I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS EPISODE THREE

Written by Robert Stimpson & Jack Melling

Episode Three - The Date

SCENE 1

INT. AN OFFICE FRANK IS AT HIS DESK IN HIS NEW JOB. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY BORED ALREADY AND OCCASIONALLY GLANCES AROUND TO SEE IF ANYTHING FUN IS GOING ON. IT'S NOT, SO HE JUST GETS BACK TO WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER WITH A SIGH.

SCENE 2 INT. OFFICE CANTEEN/LUNCH AREA. FRANK IS SAT ON HIS OWN, WITH A LUNCHBOX AND DRINK IN FRONT OF HIM. HE IS READING THE GUARDIAN NEWSPAPER. HE SITS CONTENTEDLY FOR A WHILE. THEN STU ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND. HE SPOTS FRANK AND BOPS OVER.

Stu: Aight playa, why you chillin' on your own?

Frank: Because I don't really know anyone in the room. And because I just want to eat my lunch and read the paper. Do you even work here?

Stu: Yeah bruv, I work in da post room innit. How else d'you tink you get your mail?

Frank:

Oh right. (MORE)

2. (CONT'D)

Stu: What you readin'?

Frank: The Guardian.

Stu: Never heard of it! read The Sun?

Don't you

Frank: No I try and avoid it if possible. Didn't you know if you look at The Sun it burns your eyes out?

FRANK smirks at his own joke.

STU sits blank faced.

Stu:

Was dat a joke, or - ?

Frank:

Don't worry about it.

Stu: No wonder you're sittin' on you own fool! Show us page 3, then.

(MORE)

3. (CONT'D)

Frank: Ok.

FRANK holds up page 3 of The Guardian.

Stu: What da fuck is dat? That's just news stories! Where's da tits?

Frank: There are no page 3 girls in The Guardian. They don't have tits in here, unless they have a story about David Cameron or Nick Clegg.

Stu: David who?

Frank: The Prime Minister. literally runs the country. can you not know who he is?

He How

Stu: You don't know need no politics when you're in da ghetto.

Frank: There isn't actually a ghetto in Crawley. Were just lower middle class, thats hardly a ghetto. Unless ghettos are cool or something now?

(MORE)

4. (CONT'D) Stu: Are you actually from Crawley den bruv? What's your name?

Frank:

I'm Frank.

And you?

Stu: Safe. (adopting a rap-staresque singing voice) My name is Stu, S-T-U, nice to meet you. (Return to normal voice) Before any haters chat breeze about me, I'm a rapper, I'm in a crew and everyting.

Frank: (Sarcastically) Ok, well you're officially the first rapper I've met, and thanks for making it so clear how to spell Stu.

Stu: It's only three letters cuz, it's not hard! I tink dat Guardian's melting your brain.

FRANK nods his head politely, and grabs his lunchbox. looks on in disbelief.

STU

Stu: What are you playin' at?

Frank: I'm eating my lunch.

(MORE)

5. (CONT'D)

Stu: Yeah but you've got a packed lunch. You've got a gay little lunchbox and everyting.

Frank: What exactly makes a packed lunch in a lunchbox gay?

Stu: Bruv, it's like you're twelve years old or some'in'. You should be going to the pub for some munch not sitting on your own reading a newspaper wit no tits and eating a homemade sandwich.

Frank:

Munch?

Stu: Jeez fool, you are literally the uncoolest person I've ever met. It's alright tho, I'm gonna take you under my wing. You'll be safe in no time.

Frank: Well thanks for the offer, but I don't really think you can teach me anything new.

Stu: Dat's not what your mum said last night.

Frank:

My mum's dead. (MORE)

6. (CONT'D)

Stu: Oh shit, sorry playa. Damn. I didn't know, you can't hate on me for dat. How was I supposed to know. Just banter gone wrong bruv.

Frank: it.

It's OK, don't worry about

FRANK presumes this is the end of the conversation and gets back to reading and eating. But STU doesn't leave.

Stu: Shit man. How did she die? Was it a drive-by?

Frank: No. drive-by?

Who's going to do a

Stu: A rival gang. What about a drugs deal gone wrong?

Frank:

No.

Stu:

Was it the feds?

(MORE)

7. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Who are the feds?

Stu:

The police.

Frank: But why do you call them the feds?

Stu: (shrugs) It's cool, don't question da streets.

Frank:

Look -

Stu:

Rabies?

Frank: Look, I don't want to talk about it, can you just leave me alone please?

Stu: like come give need

Look bruv, I ain't leavin dis dis. How about tomorrow you and meet da crew and we'll you a night out. You won't to bring any dollar.

(MORE)

8.

Frank:

(CONT'D) No, seriously, it's fine.

Stu: Frank, I ain't lettin' dis one fly. If you don't come to us, we'll come and find you.

Frank:

I'll think about it.

Stu: Safe bruv. Right, I'm gonna go on a break now, so I'll catch you lates.

Frank: break?

Aren't you already on a

Stu: Nah cuz, I just do what I want, when I want, I run this show. Unless you want some weed? I'm going for a smoke in my car.

Frank:

Erm - no, I'm fine thanks.

Stu: Safe, well if you ever need some solid, just let me know.

STU exits. FRANK watches him leave, not quite sure what has just happened.

9.

SCENE 3 EXT. ANTON IS WAITING OUTSIDE FRANK'S OFFICE. THE BUILDING AND WALKS OVER TO ANTON. FRANK EXITS

Frank:

All right.

Anton: Jesus, Frank, you've got some amazing pussybant in that building.

Frank: Yeah it's quite good, I guess. The place needs to have some perks.

