Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Guest stars
"Maisy Gibbons" - Sharon Lawrence
"Dr. Albert Goldfine" - Sam Lloyd
"Juanita Solis" - Lupe Ontiveros
"Jordana Geist" - Stacey Travis
"Dr. Sicher" - Gregg Daniel
"Danielle" - Joy Lauren
"Mrs. Truesdale" - Shannon O'Hurley
"Yoa Lin" - Lucille Soong
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Ida Greenberg" - Pat Crawford Brown
"Waiter" - Paul Denniston
"Nurse"- Cindy Lu
"Receptionist" - Kathy McGraw
Written by: Tracey Stern
Directed by: Fred Gerber
Mary Alice begins speaking as the camera pans over to Gabrielle and Carlos's house, and then inside
the house, where the two of them and Mama Solis eat breakfast.
Gabrielle's Bedroom
Carlos lies on the bed, reading, when Gabrielle glides into the room in a revealing outfit of bra and
underwear. She clears her throat, crawls on the bed, and straddles Carlos. She kisses him, and then
sighs.
"Sadly for Juanita, she had ignored the first rule of war..."
Carlos comes down the stairs.
"Of the many suburban rituals, none is quite so cherished as the neighborhood yard
sale. The shoppers come to sift through the discarded belongings of someone they
don’t really know, in hopes of finding bargains they don’t really need, each so
determined to save a few pennies, they often miss hidden treasures..."
Paul puts things in a box and closes the top, revealing that the box is labeled "Baby Stuff."
Carlos: "It’s driving me crazy, mama. It could be any one of these guys she’s
having the affair with."
Mama Solis: "Don’t worry about it. I’m not letting her out of my sight."
Carlos: "Now, who the hell is that? And look at the way she’s touching him. You
think that’s the guy she’s having the affair with? "
Mama Solis: "Carlos, don’t be stupid. A guy she talks to in public isn’t someone
you’re gonna worry about."
Carlos: "So it’s someone that she doesn’t talk to. What do I have to do? Beat up
every guy in town?"
Mama Solis: "Marriage takes work!"
They walk away, passing by John, who looks after them.
Lynette, Bree, and Susan stand talking to each other. Gabrielle joins them soon after.
Lynette: "I’m not surprised that he’s playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we’re
on to him."
Bree: "Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done,
something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?"
Susan: "No. That’s why we have to find him. It’s the only way we’ll know the
truth."
Bree: "It just doesn’t make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can’t imagine
him doing anything that terrible."
Gabrielle: "Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled
in some way."
Bree sighs.
Inside, Paul and a doctor stare through the window on the door of Zach's room. He sits on his bed, his
head bowed as he eats from a tray of food.
School Gym
Ms. Truesdale: "I think this is going to be a great version of Little Red Riding Hood,
and it is your involvement that make the plays here at Barcliffe Academy so special.
Thank you." (clapping) "And now, I would like to turn over the next part of our
meeting to our parent coordinator, the amazing Maisy Gibbons."
Maisy: "Thank you, Ms. Truesdale. Now, before everyone leaves, we have new
copies of the script up here. Tilda and Francis and I went to the rehearsal
yesterday, and we were a little troubled by the ending. Killing the wolf. It says the
wrong message to our kids. And we believe that animals should only be euthanized
as a last resort."
Lynette laughs.
Bree's House
Gabrielle and Mama Solis sit at Bree's kitchen table, drinking coffee Bree pours for them.
Bree: "I must say, I’m jealous of how much time you two spend together. My
mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day."
Gabrielle: "She sounds nice."
Danielle walks into the house with John.
Danielle: "Hey!"
Bree: "Oh, hey there, you two!"
Gabrielle: "Hi, John."
John: "Mrs. Solis."
Gabrielle: "I wasn’t aware you two were friends."
John: "Yeah, we go to the same school."
Gabrielle: "Of course you do."
Danielle: "Mom, if you need anything, we’ll be upstairs in my room studying."
Bree: "Have fun."
Danielle and John leave.
Gabrielle: "Doesn’t it make you nervous, a boy alone upstairs with Danielle?"
Bree: "Oh no, I don’t worry about John. Both he and Danielle are in the abstinence
club."
Gabrielle chokes and spews out coffee.
Susan opens up her mailbox and takes out her mail. When she turns around, she sees Paul getting
into his car across the street.
