Im Not Enjoying This Episode Two Flat Party

Written by Rob Stimpson & Jack Melling

Scene 1 Int. Frank is sitting on the sofa watching TV looking nicely bedraggled. He is in some form of pyjamas and is clearly not long out of bed. Anton enters the room from his bedroom and walks through to the kitchen where he makes himself a cup of tea and some t oast. He walks back towards his bedroom, past Frank, but doesnt look at him. Anton: Oh by the way, were having a party tonight. Were going out to get some drink and that in twenty minutes. Anton closes his bedroom door behind him. Frank looks vacantly into space, his facial expression unchanged. He lets out a little sigh and stretches his arms and legs out before collapsing down onto the sofa.

Scene 2 Ext. Frank and Anton are walking side by side through residential streets on their way to the bus stop. Frank: All Im saying is you could have mentioned something before today. I might have arranged something and not been able to come. Anton: I was pretty confident that wouldnt happen , in all honesty. Im sure you could delay wanking until tomorrow. Frank sighs. Frank: OK then, but you still could have just told me, its not a surprise party. Anton: I just half forgot. getting all pissy about it. Frank: I wouldnt get pissy! Plus, I didnt want you

Anton: Frank, if I had to describe your attitude to most social situations in one word, then I would use the word pissy. Im not trying to slag you off, its just a fact. Frank: Well I cant exactly argue against a fact can I? Whos even coming anyway? Ive hardly got any ti me to tell my friends about it.

Anton: You havent really got many friends. all, actually. Frank: Oh for fuc-

If any at

Anton: You pretty much just hang around with me and my friends now because you couldnt hold onto your own friends. But there will be plenty of people there, dont worry. I made an event on Facebook and invited my entire friends list. Frank: Well this is going to be a shit party.

Anton: Fuck off, mate. Ive got some good guys coming and plenty of fit girls. Frank: Anton: Frank: Girls? Yes girls. Human females.

Well good, then.

They continue to walk in silence for a few seconds. Frank: Is there actually any reason for this party? Its not your birthday is it? Anton: Frank: Its for you moving in with me. A housewarming party?

Anton: Yeah of sorts. Ive arranged a party and it just so happens to be your first weekend in the flat so its a housewarming party. Frank: Dont try and explain it, it just makes it worse.

Frank and Anton wait at the bus s top. Anton looks up at the digital display board. He seems confused. Anton: Why is the next bus not for four minutes? four minutes early! Frank: I dont see your point? about that? Were

Why are you so angry

Anton: Because I dont want to wait ar ound for four minutes at a bus stop, Im not that kind of person.

Frank: I just made us leave a little early so we didnt have to rush. Plus if the bus was early we would have either had to run for it or miss it completely. Anton: Well first of all, I would never run for a bus. Never. There is nothing more humiliating than running for a bus and not making it. Frank: Well you should be thankful then, we can chill out and not rush around. See, sometimes it pays to be early. Anton: You are such a loser, its unreal.

A man in a backpack and baseball walks past Anton and Frank and spits on the floor. He is obviously waiting for the bus too, but he is walking around in random circles, just constantly spitting on the floor. Spitting every few seconds or so. Anton is transfixed. Frank tries not to stare. Anton: Frank: Anton: he is? Frank: Look at this guy. Shut up. Dont draw attention to it. Who does he think

Hes just spitting, non -stop.

Who cares.

We dont know him, just leave it.

Anton gets his phone out of his pocket and starts to record the spitting man. He thinks he is being subtle, but he isnt. Frank cant stand it. Frank: Anton: Anton, for fuck sake, stop it! Spit, spit, spit, spit.

The spitting man continues spitting, but then notices that Anton is pointing his phone at him. Spit: Anton: Spit: You filming me? Im documenting. Why you filming me? You breaking my human rights.

Anton: You cant complain about human rights when youre spitting all over the floor yo u moron! Im afraid to move in case I slip on a piece of your flob.

The spitting man moves towards Anton and Frank with menace, plunging his hand into his pocket. Anton recoils in fear. Anton: Oh shit, hes got a knife!

Anton pushes Frank between himself and the spitting man. The spitting man has a bunch of keys in his hand, with one key sticking out between his index and middle finger. Anton bursts out laughing. Anton: A key?! What are you going to do, unlock the door to your spit covered hol e of a flat? A key?! Spit: Anton: You bad man! I remember you face! Yeah you do that.

Anton spits on the floor and pulls a gangsta face. Frank: Did you just use me as a human shield against someone who you thought had a knife? Anton: Frank: He had a key, Frank, chill out. You were just about to throw away my life!

The bus approaches. Anton: Can you pay for me? Ive got no change.

Anton boards the bus and Frank follows, paying for them both. The bus doors close.

Scene 3 Ext. Anton and Frank are walking through a busy and crowded Crawley town centre. Frank looks visibly displeased about this while Anton tries to look at every single person they walk past. Antons phone beeps as he gets a text. He starts to veer off towards the side of the street. Frank: Where are you going?

Anton: Ive just got a text, Ive got to get off to the side and read it. Frank: Just read it later.

Anton:

What if its something important?

Frank: What if its just O2 sending through special offers like it always is. Anton gives Frank a dismissive hand gesture and walks off to the side of the street, leaning up against a shop wall to read the text. Frank begrudgingly joins him, looking around at the crowds disapprovingly. Frank: Anton: Frank: Who is it then? Its private. Just tell me! Is it Nicola? She is a female,

Anton: Its none of your business. though, obviously. Frank: Obviously.

Is it about the party?

