WHAT WH ITE E LEPHANT

THEPOLITICSISSUE

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THEMAYISSUE

PAGE OF CONTENTS
1 | CONTENTS
Youre there now, delegate

1 0 | THIS WAS ALMOST A

SUICIDE NOTE
You have so much getting fucked to live for

1 7 | OVERCOMING

BITCHITUDE

2 | HOROSCOPES
Words of future prediction, if you believe in that sort of thing

How to believe in yourself & band jam. Bitch

1 2 | HOW TO HELP THE

1 8 | MITTENS KITTENS
I dont want to write an article

POLICE

4 | YETI DETECTIVE
It takes me about 559 words of writing and drinking to descend into this

13 | POLITICS SUCKS 1 4 | THE FINAL

19| THINGS OVER-

HEARD

CATATROSPHE

6 | EDITORS LETTER
I work with ungrateful assholes waiting on ungrateful assholes, I need productive time

20 | STAFF PAGE
Theyre shameless gluttonous whores for attention

1 6 | CAT INTERVIEW
Our ace reporter Peanut Scholar takes time away from priorities to interview a cat

8 | STORY TIME
With Chatty Kathy

NOTSPONSOREDBYTHECO-CONSPIRATOR

HOROSCOPES
ARIES - This month you are going to have to rely on the kindness of strangers to feel validated. This means really putting yourself out there and broadening your sexual horizons. Dont worry about any implications that antibiotics can cure because in the long run waking up wondering where you are will take your mind off of a freezer filled with frozen meals for one. TAURUS - Just keep in mind that a certain person is not going to assume youve forgotten how to use a phone. Also keep in mind that your stubborness isnt cute and will more than likely make you seem less appealing in the long run. Try something new like actually being nice to people who want to spend time with you and lose the ambivalent act or youre going to end up looking like an Aries.

CANCER - Be careful with your money! By this I mean GET A JOB. People are getting tired of your laziness and forgetting your wallet only works once and not multiple times....in a row. This month, like all of the others will calm down after the first two weeks (after the collection agency calls stop). You cant keep blaming the one percent if all youre willing to work are 4 hour shifts and you keep failing drug tests. Youre in no position to be in a relationship but go hit up an Aries....Ive heard they are easy this month. LEO - A Gemini is going to really let you down this month. This will probably come as a relief to some extent because usually youre the only one doing the disappointing. I know youve had your fair share of failed relationships but this time the only way to be sure you arent coming off like an Aries is to keep quiet. Give that Sagittarius a chance and look forward to a summer romance that might just see you past labor day but we all know youre more concerned about that white pants rule than you are about anything remotely important. VIRGO - Clean, clean and clean. Youve let things get really messy and to be honest I doubt an Aries would even touch you at this point. Give up on the money you let that Cancer borrow because its just not going to happen and consider it an investment on a source of purchasing weed. Your bank account, like your morals has been drained in a variety of ways by mid month and the only thing that will make you feel better will be making some changes. By changes I mean good decisions...for once.

GEMINI - Your mental hygiene is going to come into question this month. Feel free to let your lack of conscience shine as it will be incredibly hard to hide especially after the 16th. You cant blame your racist parents for your lack of cultural understanding now that you are on your own and have access to the internet. Stop asking people if certain articles of clothing make you look gay because in all actuality the question itself will cause more doubt of your sexual orientation. If you get bored, go fuck an Aries.

LIBRA - Stop playing the martyr card until youve actually been killed. No one can feel sorry for you if you keep making decisions based on what will effect you in the least positive way. In other news, that Taurus youve had your eyes on basically just used you and has no intention of calling you back but you shouldve seen that coming. A business transaction youre considering with a certain Pisces will take an interesting turn. Oh and anyone who is an Aries is like...REALLY easy right now. SCORPIO - Go do an Aries.

CAPRICORN - Lend a Taurus some money you cheap bastard. People are going to find your organization less appealing than usual this month and you could probably learn a lesson from a Virgo. Live a little and try doing something out of your comfort zone like playing with fire...or traffic. Go above and beyond and have the morning after pill ready for when that Aries comes around.

AQUARIUS - Embrace a month of change. By change I mean bathe because you smell like a Virgo and even and Aries wouldnt touch you. Avoid drama involving the Libras in your life because this will only get in the way of what you love concentrating most on.....yourself. Your lucky numbers are 12, 7, 87 and 239847. I just made those up because youre probably the only sign diluted enough to take that seriously. Sucker.

SAGITTARIUS - While Aries is getting a ton of ass this month you arent going to follow the crowd and try something different. The Leo youve been trying to bang is finally going to give in but just keep in mind that youre probably just rebound. Playing hard-to-get or at least not being a complete slut might just work in your favor for once. Celebrate the upcoming summer by keeping it in your pants until you find something worth while.

PISCES - You are going to screw a lot of people over this month. For some reason the Libra you are doing business with will become suspicious so accomplish your goals quickly and leave town. Depend on a Taurus to actually make you look good because you at least pretend to care...usually. Dont bother putting on a front for any Aries though....they dont even love themselves right now.