Paul: "Hey!"
He waves at her.
"She was convinced he was deliberately hiding Zach, and hiding the truth. She
hoped that finding one would lead to the other. To succeed, Susan would have to be
evasive herself."
Susan rings the doorbell of Mrs. Greenberg's house, holding a package of eggs.
Dr. Goldfine: "First off, I’m very pleased with the work we’ve done in our sessions
thus far. We’re making excellent progress."
Bree: "Thank you, I feel really good about it."
Dr. Goldfine: "But there are a few areas of your marriage we haven’t covered yet."
Bree: "Oh, really. Like what?"
Rex: "Um, I’ve told Dr. Goldfine in our private sessions that I’m not happy with our
sex life."
Dr. Goldfine: "And Rex feels when you two have intercourse, you’re not as
connected as you could be."
Bree: "Connected?"
Rex: "Well yeah, it’s like you’re thinking about other things. Is your hair getting
messed up? Did you remember to buy the toothpaste? You’re just not there."
Dr. Goldfine: "This kind of disconnect is often a symptom of a deeper problem."
Rex: "So, we were talking, and the idea of a sexual surrogate came up."
Dr. Goldfine: "This is a licensed professional who'd work with you as a couple on
solving whatever sexual problems you may be having. I have an excellent
referral."
Bree: "And what would this sexual surrogate person do?"
Rex: "Well, she would coach us."
Bree: "She!"
Dr. Goldfine: "She’s very discrete. You’ll hardly notice she's there."
Bree: "Oh. So she would be in the room with us, while we make love?"
Rex: "Yes, helping us to achieve maximum sexual potential."
Dr. Goldfine: "Do you have any questions?"
Bree: "Just one. How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last, because it is
really starting to tick me off!"
She gets up and walks out.
Lynette's House
The four women are seated around the dining room table, cards in front of them. Mama Solis is sitting
off to the side, knitting.
Lynette: "All right. I think everyone is down for a nap. We’ve got no more than an
hour. Let’s get cracking. Five car draw, nothing wild."
Bree: "So how is it going with Mike, Susan?"
Susan: "It’s going, finally. We have our first official date next week. I think he’s
taking me to see a play or something."
Lynette: "Might I suggest the Barcliffe Academy production of Little Red Riding
Hood?"
Susan: "Oh, that’s right, the twins’ stage debut!"
Gabrielle: "Are they having fun?"
Lynette: "Sure, they get to play oak trees. I’m the one who has to deal with all the
drama behind the scenes."
Bree: "Oh, I take it you’ve met Maisy Gibbons."
Lynette: "She’s a total nightmare. I guess I shouldn’t have challenged her."
Bree: "Oh, dear."
Lynette: "Because now no one on the play committee even wants to talk to me."
Bree: "Oh, Maisy does love to rule her little kingdom."
Susan: "It hasn’t really changed since Girl Scouts. Girls smile at you to your face,
and then behind your back, they make fun of you because you’re the only one not
shaving your legs yet."
Gabrielle gets up and goes to the living room where chips and dip are on a platter. She takes some as
the women talk.
Lynette: "That would have never happened in Boy Scouts. When I worked, mostly
with men, I preferred the way they fought. A guy takes his opponent on, face to
face, and once he’s won, he’s top dog. It’s primitive, but it’s fair."
Susan: "And a lot less sneaky."
Gabrielle: "Isn’t it sexist of us to generalize like this?"
Gabrielle goes to the window and peeks outside, seeing John working outside across the street.
Bathroom
Gabrielle closes the door to the bathroom and checks her appearance in the mirror. Then she opens
the window and peers down. Climbing over the windowsill, she falls outside, landing with a shriek. She
looks over the fence to where John is mowing the lawn. She climbs over the fence by stepping on
stacked wood, knocking them over. Once over the top of the fence, she falls. John rushes over.
Lynette's House
Play Rehearsal
Maisy: "I'm sorry I'm late. As I’m sure you have all heard, Celia Bond broke her
wrist playing tennis, which means we are now in desperate need of someone to do
the costumes. I’m keeping my fingers crossed here. Are there any volunteers?"
Lynette (standing up): "I’ll do it."
Maisy: "Really, that’s a ... do you know how to sew?"
Lynette (sits down): "Absolutely."