Anton: So you still haven't taken a shine to it, then?

Frank: Not really, it's all right. I'm not going to say it's a mistake already, but it's not something I can see myself enjoying for very long.

(MORE)

10. (CONT'D) Anton: Fuckin' hell Frank - last week it was all 'ooohh I don't have a job, I'm unemployed and dipressed, I just sit around wanking 5 times a day' and now it's 'ooohh I've got a job but I hate it, I don't want to do it anymore I miss wanking 5 times a day.' Jesus Frank, grow a pair of balls, you're actually an adult now. No one enjoys work you moron, but you just get on with it.

Frank:

Understanding as always.

BETTY exits the building and FRANK gives her a lingering look. ANTON sees this. BETTY stops to light a cigarette.

Anton: Isn't that the girl who was teasing you at the party?

Frank:

Yeah, that's Betty.

Anton:

Have you tapped that yet?

Frank: No, I've barely even talked to her.

Anton: Why, you work in the same building?

(MORE)

11. (CONT'D)

Frank: Well the right moment hasn't come along yet.

Anton: Jesus Christ, Frank, it's not about waiting for the right moment, it's about grabbing the right moment an wrestling it to the floor.

Frank: I'm not going to grab anything, I just prefer to be subtle and patient. It will make it more special.

Anton: I knew a man who took the patient approach, and do you know what happened to him? He died. He died of loneliness.

Frank: I don't think it's possible to die of loneliness.

Anton: Oh it is. It's possible. Anything's possible. Ask anyone.

Frank: Well, let's just agree to disagree on that one.

Anton:

Do you want to die then?

(MORE)

12. (CONT'D)

Frank: Don't be stupid, that's ridiculous. Now let's go.

Anton: If we go, then you will die. Do you want to die? Do you? (Starts raising his voice) Do you want to die? Do you? DIE?!

ANTON starts to push FRANK away from him and in BETTY's direction.

Frank: All right, all right, I'll go and talk to her.

FRANK walks over to BETTY. FRANK coughs and waves his hand as he approaches BETTY's cigarette smoke.

Betty:

Hello stranger.

Frank:

Hiya, how you doing?

Betty:

I'm good thanks, and you?

(MORE)

13. (CONT'D)

Frank: Not too bad, can't complain.

Betty: Haven't seen much of you around this week. I thought you were avoiding me or something.

Frank: No, it's not that at all. It's just been a bit of a manic first week.

Betty:

Sounds familiar.

Frank: Look, I was just wondering, are you upto much this weekend?

Betty: Not really, Im probably just gonna go out on the smash with my girlies.

Frank: Oh, sounds nice. I was thinking, though, if you weren't too busy, maybe we could meet up at some point?

Betty: Oh right, sure, why not? thought you were never going to ask. (MORE)

14. (CONT'D)

Frank: Well, you know how it is. How about tomorrow night?

Betty: Yeah sounds good to me, I'm sure the girlies will survive without me for one week.

Frank: Cool, sounds great. Well I'll talk to you tomorrow, and we'll sort out times and that then. I've got to go now though, my cousins waiting.

Betty: Sounds good to me. Just let me know. See you later babes.

FRANK walks back over to ANTON and gives him a thumbs up.

Frank: Were meeting up tomorrow. Although she does say girlies quite a lot, which isnt ideal.

Anton:

I don't care.

SCENE 4

15.

EXT.

RESIDENTIAL AREA.

FRANK AND ANTON ARE WALKING HOME.

Frank: So are you seeing Nicola this weekend?

Anton: Oh all right Frank, just because you've got a date now you don't have to start rubbing it in my face!

Frank: What the hell are you on about? I just wanted to know if you planned to propose to her this weekend?

Anton: Well firstly, it's not proposing, it's just giving her a promise ring so that she will be exclusively mine forever, and secondly, no, not this weekend, she's going to an N*Dubz concert tonight in Brighton, which rules out plans tomorrow because she doesnt know whose bed shes going to wake up in yet.

Frank: Are you still definitely going to do it? Aren't you having any second thoughts?

Anton: Why would I be having second thoughts? She's the love of my life.
(MORE)

16. (CONT'D)

Frank: I think she's the love of quite a few men's lives.

Anton: Could you please keep your ignorant opinions about Nicola to yourself.

Frank: Ok, I'm sorry, but I just don't want you to make a fool of yourself. I'm just looking out for you. I mean, she slept with Keith last weekend. Keith.

Anton: She just thinks that everyone is as honest as she is. It's not her fault that the world is full of lies.

Frank: Either that or she had a sudden promise of money and sleeping with famous people that she just couldn't help herself.

Anton: If you carry on with this tone, I'm not going to invite you to our wedding.

FRANK and ANTON have reached an outdoor basketball court. STU is playing basketball on his own, and is missing every shot. FRANK sees him and tries to get ANTON to hurry off with him.

17.

Anton: Have you run out smart arse comebacks now then?

Frank: No, no, let's just get a move on.

Anton:

What's the rush?

STU looks up and sees FRANK.

Stu:

(shouting)

Frank blud!

FRANK ignores STU.

ANTON looks at STU.

Stu:

(shouting)

Frank!

FRANK continues to ignore STU, looking in the opposite direction.

18.

Anton: Why is that chav loner shouting out your name?

Frank:

He isn't.

STU starts running over shouting FRANK's name.

Anton: Well I may be mistaken, but he's now running in your direction shouting your name.

Frank: Shit. Listen, I may have mentioned to him that my mum is dead -

Anton:

But auntie Jean isn't dead.