POLITICS
Yeti Detective

They say that if you want to stay friends with someone, dont discuss politics or religion. Those have been the focus of the zine for the last two months. So maybe that can tell you something about how we feel about you, gentle reader. Politics dates way back to the olden days when, if you wanted to be leader of your tribe, you just had to kick everyone elses ass. They hadnt invented democracy yet, and brute force reigned supreme. But sometimes the fittest leader isnt the strongest or the most badass. Though, it is nice to know that the guy in charge can tear a mans jaw from his head, but how does that create jobs? Do you know what the price of mammoth hide has gotten up to? Whats Chief Warbles policy on mammoth hide? Oh? Kill mammoths? That sounds pretty good, actually. Thats why hes in charge. That and he tore Ugnaughts (the previous chief) jaw from his head. Now that I think of it, it was mostly the jaw tearing thing. He ran on a platform of strictly jaw-tearing. We cave people began to grow weary of single-issue politicians. (In the story Im currently telling I was alive during pre-history and participated in proto-human tribal rituals. This is because I have no respect for your sense of credulity. Or maybe because its true. You cant prove I wasnt there. One time I shat in a river bed. I bet its fossilized. Go look for my fossilized shit. Youll see. Thatll teach you to respect your elders. Where was I?) We cave people began to grow weary of single-issue politicians. Every election, it seemed, was just a lot of mud slinging, literally, and, Vote for me! Ill

tear that guys jaw off! No! Vote for me! Im going to tear that guys cock and balls off! Our debates were more interesting than your generations, at least. But it seemed like none of the candidates were in touch with the issues that were important to us. Issues like saber-toothed tigers. If you have a baby and its a boy, its probably gonna die. But if youre a woman and youre gonna have a baby, youre probably gonna die. People used to die all the fucking time back then. But there werent seven billion of them, so that was cool. But there was no internet, either, and that sucked. And the mosquitoes that could skewer your eyeball like a martini olive... Thats why I drink... So we waited for politics to evolve, and did it ever. The Chief was a political figure because he was born with big, bad ass muscles and no sense of empathy. Enter: The Shaman. He derives his power from the ability to say shit that NO ONE understands. But not just like a crazy person. When an average crazy person says shit you dont understand, you go, What a batshit fucking fucker, and you go about your day. Maybe you have a cool story to tell at dinner if youre lucky enough to have a family and you arent writing this article from the inside of a walk-in closet, clutching a jug of whiskey and crying. LOL, just kidding guys. I have a cat.

Im a free bitch, baby. It takes me about 559 words of writing and drinking to descend into this.

She doesnt want to hang out tonight, though.

God, youre a loser. Seriously. Ive made a nest of dirty laundry and garbage inside a closet, and thats where I sleep. Im not cool. I probably need to be put away. Whats the matter with you? Anyway, back to the Shaman.

And you still wish you were as cool as me.

When the Shaman says some crazy shit, your reaction is different. You dont go, What a batshit fucking fucker. You go, I better pretend I understood that or everyones going to think Im a dumbass. And you know how they do it? I figured it out. Its the silly hat. Think about it. Not too hard, because Im about to shovel thoughts into your stupid little slime-eyes so they stick in your brain, and you can regurgitate them later at a party and maybe a drunk girl will think youre intelligent and try to touch your penis which you cant get hard because you drank too many PBRs because you think PBR is still hip. Kill yourself. My SHOES are hipper than you, and I found them. IN A DUMPSTER! Heres a list of silly hats to contemplate: 1. Native American Shaman: Im just gonna put a whole goddamn turkey on my head. 2. Middle-eastern Shaman: I wear a diaper on my head to protect my hair because thats how God will pull me up to heaven. This ones interesting to me because of the justification. If Dirty Shirtless Joe from up the block approached you on the sidewalk and said, Gods going to pull me up to heaven by my hair. Youd say, Oh, Jesus. Here is $5 if you promise to go away now and not touch me. But if that asshole was wearing a turban youd be like, Wow. You have such interesting and diverse beliefs. Let me buy you a Turkish coffee and well discuss this. Not gonna lie, reader. It was a little racist of you to offer him a Turkish coffee just because hes wearing a turban, but Ill let it slide because Turkish coffee is delicious. 3. The crowns of European royalty: A gold, spiky hat that doesnt even cover the top of your head in many cases. Thats weird. Nobody else wears that. Also, a lot of European royalty derive their authority from a legend of a woman fucking a lake

monster. True fact. The Merovingian family. Look it up. You know whats a connection you wont find a lot of? The Merovingians were said to have blue blood because of their descent from a lake monster. You know what kind of aquatic organisms have blue blood due to their hemoglobin bonding oxygen to magnesium instead of iron? Cepholopods. Whats a cepholopod, Uncle Yeti? Oh, nothing, dumbass. Just an octopus. A squid. A cuttlefish. Cthulhu. OH SHIT! THAT LAST ONE WAS SCARY! Thats right. If your silly hat of choice happens to be made of tin foil (that shit doesnt block the mind-control satellites, anyway. Dumbass.) you might find it slightly creepy that the most powerful family in all of history basically admits to having been spawnt by the Great Old One himself. But dont worry. Now we have democracy. Capitalist democracy. Where 96% of elections are won by whoever had the most money. That makes you feel good. In America, anybody can buy the president. And as our, arguably, greatest democratically elected official Abraham Lincoln himself once said, Theres nothing to fear but the grey flood of madness that covers the Earth in a horrifying instant that seems like an eternity. And he never wore a silly hat. OH SHI-

lexicon
dickmouth noun---People lacking the skill of being considerate/thoughtful.
USAGE: Thanks for asking

me, dickmouth!

