7 Daily Habits of Highly Effective Relationships

By Elaine Taylor-Klaus

Intimacy can be (re-) created with deliberation.  All too often, over time, the
complexities of our lives interfere with our relationships.  Call it loss of
connection, or intimacy, even friendship—being busy becomes our seducer, and
we lose touch with what it was that turned us on about our partner in the first
place.

When expectations and increasing resentment replaces trust and desire,

something can be done to restore the intimacy that got you into this relationship
in the first place.

My husband and I started to become conscious of this phenomenon a few years

back, and over time we have tried different ways to address it.  Here are what I
see as seven little habits that seem to make a big difference for us.  The common
themes are conscious connection and acknowledgement.

7 Daily Habits of Highly Effective Relationships:

1.   Always kiss eachother good night.  And make it a genuine kiss.  It
doesn’t have to be wet and sloppy, but it does have to be slow enough to
know you’re kissing, and being kissed.
2.   Always say, “Good night.”  We learned this from my grandparents. 
They were married for 62 years, so we figured it was probably good
advice.  Every night of their marriage they spoke these words in Yiddish: 
“Guden nacht, mein leiben frau.”  “Guden nacht, mein teirer man.”   So we
adopted the same. 

In a nod toward our heritage, we chose to stick with the Yiddish.  The
actual words don’t matter; what matters is that it’s a statement of love and
intention, like re-committing every night.  Whatever you choose to say, the
words should express appreciation, gratitude for the connection between
the two of you.  For me, it’s the word “mine” that resonates.   It is a warm
and loving way to end the day.
3.   Look at each other when you talk to one another and often
throughout the time you spend with each other.  When you are facing a
screen, or a book, or even your knitting needles, the connection between
you is incomplete.  Stop and look into each other’s eyes—it speaks directly
to the soul.

4.   Always take the time to greet one another whenever you see each
other for the first time—whether in the morning, or after work, or even
when you are meeting each other at an event. Remember, there was a
time when this was the person you wanted to see most in the world. 
Acknowledge each other, and the bond that exists between you will begin
to reappear.

5.   Kiss each other in front of other people.  When we were newly married
we had a mutt named Hobbson who would jump up on our legs seeking
attention whenever we began to kiss.  At some point, we told this story to
our children, who adopted the practice years after the death of our
precious pup. To ‘entertain’ our children, we began to kiss intentionally,
and it turned out to be a wonderful gift to all of us.  Now, our 9 year old still
jumps at the chance to scream, “Hobbson,” and dive into the space he can
create between us while my husband and I endeavor to make
impenetrable.  It brings him such pleasure, and we can’t help but laugh. 

More importantly, whether in our kitchen or in a restaurant, taking that

moment to connect and be only with each other, if only for a moment, can
create a profound intimacy. 

6.   Don’t answer the phone during meals.  When I was a kid there were no
answering machines, no call waiting, and no caller ID.  Still, my father
insisted that we did not answer the phone during dinner.  Dinner was
family time, and if it was important, they would call back.  This philosophy
is perhaps even more important in this day and age, when phone calls and
text messages follow us everywhere we go, even into the bathroom (is
there no privacy?  Oh, yeah, we make a choice here, don’t we?) 

When my spouse and I are in a conversation and the phone rings, or

 pings, or wiggles, or whatever it does to try to get our attention, I’m always
grateful when he doesn’t answer it, even more so when he doesn’t even
look at the screen.  It’s a little gesture, but it makes a big difference.  Not
answering lets the person with you know that you want to be there.

7.   “Want the best for your friend.”  Check in and see how your partner is
doing.  No matter how intense your day may be, take the time to express
interest in the other—genuine interest.  Remember, don’t just hear about
their day, really listen and care about what he or she is telling you.    The
business of running our lives can dominate and depersonalize us, reducing
our relationships to logistics and details, lacking any expression of feeling
or concern. 

There is something quite empowering about knowing that another human

being whom you love truly CARES about what happens to you.  In a
session with our coach, the other day, my spouse expressed frustration
that the details of our lives seem to take over.  How, he asked, can we
possibly create time to ‘connect’ with each other when there is so much to
do and so little time to do it.  The answer came to me quite clearly.  I
replied, “Ask me about my day.”

These are just seven simple changes you can try to re-connect to the person you
share your life with.  There certainly are other strategies that might work better
for you, so be creative, and give them a try.  It may seem contrived, at first, but it
won’t take long to remember that simple, loving gestures are the things we fell in
love with in the first place.  

If you don’t know how to communicate to your partner that you would like to
improve your intimacy, consider:

1.    Print this out, or share it with him/her.

2.    Tell him or her that you read this and would like to try something new.
3.    Choose one thing on the list and take the lead in making it happen.
4.    Be patient—minor changes make major changes over time.  Don’t
expect miracles overnight.
It’s late, and my husband is (im)patiently waiting for us to go upstairs to bed,
which we try to do together whenever we can.  As I think about these gestures, I
think I’ll suggest we crawl into bed and read Gerald Drose’s column on “Love,
Sex and Marriage.”  Now THAT is what I call good bedtime reading!  Perhaps
that will become Habit #8!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus is the founder of Touchstone Coaching and a regular

ShareWIK.com columnist.

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