloody hell.

SOUND: GARY GETTING OUT OF BED, AND LEAVING THE ROOM.

GARY
(HEARD THROUGH THE MONITOR)
All right, Boofles, all right. Who’s Daddy’s smelly
girl? Yes, who’s Daddy’s smelly girl? Shall we take
your nappy off? Shall we? Who’s Daddy’s- Oh God! Oh
God! What did you eat? Why is it green. And moving.
And- No! It’s pouring out! Hang on! Don’t start
weeing as well. Don’t wee on my hands. Don’t wee on
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

GARY (cont’d)
your hands! Don’t put your wee-covered hands in your
mouth! Now, I’ve dropped the- There’s human poo on
the floor. There’s no need for human poo to be on the
floor. Have you finished? Good. You liar! You said
you’d finished...
SCENE 3: A BEDROOM. NIGHT
(WE FADE IN AS GARY RE-ENTERS, MUTTERING)

SOUND: GARY FLUMPS BACK DOWN ONTO THE BED.

GARY
She hates me.

LAURA
Gary.
GARY
She saves it up because she hates me.

LAURA
Gary.
GARY
What?

LAURA
I love you.
SOUND: BEAT.
SOUND: THE MONITOR GOES OFF, AND THE BABY IS CRYING AGAIN.

LAURA
I think this is technically still part of your
turn...
SOUND: GARY GETTING UP AGAIN.

GARY
She hates me.
SCENE 4: INT. KITCHEN. MORNING

(THERE ARE VARIOUS EARLY MORNING SOUNDS. THE

KETTLE IS BOILING)
SOUND: LAURA YAWNS.
SOUND: GARY SHUFFLES IN.

LAURA
Is she asleep?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

GARY
I don’t know. She might just be preparing an ambush.
LAURA
Oh, stop. Do you want anything?
GARY
For the cold, clammy hand of death to come quickly
and take me to the rest and silence of the grave.

LAURA
With sugar?
GARY
Two, please.

SOUND: LAURA MAKES A CUP OF TEA.

GARY
What time do the baying hordes arrive?
LAURA
My parents will be here at three. Yours will be here
late afternoon.
GARY
Why did we agree to a big family Christmas again?

LAURA
I’m not sure we did.
GARY
We could take advantage of her being down, and no one
getting here for a few hours...

LAURA
What are you suggesting?
GARY
Well, I thought we could go upstairs...
LAURA
Yes?
GARY
And take off all of our clothes...
LAURA
Pyjamas, but yes?
GARY
And then we could have a good, hard nap.
LAURA
Mmmm...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

GARY
Multiple snoregasms.
LAURA
That sounds lovely.
GARY
Happy Christmas Eve.
SOUND: THEY CUDDLE.

SOUND: A VERY LOUD BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR.

SOUND: BOTH GARY & LAURA SIGH.
SOUND: MORE BANGING.

SOUND: THE BABY BEGINS CRYING FROM UPSTAIRS.

SCENE 5: INT. FRONT HALL.
CONTINUOUS.

(THE BANGING CONTINUES, AND THE CRYING CONTINUES

UPSTAIRS)
SOUND: THE DOOR IS OPENED.
GARY
Hello, Sheila-
SHEILA
Gary. Sorry we’re early. Couldn’t be avoided. Carry
these would you. This is Andrea. Say hello, Andrea.

ANDREA
Hello.
SHEILA
Don’t slouch, Andrea, we’ve nothing to be ashamed of.
We’re coming in, Gary. get those bags up to our room,
would you?
SOUND: THEY PUSH IN PAST GARY.
GARY
Why don’t you-

SHEILA
(OFF)
Gary, where do you keep the herbal teas?
GARY
Make yourselves at home.
 6.

SCENE 6: THE KITCHEN

(SHEILA AND ANDREA ARE CLATTERING ABOUT THE
KITCHEN)

SHEILA
Andrea, will you pass me that teapot. No, the big
one, Andrea, the big one, don’t be such a clot!
Sometimes I wonder what you’ve got between your ears.

ANDREA
(FEELING HER HEAD)
At the back it’s mainly hair. The front has a variety
of facial features. Do you want me to go through all
of them?

SOUND: LAURA COMES IN WITH A CRYING BABY

LAURA
Sh-sh-sh-sh. Mum, what are you doing here so early?
SHEILA
Darling, the traffic was awful and you really should
do something about these cupboards. Is that the baby?
It looks lovely.
SOUND: THE BABY WAILS.

