Well, I'm not sure why you haven't cut off this portion of my access to you.

Ri
ght now, I'm thanking god that you've somehow overlooked it. I regard this as m
y last chance to communicate with you, so I'm going to lay it all on the line.
I haven't heard your voice now for 36 hours. I frantically checked my voice mai
l to see if I had a tiny fragment of you that I could save and hold on to. Alas
, I did not. I used to have several. I find myself wishing I had somehow found
a way to save all of them. I still remember the very first one you left me. "
You need to give me your address because I'm driving around with these panties i
n an envelope and nowhere to mail it to..." I remember how wonderful your voice
sounded that day. That girlish sweetness with just the right amount of enticin
g mystery thrown in. (think "I'll find youuuuu") Yes, those were the days when
Amy and Rob were new to this game. Before our hearts became weatherbeaten by t
he hardships of this life we came to live together.
I happened to catch you while sending me pictures and sent you a couple of messa
ges. You, of course, did not respond. I won't bombard you with more because th
at would mean I just don't get the hint.
My poor friends, coworkers, classmates, and parents... I've talked everyone's e
ar off about this. I've gone round and round, up, down, and through. The advic
e I've gotten has run the gamut and hasn't really done much to help me out. Whe
n it all comes down to it, I am alone in the mess I've made and have to find my
own way out of it.
I don't know why it takes a disaster between us to make me see you for what you
are. Or, no, not see, because I always see, technically. I guess I mean realiz
e. Really realize... As in to make real to me the notion of who and what you a
re. We'll get to that later.
I find myself laying here wondering if this is the way you feel when you say you
miss me terribly. I wonder if this is how you feel when you say things like "I
can't stand being apart this long." I wonder if you feel this incredible gut-w
renching sense of loss. This panic. This fear. This immediate urge to gather
up all the things that you have touched and surround myself with them. Guarding
them, protecting them, saving them, cherishing them, and hoping that by honorin
g these material things which represent you that, somehow, I won't have lost you
. Somehow I'll get one more chance. Somehow if I pour enough emotion into thes
e things that a tiny wisp of that will find its way across the miles and reach y
ou. Maybe... Just maybe, you'll feel something and look over your shoulder for
a brief moment and remember... Remember me. Remember us. Not what we were t
he last time we spoke, but what we were when we were drawn to each other. What
we were during those times that strengthened us. What we were during those time
s that brought us together closer. Those times that now consume my memory. Com
forting me. Tormenting me.
What we did together, that relationship, was not easy. We picked just about the
hardest way to be a couple that there is. Often times it was frustrating. Som
etimes it seemed hopeless. Sometimes I wondered why I was doing it. Sometimes
I wished for something to happen that would bring an end to it so I could stop s
uffering. Suffering the loneliness between visits. Suffering the frustration o
f not knowing what to say. Suffering the helplessness of not being able to fix
what made you hurt. I wanted to stop watching you suffer. Watching you suffer
at my hand, Doug's hand, and the hand of general circumstances. Watching you fr
om afar. Restrained by whatever it is that restrains me. My job, my house, my
fear of the unknown. My fear of commitment... My fear of making the same mista
kes over again. I have a pretty healthy list of things I'm afraid of. I guess
that's how I make up for being able to handle insects. Back to the point, thoug
h. Sometimes I wished for a way out but every time I got the chance I didn't ta
ke it. I have pondered at length in the past and lately why that is. Am I afra
id of being alone? Am I afraid of the pain I'd have to suffer if we broke up?