05.01.12
Ive been doing a lot of things lately that i perceive to be productive. Things that might only matter to me, but nonetheless. Mostly I just work my ass off at my -as peanut scholar said- thankless job, where Im responsible for the entire store, some nights completely by myself. For the most part Im used to it, but i have some rough nights where too much is expected of me. I work at a place right next to the major college in town, and Im the peoples first choice for convenience. I always like some sort of a challenge but on nights where Im stuck there by myself and every single college kid within a mile radius is going to the same 2 parties down the street, and theyre all stopping at my work first to buy gum so they can have cash back, or to buy 24 oz. fountain drinks for chasers. On that specific night i had to chase a lady who thought she could just walk out with 2 24 packs of Bud Light. She threatened to kill me. That was followed by her hounds ambushing less than 10 minutes later and getting away with 4 18 Packs without me noticing. I was already ass deep in drunk college kids, who wouldnt stop yelling while i was ringing up their red bull, and talking to the police dispatch lady. She made sure to take her time asking pointless questions, instead of sending someone the 2 blocks away to look for people walking with cases of beer. On top of which Im responsible for having the entire store clean by the time the boss comes in at roughly 4:45am. That night i didnt get started cleaning until 2:30, usually by that time i have most of my shit done. I got a phone call from the boss about an hour later where i explained the night that Id had, and where he told me that he was calling in sick for the day. I was suppose to get ahold of another manager to come in, someone was scheduled to come in and made it in on time, but there was no way i could leave here there alone to deal with the extremely busy morning rush. I spend the first few hours trying tirelessly trying to call anyone and everyone

who could possibly make it in. By this time i had already worked a full 8 hour shift, and it was beginning to look like i was going to be staying all morning as well. I ended up staying from 10pm to 10am, then had to go home and sleep before i came back in 12 hours later. I only got a thank you from the lady i stayed to help. I put a lot more of myself into my job than they deserve from me. Whenever Im done stressing out and my shift is over, i come home. For the longest time when i would come home from work Slain brain would already be asleep, and i would hang out for a little while, beat off, and fall asleep to random things on netflix. I would set alarms and wake up and spend time doing things during the day. Lately though, things have gotten a bit more mixed up. I got a puppy, and its puppy time all the time. Being so young hes a full time job with his teathing and potty training. So Slain Brain has mostly been awake when i come home, and on somewhat of the same sleep schedule as me. When i come home lately weve hung out, and i would unwind with him and rant about my job while it was still relevant. Then we would pass out late in the morning and wake up an hour or more before i had to work. When i finally got a break from work, i was scheduled for a 3 days stretch of days off, which i was really looking forward to. On my Friday i was told i had to work one of those days. so i had one day off, worked the next, then had another day off, then worked. That jacked up my sleep schedule even more. On my first day off i didnt sleep when i got off work, i wanted to spend the day awake, i took an adderall and came home to work on a project i had been aspiring about. The project i was thinking of was to work on our 2 back bedrooms. one of em was my art room for a while, and the other was our bedroom. they both over time ended up becoming catch alls while we were trying to pursue other house projects. My goal was to completely compact all the clutter into one single storage room, and we can have a normal bedroom back. It took about 6 hours

of cleaning, moving, lifting, arranging, re-arranging, organizing and sorting until i got it all done. which wasnt my plan, i only planned on starting the project. After i was finished i was exhausted, and filthy. i had made a pot of coffee to keep my pep up, but i didnt even get through one cup. after i took a shower and laid down i felt how tired my body was, my feet were radiating, my lunges were sore and heavy, as well as my throat being incredibly scratchy. I figured it was because i inhaled so much dust and funk from the cleaning. turns out i had picked up on something thats been going around. Weve had people calling in about it all week, including the previously mentioned boss, its not as big a deal as theyve made it out to be, but it is naggy. The cough still hasnt ceased, I think Ive been living a little hard lately. staying up way too long, sleeping a few hours, and doing drugs along the way, nothing excessive or dangerous, and drinking on the side. The other day i got off work, it was Friday morning, and i had big plans for that day. i wanted to go to the lake, and art party at night with Butchcat Bitchmouth and Peanut Scholar, but what ended up happening is i slept in til 8pm and woke up to step my foot right in puppy shit. That inspired a cheerful day. i was disappointed that i didnt get to follow through with most of my plans. Luckily Peanut Scholar was still wanting to come over. When he got to the house we left again shortly to go and buy a 24 pack of beer and some xanax. We returned and i think we did art things. We left again and went to Ihop, we were unfortunate to have had to sit next to a group of kids fresh out of prom. One of the guys was acting like a total asshole, and was obviously pissing off his date as well as his friends with him. He was probably trying to impress his chaperones, i also suspect hes a secret homo because of the weird extended eye contact he kept giving me and Slain. After we left Ihop we went to Walmart to spend over 50 bucks on new art supplies. Im pretty happy about that. We went back home and did more art things for a while and drank more beer. Butchcat Bitchmouth showed

up shortly after, she ate a xanax and passed out on the couch, we decided to go to mushroom park. We took the puppies with us, they had fun and we were there til the sun came up, discovering new things to fuck with, and collecting an incredible amount of golf balls we found. Eventually we got some coffee and went to ask Butchcat Bitchmouth if she wanted to go to branson with Slain, Peanut and myself, she declined and got mad at Peanut for not coming to her house to sleep with her. Then Peanut fell asleep while we were killing time til it was later in the morning. Eventually we went to branson, and went to the lake. It was short lived because the lake was maybe over 30 degrees. we were froze out within half an hour. So we went to get thai food at my old job, they gave it to us for free. mine tasted strange. We finally got back home around 5 after dropping Peanut off. We crashed and i went to work 3 and a half hours later. luckily that was my Friday, and it was one of the busiest nights weve had. i didnt care though, i was numb to it, ready to be off and have these 3 days off where Ill take the time to write this editors letter for the new issue.