SHEILA
Give it to Andrea, she used to be a midwife. Where’s
that husband of yours got to?
LAURA
He’s taking your things upstairs. Where’s Dad?

ANDREA
Baby needs sausage.
LAURA
What?

SHEILA
Listen to Andrea, darling, she trained in the 70s,
when it meant something. Have you got a sausage for
the baby?

LAURA
No!
ANDREA
That’s a sausage cry.

SHEILA
Andrea says that’s a sausage cry.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

ANDREA
How much sausage is Baby on at the moment?
LAURA
None!
ANDREA
Baby should be on at least four chipolatas or a long
link of Cumberland by this age.

LAURA
Mum, who is this woman? And where’s Dad?
SOUND: A SCREECH OF CAR BRAKES ON GRAVEL OUTSIDE.
SHEILA
Ignore him, Laura. Ignore whatever he says.
SOUND: A CAR DOOR SLAMS, AND FOOTSTEPS RUN TOWARDS THE
HOUSE.
LAURA
What is this, Mum?
SHEILA
How do you open this window?
SOUND: WINDOW BEING OPENED, AND SHEILA LEANING OUT.

SHEILA
Go away! You’re not wanted here!
LAURA
Yes, he is!

BRIAN
(OUTSIDE THE WINDOW)
Sheila! Don’t do this to me, Sheila! Think of all the
good times we had, Sheila. Think of all the bridge we
played!

SHEILA
Go away, Brian!
BRIAN
I can’t live without you Sheila. I can’t live without
you, I can’t eat without you. I’m not sure how the
cooker works!
SHEILA
It’s all very well-

BRIAN
Is it in Fahrenheit or Celcius? It doesn’t say. What
does fan-assisted mean? Do I have to fan it? Please
come back to me, Sheila!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

SHEILA
Brian, I’m with Andrea now.
ANDREA
Stay strong, Sheila.
BRIAN
Is she in there? I’ll get you, you home-wrecker!
SOUND: BRIAN TRYING TO CLIMB IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.

BRIAN
You wrecked a home with your tongue and stubble-free
kissing!
LAURA
Dad! Come in through the front door.
SHEILA
Go home, Brian!
BRIAN
I should have known. She even looks like a man. She’s
got a wide, man’s face!
ANDREA
It just looks wide from the front!

BRIAN
What do you see in her? What do you do together?
SHEILA
She pays attention to me, Brian. She’s interested in
me.
BRIAN
I see. And what do you two do together?
SHEILA
We talk. We listen to the Archers. We play online
golf games.
BRIAN
And dildoes? Are there a lot of dildoes involved?
ANDREA
Yes. We’ve both got them in our arms.
SOUND: BEAT.
SHEILA
Those are elbows, Andrea, you stay out of this.

SOUND: GARY COMES IN

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

GARY
What’s all the noise?
SHEILA
Andrea and I are lesbians.
LAURA
Since when?
SHEILA
It’s been about an hour and a half now.
SOUND: KNOCKING ON THE KITCHEN DOOR
DAPHNE
Knock knock! Only us. Sorry we’re early, but we know
how treacherous that road is so we left nine hours to
get here. Is that tea? Can I smell tea? Let’s have
some tea. Roy, they’ve got the tea on.
ROY
Oh yeah?

DAPHNE
Tea, Roy. This must be the baby. Hello, you. Needs
more sausage. Sluggish. Right. Who’s who? Jesus
Christ! Excuse my French but you have got one very
wide face. Don’t she, Roy? I said: ’Don’t she have a
wide face?’ Wide, Roy, isn’t her face wide? Eh? Eh?
ROY
Oh yeah. Very wide.

GARY
I’ll get everyone some tea.
SCENE 7: INT. A BEDROOM. DAY
(LAURA IS GENTLY COOING TO THE BABY)

SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS.

GARY
Ah, there you are.
LAURA
We’re just getting ready to have some food, aren’t
we, Boofles?
GARY
I’ve put a camp bed up for your dad in the living
room. He keeps looking at our DVDs to see if we’ve
got any about lesbians; your mum and Andrea are
arranging the herbal teas by season; and my parents
are rifling through the booze. And you know
something?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

LAURA
What?
GARY
You look beau-

SOUND: THE WHINE AND SPLASH OF AN EXPRESSING MACHINE.

LAURA
Sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of the
expressing machine.