Anton ignores Franks comment completely as he starts to reply, thinking demonstr atively about what words to use. Frank sighs and continues his vacant staring. A group of four 14 year old girls approach Frank and Anton, all mouth and swagger. Girl1: Frank: Girl1: Frank: Anton: light. Girl2: Frank: Anton: at me. All right lads, you got a light? Did you just say all right lads? Did I stutter? No, its just She didnt stutter Frank, she just asked for a Sorry ladies but we dont have one. Hes pretty cute. Who me? Arrogant! She meant me, she was clearly looking

Frank: Calm down, you can have the little girl you pervert. Girl2: Who you calling a little girl you dick?

Frank: Girl2: Frank:

Well you are. Fourteen.

How old are you?

How is that not a little girl?!

Girl2: Whatever. Ive slept with guys twice your age, so whos the little girl now? Frank: Right ok. Lets go Anton.

Girl1: No, no, no wait. What you guys up to this afternoon? Frank: Anton: Girl3: Anton: Absolutely nothing that would involve you. Sorry girls, weve got a party to plan. Sweet! Where at? Our flat.

Girl3: Sick, so you gonna tell us where so we can come over, yeah? Frank: Girl2: go. Frank: Girl1: Frank: No we fucking are not! Whats your beef? You been hating us from word

Youre all fourteen year old girls thats what. Do we intimidate you? No, but the thought of going to prison does.

Girl3: Just let us come over for some fun, well make it worth your while. Frank: Oh god

Anton: Sorry girls, but theres already too many people coming. Maybe another time. Girl2: Yeah ok then. sort something out. Frank: Anton: No chance! Why not? Give us your numbers and well

Frank: sake! Anton:

Anton look at these girls, they are kids for fuck

Yeah but theyre keen.

Girl3: Weve done everything before anyway, you aint got nothing to be scared of. Frank: How can you have done everything already? fourteen! Girl2: Its just sex, mate, chill out. Youre

Frank: You should be out playing run outs, or bloody hopscotch or something, not having sex. Its a disgrace. The girls all start laughing hysterically. Girl1: Hes a virgin! VIRGIN!!

All the girls start shouting virgin and pointing at Frank. Passers-by look on disapprovingly. Anton: Frank, are you a virgin still?

Frank: Of course Im not a virgin! Im just normal and not some fucked up mess of a child who shags seedy scumbag men when Im fourteen years old. Girl4: Oi, prick! The other girls cheer.

Girl4 punches Frank on the cheek. Anton: Frank: OWNED!! Fuck this.

Frank storms off rubbing his cheek. apologetically to the girls. Anton: Girl1:

Anton turns

Sorry girls, hes a bit pissy. No worries mate, youre safe. Laters for now.

Anton and Girl1 bump fists before Anton catches up w ith Frank. Anton: Wait up!

Frank continues to walk on, his face like thunder.

Anton: Frank: there? Anton:

Frank, chill out will you? What was all that about? What were you doing

Just a bit of banter.

Frank: Dont ever do that again, for fuck s ake. This is exactly why we should never come to town on a Saturday. Its full of weird, strangely aggressive children . Anton: Are you scared of kids Frank, is that what it is? Ill protect you from the rough nasty fourteen year olds dont worry. Frank: Unless they had a knife, of course.

Anton: Piss off Frank, you just dont understand banter. Especially weapon banter. Frank: it. If that was banter , then no I dont understand

Anton: Dont worry, theres time for you yet. We live in the best town south of London, Im sure you can pick up a few things before you die. Frank: The best town south of London? serious? Anton: Are you being

Stop being a snob Frank, Crawleys awesome.

Frank: I can name at least five places south of London that are better. Anton: Name them then. Frank: Brighton. Anton: Gay. Frank: How is that gay? Anton: Have you ever been to Brighton? Frank: Yes. More than you. Anton: Once again, gay .

Frank: Are you talking about me or Brighton?

Anton: Both. Frank: What about Bournemouth? Anton: Gay. And thats south west of London.

Frank: How is Bournemouth gay? Anton: Frank, all seaside towns and cities in the south coast with a beach are gay. Frank: How? Anton: They all have piers dont they? Its l ike a massive erection sticking out of the coastline. Is that why you like these places so much Frank? For the massive phallic piers? Frank: You are an actual imbecile arent you? Yes, Brighton has a vibrant gay community yes, which is fine, of course Anton starts laughing. Frank: What? Anton: Youve just admitted that you r favourite town is gay. Frank: Its not my favourite town. I just prefer it to Crawley. Anton: Where else would you live though?

Frank: Every town or city has the same problems, they are all falling apart, all made up of similar people moaning about how much they want to move away. Every place has its nice areas and its dives, it has its nice people and its scumbags, so what can yo u do? Youll get bored wherever you go, so you may as well stay where you know people. Frank: And thats your argument for why we live in the best town south of London? Because we were born and raised here. Anton: Exactly. Show some home town pride. Crawley's better than Brighton. No question. Maybe even London. Frank: Give me one reason why. One reason other than we already live here.

Anton: Crawley's not gay. Frank: Another reason, that's not homophobic or idiotic. Anton: Erm.........it has the biggest Poundland in Britain, probably Europe. Frank: Thats not a positive thing. Anton: It is if you want to buy things for a pound. Its very positive in that respect.

Scene 5 Ext. Frank finds Anton further in the town centre. They walk towards HMV. Frank: Are we getting food and drink yet ? Ive only got a mental shopping list and Im scared Ill forget something. Anton: Frank: Lets just pop in here. Why? I thought we were getting alcohol and food?

Anton: I just need to pick something up in here, too. Its important. Frank: Anton: Important how? Dont ask questions, I wont be a sec.

Anton goes to enter store but Frank pulls him back. Frank: Anton: What are you looking for? Just let me go in you retard.

