Witty Quotes

1. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the
rest of his life.
2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
5. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way...so I stole a bike and
prayed for his forgiveness.
8. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
9. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
10. Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
11. If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
12. If my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
13. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a
work station...
14. The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for
stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve
itself?
15. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the
passengers in his car.
16. You can't be late until you show up.
17. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
18. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to
sit down and shut up.
19. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge
because you are a vegetarian.
20. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
21. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
22. The secret to creativity, is knowing how to hide your sources.
23. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime
doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke.
24. Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
25. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
26. If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice?
27. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is
the ceiling.
28. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
29. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
30. As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
31. Actual Headline: Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
32. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
33. If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
34. To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
35. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running
around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." --
Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989
36. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
37. Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
38. Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart, he dreams himself your
master.
39. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
40. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

49
If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
.
50
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
.
51 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely
. regarded as a bad move.
52
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
.
53 Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
. Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
54
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce
.
55
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other die for his.
.
57
Actual Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
.
58
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
.
59
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
.
60
Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
.
61 "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W.
. Bush
62 Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
. hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. -- Albert Einstein
63
Answering Machine Saying: "911 - What is your emergency?"
.
64
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
.
65
You never learn anything by doing it right.
.
67 A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together.
. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
68
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
.
69
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
.
70
Welcome to Curl Up 'N Dye Hair Salon!
.
71
Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
.
72
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
.
74
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
.
75 Answering Machine Saying: Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
. speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
76
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
.
77
Politicians, like diapers, have to be changed frequently - and for the very same reason.
.
78 Answering Machine Saying: Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
. money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money.
79
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
.
80 What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
.
81. Actual Headline: Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
82. It Could Be that the Purpose of Your Life is Only to Serve as a
Warning to Others.
83. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there
locks on the doors?
84. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my
problems to go away.
85. Answering Machine Saying: This is not an answering machine this
is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think
about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I
can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
86. "Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the
bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell
them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack
of patriotism and exposing the country to greater danger. It works
the same in any country." - Hermann Goering (1893 - 1946), 2nd in
command of the Third Reich
87. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
88. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each
time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
89. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
90. Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried taking candy from a baby.
91. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
92. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
93. When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back,
it's called schizophrenia.
94. When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to
ask "Compared to what?"
95. You never truely understand something until you can explain it to
your grandmother. --Albert Einstein
96. It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative
without changing a single idea.
97. Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
98. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
99. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
100
Actual Headline: Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
.
101 When someone with multiple personalities threathens suicide, can
. that be considered a hostige situation?
102
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
.
103
What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
.
104 A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not
. sufficient capital to form a corporation.
105
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
.
106 I got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles
. into the fiction section
107 Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
. arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
108 I'm leaving now to go find myself. If I should return before I get
. back, please ask me to wait.
109 Actual Headline: Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she
. hasn't seen in years
110
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
.
111
Why do they call it "common sense" when it's so rare?
.
112
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
.
113 After 9/11, Bush made two statements: "Terrorists hate America
. because America is a land of freedom and opportunity." and "We
intend to attack the root causes of terrorism." ..Sounds like
everything is going according to plan.
114 Murphy's Law of Combat: "Never forget that your weapon was
. manufactured by the lowest bidder"
115 Seen On a Church Bulletin: "Don't let worry kill you -- let the
 . church help."
116 Answering Machine Saying: Hello. I'm home right now but cannot
. find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as
soon as I find it.
117 I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.
. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
118
Actual Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
.
119 Actual Housing Complaint: My bush is really overgrown round the
. front and my back passage has fungus in it.
120 The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind
. of reward.
121. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
122. Actual Headline: Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at
Checkout Counter
123. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the
statue.
124. You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed
and miss the floor.
125. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John
Sedgwick (1813-1864), last words
126. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
127. Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the
reputation.
128. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up
ATM?
129. Why do nerds confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because
OCT31=DEC25
130. "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head
kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one
of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard,
you are a veterinarian!'"
131. If you get corn oil by squeezing corn, how do you get baby oil?
132. Answering Machine Saying: Hi, I'm not home right now, but my
answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the
beep.
133. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
134. Answering Machine Saying: A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a
message.
135. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.
136. People who think they know what they're doing are especially
annoying to those of us who do.
137. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water
bill is higher.
138. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
cargo?
139. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less
until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
140. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
141. Actual Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
142. Actual Headline: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
143. An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the
president but is always polite to traffic cops.
144. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
145. If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe
146. Actual Headline: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
147. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to
ride on your own ass?
148. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar territory.
149. Answering Machine Saying: Please leave a beep at the message.
150. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
151. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
152. Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself
as a Mortality Technician.
153. If electricity comes from electrons does it mean morality comes
from morons?
154. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
155. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
156. It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
157. Answering Machine Saying: Please leave your name and
number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the
attention of the FBI.
158. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown
too?
159. Sexy Unix Commands: date; unzip; touch; strip; finger; mount;
gasp; yes; uptime;
160. Actual Headline: Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
161 In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance,
. everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat
that will ignore him.
162 It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know
. you're going away.
163
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
.
164
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
.
165 Seen On a Church Bulletin: Seen On a Church Bulletin:
. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will
meet with the Pastor in his private study.
166
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
.
167
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
.
168
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
.
169 Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you
. didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to
you.
170 Answering Machine Saying: You're growing tired. Your eyelids
. are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are
gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
171
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
.