Maisy: "Well, great, uh, thank you, Lynette!" (clapping)
Lynette (stands up again): "Okay. So, now that I’m going to do some, heavy lifting,
I believe I have a right to talk about the changes made to the script?"
She pauses. Nobody says anything, so she rushes forward to stand next to Maisy and address the
group.
Lynette: "Um, ladies. We all grew up with Little Red Riding Hood, and we survived
it, scary stuff and all, so I say, to hell with political correctness, let our kids
experience this classic like it was meant to be enjoyed. Let’s kill the damn wolf, and
just put on the best show we can." (clapping)
Maisy: "Thank you, Lynette, for that impassioned speech, but I believe that ship
has sailed."
Jordana: "No, it hasn’t. We still have time to change the ending back."
Ms. Truesdale: "And you know, Maisy, it is just a fairy tale - I don’t think it will
upset the children."
Maisy: "Well, I think you are wrong."
Lynette: "Well, that’s what’s so great about being in a democracy. Everyone is
entitled to their opinion. Also, everyone has a right to vote. So all in favor of the
woodsman going medieval on the big bad wolf’s ass..."
She raises her hand. And slowly, the others follow, except for Maisy, who glares at Lynette.
Sitting in her borrowed car, hidden mostly from view, Susan puts on a pair of sunglasses and watches
Paul get into his SUV and drive away. Then she follows him - after a lurching start.
Susan: "Oh!"
He pulls into a parking lot and gets out. Susan slows down and looks at the sign stating "Silvercrest
Juvenile Rehabilitation Center."
Restaurant
Bree is sitting alone at her table when she notices Dr. Goldfine sit down at another table, also alone,
with a book.
Bree takes a sip of wine, then gets up and goes to his table.
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle: "No, Lynette, I’m sorry, Juanita’s taking a bath. Well, how much did she
win from you? Geez," She laughs. "Yeah, I guess she’ll take a check. Okay. All
right. Bye."
Carlos: "What was that about?"
Gabrielle: "It turns out your mother is quite the card shark."
Carlos: "You let her play cards? How long did she play?"
Gabrielle: "Not that long, why?"
Carlos walks away from her.
Restaurant
Dr. Goldfine: "So, let’s talk about yesterday. You think there might have been some
truth in what Rex said?"
Bree: "No, I don’t."
Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, you know, it’s not uncommon for people experiencing sexual
repression to distance themselves from the act."
Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a
cold fish? I love sex."
Dr. Goldfine: "All right."
Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the
feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when
you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man’s
nipple ever so gently. And then there’s the act itself - two bodies becoming one in
that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don’t like about sex is
the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I’m just not a
fan."
Waiter: "Can I get you something?"
Dr. Goldfine: "Uh, just the check, please."
Waiter: "Sir, you haven’t ordered yet."
Dr. Goldfine: "Oh."
Gabrielle's Car
Play Rehearsal
Lynette (to a child in a costume): "All right. Off you go. Thanks."
Maisy: "Ooh, Lynette. I couldn’t help but notice, you forgot the coonskin on that
hunter’s coonskin cap."
Lynette: "Oh, yeah, huh, it was a creative call. Look, I’m in the middle of a costume
crisis, and if I don’t take a few shortcuts, I’ll never finish."
Maisy: "Well, Jordana Guist manages to get her work done. She runs the
consessions, paints the sets, and still has time to take care of her three kids and a
husband. Now, we can’t have the students suffer just because you don’t understand
the concept of time management."
Lynettte: "I hardly think the kids are going to suffer without a clump of fur on their
heads."
Maisy: "Okay, I’ll make a creative call. We’ll cut the oak trees. That forest is looking
a little dense, anyway."
Lynette: "My boys are the oak trees."
Maisy: "Are they? Well, I wouldn’t worry. We’ll find something for them to do back
stage. That’s where the real action is."
Lynette: "I’ll finish the costumes."
Maisy: "Well, crisis averted."
Susan's House
Gabrielle: "Juanita!"
Mama Solis: "I didn’t go to the buffet. I went gambling instead, and I lost."
Gabrielle: "Well, how much did you have on you? It couldn’t have been much."
Mama Solis: "I used Carlos’ credit card."
Gabrielle: "Okay, well, how much did you charge?"