Frank: Look, I cant go in there I have no money, but Ill see shit loads of stuff I want and dont need and whack it on my credit card. I dont want to do that, so just tell me now. Anton: Frank: Anton: A CD. What one? DJ Nuff-Luv presents Slow Jamz 2011 .

Frank:

DJ Nuff-Luv? He pops off the urban

Anton: Yeah, hes banging. bangers fo real. Frank: Anton: Frank: S? Anton: What?

What did you just say?

Its street. Is Jamz spelt with a Z on the end instead of an

Yes.

Frank: Obviously. Why is a Z seen as cooler than an S? Is Nuff short for enough? Anton: Frank: Anton: Frank: Anton: Frank: Anton: Frank: Yes. So what does DJ Enough Love mean? Does all this geek speak have a point? Why do we need this CD anyway? We dont need it I need it. But why? I just would really like to get my hands on it. Tell me why. Whats with the big secret?

Anton stops his search and faces Frank. Anton: Oh for Gods sake! Fine. Nicola said that she really loves some of the songs o n that album, and she said that if I have it at the party then she will grind with me. Frank: Grind with you?

Anton: Yeah, you know, grinding ( Anton demonstrates a grinding dance by squatting slightly and wiggling his bum around Franks crotch). Frank: Anton: Stop that. Now. Then I will give her the promise ring.

Frank rolls his eyes. Frank: Has Nicola said she is definitely coming then?

Anton: (resuming his search through the CDs ) Well not definitely, but she said she might. Frank: And what if she doesnt? Youve just spent over a tenner on a CD full of shit hip hop love songs. Anton: Frank: She will be there. Look, Anton, Nicola is

Anton finally picks out the CD and walks away towards the till. Frank is left open mouthed, mid sentence. He duly follows.

Scene 6 Ext. Anton and Frank are now walking home again, but they are equipped with a crate of beer each as well as a couple of plastic bags a piece too , all of which they are carrying clumsily. Anton: Frank: Lets take a break, my shoulder hurts. Were nearly home now, though. Im sweating,

Anton: Were stopping, just for a sec. dont anger me while Im sweating.

Anton and Frank place their crates and bags on the floor, sitting on the crates to take a breather. Anton: Frank, I want to ask you something, and I want you to answer truthfully. Frank: (sensing severity) Of course, mate. What is it?

Anton: Well, if Nicola comes to the party tonight, which she definitely is, Im going to give her the promise ring. I just thought Id see what you thought about that. This is a huge step for me. Frank: No, no Anton, dont do it. Its ridiculous. No ones even heard of a promise ring, its something religious American teenagers do because th ey cant have sex. Even youre better than all that.

Anton: You just dont understand. I mean, youve been single for so long, barely having sex, youve been unemployed, you cant drive and your parents are divorced Frank: They split up seven years ago!

Anton: It all adds up, Frank. Youre a disturbed young man and there are just some things you dont understand. Frank: you. Shes a female player, Anton, and shes playing

Anton: Theres no such thing as a female player, Frank, only men are players. Frank: Thats ridiculous. I just wanted to check you

Anton: I like her, Frank. didnt, too.

Frank: Dont worry, I dont like her as a person, let alone romantically. Anton: Good, because shes out of your league anyway. just wanted to make sure you werent secretly plotting against me. Frank: Thats a bit Shakespearean for you. I

Anton: (angrily) Argh! Shut up you absolute loser ! You are just uncool. Its as simple as that. Come on, lets bounce before I knock you out. Frank stands up and picks up his crate once more and starts to walk home again. Anton slowly follows him, tripping him up from behind when he gets close enough.

Scene 7 Int. Frank just comes out of his room. Anton is frantically getting everything ready for the party. Hes wearing jeans, a garish tie -dye shirt and a blazer. He has a slight swelling on his cheek. Anton: Wheres the Pringles? Frank: Erm, I dont think we got any.

Anton: For fucks sake, why didnt you remind me to get the Pringles? Frank: Its your party, you should remember these things . I told you the mental shopping list is dangerous. Anton: Oh shut up, Frank. Ill just have to work extra hard to make it an awesome party. Arent you getting ready? Frank: I am ready. Anton: So youre wearing jeans and a t -shirt? Frank: Yes, its just a flat party. Anton (shaking his head): Theres no such thing as just a flat party, Frank. Youve always got to be ready for pussybant, you never know when its going to strike. Why do you think I wear 60 aftershave when I go to the shops. Frank: You wear aftershave to the shops? Theres actually

Anton: - its going to be awesome. potential for an orgy.

Frank: Theres not going to be an orgy , theres no Pringles (starts laughing). Anton (turns away): Fuck off. At least I dont have a fucking Elephant Man swelling on my cheek. Frank instinctively reaches his hand up to his cheek, which in reality is only slightly bruised. Frank: Theres hardly anything there. And you can shut up, youre wearing a blazer with jeans! Do you realise how stupid that looks? Its the official uniform of the arrogant wanker. Anton: Exactly. Frank: Well, why are you wearing it then? Anton: Because I want to look like an arrogant, girls love arrogance. Frank: Since when?