172 That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag... it took
. him 3 days to respawn!
173 I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect.
. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress. Congress
appropriates. Microsoft lobbies. Citizens steal.
174
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
.
175 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
. make as they go flying by.
176
Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.
.
177 Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I
. think that's how dogs spend their lives.
178 If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them
. out of MEAT?
 179 Answering Machine Saying: Greetings, you have reached the
. Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and
what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
180 Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
. 181 Actual Housing Complaint: Please send a man with the
. right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
182
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
.
183 Want to Make $$$$ with your Computer? No Risk! Simply
. press shift-4 four times in a row
184 Answering Machine Saying: Please leave a message as
. soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of
the tone.
185 Actual Headline: Never Withhold Herpes Infection from
. Loved One
186
Actual Headline: Stolen Painting Found by Tree
.
187 Actual Headline: Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame
. for Gas in Spacecraft
188
Actual Headline: Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
.
189 Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it
. back in.
190 The "bishop" came to my church today.. that guy was an
. imposter, he never once moved diagonally
191 Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be told
. that sorrows know how to swim
192 Actual Headline: If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May
. Last a While
193
Actual Headline: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
.
194 Actual Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
. Test Group
195 There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called
. college.
196 I once thought that I had made a mistake, but I was
. mistaken.
197 Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when
. you can't drink and drive?
198
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
.
199 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can
. find a rock.
200
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
.
201. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot
at.
202. Unless you can question your own beliefs, you have no place
 questioning the beliefs of others.
203. Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
204. "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave
oven.
205. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what
to feed it.
206. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
207. Rule for Ensemble Playing: A wrong note played timidly is a
wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an
interpretation.
208. The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything,
the young know everything
209. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
210. To save money on electricity, we've turned off the light at the
end of the tunnel.
211. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone
to copy it from.
212. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are
dangerous.
213. Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
214. After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
215. My programs never have bugs, they just develop random
features.
216. Actual Headline: Teenage girls often have babies fathered by
men
217. Go into a store's fitting room and announce loudly "there's no
toilet paper in here!"
218. Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her
children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam,
keep her from drowning them at birth.
219. In the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life
in your years.
220. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think
of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
221. Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
222. Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.
223. Southern Medical Terminology: Terminal Illness - Getting sick at
the airport.
224. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is
that they have a common enemy.
225. Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another
drink.
226. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
227. "An evil exists that threatens every man, woman, and child of
this great nation. We must take steps to ensure our domestic
security and protect our Homeland." - Adolph Hitler
228. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
229. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is
free yet?
230. windows: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit
patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit
microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit
of competition
231. If you love something very much, give it away. If it comes back
to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin
with.
232. There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap,
ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
233. I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
234. Actual Housing Complaint: The man next door has a large
erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
235. Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
236. Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
237. Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business.
238. Hell is paved with good samaritans.
239. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
240. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
241. Notice On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip,
turn cock to right.
242. "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of action. Please
use�������floor." -- A sign on a shopping center's
restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign
was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom,
but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
243. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
244. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask
Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
245. To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some
fifteen minutes of hell
246. If you drive a car I'll tax the street, If you try to sit I'll tax your
seat, If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, If you take a walk I'll
tax your feet
247. I doubt, therefore I might be.
248. Actual Housing Complaint: I want some repairs done to my
cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
249. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
250. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
251. Are you part of the majority? If you say yes, then you are of the
minority.
252. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are
curious; both are disappointed
253. What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
254. Actual Housing Complaint: Our lavatory seat is broken in half and
is now in three pieces.
255. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of
focus.
256. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so
long as I'm the dictator." -- President G. W. Bush
257. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic
painter an applied pigment chemist.
258. Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking
questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
259. "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a
portable stroller
260. If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did
intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other
end.
261. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
262. If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
263. Power, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the
FDA.
264. Actual Headline: Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request
Training
265. At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young
ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If
you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
266. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror
and you wouldn't have been notified.
267. Dictionary: the only place marrage comes before sex anymore
268. Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
269. I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because
whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
270. Actual Headline: Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
271. Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
272. The universe is a waste of space.
273. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't
matter.
274. Error! Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
275. You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the
absurd.
276. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
277. We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a
sharp object sticking out of his chest
278. I can handle pain until it hurts.
279. Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to
non-metaphorical fires.
280. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
281. Cole's Axiom: The sum of intelligence on the planet is a
constant. The population is growing
282. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
283. Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits
284. "Would anybody tell me if I was gettin'..... stupider?" --George
W. Bush
285. "Put your hand down! I'm trying to teach!" -- Mrs. O'Brien,
Geometry teacher.
286. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
287. Friendly fire - isn't.
288. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
289. To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
290. When in doubt empty the magazine.
291. Recursive: adj. see Recursive
292. Actual Headline: Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
293. Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
294. Actual Housing Complaint: I am a single woman living in a
downstairs flat and would you please do something about the
noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
295. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
296. George, the French called! They want their statue back.
297. Real programmers don't comment! It was hard to write, It should
be hard to read!
298. This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going
really fast.
299. Actual Housing Complaint: The toilet is blocked and we cannot
bath the children until it is cleared.
300. Actual Headline: Infertility unlikely to be passed on
301. Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
302. Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
303. This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be
dead.
304. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
305. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
306. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
307. Clever is getting out alive.
308. The easy way is always mined.
309. Actual Housing Complaint: Will you please send someone to
mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday
and now she is pregnant?
310. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
311. I envy my dog because..He always tries to put his head between
some girls legs, and they pet him!
312. Actual Headline: Actual Headline: Work after Death
313. We're sorry, the phone number you have reached is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again
314. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
315. Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know
where to go shopping.
316. "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
317. One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into
my pyjamas I'll never know
318. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
319. Caution: I drive like you do.
320. At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place.
321. Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
322. Southern Medical Terminology: Tumor - More than one.
323. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
324. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available
in multi-packs.
325. It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
326. Actual Headline: Child's death ruins couple's holiday
327. "What good fortune for those in power, that people don't think!"
 -- Hitler
328. the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification,
Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale
329. Actual Headline: Milk drinkers are turning to powder
330. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
331. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone
thy encountereth.
332. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax
collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin
333. Actual Housing Complaint: I want to complain about the farmer
across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up
and its now getting too much for me.
334. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
carries any reward.
335. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy,
but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
336. Whenever a politician starts talking about "the children," keep
one eye on your wallet and the other on your liberty.
337. Psychics never win the lottery. Why is that?
338. Actual Headline: Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
339. How can two space ships meeting always face the right way up in
Sci-Fi movies?
340. I'll take terrorism over totalitarianism
341. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Weight Watchers' will meet at 7 PM.
Please use the double door at the side entrance.
342. "I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even
though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I
worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come
to me and say 'Daddy, where were you when they took freedom
of the press away from the Internet?'" --Mike Godwin, Electronic
Frontier Foundation
343. A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to
remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
344. bush implied that the only reason to have a nuclear arsenal
would be to take over the world.. irronic, isn't it?
345. Things are only impossible until they're not.
346. Rule for Ensemble Playing: When everyone else has finished
playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have
notes left over, please play them on the way home.
347. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
348. Why can't you be a non-conformist like everybody else?
349. Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!
350. People who say it can't be done, should not interrupt those of us
who are doing it.
351. Notice In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of
the chambermaid.
352. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?
353. If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess
you do have a problem. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
354. "The best argument against democracy is a five minute chat with
the average voter" -- Winston Churchill
355. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
356. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
357. I used to wonder what was so holy about a silent night, now I
have a child.
358. Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers
build...targets
359. The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand
why it won't work on my Linux computer.
360. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray that it isnt
a train.
361. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
362. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating
System Hangs
363. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure!
364. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance
365. Actual Headline: Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
366. Please excuse my bad English; I'm American.
367. Notice At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
368. MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software
Only Fools Teenagers
369. Actual Housing Complaint: I am writing on behalf of my sink,
which is coming away from the wall.
370. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.
371. Rule for Ensemble Playing: If you play a wrong note, give a nasty
look to one of your partners.
372. Give the gift of love, and people think you're cheap. Give them a
cheap bit of crap, and they love you for it. Go figure.
373. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me
in the mouth while I am sleeping.
374. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
375. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
it every six months
376. Notice In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for
best results.
377. Actual Headline: Lack of brains hinders research
378. A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his
government.
379. If you're anything like me... and I know I am...
380. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The eighth graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7
p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
381. Notice In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman
even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
382. Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
383. Incoming fire has the right of way.
384. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
385. I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
386. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I
have never been able to make out the numbers.
387. Actual Headline: New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
388. Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe v Wade? A: He
doesn't care how black people leave New Orleans.
389. Notice In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at
the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
390. When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
391. The new childcare-screening legislation sends a powerful
message to Americans: If you want to harass children, get your
own, as no parent-screening legislation will be in the works
anytime soon.
392. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
393. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much
to the delight of his audience.
394. They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them,
they outvoted me!
395. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
396. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an
ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
397. It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
398. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is
called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as
 a field. There is progress.
399. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our church and community."
400. Actual Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
401. Actual Headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should
Be Belted
402. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
403. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of
people.
404. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
prohibited there?
405. I told my wife she should treat me like a fine wine..... --- She
locked me in a dark cellar....
406. If you blame someone for your failures, do you credit them for
your achievements?
407. In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
408. It's only a game until you lose.
409. Southern Medical Terminology: Cauterize - Made eye contact
with her.
410. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
411. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose
your own form of misery.
412. Welcome to life, current population, way too fucking many. Put
in your earplugs, close your eyes, and hang on.
413. Caution: Witch's parking. Violators will be toad.
414. Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all
the unhappy people.
415. Actual Headline: Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
416. Actual Headline: Smokers are productive, but death cuts
efficiency
417. "America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within
the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." - Claire Wolfe,
101 Things to Do 'Til the Revolution
418. Actual Housing Complaint: I wish to report that the tiles are
missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind
the other night that blew them off.
419. ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
420. Actual Headline: How to combat that feeling of helplessness with
illegal drugs
421. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
422. Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell
 antiques.
423. Here's how Powell should have produced his evidence to the UN:
"We're absolutely sure Saddam has weapons of mass destruction
because WE SOLD THEM TO HIM! And I have the receipts RIGHT
HERE!" (Powell holds up receipts)
424. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
425. A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good
reason and the real reason.
426. A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
427. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
428. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
429. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people's fashion.
430. "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you
commit atrocities" - Voltaire
431. Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith.
And... I'm a locksmith...
432. Commander Data, when I said 'Fire at Will!', I assumed you
wouldn't have been so literal.
433. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
434. Sign In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with
pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
435. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
436. The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
437. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
438. Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
439. If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
440. Southern Medical Terminology: Nitrates - Cheaper than day
rates.
441. Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
442. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The service will close with "Little
Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest
of the congregation will join in
443. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
444. Actual Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
445. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a
meaning of which I disapprove.
446. God Bless America, where laws are passed to protect people
from the legal system.
447. Notice In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because
is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
448. I don�t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to
achieve it by not dying.
449. Actual Headline: Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
450. "To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is
like administering medicine to the dead." - Thomas Paine
451. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The Low Self-Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.
452. Cause of death: drowned in absurdity
453. Windows has detected a mouse movement. Please restart
Windows so changes can take effect.
454. How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
455. "Do not drill any holes in your cat - it will not like it." - Nick
Davies
456. The intelligence of a group is inversely proportionate to its size
457. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
458. Actual Headline: Here's How You Can Lick Doberman's Leg Sores
459. Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
460. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
461. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
462. Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??
463. I like my women like I like my coffee - ethically purchased from
farming cooperatives in latin america.
464. "Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our
property." - Napolean Bonaparte
465. "He took a duck to the face at two hundred and fifty knots"
466. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and
then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!
467. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
468. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed
paper tray and the blinking red light.
469. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer." - Dave Barry
470. Why do we chop a tree "down" and then chop it "up"?
471. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
472. Actual Housing Complaint: I have had the clerk of the works
down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
473. Seen On a Church Bulletin: During a Minister's Illness: "God is
good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."
474. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
475. Q: How far can you see on a clear day? A: 93 million miles...from
here to the Sun.
476. In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else
is; you're what's left.
477. Notice In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
478. Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done." - Carl Friedrich
Gauss (1777-1855), when informed that his wife was dying
479. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny
of it.
480. Actual Headline: Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
481. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
482. If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited
by law.
483. You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the
clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
484. Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use
them?
485. What part of "You don't understand anything" don't you
understand?
486. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me
the truth--even if it costs him his job.
487. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
488. Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just
the opposite.
489. As we say in Calculus, "Wanna be tangent to my curves?"
490. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
491. A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach
you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
492. Actual Housing Complaint: I request permission to remove my
drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have
crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
493. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
494. I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its
adherents become better people as a result of practicing it.
495. Actual Housing Complaint: He's got this huge tool that vibrates
the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
496. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
497. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
498. Actual Headline: Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do
better
499. If money doesn't make us happy, then what does it do?
500. Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
501. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it
to.
502. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Everyone should play the same piece.
503. Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
504. One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and
women are ready to sign documents they do not read, at the
behest of salesmen they do not know, binding them to pay for
articles they do not want, with money which they do not have.
505. I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she
gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.
506. If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving
their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have
to advertise them.
507. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
508. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Happy are those who have not
perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
509. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
510. Actual Headline: Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
511. Actual Housing Complaint: Will you please send a man to look at
my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
512. Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
513. Those who can, do. Those who can't, sue.
514. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your
house.
515. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Carefully tune your instrument before
playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear
conscience.
516. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
517. Southern Medical Terminology: Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
518. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss
in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this
a lot!
519. If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
520. Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.
521. Actual Housing Complaint: I wish to complain that my father hurt
his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
passage.
522. Rule for Ensemble Playing: If you are completely lost, stop
everyone and say, "I think we should tune."
523. Actual Housing Complaint: Our kitchen floor is damp. We have
two small children and would like a third so please send
someone round to do something about it.
524. what does your robot do, sam? .. it collects data about the
surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls
525. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
526. Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from
many.
527. "When I was young I used to think that wealth and power would
bring me happiness. I was right." - Gahan Wilson
528. Tracers work both ways.
529. Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
530. Actual Headline: Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers
Find
531. Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
532. Rule for Ensemble Playing: If everyone gets lost except you,
follow those who get lost.
533. I never pirated it...it was donated. by the file fairy. I put a blank
CD under my pillow at night..
534. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
535. If I said you have a great body, would you hold it against me?
536. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving
early.
537. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Pastor is on vacation. Massages can
be given to the church secretary.
538. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
539. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The rosebud on the altar this morning
is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and
Mrs. Julius Belzer.
540. When people say "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed," What
side is the right side?
541. My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
542. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
543. How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes
lost?
544. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Markings for slurs, dynamics and
ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to
 embellish the score.
545. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
546. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not act half starved whenever
thou watchest me eat.
547. Southern Medical Terminology: Barium - What doctors do when
patients die.
548. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
549. Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.
550. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 3
a.m.
551. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The preacher will preach his farewell
message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
552. Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something
sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very
convenient to governments.
553. Suicide Booth: You are now dead! Thank you for using Stop and
Drop, America's favorite since 2008.
554. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Take your time turning pages.
555. Southern Medical Terminology: Dilate - To live long.
556. Actual Headline: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
557. Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
558. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
559. Actual Headline: Farmer bill dies in house
560. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo
Picasso
561. What is this talk of 'release?' Klingons do not make software
'releases.' Our software 'escapes,' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
562. Rule for Ensemble Playing: If the ensemble has to stop because
of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very
interested.
563. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
564. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not WATCHEST the cat while she
is in her litterbox. (she liketh her privacy)
565. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
566. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Next Sunday a special collection will
be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing
to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
567. Southern Medical Terminology: Benign - What you be after you
be eight.