Frank: Yeah I know, I said it to make him go away, and I've somehow managed to get an invite for free drinks tomorrow night out of it.

Anton: (angered) What?

But I -

STU joins FRANK and ANTON, basketball in hand.

19.

Stu: Frank blud, what's kickin'? Couldn't you hear me?

Frank: Oh hi Stu. anything, sorry.

I didn't hear

Anton: (to FRANK, looking at STU) So you know this loser then?

Stu: Easy blud, who you callin' a loser.

Anton: The guy playing basketball on his own, that's who. Why are you playing basketball anyway? You're not in the south side of LA, play football for God sake!

Stu: Well dere's no footballers involved in da rap scene. Football and rap don't go.

Frank:

What about Rio Ferdinand?

STU just pulls a grimacing face of disapproval.

20.

Stu: So Frank, we still meetin' up tomorrow yeah?

ANTON starts smiling.

Anton: date?

Are you two going on a

Frank: No, I just work with him, and he's trying to be friendly, kind of.

Stu: So what time you coming over? I need to tell da rest of da crew.

Anton: Crew? You mean there's more like you?

Stu: Yeah bruv, I'm in a crew well, it's more of a rap group.

Anton: You're a rapper? you're in a band?

And

Stu:

Yeah blud, we's sick. (MORE)

21. (CONT'D) We're poppin' off some grimey underground shit. The labels are all over it, but we don't wana sell out like So Solid did. Not yet, anyway.

Anton: They didn't sell out, they just all went to jail!

Stu: Look cuz, we could talk the ins and outs of the British urban scene for hours -

Anton: (matter-of-fact) I know more than you. I could have been a rapper if I wanted to.

Stu: Whatever. Frank, what time you comin' over tomorrow?

Frank:

Let's just say four.

Stu: it!

Safe bruv, you won't regret

Anton: I'm coming too, I'm invited too, yeah?

(MORE)

22. (CONT'D)

Stu:

No.

Anton: Oi you little hood rat, that was my aunt you were talking about too, so I'm angry with you as well!

Stu: Ok, ok, you can come too. But if you start chattin' bear shit about bein' a rapper again in front of the crew, you're gonna have to prove yourself.

Anton:

(unsure)

Yep, fine.

Stu: Safe den boys. See you at four. I'll facebook you the deets. Private message, though, don't want the feds getting a sniff. Now watch this.

STU runs off back towards the basketball court.

Anton:

What are the feds?

Frank:

Don't ask.

23.

STU attempts a slam dunk, but fails miserably and lands on his arse. ANTON bursts out laughing.

Anton: Nice try, Lebron! (To FRANK) Why do you have a habit of attracting morons? Come on, let's bounce.

FRANK looks at ANTON walking away. ANTON goes to kick a stone on the floor but stubs his toe instead.

Frank:

I have no idea.

SCENE 5 INT. ANTON'S FLAT. SATURDAY MORNING. FRANK WALKS INTO LIVING ROOM. ANTON IS SITTING DOWN ON THE SOFA EATING A OF CEREAL. FRANK HEADS TO THE FRIDGE TO POUR SOME MILK HIS CEREAL. THERE IS ONLY THE SMALLEST DRIBBLE LEFT IN BOTTLE. THE BOWL INTO THE

Frank: You've finished all the milk again?

Anton:

Yes.

(MORE)

24. (CONT'D) Frank: What?! I only bought this yesterday, and I haven't even had any yet.

Anton: Finders keepers. So you're getting some milk then, yeah?

Frank: No.

Anton: (getting out of his chair) What?! You're breaking the agreement!

Frank: What agreement? We don't have a contract for milk.

Anton: Yes, we do; it's called 'it's my fucking flat so if you finish the milk you buy some more.'

Frank: Well you finished it, so you buy some.

Anton: I think you'll find you finished it. What's that tiny wet stain on the top of your coco pops?

Frank:

Well, it's milk, but (MORE)

25. (CONT'D)

Anton: You finished it, then. Go and buy some more if you want some.

Frank: I'm not getting the milk. Let's just change it to you buy what you need, I'll buy what I need. Everyone's happy that way.

Anton: Well how would you be able to tell which one is yours? I could just pretend it's all mine.

Frank: We can get sticky labels and write our names on the bottles we buy.

Anton: Sticky labels? How old are you Frank?

Name tags?

Frank: It's just the sensible option.

Anton: And how will a sticker with your name on it stop me from drinking your milk? You'll need a padlock on it to stop me.

(MORE)

26. (CONT'D) Frank: Fine then, I'll put it in the mini fridge in my room.

Anton: Then I'll just go into your room and get it.

Frank: door.

Not if I get a lock for my

Anton: How can you put a lock on your door when I kick you out and make you homeless?

Frank: Well if you just shared the milk in the first place then none of this would be necessary.

Anton: Maybe if you trusted me with your precious milk then I wouldn't be pushed to such extremes. You really do bring out the worst in me, Frank.

ANTON sits back down again.

Frank: How can I trust a man who used to fancy my sister...your cousin!!

Anton: Everyone fancies their cousins at some point! (MORE)

27. (CONT'D) Right then, fine, we're not rotating buying toilet roll.

Frank: Why not? We both need toilet roll.

Anton: But you use it more than me.

Frank: How?!

Anton: Ok, you go for a shit in the morning, and then one in the evening. That's twice a day - it's like clockwork.

Frank: How do you know my routine? And how can you say I use the toilet roll more than you? Don't you poo?

Anton: Yes, but hardly ever in the house, only at work.

Frank: OK then, but you use it for other things!

