Collection of Jokes & Trivia

Vol-2

By Alok Kumar

ISBN NO: C All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is publish and without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above. No part of this Publication maybe reproduced or transmitted by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. The information contained in this book has been solely provided by author and due care has been taken to ensure that the same is correct. However the publisher accepts no responsibility for the authenticity, accuracy or completeness of such information. Published by: English Edition Publishers and Distributors (India)Pvt Ltd. Main Office: 5/10, 11,105 Jogani Industrial Complex, V.N. Purav Marg, (Near ATI) Chunabhatti,Mumbai - 400 022 Tel: 2527 4464, 2524 3531, 5595 2261/62 Fax: 2523 3158 Email: english_edition@hotmail.com City Office: 404, Ravi Building (Next to Central Camera), 189/191 D.N. Road, Fort, Mumbai - 400 001 Tel: 2261 81 54, 2263 2504, 5636 4196 Bangalore Showroom: Church Gate, 35 Church Street, Opp. Java City, Bangalore - 560 001 Tel: (080) 2506 6121/22, 2532 5282 Fax: 2532 5283. Designed by Email Printed by : : : Studio g studiog@toolpathgroup.com

Author's Note A group of my friends have been exchanging jokes over email over more than two years. The largest contributor to this joke inventory is my senior colleague and a close friend of mine Col. AK Diwakar. The compilation therefore has been named after him The Colonel's Book of Jokes & trivia. Inspiration of getting these jokes printed came to me when I used to get tired working and used to browse the jokes sent by my friend to have a laugh and get back to work. It came to my mind, as to why not share this with the rest of the world and make everyone laugh. Colonel Diwakar did not only make us laugh but also made us sit-up and think on many topics which never came to our mind. A poem of an unborn girl child and a write-up on mother even made us cry. Some tools to find out what we are and some inputs on general knowledge were a good mix of enjoyment which I received from him. I am not sure as to where Colonel Sahib was getting all these jokes and trivia from, but one thing I am sure is that we all enjoyed every bit of everything he send, when we read them for the first time and every time thereafter.

Alok Kumar

Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed & shit in the soup!'

Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'' The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it.''

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.'' The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.'' The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.'

A Few Philisophical Statements...

Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis. It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?

A Definite Definition
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear." "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy,

and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. "Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher. "Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies. "Yes." "Do farts have lumps?" "No. Why do you ask." "Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.

Johnny Cannot Tell a Lie

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my father's outhouse into the river." She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was "never tell a lie." After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?" Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did." And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it, and he didn't get a whooping." Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's

dad wasn't sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?

50 Fun Thing To Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas. 7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.) 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask:"Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral". 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink"at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious literature to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the otherpassengers. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons. 39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable hostbody. 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger. 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!

Mr. Bear And Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then

wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, I wish that Mr. Bear was gay! and rode off as fast as he could.

Deep in the Fourth Quarter

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. ''Well, go in the bushes.'' ''What should I use to wipe my ass?'' ''Use a dollar bill.'' A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands. What happened? asks his friend. ''I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.'

Piss Drunk
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the

bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop." The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. "What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!" Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry.

Prisoner of War
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Little Johnny Stands up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the

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cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.

Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN: CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE. ... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE. My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. OF COURSE I LOVE YOU. ... just not in that way. YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen. WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

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I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF . I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

If Men Ruled the World

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. 2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." 3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. 4. If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it. 6. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." 8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the Cricket team of your choice. 9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

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10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. 12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 14. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 15. Garbage would take itself out. 16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." 17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 19. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. 20. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. 21. But it would be celebrated every month. 22. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. 23. Two words: Ally McNaked. 24. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative payper-view event in world history. 25. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and

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eat the losers. 26. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 27. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 28. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 29. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." 30. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof." 31. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. 32. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 33. Daisy Duke Shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

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"That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. "What is it?" she said. "A puppy!

College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" How much for a season pass?

Airline A-Hole
During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I

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HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you." Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.

An Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

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Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one

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position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing,

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and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!

More True-Life Accounts of Stupidity

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up... And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal

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Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." And for the Main Course A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.

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"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars. Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ...Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up

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a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

How to Impress a Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN. show up naked, bring beer.

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Baked beans and their delightful tune

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture

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of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Men vs. Women: Round 1

NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument.

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Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Actual Instruction Labels...

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children.

ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head.

ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:

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Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Women's English
Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now "Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "We need to talk" = I need to complain "You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

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"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like "I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. "Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too Late, youre dead] Do what you want. = Youll pay for this later

Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!" St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?" The guy replied, "24 years." St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

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Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive." The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive." The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive." A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he terribly said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!

Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

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Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Metaphysical Downsizing
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, What is your first wish? The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, I would like to be rich! So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command! And poof, he was there. Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -decided on his third wish, I don't want to do any work ever again! and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

Don't Step Out of the Car

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously

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motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!

Art Gallery Nudes

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn.

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg? Phew, that one's easy, says the teacher, The Titanic. Alright, said St.Peter, you may pass.

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Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic? The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.

The Jackass Story

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' ' I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?'' Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!'' It would always cheer me up.

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Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name. ''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?'' He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!'' The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guy's a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in this world." I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on

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my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.'' I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?'' ''Yes, it is.'' ''Can you tell me where I can see it?'' ''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.'' I said, ''What's your name?'' ''My name is Don Hansen.'' ''When's a good time to catch you, Don?'' ''I'm home in the evenings.'' ''Listen Don, can I tell you something?'' ''Yes.'' ''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.'' I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, ''Are you still there?'' I said, ''Yeah.'' He said, ''Stop calling me.'' I said, ''No.'' He said, ''What's you name, pal?'' I said, ''Don Hansen.''

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He said, ''Where do you live?'' ''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.'' ''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.'' ''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.'' I said, ''Hello, Jackass!'' He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...'' ''You'll what?'' ''I'll kick your butt.'' ''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Mommy & "Uncle" Frank

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the

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clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?

Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot. He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot

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repeats everything he hears.'' ''That's alright,'' the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!' Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!'' They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!'' The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!'' They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit abig one, win a prize!'' The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!'' Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, ''The Lord is above us.'' The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!'' The minister said, ''The devil is below us.'' The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.'' Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him. The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!'

Hollywood Lessons
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

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2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society. 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

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14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie. The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water.

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Legend of the Maidens

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens. The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!" Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train.

Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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Tech Glossary

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

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Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See me A.S.A.P - Kum Hia Nao . Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

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Workplace Farting: Options Explored

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. - Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these

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most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky. And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on

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your own.

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-yearold. 11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same Sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still

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can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your potted plants stay alive. 3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd. 4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 5. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. 7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year. 8. 8:00a.m. is not early. 9. You have to file for your own taxes. 10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. 11. You're not carded anymore. 12. You carry an umbrella. 13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.