568. In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses
rude ought to see the manager.
569. At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look
at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual.
570. Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a
Suitcase?
571. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
572. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
573. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not lie down next to me and
commence making licking and popping noises.
574. My problems all started with my early education. I went to a
school for mentally disturbed teachers.
575. Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
576. I AM, therefore I THINK!
577. Actual Headline: NJ judge to rule on nude beach
578. Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.
579. Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed
to read any books except the books nobody can read
580. Landing: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.
581. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
582. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "This afternoon there will be a
meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will
be baptized at both ends."
583. Linux is like a teepee: no windows; no gates; Apache inside
584. In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to
be cheated, when you can come here?
585. Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't
matter. Never mind.
586. A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
587. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.
588. There are many humorous things in the world: among them the
white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages
589. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
590. If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If
it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
591. 63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, ya get 1 whacked with a
service pack, now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
592. Actual Headline: Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
593. Southern Medical Terminology: Genital - Non-Jewish person.
594. You want some freedom with those fries?
595. A married man can do anything he likes if his wife doesn't mind;
a widower can't be too careful.
596. No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
597. Southern Medical Terminology: Node - I knew it.
598. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
599. You have been programmed by the NSA not to see the word "".
600. I pledge allegiance to the internet and to the principle of end-
to-end connectivity for which it stands. One network, under
construction, with liberty and access for all.
601. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
602. Southern Medical Terminology: Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
603. If you're at the airport and see mistle toe above the conveyor
belt... You can kiss your luggage goodbye!
604. Actual Headline: Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
605. It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
606. Southern Medical Terminology: Seizure - Roman emperor.
607. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
608. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by
the latest Methodists.
609. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
610. When Puerto Rico joins the union, where will they put the 51st
star?
611. Late to bed and early to rise gives a hacker blood-shot eyes.
612. A tennis ball should always be served but not eaten.
613. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
614. Before the beginning there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely,
they floated noiselessly thru the black holes of space.
615. Actual Headline: Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
616. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
617. If you have to become a police state to enforce your law, the
law is wrong.
618. A penny saved is a penny taxed.
619. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
620. Actual Headline: Plot to kill officer had vicious side
621. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "Thursday night - Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow."
622. Seen On a Church Bulletin: During the absence of our pastor, we
 enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B.
Doe supplied our pulpit.
623. Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
624. I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
625. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.
626. PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
Understanding of Mathmatics
627. The man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one
628. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "Children will be led in sinning and
Bible study."
629. FATAL ERROR: Size of thought exceeds available memory.
630. "My dad wants to show he's not mad by taking you out hunting
with him"
631. "The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development
of an easy way to factor large prime numbers." Bill Gates, The
Road Ahead, Viking Penguin (1995)
632. Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what
they do not understand.
633. Southern Medical Terminology: Labor Pain - Getting hurt at
work.
634. Notice In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the
front desk.
635. Eat At Ed's Sushi Bar and Bait Shop
636. Lawyers, MBA's, RIAA? A jedi fears not these things!
637. Paco's Bean Barn & Service Station - "Eat here and get gas."
638. note to self: make sure cat is not sleeping in the bass drum
before you start playing it
639. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy
findeth in the yard.
640. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a
good time. (thou hast been neutered)
641. Seen On a Church Bulletin: "There will be a baked bean supper
next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
642. Actual Headline: Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
643. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly
friendly with my mother-in-law's leg.
644. Southern Medical Terminology: Enema - Not a friend.
645. All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are
spent by the government in less than a second.
646. "Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound." - Ad in the
 "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm
647. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt refrain from coughing and
gagging while we have company.
648. What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
649. Southern Medical Terminology: Tablet - A small table.
650. Southern Medical Terminology: Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.
651. Life would be much simpler and things would get done much
faster if it weren't for other people
652. A thousand words are worth a picture, and they load a heck of a
lot faster.
653. If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be
depressed.
654. In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
655. The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is
happy for you.
656. Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
657. An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical
order.
658. USA PATRIOT = Useless State-sponsored Action Purporting to
Attack Terror while Really Initiating an Oligarchic Takeover
659. Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
generation to generation? Mom: Yes? Billy: Well, this generation
dropped it.
660. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad;
but New York City?
661. Rule for Ensemble Playing: If a passage is difficult, slow down. If
it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
662. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to
leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
663. Tomahawk EGBU-27 Laser-Guided Missile; IQ = 265. George W.
Bush, President of the United States; IQ = 91. It's a funny ol'
world we live in..
664. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and
nobody wants to read
665. We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the
allegators.
666. Actual Headline: Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she
hasn't seen in years
667. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies
from their own skin.
668. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
669. Rule for Ensemble Playing: The right note at the wrong time is a
wrong note (and vice versa).
670. Southern Medical Terminology: Secretion - Hiding something
671. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
672. Southern Medical Terminology: Hangnail - What you hang your
coat on.
673. Actual Headline: Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
674. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
675. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong
desire to live taking on the form of a readiness to die.
676. Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
677. Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
678. If the government can't trust the people, why don't they just
dissolve that body and elect a new people?
679. Notice In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not
to have children in the bar.
680. Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
681. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N)
682. To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is
nobler- and less trouble
683. In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
684. It's better to be looked over, than overlooked
685. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
686. Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-
yourself, $1.
687. You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position
when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning
vacation slides.
688. Southern Medical Terminology: Impotent - Distinguished, well
known.
