Revisiting

Cannabis
The following piece of writing is an unedited reflection. The purpose for
publication is honesty and also for catharsis, to release guilt associated with
cannabis-use. For background purposes, i am 23, my son is 9 months old, i just
moved to bethesda maryland from san francisco to be with my parents and enjoy a
stress free experience. We’re living in hotels while indefinitely waiting for [our]
new house to be completed. We have been on the road living in hotels for 6 months
now, traveling and living out of suitcases while keeping stuff in storage. Before the
journey you’re about to read, I hadn’t smoked pot in 5 months and i used what was
left from when i lived in san francisco and had a medical prescription. The
prescription was for back pain and anxiety, but perhaps by reading this it will be
further illuminated why i occasionally choose to return to this altered perspective.

A little bit of historical context: this piece is written the day after the FDA
approved the first ever outpatient marijuana study. The study will be conducted by
MAPS, and will explore the effects of pot on PTSD for veterans. Personally,
cannabis helped me breakthrough ptsd/depression/anxiety almost five years ago, so
this official research is inspiring and hopeful.

“I’m going to smok!” "e decides, as "e walks away

from $ %ora& unit where "e 'scretely unpacked her

%a". She had prom(ed herself "e w)ldn’t light up

until a*er $ garden was establ(hed, but new

circum%ances pu"ed +at into $ all too '%ant

futur! She -ent two days raking 4 years wo.h of

leaves, and was 'sc)ra&d from chronically craving a

home -ac! She set up her picnic blanket, laid )t toys

for her li/le baby boy, and packed a pipe and +en put it

do0 for a moment to prevent herself from smoking

impulsively. She jud&d herself b1efly, trying on $ label

“desperate,” to see if it resonated on any emotional level.

Nope, only mental cha/er. “I don’t even remember what it

feels like to be high anymor! It w)ld be a refreshing

new per-ectiv!” She waited until her fa+er was )t of

sight, cr)ched behind a berry bu" for good measure while

laughing at herself for being paranoid and desperate, and

took one good puff. She c)ghed. It ta%ed awful.

Burned, Charred, $ gross ta%e of butane le* her

wanting a hemp %1ng or a match for be/er ta%! She

looked over to her li/le boy who was ha4ily enga&d in

activity. A good omen. 5e sun was "ining. Also a

good omen.

She walked back to him, realizing "e 'dn’t really

want to rake like "e had told her papa was $ reason

for coming to $ h)se wi+ him. She wanted to hang )t

at her new home, %ill under con%ruction. She looked at

+e home, realizing how much Time "e w)ld be -en'ng

in +( forest garden in $ next few years. “It’s so hu&!”

"e marveled at $ h)s! It sat on a hill to prevent

floo'ng, and loomed over $ neighbors a li/le bit. She

noted how it felt to be confronted by such a weal+y, hu&

hom! She had gro0 up res(ting her p1vile& and here

it was confronting her. She rephrased, reprogramming her

automatic association wi+ p1vile&: “its a palace!” "e

realized, $ anxiety and res(tance being replaced wi+

gratitude and in-iration. She was $ p1ncess "e

subconsci)sly w(hed "e c)ld b! She looked at her

li/le boy, 9 mon+s old, and %ill free of $ index of

programmed symbols... Langua&. He ( %ill operating

on a purely emotional level, +)ghts and ideas ex(ting in

pictures but not yet reduced to symbols.

She fell in love wi+ him again, deeper once mor!

In +at moment "e was seeing him free of her o0

backgr)nd +)ght and feeling, wi+)t pa% or future,

hopes or wor1es. She was free for a moment, enlightened,

Sato1, in a non-symbolic %at! 5anks, enlightened

boy. May y) %ay +( way.

A car 8ove by wi+ familiar teena& music playing

some+ing +at s)nded similar to $ quick pa. of “its

+e end of $ world as we know it” But it was a

'fferent song. “No+ing chan&s!” Y)ng adults, Old

chil8en remain. Old folks are %ill y)ng folks, but

+ey’re now old folks, too. Time chan&s no+ing, except

+at "e can now relate to 2 year olds as well as 20

year olds as well as 40 year olds.

Her fa+er was fin(hed wi+ what he had been

doing, and he walked towards +em. She got self-

consci)s, but cancelled her +)ght and embraced what

was to come, accepting $ moment as (. She looked at

him purely. Her papa, so excited, so in-ired, always

learning, always soaking it all in. “A pa+ in front of

+e Leyland Cypress,” he muses and imagines, +en walks

along $ imaginary pa+ and pa.s an imagined cu.ain.

