(Unkown) By James Crawford

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

The main character, James is walking down the hallway of school. You hear the narrator, which is James, talking about the story. JAMES AS NARRATOR Wow there I am!! James Peterson in the flesh. Ladies can you imagine if you went to high school with all that??? Yeah, I didnt think so!!! Look at me I was such a nerd and obviously had no clue. Look at that hair, and those shoes!! Wow, I even walked like a dork. Anyways, this story isnt about How much of a nerd i was. James stops at his locker. There is a beautiful blond girl walking towards him. 2 INT. SCHOOL LOCKER Yup, now it there the girl my life. AREA you have probably guessed she is, Brittany Johnson, of my dreams, and love of 2

she walks up to James, making it seem like they might possibly be dating. She then walks up to him and gives his homework back. BJ Hey James. I just wanted to stop by and give your homework back, and thank you for letting me copy it. You really saved my ass on that one. JAMES Oh thats no problem, BJ, anytime. BJ thanks a lot. I will talk to you later. She turns and walks away before James can even say bye.

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JAMES AS NARRATOR Oh you didnt actually think that she knew any of that did you? I did, however, know that I was in love with her from the first time I met her. 3 EXT. BJS FRONT YARD 3

James has a flashback that takes place when they were younger kids. BJ has just moved in next door and she is out front playing. James goes over and tries to play with her and talk. YOUNG JAMES Hi, my name is James. name? Whats your

YOUNG BJ Brittany Johnson, but everyone just calls me BJ. YOUNG JAMES You should be my girlfriend YOUNG BJ Eww!! No, boys are gross. After she says that she kicks Young James in the balls and runs off YOUNG JAMES(FALLING TO GROUND) What a woman!!! I think I am in love!! 4 INT. SCHOOLS MAIN LOCKER AREA JAMES AS NARRATOR And I have been in love with her ever since. There is a serious problem though; she doesnt even know I like her. Its not like I never tried to tell her, there was this one time... Well just take a look for yourself. 4

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INT. JR. HIGH PARTY James walks up to BJ with two drinks in hand. JR. HIGH JAMES Hey, BJ how are you doing? Hands her one of the drinks

JR. HIGH BJ Oh I am doing fine, just a little bored. JR. HIGH JAMES Well hey I just wanted to tell you something I have wanted to tell you for awhile. JR. HIGH BJ Really, what is it? JR. HIGH JAMES Well I..... As James is about to confess his undying love to BJ the star athlete of school, quarterback, etc... comes over and pushes James out of the way. CHAZ Move out of the way fag!! Hey BJ I was wondering if you wanted to dance. JR. HIGH BJ Yeah I was getting pretty bored with no one asking me to dance. CHAZ Well thats what happens when you are the hottest girl in school. Everyone is too scared to ask you to dance. JR. HIGH BJ Aww, that was really sweet. Oh yeah, what did you want to tell me James? JR. HIGH JAMES(FROM THE GROUND) Oh... Uhhh, I forgot, just go dance, and have fun.

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INT. BACK TO LOCKER AREA

BJ kissing Chaz in the hallway. James is watching them. Chaz then looks at James. CHAZ(JUST MOVING HIS LIPS) Fuck you James! his friend John walks up to him and interrupts his gaze JOHN Dude, are you starring at BJ again? Dont you remember what happened last time Chaz caught you starring at her? Let me remind you: he muffed your ass in front of all those people. So embarrassing. JAMES AS NARRATOR Ah yes, I have to introduce you to John. I have known him since I pulled his ass out of a locker in middle school, that Chaz locked him in, of course. 7 INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM. James is walking past a locker and hears someone screaming for help, and stops. MIDDLE SCHOOL JOHN(INSIDE LOCKER) HELP ME PLEASE, SOMEONE HELP ME I AM ABOUT TO PISS MYSELF!! MIDDLE SCHOOL JAMES What the... Ok, chill out I will help you get out. MIDDLE SCHOOL JOHN Oh man thanks a lot! I have to piss and Ive been stuck in here for like 3 hrs. MIDDLE SCHOOL JAMES ok whats the combination? MIDDLE SCHOOL JOHN 12-28-83 James unlocks the locker and out comes John 7