689. Actual Headline: Squad helps dog bite victim
690. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
691. Actual Headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert
Says
692. Microsoft Zen - Become one with the blue screen.
693. At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
694. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces
and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
695. I'll see your senator, and I'll raise you two judges.
696. Notice In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we
recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
697. Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed
for UNIX.
698. Four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we
would just sit down and keep still.
699. The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid
of high places.
700. How to get out of a speeding ticket: Always carry a cooler with a
big red cross on it - 'Officer, I MUST get to the hospital'
701. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him go off the
high dive.
702. It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
703. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
704. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my
pillow.
705. Rule for Ensemble Playing: A true interpretation is realized when
there remains not one note of the original.
706. Actual Headline: Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
707. Interchangeable parts - aren't.
708. A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?
709. 2^64 gold coins would weigh 522.97 trillion Kg, and would take
up 2.86 cubic lightyears.
710. Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter.
711. Actual Headline: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
712. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes
per second). That way you gain the admiration of the
incompetent.
713. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we
feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. -- Dave Barry
714. Lucas: "Powerful are my lawyers. If smart you are, mess around
you will not with my trademarks."
715. Build a better mouse trap... and you'll be sued by someone who
patented mouse trapping devices in 1993.
716. A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what
time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
717. :-) = I am happy - :^) = I am happy with my big nose - C:\> = I am
happy with my OS
718. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it
away to be repaired.
719. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found
them stuffed with explosions.
720. Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic
angular momentum.
721. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
722. No shoes, No shirt, No service.. So do I have to wear pants?
723. I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
kind of loophole. -- Leo Kessler
724. Notice In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags
and send them in all directions.
725. Some day my ship will come in, and with my luck I'll be at the
airport.
726. Someone will try to honk your nose today.
727. Sign At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet?
Miss a car payment.
728. "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-
widening hole in it!"
729. Actual Headline: House passes gas tax onto senate
730. If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
731. Southern Medical Terminology: Varicose - Near by/close by
732. Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't
work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
733. The UN is the place where governments that suppress free
speech demand to be heard.
734. Actual Headline: Dealers will hear car talk at noon
735. Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. -- Lord Kelvin,
President, Royal Society, c. 1895
736. Speak softly, but carry an M16.
737. WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
738. I refuse to forfeit my freedoms for a little security- I login as
root every time!
739. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
740. Some guy knocked on my apartment door this morning and said
he was from pest control, so I handed him my cat and went back
to sleep
741. Rule for Ensemble Playing: Keep your fingering chart handy. You
can always catch up with the others.
742. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
743. Fascism n.a) A system of government marked by centralization
of authority under a dictator. see "Homeland Security dept"
744. Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth
745. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
746. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
747. nothing brings people closer than a common enemy
748. Bobby to criminal: Stop!! Or I'll say 'stop' again!!
749. The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk
doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
750. I don't need to go outside, my CRT tan'll do me just fine.
751. Bob's Orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em!
752. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the
Christmas tree.
753. The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. --
Scotty
754. Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 "But, soft! What light
through yonder window breaks?" It's nothing, honey. Go back to
sleep.
755. When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
756. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
757. Dentist drill by Black & Decker, 3/8" bit
758. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
759. If spelling tests tell you how well you spell, then what do urine
tests tell you?
760. There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us
for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
761. I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
762. Southern Medical Terminology: Colic - A sheep dog.
763. The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who
comes in late and owns the worm farm.
764. Actual Headline: Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
765. It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are
of everything.
766. 1 million people walking past parliament is a protest. 1 million
(with guns) walking past is a revolution.
767. I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases
of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover
768. The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
769. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but
Sunday.
770. Be Nice To Your Kids; They'll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
771. MCSE == Mentally Challenged Slave of the Empire.
772. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
773. In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.
774. Actual Headline: War Dims Hope for Peace
775. Actual Headline: Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
776. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
777. There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can
marry it. You can steal it.
778. Actual Headline: Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
779. Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses
on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.
780. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
781. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Due to the Rector's illness,
Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further
notice.
782. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose
bush.
783. Suppressive fires - won't.
784. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep
the house.
785. Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
786. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove
anything.
787. "Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some
people it is a complete substitute for life." - Andrew Brown
788. Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
789. Notice Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit
upstairs.
790. Southern Medical Terminology: Catscan - Searching for Kitty.
791. The longest journey begins with a single online booking...
792. No, I don't trust in god. He'll have to pay up front, like everybody
else.
793. Actual Headline: Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
794. Seen On a Church Bulletin: Eight new choir robes are currently
needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
795. In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by
others.
796. Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person
at a time to corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent
damage to useful information.
797. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's
litter box.
798. The difference between the right word and the almost right
word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
 -- Mark Twain
799. A bad day at Disneyland is still better than a good day at work.
800. Dog Commandments: Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they
were thy chew toy.
801. Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a
small problem struggling to get out.
802. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
803. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man
804. If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will
claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen
of the world -- Albert Einstein
805. It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the
people who aren't.
806. Opportunity only knocks once (if at all).
807. A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and
then asks you not to kill him.
808. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The audience is asked to remain
seated until the end of the recession.
809. A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
810. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
811. My husband once worked for a company that had a merit pay
system. After six months they told him that he owed the
company money.
812. If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation
was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.
813. "Your fair use of this book is restricted. You may only read this
book once." --http://www.ausage.com
814. If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
815. "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
816. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and
calls it a "brief."