Crepsley

STORY TIME
with CHATTY

KATHY

Story time with Chatty Kathy is a new column of true stories told by our favorite (____adjective____) (___Noun___). This first installment of Story Time with Chatty Kathy was recorded with a (___fruit __) phone 4 and because of their unreliable voice memo app the last 15 minutes of the recording were lost. So half of the story will be told by Kathy, then wrapped up by one of our certified editors.
Okay so basically its like, she was talking about like a bikini contest, and when I first got here in Springfield, remember I used to be in the army, I used to be tan, I used to have hair, okay. I used to be really thin, I used to have like killer definition, ya know that kinda thing its like, I really did. And uh so I got here and its like whats a guy to do you know what Im sayin? cause Im like working ya know like all these jobs, living in a studio apartment. So any ways ya know that kinda thing its like I went, its like, I was working all these kinds of jobs, cause I had to pay child support, I hadnt gone back into the navy reserves do ya know what Im sayin? Quite yet, and I was like Its like is it a job and Im like Ill do it. Remember Im ostracized from my family, Im living in a studio apartment ya know that kinda thing ya know, and its like...So anyway its like Im living with a drag queen, living in this little studio apartment, Im mostly ostracized. So

any ways its like they had this underwear contest, do you know what Im saying 1st prize was a like a thousand bucks, cash and prizes, key word prizes, I didnt know that at the time, do you know what Im saying? Second was like 500 third was 250, do you know what Im saying it was like, I was like working out and stuff, I was basically on the starvation diet you know that kinda thing. No no its called we dont make a lot of money its basically like food and rent ya know what Im sayin? And thats it. And cheap 100 proof vodka... Hey! How ya doin Kenny! But anyway, I went there, I actually went, I got a Laundromat tan I went and its like, shit I think I could actually win this thing so I had a couple bucks, and its like its 2 bucks. So its like Im just gonna go and its like this is the worst prep EVER! I actually I looked physically I look good do you know what Im sayin? I was all ripped up and cut and stuff. So I went and I was like ah I can take it maybe cause I was, cause I tanned in Germany before when I had tons of cash and nothing to do. So I thought my skin would take it. I burnt to a CRIIISP! Just burnt the shit out of myself. Do you know what Im sayin? It was like OWWWW! So Im beat read, on top of it, do you know what Im sayin? Ill try also to shave my eyebrows and trim my own hair. So have you ever tried to trim your eyebrows but instead ya know what Im saying? You cut a little bit too much and its just like FUCK! ya know what Im saying? So I shaved my eyebrows I shaved my head. So now Im burnt to a crispI bet youre all wondering if there were little white marks where his eyebrows/hair used to be, I went ahead and asked him, to which he replied:

TWINKSANDQUEENS

YES! There was! hahahahahahahah Im like CRAP!; But you still do it, cause youre all ripped up, I look good ya know that kinda thing, cause I weigh like 132 pounds, so I went and ya know shaved my legs the whole things to get your def. You know that sort of thing, cause if you go in there furry ya know it just looks goofy, ya know what Im saying, ya know yea its normal, but on stage it just looks stupid..... Kathy wrapped up the story by telling how a bunch of the people who signed up to go actually pussied out. And when he showed up at (__Gay bar___) ridiculously nervous and was doing things back stage to get ready. He was greased up and painted with body paint in places to make his abs look more defined and what not. By that point he said I looked like Jet Li!. He was still really nervous and thought that drinking Jager would help calm him down. At first he was given a normal man thong device to go on stage in. The one they gave him first was too big, and when they returned with one that was the right size, it turned out to be what he described as Acid Green. So he drank more jager, and went and performed he said he picked a few people in the audience who he could focus on while he did the snake crawl across the stage, which he later found to out was like flipping all the rest of the audience the finger. He described a few other people who performed, one of which was a known porn star, he was a described as being just a skinny twink, no definition, just skinny. Everyone was expecting him to win, including himself. When it was all said and done Kathy ended up actually winning 3rd place, and the porn star guy got second, which he through a fit about and stormed off. After the show all the winner were called together to take a

group photo, to which they would crop their heads out of and switch them around for further advertising. The prize Kathy won for 3rd place was About 50 bucks and $150 worth of name brand underwear.

ANDMUSCLEMENNAMEDHANK

THIS WAS ALMOST A SUICIDE NOTE

Doctor X

I woke up to a really depressing morning, dear reader. Someone has stolen my bike. Not my motorcycle. No, I would be cool if I had a motorcycle. My bicycle. It is as if life said, Do you know how we can make you, a grown man who depends on public transit and a bicycle for transportation, even more pathetic? As I was walking three miles so I could purchase condoms and cigarettes with a Walmart gift card, I thought to myself, My god. How much more terrible can my life get? What have I done to arrive in this situation? Are the Marines hiring? I could bring myself to kill strangers if it meant getting out here. This life is ruined. Another, please. I promise Ill try harder with the next one. Because being punk rock as hell and eating deviled eggs on the sidewalk isnt cute when youre almost 30. So, if youre going to be punk rock when youre still young enough to get laid for it, dont end up like me. Make sure you die by age 28 or so. Thats still young enough for people to go, What a tragedy! If I die from punk rockerism at 30 people are just going to say, What the hell was the matter with that guy? But Ill tell you whats the matter with me. There is something everyone else seems to have that I lack. Its some kind of subconscious, inborn knowledge of how society works. I do not understand how society works. There are too many rules to keep in mind. There is always, ALWAYS something you are doing that they can punish you for. Theres always a fee you forgot to pay, or a document you didnt