Anton: Since forever. Why do you think footballers and actors get so many girls? Frank: Because they have loads of money. Anton: No, its because they are arrogant, and girls love it. Look just trust me, Nicola will take one look at me in this blazer and jean combo and think what a sexy arrogant man and will want me instantly. Frank: Okay. But you need to act arrogant, you cant just look the part. Anton: Yeah, Ill be fine. Frank: You sure? You did buy a CD specifically to grind with Nicola. Thats not something an arrogant man would do. Anton: Look, Ill act arrogant all night then switch on the Slow Jamz and shell be putty in my hands. Its called being smooth. Frank: How about being desperate? Anton stays silent. Frank: By the way, whats with the shirt? Anton: This (looking down)? Frank: Yes, that. Anton: Its my lucky shirt. Frank: How is it lucky? Anton: I pulled Nicola when I wore it. Frank: What did you say to her? That you played for Crawley Town? Anton: No.....Brighton and Hove Albion. Frank: I dont think she got off with you because of the shirt. It was probably the footballer thing. Anton: Trust me it was the shirt. Frank: You do realise its a tie -dye shirt?

Anton: What can I say?

She must be a fan of tie-dye.

Frank: I still think it might be the football. Anton: Whatever Frank. Well see who gets the most action tonight. You dressed like that or me dressed like this. Frank: Neither of us. Well be too busy clean ing up stuff to enjoy the party. Anton: No, youll be doing that, Ill be too busy being the perfect host and getting all the hot girls pissed. Frank: What footballer did you say you were anyway? Anton: Baz Savage. Frank: You do realise hes black. Why did you think youd get away with that? Anton: Dunno, thought Id try something different. Frank: What do you usually say? Anton: I want you to sit on my face . Frank: Does it work? Anton: Sometimes, but I think you need the shirt to pull it off. Frank: Ok (walks away shaking his head ). Doorbell rings. Anton (acting frantic): The first people are here ( walks over to Frank). Dont act pissy! Frank: I wont act pissy. Anton: Good because this partys going to be awesome and I dont want you messing things up. Frank: How can I mess things up? Anton: By being you! (goes to open the door ). Anton opens the door to a scruffy, unshaven, smelly old man in his late 40s/ early 50s . Anton: Keith! Whats happening man?

Keith grumbles something and walks into the flat. He pulls out a can of Super Tennants, sits down in front of the TV and starts drinking the beer. Frank (talking quietly): Whos he? Anton: Thats Keith. Hes a legend. Frank: How is he a legend? Isnt he the bloke that drinks in the local pub all day? Anton: Yes. Legend! Frank: So sitting in the pub all day drinking beer constitutes being a legend? Anton: Yes, hes his own man. Shot of Keith doing a massive burp. Frank: How did he know about this party? Anton: I told him yesterday. He lives downstairs. Frank: Werent you working? Anton: Finished early. Frank: What do you do? Anton: I told you, this and that. Why dont you entertain the guests? Frank: Theres only one. Anton: I told you not to be pissy! Frank: Im not being pissy, Im stating a fact. Anyway hes your friend, you entertain him. Anton: Fine then. Obviously Im going to have to single handedly make this an amazing party. Get me a beer. Frank grudgingly goes to the fridge and gives Anton a beer. Anton: Thats better (slaps Frank on the face twice ). Keith, you enjoying yourself so far? ( Walks over to Keith).

Frank sits down at the dining room table looking miserable.

Scene 8 Int. Frank and Anton are sitting together on the dining room table. Both look miserable. The time is 10:03pm and only 3 people are at the party. 2 bored looking girls and Keith. Anton: What the fuck!? I swear I invited more people than this. Frank: So you only have three friends on Facebook? Anton: No, Keith isnt on Facebook. Frank: Two friends then. Anton: Im sorry Frank, how many friends do you have on Facebook? I believe I have 362 and you have 296. Frank: You know how many friends you and I have? Thats a bit sad. Anton: No its not, I know these FACTS so I can throw them in your face when you start gettin g pissy with me. Frank: Ok, so you invited 362 people and only 3 showed up? Anton: Look Frank, why dont you contribute to this party and invite someone? Surely you must have some friends? Frank: I do, but no ones gonna come round this late are they? You should have planned ahead shouldnt you? Anton: Its call being impulsive. Girls love it. Frank: Like that shirt. Anton: No, like my cock. Frank: Who are those girls over there anyway? Anton: Dont have a clue. Must be randoms I added on Facebook. Frank: Randoms you added on Facebook?

Anton: Yeah, every now and then I spend an evening asking random girls to be my friend. They obviously dont all accept, but some do. Its a numbers game. If you send out enough requests, youre bound to get some who accept. Frank: But why? weird? What if they then see you out? Isnt it

Anton: Once again, Frank, you are absolutely clueless . I create a fake profile page of someone whos a bit of a freak. I then search for fit girls in Crawley and ad d them as friends from this freak persons profile. If they accept, I send a message to the fit girl from the real me asking why shes friends with this freak . Banter ensues. Frank: And this works? Anton: Yes, its a conversation starter. Frank: Isnt it a bit c reepy and weird? Anton: No its clever and innovative. Got 50 fit girls added on my profile through this fake profile, David Timothy Tuck. Frank: So you dont actually have the amount of friends you said, were basically equal. Anton: No I still talk to these girls until.... Frank: They realise youre a stalker? Anton: Until I got bored. Frank: Until they realise youre a very dangerous man . Antons phone starts ringing . Anton: Shut up, Nicolas ringing. ( Answers phone) Hey babe, whats happening? Nicola: You still having your party? Anton: Erm, yes. Its fucking mental. Nicola: Is there plenty of cock? Anton: About two-thirds, yes. Nicola: Good, were coming over there.

