Your Spouse Lost a Job – How to Cope

By Leigh Harris

“Peter hides it well, but I know he is miserable, and the tension in our house is unbearable at
times.”Pamela confesses to me over coffee.

Pamela’s husband recently lost his job. She is nervous about spending a single unnecessary dollar, and
the only way she agreed to meet me is after I offered to treat her – a frank and necessary reality.

“I wish I could help him, but he balks at any suggestion I make, as if I’m the cause of this problem.”
Pamela’s story is increasingly familiar in this economy.

Peter’s job loss, part of the 12.2% of Californians out of work in June 2010 i, has him bitter, angry and
frustrated. His wife Pamela is worried about their finances, but doesn’t dare talk to Peter about it. She
urges him to search the job market each day, but he gets upset with her “nagging.” She sometimes
argues back, frustrated with what she sees as indifference.

“I am tempted to push him out the door each morning to look for another job. We need him to work! …
but I’ve never seen him this upset, and I don’t want to make him angrier.”

Pamela sees how this affects the kids too. Normally talkative, Alex, seven and Rachel, four, are quiet at
the dinner table. Now they need a nightlight to go to sleep and Rachel started to wet her bed again.

“I don’t know what to do.” Pamela feels caught between helping and hindering Peter, uncertain how to
improve their finances or their family situation.

Her bewilderment is understandable. Until someone has been laid off themselves or had their hours cut
back, advice or services to cope with a new financial reality are almost invisible.

Yet with the 2010 US overall jobless rate unchanged at 9.5% (the most recent available ii), you may begin
to recognize this situation in yourself, in a friend, or through an acquaintance.

So how does someone like Pamela cope with a reduced (or non-existent) income and a newly jobless
husband, while maintaining some stability for herself, her children and her marriage?

1. Be a Good Listener
Let him rant and rave if he needs to. Keep the focus on his feelings and words, not on the stress you may
be feeling.

Breathe deep! Always remember to take a breath before you respond. You will be less likely to react
emotionally, and more likely to answer objectively. Provide the solid support that he needs.
Understand that his frustration is his own. When you react with blame, sarcasm or frustration of your
own, you become part of the problem. (And you don’t need another problem.)

Don’t allow his frustration to turn into verbal attack. “I am here to listen, but not if I become your verbal
punching bag. Let’s focus on your feelings, on a solution, or we can talk about it later.”

2. Offer Help but Then Step Back

Offer open-ended questions.

 “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 “How can I make each day easier for you?”
 “The Lanigans have invited us over for dinner this Saturday. What is your preference?”

Offer neutral comments, requiring no answer.

 “I read a local article about your industry. It is on the couch if you are interested.”
 “The kids and I are going to the park in an hour. You are welcome to join us.”
 “If you want an objective eye on your resume before you send it out, I’d be glad to help.”
 “The news mentioned a website today that offers free job coaching and resume writing. I’ve left
it near the computer.”

Respect his answer, or lack of one.

3. Cut Spending at Home

Estimate monthly bills.

 Pull out the last three months’ utility bills and record how much they cost each month. Add
mortgage or rent and insurance onto this. Use an excel spreadsheet, if possible.

Estimate other monthly expenses.

 Record grocery, gas and auto, entertainment, household, medical, pet, clothing and
miscellaneous expenses. Find these expenses through recent credit card statements, bank
record of ATM purchases, and receipts. If you use cash, record the cash you withdraw and
estimate where it is used.

Cut out restaurants, movies, soda, alcohol, delivered pizza, snack foods, candy and clothing. Ask
yourself: “Is this essential for family health or can I put it on a wish list for when we are employed?”

Search for lower prices: Buy bulk instead of singles; use coupons; check the dollar store (some have
grocery sections, and paper and cleaning supplies).
Credit cards with high balances? Freeze them in ice, cut them up, or cancel them at the bank. Frozen,
you have time to reconsider a purchase; cut up, they can’t be used; and cancelled, you reduce your
liability should you need to talk to your bank about a loan.