GARY
I was saying how beautiful you-
LAURA
No, the sound of my breasts being electronically
elongated and compressed to squeeze fluid out of them
is making it very difficult to hear you.
GARY
I love you!

LAURA
Yeah. Black, no sugar!
GARY
Right. Bye.

SOUND: GARY GOES OUT

LAURA
You know what I wish, Boofles? I wish they’d all just
leave us alone...

SCENE 8: THE DINING ROOM

(EVERYONE IS EATING OVER AN UNCOMFORTABLE
SILENCE.)

ANDREA
So, Baby hasn’t taken to the breast?
LAURA
No, not really.

ANDREA
Well, in these situations, Laura, sometimes the
problem isn’t with Baby. Sometimes the problem is
with the breast.
LAURA
Pardon?
ANDREA
I could show you how to get her to latch on if you
want. If you take the breast like this, and squeeze
down hard with a twisting motion-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

LAURA
Ow!
ANDREA
The nipple should present quite cleanly.
LAURA
I’m bleeding!
ANDREA
Ah, the red milk! That’s the sign of a good feed.
ROY
(TO HIS WIFE)
So, the one with the wide face, is he the dad?

DAPHNE
No, that’s the mother’s girlfriend. They’re lesbians.
ROY
Say again.

DAPHNE
They’re lesbians.
ROY
Say again.

DAPHNE
Lesbians.
ROY
Didn’t catch it.

DAPHNE
Lesbians.
ROY
And again.

DAPHNE
Lesbians.
ROY
Eh?

DAPHNE
Lesbians.
ROY
Oh, I know. From the Lebanon.

SHEILA
You really should let Andrea help, darling. It’s
perfectly obvious that that baby has a butter
deficiency. It should be on an all-butter diet.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

GARY
She’s not an ’it’, she’s a ’she’.
BRIAN
What I don’t understand is, if you’re going to have
vibrators, why not just stick with men?
ANDREA
If you mash some gin and spam up into a paste, it
works wonders for colic.

SHEILA
This quiche is really very adequate, darling.
SOUND: ROY BEGINS COUGHING VIGOROUSLY.

ROY
Oh dear.
DAPHNE
Oh dear.

ROY
Oh no.
DAPHNE
Oh no.

ROY
I can’t eat that.
DAPHNE
He can’t eat that.

ROY
There’s something in that.
DAPHNE
There’s something in that.

ROY
That’s got something in. Smell that.
DAPHNE
Urgh. There is. There is something in that.

LAURA
There’s onion in it.
DAPHNE
Oh no!

SOUND: ROY RETCHES

DAPHNE
Onions? Well I never did.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

ROY
That turns my stomach that does.
SOUND: THERE IS THE SOUND OF CRYING OVER THE MONITOR.

DAPHNE
Revolting.
LAURA
Shhh!

DAPHNE
He’ll need some water.
LAURA
I’m going to have to go to her.

GARY
Just leave her. She’s got to learn to put herself
back to sleep. Right. I’ll get you a glass of water,
Dad.

SOUND: ROY GAGS AGAIN.

ROY
Thank you.
SOUND: GARY LEAVES.

DAPHNE
Onions! Cheese! This whole thing’s a disast-
LAURA
Shhhh!

SOUND: WE HEAR A SHUSHING OVER THE MONITOR, AND THE BABY

IS SOOTHED.
SOUND: PAUSE.

DAPHNE
Rude. Roy could have choked, you know.
SOUND: GARY COMES BACK IN, AND PUTS A GLASS DOWN IN FRONT
OF ROY.

GARY
There you go.
LAURA
Thank you.

GARY
What for?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

LAURA
For going in to her.
GARY
I didn’t.
LAURA
We heard you shushing her. Over the monitor.
GARY
You heard the tap running maybe. I was getting Dad
some water.
LAURA
That’s not funny, Gary. That’s really not funny!

SOUND: LAURA GETS UP AND LEAVES THE TABLE.

SOUND: GARY SIGHS AND GOES AFTER HER.
DAPHNE
You know who is funny? Joe Pasquale.

SCENE 9: INT. THE KITCHEN.

CONTINUOUS
(GENTLE SNORING CAN BE HEARD THROUGH THE BABY
MONITOR. THE PARENTS CAN BE HARD TALKING AND
LAUGHING THROUGH THE WALL.)
SOUND: GARY COMES IN
GARY
What’s the matter?

LAURA
Nothing’s the matter, I’m just listening to her. If
she stops breathing we’ll never hear with all that
racket in there.

