So lots of people here tonight , my mom and her husband are here...

my roommate and his date

are here. Danny and frankie….sounds like a john patrick shanley play. Aww so cute yeah . i’m
glad they’re here. Because we were having a little problem the other day but thats all over now .
no we don’t have to talk about it here guys. I mean well it does kind of go into something i
wanted to discuss with the audience. Anybody here ever been second hand raped? Not sure?
Raise your hands? Ok so let me explain i came up with the term to basically describe any
situation where you are in the same room with two people be it say a : living room, hotel room,
open studio, loft space, break room you get the point and they decide to having sexy time while
you either a) sleeping or b) so drunk you are on the verge of sleep. So yeah danny and frankie
and i we all had a little situation in studio space like that recently and you can imagine if you’re
best buddy broski roomie second hand rapes you it’s gonna cause some rifts but we worked it
out right danny b? And it’s cool now...Yeah so yeah let’s not bring it up anymore cool. I’m good
with that yeah……...well you know the one thing i just wanted to mention was that what was so
unique about when danny second hand raped me though was the amount of premeditation and
planning that went into it. And danny is a smart smart lad so it didn’t surprise me. He’s british so
he already sounds smart even if he’s dumb but he’s actually smart so yeah he’s next level. I
really appreciate that you weren’t sloppy about it. I think I remember first getting the feeling I
was gonna get second hand raped was when you both just started blurting out random sexual
things like anal beads and just strings of sexual innuendos i mean just showering, peppering if
you will the conversation with sex. I mean that’s some freudian shit there: get his mind on sex so
he doesn’t even realize sex is happening right in front of him. Wow. genius. Then danny insisted
on cooking me pasta. 1. pasta makes me sleepy as hell and 2. it was like he was totally cooking
his “im sorry” meal before he even did it. Now this is when i started getting worried b/c I was
already a bit tipsy from birthday party and he kept offering me more to drink and here’s the
kicker when I knew something was off he offered me to eat one of my mother’s intense as hell
edibles that can put you out for like 8 hours. So I said to myself damn these bitches are up to
something they be trying to drug me reverse cosby style and second hand date rape my ass.
And I was pissed too when I heard it start ugh I just in the dark muttered: really. Should I go to
my car and sleep and they were like all whiny and sad like “ noooo ohh nooo noo dont noo” And
you know I admit I was upset the day after for like the whole day I kept thinking I should just
bring over a guy and start butt banging next to them one night and I said no that’s not really me I
wouldn’t want to do that you know. I honestly don’t think I could perform under those
circumstances anyway. So I said you what the best way to get them back is to just talk about the
whole thing in my act . So i love you guys thanks for coming and sitting up front.
Hey But I’m no saint. I get it you know sometimes you just gotta get the d or the p under any
circumstance. I know the feeling. I mean anybody ever have that person that you keep messing
with because the d so good but they so baaddd for your ass. You know who im talking about
you be taking trains buses uber pools transfers to get to this one’s d. So I had this one guy
well… Well let me start by asking just a show of hands? Anybody been fucked so hard they
fainted immediately after it was over? ….Ok well if you haven’t here are some signs to look out
for in case it happens to you. And I don’t know if you ever fainted before either. I’ve only fainted
twice in my life and each time it’s not cute. So I just finish having sexy time with this colombian
guy. He was one of those cross fit nuts who you know who are we kidding they are border line
sex addicts with hands like the bottom of leather boots. And I head right to the shower and right
as I am there BOOM BAM I’m down curtain and pole and all. Comes crashing down. And
bleeding on my face, I have a gash on my nose and Im buck naked and the dude is just freaked
out. So needless to say that killed the mood and I’m pretty sure I made the guy nauseus from
the blood. He patches me up and we fall asleep but the next morning I it occurs to me that I
have class and I have to do this intense scene from the play True West by Sam Shepard and if
you know the play it’s about these two brothers who have this tumultuous jealous relationship
and I look like I just got out of a bar fight. So I have the him drive me to the subway station in the
morning and i tell you if you never felt seat warmers on your bottom after fainting from butt sex I
suggest you experience that. I get to class and of course I’m late and I stroll in with my gay bff
john who is hung over and we both have our sunglasses on me disguising my black eye and
gash and we make our to the back of the class. I do my scene and I’m pretty sure I have
everyone thinking im on some brando method acting shit with my beat up face and we kill it .
And of course after class they’re all coming up to asking what happened if i got into a fight with
my scene partner and saying that was great work really brave of us to go that far and then of
course right when i’m basking in my glory my gaybeee john pops out and says “ oh christian he
just got fucked so hard last night he fainted” hahaha and sashays off.