The Friday Aggravate.

22nd September 2006

How about a commonsense approach for starters.

NASA:

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that pens
wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). In
order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They
developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below
freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do? The Russians used a Pencil!

THEN THERE’S THE SOAP FACTORY:

A Japanese cosmetics company received a complaint that a consumer had bought

a soap box that was empty. Immediately, the authorities isolated the problem to
the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the
delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly
line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers
worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned
by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make
sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast, but
they spent a whopping amount to do so.

However when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the
same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc, but instead
came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and
pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as the soap boxes
passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral:

Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves
the problem. Learn to focus on solutions, not on problems.

Common sense is not so common after all!

MARRIAGE THE WIT AND THE WISDOM

Dear girls a word or two from “Soosie”,

“I have found a lovely article regarding marriage that I would like to share with
you, most sound pretty Anti but still worth pondering!”

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WOMEN ON HUSBANDS
 The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing, and then marry him
 The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they are too old to do it
 Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then
complain that he is not the man she married?
 A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted
 An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she
gets, the more interested he is in her
 If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of
one, go ahead, get married
 A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished

MOTHER OF THE BRIDE

 Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife,
sharks for the wife’s mother
 My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work
one day and found me in bed with her

MEN ON WIVES
 Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage. The
wife is in charge
 Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same
 It’s a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to
keep unmarried as long as he can
 My wife and I were happy for 20years and then we met
 The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is
perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s clean linen
in public

ON STAYING SINGLE
 Marriage ha many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures
 Marriage may often be a stormy lake but celibacy is almost always a
muddy pond
 Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you are looking for, go live with
a car battery

SOUL MATES
 Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person who is your soul
mate…. And that takes a lot of looking!
 Nearly all marriages, even happy ones are mistakes in the sense that
almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in
this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable
mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to

HARDENED CYNICS
 Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe
that’s why so many mothers cry at weddings!
 A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers
 Marriage isn’t a word, it is a sentence!
 Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly
 The happiest marriage I can imagine. Would be the union of a deaf man to
a blind woman
 A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle

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COMIC TURNS
 Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit
 I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she
marrying HIM??
 Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give
you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in
the wrong house, that’s what it means
 Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays
 If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

SECOND TIME AROUND

 I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and
give her a house
 Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success

TRUE ROMANCE
 A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short
 Who so findeth a wife, findeth a good thing

A PHILOSOPHICAL VIEW
 To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties
 By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and it
you get a bad one you will become a philosopher
 Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the wife and
through the nose of the husband

MARITAL MISCELLANY
 Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a
long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home but it
doesn’t always go with everything else in the house
 They say marriages are made in heaven but so are thunder and lightening
 Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers
birthdays and the other who never forgets them
 The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret
 Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters are written in prose
 It is always incomprehensible to a man that a women should ever refuse
an offer of marriage
 Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose
interest
 Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind
 Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are
giving evidence at an inquest
 Marriage is like paying an endless visit in you worst clothes

The Aboriginal & the gay guy (A VERY Politically Incorrect joke.....!@#$%)

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150
kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man
walks in and sits beside him.

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After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers,
"Do you want a blow job?"
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man
in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the
way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and
returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react
like that", he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big Aboriginal replies, "Something about a job"...

Confused over the terminology of Guts or Balls?

We've all heard about people being courageous defined as having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the
balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Now Paddy is an Irishman of some renown, and who better to land this
lot on.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled
him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was
rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks
would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

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Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a
Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking
pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked "Why, that's my
Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an
unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, *****sake, you
*****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get
married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in
addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on
the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death
with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,
"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not
have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived
next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner,
he said he didn't have one!"

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his
shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another
beer. This happens about another seven times before the barman asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

Two guys in Tasmania are sitting in a boat on a Lake in the Central Highlands
fishing, and sucking down a few stubbies when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over mate, - women like that are
hard to find."

Little Johnny

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter
my boy I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win over the country
voters."
"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.
"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM
Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Heeler Cattle dog. Then
we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show
them that we really at home there."
"Right PM," said Costello.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler (poor
bloody dog doesn't get to pick does he, a bit like being in the army ?) They set
off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the
place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"G’day mate," said Howard, to the barman, "two middies of your
best Toohey’s beer.
"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the barman, "two middies of our best
coming up".
Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting,
nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay
quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and
in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the
Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip handle and looked underneath, shrugged
his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked
up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went
back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five
stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. By this
time the poor dog was growling at the indignity of it all.
Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman
over.

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"Tell me my good man," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in
and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom or
something?"
"Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them
that there was a cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

Making People Happy!!

Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and Industrial
Relations Minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering
in Canberra when: Howard turns to Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I
could throw a $100 note out the window right now and make someone very
happy", Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $10 notes out the
window and make ten people happy",
Not to be outdone, Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $1 coins out
the window and make a hundred people happy", The pilot rolls his eyes and says
to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of
them out the window and make millions of people happy"

Vinnie. (here there is a will, there is a way.)

An old Italian man lived alone in the country west of New York. He wanted to dig
his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son & described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato
garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents & local police arrived & dug up the entire
area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man & left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead & plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances. I hope it helped.

Love, Vinnie

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent

interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station
in Sydney.

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There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils
of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish)
female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of
friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children
of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey! My father died in France
during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three
died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you
touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum said it was contagious".
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try"?
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going
round, and it's contagious".
"Well done Katie" says the teacher.
"Is there anyone else"?
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door
neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my dad says it will take
the contagious to finish the house."