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14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married. 16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up. 17. You start watching the weather channel. 18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe. 19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack. 20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run. 22. You go to parties that the police don't raid. 23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you. 24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore. 25. Your car insurance goes down. 26. You refer to college students as kids. 27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Men and Women

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and

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make us leave early; and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work; I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around readjusting my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you

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can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

Old Man and his Babies

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, This old motor is still a' running. Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, This old motor is still a' running. The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, This old motor is still a' running.'' And the doctor said, Yeah but you better get your oil changed because

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this one is black.

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my

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wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... Naked.

The Truth
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father. Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.

Our Four Sons

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enough that he just gave away a huge portfolio. The next guy said, I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari. The third guy says, I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home. Just as the third guy finishes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, What are you guys talking about? Just about how good our sons are doing, the three men replied.

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Well, my son is doing very well, says the fourth man, He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.

An Amazing Connection With God

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!'

Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, Where have you been? I've been to the pub, slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like you've had quite a few. I did alright, the drunk says with a smile. Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms,

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that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.

Showers: Men vs. Women

How To Shower Like A Woman... * Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks. * Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. * Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. * Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. * Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. * Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. * Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes. * Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw. * Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. * Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). * Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to

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get it waxed instead. * Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. * Turn off shower. * Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. * Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. * Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel. * Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. * Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head. * If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-ahalf getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man... * Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. * Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound. * Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls. * Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one. * Wash your face. * Wash your armpits. * Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

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* Wash your privates and surrounding area. * Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. * Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. * Make a shampoo Mohawk. * Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. * Pee (in the shower). * Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk. * Partially dry off. * Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor. * Leave bathroom light and fan on. * Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her. * Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

Johnny Again
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up 2 hours late. Johnny says, "I was 2 hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".

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The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

Prescription
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic poison. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She replies. "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady. Not even if he is cheating on you with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

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James Bond

James Bond dies and starts for heaven. His secretary badly wants to find out if he safely reached there. So, she calls up heaven. A sweet female voice picked up and said: "This is Virgin Mary speaking". "Damn it", the secretary said and hung up. She calls again after 10 minutes. The same voice: "This is Virgin Mary speaking". "Damn it. He hasn't reached yet", the secretary said and hung up again. She calls again after 10 minutes. This time the voice said: "This is Mary speaking". "Thank you!! Take proper care of him", she said and hung up.

Girl: Do You Love Me? Boy: Yes Dear. Girl: Would You Die For Me? Boy: No, Mine Is Undying Love. *********************** On The First Day Of Marriage, The Husband Is Treated Like "God"... After that the Alphabets are reversed. ***********************

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Sardarji Could Not Understand Why His Sister Had Two Brothers and he Had only one... Bolo Tarara.. *********************** An Old Couple Is On A Walk, When A Pigeon Flies By And deposits a little Poop On The Woman's Head. "Yech!" Says The Woman. "Get Some Toilet Paper. "What For? He (Pigeon) Must Be Half-A-Mile Away By Now.". *********************** Santa Singh : Sorry I Am Late, I Got Stuck In An Elevator For 4 Hrs, because Of A Power Failure. Banta Singh : That's All Right, Me Too. I Got Stuck On The Escalator For 3 Hrs. *********************** A Sardar is Standing Below The Tube Light With An Open Mouth.. WHY ? GUESS.. Because Doctor Has Advised Him "Aaj Light Hi Khana Bolo Tarara. *********************** Question: "What's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband and BIN LADEN? Answer: "BOTH CAN NOT BE FOUND "Smile is a curve that makes lot of things straight"....So make that curve now..

With due apologies to Laloo Prasad Plis feel it apropreeatli.....

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STATE of BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHARM ********************************************************** NOTE: If you dont know the answers, please copy from another Applikason phorom and submit. For further instructions, see bottom applikason. Please do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the lisence immediately. Last name: (_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Mishra (_) do not know First name: (_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivaprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont know (Check appropriate box) Age: (_) Less than zero (_) Zero (_) Greater than zero (_) Don't know Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable Chappal Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Politician (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________

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Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you bathe? (_) Yes (_) No (_) Not applicable If yes, how often do you bathe? (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Yearly Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U dont know the color of your teeth) How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know _______________________Your thumb imparesson * * If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression. PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand. NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE

A gay found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

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As you wish," the genie replied. So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...

Body Language
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus. A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park." The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?" The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Face defeat with a humour

You gotta love a man like this ...Humor in the face of defeat. A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted the pictures of herself back.

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So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.

WOODWORK CLASS
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill. "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked. Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'. How the Internet got started May be a re-run... An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . . And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had

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been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear? And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)". Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so". And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates Drumsticks.

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And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are". And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". "Whoopee!", said Abraham. No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com. Indian Nursery Rhymes Laloo Bhai bihari Went up the pahari To fetch a bail for court order Laloo fell down And lost his crown But Rabri reigned thereafter. ________________________________ Laxman laxman Yes pappa Eating money No pappa Telling lies No pappa Open yr drawer Ha ha ha ________________________________ Samata party is falling down Falling down Falling down Samata party is falling down Falling down Falling down My fair jaitley (jaya) ________________________________

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Wha Wha Black Sheep Have you pulled the wool? Yes sir, Yes sir, Three bags full. One for my father, One for my dame, And one for the CBI Crying down the lane. __________________________________ Little Miss Bharti, Did a Maha-arti, So the BJP would always hold sway. There came a big BSP With Mayavati its USP . And frightened Miss Bharti away. ________________________________ Little Lal Advani Sat with his TV vahini Taking his party's rai He stuck out his thumb, Hoping to pull out the plum, And said, 'Can I have a slice of Vaj-pie?' ____________________________________ Batsman-bowler sat on the ball. Batsman-bowler had a great fall, All the bookies' cookies, All the bribers' men, Couldn't put Indian cricket together again. ____________________________________ Bankers and ministers Sold for a penny All the swindlers are so many The envy's green And the CBI red's Nail them all, and get Their head, head, head.

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Interview
One young man went for an IAS Interview. "When did India get independence?" He was asked. "The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied. "Who was responsible for our independence? "There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one it will be a injustice to another." He replied. "Is corruption the number one enemy in our country? "Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied. The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Sardar would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged. Then it was the turn of this Sardar. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him. "By the way, what is your date of birth?" He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947." Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?" He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one it will be injustice to another" The interviewer was incensed. "Hey! are you mad or what?"

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He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

Final Commandments

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one, The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "YES, it really works!