817. Actual Headline: Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is
demeaning
818. Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac.
819. Actual Headline: Milk drinkers are turning to powder
820. My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others
pockets.
821. Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
822. Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a
daunting task. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
823. WASHINGTON, DC - On Tuesday, Congress approved the
Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that
provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million
talentless Americans.
824. We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply
fell short of our expenditure.
825. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up.
826. Linux: Where do you want to GO... Oh, wait, I'm already there!
827. Acme Funeral parlor. You stab 'em. We slab 'em.
828. A company you own stock in will make history.
829. Microsoft Rule #3: GUI standards are no longer necessary. Shiny
objects are always user-friendly.
830. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three
husbands and two of them were just napping.
831. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess
which has occurred.
832. B. S. = Bull Shit M. S. = More Shit P.h.D. = Piled Higher and
Deeper
833. You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If
you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
834. Drive defensively, buy a tank.
835. Warning: Reading between my lines results in blank verse.
836. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
837. "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay
the bill he gave me six months more."
838. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
839. Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large
and wise as a man's head.
840. Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest
841. Actual Headline: Child's death ruins couple's holiday
842. In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he
made school boards
843. Southern Medical Terminology: D&C - Where Washington is.
844. I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started
out with twenty-eight years ago. -- Will Rogers
845. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes
from the poor to protect them from each other.
846. Notice In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
847. Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
848. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -- Adlai
Stevenson
849. When I say my prairs, I swear I hear a busy signal in my ears.
850. There's always something about your success that displeases
even your best friends
851. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
852. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
853. A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
854. Double your disk space - delete Windows!
855. Actual Headline: Child's stool great for use in garden
856. My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay In better spirits night and
day.
857. Actual Headline: Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
858. Truth is stranger than fiction; fiction is obliged to stick to
possibilities, truth isn't
859. NRA Lobby Warns Congress Not To Try Anything Stupid
860. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
861. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
862. Blame Me: I voted for Nader!
863. Did you know that..Some Dreamcast games use Microsoft's
Windows CE as their operating system!
864. Most of our lives are about proving something, either to
ourselves or to someone else.
865. Open Source is the guillotine, Linux is the blade; IBM gives it
weight and Apple sharpens it.
866. Actual Headline: Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do
better
867. Actual Headline: Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
868. I dialed one of those 900 numbers to get some financial advice.
They advised me not to dial 900 numbers.
869. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a
thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that
cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be
impossible to get at or repair.
870. Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
871. PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
872. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
873. He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.
874. Southern Medical Terminology: Coma - A punctuation mark.
875. APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
876. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium Pro.
877. "Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy
is about telescopes." -E. W. Dijkstra
878. All of my errors and spelling mistakes are the fault of Microsoft,
and their buggy keyboard handling in the OS.
879. Actual Headline: NJ judge to rule on nude beach
880. A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.
881. Try to remove the color-problem by restarting your computer
several times. -- Microsoft-Internet Explorer README.TXT
882. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down
the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and
said he was really good.
883. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a
black cat which isn't there.
884. Southern Medical Terminology: Cesarean Section - A
neighborhood in Rome.
885. Notice: The gravity in the Physics building will be shut off for
maintenance from 8am through noon tomorrow.
886. "Where's that AV guy we all had in high school? Oh, he was us." -
Said to room of MIT students while encountering difficulties with
an LCD projector
887. .vbs = Virus Bearing Script?
888. "Don't bring candy to class unless you have enough for everyone.
Or at least for me." -- Mrs. Spray
889. SCSI: System Can't See It
890. The moral sense enables one to perceive morality- and avoid it;
the immoral sense enables one to perceive immorality- and
enjoy it
891. Actual Headline: Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
892. Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
893. Actual Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
894. For too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. From now on, all admin functions will
be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically
Organizing the System (PC-DOS)
895. A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when
they're fed up.
896. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
897. Seen On a Church Bulletin: The third verse of 'Blessed Assurance'
will be sung without musical accomplishment.
898. Bushnell's Underdog Theory: "Anything can manage a 10% share
against Microsoft, no matter how absurd its problems."
899. Pray: Ask that universal rules be annulled for a petitioner
confessedly unworthy
900. Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.
901. Southern Medical Terminology: G.I.Series - World Series of
military baseball.
902. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
903. "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." - Douglas Adams
904. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.
905. Actual Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral
plan
906. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
907. Southern Medical Terminology: Recovery Room - Place to do
upholstery.
908. US to launch Federal Do-not-Sue list
909. There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have
in charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are
the worst
910. Angst should totally be measured in angstroms.
911. Most Linux documentation is like driving directions that have
been written in alphabetical order by street name: although
technically all of the information is there, to sift through it you
need either plenty of practice, or plenty of time.
912. I'm objective; I object to everything.
913. An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives
with, insists on boring future generations.
914. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.
915. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
916. Put all your eggs in one basket- and watch the basket
917. Guy buys new house - $20,000 down, $15,000 across.
918. Never run after your own hat - others will be delighted to do it;
why spoil their fun
919. Southern Medical Terminology: Fester - Quicker than someone
else.
920. Actual Headline: Farmer bill dies in house
921. Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed
you more than $25,000.
922. Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
923. If you wear dentures, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
924. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
925. Southern Medical Terminology: Post Operative - A letter carrier.
926. Actual Headline: Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
927. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
928. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
929. Actual Headline: Dealers will hear car talk at noon
930. James Tiberius Kirk: "Spock, the women on your planet are
logical. No other planet in the galaxy can make that claim."
