“SEEING” MYSELF IN SCOTLAND

It is astounding if these legs are able to walk to wherever the heart desires.

THIS WAY OF WALKING has been guiding my path. Last year, I, who were so used to
the busy life of a metropolitan Jakarta, ‘had’ to spend six months in a remote area in
Scotland. There, I enrolled myself to a course at Beshara School of Esoteric Education.
The school discusses who we are, our potentials and why we are here in the world.

I first knew Beshara when a friend invited me to a weekend course in Jakarta. Towards
the end of the course, I chatted with a Beshara supervisor. I stated my interest to enrol
to the course but I had some financial challenges. He advised me to email the head
master.
The advice remained in my head. Ten days after I sent my email, I received a response:
‘OK!’
What? OK? Life is full of surprises.

NO HOLIDAY
Scotland was actually no stranger to me. About 11 years ago I enrolled to a university
here, or specifically in Stirling. Now I was returning to this land that is so peaceful and
has left such a strong impression in me. It felt like returning to my homeland. I was
ecstatic!

Edinburgh still greeted me with its characteristic style: grey coulds hanging over the sky
and mild rain. That is ok. Rain seemed to emphasize the beautiful scenery before me
even more.

It felt like a dream for me to be able to arrive at this country. I approached the school
slowly, just about 20 minutes outside of (the nearest) town.

I was then shown the house and the surrounding area of the Chisholme House. It felt
like living in a classical period. The authentic feeling of the house is maintained and the
environment was genuinely taken care of. My room had four beds, white walls with
wooden door and windows as accents. The room was tidy and clean, complete with
fresh flowers on the table in the middle of the room along with some fresh fruits to
warmly welcome me.

The next day, the course started. The course is a retreat program without any breaks
and intensive daily activities. This year, one class (and there was only one class)
consisted of eight people, assisted by two supervisors who have been with Beshara for
years.

My days were filled with strict and tremendously consistent routines. The days were
divided into two types: study day and work day. Two study days, two work days, two
study days, etc. This went out without any break or holiday.

Once I commented on how intensive the program was. My friend responded: “Well, you
have been warned. Pay attention to the name of the course: Intensive six month course.”
The program had four aspects: study, work, meditation and devotional practice. All
aspects supported one another in helping the students learn about themselves and
develop their true potentials. Hm, sounds rather tough, right?
This is a typical study day for me: wake up, shower, meditate, have breakfast, study,
have coffee break, study, meditate, have lunch, work, have coffee break, study, mediate,
work, have dinner, shower, and do dynamic meditation. The day started at 6am and
ended at 10.30pm. During work days, the schedule was more or less similar, but the
study hours were replaced by work periods.

The study was done in group. We read classical text that relates to what it means to be
human, including the work of Muhyiddin Ibn ‘Arabi, Tao Te Ching, Baghavad Gita, and
Rumi poems. The emphasis of the study session was to provide us with an opportunity
to ask questions and look into ourselves, to understand what the text was trying to tell
us.

Various questions and feelings that were emerging were discussed together as a group.
There were no such things as stupid questions. All questions were considered valid and
were treated as collective questions.

The meditation and devotional pratice were inseparable (part of the course). These
aspects helped us to journey within ourselves and develop a sentiment or taste that
would fortify our knowledge of self.

Meanwhile, as far as the work aspect was concerned, do not think of it as what
Jakartanian professionals do at their offices. The work here referred to everyday
housework, such as cooking in the kitchen (including baking bread and making yoghurt),
gardening, cleaning rooms, cleaning chicken hut, digging a trench, and building a new
wooden house. Wow, when else can I do these things?

EVEN WORK WAS CONTEMPLATED UPON

I really enjoyed the work periods, whatever tasks I was given. I was a beginner in taking
care of the house, in the kitchen or in the garden. So every task was a new thing to me
and was a learning opportunity. Interesting. The situations made me an open-minded
person who simply followed whatever instruction has been given to me. These tasks
have open my mind to learn about things that I did not imagine I could learn from such
simple tasks.

Once I was asked to make bonfire. The wind was blowing rather fiercely. I felt like the
smoke from the bonfire was following my move. Then I realized that I needed to pay
attention to where the wind was blowing and to move to the opposite direction to avoid
the smoke. Move with the wind.

When I worked at the garden, I watched the leaves fell from the trees. We might think
that it was the end of the leaf. But no. We gathered the leaves, buried them for a couple
of years, they turned into fertilizer. We then use it in the same garden to fertilze the
future plant generations.