Mama Solis: "I don’t know, it stopped working."
Gabrielle: "What do you mean, it stopped working. That thing has, like, a $15,000
credit limit."
They both look at each other with shocked expressions.
Gabrielle: "Oh."
Hotel Room
Rex takes a bite of food, standing up, when there's a knock on the door. Rex, with food in hand, walks
over to open it. Outside the door is Bree, covered in a full-length fur coat.
Bree: "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with
you?"
Rex: "Bree, what are you doing here?"
Bree: "It’s a little chilly out here, do you mind if we discuss this inside?"
Rex: "C'mon in."
Rex moves aside and Bree walks in.
Bree looks over and sees the burrito about to spill from the dresser to the floor.
Play Rehearsal
Lynette and Jordana are the only ones left in the gym. Lynette is on the phone as she sews costumes.
Lynette: "Bree, I totally understand. Yeah, I already tried Susan. And Gabby can't
sew to save her life but seriously, I’m going to be fine. But thanks anyway. Bye!"
Jordana: "Well, I’m a little ahead with my painting Do you need some help?"
Lynette: "Oh Jordana, you are really a lifesaver, thank you. Here, these pieces need
trim."
Jordana: "I’ll help for as long as I can, but I have a lot on my plate tonight. I have
to make twenty-five mini quiches for my book club."
Lynette: "You’re not human, are you! You were sent by aliens to make the human
race feel inadequate."
They laugh.
Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle: "This is what we’ll do. I’ll sell some old jewelry, pay off the credit card,
and Carlos will never find out!"
Mama Solis: "You would do that for me?"
Gabrielle: "Of course I would, why wouldn’t I?"
Mama Solis: "Well, for starters, you hate me."
Gabrielle: "Oh, that is overstating it ... a little. The bottom line is, no matter how
much I dislike you, I love Carlos more. If Carlos finds out about the money, he’ll be
devastated. I don’t want to see him hurt. You don’t have to believe I’m a good
person, but at least believe I care about my husband."
Mama Solis just stares at her.
Gabrielle: "Fine, to heck with it. I’m not gonna risk my neck to protect you. I’m
calling Carlos."
"Juanita might have been the gambler of the family."
Mama Solis: "Wait, I believe you."
"But Gabrielle was the one who knew how to bluff."
Susan and Julie start to walk into the Center. A nurse, sitting at a desk with her back to them, is
working. Susan motions for Julie to stay back, and then walks up to the nurse.
Susan: "Hi, I’m Susan Mayer. I have an appointment to see Dr. Sicher."
Nurse: "Yes, yes, he’s expecting you, let me get him for you."
Once the nurse walks away, Susan motions to Julie and Julie walks quickly in. Susan mimes that Julie
should stick a finger down her throat and Julie grins as she rushes off. The doctor walks in.
Dr. Sicher: "Hi, I’m Dr. Sicher. So you're here doing research for a children’s
book."
Susan: "I sure am."
Julie finds Zach lying on a bed in his room and she opens the door.
Julie: "Zach?"
Zach: "Oh hi, Julie."
Julie: "What’s wrong with you?"
Zach: "It’s just all these pills they make me take. They kind of make me sleepy.
What are you doing here?"
Julie: "I came to see how you were, and to ask you something. Look, I don’t have
much time."
Zach: "What is it?"
Julie: "Last week you told Mrs. Van de Kamp that your mom killed herself because
of something you did, something bad. What were you talking about?"
Zach: "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I
was little. What happened to Dana."
Julie: "Dana, who’s Dana?"
A nurse walks into the room.
Bree's House
Bree is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly repairing a mug, when Rex walks in.
Rex: "Hi. I don’t want to disturb you, I just left some important papers here. What
are you doing?"
Bree: "I’m repairing a chipped mug."
Rex: "Why don’t you just buy a new one?"
Bree: "Because I think it is better to fix what you already have."
Rex: "Listen, um, about what happened today..."
Bree: "You humiliated me, Rex. For no good reason."
Rex: "I’m sorry."
Bree: "I was there. I was willing. Normal men don’t say no to that."
Rex: "You, you upset me."
Bree: "See, but I don’t think that’s the reason. After I left the motel, I um, did
some thinking about us and our sex life, and I realized there has been a disconnect,
but it’s coming from you.
Rex: "That’s ridiculous."