sign, or a phone call you didnt return. And no matter how hard you work or how much you give back to society theyll always take more. Being a hard-working, able-bodied young person in America just means youre a better candidate for them to suck dry, throw away, and replace with the next one. The corporate greed that runs this country is insatiable, and we just keep feeding it. Its like some kind of dark, alien god thats got its inky tentacles in the minds of all Americans. We dont just placate it out of fear. Most people actually love this thing. They think its a good thing that a group of 5 men can sit on top of a company and funnel billions of dollars into their pockets. Dollars that are generated by the sweat and labor of those below them. Its good that the guy who gets out of bed at 9 am, puts on a $1000 silk suit, and goes to work to shake hands and sign things makes a million times more than the entire crew of people who keep his building running. He worked hard. He earned it. Look how he toils. Those people want health care? They should work harder at being CEOs. They want to send their children to college? They should work their kids harder on competing against each other for scholarships. They want to not be deported to a dystopian nightmare ruled by drug cartels who will behead your entire family because your home is on ground they want to use for growing coca? They should work harder on being white. Not only do we make laws to PROTECT that guy and his greed, we let him spend that money on lobbyists who then use their savvy (*ahem* bribery *ahem*) to influence lawmakers to TAKE AWAY YOUR RIGHTS as a citizen of a democracy, and give them to him. SHUT UP! No we cant. I cant. Im so fucked by taxes and garnishments that if I take one day off work I basically forfeit my very, very small pay check that week
But we can lobby too! - hippies

and starve. When the fuck am I going to lobby? When are you, for that matter? This slick mother fucker Im talking about up there pays PROFESSIONALS to do his dirty work. They dont have to take the day off to lobby. When they take the day off, they do something called not lobbying. If you were not a professional boxer, and you decided to fight a match against someone who boxed for a living, sure theres a chance you could beat him. But you fucking arent going to. And even if you do beat the pro, we arent talking about winning one fight here. There is an entire class of the population who employs these professionals on a full-time basis to ensure that your vote, your participation in this democracy, means absolutely dick. Thats why we need to elect honest politicians. - people who are somehow not cynical yet God dammit, are you drinking retard juice? Do you know how politicians get elected in this country? Sure, its by popular vote or electoral college, and that means the choices are ours, right? That second part would be sweet if it were true, except youre not thinking of the primary weakness of a democracy. NASCAR fans. Not only NASCAR fans, and not all NASCAR fans (giving the benefit of the doubt, there. Ive never personally met an intelligent NASCAR fan.) But stupid people. People who like to watch things move in circles because a circle is an easy shape to understand. People who like to be told what to think. And lets face it, its a majority of the population. Thinking is kind of hard, and the penalties for being stupid are virtually non-existent in the modern culture. So if someone else takes the initiative for you, whos going to argue? Itd be like if someone knocked on your door and said, Dont mind me. Im just here to wash your dishes. Whos going to turn that down?

And the assholes have a way of telling all of them what to think. Its the same way most people learn who is running for office. Do you see where Im going with this? In over 90% of US elections, whoever had the most money behind them has won. Look it up. Then ask yourself if America is a democracy. So, Ive decided Im not going to be depressed. My life sucks because I stubbornly refuse to conform to a whitesupremacist, patriarchal, plutocracy masquerading as the standard bearer for equality and freedom. And that makes me punk rock as hell. And if being almost 30 and not having a car and eating garbage that I find that smells ok means no one with a pink mohawk and leather jacket wants to fuck me, then Ill have to just not give a shit. Because the alternative, being assimilated, is just too fucking horrifying.

trickle down theory

STORYOFSURREALNOTION

11

HELP OUT YOUR

POLICE FORCE TODAY
Now, I probably dont have to tell you, gentle reader, just how cool the police are. Im sure that, like any kindly citizen of these United States, you idolize their every action, the same as I do, shaking their hands wherever you see them and watching all their TV shows in great earnest. And for good reason too, as they are certainly a vital part of our great nations righteous mission to form a well policed society, which is, of course, second only to our nations mission to police the societies of other nations (particularly those unfortunate ones with a flare for the Islamic). However, what you may not be aware of is that many police forces still exist in a world where its actually possible that they could one day lose funding or even have to trim back personnel. Now, Im sure you realize how grave such a mistake would be, and, like me, fully sympathize with our soldiers of the street, wishing only for more and more policemen rather than less. For instance, if it wasnt for the police, who then would search the cars of pot smoking hippies, or mace and taze college kids whenever they protest, whatever it is they are protesting these days? Obviously, to have a world with less need of police; well, it would surely be a terrible world indeed. Thats why I have come up with a few things that each caring citizen can do to make sure that the police forces, we all know and love, are here to stay Option #1 - Commit a Crime This one may seem a bit obvious, and yet, in some places, there still happens to be a distinct lack of any good crime waves taking place (an obvious sign that people these days just arent taking their civic responsibilities seriously). Now, the crime doesnt have to be a big one, of course, just something to let your local police force know that you care. For example, something along the lines of vandalism, public nudity, or grand theft auto should probably do the trick, so that your local police officers will most definitely be thanking you with all their hearts, as they stand over you, cuffing your hands behind your back.

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al

pa

Option #2 - Become the Victim of a Crime Now, this one may take a little practice, for as weird as it sounds, it is not quite as easy as the first option. But once you get it right, youll certainly be doing your hometown law enforcement a great favor. As it is, for most crimes there must be a victim, and if that victim is you, then you can gladly say youve done your part. So from now on, make sure to walk down every dark alley that you see. Keep all your most valuable things in your car and never lock your doors. And if you see a gang of ruffians, make sure to go straight up to them, insult their mothers, and tell them exactly how much more money you have in your wallet than they do. Trust me, as your local police officers write up yet another report for you, theyll certainly be doing so with great admiration for all your hard work. Option #3 Become a Vigilante Now sure, unlike the previous options, this one may sound like youre not helping the police at all. Yet even so, when done correctly, this option can truly get your local police force the attention it greatly deserves. For instance, just look at how much attention George Zimmerman has brought to his local police. Truly, if you do it expertly, much like in Zimmermans case, your local police force will probably be so appreciative, of what youve done for them, that they wont even arrest you right away. Instead, as a show of gratitude, theyll probably let you spend a relaxed week at home, listening to people talk about you on CNN. So now, after having read this, I hope you have a better understanding of what you can do to help out your local police force. And if nothing else, dear reader, I suppose one could always throw some sort of bake-sale or something, though I wouldnt suggest it; theres just too many things that could go wrong. So, until next time, I remain Yours Truly, _The_Great_Dark_Water_