Anton:

Like what?
(MORE)

28. (CONT'D)

Frank:

You know -

FRANK looks down at his crotch and meekly mimics a masturbatory motion.

Anton: Oh right, well yeah of course I do, about 3 to 4 times a day. But that's standard.

Frank: 3 to 4 times a day?!

Anton: I'm a sexual being Frank, unlike you. I guess someone as clean and fussy as you would never think of touching themselves?

Frank: It depends how I'm feeling.

Anton: Gay.

Frank: So 3 to 4 times a day? You must use plenty of toilet roll for that; I think it's cancels out my consistent bowel movements.

(MORE)

29. (CONT'D)

Anton: (matter of fact tone) No it doesn't.

Frank: Why not?

Anton: I recycle what I use.

Frank: (concerned) What does that mean?

Anton: Well, I do my business over the toilet paper, then use that same bit of toilet paper again next time if it's still around - it doesn't always make it to the bin. It's called being environmentally conscious.

Frank: That's horrific.

Anton: Frank, being concerned about the environment is not horrific.

Frank: No, what you just admitted to is disgusting, it's got nothing to do with the environment.

(MORE)

30. (CONT'D)

Anton: Shut up Frank. I'm stopping global warming, what are you doing?

Frank: How is that stopping global warming? I thought the answer was to stop carbon emissions, but no, according to you, all we need to do is recycle our wank tissues.

Anton: Stop being a snob Frank.

Frank: (disgusted) I'm not being a snob. If you're genuinely concerned about the environment then fine, but you're not. The only reason you recycle is because you're too lazy to throw them away. How can you live like that? Doesn't the smell make you ashamed? What about when people spontaneously visit? What if they see them? Or smell them?

Anton: (casual) If someone comes round I pretend I was using them to wipe the kitchen surfaces and coffee table.

Frank: (sheer disgust) Pretend? You don't actually do it, do you?

Anton: Well, I have to make it look realistic. I've done it loads of times, even on the day you moved in. (MORE)

31. (CONT'D)

Frank: (horrified) That's fucking disgusting. So every surface in this flat has your spunk spread everywhere?

Anton: Stop being a clean freak, Frank. It would've dried by the time I wipe the surfaces.

Frank: But it's still YOUR - fluid! It's disgusting!

ANTON shrugs his shoulders.

Frank: I can't believe you don't think there's something a little bit wrong about wiping the surfaces with old wank tissues.

Anton: I'm saving the environment Frank. Open your mind.

Frank: You clean wipe all the surfaces with soiled toilet paper. Let's not get away from that!

(MORE)

32. (CONT'D) Anton: It's not soiled. I don't use shat-on toilet paper to wipe the surfaces.

Frank: Because that would be crazy, but wiping the surfaces with spunked-on toilet roll is perfectly acceptable.

Anton: What is this Frank? I can't believe you're giving me grief in my own flat -

Frank: I'm raising a valid point not giving you -

Anton: Are we still going to Stu's at four yeah?

FRANK sighs at the dramatic change of subject, and thus his defeat.

Frank: Yes, then I'm going straight out on my date with Betty afterwards.

ANTON gets up and walks towards his room.

Anton:

Stop showing off, Frank.

33.

SCENE 6

EXT. FRANK AND ANTON ARRIVE AT STU'S HOUSE. THE DOOR AND STU ANSWERS.

THEY KNOCK ON

Stu:

Aight playas, come on in.

FRANK and ANTON enter. They motion to walk into the hall, but STU opens a door that leads to the garage.

Stu: way.

Come through here, it's this

Anton: But the rest of your house is through there.

Stu: Yeah I know blud, but we're in the garage.

Frank:

Why are you in the garage?

(MORE)

34. (CONT'D)

Stu:

Why not?

SCENE 7

INT. STU LEADS FRANK AND ANTON INTO HIS GARAGE. DJ MALFUNCTION, 69 AND LUBE ARE SITTING AROUND DRINKING FROM BEER CANS.

Stu: Fellas, dis is Frank and Anton.

The three boys give mumbled greetings.

Stu: Frank's my best mate at work, and Anton is his cousin.

Anton: mates!

(laughing at FRANK) Best

Frank: So, I hear you guys are a rap band? Is it rap band? Or collective? Or rap crew? Group?

DJ M: bruv.

We go beyond dose labels, We're just some'in' else. (MORE)

35. (CONT'D) Ain't no one seen nuthin' like us.

Anton: (pointing at DJ Malfunction) Who's this guy?

Stu:

This is DJ Malfunction.

Anton:

Shit name.

But why?

DJ M: Because when I lay my beats, I make people (starts shaking) mmmmaaaalllllffuuuunnccctiiiooonnn!

Anton:

Have you got Parkinson's?

DJ M:

No.

Anton: And how can you make a person malfunction? Only robots can malfunction.

DJ M:

Bruv -

(MORE)

36. (CONT'D) Anton: (pointing at 69) this guy?

Who's

Stu:

That's 69.

Frank:

Subtle.

Anton:

69?

Seriously?

69:

Yeah cuz, I'm da 69 king.

Anton: But look at you, surely you haven't even had sex!

Stu:

Nah blud, 69 is a ladies man.

Anton: Well whoever started that rumour is a liar.

69: It was me.

Anton: Well what a coincidence. I might start up a rumour that I've got a pet griffin that I fly around at night on killing dragons, and then expect everyone to believe it. What sort of woman would have sex with you anyway? (MORE)

37. (CONT'D)

69: All of 'em, dey love dis bad boy shit.

Anton:

Urgh.

Who's this last one?

Stu:

Dats Lube.