Bree: "How many years have we been making love, and you've started to ask me
something, but then you stop?"
Rex: "I, I don’t know what you’re talking about."
Bree: "You are unhappy with our sex life because you’re not getting something
from me, but you’re simply too afraid to ask."
Rex: "My problem with our sex life is that you can’t stop thinking about the house
work."
Bree: "Well, then, if that is the case, then take me, right here, right now. The house
is spotless. There aren’t any burritos lying around to pull my focus..."
Rex: "I’m not in the mood."
Bree: "Why not? We haven’t had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded
men would be climbing the walls by now."
Rex: "Please, don’t do this."
Bree: "Rex, whatever you want, I'll go there with you. I will go there with you, you
just have to say it out loud. Tell me, what do you want? What do you need?"
Rex: "I need for you to stop talking like this."
Bree: "Why?"
Rex: "Because you sound like a whore."
Bree: "No I don’t. I sound like a woman whose husband won’t touch her. Rex, after
Mary Alice killed herself, it all hit me. We all have our secrets, and I think it’s time
for you to tell me yours."
Rex stares at her for a long moment before shaking his head.
"That night, while most of Wisteria Lane dreamt the night away, Lynette was in the
middle of her own personal nightmare. Determined her boys would not miss their
fairy tale debut, Lynette stayed up 18 hours staright, sewing. But she began to fear
her story would not have a happy ending."
She begins to cry.
"Luckily for Lynette, she had a magic potion handy."
Lynette goes up to the bathroom and opens the cabinet above the sink. She takes down her children's
ADD medication, and takes two pills.
"...and working..."
Lynette uses the glue gun to put the costumes together.
"...and working."
The next morning, Lynette has completely cleaned the house until it looks spotless and is currently
using a Q-tip to clean parts of the kitchen cabinets.
"It wasn't until noon that lynette finally took a break. And the realizty of what she
had done began to sink in."
Lynette walks briskly to the bathroom where she stares at herself in the mirror. She brushes some
hair away from her face and says softly, "My, what big eyes you have."
She brushes at some stains on her shirt, shrugs, then turns away.
Gabrielle's House
Carlos gives Mama Solis, who's sitting on the couch, a drink. Gabrielle calls out to her.
Gabrielle: "Mama Juanita, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"
Mama Solis: "I'm fine, thank you."
Carlos: "So what's been going on with her? Have you found anything out yet?"
Mama Solis: "Actually, Carlos, the more I watch her, the more I think she's
probably not stepping out on you."
Carlos: "Really?"
Mama Solis: "Yeah. She's not perfect, Lord knows, but she loves you. I can tell."
Carlos kisses her cheek.
Carlos: "Mama. You don't know what a relief it is to hear that. You know, it's funny.
I really think she loves you, too."
Mama Solis: "Oh?"
Carlos: "I got concerend when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told
her about your little problem."
Mama Solis: "You told her about my gambling problem?"
Carlos: "Don't be mad, mama. I just didn't want you slipping into old habits. And
Gabrielle was very concerned about you."
Mama Solis: "She knew."
Susan's House
Susan: "I don't get it. I've gone through all your yearbooks and you and Zach never
went to school with anybody named Dana."
Julie: "He didn't say it was somebody we went to school with."
Susan: "Did it sound like a relative?"
Julie: "He said Dana. It sounded like Dana. Unless he was using a code, that's all
I've got."
Susan gets up from the table and joins Julie at the sink. As they talk, she looks out the window,
watching as Paul, across the street, mows his lawn.
Gabrielle's House
Mama Solis is sitting on the porch, knitting. She watches Gabrielle drive up.
"Juanita was now more convinced than ever that her treacherous daughter-in-law
was having an affair. But the question remained, with whom?"
Gabrielle gets out of her car, checks the mail, then continues up the walk, past John, who's working
on the yard, without saying anything to him.
"And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn’t the men Gabrielle talked to that she
had to worry about."
Gabrielle goes into the house and Mama Solis smiles.
Play Rehearsal
Lynette: "Yeah, I didn’t think so. And just so you know, next spring when we do
Bambi, his mother is going to take a slug to the heart, and you’re going to like it!"
Lynette takes a deep breath and looks over at Jordana, who smiles.
Nighttime
"But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil
always remain..."
~ The End ~
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