Anton: We? Nicola: Yes, me, my friends and other people from this party were at. Something happened, old bill got involved, no biggy. Anton: How many people? Nicola: About 50. Anton: Quality, bring them all here. Nicola: Safe, and there better be cock Anton. wanna waste my time! I dont

Anton: Yes yes, there will be cock (Starts pointing at his cock to Frank, miming My Cock, my cock, before grinding with himself). Frank: Please dont do that. Nicola: Cool, see you later. Anton: Yes, see you later....Oh one more thing. Nicola: Yes?! Anton: Could you bring some P ringles? Nicola: Pringles? Anton: Yes and some hardcore booze of course. You know what Im like. Frank rolls his eyes. Nicola: Whatever Anton. See you later. Anton: Bye, bye, bye, bye...... ( Nicola hangs up the phone). Frank: So how many people is s he bringing? Anton: About ten. Frank: Good, not too many then? Anton: Yeah it should be fine ( turns around to the people at sitting down). Come on then lets get this party started!

Anton rushes over to his ipod dock and presses play. Candle in the Wind starts playing. Anton: Frank: Anton: No, fuck off! How did that happen?

Nice choice, banging party. I didnt even know I had this on here.

Frank: You dont have to make excuses, his early stuff is pretty good. Anton: Shut up you gay!

After fiddling around for a while he starts to play any of a multitude of generic dance tracks. Anton: Frank: Anton: Thats more like it. Yeah, this is brilliant. You like this Keith?

Keith grumbles, neither in the positive or negative. Anton: Frank: See? Keith likes it.

That was just a neutral noise.

Anton dances over to the girls standing in the kitchen area. Anton: Girl1: Anton: How about you ladies? Its pretty sick, yeah. See, Frank. No one cares what you think! Do you like this beat?

Anton continues a little dance, which Girl1 presumes is encouragement to join, so she starts to dance to, attempting to grind on Anton. Anton: Urgh, no. Not with you, love.

Anton walks moves over to some of the alcohol sitting next to the sink. He op ens a bottle of whiskey. Anton: Need to get in the zone, gotta be smooth.

He starts to swig healthy gulps of neat whiskey. forced to stop and spit when he start to wretch. continues to wretch and vomits ever so slightly. Frank: Anton: What the hell are you doing? Im nervous, all right?

He is He

Frank: Why, its just a house party? drunk and just having a good time.

Everyone will be

Anton: This is very important to me, Frank. Nicola will be in my home and I want our grinding to be perfect. Tonight is our night, Ive already explained this to you . Frank: Well just take it easy, youre about as smooth as a lumberjack right now. It will all be fine in a few minutes, youll see. Anton just stares blankly at Frank for a few seconds before spitting into the sink again.

Scene 9 Int. The flat is now absolutely packed with people. Everyone appears to be drunk and shouting conversations. Frank picks his way through the crowd to find Anton. Frank: Anton, can I have a word? Anton: Yeah sure. Frank: Theres not 10 people here. More like 60. Anton: Yes and your point is? Frank: You said only 10 were coming round. Anton: Things changed. Frank: No they didnt change, you lied to me. Anton: Yes, OK, I lied, but only coz I knew you would start getting pissy. Frank: Im not pissy. I just dont like th e idea of 60 random people in the flat. What if they steal from us? We cant stop them!

Anton: Oh shut up, Frank. You should be looking for someone to shag not worrying about getting rob bed. Youve got nothing worth stealing anyway, this is all mine. Frank sighs. Anton: Stop sighing. Look Frank, I have three points to make. One, its my flat so you dont have a say in the matter. Two, the people aren t random, all of them are my friends now. And, three , stop being pissy. Frank: Name one person in this pa rty apart from me, Keith and Nicola. Anton: ............ John. Theres always a John. JOHN ? (shouting). People turn around but no -one answers the name. Anton: Shit! Theres always usually a John. Frank: So you actually know no -one. These people arent your friends. Theyre using our flat ..... Anton: My flat. Frank: Theyre using your flat as a party venue. Anton: I dont care. Look at all the gash. Frank: Theyre all Nicolas friends, thats not great. Anton: Why not? Frank: coz theyre chavs. Anton: No theyre not. Tracksuit bottoms are just back in fashion. Frank sighs and continues to look around distressed. Anton: Look dont ruin tonight, Im going to bust out the Slow Jamz soon for Nicola. I can tell she wants me. The blazer and jeans are working a treat. Frank: But she hasnt spoken to you all night . even said hello to me. Shes

Anton: Thats because shes an open, approachable woman. Shes warm hearted and kind. You could learn something from her. Frank: She said hello to me by grabbing my nob from behind and saying not bad, I might come back for you later. Anton: Frank: What did you do? I didnt do anything!

Anton: You must have led her on, she wouldnt do that to someone without being seduced first. Frank: Im staying out of this, just go and say hello to her if you really want to. Frank turns away and goes to walk off but bumps into a girl on her own behind him. Frank: Oh sorry love, didnt see you there. This is your flat isnt

Betty: Its fine, dont worry. it? Is this your party? Frank: flat. Betty: Frank: Well I live here, yes.

Its my cousin Antons

Anton Sinclair, right? Yeah you know him?

Betty: Kind of; hes a bit of a moron. Sorry for the offence. Frank: None taken. Trust me. My names Frank, by the way. Betty: Im Betty. Sinclair? Frank: Yes Hang on does that make you Frank

Betty: This might sound random, but are you starting a new job on Monday? At Total BS Marketing???? Frank: (suspicious) Yes I work there! I work in your new

Betty: Oh my god! office!

Betty hugs Frank very affectionately. Frank is slightly taken aback but returns the hug happily. Betty looks up at Franks face. Betty: Oh, is your face all right?