She laughs whole-hea.edly finally allowing him to be

funny, and "e loves him wi+)t w(hing he was more

5( and more 5at. She imagines $ interactions $

next few years will be&t as $ li/le boy grows older

and $ grandfa+er unfolds.

Her fa+er comes to $ blanket, and i ask him if

+e plant next to us ( po(on ivy. He muses +at he w)ld

want an a4lication on h( iPad wi+ which a picture

identifies plants. 5ere are field guides like +at, why

not electronics? Limitless in-iration, "e +inks, and

a4reciates him for $ fir% time in a whil! He

identifies some po(on oak and takes her raking gloves and

pulls +em up. (We later 'scover +at it was Virginia

Creeper and not po(on oak...) Rain begins to teas!

She begins to pack up $ blanket, but "e does +( at a

pace +at includes her li/le boy. 5ey are in tun! She

( packing up at a pace +at ( under%andable to him. She

talks to him on h( frequency and when he notices $

8oplets, “Rain!” "e squeeks, as "e packs him up, too.

He’s enga&d. 5ey go to $ car. She %ands him up in

+e trunk of $ Beamer %ation wagon. He ( "ielded

from $ 8oplets, and $ hatchback serves as a railing

in a makeshi* playpen. She ( handsfree yet eye level wi+

him for $ fir% tim!... ever! He looks like an

adve.(ement. She ( admi1ng h( beauty, and begins

unwin'ng her body, %retching, cracking, ben'ng, flexing,

and freeing it all up.

“5ank God for ganja.” She +inks, and adds some

broader, more desc1ptive terms for ‘god’ such as

Goodness, Nature, plants, all +at ( available to us...

She notes how when "e greets ganja occasionally, $

tension builds up in $ meantime, and +en +ere ( a

great releas! It ( like -1ng a*er a long winter. It (

like a ba+ a*er a muddy adventur! She cracks her

-ine, massa&s her back and neck, and releases emotional

blocks +at created an ob%ruction in $ flow of Qi.

She wants so much to hold onto +( feeling, +(

in-iration, but knows +at it ( fleeting. She believes

+at it ( possible to reach +( non-symbolic, in-ired

%ate wi+)t cannab(, and "e ( %1ving for it, but "e

( %ruggling. 5e act of %ruggling creates res(tance and

so, ironically, it prevents her from $ very +ing "e (

a/empting. Le/ing go will be $ key +at opens $

gates, and "e knows +at. But "e can’t help but Want

Permanent Sato1 So Bad.

In $ meantime, palaces are everywhere, and so close

to&+er, and "e wonders where it will go from +er!

Su%ainability? She sings her “life ( a self-regulating

machine” mantra, and imagines all $ 8eams +at

w)ld come true if "e c)ld ju% free up her s)l. It

c)ld ha4en here in Be+esda. In +( sato1 %ate, "e

knows +ese +ings will come tru! She knows it so

%rongly, from her gut, but +en later on "e comes do0

from $ botanically induced high, "e &ts 'sc)ra&d

again.

Cannab( leaves her wanting... wanting

enlightenment, 8eaming big 8eams, and inevitably $

come-do0 from $ 8eam to $ old-program “reality”

binds her to her ineffective ways, her c1tical inner-voice,

her %o1es, her self-improvement, her 'sciplines, her

practices, etc.

All $ o4o.unities to manifest her derams are

+ere, infinitely, and in her high, non-symbolic %ate, "e

( aware of $ o4o.unity and how easily +ey can be

transformed into reality. And "e under%ands +at

cannab( runs on borrowed energy, and $ resulting cra"

nullifies all her high-time 8eaming effo.s. If "e c)ld

ju% a/ain +( in-ired, non-symbolic %ate wi+)t

cannab(, her 8eams will come true imme'ately because

+ere will be no come do0. 5e 8eam ( su%ained and

+e action will naturally progress.

 5( ( where her musing typically goes limp. How

does "e achieve +(? More me'tation? Some+ing

absolutely new and welcome w)ld be to find a co-

creative pa.ner like $ character Michael Walker

from $ book “5e f).h awakening”, one who

accelerates her awakening by proxy. She’s not sure if "e

w)ld be able to handle awakening if it hit her so

suddenly. But if it were too much, "e w)ld wi+8aw in

fear and overwhelm, and $ beautifully self-regulating

process of enlightenment w)ld back off a li/le bit to

allow her to catch her brea+. So yes, "e w)ld love to

pa.ner wi+ a Man who accelerates her awakening

process. It ")ld be a man ar)nd her a&, who also

adores her, and benefits from her equally. 5( ( to

avoid power 'screpancies and social taboos regar'ng a&.