Definition of tragedy
President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

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So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy. 'No, says Bush, 'that would be an accident A little girl raises her hand 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'' 'I'm afraid not,' explains the President, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss''. The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?' Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, 'If Air Force One, carrying you, Mr. President, were struck by a 'friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'. 'Fantastic!' exclaims Bush. 'That's right, and can you tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'? Well,' says the boy, 'because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great loss' and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either.

Broken
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought

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it was *me* coming home drunk!!" George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After talking for a while he tells the children to go ahead and ask about anything. A little boy puts up his hand and dabbya (George) says: -Yes, son, what's your name? -Bob -And what is your question Bob? -Well I have three questions. 1.Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? 2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you? 3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Just as he finishes his questions, the school bell rings and George says to the kids that they'll continue after the break. When the breaks over George says: -Ehm, where were we? Ah, right questions! A little girl puts up her hand. George points at her and says: what's your name then? -Sally -And what's your question Sally? -Well, I have 5 questions. 1. Why did the US invade Iraq without the support of the UN? 2.Why are you president if Al Gore got more votes than you? 3.What happened to Osama Bin Laden? 4.Why did the school bell ring 20 minutes before it usually does? And 5. Where is Bob?

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Just give a thought

1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird) 2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be given a thought) 3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd) 4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good thinking) 5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who knows) 6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try) 7. Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? 8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell) 10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes) 11. What does OK actually mean? (Don't know) 12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I will stay and watch) 13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed) 14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help) 17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)

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18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it) 19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically) 20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try) 21 .Why is it called a TV set when there is only one? (Very nice) 22. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (This is nice) 23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (Stupid, break the law)

Sex Laws from around the World

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having

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sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in Tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as Guam!)

Survey
Last month, the U.N. worldwide conducted a survey. The only question asked was "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a HUGE failure. In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant. In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

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In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant. In South America they did not know what "please" meant. In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant. And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant. Santa and Banta, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two idiots. So she used 'BLOW-UP' dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to do their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began talking. Santa said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned...how was it for you?" Banta replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast.... she farted and flew out the window! One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying? The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No. The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No.

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The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes. The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying? "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water! The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a mis understanding. You see if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

2 or 4 lanes?!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

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you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Well, then, Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife better. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "Do You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

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6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces. 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew. 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Dear banta,
Vahe Guru !!! I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut

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them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. P Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I .S: realized, I had already sealed off this letter. Your Mummy A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normalstyle, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style. "Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?" "You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

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Who kept such names?

Long Dong (Guangxi, China) Mount Titlis (Switzerland) Blowhard (Australia) Sexbierum (Netherlands) Reamstown (Pennsylvania, USA) Pecker's Point (Newfoundland, Canada) Pickles Gap (Arkansas) Nether Wallop (England) Petting (Germany) Mount Mee (Australia) Titting (Germany) Titty Ho (England) Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA) Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA) Fugit (Kentucky, USA) Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA) Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England) Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland) Sally's Gap (Ireland) Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA) Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA) Black Butte (Oregon, USA) Sandy Balls (England) Tilicum (Washington, USA) Cockburn (Australia) Bangor (Wales)

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Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA) Ballville (Ohio, USA) Prickwillow (England) Black Charlie's Opening (Australia) Kinmount (Ontario, Canada) Euren (Wisconsin, USA) Cockland (Ohio, USA) Spuzzum (Canada) Bloody Dick (Montana, USA) Shafter (California, USA) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Mt. Buggery (Australia) Handcock Town (North Carolina, USA) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Sackville (Canada) Twatt (Orkney, UK) Muff (County Donegal, Ireland) Licking Valley (Ohio, USA) Gobblers Knob (Kentucky, USA) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Fukum (Yemen) Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Turdo (Romania) Dongo (Congo, Democratic Republic) Seymen (Turkey) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)

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Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) Chinaman's Knob (Australia) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) Tittybong (Australia) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Elephant Butte (New Mexico, USA) Maggie's Nipples (Wyoming, USA) Bone's Knob (Queensland, Australia) Fingeringhoe (Essex, UK) Titz (Germany) Needmore (Texas, USA) Fruitport (Michigan, USA) Zip Down (Pennsylvania, USA) Mount Holly (New Jersey, USA) Hookersville (West Virginia, USA) Penistone (South Yorkshire, UK) Slackbottom (Yorkshire, UK) Likwang (China) Climax Springs (Missouri, USA) Butt's Corner (New York, USA) Cocksgag (Ohio, USA)

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Life at hell
Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 75 and 80 years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they do every day. Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on. One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost. Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?" "Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening batsmen on Friday.

Sale in America
A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, orange juice, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents

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because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the wife asked incredulously. "then, I'll take the special. How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked. "Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home. Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only! She would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene

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noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she said, "is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had to have a "wonderful" wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the! Other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him. "Beautiful during the day.......... or at night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with? (If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be? (If you are a woman reading this..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice

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be? What Lancelot chose is below, BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now ... what is the moral to this story? The moral is.. 1) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly. 2) There is witch in every woman not matter how beautiful she is! Don's style An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you goina coma home and maybe finda your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point to your watch and say, TIME'S UP?"

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Just for laughs............

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman. *********************** Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai. Ab suraj ko hi dekh loAata hai Usha ke saath, Rehta hai Kiran ke saath, Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath! *********************** The positive thinking poem. Little birdy in the sky, You look up and it shits in your eye. You don't mind and you don't cry, You just thank God that cows don't fly. *********************** Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu? Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00 *********************** Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer. Salesman: Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains. Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed. *********************** Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!! Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!! ***********************

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Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road? To Cheack if he is going to work or Coming Back. *********************** Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!! To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!! *********************** Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho, Khuda Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho, Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai, Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!! *********************** What is the similarity between Mobile & Marriage? Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil Jaata!! A young son came running to his Daddy and asked, "Daddy, Daddy, how was I born?" Your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Your Dad, set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber caf. We sneaked into a private room, and then your mom stuck dad's memory stick into her USB port for downloading your file. An excited Dad could not refuse went on to fully upload. It was discovered that neither one of them had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And we have you my dear!

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Dear friends,
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with his colleagues. Question: is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the volume of hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of

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souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So, which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, that " . . . it will be a cold day in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true and thus I am sure that hell is exothermic and will not freeze. This student received the only "A" given. Actual ads on a matrimony site - TOO FUNNY !!! Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~ I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?) Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!) She should be good looking and should have a service. She Should have one brother and one sister. She should be educated. (ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect) i am simple boy.I have lot of problemin mylife because ofmylucknow i amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites) My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT...... (Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?) I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? ahem...) HYE I AM A GOOD LOOKING GUY, WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing)

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whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike this she would bde called the lady of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants) I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome") HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the "ok syndrome" again) I am pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?) I am very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??) My name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )

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Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye. (uttama purushan) iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments) I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits) hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (but credit cards not accepted..???) my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???) Im looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?) to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I

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wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.) I would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the mahalakshmi. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?) ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?) It is a repeat stuff, still ......... GOANS One Goan is Remo Fernandes. Two Goans is a Feni distillery. Three Goans is a football club. Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party. MALAYALEES One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop. Two Malayalees is a boat race. Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket. Four Malayalees is an oil slick. TAMILIANS One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler. Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad. Three Tamilians is a classical music school. Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.