Frank: Oh that? Yeah, just got into a little scrape earlier, nothing serious. Betty raises her eyebrows, looking slightly impressed. Betty: At least it wont scar your pretty face . pretty cute. Frank: Thanks? And Im presuming youre drunk? Betty: Yes. (Giggling) Youre cute. (Playing with her hair) So how comes youre working at Total BS Marketing???? Frank: Erm, well why not, basically? Its obviously not my dream job, nor probably a career, but a jobs a job, right? I just need to save money and get some security. Why are you here? Shouldnt you be out in town or something? Betty: I was at this other party but it got shu t down because someone pulled out an airgun and the police turned up. Plus there was coke and crack everywhere, people shagging in toilets it wasn't the best party. Then this random chav girl said we should all come here. Frank: Ah, brilliant. To be hon est I wasnt expecting so many people here, especially this many drunk people. I can just picture the place getting smashed up. Betty: Oh, relax! Just enjoy the party. Youre

Frank: I cant though, its just me looking out for trouble, Antons too busy trying to sleep with Nicola. Betty: Whos Nicola? Frank: The random chav girl. Betty: Oh, sorry. Frank: Its ok, Id call her worse things than a random chav girl. I dont think much of her. Betty: What do you think of me then?

Frank: Erm, you seem nice. Betty: I seem nice? Frank: Yeah, sorry I couldnt think of anything better. You caught me by surprise. Betty: You like surprises? Frank: Depends what sort of surprise I get. Betty: Well maybe Ill give you a nice surprise later (Walks away). Frank: Well can't I just have it now? Betty: Don't be impatient, we've got all night. Frank: Well not really all night, this party will end eventually. And its better to have no regrets than rue a missed opportunity. Frank raises his eyebrows suggestively. Betty: Oh don't be boring, we've got to party hard all through the night. Party hard! Only boring people go to sleep at night on the weekend, and you can sleep plenty when you're dead anyway. Just enjoy yourself while you're young! Arent you hardcore? Frank: So you're not going to sleep then? Betty: Yes, I'll crash tomorrow morning when I finally burn out. Frank: So you will eventually go to sleep; why not just go to sleep when it's still dark? Betty: Yeah but you don't party in the day, you idiot! Frank: Yeah but that's when everything is open, you can buy things; that's when everyone else is awake and enjoying life in colour. People tend to sleep at night when they can't see anything. Betty: (scoffs) Yeah, the boring people! Frank: Well I'd rather be boring then! So when am I getting this surprise?

Betty: Just be patient. Betty kisses Frank on the cheek and then walks back off into the crowd. Frank looks pleased with himself and less distressed at the amount of people at the party. Anton suddenly appears. Anton: Who was that? Frank: A new work colleague. Anton: Thats all youre giving me? Frank: Stop being pissy Anton ( Starts laughing). Anton: Youre in a better mood? Frank: Maybe this party wasnt such a bad idea. Anton: You see, you love me deep down Cous! ( Starts hugging him) Keiths already said its the best party hes ever been to. Frank: Keith can speak? Anton: Sort of. He grumbled something, but definitely said something about how super the party was. Frank: He probably told you to get him another Super Tennants. Anton: Whatever Frank. Someone behind Anton and Frank throws up all over the kitchen floor. Anton: Clean that up. Ive got to warm -up my grinding technique. Frank sighs and then turns around to clean up the mess. Anton walks up to Nicola. Anton: You ok babes? Enjoying the party? Nicola: Its alright, been to better. Anton: Well if youd have brought the Pringles like I asked Nicola: I know it might seem like a ten year olds birthday party, but its not, and Pringles would have

made no difference. It would have just been an average party with nice crisps. Anton looks visibly disappointed. Nicola: Anyway, wheres all the cock? You said there was two-thirds. Anton: Im here. Nicola rolls her eyes. Anton: Do you remember the shirt? Nicola (looking at the shirt in disgust ): No, its horrible. Does it mean anything? Anton: You remember that time we pulled. Nicola: What when you said you was that Brighton footballer? Anton: Yeah, sorry about that. Nicola: Dont remind me. No offense Anton, but it was a bit of a low point. Its up there with the time I nearly ODd on heroin. Anton: Oh right. Nicola: Why are you wearing blazer and jeans? Anton: Its the fashion, babes. Nicola: No its not; and only a certain type of person can pull off that look and I dont think youre one of them. Anton (trying to hide his disappointment ): Great, would you like a drink? Nicola: Do you have any WKDs? Anton: No we dont. We have some beer and cider. Nicola: For fucks sake Anton. Youre lucky I h ave nothing and no-one to do tonight (starts laughing). Anton: I could make you a snakebite. We have blackcurrant.

Nicola: Yeah whatever. Anton: Cool, wait there Ill be back in a minute. Anton walks to the kitchen to get Nicolas drink. He sees Frank cleaning up the sick on the floor. Anton: For fucks sake Frank, why didnt we get any WKDs?! Frank: Do we have to do this now? Im cleaning up sick. Anton: Why didnt you tell me to get WKDs? Frank: So its my fault now? Anton: I shouldve known. She always drinks them in Liquid. Frank: No you shouldve known because only chavs drink WKD. Anton: And only dickheads clean up sick. Frank: You told me to.

Anton: Make that a mug as well then ( Turns around to start making the drink). Frank: How are things going with Nicola then? Anton: Could be better. Her feelings about the party are mixed. Things were looking bad after the WKD incident, but I think Ive turned it around with the snakebite. Frank: Snakebite? I havent had that since Uni. Anton: Oh hello Mr. Uni. Hello graduate! cleaning up sick going for you? Hows the

Frank sighs and goes back to cleaning the sick. Anton makes the drink with precise measurements, getting angry with himself if he messes i t up a bit. Anton: Fuck it, thatll do. If this doesnt work, Ill bust out the Slow Jamz a little earlier , and then the Promise Ring. By the way she loves the blazer and jeans look, she said only a certain type of man can pull it off and Im one of them. Frank: What, knobs?