SOUND: THE BABY SNUFFLES AND MURMURS

LAURA
She’s stirring. It’s too loud.
GARY
She’ll be fine.
SOUND: GARY COMES UP BEHIND HER AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND
HER.
LAURA
You didn’t go in to her?
GARY
No, she put herself back to sleep.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

SOUND: SOMEONE COOING GENTLY TO THE BABY, SHUSHING AND

SAYING COMFORTING THINGS.
GARY
See, someone even heard her then and went to see.
It’s not too loud. It will all be all right.
SOUND: SOMEONE HUMMING ’SILENT NIGHT’
SOUND: GARY KISSES THE BACK OF LAURA’S NECK.

GARY
Come on, let’s go back in.
SCENE 10. INT. THE DINING ROOM.
CONTINUOUS

(WINE GLASSES ARE GETTING KNOCKED, AND CUTLERY

DEALT WITH MORE HEAVILY. BOOZE IS FLOWING)
BRIAN
Is it the fingering? Is it because there hasn’t been
enough fingering recently.
SHEILA
It’s not the fingering.
BRIAN
Since the Millennium I just haven’t felt up to it.
But, don’t forget, I fingered you for almost 72 hours
solid during the Guildford Folk Festival 1974. I
couldn’t write for a week after that. My fingers were
the texture of lemon drizzle cake.

ANDREA
I love lemon drizzle cake.
BRIAN
It’s a good cake. Rubbish at holding a pen, though.

SOUND: GARY AND LAURA COME BACK IN, WITH THE MONITOR. THE
SINGING IS STILL GOING ON.
GARY
Is that Mum up there with Boofle, then?

ROY
Hang on, mouth full, chewing, chewing, with you any
second.
SOUND: HE SWALLOWS EXTRAVAGANTLY.

ROY
No.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

SHEILA
She’s under the table. She had Deal Or No Deal
downloaded, and wanted to catch up while she wasn’t
missing anything up here.

DAPHNE
(FROM UNDER THE TABLE)
No deal, Noel!
SOUND: THE HUMMING IS STILL COMING FROM THE MONITOR.

GARY
Oh no.
SOUND: GARY AND LAURA RUN OUT OF THE DOOR.

DAPHNE
Well, under normal curcumstances he shouldn’t have
dealt. Got lucky, Noel. He got very lucky.
SCENE 11: INT. THE NURSERY.
CONTINUOUS

(THE BABY IS SNORING SLIGHTLY)

SOUND: THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AND GARY AND LAURA FALL INTO
THE ROOM.

LAURA
But there was someone here! I heard her!
GARY
I heard her, too. I heard her... I think I heard her.

SOUND: LAURA IS OPENING CUPBOARDS, AND LOOKING UNDER THE

COT.
GARY
Maybe it was just coming through from next door.

LAURA
Why would the Jewish family next door be playing
’Silent Night’?
GARY
Because they like the tune? Maybe it was picking up
noise from the street.
LAURA
It was a woman, Gary, I heard her. You heard her.

GARY
I thought I heard her.
SOUND: THE BABY BEGINS TO CRY.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

LAURA
Now look what you’ve done.
GARY
What I’ve done?
LAURA
Just go and look after everyone, would you?
GARY
Fine. Fine.
SOUND: GARY LEAVES.
SOUND: LAURA STARTS SHUSHING AND ROCKING THE BABY.

SCENE 12: INT. THE DINING ROOM.

CONTINUOUS.
(THE PARENTS ARE ALL QUITE MERRY NOW.)
SHEILA
It’s a fact. Children are too mollycoddled these
days. It stunts their brains. Just look at all of the
things that used to be good for babies.
ANDREA
Spam.

SHEILA
Spam.
ANDREA
Firework displays. The cold. All healthy things.

DAPHNE
Cigarette smoke. Our ones loved cigarette smoke,
didn’t they, Roy? Couldn’t get enough of it.

ANDREA
You’ve got to show a baby who’s boss. Sometimes
getting a hat with ’I’m the boss’ written on it
helps.
SOUND: GARY COMES BACK IN.

GARY
Look, Laura’s coming back in a minute, let’s talk
about something else.
SHEILA
See? Swimming in the canal. And they all survived.
All except Derek Forbes. he drowned. The point was,
whatever didn’t kill you made you stronger.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

BRIAN
Apart from polio. That could leave you really badly
crippled.