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MIDDLE SCHOOL JOHN Oh man thanks a lot! Man I fucking hate Chaz. Oh by the way my name is John MIDDLE SCHOOL JAMES Yeah I met Chaz earlier, I tried to talk to him but he told me to fuck off, and then called me a fag. Oh and I am James, we should be friends. I havent been able to make that many here. MIDDLE SCHOOL JOHN me either They shake hands. 8 INT. BACK TO LOCKER AREA JAMES yeah well I am sorry it was so embarrassing for you that I got my ass kicked in front of those people. James other friend Leonard walks up beside them. LEONARD Hey guys, whats going on? JAMES AS NARRATOR This was my other best friend Leonard, he was pretty much a nerd even by John and my standards. He looked up to us for some reason and he was our weekend entertainment. 9 EXT. JAMES BACKYARD 9 8

Leonard is being shot with paint ball guns by James and John while he is running for his life. They are laughing and drinking beer. JOHN Stalker boy is Seriously dude They are gonna school to bust chill out. stalking BJ again. you have a problem. call Chris Hansen to you if you dont

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JAMES Thats to catch a predator dumb ass, they go after child molesters, and we are the same age. God your such a retard. LEONARD Yeah John, your such a retard. JOHN Whatever, child predator or stalker, they are both sick. And FUCK YOU LEONARD!!! LEONARD Dont worry about him James, he is an idiot and is just mad because that internet chick he had been talking to ended up being in a wheelchair when he met her. James starts to snicker JOHN What? shut the fuck up Leonard! I told you that in confidence. JAMES Are you serious man, in a wheelchair? JOHN Yeah, it was pretty bad. thats the last time I agree to meet someone from the internet without a full body picture. Anyways, it was a bad situation and I dont really want to talk about it anymore. LEONARD Yeah and the worst part about it is her boyfriend showed up and.... John interrupts Leonard JOHN Shut up fag, dont tell him anymore!

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LEONARD Kicks his ass! right there in the burger king, and the best part is that he was a midget!!! JOHN Whatever Leonard he was 4ft 9 thats not even really a midget, and he had brass knuckles and a teardrop tat. JAMES Wow I just dont even know what to say or even why I am friends with yall. John sees a picture of a guy in James locker JOHN What are you gay now? Why would you have pictures of guys in your locker? JAMES what? its a picture of Matthew McConaughey, he is my favorite actor. JOHN Really? I was reading in a magazine he chis his pubes LEONARD Really?? like cheese whiz? what does that do? JOHN No you tard! Why would anyone spread fake cheese on their balls? LEONARD I dont know why, thats just what you said. JOHN He chis his pubes, like how women straighten their hair. He straightens his sack hair. LEONARD Where did you hear that?

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JOHN I dont know, Cosmo or something.. thats not important, whats important is that he chis his pubes. Do you know how many woman must be all over his junk 24/7?!! I bet his dick is so famous it has its own butler. I mean seriously, can you imagine?!! I bet he uses so much hair product his scrote looks like Tyra Banks; only smells better. JAMES Thats kind of weird. I feel a little uncomfortable having this conversation right now... Wait, Heidi chick 70s, movie what? Why Tyra Banks? Why not Klum, or even better that hot from that TV show about the that dates the kid from that where he was home alone.

JOHN Pick any supermodel you want; my point is that he is so awesome that his dick has its own hair dresser!! LEONARD I dont know. That sounds a little weird to me. I thought all those Hollywood guys waxed their pee pees anyways. JOHN Pee-Pees? Seriously? And no, waxing was so last year. This year its all about taint tails and Paul Mitchell products. The carpet has to match the drapes, read a fucking book or something. JAMES Ok well this got way out of hand. Anyways guys I will see yall tonight, or for sure tomorrow at graduation.