Anton:

Lube?

Lube: Yeah pal, my name's Lucas Bennett. First two letters of my first name, first two letters of my surname - Lube. Proper sexual stuff, man.

Anton: You realise you're named after something that people use when either they can't get a girl wet or when they're about to get bummed. That doesn't sound very sexual to me! So come on then, what's the band name? The Featherlite Four? The Rapping Rimmers? The Four Pussies?

Stu:

We're called White Chocolate.

Frank:

I'm sorry?

(MORE)

38. (CONT'D)

Stu:

White Chocolate.

Anton:

But why?

Stu: Because we're as smooth as white chocolate, and becau -

STU stretches out his arm to make some kind of rap pose but he knocks over a beer can. He hurriedly picks it up.

Frank:

Yeah, Stu, smooth.

Anton:

God, I hate rap.

SCENE 8

INT. STILL IN STU'S GARAGE. FROM BEER CANS.

EVERYONE IS SAT DOWN DRINKING

Anton: What are you talking about Malwanktion?! The Broadfield crew would batter the Marmite crew in a rap battle. No doubt! (MORE)

39. (CONT'D) You have no idea what you're on about, I've been part of this scene for years.

DJ Malfunction: You don't know what you're talkin bout, pal. You're outta your depth!

Stu: Oi guys, calm down. They're both pony. We've battered them in battles.

Anton: Well you should have battered them, and easily. The Crawley rap scene is so weak now, it's not like in my day.

DJ M: You keep saying you're in da scene, but I don't see nuttin to back this up.

Stu: Playa reckons he could have been a rapper.

All of White Chocolate laugh.

Anton: time.

I am a rapper.

Just part

(MORE)

40. (CONT'D) Frank: I've literally never heard you rap, or even listen to rap. You don't even wrap your own Christmas presents.

Anton: That's shit, Frank, unsurprisingly. Right, check this -

ANTON stands up and turns his back on everyone. He starts jumping around, getting in the zone. Finally he turns.

Anton: Yo yo yo, my name is Anton, look at that girl there, I can see her thong, my cousin over there, he tries to get strong, but his dick is tiny, and mine is loooooooooooong. BRRRRRRRRAAAAAAPPPP!

Stu: Ah bruv, dat was sick. You is definitely in the crew.

All of Stu's crew start shouting 'BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP' gesturing gun symbols with their hands.

Anton: Yes, in your face Frank!

(MORE)

41. (CONT'D) Frank: Why are you getting angry with me?

Anton: Because you always try to put me down. You never believed in me! Well look at me now!

Frank:

Fine, congratulations.

FRANK looks at his watch.

Anton: Is it time for your gay little date yet?

Stu: You goin' on a date bruv? Sick, anyone I know?

Frank:

Nope.

Anton:

It's Betty from your work.

STU starts laughing excitedly.

42.

Frank:

What's so funny?

Stu: Blud, she's a bi-sexual! likes meat and fish.

She

ANTON starts laughing.

Stu: It's good though, it means she's definitely a goer, you might even get laid tonight. I've seen her getting off with girls with my own eyes. I tried to join in but she punched me in the stomach. Must be a bit of an eye-opener though, eh? Imagine being in a club with her as your girlfriend everyone in there is a potential love rival! EVERYONE!

Frank: Well that's this date ruined already.

Anton: What? is amazing!

Are you crazy?

This

Frank:

How?

Anton: You can get her to snog loads of random fit girls for you.
(MORE)

43. (CONT'D)

Frank: This isn't a porno, it's a date to the cinema.

Anton: How imaginative, the cinema! God, imagine how on edge you're going to be in the dark; if anyone sits next to her - literally anyone - then she could start rubbing their leg and you would know nothing about it.

Frank:

Shut up.

FRANK stands up and straightens his clothes out. his pockets for phone, keys, wallet.

He checks

Anton: And when she the toilet she could in the ladies toilet woman. Or a man, of

pops off to be having sex - with another course.

Frank: She's a bisexual, not a nymphomaniac.

Anton: One and the same. That's how bisexuals got invented, horny women wanting so much sex that they wore out their boyfriends and turned to women for the short term.

(MORE)

44. (CONT'D) Frank: And what about male bisexuals?

Anton: (disdainfully) There's no such thing.

Frank: Right, well, thankfully it's time for me to go.

FRANK heads for the door.

Anton: Setting out an hour early are we? Gonna get there half an hour before you're supposed to? Again.

Frank:

Don't wait up.

Anton: Remember, don't mention the fact that you're poor and can't drive.

Frank: Well I wasn't planning on mentioning my bank balance on a first date, I'm not a city boy.

(MORE)

45. (CONT'D) Anton: Look, I know this from experience; you are at the age now where you want to chase younger girls, but they won't be impressed by some loser with no money and who can't drive. They want glamour, swagger and wonga; and that ain't you!

Frank: Thanks for pointing out how unappealing I am to women just before my first date in months.

Anton: I'm just warning you. You've gone past the age where you can impress women on nights out by downing three consecutive Reefs or by telling them how far you can throw a tennis ball. Those days are gone, but you haven't changed.

Frank: (intrigued) How far can you throw a tennis ball?

SCENE 9

EXT. OUTSIDE STUS HOUSE. ANTON TAKES A SMALL RUN UP AND THROWS A TENNIS BALL AS FAR AS HE CAN. BOTH FRANK AND ANTON WATCH TO SEE WHERE IT LANDS. ANTON LOOKS DISAPPOINTED AND FEIGNS AN INJURY IN HIS SHOULDER.

Anton:

Didn't warm up properly.