Determine a new budget. Utilities and rent/mortgage are fairly static (though unplugging cords, turning
off unused lights, and air-drying clothes help). What can you afford to spend on groceries, clothing, and
car expenses? $1200 a month is doable for a family of four. iii $800 a month is even possible with
creativity.

If you have space in your budget, add back in a few inexpensive treats.

 One bottle of low-cost wine for Friday night.

 Buy frozen pizza one night, instead of take out.
 Search for a “kids eat free” night at local restaurants.

These treats make it less likely that you’ll blow your budget due to frustration.

4. Keep Family Healthy

Don’t cut spending by eating fast food. It will cost you more in the long run in low energy, weight gain,
and medicine.

Cut out junk food – it costs money and fills the family up with empty calories. If this habit is a hard one
to break, purchase good quality chocolate (the more cacao, the better) and eat a single square, slowly,
as a treat.

Cut out prepackaged dinners (boxed macaroni and cheese, frozen dinners, ravioli in a can, or packaged
muffins), and cook fresh and basic:

 Dry noodles, cooked, with tomato sauce and spices from your cupboard
 Small portions of meat, chicken or pork purchased on sale
 Homemade muffins, made with whole wheat flour, fills a tummy for longer than refined flour or
purchased muffins
 Cut up large carrots (not prepackaged small ones) and celery, serve with ranch dressing for dip

Choose vegetables that pack a vitamin punch. Choose fresh or frozen over canned, bright colors over all
one color (more variety of vitamins). Purchase in-season local versus out-of-season shipped.

Cereal – choose lower sodium, minimal sugar (glucose, fructose, high fructose corn syrup), whole wheat
versus refined, fewer preservatives, no added color. Cost? Look for sales: less than one cent per gram
for value (400g box should be less than $4.00). Oatmeal is one of the best cereals for cost and health.
Add a cut up pear and a bit of brown sugar to cooked oatmeal.

5. Look for employment

Determine your own skills. What jobs have you held in the past? What skills do you have now? Use
volunteer experience to your benefit.

Fix up your own resume. Ask friends or an employment service to read it over and edit it.

Talk to friends. Personal connections are the best source for employment. Use online resources such as
Facebook or LinkedIn.

If you already work, consider a second temporary job.

6. Source Out Friends for Help

You may need to rant and rave too. Ask trusted friends for an ear.

Offer to babysit alternate weeks for friends in exchange for the same. Keep it simple. Five o’clock to
seven thirty is time for an early dinner out (a picnic in the park or your back yard), a long walk, or
relaxing on the couch with your husband. An early pickup time means your children get to bed on time
and you can do this mid week.

Ask a friend if they can edit a resume (yours) or encourage your husband to ask one of his friends.

Join a farmers’ cooperative with friends. Splitting delivery of healthy local produce may be cost effective.

Exchange services. Do you have an abundance of vegetables in your garden, and know someone who
edits well? Trade vegetables for resume help.

Host a potluck dinner. Many families do this when money isn’t an issue (new dishes to try!) so do it now,
and keep in touch with friends in a low-cost way.

7. Reconnect with Your Husband

Bring out an old photo album, or take new pictures

Leave love notes next to the coffee, or in the mirror so he can see it in the steam

Be intimate – both of you will feel a renewed sense of yourselves and each other

Watch funny movies or the comedy channel – laughter is its own medicine

8. Maintain Perspective
Above all, remind yourself that this is temporary. Don’t get caught up in negativity (deep breathe!).
Keep your eyes open for opportunity, trust your intuition, and act on ideas and information.
In the end, I reminded Pamela that Peter will work through stages of emotions naturally, iv and life will
start to feel better. Her family, and others affected by this unemployment crisis will weather this storm
and come out the other side. We all will.

Leigh Harris is writing Metaphysical Mom: Five Minutes to Calm. She is a mother, facilitator, life and
career coach, and practices creative family budgeting. She can be reached at leigh@leighharris.com
i
http://www.calmis.ca.gov/file/lfmonth/countyur-400c.pdf
ii
http://www.bls.gov/
iii
Car expenses include gas, but not insurance and registration
iv
See Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying for a better understanding of the stages he may be working through