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ANDHRAITES One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver. Two Andhraites is a spice shop. Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry. BENGALIS One Bengali is a rosagulla shop. Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie. Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group. Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement. RAJASTHANIS One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller. Two Rajasthanis is a mason. Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show. Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama. MANGALOREANS One Mangalorean is a supari seller. Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another. Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant. Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha. BOMBAYITES One Bombayite is a hawker. Two Bombayites is a film industry. Three Bombayites is a slum. Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.

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MAHARASHTRIANS One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor. Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match. Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession. Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha. GUJARATIS One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train. Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train. Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long. KUTCHIES One Kutchi is a kirana shop. Two Kutchis is a stationery shop. Three Kutchis is a saree shop. Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade. SARDARJIS One Sardarji is a truck-driver. Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba. Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan. Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes. SINDHIS One Sindhi is a currency racket. Two Sindhis is a papad factory. Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop. Four Sindhis is big show-off parties (yeech!).

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BIHARIS One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis is a caste killing. Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state. BHAIYYAS One Bhaiyya( U.P Wala) is a milkman. . Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala). Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad. Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. (And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family). KASHMIRIS One Kashmiri is a boatman. Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency. Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. KANNADIGAS One Kannadiga is a coffee estate. Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant. Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory. Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad. PUNJABIS One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week. Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night. Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.

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Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight. PARSIS One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs. Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer. Three Parsis is a 75-year-old man and his two unmarried sisters. Four Parsis is half their remaining population. The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, welldressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a "visit". Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row;

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too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again he-man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your family's attorney. I was instructed to give you your $3,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is: Some things in life are certain: 1. Taxes 2. Death 3. Being screwed by a lawyer So next time when u go for an interview be prepared for this question....

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Story I E: Do you have a boyfriend? C: I have. E: Is he working Locally? C: No. He is working Overseas. E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u! C: Why? E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u. Story II E: Any girl friends? C: No. E: So far chased any before? C: Have, but not successful. E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend? C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This Personal issue. E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u. C: Why? E: You are lacking of P skills and confidence!! .R Story III E: Any girlfriends? C: Yes. E: Is she pretty? C: Not quite. E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you. C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

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E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My Company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist. Story IV E: Any girlfriends? C: Yes. E: Is she pretty? C: yes E: Is she your first lover? C: Yes. E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit. Story V E: Any girlfriends? C: Yes. E: Is she your first lover? C: No. Have a few already. E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!) Story VI E: Any boyfriends? C: Yes. E: Is he rich? C: No. E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce. Story VII

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E: Any boyfriends? C: Yes. E: Is he rich? C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company. E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we! C: But, there is no position in his company. E: Then, what is your qualification? C: Secretary! E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect your managers' working spirits. C: But, I am not pretty at all. E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you!!

Lessons of Logic
I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ......................................................................... Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice? ......................................................................... If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ......................................................................... Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. ......................................................................... How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? .........................................................................

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Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa. ......................................................................... One should love animals. They are so tasty. ......................................................................... Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. ........................................................................ Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. ......................................................................... The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise. ......................................................................... Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. ......................................................................... Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. ......................................................................... "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep ......................................................................... There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning ......................................................................... "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk ......................................................................... "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours ......................................................................... God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. ......................................................................... The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the

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more you forget the more you forget, the less you know So Why learn. ......................................................................... A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say...

MISS WORLD Questions

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen. Question: How can you say so? Ms America: Because it stands ever y time it sees a woman.......................... (Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull) Question: How can you say so? Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.... (Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors. Question: How can you say so?

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Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth...... (Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves. Question: How can you say so?Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door..... (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!) Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like laborers. Question: How can you say so? Ms India: Because it works day and night...... (Applause! Applause! Applause! Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car. Question: How can you say so? Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................ (Applause! Applause! L aughter! L aughter! Applause! ) Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose). Question: How can you say so?

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Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over (Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Go through the mail below and find out if you are having the right dosage of the medicine as prescribed by the doctor. PROPER DOSAGE OF VIAGARA WITH A NEW GIRL FRIEND - NO NEED WITH A OLD GIRL FRIEND - HALF A TABLET WITH MISTRESS - ONE TABLET WITH WIFE - TWO TABLETS+BLUFILM+BEER+RUM+WILLPOWER.

Tourists at Niagara Falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?

Interesting
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife) H - "Hello?"

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W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H -"What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the2003 models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year.. H - "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $65,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else... H -"What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this

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Cell phone belongs to???"

Where is GOD?????
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having Exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!"

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Yo u s h o u l d b e s u re t h e p e r s o n i s S a rd a r w h e n h e : Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it Tries to drown a fish in waters Thinks socialism means partying Trips over a cordless phone Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius." Studies for a blood test and fails Sells the car for gas money Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor

What a kid
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asks,will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? "Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think

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that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot and then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore. "Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Marines could blow his ass to Kingdom Come."

I am a good boy . God help me

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend,

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Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4 I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND

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THE BIKE. Signed YOU KNOW WHO A sardarni in New York went to a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother in India. The phirangi guy told her it would cost $100 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money! But I would do anything to make a call to my mother in Punjab-India! The man arched an eyebrow and asked: "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" promises the sardarni. With that, the man said, "Follow me", walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Unzip me." She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well...go ahead damn it! The Sardarni slowly brought her lips closer, and screamed loudly, "Hello...MUMMYJEE????

Blondes are forever

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston

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and I'm staying right here. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here. The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, first class isn't going to Houston. A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro and asked all the students to introduce themselves with their name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their intro." First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub." Teacher was confused to listen and said "Interesting! Well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok John."

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Second boy: "Myself peter and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub" Teacher now got surprised and said " Gooodd. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next" Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub " Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next" This continues, and the last boy stands up : "I'm Henry, and my hobby is to see bubbles in the bath tub " Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach you ingrown boys for long. Any way, now the girls please" First girl: "I'm July and my hobby is to see birds". Teacher: "Gooodd. At last I got something different. Ok next" Second: "I'm ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher: "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl ... Yes you" The most beautiful girl of the class: Mam, my name is Bubbles, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day. FUNNY!??????

John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me? "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people. Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?

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The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it? Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me. "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one. Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me! Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell. Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair! MAY GOD BE WITH US ALL DURING THIS ELECTION.