(MORE)

46. (CONT'D)

FRANK starts to walk away to go to his date.

Frank: I could have thrown it further. A girl could have thrown it further.

Anton: Girls can't throw you idiot, everyone knows that! The only thing girls can throw is away their virginity!

Frank: then?

Are you going back home now

Anton: No, I think I'll just stay here and get smashed with these guys.

Frank: Seriously? hated them all?

I thought you

Anton: Nah, they're all right really.

Frank: night.

Ok, well, have a good

Anton:

Oh shut up, Frank.

47.

FRANK and ANTON go their separate ways.

SCENE 10

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CINEMA. FRANK IS WAITING, CLEARLY AGITATED. HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

Frank: (annoyed) Come on -

He looks at his watch again. He paces around a bit and kicks gently at a bollard nearby. He looks at his watch again. He sighs with frustration.

Betty:

Frank!

Hi!

FRANK sees BETTY and perks up slightly. him and they exchange an awkward hug.

She walks up beside

Frank:

How you doing, then?

Betty:

Good thanks, and yourself?

(MORE)

48. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Can't complain.

Betty: How long have you been waiting here?

Frank:

About fifteen minutes.

Betty: Why did you get here so early? The show is only just starting.

Frank: Well - no, it's fine. Let's just go in shall we?

Betty:

No, come on, what is it?

Frank: It's just, well, I just like to be able to get a good seat. I like sitting in the middle, because sitting at the side or at the front is pointless. And I like to be in my seat before the lights go down. I like seeing the trailers too.

Betty: Frank, that's fine. Next time I'll just get here a bit earlier.

(MORE)

49. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Yeah, next time.

They both enter the cinema through the automatic doors.

SCENE 11 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CINEMA. A CAPTION SAYING 'HALF AN HOUR LATER' SHOWS ON SCREEN. BETTY AND FRANK EXIT THE CINEMA. THEY BOTH LOOK ANNOYED WITH EACH OTHER AND WALK QUITE A DISTANCE APART.

Betty: I can't believe you didn't defend me. That was so out of order, Frank.

Frank: But you were just yammering away in your normal voice during the film. How can I defend that?

Betty: I just wanted to talk to you, you're supposed to talk to each other on a date.

Frank: Then why did you say yes to the cinema then?

(MORE)

50. (CONT'D) Betty: Because I just wanted to do anything with you.

Frank: Well we could have just gone for a drink instead, then we could have chatted away to our hearts content. But no, instead you felt the need to ask me if I watched 24 and then proceeded to give me a series by series breakdown while everyone else in the cinema was telling you to shut up.

Betty: Well I expect a real man to defend any woman who is being told to shut up.

Frank: Well not when they're stupid enough to talk in the cinema during a film!

Betty: now?

Oh great, so I'm stupid

Frank: No, but if you talk in the cinema then what do you expect?

BETTY sighs, and FRANK starts to realise everything is falling apart rapidly.

Frank: drink.

Look, let's just go for a

(MORE)

51. (CONT'D) We can have a proper chat then. Yeah?

Betty:

Yeah, ok then.

They both start to walk away, a little closer now.

Betty: I can't believe how much that guy looked like Kevin Spacey.

Frank: (sighing) It was Kevin Spacey.

Betty: (excitedly) Oh my god!

SCENE 12

INT.

FRANK AND BETTY ENTER A BAR.

Betty: Right, here's the place I was talking about, looks nice, right?

(MORE)

52. (CONT'D)

Frank: Isn't this a cocktail bar?

Betty: Yes, but it's really nice. The mojitos are lovely.

Frank: A mojito?

Betty: Yes, a mojito? You never tried one?

Frank: Can't say I have.

Betty: Oh my god, you've never tried a mojito Frank! You must like some other cocktails though?

Frank: Vodka and coke, vodka and lemonade, maybe vodka and orange. Do they count as cocktails?

Betty: No Frank. You really don't know what you're missing out on.

Frank: I would be missing out on a drink that I actually want to drink. (MORE)

53. (CONT'D)

Betty: Come on let's go to the bar. You can get me a drink can't you?

Frank: I can?

Betty: Yes, if it's a proper date then you have to pay for drinks, Frankie. Here's the menu. Mine's a mojito.

Frank: (Looking at the menu) It seems to be nearly 6.

Betty: Yeah.

Frank: Right. Ok.

Betty: Great I'll find some seats.

FRANK walks over to the bar. He joins the back of the queue. The barmen are taking orders, before going through a routine of mixing the cocktails, throwing and twisting around cocktail shakers and glasses. FRANK is watching this performance, nonplussed. He turns to the man standing next to him.

54.

Frank: but no they? effort rather

It's all very impressive, one's getting served are Why don't they just put more into serving the customers than showing off?

Man: It's just all showmanship isn't it? You get what you pay for.

Frank: So can I knock a couple of pounds off the price of my drink if I ask them to just make it without a fuss? I want a drink, not a juggling show. That's what the circus is for.

Man:

Go somewhere else then.

Frank:

I would if I could.

The MAN moves in front of FRANK and gets to the bar. FRANK admits defeat, he can't be bothered to kick up a fuss. Finally, though, he gets to the bar and makes an order.

Frank: Hi mate, I'll have a mojito and a bottle of beer please. (MORE)

55. (CONT'D) And don't do all this twisting and throwing stuff, just get the drinks.

BARMAN starts laughing.

Frank: Sorry, is there a problem?

Barman: You haven't been here before have you, mate?

Frank: (Looking annoyed) Can't say I have. (Muttering) And don't think I will be again.

Barman: What was that mate?