Anton (Starts walking away): You missed a bit (Pointing at the floor where Frank is cleaning ). Frank (muttering): Prick. Anton walks over to Nicola with the snakebite. Anton: Here you go babe. Nicola: Can you stop calling me babe? Anton: Sure, anything for you , baNicola sips at the drink. Anton: Hows the snakebite then? Nicola: Its alright. Anton looks visibly disappointed again. Anton: I bought Slow Jamz today. Nicola: Really? You like RnB? Anton: Of course, Im all over that shit. Nicola: What songs does it have? Anton: Erm, Im not sure. Let me have a look . Anton walks to get the CD and sees a spillage. Anton: Frank, someone spilled their Strongbow. Sort it out. Frank (getting up from cleaning the sick ): You just called me a mug for cleaning up the sick because you told me to. Why would I clean this spillage up? Anton: Because you hate mess and I dont really give a shit. Frank sighs in immediate defeat. Anton grabs the CD and walks back to Nicola. Fran k gets another towel to clean up the spillage. Anton: Heres the CD. Some absolute bangers on there.

Nicola grabs the CD and starts scanning the back for songs she likes. Nicola: Ah sick. Bump n Grind by R-Kelly. greatest song of all time. Of all time. Anton: Yeah....sick. Nicola: I love this song. It reminds me of the fifth time I had sex. Anton: Great, how old were you? Nicola: 15...actually probably 14. Cant really remember, I just know the fifth time was the best. Anton: Oh great. Nicola: When did you lose your virginity then Anton? Anton: 12. Nicola: Really? Anton: Yeah, I technically got raped coz I had sex with a 16 year-old. She just couldnt resist my charisma. She said I was amazing. Nicola: Really? Anton: Yeah. I developed quickly. Thats the

Nicola: Oh ok. Anton: Anyway, do you want me to put on some Bump N Grind? Nicola: Yeah definitely. Anton: Maybe we can dance? Nicola: Yes we can dance. Anton: Together? Nicola: Maybe. Just put on the song and see what happens . Anton: Cool. Anton goes over to the ipod dock and turns it off. People nearby groan and grab at him.

Anton:

Fuck off, fuck off.

They continue to grab at him. Anton: Fuck off, mate, just fuck off.

Anton puts the Slow Jamz CD into the CD player and starts playing Bump n Grind by R.Kelly. He starts nodding his head, smiling, feeling the beat. He turns around to look for Nicola and collect his grind. He sees her, but Keith has already moved in on h er. She looks uncomfortable at first, but Keith starts whispering in her ear. Her eyes light up, and she starts grinding enthusiastically on him. Anton looks at Frank and mouths the words what the fuck? Frank shrugs his shoulder helplessly. Frank th en hears a glass smash behind him and hurries off looking concerned. Anton looks disgusted and grabs a nearby glass of beer. He picks out a couple of fag butts from it and then downs it purposefully.

Scene 10 Int. Frank is sweeping up the shattered glass and mopping up a spilt drink. Someone nearby is trying balance a bottle of beer on their nose, but isnt succeeding. Frank: Oi! If that falls on the floor then you can clear it up! Man: Shut up you nonce!

Frank: (mutters) Wanker. Man: Frank: You what mate? You what? Nothing!

Man: Ill fucking kick your ass out of this place mate. You dont disrespect me in my friends flat! Frank: Your friends flat?! Well thats funny because I live here and I dont know you. Youre just a skinny chav shithead to me! All that I ask is that you stop acting that a dickhead. Is that so hard to do? Man: Youre lucky, pal. I wont kick you out of your own place, just be careful yourself. Frank: Yeah, thanks.

Someone barges between Frank and the man and is sick in the corner of the room. Frank looks on in disgust. Frank: Fucking hell.

Betty approaches Frank from the side and taps him o n the shoulder. Betty: Frank: Betty: Frank: Hello, you ready for your surprise? Erm, yeah ok. Good. I spilled my drink in the bathroom. Oh, thats my surprise? Just come with me, Ill show

Betty: Im really sorry. you.

Betty leads Frank by the h and to the bathroom. are both inside she shuts and locks the door. Frank: Wheres the spillage then?

When they

Betty pushes Frank up against the wall and starts to kiss him passionately. The more passionate the kiss gets the more their hands fumble ar ound clumsily. As the kiss goes on even longer Frank starts to lift up Bettys shirt. She stops the kiss and pulls away. Betty: (smiling) Youll have to wait for that.

Betty flushes the toilet and then leaves the bathroom and re-joins the party. Frank: Youve got to be kidding.

Frank walks back out into the party looking bemused and annoyed. He sees Anton standing with his arms folded. He is glaring at Keith and Nicola. They are no longer grinding, now they are leaning in to each other very closely, whispering and giggling. She has her hands wrapped around his neck. Frank: Anton: You all right, mate? Fuck off! Anything I can do to help?

Frank: Whats wrong?

Anton: It doesnt matter mate. This party is shit, not even the Slow Jamz or s hirt worked. Frank: Maybe next time, eh? A scantily dressed girl (SDG) walks past Anton and Frank. Both start staring at her. Anton: Yeah, whatever. The SDG looks at both of them sta ring at her. SDG: What da fuck are you looking at?! Anton and Frank both look away. SDG: I said what da fuck are you two pricks looking at? Anton: Erm, I dont think you should take that tone with us. We, I mean, Im the host and my cousin is the Deputy. Frank: Deputy? Anton: You should be grateful Ive given you the deputy role. SDG: I dont care who you are, if you fucking look at me again Ill kill you. Frank: Shut up. Anton: Alright Frank. Let s just leave it, I dont like messing with women when theyre pissed off. Frank: No, who does she think she is? ! She comes to our flat party..... Anton: My flat party. Frank: Fine then your flat party, and speaks to us like pieces of shit. Yes, we were starring at you, but look at what youre wearing. What do you expect! You obviously want to get shagged tonight by some random scumbag, why else would you be wearing that piece of thread. SDG: Fuck off! I wear this coz it makes me feel good. Anyway I have a boyfriend. Frank: Hes a lucky bloke then isnt he going out with such a lovely young lady.