ge

12

HOWTOHELPTHEPOLICE

2012
Jarry Cornish

Politics suck: I was born in the corrupt presidency of Nixon, vaguely remember Gerald Ford, heard my parents curse inflation in the Carter era, and graduated from high school as a fan of Reagan. And then I went to college and majored in Political Science and hated every minute of it. I had liberal arts professors who were chain smoking, sexist pigs and thought their department was no place for women. I laughed at the Young Democrats who also supported the pro-life movement, as if that happened in real life. And the Young Republicans walked so rod-up-the-ass stiffly that you couldnt even get them to bend to hear an opinion different from their ownthat did happen in real life. Politics has always meant intolerance. Bi-partisanship is bullshit. And that is why politics just piss me off. I belong to a family of righteous Republicansmostly staunch anti-choice and anti-gayexcept for my late grandma who as a die-hard Depression Era Democrat. FDR saved this nation from certain ruin in the 1930s and from then on, no Democrat could do wrong. She even voted for Kennedy, and he was a Catholic. My family almost didnt take her to vote in the Bush/Gore election. As much as I hate the politics of politics, I vote in every national and state election and almost every local election. The ideal that you cant complain if you dont vote has always stuck with me, and honestly, I like to bitch about politics and politicians. So I vote. It really doesnt matter what party you call your own. It really doesnt matter whether you are conservative or liberal. Thoughtful understanding of the issues and the candidates are essential in
rant page

how we should make our choices. Hold an opinion, and hold it with conviction. Honor and appreciate each others rights to hold the opposite opinion. Work to see their side. A few people wont care if you agree or disagree, just be willing to listen. Please dont make political decisions based solely on your religion. Religion is generally intolerant of certain political issues, not even allowing their members to consider certain options. Theres a lot of rhetoric (code word for bullshit) out there, and it take hard work to shovel through it. But damnit, if you are old enough, vote thoughtfully. I hold some pretty firm ideas about the kind of person I want to be our next president. I want the next president to do something about this economy, protecting small business and holding big business to the same standards as the rest of us. I want the next president to encourage the wealthy to help the poor. Theres nothing wrong with Bushs Faithbased initiatives as long as those faiths help out of the kindness of their hearts and not for the benefit of their pockets. The next president should develop programs that help the homeless and the jobless to benefit our society instead of mooching off of it. The next president should support the equal rights of all people, but allow the state governments to pass the laws that their constituents endorse. I really dont care if you are straight, gay, lesbian, or transgendered. You deserve the same respect as this middle-aged, middle-class white woman gets. I think religion needs to stay out of the law and the government. We all have free-will and should be able to make choices based upon our own morality, not someone elses. This president probably doesnt exist, but Im an optimist I want to defy the labels. I want to be liberal in the denotative sense of the word: open-minded. Is it too much to ask from anyone?
13

THE FINAL
(PART TWO)

CATASTROPHE
Heebie Jeebies

Minor skirmishes broke out on borders, and in November, the United Arabian States declared war on the United States and Britain, citing a breach of diplomacy and an infringement of their national sovereignties. Furious and resentful that any should challenge their authority and undermine their own publics faith in their leaders, the governments of the Western world did not hesitate to act immediately following an emergency UN summit meeting at which the worlds heads of state pledged loyalty to each other and to their new cause, eradicating the Earth of these Arabian heretics and war-mongers. Rational voices dissented; the threat of a new World War in the nuclear age was unthinkable to scientists and other people of reason. In early December, NATO forces jointly invaded Iraq and Iran in an attempt to reach Syria and Afghanistan, the strongholds of the UAS; they did not succeed, but were violently and forcefully repelled. And then came that day, prophesied so many ages ago, upon which the Fate of the human race balanced: December 21st, 2012, a day that will live in infamy, though in less than three decades, none would remain to remember it. Running out of options, the NATO forces were called to retreat from the invaded countries, rapidly pulling back and eventually deserting the entire area completely. There was only one way left to assure WestRELIGIOUSINNUENDOS

ern superiority and restore the balance of power to its leaders. The American President was forced to order the unthinkable; on that 21st day of December, three 10-kiloton tactical nuclear weapons were detonated simultaneously in the cities of Baghdad, Tehran, and Mecca, targets chosen specifically for the devastating loss that the strike would incur. The world recoiled in horror. Rather than acquiescing to surrender, as hoped, the UAS reacted immediately in retaliation, hell-bent upon revenge, and launched its own nuclear missiles at strategic targets across Europe and the United States. Though a defense net to prevent just such an attack was in place, only a portion of the missiles were deflected, disabled, or destroyed before impact. New York, Washington D.C., and Los Angeles, as well as London, Paris, and Rome, were obliterated entirely in a matter of seconds. Flesh peeled from bone as buildings disintegrated and all life for miles around the blast zone was instantaneously vaporized. Dust, ash, and sulfurous particles rose in magnificent mushroom clouds of deadly disaster and spewed forth in all directions, blanketing sky and earth in a noxious fume of radioactive destruction. Fault lines erupted, causing massive earthquakes to ripple through the continents and horrific tsunamis to assault shorelines. Suddenly, nothing about a remote war in a distant land mattered to anyone any more, as radioactive particles were swept up and carried across land and sea while the sky turned a sickening blood red in a matter of hours. By New Years Day, the death toll was in the tens of thousands of millions. As the days began to grow ever darker after the attacks, water became contaminated on such a scale that only