SHEILA
Yes, but it was healthy crippled in those days. There
weren’t ramps and wheelchairs. You got on with it.
GARY
Maybe I’ll go and get her.

SOUND: GARY LEAVING

DAPHNE
There weren’t as many blacks back then, either.

SCENE 13: INT A BEDROOM.

CONTINUOUS
(LAURA IS LISTENING TO THE MONITOR AGAIN,
BREATHING NERVOUSLY)

GARY
There you are! What are you doing in the bedroom in
the dark?
LAURA
Listening.

GARY
It was just a noise.
SOUND: THROUGH THE MONITOR THE MOBILE STARTS TO PLAY.

LAURA
What’s that?
GARY
It’s the mobile, it’s probably in a draught.

LAURA
That’s it. I’m bringing her in here.
GARY
Don’t bring her in here. She’s got to get used to her
own room.

LAURA
I’m going-
GARY
Don’t!
SOUND: HE GRABS HER.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

LAURA
Gary, will you let go of my arm?
GARY
Fine. But I’m not sleeping in here if she is.
LAURA
Then I guess you’re not sleeping in here.
SOUND: SHE LEAVES.

GARY
This is ridiculous.
SOUND: HE STAMPS OUT.

SOUND: OVER THE MONITOR WE HEAR A CHUCKLE.

SOUND: OVER THE MONITOR WE HEAR THE NURSERY DOOR OPEN, AND
LAURA SAYING ’HELLO, BABY...’
SCENE 14: INT. THE DINING ROOM.
CONTINUOUS.
(THEY ARE ALMOST SCREECHING NOW)
SHEILA
Precisely. If he’s a black and he’s a bastard, it’s
not racist to call him a ’black bastard’ is it. It’s
just a statement of fact.
SOUND: GARY STORMS IN.
GARY
Right. Bedtime. Dinner’s over. Time for bed.
DAPHNE
He’s sending us to bed, Roy! Our own son, is sending
us to bed. Why, the cheek of it! The nerve of it! Why
I’ve a good mind to give him a damn good thrashing.

ROY
Oh yeah.
GARY
The quicker you get to bed, the quicker you can open
your presents in the morning.
DAPHNE
That is true. Come on, Roy, let’s get to bed.

ROY
Oh yeah, is it?
SOUND: DAPHNE & ROY LEAVE

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

ANDREA
Sorry, where do we hang our stockings?
GARY
I’m afraid, Andrea, that no one knew you were coming,
so-
ANDREA
You don’t think Father Christmas will be able to find
me. I knew this would happen! He can’t find me any
year!
SHEILA
Come on, let’s see if we can’t write him a note.
ANDREA
It’s not fair!
SOUND: ANDREA & SHEILA LEAVE
SOUND: GARY STARTS MOVING FURNITURE AND MAKING BEDS.

BRIAN
So. Just us men, eh Gary? Time to crack open the
single malt and talk about the ladies until dawn.
GARY
Brian, I’m going to be sleeping on the sofa, so I’d
appreciate if you kept quiet.
SOUND: GARY PUTTING OUT PILLOWS AND DUVETS AND GETTING
UNDRESSED
BRIAN
Right you are. Straight off to bed. No messing about.
No messing about in bed like the lesbians do. So,
what do you think about Sheila becoming a lezzer,
then, Gary? What’s it like to have a muff-diver for a
mother-in-law.

GARY
I’m turning off the light, Brian.
SOUND: LIGHT SWITCH.
BRIAN
Ooh, dark. Very dark.
SOUND: PAUSE.
BRIAN
Dark enough to get up to some really lesbian stuff, I
reckon. Probably having a go at the old soixante-neuf
as we speak. Tentative at first, she’s new to this,
but she warms quickly to the soft touch of another
woman,as her tongue-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

GARY
Right, I’m going to sleep in the shed!
SOUND: GARY LEAVES.

SCENE 15: A BEDROOM. NIGHT

(LAURA IS ROCKING BOOFLES, WHO IS GURGLING
HAPPILY)

LAURA
Shhh, my boofle baby, shhhh... That’s it. That’s it.
Only a few more minutes until your first Christmas.
That’s right. Christmas Day. I just wish we could
spend it alone.

SOUND: THE WINDOWS BEGIN TO RATTLE.

LAURA
What’s that? Why are the windows shaking? It’s just a
plane going over or something.