She ju% doesn’t want to deal wi+ +at a +ird tim!

When )r +ree characters return into $ car, its hot

and humid. She opens $ window. He whines and

complains of $ heat, and goes to $ open window wi+

some ass(tance from her. She’s not doing every+ing for

him, but ( acting as an old man’s walker. He %icks h(

head )t $ window and "e follows suit. Its beautiful

)tsid! 5e rain made $ grass gl(ten and $ air (

fresh. 5e sun ( "ining and its ra'antly green and $

h)ses on $ %reet are b1ght red b1ck wi+ ivy climbing

up $ side in a co/a&-like manner. She under%ands

why $ li/le man doesn’t want to be %ra4ed do0 on

h( back in a child seat, facing backwards unable to

mov! As $ car picks up -eed, $ wind overwhelms

him. He comes closer to her, +en explores a 'fferent area

of $ car. All $ while "e ( ass(ting him and

keeping him saf! 5e motion of $ car creates a

&ntle res(tance again% which he moves, challenging him

and buil'ng h( muscle and dexte1ty. He finds a qua.er

and places it in h( m)+. Her impulse ( to take it )t

of h( m)+ because its '.y, but in%ead, "e takes a

qua.er in her m)+ and begins to copy him. He watches

her like a mirror as he leads, pu/ing $ coin h( m)+,

fli4ing it wi+ h( tongue, and +en taking it )t, +en

repeating $ flow. She ( impressed and unable to copy

him. 5ey bo+ take $ coin )t of +eir m)+ at $

same time when it begins to ta%e bad.

When +ey ar1ve back at $ hotel, "e cannot wait

to take a ba+. Her skin ( %icky from $ humi'ty and

"e feels ready for a deep cleansing. Her fa+er goes to

+e front desk for an errand, and "e goes wi+ Li/le

One to +eir room on $ six+ floor. In $ room +ey

are alone, and "e ( itching for a ba+. She sets him

do0 at $ entrance, and goes ar)nd $ room

collecting Eucalyptus oil, coconut oil, turns on a light,

closes $ blind, and heads towards $ ba+room. He

crawls a*er her into $ ba+room, "e %a.s $ ba+,

&ts naked, all $ while aware +at he knows what (

ha4ening and what ( ab)t to ha4en. Its a nice pace

for bo+ of +em, and "e likes +( under%an'ng +ey

hav! He crawls to $ tub, and li*s himself up to

watch $ tub fill.

Bo+ naked, him lying on top of her, +eir Chi

blends to&+er like two lovers embracing a*er a long

separation. 5e bond between mo+er and child (

intimat! Intimacy has had its tr)bles in her life, but

it ( being mended now: 5ere may have been an increase

in pedophilic feelings in $ &neral society in $ la%

decades. Perhaps its a dark side of $ changing times,

whereby older people are relating to and in-ired by

y)n&r peopl! She prom(es her son +at "e will be

intimate wi+ him wi+)t reserve, while simultane)sly

respecting h( autonomy, -ace, and innocenc! Its a

'fficult place to go wi+ her +)ghts, but res(tance to it

will not clear $ (sues in $ t(sues. She wants very

much to be free of intimacy (sues. Every &neration reacts

again%, and moves +r)gh a bar1er to innocent

intimacy... or +ey create ano+er bar1er for $ next

&neration. 5e sexual repression of )r forefa+ers, or

+e lack of respectful b)nda1es, becomes consci)s

+r)gh observation and interaction, and ( res(ted,

transformed, and +us $ human body becomes lighter,

wi+ less bagga& weighing her do0.

IN CONCLUSION:

5 h)rs a*er her one puff, "e +inks back on $

expe1enc! Wo.h it? Yes. Do it again? Yes, but

maybe not for a whil! Its ti1ng to be so in-ired. One

mu% fir% build up $ energy and %amina to be in-ired,

and +en commenc! 5e in-ired activation ( such a

temptation, and its ce.ainly good to remember it ex(ts,

but energy and %amina are $ f)ndation upon which

in-iration and activation can tower, because o+erw(e it

crumbles and cra"es in a come-do0 po% exhau%ion.

5e Universe ( limitless. How much can "e handle?

And how fa%?