Am I afraid I can't replace you? Am I afraid I'll never have a connection with
anyone else like the one I have with you? Yes. Yes to all. Is it healthy? I
don't know. From what people say and point out from a psychological point of vi
ew, it seems like every person should be able to exist alone and be perfectly ha
ppy. Everyone should have their own discreet life that they are completely sati
sfied with, not needing anything else to be fulfilled and content. Then, they a
re supposed to meet someone and that person is supposed to also have a healthy p
ersonal life that is not lacking in any way. Then they are supposed to join tog
ether in a nice professional relationship where each person has their own shit a
nd neither interferes too much with the other and blah blah blah blah... ad naus
eum. At least that's what I get from what they say. Of course they don't say a
ny of that. It just seems implied. That's not how I work, though. I want to b
e intertwined. I'm terribly afraid of being alone. It sucks. It's aimless wan
dering. There's nothing to live for. I don't care if it's healthy or not, I ne
ed someone to love and someone to love me. That's the bottom line.
I suppose now is a good time to elaborate on what I found in you.
In you, I found, for the first time ever, someone who was not afraid to praise.
I'm certainly not addicted to praise, but at the same time, the devastating vac
uum of its absence is something I was certainly glad not to have anymore. I lov
e how you don't worry about praising someone. I love how you don't think it wil
l ruin them or make them run away because they think they are king of the world
afterward. Next, I found you to be incredibly open and frank about how you feel
about things. You are not afraid to say why you like something or someone, eve
n if it's corny. You probably take it for granted because it's just who you are
, but I have spent years waiting for someone to come out and say what they are f
eeling only to have it never happen, no matter how long I waited. Next, I love
your face. I love how it is unpracticed at hiding emotion. I love how your fac
e betrays your emotions and makes it difficult for you to bury your feelings. T
hat probably makes you feel vulnerable but it also tells me those things that yo
u sometimes can't say. It gives me hints about when the pressure is getting to
you and you need to be told that it's going to be okay. I love how you aren't a
fraid to love. God knows you have every reason to be. God knows you should hav
e built a fortress around your heart by now. Yet you still let me in. You let
me see your insides and trusted me not to betray you. Perhaps that turned out t
o be a mistake. I will regret that until I die. Perhaps longer. I love the wa
y you just poured your love out on me and never held it back. I love how you ga
ve it freely. I wish I could have opened up to you as completely as you opened
up to me. You are truly a better lover than I am and I am sorry about that. I
found strength in you. More than one kind of strength. The strength you lent m
e by being in my life was wonderful. Nothing gave me confidence like knowing yo
u were behind me, cheering me on. Willing me forward in all the things I did, n
o matter how small or large. There was another strength in you, though. I can
be selfish about that last kind because it helped me and made me feel good. The
other strength, though, that was intimidating. You have an amazing, astonishin
g, will to go on. You have the type of strength that a mother bear has for her
cubs. I know that when you are protecting your loved ones, you would not hesita
te to lay down your life. I do not say this lightly. You are stronger than me.
You never give up. I have watched you persevere through mental and emotional
hardships that would have exhausted and broken any man I have ever known. You c
ontinuously put others first at your own expense and are almost never shown any
appreciation for it. How you can do this and still remain as positive about the
world as you are, I'll never know. You are truly amazing. I love your passion
. You have a drive to do things that I wish I could emulate. You have the abil
ity to will yourself to finish tasks that I would procrastinate on for ever. I'
ll always be jealous of that. That's just your physical passion. I love your e
motional passion as well. I am extremely lucky to have been loved by you. You
loved me with all you had and that was a true treasure. I never felt like you w
ithheld anything when we made love OR when we were just IN love. I will miss th
at terribly. I love how you held me. I, unlike some, truly love to be held. I
t refuels my will to survive and my emotional stability. After long absences of
human contact, your touch would literally electrify my body. I could feel ener
gy welling up inside me. I felt like I could handle anything life could throw a
t me as long as I had the promise that, at some point, you were going to hold me
. I discovered more in you than I could ever have hoped for. You were everythi
ng I needed and more. That is the truth. No matter what kind of stupid bullshi
t came out of my mouth... Know that you were everything I needed. You filled m
e up. You completed me. You healed my broken life. You saved me from myself a
nd everything that conspired to harm me. You held my heart and my soul. You st
ill do. You always will. No matter what happens.