Frank: Can't say that I have, no.

Barman: Could tell you haven't! We don't sell beer, just cocktails.

Frank: Vodka and coke then. the mojito.

And

(MORE)

56. (CONT'D) Barman: (laughing) That's not a cocktail mate. Anyone could do that.

Frank: Fine then I'll have two mojitos.

Barman: Coming right up big man.

BARMAN spins some glasses around, before throwing a cocktail mixer up and down, all the while looking at FRANK, throwing in the occasional wink.

Frank: Brilliant, mate. Fucking amazing. I'm still very thirsty, though, so can you hurry up.

Barman: Bet you never seen this before at any of the other pubs you go to. You impressed?

Frank: (muttering under his breath) Yeah, I'm fucking wet.

Barman: Sorry, what was that mate?

(MORE)

57. (CONT'D) Frank: I said yes, I am very impressed.

The BARMAN pours the two drinks out and pushes them in FRANK's direction.

Barman:

That's 12 please pal.

Frank: I knew that was coming, but I'm still disgusted.

Barman: You're paying for the quality.

Frank: I'm trying to pay for sex, and it's a lot more expensive than it should be.

FRANK takes the drinks back to BETTY.

Frank: Here we go then.

(MORE)

58. (CONT'D) Betty: Ohhh, I see you got the mojito. Good choice!

Frank: I didn't really have much choice.

Betty: What?!

Frank: Doesn't matter.

SCENE 13

INT. FRANK AND BETTY ARE SAT AT A TABLE IN THE PUB. HAVE A DRINK EACH.

THEY

Betty: So Frankie, what sort of things are important in your life? You're a bit mysterious, babe, I can't quite pin down what sort of guy you are.

Frank: Mysterious? Really? I thought it was just called boring.

Betty: Well, it could still be called boring, it depends how you answer.
(MORE)

59. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Ok, well I love my films -

Betty: Ooohh films yeah - what's your favourite films?

Frank: Well, Im a massive fan of Hitchcock and Scorsese, and Tarantino obviously. I like the occasional Kubrick -

Betty:

What's a Kubrick?

Frank: Stanley Kubrick. director.

He's a

Betty:

He sounds old.

Frank: Well what about you? sort of films do you like?

What

Betty: Well the Sex and the City films genuinely changed my life, so good, so cute. I'm a huge Jennifer Lopez fan so I love the classics like Maid In Manhattan and The Wedding Planner. But I still think that the greatest film of all time is P.S. I Love You. So cute.

60.

FRANK smiles politely.

CUT SHOT FROM ONE CONVERSATION TO ANOTHER.

Frank: Well music has played a huge part in my life too -

Betty: Ooohh yeah, music! sort of music do you like?

What

Frank: Well my main ones are The Beatles, obviously, and The Smiths, Bob Dylan, The Jam, The Specials, The Clash, The Stones -

Betty: Oh I've got a Rolling Stones T-Shirt, it's so cute!

Frank: So you're a fan then? What's your favourite Stones song?

Betty: Oh I don't know any of their songs, it's just a cute shirt, it's got little sparkly bits on it. I'm more a fan of the classics like Neyo, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Taio Cruz, JLS, Jedward, David Guetta and some old school Jennifer Lopez.

61.

FRANK smiles politely.

CUT SHOT FROM ONE CONVERSATION TO ANOTHER.

Betty: So what's your favourite TV shows then?

Frank: Well I don't really watch TV as such, I just the odd boxset. Stuff like Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Peep Show, The Sopranos, Arrested Development, The Office -

Betty: Frank, I've never heard of any of those shows!

Frank: Well, they aren't really on TV anymore, but they're so much better than what's on these days.

Betty: Well, yeah, TV isn't great, but I do like The Only Way Is Essex, Jersey Shore, I'm a Celeb, The Apprentice, Eastenders, Corrie, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, 16 and Pregnant, The Cube, X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, American Idol, Friends -

62.

CUT SHOT FROM ONE CONVERSATION TO ANOTHER.

Frank: read?

What about books?

Do you

Betty:

Nah. You?

Frank:

Yeah.

FRANK and BETTY look utterly bored at the anti-climactic date. They just smile helplessly at each other. FRANK looks around, and then behind him. texting on her phone. BETTY is now

Frank:

Shall we - ?

Betty: best.

Yeah, probably for the

SCENE 14

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BAR. FRANK AND BETTY WALK ALONG THE STREET SEVERAL YARDS APART.

(MORE)

63. (CONT'D) Frank (turning to BETTY, looking confused): So you want to come round mine then?

Betty: Erm - no I think I'll just go home.

Frank: Ok, that's fine. you later then?

So, see

Betty: Aren't you going to take me home in a taxi first?

Frank: Can't you just make your own way home?

Betty: Frank, be a gentleman. a real man.

Be

FRANK sighs.

Frank: So what exactly does a real man do then?

Betty: woman.

He does everything for a

(MORE)

64. (CONT'D) Every single one of his actions should be geared towards making his woman feel like a princess. His woman should be his all.

Frank:

That's ridiculous.

Betty: Or maybe it's just why you've been single for so long. It's sad to see your not quite the man I hoped you would be.

Frank: Great. taxi then.

Let's go and get a

SCENE 15 INT. IN A TAXI. FRANK AND BETTY GET IN THE TAXI AND HEAD HOME. BETTY IS LOOKING IN HER BAG WITH INCREASING CONCERN. SHE IS RUMMAGING AROUND FRANTICALLY, LOOKING AROUND HER FEET AND UNDER HER BUM.

Betty: Oh shit. I think I've lost my bank card.