SOUND: THE WINDOWS SHAKE LOUDER

LAURA
What’s going on? What’s going on?
SOUND: A THROATY CHUCKLE IS AUDIBLE AS THE WINDOWS AND
FURNITURE RATTLES.
LAURA
Who is it? What is it?
GHOST
I’m coming! I’m coming!
SOUND: THE RATTLING GROWS LOUDER.
SOUND: LAURA SCREAMS.

SOUND: THE BABY CRIES.

SOUND: THE RATTLING BECOMES DEAFENING.
SCENE 16. A BEDROOM. NIGHT

(THERE IS DEAFENING SNORING. DAPHNE AND ROY ARE

BOTH SNORING VERY LOUDLY.)
SOUND: THE CHUCKLE BEGINS.
GHOST
(WHISPERED)
Death... Death...
SOUND: ROY WAKES

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

ROY
Eh? Whassat?
GHOST
Death... Death...
SOUND: BEAT.
ROY
Say again?

GHOST
Death...
ROY
And again?

GHOST
Your death...
ROY
Come again.

GHOST
(DROPPING OUT OF A WHISPER)
Oh, for Christ’s sake! Your death! I’m talking about
your death!

ROY
Oh yeah, I know. Yeah. Very good.
DAPHNE
(WAKING)
What is it Roy?
ROY
It’s a wossname.
GHOST
A ghost.
ROY
Oh yeah.
GHOST
I’m a ghost. I’ve come to haunt you with a vision of
Christmas past.
DAPHNE
Sorry, what was your name again? I haven’t got my
glasses on.

GHOST
I’m a phantasm, what does it matter what my name is?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

DAPHNE
My name’s Daphne, this is Roy, what’s your name?
GHOST
I- It doesn’t- Fine. Amelia. My name is Amelia. Happy
now?
DAPHNE
That’s not a very good name for a ghost.

GHOST
This is why I didn’t want us to get bogged down in
names.
DAPHNE
I can see why. That is a rubbish name.

GHOST
Just hush.
SOUND: THERE IS A WHOOSHING SOUND.

SCENE 17: EXT. A PUB. NIGHT.

(THE WIND HOWLS, AND RAIN FALLS.)
DAPHNE
Why are we here? In the rain? Oh, that’s our old pub!
Hello, our old pub!
GHOST
Look! Here comes a young man, carrying a big pack on
his back, desperate to get out of the rain.

SOUND: BANGING ON AN OLD DOOR. WE CAN HEAR ALL OF THE

SOUND EFFECTS BEHIND THE STORY.
GHOST
And here you are inviting him in.

DAPHNE
Now, that was a nice blouse. I liked that blouse.
GHOST
And, in order to repay you for your kindness, he’s
offering to make you some soup.

DAPHNE
You like soup, don’t you, Roy?
ROY
Oh yeah.

GHOST
And here you are tasting the soup.
SOUND: A SLURPING NOISE.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

SOUND: ’OH NO. OH GOD NO. THERE’S SOMETHING IN THAT.

SOUND: A SCUFFLE.

GHOST
But you didn’t like the soup. In fact you disliked it
so much you...
SOUND: THERE IS A CLUBBING SOUND.

GHOST
You beat the young man to death.
ROY
There was something in that soup.

DAPHNE
It was disgusting.
SOUND: A GRINDING NOISE.
GHOST
And you minced up his body to use in your pub
lasagne. But, what’s this?
SOUND: A BABY CRYING.
GHOST
In the man’s pack there was a baby. And you can’t
mince up a baby, can you? But you could keep him to
sell him. Only trouble is, you never find a buyer.
DAPHNE
No, they didn’t like the look of him. Ugly little
bleeder. Waste of time that was.
SOUND: WHOOSH
SCENE 18: INT. THE KITCHEN. NIGHT

(THERE IS A HISSING SOUND. THE GAS IS ON.)

DAPHNE
Now what are we doing in Gary and Laura’s kitchen?
GHOST
There’s a nice surprise for you at the back of the
oven.
DAPHNE
What is it?

GHOST
Why don’t you lean in and take a look?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

DAPHNE
All right. I will.
(HER HEAD IN THE OVEN)
No, I can’t see anything, but I can smell something,
I can smell gas.
SOUND: THE GHOST BEGINS TO CHUCKLE
DAPHNE
No Let me go. She’s pushing me in, Roy, she’s pushing
me in! Get her off me, Roy?
ROY
Oh dear.
SOUND: ROY GRABS AN IMPLEMENT. DAPHNE CONTINUES
STRUGGLING, CLANGING AGAINST THE SIDES OF THE OVEN.
GHOST
What’s that, Roy? Are you going to some at me with
the electric carving knife? Are you?