14

very few pockets were fit to drink; the rain was a horrific sludge of toxins that burnt and infected all that it touched, seeping into groundwater and aquifers the world over. Humans and animals alike began soon afterwards to feel the effects of the terrific amounts of radiation spread throughout the atmosphere. The light of the sun, being nearly blocked by the levels of soot and radiation blanketing the atmosphere, was all but cut off. Life cycles ceased as the food chain was disrupted and vast populations of creatures, both land and sea dwelling, from microscopic to enormous, died horrifically of starvation and dehydration. The earths temperature dropped drastically at first, the lowered amount of sunlight and blanketed atmosphere causing toxic, icy winter weather the world over. Humans, those that were not hideously burnt by immediate contact with ionized particles, began to develop symptoms of radiation sickness that would lead to a slow, painful death over the harsh winter months to come. People the world over began to have uncontrollable vomiting, gastrointestinal pain, and diarrhea, while the fluids were slowly drained from their bodies and they succumbed to severe internal bleeding. Central nervous systems began to fail at an alarming rate, causing delirium, seizures, loss of respiratory function, and eventually comatose, catatonic states. Lungs filled with fluid as they gradually quit pumping air to the body and brain, while genitals were permanently sterilized and cancer spread rapidly throughout multiple bodily systems. Hair loss was accompanied by uncontrollable itching, pus-weeping blisters and bloody skin ulcerations. Most died within weeks of exposure, and for those that lived, it was a continual daily hell-on-earth.

The religious cried out to their gods, begging and pleading, overcome with misery and hysteria. The resigned simply lay down and waited for death to take them. Anarchy ruled the streets, as electricity stopped, food became scarce, and clean water became nigh unto sacred and impossible to find. Life became a chaotic frenzy, like a poisoned dancer struggling to stay upright while the music played on about her. Entire families and groups of people committed suicide, while others prayed and cried and rolled about piteously in the dirt, defiant to the end. The fish died, the birds died, the animals died. The green grass, the tall trees, the flowering shrubs died. The air became thick and hot, as the Earth could no longer respire and greenhouses gasses, trapped between the thick, soupy atmosphere and the scorched ground, slowly cooked the once lush-planet into a fricasseed wasteland. There were no more births for the humans, nor any other creatures. Species, then whole orders, vanished from the face of the Earth. Mother Nature could not heal the scars of humanity; all life quickly dwindled from the planet, which was now brown and black and barren. Within thirty years, even the last living humans, whom had retreated far into the harsh, cold realms at the northern and southern ends of the globe, were giving in to starvation, disease, and madness. If they had ventured forth to other lands they would have found only cold, gray, empty graveyards full of death and decay where once there had been green and blue, beauty and light and life. Such was the abrupt end of humanity, they who lived violently and in the end perished utterly for their wickedness and cruelty. Thus did they atone for their sins.

CAT INTERVIEW
Peanut Scholar: Hello, cat. I would like to do an interview with you. Would that be ok? Cat: Meow. P.S.: Id like to begin with a simple question. If you could change the world, what would you do? Cat: Meow. P.S.: I hate bad behaviors effects on planning and accomplishing, as well! But isnt there something to be said about the surprising, positive benefits of the ability to change plans and break protocol? Cat: Meow. P.S.: Its so true that people spend lots of time laying down a solid plan with room for derivation and it is, indeed, cut short due to the irresponsibility of a few people. Thats why people die from drinking too much coffee. So, as a cat, how do you keep your actions on the up-and-up with your motivations without derailing the whole entire fucking system on whims? Cat: Meow. P.S.: By golly, so youre saying by instinct you just roll with the punches? Cat: Meow. P.S.: And the training is inherent. How might I access that skill, as a human? 16 INTERVIEWWITHACAT

Cat: Meow. P.S.: Absolutely, a well-written answer to that question in the form of a book does stand a good chance at making me a lot of money. Moving on: how would you describe the purrfect day? Cat: Meow. P.S.: Mmm, indeed. Ill be getting a few of those before long, by golly I sure do hope so. So, youre being friendly to the point of seduction with me right now, but how do I get you to be my friend on any average day when I want to pick you up and love you? Cat: Meow. P.S.: That answer really doesnt make sense; its very ambivalent, not even close to being clear to me. Cat: Meow. P.S.: The cat is now gone, and the interview has no more room to grow, short of me talking to myself and making this crap up.

OVERCOMING BITCHITUDE

Jon Burrito

For years now Ive known exactly what I want to do with my life. In the simplest terms, all I want is to be able to support myself by being a professional musician. I know... real original, right? But instead of completely throwing myself into music, practicing every day, constantly trying to improve my technique, jamming with other people at every opportunity, you know, the things I should be doing; Ive made bad decisions to squander my time away doing almost nothing. Why is this? Obviously laziness has a big part to do with it. Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins... I guess I just lack discipline, and discipline comes from within. I think fear also has a part to play. Fear of failure. That shit will fuck

with your mind. What if i actually tried as hard as I possibly could, and after all is said and done, Ive still failed? It wasnt good enough. Those are the thoughts that can cripple you. They can make you not give a fuck. Why bother? I must admit that Ive struggled with these thoughts for quite a while but recently, I had a moment of clarity. It doesnt matter if I dont succeed. It just matters that I tried. It sounds pretty cheesy and cliche, but goddamnit if it isnt true.Its been good motivation for me to get off my ass and start putting in the work. I guess what Im trying to say is just go out there and fucking do something with your life. Its a devilishly simple concept. Its taken me a while to understand this, but now that I do I cant begin to explain the sense of peace and contentment that I have. Quit being a whiny bitch. Bitch.