931. Actual Headline: Organ festival ends in smashing climax
932. Household hint: If you are out of cream for your coffee,
mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
933. Southern Medical Terminology: Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
934. With stupidity the gods themselves struggle in vain. - Friedrich
von Schiller
935. Actual Headline: Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
936. Southern Medical Terminology: Outpatient - A person who has
fainted.
937. OS/2 = Obsolete Soon Too
938. NAPSTER = No longer A Possible Solution To Escape Record-
buying
939. RIAA - Raping Independent Artists of America
940. Actual Headline: Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper
editors
941. I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them
to read, so I got flip-ups.
942. If you sell water don't sue mother nature expecting to stop the
coming rain.
943. Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer
salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
944. Turkey Gravy, Uncle's recipe: 1 part chicken bouillon + 1 part
beef bouillon = turkey gravy
945. LISP = Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
946. AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Gamers Addictiction
947. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)
948. Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of
data with simple mnemonic commands.
949. D is for Diploma -- words to live by in College
950. The reason we are so pleased to find other people's secrets is
that it distracts public attention from our own
951. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is
 not here. (404)
952. Principles have no real force except when one is well fed
953. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.
954. "So with a wave of my hand we'll neglect the derivations, but it's
on page 463 for those of you who need sleep aid."
955. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Your houseplants are alive,
and you can't smoke any of them.
956. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Having sex in a twin bed is
out of the question.
957. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You keep more food than
beer in the fridge.
958. You Know You're Grown Up When.. 6:00 am is when you get up,
not when you go to bed.
959. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You hear your favorite song in
an elevator.
960. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You watch the weather
channel.
961. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Your friends marry and
divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
962. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You go from 130 days of
vacation time to 14.
963. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Jeans and a sweater no
longer qualify as "dressed up."
964. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You're the one calling
the police because those #%$@! kids next door won't turn
down the stereo.
965. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Older relatives feel
comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
966. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You don't know what
time taco bell closes anymore.
967. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Your car insurance goes
down and your car payments go up.
968. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You feed your dog
science diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
969. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Sleeping on the couch
makes your back hurt.
970. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You take naps.
971. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Dinner and a movie is
the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
972. You Know You're Grown Up When.. Eating a basket of
chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
973. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You go to the drug store
for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy
tests.
974. You Know You're Grown Up When.. A $4.00 bottle of wine is
 no longer "pretty good shit."
975. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You actually eat
breakfast food at breakfast time.
976. You Know You're Grown Up When.. "I just can't drink the
way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much
again."
977. You Know You're Grown Up When.. 90% of the time you
spend in front of a computer is for real work.
978. You Know You're Grown Up When.. You drink at home to
save money before going to a bar.
979. You Know You're Grown Up When.. When you find out your
friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking
"Oh shit, what the hell happened?"
980. The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. Computer
translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
981. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
982. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool on the other.
983. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through the minds of either.
984. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
985. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water power.
986. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
987. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens and everybody disagrees later on.
988. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
989. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
990. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.
991. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open
their mouth.
992. Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.
993. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
994. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
995. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
996. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.
997. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.
998. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.
999. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says
in midway "See I am not injured yet."
 1000
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
.
1001
Father : A banker provided by nature.
.
1002 Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
. caught.
1003 Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
. confidence after.
1004 Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
. bills.
1005 Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you
. are early
1006 Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two m&m's in
. between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one m&m
cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack
becomes the champion. Then I grab the other m&m, and force it
to compete with the champion in this deadly game of m&m
gladiators. I do this until I run out of m&m's, and when there is
only one m&m left standing, I send a letter to m&m's brand with
the champion m&m in it with a note attached that reads: "Please
use this m&m for breeding purposes."
1007
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
.
1008
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
.
1009
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
.
1010
A backward poet writes inverse.
.
1011 In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your
. count that votes.
1012
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
.
1013
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
.
1014
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
.
1015
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
.
1016 Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-
. flat minor.
1017 Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
. subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
1018
Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
.
1019 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
. you realize it was your money to start with.
1020
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
.
1021 Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
. bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
1022 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
. of getting laid.
1023
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
.
1024 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
. person who doesn't get it.
1025 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
. late.
1026
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
.
1027 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
. really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
1028 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
. consuming only things that are good for you.
1029
Glibido: All talk and no action.
.
1030 Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
. when they come at you rapidly.
1031 Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
. you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.
1032 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
. your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
1033 Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
. the fruit you're eating.
1034
Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
.
1035 Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
. one has gained.
1036
Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
.
1037
Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
.
1038
Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
.
1039 Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when
. wearing only a nightgown.
1040
Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
.
1041
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
.
1042 Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who
. has been run over by a steamroller.
1043
Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
.
1044
Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
.
1045 Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
. proctologists.
1046
Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
.
1047 Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
. yiddishisms.
1048 Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
. up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
1049 Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
. Jewish men.
1050 Now I lay me back to sleep. The speaker's dull; the subject's
. deep. If he should stop before I wake, Give me a nudge for
goodness' sake.
1051
Southern Medical Terminology: Fibula - A small lie.
.
1052 The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of
. everyday thinking
1053
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
.
1054
CD-ROM = Consumer Device-Rendered Obsolete in Months
.
1055 senility, n.: The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one
. happens to disagree.