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Bill Gates and his new wife:

Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed. Apparently things didn't work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and rather annoyed she said: "Now I know why your company is called what it's called!" (MICRO & SOFT)

10 Weddings
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new

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husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin. "What?" said the puzzled groom "How can that be if you've been married ten times before? "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband no. 2 was in Software Support, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband no. 3 was from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-ofthe-art method. Husband no. 6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband no. 7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband no. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband no. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was keep looking at it. Husband no. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited! "Good" said the husband, "but why? "You're a Tax Man. This time I KNOW I'm screwed

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Just to keep you going George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long. The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this. The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!" I hope everybody agree to these facts listed below: Story 1: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave,

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lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk. Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you Fox: "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more Lion: "Oh no, give it to me and it will be fixed Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch, which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun. Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it? The lion goes into his cave and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed. Scene: Inside the lion's cave: In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself. Moral: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS, LOOKAT THE

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WORKOF HIS SUBORDINATES. In the context of the working world: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED, LOOKAT THE WORKOF HIS SUBORDINATES. Story: 2 It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on? Rabbit: "My thesis. Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes. Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes! Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you! They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. Wolf: "What's that you are writing? Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves. Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you? Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why? The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes and goes back to typing. Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing? Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears. Bear: "Well that's absurd! Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you As they enter the burrow the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

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Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR. In the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU

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Some Trivia

'I think there's a world market for maybe five Pcs.' (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.) Radio has no commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody. (Colleagues of David Sarnoff on his Radio project 1920's.) 'Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. (Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.) 'You mean to drill into ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. (Drillers rejecting Edwin L Drake's oil project, 1859.) 'Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? (HM Warner, Warner Bros, 1927.) 'What can you do with a guy with ears like that? (Jack Warner, movie mogul, rejecting Clark Gable, 1930.) 'We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. (Decca Recording Company rejecting the Beatles, 1962.) 'But what is it good for? (An IBM Engineer commenting on the micro chip, 1968) 'Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. (Marechal Ferdinand, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.) 'We went to Atari, they said 'No'. So we went to HP; 'We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet'. (Apple founder Steve Jobs, 1980's) 'Fred Astaire can't act, can't sing, balding... Can dance a little. (MGM talent scout, 1928.) 'Everything that can be invented has been invented. (Charles H Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.) '640K ought to be enough for anybody. (Bill Gates, Microsoft, 1981.)

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'There is no reason why anyone would want to have a computer in their home. (Ken Olson, president, Founder, Digital Equipment Corp, 1977.) 'This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be considered as a means of communication. The device is of no value to us.' (Western Union memo, 1876)

Challenges
The Japanese have always loved fresh fish. But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades. So to feed the Japanese population, fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever. The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste. To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats. They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer. However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish. The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin. After a little hashing around, the fish stopped moving. They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference. Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste. The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish. So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put

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the fish in the tanks. But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged. As soon as you reach your goals, such as finding a wonderful mate, starting a successful company, paying off your debts or whatever, you might lose your passion. You don't need to work so hard so you relax. Like the Japanese fish problem, the best solution is simple. It was observed by L. Ron Hubbard in the early 1950's. "Man thrives, oddly enough, only in the presence of a challenging environment. The Benefits of a Challenge The more intelligent, persistent and competent you are, the more you enjoy a good problem. If your challenges are the correct size, and if you are steadily conquering those challenges, you are happy. You think of your challenges and get energized. You are excited to try new solutions. You have fun. You are alive! Recommendations Instead of avoiding challenges, jump into them. Beat the heck out of them. Enjoy the game. If your challenges are too large or too numerous, do not give up. Failing makes you tired. Instead, reorganize. Find more determination, more knowledge, more help. Don't create success and lie in it. You have resources, skills and abilities to make a difference. Put a shark in your tank and see how far you can really go!

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Four Parables
Parable Number 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Parable Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, " sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.," "Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients, " said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Parable Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and

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happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut! Parable Number 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk, " They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your asset. When you work with love, you bind yourself to yourself and to one another... Work is love made visible. And if cannot work with love but only with distances, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. (Kahlil Gibran)

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The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried iteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4 Give more.

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5. Expect less NOW -------Enough of that crap . The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you. After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of other companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share their available office space. At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why these people were alive... and all the stories were just: The 'L I T T L E' things. As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day because his son started kindergarten. Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts. One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time. One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident. One of them missed his bus. One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change. One's car wouldn't start. One went back to answer the telephone. One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have. One couldn't get a taxi. The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes

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that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today. Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone. All the little things that annoy me, I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be! at this very moment. The next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you. May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose. God Bless. Must Read...... This mail was sent by a software official working for Cognizant. ......... and we say that we are hardworking. Working 16 Hrs a day, work with our brains and minds, we deserve the high pay package etc... Sitting in the AC , typing abcd, complaining about the canteen food RUBBISH!!!!!!!!!!! ..... ........................ Vivek Pradhan wasn't a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express couldn't cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. A PM had so many things to do! He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use. "Are you from the software industry sir," the man beside him was

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staring appreciatively at the laptop. Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car. "You people have brought so much advancement to the country sir. To d a y e v e r y t h i n g i s g e t t i n g c o m p u t e r i z e d . " 'Thanks," smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a detailed look. He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stocky like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school. He probably was a Railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass. "You people always amaze me," the man continued, "You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside." Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naivety demanded reasoning not anger. "It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it." For a moment he was tempted to explain the entire Software Development Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement. "It is complex, very complex." "It has to be. No wonder you people are so highly paid," came the reply. This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence came into his so far affable, persuasive tone. "Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in." "Hard work!" "Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work. Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office doesn't mean our brows don't sweat. You exercise the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing." He had the man where he wanted him and it was time to drive home the point.

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"Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centers across the country. Thousands of transactions accessing a single database at a given time; concurrency, data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?" The man was stuck with amazement, like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and beyond his imagination. "You design and code such things." "I used to," Vivek paused for effect, "But now I am the project manager," "Oh!" sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, "so your life is easy now." It was like being told the fire was better than the frying pan. The man had to be given a feel of the heat. "Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I don't do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to get the work done in time and with the highest quality. And to tell you about the pressures! There is the customer at one end always changing his requirements, the user wanting something else and your boss always expecting you to have finished it yesterday." Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with selfrealisation. What he had said was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending the truth. "My friend," he concluded triumphantly, "you don't know what it is to be in the line of fire." The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek.