SDG: Prick! Her boyfriend enters from nearby, and it is the spitting man from earlier in the day. Spit: Is there a problem? SDG: Yes, these two pricks are giving me grief babe. Anton (laughing): Youre going out with him?! Spit: You? I knew I see you again soon! gon fuck you up. Anton: What with, your keys? my face? Spit: No, with my fist. Now Is really

Are you going to spit in

The whole party has gone quiet as everyone starts looking at Anton and Frank. Spit gets ready to hit Anton. From nowhere Keith jumps in and hits spit in the jaw, knocking him out. Anton (still laughing): Nice one Keith! Cheers mate. Keith grunts. Anton (standing over the boyfriend): Dont mess with me. (Turning his attention to the SCG ) When your boyfriend wakes up, tell him to fuck off. And you can put some clothes on, too. Nicola: Wow! Youre so strong and powerful Keith. Nicola grabs Keith and starts snogging him in front of Anton before walking into Antons room and shutting the door. Anton: Oh for fucks sake. Why didnt I think of that? Frank: Think of what? Anton: Hitting someone, that always turns on girls. Next time Im going to hit you. Frank: Erm, no. Anton: Youre so pissy Frank, just take one for the team for a change.

Frank: Im not piss..... A full bottle of red wine gets sent flying to the carpet, while nearly instantly afterwards several glasses smash, followed by a loud crash. Frank groans with frustration. Frank: Fuck this.

Frank heads to his bedroom and shuts the doo r.

Scene 11 Int. The flat. The morning after. Frank opens his bedroom door and nearly trips over Anton, who is asleep at the foot of the door. Frank: Anton: Frank: What are you doing down there? (waking up) Urgh.

Why are you sleeping outside your room?

Anton slowly wakes up, rubbing his eyes and trying to get the dryness out of his mouth. Frank: Anton: Frank: Well? I didnt want to disturb Nicola. What?

Anton: Shes in my room, I didnt want to disturb her so I just slept here. Frank: Anton: Why not just sleep on the sofa? Because this is where I passed out. Shouldnt you be in

Frank: Why is Nicola in your room? there with her? Anton: Shes with someone else.

Frank starts to laugh. Frank: No way. your bed? You let her sleep with anot her man in

Anton: I didnt have much choice. And anyway, if she sees Im a nice guy like that she might realise she loves me. Frank: Oh yeah, let her shag other men in your bed and sooner or later it will be your turn. Anton: Shut up. Im hanging. Frank: I dont need your bitchy comments now.

Who is she in there with?

Antons bedroom door opens and Nicola and Keith emerge. Keith ignores Frank and Anton. Nicola offers them a smile. Nicola: Frank: Morning, guys. Morning.

Nicola and Keith share another little whisper and a kiss, before Keith goes on his way. Nicola turns to Frank and Anton looking very proud of herself, visibly excited. Anton: What are you so happy about then?

Nicola: Well I dont like to brag, but I j ust shagged the manager of Crawley Town do you have any idea how many doors this opens for me! I can get to the whole team now! Frank: Did you sleep with him before you slept with Keith then? Nicola: Frank: Nicola: Whos Keith? The loser who just left our flat. Keith? Is he the manager of Crawley Town?

Frank: (laughing) Sadly not, no. Hes a permanently drunk loser who lives in these flats and spends his whole time in the pub. Lets just say he regularly wets himself in a drunken heap on the floor. In public. Nicola: Oh, thats rubbish. I thought I was in there.

Frank: Arent you more humiliated for having slept with an absolute degenerate? Hes social scum and looks hideous. And you had sex with him! Arent you disgusted.

Nicola pulls a thoughtful face. Nicola: A shags a shag, right?

Nicola starts to laugh. She looks at Anton, who recognises his cue and starts laughing too. Anton: Yeah, lighten up Frank, fucking hell. Anyway, I should be off, need to

Nicola: Thanks, babe. get some sleep.

Anton: You can just stay here if you want, we can have a snuggle in my bed if you want? Nicola: Ermno thanks. Ive made a bit of a mess on your bed sheets, I dont want to be sleeping in there really. Frank: Not Keiths sp-

Nicola: No! Not that Im just on the blob is all and it got a bit messy. Not even Keith wanted to go near it, so I had to tell him to man up and just get on with it. So yeah, you might want to strip those sheets babe. Im off, anyway. Catch you guys later. Anton: Bye.

Nicola leaves the flat. Frank: Surely you arent going to keep chasing that whore. Im literally lost for words. You didnt give her the promise ring did you? Anton finally stands up, unsteadily. Anton: didnt Shes not a whore, shes an ange l. And no, I

Anton heads towards his room. Frank: You are going to change your sheets arent you?

Anton stops in the doorway and looks at Frank in a hungover glaze. He stares at him for a while before turning once more and shutting the door. Frank: For fucks sake.

Frank looks around the now empty flat. It is an absolute tip. Bottles line nearly every surface, pizza boxes and remnants of other food lies on the floor, the armchair is lying on its side and there are several glasses scattered about filled to the brim with cigarette butts. Frank goes to a drawer in the kitchen and gets out a black bag and starts to air it out.

-Ends-