I must say one more thing about you. I am proud of you. I am proud of you for
hanging on to yourself and getting out of that bad marriage before you disappear
ed all together. I'm proud of you for learning how to be a single mom the hard
way and living through it. I'm proud of you for doing a better job of parenting
than most any COUPLE I know of. I am proud of you for fixing your dryer. I'm
proud of you for making that house your home and personalizing it while still re
maining faithful to your grandmother's spirit. I'm proud of you for taking care
of Mattie, Ruger, the fish, and even the crabs. I'm proud of you for helping y
our family even when they seem ungrateful and undeserving. I'm proud of you for
not letting others drag you into their messes. I'm proud of you for being inde
pendent. I'm proud of you for one more reason... I'm proud of you for leaving
me. I am proud of you for sticking to your guns and choosing your own self resp
ect over me. I wouldn't want you to let me get away with hurting you. You are
above that now and you never have to bow down to another human being again. You
are the master of your own destiny and I am proud of you for having the courage
and strength of character to look me in the eye and pull the trigger.
Now, I guess, a little about me...
I am truly sorry I hurt you. I could have said anything in that moment and the
moments leading up to it. Any words in the world in any order in any language w
ould have been better than what I said. I can't even begin to make up an excuse
for it. I am truly a bad person for making you feel like I did. You are an an
gel and I have never been able to pin down one evil thing you have ever done to
me. Any hurt you have ever put on me has been in your own defense, usually as a
result of my insensitivity and general lack of consideration of your feelings.
Why you ever loved me like you did I'll never understand. I am a whiny, scared
, gutless little coward when it comes to relationships. I am always afraid of l
osing control so I do whatever I can to try and keep it and it always backfires
in my face. I don't know what made you hang on with me for so long. Occasional
ly, you would say something to the effect that I was out of your league or too g
ood looking for you. I am telling you now, that is complete crap. If anyone is
too good for anyone else, it is you who are too good for me. I do not, and nev
er did, deserve you.
I don't want to ever finish writing this. No matter what I say it won't be comp
lete. I have so many things I regret. I really wanted to see our scrapbook. T
he one I didn't look at during nationals. I kept thinking about it and just nev
er did get it said. I even remembered it when we left to take me to the airport
. Why didn't I ask you to grab it? I could have looked at it in the car. I co
uld have relived every little moment that you captured with the things you inclu
de on the pages. I know it looked like I didn't care but I promise you. I give
you my word that it isn't like that. I wanted to soak that up. I wanted to re
live every instant. I wanted to retrace our steps together. I wanted to get yo
u some flowers on Friday. I thought about it and then it disappeared. I don't
know how I was going to pull it off but now I am left with the regret that I did
n't do it. I wonder, would that small token have prevented these bad things fro
m happening? I don't know. I can never know. All I can do is regret my mistak
es.
When I left Kristi I was ready, I was done. I didn't care how much history we h
ad or what was invested. When I left Lorena, I knew it was for the best. I kne
w I couldn't live with her. I don't feel anything like this toward you. All I
can think about is that it is terrible to lose you. All I can remember is good
times we have had. Good times that could have been better if I could have loose
ned up and been in the moment a little more.
I love you Amy. I love you for everything that you are. I love you for everyth
ing you are that I'm jealous that I can't be. I love you with every part of me
that is capable of feeling anything. I can say that without any hesitation beca
use every part of me hurts without you. I love you and I don't want you to go a
way. I want to fix this. I want another chance. I know you've handed out plen
ty of those and I don't deserve another but I am humbly asking for one anyway.
I don't care if it all goes down on my permanent record. I don't care if I have
to live with my mistakes. I don't care if I'm on borrowed time, I want you bac
k. I miss you. I need you. I do not want to be without you. I want to fight t
o save us because "us" is all I need and all I want.
I am going to hit the send button and have one last look at your Myspace page be
fore I go to sleep. I'm going to read all the poems I wrote you and look at all
our pictures. I am going to try to go to sleep living in the world when you we
re still my Paper Airplane and I was still your Pilot and Mechanic.
Yours always,
Rob