FRANK remains silent, staring out of the taxi window. looks at him helplessly, before becoming agitated.

BETTY

(MORE)

65. (CONT'D) Betty: Frank! I think I've lost my bank card.

FRANK turns his head slowly, and looks wide eyed at BETTY as though he has just woken up.

Betty: lost.

Frank! It's gone, it's

Frank: (smiling) Gutted.

Betty:

Don't be a dick, Frank.

FRANK shrugs his shoulders in a completely over the top manner, barely able to contain his smile.

Betty: Whatever Frank! This is me here. I'll see you at work on Monday.

BETTY gets out of the taxi.

66.

SCENE 16

INT. IN THE TAXI. FRANK IS LOOKING GLUM IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI. THE TAXI DRIVER TAKES PITY ON HIM.

Taxi D: All right boss, cheer up mate. You can't win 'em all.

Frank:

Yeah, thanks.

Taxi D: I can drive you back into town if you want if you want, you've still got time to pick up another one.

Frank: No thanks, I don't think of women like that.

Taxi D:

Like what?

Frank: You've got a bit of misogynistic tone.

Taxi D:

A what?

Frank:

Don't worry about it. (MORE)

67. (CONT'D)

Taxi D: What's your problem mate? You're the one on your own going home early on a Saturday night. Who does that?

Frank: Well if I was insecure enough to judge my life through sex, maybe I would care what you think.

Taxi D:

You've got some lip.

Frank: I don't really want to talk anymore.

Taxi D: I don't really want to drive you home anymore.

SCENE 17

EXT. THE TAXI DRIVES OFF LEAVING FRANK STANDING ON THE PAVEMENT. HE STARTS HIS WALK HOME.

SCENE 18 EXT. AS FRANK IS WALKING HOME HE SUDDENLY SEES ANTON IN THE STREET. HE IS STANDING MOTIONLESS, JUST LOOKING INTO THE NEAR DISTANCE WITH A COMPLETELY STRAIGHT FACE, UTTERLY SMASHED. FRANK APPROACHES HIM.

68.

Frank:

Anton?

ANTON doesn't move, or flinch.

Frank: You all right Anton? me, Frank.

It's

ANTON still doesn't move.

Frank: Come on, mate, let's go home. I'll get a taxi.

FRANK gets out his wallet and looks around. bank card - Betty's bank card.

He pulls out a

Frank: Shit - Betty's card. did that get there?

How

Anton:

I saw a ghost.

Frank:

What? (MORE)

69. (CONT'D)

Anton:

I saw a ghost.

Frank: Ok, well that's good. I can't afford a taxi so let's just walk, shall we? Come on -

Some sick dribbles out of ANTON's mouth, before eventually pouring out. But he still doesn't move. Eventually FRANK get's him moving in the right direction.

Anton:

I saw a ghost.

SCENE 19 INT. FRANK AND ANTON RETURN HOME. THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN. AS THEY ENTER THEY SEE BETTY SITTING DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM.

Frank:

Blimey, you got here fast.

Betty: The door was open, so I came in, hope you dont mind?

(MORE)

70. (CONT'D)

Frank:

Anton, this is Betty -

ANTON just walks off and into his room.

Frank: Here's your card Betty. Don't know how it got here.

Betty: I do. I know you wanted this to happen. You've planned everything perfectly, haven't you Frank?

Frank: I don't think I could bring theft into a plan.

Betty: Just kiss me Frank and take me to your bed.

Frank: Ok then.

FRANK and BETTY kiss.

Betty: How was that then? (MORE)

71. (CONT'D)

Frank: (smiling) Quite nice.

Betty: Shut up and do it again.

FRANK and BETTY kiss into Frank's bedroom.

SCENE 20

INT. ANTON'S FLAT. THE NEXT MORNING. ANTON IS UP AND WATCHING TV IN HIS PANTS. BETTY LEAVES FRANK'S ROOM IN JUST A T-SHIRT. SHE HEADS OVER TO THE SINK AND STARTS POURING OUT TWO GLASSES OF WATER.

Anton:

Oh, good morning.

Betty:

Morning.

Anton:

Are you the bisexual?

(MORE)

72. (CONT'D)

Betty: I'm a bisexual, yes, but people tend to call me Betty.

Anton:

Betty - whatever.

Betty: Are you always this charming?

Anton: Sometimes. So have you ever actually slept with another girl?

BETTY smiles to herself.

Betty: I have yes, on numerous occasions. It's absolutely mindblowing. Women know their way around each other's bodies better than any man could.

BETTY goes and sits next to ANTON, who starts to look uncomfortable.

Betty, cont'd: The synchronicity of two female bodies, talking tacitly to each other, sharing tenderness and aggression when it is craved. (MORE)

73. (CONT'D) Two hot, sweaty, naked bodies, covered in sweat, breathless, panting into each others ears as our nails dig into each others backs, trying to contain the screaming pleasure pulsing through our veins. Two beautiful works of art morphing into one huge masterpiece, dripping with sexuality and desire.

ANTON makes a grunting noise.

Betty: Does that answer your question?

Anton:

Yep.

Betty: Frank is up there with the best women I've ever slept with too. Did you hear me screaming last night?

Anton:

Yep.

Betty: Yeaaaah, sorry for that, babe, but when you experience so much pleasure it's hard to keep a lid on it.

(MORE)

74.

Anton:

(CONT'D) It's fine.

Betty: Good then. you later, Anton.

Well, speak to

BETTY returns to Frank's room and closes the door. looks down at his crotch.

ANTON

Anton:

Shit.

- ENDS -