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MEET THE PETERSONS

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James is pulling up into his driveway and getting out to get the mail. The Narration picks back up. JAMES AS NARRATOR Ok, now you are about to meet one of the most crazy families to ever live. The Petersons. BRODY CATCH!!! James looks up he gets hit hard in the face by the football. JAMES AS NARRATOR There is my brother, Brody Peterson. Local hero, and the most popular kid in the class of 1998. He was the Quarterback that led our school to its first state championship in 35 years. However, his sports career was shortened when he blew his knee out. No, not playing football, he was sneaking out of the coaches daughters window one night and fell, oh and did I mention he only played quarterback until his first grade check and failed out; and that he is in his 4th year of college, Jr. College!!! And he always called me the loser!! JAMES Jesus Christ Brody!! Why the fuck did you do that? BRODY Because your a fag, maybe if you werent such a fruit cake you could actually catch a football! JAMES Fuck you, maybe if you werent such a retard you wouldnt be in stars algebra in your 4th year of Jr. College. God Im so glad I am leaving in 3 days!!! (CONTINUED)

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James walks into the house as Brody yells something at him. BRODY Yeah well I had sex in your bed earlier today, and jizzed on your pillow. James walks into the living room of the house and walks in on his mom and dad making out on the couch Scene freezes again on James face of disgust JAMES Jesus guys get a room; and you wonder why we are so messed up BETTY Well, tell us why that is James? JAMES Because our parents are hippie weed smoking nymphos!! DUKE Hey, we have not smoked weed in three years! Ever since you had that allergic reaction. JAMES Ok, first off, thats a lie, dont think that I dont smell that stuff when I come home sometimes. Second, it took a near death experience for me in order for yall not to smoke it in the open. DUKE See Betty I told you that spray stuff didnt work, you need to write them a letter! BETTY Ill get on that right away!! JAMES Oh my god!!! I am so glad I am leaving in a few days. BETTY Dont say that, you know youre going to miss us when your gone.

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DUKE Yeah youre probably gonna wanna come back and visit us the first weekend your there. JAMES Yeah I doubt that highly. I am going up to my room. We need to be up at the school at 10 tomorrow. BETTY OK hunny! James walks up to his room and walks in and sees his younger sister sitting there, she is about 16 or so. JAMES Allie, what the hell are you doing going through my shit. ALLIE I know your little friends were trying to take pictures of me and my friends at my sleepover last weekend, I wanna see if they kept them here. JAMES What are you talking about?? Get the hell out!!! ALLIE Tell your friend John I am gonna stab him next time I see him. JAMES OUT!!!! As James is telling Allie to leave he kicks her in the ass as she walks out the door and slams the door behind her. James sits down on his bed and as he is sitting down he puts his hand on his pillow and immediately raises it back up JAMES What the fuck?? James raises his hand up closer to his face to get a better look, it appears to be a white sticky substance JAMES What the fuck, oh my god (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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JAMES (contd) BRODY!!!! IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU he is yelling that as he is rushing to the bathroom gagging and he finally gets there washing his hands and gagging and finally getting it off. James leaves the bathroom walking around the whole house to find Brody but he isnt home, so he goes to tell his parents, but they arent anywhere to be found. so James goes into the bedroom as he flings the door open he walks in on his mom and duke going at. JAMES Oh my god are you serious? DUKE Hey you told us to get a room, so we did! James speechless, walks out of the room and shuts the door behind him. He Walks up to his room and throws the pillow into the trash and falls to the bed, falling asleep. James wakes up in the middle of the night when he hears something enter his room through the window he raises up in his bed and rubs his eyes and sees BJ standing at the foot of his bed in nothing but bra and panties. JAMES Whoa, BJ what are you doing here at this time of the night? And why arent you dressed? BJ Well, I came over here to thank you in a special way, because of all the homework you let me copy. If it wasnt for you i might not be graduating. JAMES Oh, man this awesome He says that with a huge smile as she walks around the bed to lay down beside him. She begins to make out with him and makes her way down on him.