(AWESOME RELATED PICTURE REMOVED TO SAVE INK)

MITTENS KITTENS
Slain Brain

Im not really into politics. Or religion. Or babies. Or people. Luckily, most other people dont care about these things either, and so were afforded the best (read worst) government possible. Did I say best? Yeah best, like most corrupt. If you have money and an ambition to voice your wallet political beliefs, then welcome to democracy my friend! Your lobbyist will present you with your benefits package outlining your new bonuses that come with your newly purchased Senator. Okay, thats enough about politics, dontchathink? What should we take about now? Im going to vote for the Mormon. They believe in Jesus dont they? Ruling planets with denizens of sister-wives in the afterlife? Fuck yeah I can go for that. Im not being unrealistic. I voted for the HOPE guy the first time around. I kind of liked some shit he was about. Plus it was better than voting for the other guy; the war victim and the walking rural barbie doll. With guns. I love guns-- that was a fun election cycle. So yeah, the Mormon-- that works. Why not? A lot of people wanted the wing nut Jesus guy-- no, not actually Jesus. I would totally fucking vote for Jesus. Who would make a good running mate for Jesus? The Pope? George W. Bush? Patrick Swayze as a ghost? (Har har har) Yeah so I dont really vote-- I dont want to be a part of the problem.
18 CONFESSIONALBOOTH

I really dont. But if I did I would probably vote for that one guy. The black guy? Shit! I cant say black. The man born not in Kenya. The actual American. Wasnt John McCain born in Panama? THATS NOT FUCKING AMERICA! I dont care what our bully pulpit Congress says. Dickmouths.* Seriously though, Mormons. A golden compass? Saviors & natives? Is this fucking Narnia? Fucking Lion metaphor. If I could vote, I would totally cast my vote for the sun. Definitely the sun-- I can get behind the sun. Im totally taking a stand for light rightfuckingnow. And smoking. Im way prosmoking. Oh what? Public safety issue? The sun is fucking supporting your life force and its killing you. Thats how serious the fucking sun gets. What you gonna do... legislate the motherfucking sun? Hahaha-- your country cant even afford to feed, cloth, shelter or protect your citizens. Shit-- sorry, I mean, stuff & things. We now return you to your regularly scheduled government. Shiny! I bet theres something fun on your television right now.

rioting is more fun than voting

You have the eyes of an old blood hound I have nothing in common with people who say things like Carrots are fuckin this month. Grandma. triflin. This is where strippers go to die. http://hotchickswithstubbedtoesmakYou got ass and titties, thats a bathing ingsexfaces.com/ is everything it promises to be, and everything I ever hoped suit aint it? for. Today we are dissecting a cows vagina. I thought it went rip...right up the butt. WTF! Dont treat me like an ignorant retard!

I just yelled candy for my candy hole across the room before realizing how You dont see me enough to have a life... wrong that sounds. I got a bruise from the toilet. She looks cracked out. But I like her I would fuck some Golden Corral up tights. right now. Hey Robin friended me... I wonder if she wants to touch my penis. Can you un-stick this? Its stuck and Ive been pulling forever.

I just like hanging out in my underwear My phone wants to correct fisting to distinguished. with lipstick on. Girls are weird. Um... Could you get your tits off my No es para consumo means delicious snack, right? table? Thats the biggest rim Ive ever jobbed.

I thought that was my vagina for a secSpiders are the mormons of the insect ond. world. If I had to pick three words to describe my morning, those three words would Is dick one syllable? Mine isnt. be wicked tamale shits. Revelation: Ive drank hand sanitizer, but The Tulsa Public Schools website has a I wont drink coors light. picture of a man kissing a goat on the Babies are the Kobe beef of the cannifront page. This explains a lot. balism word. You cant masturbate with a cat in the room, because they watch & they judge. THINGSOVERHEARD 19

26 8

OVERHEARD

THINGS

Surprisingly, searching google for mexican mudslide yields no porn.

THE STAFF PAGE

THE POLITICAL ORGANIZERS

PROTECTOR OF THE SYSTEM

WORTHLESS DO-NOTHING

THE MAN WITH THE PLAN

GUY DEBORD

BUTCHCAT BITCHMOUTH

KILLER JACK ATTACK

WORTHLESS MONEY LOVER

BUSY SLEEPING & FUCKING

RUNNING ON BOOZE&WHORES

SERGEANT HEARTSTOMP

MADAME SUPERDUPER

YETI DETECTIVE

GUEST PUNDITS

THE GREAT DARK WATER

CHATTY KATHY

CREPSLY

EDITING STAFF | BUTCHCAT BITCHMOUTH, MADAME SUPERPER, KILLERJACKATTACK, SERGEANT HEARTSTOMP & GUY DEBORD GUEST CONTRIBUTORS | THE GREAT DARK WATER
PEANUT SCHOLAR, CHATTY KATHY, CREPSLY, SLAIN BRAIN, HEEBIE JEEBIES, JARRY CORNISH, DOCTOR X CAT INTERVIEW | WITH JONATHAN THE CAT
WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

The ^ Co-Conspirator features this issue & amazing past issues @scribd.com/whatwhiteelephant. We also tweet at least 4 times a month on twitter @what_elephant. You can also check us out on facebook @what white elephant. Sometimes we make print issues, and sometimes we send them out to our fans on our mailing list. contact us via email whatwhiteelephant@ gmail.com & well add you to our prize mailing list-- probably not though.

BIGOTRYINDUSTRIES2012