I often was given the task to mend china. It was an enjoyable practice of concentration,
patience and paying meticulous attention. I could do that for more than one hour.

The times of preparing dinner table for meals were one of the most interesting ones for
me. Preparing dinner table was always a collective effort. There were no explicit work
distribution. But everything seemed to flow. One was putting forks and knieves, another
cutting the bread, yet another is preparing the fruit, other people were serving the food,
all happened without any specific command from anyone. Everybody was doing what
has not been done by others, filling in the void. One single natural movement.

Funnily enough, there was one task that people, including I, seemed to pick when
he/she was upset and wanted to be left alone: washing the kitchen utensils in the main
kitchen. Perhaps the heavy and often black pots helped us channel our emotions.
Simply speaking, when I took that position and I did not talk much [sic].

A JOURNEY INSIDE MYSELF

Out of all the aspects of this course, the most interesting one for me was the journey
within myself. To watch my emotions going up and down and my thoughts that often
travelled here and there. The biggest challenge for me was to understand and except
myself as I am.

One day early this year, I was digging a trench. The snow was quite thick. I stepped into
a trench and slipped. I injured my knee. I was taken to the hospital and my knee was
stabilized to ensure that it would not move. I—who was very active—had to use the
crutches for over a month and concurred to this limitation.

I tried to be positive. I viewed the incident as an advise to stop for a while and allow
myself to receive helping hands from the people around me. Until my supervisor said,
“You are being too positive.” Ouch.

At that time she reminded me that human was not expected to be positive all the time.
Human is expected to be honest to and about herself. It would be good if we can accept
and love ourselves as we are at any circumstances. “Just like God has accepted and
loved you as you are.” The tears then could not help but fell from my eyes…

What was even more interesting, my school appreciates the unique process and journey
of each individual. Even though we were one group, our (spiritual) journey remained
personal, different according to our own needs.

There were times when I felt sad, angry and like crying. Those feelings were respected. I
was given a bit of room, a bit of distance, to be with myself. During those alone times,
answers or explanations of how this feeling came about often arose. My supervisor said,
“The question is whether you yourself have respected those feelings within you and
granted them the opportunity to express themselves?” Geez, another tear fell.

This individual journey was even stronger during a silent day. For 24 hours we stayed
silent, did not talk to one another and looked within. That day I realized how private the
relationship between human and God was. Each person has her own way of facing God
and conducted her role in this world as a form of worship to Him. That day I also realized
how I have fallen in love with God.

Time flew very fast. Day after day, week after week passed by. Without realizing, six
months were almost over. During the last days, an old student from beshara asked,
“What will change upon my return from this course?” I stayed silent for a while. I then
told him a theme that had been recurring over the last month: fix thy mind on Him and be
still.
Maintain my gazing towards Him. At that time I understood another meaning of the term
“lillaahi ta’ala”, to allow God or these supreme force to govern and guide our steps.

On the last night, an end of course feast was conducted. Beshara students, old and new,
gathered, sharing happiness. It was very touching to see how hapy and proud the older
students were to see us finish this course. A special feast were served that night.

One by one the students left the school. What was one group of people who have been
together for practically 24 hours for a full six month period went our separate way ‘just
like that’. I had mixed feelings within me. I was happy to know that I would meet my
family and friends soon. I was said to feel that I was about to leave something so
beautiful.

I remember the last time I went up the hill to sit by myself. At that time I asked whoever
was listening: how should I be now? What should I do next? The answer that was
whispered in my heart: dive deeper. Fly higher. And Love. Just Love.I smiled and shed
another tear yet again. An old eternal lesson to learn.

BOX: How to get there.

The Beshara campus in Scotland, The Chisholme House, is located at the border
between England and Scotland. 15 minutes from the nearest town Hawick. The nearest
airport is Edinburgh, Scotland. From the airport, take Airlink shuttle bus to the citiy
center, stop at the Waverley Train Station.

From there you can go by bus. From in front of the Waverley Station, walk for about 15
minutes to Saint Andrewes Bus Station. Take the 90 or X95 bus to Carlisle. Get off at
the Morisons Supermarket, Mart Street, Hawick. Continue by taking a taxi from Hawick
to The Chisholme House (about 10 pounds) or call Chisholme to arrange pick up.

You can also contact The Chisholme House to arrange pick up straight from the airport
to Beshara campus.

Please visit www.beshara.org.

-oOo-