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Then out of nowhere you hear the door bust open. His whole family wakes him up from the dream he was having to sing for hes a jolly good fellow for graduating He is extremely embarrassed by the fact that he has an obvious raging boner. DUKE Hey there James you might want to put a blanket or something over that. JAMES What... What are you talking about? BRODY That sad excuse for a tent your pitching right now. JAMES Shut up Brody!!! Everyone get out! Leave me alone right now. BETTY Dont worry about it hunny, we should have waited until your morning wood was gone before we came in. All boys get that. JAMES OH MY GOD!!! Please just leave me! They all walk out and as his sister Allie is shutting the door, she makes a statement. ALLIE Have sweet dreams you perv. James is now standing in front of the mirror looking at himself. JAMES Man, Im glad Im getting out of here. 11 INT. DORM HALLWAY 11

James is walking through a hallway and looking at a sheet of paper. he looks up at each door and then finally stops to open a door.

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INT. JAMES AND DUSTINS DORM ROOM

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he opens the door and sees a kid his age sitting on a bed curling a small amount of weight on dumb bells. the kid is pretty skinny looking and is really struggling and taking it very serious. He is dressed in the most ridiculous work out clothes you can think of, he has sweatbands on each of his wrists and his head. He also has an ipod around his bicep. DUSTIN 1499, 1500..... JAMES Oh man. I am sorry for barging in on you like that. I just thought this was my dorm. DUSTIN Oh no prob. Wait a second. Are you James Peterson by any chance? JAMES As a matter of fact I am. you know that? How did

DUSTIN Oh my name is Dustin. I am your roommate. Oh man its a good thing it was you, I was this close to going muy tai on your ass. JAMES Oh, OK, well anyways, they didnt tell me about having a roommate or anything. Nice to meet you anyways, Dustin. DUSTIN Hey you dont sound like your from around here... Where are you from? JAMES Oh I am from Texas, around the Dallas area. DUSTIN Huh, Texas thats cool. Did you ride your horse here? Dustin has a little chuckle at his stupid Joke

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JAMES Ha, its not like I havent heard those retarded fucking jokes before. DUSTIN Sorry man I couldnt resist They shake hands and you can tell Dustin is trying to shake hard, but it isnt really effecting James, he sees Dustins face starting to turn red and get shaky. JAMES Hey, are you OK? Your starting to turn red. Dustin lets go of James hand quickly DUSTIN Oh, no I am cool. I dont know if you heard me counting but i just got done doing like 1500 curls. Im just coming down from that, I need to cool down stretch! JAMES Well you must be exhausted. I will let you get back to coming down and doing your cool down stretches while i get unpacked. DUSTIN(KISSING HIS BICEPS) Yeah I dont want any lactic acid building up in these Canons. 13 SCENE James is waiting tables at a diner when Dustin Comes stumbling in. DUSTIN Hey man! I didnt know you were working here. JAMES Yeah I just started here the other day. Are you Drunk? DUSTIN Yeah! Just a little bit. Get me some pancakes bitch!! 13

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JAMES Dude settle down youre going to get me fired. James sits Dustin down in a secluded booth. JAMES Sit here and dont make a big scene and I will be with you in a second. James walks over to man by himself reading a newspaper. JAMES Are you ready to order sir? MAN Yes, but first have you seen that new Alex Cooper movie? JAMES Yeah yeah, Me and my friend saw it the other night. MAN What did you think about it? In the newspaper they say it wasnt funny at all. I thought it was hilarious. JAMES Well honestly I didnt think it was that funny. The teenage romantic comedy thing is pretty played out by now. MAN(CHUCKLING) I think I am going to need one more minute. JANES Ok, well I will be back shortly to help you. James walks back over to tend to Dustin and sees he has a astonished look on his face. JAMES What is wrong with you? You better not fucking throw up in here. DUSTIN You are a fucking idiot. Do you know who that is?