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"I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire," He was staring blankly as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time. "There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolor at the top only 4 of us were alive." "You are a..." "I am Subedar Sushant Singh from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a land assignment. But tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture one of my colleagues lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded. His own personal safety came last, always and every time. He was killed as he shielded that soldier into the bunker. Every morning now as I stand guard I can see him taking all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire." Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of his reply. Abruptly he switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a word document in the presence of a man for whom valor and duty was a daily part of life; a valor and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to epical heroes. The train slowed down as it pulled into the station and Subedar Sushant Singh picked up his bags to alight. "It was nice meeting you sir."

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Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This was the hand that had climbed mountains, pressed the trigger and hoisted the tricolor. Suddenly as if by impulse he stood at attention, and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute. It was the least he felt he could do for the country. PS: The incident he narrates during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true life incident during the Kargil war. Major Vikram Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight. For this and his various other acts of bravery he was posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra - the nation's highest military award Using resources Madan Mohan Malviya was trying to build a good university; he had to overcome many difficulties and barriers. He worked with determination to start the university. There was a funds crisis; but he did not get disheartened. He went from town to town, met many rich people and traders to collect donations. He went to the Nizam of Hyderabad to request him for funds. The Nizam was furious, 'How dare you come to me for funds... that too for a Hindu university?' he roared with anger and took off his footwear and flung it at Malviya. Malviya picked up the footwear and left silently. He came directly to the market place and began to auction the footwear. As it was the Nizam's footwear, many came forward to buy it. The price went up. When Nizam heard of this, he became uneasy. He thought it would be an insult if his footwear were to be bought by someone for a pittance. So he sent one of his attendants with the instruction, 'Buy that footwear no matter what the bidding price be!' Thus, Malviya

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managed to sell the Nizam's own footwear to him, for a huge amount. He used that money to build the Benares Hindu University. Moral: It is not what you have, but how you use your resource that makes a difference in your life. God's Boxes I have in my hands two boxes, Which God gave me to hold. He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box, and all your joys in the gold. I heeded His words, and in the two boxes, both my joys and sorrows I stored, but though the gold became heavier each day, the black was as light as before. With curiosity, I opened the black, I wanted to find out why, and I saw, in the base of the box, a hole, which my sorrows had fallen out by. I showed the hole to God, and mused, "I wonder where my sorrows could be! He smiled a gentle smile and said, "My child, they're all here with me. I asked God, why He gave me the boxes, Why the gold and the black with the hole? "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, the black is for you to let go. Author unknown

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Interesting origins In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the __expression, "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." ********** At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quartsized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts," hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's." ********** In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the "chair man." Today in business, we use the _ex-pression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board." Blue Moons That Are (and Blue Moons That Aren't) As any budding astronomer can tell you, a "blue moon" is the second full moon in a calendar month. It isn't really blue. It's just a name. But

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why, of all things, do we call a white moon "blue"? The First Recorded Blue Moon Actually, there are truly blue moons. In 1883, an Indonesian volcano erupted with the force of a 100-megaton nuclear bomb. With a roar heard nearly 400 miles (over 600 kilometers) away, Mount Krakatoa belched a column of volcanic gas and ash into the atmosphere. That night, the moon rose blue over Indonesia. Particles from Krakatoa's ash, not more than a micron wide, made it happen. These micron-wide particles were exactly the right size to scatter red light, while allowing other colors, such as blue, to pass. The result: a blue sphere hanging in the sky. Different sized particles filtered other colors and caused different effects. In fact, for several years after the eruption, there were reports from all over the globe of red moons, green moons, and, yes, even more blue moons. What's more, some of the sunsets following the eruption were such a blazing red that people actually called on firemen to drown the optical illusion. The eruptions of Mount St. Helens and Mount Pinatubo produced the same anomaly. So have forest fires. Changing Hue Still, none of this explains why we call the second full moon in a month a blue moon. The phrase is old, even if the modern meaning is not. Before Shakespeare penned a word of Hamlet, the English knew little couplets like: If they say the moon is blue, We must believe that it is true. Eventually, a 19th-century almanac put this metaphorical moon in the sky. According to the Maine Farmers' Almanac, a blue moon occurred whenever a season had four full moons instead of three. It was common to give moons seasonal names during this time, so you had harvest moons, fruit moons, and egg moons, too.

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Follow That Moon It didn't stop there. In 1946, Sky & Telescope magazine published an article that misinterpreted the Maine almanac's seasonal definition, making the blue moon the second full moon in a month instead of the fourth full moon in a season. The magazine soon adopted this new meaning. (They confessed up to their mistake in 1999.) It took the modern media machine, however, to put blue moons on the tip of everyone's tongue. Starting in 1986, the Genus II edition of Trivial Pursuit told a whole generation of trivia buffs that blue moons were the second full moon in a calendar month. Their source? A 1985 children's book, Facts and Records. Its source? No one knows. In 1999, the blue moon's fate was sealed through extraordinary lunar happenings. There were two full moons in January and March and none at all in February. The media had a field day, talking over and over about the "blue moons" of January and March. It was blue moon mania. The new definition stuck. Sure, the blue moon was no longer blue, and a long way from its Indonesian home. But transformations like that can occur--once in a blue moon. More on GK "A rainbow can only be seen in the morning or late afternoon. "The tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. "Penguins can change salt water into fresh water. "Because heat expands the metal, the Eiffel Tower always leans away from the sun. "When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. "Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year!

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The Wooden Bowl I guarantee you will remember the tale of " The Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, perhaps even a year from now. A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making? Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was

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spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life. I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about;

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I just did!!! Truisms A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job. There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. ... It could be a right number. Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs This mail should be read in the parliament for the information of all the politicians.

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Lord McCauley in his speech of Feb 2, 1835, British Parliament "I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such caliber, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation. I've never made a fortune and it's probably too late now But I don't worry about that much I'm happy anyhow. And as I go along life's way I'm reaping better than I sow I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. Haven't got a lot of riches and sometimes the going's tough But I've got loving ones around me and that makes me rich enough. I thank God for his blessings and the mercies He's bestowed I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. Oh, remember times when things went wrong my faith wore somewhat thin But all at once the dark clouds broke and sun peeped through again. So Lord, help me not to gripe about the tough rows that I've hoed, I'm drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed. If God gives me strength and courage when the way grows steep and rough I'll not ask for other blessings - I'm already blessed enough. And may I never be too busy to help others bear their loads

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Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer 'cause my cup has overflowed!! Author Unknown

Life in US -> A true story written by an NRI ......... Read when free ......... its really heart touching ONE BEDROOM FLAT... AN NRI ENGINEER'S DIARY... As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in software Engineer and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and opportunity. When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream had come true. Here at last I was in the place where I wanted to be. I decided I would be staying in this country for about Five years in which time I would have earned enough money to settle down in India. My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat. I wanted to do some thing more than him. I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phone cards. Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee value went down. Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying shopping for gifts for all my relatives and friends back home. If I miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the

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time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate. In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as I will not get any more holidays soon and they cannot wait for long. After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we (I was lucky and managed to get the visa of my wife early) returned to USA. My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a week sometimes 3 times a week, as she also has to call her parents. Our savings started diminishing. After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their grand-children. Every year I decide to go to India. But part work, part monetary conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and was stuck up in the procedures and thus could not go to India. The next message I got was my parents were passed away and as there was no one to do the last rites the society members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents passed away without seeing their grand children. After couple more years passed away, much to my children' dislike and my wife's joy we returned to India to settle down. I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years.