ROY
Um. Yeah.
GHOST
But what would happen if the knife didn’t want you
to, Roy? What would happen if the cord decided to
wrap itself around your neck, Roy?
SOUND: A FWIP, AND ROY STARTS GURGLING
GHOST
And then it attached itself to the light fitting,
Roy, so you were hanging up like a Christmas
decoration. How long do you reckon you’d live, Roy?
How long? Longer than Daphne?
SOUND: ROY AND DAPHNE GURGLE AND DIE.

GHOST
Hm. About the same.
SOUND: WHOOSH
SCENE 19: INT. ANDREA’S FLAT.
NIGHT
(THERE IS A FAINT MEOWING SOUND)
SOUND: WHOOSH

ANDREA
Why am I back in my flat? I’m not done with being a
lesbian!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.

GHOST
But you aren’t a lesbian, are you, Andrea?
ANDREA
I am! I love lezzing off and golf!
GHOST
No, Andrea, you’re just a very lonely lady who ran
off so quickly she forgot to leave food for her cats.

ANDREA
Oh, my babies!
SOUND: MORE FAINT MEOWING
GHOST
They’re not looking very well, are they, Andrea? That
one looks all right. Fat, even. But didn’t you used
to have another one, a little one?
ANDREA
What is this?

GHOST
This is now. This is Christmas Present.
SOUND: BEAT.

ANDREA
Sorry. To be clear, does that mean you’re going to
give me a present?
GHOST
No. But I can help you get back to your cats.

ANDREA
Oh, please yes!
SOUND: WHOOSH

SCENE 20: EXT. A BUSY ROAD. NIGHT

(CARS RUSH PAST AT GREAT SPEED)
GHOST
Look, you can hail a cab. Just answer me one thing.
When did you intend to kill her?
ANDREA
Kill who?
GHOST
Sheila. She’s got lots of money you know.
ANDREA
I know.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

GHOST
Is that why you put rat poison in her quiche?
ANDREA
Yes.
GHOST
Thanks. Off you go.
SOUND: A LOUD SQUEAL OF BRAKES, ANDREA SCREAMS, THERE IS A
CRASH.
GHOST
This is a very treacherous stretch of road.
SOUND: WHOOSH

SCENE 21: EXT. A GRAVEYARD.

NIGHT.
(THERE IS THE SOUND OF A FUNERAL IN PROGRESS.)

SOUND: WHOOSH
BRIAN
What am I doing here? Who are you?
SHEILA
And why’s he-
GHOST
Right. Short version. I’m a ghost. This is Christmas
Future.

SHEILA
And what’s your name?
GHOST
What difference does it make?

SHEILA
I shall want to know who I’m complaining about if
this vision isn’t up to scratch. I saw a fortune
teller in Worthing last year. Rubbish visions. I need
to know-

GHOST
Fine. My name is Amelia.
BRIAN
That’s a rubbish name for a ghost.

GHOST
I know!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.

BRIAN
So, whose funeral is this? There are two coffins?
SHEILA
A big one and a little one.
GHOST
Car crash. They’d left Gary at home, and were coming
to see the two of you. Of course, you now lived in
different houses, so the had to drive between them,
and the road was slippery, and the other driver was
on his way back from the office Christmas party.
SOUND: SOIL BEING THROWN ONTO COFFIN LIDS.
BRIAN
She’s down there. She’s down there in that box.
SHEILA
What do we have to do to stop this?
SOUND: WHOOSH

SCENE 22: EXT. THE ROOF. NIGHT

(THE WIND BLOWS AND OWLS HOOT)
SOUND: WHOOSH

SHEILA
Why are we up on the roof. What is it you want us to
do?
BRIAN
Don’t you see? If they were driving between our
houses then we should get back together, so they
wouldn’t have to!
GHOST
No. You should kill yourselves.

BRIAN
But getting back together would have the same effect.
GHOST
Technically yes, but the point of the visions is to-
BRIAN
How about it, Sheila, will you take me back to save
our child’s life?

SHEILA
I’m sorry, Brian, it’s over.
BRIAN
But if we don’t, then...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 29.