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JAMES No. Why? Who is it? DUSTIN Thats Alex fucking Cooper and you just told him his movie sucked ass. JAMES Oh my god!! The man calls out for him. ALEX COOPER Hey I am ready to order now. James walks over with an embarrassed look on his face. JAMES What can I get for you tonight sir? ALEX COOPER I will take a couple of eggs scrambled, bacon and some french toast. JAMES Ok, be right out with that sir. James goes and places his order an then walks back over to Dustin. JAMES What do I fucking do? I just told one of the best movie producers his movie sucked balls. DUSTIN I dont know. JAMES Hes probably going to get my boss to fire me. DUSTIN Yeah thats what I would do. Your screwed. JAMES Im just going to go talk to him. James starts to walk away.

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DUSTIN Dont do it man. James walks up to Alex Cooper and just stands there starring at him. ALEX COOPER Umm can I help you son? JAMES Ok I am sorry for what I said about your movie. Im such a dick head sometimes and get myself into trouble with my mouth. ALEX COOPER Save it son. Your not the first person to ever criticize me.I like your honestly though. I felt the same way, but they assured me the movie would be a big hit. I doubt Ill make back what I spent to film it. What do you do son? JAMES Well, I work here. ALEX COOPER No. I mean what do you want to do? You cant flip burgers for the rest of your life. JAMES Oh, I go to film school at the university. I want to, well, make movies. All the sudden a bell rings COOK James! order up. JAMES Hold on Be right back with your order. James goes and gets the food and brings it back to him. ALEX COOPER Well, here is my card give me a call tomorrow I have a part for a diner boy in this movie. You would be perfect. (CONTINUED)

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Alex Cooper hands him the card throws money on the table and walks out with James standing there holding the food. James walks over to Dustin and hands him Alex Coopers order. DUSTIN I said I wanted pancakes bitch!! James Stands there with a blank stare on his face. DUSTIN What are you fucking retarded! JAMES No. Alex Cooper just gave me an acting job in a movie. DUSTIN Are you kidding me? Thats fucking awesome dude. Now go get me some pancakes bitch! 14 SCENE James pulls up to the front gate of the film studio. GUARD How can I help you today? JAMES Yeah, I was told to come here today for the Alex Cooper movie. GUARD Name? JAMES James Peterson The guard looks at his clip board. GUARD Ok, studio 23. The gate opens and James Drives through. 14

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SCENE James opens up the door of studio 23 and walks in and sees Alex Cooper, who then sees James and waves him over. COOPER Im glad you made it out. My assistant Alice will go over what you need to do, and take you to wardrobe. A young girl walks over to James and extends her hand out for a handshake. ALICE Nice to meet you James. James grasps her hand and shakes it. JAMES Nice to meet you to. Alice takes off. ALICE Walk with me James. James walks fast to catch up with her. JAMES So what is it that I am supposed to do exactly? Do I have a script or anything I need to look at. ALICE No your part doesnt require a script. JAMES What do you mean? ALICE Well you work at a real diner right? JAMES Yes. ALICE Well, you are playing a waiter at a diner. You just take their order like you would any other time.

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JAMES That sounds easy enough. ALICE We will see once the cameras get on you. Ok here is wardrobe get in there and put on whatever they have picked out for you. Try and relax. I will come get you when you are needed. James walks in and sees someone sitting in a chair who he has seen in many other movies. JAMES Oh man your Jim Davis. That movie you played a college frat guy in what awesome. Jim rolls his eyes at James. JIM Dont talk to me newbie. My cousin was supposed to get the part your playing. Just dont mess up the fucking scene. Jim then gets out of his chair then walks out. JAMES(WHISPERING TO HIMSELF) What an asshole! 16 SCENE 16