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I had to return to the USA. My wife refused to come back with me and my children who refused to stay in India. My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years. Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA. I decided that enough is enough and wound-up everything and returned to India. I had just enough money to buy a decent Two-bed room flat in a welldeveloped locality. Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby place of worship. My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode. Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even after staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same, nothing more. I lost my parents and children for just one extra bedroom. Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these children are losing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cards from my children asking I am alright. Well at least they remember me. Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rites, God Bless them. But the question still remains 'was all this worth it?' I am still searching for an answer................ 25 differences in thinking between the Middle Class and the World Class: 1. The Middle Class competes . . . the World Class creates. 2. The Middle Class avoids risk . . . the World Class manages risk. 3. The Middle Class lives in delusion . . . the World Class lives in

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objective reality. 4. The Middle Class loves to be comfortable . . . the World Class is comfortable being uncomfortable. 5. The Middle Class has a lottery mentality . . . the World Class has an abundance mentality. 6. The Middle Class hungers for security . . . the World Class doesn't believe that security exists. 7. The Middle Class sacrifices growth for safety . . . the World Class sacrifices safety for growth. 8. The Middle Class operates out of fear and scarcity . . . the World Class operates from love and abundance. 9. The Middle Class focuses on having . . . the World Class focuses on being. 10. The Middle Class sees themselves as victims . . . the World Class sees themselves as responsible. 11. The Middle Class slows down . . . the World Class calms down. 12. The Middle Class is frustrated . . . the World Class is grateful. 13. The Middle Class has pipedreams . . . the World Class has vision. 14. The Middle Class is ego-driven . . . the World Class is spirit driven. 15. The Middle Class is problem oriented . . . the World Class is solution oriented. 16. The Middle Class thinks they know enough . . . the World Class is eager to learn. 17. The Middle Class chooses fear . . . the World Class chooses growth. 18. The Middle Class is boastful . . . the World Class is humble. 19. The Middle Class trades time for money . . . the World Class trades ideas for money. 20. The Middle Class denies their intuition . . . the World Class embraces their intuition.

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21. The Middle Class seeks riches . . . the World Class seeks wealth. 22. The Middle Class believes their vision only when they see it . . . the World Class knows they will see their vision when they believe it. 23. The Middle Class coaches through logic . . . the World Class coaches through emotion. 24. The Middle Class speaks the language of fear . . . the World Class speaks the language of love. 25. The Middle Class believes problem solving stems from knowledge . . . the World Class believes problem solving stems from will. Clarity of thoughts: A professor challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did". The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created evil too. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil. The student couldn't respond to that statement. The professor concluded that he had 'proved' that 'belief in God' was a fairy tale, and therefore worthless. Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "Sir, may I pose a question? "Of course," answered the professor. The young student stood up and asked: "Sir, does cold exist? The professor answered, "What kind of a question is that? Of course the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold? The young student answered, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold, in fact, is the absence of heat. Anything can be studied as long as it transmits energy (heat).

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Absolute zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have body heat or we are not hot. "And, does dark exist?" he continued. The professor answered, "Of course, it does. The student responded, "Let us review that, Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness cannot. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light. Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist? The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the beginning, we see crimes and violence all over the world, and those things are evil. The student responded, "Sir, evil does not exist either. Just as in the previous cases, evil is a term which man has created to describe the result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man. The professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back. The student was Albert Einstein. What your 'Birth' month means JANUARY * Ambitious and serious * Loves to teach and be taught * Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses * Likes to criticize * Hardworking and productive * Smart, neat and organized

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* Sensitive and has deep thoughts * Knows how to make others happy * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Rather reserved * Highly attentive * Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds * Romantic but has difficulties expressing love * Loves children * Homely person * Loyal * Needs to improve social abilities * Easily jealous FEBRUARY * Abstract thoughts * Loves reality and abstract * Intelligent and clever * Changing personality * Temperamental * Quiet, shy and humble * Low self esteem * Honest and loyal * Determined to reach goals * Loves freedom * Rebellious when restricted * Loves aggressiveness * Too sensitive and easily hurt * Showing anger easily * Dislike unnecessary things * Loves making friends but rarely shows it

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* Daring and stubborn * Ambitious * Realizing dreams and hopes * Sharp * Loves entertainment and leisure * Romantic on the inside not outside * Superstitious and ludicrous * Spendthrift * Learns to show emotions MARCH * Attractive personality * Affectionate * Shy and reserved * Secretive * Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic * Loves peace and serenity * Sensitive to others * Loves to serve others * Not easily angered * Trustworthy * Appreciative and returns kindness * Observant and assess others * Revengeful * Loves to dream and fantasize * Loves traveling * Loves attention * Hasty decisions in choosing partners * Loves home decors * Musically talented

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* Loves special things * Moody APRIL * Active and dynamic * Decisive and hasteful but tends to regret * Attractive and affectionate to oneself * Strong mentality * Loves attention * Diplomatic * Consoling * Friendly and solves people's problems * Brave and fearless * Adventurous * Loving and caring * Suave and generous * Emotional * Revengeful * Agressive * Hasty * Good memory * Moving * Motivate oneself and the others * Sickness usually of the head and chest * Easily get too jealous MAY * Stubborn and hard-hearted * Strong-willed and highly motivated * Sharp thoughts * Easily angered

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* Attracts others and loves attention * Deep feelings * Beautiful physically and mentally * Firm standpoint * Easily influenced * Needs no motivation * Easily consoled * Systematic (left brain) * Loves to dream * Strong clairvoyance * Understanding * Sickness usually in the ear and neck * Good imagination * Good debating skills * Good physical * Weak breathing * Loves literature and the arts * Loves traveling * Dislike being at home * Restless * Hardworking * High spirited * Spendthrift JUNE * Thinks far with vision * Easily influenced by kindness * Polite and soft-spoken * Having lots of ideas * Sensitive

