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Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Mitch Hedberg Jokes

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Published by Robert Willits
A Collection of life's musings from the late comedian Mitch Hedberg.
A Collection of life's musings from the late comedian Mitch Hedberg.

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Published by: Robert Willits on Apr 20, 2007
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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01/04/2014

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Mitch Hedberg Jokes:
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So Icouldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don'tknow where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but Ithink more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You mighthave seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they'regrouper fish.
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and Iwas telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I eventold that one twice.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense atall.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah.What do you need, a one and another one?
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, youcould say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell'Cut!'"
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yardand buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will comeback and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a greenpaw!"
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candybars!
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How aboutstudio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile homecheese in a tornado.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. Itonly has six more months to hold stuff.
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It woulddisappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
 
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come alittle closer!"
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is allscared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wantedone businessman on the bus with no car.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because acrutch helps me walk.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger,drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete.Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took mygirlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is amagnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken,impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I likedizzy chickens!
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand infront of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why haveall these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way aseveryone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sitdown excellently!"
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine avodka bottle is really drunk.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and itwas a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't knowwhat they were!
 
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands insteadof sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an evennumber. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, soit did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong.Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, butthen by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I didnot know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you'rewearing? That's sizzlin'!
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys workingtwelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. Ihad to take the Hoover to detox.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! Iwill be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

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