GHOST
Then you’ll have to kill yourselves. Chop chop.
BRIAN
Couldn’t we just live in the same house, so they
wouldn’t have to-
SHEILA
I’m afraid not, Brian. Can’t be done.

BRIAN
Right, then. I’ll go first. I just have to know one
thing before I die.
GHOST
What’s that?

BRIAN
Did you do any lezzing last night before you went to
sleep.
SHEILA
Brian, we were both very tired.
BRIAN
Oh.
SOUND: PAUSE.

SHEILA
All right, then, we did a little bit.
BRIAN
Thank youuuuuuuuuu.

SOUND: BRIAN’S BODY HITTING THE GROUND FAR BELOW.

GHOST
And now it’s your turn, Sheila.

SHEILA
No, but I don’t have to if he has, do I? Then there
are no two separate houses! Ha! Look! Look, it’s
changing, I changed it!
SOUND: WHOOSH

SCENE 23: INT. THE DINING ROOM.

DAY
(THERE IS A FAMILY MEAL WITH A CHILD HAPPENING.
THERE IS LAUGHTER AND THE PULLING OF CRACKERS)

SOUND: WHOOSH

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 30.

SHEILA
See, I told you! It’s happy now! They’re all alive!
And look at that Christmas dinner!

GHOST
It looks very good.
SHEILA
Ha ha!

SOUND: SHEILA BEGINS STUFFING HER MOUTH.

SHEILA
It tastes of victory. The stuffing tastes of never
having to see Brian again.

SOUND: SHE IS GULPING DOWN AS MUCH AS SHE CAN.

SHEILA
The plum pudding tastes of having them all to myself.
The bread sauce-

SOUND: SHEILA CHOKES.

SOUND: WHOOSH
SCENE 24: INT. A BEDROOM. NIGHT.

(SILENCE)
SOUND: WHOOSH
SOUND: SHEILA IS STILL CHOKING

GHOST
It’s a shame you didn’t remember that it was just a
vision. Yes, those things all looked very good to
eat, but what have you actually been eating?
SOUND: SHEILA IS GASPING FOR BREATH.

GHOST
Oh, they’re your sleeping pills, and you were
stuffing them down so enthusiastically. I should call
an ambulance. Except I’m a ghost, and we don’t have
phones.

SOUND: SHEILA DIES.

SOUND: THE GHOST CACKLES AND LAUGHS OUT LOUD, UNTIL IT
RATTLES THE WINDOWS.
 31.

SCENE 25: INT. A BEDROOM. MORNING

(BIRDS TWEET, IT IS A BRAND NEW MORNING. A BABY
GURGLES HAPPILY)

SOUND: GARY SHUFFLES INTO THE BEDROOM.

SOUND: LAURA YAWNS AND STRETCHES.
LAURA
Did you sleep well?
GARY
I used a garden hose as a pillow. No, I did not sleep
well.

LAURA
We did. Your daughter slept through for the very
first time!
GARY
And she waited until I wasn’t here to do it. She
hates me.
LAURA
Oh hush.
GARY
Merry Christmas. Where is everyone? Is no one else
up? I’ll go and put coffee on. I have to do
absolutely everything in this house. It’s all right.
You two lie in bed, I’ll go.
SOUND: GARY GETS UP TO GO.

LAURA
Is Daddy being a grumpy old grumpus?
GARY
Just find out what your mother and her girlfriend and
her husband want for breakfast, all right?
SOUND: GARY STAMPS OUT.
LAURA
All right. Idiot. Sometimes, Boofles, I really wish
it were just the two of us.
SOUND: THE WINDOWS RATTLE.
SOUND: GARY SHOUTS, AND WE HEAR HIM FALL DOWN THE STAIRS.

LAURA
Gary? Gary? Oh God, Gary!
SOUND: SHE RUNS OUT OF THE BEDROOM, AND DOWN THE STAIRS.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 32.

LAURA
Gary? Gary? Say something, Gary. Gary! Gary! Please,
Gary! Please don’t leave me!

SOUND: THE BABY BEGINS CRYING.

SOUND: LAURA COMES BACK UP THE STAIRS AND BACK INTO THE
BEDROOM. SHE IS BREATHING HEAVILY.
LAURA
It’s all right, Boofles, it’s all right. Don’t cry,
Mummy will look after you. Don’t cry, Amelia, please
don’t cry...
SOUND: AMELIA CRIES.

SCENE 26: MELMOTH’S CASTLE

(HOWLS, ETC)
MELMOTH DARKLEIGH
So there you have it...