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* Active mind * Hesitating * Tends to delay * Choosy and always wants the best * Temperamental * Funny and humorous * Loves to joke * Good debating skills * Talkative * Daydreamer * Friendly * Knows how to make friends * Abiding * Able to show character * Easily hurt * Prone to getting colds * Loves to dress up * Easily bored * Fussy * Seldom show emotions * Takes time to recover when hurt * Brand conscious * Executive * Stubborn * Those who loves me are enemies * Those who hates me are friends JULY * Fun to be with * Secretive

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* Difficult to fathom and to be understood * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Takes pride in oneself * Has reputation * Easily consoled * Honest * Concern about people's feelings * Tactful * Friendly * Approachable * Very emotional * Temperamental and unpredictable * Moody and easily hurt * Witty and sarky * Sentimental * Not revengeful * Forgiving but never forgets * Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things * Guides others physically and mentally * Sensitive and forms impressions carefully * Caring and loving * Treats others equally * Strong sense of sympathy * Wary and sharp * Judge people through observations * Hardworking * No difficulties in studying * Loves to be alone * Always broods about the past and the old friends

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* Likes to be quiet * Homely person * Waits for friends * Never looks for friends * Not aggressive unless provoked * Prone to having stomach and dieting problems * Loves to be loved * Easily hurt but takes long to recover * Overly concerned * Puts in effort in work AUGUST * Loves to joke * Attractive * Suave and caring * Brave and fearless * Firm and has leadership qualities * Knows how to console others * Too generous and egoistic * Takes high pride of oneself * Thirsty for praises * Extra ordinary spirit * Easily angered * Angry when provoked * Easily jealous * Observant * Careful and cautious * Thinks quickly * Independent thoughts * Loves to lead and to be led

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* Loves to dream * Talented in the arts, music and defense * Sensitive but not petty * Poor resistance against illnesses * Learns to relax * Hasty and rushy * Romantic * Loving and caring * Loves to make friends SEPTEMBER * Suave and compromising * Careful, cautious and organized * Likes to point out people's mistakes * Likes to criticize * Quiet but able to talk well * Calm and cool * Kind and sympathetic * Concerned and detailed * Trustworthy, loyal and honest * Does work well * Sensitive * Thinking * Good memory * Clever and knowledgeable * Loves to look for information * Must control oneself when criticizing * Able to motivate oneself * Understanding * Secretive

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* Loves sports, leisure and traveling * Hardly shows emotions * Tends to bottle up feelings * Choosy especially in relationships * Loves wide things * Systematic OCTOBER (The month I was born) * Loves to chat * Loves those who loves him * Loves to takes things at the centre * Attractive and suave * Inner and physical beauty * Does not lie or pretend * Sympathetic * Treats friends importantly * Always making friends * Easily hurt but recovers tough * Bad tempered * Selfish * Seldom helps unless asked * Daydreamer * Very opinionated * Does not care of what others think * Emotional * Decisive * Strong clairvoyance * Loves to travel, the arts and literature * Soft-spoken, loving and caring * Romantic

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* Touchy and easily jealous * Concerned * Loves outdoors * Just and fair * Spendthrift and easily influenced * Easily lose confidence NOVEMBER * Has a lot of ideas * Difficult to fathom * Thinks forward * Unique and brilliant * Extraordinary ideas * Sharp thinking * Fine and strong clairvoyance * Can become good doctors * Careful and cautious * Dynamic in personality * Secretive * Inquisitive * Knows how to dig secrets * Always thinking * Less talkative but amiable * Brave and generous * Patient * Stubborn and hard-hearted * If there is a will, there is a way * Determined * Never give up * Hardly become angry unless provoked

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Loves to be alone * Thinks differently from others * Sharp-minded * Motivates oneself * Does not appreciates praises * High-spirited * Well-built and tough * Deep love and emotions * Romantic * Uncertain in relationships * Homely * Hardworking * High abilities * Trustworthy * Honest and keeps secrets * Not able to control emotions * Unpredictable DECEMBER * Loyal and generous * Patriotic * Active in games and interactions * Impatient and hasty * Ambitious * Influential in organizations * Fun to be with * Loves to socialize * Loves praises * Loves attention * Loves to be loved

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* Honest and trustworthy * Not pretending * Short tempered * Changing personality * Not egoistic * Takes high pride in oneself * Hates restrictions * Loves to joke * Good sense of humor * Logical >>A little girl and her father were crossing a flimsy bridge. The father was >>kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold >>my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, >>Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" asked the puzzled father. >>"There's a big difference," replied the little girl. "If I hold your hand >>and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But >>if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will >>never let my hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in >>its bind, age, caste or creed but in its bond. So hold the hand of the >>person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold urs... >>

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>> >>GOD HOLDS UR HAND ALWAYS AND NEVER LETS U GO Subject: Future Life Guess...this gonna be our 22nd century life. Our communication - Wireless Our business Our telephone Our cooking Our youth Our religion Our food Our faith Our labour Our conduct Our relation Our attitude Our feelings Our politics Our education Our Follies Our arguments Our poor Our life - Cashless - Cordless - Fireless - Jobless - Creedless - Fatless - Godless - Effortless - Worthless - Loveless - Careless - Heartless - Shameless - Valueless - Countless - Baseless - Voiceless - Meaningless

Our commitment - Aimless

Finally, Our existence - Useless???? Fantastic facts 1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo

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Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer. 2. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 3. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why. 4. 40 percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 5. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 6. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. 7. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog. 8. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 9. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as a medicine. 10. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. 11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 12. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 13. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 14. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. 15. The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby"! 16. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. 17. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. 18. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

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19. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 20. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. 21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 22. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot. 23. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. 24. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, CocaCola, and Budweiser, in that order. 25. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that can be typed with only the left hand. 26. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly. 27. A mathematical wonder: 111,111,111 multiplied by 111,111,111 gives the result 12, 345, 678, 987, 654, 321. 28. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. 29. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. 30. The "pound" (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp. 31. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. 32. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 33. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 34. "Dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt". 35. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 36. In Chinese, the KFC slogan "finger lickin' good" comes out as "eat your fingers off". 37. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head. 39. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime. 40. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines. 41. Coca-Cola can be used as car oil.

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42. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year. 43. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV. 44. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans. 45. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying "yes" in Sri Lanka. 46. There are more chickens than people in the world. 47. It's against the law in Iceland to have a dog. 48. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest. 49. The only word in the English Language with all vowels in reverse order is "sub continental". 50. There are more telephones than people in Washington, D.C.

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

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Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the

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son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Two tough questions

>> >>Question 1: >> If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? >> Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates. Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an

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occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. >> >>> > > > > >>>------------------------------------------------------------>>> > > > > >>> > > > > Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. >>> > > > > >>> > > > > Candidate B is Winston Churchill. >>> > > > > >>> > > > > Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. >>> > > > > >>> > > > > >>> > > > > >>> > > > > And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

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